Buck Henry: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s always flattering to be asked to host “Saturday Night Live”, but, for me, it’s more that that. I think you’ll understand what I’m telling you. It’s a sense of.. a sense of vindication of what I represent. Now, we’re always being told that television is a “cultural desert”, because it reflects the vulgarity of the American public. Well, if that’s true.. what am I doing here? After all, I’m not your typical television personality. I don’t have an act, I don’t have a golf tournament named after me.. I represent dignity and intellectual achievement – qualities that aren’t supposed to generate.. big ratings. and, yet, here I am – cerebral as always – and the host of the most highly-rated late night show in television history. I think that says something good about you, the audience.
Of course, there are some.. [ a couple of audience members start to applaud themselves ] Yes! There are some television executives who don’t share this view. Who still think that television has to pander to people’s baser instincts. And, for them, I’ve arranged a little demonstration to prove my point. Uh, Davey? Could you get a shot of the special group, please?
[ reveal shot of audience members wearing electrode helmets covered in wires on their heads ]
Now.. ladies and gentlemen.. these twenty-five members of our audience have volunteered to take part in a special experiment. The devices which you see attached to their foreheads, developed by the Institute for Behaviorial Science at Indiana University, will measure their level of interest in tonight’s show. What’s more, this audience interest quotient – or, the I.Q. – will be registered directly on the screen, through the activation of an electronic video grid. In other words, the image on your screen tonight, will accurately reflect our special group’s interest in the show.
Are we ready to start? all right.
Well, you know.. I’ve given a great deal of thought to what television could be. The ultimate medium for the transmission of ideas. A living, vibrant storehouse of the products of our cultural and intellectual activity as a nation. [ screen slowly begins to shrink to its center, registering the group’s disinterest in what Buck has to say ] That’s something very exciting to me, and, I’m sure, to all of you as well. And the idea of a great electronic mirror, that’s held up to society to reflect our activity in politics, science and the arts. But what, I ask you, what has television become? I’ll tell you. It’s become a gawdy, painted tart! [ screen quickly enlarges, as the group pays attention to Buck’s exciting statements ] Riving in a wanton, tawdry display of cleavage, bare midriff and jiggling buttocks! [ screen jumps to full-size, audience wild with applause ] Always ready to plumb new depths of moral terpitude in order to please her clients! Is this what television has to be? I don’t think so.
The other night, uh.. I was re-reading Marcel Proust’s “The Remembrance of Things Past”. [ screen slowly begins to shrink to its center ] And I asked myself, “Why can’t television be viewed the way Proust viewed literature?” As a means of recovering from our unconcious memory of the texture of life, the day-to-day reality that we don’t see on commercial networks. It’s not because they can’t be done, or because the American public doesn’t want it. It’s because a tiny group of network brass has refused to accept the fact that we’re as interested in, say.. Susan Sontag and her intellectual achievements as.. Suzanne Somers, and her physical endowments. [ screen jumps back to full capacity ] They won’t believe that we’d rather read Betrand Russell’s “Why I Am Not A Christian”.. [ screen shrinks again ] ..than Jane Russell doing “Why I’d Rather Wear A Full-Figured Bra”. [ screen jumps back to full size ] THe old thinking. The thinking that has made this medium a cultural brothel! Where decadence and vulgarity flourish, won’t die easily! Sorry. Yes.
Fortunately, however, there are others in public life that think the way we do. People with vision – interesting people like Cleveland Amory.. [ screen shrinks, shrinks, shrinks ] ..Marshall McLuhan, David Frost, Edwin Newman, Alistair Cooke, Jack Kilpatrick, and Shane Alexander, Andy Rooney.. oh, I could go on with this list for a long time, the point is that the movement is growing! And, with your continued support, it will continue!
Uh.. this has been interesting, I’m glad we had the chance to raise some of these questions here tonight. We’ll be right back after this commercial message!
[ screen has now shrunk to a tiny dot, until it is, at last, solid black ]
[ fade ]
…..Mr. Bill …..Jane Curtin …..Dave Wilson …..John Belushi
[ open on “The Mr. Bill Show” title card ]
Mr. Hands V/O: Hey, kids! It’s time for “The Mr. Bill Show”!
[ card lifts to reveal Mr. Bill and Spot standing on set; Mr. Bill holds a “Saturday Night Live” show ticket in his hand, while Spot holds one in his mouth ]
Mr. Bill: Oh, boy! We’re gonna have fun today! Because we’re all gonna go see.. [ dramatic pause ] ..”Saturday Night Live“! Yay! So, kids, if you’re ready to go, let’s hop in-
[ Mr. Hands appears in the scene ]
Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill – can I go, too?
Mr. Bill: Oh, but, Mr. Hands, I only have two tickets, and I’ve been waiting all year for them!
Mr. Hands: But, Mr. Bill – you know they don’t allow pets at the show. I’ll take Spot’s ticket..
Mr. Bill: Oh, no! Leave Spot alone!
Mr. Hands: Come on, Spot.. let go..
[ Mr. Hands tugs at the ticket from Spot’s mouth, ultimately pulling it free along with Spot’s head ]
Mr. Bill: Ohhhhh!!
Mr. Hands: See you later, Spot! Make sure you watch the house while we’re gone.
Mr. Bill: Ohhhhh!! Ohhhh..
[ dissolve to 30 Rock exterior ]
Mr. Hands V/O: Well, here we are at NBC. And we’d better step on it, so we don’t get caught in the last-minute rush. Here.. you go first.
[ Mr. Hands places Mr. Bill at the foot of the revolving door ]
Mr. Bill: Oh, no, wait! No, wait, no! Ohhhhhh!!!
[ Mr. Hands enters the revlving door, sending Mr. Bill flying headfirst into the NBC wall ]
[ quick cut to Sluggo sitting in a seat in the studio audience, an empty seat to his left ]
Mr. Hands: Say, there’s only one seat left. Here. You take it.
[ Mr. Hands places Mr. Bill in the empty seat next to Sluggo ]
Mr. Bill: Oh, but.. but what’s everyone waiting for? Why isn’t the show starting?
Mr. Hands: Well, Mr. Bill, they’re waiting for the traditional opening line.
Mr. Bill: Oh, right! You mean.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiii..”
[ Mr. Hands sits on top of Mr. Bill, as the screen dissolves to SNL’s opening montage: photos of the Statue of Liberty, the New York City skyline, the slow zoom of the “Saturday Night Live” logo painted on the wall outside of 30 Rock, when suddenly.. ]
Jane Curtin V/O: Hold it! Wait a minute! Stop it! Stop it! Just stop it, okay! Just stop it, Davey!
[ quick cut to the control room, where Jane Curtin looms over director Dave Wilson in a fiery rage ]
Dave Wilson: Janie, we’re on the air, we’ve already started the show!
Jane Curtin: I don’t care! I don’t care! This is the last show of the fourth season! I’ve been here from the beginning, and not once have I said, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.” The first year, it was always Chevy; he’d do one of his falls, then he’d open the show – fine! Then he got fired, we all agreed we’d take turns! I figured if we’d stay on the air long enough, I’d eventually get to open the show. But now, to be passed over in favor of.. Gumby.. some meaningless piece of Play-Doh! It’s not fair!
Dave Wilson: Janie, what am I supposed to do? We’re on the air..
Jane Curtin: You hear me?! It’s just not fair, Davey! It’ not right!
[ John Belushi enters the control room ]
John Belushi: She’s right, Davey. She’s absolutely right! I’ve bene working on this show, I’ve been watching her work since Day One.. and she is a real pro! Jane’s a pro! She does her job, and she does it well! While the rest of us have gone on, and captured the hearts and minds of ?? public and the press.. Jane has gone on virtually unnoticed. I’m glad to see you asserting yourself, Jane; I admire you for that. I’m behind you 100%.
Michael O’Donoghue’s Elvis Impression / Goodnights
…..Buck Henry …..Michael O’Donoghue
Buck Henry: Ladies and gentlemen, the spectacularimpressions of Mr. Michael O’Donoghue.
[Applause. Music. Bearded, bespectacled MichaelO’Donoghue — perhaps better known as “Mr. Mike” –strides onstage]
Michael O’Donoghue: Thank you very much. And, uh,thank you, Buck… You know, in the past, um, twentyor thirty years, we’ve seen a lot of rock and rollstars come and go. But there was one man, one man whostayed on top right from the very beginning and Iguess that’s why they called him … the King. And ofcourse I’m speaking about … Mr. Elvis Presley.[Applause] Yes! Yes! There was a man…! [O’Donoghuejoins applause. Applause stops] You know, when Elvisdied … I think a small piece of all of us died withhim. I know that’s how it was with me. I was homewatching television the other afternoon and I happenedto catch Spinout, a great Presley movie with anincredible cast — Nancy Sinatra, Bill Bixby.[TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: Presley’s 1966 film Spinout doesnot feature Sinatra and Bixby — they appear inPresley’s 1968 film Speedway. An understandable erroron O’Donoghue’s part.] I was watching this movie and afunny thought occurred to me. I thought, what ifsomeone took steel needles, say, mm, fifteen, eighteeninches long and plunged them, plunged them into ElvisPresley’s … eyes. What would his reaction be? We canonly guess … but I think it might go something likethis…
[turns his back to the camera, pulls up shirtcollar over his neck, removes eyeglasses and pocketsthem, then spins quickly, his right hand clutched tohis eyes, screaming, shrieking at the top of hislungs. He staggers, collapses to the floor, tries toget up. Laughter and applause as O’Donoghue falls offstage and rolls into audience. ]
[Buck Henry returns to shout something to the crowd as the band begins to play the closing theme. O’Donoghue continues screaming, struggling through the audience and bumping into startled audience members as the final credits roll and the cast, host Buck Henry, and musical guest Bette Midler gather at center stage and wave good night, Bill Murray hopping up and down and dancing along with the music, etc.]
Richard Nixon…..Dan Aykroyd Pat Nixon…..Jane Curtin Julie Eisenhower…..Gilda Radner David Eisenhower…..Bill Murray John Dean…..Buck Henry
[ open on broadcast of the “Blind Ambition” mini-series, President Richard Nixon in secret meeting with John Dean ]
John Dean in Movie: ..Uh, but there’s no denying the fact that the White House – Ehrlichman, Haldeman, Dean – are all involved in some of the early money decisions.
President Richard Nixon in Movie: How much money do you need?
John Dean in Movie: Well.. I would say these people are going to cost, uh.. a million dollars over the next, uh.. two years.
President Richard Nixon in Movie: We could get that.
John Dean in Movie: Uh-huh.
President Richard Nixon in Movie: You, on the money, if you need the money, I mean, uh.. you could get the money. Let’s say-
John Dean in Movie: Well, I think that we’re going to-
[ the broadcast goes black, as camera zooms out to reveal former President Richard Nixon hunched over the television flipping the off switch ]
Richard Nixon: Well, that was a piece of crap!
Julie Eisenhower: You know.. Daddy, I thought the guy playing you was really terrible!
Richard Nixon: [ sweating ] Yeah, uh.. Rip Torn.
David Eisenhower: He didn’t look anything like you.
Richard Nixon: Yeah, he was really stiff, too.
Pat Nixon: [ holding tight to a highball ] I think, in some ways, he was uncannily accurate.
Richard Nixon: [ angry ] Shut up! I noticed they didn’t spend a lot of time on your dynamic role in history!
Pat Nixon: Well, I didn’t commit any crimes.
Julie Eisenhower: Daddy? Did you really say those things?
Richard Nixon: Now, Princess, you know Daddy.. would I say those things..?
David Eisenhower: Well, actually, sir.. it said that all your conversations with Dean were taken from the taped transcripts..
Richard Nixon: Okay, bright eyes! It was from the transcripts! But it’s not how you say it- it’s not what you say, rather.. it’s how you say it, idiot! You see, I.. I called you “idiot”, but I meant it affectionately.
David Eisenhower: [ confused ] I’m not sure I understand..
Richard Nixon: Okay, look, look.. you just say something, and I’ll.. show you how the meaning changes, depending on how you say it.
David Eisenhower: Okay.. [ thinking ] “I wish.. I were.. a baseball player.”
Richard Nixon: Okay. “I wish I were a baseball player.” [ analyzing the statement ] Uh.. “I wish I were a baseball player?” You see, like I don’t really mean it.
David Eisenhower: But I wouldn’t say it that way..
Julie Eisenhower: Well, that is the point, David.
Pat Nixon: [ drunkenly ] Why don’t you try “I love you”?
Richard Nixon: Look, we made the point there! Have you got enough ice? Is your drink okay?! Just let me finish talking to my daughter and her husband, alright?! [ continuing ] Now,
Julie Eisenhower: Uh.. you were saying that they took those transcripts, and they twisted them around to make you look like a crook!
Richard Nixon: Uh, uh, ye-eah.. that’s right, Kitten. For example, the scene we just saw, that March 21st meeting with Dean in the Oval Office. The way they show it, it makes it seem like I authorized raising the hush money. But, of course, nothing could be further from the truth! Let me tell you how it really went down. You see-
Pat Nixon: [ standing ] Excuse me. I’m going upstairs to watch the rest of the show, and find out what really happened. [ exits upstairs with her highball in hand ]
Richard Nixon: She could have said she was going up to read a book! But no! [ yelling up the stairs ] THANKS!! Thanks for the sensitivity!! THANKS for the support!! THANKS A LOT!! [ returns to Julie and David ] Where was I, now?
David Eisenhower: Uh.. you were telling us how they twisted the meaning of what you said.
Richard Nixon: That’s right, uh.. uh, yeah, yeah.. [ chuckles ] You see.. my administration.. had the greatest sense of humor that this country has ever seen. You see.. most of the time, we were.. making “party” tapes. Me, and Haldeman, and Ehrlichman, and Dean could joke for weeks on end. We actually.. played to the microphone..
[ slow dissolve to a flashback scene of Nixon’s March 21st meeting with John Dean in the Oval Office ]
Richard Nixon V/O: ..We’d do anything to crack wach other up! And I remember, that day, Dean was on a roll, so I just followed his lead, and.. “played along” with the “joke”..
John Dean: [ standing over Nixon’s desk; a microphone is unseen underneath a small lamp on the desk ] ..Plus.. there’s a real problem.. in raising money.
[ Dean holds up handwritten sign: “Let’s Pretend There’s A Cover Up”; Nixon laughs, removes lampshade to reveal hidden microphone ]
John Dean: Uh.. Mitchell.. Mitchell has been working on raising some money.. feeling he’s got, you know.. he’s one of the ones with the most.. to lose
President Richard Nixon: [ covers microphone with hand, tries not to laugh ] Martha!
John Dean: ..but.. there is no denying the fact that the White House – Ehrlichman, Haldeman.. [ points to himself ] ..Dean – are all involved in some of the.. early.. money decisions.
President Richard Nixon: [ stands slightly to speak directly into the microphone ] How much money do they need?
John Dean: Well.. I would say these people are going to cost, uh.. uh.. [ looks to Nixon for help, who sticks both thumbs in the air to silently cue Dean to pick a high number ] ..a million dollars! Over the next.. two years.
[ Nixon and Dean pound on the desk to subdue their laughter ]
President Richard Nixon: We could get that.
John Dean: [ stifling laughter ] Uh-huh.
[ Nixon scribbles on a pad, then, laughing silently, holds it up to reveal the message: “Let’s Talk In Incomplete Sentences” ]
President Richard Nixon: Uh.. uh.. You, uh.. on the money.. if you, uh.. need the money, I mean, uh.. you could get the money. Let’s say, uh..
John Dean: Well, I think if we’re going to, uh..
President Richard Nixon: What I meant is, uh.. you could get, uh.. you could get a million dollars. And you could get it in cash.
[ Dean stick two pencils up his nose, resembling a walrus; Nixon practically falls out of his chair laughing at the sight ]
President Richard Nixon: I, uh.. I know where it could be gotten!
John Dean: Uh, huh! [ puts lampshade on his head and dances in a circle, to nixon’s amusement ]
President Richard Nixon: I mean it’s not easy.. but it could be done!
[ Dean drops his pants and continues to dance with lampshade on his head; Nixon falls to the floor laughing, as Dean pounds on the desk in a fit of laughter ]
[ slow dissolve back to the Nixon household, present day ]
Richard Nixon: You see, David? Things aren’t always as they seem.
David Eisenhower: Well, I.. guess people just hear what they want to hear.
Julie Eisenhower: I’ll say. You know, Dad’s only crime was having too good a sense of humor.
Richard Nixon: You’re damn right, Kitten!
David Eisenhower: You know, Dad.. you should try to.. get those tapes released, and then everyone can hear how you were joking around.
Julie Eisenhower: Yeah! That’s a good idea!
Richard Nixon: Well, uh.. you know.. even audio tapes can be a little misleading. The expression on your face is really important, too!
Julie Eisenhower: Ohh.. it’s too bad you didn’t make any videotapes.
David Eisenhower: Yeah.
Richard Nixon: [ eyes shifting ] Yeah.. yeah.. too bad..
Julie Eisenhower: Well, uh.. we should go to bed.
David Eisenhower: Awww..
Richard Nixon: Uh, you’re right! That little granddaughter of mine’s gonna be waking you two kids up early tomorrow!
Julie Eisenhower: Good night, Dad.
Richard Nixon: Good night, Princess.
[ Julie exits to upstairs ]
David Eisenhower: Good night, Sir.
Richard Nixon: Good night, David.
David Eisenhower: Uh.. Dad? I.. guess I owe you an apology for.. what I said about the transcripts..
Richard Nixon: No, that’s okay, David.
David Eisenhower: Well, good night, sir.
Richard Nixon: Good night.
David Eisenhower: Pleasant dreams.
Richard Nixon: Mmm-hmm..
David Eisenhower: Pleasant dreams, sir.
Richard Nixon: Mmm-hmm..
David Eisenhower: Uh.. pleasant drea-
Richard Nixon: Yes, David! Thank you! Good night!
[ David exits to upstairs, as Nixon paces the room briefly before turning the TV back on. The Three Stooges are now, and Nixon watches cheerfully. ]
Richard Nixon: Ha ha! Shemp! Larry! Moe! Ha ha!
[ Dissolve to wider view of set showing cameras, lights, applauding audience, etc. ]
[ SUPER: “Coming up next: Czechoslavakian Towel Monograms” ]
[ fade ]
Joan Face … Jane Curtin Lynn Hagstrom … Laraine Newman Chris Randolph … Buck Henry
[GRAPHIC: NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY – MUSIC: “BothSides Now”: “I’ve looked at life from both sides now /From give and take / And still somehow …” – Dissolve to talk show set and host Joan Face.]
Joan Face: Good evening and welcome to “Not ForTranssexuals Only” — I’m Joan Face. Our guests todayare both recent transsexuals. First, Chris Randolph,one of thousands of men who have opted for womanhood.[bespectacled guy in a wig, blouse and pantsuit withlegs crossed] And Mr. Lynn Hagstrom, one of the fewwomen ever to become a man. [mustachioed woman wearingnecktie, legs spread apart] Lynn, yours was anextremely unusual operation. Can you tell us aboutit?
Lynn Hagstrom: Uh, yeah, Joan. It wasn’t easy.I had to wait a year and a half until they found amale donor with the same color hair.
Joan Face: And, uh, for our donors’information, ah, that – that – uh – or for ourviewers’ information, that donor was, ah, Ms.Randolph. Lynn, what’s it like suddenly beingmale?
Lynn Hagstrom: Well, it’s, uh, it’s quite anadjustment, I’d say. In my case, a bigadjustment.
Chris Randolph: Thank you.
Joan Face: Chris, do you feel that you gavemore to Lynn than – than he gave you?
Chris Randolph: Well, well, I did but I wasglad to give it to someone who wanted it and who wouldtake good care of it. I hate the idea of somethinglike that going to waste.
Lynn Hagstrom: Yeah, and I – I did take Chrisout for dinner.
Chris Randolph: In my case, a big dinner.[giggles girlishly]
Joan Face: Then we can conclude that you twosee each other socially.
Lynn Hagstrom: Oh, sure, but we’re just goodfriends.
Chris Randolph: We’ve decided not to getemotionally involved because when I’m around Lynn Ifeel sort of – detached.
Joan Face: Lynn, what was the first change thatyou noticed after the operation?
Lynn Hagstrom: Well, you know I get paid morefor doing the same job?
Joan Face: Well, uh, have – have either of youhad any second thoughts about switchinggenders?
Chris Randolph: Not at all. I love this year’sclothes. The colors are so gutsy.
Joan Face: And how ’bout you, Lynn? Anyregrets?
Lynn Hagstrom: Well, I think I miss gettingtaken out to dinner and having my cigarettes lit forme and – being slapped around a little.
Joan Face: Chris, what are your plans for thefuture?
Chris Randolph: Well, I guess I’m just anold-fashioned girl, Joan. I’m looking for Mr.Right.
Joan Face: And Lynn?
Lynn Hagstrom: Well, Joan, I’d like to, uh,pork as many broads as possible and … then settledown with the one who really loves me.
Chris Randolph: Say, Joan, I’ve alwayswondered. Why are you the host of “Not ForTranssexuals Only”?
Joan Face: Well, I used to be Edd “Kookie”Byrnes. That’s it for this week. This is Joan Facesaying: join us again next week on “Not ForTranssexuals Only” when our guests will be CarolChanning and Wayne Newton.
[Applause. MUSIC: “Both Sides Now” – Joan shakesChris’ hand as we slowly zoom in on sign at back ofset that reads: NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY. Dissolve tobumper photo of Buck Henry inprofile.]
[On the front window of the Olympia Restaurant are thewords: CLOSED – TAKE OUT ONLY. There is evidence of arecent fire: soot and smoke damage on the walls, thecash register, etc. Greek music plays quietly in thebackground throughout the sketch. The phone rings andthe blustering, mustachioed owner, Pete, answers:]
Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] Hello, OlympiaRestaurant. … [yells to George, the cook]Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger![throws a patty on the grill]
Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] No, no fries. Chip!… [yells to Nico, the counterman who doesn’t reallyunderstand English] Chip! Chip! Chip!
Nico: Chip! Chip! Chip!
Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] What to drink? … No,no Pepsi. Coke. We switch! … Okay. [yells to Nico]Coke! Coke! Coke!
Nico: Coke! Coke! Coke!
[Sandy the waitress, with no customers to wait on,sweeps the floor with a broom.]
Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] Uh, ten minutes, allright? All right. [hangs up]
Female Customer: [enters cautiously through the frontdoor – the “CLOSED” sign faces the street and thewords “TAKE OUT ONLY” are scrawled on the taped-upglass] Hi, Pete.
Pete Dionasopolis: [joins her by the door] Oh, we’reclosed today, honey. I’m sorry, we’re not open. Only”to go.”
Female Customer: Oh, I-I know. I just stopped by tosay I was sorry to hear about the fire.
Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah.
Female Customer: How did it start?
Pete Dionasopolis: [looks uncomfortable] Ahhhh …Sparks, I think, uh…
Female Customer: Yeah.
Pete Dionasopolis: [shrugs] I don’t know.
Female Customer: Well, uh, do you have any insurance?
Pete Dionasopolis: Oh, sure, I got insurance.
Female Customer: Oh, good.
Sandy: [pauses in her sweeping] Yes, it’s a good thingNico came home from the movies early, you know, thefireman, he say that, uh, if he come ten minuteslater, the whole place would have burned down.[continues sweeping as Pete and the customer move tothe counter]
Female Customer: Aww … Well, uh– [sees Nico’sbandaged arm] Oh! Is that how he burned his arm?
Pete Dionasopolis: No, he burned it while he– He was- he was hitting the alarm box, on the glass.
Nico: [mournfully] Yeah. [puts lids on some Cokes andbags them]
Female Customer: Well, um, when you fix the place up,ya gonna do anything different?
Pete Dionasopolis: [points] Sure, we gonna have a bigsalad bar over there, then we’re gonna knock down thewall for more tables.
Female Customer: Oh.
Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah, it’s gonna be real nice. Whatto go?
Female Customer: Oh, uh, I’ll just have the usual.
Pete Dionasopolis: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!
Pete Dionasopolis: [yells to Nico] Coke! Chip!
Nico: Coke! Chip!
Pete Dionasopolis: All right.
[Two police officers enter, Pete joins them at thedoor]
1st Cop: Well … we knew that a little thing like afire would not keep you guys closed.
2nd Cop: I think we’ll have two large Cokes to go.
1st Cop: Yeah, and some chips.
Pete Dionasopolis: Coke! Coke! Chip! Chip!
Nico: Coke! Coke! Chip! Chip!
2nd Cop: Yeah, it doesn’t smell much different inhere.
Female Customer: No. Smells like burnt rubber, doesn’tit?
2nd Cop: Yeah, it might even smell a little betterthan usual.
[Nico brings the cops their order and they head outthe door]
2nd Cop: See ya.
Pete Dionasopolis: [with a dismissive wave] Yeah,yeah, yeah.
Female Customer: Hey, uh, Pete, you forgot to taketheir money.
Pete Dionasopolis: Policemen don’t pay!
Female Customer: Why not?
Pete Dionasopolis: It’s bad luck!
Female Customer: What is it, some kind of Greeksuperstition?
Pete Dionasopolis: It’s an old superstition. If youdon’t give a policeman free food, they won’t come whenthey need you– when you need them.
Female Customer: Oh ho!
George: [hands customer her order] Cheeseburger.
Female Customer: By the way, could I have some ketchupwith this?
George: Sure. [gingerly picks up a charred plasticketchup bottle by the thumb and forefinger and handsit to her]
Female Customer: Well, that’s all right. [drops itwith disgust on counter]
Pete Dionasopolis: [rings cash register] All right,uh, two twenty-eight, honey.
Female Customer: All right.
[Mrs. Larrimore, a woman in a trenchcoat enters.]
Mrs. Larrimore: Uh, Mr. Dionasopolis?
Pete Dionasopolis: [joins her at door] Maybe yes,maybe no.
Pete Dionasopolis: Ah! Please come in! [guides her toa stool at the counter] I – I am Pete Dionasopolis.You know, I’m sorry, but maybe I thought you were fromthe Health Board, you know?
Female Customer: Well, bye everybody! And, Pete, I’mlooking forward to seeing the new salad bar. [exits]
Pete Dionasopolis: [uncomfortable at mention of saladbar in the presence of the insurance adjuster who isbusy pulling out a folder with paperwork] Oh, heh hehheh. [to Mrs. Larrimore] Ah! You want something todrink? Coke?
Nico: [thinks an order has been made] Coke! [Petegives him a look, Nico fixes a Coke]
Mrs. Larrimore: No, thank you.
Pete Dionasopolis: All right. Look what happened to mybeautiful restaurant! Everything is gone!
Nico: [puts a Coke on counter for Mrs. Larrimore]Coke. [But nobody is paying attention]
Mrs. Larrimore: Is this the first time you’ve ever hada fire in your restaurant?
Pete Dionasopolis: No, uh, ’bout five years ago, I hadone when I was with another insurance company.
Mrs. Larrimore: And what was the cause of that fire?
Pete Dionasopolis: [We get the sense throughout hisexchange with Mrs. Larrimore that Pete is not exactlybeing honest with her] Unknown, uh … They think itwas maybe sparks.
Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, I see. Now, would it be possiblefor you in the next few days to make a general list ofitems that were destroyed or damaged in the fire?
Pete Dionasopolis: Sure! [has the list ready, reachesfor it on counter] Yes. Here it is. [hands list toMrs. Larrimore]
Pete Dionasopolis: Everything! All my plates, all mydishes, everything is ruined — everything!
Mrs. Larrimore: [reads the list] Five hundred dollarsworth of paper napkins destroyed in the fire?
Pete Dionasopolis: It was a two year supply, you know,we lost them all. Oh ho, gee, boy.
Mrs. Larrimore: Two hundred dollars for picture ofSpiro Agnew?
Pete Dionasopolis: It was autographed!
Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, okay. Uh … I don’t see anypersonal items here. Did you lose anything like, uh,oh, umbrellas or golf clubs or anything like that?
Pete Dionasopolis: Yes!
Mrs. Larrimore: What?
Pete Dionasopolis: Uh … golf clubs.
Mrs. Larrimore: Golf clubs?
Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah.
Mrs. Larrimore: And, uh, what would you estimate thevalue of the golf clubs?
Pete Dionasopolis: Uhhhh, it’s hard to say, uh …
Mrs. Larrimore: Two hundred?
Pete Dionasopolis: Four.
Mrs. Larrimore: Four hundred dollars? They must havebeen very good clubs.
Pete Dionasopolis: Ah, yes.
Mrs. Larrimore: Did any of your, uh, your employeeslose any personal belongings?
Pete Dionasopolis: Yes! Everybody! Everybody![gestures for the other employees to gather around,they join him]
Mrs. Larrimore: Everybody lost something in the fire?
Pete Dionasopolis: Mm, yes.
Mrs. Larrimore: What?
Pete Dionasopolis: Golf clubs.
Mrs. Larrimore: You all lost golf clubs in the fire?
Pete Dionasopolis: [nudges a reluctant Sandy to playalong, nods to Nico and George who nod backuncomprehendingly] Yes! Yes. Everybody. You see, weall golf together, you know, that’s why we have tokeep them here.
Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, what a shame.
Pete Dionasopolis: Yes, well …
Mrs. Larrimore: Well, I’m going to have to have thenames and addresses of all your employees. [to Nico]Uh, why don’t you start? Your, uh, last name first.
Pete Dionasopolis: His name is Kardopita. Nico. [Sandyand George move off as Nico stands grinning andnodding] Uh, here, I’ll write it for you. [takes penfrom Mrs. Larrimore and writes name in her folder]
Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, good. And his address.
Pete Dionasopolis: Oh, he lives here. He lives in theback. He sleeps in the back.
Mrs. Larrimore: [points to floor] He lives HERE?
Pete Dionasopolis: [gestures] Not HERE, he livesTHERE, by the sink.
Mrs. Larrimore: Oh … [laughs, closes folder, puts itaway, shakes her head] I’m very sorry, Mr.Dionasopolis, but your policy clearly states that ifthe, uh, if the premises is used as a residence, thenyou have void your policy. I’m sorry.
Pete Dionasopolis: [gestures to Nico] Okay, forgetabout his golf clubs! [gestures to Sandy] Sandy, yougo next! Come on!
Mrs. Larrimore: [rises] Ah, no, no, no, no. You don’tseem – you don’t seem to understand, Mr. Dionasopolis.By permitting your business establishment to be usedas a residence, you have violated your rights forcoverage. I’m afraid I won’t be able to help you,after all. [hands Pete a business card] If you haveany further questions, you can speak to an arbitrator.His number is on this card. I’m very sorry.
[Mrs. Larrimore exits. Sandy, broom in hand, watches afrustrated Pete as he sits on a counter stool andexhales deeply. He is still brooding as the two policeofficers return to scam more free food.]
2nd Cop: Well, we’re still hungry, so we thought we’ddrop in to say hello again.
1st Cop: [to 2nd Cop] Yeah, how many are you gonnahave, huh, Norm?
2nd Cop: I think I’ll have two.
1st Cop: Yeah, I think I’ll have, uh, two, too.
[Pete stares at them for a moment, then turns away.Realizing Pete is too upset to deal with the cops,Sandy yells out to George:]
George: [throws patties on grill] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
2nd Cop: And, uh, give us some chips.
1st Cop: Yeah, an’ a couple o’ Cokes.
Sandy: [yells to Nico] Chip! Chip! Coke! Coke!
Nico: Chip! Chip! Coke! Coke!
George: Pete, no insurance money, what – what we gonnado now?
Pete Dionasopolis: What else? We’re Greeks. We …DANCE!
[The Greek music grows louder as Pete rises, liftsarms in the air, throws business card away, and startsdancing as the others watch in amazement]
Pete Dionasopolis: DANCE! EVERYBODY DANCE!
[Everyone, including the cops, raises their arms and,holding hands above their heads, the group dances in aline around the set. Dissolve to wider view of setshowing cameras, lights, applauding audience, etc.SUPER: coming up next… Land Of The GiantTransistors. Fade.]
[ Ray enters on scene on rollerskates and carrying a fishing pole ]
Ray: Saaay! Do you like disco music? Do you like to roller skate? do you like to fish? You do?! Well, then you’ll want to bring the whole family out to Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park! A most exciting concept in weekend recreational entertainment amusement parks! Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park is just a short drive away, so you’ll save on gas! And once you get there, hold on to your hat ’cause here comes the fun!
[ dissolve to a group of adults and a small child on roller skates with their legs in the air, dancing ]
The disco music makes you want to get up and move! And on roller skates, it’s great exercise!
[ cut to group of adults and small child standing on a pier fishing while wearing roller skates ]
And when you fish at the same time, it’s so relaxing your cares just roll away in rhythm!
[ close-up of one hand holding roller skates, the other hand holding a fish ]
We rent you the skates and fishing poles; you just pack up the kids, and put a sign on the door that says: “Gone disco roller fishing!”
[ cut to large body of water on the Ray’s property ]
Where? At Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park! You’re sure to catch something, and you can eat it later!
[ cut to an interracial couple on roller skates, holding up the fish they caught ]
Every Saturday we have our roller dance fishing contest, with a fifty-dollar prize for the best roller skating couple who catches the biggest fish!
[ dissolve back to Ray ]
Hey, if you like Barry White and whitefish, disco groups and groupers, or a disco bass with bass, come on out! Once you get it, you’re gonna be hooked! [ chuckles ] But, sometimes, the music scares the fish!
[ Ray slips on his roller skates, falling to the pavement ]
Whoa-oa! And sometimes, you fall down!
[ something tugs on Ray’s fishing pole ]
Whoa-oa! Whoa, I think I’ve got a big one! I’d better get up!
[ Ray stands as he reels the fish in ]
Whoops! I mean, get down!
[ dissolve to title card with address: “Garden State Parkway Exit 19 Long Branch, New Jersey” ]
Announcer: Why don’t you get down to Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park, jsut south of New York at the New Jersey coast. All major credit cards accepted.
[ open on Mr. Dantley entering bakery, baker at counter with back turned ]
Mr. Dantley: Afternoon! Could someone help me?
[ Baker turns around behind counter, revealing himself as the Samurai, complete with puffy baker’s hat atop his head ]
[ dissolve up title card ]
Announcer: It’s time for another episode of.. “Samurai Bakery”!
Mr. Dantley: Boy, am I glad you’re still open! You know, my brother is getting married tomorrow; I’m the best man, and like a dope, I forgot to order the wedding cake.
[ Samurai extends his sword angrily, pointing at the “Take A Number” ticket dispenser ]
Mr. Dantley: Oh, okay. [ tears a number ticket and waits ]
[ Samurai clicks machine to reveal Number 97, and repeatedly calls out the number in Japanese gibberish; when no one responds, Samurai clicks to Number 98 and calls out ]
Mr. Dantley: Yeah! Now.. I need a wedding cake.. [ notices a beautiful graduation cake on the counter ] Oh, ooh-ooh – that cake would be perfect! Listen, can you just.. take the, take the graduate off the top, and.. and.. and put on a little bride and groom?
[ Samurai points to his watch as he speaks in Japanese gibberish ]
Mr. Dantley: Ah. What time were they supposed to pick it up?
[ Samurai points to the 6 on his watch to indicate six o’clock ]
Mr. Dantley: Ooh.. ooh, what a nice watch! That’s great looking! Swiss! I have a Seiko, myself. It’s one of those Japanese-
[ Samurai spits in disgust and pulls his eyes back into a squint; he makes a Swiss cuckoo sound and points to the superiority of his own watch ]
Mr. Dantley: Yeah. Well, I know what you mean. [ points to his watch ] Look, look – it’s after six o’clock now. Why can’t I have that cake? It’s real important, honestly.. No, huh? [ pulls a large bill out of his wallet ] Well, uh.. I guess you wouldn’t be interested in, uh.. say a.. bribe of some kind, huh?
[ Samurai angrily expels his sword, slicing the graduate peg from the cake, and carefully replaces it with a bride and groom peg; Samurai then wipes the excess icing off his sword with a cloth ]
Mr. Dantley: That’s good! It’s going to make a young couple very, very happy! [ helps Samurai slide the cake across the counter, onto another flat surface ] I can’t believe that my brother is getting hitched after all these years. You know.. I introduced my brother to his fiancee.
[ curious, points from Mr. Dantley to the bride peg on the cake ]
Mr. Dantley: Mmm-hmm..
[ Samurai squeezes glaze from the tip of his sword, decorating the top of the cake ]
Mr. Dantley: Oh.. oh, that’s real nice! [ continuing his story ] As a matter of fact, I not only introduced him to his fiancee.. I used to go out with her myself.
[ intrigued, the Samurai motions his sword up and down in his case to congratulate Mr. Dantley on his former relationship with his brother’s fiancee ]
Mr. Dantley: [ laughing ] Well, that could be our little secret! By the way, what kind of cake is that under all that whipped cream? Is that chocolate?
Samurai: [ shakes head ] Mmm-mmm.
Mr. Dantley: Devil’s food?
Samurai: [ shakes head ] Mmm-hmm.
Mr. Dantley: What?
[ Samurai motions his hands in a foppish manner ]
Mr. Dantley: Oh, fruit cake! My favorite! Boy, it’s really a beauty. You.. you are a master baker!
Samurai: Hmm?? [ looks up, insulted at what he thought he heard, then relaxes ]
Mr. Dantley: How much do I owe you?
[ Saurai determines the price on his sword, giving the total to Mr. Dantley ]
Mr. Dantley: Terrific. [ pays up ] Now, listen, here’s the problem. How am I gonna carry that cake home? Because I have to walk six blocks to get to my house.
[ not a problem for the Samurai, who who grabs the cake in one hand, and flat, unopened boxes wrapped with string in his other hand, then tosses them both into the air, extracting his sword from his holder and swinging at the cake and boxes as they crash to the floor; Samurai then reaches behind the counter and pulls up the cake, now individually boxed by layer and ties with string ]
Mr. Dantley: Ah! Thank you!
[ dissolve up title card ]
Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of.. “Samurai Bakery”!
[ open on interior living room, as Betty answers the door to the notorious Uncle Roy ]
Betty: Oh, Roy! Come on in! It’s good to see you! Oh, the girls are so excited that you’re babysitting for them tonight!
Uncle Roy: Hi, Betty. I hope I’m not too early.
Betty: Oh, no.. we were just getting ready to get going.
[ Terri and Tracey suddenly come running and screaming down the stairs to greet their Uncle Roy, who is just as excited to see them in return ]
Terri & Tracy: Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!
Uncle Roy: Hello, my little darlings! Hello, my little darlings!
Betty: Well, they’re pretty excited to see you, no doubt about it! Roy, you are their favorite babysitter.
Tracy: Oh, Uncle Roy! Can we play Slide Down The Banister with Mary Poppins, and you push us down with the umbrella?
Betty: Oh, now stop being silly, Tracy! I don’t know where they get these ideas, Roy!
Uncle Roy: Now, girls, why don’t you go upstairs, and get into your little beds, and Uncle Roy will be up soon to “tuck” you in and tell you a bedtime story.
Terri: Oh! Will you tell us the story about Eddie the Eel and Debbie the Donut!
Uncle Roy: Uhhh.. I, uh.. not if you say another word, I won’t, no.
[ Terri and Tracey quickly run upstairs to get ready ]
Betty: I don’t know what your secret is!
Uncle Roy: I guess I just love children!
[ Arthur enters, dressed rather sleazy in a tan leather jacket and open dress shirt ]
Arthur: Hi there, Roy. How’s the pharmacy business treating you?
Uncle Roy: Oh, I can’t complain!
Arthur: I hope you’re not going to give me any argument over being paid tonight, now?
Uncle Roy: No, no! I wouldn’t dream of taking money for it!
Arthur: I don’t understand you, Roy! [ chuckles ] If I were still a bachelor, you’d never catch me watching a pair of brats for free.
Betty: Roy, you’re too good!
Uncle Roy: Really, it’s my pleasure! So, anyway.. what movie are you two off to tonight?
Arthur: Yeah. For the second time.
Betty: You know, Roy, it really was an immoral war.
Arthur: I’ll go warm up the wagon. [ exits the house ]
Betty: Now, there’s fresh Mr. Coffee, and there’s Sara Lee in the fridge. We should be back about eleven. Okay?
Uncle Roy: Okay.
Betty: And don’t let those little monsters take advantage of you.
Uncle Roy: Oh, really.. it’s my pleasure! Have fun yourselves!
[ Betty exits the house, as Uncle Roy carefully removes a Polaroid camera hidden inside his jacket and creeps steathily up the stairs ]
[ cut to Terri and Tracy sitting on their bed, reminiscing about nights past with Uncle Roy ]
Terri: You think Uncle Roy will let us play Invisible Leg Doctor?
Tracy: Oh, maybe. Remember when Uncle Roy played Pirate, and he was the island, and we had to search him for the buried treasure?
Tracy: That was fun!
Terri: And then we found candies all over him!
Tracy: Oh, that was fun, too!
[ Uncle Roy enters the bedroom, with his Polaroid camera secured around his neck ]
Terri: Oh, boy!
Uncle Roy: Yo ho ho, and a bottle of rum!
Tracy: Oh! I’m Long John Silver! I’m gonna search him for the buried treasure!
[ Tracy and Terri frantically feel all around Uncle Roy’s pockets, in a mad search for candy ]
Tracy: Uncle Roy, I’m a lion! [ growls ferociously ]
Terri: And I’m a tiger!
Uncle Roy: And I’m the lion tamer! [ slyly suggestive ] I sure hope these ferocious jungle cats don’t turn on me right this second and jump on top of me!
[ naturally, to Uncle Roy’s sheer delight, the girls begin to jump on top of him, crawling all over him and play-biting his legs ]
Uncle Roy: Ohh, the pain! Ohh, it hurts! Ohhh!
Terri: Uncle Roy. You promised to tell us a story..
Uncle Roy: Oh, oh.. well, no story until you’re tucked in. So, climb into bed, so Uncle Roy can start tucking!
[ the girls quickly jump into their beds ]
Tracy: Oh, tuck me in first, Uncle Roy.
Uncle Roy: Okay. Now, just settle down for the night! [ tucks Tracy into bed by grabbing at her under her blanket ] It’s time for you both to get tucked in! [ tucks Terri into bed by grabbing at her under her blanket ]
Terri: [ laughing ] That tickles!
Tracy: Come on, we want our story!
Uncle Roy: Well.. did I ever tell you the story of the.. wicked Tickle Maniac?
Terri: [ giggling ] No!
Tracy: Tell us!
Uncle Roy: “Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Ickle Pickle, there lived a wicked Tickle Maniac, who tickled so many little girls, that the judge sentenced him to Tickle jail. But he escaped, and went into a rampage throughout the kingdom, and there was only one thing little girls like you could do to stop him.”
Tracy: What’s that, Uncle Roy?
Uncle Roy: Get their little jump ropes, and tie him up! [ the girls don’t move ] Oh, no! I feel a.. tickle fit coming on!
Terri: Oh, no!
Tracy: We better get our jump ropes out!
[ the girls quickly jump out of bed and grab their jump ropes ]
Uncle Roy: Oh! I hope they’re gonna tie me up with their little jump ropes! Oh! Oh!
[ the girls raise Uncle Roy’s arms to the end of each of their bedposts, and tie him tightly to it ]
Uncle Roy: Oh! Next, they’ll be beating me, and hitting me with things!
[ the girls are satisfied with their efforts to tie Uncle Roy to the bedposts ]
Uncle Roy: “What Terri and Tracey didn’t realize was, that the wicked Tickle Maniac could still cry out for help, because they forgot to put their little socks in his mouth and secure them with their little pink ballet tights!”
Tracy: We can do that!
[ the girls quickly grab their socks and pink ballet tights, and stuff them in and around Uncle Roy’s mouth ]
Tracy: There you go! Wow, at last, the kingdom is saved!
Terri: Yeah! Now, we can fall asleep in peace!
[ the lights go out ]
Tracy: Good night, Terri!
Terri: Good night, Tracey!
Together: Good night, Uncle Roy!
Uncle Roy: [ says “Good night”, but it comes out muffled ]
[ dissolve to wide shot of the set, audience, etc. ]
[ SUPER: “Coming up next: Disco Mafiosa” ]
[ fade ]
… Jane Curtin … Bill Murray … Garrett Morris Roseanne Roseannadanna … Gilda Radner
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, withthe Weekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersonsBill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: [behind her a clock, labeledCLOCK, reads 12:05 a.m.] Good evening. I’m JaneCurtin. Here now the news. Our top storytonight:
California senator S. I. Hayakawa slept soundlythrough a Senate SALT briefing this week. Senator AlanCranston said, quote, “His eyes were closed, his headwas nodding and others allege he was snoring.” Endquote. Hayakawa reportedly commented later, “I need mysleep. Poor people don’t need sleep – because they’renot working and they don’t get tired.” …
A Pennsylvania dairy farmer says that nineteen of hiscows have died from radiation poisoning since theThree Mile Island nuclear accident last month. Otherlocal residents report the continuing deaths ofhousehold pets such as dog, cats, birds – [photo ofchild looking at a tiny prostrate elephant] – and eventhe Harrisburg Zoo’s five-ton elephant Betsy … whowas reduced by radiation shrinkage to the size of aLabrador retriever. …
Bill Murray: [who also sits in front of a clocklabeled CLOCK] This week, Congress approvedlegislation to have a special gold medal struck inhonor of John Wayne. The ailing Wayne said, “Shucks,all I did was ride a few horses, kiss a few women, andkill a few redskins and gooks.” … John Wayne,American. …
[Photo of Pierre Trudeau frowning but giving a “thumbsup” sign] Former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre ElliotTrudeau, shown here hitchhiking home to Montreal afterlast Tuesday’s elections, conceded the contest toconservative Joe Clark who had been referred to as”Joe Who?” Traditionalist Clark, taking over thegovernment this week, insisted that his title willofficially be “Prime Minister Who?” … And, infollowing the trend set by her predecessor, thenew Prime Minister’s wife immediately flew to New Yorkto celebrate at Studio 54 where she was seenarm-in-arm with none other than Tony Orlando himself.[doctored photo of a grinning Tony Orlando with hisarm around the prime minister’s wife] …
Last year, the Rolling Stones album “Some Girls” wasattacked by black leaders as being racist and it seemsthat time has not diminished the furor over it, as itwas recently the subject of a speech delivered by theReverend Jesse Jackson at an event celebrating the25th anniversary of the Supreme Court’s desegregationdecision. Here to comment is Update’s tokensociologist, Garrett Morris. …
[Polite applause for a bespectacled Garrett Morris wholooks dapper and dicty in a suit and tie.]
Garrett Morris: [dignified, dripping withsnooty condescension] Now, I’d like to speak about thesubject of a certain Mick Jagger – of theRolling Stones. … And I’m going to talk aboutthe song he sang — a song in which he sings thesevery words: “Black girls – just want to havesex – all night long.” …
Now, Mr. Jagger, there is only one question I want toask you — Jaggs. … And you better have theanswer, man, you better have the answer, since youhave besmirched the character of black women.Therefore, here is my question, Jaggs. [pause, takesoff eyeglasses, suddenly drops the pose, pleading]Where are all of these black broads, man? …[huge cheers and applause] Hey, like, where ARE they,baby? You got any phone numbers for me, baby? …Please send ’em to me. [puts glasses back on,dignified again] Thank you. … [enthusiasticapplause]
Jane Curtin: A familiar sight to TV viewers,the old NBC Peacock was redesigned and unveiled by NBCthis week. Aside from a little streamlining, the majorchange was in cutting off the peacock’s legs. …However, our inside sources tell us that the legsweren’t all that was removed – since the bird is nowknown as the NBC Capon. …
Bill Murray: The movement to draft Ted Kennedyfor president has begun a full eighteen months beforethe 1980 election. Impatient Democrats have alreadystarted unauthorized “Draft Kennedy” movements in NewHampshire, Iowa, Ohio and Minnesota. Kennedy has saidprivately that he will never run for president whilehis mother, Rose Kennedy, is alive. Well, impatientDemocrats have already begun arrangements to send the89-year-old matriarch off to visit Jimmy Hoffasometime before the New Hampshire primary. …
Jane Curtin: Because of the scarcity ofgasoline, the National Safety Council predicts thatthere will be fewer cars on the road this holidayweekend. Here to comment further on this situation iscorrespondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.
[Huge cheers and applause for the loud Latina womanwith the increasingly frizzy hair.]
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot! Thanks alot, Jane! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, NewJersey sent me this Memorial Day limerick thatsays:
Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,
This weekend is boring for me. I gotta stay home in Fort Lee. Having no gas, I declare, Is a pain in the rear ‘Cause you can’t say “ass” on TV. …
Well, Mr. Feder … I didn’t know you AND NipseyRussell were livin’ in New Jersey. … But I knowexactly what you’re goin’ through ’cause this weekend,I — Roseanne Roseannadanna — was plannin’ on drivin’out to the beach. But now, I have to stay home in myapartment and sweat like a dog! … And you knowsomethin’? I love goin’ to the beach onMemorial Day — ’cause you get to see a lot of pinkand white and real pale people with stuff on ’emthat’s been growin’ under their clothes all winter!… Like, they got little pimples and bumps and rashesand clumps of tiny hairs on their backs and legs andyou don’t WHAT they are! …
But I remember last Memorial Day, I went out to JonesBeach. And I was havin’ a great time swimmin’ andlyin’ on my towel and soakin’ up the sunshine andlookin’ like a little doll … when who – whodo I see on the beach but Miss Weekend Updateherself, Jane Curtin! [cheers and applause as wepan to include an increasingly self-conscious Jane]That’s right! Little Jane! And she looks so cute inher black bathing suit with her bubbly, chubby littlethighs! … And those little thighs still had thelittle underwear marks from when she changed in thecar and everything. … So I yelled, “Hey! Jane! Whatare you doin’ at Jones Beach?!”
But Jane wasn’t listenin’ to me. And you know why?’Cause she musta had this big lump o’ wet sand in thebottom of her bathing suit that was like a bulge thatitches. … Well, Jane – Jane kept stickin’ her handin her pants tryin’ to get the sand out and thenflickin’ it away! … And she was – she was there onthe beach and she was jumpin’ up and down and around,and flickin’ sand out of her bathing suit. [Jane,deeply embarrassed, tries to remain calm by twisting apaper clip out of shape] And no matter what Jane did– when she was walkin’, when she was buyin’ ice creamor playin’ Frisbee or anything — she just keptflickin’ at her bathing suit bottom. She just wouldn’ttake her hands out of her pants! … I thought she hada fish in there or somethin’! … [applause]
So, anyways, I yelled, “Hey! Jane! Quit flickin’ atyourself! What are you tryin’ to do?! Make me sick?!”… Well, I couldn’t believe the way she–
Jane Curtin: Roseanne, shut up!
Roseanne Roseannadanna: [makes a face] …Well, what’s with you, Miss Jane?
Jane Curtin: Roseanne, people — all sorts ofpeople have little odd things that happen to them. Whydo you insist on coming on and straying from thesubject to talk about some disgusting innuendoes? Thisman asked you about the gas shortage.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it justgoes to show ya. It’s always somethin’! If it’s notone thing, it’s another! Either you don’t have gas oryou got a lump of wet sand in the bottom of yourbathing suit. … You know, it’s just like the littlesong that my father used to sing to me before I wentto bed at night. It’s a song about you, Jane!And it was recorded in 1956 by the RoseannadannaBrothers. … And it goes like this:
[snaps her fingers and sings screechily, to the tuneof the Everly Brothers’ hit song “All I’ve Got to Dois Dream”:]When I need you to be my friend When I need favors I can depend Whenever I want you All I got to yell is “Ja-a-a-a-ane!”
[puts a friendly arm around Jane who smiles, wonover]
I sure think you’re fine I say it all the time I think that you’re a real peach! The only trouble is Gee whiz! You make me sick on the beach! … [Jane’s facefalls, applause]
I need you so, I wanna die! You got some stuff there in your eye! … Do you wanna Kleenex? [grabs a tissue and offersit to a disgusted Jane]Here, you can use this Kleenex, Ja-a-a-a-ane![Jane pushes the tissue away]
Jane Curtin: Good night, my little RoseanneRoseannadanna. [Roseanne wipes Jane’s cheek with thetissue, Jane slaps her hand away] That’s the news.Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: [waves into camera]Good night!
[Huge cheers and applause, cut to a wide shot of thedesk and fade.]