SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/77: Great Moments In Rock & Roll

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 1

77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Great Moments In Rock & Roll

Alice Sloan…..Laraine Newman
Roy Orbison…..John Belushi
Manager…..Bill Murray
Bandleader…..Howard Shore

[ open on title card ] [ dissolve to Alice Sloan sitting cross-legged in chair ]

Alice Sloan: Hi! I’m Alice Sloan, and this is “Great Moments In Rock”. I’m so freaked out about doing this show, I mean… my whole life has been Rock! God, I hope I can get this out before those ‘ludes kck on. I mean, I was never really a groupie or anything, but I did grow up in Los Angeles and got to know about two or three-thousand musicians personally. One rock stare that I especially remember was the man who wore these shades: [ she holds up Roy Orbison’s sunglasses on a plaque ] Roy Orbison. Of course, when you say “Roy Orbison”, everybody thinks of two things: he always stood perfectly still when he sang, and he always wore these dark glasses. It was in 1964, and I was ready to do ANYTHING to get those shades. We got really close one night in L.A., and I think it must have freaked Roy out a LOT, because, the next thing I knew, he was in Memphis.

[ the screen separates to find Roy Orbison standing on a Memphis stage with his manager ]

Manager: Roy. Roy, I gotta talk to you, boy. Now, as your manager, I’ve given you good advice on at least two occasions. Now, it was my idea for you to be a wooden man, you know stand perfectly still while you sing, right?

Roy Orbison: That’s right!

Manager: And who came up with the concept of you always wearing the dark glasses?

Roy Orbison: Well, I guess it was mainly your idea.

Manager: Right. Well, I’m gonna give you one more piece of advice: DUMP that new girlfriend of yours. She’s in the dressing room, she’s making a real mess, got plaster casts ALL over the place, it’s a mess! Get rid of her.

Roy Orbison: Well, I’ll talk to her, but she’s… such a pretty woman. I hate to make her cry. I —

[ Alice approaches Roy ]

Alice Sloan: Ro-oy! What happened to you yesterday? I woke up, and you were go-one!

Roy Orbison: Oh… I didn’t want to wake you up.

Alice Sloan: Well, I mean, you left a note, and I don’t understand it. It says: “One quart milk… Hostess Ho-Hos… and quail! I mean, you didn’t say you were going to Memphis!

Roy Orbison: Oh, I — I forgot.

Alice Sloan: [ sullenly ] You know, we’ve been together for a week now, and I feel as though I hardly know you. I mean, all I know is two things: you stand perfectly still when you sing, and you always wear dark glasses.

Roy Orbison: Well, baby… I’d love to tell you mroe about myself, but… right now, I’ve gotta rehearse this number — a song I wrote for you. But, look, I want you to run along now, and I’ll meet you at the motel.

Alice Sloan: Well, Roy, I — how do I know you’ll be there?

Roy Orbison: Baby, there’s TWO things you know about Roy Orbison: #1. that he stands perfectly still when he sings, and #2. he always wears his shades!

Alice Sloan: Oh.

Roy Orbison: Now, baby! I’m a-giving these shades… to you. [ he removes his shades, and squints from the lights ]

Alice Sloan: [ freaking out ] Oh, Roy! I don’t what to sa-ay! I mean, you have NO idea what this means to me!

Roy Orbison: My own personal shades, baby.

Alice Sloan: Oh, God! It’s a MIND BLOWER!!

Roy Orbison: [ squinting ] Hey, baby… you take those shades… I’ll see you tomorrow, baby.

Alice Sloan: Okay, Roy! Thank you!

[ Alice exits, as Roy steps to the back of the stage and dons a replacement pair of sunglasses ]

Bandleader: Okay, Roy. You want to take it from the top.

Roy Orbison: Okay.

Bandleader: Alright, you ready?

Roy Orbison: Okay. From the top!

[ the backing band breaks into “Pretty Woman”, as Roy moves stiffly about the stage with his guitar in position ]

Roy Orbison: [ singing ]“Pretty Woman!
Walking down the street.
Pretty Woman!
The kind I’d like to meet.
Pretty Woman.
I don’t believe you, you’re not the truth
No one could look as good as you.


Pretty Woman, stop a while
Pretty Woman, talk a while
Pretty Woman, give your smile to meeeeeee!

Pretty Woman, yeah, yeah, yeah
Pretty Woman, look my way
Pretty Woman, say you’ll stay with meeeeeee!”

[ Roy removes his shades, only to reveal another pair beneath ]

“‘Cause I need you
I’ll treat you right
Come to me, baby
Be mine toniiiii-hiiii-hiiiight!”

[ remaining stiff as a board, Roy falls over backwards on the high note ] [ Roy’s manager jumps in, grabs the microphone and thrusts it toward Roy, who is lying flat on his back and still performing ]

Roy Orbison: [ singing ]“Pretty Woman!
Don’t walk on by.
Pretty Woman!
Don’t make me cry.
Pretty Woman.”

[ Roy struggles to get to his feet, aided by his manager who lifts him back in place without Roy’s moving a muscle ]

“– must be okay.
I guess I’ll go on home, it’s late.
Maybe tomorrow night, but wait.”

[ Roy glances stage right ]

“What do I see-ee-ee?
Is she walking back to meeeeee..?”

[ Roy nearly falls backwards again, but his manager jumps in and holds him up ]

Roy Orbison: [ singing ]Yeeaaaahhh…
She’s walking back to me.

[ despite the manager’s efforts, Roy falls stiffly sideways and crashes to the floor on his stomach ] [ dissolve to title card ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/77: Royale Deluxe II

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 1

77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Royale Deluxe II

Spokesman…..Dan Aykroyd

Spokesman: Introducing the 1978 Royal Deluxe II. A luxury nameand a luxury ride at a middle-range price? Impossible? We’ve come to Temple Beth Shalom in Little Neck, New York, and asked Rabbi Mayer Taklas to circumcise 8-day-old Benjamin Kanter while riding in the back seat of the elegant Royal Deluxe II.

Performing circumcision is demanding. It requires a sure handand a steady cutting surface. [ the car takes off ] To show you that our ride is the finest, sweetest in the world, we’ve deliberately picked this road because of its rough, uneven surface. This was an actual demonstration. Speed: 40 MPH.

The stylish Royal Deluxe II rides smooth because we built it right! [ the car drives over potholes ] Unique hydrodine suspension system, rack and pinion steering to ensure outstanding durability and control. And every new stylish Royal Deluxe II offers, as standard equipment, power front disc brakes.

[ a toy ball bounces into the street, as the car brakes sharply and we hear the baby cry after the Rabbi makes his final snip ]

Rabbi: Poifect!

Spokesman: You may never have to perform a circumcision in the Royal Deluxe II, but if you do, we’re sure you’ll agree with Rabbi Taklas..

Rabbi: That’s a beautiful baby.. and a beautiful car!

Announcer: Royal Deluxe II. A beautiful car.

SNL Transcripts