[ Ray enters on scene on rollerskates and carrying a fishing pole ]
Ray: Saaay! Do you like disco music? Do you like to roller skate? do you like to fish? You do?! Well, then you’ll want to bring the whole family out to Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park! A most exciting concept in weekend recreational entertainment amusement parks! Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park is just a short drive away, so you’ll save on gas! And once you get there, hold on to your hat ’cause here comes the fun!
[ dissolve to a group of adults and a small child on roller skates with their legs in the air, dancing ]
The disco music makes you want to get up and move! And on roller skates, it’s great exercise!
[ cut to group of adults and small child standing on a pier fishing while wearing roller skates ]
And when you fish at the same time, it’s so relaxing your cares just roll away in rhythm!
[ close-up of one hand holding roller skates, the other hand holding a fish ]
We rent you the skates and fishing poles; you just pack up the kids, and put a sign on the door that says: “Gone disco roller fishing!”
[ cut to large body of water on the Ray’s property ]
Where? At Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park! You’re sure to catch something, and you can eat it later!
[ cut to an interracial couple on roller skates, holding up the fish they caught ]
Every Saturday we have our roller dance fishing contest, with a fifty-dollar prize for the best roller skating couple who catches the biggest fish!
[ dissolve back to Ray ]
Hey, if you like Barry White and whitefish, disco groups and groupers, or a disco bass with bass, come on out! Once you get it, you’re gonna be hooked! [ chuckles ] But, sometimes, the music scares the fish!
[ Ray slips on his roller skates, falling to the pavement ]
Whoa-oa! And sometimes, you fall down!
[ something tugs on Ray’s fishing pole ]
Whoa-oa! Whoa, I think I’ve got a big one! I’d better get up!
[ Ray stands as he reels the fish in ]
Whoops! I mean, get down!
[ dissolve to title card with address: “Garden State Parkway Exit 19 Long Branch, New Jersey” ]
Announcer: Why don’t you get down to Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park, jsut south of New York at the New Jersey coast. All major credit cards accepted.
[ open on Mr. Dantley entering bakery, baker at counter with back turned ]
Mr. Dantley: Afternoon! Could someone help me?
[ Baker turns around behind counter, revealing himself as the Samurai, complete with puffy baker’s hat atop his head ]
[ dissolve up title card ]
Announcer: It’s time for another episode of.. “Samurai Bakery”!
Mr. Dantley: Boy, am I glad you’re still open! You know, my brother is getting married tomorrow; I’m the best man, and like a dope, I forgot to order the wedding cake.
[ Samurai extends his sword angrily, pointing at the “Take A Number” ticket dispenser ]
Mr. Dantley: Oh, okay. [ tears a number ticket and waits ]
[ Samurai clicks machine to reveal Number 97, and repeatedly calls out the number in Japanese gibberish; when no one responds, Samurai clicks to Number 98 and calls out ]
Mr. Dantley: Yeah! Now.. I need a wedding cake.. [ notices a beautiful graduation cake on the counter ] Oh, ooh-ooh – that cake would be perfect! Listen, can you just.. take the, take the graduate off the top, and.. and.. and put on a little bride and groom?
[ Samurai points to his watch as he speaks in Japanese gibberish ]
Mr. Dantley: Ah. What time were they supposed to pick it up?
[ Samurai points to the 6 on his watch to indicate six o’clock ]
Mr. Dantley: Ooh.. ooh, what a nice watch! That’s great looking! Swiss! I have a Seiko, myself. It’s one of those Japanese-
[ Samurai spits in disgust and pulls his eyes back into a squint; he makes a Swiss cuckoo sound and points to the superiority of his own watch ]
Mr. Dantley: Yeah. Well, I know what you mean. [ points to his watch ] Look, look – it’s after six o’clock now. Why can’t I have that cake? It’s real important, honestly.. No, huh? [ pulls a large bill out of his wallet ] Well, uh.. I guess you wouldn’t be interested in, uh.. say a.. bribe of some kind, huh?
[ Samurai angrily expels his sword, slicing the graduate peg from the cake, and carefully replaces it with a bride and groom peg; Samurai then wipes the excess icing off his sword with a cloth ]
Mr. Dantley: That’s good! It’s going to make a young couple very, very happy! [ helps Samurai slide the cake across the counter, onto another flat surface ] I can’t believe that my brother is getting hitched after all these years. You know.. I introduced my brother to his fiancee.
[ curious, points from Mr. Dantley to the bride peg on the cake ]
Mr. Dantley: Mmm-hmm..
[ Samurai squeezes glaze from the tip of his sword, decorating the top of the cake ]
Mr. Dantley: Oh.. oh, that’s real nice! [ continuing his story ] As a matter of fact, I not only introduced him to his fiancee.. I used to go out with her myself.
[ intrigued, the Samurai motions his sword up and down in his case to congratulate Mr. Dantley on his former relationship with his brother’s fiancee ]
Mr. Dantley: [ laughing ] Well, that could be our little secret! By the way, what kind of cake is that under all that whipped cream? Is that chocolate?
Samurai: [ shakes head ] Mmm-mmm.
Mr. Dantley: Devil’s food?
Samurai: [ shakes head ] Mmm-hmm.
Mr. Dantley: What?
[ Samurai motions his hands in a foppish manner ]
Mr. Dantley: Oh, fruit cake! My favorite! Boy, it’s really a beauty. You.. you are a master baker!
Samurai: Hmm?? [ looks up, insulted at what he thought he heard, then relaxes ]
Mr. Dantley: How much do I owe you?
[ Saurai determines the price on his sword, giving the total to Mr. Dantley ]
Mr. Dantley: Terrific. [ pays up ] Now, listen, here’s the problem. How am I gonna carry that cake home? Because I have to walk six blocks to get to my house.
[ not a problem for the Samurai, who who grabs the cake in one hand, and flat, unopened boxes wrapped with string in his other hand, then tosses them both into the air, extracting his sword from his holder and swinging at the cake and boxes as they crash to the floor; Samurai then reaches behind the counter and pulls up the cake, now individually boxed by layer and ties with string ]
Mr. Dantley: Ah! Thank you!
[ dissolve up title card ]
Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of.. “Samurai Bakery”!
[ open on interior living room, as Betty answers the door to the notorious Uncle Roy ]
Betty: Oh, Roy! Come on in! It’s good to see you! Oh, the girls are so excited that you’re babysitting for them tonight!
Uncle Roy: Hi, Betty. I hope I’m not too early.
Betty: Oh, no.. we were just getting ready to get going.
[ Terri and Tracey suddenly come running and screaming down the stairs to greet their Uncle Roy, who is just as excited to see them in return ]
Terri & Tracy: Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!
Uncle Roy: Hello, my little darlings! Hello, my little darlings!
Betty: Well, they’re pretty excited to see you, no doubt about it! Roy, you are their favorite babysitter.
Tracy: Oh, Uncle Roy! Can we play Slide Down The Banister with Mary Poppins, and you push us down with the umbrella?
Betty: Oh, now stop being silly, Tracy! I don’t know where they get these ideas, Roy!
Uncle Roy: Now, girls, why don’t you go upstairs, and get into your little beds, and Uncle Roy will be up soon to “tuck” you in and tell you a bedtime story.
Terri: Oh! Will you tell us the story about Eddie the Eel and Debbie the Donut!
Uncle Roy: Uhhh.. I, uh.. not if you say another word, I won’t, no.
[ Terri and Tracey quickly run upstairs to get ready ]
Betty: I don’t know what your secret is!
Uncle Roy: I guess I just love children!
[ Arthur enters, dressed rather sleazy in a tan leather jacket and open dress shirt ]
Arthur: Hi there, Roy. How’s the pharmacy business treating you?
Uncle Roy: Oh, I can’t complain!
Arthur: I hope you’re not going to give me any argument over being paid tonight, now?
Uncle Roy: No, no! I wouldn’t dream of taking money for it!
Arthur: I don’t understand you, Roy! [ chuckles ] If I were still a bachelor, you’d never catch me watching a pair of brats for free.
Betty: Roy, you’re too good!
Uncle Roy: Really, it’s my pleasure! So, anyway.. what movie are you two off to tonight?
Arthur: Yeah. For the second time.
Betty: You know, Roy, it really was an immoral war.
Arthur: I’ll go warm up the wagon. [ exits the house ]
Betty: Now, there’s fresh Mr. Coffee, and there’s Sara Lee in the fridge. We should be back about eleven. Okay?
Uncle Roy: Okay.
Betty: And don’t let those little monsters take advantage of you.
Uncle Roy: Oh, really.. it’s my pleasure! Have fun yourselves!
[ Betty exits the house, as Uncle Roy carefully removes a Polaroid camera hidden inside his jacket and creeps steathily up the stairs ]
[ cut to Terri and Tracy sitting on their bed, reminiscing about nights past with Uncle Roy ]
Terri: You think Uncle Roy will let us play Invisible Leg Doctor?
Tracy: Oh, maybe. Remember when Uncle Roy played Pirate, and he was the island, and we had to search him for the buried treasure?
Tracy: That was fun!
Terri: And then we found candies all over him!
Tracy: Oh, that was fun, too!
[ Uncle Roy enters the bedroom, with his Polaroid camera secured around his neck ]
Terri: Oh, boy!
Uncle Roy: Yo ho ho, and a bottle of rum!
Tracy: Oh! I’m Long John Silver! I’m gonna search him for the buried treasure!
[ Tracy and Terri frantically feel all around Uncle Roy’s pockets, in a mad search for candy ]
Tracy: Uncle Roy, I’m a lion! [ growls ferociously ]
Terri: And I’m a tiger!
Uncle Roy: And I’m the lion tamer! [ slyly suggestive ] I sure hope these ferocious jungle cats don’t turn on me right this second and jump on top of me!
[ naturally, to Uncle Roy’s sheer delight, the girls begin to jump on top of him, crawling all over him and play-biting his legs ]
Uncle Roy: Ohh, the pain! Ohh, it hurts! Ohhh!
Terri: Uncle Roy. You promised to tell us a story..
Uncle Roy: Oh, oh.. well, no story until you’re tucked in. So, climb into bed, so Uncle Roy can start tucking!
[ the girls quickly jump into their beds ]
Tracy: Oh, tuck me in first, Uncle Roy.
Uncle Roy: Okay. Now, just settle down for the night! [ tucks Tracy into bed by grabbing at her under her blanket ] It’s time for you both to get tucked in! [ tucks Terri into bed by grabbing at her under her blanket ]
Terri: [ laughing ] That tickles!
Tracy: Come on, we want our story!
Uncle Roy: Well.. did I ever tell you the story of the.. wicked Tickle Maniac?
Terri: [ giggling ] No!
Tracy: Tell us!
Uncle Roy: “Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Ickle Pickle, there lived a wicked Tickle Maniac, who tickled so many little girls, that the judge sentenced him to Tickle jail. But he escaped, and went into a rampage throughout the kingdom, and there was only one thing little girls like you could do to stop him.”
Tracy: What’s that, Uncle Roy?
Uncle Roy: Get their little jump ropes, and tie him up! [ the girls don’t move ] Oh, no! I feel a.. tickle fit coming on!
Terri: Oh, no!
Tracy: We better get our jump ropes out!
[ the girls quickly jump out of bed and grab their jump ropes ]
Uncle Roy: Oh! I hope they’re gonna tie me up with their little jump ropes! Oh! Oh!
[ the girls raise Uncle Roy’s arms to the end of each of their bedposts, and tie him tightly to it ]
Uncle Roy: Oh! Next, they’ll be beating me, and hitting me with things!
[ the girls are satisfied with their efforts to tie Uncle Roy to the bedposts ]
Uncle Roy: “What Terri and Tracey didn’t realize was, that the wicked Tickle Maniac could still cry out for help, because they forgot to put their little socks in his mouth and secure them with their little pink ballet tights!”
Tracy: We can do that!
[ the girls quickly grab their socks and pink ballet tights, and stuff them in and around Uncle Roy’s mouth ]
Tracy: There you go! Wow, at last, the kingdom is saved!
Terri: Yeah! Now, we can fall asleep in peace!
[ the lights go out ]
Tracy: Good night, Terri!
Terri: Good night, Tracey!
Together: Good night, Uncle Roy!
Uncle Roy: [ says “Good night”, but it comes out muffled ]
[ dissolve to wide shot of the set, audience, etc. ]
[ SUPER: “Coming up next: Disco Mafiosa” ]
[ fade ]
… Jane Curtin … Bill Murray … Garrett Morris Roseanne Roseannadanna … Gilda Radner
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, withthe Weekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersonsBill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: [behind her a clock, labeledCLOCK, reads 12:05 a.m.] Good evening. I’m JaneCurtin. Here now the news. Our top storytonight:
California senator S. I. Hayakawa slept soundlythrough a Senate SALT briefing this week. Senator AlanCranston said, quote, “His eyes were closed, his headwas nodding and others allege he was snoring.” Endquote. Hayakawa reportedly commented later, “I need mysleep. Poor people don’t need sleep – because they’renot working and they don’t get tired.” …
A Pennsylvania dairy farmer says that nineteen of hiscows have died from radiation poisoning since theThree Mile Island nuclear accident last month. Otherlocal residents report the continuing deaths ofhousehold pets such as dog, cats, birds – [photo ofchild looking at a tiny prostrate elephant] – and eventhe Harrisburg Zoo’s five-ton elephant Betsy … whowas reduced by radiation shrinkage to the size of aLabrador retriever. …
Bill Murray: [who also sits in front of a clocklabeled CLOCK] This week, Congress approvedlegislation to have a special gold medal struck inhonor of John Wayne. The ailing Wayne said, “Shucks,all I did was ride a few horses, kiss a few women, andkill a few redskins and gooks.” … John Wayne,American. …
[Photo of Pierre Trudeau frowning but giving a “thumbsup” sign] Former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre ElliotTrudeau, shown here hitchhiking home to Montreal afterlast Tuesday’s elections, conceded the contest toconservative Joe Clark who had been referred to as”Joe Who?” Traditionalist Clark, taking over thegovernment this week, insisted that his title willofficially be “Prime Minister Who?” … And, infollowing the trend set by her predecessor, thenew Prime Minister’s wife immediately flew to New Yorkto celebrate at Studio 54 where she was seenarm-in-arm with none other than Tony Orlando himself.[doctored photo of a grinning Tony Orlando with hisarm around the prime minister’s wife] …
Last year, the Rolling Stones album “Some Girls” wasattacked by black leaders as being racist and it seemsthat time has not diminished the furor over it, as itwas recently the subject of a speech delivered by theReverend Jesse Jackson at an event celebrating the25th anniversary of the Supreme Court’s desegregationdecision. Here to comment is Update’s tokensociologist, Garrett Morris. …
[Polite applause for a bespectacled Garrett Morris wholooks dapper and dicty in a suit and tie.]
Garrett Morris: [dignified, dripping withsnooty condescension] Now, I’d like to speak about thesubject of a certain Mick Jagger – of theRolling Stones. … And I’m going to talk aboutthe song he sang — a song in which he sings thesevery words: “Black girls – just want to havesex – all night long.” …
Now, Mr. Jagger, there is only one question I want toask you — Jaggs. … And you better have theanswer, man, you better have the answer, since youhave besmirched the character of black women.Therefore, here is my question, Jaggs. [pause, takesoff eyeglasses, suddenly drops the pose, pleading]Where are all of these black broads, man? …[huge cheers and applause] Hey, like, where ARE they,baby? You got any phone numbers for me, baby? …Please send ’em to me. [puts glasses back on,dignified again] Thank you. … [enthusiasticapplause]
Jane Curtin: A familiar sight to TV viewers,the old NBC Peacock was redesigned and unveiled by NBCthis week. Aside from a little streamlining, the majorchange was in cutting off the peacock’s legs. …However, our inside sources tell us that the legsweren’t all that was removed – since the bird is nowknown as the NBC Capon. …
Bill Murray: The movement to draft Ted Kennedyfor president has begun a full eighteen months beforethe 1980 election. Impatient Democrats have alreadystarted unauthorized “Draft Kennedy” movements in NewHampshire, Iowa, Ohio and Minnesota. Kennedy has saidprivately that he will never run for president whilehis mother, Rose Kennedy, is alive. Well, impatientDemocrats have already begun arrangements to send the89-year-old matriarch off to visit Jimmy Hoffasometime before the New Hampshire primary. …
Jane Curtin: Because of the scarcity ofgasoline, the National Safety Council predicts thatthere will be fewer cars on the road this holidayweekend. Here to comment further on this situation iscorrespondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.
[Huge cheers and applause for the loud Latina womanwith the increasingly frizzy hair.]
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot! Thanks alot, Jane! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, NewJersey sent me this Memorial Day limerick thatsays:
Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,
This weekend is boring for me. I gotta stay home in Fort Lee. Having no gas, I declare, Is a pain in the rear ‘Cause you can’t say “ass” on TV. …
Well, Mr. Feder … I didn’t know you AND NipseyRussell were livin’ in New Jersey. … But I knowexactly what you’re goin’ through ’cause this weekend,I — Roseanne Roseannadanna — was plannin’ on drivin’out to the beach. But now, I have to stay home in myapartment and sweat like a dog! … And you knowsomethin’? I love goin’ to the beach onMemorial Day — ’cause you get to see a lot of pinkand white and real pale people with stuff on ’emthat’s been growin’ under their clothes all winter!… Like, they got little pimples and bumps and rashesand clumps of tiny hairs on their backs and legs andyou don’t WHAT they are! …
But I remember last Memorial Day, I went out to JonesBeach. And I was havin’ a great time swimmin’ andlyin’ on my towel and soakin’ up the sunshine andlookin’ like a little doll … when who – whodo I see on the beach but Miss Weekend Updateherself, Jane Curtin! [cheers and applause as wepan to include an increasingly self-conscious Jane]That’s right! Little Jane! And she looks so cute inher black bathing suit with her bubbly, chubby littlethighs! … And those little thighs still had thelittle underwear marks from when she changed in thecar and everything. … So I yelled, “Hey! Jane! Whatare you doin’ at Jones Beach?!”
But Jane wasn’t listenin’ to me. And you know why?’Cause she musta had this big lump o’ wet sand in thebottom of her bathing suit that was like a bulge thatitches. … Well, Jane – Jane kept stickin’ her handin her pants tryin’ to get the sand out and thenflickin’ it away! … And she was – she was there onthe beach and she was jumpin’ up and down and around,and flickin’ sand out of her bathing suit. [Jane,deeply embarrassed, tries to remain calm by twisting apaper clip out of shape] And no matter what Jane did– when she was walkin’, when she was buyin’ ice creamor playin’ Frisbee or anything — she just keptflickin’ at her bathing suit bottom. She just wouldn’ttake her hands out of her pants! … I thought she hada fish in there or somethin’! … [applause]
So, anyways, I yelled, “Hey! Jane! Quit flickin’ atyourself! What are you tryin’ to do?! Make me sick?!”… Well, I couldn’t believe the way she–
Jane Curtin: Roseanne, shut up!
Roseanne Roseannadanna: [makes a face] …Well, what’s with you, Miss Jane?
Jane Curtin: Roseanne, people — all sorts ofpeople have little odd things that happen to them. Whydo you insist on coming on and straying from thesubject to talk about some disgusting innuendoes? Thisman asked you about the gas shortage.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it justgoes to show ya. It’s always somethin’! If it’s notone thing, it’s another! Either you don’t have gas oryou got a lump of wet sand in the bottom of yourbathing suit. … You know, it’s just like the littlesong that my father used to sing to me before I wentto bed at night. It’s a song about you, Jane!And it was recorded in 1956 by the RoseannadannaBrothers. … And it goes like this:
[snaps her fingers and sings screechily, to the tuneof the Everly Brothers’ hit song “All I’ve Got to Dois Dream”:]When I need you to be my friend When I need favors I can depend Whenever I want you All I got to yell is “Ja-a-a-a-ane!”
[puts a friendly arm around Jane who smiles, wonover]
I sure think you’re fine I say it all the time I think that you’re a real peach! The only trouble is Gee whiz! You make me sick on the beach! … [Jane’s facefalls, applause]
I need you so, I wanna die! You got some stuff there in your eye! … Do you wanna Kleenex? [grabs a tissue and offersit to a disgusted Jane]Here, you can use this Kleenex, Ja-a-a-a-ane![Jane pushes the tissue away]
Jane Curtin: Good night, my little RoseanneRoseannadanna. [Roseanne wipes Jane’s cheek with thetissue, Jane slaps her hand away] That’s the news.Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: [waves into camera]Good night!
[Huge cheers and applause, cut to a wide shot of thedesk and fade.]
[ open on interior of mini-mall ]
[ zoom past the Scotch Boutique to its neighbor, Mary’s Candies ]
[ dissolve to interior, Mary standing alone behind the counter reading a magazine, no customers in sight ]
[ Jenny Rocker enters, carrying a small box ]
Jenny Rocker: Hi, Mary!
Jenny Rocker: Aren’t you, uh, going over to the uh, Going Out of Business Sale for Puppy Land with Diane and Joann?
Mary: No. I don’t think I could go over there without crying. Just tell them goodbye for me, and that I wish them good luck in whatever they get themselves into next.
Jenny Rocker: How’s business?
Mary: Oh. Well, yesterday I sold about ten dollars’ worth, but today hasn’t been so good. How are things at the Scotch Boutique?
Jenny Rocker: [ elated ] Oh, the Scotch tape business is GREAT! And did you see the signs all over that say “Thomas Shoes: Going Out of Business”?
Mary: Yes. I did.
Jenny Rocker: [ proudly ] That was our tape they used to put them up.
Mary: [ she tsks ] With Thomas Shoes closing out, that’ll make it TEN stores that moved out of the mall so far this year.
Jenny Rocker: Yeah, I know.
[ Floyd Hunger enters ]
Floyd Hunger: Hi, Jenny. Mary.
Mary: Hi, Floyd.
Jenny Rocker: Hi, Floyd. Aren’t you going to the party for, uh, Puppy Land?
Floyd Hunger: Yeah, well, I was just on my way. I thought I’d drop by, get some candy, and bring it as a Going Away gift.
Mary: What? The mall is really going under, isn’t it?
Floyd Hunger: I think business will be picking up, as soon as this gas crisis gets worse. Remember: We’re two miles closer to town than the new mall. And nobody’s gonna want to waste all that gas to drive to a mall that’s two miles farther away. We’re closer.
Jenny Rocker: [ prosperously ] I never thought of that, Floyd!
Floyd Hunger: Sure.
Mary: Then, why is Puppy Land going out of business? I mean, why can’t you make them hold on until next month?
Floyd Hunger: Well, Mary, with puppies it’s different than with candy, or scotch tape, or men’s clothing. If I’ve got a man’s suit on the rack for six months, it’s no big deal. But if you keep puppies on inventory for six months… they turn into dogs. It’s as bad as the egg business.
Jenny Rocker: Yeah. I heard they don’t have one puppy in there… that is less than eight months old. As a matter of fact — [ she laughs ] the garbagemen joke that Puppy Land’s trash bags only contain Cycle 2 dog food! [ she laughs alone ] That’s like… a joke they made up. D-didn’t you ever see the commercial where they have different cans of dog food for different age dogs.
Mary: No. I never did.
Floyd Hunger: I must have missed that one.
Jenny Rocker: Well… one can is called Cycle 1, and it’s for puppies… and the other’s called Cycle 2, and it’s for dogs over six months old. And, uh, that’s what they meant when they said that there’s only — [ she laughs again ] Cycle 2 dog food in the… trash… because all of Puppy Land’s puppies are old — that, um — th-they don’t eat Cycle 1 any more.
[ more silence; Floyd nods politely ]
Floyd Hunger: I think, maybe, we’d better get over there.
[ suddenly, Ron enters ]
Ron: It’s Puppy Land party time!
Floyd Hunger: We were just on our way.
Jenny Rocker: Yeah. [ laughing ] Did you hear the joke that the garbagemen are making about the dog food in Puppy Land’s trash?
Floyd Hunger: Why don’t you go on over there, and I’ll get some candy, and I’ll join you guys?
Jenny Rocker: Oh! What are you giving them?
Ron: [ he holds up a bottle ] Shampoo. They may be broke inside, but they’re gonna have CLEAN hair! [ he laughs ] I’ll see you over there, Floyd. See you over there.
Jenny Rocker: Bye, Mary!
[ Ron and Jenny exit ]
Floyd Hunger: Uh, Mary, I think I’ll take about seventy-five cents worth of the, uh, almond cremes, and, uh —
Mary: Okay. And I’ll put in some raisin clusters, okay?
Floyd Hunger: Uhh — sure, sure.
Mary: And would you tell them that I sent them?
Floyd Hunger: Yeah, certainly. Uhh — you can put this on my bill, can’t ya’?
Mary: Well, Floyd… I hate to say anything, but you still do owe me $7.95 for a Valentine’s box of assorted creams. I mean —
[ Floyd holds his composure, as Kevin enters ]
Kevin: Hi, Mary! Hi, Mr. HUnger!
Mary: Hi, Kevin.
Floyd Hunger: Hi, Kevin.
Floyd Hunger: Uh, Kevin? Do you have seventy-five cents you can loan me until tomorrow?
Kevin: Yeah, I do, Mr. Hunger. [ he takes out an impressive wad of bills ] You got change for a twenty?
Mary: [ impressed ] Kevin, you do have a lot of money!
Kevin: Yeah, well, I’ve been helping Will Hardware move, you know?
Floyd Hunger: [ embarrassed ] Ah — I don’t think I have any small bills on me, Kev. Uh, how about if I just take this twenty? I’ll pay it back to you, tomorrow.
Floyd Hunger: [ he grabs the candies ] I’ll bring that change around tomorrow, then, Mary.
[ Floyd Hunger exits ]
Kevin: Uhhh — they said they really want you over at the party, Mary. So I volunteered to watch your store while you go over there for a while.
Mary: Oh, thanks, Kevin. But I don’t like to leave this store. You never can tell — a customer might come in.
Kevin: Well, I could come over and get you if somebody came in. That’s what I was thinking I’d do. [ he moves a box of candy around the counter ]
Mary: No, thanks, Kevin. I don’t think I should.
Kevin: Oh. Okay, then. Maybe I’ll take a box of chocolate-covered peanuts, aaaaaaand a box of vanilla caramels.
Mary: [ she places a box on the counter ] Oh, I bet that party is pretty, pretty sad.
Kevin: Nah! I just don’t want to stay, you know, because of the smell. You know, most of the people are standing in a doorway. You know, it’s not as bad there.
Mary: Oh, dear. That’ll be $8.70. They’re $4.35 a pound.
Kevin: [ looking among his bills ] Gee, all I’ve got is these twenties. It’s the smellest thing I’ve got.
Mary: [ grabbing his twenty ] Well, why don’t you drop by tomorrow, and I’ll give you your change?
Kevin: [ with some hesitation ] Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Mary: Okay. Bye, Kevin.
Kevin: Bye, Mary.
[ Kevin exits ]
[ the Puppy Land girls enter ]
Puppy Land Girl #1: Hi, Mary.
Puppy Land Girl #2: Hi, Mary!
Mary: Oh, hi!
Puppy Land Girl #2: We knew you couldn’t leave the candy store, so we came to say goodbye to you.
Mary: Aww, that’s so nice of you.
Puppy Land Girl #1: Listen, thanks so much for the box of candies.
Mary: Oh, that’s okay!
Puppy Land Girl #1: Listen, uh — you don’t mind if we keep a few dogs in here for a while, while we’re cleaning things out over there?
Mary: Ohhhh, no. No, I don’t mind.
Puppy Land Girl #1: Oh, good. I’ll start bringing them in. [ she hands a puppy over the counter ]
Puppy Land Girl #2: Aren’t they cute? They’re only eight weeks old.
Mary: Well! Now, you see, isn’t that something how rumors get started? They were saying that you did’nt have a puppy over there under six months old.
Puppy Land Girl #2: [ she sighs ] Well, actually, that was true. It’s kind of embarrassing, but a couple of our puppies had puppies! [ she chuckles lightly ]
[ Puppy Land Girl #1 returns with a larger dog in her arms. Kevin is right behind her, with two more dogs. ]
Puppy Land Girl #2: Oh, here they come, here they come! I — I think I’d better give them a hand. They might need help with some of the bigger ones.
Puppy Land Girl #1: [ to the dogs ] Stay! Stay!
Puppy Land Girl #2: Okay, guys.
Puppy Land Girl #1: Stay!
Mary: Stay. Stay.
[ the dogs begin to run around the candy store ]
[ dissolve to interior of the mini-mall, pulling back on the candy store facade ]
[ fade ]
Daughter: Okay, I won’t worry. [ she pats a small dog sitting with them on the loveseat ] How’s, uh, little Bootsie here?
Mrs. Arthur: Worried.
Daughter: Mom, are you ready to go to dinner? [ she stands ]
Mrs. Arthur: Well, I thought — I thought we could have an appetizer here first!
Daughter: Mom, Mom — we’ll eat at the restaurant.
Mrs. Arthur: Oh, but I made your favorite! Brisket and a roast potato!
Daughter: Mom… Mom, I made a reservation at your favorite restaurant — Madrigal — It’s your birthday. I’m taking you there so you’ll be happy!
Mrs. Arthur: But, honey — oh, baby — I HATE to see you spend your money on me. Why don’t you save up and… buy yourself a coat?
Daughter: Mom, I have a coat. I have LOTS of coats.
Mrs. Arthur: Well — you — you — you could have MY coat! [ she grabs her fur off the loveseat and hands it over ]
Daughter: Mom, I don’t want to take your coat. I don’t want it, alright?
Mrs. Arthur: I’m sorry…
Daughter: Mom, could you stop apologizing?
Mrs. Arthur: I’m sorry…
Daughter: Mother! You are just — you are just trying to make me feel GUILTY!
[ they sit ]
Mrs. Arthur: Don’t DO anything that makes you feel guilty, and you won’t feel guilty.
Daughter: Mother, could you just go and put the brisket back in the fridge, and we’re going out to dinner, okay? It’s your birthday.
Mrs. Arthur: [ she throws up her arms ] Whatever you want…
[ Mrs. Arthur gets up and exits into the other room ]
[ she stands up on the loveseat and begins to jump on the cushions like a little girl ]
[ after a moment, she climbs down, crosses the room and dials the phone ]
Daughter: Uh, yeah — is this the doorman? Uh — I was wondering, uh — could you, uh — send a cab for Mrs. Arthur’s apartment, 18-K? Yeah. And you’ll phone us when it’s there? Okay, thank you.
[ she hangs up and returns to sit on the loveseat, as her mother returns from the other oom carrying the brisket ]
Mrs. Arthur: Oh, here, baby — take the brisket!
Daughter: Mom, I don’t — I don’t want it!
Mrs. Arthur: Well, honey, I don’t like brisket. I never eat it, so take it, I can’t —
Daughter: I don’t — Mother! I don’t want to walk into a restaurant carrying a brisket!
Mrs. Arthur: You can CHECK the brisket!
Daughter: I DON’T want to check the brisket!
Mrs. Arthur: Why?! Is there a law saying you can’t check a brisket while I — I don’t see the President passing new legislation about checking brisket!
Daughter: [ through clenched teeth ] I am NOT… taking… the brisket… to… the restaurant!
Mrs. Arthur: [ insisting ] Take the brisket.
Daughter: [ taking the brisket ] Help, God. Get me out of this discussion.
Mrs. Arthur: It was a $12 brisket.
Daughter: Okay, Mom, okay. Alright. [ she opens her purse ] $12… $12. Here, Mom — take the $12! [ she hands the money over ]
Mrs. Arthur: Mrs. Kelman’s daughter checked a veal roast at Trader Vic’s!
Daughter: [ putting the money away ] Mrs. Kelman’s daughter calls her every day… Mrs. Kelman’s daughter took Mrs. Kelman to Nassau… Mrs. Kelman’s daughter has three wonderful grandchildren… and Mrs. Kelman’s daughter does it with your dentist in the SAME chair where you get your teeth cleaned!
Mrs. Arthur: I DON’T want to hear this!
[ silence, as they struggle for something to say to one another ]
Daughter: That’s, uh — that’s a nice tea set. Is it new?
Mrs. Arthur: [ pleased to talk about it ] It’s Japanese! [ she picks it up ] Here. Take it!
Daughter: [ exasperated ] Mom, would you quit trying to give me stuff? It’s your birthday. Can’t I give you something?
Mrs. Arthur: All I want is your respect.
Daughter: Oh. I’d rather give you a gift.
Mrs. Arthur: What?
Daughter: [ she opens her purse and pulls out some cigarettes ] Nothing. Do you have an ashtray?
Mrs. Arthur: What for?
Daughter: I want to throw up in it.
Mrs. Arthur: I thought you QUIT smoking?
Daughter: [ as she lights up ] Mrs. Kelman’s daughter quit smoking. The adulteress!
Mrs. Arthur: Is, uh… that what you’re wearing?
Daughter: No. This is what Carmen Miranda is wearing. She’s wearing what I’m wearing. Our outfits got mixed up on the way over here.
Mrs. Arthur: Are you sure you’ll be warm enough to eat?
Daughter: No, Mother. Actually, I’m not sure whether I have any clothes at all! You know, I’m 32 years old, and I don’t know how to dress myself! I mean, I don’t even know how gto cook an egg. I think you just break it out onto a plate, and it comes out scrambled. And, you know, Mom? I tap dance in the bath tub. And I’m always putting my finger into electric sockets. And, uh — this is something you don’t know, Mom — uh — I shave my armpits with a carving knife. And I forget to put my pants back on every time I go to the bathroom! And I LOVE picking my nose SO much, that the underneath of YOUR couch is caked with SNOT!! [ she puffs on her cigarette ]
Mrs. Arthur: [ she picks up her dog ] Maybe Bootsie would like some brisket?
[ the telephone rings; Daughter picks up ]
Daughter: Oh. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Thanks very much. Alright, we’ll be right down. [ she hangs up ] Mom, the cab’s here.
Mrs. Arthur: Here. [ she holds up her fur coat ]
Daughter: [ helping her into the coat ] Mom, don’t you think you’re gonna be hot in this coat? It’s so heavy. [ a beat ] Wait. Wait a minute. [ she laughs ] You have lipstick all over your teeth.
Mrs. Arthur: [ pointing in her mouth ] Here?
Daughter: No. Wait on, I’ll get it. Come here. [ she wipes off the lipstick with a Kleenex ] There you go.
Mrs. Arthur: How do I look?
Daughter: [ tenderly ] You look beautiful. Come on, let’s go.
[ Daughter exits the apartment, as Mrs. Arthur turns around to take the brisket with her before exiting ]
[ zoom out, with SUPER: “coming up next… Sesame Streetwalker” ]
[ fade ]
Telepsychic Ray … Dan Aykroyd Caller #1 … Laraine Newman Caller #2 … John Belushi Caller #3 … Bill Murray Caller #4 … Jane Curtin Caller #5 … Garrett Morris
[Ray, a blonde-haired, cigarette-smoking, oddlyaccented man — wearing a brown plaid jacket,ultra-wide shirt collar, and pink sunglasses — sitshunched in front of a pale brick wall beneath a signthat reads TELEPSYCHIC. A bank of telephones lies infront of him as he addresses the camera.]
Telepsychic Ray: Hi, welcome to Cable TV Channel D.This is Telepsychic. My name is Ray. I’ll be takingyour calls today. Here’s the numbers: 555-1231, 2, 3,and 4, and 5. Ask me about anything, about life,money, love — I’ll predict for ya, okay? [answersphone] Hello, Telepsychic.
Caller #1: Ah, yeah. I was, uh, wondering, uh, how oldam I gonna live to?
Telepsychic Ray: Um, I feel, uh, seventy-four. Okay?
The Nixons Watch “Blind Ambition”Summary: After watching the TV movie “Blind Ambition”, former president Richard Nixon (Dan Aykroyd) attempts to convince his family that the Watergate tapes were actually gag reels performed by him and his staff for amusement puposes only.
Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon, John Dean, Pat Nixon, Julie Eisenhower, David Eisenhower.
[ open on animated “The Franken & Davis Show” title card ]
Announcer: It’s time for “The Franken & Davis Show”, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now, here’s Al and Tom!
[ dissolve to Hmoe Base stage, as Al and Tom step forward. Tom appears as himself, while Al appears dressed in traditional Hare Krishna garb ]
Tom Davis: Thank you! Thank you! Welcome to the show. This is the, uh — this is the first “Franken & Davis Show” that we’ve done in several months because, uh, my partner, Al, has been going through some changes.
Al Franken: That’s right, Tom. You see, up until now, I have spent most of my adult life in the decadent world of show business. and, believe me, I’ve done it all: the drugs, the promiscuity, uh, the eating meat, uh — did I mention drugs? And none of this brought me happiness. [ Tom begins to fidget ] And I’m proud now to say that… I have found… inner peace through the teachings of Krishna. And Krishna consciousness has actually… helped… my comedy. And… I think I can say now that I have… a perfect knowledge… of what is funny.
Tom Davis: But, uh — but we are still the same old team of Franken & Davis, and —
Al Franken: Uh, Tom… Tom… Actually, from now on, we’re the comedy team of Ahjnudpippibod and Davis.
Tom Davis: Okay. Well, let’s, uh — let’s just jump into it!
Al Franken: Okay. [ to the audience ] I know all of you love it… when comedians do jokes on TV about the differences between Los Angeles and New York. Uh, but blieve me, the differences are even greater… between New York and Bombay!
Tom Davis: You know, that’s the nutty thing about the Big Apple. Here, we have crazy taxi drivers who step into the street and you take your life in your hands.
Al Franken: But, in Bombay… you cross the street… and you get hit… by a cow! [ he smiles ] It’s crazy!
Tom Davis: I was — I was right. These do not work. These jokes are not working.
Al Franken: They loved that joke, Tom. These people loved that.
Tom Davis: Would you listen? They’re supposed to be laughing, not meditating! This Krishna thing is interfering with our act!
Al Franken: Tom —
Tom Davis: Your appearance is distracting!
Al Franken: Tom… Tom… don’t be ridiculous. These people don’t care what I look like. This is simply my external appearance. Uh, what they care about is the humor… that comes through. Let’s just continue with the routine. Let’s do the baseball routine, I’m sure they’ll love it.
Tom Davis: Alright. [ he reaches down to grab a microphone ] Ladies and gentlemen, it’s basball season again, and we’d like to take you to a very special interview at Yankee Stadium.
[ Al grabs a baseball mitt and inserts chew in his mouth ]
Tom Davis: This is Bonnie Johnson, reporting from Yankee Stadium, and I’m talking here with Peppy Starr, utility outfielder for the Yankees, who we understand is about to be sent back down to the Minors. No — Franken, this is not working! Not for an INSTANT do I believe you’re a baseball player! Forget it! Forget it!
Al Franken: Tom, I think you’re hung up on the material. Uh — my body is temperal.
Tom Davis: Yeah.
Al Franken: My life spirit will live on long after my body has died. That’s why I shaved my head, remember, to renounce the material.
Tom Davis: Right…
Al Franken: Also, by the way, it’s a good for head lice… and I’d recommend that everyone do it. But, Tom, these people don’t care about the way I look. They… they all love me because… they feel my spiritual life force come through the comedy. Isn’t that right, everybody? Don’t you all love me?
[ light applause, as some women yell: “Nooo! Nooo!” ]
Tom Davis: LISTEN to that!! You see what I mean? They — they think you’re ridiculous! They don’t want to hear about this!! They —
Al Franken: Well, Tom… all these people, except for one, or two, people here are obviously… hung up and stuck… on a material plane.
Tom Davis: Alright… [ he wanders off stage ]
Al Franken: And I know all of you are miserable, uh, because of that. And I want you to… try to get in touch with your spiritual self, so you can feel some joy instead of that misery… that you all feel. Now, I want you to chant these words. I’ll say them, and then, after I’m done, please repeat with me: “Hare Krishna… Hare Krishna… Krishna Krishna… Hare Hare! Hare Rama… Hare Rama… Rama Rama… Krishna Krishna!” Okay? Everybody! “Hare Kri –” Come on, everybody!
[ Tom leans in, pulls Al’s ponytail back and snips it off with a pair of scissors ]
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
Al Franken: [ meekly ] Why’d you do that?
Tom Davis: I thought it was —
Al Franken: [ with much fury ] WHY’D YOU DO THAT FOR?!!
Tom Davis: Well, it was funny! A spontaneous little — I mean, I picked it up —
Al Franken: Now I’m gonna look like a BUDDHIST!! I mean, Buddhists are BALD!! I’m gonna be walking down the street, people are gonna be pointing at me, they’re gonna make fun of me!! They’re gonna say, “There goes a BUDDHIST!!”
Tom Davis: Well, hey, people don’t —
Al Franken: I HATE BUDDHISTS!!
Tom Davis: People don’t care what you are —
Al Franken: Oh, yeah?!!
[ Al and Tom break out the fisticuffs and begin pummeling one another ]
[ dissolve to title card ]
Announcer: Al and Tom will be right back after this message.
[ cut to product slide ]
Announcer: “The Franken & Davis Show” was brought to you by Godhead Incense, for the smell of nirvana right here on earth. Buy now from Godhead. And now, here’s Al and Tom!
[ dissolve back to Al and Tom smiling and waving at the camera ]
Buck Henry: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s always flattering to be asked to host “Saturday Night Live”, but, for me, it’s more that that. I think you’ll understand what I’m telling you. It’s a sense of.. a sense of vindication of what I represent. Now, we’re always being told that television is a “cultural desert”, because it reflects the vulgarity of the American public. Well, if that’s true.. what am I doing here? After all, I’m not your typical television personality. I don’t have an act, I don’t have a golf tournament named after me.. I represent dignity and intellectual achievement – qualities that aren’t supposed to generate.. big ratings. and, yet, here I am – cerebral as always – and the host of the most highly-rated late night show in television history. I think that says something good about you, the audience.
Of course, there are some.. [ a couple of audience members start to applaud themselves ] Yes! There are some television executives who don’t share this view. Who still think that television has to pander to people’s baser instincts. And, for them, I’ve arranged a little demonstration to prove my point. Uh, Davey? Could you get a shot of the special group, please?
[ reveal shot of audience members wearing electrode helmets covered in wires on their heads ]
Now.. ladies and gentlemen.. these twenty-five members of our audience have volunteered to take part in a special experiment. The devices which you see attached to their foreheads, developed by the Institute for Behaviorial Science at Indiana University, will measure their level of interest in tonight’s show. What’s more, this audience interest quotient – or, the I.Q. – will be registered directly on the screen, through the activation of an electronic video grid. In other words, the image on your screen tonight, will accurately reflect our special group’s interest in the show.
Are we ready to start? all right.
Well, you know.. I’ve given a great deal of thought to what television could be. The ultimate medium for the transmission of ideas. A living, vibrant storehouse of the products of our cultural and intellectual activity as a nation. [ screen slowly begins to shrink to its center, registering the group’s disinterest in what Buck has to say ] That’s something very exciting to me, and, I’m sure, to all of you as well. And the idea of a great electronic mirror, that’s held up to society to reflect our activity in politics, science and the arts. But what, I ask you, what has television become? I’ll tell you. It’s become a gawdy, painted tart! [ screen quickly enlarges, as the group pays attention to Buck’s exciting statements ] Riving in a wanton, tawdry display of cleavage, bare midriff and jiggling buttocks! [ screen jumps to full-size, audience wild with applause ] Always ready to plumb new depths of moral terpitude in order to please her clients! Is this what television has to be? I don’t think so.
The other night, uh.. I was re-reading Marcel Proust’s “The Remembrance of Things Past”. [ screen slowly begins to shrink to its center ] And I asked myself, “Why can’t television be viewed the way Proust viewed literature?” As a means of recovering from our unconcious memory of the texture of life, the day-to-day reality that we don’t see on commercial networks. It’s not because they can’t be done, or because the American public doesn’t want it. It’s because a tiny group of network brass has refused to accept the fact that we’re as interested in, say.. Susan Sontag and her intellectual achievements as.. Suzanne Somers, and her physical endowments. [ screen jumps back to full capacity ] They won’t believe that we’d rather read Betrand Russell’s “Why I Am Not A Christian”.. [ screen shrinks again ] ..than Jane Russell doing “Why I’d Rather Wear A Full-Figured Bra”. [ screen jumps back to full size ] THe old thinking. The thinking that has made this medium a cultural brothel! Where decadence and vulgarity flourish, won’t die easily! Sorry. Yes.
Fortunately, however, there are others in public life that think the way we do. People with vision – interesting people like Cleveland Amory.. [ screen shrinks, shrinks, shrinks ] ..Marshall McLuhan, David Frost, Edwin Newman, Alistair Cooke, Jack Kilpatrick, and Shane Alexander, Andy Rooney.. oh, I could go on with this list for a long time, the point is that the movement is growing! And, with your continued support, it will continue!
Uh.. this has been interesting, I’m glad we had the chance to raise some of these questions here tonight. We’ll be right back after this commercial message!
[ screen has now shrunk to a tiny dot, until it is, at last, solid black ]
[ fade ]