SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/26/79: Olympia Cafe



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 20









78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Olympia Cafe

Pete Dionasopolis…..John Belushi
George…..Dan Aykroyd
Nico Kardopita…..Bill Murray
Female Customer…..Gilda Radner
Sandy…..Laraine Newman
1st Cop…..Garrett Morris
2nd Cop…..Buck Henry
Mrs. Larrimore…..Jane Curtin

[On the front window of the Olympia Restaurant are thewords: CLOSED – TAKE OUT ONLY. There is evidence of arecent fire: soot and smoke damage on the walls, thecash register, etc. Greek music plays quietly in thebackground throughout the sketch. The phone rings andthe blustering, mustachioed owner, Pete, answers:]

Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] Hello, OlympiaRestaurant. … [yells to George, the cook]Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger![throws a patty on the grill]

Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] No, no fries. Chip!… [yells to Nico, the counterman who doesn’t reallyunderstand English] Chip! Chip! Chip!

Nico: Chip! Chip! Chip!

Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] What to drink? … No,no Pepsi. Coke. We switch! … Okay. [yells to Nico]Coke! Coke! Coke!

Nico: Coke! Coke! Coke!

[Sandy the waitress, with no customers to wait on,sweeps the floor with a broom.]

Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] Uh, ten minutes, allright? All right. [hangs up]

Female Customer: [enters cautiously through the frontdoor – the “CLOSED” sign faces the street and thewords “TAKE OUT ONLY” are scrawled on the taped-upglass] Hi, Pete.

Pete Dionasopolis: [joins her by the door] Oh, we’reclosed today, honey. I’m sorry, we’re not open. Only”to go.”

Female Customer: Oh, I-I know. I just stopped by tosay I was sorry to hear about the fire.

Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah.

Female Customer: How did it start?

Pete Dionasopolis: [looks uncomfortable] Ahhhh …Sparks, I think, uh…

Female Customer: Yeah.

Pete Dionasopolis: [shrugs] I don’t know.

Female Customer: Well, uh, do you have any insurance?

Pete Dionasopolis: Oh, sure, I got insurance.

Female Customer: Oh, good.

Sandy: [pauses in her sweeping] Yes, it’s a good thingNico came home from the movies early, you know, thefireman, he say that, uh, if he come ten minuteslater, the whole place would have burned down.[continues sweeping as Pete and the customer move tothe counter]

Female Customer: Aww … Well, uh– [sees Nico’sbandaged arm] Oh! Is that how he burned his arm?

Pete Dionasopolis: No, he burned it while he– He was- he was hitting the alarm box, on the glass.

Nico: [mournfully] Yeah. [puts lids on some Cokes andbags them]

Female Customer: Well, um, when you fix the place up,ya gonna do anything different?

Pete Dionasopolis: [points] Sure, we gonna have a bigsalad bar over there, then we’re gonna knock down thewall for more tables.

Female Customer: Oh.

Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah, it’s gonna be real nice. Whatto go?

Female Customer: Oh, uh, I’ll just have the usual.

Pete Dionasopolis: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger!

Pete Dionasopolis: [yells to Nico] Coke! Chip!

Nico: Coke! Chip!

Pete Dionasopolis: All right.

[Two police officers enter, Pete joins them at thedoor]

1st Cop: Well … we knew that a little thing like afire would not keep you guys closed.

2nd Cop: I think we’ll have two large Cokes to go.

1st Cop: Yeah, and some chips.

Pete Dionasopolis: Coke! Coke! Chip! Chip!

Nico: Coke! Coke! Chip! Chip!

2nd Cop: Yeah, it doesn’t smell much different inhere.

Female Customer: No. Smells like burnt rubber, doesn’tit?

2nd Cop: Yeah, it might even smell a little betterthan usual.

[Nico brings the cops their order and they head outthe door]

2nd Cop: See ya.

Pete Dionasopolis: [with a dismissive wave] Yeah,yeah, yeah.

Female Customer: Hey, uh, Pete, you forgot to taketheir money.

Pete Dionasopolis: Policemen don’t pay!

Female Customer: Why not?

Pete Dionasopolis: It’s bad luck!

Female Customer: What is it, some kind of Greeksuperstition?

Pete Dionasopolis: It’s an old superstition. If youdon’t give a policeman free food, they won’t come whenthey need you– when you need them.

Female Customer: Oh ho!

George: [hands customer her order] Cheeseburger.

Female Customer: By the way, could I have some ketchupwith this?

George: Sure. [gingerly picks up a charred plasticketchup bottle by the thumb and forefinger and handsit to her]

Female Customer: Well, that’s all right. [drops itwith disgust on counter]

Pete Dionasopolis: [rings cash register] All right,uh, two twenty-eight, honey.

Female Customer: All right.

[Mrs. Larrimore, a woman in a trenchcoat enters.]

Mrs. Larrimore: Uh, Mr. Dionasopolis?

Pete Dionasopolis: [joins her at door] Maybe yes,maybe no.

Mrs. Larrimore: I’m Mrs. Larrimore. I’m the adjusterfrom Universal Insurance Company.

Pete Dionasopolis: Ah! Please come in! [guides her toa stool at the counter] I – I am Pete Dionasopolis.You know, I’m sorry, but maybe I thought you were fromthe Health Board, you know?

Female Customer: Well, bye everybody! And, Pete, I’mlooking forward to seeing the new salad bar. [exits]

Pete Dionasopolis: [uncomfortable at mention of saladbar in the presence of the insurance adjuster who isbusy pulling out a folder with paperwork] Oh, heh hehheh. [to Mrs. Larrimore] Ah! You want something todrink? Coke?

Nico: [thinks an order has been made] Coke! [Petegives him a look, Nico fixes a Coke]

Mrs. Larrimore: No, thank you.

Pete Dionasopolis: All right. Look what happened to mybeautiful restaurant! Everything is gone!

Nico: [puts a Coke on counter for Mrs. Larrimore]Coke. [But nobody is paying attention]

Mrs. Larrimore: Is this the first time you’ve ever hada fire in your restaurant?

Pete Dionasopolis: No, uh, ’bout five years ago, I hadone when I was with another insurance company.

Mrs. Larrimore: And what was the cause of that fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: [We get the sense throughout hisexchange with Mrs. Larrimore that Pete is not exactlybeing honest with her] Unknown, uh … They think itwas maybe sparks.

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, I see. Now, would it be possiblefor you in the next few days to make a general list ofitems that were destroyed or damaged in the fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: Sure! [has the list ready, reachesfor it on counter] Yes. Here it is. [hands list toMrs. Larrimore]

Mrs. Larrimore: [impressed] Oh! You’ve already doneit.

Pete Dionasopolis: Ah, yes.

Mrs. Larrimore: [scans the list] Ahhh!

Pete Dionasopolis: Everything! All my plates, all mydishes, everything is ruined — everything!

Mrs. Larrimore: [reads the list] Five hundred dollarsworth of paper napkins destroyed in the fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: It was a two year supply, you know,we lost them all. Oh ho, gee, boy.

Mrs. Larrimore: Two hundred dollars for picture ofSpiro Agnew?

Pete Dionasopolis: It was autographed!

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, okay. Uh … I don’t see anypersonal items here. Did you lose anything like, uh,oh, umbrellas or golf clubs or anything like that?

Pete Dionasopolis: Yes!

Mrs. Larrimore: What?

Pete Dionasopolis: Uh … golf clubs.

Mrs. Larrimore: Golf clubs?

Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah.

Mrs. Larrimore: And, uh, what would you estimate thevalue of the golf clubs?

Pete Dionasopolis: Uhhhh, it’s hard to say, uh …

Mrs. Larrimore: Two hundred?

Pete Dionasopolis: Four.

Mrs. Larrimore: Four hundred dollars? They must havebeen very good clubs.

Pete Dionasopolis: Ah, yes.

Mrs. Larrimore: Did any of your, uh, your employeeslose any personal belongings?

Pete Dionasopolis: Yes! Everybody! Everybody![gestures for the other employees to gather around,they join him]

Mrs. Larrimore: Everybody lost something in the fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: Mm, yes.

Mrs. Larrimore: What?

Pete Dionasopolis: Golf clubs.

Mrs. Larrimore: You all lost golf clubs in the fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: [nudges a reluctant Sandy to playalong, nods to Nico and George who nod backuncomprehendingly] Yes! Yes. Everybody. You see, weall golf together, you know, that’s why we have tokeep them here.

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, what a shame.

Pete Dionasopolis: Yes, well …

Mrs. Larrimore: Well, I’m going to have to have thenames and addresses of all your employees. [to Nico]Uh, why don’t you start? Your, uh, last name first.

Pete Dionasopolis: His name is Kardopita. Nico. [Sandyand George move off as Nico stands grinning andnodding] Uh, here, I’ll write it for you. [takes penfrom Mrs. Larrimore and writes name in her folder]

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, good. And his address.

Pete Dionasopolis: Oh, he lives here. He lives in theback. He sleeps in the back.

Mrs. Larrimore: [points to floor] He lives HERE?

Pete Dionasopolis: [gestures] Not HERE, he livesTHERE, by the sink.

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh … [laughs, closes folder, puts itaway, shakes her head] I’m very sorry, Mr.Dionasopolis, but your policy clearly states that ifthe, uh, if the premises is used as a residence, thenyou have void your policy. I’m sorry.

Pete Dionasopolis: [gestures to Nico] Okay, forgetabout his golf clubs! [gestures to Sandy] Sandy, yougo next! Come on!

Mrs. Larrimore: [rises] Ah, no, no, no, no. You don’tseem – you don’t seem to understand, Mr. Dionasopolis.By permitting your business establishment to be usedas a residence, you have violated your rights forcoverage. I’m afraid I won’t be able to help you,after all. [hands Pete a business card] If you haveany further questions, you can speak to an arbitrator.His number is on this card. I’m very sorry.

[Mrs. Larrimore exits. Sandy, broom in hand, watches afrustrated Pete as he sits on a counter stool andexhales deeply. He is still brooding as the two policeofficers return to scam more free food.]

2nd Cop: Well, we’re still hungry, so we thought we’ddrop in to say hello again.

1st Cop: [to 2nd Cop] Yeah, how many are you gonnahave, huh, Norm?

2nd Cop: I think I’ll have two.

1st Cop: Yeah, I think I’ll have, uh, two, too.

[Pete stares at them for a moment, then turns away.Realizing Pete is too upset to deal with the cops,Sandy yells out to George:]

Sandy: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!

George: [throws patties on grill] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

2nd Cop: And, uh, give us some chips.

1st Cop: Yeah, an’ a couple o’ Cokes.

Sandy: [yells to Nico] Chip! Chip! Coke! Coke!

Nico: Chip! Chip! Coke! Coke!

George: Pete, no insurance money, what – what we gonnado now?

Pete Dionasopolis: What else? We’re Greeks. We …DANCE!

[The Greek music grows louder as Pete rises, liftsarms in the air, throws business card away, and startsdancing as the others watch in amazement]

Pete Dionasopolis: DANCE! EVERYBODY DANCE!

[Everyone, including the cops, raises their arms and,holding hands above their heads, the group dances in aline around the set. Dissolve to wider view of setshowing cameras, lights, applauding audience, etc.SUPER: coming up next… Land Of The GiantTransistors. Fade.]

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SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/26/79: Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 20




78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park

Ray…..Bill Murray

[ Ray enters on scene on rollerskates and carrying a fishing pole ]

Ray: Saaay! Do you like disco music? Do you like to roller skate? do you like to fish? You do?! Well, then you’ll want to bring the whole family out to Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park! A most exciting concept in weekend recreational entertainment amusement parks! Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park is just a short drive away, so you’ll save on gas! And once you get there, hold on to your hat ’cause here comes the fun!

[ dissolve to a group of adults and a small child on roller skates with their legs in the air, dancing ]

The disco music makes you want to get up and move! And on roller skates, it’s great exercise!

[ cut to group of adults and small child standing on a pier fishing while wearing roller skates ]

And when you fish at the same time, it’s so relaxing your cares just roll away in rhythm!

[ close-up of one hand holding roller skates, the other hand holding a fish ]

We rent you the skates and fishing poles; you just pack up the kids, and put a sign on the door that says: “Gone disco roller fishing!”

[ cut to large body of water on the Ray’s property ]

Where? At Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park! You’re sure to catch something, and you can eat it later!

[ cut to an interracial couple on roller skates, holding up the fish they caught ]

Every Saturday we have our roller dance fishing contest, with a fifty-dollar prize for the best roller skating couple who catches the biggest fish!

[ dissolve back to Ray ]

Hey, if you like Barry White and whitefish, disco groups and groupers, or a disco bass with bass, come on out! Once you get it, you’re gonna be hooked! [ chuckles ] But, sometimes, the music scares the fish!

[ Ray slips on his roller skates, falling to the pavement ]

Whoa-oa! And sometimes, you fall down!

[ something tugs on Ray’s fishing pole ]

Whoa-oa! Whoa, I think I’ve got a big one! I’d better get up!

[ Ray stands as he reels the fish in ]

Whoops! I mean, get down!

[ dissolve to title card with address:
“Garden State Parkway
Exit 19
Long Branch, New Jersey” ]

Announcer: Why don’t you get down to Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park, jsut south of New York at the New Jersey coast. All major credit cards accepted.

SNL Transcripts