Category: 1978

(fade to Jill Clayburgh sitting at Home Base, as a sole piano plays in the background. The spoken parts are upright, the sung parts are in italics.)

 

Jill: When someone comes to your house and tells you this semi-funny story about the first time he ever French kissed,

And you nod real hard all through it to show there’s no little details that you missed,

And you say “that’s hysterical,” three thousand times and you laugh in all the funny places,

And at the serious parts you try to make these…real…serious…faces.

And when he says “you look like you want pizza,” even though you don’t you lie.

And you say

“sure, why not?” when he says “Hey,

You wanna get high?”

 

And when you reach over for the ashtray real casual, you let your breasts brush up against his thigh,
And you make this real cute funny thing out of picking ashes that he dropped off his fly.

And when he wants to watch Baretta and The Philadelphia Stories on channel nine,

You,

To be nice, say, “Baretta? Fine.

Not just fine, perfect!

I was also in a Baretta mood.

I love watching the bodies jerk after the bullets hit them.

That’s my favorite thing, next to food.”

 

And in the next few weeks you’re finding out how stupid his hair looks when he gets out of the shower,

And pretty soon you don’t even have to tell him to please order you a whiskey sour,

And you laugh when he talks like Donald Duck and at jokes that he’s told you before,

And when you’re in the bathroom you stop secretly fearing that he’s going through your underwear drawer.

And you pay all this attention to his big impassioned speech about how they’ve screwed up our air,

And when he’s done, you point to his mouth and say,

“Hey you’ve got something, it’s hanging right there.”

And another thing,

You’ve both confessed you both actually cried at Father Knows Best.

You’re so close, you remember where he left his left glove

And in bed, you find these clever things to say that don’t contain the word “love,”

Like, “because my arm’s asleep, that’s why.”

 

And pretty soon he’s telling you these stories about how lately he’s getting to know his folks,

And you’re telling him that it really truly upsets you that he smokes,

But still one night as you clean up the Chinese food and the Cokes,

It suddenly occurs to you that he doesn’t get ninety percent of your jokes,

And he didn’t call for three whole days when you had that cold,

And he didn’t disagree when you said, “I’m starting to look old,”

And he actually thinks it’s cool to say “ciao” instead of “goodbye,”

And he didn’t even thank you for that hilarious antique tie.

He’s cold, he’s insensitive, immature, the worst you could have found.

And you realize you love him.

Why? ‘Cause he’s around.

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 19

78s: Maureen Stapleton / Linda Ronstadt, Phoebe Snow

Mary’s Candies

Mary…..Maureen Stapleton
Jenny Rocker…..Gilda Radner
Floyd Hunger…..Dan Aykroyd
Ron…..Bill Murray
Kevin…..John Belushi
Puppy Land Girl 1…..Laraine Newman
Puppy Land Girl 2…..Jane Curtin

[ open on interior of mini-mall ]

[ zoom past the Scotch Boutique to its neighbor, Mary’s Candies ]

[ dissolve to interior, Mary standing alone behind the counter reading a magazine, no customers in sight ]

[ Jenny Rocker enters, carrying a small box ]

Jenny Rocker: Hi, Mary!

Mary: Hi,

Jenny Rocker: Aren’t you, uh, going over to the uh, Going Out of Business Sale for Puppy Land with Diane and Joann?

Mary: No. I don’t think I could go over there without crying. Just tell them goodbye for me, and that I wish them good luck in whatever they get themselves into next.

Jenny Rocker: How’s business?

Mary: Oh. Well, yesterday I sold about ten dollars’ worth, but today hasn’t been so good. How are things at the Scotch Boutique?

Jenny Rocker: [ elated ] Oh, the Scotch tape business is GREAT! And did you see the signs all over that say “Thomas Shoes: Going Out of Business”?

Mary: Yes. I did.

Jenny Rocker: [ proudly ] That was our tape they used to put them up.

Mary: [ she tsks ] With Thomas Shoes closing out, that’ll make it TEN stores that moved out of the mall so far this year.

Jenny Rocker: Yeah, I know.

Mary: Ugh.

[ Floyd Hunger enters ]

Floyd Hunger: Hi, Jenny. Mary.

Mary: Hi, Floyd.

Jenny Rocker: Hi, Floyd. Aren’t you going to the party for, uh, Puppy Land?

Floyd Hunger: Yeah, well, I was just on my way. I thought I’d drop by, get some candy, and bring it as a Going Away gift.

Mary: What? The mall is really going under, isn’t it?

Floyd Hunger: I think business will be picking up, as soon as this gas crisis gets worse. Remember: We’re two miles closer to town than the new mall. And nobody’s gonna want to waste all that gas to drive to a mall that’s two miles farther away. We’re closer.

Jenny Rocker: [ prosperously ] I never thought of that, Floyd!

Floyd Hunger: Sure.

Mary: Then, why is Puppy Land going out of business? I mean, why can’t you make them hold on until next month?

Floyd Hunger: Well, Mary, with puppies it’s different than with candy, or scotch tape, or men’s clothing. If I’ve got a man’s suit on the rack for six months, it’s no big deal. But if you keep puppies on inventory for six months… they turn into dogs. It’s as bad as the egg business.

Jenny Rocker: Yeah. I heard they don’t have one puppy in there… that is less than eight months old. As a matter of fact — [ she laughs ] the garbagemen joke that Puppy Land’s trash bags only contain Cycle 2 dog food! [ she laughs alone ] That’s like… a joke they made up. D-didn’t you ever see the commercial where they have different cans of dog food for different age dogs.

Mary: No. I never did.

Floyd Hunger: I must have missed that one.

Jenny Rocker: Well… one can is called Cycle 1, and it’s for puppies… and the other’s called Cycle 2, and it’s for dogs over six months old. And, uh, that’s what they meant when they said that there’s only — [ she laughs again ] Cycle 2 dog food in the… trash… because all of Puppy Land’s puppies are old — that, um — th-they don’t eat Cycle 1 any more.

[ more silence; Floyd nods politely ]

Floyd Hunger: I think, maybe, we’d better get over there.

[ suddenly, Ron enters ]

Ron: It’s Puppy Land party time!

Floyd Hunger: We were just on our way.

Jenny Rocker: Yeah. [ laughing ] Did you hear the joke that the garbagemen are making about the dog food in Puppy Land’s trash?

Ron: No.

Floyd Hunger: Why don’t you go on over there, and I’ll get some candy, and I’ll join you guys?

Jenny Rocker: Oh! What are you giving them?

Ron: [ he holds up a bottle ] Shampoo. They may be broke inside, but they’re gonna have CLEAN hair! [ he laughs ] I’ll see you over there, Floyd. See you over there.

Mary: Okay.

Jenny Rocker: Bye, Mary!

Mary: Bye.

[ Ron and Jenny exit ]

Floyd Hunger: Uh, Mary, I think I’ll take about seventy-five cents worth of the, uh, almond cremes, and, uh —

Mary: Okay. And I’ll put in some raisin clusters, okay?

Floyd Hunger: Uhh — sure, sure.

Mary: And would you tell them that I sent them?

Floyd Hunger: Yeah, certainly. Uhh — you can put this on my bill, can’t ya’?

Mary: Well, Floyd… I hate to say anything, but you still do owe me $7.95 for a Valentine’s box of assorted creams. I mean —

[ Floyd holds his composure, as Kevin enters ]

Kevin: Hi, Mary! Hi, Mr. HUnger!

Mary: Hi, Kevin.

Floyd Hunger: Hi, Kevin.

Kevin: Hi.

Floyd Hunger: Uh, Kevin? Do you have seventy-five cents you can loan me until tomorrow?

Kevin: Yeah, I do, Mr. Hunger. [ he takes out an impressive wad of bills ] You got change for a twenty?

Mary: [ impressed ] Kevin, you do have a lot of money!

Kevin: Yeah, well, I’ve been helping Will Hardware move, you know?

Floyd Hunger: [ embarrassed ] Ah — I don’t think I have any small bills on me, Kev. Uh, how about if I just take this twenty? I’ll pay it back to you, tomorrow.

Kevin: Okay.

Floyd Hunger: [ he grabs the candies ] I’ll bring that change around tomorrow, then, Mary.

[ Floyd Hunger exits ]

Kevin: Uhhh — they said they really want you over at the party, Mary. So I volunteered to watch your store while you go over there for a while.

Mary: Oh, thanks, Kevin. But I don’t like to leave this store. You never can tell — a customer might come in.

Kevin: Well, I could come over and get you if somebody came in. That’s what I was thinking I’d do. [ he moves a box of candy around the counter ]

Mary: No, thanks, Kevin. I don’t think I should.

Kevin: Oh. Okay, then. Maybe I’ll take a box of chocolate-covered peanuts, aaaaaaand a box of vanilla caramels.

Mary: [ she places a box on the counter ] Oh, I bet that party is pretty, pretty sad.

Kevin: Nah! I just don’t want to stay, you know, because of the smell. You know, most of the people are standing in a doorway. You know, it’s not as bad there.

Mary: Oh, dear. That’ll be $8.70. They’re $4.35 a pound.

Kevin: [ looking among his bills ] Gee, all I’ve got is these twenties. It’s the smellest thing I’ve got.

Mary: [ grabbing his twenty ] Well, why don’t you drop by tomorrow, and I’ll give you your change?

Kevin: [ with some hesitation ] Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Mary: Okay. Bye, Kevin.

Kevin: Bye, Mary.

[ Kevin exits ]

[ the Puppy Land girls enter ]

Puppy Land Girl #1: Hi, Mary.

Puppy Land Girl #2: Hi, Mary!

Mary: Oh, hi!

Puppy Land Girl #2: We knew you couldn’t leave the candy store, so we came to say goodbye to you.

Mary: Aww, that’s so nice of you.

Puppy Land Girl #1: Listen, thanks so much for the box of candies.

Mary: Oh, that’s okay!

Puppy Land Girl #1: Listen, uh — you don’t mind if we keep a few dogs in here for a while, while we’re cleaning things out over there?

Mary: Ohhhh, no. No, I don’t mind.

Puppy Land Girl #1: Oh, good. I’ll start bringing them in. [ she hands a puppy over the counter ]

Mary: Oh.

Puppy Land Girl #2: Aren’t they cute? They’re only eight weeks old.

Mary: Well! Now, you see, isn’t that something how rumors get started? They were saying that you did’nt have a puppy over there under six months old.

Puppy Land Girl #2: [ she sighs ] Well, actually, that was true. It’s kind of embarrassing, but a couple of our puppies had puppies! [ she chuckles lightly ]

Mary: Oh.

[ Puppy Land Girl #1 returns with a larger dog in her arms. Kevin is right behind her, with two more dogs. ]

Puppy Land Girl #2: Oh, here they come, here they come! I — I think I’d better give them a hand. They might need help with some of the bigger ones.

Mary: Oh.

Puppy Land Girl #1: [ to the dogs ] Stay! Stay!

Puppy Land Girl #2: Okay, guys.

Puppy Land Girl #1: Stay!

Mary: Stay. Stay.

[ the dogs begin to run around the candy store ]

[ dissolve to interior of the mini-mall, pulling back on the candy store facade ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 19

78s: Maureen Stapleton / Linda Ronstadt, Phoebe Snow

Mom’s Birthday

Mrs. Arthur…..Maureen Stapleton
Daughter…..Gilda Radner

[ open on interior, living room apartment, as the doorbell rings ]

[ slowly crosses the room to answer the door ]

Mrs. Arthur: Oh!

Daughter: [ enters ] Hi, Mom! Happy birthday!

[ they hug ]

Mrs. Arthur: My baby!

[ they maneuver around the room and finally sit upon the loveseat, as an awkward silence envelops them ]

Daughter: [ breaking the tension ] Well! Mom, how have you been?

Mrs. Arthur: [ she sighs, turns away ] Oh, I’m all right…

Daughter: Mom, what’s wrong?

Mrs. Arthur: Nothing! Nothing, I’m fine! Don’t worry!

Daughter: Okay, I won’t worry. [ she pats a small dog sitting with them on the loveseat ] How’s, uh, little Bootsie here?

Mrs. Arthur: Worried.

Daughter: Mom, are you ready to go to dinner? [ she stands ]

Mrs. Arthur: Well, I thought — I thought we could have an appetizer here first!

Daughter: Mom, Mom — we’ll eat at the restaurant.

Mrs. Arthur: Oh, but I made your favorite! Brisket and a roast potato!

Daughter: Mom… Mom, I made a reservation at your favorite restaurant — Madrigal — It’s your birthday. I’m taking you there so you’ll be happy!

Mrs. Arthur: But, honey — oh, baby — I HATE to see you spend your money on me. Why don’t you save up and… buy yourself a coat?

Daughter: Mom, I have a coat. I have LOTS of coats.

Mrs. Arthur: Well — you — you — you could have MY coat! [ she grabs her fur off the loveseat and hands it over ]

Daughter: Mom, I don’t want to take your coat. I don’t want it, alright?

Mrs. Arthur: I’m sorry…

Daughter: Mom, could you stop apologizing?

Mrs. Arthur: I’m sorry…

Daughter: Mother! You are just — you are just trying to make me feel GUILTY!

[ they sit ]

Mrs. Arthur: Don’t DO anything that makes you feel guilty, and you won’t feel guilty.

Daughter: Mother, could you just go and put the brisket back in the fridge, and we’re going out to dinner, okay? It’s your birthday.

Mrs. Arthur: [ she throws up her arms ] Whatever you want…

[ Mrs. Arthur gets up and exits into the other room ]

[ she stands up on the loveseat and begins to jump on the cushions like a little girl ]

[ after a moment, she climbs down, crosses the room and dials the phone ]

Daughter: Uh, yeah — is this the doorman? Uh — I was wondering, uh — could you, uh — send a cab for Mrs. Arthur’s apartment, 18-K? Yeah. And you’ll phone us when it’s there? Okay, thank you.

[ she hangs up and returns to sit on the loveseat, as her mother returns from the other oom carrying the brisket ]

Mrs. Arthur: Oh, here, baby — take the brisket!

Daughter: Mom, I don’t — I don’t want it!

Mrs. Arthur: Well, honey, I don’t like brisket. I never eat it, so take it, I can’t —

Daughter: I don’t — Mother! I don’t want to walk into a restaurant carrying a brisket!

Mrs. Arthur: You can CHECK the brisket!

Daughter: I DON’T want to check the brisket!

Mrs. Arthur: Why?! Is there a law saying you can’t check a brisket while I — I don’t see the President passing new legislation about checking brisket!

Daughter: [ through clenched teeth ] I am NOT… taking… the brisket… to… the restaurant!

Mrs. Arthur: [ insisting ] Take the brisket.

Daughter: [ taking the brisket ] Help, God. Get me out of this discussion.

Mrs. Arthur: It was a $12 brisket.

Daughter: Okay, Mom, okay. Alright. [ she opens her purse ] $12… $12. Here, Mom — take the $12! [ she hands the money over ]

Mrs. Arthur: Mrs. Kelman’s daughter checked a veal roast at Trader Vic’s!

Daughter: [ putting the money away ] Mrs. Kelman’s daughter calls her every day… Mrs. Kelman’s daughter took Mrs. Kelman to Nassau… Mrs. Kelman’s daughter has three wonderful grandchildren… and Mrs. Kelman’s daughter does it with your dentist in the SAME chair where you get your teeth cleaned!

Mrs. Arthur: I DON’T want to hear this!

[ silence, as they struggle for something to say to one another ]

Daughter: That’s, uh — that’s a nice tea set. Is it new?

Mrs. Arthur: [ pleased to talk about it ] It’s Japanese! [ she picks it up ] Here. Take it!

Daughter: [ exasperated ] Mom, would you quit trying to give me stuff? It’s your birthday. Can’t I give you something?

Mrs. Arthur: All I want is your respect.

Daughter: Oh. I’d rather give you a gift.

Mrs. Arthur: What?

Daughter: [ she opens her purse and pulls out some cigarettes ] Nothing. Do you have an ashtray?

Mrs. Arthur: What for?

Daughter: I want to throw up in it.

Mrs. Arthur: I thought you QUIT smoking?

Daughter: [ as she lights up ] Mrs. Kelman’s daughter quit smoking. The adulteress!

Mrs. Arthur: Is, uh… that what you’re wearing?

Daughter: No. This is what Carmen Miranda is wearing. She’s wearing what I’m wearing. Our outfits got mixed up on the way over here.

Mrs. Arthur: Are you sure you’ll be warm enough to eat?

Daughter: No, Mother. Actually, I’m not sure whether I have any clothes at all! You know, I’m 32 years old, and I don’t know how to dress myself! I mean, I don’t even know how gto cook an egg. I think you just break it out onto a plate, and it comes out scrambled. And, you know, Mom? I tap dance in the bath tub. And I’m always putting my finger into electric sockets. And, uh — this is something you don’t know, Mom — uh — I shave my armpits with a carving knife. And I forget to put my pants back on every time I go to the bathroom! And I LOVE picking my nose SO much, that the underneath of YOUR couch is caked with SNOT!! [ she puffs on her cigarette ]

Mrs. Arthur: [ she picks up her dog ] Maybe Bootsie would like some brisket?

[ the telephone rings; Daughter picks up ]

Daughter: Oh. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Thanks very much. Alright, we’ll be right down. [ she hangs up ] Mom, the cab’s here.

Mrs. Arthur: Here. [ she holds up her fur coat ]

Daughter: [ helping her into the coat ] Mom, don’t you think you’re gonna be hot in this coat? It’s so heavy. [ a beat ] Wait. Wait a minute. [ she laughs ] You have lipstick all over your teeth.

Mrs. Arthur: [ pointing in her mouth ] Here?

Daughter: No. Wait on, I’ll get it. Come here. [ she wipes off the lipstick with a Kleenex ] There you go.

Mrs. Arthur: How do I look?

Daughter: [ tenderly ] You look beautiful. Come on, let’s go.

[ Daughter exits the apartment, as Mrs. Arthur turns around to take the brisket with her before exiting ]

[ zoom out, with SUPER: “coming up next… Sesame Streetwalker” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 19

78s: Maureen Stapleton / Linda Ronstadt, Phoebe Snow

Telepsychic Ray

Telepsychic Ray … Dan Aykroyd
Caller #1 … Laraine Newman
Caller #2 … John Belushi
Caller #3 … Bill Murray
Caller #4 … Jane Curtin
Caller #5 … Garrett Morris

[Ray, a blonde-haired, cigarette-smoking, oddlyaccented man — wearing a brown plaid jacket,ultra-wide shirt collar, and pink sunglasses — sitshunched in front of a pale brick wall beneath a signthat reads TELEPSYCHIC. A bank of telephones lies infront of him as he addresses the camera.]

Telepsychic Ray: Hi, welcome to Cable TV Channel D.This is Telepsychic. My name is Ray. I’ll be takingyour calls today. Here’s the numbers: 555-1231, 2, 3,and 4, and 5. Ask me about anything, about life,money, love — I’ll predict for ya, okay? [answersphone] Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #1: Ah, yeah. I was, uh, wondering, uh, how oldam I gonna live to?

Telepsychic Ray: Um, I feel, uh, seventy-four. Okay?

Caller #1: Okay, yeah, thanks.

Telepsychic Ray: Okay, thank you. [hangs up, answersanother phone] Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #2: Yeah, uh, is this Telepsychic?

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah, yeah, go ahead, you’re on live,go ahead.

Caller #2: Um, I have no proof but I got a feelin’ mywife Lucille might be cheating on me. I was wonderingif you have any thoughts on this.

Telepsychic Ray: Uh, I hate to be the one to tell youthis … but I’m getting an image which makes me thinkshe’s getting it on the side.

Caller #2: Oh, no. [savagely] Who is it?! I’ll killhim!

Telepsychic Ray: All I can tell you is a name — Dick.Okay?

Caller #2: Dick. Okay. Thank you.

Telepsychic Ray: All right. [hangs up, answers anotherphone] Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #3: Is this Ray?

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah, this is Ray. You’re on, goahead.

Caller #3: Okay, about a year ago, I gave aconstruction company twelve thousand bucks downpayment to build my house …

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah.

Caller #3: … and, uh, they put in a basement and Igave them another twelve thousand bucks.

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah.

Caller #3: And they stopped construction lastSeptember and they won’t answer my phone calls now.

Telepsychic Ray: Uh huh.

Caller #3: Friend of mine tells me they’re goingbankrupt.

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah. Okay. When’s your birthday?

Caller #3: May … May twenty-fifth.

Telepsychic Ray: Well, you have this problem ’causethis is a bad time for you to do business.

Caller #3: So, uh, am I gonna get my money back?

Telepsychic Ray: Definitely not. No. Okay?

Caller #3: All right. Thank you.

Telepsychic Ray: [hangs up, answers another phone]Hello, Telepsychic. Go ahead.

Caller #4: Yeah, my brother left home and disappeared’bout ten years ago and we haven’t heard from him andI was wondering if you knew where he is.

Telepsychic Ray: Uh, yes. He was, uh, hit in the headwith a rock and, uh, eaten by large cats … and, uh,he was alone in Colorado, okay?

Caller #4: Okay, thank you.

Telepsychic Ray: Okay. [hangs up, answers anotherphone] Telepsychic. You’re on, go ahead.

Caller #5: Yeah, like, man, you know, my favorite TVshow is “Saturday Night Live” …

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah.

Caller #5: … you know? And I was wondering ifthey’re going to change the way they start the show.

Telepsychic Ray: No, no, it’s always gonna be “Livefrom New York, it’s Saturday night.”

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 20


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:



Cameos:



Bit Players:


May 26th, 1979

Buck Henry

Bette Midler

Al Franken

Tom Davis

Dave Wilson

Michael O’Donoghue

None
Mr. Bill Visits SNLSummary: Mr. Bill faces torment as an SNL audience member. Jane Curtin launches a tirade after Mr. Bill gets to say “Live From New York.”

Transcript

Montage

Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: The audience response to Buck Henry’s TV diatribe determines the screen size of SNL’s presentation.

Transcript

Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing ParkSummary: Fun-loving Ray (Bill Murray) provides the ability to do all three activities in one convenient location.

Transcript

Samurai BakerySummary: Mr. Dantley (Buck Henry) orders a wedding cake from Samurai Futaba (John Belushi), the master baker.

Recurring Characters: Futaba, Mr. Dantley.

Transcript

The Nixons Watch “Blind Ambition”Summary: After watching the TV movie “Blind Ambition”, former president Richard Nixon (Dan Aykroyd) attempts to convince his family that the Watergate tapes were actually gag reels performed by him and his staff for amusement puposes only.

Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon, John Dean, Pat Nixon, Julie Eisenhower, David Eisenhower.

Transcript

Bette Midler performs “Married Men”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurrayRecurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Transcript

Uncle RoySummary: Terri (Laraine Newman) and Tracy (Gilda Radner) tie naughty babysitter Uncle Roy (Buck Henry) to their bedposts.

Recurring Characters: Uncle Roy, Terri, Tracy, Betty, Arthur.

Transcript

The Franken & Davis ShowSummary: Tom Davis reacts negatively when Al Franken ruins their act by becoming a Hare Krishna.

Transcript

Olympia CafeRecurring Characters: Pete Dionasopolis, George Dionasopolis, Sandy Dionasopolis, Niko Dionasopolis, Mike Dionasopolis.

Transcript

Bette Midler performs “Martha”

Clones Exist Now

Not For Transsexuals OnlyTranscript

Michael O’Donaghue’s Elvis Impression / GoodnightsSummary: Michael O’Donaghue demonstrates his impression of Elvis with needles jabbed into his eyes.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 20

78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

The Franken & Davis Show

…..Tom Davis
…..Al Franken

[ open on animated “The Franken & Davis Show” title card ]

Announcer: It’s time for “The Franken & Davis Show”, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now, here’s Al and Tom!

[ dissolve to Hmoe Base stage, as Al and Tom step forward. Tom appears as himself, while Al appears dressed in traditional Hare Krishna garb ]

Tom Davis: Thank you! Thank you! Welcome to the show. This is the, uh — this is the first “Franken & Davis Show” that we’ve done in several months because, uh, my partner, Al, has been going through some changes.

Al Franken: That’s right, Tom. You see, up until now, I have spent most of my adult life in the decadent world of show business. and, believe me, I’ve done it all: the drugs, the promiscuity, uh, the eating meat, uh — did I mention drugs? And none of this brought me happiness. [ Tom begins to fidget ] And I’m proud now to say that… I have found… inner peace through the teachings of Krishna. And Krishna consciousness has actually… helped… my comedy. And… I think I can say now that I have… a perfect knowledge… of what is funny.

Tom Davis: But, uh — but we are still the same old team of Franken & Davis, and —

Al Franken: Uh, Tom… Tom… Actually, from now on, we’re the comedy team of Ahjnudpippibod and Davis.

Tom Davis: Okay. Well, let’s, uh — let’s just jump into it!

Al Franken: Okay. [ to the audience ] I know all of you love it… when comedians do jokes on TV about the differences between Los Angeles and New York. Uh, but blieve me, the differences are even greater… between New York and Bombay!

Tom Davis: You know, that’s the nutty thing about the Big Apple. Here, we have crazy taxi drivers who step into the street and you take your life in your hands.

Al Franken: But, in Bombay… you cross the street… and you get hit… by a cow! [ he smiles ] It’s crazy!

Tom Davis: I was — I was right. These do not work. These jokes are not working.

Al Franken: They loved that joke, Tom. These people loved that.

Tom Davis: Would you listen? They’re supposed to be laughing, not meditating! This Krishna thing is interfering with our act!

Al Franken: Tom —

Tom Davis: Your appearance is distracting!

Al Franken: Tom… Tom… don’t be ridiculous. These people don’t care what I look like. This is simply my external appearance. Uh, what they care about is the humor… that comes through. Let’s just continue with the routine. Let’s do the baseball routine, I’m sure they’ll love it.

Tom Davis: Alright. [ he reaches down to grab a microphone ] Ladies and gentlemen, it’s basball season again, and we’d like to take you to a very special interview at Yankee Stadium.

[ Al grabs a baseball mitt and inserts chew in his mouth ]

Tom Davis: This is Bonnie Johnson, reporting from Yankee Stadium, and I’m talking here with Peppy Starr, utility outfielder for the Yankees, who we understand is about to be sent back down to the Minors. No — Franken, this is not working! Not for an INSTANT do I believe you’re a baseball player! Forget it! Forget it!

Al Franken: Tom, I think you’re hung up on the material. Uh — my body is temperal.

Tom Davis: Yeah.

Al Franken: My life spirit will live on long after my body has died. That’s why I shaved my head, remember, to renounce the material.

Tom Davis: Right…

Al Franken: Also, by the way, it’s a good for head lice… and I’d recommend that everyone do it. But, Tom, these people don’t care about the way I look. They… they all love me because… they feel my spiritual life force come through the comedy. Isn’t that right, everybody? Don’t you all love me?

[ light applause, as some women yell: “Nooo! Nooo!” ]

Tom Davis: LISTEN to that!! You see what I mean? They — they think you’re ridiculous! They don’t want to hear about this!! They —

Al Franken: Well, Tom… all these people, except for one, or two, people here are obviously… hung up and stuck… on a material plane.

Tom Davis: Alright… [ he wanders off stage ]

Al Franken: And I know all of you are miserable, uh, because of that. And I want you to… try to get in touch with your spiritual self, so you can feel some joy instead of that misery… that you all feel. Now, I want you to chant these words. I’ll say them, and then, after I’m done, please repeat with me: “Hare Krishna… Hare Krishna… Krishna Krishna… Hare Hare! Hare Rama… Hare Rama… Rama Rama… Krishna Krishna!” Okay? Everybody! “Hare Kri –” Come on, everybody!

[ Tom leans in, pulls Al’s ponytail back and snips it off with a pair of scissors ]

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Al Franken: [ meekly ] Why’d you do that?

Tom Davis: I thought it was —

Al Franken: [ with much fury ] WHY’D YOU DO THAT FOR?!!

Tom Davis: Well, it was funny! A spontaneous little — I mean, I picked it up —

Al Franken: Now I’m gonna look like a BUDDHIST!! I mean, Buddhists are BALD!! I’m gonna be walking down the street, people are gonna be pointing at me, they’re gonna make fun of me!! They’re gonna say, “There goes a BUDDHIST!!”

Tom Davis: Well, hey, people don’t —

Al Franken: I HATE BUDDHISTS!!

Tom Davis: People don’t care what you are —

Al Franken: Oh, yeah?!!

[ Al and Tom break out the fisticuffs and begin pummeling one another ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: Al and Tom will be right back after this message.

[ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: “The Franken & Davis Show” was brought to you by Godhead Incense, for the smell of nirvana right here on earth. Buy now from Godhead. And now, here’s Al and Tom!

[ dissolve back to Al and Tom smiling and waving at the camera ]

Al Franken: Good night, everybody!

Tom Davis: Good night!

Al Franken: Good night!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 20

78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Buck Henry’s Monologue

…..Buck Henry

Buck Henry: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s always flattering to be asked to host “Saturday Night Live”, but, for me, it’s more that that. I think you’ll understand what I’m telling you. It’s a sense of.. a sense of vindication of what I represent. Now, we’re always being told that television is a “cultural desert”, because it reflects the vulgarity of the American public. Well, if that’s true.. what am I doing here? After all, I’m not your typical television personality. I don’t have an act, I don’t have a golf tournament named after me.. I represent dignity and intellectual achievement – qualities that aren’t supposed to generate.. big ratings. and, yet, here I am – cerebral as always – and the host of the most highly-rated late night show in television history. I think that says something good about you, the audience.

Of course, there are some.. [ a couple of audience members start to applaud themselves ] Yes! There are some television executives who don’t share this view. Who still think that television has to pander to people’s baser instincts. And, for them, I’ve arranged a little demonstration to prove my point. Uh, Davey? Could you get a shot of the special group, please?

[ reveal shot of audience members wearing electrode helmets covered in wires on their heads ]

Now.. ladies and gentlemen.. these twenty-five members of our audience have volunteered to take part in a special experiment. The devices which you see attached to their foreheads, developed by the Institute for Behaviorial Science at Indiana University, will measure their level of interest in tonight’s show. What’s more, this audience interest quotient – or, the I.Q. – will be registered directly on the screen, through the activation of an electronic video grid. In other words, the image on your screen tonight, will accurately reflect our special group’s interest in the show.

Are we ready to start? all right.

Well, you know.. I’ve given a great deal of thought to what television could be. The ultimate medium for the transmission of ideas. A living, vibrant storehouse of the products of our cultural and intellectual activity as a nation. [ screen slowly begins to shrink to its center, registering the group’s disinterest in what Buck has to say ] That’s something very exciting to me, and, I’m sure, to all of you as well. And the idea of a great electronic mirror, that’s held up to society to reflect our activity in politics, science and the arts. But what, I ask you, what has television become? I’ll tell you. It’s become a gawdy, painted tart! [ screen quickly enlarges, as the group pays attention to Buck’s exciting statements ] Riving in a wanton, tawdry display of cleavage, bare midriff and jiggling buttocks! [ screen jumps to full-size, audience wild with applause ] Always ready to plumb new depths of moral terpitude in order to please her clients! Is this what television has to be? I don’t think so.

The other night, uh.. I was re-reading Marcel Proust’s “The Remembrance of Things Past”. [ screen slowly begins to shrink to its center ] And I asked myself, “Why can’t television be viewed the way Proust viewed literature?” As a means of recovering from our unconcious memory of the texture of life, the day-to-day reality that we don’t see on commercial networks. It’s not because they can’t be done, or because the American public doesn’t want it. It’s because a tiny group of network brass has refused to accept the fact that we’re as interested in, say.. Susan Sontag and her intellectual achievements as.. Suzanne Somers, and her physical endowments. [ screen jumps back to full capacity ] They won’t believe that we’d rather read Betrand Russell’s “Why I Am Not A Christian”.. [ screen shrinks again ] ..than Jane Russell doing “Why I’d Rather Wear A Full-Figured Bra”. [ screen jumps back to full size ] THe old thinking. The thinking that has made this medium a cultural brothel! Where decadence and vulgarity flourish, won’t die easily! Sorry. Yes.

Fortunately, however, there are others in public life that think the way we do. People with vision – interesting people like Cleveland Amory.. [ screen shrinks, shrinks, shrinks ] ..Marshall McLuhan, David Frost, Edwin Newman, Alistair Cooke, Jack Kilpatrick, and Shane Alexander, Andy Rooney.. oh, I could go on with this list for a long time, the point is that the movement is growing! And, with your continued support, it will continue!

Uh.. this has been interesting, I’m glad we had the chance to raise some of these questions here tonight. We’ll be right back after this commercial message!

[ screen has now shrunk to a tiny dot, until it is, at last, solid black ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 20

78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Mr. Bill Visits SNL

…..Mr. Bill
…..Jane Curtin
…..Dave Wilson
…..John Belushi

[ open on “The Mr. Bill Show” title card ]

Mr. Hands V/O: Hey, kids! It’s time for “The Mr. Bill Show”!

[ card lifts to reveal Mr. Bill and Spot standing on set; Mr. Bill holds a “Saturday Night Live” show ticket in his hand, while Spot holds one in his mouth ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, boy! We’re gonna have fun today! Because we’re all gonna go see.. [ dramatic pause ] ..”Saturday Night Live“! Yay! So, kids, if you’re ready to go, let’s hop in-

[ Mr. Hands appears in the scene ]

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill – can I go, too?

Mr. Bill: Oh, but, Mr. Hands, I only have two tickets, and I’ve been waiting all year for them!

Mr. Hands: But, Mr. Bill – you know they don’t allow pets at the show. I’ll take Spot’s ticket..

Mr. Bill: Oh, no! Leave Spot alone!

Mr. Hands: Come on, Spot.. let go..

[ Mr. Hands tugs at the ticket from Spot’s mouth, ultimately pulling it free along with Spot’s head ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: See you later, Spot! Make sure you watch the house while we’re gone.

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhh!! Ohhhh..

[ dissolve to 30 Rock exterior ]

Mr. Hands V/O: Well, here we are at NBC. And we’d better step on it, so we don’t get caught in the last-minute rush. Here.. you go first.

[ Mr. Hands places Mr. Bill at the foot of the revolving door ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, no, wait! No, wait, no! Ohhhhhh!!!

[ Mr. Hands enters the revlving door, sending Mr. Bill flying headfirst into the NBC wall ]

[ quick cut to Sluggo sitting in a seat in the studio audience, an empty seat to his left ]

Mr. Hands: Say, there’s only one seat left. Here. You take it.

[ Mr. Hands places Mr. Bill in the empty seat next to Sluggo ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, but.. but what’s everyone waiting for? Why isn’t the show starting?

Mr. Hands: Well, Mr. Bill, they’re waiting for the traditional opening line.

Mr. Bill: Oh, right! You mean.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiii..”

[ Mr. Hands sits on top of Mr. Bill, as the screen dissolves to SNL’s opening montage: photos of the Statue of Liberty, the New York City skyline, the slow zoom of the “Saturday Night Live” logo painted on the wall outside of 30 Rock, when suddenly.. ]

Jane Curtin V/O: Hold it! Wait a minute! Stop it! Stop it! Just stop it, okay! Just stop it, Davey!

[ quick cut to the control room, where Jane Curtin looms over director Dave Wilson in a fiery rage ]

Dave Wilson: Janie, we’re on the air, we’ve already started the show!

Jane Curtin: I don’t care! I don’t care! This is the last show of the fourth season! I’ve been here from the beginning, and not once have I said, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.” The first year, it was always Chevy; he’d do one of his falls, then he’d open the show – fine! Then he got fired, we all agreed we’d take turns! I figured if we’d stay on the air long enough, I’d eventually get to open the show. But now, to be passed over in favor of.. Gumby.. some meaningless piece of Play-Doh! It’s not fair!

Dave Wilson: Janie, what am I supposed to do? We’re on the air..

Jane Curtin: You hear me?! It’s just not fair, Davey! It’ not right!

[ John Belushi enters the control room ]

John Belushi: She’s right, Davey. She’s absolutely right! I’ve bene working on this show, I’ve been watching her work since Day One.. and she is a real pro! Jane’s a pro! She does her job, and she does it well! While the rest of us have gone on, and captured the hearts and minds of ?? public and the press.. Jane has gone on virtually unnoticed. I’m glad to see you asserting yourself, Jane; I admire you for that. I’m behind you 100%.

Jane Curtin: [ touched ] Well, thank you, John. That’s really nice!

John Belushi: That’s okay. [ turns to the camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

[ Jane pounds on John, as the opening montage starts anew ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 20

78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Michael O’Donoghue’s Elvis Impression / Goodnights

…..Buck Henry
…..Michael O’Donoghue

Buck Henry: Ladies and gentlemen, the spectacularimpressions of Mr. Michael O’Donoghue.

[Applause. Music. Bearded, bespectacled MichaelO’Donoghue — perhaps better known as “Mr. Mike” –strides onstage]

Michael O’Donoghue: Thank you very much. And, uh,thank you, Buck… You know, in the past, um, twentyor thirty years, we’ve seen a lot of rock and rollstars come and go. But there was one man, one man whostayed on top right from the very beginning and Iguess that’s why they called him … the King. And ofcourse I’m speaking about … Mr. Elvis Presley.[Applause] Yes! Yes! There was a man…! [O’Donoghuejoins applause. Applause stops] You know, when Elvisdied … I think a small piece of all of us died withhim. I know that’s how it was with me. I was homewatching television the other afternoon and I happenedto catch Spinout, a great Presley movie with anincredible cast — Nancy Sinatra, Bill Bixby.[TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: Presley’s 1966 film Spinout doesnot feature Sinatra and Bixby — they appear inPresley’s 1968 film Speedway. An understandable erroron O’Donoghue’s part.] I was watching this movie and afunny thought occurred to me. I thought, what ifsomeone took steel needles, say, mm, fifteen, eighteeninches long and plunged them, plunged them into ElvisPresley’s … eyes. What would his reaction be? We canonly guess … but I think it might go something likethis…

[turns his back to the camera, pulls up shirtcollar over his neck, removes eyeglasses and pocketsthem, then spins quickly, his right hand clutched tohis eyes, screaming, shrieking at the top of hislungs. He staggers, collapses to the floor, tries toget up. Laughter and applause as O’Donoghue falls offstage and rolls into audience. ]

[Buck Henry returns to shout something to the crowd as the band begins to play the closing theme. O’Donoghue continues screaming, struggling through the audience and bumping into startled audience members as the final credits roll and the cast, host Buck Henry, and musical guest Bette Midler gather at center stage and wave good night, Bill Murray hopping up and down and dancing along with the music, etc.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 20

78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

The Nixons Watch “Blind Ambition”

Richard Nixon…..Dan Aykroyd
Pat Nixon…..Jane Curtin
Julie Eisenhower…..Gilda Radner
David Eisenhower…..Bill Murray
John Dean…..Buck Henry

[ open on broadcast of the “Blind Ambition” mini-series, President Richard Nixon in secret meeting with John Dean ]

John Dean in Movie: ..Uh, but there’s no denying the fact that the White House – Ehrlichman, Haldeman, Dean – are all involved in some of the early money decisions.

President Richard Nixon in Movie: How much money do you need?

John Dean in Movie: Well.. I would say these people are going to cost, uh.. a million dollars over the next, uh.. two years.

President Richard Nixon in Movie: We could get that.

John Dean in Movie: Uh-huh.

President Richard Nixon in Movie: You, on the money, if you need the money, I mean, uh.. you could get the money. Let’s say-

John Dean in Movie: Well, I think that we’re going to-

[ the broadcast goes black, as camera zooms out to reveal former President Richard Nixon hunched over the television flipping the off switch ]

Richard Nixon: Well, that was a piece of crap!

Julie Eisenhower: You know.. Daddy, I thought the guy playing you was really terrible!

Richard Nixon: [ sweating ] Yeah, uh.. Rip Torn.

David Eisenhower: He didn’t look anything like you.

Richard Nixon: Yeah, he was really stiff, too.

Pat Nixon: [ holding tight to a highball ] I think, in some ways, he was uncannily accurate.

Richard Nixon: [ angry ] Shut up! I noticed they didn’t spend a lot of time on your dynamic role in history!

Pat Nixon: Well, I didn’t commit any crimes.

Julie Eisenhower: Daddy? Did you really say those things?

Richard Nixon: Now, Princess, you know Daddy.. would I say those things..?

David Eisenhower: Well, actually, sir.. it said that all your conversations with Dean were taken from the taped transcripts..

Richard Nixon: Okay, bright eyes! It was from the transcripts! But it’s not how you say it- it’s not what you say, rather.. it’s how you say it, idiot! You see, I.. I called you “idiot”, but I meant it affectionately.

David Eisenhower: [ confused ] I’m not sure I understand..

Richard Nixon: Okay, look, look.. you just say something, and I’ll.. show you how the meaning changes, depending on how you say it.

David Eisenhower: Okay.. [ thinking ] “I wish.. I were.. a baseball player.”

Richard Nixon: Okay. “I wish I were a baseball player.” [ analyzing the statement ] Uh.. “I wish I were a baseball player?” You see, like I don’t really mean it.

David Eisenhower: But I wouldn’t say it that way..

Julie Eisenhower: Well, that is the point, David.

Pat Nixon: [ drunkenly ] Why don’t you try “I love you”?

Richard Nixon: Look, we made the point there! Have you got enough ice? Is your drink okay?! Just let me finish talking to my daughter and her husband, alright?! [ continuing ] Now,

Julie Eisenhower: Uh.. you were saying that they took those transcripts, and they twisted them around to make you look like a crook!

Richard Nixon: Uh, uh, ye-eah.. that’s right, Kitten. For example, the scene we just saw, that March 21st meeting with Dean in the Oval Office. The way they show it, it makes it seem like I authorized raising the hush money. But, of course, nothing could be further from the truth! Let me tell you how it really went down. You see-

Pat Nixon: [ standing ] Excuse me. I’m going upstairs to watch the rest of the show, and find out what really happened. [ exits upstairs with her highball in hand ]

Richard Nixon: She could have said she was going up to read a book! But no! [ yelling up the stairs ] THANKS!! Thanks for the sensitivity!! THANKS for the support!! THANKS A LOT!! [ returns to Julie and David ] Where was I, now?

David Eisenhower: Uh.. you were telling us how they twisted the meaning of what you said.

Richard Nixon: That’s right, uh.. uh, yeah, yeah.. [ chuckles ] You see.. my administration.. had the greatest sense of humor that this country has ever seen. You see.. most of the time, we were.. making “party” tapes. Me, and Haldeman, and Ehrlichman, and Dean could joke for weeks on end. We actually.. played to the microphone..

[ slow dissolve to a flashback scene of Nixon’s March 21st meeting with John Dean in the Oval Office ]

Richard Nixon V/O: ..We’d do anything to crack wach other up! And I remember, that day, Dean was on a roll, so I just followed his lead, and.. “played along” with the “joke”..

John Dean: [ standing over Nixon’s desk; a microphone is unseen underneath a small lamp on the desk ] ..Plus.. there’s a real problem.. in raising money.

[ Dean holds up handwritten sign: “Let’s Pretend There’s A Cover Up”; Nixon laughs, removes lampshade to reveal hidden microphone ]

John Dean: Uh.. Mitchell.. Mitchell has been working on raising some money.. feeling he’s got, you know.. he’s one of the ones with the most.. to lose

President Richard Nixon: [ covers microphone with hand, tries not to laugh ] Martha!

John Dean: ..but.. there is no denying the fact that the White House – Ehrlichman, Haldeman.. [ points to himself ] ..Dean – are all involved in some of the.. early.. money decisions.

President Richard Nixon: [ stands slightly to speak directly into the microphone ] How much money do they need?

John Dean: Well.. I would say these people are going to cost, uh.. uh.. [ looks to Nixon for help, who sticks both thumbs in the air to silently cue Dean to pick a high number ] ..a million dollars! Over the next.. two years.

[ Nixon and Dean pound on the desk to subdue their laughter ]

President Richard Nixon: We could get that.

John Dean: [ stifling laughter ] Uh-huh.

[ Nixon scribbles on a pad, then, laughing silently, holds it up to reveal the message: “Let’s Talk In Incomplete Sentences” ]

President Richard Nixon: Uh.. uh.. You, uh.. on the money.. if you, uh.. need the money, I mean, uh.. you could get the money. Let’s say, uh..

John Dean: Well, I think if we’re going to, uh..

President Richard Nixon: What I meant is, uh.. you could get, uh.. you could get a million dollars. And you could get it in cash.

[ Dean stick two pencils up his nose, resembling a walrus; Nixon practically falls out of his chair laughing at the sight ]

President Richard Nixon: I, uh.. I know where it could be gotten!

John Dean: Uh, huh! [ puts lampshade on his head and dances in a circle, to nixon’s amusement ]

President Richard Nixon: I mean it’s not easy.. but it could be done!

[ Dean drops his pants and continues to dance with lampshade on his head; Nixon falls to the floor laughing, as Dean pounds on the desk in a fit of laughter ]

[ slow dissolve back to the Nixon household, present day ]

Richard Nixon: You see, David? Things aren’t always as they seem.

David Eisenhower: Well, I.. guess people just hear what they want to hear.

Julie Eisenhower: I’ll say. You know, Dad’s only crime was having too good a sense of humor.

Richard Nixon: You’re damn right, Kitten!

David Eisenhower: You know, Dad.. you should try to.. get those tapes released, and then everyone can hear how you were joking around.

Julie Eisenhower: Yeah! That’s a good idea!

Richard Nixon: Well, uh.. you know.. even audio tapes can be a little misleading. The expression on your face is really important, too!

Julie Eisenhower: Ohh.. it’s too bad you didn’t make any videotapes.

David Eisenhower: Yeah.

Richard Nixon: [ eyes shifting ] Yeah.. yeah.. too bad..

Julie Eisenhower: Well, uh.. we should go to bed.

David Eisenhower: Awww..

Richard Nixon: Uh, you’re right! That little granddaughter of mine’s gonna be waking you two kids up early tomorrow!

Julie Eisenhower: Good night, Dad.

Richard Nixon: Good night, Princess.

[ Julie exits to upstairs ]

David Eisenhower: Good night, Sir.

Richard Nixon: Good night, David.

David Eisenhower: Uh.. Dad? I.. guess I owe you an apology for.. what I said about the transcripts..

Richard Nixon: No, that’s okay, David.

David Eisenhower: Well, good night, sir.

Richard Nixon: Good night.

David Eisenhower: Pleasant dreams.

Richard Nixon: Mmm-hmm..

David Eisenhower: Pleasant dreams, sir.

Richard Nixon: Mmm-hmm..

David Eisenhower: Uh.. pleasant drea-

Richard Nixon: Yes, David! Thank you! Good night!

[ David exits to upstairs, as Nixon paces the room briefly before turning the TV back on. The Three Stooges are now, and Nixon watches cheerfully. ]

Richard Nixon: Ha ha! Shemp! Larry! Moe! Ha ha!

[ Dissolve to wider view of set showing cameras, lights, applauding audience, etc. ]

[ SUPER: “Coming up next: Czechoslavakian Towel Monograms” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts