SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/77: Mike McMack: Defense Lawyer

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 1

77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Mike McMack: Defense Lawyer

Judge…..John Belushi
Mike McMack…..Steve Martin
Miss Kazursky…..Gilda Radner
Prosecutor…..Bill Murray
Rapist…..Garrett Morris

[ open on courtroom drama scene ]

Judge: [ banging gavel ] Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, please! One more outburst like that, and I’ll have this courtroom waived! Begin again, Counselor.

Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, you were telling the court that my client, who has no previous record of sex offenses, walked up two flights of stairs, picked out your apartment, lured you into opening the door, and then forcibly raped you?!

Miss Kazursky: Yes!

Announcer: And now it’s time for another law adventure with “Mike McMack: Defense Lawyer”.

Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, what were you wearing when you opened that door?

Miss Kazursky: My flannel nightgown.

Mike McMack: Ah. And what were you doing in a flannel nightie.. at four in the afternoon?

Miss Kazursky: Well, I-I was taking a bath.. and I heard a knock at the door.

Mike McMack: Ah. I see. You hear a knock at the door. So you stand up, stark-naked, the water and soap suds glistening on your supple breasts. Quickly, you rub yourself with a towel, then dance across the room, your nipples hardening in the breeze. Slipping on a soft, flimsy negligee, you run to the door and open it in anticipation! Is that correct!

Miss Kazursky: [ shocked ] Wha.. what..? Sort of.. I-I-I-

Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, is it not true, that in 1971, you were.. divorced?

Miss Kazursky: [ stammering ] Yeah! But-but I don’t see what that has anything to do with-

Mike McMack: Now, Miss Kazursky, remember you are under oath. In the last six years, have you had.. sex?

Miss Kazursky: Well, I-I-I’m 35 years old-

Mike McMack: Just answer the question, yes or no!!

Miss Kazursky: Y-yes..

Mike McMack: How many times, Miss Kazursky?

Miss Kazursky: Well, uh.. uh..

Objection! Your Honor, Mr. McMack is pursuing an irrelevant line of questioning!

Mike McMack: Your Honor, what my distinguished colleague does not understand is that.. [ rubs Judge’s head ] ..what I am trying to do is establish, in a logical, coherent manner, that the witness is a cheap tart!

Miss Kazursky: [ crying ]

Prosecutor: Objection!

Judge: Overruled.

Prosecutor: Awww!

Mike McMack: [ chuckles with delight ] Now, Miss Kazurksy, how many times did you have sex between 1971 and last night?

Miss Kazursky: Thirty-eight!

[ courtroom murmurs ]

Mike McMack: Thir-ty-eight. Gentlemen of the jury – 38. not.. five.. not sev-en! Thir-ty-eight. And did you bring these men to your apartment.

Miss Kazursky: It wasn’t 38 men, it was 38 times!

Mike McMack: Just answer the question yes or no! did you bring these men to your apartment!

Miss Kazursky: Well.. yes!

Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, in 1965, were you involved in a civil rights organization?

Prosecutor: Ob-ject-ion!

Judge: Overruled.

Prosecutor: Oh, come on!

Mike McMack: [ chuckles heartily ] And why did you work there?

Miss Kazursky: I wanted to help blacks register.

Mike McMack: You wanted to help the black man!

Miss Kazursky: I wanted to help-

Mike McMack: And that’s exactly what went through your mind as you opened the door in that flimsy negligee!!

Miss Kazursky: [ crying ] No! No!

Mike McMack: I have no further questions, your Honor, no more!!

Judge: [ banging gavel ] Order! Order, gentlemen!

Prosecutor: Your Honor, the witness is too emotionally disturbed to continue, may I move for a recess! Please!

Judge: Okay, court will recess until tomorrow morning at 9 am. [exits courtroom ]

Mike McMack: Good night, Tom. See you later.

Prosecutor: [ approaches his client at the stand ] Miss Kazursky, I’m sorry that you were made to feel as if you were on trial here, instead of that.. that rapist. Oh, well, get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?

[ Prosecutor approaches McMack ]

Prosecutor: McMack! Great job.

Mike McMack: Thanks.

Prosecutor: You made me look like an amateur out there!

Mike McMack: Part of my job.

Prosecutor: And the way you turned the race thing around, to make her look like the bad guy. That was brilliant! I tell you, Mike, I’d give anything to beat you just once!

Mike McMack: Hey – maybe when I get a client who isn’t guilty!

[ they laugh ] [ McMack walks over to Miss Kazursky, who’s still bawling her eyes out at the stand ]

Mike McMack: Hey, what are you doing tonight? [ no response ] You’re not still mad about this trial thing, are you? Come on, it’s the way I make a buck! Come on, let me take you out for a big steak, what do you say?

Miss Kazursky: How can you talk to me that way? You put me on trial here, when I’m innocent! You humiliate me, and you let that man go free when he raped me! Is that what you learned in Law School?!!

[ Miss Kazursky exits the courtroom, leaving McMack alone with his thoughts ]

Mike McMack: Gee.. maybe she’s right. Maybe I got off the track somewhere along the line, in the pursuit of a buck. Maybe I.. lost sight of my ideals. [ thinks ] Naaaaahhhhh!

Announcer: Be sure to join us next week, when McMack takes on a case for Evil Knievel, in.. “Mike McMack: Defense Lawyer”.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/77: Steve Martin’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 1

77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: [ singing ]“Oh, the shark bites
with its teeth, yeah!
And it keeps them.. pearly white!

Oh, the shark bites
with its teeth, yeah!
And it keeps them.. pearly white!

Oh, the shark bites
with its teeth, yeah!
And it keeps them.. pearly white!

Oh, the shark bites
with its teeth, yeah!
And it keeps them — hit it, boys! — outta sight!”

[ Steve stops singing, turns to look at the band ]

You guys stuck-up or something?

Well, good evening! [ the band drops a note ] That’s okay! Hey – welcome to “Saturday Night”. I know what you’re saying, you’re saying, “Hey! Wait a minute. Steve’s wearing loafers. No laces on his shoes” [ breaks into song ] “Born to be wi-i-i-ild!”

I know a lot of you people are sitting out there saying to yourselves, “Steve – you’re a rambling guy. Is it tough for you, traveling from town to town, staying in different hotels every night, all alone, not with your friends?” Well, I’ve kind of worked that out now, I’ve got a whole new policy. Like, I came into New York early this morning, bought a house. Met a cute gal, got married. We had a little baby, another one on the way. Tomorrow: wake up, have a home-cooked meal, sell the house, get a divorce, and get on to the next town. So, this is what Steve is doing now.

So, I have a comedy album out now, called “Let’s Get Small”. And the only reason I mention that is I’ll be doing some television to promote it, you can kind of keep a lookout for it. I’ll be doing “Bowling For Dollars” next week – it’s a good show, my agent says it’s a good show. And we’ve got “Crosswits” coming up.. “Liars Club” – and, it’s easy for me to get on all these shows now, because I did so well on “Celebrity Cokeheads”. Excuse me.. boy oh boy, are my lips chapped! [ applies chapstick, then pretends to inhale it ]

Boy oh boy, I am so mad at Farrah Fawcett-Majors. She is so conceited. She has never called me once And after the hours I’ve spent holding up her poster with one hand! Geez!

Okay! Hey, does anybody know where I can get some cat handcuffs? I’ve gotta get a pair of cat handcuffs. Either two little ones like this, to go around the little paws.. or a big one that hooks onto my arm and then hooks onto the cat. I found out my cat was embezzling from me, so I’ve gotta get a little pair.. of cat handcuffs, so.. Well, I found out that when I’m away, he goes to the mailbox, picks up the checks, take them down to the bank and cashes them. The way I caught him, I went out to his little house, where he sleeps at night, and there was like $3,000 worth of cat toys out there. And you can’t return them, because they have spit all over them.. I don’t know where he is now, I guess he went out to Catalina, or something like that, I don’t know.. [ audience groans slightly ] No. He bought a catamaran, and went out.. [ audience groans again ] No, he got it out of a catalog.. [ groans ] This is a catastrophe! Hey, just remember – comedy is not pretty!

Alright, folks, we’ve got a great show tonight – we have Jackson Browne and his band. A great new comedy team – Franken & Davis! And we’ll be back right after this message!

SNL Transcripts