Buck Henry: Thank you all for coming! Good night… [ he holds his arm up ] and goodbye!
[ everyone waves sentimentally as the credits begin to roll ]
Announcer: Next Saturday night, an encore presentation of “Saturday Night Live”, with host Howard Hesseman and musical guest Randy Newman. This is the original Don Pardo — you can tell by the way I say… “Good night.”
[ suddenly, Buck Henry steps off the stage, creating a pyramid effect as everyone follows him through the audience ] [ the camera cuts to the exterior of Studio 8-H, doors opened and marked “Please Do Not Enter This Studio With Coffee or Food” and “No Smoking” ] [ Buck Henry and the cast and musical guests exit the studio single-file and exit the camera rangr into their uncertain futures ] [ the camera zooms in on the flashing “ON AIR” sign, which promptly goes dark as the last of the line exits the studio ] [ fade ]
… Buck Henry Lucy Lawler … Liz Welch, SNL talent scout Gary Lipton … Walter Williams, creator of Mr. Bill Norma Jenkins … Mary Moore Lee Mayman … Lee Mayman, scenic designer Carl Quackenbush … Matt Neuman, writer Robin Shurmerhorn … Robin Shlien, production assistant Ron Waldo … Don Pardo, NBC staff announcer
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Buck Henry!
Buck Henry: Thank you. Hi, everybody. Thanks verymuch. It is wonderful to be back again. You know, thisis the one hundred and sixth Saturday Night Liveprogram. [applause] Yes. And it is the one hundred andthird time that I’ve hosted. You know, I’ve alwayshosted the last show of the year and this is the lastshow of the year. Some people, in fact, think it mightbe the last Saturday Night show ever. [audience groansand boos] But don’t worry! Because I’m here toannounce that Saturday Night Live will be back againnext year. [prolonged cheers and applause]
Not with the same people, of course. But with anentirely new cast of young, fresh, talented people toreplace the ones who were let go. And I’m sure – I’msure that these new kids are gonna grow on ya becausethey’re the cream of the crop of – of hundreds whoauditioned for the – the former producer and I – Ireally look forward to working with them and the newproducer in the years ahead, so let’s meet thesebright and funny newcomers! First, from Midland,Texas, Lucy Lawler! [tall brunette wearing jeans,rainbow-hued shirt and orange cap enters and joinsBuck, they stand with their arms around each other]Hi, Luce.
Lucy Lawler: Hello, Buck.
Buck Henry: I bet they’re going to be calling you “TheSweetheart of Saturday Night Live” pretty soon, Lucy.
Lucy Lawler: Well, to tell you the truth, I’m a littlenervous.
Buck Henry: That’s all right. It’s understandable.Gilda Radner was just as nervous when she firststepped out here five years ago. I helped her and I’llhelp you, too, if you know what I mean. [slyly bumpshis hip against hers]
Lucy Lawler: Well, thank you, Mr. Henry.
Buck Henry: You call me Buck from now on.
Lucy Lawler: Okay, Buck. [waves to the audience andwalks upstage]
Buck Henry: Now! Here’s a guy who besides being a finecomedian, plays many, many musical instruments.Welcome Gary Lipton! [thin, pale, bearded man wearinga black shirt made to look like a tuxedo enters andshakes hands with Buck] Hey, Gar. Gary, just how manymusical instruments do you actually play?
Gary Lipton: Oh, uh, well, uh, I can get a sound outof about twenty instruments.
Buck Henry: That’s fantastic! [to the camera] Okay!Next! [Gary Lipton awkwardly retreats upstage andjoins Lucy Lawler] A really funny lady originally fromCincinatti, Ohio and here’s Norma Jenkins. [plumpAfrican-American woman in overalls runs outenthusiastically and joins Buck] Hey, have you – haveyou done much television before, Norma?
Norma Jenkins: Uh, just a local show in Cincinatti.But it was on the same station that Mike Douglasstarted on.
Buck Henry: Okay, well, that’s good enough for us. Isay: “Bye bye, Garrett Morris — Hello, Norma!”
Norma Jenkins: All right! [pumps hands in the air andjoins the other cast members, forming a line upstage]
Buck Henry: Now! It’s time to meet a former member ofa fabulous comedy team and his name is Lee Mayman![short, bespectacled young man wearing a green shirtthat reads: “I’M LEE MAYMAN AND YOU’RE NOT” enters andjoins Buck] How you doin’, Lee? Lee, I understand youused to be a former member of a comedy team.
Lee Mayman: That’s right, Buck. It was called Holmanand Mayman.
Buck Henry: Mm hmm.
Lee Mayman: You might remember our William Tell bit.
Buck Henry: [after a pause] Lee Mayman, everybody![Lee Mayman joins his fellow cast members upstage]Okay. Now, let’s meet a guy who bills himself as – as”The Walking Loony Bin” — that’s what it says anyway.Let’s meet Carl Quackenbush! [bespectacled man infrock coat and carrying a cigar enters doing animitation of Groucho Marx’s famous crouch and joinsBuck] Well, Carl, are you gonna be the next BillMurray?
Carl Quackenbush: [sounds just like Groucho] Icertainly hope not.
Buck Henry: “I certainly hope not”! If that’s the kindo’ comedy we can expect from this guy, I think we’rein for some big belly laughs this fall! [CarlQuackenbush heads upstage] Okay, folks, let’s meetRobin Shurmer– [has trouble reading the cue card]Shurmer – Robin – Robin Shurmerhorn! [cute brunette ina floral blouse enters and joins Buck] Robin! Did Ipronounce that correctly?
Robin Shurmerhorn: Yes, it’s Shurmerhorn.
Buck Henry: [slight pause] Well, thank you, Robin.Okay! [Robin Shurmerhorn heads upstage] And last -last, folks, but not least, here’s Ron Waldo![sixty-something year old man in a blue jogging suitruns out and joins Buck]
Ron Waldo: Heeey! Buck! Thank you.
Buck Henry: Now, Ron, they say you do a greatimitation of Don Pardo.
Ron Waldo: That’s right, Buck. [flawless imitation ofDon Pardo] “It’s Saturday Night Live!!!”
Buck Henry: That’s terrific. Terrific, Ron. Okay. [RonWaldo joins the others upstage, by now they’re alllined up behind Buck] There you have it, ladies andgentlemen. How about a big hand for these stars of thefuture? [Buck steps aside and we pull back to view theentire new cast lined up, waving to the audience whocheer and applaud. Finally, Buck steps forward andraises a hand.] All of them – all of these kids aregonna be spending the summer at NBC’s Comedy Camp inupstate New York – studying assiduously under thesupervision of NBC’s dean of comedy workshops, Mr.John Barbour! So, these kids will be back in the fallbut – we’ll be right back!
[Applause. Wider shot of the new cast waving, Buckjerks a thumb at them, nodding and smilingsupportively.]
Nick “Lava”…..Bill Murray …..Paul Shaffer Prince Amanawahu…..Akira Yoshimura Iris de Flaminio…..Jane Curtin Richard Posniak…..Buck Henry Lenora Posniak…..Laraine Newman Joe Daddy…..Al Franken …..Yvonne Hudson Farrell Jones…..Garrett Morris Kathy Gorley…..Gilda Radner Woman at bar…..Anne Beatts
[ open on interior, Trader Nick’s, as Nick the Lounge Singer performs ]
Nick “Lava”: [ singing ]“He’s a cop from Oaho, who gets lots of sun Famous Steve McGarrett! And he packs a gu-u-u-u-un!”
Come on, Paul!
“If you need his number It’s Hawaii Five-0!”
Thank you! Thank you! Welcome to Trader Nick’s, a little bit of the Hawaiian Islands right here in the Buffalo-Niagara Falls area. I’m your host, Nick “Lava”, and I’ll be humping my volcano ash for you, for the next little while or so. Hot day today? I know I built up a Hawaiian-sized thirst. I hope you take advantage of our exotic Polynesian specialties here at Trader Nick’s. THe man who put the “hi” in “Hawaiian”, a full-blooded Hawaiian — Prince Amanawahu. How you doing, Prince?
[ pan over to Prince Amanawahu working the blender ]
He’s busy working his magic right now, so let’s ask one of the prince’s lovely barmaidens — Princes Iris? [ Iris de Flaminio looks up ] Princess, would you point us down the dark road tonight?
Iris de Flaminio: [ husky-voiced ] Sure thing! For a night you may not remember, but you’ll never forget… I recommend the Kamikazee or the Missionary’s Downfall. But if you really want to get out of the blocks fast, try Trader Nick’s specialty — the Coconut Head Butter. It’s got three different fruit juices and five ounces of Bacardi 1-5-1. I gotta serve the drinks, Nick.
Nick “Lava”: [ laughing ] Yes, you do! And tell her why, Paul.
[ singing ]Oh, you may be the ambassador to England or Paree, France You might like to gamble down in Atlantic City, you might like to dance disco-style. You might be like Mohammed Ali, the heavyweight champion of the world Or you might be at Trader Nick’s, serving insane guys and girls! But you’re gonna have to SERVE somebody!”
Iris de Flaminio: [ singing ] “SERVE somebody!”
Nick “Lava”: And on a night like this, you young fellows are gonna have to TIP somebody, too! HUh?
Iris de Flaminio: TIP somebody, I’m SERIOUS!
Nick “Lava”: [ singing ]“You might be prince of a lifetime, or a couple of Navy frogs But you’re gonna have to serve somebodyyyy!”
Somebody… anybody… for heaven’s sake! [ the room claps ] Hey! Aloha! Aloha, folks! How’s it going? How are you?
Richard Posniak: Oh, I guess we’re alright, this is our second Fog Cutter.
Nick “Lava”: [ laughing ] What’s your name, and where are you from?
Richard Posniak: I’m Mr. Richard Posniak, and we’re from Room 208 in the Castle Court Motel, just across the highway. [ he holds up his room key ]
Lenora Posniak: I’m Lenora Posniak. We have three kids in the room who finally fell asleep, and we’re here to forget the day!
Nick “Lava”: [ chuckling ] Having trouble on the vacation or something, huh?
Lenora Posniak: [ aggravated ] It’s not vacationing! We were relocated today from the Love Canal.
Nick “Lava”: Well, I’ll tell you… I’ve been following that story, and, you know, boy, I got a scare the other day. All of a sudden, I got one of these headaches in the back, everything tensed up, I started to go black, I thought: “Oh, my God! You know? Love Canal.” And then I realized, I’d been chugging frozen coladas all day! So, you know, I just cut back on my pace, and I’m fine now.
Richard Posniak: Good for you, Nick. How would you like to buy a 3-bedroom house real cheap?
Nick “Lava”: Hey — another round of Fog Cutters for this couple. They’re on Uncle Sam. This one’s for you, huh? Let’s do it. Hey, I hope you don’t move in with those Cubans, that would really be too bad.
[ Nick stands and sings ]
“Kiss today goodbye And forget about tomorrow. You did what you had to doooooo Won’t regret! Can’t forget! What you did for love. What you did for love. What you did for love.”
Bless you. Thank you. [ to a group of high-schoolers ] Hey! What’s happening over at this table?
Teens: [ chanting ]“We’re poison ivy! It’s our thing! We do what we want to do! Yayyyyyyyy, canker sores!”
Nick “Lava”: Okay, calm down, fellows. We’ve been very nice about not checking ID tonight, so let’s all behave and act like the nice mature, responsible adults I know you are. What’s your name, fellow?
Joe Daddy: Joe Daddy, Co-Captain.
Nick “Lava”: Okay. And who are you? Could you stand, please?
Yvonne Hudson: [ she stands ] Hi, I’m Yvonne Hudson, and this is my Love Jones!
Nick “Lava”: Love Jones?
Farrell Jones: [ standing ] Yeah, that’s right! Farrell Jones, Co-Captain and all-around love messenger! Uh, him and me, we’re co-captains of the baseball and the, you know, the football team.
Joe Daddy: Yeah, he played shortshop and halfback, and, uh, I was catcher and monster man!
Nick “Lava”: Well, that’s great. Enjoy, enjoy. And who is this lovely queen? Could you stand, please, lady? How are you?
Nick “Lava”: And how did you get to be the prom queen?
Kathy Gorley: How’d you get into show business, Trader?
Nick “Lava”: Well, I wasn’t elected unanimously! [ he laughs ] Well, you all nurse those Coconut Head Butters. Prom Night is a night to have fun, but let me tell you first sbout my prom, if you wnt to know about prom nights. I wrapped my old man’s Impala around an oak tree. I walked away, but my fiancee rode shotgun — she did not. The whole class went to her funeral two days later, it was a closed casket. So think about that later, on the way home. [ to Joe Daddy ] Do you have a theme for tonight’s prom?
Joe Daddy: [ sobering up ] Uh… “Stairway to Heaven”.
Nick “Lava”: [ to Paul ] Do I know that? [ Paul hits the piano ] Yeah. Led Zeppelin, right? I guess you’re probably a little too young to remember their first album, huh? “Communication Breakdown”? Well, enjoy. I’ll try to do it anyway.
[ singing ]“And as we wind on down the road! Our shadows taller than our soul! There walks a lady we all know Who shines white light and wants to show! How everything still turns to gold. And if you listen very hard The tune will come to you at last! When all are one and one is all To be a rock and not to rolllllllllllllllllllllllllll!!
And she’s… buying… a stairway… to heaven.”
[ the crowd bursts into applause ]
Aloha! Aloha! Aloha! Enjoy.
[ camera pulls back on set, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Saturday Night Live Garage Sale” ] [ fade ]
Paul Heverly…..Bill Murray Dick Drake…..Harry Shearer Countess Luciana Palermo…..Jane Curtin Leon Satin…..Garrett Morris Hugh Gaffney…..Buck Henry
[ open on panelists whispering among themselves over jazzy music ] [ camera zooms in on Paul Heverly as the music fades ]
Paul Heverly: Good evening. Welcome to “Week in Review”. I’m your moderator, Paul Heverly. Well, it’s been a busy week in the news, and, uh, we have a lot to discuss. I can see that our panelists are anxious to get started, so let’s introduce them. First, our regulars: from The New York Post, Dick Drake.
[ SUPER: “Dick Drake (Pseudonym) New York Post” ]
…from the Midnight Globe, Countess Luciana Palermo.
[ SUPER: “Leon Satin (Nom de Plume) National Enquirer” ]
…and our special guest, making his first appearance on the show, political analyst for the New York Times, Hugh Gaffney.
[ SUPER: “Hugh Gaffney, New York Times” ]
Paul Heverly: Is that your real name, Hugh?
Hugh Gaffney: [ confused ] Yes.
Paul Heverly: Huh. Huh. Well, Dick, let’s start with you: What’s the week’s top story?
Dick Drake: Well, Nick, I’d say this week’s top story HAS to be the woman whose baby was eaten by the German Shephard.
Paul Heverly: Now, Dick, you followed that story perhaps more closely than the rest of us. Was she a Devil worshipper?
Dick Drake: No. No, no, no. There was some speculation to that early in the week, but, in essence, she was a heroin addict, she simply left her alone in the apartment for several days with the German Shephard. I think every analyst would agree the dog had nothing to eat, and as a result ate the child.
Leon Satin: Uhhhh — man, you really think that’s a bigger story than the DIET that lets you eat ALL the chocolate you want… and STILL lose twenty pounds a week? Hmm?
Dick Drake: Well… let me put it this way: If there’d been one more just slightly bizarre twist the the German Shephard story —
Leon Satin: Yeah.
Dick Drake: Let’s sayyyyy she’d been on her way to the prom, for example, or… just won the lottery the night her baby was eaten. I think we’d be talking about one of the most significant stories of the year.
ountess Luciana Palermo: More significant than Loni Anderson’s operation to reduce her breast size?
Dick Drake: Well, I just don’t think anybody was surprised by that, believe it or not.
Hugh Gaffney: [ interrupting ] I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! But… wouldn’t you say that the TOP story was the Presidential race, that Carter and Reagan seem to have nailed down their parties’ nominations! [ he smiles satisfactorily but gets no response ]
Paul Heverly: Well, Countess, your paper ran a very big story this week on the Kennedy campaign.
Dick Drake: Yes, Nick! As you know, we learned that immediately after the accident at Chappaquiddick, the first person Teddy called was not his wife or a close advisor, but an attractive, busty German divorcee Helga Wagner.
Paul Heverly: I understand your paper printed a verbatim transcript of their phone conversation?
ountess Luciana Palermo: Oh, yes! It was a psychic reconstruction of the conversation, which we ran completely unedited.
Dick Drake: Countess. Am I wrong on this, or was she on her way to her Senior prom when she received the phone call from Kennedy?
ountess Luciana Palermo: Oh, nooooo. But wouldn’t it have been something if she HAD been?
Paul Heverly: Leon, with the summer months coming up, can we look forward to any more cattle mutilations or hammer murders? Uh, perhaps some manifestations of the spirit of Elvis Presley speaking through people’s air conditioner vents?
Leon Satin: Uhhh, certainly, man! It’s going to be a loooooong, hot summer! No question about that. BUT! I think the story that’s just NOT going to go away… is 10 Ways to Beat the Heat!
[ the panelists agree, as Hugh waves his hand ]
Paul Heverly: Hugh? You have a thought?
Hugh Gaffney: Yes. I’m sorry, I just can’t help but think that the economy is one of the major stories at the moment, simply because it affects SO many people.
[ the panelists stare silently at Hugh ]
Dick Drake: Well, I think perhaps what Hugh is trying to get at, is that when times are tough, people will be under a lot of emotional pressure. I think, if it’s me, I think we’ll see MORE stewardesses thrown in front of suburban trains, MORE groups of Japanese tourists doused with gasoline and set on fire — I agree with you.
Hugh Gaffney: Uh, no — I was thinking more of the effect of the recession on the average family.
ountess Luciana Palermo: [ excited ] Ohhhh! You mean like the Detroit auto worker with eight kids, who was laid off from his assembly-line job!
Hugh Gaffney: Yes!
ountess Luciana Palermo: And he went a little crazy, murdered his entire family and buried them in the neighbor’s back yard!
Hugh Gaffney: No! No!
Dick Drake: If I’m not mistaken, Countess, wasn’t that the night of his eldest daughter’s Senior Prom?
Hugh Gaffney: NO!
Dick Drake: No, I recall that.
Hugh Gaffney: That’s not — that’s not it!
Paul Heverly: Hugh, this sounds like a fascinating story. But, uh, unfortunately, we’ve run out of time. Perhaps you could come back on the show and you could tell us the story of this insane auto worker.
Dick Drake: I’d like to hear more about that.
Hugh Gaffney: I — I —
Paul Heverly: I’d like to thank our regulars — a berzerk auto worker! — I’d like to thank our regulars and our special guest. Hguh Gaffney. Good night from “Weeke in Review”.
[ jazzy them music pots back up, as a disgruntled Hugh Gaffney rises to shove copies of the New York Times into his briefcase ]
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] For a transcript of this program, send 75-cents to: THE WEEK IN REVIEW Suite 200 G Palm Court Motor Hotel Hollywood, Florida ] [ fade ]
Betty…..Jane Curtin Uncle Roy…..Buck Henry Terri…..Laraine Newman Tracy…..Gilda Radner
[ open on Betty’s living room, as the doorbell rings ] [ Bety rushes downstairs to answer the door to Roy ]
Betty: Oh, Roy, come in!
Uncle Roy: [ entering ] Long time, no see, Betty!
Betty: Now, it’s been too long, Roy, and I feel really badly about it. It’s just that my husband simply can’t phantom a 45-year old bachelor who wants to babysit a pair of BRATS for free.
Uncle Roy: [ laughing ] By the way, where is Arthur?
Betty: In Cleveland, whooping it up at another one of those microsurgical parts conventions.
Uncle Roy: Ah! And where are you off to, Betty?
Betty: A dinner party, but I’ll try to slip away early.
Uncle Roy: [ alarmed ] No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You stay as long as you want!
Betty: Oh, you’re too good, Roy. Now, Roy, I know it was you, not Santa, who replaced Terri’s old frayed bicylce seat with a brand new one. Don’t think that went unnoticed.
Uncle Roy: [ grinning ] Did, uh… Arthur notice?
Betty: Oh, he took it totally in the wrong way. And, you know, he was even suspicious about that extravagant anniversary present you sent us? [ she ackknowledges the glass coffee table in front of them ]
Uncle Roy: Well, I always thought this room needed a glass coffee table! [ he chuckles ] Anyway, where are my little darlings?
Betty: Oh! [ she walks over to the foot of the stairs ] Come on down, girls! I have a surprise for you! [ to Roy ] They’re gonna be SO excited, Roy!
Terri & Tracy: WE WILL!! GOODBYE, MOMMY!! GOODBYE!! HAVE A GOOD TIME!!
[ Betty exits ]
Terri: Oh, GOSH, we MISSED you, Uncle Roy! We asked Daddy to play Invisible Leg Doctor, and he didn’t even know how!
Tracy: Yeah! And, Uncle Roy, remember the time you filled the bathtub all up with water and went bobbing for bananas?
Uncle Roy: [ smiling ] I remember!
Terri: Yeah, and remember when you showed us Jumbo the One-Eared Elephant?
Tracy: Yeah! And… and… and the time you were Ruffy the Dog, and we de-wormed you?
Uncle Roy: Oh, yes! It was fun! And, if I’m not mistaken, Ruffy was gonna bury his bone in your backyard.
Terri: Yeahhhh! Hey, Uncle Roy — [ she stands on her head on the couch, with her butt sticking out ] What am I?
Uncle Roy: [ near drooling ] Too good to be true!
Terri: [ standing up ] No! I’m an ostrich with my head buried in the sand.
Tracy: Yeah! I’m an ostrich, too! [ they both bury their heads in the couch with their butts sticking out ] Look at me, look at me!
Uncle Roy: [ excited ] I’m looking! I’m looking! Now, girls, girls — I think that we are ready to play Uncle Roy Cousteau! [ he stands ] So, Tracy… Terri… let’s go deep sea diving in Uncle Roy’s pants!
Terri: [ digging in his pockets ] Yayyyyy! What are we looking for?
Uncle Roy: You’re looking for saltwater taffy! But I warn you — there are all kinds of STRANGE things lurking in the ocean! You might find precious pearls, or tangled beds of seaweed, and watch out for that old electric eel!
Tracy: Oh, wow! I found some candy!
Terri: Yay! Me, too! [ they eat their taffy ] Oh! Uncle Roy! Can we play Goofy Sisters?
Uncle Roy: Oh! What a good idea! Now, you run upstairs and get the panty hats! Okay? Go on! You go upstairs and fetch all your DIRTY little underthings! [ the girls run upstairs ] That’s right! Get them all, bring them all down! Don’t leave anything out!
Tracy: Okay, here we come! [ they slide down the banister ] Yayyyyy!! Here we come!
Uncle Roy: That’s a good girl!
Tracy: We got all the panties!
[ the girls jump onto the couch ]
Uncle Roy: Okay. Alright, give me the panty hats now. Uncle Roy has to play, too. That’s right! [ he puts a panty over his head and sniffs ] These are Terri’s… [ he puts another panty over his head ] And these are Tracy’s.
Tracy: [ laughing ] Oh! Uncle Roy always guesses right!
[ the girls put panties on their heads ]
Uncle Roy: Now, girls, I’ve got an idea! Goofy Uncle Roy Cousteau is going to take the Goofy Sisters for a ride in the glass-bottom boat! This is for the back page of the Goofy News!
Terri & Tracy: Yayyyyy!! Yeah, that’s good!! Here we go!!
[ Tracy and Terri pull up their pajamas and sit on top of the glass coffee table, as Roy lies down underneath and begins to take pictures ] [ suddenly, Better re-enters and approaches the scene ]
Betty: I hope I’m not interrupting anything.
Terri & Tracy: Hi, Mommy!! Hi, Mommy!!
Uncle Roy: [ panicking, still underneath the coffee table ] I can explain EVERYTHING!! Uh…
Betty: There’s no need to explain. I know a Goofy Sisters phot session when I see one. [ amused ] Roy, what you let these MONSTERS get away with! [ Roy crawls up to the surface ] Oh, now, girls… you should be more respectful of your Uncle Roy. Now, anyway, it’s WAY past your bedtime! Now, MARCH! Come on!
Terri & Tracy: Ohhh, okay…
Tracy: Good night, Uncle Roy! Please come back! Don’t forget us!
Uncle Roy: Good night! Sweet dreams!
Terri & Tracy: Good night, Mom!!
[ the girls kiss Uncle Roy good night and run upstairs ]
Betty: Oh, dear… [ she chuckles ]
Uncle Roy: What are you doing back so early, Betty?
Betty: Well, the fact is, Roy, I couldn’t face making small talk when the real truth is… [ she removes Roy’s panty hat ] Oh, I hate to burden you with this, Roy, but… [ she sighs ] I think I’m on the verge of a divorce.
Uncle Roy: [ stunned ] What do you mean?
Betty: This is the third microsurgical convention in two months. Roy, I’m convinced that Arthur’s seeing someone else.
Uncle Roy: You deserve BETTER than that, Betty!
Betty: That’s why I thought I’d leave Arthur and move back to San Francisco with the girls.
Uncle Roy: [ alarmed ] NO!! NO!!
Betty: Oh, I know what you’re thinking, Roy! I’ll be uprooting them, taking them out of school…
Uncle Roy: Call me an old fogey, if you will, but marriage is for KEEPS! [ he grabs the panty hat from her ] You’ve GOT to think of the girls! That’s who I’m thinking of.
Betty: You know… you’re right? I guess I was just being selfish!
Uncle Roy: [ hopeful ] And you won’t take the girls away?
Betty: [ thinking ] No, I… guess I’ll stick it out. Thanks for the shoulder, it’s… it’s a shame every family can’t have an Uncle Roy. You’re one in a million!
Uncle Roy: [ slyly ] Oh, there’s… more of me than you might suspect! [ he holds the panty hat to his face and smiles ] [ zoom out on set, with SUPER: “Coming up next… Cable Tunnelvision” ] [ fade ]
…..Jane Curtin …..Bill Murray Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
[ Jane reaches over to nudge Bill awake ]
Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: A spokesman for former President Gerald R. Ford says it is highliy unlikely that Ford will be Ronald Reagan’s running mate in November. The idea of a Reagan-Ford ticket was originally proposed by SEcret Service, who thought it would definitely discourage any possible assassination attempts.
In his first mission as Secretary of State, Edmund Muskie met with Soviet Minister Gromyko in Vienna. After the meeting, Muskie announced that in future conferences, he would use interpretators. “The meeting should go a lot faster,” said Muskie, “and hopefully I’ll get more out of them.”
Last Monday, Picasso’s Acrobat With Arms Crossed was auctioned off for $3 million, setting a world’s record for a modern art sale. However, the record was broken the next day, when this Van Gogh Le Jardin du Puits Arles went for $5.2 million, setting a new record. But records are made to be broken, and yesterday in Paris, one of the great living artists, Marc Chagall, was himself sold at auction for a whopping $43 million. The buyer, Mr. Glen Lamont of Clearwater, Florida said, “If Chagall has two or three more paintings in him, I’ll break even.”
Bill Murray: Findings were released tonight by the Food and Drug Administration that show a link between the common cold and use of Kleenex. Apparently, most people are allergic to a fiber used in the paper tissues, and sneeze when they come in contact with it. The FDA advises that, for the time being, you should use your shirt sleeve, until the summer when you can use your forearm.
The Environmental Protection Agency announced that residents of the Love Canal area in Niagara Falls may have altered chromosomes from the toxic chemicals buried there. A spokesman for the Hooker Chemicals and Plastics Corporation, which has dumped waste into the site for years, calmed local residents by explaining that at least future generations will have someone to make fun of.
And Pope John Paul II ordained as a Bishop, Stymie Beard of the old “Our Gang” comics, last week. Stymie becomes the only member of the Little Rascals to get as high as Bishop in the Catholic Church.
Jane Curtin: At Baltimore’s Pimlico Racetrack today, California’s Codex beat favorite Genuine Risk in the 105th running of the Preakness. Running out on the money was a horse owned by TV’s “Quincy”, Jack Klugman, who, immediately after the race, performed an autopsy on his horse to determine why it lost. If he’s not satisfied with the results, Klugman will perform a similar post-mortom on his jockey, Daryl McHarve.
Ayatollah Khomeini went down to his local 7-11 and donated $50 to Jerry’s Kids this week, starting a drive the comedian hopes will raise over $30 million. There’s a rumor that Jerry Lewis is arranging to reunite Khomeini and his old political foe, The Shah, during next September’s telethon.
And in a related story, a new hostage rescue attempt was made by a bus this morning, but failed when the bus crashed into a building in downtown Tehran. The bus was reportedly based on the Navy vehicle carrier, The U.S.S. James Hoffa, anchored in the Persian Gulf.
Bill Murray: Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute was miniaturized to the size of a thimble and dropped into the Atlantic Ocean today. Parents of Rensselaer students are advised to check the tide charts in your local area.
And with recent polls indicating the possibility of a strong showing by John Anderson this Fall, experts now predict the election could be decided by the House of Representatives. As the Constitution states, if the House can’t come up with a majority vote, then the Speaker of the House becomes the next President. That man would be Thomas P. “Tip” O’Neill, seen here performing his hilarious “Beat Me, HUrt Me” burlesque act at Gonzaga University.
And the State DEpartment has issued the following warnings to Cubans making the arduous trip from Cuba to Florida: “Do not overdo the sun on the first day; Do not go swimming for at least a half an hour after eating; and No horseplay on the deck, please, somebody could get an eye poked out.”
Jane Curtin: As you know, we were scheduled to have Paul McCartney open tonight’s show, but we ran into some technical problems. But we are now switching back to London, where Father Guido Sarducci is standing by with Paul McCartney and a videotape of his new song. [ to the monitor ] Come in, Father Sarducci!
[ Father Guido Sarducci appears via satellite on the monitor ]
Father Guido Sarducci: Jane, it’s-a getting LIGHT here! The sun is-a coming up! It’s only a little bit-a after twelve o’clock in-a New York, but over here in-a London, England, it’s after FIVE in the morning.
Jane Curtin: Father…
Father Guido Sarducci: Can you believe it?
Jane Curtin: [ laughing ] Where’s Paul?
Father Guido Sarducci: [ taking a drag on his cigarette ] That-a guy, you know, he-a sleeps like a log! I think I must have thrown-a like-a two dollars worth of these-a coins — pences, they call them. [ mockingly ] Pences!
Jane Curtin: Father, I don’t know if you’re aware of it, but this hook-up cost a lot of money, and if Paul McCartney isn’t there to introduce his song like you promised, it’s going to come out of your check! [ she cackles with glee ]
Father Guido Sarducci: You know-a what-a I think the problem is? I think-a, maybe, since-a all of these people are down here, that he thinks-a it’s a BUST! Could be. Really. But… I think I know how to get him out. I’m-a gonna SING for him! I’m-a gonna sing a medley… of-a Beatles tunes. I’m-a gonna serenade him out of that place! That’s-a my plan! I got a what-a you call a speaker here… [ he raises a bullhorn ] A loud-a speaker. [ he positions himself in front of McCartney’s window and loudly sings “Revolution #9” into the bullhorn ] “We don’t-a want a revolution, nooooo! / We all-a want-a to CHANGE the world! / But if you go-a talking about-a destruction / Don’t-a you know that you can-a count me…” [ he switches to “Yellow Submarine” ] “In the town where I was born / Lived a man who sailed… that sea. / And he tells me…” [ he switches to “Hey Jude” ] “Hey, Jude-a!” [ he switches to “Do You Want To Know A Secret” ] “Do you want to know a secret? Ohhhhhh. / Do you promise not to tell?” [ he switches to “Elenour Rigby” ] “Elenour-a Rigby…” [ he switches to “Getting Better” ] “…used to be mad at my school / The teachers that taught me weren’t…” [ he switches to “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” ] “Desmond.” [ he switches to “I Am The Walrus” ] I am-a you, and-a you are me…” [ he switches to “Yellow Submarine” ] “…and-a we are all-a together in a yellow submarine.” [ he switches to “Day in the Life” ] “Well, I just had to laugh!” [ he switches to “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds” ] “I saw Lucy in the sky with…” [ hjhe switches to “Michelle” ] “Michelle, ma belle…” [ he switches to “The Fool On The Hill” ] “The fool on the hill…” [ he switches to “Elenour Rigby” ] “Sweeping the rice from the church where her wedding has been.” [ he switches to “A Hard Day’s Night” ] “A hard day’s night.” [ he switches to “I Want to Hold Your Hand” ] “And suddenly, I want to hold your…” [ he switches to “Help” ] “Help!” [ he switches to “I Want to Hold Your Hand” ] “I want to hold-a your…” [ he switches to “Help” ] “I need-a somebody!” [ he switches to “I Want to Hold Your Hand” ] “I want to hold… your… handle!”
[ thunderous applause from the audience ]
Jane Curtin: Excuse me, Father. I don’t think that worked, Father, I don’t see any lights going on.
Father Guido Sarducci: Well… I think-a maybe I should-a do it again. You know, maybe another time might work. Or maybe — you know, I know what-a I could do. I’ll sing-a some-a medley of-a Wings tunes. That’s, you know, his-a latest group. Maybe that’ll do it.
Jane Curtin: Yeah, Father — you keep trying, we’ll get back to you later.
Father Guido Sarducci: Okay.
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[ Father Guido Sarducci continues trying to serenade McCartney down ] [ fade ]
Now… have many of you saw — a couple of weeks ago, there was an encore and Broderick Crawford was the host of “Saturday Night Live”. Did you… see that? [ the audience applauds ] And… Broderick had one of the great shows — “Highway Patrol” — in the early days of television. But… I think people tend to romanticize early television. It was not all that great. There were a lot of programs on that were not… First of all, they would put anything on… because people would watch anything that was put in front of, you know, on the television set. Prticularly, one show — they used to have travelogue shows, and they weren’t… quite as slick as they are today. What they used to do was get a professor from some university, who was on a sabbatical — in Peru or somewhere — and, uh, he’d take his 8mm Browning and shoot a lot of footage, and, uh… and then they would build a show around him, and he was not a trained television personality. The show would start off with a very saccharine announcer, who came out. This program was called “Strange Peoples, Strange Lands.” It’s kind of an insult to them, I suppose, but that’s what it was called. And, uh… he came out, and he said this:
“Uh, ladies and gentlemen… welcome, once again, to “Strange Peoples, Strange Lands.” Our guest in the studio is Dr. Nicholls Ross. Dr. Ross has recently returned from a trip to Peru. He has brought back some very exciting film with him, which he calls “The Seven Lost Cities of the Incans.” Dr. Ross.”
[ Newhart steps back and assumes the character of Dr. Ross, struggling to locate the mark on the ground where he’s supposed to stand ]
[ high-pitched ] “Well, thank you — thank you — thank you very much. This, uh… this was indeed a very exciting trip that we made… [ he coughs ] to the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans. [ pointing ] As you can see, uh, here in the film now, we’re driving into the modern city of San Sebastipol… [ he coughs ] a modern city cut out of the heart of the Peruvian jungle. And you see, uh — you see us loading up our boats… and the couple up there on the dock, interestingly enough, is the, uh, American consulate and his very charming wife, uh, Gloria. They, uh… they had thrown… they had thrown a farewell party for us the night before, at the, uh, American Consulate. The, uh, the woman you see directly to the left of the, uh, the American consulate and his very charming wife Gloria… is my wife Margo. She had, uh… she had hoped to, uh, take the trip with us — uh, however, she, uh, she came down with a sudden attack of dysentary and… [ he coughs ] this, uh, this made it impossible for her to go. [ he pauses ] Uh — on our… on our trip. [ he coughs ]
Well, here — [ he points ] Here, you… here, you see us some two days later once again, being towed off a sandbar in the harbor of San Sebastipol. We’re still a little… a little hungover from the… from the farewell… farewell party thrown by the American… American consulate and his very charming… [ he coughs ] charming wife Gloria.
Here, you see us some two days later, once again loading up the boats in the, uh, in the harbor of San Sebastipol… and a couple I’m sure you all recognize by now — the American consulate… and Gloria. Just, uh, just get a glimpse here of my wife trying… trying to make it back to the house. [ he coughs ] We only had, uh… we only had three, uh… three weeks in which to cover the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans, and we’d already… we already blown a week in the harbor of San Sebastipol.
[ pointing ] So here you see us finally under way and arriving late that afternoon at the first city of the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans. The… then atives here were quite superstitious, and it so happened that our arrival, uh, coincided with a total eclipse of the sun. And the, uh… the natives began to beg us to please return the… big red ball to their sky. [ he smiles ] Which, uh, which we did, of course! Just… it just shows you there are lighter moments in… in even a trip as serious as ours.
[ pointing ] Here you see us arriving at the second of the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans. They had a rather unusual custom in this particular village, of… of providing each male visitor with what, uh, what you might call a sort of, I guess, bride, for his stay there. [ he laughs ] We, uh… we tried to explain to them this was not… this was NOT a custom in our country, uh… However, an adage we learned throuh many years of travel… “When, uh, when in Rome, do as the… do as the Romans do.”
We, uh… we spent a total of two-and-a-half weeks in this village… [ he appears guilty ] Which only… which only left us one day in which to cover the other five Lost Cities of the Incans. Thank you… thank you very much.”
[ the audience applauds wildly, as Newhart smiles ]
Akira Yoshimura ABC NewsSummary: An eager Frank Reynolds (Harry Shearer) makes an advance announcement that Ronald Reagan and President Jimmy Carter will secure their parties’ nominations for this year’s presidential election.
Recurring Characters: Frank Reynolds, George Bush, Ted Kennedy.
Cow Minder’s DaughterSummary: Cow minder’s (Buck Henry) daughter Govinda Lynn (Laraine Newman) leaves the family cow pasture to become a famous country-Indian singer in the Far East.
Andrew Gold performs “Kiss This One Goodbye”
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Jack Perkins (Harry Shearer) reports on the wide-eyed Walter Keane art exhibit that’s sweeping the nation. Chico Escuela (Garrett Morris). Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner).
Trader Nick’sSummary: Nick “Lava” (Bill Murray) runs a Hawaiian-themed bar outside of Niagara Falls and sings to a displaced couple (Buck Henry, Laraine Newman) from Love Canal and a rowdy group of teenagers celebrating their prom.
Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer, Iris de Flaminio.
(Scene opens at a newspaper stand. A newsdealer grabs a stack of papers and shows us the latest headline)
Newsdealer: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Mr. Bill gets twenty years in Sing Sing
(Cut to Sing Sing prison where Mr. Bill and Spot are in a jail cell. Mr. Bill is lying on his bed playing harmonica while Spot is howling.)
Guard: Awww cut that racket out Mr. Bill! You got a visitor. Come along. (Opens Mr. Bill’s cell.)
Mr. Bill: A visitor? Really? Now who could that be? (sees Miss Sally with a cake in the visitor room.) Miss Sally!
Miss Sally: Oh hi Mr. Bill. I brought something to cheer you up.
Mr. Bill: Oh boy! You know, I wasn’t sure you would come. Listen Miss Sally, I want you to know that I didn’t rob that bank. I was framed.
Miss Sally: I know you didn’t, Mr. Bill.
Mr. Bill: You do? Oh boy, that’s great. Listen, I’m going to work hard and be a model prisoner and I’ll be out of here in no time. I swear Miss Sally.
Miss Sally: Oh I know. The warden seems really nice and he says you’ll be out really soon if I’m nice to him.
Mr. Bill: (Sees it’s a picture of Warden Sluggo) Oh no! You stay away from him. He’s up to no good.
Miss Sally: (Holds Mr. Bill’s hand) Oh, don’t worry Mr. Bill. I wait for you no matter how long it takes.
Mr. Bill: Gee, oh boy yay! (goes back to his cell) She touched me, hey! And she’s going to wait for me too.
Guard: (Locking Mr. Bill back up) Yeah that’s what they all say. I wouldn’t count on it.
Mr. Bill: Oh no. I know Miss Sally. She’ll wait. Gee, I can’t wait to get started. Maybe I can get a job in the laundry room.
(Spot barks. Mr. Hands arrives and sticks his hand through the window)
Mr. Hands: Psst, Mr. Bill? It’s me Mr. Hands remember? Listen I heard about the bad news. But don’t worry, I’ll have you out of here in no time.
Mr. Bill: Oh no, I’m staying. Listen, if I’m good, I figure I’ll be up for parole in ten years maybe.
Mr. Hands: Nah, Miss Sally won’t wait that long. (Shows Mr. Bill a picture of Miss Sally with Warden Sluggo) Look she’s already cheating on you.
Mr. Bill: Oh no! Miss Sally! How could she?
Mr. Hands: Say, maybe we can shoot the lock off. (Shows Mr. Bill a cake with the words “Look inside” written on it)
Mr. Bill: But I don’t have a gun.
Mr. Hands: Here I brought one.
Mr. Bill: Where?
Mr. Hands: Here (pulls a gun out of the cake)
Mr. Bill: Wait a second Mr. Hands, You be careful with that. Don’t point it at me.
Mr. Hands: Don’t worry, don’t worry. Here cock the hammer for me (positions the gun where the hammer is in Mr. Bill’s hand)
Mr. Bill: Oh, But it already is.
Mr. Hands: Okay! (Shoots the gun and the hammer pierces Mr. Bill’s hand. The bullet ricochets off the lock and goes through Spot)
Mr. Bill: No wait, Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: (Showing an escape with an X where Spot is.) See I brought this escape map. Maybe we can tunnel our way out.
Mr. Bill: Oh no, you just want to be mean. Now get out of here and leave us alone. Okay?
Mr. Hands: (With an axe) Gee I hope I hit the right Spot! (Hammers Spot where the X is. Water comes pouring out and starts flooding the room)
Mr. Bill: I can’t swim!
Mr. Hands: I better get you out of here before you drown.
Mr. Bill: No wait, Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up!
Mr. Hands: Say, maybe I can yank the bars out. (Ties some rope to the window bars and puts some on Mr. Bill)
Mr. Bill: No wait! You dropped that rope on me! (Mr Hands drives his car with the rope attached and pulls Mr. Bill in between the bars) Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: Ooh you’re stuck! Gee, maybe this will loosen the bars (places some dynamite in the bars)
Mr. Bill: No wait that’s dynamite! Don’t wait stop! (Mr. Hands detonates the dynamite, exploding Mr. Bill who is sent into the prison yard and the sirens start blaring) Ohhhhhhh! Oh no! Leave me alone!
Mr. Hands: Uh oh! They see you! And the warden says he has you covered. So you better stand up and reach for the sky.
Mr. Bill: (Still stuck in the bars) But I can’t, I’m stuck. So don’t shoot okay? (The guards start shooting) Oh no! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! They got me! Ohhhh! (the words “The End” are shot into Mr. Bill)