Buck Henry: Thank you all for coming! Good night… [ he holds his arm up ] and goodbye!
[ everyone waves sentimentally as the credits begin to roll ]
Announcer: Next Saturday night, an encore presentation of “Saturday Night Live”, with host Howard Hesseman and musical guest Randy Newman. This is the original Don Pardo — you can tell by the way I say… “Good night.”
[ suddenly, Buck Henry steps off the stage, creating a pyramid effect as everyone follows him through the audience ]
[ the camera cuts to the exterior of Studio 8-H, doors opened and marked “Please Do Not Enter This Studio With Coffee or Food” and “No Smoking” ]
[ Buck Henry and the cast and musical guests exit the studio single-file and exit the camera rangr into their uncertain futures ]
[ the camera zooms in on the flashing “ON AIR” sign, which promptly goes dark as the last of the line exits the studio ]
[ fade ]
… Buck Henry Lucy Lawler … Liz Welch, SNL talent scout Gary Lipton … Walter Williams, creator of Mr. Bill Norma Jenkins … Mary Moore Lee Mayman … Lee Mayman, scenic designer Carl Quackenbush … Matt Neuman, writer Robin Shurmerhorn … Robin Shlien, production assistant Ron Waldo … Don Pardo, NBC staff announcer
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Buck Henry!
Buck Henry: Thank you. Hi, everybody. Thanks verymuch. It is wonderful to be back again. You know, thisis the one hundred and sixth Saturday Night Liveprogram. [applause] Yes. And it is the one hundred andthird time that I’ve hosted. You know, I’ve alwayshosted the last show of the year and this is the lastshow of the year. Some people, in fact, think it mightbe the last Saturday Night show ever. [audience groansand boos] But don’t worry! Because I’m here toannounce that Saturday Night Live will be back againnext year. [prolonged cheers and applause]
Not with the same people, of course. But with anentirely new cast of young, fresh, talented people toreplace the ones who were let go. And I’m sure – I’msure that these new kids are gonna grow on ya becausethey’re the cream of the crop of – of hundreds whoauditioned for the – the former producer and I – Ireally look forward to working with them and the newproducer in the years ahead, so let’s meet thesebright and funny newcomers! First, from Midland,Texas, Lucy Lawler! [tall brunette wearing jeans,rainbow-hued shirt and orange cap enters and joinsBuck, they stand with their arms around each other]Hi, Luce.
Lucy Lawler: Hello, Buck.
Buck Henry: I bet they’re going to be calling you “TheSweetheart of Saturday Night Live” pretty soon, Lucy.
Lucy Lawler: Well, to tell you the truth, I’m a littlenervous.
Buck Henry: That’s all right. It’s understandable.Gilda Radner was just as nervous when she firststepped out here five years ago. I helped her and I’llhelp you, too, if you know what I mean. [slyly bumpshis hip against hers]
Lucy Lawler: Well, thank you, Mr. Henry.
Buck Henry: You call me Buck from now on.
Lucy Lawler: Okay, Buck. [waves to the audience andwalks upstage]
Buck Henry: Now! Here’s a guy who besides being a finecomedian, plays many, many musical instruments.Welcome Gary Lipton! [thin, pale, bearded man wearinga black shirt made to look like a tuxedo enters andshakes hands with Buck] Hey, Gar. Gary, just how manymusical instruments do you actually play?
Gary Lipton: Oh, uh, well, uh, I can get a sound outof about twenty instruments.
Buck Henry: That’s fantastic! [to the camera] Okay!Next! [Gary Lipton awkwardly retreats upstage andjoins Lucy Lawler] A really funny lady originally fromCincinatti, Ohio and here’s Norma Jenkins. [plumpAfrican-American woman in overalls runs outenthusiastically and joins Buck] Hey, have you – haveyou done much television before, Norma?
Norma Jenkins: Uh, just a local show in Cincinatti.But it was on the same station that Mike Douglasstarted on.
Buck Henry: Okay, well, that’s good enough for us. Isay: “Bye bye, Garrett Morris — Hello, Norma!”
Norma Jenkins: All right! [pumps hands in the air andjoins the other cast members, forming a line upstage]
Buck Henry: Now! It’s time to meet a former member ofa fabulous comedy team and his name is Lee Mayman![short, bespectacled young man wearing a green shirtthat reads: “I’M LEE MAYMAN AND YOU’RE NOT” enters andjoins Buck] How you doin’, Lee? Lee, I understand youused to be a former member of a comedy team.
Lee Mayman: That’s right, Buck. It was called Holmanand Mayman.
Buck Henry: Mm hmm.
Lee Mayman: You might remember our William Tell bit.
Buck Henry: [after a pause] Lee Mayman, everybody![Lee Mayman joins his fellow cast members upstage]Okay. Now, let’s meet a guy who bills himself as – as”The Walking Loony Bin” — that’s what it says anyway.Let’s meet Carl Quackenbush! [bespectacled man infrock coat and carrying a cigar enters doing animitation of Groucho Marx’s famous crouch and joinsBuck] Well, Carl, are you gonna be the next BillMurray?
Carl Quackenbush: [sounds just like Groucho] Icertainly hope not.
Buck Henry: “I certainly hope not”! If that’s the kindo’ comedy we can expect from this guy, I think we’rein for some big belly laughs this fall! [CarlQuackenbush heads upstage] Okay, folks, let’s meetRobin Shurmer– [has trouble reading the cue card]Shurmer – Robin – Robin Shurmerhorn! [cute brunette ina floral blouse enters and joins Buck] Robin! Did Ipronounce that correctly?
Robin Shurmerhorn: Yes, it’s Shurmerhorn.
Buck Henry: [slight pause] Well, thank you, Robin.Okay! [Robin Shurmerhorn heads upstage] And last -last, folks, but not least, here’s Ron Waldo![sixty-something year old man in a blue jogging suitruns out and joins Buck]
Ron Waldo: Heeey! Buck! Thank you.
Buck Henry: Now, Ron, they say you do a greatimitation of Don Pardo.
Ron Waldo: That’s right, Buck. [flawless imitation ofDon Pardo] “It’s Saturday Night Live!!!”
Buck Henry: That’s terrific. Terrific, Ron. Okay. [RonWaldo joins the others upstage, by now they’re alllined up behind Buck] There you have it, ladies andgentlemen. How about a big hand for these stars of thefuture? [Buck steps aside and we pull back to view theentire new cast lined up, waving to the audience whocheer and applaud. Finally, Buck steps forward andraises a hand.] All of them – all of these kids aregonna be spending the summer at NBC’s Comedy Camp inupstate New York – studying assiduously under thesupervision of NBC’s dean of comedy workshops, Mr.John Barbour! So, these kids will be back in the fallbut – we’ll be right back!
[Applause. Wider shot of the new cast waving, Buckjerks a thumb at them, nodding and smilingsupportively.]
Nick “Lava”…..Bill Murray …..Paul Shaffer Prince Amanawahu…..Akira Yoshimura Iris de Flaminio…..Jane Curtin Richard Posniak…..Buck Henry Lenora Posniak…..Laraine Newman Joe Daddy…..Al Franken …..Yvonne Hudson Farrell Jones…..Garrett Morris Kathy Gorley…..Gilda Radner Woman at bar…..Anne Beatts
[ open on interior, Trader Nick’s, as Nick the Lounge Singer performs ]
Nick “Lava”: [ singing ]“He’s a cop from Oaho, who gets lots of sun Famous Steve McGarrett! And he packs a gu-u-u-u-un!”
Come on, Paul!
“If you need his number It’s Hawaii Five-0!”
Thank you! Thank you! Welcome to Trader Nick’s, a little bit of the Hawaiian Islands right here in the Buffalo-Niagara Falls area. I’m your host, Nick “Lava”, and I’ll be humping my volcano ash for you, for the next little while or so. Hot day today? I know I built up a Hawaiian-sized thirst. I hope you take advantage of our exotic Polynesian specialties here at Trader Nick’s. THe man who put the “hi” in “Hawaiian”, a full-blooded Hawaiian — Prince Amanawahu. How you doing, Prince?
[ pan over to Prince Amanawahu working the blender ]
He’s busy working his magic right now, so let’s ask one of the prince’s lovely barmaidens — Princes Iris? [ Iris de Flaminio looks up ] Princess, would you point us down the dark road tonight?
Iris de Flaminio: [ husky-voiced ] Sure thing! For a night you may not remember, but you’ll never forget… I recommend the Kamikazee or the Missionary’s Downfall. But if you really want to get out of the blocks fast, try Trader Nick’s specialty — the Coconut Head Butter. It’s got three different fruit juices and five ounces of Bacardi 1-5-1. I gotta serve the drinks, Nick.
Nick “Lava”: [ laughing ] Yes, you do! And tell her why, Paul.
[ singing ]Oh, you may be the ambassador to England or Paree, France You might like to gamble down in Atlantic City, you might like to dance disco-style. You might be like Mohammed Ali, the heavyweight champion of the world Or you might be at Trader Nick’s, serving insane guys and girls! But you’re gonna have to SERVE somebody!”
Iris de Flaminio: [ singing ] “SERVE somebody!”
Nick “Lava”: And on a night like this, you young fellows are gonna have to TIP somebody, too! HUh?
Iris de Flaminio: TIP somebody, I’m SERIOUS!
Nick “Lava”: [ singing ]“You might be prince of a lifetime, or a couple of Navy frogs But you’re gonna have to serve somebodyyyy!”
Somebody… anybody… for heaven’s sake! [ the room claps ] Hey! Aloha! Aloha, folks! How’s it going? How are you?
Richard Posniak: Oh, I guess we’re alright, this is our second Fog Cutter.
Nick “Lava”: [ laughing ] What’s your name, and where are you from?
Richard Posniak: I’m Mr. Richard Posniak, and we’re from Room 208 in the Castle Court Motel, just across the highway. [ he holds up his room key ]
Lenora Posniak: I’m Lenora Posniak. We have three kids in the room who finally fell asleep, and we’re here to forget the day!
Nick “Lava”: [ chuckling ] Having trouble on the vacation or something, huh?
Lenora Posniak: [ aggravated ] It’s not vacationing! We were relocated today from the Love Canal.
Nick “Lava”: Well, I’ll tell you… I’ve been following that story, and, you know, boy, I got a scare the other day. All of a sudden, I got one of these headaches in the back, everything tensed up, I started to go black, I thought: “Oh, my God! You know? Love Canal.” And then I realized, I’d been chugging frozen coladas all day! So, you know, I just cut back on my pace, and I’m fine now.
Richard Posniak: Good for you, Nick. How would you like to buy a 3-bedroom house real cheap?
Nick “Lava”: Hey — another round of Fog Cutters for this couple. They’re on Uncle Sam. This one’s for you, huh? Let’s do it. Hey, I hope you don’t move in with those Cubans, that would really be too bad.
[ Nick stands and sings ]
“Kiss today goodbye And forget about tomorrow. You did what you had to doooooo Won’t regret! Can’t forget! What you did for love. What you did for love. What you did for love.”
Bless you. Thank you. [ to a group of high-schoolers ] Hey! What’s happening over at this table?
Teens: [ chanting ]“We’re poison ivy! It’s our thing! We do what we want to do! Yayyyyyyyy, canker sores!”
Nick “Lava”: Okay, calm down, fellows. We’ve been very nice about not checking ID tonight, so let’s all behave and act like the nice mature, responsible adults I know you are. What’s your name, fellow?
Joe Daddy: Joe Daddy, Co-Captain.
Nick “Lava”: Okay. And who are you? Could you stand, please?
Yvonne Hudson: [ she stands ] Hi, I’m Yvonne Hudson, and this is my Love Jones!
Nick “Lava”: Love Jones?
Farrell Jones: [ standing ] Yeah, that’s right! Farrell Jones, Co-Captain and all-around love messenger! Uh, him and me, we’re co-captains of the baseball and the, you know, the football team.
Joe Daddy: Yeah, he played shortshop and halfback, and, uh, I was catcher and monster man!
Nick “Lava”: Well, that’s great. Enjoy, enjoy. And who is this lovely queen? Could you stand, please, lady? How are you?
Nick “Lava”: And how did you get to be the prom queen?
Kathy Gorley: How’d you get into show business, Trader?
Nick “Lava”: Well, I wasn’t elected unanimously! [ he laughs ] Well, you all nurse those Coconut Head Butters. Prom Night is a night to have fun, but let me tell you first sbout my prom, if you wnt to know about prom nights. I wrapped my old man’s Impala around an oak tree. I walked away, but my fiancee rode shotgun — she did not. The whole class went to her funeral two days later, it was a closed casket. So think about that later, on the way home. [ to Joe Daddy ] Do you have a theme for tonight’s prom?
Joe Daddy: [ sobering up ] Uh… “Stairway to Heaven”.
Nick “Lava”: [ to Paul ] Do I know that? [ Paul hits the piano ] Yeah. Led Zeppelin, right? I guess you’re probably a little too young to remember their first album, huh? “Communication Breakdown”? Well, enjoy. I’ll try to do it anyway.
[ singing ]“And as we wind on down the road! Our shadows taller than our soul! There walks a lady we all know Who shines white light and wants to show! How everything still turns to gold. And if you listen very hard The tune will come to you at last! When all are one and one is all To be a rock and not to rolllllllllllllllllllllllllll!!
And she’s… buying… a stairway… to heaven.”
[ the crowd bursts into applause ]
Aloha! Aloha! Aloha! Enjoy.
[ camera pulls back on set, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Saturday Night Live Garage Sale” ]
[ fade ]
Paul Heverly…..Bill Murray Dick Drake…..Harry Shearer Countess Luciana Palermo…..Jane Curtin Leon Satin…..Garrett Morris Hugh Gaffney…..Buck Henry
[ open on panelists whispering among themselves over jazzy music ]
[ camera zooms in on Paul Heverly as the music fades ]
Paul Heverly: Good evening. Welcome to “Week in Review”. I’m your moderator, Paul Heverly. Well, it’s been a busy week in the news, and, uh, we have a lot to discuss. I can see that our panelists are anxious to get started, so let’s introduce them. First, our regulars: from The New York Post, Dick Drake.
[ SUPER: “Dick Drake (Pseudonym) New York Post” ]
…from the Midnight Globe, Countess Luciana Palermo.
[ SUPER: “Leon Satin (Nom de Plume) National Enquirer” ]
…and our special guest, making his first appearance on the show, political analyst for the New York Times, Hugh Gaffney.
[ SUPER: “Hugh Gaffney, New York Times” ]
Paul Heverly: Is that your real name, Hugh?
Hugh Gaffney: [ confused ] Yes.
Paul Heverly: Huh. Huh. Well, Dick, let’s start with you: What’s the week’s top story?
Dick Drake: Well, Nick, I’d say this week’s top story HAS to be the woman whose baby was eaten by the German Shephard.
Paul Heverly: Now, Dick, you followed that story perhaps more closely than the rest of us. Was she a Devil worshipper?
Dick Drake: No. No, no, no. There was some speculation to that early in the week, but, in essence, she was a heroin addict, she simply left her alone in the apartment for several days with the German Shephard. I think every analyst would agree the dog had nothing to eat, and as a result ate the child.
Leon Satin: Uhhhh — man, you really think that’s a bigger story than the DIET that lets you eat ALL the chocolate you want… and STILL lose twenty pounds a week? Hmm?
Dick Drake: Well… let me put it this way: If there’d been one more just slightly bizarre twist the the German Shephard story —
Leon Satin: Yeah.
Dick Drake: Let’s sayyyyy she’d been on her way to the prom, for example, or… just won the lottery the night her baby was eaten. I think we’d be talking about one of the most significant stories of the year.
ountess Luciana Palermo: More significant than Loni Anderson’s operation to reduce her breast size?
Dick Drake: Well, I just don’t think anybody was surprised by that, believe it or not.
Hugh Gaffney: [ interrupting ] I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! But… wouldn’t you say that the TOP story was the Presidential race, that Carter and Reagan seem to have nailed down their parties’ nominations! [ he smiles satisfactorily but gets no response ]
Paul Heverly: Well, Countess, your paper ran a very big story this week on the Kennedy campaign.
Dick Drake: Yes, Nick! As you know, we learned that immediately after the accident at Chappaquiddick, the first person Teddy called was not his wife or a close advisor, but an attractive, busty German divorcee Helga Wagner.
Paul Heverly: I understand your paper printed a verbatim transcript of their phone conversation?
ountess Luciana Palermo: Oh, yes! It was a psychic reconstruction of the conversation, which we ran completely unedited.
Dick Drake: Countess. Am I wrong on this, or was she on her way to her Senior prom when she received the phone call from Kennedy?
ountess Luciana Palermo: Oh, nooooo. But wouldn’t it have been something if she HAD been?
Paul Heverly: Leon, with the summer months coming up, can we look forward to any more cattle mutilations or hammer murders? Uh, perhaps some manifestations of the spirit of Elvis Presley speaking through people’s air conditioner vents?
Leon Satin: Uhhh, certainly, man! It’s going to be a loooooong, hot summer! No question about that. BUT! I think the story that’s just NOT going to go away… is 10 Ways to Beat the Heat!
[ the panelists agree, as Hugh waves his hand ]
Paul Heverly: Hugh? You have a thought?
Hugh Gaffney: Yes. I’m sorry, I just can’t help but think that the economy is one of the major stories at the moment, simply because it affects SO many people.
[ the panelists stare silently at Hugh ]
Dick Drake: Well, I think perhaps what Hugh is trying to get at, is that when times are tough, people will be under a lot of emotional pressure. I think, if it’s me, I think we’ll see MORE stewardesses thrown in front of suburban trains, MORE groups of Japanese tourists doused with gasoline and set on fire — I agree with you.
Hugh Gaffney: Uh, no — I was thinking more of the effect of the recession on the average family.
ountess Luciana Palermo: [ excited ] Ohhhh! You mean like the Detroit auto worker with eight kids, who was laid off from his assembly-line job!
Hugh Gaffney: Yes!
ountess Luciana Palermo: And he went a little crazy, murdered his entire family and buried them in the neighbor’s back yard!
Hugh Gaffney: No! No!
Dick Drake: If I’m not mistaken, Countess, wasn’t that the night of his eldest daughter’s Senior Prom?
Hugh Gaffney: NO!
Dick Drake: No, I recall that.
Hugh Gaffney: That’s not — that’s not it!
Paul Heverly: Hugh, this sounds like a fascinating story. But, uh, unfortunately, we’ve run out of time. Perhaps you could come back on the show and you could tell us the story of this insane auto worker.
Dick Drake: I’d like to hear more about that.
Hugh Gaffney: I — I —
Paul Heverly: I’d like to thank our regulars — a berzerk auto worker! — I’d like to thank our regulars and our special guest. Hguh Gaffney. Good night from “Weeke in Review”.
[ jazzy them music pots back up, as a disgruntled Hugh Gaffney rises to shove copies of the New York Times into his briefcase ]
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] For a transcript of this program, send 75-cents to: THE WEEK IN REVIEW Suite 200 G Palm Court Motor Hotel Hollywood, Florida ]
[ fade ]
Betty…..Jane Curtin Uncle Roy…..Buck Henry Terri…..Laraine Newman Tracy…..Gilda Radner
[ open on Betty’s living room, as the doorbell rings ]
[ Bety rushes downstairs to answer the door to Roy ]
Betty: Oh, Roy, come in!
Uncle Roy: [ entering ] Long time, no see, Betty!
Betty: Now, it’s been too long, Roy, and I feel really badly about it. It’s just that my husband simply can’t phantom a 45-year old bachelor who wants to babysit a pair of BRATS for free.
Uncle Roy: [ laughing ] By the way, where is Arthur?
Betty: In Cleveland, whooping it up at another one of those microsurgical parts conventions.
Uncle Roy: Ah! And where are you off to, Betty?
Betty: A dinner party, but I’ll try to slip away early.
Uncle Roy: [ alarmed ] No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You stay as long as you want!
Betty: Oh, you’re too good, Roy. Now, Roy, I know it was you, not Santa, who replaced Terri’s old frayed bicylce seat with a brand new one. Don’t think that went unnoticed.
Uncle Roy: [ grinning ] Did, uh… Arthur notice?
Betty: Oh, he took it totally in the wrong way. And, you know, he was even suspicious about that extravagant anniversary present you sent us? [ she ackknowledges the glass coffee table in front of them ]
Uncle Roy: Well, I always thought this room needed a glass coffee table! [ he chuckles ] Anyway, where are my little darlings?
Betty: Oh! [ she walks over to the foot of the stairs ] Come on down, girls! I have a surprise for you! [ to Roy ] They’re gonna be SO excited, Roy!
Terri & Tracy: WE WILL!! GOODBYE, MOMMY!! GOODBYE!! HAVE A GOOD TIME!!
[ Betty exits ]
Terri: Oh, GOSH, we MISSED you, Uncle Roy! We asked Daddy to play Invisible Leg Doctor, and he didn’t even know how!
Tracy: Yeah! And, Uncle Roy, remember the time you filled the bathtub all up with water and went bobbing for bananas?
Uncle Roy: [ smiling ] I remember!
Terri: Yeah, and remember when you showed us Jumbo the One-Eared Elephant?
Tracy: Yeah! And… and… and the time you were Ruffy the Dog, and we de-wormed you?
Uncle Roy: Oh, yes! It was fun! And, if I’m not mistaken, Ruffy was gonna bury his bone in your backyard.
Terri: Yeahhhh! Hey, Uncle Roy — [ she stands on her head on the couch, with her butt sticking out ] What am I?
Uncle Roy: [ near drooling ] Too good to be true!
Terri: [ standing up ] No! I’m an ostrich with my head buried in the sand.
Tracy: Yeah! I’m an ostrich, too! [ they both bury their heads in the couch with their butts sticking out ] Look at me, look at me!
Uncle Roy: [ excited ] I’m looking! I’m looking! Now, girls, girls — I think that we are ready to play Uncle Roy Cousteau! [ he stands ] So, Tracy… Terri… let’s go deep sea diving in Uncle Roy’s pants!
Terri: [ digging in his pockets ] Yayyyyy! What are we looking for?
Uncle Roy: You’re looking for saltwater taffy! But I warn you — there are all kinds of STRANGE things lurking in the ocean! You might find precious pearls, or tangled beds of seaweed, and watch out for that old electric eel!
Tracy: Oh, wow! I found some candy!
Terri: Yay! Me, too! [ they eat their taffy ] Oh! Uncle Roy! Can we play Goofy Sisters?
Uncle Roy: Oh! What a good idea! Now, you run upstairs and get the panty hats! Okay? Go on! You go upstairs and fetch all your DIRTY little underthings! [ the girls run upstairs ] That’s right! Get them all, bring them all down! Don’t leave anything out!
Tracy: Okay, here we come! [ they slide down the banister ] Yayyyyy!! Here we come!
Uncle Roy: That’s a good girl!
Tracy: We got all the panties!
[ the girls jump onto the couch ]
Uncle Roy: Okay. Alright, give me the panty hats now. Uncle Roy has to play, too. That’s right! [ he puts a panty over his head and sniffs ] These are Terri’s… [ he puts another panty over his head ] And these are Tracy’s.
Tracy: [ laughing ] Oh! Uncle Roy always guesses right!
[ the girls put panties on their heads ]
Uncle Roy: Now, girls, I’ve got an idea! Goofy Uncle Roy Cousteau is going to take the Goofy Sisters for a ride in the glass-bottom boat! This is for the back page of the Goofy News!
Terri & Tracy: Yayyyyy!! Yeah, that’s good!! Here we go!!
[ Tracy and Terri pull up their pajamas and sit on top of the glass coffee table, as Roy lies down underneath and begins to take pictures ]
[ suddenly, Better re-enters and approaches the scene ]
Betty: I hope I’m not interrupting anything.
Terri & Tracy: Hi, Mommy!! Hi, Mommy!!
Uncle Roy: [ panicking, still underneath the coffee table ] I can explain EVERYTHING!! Uh…
Betty: There’s no need to explain. I know a Goofy Sisters phot session when I see one. [ amused ] Roy, what you let these MONSTERS get away with! [ Roy crawls up to the surface ] Oh, now, girls… you should be more respectful of your Uncle Roy. Now, anyway, it’s WAY past your bedtime! Now, MARCH! Come on!
Terri & Tracy: Ohhh, okay…
Tracy: Good night, Uncle Roy! Please come back! Don’t forget us!
Uncle Roy: Good night! Sweet dreams!
Terri & Tracy: Good night, Mom!!
[ the girls kiss Uncle Roy good night and run upstairs ]
Betty: Oh, dear… [ she chuckles ]
Uncle Roy: What are you doing back so early, Betty?
Betty: Well, the fact is, Roy, I couldn’t face making small talk when the real truth is… [ she removes Roy’s panty hat ] Oh, I hate to burden you with this, Roy, but… [ she sighs ] I think I’m on the verge of a divorce.
Uncle Roy: [ stunned ] What do you mean?
Betty: This is the third microsurgical convention in two months. Roy, I’m convinced that Arthur’s seeing someone else.
Uncle Roy: You deserve BETTER than that, Betty!
Betty: That’s why I thought I’d leave Arthur and move back to San Francisco with the girls.
Uncle Roy: [ alarmed ] NO!! NO!!
Betty: Oh, I know what you’re thinking, Roy! I’ll be uprooting them, taking them out of school…
Uncle Roy: Call me an old fogey, if you will, but marriage is for KEEPS! [ he grabs the panty hat from her ] You’ve GOT to think of the girls! That’s who I’m thinking of.
Betty: You know… you’re right? I guess I was just being selfish!
Uncle Roy: [ hopeful ] And you won’t take the girls away?
Betty: [ thinking ] No, I… guess I’ll stick it out. Thanks for the shoulder, it’s… it’s a shame every family can’t have an Uncle Roy. You’re one in a million!
Uncle Roy: [ slyly ] Oh, there’s… more of me than you might suspect! [ he holds the panty hat to his face and smiles ]
[ zoom out on set, with SUPER: “Coming up next… Cable Tunnelvision” ]
[ fade ]
Jim Lange…..Bill Murray Iris de Flaminio…..Jane Curtin Shonda The Cat Lady…..Laraine Newman Colleen Fernman…..Gilda Radner Don Johnson…..Bob Newhart Rod Serling…..Harry Shearer
[ open on game show set, “Spanish Flea” playing, as Jim Lange rushes onstage ]
Jim Lange: Hello, out there! I’m Jim Lange, and I hope you’re ready to play America’s favorite past time — “The Dating Zone”! Before I introduce tonight’s lucky bachelor, why don’t we get to know tonight’s three lucky bachelorettes? And heeeeeeee’re they arrrrrrrre!
[ the set slowly swivels around to reveal tonight’s three bachelorettes ]
Jim Lange: Bachelorette #1 hails from The Bronx, New York — she collects swizzle sticks and cocktail napkins; a former go-go dancer, she hopes one day to be a go-go dancer again; meet: Iris de Flaminio!
Bachelorette #2 comes to us from Marina del Ray — she enjoys decorating with snakes and piercing delicate tissue with hot-rinse precision tools, with whipped potatoes from 50 feet; let’s say Hello to Shonda the Cat Lady!
And Bachelorette #3 is the Mata Hari of the group — we don’t know where she’s from, and she doesn’t know where she’s from; her hobbies are staring and trying to milk animals that don’t give milk; her favorite vegetable is herself, just kidding! Let’s meet Colleen Fernman!
Now, it’s time to meet the lucky guy who gets to score with one of these luscious lovelies — and I don’t mean Poise! [ he guffaws at his joke ] Let’s make him feel welcome — Don Johnson!
[ Don steps out relunctantly, carrying a bag of groceries ]
Jim Lange: Well, Don, I guess you’re just rarin’ to go!
Don Johnson: [ confused ] I — uh — see, I don’t belong here. This, uh — there’s been some mistake. I-I-I need to get back home, my wife’s waiting for me.
Jim Lange: It looks like loverboy’s got a case of the jitters! Okay, Don — have you got your prepared questions? [ he takes Don’s groceries ]
Don Johnson: Mmm… uh — no.
Jim Lange: Well, look in your breast pocket there!
[ Don begins to fish through his pockets, as “The Twilight Zone” music plays and the camera pans over to a dark stage with Rod Serling standing in the middle ]
Rod Serlinge: Meet Don Johnson. He’s an ordinary man who goes out to pick up a few groceries for his wife. On his way home, he innocently accepts a free ticket to a TV game show, and finds himself trapped in a nightmare for which there is… no escape. Soon, he will be forced to choose between… [ slow pan across the bachelorettes ] Bachelorette #1, a sagging, burned-out boozehound; or Bachelorette #2, a bizarre deviant with a talent for torture; or Bachelorette #3, a woman-child whose mind swims with wisps of a life once pathetic… now tragic. Poor Don Johnson. He has just stumbled into… “The Dating Zone.”
[ dissolve to title card ]
[ dissolve back to game show set ]
Jim Lange: Alright, Don “Juan” Johnson! Let’s let the good times roll with the first question!
Don Johnson: [ looking at the card in his hand ] Do I — do I have to read this?
Jim Lange: [ laughing ] Oh, come on, come on!
Don Johnson: You don’t understand — I-I love my wife.
Jim Lange: [ guffawing ] Come on!
Don Johnson: Alright, uh — [ reading the card ] “Bachelorette #1: If I were an ice cream cone… what would you do to me, and what flavor would you want me to be?” [ he grimaces ]
Iris de Flaminio: I would let you get HOT and MELT… and then I’d catch the driplets with my tongue. And I would hope that you’d be Rum Raisin!
Don Johnson: [ disturbed ] Oh… okay. [ reading next card ] Uh — “Bachelorette #2: What are the three things you’d consider essential for a great date?”
Shonda the Cat Lady: Uhhhh — uh, let’s see, um… manacles… raw meat… and, let’s see… a makeshift plywood pillory. Yeah.
[ Jim guffaws loudly and touches his wrist with a sizzle ]
Don Johnson: Who is — who is that? What’s she talking about?
Jim Lange: [ laughing ] Don, you’re just gonna have to wait and find out! Come on, come on!
Don Johnson: [ reading ] Uh — “Bachelorette #3: What animal would you say you are most like?”
[ Colleen bounces her head in every direction without saying a word ]
Don Johnson: Bachelorette #3? What animal would you say you are most like?
[ Colleen continues to bounce her head in every direction without saying a word ]
Don Johnson: #3? Is someone there?
Jim Lange: [ enjoying this ] In a way, yeah!
Don Johnson: Uh — #2: What animal?
Shonda the Cat Lady: Um — what’s that insect that bites the head off its mate during sex? You know the one? Um…
Don Johnson: Uh — a praying mantis?
Shonda the Cat Lady: Oh! Yeah. Yeah.
Don Johnson: Num– Number — #1?
Iris de Flaminio: I know this doesn’t exactly answer the question, but, in all honesty, I’d just like to sincerely say that I could show you a good time, sexually. I get a lot of guys who stay right through to the morning!
Don Johnson: Look, I’m — I’m — I’m a happily married man.
Jim Lange: Well, I don’t think these babes really give a hot damn whether you’re married or not, Don! So just go on and ask that next question, alright?
Don Johnson: Uh — [ he reads the card ] “Bechelorette #3: If you were doing a crossword puzzle, and you needed a 5-letter word for “Cat”, beginning with “P” and ending with “Y” –”
[ the theme music pots up ]
Jim Lange: Uh-oh! The time is up! Now, while Don decides, let’s hear some of the PRIZES our runners-up will receive! Don Pardo?
Announcer: Well, Jim — how about those Lapkiss Lucite Bar Stools? [ product slid appears ] The bar stools you LOVE to sit on! Or — [ new product slide appears ] How about a complete set of handsome Mexican Tourister Luggage? And, last but not least — [ new product slide appears ] An elegant Blt Buckle Hole Punch Kit by Fleschmaker! IF it’s a hole by Flaschmaker… you KNOW it’s not there!
[ dissolve back to Jim Lange ]
Jim Lange: Thank you, Don Pardo! And now the time of reckoning is upon us! Will it be… Bachelorette #1… Bachelorette #2… or Bachelorette #3?
Don Johnson: I — I can’t decide. I don’t want any of them. I — I mean, I don’t date!
Jim Lange: Well, now you do, Don! So, go on — make a selection.
Don Johnson: Uh — [ he shrugs ] Num– Number Three.
Jim Lange: Congratulations, #3! Come on, Don — let’s meet the bachelorettes you didn’t meet. Bachelorette #1: Say Hello to Iris de Flaminio! Coem on ot here, Iris!
Iris de Flaminio: [ stepping down ] You’ll NEVER know what you’re missing! You’re probably KICKING yourself right now, huh? [ she smacks Don playfully across the chest ]
Jim Lange: [ laughing ] And Bachelorette #2: Shonda the Cat Lady!
Shonda the Cat Lady: [ stepping down ] If you change your mind, I’ve got some tongue clamps back at my place!
Jim Lange: [ laughing ] You’re a good sport! And now, let’s meet our lucky winner — your date-to-be: Bachelorette #3! She’s a real space cadet, and hopes someday to have a personality! Meet Colleen Fernman! Colleen! [ she stretches out in her seat and glances around aimlessly ] Cooleen Fernman! [ she steps off in the wrong direction ] Colleen! [ she steps in the other direction ] Colleen Fernman! Come here, Colleen! [ she finally steps down ] Colleen Fernman! Colleen! [ she bumps into Don ] Ha, what a couple! You really look good together! [ she nuzzles against Don ] Well, I hope you both like to DANCE, because you’re gonna boogie ’til you DROP to the disco beat of Jerry Kravat’s Disco Orchestra in the revolving restaurant high atop the Holiday Inn in lovely Bakersfield, California! [ the audience cheers ] Oh, boy! Alright, you all ready to blow a big kiss? Alright?
[ Jim Lange blows a wet kiss to the audience and laughs, as the words “WET KISS” fly onto the screen ]
[ dissolve back to Rod Serling ]
Rod Serling: Submitted for your approval: Don Johnson, oppression’s minion… tyranny’s good sport. He accepted a free ticket and paid with his future. Now, he’s locked in an eternal hell fate… [ Colleen wanders past Serling ] In “The Dating Zone”!
Stephanie…..Laraine Newman Ronald Reagan…..Harry Shearer Niles…..Bill Murray Ed…..Steve Martin Nancy Reagan…..Jane Curtin Waiter…..Brian Doyle-Murray
[ open on restaurant setting, zoom in on table of Governor Ronald Reagan and his party ]
Stephanie: Governor, what do you think of President Carter’s policy on the influx of Cuban refugees?
Ronald Reagan: Well, I’d say the answer to that is… Maybe it’s time we put President Carter on welfare.
[ the group laughs ]
Niles: Governor, that’s very glib, but if my paper is going to endorse you in the Primary, we’ll need more than just cute one-liners.
Ed: Now, Niles, be fair — the man hasn’t finished his dinner yet, and already you want a State of the Union Address!
Stephanie: Well, I think Niles sometimes underestimates the value of a good one-liner. I mean, that’s what viewers seem to remember most about our newscasts — a good kicker line! I mean, we had one the other night. I think it was, uh… It was raining this month, too, and we had… we were doing a special series on how to lose weight. And my co-anchorperson, Bob Hawkins, just ad-libbed this line: “The more weight you lose… [ thinking ] the less of you there is to sweat!” Well, I want to tell you that switchboard went CRAZY! And the crew, of course… well, they loved it!
Ronald Reagan: [ smiling ] That’s great.
Niles: Governor, I know we don’t have you very much longer…
Ronald Reagan: No, and I’m sorry about that, but you know how tightly they schedule your time once it becomes pretty obvious that… you’re gonna win. Everybody wants a little piece of you. I think next time’s supposed to be at a potato festival in Boise!
Ed: Uh, Governor, for your own reference, the next appearance is at a Lion’s Club dinner in Seattle. The Potato Festival was last week.
Ronald Reagan: Oh, yes… yes, yes, that’s right. Nancy, that was where you sat on that cottage fry, wasn’t it, Mommy?
Nancy Reagan: No, dear, that was Denver.
Ronald Reagan: Yes… well. That’s substantially what I said.
Niles: Well, Governor, what about the hostages? Now, if we don’t back down… do we bomb our way in?
Ronald Reagan: Well, sir… I kind of look at it this way: Maybe it’s time we put the Ayatollah Khomeini on welfare!
[ the group laughs ]
Stephanie: Well, Governor, that would be one welfare mother we could do without, huh?
Ronald Reagan: [ he chuckles ] I think so!
Ed: Uh, on that note, I think we’re gonna have to blow the whistle here. But please be our guest for dinner, alright? [ he grabs the bill ]
Niles: No, no… we went over that before, Ed. Our paper has a policy that we never go out on anybody’s tab.
Ed: Now, come on — even the next President’s?
Niles: Anybody’s. Let’s divvy up the bill instead. [ he takes out some cash ]
Stephanie: I’m just thinking… I wonder if our station has a policy on that? [ Niles turns away ] I guess we do.
Ronald Reagan: Well… I had the uh, veal cordon bleu, and Mommy had the salmon tips, and, uh, if we split the wine, that would put us at about thirty dollars.
Ed: Uh, sir, if I remember correctly, you had the steak, Stephanie had the veal.
Ronald Reagan: Oh… yes.
Stephanie: Oh, that’s right! The man is so convincing, you know? I forgot what I had! It’s amazing, it really — it’s a gift!
Ronald Reagan: Well, then, Ed, uh… I guess, as I recall, the steak — I have a kind of mind for these kind of trivial figures. I think it wwas $5.95, wasn’t it?
Ed: Uh, sir… just to err on the side of accuracy, the steak was $12.75.
Ronald Reagan: [ laughing ] Well, you know, if you run for President every four years, you don’t often pay for your own steak!
Niles: [ handing money over ] Well, here’s $20 — that should cover me.
Stephanie: [ handing money over ] Yeah, here’s $20 for me — I should get three back.
Ronald Reagan: [ handing money over ] Here you go, Ed – that’s for me and Mommy!
Ed: [ hands money to Stephanie ] Here’s three back. [ he looks up ] Waiter?
[ the Waiter comes over to collect the bill ]
Ronald Reagan: [ to his party ] I just want to re-emphasize, once again, how unjust it is that Vietnam veterans are NOT eligible for the G.I. Bill. Now, Mr. Carter has had FOUR years —
Waiter: Uh, excuse me for eavesdropping, but… my brother is a Vietnam vet, and, uh, the G.I. Bill put him through Med School. [ he walks off ]
Ronald Reagan: Well… maybe we ought to put the Maitre’d on welfare! [ the group is silent ] Well, I’m not gonna give you a little speech about how you should endorse me in the Primary. I think you two can make up your own minds about what’s best for the people of Oregon.
Niles: Yes, sir.
Ronald Reagan: But I can tell you one thing: That check would have been a lot smaller… if this state didn’t impose a sales tax on its people. Well… good meeting you, Niles. [ he shakes Niles’ hand ] All my best, Stephanie. [ he shakes Stephanie’s hand ]
Stephanie: Thank you.
Ronald Reagan: Come on, Mommy! We don’t want to keep those Potato Heads waiting!
Ed: [ getting up ] We’ll check back in a few days, folks. If there’s anything we can do, please give us a call, alright? Thank you. Good bye.
Ronald Reagan: Good bye.
Nancy Reagan: Bye.
Ed: Let’s go.
[ Ed leads Mr. and Mrs. Reagan out of the restaurant ]
Stephanie: Niles, Oregon doesn’t have a sales tax, do we?
Stephanie: I didn’t think so. God, it’s amazing!
Niles: [ steamed ] Yes. It is.
Stephanie: I mean, the man looks TEN YEARS younger in person, don’t you think?
[ Stephanie exits the booth, as Niles gives her a furrowed look ]
[ camera pans out on set, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Steosexuality” ]
[ fade ]
[ open on interior, Dave’s Varuety Store, as the phone rings ]
Dave: [ answering phone ] Hello! Dave’s Variety Store. Oh, hi, Katie. No, things are kinda slow today. As a matter of fact, your mom and I were thinking of closing up soon. I will. Good night, sweetheart. [ he hangs up ]
Betty: [ entering from back room ] I, uh, put those boxes out in the back, honey.
Dave: Oh, good, we could use the room.
[ Pete and Ruth enter the shop ]
Pete: Hi, Dave. Hi, Betty.
Dave: Hey, hi, Pete! Hi, Ruth! How are you two today?
Pete: Yeah, everything’s just fine, Dave. Say, Dave — would you have any of those… [ miming with his hands ] glass prisms? You know, those things that you hold up to the sunlight, and it breaks the light into rainbows?
Dave: [ thinking ] Yeah… yeah, I think we do.
Betty: Yeah! How many do you want, Pete?
Pete: Oh, two would be great, Betty.
Betty: Oh. [ she grabs two glass prisms ] There you go.
Pete: Hey, what do I owe you for these?
Dave: Uh… let’s say five dollars.
Pete: [ taking out his money ] That’s all I’ve got! Great! Thanks, Dave!
Ruth: Maybe we’ll get together this weekend?
Betty: Oh, I’ll give you a call! [ she wraps up the glass prisms ]
Ruth: Oh, great!
Pete: Thanks again!
[ Pete and Ruth exit ]
Dave: Honey, why don’t we go to a restaurant tonight?
Betty: Oh, not tonight, Dave. I mean, I just have that half-a-roast in the refrigerator.
[ Harry enters the shop ]
Dave: Hi. What can I do for you?
Harry: Well, I’ve been running all over town trying to find a copy of “Oh My Pappa” by Eddie Fisher. Any chance that you would have it?
Dave: Sure… sure, we got it. [ to Betty ] Honey, you know where “Oh, My Pappa” is, don’t you?
Betty: Oh, I’ll get it! [ she exits to the back room ]
Dave: Been having a hard time finding that record, huh?
Harry: Oh, you wouldn’t believe it! I mean, not one store has had it in stock in twenty years. The darn thing’s been out-of-stock since 1956!
Betty: [ re-enters with the record ] Here you go!
Harry: [ examining it ] You really do have it! That’s amazing! How much is it?
Dave: Uh — four dollars.
Harry: Sounds good to me! [ he pays ] Wait’ll my wife hears this!
Betty: [ she hands him his change ] There you go.
Harry: Thank you! [ he exits ]
Betty: Oh, uh, Dave? Did I tell you that Mrs. Parker called?
Dave: [ glancing outside ] Speak of the Devil!
[ Mrs. Parker enters ]
Dave: Hi, Mrs. Parker!
Mrs. Parker: Hey!
Dave: We were just talking about you.
Mrs. Parker: [ pleased ] Oh! Is it ready?
Dave: As ready as it’ll ever be. [ she giggles, as he pulls up a balloon ] Here you go — a pink balloon filled with pretzels. It was pretzels?
Mrs. Parker: [ examinging it ] Ohhh, yes… yes, it’s wonderful! I don’t know what I would do without you two.
Betty: Oh, you’re sweet, Mrs. Parker!
Dave: You, uh — you want me to put this on your account, of course?
Mrs. Parker: Mmm-hmm. Well, I’ll see you again soon, which will be the next time Ray lets me take the car! [ she exits, as Dave chuckles heartily ]
Betty: She’s something, isn’t she?
Dave: A real lulu!
Betty: Now it’s pink balloons!
Dave: [ he chuckles ] Honey, uh — do we have to have that roast tonight?
[ Tom steps up and clears his throat, as Betty points him out ]
Dave: Uh — yes, sir?
Tom: Yeah, uh… I was curious — do you have a machine to wash dirty poker chips? [ he pulls chips from his pocket ]
Dave: Y-yes, we do. But it shuts down at five o’clock, and it’s almost six now.
Dave: Uh — unless you’re interested in buying a machine.
Tom: No, no, no… I can come back tomorrow. What I was really interested in was, uh — do you have a large medieval crossbow made out of white chocolate?
Dave: I, uh, I believe so. Uh, Betty, get me that chocolate crossbow — the white chocolate.
Betty: Oh. Right.
Dave: It’s wrapped in foil!
Dave: I hope you don’t mind?
Tom: No, are you kidding? What do I owe you for this?
Dave: That’ll be, uh, nineteen dollars and fifty-seven cents.
Tom: Yeah… yeah. [ he hands over his money ]
Betty: [ returns ] Here you go!
Betty: Good eating to ya’!
Dave: [ hands over his change ] Here you go.
Tom: Thank you very much! [ he exits ]
Betty: Dave, uh — there’s only two of the white chocolate ones left.
Dave: Oh, boy… Okay, I’d better order some more. How are we doing on the, uh, bittersweet ones?
Betty: Oh, that’s okay — we’re alright on the bittersweet.
[ Garrett enters ]
Dave: Yes, sir?
Garrett: Yeah. [ he pulls out a shopping list ] Uh, here we go, let’s see… oh, here! Here it is! [ reading ] I’d like one dead turtle, frozen in a block of ice… Uh… and…
Dave: [ glancing back ] Honey, you want to bring out the frozen turtle?
Betty: Right! [ she exits into the storeroom ]
Garrett: I want a half-a-television… Isaac Stern’s nephew… a square basketball… a #4 pencil… a dozen Dewey buttons…
Dave: [ chuckling ] Whoa, whoa! You gotta go one item at a time here! Uh — that was half a TV?
Garrett: Yeah, yeah… half a television.
Dave: [ reaching under the counter ] Okay, here you go… [ he pulls up half of a television ] Got that right there.
Garrett: Oh, yeah, yeah!
Dave: Okay, and, uh… Isaac Stern’s nephew.
Garrett: Isaac Stern’s nephew, yep!
Dave: [ calling out ] Honey, while you’re down there, bring up the Stern kid, will ya’?
Betty: Dave! Dave! Which one?
Dave: Oh! Uh, I forgot to ask you — Jeff or Mark?
Garrett: Oh! Jeff! Definitely Jeff, man!
Dave: [ calling out ] Jeff!
Garrett: I want the label.
Dave: And that was…?
Garrett: A #4… no, no, I changed my mind. Give me — instead of the #4 pencil — uh, give me two square basketballs.
Dave: You’re the customer!
Garrett: Right. Yeah.
[ Dave places two square basketballs on the counter ]
Dave: Here you go.
Betty: [ returns with Isaac Stern’s nephew in tow ] Okay! Here you go, Sir! He’s a little dusty, but… [ she laughs ]
Dave: I hope you got $32 on you, because that’s what all this is gonna come to.
Garrett: Oh, I do… and I am very glad to pay it! [ he hands over his money ]
Dave: Come again.
Betty: Uh — here, Sir, I’ll help you with the Stern kid. Come on.
Garrett: Thank you very much.
Isaac Stern’s Nephew: So long, folks!
Betty: There you go.
Isaac Stern’s Nephew: Bye bye.
Betty: You have a car?
Garrett: Yeah, we got it. [ he exits ]
Betty: Alright. Bye bye. [ to Dave ] God knows what he’s gonna do with that frozen turtle!
Dave: [ laughing ] You know what, Betty? It’s, uh… We should close up.
Betty: Yeah. Well, you’d better call the distributor before we leave, we’re getting low on a few things.
[ as Betty flips the Open-Closed sign around, Alan tries to enter the shop ]
Betty: Sir, I’m terribly sorry — we’re closed!
Alan: [ frantic ] I need one thing — please, I need one thing. Please?
Betty: Well, what? What?
Alan: I need a propeller beanie. Please! I need it bad!
Betty: Propeller beanie?
Betty: [ she grabs one ] Alright, here you go. It’s right there.
Alan: [ he spins the propeller, then places the beanie over his head ] Oh, this is terrific! Oh, great.
Betty: Uh — two dollars.
Alan: [ he pays ] Thanks a lot, lady! Thanks a lot. [ he exits ]
Betty: You’re welcome. Uh-huh. Bye bye. [ she locks the door ]
Dave: [ on the phone ] Yeah — television halves… #4 pencils… uh, Dewey buttons, and, uh, I think that’s about it.
Betty: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait… Let me speak to Arnie for a minute.
Dave: Hold on, Arnie! [ he hands the phone over ]
Betty: Uh-huh. Arnie, uh, we’re gonna need some more of those propeller beanies. [ Dave chuckles ] Yeah, okay. [ she hands the phone back to Dave ]
Dave: Right, Arnie, that’s it. Oh! Uh, Arnie? Are you still there? Yeah, hold on. Just a… just a hunch, Arnie — yeah, listen, do you still have those inflatable Chet huntleys? Yeah, give me about half a dozen. Thanks, Arnie! [ he hangs up ]
Betty: Oh, Dave! You certainly are hot tonight!
Dave: [ laughing ] Well, come on — let’s go eat, honey.
Betty: It was sort of quiet today, huh?
Dave: Well, it’ll pick up tomorrow!
[ they exit to the back, as the camera pulls back on the set, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Peacockmania” ]
[ fade ]
Chet Napes…..Steve Martin
Amelia Kane…..Gilda Radner
Bob Lylo…..Bill Murray
Buddy Bishop…..Harry Shearer
Marsha Craven…..Laraine Newman
Lucia Newell…..Jane Curtin
Willis Gaston…..Garrett Morris
Man in Audience #1…..Max Pross
Man in Audience #2…..Jim Downey
Woman in Audience…..Jean Doumanian
Man in Audience #3…..Tom Gammill
[ open on shot of audience members in the studio balcony ]
Announcer: And now, it’s time for “Real Incredible People”! [ title card zooms in ] The show that believes that real people are incredible!
[ dissolve to stage ]
Announcer: And now, here’s our “Real Incredible People” people: Chet Napes! [ Chet runs on stage ] Amelia Kane! [ Amelia runs on stage ] Bob Lylo! [ Bob runs through the audience to stage ] Buddy Bishop! [ Buddy runs on stage ] Marsha Craven! [ Marsha runs on stage ]
Chet Napes: Tonight on “Real Incredible People”, we’ll visit a man who has never opened his mail!
[ wipe to image of man seated on couch surrounded by unopened mail ]
Amelia Kane: Then, we’ll look at a woman who had the shape of her nose surgically altered!
[ wipe to image of woman facing sideways with a mismatched nose ]
Bob Lylo: And we’ll show you a man who gets around in what he calls… an electric wheelchair!
[ wipe to image of old man sitting peacefully in an electric wheelchair ]
Buddy Bishop: Then, we’ll be visiting a woman who owns… FOURTEEN DOGS!
[ wipe to image of woman with fourteen dogs on leashes ]
Marsha Craven: And we’ll be talking to a man who likes to dress up like a woman and have sex with other men!
[ wipe to image of man dressed as woman ]
Chet Napes: BUt before we meet those REAL INCREDIBLE people, our first incredible guest is a man who really knows the meaning of… Stick-to-it-ivness!
Buddy Bishop: That’s right, Chet! He’s a man who talks softly… and carries TWO sticks!
Amelia Kane: But… they aren’t big!
Marsha Craven: He uses them to eat… RAW FISH!
Bob Lylo: Did you say raw fish, Marsha?
Marsha Craven: That’s right! But don’t take my word for it!
[ Oriental music plays, as we dissolve to Akira Yoshimura eating sushi ]
Marsha Craven V/O: Akira Yoshimura eats fish using two sticks made from a tree. The fish isn’t even cooked! It’s RAW!! [ the panel groans and oohs ] Even though Mr. Yoshimura can use a knife and a fork, he says he prefers eating with the two small sticks!
Buddy Bishop: That is hard to believe! Gosh, Marsha, when you were doing the story, did you eat any of the raw fish with the two sticks?
Marsha Craven: Well… I got as far as picking up the fish with the two sticks, but I didn’t eat any!
[ the panel laughs ]
Chet Napes: He was a REAL incredible person, Marsha, but perhaps not as incredible as our next REAL INCREDIBLE PERSON!
Amelia Kane: She does something EVERY NIGHT!
Buddy Bishop: In bed!
Bob Lylo: Before she goes to sleep.
Marsha Craven: Something in bed every night… before she goes to sleep!
Buddy Bishop: Have we made you think it’s sex? [ he chuckles heartily ] Well, it isn’t!
[ the panel laughs ]
Amelia Kane: No! But this woman actually READS every night before she goes to sleep!
[ dissolve to Lucia Newell happily reading in bed ]
Amelia Kane V/O: EVERY Night, for the last eight years — and EVERY night except one, for the past fifteen years — Lucia Newell has read at least one chapter of a book, or an ENTIRE magazine, before going to sleep! [ the panel is impressed ] Excuse me! Ms. Newell! What book is that you’re reading?
Lucia Newell: Uh — it’s called “Lord of the Rings”, by J.R.R. Tolkien!
Amelia Kane: And… what’s it about?
Lucia Newell: Oh! It’s about little furry people who live in the Middle Earth, and who have magic jewels and battles with forces of evil.
Amelia Kane: Wow-ow-ow!! That’s REALLY incredible!! And… what was that book you told me about when I called you?
Lucia Newell: [ thinking ] Oh! “Tale of Two Cities”! It’s about two men during the French Revolution. One lives in London, and one lives in France — and they look EXACTLY alike, and they switch identities!
The Panel: THAT’S AMAZING!!! THAT’S INCREDIBLE!!!
Chet Napes: Did you say they look exactly alike?
Lucia Newell: Yeah! And one gives his life for the other!
Amelia Kane: INCREDIBLE!!
Buddy Bishop: And this was the French Revolution, you say?
Lucia Newell: Yeah! There was a Revolution in France in 1789… when the feudal system was overthrown by the French people.
Bob Lylo: Wait! Overthrown? Completely overthrown?!
Lucia Newell: Yeah!
Bob Lylo: THAT’S INCREDIBLE!!
Marsha Craven: And, hey — have you been to Paris?
Lucia Newell: Yes.
Chet Napes: THAT’S INCREDIBLE!!! [ he stomps his feet ]
Amelia Kane: Well, we’d love to have you back on the show again! Would you have more books to tell us about?
Lucia Newell: Certainly!
Chet Napes: It’s always great to hear a story!
[ the audience applauds Lucia’s feat ]
Marsha Craven: These stories are incredible, Chet! But you won’t believe your eyes when you meet our next guest!
Bob Lylo: That’s right, Marsha. We have in the studio, a guest whose skin is very dark-brown!
Marsha Craven: Was he in a fire?
Bob Lylo: Let’s just bring him out! Please welcome Willis Gaston!
[ Willis Gaston, a black man, walks past the audience and takes a seat on stage between the hosts ]
Bob Lylo: Well! Mr. Gaston! How do you do it?
Willis Gaston: I don’t do anything, man! That’s just the way I am!
Bob Lylo: Well, it’s INCREDIBLE!! Yeah! Show them your palm! Look at this!
[ Gaston raises his hands to reveal their stunning blackness ]
Marsha Craven: Wow! Mr. Gaston, do people pay more attention to you because your skin is so dark?
Willis Gaston: Well, it depends where I am! If I’m out around a lot of black folk, it doesn’t make any difference!
Amelia Kane: You mean, there are people with black skin?
Willis Gaston: Yeahhhh…
Bob Lylo: WOW!!! THAT’S INCREDIBLE!!!
Marsha Craven: Wow! Maybe next time, we can have one of those BLACK persons on the show!
Willis Gaston: That WOULD be incredible!
[ the audience applauds his feat ]
Bob Lylo: Well, you know — every week, we meet LOTS of REAL INCREDIBLE PEOPLE! And one thing that we’ve found is that some of the MOST incredible people… are the REAL PEOPLE in our studio audience! So let’s meet some of the really incredible people who are here today!
[ cut to Chet standing next to a man in the audience ]
Chet Napes: What’s incredible about you?
Man in Audience #1: I flew up to the top of Pike’s Peak!
Chet Napes: Wow!! That’s INCREDIBLE!!
[ cut to Buddy standing over a second man in the audience ]
Buddy Bishop: Hi! What’s incredible about you?
Man in Audience #2: Remember those Pet Rocks a couple years ago?
Buddy Bishop: Sure!
Man in Audience #2: I BOUGHT one!
Buddy Bishop: That’s incredible!
[ cut to Marsha standing with a woman from the audience ]
Marsha Craven: Hey! What’s incredible about you?
Woman in Audience: I saw Debbie Reynolds in the supermarket!
Marsha Craven: That’s incredible!
[ cut to Bob standing next to the second man in the audience again ]
Bob Lylo: Hey, what’s incredible about you?
Man in Audience #2: My sister used to be a nun, but now she’s NOT any more!
Bob Lylo: That’s incredible!! Aren’t you the guy with the Pet Rock?
Man in Audience #2: Yes!
Bob Lylo: THAT IS INCREDIBLE!!!
[ cut to GR standing next to third man from the audience ]
Amelia Kane: Hey! What’s incredible about you?
Man in Audience #3: What’s incredible about ME… is that I’m on “REAL INCREDIBLE PEOPLE”!!
[ cut to audience clapping, as title card zooms in ]
[ fade ]