SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/77: Steve Martin’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 1

77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: [ singing ]“Oh, the shark bites
with its teeth, yeah!
And it keeps them.. pearly white!

Oh, the shark bites
with its teeth, yeah!
And it keeps them.. pearly white!

Oh, the shark bites
with its teeth, yeah!
And it keeps them.. pearly white!

Oh, the shark bites
with its teeth, yeah!
And it keeps them — hit it, boys! — outta sight!”

[ Steve stops singing, turns to look at the band ]

You guys stuck-up or something?

Well, good evening! [ the band drops a note ] That’s okay! Hey – welcome to “Saturday Night”. I know what you’re saying, you’re saying, “Hey! Wait a minute. Steve’s wearing loafers. No laces on his shoes” [ breaks into song ] “Born to be wi-i-i-ild!”

I know a lot of you people are sitting out there saying to yourselves, “Steve – you’re a rambling guy. Is it tough for you, traveling from town to town, staying in different hotels every night, all alone, not with your friends?” Well, I’ve kind of worked that out now, I’ve got a whole new policy. Like, I came into New York early this morning, bought a house. Met a cute gal, got married. We had a little baby, another one on the way. Tomorrow: wake up, have a home-cooked meal, sell the house, get a divorce, and get on to the next town. So, this is what Steve is doing now.

So, I have a comedy album out now, called “Let’s Get Small”. And the only reason I mention that is I’ll be doing some television to promote it, you can kind of keep a lookout for it. I’ll be doing “Bowling For Dollars” next week – it’s a good show, my agent says it’s a good show. And we’ve got “Crosswits” coming up.. “Liars Club” – and, it’s easy for me to get on all these shows now, because I did so well on “Celebrity Cokeheads”. Excuse me.. boy oh boy, are my lips chapped! [ applies chapstick, then pretends to inhale it ]

Boy oh boy, I am so mad at Farrah Fawcett-Majors. She is so conceited. She has never called me once And after the hours I’ve spent holding up her poster with one hand! Geez!

Okay! Hey, does anybody know where I can get some cat handcuffs? I’ve gotta get a pair of cat handcuffs. Either two little ones like this, to go around the little paws.. or a big one that hooks onto my arm and then hooks onto the cat. I found out my cat was embezzling from me, so I’ve gotta get a little pair.. of cat handcuffs, so.. Well, I found out that when I’m away, he goes to the mailbox, picks up the checks, take them down to the bank and cashes them. The way I caught him, I went out to his little house, where he sleeps at night, and there was like $3,000 worth of cat toys out there. And you can’t return them, because they have spit all over them.. I don’t know where he is now, I guess he went out to Catalina, or something like that, I don’t know.. [ audience groans slightly ] No. He bought a catamaran, and went out.. [ audience groans again ] No, he got it out of a catalog.. [ groans ] This is a catastrophe! Hey, just remember – comedy is not pretty!

Alright, folks, we’ve got a great show tonight – we have Jackson Browne and his band. A great new comedy team – Franken & Davis! And we’ll be back right after this message!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/77: Great Moments In Rock & Roll

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 1

77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Great Moments In Rock & Roll

Alice Sloan…..Laraine Newman
Roy Orbison…..John Belushi
Manager…..Bill Murray
Bandleader…..Howard Shore

[ open on title card ] [ dissolve to Alice Sloan sitting cross-legged in chair ]

Alice Sloan: Hi! I’m Alice Sloan, and this is “Great Moments In Rock”. I’m so freaked out about doing this show, I mean… my whole life has been Rock! God, I hope I can get this out before those ‘ludes kck on. I mean, I was never really a groupie or anything, but I did grow up in Los Angeles and got to know about two or three-thousand musicians personally. One rock stare that I especially remember was the man who wore these shades: [ she holds up Roy Orbison’s sunglasses on a plaque ] Roy Orbison. Of course, when you say “Roy Orbison”, everybody thinks of two things: he always stood perfectly still when he sang, and he always wore these dark glasses. It was in 1964, and I was ready to do ANYTHING to get those shades. We got really close one night in L.A., and I think it must have freaked Roy out a LOT, because, the next thing I knew, he was in Memphis.

[ the screen separates to find Roy Orbison standing on a Memphis stage with his manager ]

Manager: Roy. Roy, I gotta talk to you, boy. Now, as your manager, I’ve given you good advice on at least two occasions. Now, it was my idea for you to be a wooden man, you know stand perfectly still while you sing, right?

Roy Orbison: That’s right!

Manager: And who came up with the concept of you always wearing the dark glasses?

Roy Orbison: Well, I guess it was mainly your idea.

Manager: Right. Well, I’m gonna give you one more piece of advice: DUMP that new girlfriend of yours. She’s in the dressing room, she’s making a real mess, got plaster casts ALL over the place, it’s a mess! Get rid of her.

Roy Orbison: Well, I’ll talk to her, but she’s… such a pretty woman. I hate to make her cry. I —

[ Alice approaches Roy ]

Alice Sloan: Ro-oy! What happened to you yesterday? I woke up, and you were go-one!

Roy Orbison: Oh… I didn’t want to wake you up.

Alice Sloan: Well, I mean, you left a note, and I don’t understand it. It says: “One quart milk… Hostess Ho-Hos… and quail! I mean, you didn’t say you were going to Memphis!

Roy Orbison: Oh, I — I forgot.

Alice Sloan: [ sullenly ] You know, we’ve been together for a week now, and I feel as though I hardly know you. I mean, all I know is two things: you stand perfectly still when you sing, and you always wear dark glasses.

Roy Orbison: Well, baby… I’d love to tell you mroe about myself, but… right now, I’ve gotta rehearse this number — a song I wrote for you. But, look, I want you to run along now, and I’ll meet you at the motel.

Alice Sloan: Well, Roy, I — how do I know you’ll be there?

Roy Orbison: Baby, there’s TWO things you know about Roy Orbison: #1. that he stands perfectly still when he sings, and #2. he always wears his shades!

Alice Sloan: Oh.

Roy Orbison: Now, baby! I’m a-giving these shades… to you. [ he removes his shades, and squints from the lights ]

Alice Sloan: [ freaking out ] Oh, Roy! I don’t what to sa-ay! I mean, you have NO idea what this means to me!

Roy Orbison: My own personal shades, baby.

Alice Sloan: Oh, God! It’s a MIND BLOWER!!

Roy Orbison: [ squinting ] Hey, baby… you take those shades… I’ll see you tomorrow, baby.

Alice Sloan: Okay, Roy! Thank you!

[ Alice exits, as Roy steps to the back of the stage and dons a replacement pair of sunglasses ]

Bandleader: Okay, Roy. You want to take it from the top.

Roy Orbison: Okay.

Bandleader: Alright, you ready?

Roy Orbison: Okay. From the top!

[ the backing band breaks into “Pretty Woman”, as Roy moves stiffly about the stage with his guitar in position ]

Roy Orbison: [ singing ]“Pretty Woman!
Walking down the street.
Pretty Woman!
The kind I’d like to meet.
Pretty Woman.
I don’t believe you, you’re not the truth
No one could look as good as you.


Pretty Woman, stop a while
Pretty Woman, talk a while
Pretty Woman, give your smile to meeeeeee!

Pretty Woman, yeah, yeah, yeah
Pretty Woman, look my way
Pretty Woman, say you’ll stay with meeeeeee!”

[ Roy removes his shades, only to reveal another pair beneath ]

“‘Cause I need you
I’ll treat you right
Come to me, baby
Be mine toniiiii-hiiii-hiiiight!”

[ remaining stiff as a board, Roy falls over backwards on the high note ] [ Roy’s manager jumps in, grabs the microphone and thrusts it toward Roy, who is lying flat on his back and still performing ]

Roy Orbison: [ singing ]“Pretty Woman!
Don’t walk on by.
Pretty Woman!
Don’t make me cry.
Pretty Woman.”

[ Roy struggles to get to his feet, aided by his manager who lifts him back in place without Roy’s moving a muscle ]

“– must be okay.
I guess I’ll go on home, it’s late.
Maybe tomorrow night, but wait.”

[ Roy glances stage right ]

“What do I see-ee-ee?
Is she walking back to meeeeee..?”

[ Roy nearly falls backwards again, but his manager jumps in and holds him up ]

Roy Orbison: [ singing ]Yeeaaaahhh…
She’s walking back to me.

[ despite the manager’s efforts, Roy falls stiffly sideways and crashes to the floor on his stomach ] [ dissolve to title card ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts