SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/26/79: Uncle Roy



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 20









78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Uncle Roy

Betty…..Jane Curtin
Uncle Roy….Buck Henry
Terri…..Laraine Newman
Tracy…..Gilda Radner
Arthur…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on interior living room, as Betty answers the door to the notorious Uncle Roy ]

Betty: Oh, Roy! Come on in! It’s good to see you! Oh, the girls are so excited that you’re babysitting for them tonight!

Uncle Roy: Hi, Betty. I hope I’m not too early.

Betty: Oh, no.. we were just getting ready to get going.

[ Terri and Tracey suddenly come running and screaming down the stairs to greet their Uncle Roy, who is just as excited to see them in return ]

Terri & Tracy: Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Uncle Roy: Hello, my little darlings! Hello, my little darlings!

Betty: Well, they’re pretty excited to see you, no doubt about it! Roy, you are their favorite babysitter.

Tracy: Oh, Uncle Roy! Can we play Slide Down The Banister with Mary Poppins, and you push us down with the umbrella?

Betty: Oh, now stop being silly, Tracy! I don’t know where they get these ideas, Roy!

Uncle Roy: Now, girls, why don’t you go upstairs, and get into your little beds, and Uncle Roy will be up soon to “tuck” you in and tell you a bedtime story.

Terri: Oh! Will you tell us the story about Eddie the Eel and Debbie the Donut!

Uncle Roy: Uhhh.. I, uh.. not if you say another word, I won’t, no.

[ Terri and Tracey quickly run upstairs to get ready ]

Betty: I don’t know what your secret is!

Uncle Roy: I guess I just love children!

[ Arthur enters, dressed rather sleazy in a tan leather jacket and open dress shirt ]

Arthur: Hi there, Roy. How’s the pharmacy business treating you?

Uncle Roy: Oh, I can’t complain!

Arthur: I hope you’re not going to give me any argument over being paid tonight, now?

Uncle Roy: No, no! I wouldn’t dream of taking money for it!

Arthur: I don’t understand you, Roy! [ chuckles ] If I were still a bachelor, you’d never catch me watching a pair of brats for free.

Betty: Roy, you’re too good!

Uncle Roy: Really, it’s my pleasure! So, anyway.. what movie are you two off to tonight?

Betty: “Hair”.

Arthur: Yeah. For the second time.

Betty: You know, Roy, it really was an immoral war.

Arthur: I’ll go warm up the wagon. [ exits the house ]

Betty: Now, there’s fresh Mr. Coffee, and there’s Sara Lee in the fridge. We should be back about eleven. Okay?

Uncle Roy: Okay.

Betty: And don’t let those little monsters take advantage of you.

Uncle Roy: Oh, really.. it’s my pleasure! Have fun yourselves!

Betty: Okay!

[ Betty exits the house, as Uncle Roy carefully removes a Polaroid camera hidden inside his jacket and creeps steathily up the stairs ] [ cut to Terri and Tracy sitting on their bed, reminiscing about nights past with Uncle Roy ]

Terri: You think Uncle Roy will let us play Invisible Leg Doctor?

Tracy: Oh, maybe. Remember when Uncle Roy played Pirate, and he was the island, and we had to search him for the buried treasure?

Terri: Yeah!

Tracy: That was fun!

Terri: And then we found candies all over him!

Tracy: Oh, that was fun, too!

[ Uncle Roy enters the bedroom, with his Polaroid camera secured around his neck ]

Terri: Oh, boy!

Uncle Roy: Yo ho ho, and a bottle of rum!

Tracy: Oh! I’m Long John Silver! I’m gonna search him for the buried treasure!

[ Tracy and Terri frantically feel all around Uncle Roy’s pockets, in a mad search for candy ]

Uncle Roy: [ ecstatically ] Search me! Search me! Search me! Look everywhere! Keep looking!

Terri: [ squealing happily ] I found an Almond Joy!

Uncle Roy: Keep looking, me hardies! you haven’t found the Mounds yet!

[ the girls continue to feel up Uncle Roy’s pockets ]

Tracy: Here it is! Here it is! I found it! I found it!

Uncle Roy: Okay, okay! now, who wants to play “Simon Says”?

Terri & Tracy: Me!! Me!! Me!! Me!!

Uncle Roy: Okay. Now.. Simon Says.. “Touch your nose.”

[ the girls touch their noses ]

Uncle Roy: Simon Says.. “Touch your toes.”

[ the girls touch their toes ]

Uncle Roy: Simon Says.. “Touch the hem of your nighties.”

[ the girls touch the hem of their nighties ]

Uncle Roy: Simon Says.. “Grab onto the hem, and raise your arms!”

[ the girls grab the hems of their nighties and raise their arms, though not very high ]

Uncle Roy: Higher! Higher!

Tracy: You forgot to say “Simon Says!”

Uncle Roy: Oh! Simon says, “Higher! Higher!”

[ the girls raise their nighties high enough to please Uncle Roy, revealing their panties; Uncle Roy quickly snaps a few Polaroids and stuffs them into his pocket before the girls catch on ]

Terri: Hey, Uncle Roy, we can’t eat our candy bars with our nighties over our heads..

Uncle Roy: Okay, okay.. Simon Says, “Put your nighties slowly down.”

[ the girls lower their nighties slowly, catching Uncle Roy digging through their dirty laundry basket and holding a couple pairs of soiled panties ]

Tracy: Oh, we played Laundry Inspector last time! Can’t we play a new game?

Uncle Roy: Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! I’m sorry..

Terri: Hey! Look at me! I’m a rubber lady in the circus! Look! [ lays on her back, and bends her legs up in the air ]

Uncle Roy: Ohhh, I’m looking! [ snaps a quick Polaroid ]

Tracy: Uncle Roy, I’m a lion! [ growls ferociously ]

Terri: And I’m a tiger!

Uncle Roy: And I’m the lion tamer! [ slyly suggestive ] I sure hope these ferocious jungle cats don’t turn on me right this second and jump on top of me!

[ naturally, to Uncle Roy’s sheer delight, the girls begin to jump on top of him, crawling all over him and play-biting his legs ]

Uncle Roy: Ohh, the pain! Ohh, it hurts! Ohhh!

Terri: Uncle Roy. You promised to tell us a story..

Tracy: Yeah..

Uncle Roy: Oh, oh.. well, no story until you’re tucked in. So, climb into bed, so Uncle Roy can start tucking!

[ the girls quickly jump into their beds ]

Tracy: Oh, tuck me in first, Uncle Roy.

Uncle Roy: Okay. Now, just settle down for the night! [ tucks Tracy into bed by grabbing at her under her blanket ] It’s time for you both to get tucked in! [ tucks Terri into bed by grabbing at her under her blanket ]

Terri: [ laughing ] That tickles!

Tracy: Come on, we want our story!

Terri: Yeah!

Uncle Roy: Well.. did I ever tell you the story of the.. wicked Tickle Maniac?

Terri: [ giggling ] No!

Tracy: Tell us!

Uncle Roy: “Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Ickle Pickle, there lived a wicked Tickle Maniac, who tickled so many little girls, that the judge sentenced him to Tickle jail. But he escaped, and went into a rampage throughout the kingdom, and there was only one thing little girls like you could do to stop him.”

Tracy: What’s that, Uncle Roy?

Uncle Roy: Get their little jump ropes, and tie him up! [ the girls don’t move ] Oh, no! I feel a.. tickle fit coming on!

Terri: Oh, no!

Tracy: We better get our jump ropes out!

[ the girls quickly jump out of bed and grab their jump ropes ]

Uncle Roy: Oh! I hope they’re gonna tie me up with their little jump ropes! Oh! Oh!

[ the girls raise Uncle Roy’s arms to the end of each of their bedposts, and tie him tightly to it ]

Uncle Roy: Oh! Next, they’ll be beating me, and hitting me with things!

[ the girls are satisfied with their efforts to tie Uncle Roy to the bedposts ]

Uncle Roy: “What Terri and Tracey didn’t realize was, that the wicked Tickle Maniac could still cry out for help, because they forgot to put their little socks in his mouth and secure them with their little pink ballet tights!”

Tracy: We can do that!

[ the girls quickly grab their socks and pink ballet tights, and stuff them in and around Uncle Roy’s mouth ]

Terri: Here!

Tracy: There you go! Wow, at last, the kingdom is saved!

Terri: Yeah! Now, we can fall asleep in peace!

Tracy: Yeah!

[ the lights go out ]

Tracy: Good night, Terri!

Terri: Good night, Tracey!

Together: Good night, Uncle Roy!

Uncle Roy: [ says “Good night”, but it comes out muffled ] [ dissolve to wide shot of the set, audience, etc. ] [ SUPER: “Coming up next: Disco Mafiosa” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/26/79: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 20









78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

… Jane Curtin
… Bill Murray
… Garrett Morris
Roseanne Roseannadanna … Gilda Radner

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, withthe Weekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersonsBill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: [behind her a clock, labeledCLOCK, reads 12:05 a.m.] Good evening. I’m JaneCurtin. Here now the news. Our top storytonight:

California senator S. I. Hayakawa slept soundlythrough a Senate SALT briefing this week. Senator AlanCranston said, quote, “His eyes were closed, his headwas nodding and others allege he was snoring.” Endquote. Hayakawa reportedly commented later, “I need mysleep. Poor people don’t need sleep – because they’renot working and they don’t get tired.” …

A Pennsylvania dairy farmer says that nineteen of hiscows have died from radiation poisoning since theThree Mile Island nuclear accident last month. Otherlocal residents report the continuing deaths ofhousehold pets such as dog, cats, birds – [photo ofchild looking at a tiny prostrate elephant] – and eventhe Harrisburg Zoo’s five-ton elephant Betsy … whowas reduced by radiation shrinkage to the size of aLabrador retriever. …

Bill?

Bill Murray: [who also sits in front of a clocklabeled CLOCK] This week, Congress approvedlegislation to have a special gold medal struck inhonor of John Wayne. The ailing Wayne said, “Shucks,all I did was ride a few horses, kiss a few women, andkill a few redskins and gooks.” … John Wayne,American. …

[Photo of Pierre Trudeau frowning but giving a “thumbsup” sign] Former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre ElliotTrudeau, shown here hitchhiking home to Montreal afterlast Tuesday’s elections, conceded the contest toconservative Joe Clark who had been referred to as”Joe Who?” Traditionalist Clark, taking over thegovernment this week, insisted that his title willofficially be “Prime Minister Who?” … And, infollowing the trend set by her predecessor, thenew Prime Minister’s wife immediately flew to New Yorkto celebrate at Studio 54 where she was seenarm-in-arm with none other than Tony Orlando himself.[doctored photo of a grinning Tony Orlando with hisarm around the prime minister’s wife] …

Last year, the Rolling Stones album “Some Girls” wasattacked by black leaders as being racist and it seemsthat time has not diminished the furor over it, as itwas recently the subject of a speech delivered by theReverend Jesse Jackson at an event celebrating the25th anniversary of the Supreme Court’s desegregationdecision. Here to comment is Update’s tokensociologist, Garrett Morris. …

[Polite applause for a bespectacled Garrett Morris wholooks dapper and dicty in a suit and tie.]

Garrett Morris: [dignified, dripping withsnooty condescension] Now, I’d like to speak about thesubject of a certain Mick Jagger – of theRolling Stones. … And I’m going to talk aboutthe song he sang — a song in which he sings thesevery words: “Black girls – just want to havesex – all night long.” …

Now, Mr. Jagger, there is only one question I want toask you — Jaggs. … And you better have theanswer, man, you better have the answer, since youhave besmirched the character of black women.Therefore, here is my question, Jaggs. [pause, takesoff eyeglasses, suddenly drops the pose, pleading]Where are all of these black broads, man? …[huge cheers and applause] Hey, like, where ARE they,baby? You got any phone numbers for me, baby? …Please send ’em to me. [puts glasses back on,dignified again] Thank you. … [enthusiasticapplause]

Jane Curtin: A familiar sight to TV viewers,the old NBC Peacock was redesigned and unveiled by NBCthis week. Aside from a little streamlining, the majorchange was in cutting off the peacock’s legs. …However, our inside sources tell us that the legsweren’t all that was removed – since the bird is nowknown as the NBC Capon. …

Bill?

Bill Murray: The movement to draft Ted Kennedyfor president has begun a full eighteen months beforethe 1980 election. Impatient Democrats have alreadystarted unauthorized “Draft Kennedy” movements in NewHampshire, Iowa, Ohio and Minnesota. Kennedy has saidprivately that he will never run for president whilehis mother, Rose Kennedy, is alive. Well, impatientDemocrats have already begun arrangements to send the89-year-old matriarch off to visit Jimmy Hoffasometime before the New Hampshire primary. …

Jane?

Jane Curtin: Because of the scarcity ofgasoline, the National Safety Council predicts thatthere will be fewer cars on the road this holidayweekend. Here to comment further on this situation iscorrespondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.

[Huge cheers and applause for the loud Latina womanwith the increasingly frizzy hair.]

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot! Thanks alot, Jane! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, NewJersey sent me this Memorial Day limerick thatsays:

Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,

This weekend is boring for me.
I gotta stay home in Fort Lee.
Having no gas, I declare,
Is a pain in the rear
‘Cause you can’t say “ass” on TV. …

Well, Mr. Feder … I didn’t know you AND NipseyRussell were livin’ in New Jersey. … But I knowexactly what you’re goin’ through ’cause this weekend,I — Roseanne Roseannadanna — was plannin’ on drivin’out to the beach. But now, I have to stay home in myapartment and sweat like a dog! … And you knowsomethin’? I love goin’ to the beach onMemorial Day — ’cause you get to see a lot of pinkand white and real pale people with stuff on ’emthat’s been growin’ under their clothes all winter!… Like, they got little pimples and bumps and rashesand clumps of tiny hairs on their backs and legs andyou don’t WHAT they are! …

But I remember last Memorial Day, I went out to JonesBeach. And I was havin’ a great time swimmin’ andlyin’ on my towel and soakin’ up the sunshine andlookin’ like a little doll … when who – whodo I see on the beach but Miss Weekend Updateherself, Jane Curtin! [cheers and applause as wepan to include an increasingly self-conscious Jane]That’s right! Little Jane! And she looks so cute inher black bathing suit with her bubbly, chubby littlethighs! … And those little thighs still had thelittle underwear marks from when she changed in thecar and everything. … So I yelled, “Hey! Jane! Whatare you doin’ at Jones Beach?!”

But Jane wasn’t listenin’ to me. And you know why?’Cause she musta had this big lump o’ wet sand in thebottom of her bathing suit that was like a bulge thatitches. … Well, Jane – Jane kept stickin’ her handin her pants tryin’ to get the sand out and thenflickin’ it away! … And she was – she was there onthe beach and she was jumpin’ up and down and around,and flickin’ sand out of her bathing suit. [Jane,deeply embarrassed, tries to remain calm by twisting apaper clip out of shape] And no matter what Jane did– when she was walkin’, when she was buyin’ ice creamor playin’ Frisbee or anything — she just keptflickin’ at her bathing suit bottom. She just wouldn’ttake her hands out of her pants! … I thought she hada fish in there or somethin’! … [applause]

So, anyways, I yelled, “Hey! Jane! Quit flickin’ atyourself! What are you tryin’ to do?! Make me sick?!”… Well, I couldn’t believe the way she–

Jane Curtin: Roseanne, shut up!

Roseanne Roseannadanna: [makes a face] …Well, what’s with you, Miss Jane?

Jane Curtin: Roseanne, people — all sorts ofpeople have little odd things that happen to them. Whydo you insist on coming on and straying from thesubject to talk about some disgusting innuendoes? Thisman asked you about the gas shortage.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it justgoes to show ya. It’s always somethin’! If it’s notone thing, it’s another! Either you don’t have gas oryou got a lump of wet sand in the bottom of yourbathing suit. … You know, it’s just like the littlesong that my father used to sing to me before I wentto bed at night. It’s a song about you, Jane!And it was recorded in 1956 by the RoseannadannaBrothers. … And it goes like this:

[snaps her fingers and sings screechily, to the tuneof the Everly Brothers’ hit song “All I’ve Got to Dois Dream”:]When I need you to be my friend
When I need favors I can depend
Whenever I want you
All I got to yell is “Ja-a-a-a-ane!”

[puts a friendly arm around Jane who smiles, wonover]

I sure think you’re fine
I say it all the time
I think that you’re a real peach!
The only trouble is
Gee whiz!
You make me sick on the beach! …
[Jane’s facefalls, applause]

I need you so, I wanna die!
You got some stuff there in your eye! …
Do you wanna Kleenex?
[grabs a tissue and offersit to a disgusted Jane]Here, you can use this Kleenex, Ja-a-a-a-ane![Jane pushes the tissue away]

Jane Curtin: Good night, my little RoseanneRoseannadanna. [Roseanne wipes Jane’s cheek with thetissue, Jane slaps her hand away] That’s the news.Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: [waves into camera]Good night!

[Huge cheers and applause, cut to a wide shot of thedesk and fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts