Buck Henry: Thank you all for coming! Good night… [ he holds his arm up ] and goodbye!
[ everyone waves sentimentally as the credits begin to roll ]
Announcer: Next Saturday night, an encore presentation of “Saturday Night Live”, with host Howard Hesseman and musical guest Randy Newman. This is the original Don Pardo — you can tell by the way I say… “Good night.”
[ suddenly, Buck Henry steps off the stage, creating a pyramid effect as everyone follows him through the audience ]
[ the camera cuts to the exterior of Studio 8-H, doors opened and marked “Please Do Not Enter This Studio With Coffee or Food” and “No Smoking” ]
[ Buck Henry and the cast and musical guests exit the studio single-file and exit the camera rangr into their uncertain futures ]
[ the camera zooms in on the flashing “ON AIR” sign, which promptly goes dark as the last of the line exits the studio ]
[ fade ]
… Buck Henry Lucy Lawler … Liz Welch, SNL talent scout Gary Lipton … Walter Williams, creator of Mr. Bill Norma Jenkins … Mary Moore Lee Mayman … Lee Mayman, scenic designer Carl Quackenbush … Matt Neuman, writer Robin Shurmerhorn … Robin Shlien, production assistant Ron Waldo … Don Pardo, NBC staff announcer
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Buck Henry!
Buck Henry: Thank you. Hi, everybody. Thanks verymuch. It is wonderful to be back again. You know, thisis the one hundred and sixth Saturday Night Liveprogram. [applause] Yes. And it is the one hundred andthird time that I’ve hosted. You know, I’ve alwayshosted the last show of the year and this is the lastshow of the year. Some people, in fact, think it mightbe the last Saturday Night show ever. [audience groansand boos] But don’t worry! Because I’m here toannounce that Saturday Night Live will be back againnext year. [prolonged cheers and applause]
Not with the same people, of course. But with anentirely new cast of young, fresh, talented people toreplace the ones who were let go. And I’m sure – I’msure that these new kids are gonna grow on ya becausethey’re the cream of the crop of – of hundreds whoauditioned for the – the former producer and I – Ireally look forward to working with them and the newproducer in the years ahead, so let’s meet thesebright and funny newcomers! First, from Midland,Texas, Lucy Lawler! [tall brunette wearing jeans,rainbow-hued shirt and orange cap enters and joinsBuck, they stand with their arms around each other]Hi, Luce.
Lucy Lawler: Hello, Buck.
Buck Henry: I bet they’re going to be calling you “TheSweetheart of Saturday Night Live” pretty soon, Lucy.
Lucy Lawler: Well, to tell you the truth, I’m a littlenervous.
Buck Henry: That’s all right. It’s understandable.Gilda Radner was just as nervous when she firststepped out here five years ago. I helped her and I’llhelp you, too, if you know what I mean. [slyly bumpshis hip against hers]
Lucy Lawler: Well, thank you, Mr. Henry.
Buck Henry: You call me Buck from now on.
Lucy Lawler: Okay, Buck. [waves to the audience andwalks upstage]
Buck Henry: Now! Here’s a guy who besides being a finecomedian, plays many, many musical instruments.Welcome Gary Lipton! [thin, pale, bearded man wearinga black shirt made to look like a tuxedo enters andshakes hands with Buck] Hey, Gar. Gary, just how manymusical instruments do you actually play?
Gary Lipton: Oh, uh, well, uh, I can get a sound outof about twenty instruments.
Buck Henry: That’s fantastic! [to the camera] Okay!Next! [Gary Lipton awkwardly retreats upstage andjoins Lucy Lawler] A really funny lady originally fromCincinatti, Ohio and here’s Norma Jenkins. [plumpAfrican-American woman in overalls runs outenthusiastically and joins Buck] Hey, have you – haveyou done much television before, Norma?
Norma Jenkins: Uh, just a local show in Cincinatti.But it was on the same station that Mike Douglasstarted on.
Buck Henry: Okay, well, that’s good enough for us. Isay: “Bye bye, Garrett Morris — Hello, Norma!”
Norma Jenkins: All right! [pumps hands in the air andjoins the other cast members, forming a line upstage]
Buck Henry: Now! It’s time to meet a former member ofa fabulous comedy team and his name is Lee Mayman![short, bespectacled young man wearing a green shirtthat reads: “I’M LEE MAYMAN AND YOU’RE NOT” enters andjoins Buck] How you doin’, Lee? Lee, I understand youused to be a former member of a comedy team.
Lee Mayman: That’s right, Buck. It was called Holmanand Mayman.
Buck Henry: Mm hmm.
Lee Mayman: You might remember our William Tell bit.
Buck Henry: [after a pause] Lee Mayman, everybody![Lee Mayman joins his fellow cast members upstage]Okay. Now, let’s meet a guy who bills himself as – as”The Walking Loony Bin” — that’s what it says anyway.Let’s meet Carl Quackenbush! [bespectacled man infrock coat and carrying a cigar enters doing animitation of Groucho Marx’s famous crouch and joinsBuck] Well, Carl, are you gonna be the next BillMurray?
Carl Quackenbush: [sounds just like Groucho] Icertainly hope not.
Buck Henry: “I certainly hope not”! If that’s the kindo’ comedy we can expect from this guy, I think we’rein for some big belly laughs this fall! [CarlQuackenbush heads upstage] Okay, folks, let’s meetRobin Shurmer– [has trouble reading the cue card]Shurmer – Robin – Robin Shurmerhorn! [cute brunette ina floral blouse enters and joins Buck] Robin! Did Ipronounce that correctly?
Robin Shurmerhorn: Yes, it’s Shurmerhorn.
Buck Henry: [slight pause] Well, thank you, Robin.Okay! [Robin Shurmerhorn heads upstage] And last -last, folks, but not least, here’s Ron Waldo![sixty-something year old man in a blue jogging suitruns out and joins Buck]
Ron Waldo: Heeey! Buck! Thank you.
Buck Henry: Now, Ron, they say you do a greatimitation of Don Pardo.
Ron Waldo: That’s right, Buck. [flawless imitation ofDon Pardo] “It’s Saturday Night Live!!!”
Buck Henry: That’s terrific. Terrific, Ron. Okay. [RonWaldo joins the others upstage, by now they’re alllined up behind Buck] There you have it, ladies andgentlemen. How about a big hand for these stars of thefuture? [Buck steps aside and we pull back to view theentire new cast lined up, waving to the audience whocheer and applaud. Finally, Buck steps forward andraises a hand.] All of them – all of these kids aregonna be spending the summer at NBC’s Comedy Camp inupstate New York – studying assiduously under thesupervision of NBC’s dean of comedy workshops, Mr.John Barbour! So, these kids will be back in the fallbut – we’ll be right back!
[Applause. Wider shot of the new cast waving, Buckjerks a thumb at them, nodding and smilingsupportively.]
Nick “Lava”…..Bill Murray …..Paul Shaffer Prince Amanawahu…..Akira Yoshimura Iris de Flaminio…..Jane Curtin Richard Posniak…..Buck Henry Lenora Posniak…..Laraine Newman Joe Daddy…..Al Franken …..Yvonne Hudson Farrell Jones…..Garrett Morris Kathy Gorley…..Gilda Radner Woman at bar…..Anne Beatts
[ open on interior, Trader Nick’s, as Nick the Lounge Singer performs ]
Nick “Lava”: [ singing ]“He’s a cop from Oaho, who gets lots of sun Famous Steve McGarrett! And he packs a gu-u-u-u-un!”
Come on, Paul!
“If you need his number It’s Hawaii Five-0!”
Thank you! Thank you! Welcome to Trader Nick’s, a little bit of the Hawaiian Islands right here in the Buffalo-Niagara Falls area. I’m your host, Nick “Lava”, and I’ll be humping my volcano ash for you, for the next little while or so. Hot day today? I know I built up a Hawaiian-sized thirst. I hope you take advantage of our exotic Polynesian specialties here at Trader Nick’s. THe man who put the “hi” in “Hawaiian”, a full-blooded Hawaiian — Prince Amanawahu. How you doing, Prince?
[ pan over to Prince Amanawahu working the blender ]
He’s busy working his magic right now, so let’s ask one of the prince’s lovely barmaidens — Princes Iris? [ Iris de Flaminio looks up ] Princess, would you point us down the dark road tonight?
Iris de Flaminio: [ husky-voiced ] Sure thing! For a night you may not remember, but you’ll never forget… I recommend the Kamikazee or the Missionary’s Downfall. But if you really want to get out of the blocks fast, try Trader Nick’s specialty — the Coconut Head Butter. It’s got three different fruit juices and five ounces of Bacardi 1-5-1. I gotta serve the drinks, Nick.
Nick “Lava”: [ laughing ] Yes, you do! And tell her why, Paul.
[ singing ]Oh, you may be the ambassador to England or Paree, France You might like to gamble down in Atlantic City, you might like to dance disco-style. You might be like Mohammed Ali, the heavyweight champion of the world Or you might be at Trader Nick’s, serving insane guys and girls! But you’re gonna have to SERVE somebody!”
Iris de Flaminio: [ singing ] “SERVE somebody!”
Nick “Lava”: And on a night like this, you young fellows are gonna have to TIP somebody, too! HUh?
Iris de Flaminio: TIP somebody, I’m SERIOUS!
Nick “Lava”: [ singing ]“You might be prince of a lifetime, or a couple of Navy frogs But you’re gonna have to serve somebodyyyy!”
Somebody… anybody… for heaven’s sake! [ the room claps ] Hey! Aloha! Aloha, folks! How’s it going? How are you?
Richard Posniak: Oh, I guess we’re alright, this is our second Fog Cutter.
Nick “Lava”: [ laughing ] What’s your name, and where are you from?
Richard Posniak: I’m Mr. Richard Posniak, and we’re from Room 208 in the Castle Court Motel, just across the highway. [ he holds up his room key ]
Lenora Posniak: I’m Lenora Posniak. We have three kids in the room who finally fell asleep, and we’re here to forget the day!
Nick “Lava”: [ chuckling ] Having trouble on the vacation or something, huh?
Lenora Posniak: [ aggravated ] It’s not vacationing! We were relocated today from the Love Canal.
Nick “Lava”: Well, I’ll tell you… I’ve been following that story, and, you know, boy, I got a scare the other day. All of a sudden, I got one of these headaches in the back, everything tensed up, I started to go black, I thought: “Oh, my God! You know? Love Canal.” And then I realized, I’d been chugging frozen coladas all day! So, you know, I just cut back on my pace, and I’m fine now.
Richard Posniak: Good for you, Nick. How would you like to buy a 3-bedroom house real cheap?
Nick “Lava”: Hey — another round of Fog Cutters for this couple. They’re on Uncle Sam. This one’s for you, huh? Let’s do it. Hey, I hope you don’t move in with those Cubans, that would really be too bad.
[ Nick stands and sings ]
“Kiss today goodbye And forget about tomorrow. You did what you had to doooooo Won’t regret! Can’t forget! What you did for love. What you did for love. What you did for love.”
Bless you. Thank you. [ to a group of high-schoolers ] Hey! What’s happening over at this table?
Teens: [ chanting ]“We’re poison ivy! It’s our thing! We do what we want to do! Yayyyyyyyy, canker sores!”
Nick “Lava”: Okay, calm down, fellows. We’ve been very nice about not checking ID tonight, so let’s all behave and act like the nice mature, responsible adults I know you are. What’s your name, fellow?
Joe Daddy: Joe Daddy, Co-Captain.
Nick “Lava”: Okay. And who are you? Could you stand, please?
Yvonne Hudson: [ she stands ] Hi, I’m Yvonne Hudson, and this is my Love Jones!
Nick “Lava”: Love Jones?
Farrell Jones: [ standing ] Yeah, that’s right! Farrell Jones, Co-Captain and all-around love messenger! Uh, him and me, we’re co-captains of the baseball and the, you know, the football team.
Joe Daddy: Yeah, he played shortshop and halfback, and, uh, I was catcher and monster man!
Nick “Lava”: Well, that’s great. Enjoy, enjoy. And who is this lovely queen? Could you stand, please, lady? How are you?
Nick “Lava”: And how did you get to be the prom queen?
Kathy Gorley: How’d you get into show business, Trader?
Nick “Lava”: Well, I wasn’t elected unanimously! [ he laughs ] Well, you all nurse those Coconut Head Butters. Prom Night is a night to have fun, but let me tell you first sbout my prom, if you wnt to know about prom nights. I wrapped my old man’s Impala around an oak tree. I walked away, but my fiancee rode shotgun — she did not. The whole class went to her funeral two days later, it was a closed casket. So think about that later, on the way home. [ to Joe Daddy ] Do you have a theme for tonight’s prom?
Joe Daddy: [ sobering up ] Uh… “Stairway to Heaven”.
Nick “Lava”: [ to Paul ] Do I know that? [ Paul hits the piano ] Yeah. Led Zeppelin, right? I guess you’re probably a little too young to remember their first album, huh? “Communication Breakdown”? Well, enjoy. I’ll try to do it anyway.
[ singing ]“And as we wind on down the road! Our shadows taller than our soul! There walks a lady we all know Who shines white light and wants to show! How everything still turns to gold. And if you listen very hard The tune will come to you at last! When all are one and one is all To be a rock and not to rolllllllllllllllllllllllllll!!
And she’s… buying… a stairway… to heaven.”
[ the crowd bursts into applause ]
Aloha! Aloha! Aloha! Enjoy.
[ camera pulls back on set, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Saturday Night Live Garage Sale” ]
[ fade ]
Paul Heverly…..Bill Murray Dick Drake…..Harry Shearer Countess Luciana Palermo…..Jane Curtin Leon Satin…..Garrett Morris Hugh Gaffney…..Buck Henry
[ open on panelists whispering among themselves over jazzy music ]
[ camera zooms in on Paul Heverly as the music fades ]
Paul Heverly: Good evening. Welcome to “Week in Review”. I’m your moderator, Paul Heverly. Well, it’s been a busy week in the news, and, uh, we have a lot to discuss. I can see that our panelists are anxious to get started, so let’s introduce them. First, our regulars: from The New York Post, Dick Drake.
[ SUPER: “Dick Drake (Pseudonym) New York Post” ]
…from the Midnight Globe, Countess Luciana Palermo.
[ SUPER: “Leon Satin (Nom de Plume) National Enquirer” ]
…and our special guest, making his first appearance on the show, political analyst for the New York Times, Hugh Gaffney.
[ SUPER: “Hugh Gaffney, New York Times” ]
Paul Heverly: Is that your real name, Hugh?
Hugh Gaffney: [ confused ] Yes.
Paul Heverly: Huh. Huh. Well, Dick, let’s start with you: What’s the week’s top story?
Dick Drake: Well, Nick, I’d say this week’s top story HAS to be the woman whose baby was eaten by the German Shephard.
Paul Heverly: Now, Dick, you followed that story perhaps more closely than the rest of us. Was she a Devil worshipper?
Dick Drake: No. No, no, no. There was some speculation to that early in the week, but, in essence, she was a heroin addict, she simply left her alone in the apartment for several days with the German Shephard. I think every analyst would agree the dog had nothing to eat, and as a result ate the child.
Leon Satin: Uhhhh — man, you really think that’s a bigger story than the DIET that lets you eat ALL the chocolate you want… and STILL lose twenty pounds a week? Hmm?
Dick Drake: Well… let me put it this way: If there’d been one more just slightly bizarre twist the the German Shephard story —
Leon Satin: Yeah.
Dick Drake: Let’s sayyyyy she’d been on her way to the prom, for example, or… just won the lottery the night her baby was eaten. I think we’d be talking about one of the most significant stories of the year.
ountess Luciana Palermo: More significant than Loni Anderson’s operation to reduce her breast size?
Dick Drake: Well, I just don’t think anybody was surprised by that, believe it or not.
Hugh Gaffney: [ interrupting ] I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! But… wouldn’t you say that the TOP story was the Presidential race, that Carter and Reagan seem to have nailed down their parties’ nominations! [ he smiles satisfactorily but gets no response ]
Paul Heverly: Well, Countess, your paper ran a very big story this week on the Kennedy campaign.
Dick Drake: Yes, Nick! As you know, we learned that immediately after the accident at Chappaquiddick, the first person Teddy called was not his wife or a close advisor, but an attractive, busty German divorcee Helga Wagner.
Paul Heverly: I understand your paper printed a verbatim transcript of their phone conversation?
ountess Luciana Palermo: Oh, yes! It was a psychic reconstruction of the conversation, which we ran completely unedited.
Dick Drake: Countess. Am I wrong on this, or was she on her way to her Senior prom when she received the phone call from Kennedy?
ountess Luciana Palermo: Oh, nooooo. But wouldn’t it have been something if she HAD been?
Paul Heverly: Leon, with the summer months coming up, can we look forward to any more cattle mutilations or hammer murders? Uh, perhaps some manifestations of the spirit of Elvis Presley speaking through people’s air conditioner vents?
Leon Satin: Uhhh, certainly, man! It’s going to be a loooooong, hot summer! No question about that. BUT! I think the story that’s just NOT going to go away… is 10 Ways to Beat the Heat!
[ the panelists agree, as Hugh waves his hand ]
Paul Heverly: Hugh? You have a thought?
Hugh Gaffney: Yes. I’m sorry, I just can’t help but think that the economy is one of the major stories at the moment, simply because it affects SO many people.
[ the panelists stare silently at Hugh ]
Dick Drake: Well, I think perhaps what Hugh is trying to get at, is that when times are tough, people will be under a lot of emotional pressure. I think, if it’s me, I think we’ll see MORE stewardesses thrown in front of suburban trains, MORE groups of Japanese tourists doused with gasoline and set on fire — I agree with you.
Hugh Gaffney: Uh, no — I was thinking more of the effect of the recession on the average family.
ountess Luciana Palermo: [ excited ] Ohhhh! You mean like the Detroit auto worker with eight kids, who was laid off from his assembly-line job!
Hugh Gaffney: Yes!
ountess Luciana Palermo: And he went a little crazy, murdered his entire family and buried them in the neighbor’s back yard!
Hugh Gaffney: No! No!
Dick Drake: If I’m not mistaken, Countess, wasn’t that the night of his eldest daughter’s Senior Prom?
Hugh Gaffney: NO!
Dick Drake: No, I recall that.
Hugh Gaffney: That’s not — that’s not it!
Paul Heverly: Hugh, this sounds like a fascinating story. But, uh, unfortunately, we’ve run out of time. Perhaps you could come back on the show and you could tell us the story of this insane auto worker.
Dick Drake: I’d like to hear more about that.
Hugh Gaffney: I — I —
Paul Heverly: I’d like to thank our regulars — a berzerk auto worker! — I’d like to thank our regulars and our special guest. Hguh Gaffney. Good night from “Weeke in Review”.
[ jazzy them music pots back up, as a disgruntled Hugh Gaffney rises to shove copies of the New York Times into his briefcase ]
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] For a transcript of this program, send 75-cents to: THE WEEK IN REVIEW Suite 200 G Palm Court Motor Hotel Hollywood, Florida ]
[ fade ]
Betty…..Jane Curtin Uncle Roy…..Buck Henry Terri…..Laraine Newman Tracy…..Gilda Radner
[ open on Betty’s living room, as the doorbell rings ]
[ Bety rushes downstairs to answer the door to Roy ]
Betty: Oh, Roy, come in!
Uncle Roy: [ entering ] Long time, no see, Betty!
Betty: Now, it’s been too long, Roy, and I feel really badly about it. It’s just that my husband simply can’t phantom a 45-year old bachelor who wants to babysit a pair of BRATS for free.
Uncle Roy: [ laughing ] By the way, where is Arthur?
Betty: In Cleveland, whooping it up at another one of those microsurgical parts conventions.
Uncle Roy: Ah! And where are you off to, Betty?
Betty: A dinner party, but I’ll try to slip away early.
Uncle Roy: [ alarmed ] No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You stay as long as you want!
Betty: Oh, you’re too good, Roy. Now, Roy, I know it was you, not Santa, who replaced Terri’s old frayed bicylce seat with a brand new one. Don’t think that went unnoticed.
Uncle Roy: [ grinning ] Did, uh… Arthur notice?
Betty: Oh, he took it totally in the wrong way. And, you know, he was even suspicious about that extravagant anniversary present you sent us? [ she ackknowledges the glass coffee table in front of them ]
Uncle Roy: Well, I always thought this room needed a glass coffee table! [ he chuckles ] Anyway, where are my little darlings?
Betty: Oh! [ she walks over to the foot of the stairs ] Come on down, girls! I have a surprise for you! [ to Roy ] They’re gonna be SO excited, Roy!
Terri & Tracy: WE WILL!! GOODBYE, MOMMY!! GOODBYE!! HAVE A GOOD TIME!!
[ Betty exits ]
Terri: Oh, GOSH, we MISSED you, Uncle Roy! We asked Daddy to play Invisible Leg Doctor, and he didn’t even know how!
Tracy: Yeah! And, Uncle Roy, remember the time you filled the bathtub all up with water and went bobbing for bananas?
Uncle Roy: [ smiling ] I remember!
Terri: Yeah, and remember when you showed us Jumbo the One-Eared Elephant?
Tracy: Yeah! And… and… and the time you were Ruffy the Dog, and we de-wormed you?
Uncle Roy: Oh, yes! It was fun! And, if I’m not mistaken, Ruffy was gonna bury his bone in your backyard.
Terri: Yeahhhh! Hey, Uncle Roy — [ she stands on her head on the couch, with her butt sticking out ] What am I?
Uncle Roy: [ near drooling ] Too good to be true!
Terri: [ standing up ] No! I’m an ostrich with my head buried in the sand.
Tracy: Yeah! I’m an ostrich, too! [ they both bury their heads in the couch with their butts sticking out ] Look at me, look at me!
Uncle Roy: [ excited ] I’m looking! I’m looking! Now, girls, girls — I think that we are ready to play Uncle Roy Cousteau! [ he stands ] So, Tracy… Terri… let’s go deep sea diving in Uncle Roy’s pants!
Terri: [ digging in his pockets ] Yayyyyy! What are we looking for?
Uncle Roy: You’re looking for saltwater taffy! But I warn you — there are all kinds of STRANGE things lurking in the ocean! You might find precious pearls, or tangled beds of seaweed, and watch out for that old electric eel!
Tracy: Oh, wow! I found some candy!
Terri: Yay! Me, too! [ they eat their taffy ] Oh! Uncle Roy! Can we play Goofy Sisters?
Uncle Roy: Oh! What a good idea! Now, you run upstairs and get the panty hats! Okay? Go on! You go upstairs and fetch all your DIRTY little underthings! [ the girls run upstairs ] That’s right! Get them all, bring them all down! Don’t leave anything out!
Tracy: Okay, here we come! [ they slide down the banister ] Yayyyyy!! Here we come!
Uncle Roy: That’s a good girl!
Tracy: We got all the panties!
[ the girls jump onto the couch ]
Uncle Roy: Okay. Alright, give me the panty hats now. Uncle Roy has to play, too. That’s right! [ he puts a panty over his head and sniffs ] These are Terri’s… [ he puts another panty over his head ] And these are Tracy’s.
Tracy: [ laughing ] Oh! Uncle Roy always guesses right!
[ the girls put panties on their heads ]
Uncle Roy: Now, girls, I’ve got an idea! Goofy Uncle Roy Cousteau is going to take the Goofy Sisters for a ride in the glass-bottom boat! This is for the back page of the Goofy News!
Terri & Tracy: Yayyyyy!! Yeah, that’s good!! Here we go!!
[ Tracy and Terri pull up their pajamas and sit on top of the glass coffee table, as Roy lies down underneath and begins to take pictures ]
[ suddenly, Better re-enters and approaches the scene ]
Betty: I hope I’m not interrupting anything.
Terri & Tracy: Hi, Mommy!! Hi, Mommy!!
Uncle Roy: [ panicking, still underneath the coffee table ] I can explain EVERYTHING!! Uh…
Betty: There’s no need to explain. I know a Goofy Sisters phot session when I see one. [ amused ] Roy, what you let these MONSTERS get away with! [ Roy crawls up to the surface ] Oh, now, girls… you should be more respectful of your Uncle Roy. Now, anyway, it’s WAY past your bedtime! Now, MARCH! Come on!
Terri & Tracy: Ohhh, okay…
Tracy: Good night, Uncle Roy! Please come back! Don’t forget us!
Uncle Roy: Good night! Sweet dreams!
Terri & Tracy: Good night, Mom!!
[ the girls kiss Uncle Roy good night and run upstairs ]
Betty: Oh, dear… [ she chuckles ]
Uncle Roy: What are you doing back so early, Betty?
Betty: Well, the fact is, Roy, I couldn’t face making small talk when the real truth is… [ she removes Roy’s panty hat ] Oh, I hate to burden you with this, Roy, but… [ she sighs ] I think I’m on the verge of a divorce.
Uncle Roy: [ stunned ] What do you mean?
Betty: This is the third microsurgical convention in two months. Roy, I’m convinced that Arthur’s seeing someone else.
Uncle Roy: You deserve BETTER than that, Betty!
Betty: That’s why I thought I’d leave Arthur and move back to San Francisco with the girls.
Uncle Roy: [ alarmed ] NO!! NO!!
Betty: Oh, I know what you’re thinking, Roy! I’ll be uprooting them, taking them out of school…
Uncle Roy: Call me an old fogey, if you will, but marriage is for KEEPS! [ he grabs the panty hat from her ] You’ve GOT to think of the girls! That’s who I’m thinking of.
Betty: You know… you’re right? I guess I was just being selfish!
Uncle Roy: [ hopeful ] And you won’t take the girls away?
Betty: [ thinking ] No, I… guess I’ll stick it out. Thanks for the shoulder, it’s… it’s a shame every family can’t have an Uncle Roy. You’re one in a million!
Uncle Roy: [ slyly ] Oh, there’s… more of me than you might suspect! [ he holds the panty hat to his face and smiles ]
[ zoom out on set, with SUPER: “Coming up next… Cable Tunnelvision” ]
[ fade ]
Steve Martin: Well, that’s it for another show, and… we’re standing out here with one minute to kill. So… [ he turns to see Bill Murray still dressed in his deer suit ] Say, that reminds me! Next week’s host will be… Buck!
[ everyone cheers, as Steve points to Bill and the closing music begins to play ]
[ Steve leads the cast and musical guests past the band stage, where he hangs out and jams with them as the cast and musical guests continue to walk past ]
Announcer: Next Saturday Night, our host will be Buck Henry with musical guest Andrew Gold and James Cleveland. Tonight’s Don Pardo’s Announcer’s costume was entirely hand-made! Good night!
[ as the credits continue to roll, we cut to the crew picking up all the equipment in London at daybreak, as Father Guido Sarducci loiters on the sidewalk nearby ]
[ return to the studio, with Steve still jamming with the band ]
…..Jane Curtin Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello
Jane Curtin: Good evening! It’s been 122 days since Paul McCartney was arrested in Japan for possession of marijuana; and it’s been 122 days since Paul McCartney last smoked marijuana. now, Weekend Update continues to bring you the most comprehensive coverage of this crisis. We sent to England the same correspondent who almost got an exclusive interview with Paul in a Tokyo priosn. Of course, I’m referring to our own Father Guido Sarducci. Even though it’s 4:30 in the morning over there, we’ve set up a live satellite feed with Father Sarducci in London. Father, are you there?
Father Guido Sarducci: [ via satellite; hair braided ] Hello, Jane. I’m a-standing here in front of-a where Paul McCartney is a-staying in the West End section of London, England.
Jane Curtin: Is Paul there with you, Father?
Father Guido Sarducci: Well, a-not yet, Jane. But he’ll be a-down at any moment, Jane. This here, this is-a his a-office. And up-a there on the second floor, that’s-a his apartment. He’s been holed up-a there since he was-a paroled from a-prison. [ throws penny at window; it bounces off unnoticed ] Secoind floor up there. He should be down-a any minute now. Hey.. I bet you’re a-wondering about my hair, right?
Jane Curtin: It does look a little different.
Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you! This is-a the latest in Italy.. it’s called a Corn Roll. Some people, they call it “Maize Roll”. There’s a new movie just-a come out about a month ago – it’s called “Diez”, it means Number 10. There’s-a a girl in-a the movie, she’s-a real pretty, they say she’s-a real Diez, you know? She’s got hair just-a like this, and all-a the women in Italy, they went and had this. And then this actor, his name is Victor Gasmann – very famous, wonderful actor – came in with his hair like this, and now men have it, too. Costs me 40,000 lira – a lot of money, but I tell you it’s worth it, you know, ’cause they said you could-a leave it like this for-a four or-a five months – don’t have to wash it or nothing!
Jane Curtin: Father, thanks for telling us about your hair, but is Paul McCartney there or not?
Father Guido Sarducci: Well, of course-a he is! This is-a where he’s been a-hiding ever since he’s been-a paroled – I told you that. He’ll be right down any minute now.. if you’ll hold your horses, he’ll be down..
Jane Curtin: Father, you told us you had a definite appointment set up with him for 11:30!
Father Guido Sarducci: That’s right, I did. I sent him a certified letter, and-a everything. But, you know, I think what happened was, he got-a the time messed up. You see, I told him 11:30, but over here now it’s 4:30 in the morning.. and I think, probably, he thought I meant 11:30 England time. It’s a long story, but what it is – the time changes as you travel across-a the ocean. It goes-a like this – every thousand miles, time changes one hour. You know, like, in-a New York-a now, it’s 11:30; then, in Iceland, it’s-a 12:30; then..
Jane Curtin: Father, Father, you said you had it all set up, that Paul McCartney would open the show for us. That’s why we spent so much money to hook up this live remote from London.
Father Guido Sarducci: Well, I think it’s just a matter of a moment, before he wakes up and comes-a down here. You just have to be-a patient.. what it is, it’s trans-atlantic, it seems like that.. it’s very complicated..
Jane Curtin: Father, I don’t think we can wait any longer. We’ve got to start the show.
Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. I guess I could get somebody else to open the show.. but I know Paul is gonna be very, very disappointed..
Jane Curtin: I’m sure he’ll understand.
Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. there’s a lot of people here.. [ points offscreen ] Here’s a fellow, a milkman.. Buddy? Could you come over here a minute, please? Do me a little favor? [ Milkman walks up ] Hey, listen, if you would, please, look into the camera, and I want you to read that.. [ hands him note ] ..if you would, please..
Milkman: [ reads note ] “Live, from New York and London, it’s Saturday Night.”
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Strother Martin!
Strother Martin: Thank you, thank you. (bows, waits for applause to die down) You know, I’ve been watching this show for years and I’ve always wondered how they pick the hosts. Well, this week I found out. I was in a restaurant here in New York and I noticed a group of strangers at another table. They seemed kind of rowdy, and they kept staring at me. Well, this happens to me all the time because I’m a character actor. I’m the kind of person you know you’ve seen before but you can’t always remember where. Finally, one of the strangers came over to my table and said that they were all from Saturday Night Live and that he was the producer. And then he told me how much they all admired my work. And then he asked me if I could the show some time, and I said “sure”. And he took my number. Well, I didn’t think much about it until the next morning when I got a call from the producer and he asked me if I could do the show this week! I said, “sure”. And he said, “That’s great, Tennessee”. Tennessee? It was then that I realized that they had mistaken me for the playwright Tennessee Williams. You know, in this business I’ve learned that when opprotunity knocks you grab it by the throat. So all through reherasals I was glad to talk about The Glass Menagerie, Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, wonderful plays, even if I didn’t write them. But, it has been a great week anyway. And as Blanche DuBois said, “I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers”. We’ll be right back!
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello …..Paul McCartney …..Linda McCartney
Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. the penny hitting the window didn’t-a work; my serenade didn’t-a work; but I know this is gonna work – a rock! [ turns around, throws rock at window, the lights turn on immediately ] That’s an old gossip columnist-a trick – Miss Rona toaught me-a that one. It’s works every time, he’ll be out I know it, you can-a bet on it! He’s coming, this is it, I can’t-a believe it!
[ Paul McCartney walks outside ]
Paul McCartney: What’s going on here?
Father Guido Sarducci: That rock, it was the milkman.. he did it, and then ran.
Paul McCartney: It wasn’t you?
Father Guido Sarducci: No, it wasn’t me. I’m-a here to do the interview. You know, I wrote you about it and everything, a registered letter..
Paul McCartney: Yeah, but that was supposed to be 11:30 last night, though.. I mean, you know.. it’s five in the morning now..
Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. it’s a long-a story.. There was a time change, you didn’t hear about it? It’s like, every piece of land is one hour less than the other one. It’s a long story.. it’s really involved, it gets a little technical, I don’t think you want to go into it, but that’s the reason..
Paul McCartney: Listen, could we do this tomorrow? ‘Cause, I mean, really, it’s awful late..
Father Guido Sarducci: This is live! Look at this, it’s live television! This a hook-up satellite to the United States. This is it, now, let’s do it! You know what I want to ask you: Is it true that you haven’t had any marijuana in 122 days – yes or no?
Paul McCartney: [ sighs ] It was my understanding that we were just going to talk about the videotape, you know? Are they showing it yet?
Father Guido Sarducci: No, it’s still coming up.. But I just would like to ask you a couple of questions first. Just a couple.
Paul McCartney: Alright, that’s fine. Just as long as they are questions about the tape – just the tape, okay?
Father Guido Sarducci: It has to be questions about the tape? Well.. [ thinking ] ..how long did it take to make-a the tape?
Paul McCartney: Well, it took a lot of time, actually, because I play a lot of different roles on the tape. It’s only about four minutes long itself, but it took over a week to shoot it.
Father Guido Sarducci: If you was still smoking, do you think it would have taken longer or shorter?
Paul McCartney: Well, it might have taken longer.. but it might have seemed shorter than that. But I don’t see how that matters..
Father Guido Sarducci: Well, it would have taken longer, but it would have seemed shorter, that’s your answer?
[ Linda McCartney joins the party ]
Linda McCartney: I thought you were coming at 11:30?
Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. Paul got the time mixed up. It’s a long, long story, but it’s-a like, every piece of land is an hour earlier, and live far aay, so it’s really, really early there..
Paul McCartney: Linda’s in the tape, too.
Linda McCartney: Yeah, Paul plays ten of the characters, and I play two backup singers – one’s a fella.
Paul McCartney: Yeah, you know, most of the characters are based on certain definite people – I mean, for instance, you’ve got the keyboard player of The Sparks, and you’ve got Hank Marvin of The Shadows, you probably know them.
Father Guido Sarducci: Hank Marvin? Well, I’ve heard of him, but I don’t know him personally..
Paul McCartney: Well, we have this saxophone section, and there’s this hippie guy at the end of it. Well, he kind of gets all the stuff wrong..
Linda McCartney: Oh, he’s my favorite, the hippie guy! The sax section is really in time – while they’re going forward, the hippie’s always out of tune and time, he goes back, and..
Paul McCartney: The dancing I have to do is, like, real complicated to do, you know? I have to imagine the people.. it’s..
Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, I bet it is real hard to dance when you’re not stoned, am I right?
Paul McCartney: It wasn’t easy, but.. uh.. are you gonna show the tape?
Father Guido Sarducci: Yes. We are gonna show the tape, for sure. But I just want to aks you one more question, if you don’t mind. It’s very important, people want to know..
Paul McCartney: It’s not about marijuana, right?
Father Guido Sarducci: No.. This is a question I really hate to ask you, ’cause I know everyone always asks you this-a question, but I’m a journalist, I have to do it, if you don’t mind. Paul: If, just-a if, you could be any animal, what would it-a be?
Paul McCartney: Any animal?
Father Guido Sarducci: Any animal.
Paul McCartney: [ thinking ] Koala bear.
Father Guido Sarducci: Koala bear! Did you hear? Koala bear! Is that the little animal all the time, they eat eucalypse leaves, they get-a stoned all the time! Well, you heard it – koals bear! Well, that’s it. And you can take it back, America!