SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/24/80: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 20

79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity


…..Buck Henry

Buck Henry: Thank you all for coming! Good night… [ he holds his arm up ] and goodbye!

[ everyone waves sentimentally as the credits begin to roll ]

Announcer: Next Saturday night, an encore presentation of “Saturday Night Live”, with host Howard Hesseman and musical guest Randy Newman. This is the original Don Pardo — you can tell by the way I say… “Good night.”

[ suddenly, Buck Henry steps off the stage, creating a pyramid effect as everyone follows him through the audience ] [ the camera cuts to the exterior of Studio 8-H, doors opened and marked “Please Do Not Enter This Studio With Coffee or Food” and “No Smoking” ] [ Buck Henry and the cast and musical guests exit the studio single-file and exit the camera rangr into their uncertain futures ] [ the camera zooms in on the flashing “ON AIR” sign, which promptly goes dark as the last of the line exits the studio ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Buck Henry’s Monologue

Buck Henry’s Monologue

… Buck Henry
Lucy Lawler … Liz Welch, SNL talent scout
Gary Lipton … Walter Williams, creator of Mr. Bill
Norma Jenkins … Mary Moore
Lee Mayman … Lee Mayman, scenic designer
Carl Quackenbush … Matt Neuman, writer
Robin Shurmerhorn … Robin Shlien, production assistant
Ron Waldo … Don Pardo, NBC staff announcer

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Buck Henry!

Buck Henry: Thank you. Hi, everybody. Thanks verymuch. It is wonderful to be back again. You know, thisis the one hundred and sixth Saturday Night Liveprogram. [applause] Yes. And it is the one hundred andthird time that I’ve hosted. You know, I’ve alwayshosted the last show of the year and this is the lastshow of the year. Some people, in fact, think it mightbe the last Saturday Night show ever. [audience groansand boos] But don’t worry! Because I’m here toannounce that Saturday Night Live will be back againnext year. [prolonged cheers and applause]

Not with the same people, of course. But with anentirely new cast of young, fresh, talented people toreplace the ones who were let go. And I’m sure – I’msure that these new kids are gonna grow on ya becausethey’re the cream of the crop of – of hundreds whoauditioned for the – the former producer and I – Ireally look forward to working with them and the newproducer in the years ahead, so let’s meet thesebright and funny newcomers! First, from Midland,Texas, Lucy Lawler! [tall brunette wearing jeans,rainbow-hued shirt and orange cap enters and joinsBuck, they stand with their arms around each other]Hi, Luce.

Lucy Lawler: Hello, Buck.

Buck Henry: I bet they’re going to be calling you “TheSweetheart of Saturday Night Live” pretty soon, Lucy.

Lucy Lawler: Well, to tell you the truth, I’m a littlenervous.

Buck Henry: That’s all right. It’s understandable.Gilda Radner was just as nervous when she firststepped out here five years ago. I helped her and I’llhelp you, too, if you know what I mean. [slyly bumpshis hip against hers]

Lucy Lawler: Well, thank you, Mr. Henry.

Buck Henry: You call me Buck from now on.

Lucy Lawler: Okay, Buck. [waves to the audience andwalks upstage]

Buck Henry: Now! Here’s a guy who besides being a finecomedian, plays many, many musical instruments.Welcome Gary Lipton! [thin, pale, bearded man wearinga black shirt made to look like a tuxedo enters andshakes hands with Buck] Hey, Gar. Gary, just how manymusical instruments do you actually play?

Gary Lipton: Oh, uh, well, uh, I can get a sound outof about twenty instruments.

Buck Henry: That’s fantastic! [to the camera] Okay!Next! [Gary Lipton awkwardly retreats upstage andjoins Lucy Lawler] A really funny lady originally fromCincinatti, Ohio and here’s Norma Jenkins. [plumpAfrican-American woman in overalls runs outenthusiastically and joins Buck] Hey, have you – haveyou done much television before, Norma?

Norma Jenkins: Uh, just a local show in Cincinatti.But it was on the same station that Mike Douglasstarted on.

Buck Henry: Okay, well, that’s good enough for us. Isay: “Bye bye, Garrett Morris — Hello, Norma!”

Norma Jenkins: All right! [pumps hands in the air andjoins the other cast members, forming a line upstage]

Buck Henry: Now! It’s time to meet a former member ofa fabulous comedy team and his name is Lee Mayman![short, bespectacled young man wearing a green shirtthat reads: “I’M LEE MAYMAN AND YOU’RE NOT” enters andjoins Buck] How you doin’, Lee? Lee, I understand youused to be a former member of a comedy team.

Lee Mayman: That’s right, Buck. It was called Holmanand Mayman.

Buck Henry: Mm hmm.

Lee Mayman: You might remember our William Tell bit.

Buck Henry: [after a pause] Lee Mayman, everybody![Lee Mayman joins his fellow cast members upstage]Okay. Now, let’s meet a guy who bills himself as – as”The Walking Loony Bin” — that’s what it says anyway.Let’s meet Carl Quackenbush! [bespectacled man infrock coat and carrying a cigar enters doing animitation of Groucho Marx’s famous crouch and joinsBuck] Well, Carl, are you gonna be the next BillMurray?

Carl Quackenbush: [sounds just like Groucho] Icertainly hope not.

Buck Henry: “I certainly hope not”! If that’s the kindo’ comedy we can expect from this guy, I think we’rein for some big belly laughs this fall! [CarlQuackenbush heads upstage] Okay, folks, let’s meetRobin Shurmer– [has trouble reading the cue card]Shurmer – Robin – Robin Shurmerhorn! [cute brunette ina floral blouse enters and joins Buck] Robin! Did Ipronounce that correctly?

Robin Shurmerhorn: Yes, it’s Shurmerhorn.

Buck Henry: [slight pause] Well, thank you, Robin.Okay! [Robin Shurmerhorn heads upstage] And last -last, folks, but not least, here’s Ron Waldo![sixty-something year old man in a blue jogging suitruns out and joins Buck]

Ron Waldo: Heeey! Buck! Thank you.

Buck Henry: Now, Ron, they say you do a greatimitation of Don Pardo.

Ron Waldo: That’s right, Buck. [flawless imitation ofDon Pardo] “It’s Saturday Night Live!!!”

Buck Henry: That’s terrific. Terrific, Ron. Okay. [RonWaldo joins the others upstage, by now they’re alllined up behind Buck] There you have it, ladies andgentlemen. How about a big hand for these stars of thefuture? [Buck steps aside and we pull back to view theentire new cast lined up, waving to the audience whocheer and applaud. Finally, Buck steps forward andraises a hand.] All of them – all of these kids aregonna be spending the summer at NBC’s Comedy Camp inupstate New York – studying assiduously under thesupervision of NBC’s dean of comedy workshops, Mr.John Barbour! So, these kids will be back in the fallbut – we’ll be right back!

[Applause. Wider shot of the new cast waving, Buckjerks a thumb at them, nodding and smilingsupportively.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/24/80: Trader Nick’s

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 20

79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

Trader Nick’s

Nick “Lava”…..Bill Murray
…..Paul Shaffer
Prince Amanawahu…..Akira Yoshimura
Iris de Flaminio…..Jane Curtin
Richard Posniak…..Buck Henry
Lenora Posniak…..Laraine Newman
Joe Daddy…..Al Franken
…..Yvonne Hudson
Farrell Jones…..Garrett Morris
Kathy Gorley…..Gilda Radner
Woman at bar…..Anne Beatts

[ open on interior, Trader Nick’s, as Nick the Lounge Singer performs ]

Nick “Lava”: [ singing ]“He’s a cop from Oaho, who gets lots of sun
Famous Steve McGarrett!
And he packs a gu-u-u-u-un!”

Come on, Paul!

“If you need his number
It’s Hawaii Five-0!”

Thank you! Thank you! Welcome to Trader Nick’s, a little bit of the Hawaiian Islands right here in the Buffalo-Niagara Falls area. I’m your host, Nick “Lava”, and I’ll be humping my volcano ash for you, for the next little while or so. Hot day today? I know I built up a Hawaiian-sized thirst. I hope you take advantage of our exotic Polynesian specialties here at Trader Nick’s. THe man who put the “hi” in “Hawaiian”, a full-blooded Hawaiian — Prince Amanawahu. How you doing, Prince?

[ pan over to Prince Amanawahu working the blender ]

He’s busy working his magic right now, so let’s ask one of the prince’s lovely barmaidens — Princes Iris? [ Iris de Flaminio looks up ] Princess, would you point us down the dark road tonight?

Iris de Flaminio: [ husky-voiced ] Sure thing! For a night you may not remember, but you’ll never forget… I recommend the Kamikazee or the Missionary’s Downfall. But if you really want to get out of the blocks fast, try Trader Nick’s specialty — the Coconut Head Butter. It’s got three different fruit juices and five ounces of Bacardi 1-5-1. I gotta serve the drinks, Nick.

Nick “Lava”: [ laughing ] Yes, you do! And tell her why, Paul.

[ singing ]Oh, you may be the ambassador to England or Paree, France
You might like to gamble down in Atlantic City, you might like to dance disco-style.
You might be like Mohammed Ali, the heavyweight champion of the world
Or you might be at Trader Nick’s, serving insane guys and girls!
But you’re gonna have to SERVE somebody!”

Iris de Flaminio: [ singing ] “SERVE somebody!”

Nick “Lava”: And on a night like this, you young fellows are gonna have to TIP somebody, too! HUh?

Iris de Flaminio: TIP somebody, I’m SERIOUS!

Nick “Lava”: [ singing ]“You might be prince of a lifetime, or a couple of Navy frogs
But you’re gonna have to serve somebodyyyy!”

Somebody… anybody… for heaven’s sake! [ the room claps ] Hey! Aloha! Aloha, folks! How’s it going? How are you?

Richard Posniak: Oh, I guess we’re alright, this is our second Fog Cutter.

Nick “Lava”: [ laughing ] What’s your name, and where are you from?

Richard Posniak: I’m Mr. Richard Posniak, and we’re from Room 208 in the Castle Court Motel, just across the highway. [ he holds up his room key ]

Lenora Posniak: I’m Lenora Posniak. We have three kids in the room who finally fell asleep, and we’re here to forget the day!

Nick “Lava”: [ chuckling ] Having trouble on the vacation or something, huh?

Lenora Posniak: [ aggravated ] It’s not vacationing! We were relocated today from the Love Canal.

Nick “Lava”: Well, I’ll tell you… I’ve been following that story, and, you know, boy, I got a scare the other day. All of a sudden, I got one of these headaches in the back, everything tensed up, I started to go black, I thought: “Oh, my God! You know? Love Canal.” And then I realized, I’d been chugging frozen coladas all day! So, you know, I just cut back on my pace, and I’m fine now.

Richard Posniak: Good for you, Nick. How would you like to buy a 3-bedroom house real cheap?

Nick “Lava”: Hey — another round of Fog Cutters for this couple. They’re on Uncle Sam. This one’s for you, huh? Let’s do it. Hey, I hope you don’t move in with those Cubans, that would really be too bad.

[ Nick stands and sings ]

“Kiss today goodbye
And forget about tomorrow.
You did what you had to doooooo
Won’t regret!
Can’t forget!
What you did for love.
What you did for love.
What you did for love.”

Bless you. Thank you. [ to a group of high-schoolers ] Hey! What’s happening over at this table?

Teens: [ chanting ]“We’re poison ivy!
It’s our thing!
We do what we want to do!
Yayyyyyyyy, canker sores!”

Nick “Lava”: Okay, calm down, fellows. We’ve been very nice about not checking ID tonight, so let’s all behave and act like the nice mature, responsible adults I know you are. What’s your name, fellow?

Joe Daddy: Joe Daddy, Co-Captain.

Nick “Lava”: Okay. And who are you? Could you stand, please?

Yvonne Hudson: [ she stands ] Hi, I’m Yvonne Hudson, and this is my Love Jones!

Nick “Lava”: Love Jones?

Farrell Jones: [ standing ] Yeah, that’s right! Farrell Jones, Co-Captain and all-around love messenger! Uh, him and me, we’re co-captains of the baseball and the, you know, the football team.

Joe Daddy: Yeah, he played shortshop and halfback, and, uh, I was catcher and monster man!

Nick “Lava”: Well, that’s great. Enjoy, enjoy. And who is this lovely queen? Could you stand, please, lady? How are you?

Kathy Gorley: [ standing ] I’m, uh, Kathy Gorley, Senior Prom Queen.

Nick “Lava”: And how did you get to be the prom queen?

Kathy Gorley: How’d you get into show business, Trader?

Nick “Lava”: Well, I wasn’t elected unanimously! [ he laughs ] Well, you all nurse those Coconut Head Butters. Prom Night is a night to have fun, but let me tell you first sbout my prom, if you wnt to know about prom nights. I wrapped my old man’s Impala around an oak tree. I walked away, but my fiancee rode shotgun — she did not. The whole class went to her funeral two days later, it was a closed casket. So think about that later, on the way home. [ to Joe Daddy ] Do you have a theme for tonight’s prom?

Joe Daddy: [ sobering up ] Uh… “Stairway to Heaven”.

Nick “Lava”: [ to Paul ] Do I know that? [ Paul hits the piano ] Yeah. Led Zeppelin, right? I guess you’re probably a little too young to remember their first album, huh? “Communication Breakdown”? Well, enjoy. I’ll try to do it anyway.

[ singing ]“And as we wind on down the road!
Our shadows taller than our soul!
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show!
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last!
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to rolllllllllllllllllllllllllll!!

And she’s… buying… a stairway… to heaven.”

[ the crowd bursts into applause ]

Aloha! Aloha! Aloha! Enjoy.

[ camera pulls back on set, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Saturday Night Live Garage Sale” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/24/80: Week in Review

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 20

79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

Week in Review

Paul Heverly…..Bill Murray
Dick Drake…..Harry Shearer
Countess Luciana Palermo…..Jane Curtin
Leon Satin…..Garrett Morris
Hugh Gaffney…..Buck Henry

[ open on panelists whispering among themselves over jazzy music ] [ camera zooms in on Paul Heverly as the music fades ]

Paul Heverly: Good evening. Welcome to “Week in Review”. I’m your moderator, Paul Heverly. Well, it’s been a busy week in the news, and, uh, we have a lot to discuss. I can see that our panelists are anxious to get started, so let’s introduce them. First, our regulars: from The New York Post, Dick Drake.

[ SUPER: “Dick Drake (Pseudonym) New York Post” ]

…from the Midnight Globe, Countess Luciana Palermo.

[ SUPER: “Countess Luciana Palermo (Pen Name) Midnight Globe” ]

…from the National Enquirer, Leon Satin.

[ SUPER: “Leon Satin (Nom de Plume) National Enquirer” ]

…and our special guest, making his first appearance on the show, political analyst for the New York Times, Hugh Gaffney.

[ SUPER: “Hugh Gaffney, New York Times” ]

Paul Heverly: Is that your real name, Hugh?

Hugh Gaffney: [ confused ] Yes.

Paul Heverly: Huh. Huh. Well, Dick, let’s start with you: What’s the week’s top story?

Dick Drake: Well, Nick, I’d say this week’s top story HAS to be the woman whose baby was eaten by the German Shephard.

Paul Heverly: Now, Dick, you followed that story perhaps more closely than the rest of us. Was she a Devil worshipper?

Dick Drake: No. No, no, no. There was some speculation to that early in the week, but, in essence, she was a heroin addict, she simply left her alone in the apartment for several days with the German Shephard. I think every analyst would agree the dog had nothing to eat, and as a result ate the child.

Leon Satin: Uhhhh — man, you really think that’s a bigger story than the DIET that lets you eat ALL the chocolate you want… and STILL lose twenty pounds a week? Hmm?

Dick Drake: Well… let me put it this way: If there’d been one more just slightly bizarre twist the the German Shephard story —

Leon Satin: Yeah.

Dick Drake: Let’s sayyyyy she’d been on her way to the prom, for example, or… just won the lottery the night her baby was eaten. I think we’d be talking about one of the most significant stories of the year.

ountess Luciana Palermo: More significant than Loni Anderson’s operation to reduce her breast size?

Dick Drake: Well, I just don’t think anybody was surprised by that, believe it or not.

Hugh Gaffney: [ interrupting ] I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! But… wouldn’t you say that the TOP story was the Presidential race, that Carter and Reagan seem to have nailed down their parties’ nominations! [ he smiles satisfactorily but gets no response ]

Paul Heverly: Well, Countess, your paper ran a very big story this week on the Kennedy campaign.

Dick Drake: Yes, Nick! As you know, we learned that immediately after the accident at Chappaquiddick, the first person Teddy called was not his wife or a close advisor, but an attractive, busty German divorcee Helga Wagner.

Paul Heverly: I understand your paper printed a verbatim transcript of their phone conversation?

ountess Luciana Palermo: Oh, yes! It was a psychic reconstruction of the conversation, which we ran completely unedited.

Dick Drake: Countess. Am I wrong on this, or was she on her way to her Senior prom when she received the phone call from Kennedy?

ountess Luciana Palermo: Oh, nooooo. But wouldn’t it have been something if she HAD been?

Paul Heverly: Leon, with the summer months coming up, can we look forward to any more cattle mutilations or hammer murders? Uh, perhaps some manifestations of the spirit of Elvis Presley speaking through people’s air conditioner vents?

Leon Satin: Uhhh, certainly, man! It’s going to be a loooooong, hot summer! No question about that. BUT! I think the story that’s just NOT going to go away… is 10 Ways to Beat the Heat!

[ the panelists agree, as Hugh waves his hand ]

Paul Heverly: Hugh? You have a thought?

Hugh Gaffney: Yes. I’m sorry, I just can’t help but think that the economy is one of the major stories at the moment, simply because it affects SO many people.

[ the panelists stare silently at Hugh ]

Dick Drake: Well, I think perhaps what Hugh is trying to get at, is that when times are tough, people will be under a lot of emotional pressure. I think, if it’s me, I think we’ll see MORE stewardesses thrown in front of suburban trains, MORE groups of Japanese tourists doused with gasoline and set on fire — I agree with you.

Hugh Gaffney: Uh, no — I was thinking more of the effect of the recession on the average family.

ountess Luciana Palermo: [ excited ] Ohhhh! You mean like the Detroit auto worker with eight kids, who was laid off from his assembly-line job!

Hugh Gaffney: Yes!

ountess Luciana Palermo: And he went a little crazy, murdered his entire family and buried them in the neighbor’s back yard!

Hugh Gaffney: No! No!

Dick Drake: If I’m not mistaken, Countess, wasn’t that the night of his eldest daughter’s Senior Prom?

Hugh Gaffney: NO!

Dick Drake: No, I recall that.

Hugh Gaffney: That’s not — that’s not it!

Paul Heverly: Hugh, this sounds like a fascinating story. But, uh, unfortunately, we’ve run out of time. Perhaps you could come back on the show and you could tell us the story of this insane auto worker.

Dick Drake: I’d like to hear more about that.

Hugh Gaffney: I — I —

Paul Heverly: I’d like to thank our regulars — a berzerk auto worker! — I’d like to thank our regulars and our special guest. Hguh Gaffney. Good night from “Weeke in Review”.

[ jazzy them music pots back up, as a disgruntled Hugh Gaffney rises to shove copies of the New York Times into his briefcase ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] For a transcript of this program, send 75-cents to:
Suite 200 G
Palm Court Motor Hotel
Hollywood, Florida ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/24/80: Uncle Roy

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 20

79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

Uncle Roy

Betty…..Jane Curtin
Uncle Roy…..Buck Henry
Terri…..Laraine Newman
Tracy…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Betty’s living room, as the doorbell rings ] [ Bety rushes downstairs to answer the door to Roy ]

Betty: Oh, Roy, come in!

Uncle Roy: [ entering ] Long time, no see, Betty!

Betty: Now, it’s been too long, Roy, and I feel really badly about it. It’s just that my husband simply can’t phantom a 45-year old bachelor who wants to babysit a pair of BRATS for free.

Uncle Roy: [ laughing ] By the way, where is Arthur?

Betty: In Cleveland, whooping it up at another one of those microsurgical parts conventions.

Uncle Roy: Ah! And where are you off to, Betty?

Betty: A dinner party, but I’ll try to slip away early.

Uncle Roy: [ alarmed ] No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You stay as long as you want!

Betty: Oh, you’re too good, Roy. Now, Roy, I know it was you, not Santa, who replaced Terri’s old frayed bicylce seat with a brand new one. Don’t think that went unnoticed.

Uncle Roy: [ grinning ] Did, uh… Arthur notice?

Betty: Oh, he took it totally in the wrong way. And, you know, he was even suspicious about that extravagant anniversary present you sent us? [ she ackknowledges the glass coffee table in front of them ]

Uncle Roy: Well, I always thought this room needed a glass coffee table! [ he chuckles ] Anyway, where are my little darlings?

Betty: Oh! [ she walks over to the foot of the stairs ] Come on down, girls! I have a surprise for you! [ to Roy ] They’re gonna be SO excited, Roy!

[ Terri and Tracy come down the stairs ]


[ they rush over to hug him ]

Uncle Roy: Hello, my little cupcakes! [ he begins to pat each of them on the butt ]

Betty: Okay, control yourselves, girls! Now, Roy, don’t let these little MONSTERS walk all over you!

Uncle Roy: Don’t you worry! You’d better be running along, Betty!

Betty: Oh, you’re right. Now, behave yourselves, girls!


[ Betty exits ]

Terri: Oh, GOSH, we MISSED you, Uncle Roy! We asked Daddy to play Invisible Leg Doctor, and he didn’t even know how!

Tracy: Yeah! And, Uncle Roy, remember the time you filled the bathtub all up with water and went bobbing for bananas?

Uncle Roy: [ smiling ] I remember!

Terri: Yeah, and remember when you showed us Jumbo the One-Eared Elephant?

Tracy: Yeah! And… and… and the time you were Ruffy the Dog, and we de-wormed you?

Uncle Roy: Oh, yes! It was fun! And, if I’m not mistaken, Ruffy was gonna bury his bone in your backyard.

Terri: Yeahhhh! Hey, Uncle Roy — [ she stands on her head on the couch, with her butt sticking out ] What am I?

Uncle Roy: [ near drooling ] Too good to be true!

Terri: [ standing up ] No! I’m an ostrich with my head buried in the sand.

Tracy: Yeah! I’m an ostrich, too! [ they both bury their heads in the couch with their butts sticking out ] Look at me, look at me!

Uncle Roy: [ excited ] I’m looking! I’m looking! Now, girls, girls — I think that we are ready to play Uncle Roy Cousteau! [ he stands ] So, Tracy… Terri… let’s go deep sea diving in Uncle Roy’s pants!

Terri: [ digging in his pockets ] Yayyyyy! What are we looking for?

Uncle Roy: You’re looking for saltwater taffy! But I warn you — there are all kinds of STRANGE things lurking in the ocean! You might find precious pearls, or tangled beds of seaweed, and watch out for that old electric eel!

Tracy: Oh, wow! I found some candy!

Terri: Yay! Me, too! [ they eat their taffy ] Oh! Uncle Roy! Can we play Goofy Sisters?

Tracy: Yeahhhh!

Uncle Roy: Oh! What a good idea! Now, you run upstairs and get the panty hats! Okay? Go on! You go upstairs and fetch all your DIRTY little underthings! [ the girls run upstairs ] That’s right! Get them all, bring them all down! Don’t leave anything out!

Tracy: Okay, here we come! [ they slide down the banister ] Yayyyyy!! Here we come!

Uncle Roy: That’s a good girl!

Tracy: We got all the panties!

[ the girls jump onto the couch ]

Uncle Roy: Okay. Alright, give me the panty hats now. Uncle Roy has to play, too. That’s right! [ he puts a panty over his head and sniffs ] These are Terri’s… [ he puts another panty over his head ] And these are Tracy’s.

Tracy: [ laughing ] Oh! Uncle Roy always guesses right!

[ the girls put panties on their heads ]

Uncle Roy: Now, girls, I’ve got an idea! Goofy Uncle Roy Cousteau is going to take the Goofy Sisters for a ride in the glass-bottom boat! This is for the back page of the Goofy News!

Terri & Tracy: Yayyyyy!! Yeah, that’s good!! Here we go!!

[ Tracy and Terri pull up their pajamas and sit on top of the glass coffee table, as Roy lies down underneath and begins to take pictures ] [ suddenly, Better re-enters and approaches the scene ]

Betty: I hope I’m not interrupting anything.

Terri & Tracy: Hi, Mommy!! Hi, Mommy!!

Uncle Roy: [ panicking, still underneath the coffee table ] I can explain EVERYTHING!! Uh…

Betty: There’s no need to explain. I know a Goofy Sisters phot session when I see one. [ amused ] Roy, what you let these MONSTERS get away with! [ Roy crawls up to the surface ] Oh, now, girls… you should be more respectful of your Uncle Roy. Now, anyway, it’s WAY past your bedtime! Now, MARCH! Come on!

Terri & Tracy: Ohhh, okay…

Tracy: Good night, Uncle Roy! Please come back! Don’t forget us!

Uncle Roy: Good night! Sweet dreams!

Terri & Tracy: Good night, Mom!!

[ the girls kiss Uncle Roy good night and run upstairs ]

Betty: Oh, dear… [ she chuckles ]

Uncle Roy: What are you doing back so early, Betty?

Betty: Well, the fact is, Roy, I couldn’t face making small talk when the real truth is… [ she removes Roy’s panty hat ] Oh, I hate to burden you with this, Roy, but… [ she sighs ] I think I’m on the verge of a divorce.

Uncle Roy: [ stunned ] What do you mean?

Betty: This is the third microsurgical convention in two months. Roy, I’m convinced that Arthur’s seeing someone else.

Uncle Roy: You deserve BETTER than that, Betty!

Betty: That’s why I thought I’d leave Arthur and move back to San Francisco with the girls.

Uncle Roy: [ alarmed ] NO!! NO!!

Betty: Oh, I know what you’re thinking, Roy! I’ll be uprooting them, taking them out of school…

Uncle Roy: Call me an old fogey, if you will, but marriage is for KEEPS! [ he grabs the panty hat from her ] You’ve GOT to think of the girls! That’s who I’m thinking of.

Betty: You know… you’re right? I guess I was just being selfish!

Uncle Roy: [ hopeful ] And you won’t take the girls away?

Betty: [ thinking ] No, I… guess I’ll stick it out. Thanks for the shoulder, it’s… it’s a shame every family can’t have an Uncle Roy. You’re one in a million!

Uncle Roy: [ slyly ] Oh, there’s… more of me than you might suspect! [ he holds the panty hat to his face and smiles ] [ zoom out on set, with SUPER: “Coming up next… Cable Tunnelvision” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bob Newhart: 05/10/80: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
…..Al Franken

Announcer: And now “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin, Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: Despite outraged protests from Saudi Arabia, PBS will broadcast “Death of a Princess”, a controversial docu-drama which tells the story of a Saudi princess who was executed for the crime of adultery. The Saudis have threatened to go into productino of their own docu-drama, entitled “Death of a Jewish-American Princess”, about a girl from Great Neck, Long Island who dies from complications of a nose job.

Out of the Rose Garden for the first time in six months, President Carter said he would have attended President Tito’s funeral, only if the late Yugoslav leader was buried in Philadelphia where Carter was campaigning.

And Pope John Paul II is calling his trip to Africa a “complete success.” The Pontiff has baptized thousands, exchanged ideas with African leaders, and recruited several good-looking prospects for the Vatican baskbetball team.


Bill Murray: In a surprising victory for President Carter, the Russian Olympic Committee voted unanimously to boycott their own Summer Games in Moscow. The Soviets said that Carter’s boycott forced them to take a long, hard look at themselves, and they are ashamed at their own behavior.

Researchers at the NYU Medical School have discovered that, by applying ice packs to their testicles, they can raise the sperm count and cure certain types of male sterility. Subjects who tested this cold-compress treatment were able to impregnate their wives, who gave birth to Eskimos.

And a dozen of Thomas’s English Muffins, wearing pencil-thin mosutaches, were able to talk their way into the Library of Congress this morning, and stole a copy of “Treasure Island” by Robert Louis Stevenson. It’s the fourth time this year that muffin made it past library security.


Jane Curtin: Almost 30,000 refugees have sailed from Cuba to Florida in the past two weeks. There was some concern that, among the refugees, are hundreds of social undesirables, such as mental patients, violent criminals, friends of Bebe Riboso, and members of Desi Arnaz’s original band.

The St. Petersburg Highway Department had to collapse the Tampa Bay Bridge yesterday, in order to apprehend a car that drive onto the bridge without paying the toll. The car apologizes to other cars and buses that were inconvenienced by the incident.

The remains of The Three Stooges were put on display at the Tate Gallery in London, last week. As always, Curly was the most popular.


Bill Murray: Thank you. [ holding up paper ] This just in — Secretary of State Edwin Muskie has just resigned because of a dispute with President Carter over next week’s surprise hostage rescue attempt. Carter is trying to get Muskie to postpone his decision until after the attempt fails.

And Rosie Ruiz surprised everyone when she finished first in the South Carolina Democratic Primary last Tuesday. State election officials had doubts, however, claiming she entered the race at the last minute. But Rosie tearfully continued to stick to her story that she DID run in the Primary, and she plans to keep the deledates she won, taking them with her on a camping trip to the Pocono Mountains.

[ image: Jane Curtin smiling with Walter Cronkite ] CBS News anchorman Walter Cronkite categorically denied reports that he would accept the nomination as John Anderson’s running mate. Cronkite, shown here with a local hosebag, repeated the denial in his own familiar words, “That’s the way it is.”

Jane, just what did you have to do to get Mr. C. to pose with you?

Jane Curtin: [ snidely ] Bill, I don’t have to tell you a thing — as a journalist, I’m protected by the First Amendment!

Bill Murray: Well, good — at least you used some protection.

Jane Curtin: And now to talk about himself, is Weekend Update’s Social Sciences Editor Al Franken. Al?

Al Franken: Thanks, Jane! Since the Al Franken Decade started, a lot of people have been coming up and asking what they can do for me… Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Now, the other day I was standing outside of Rockefeller Center, trying to get a cab, and I was trying to think what I was going to do for this week’s spot… and I came up with this GREAT idea! This hilarious idea! And then, some guy… walks up to me, and he says, “Hey! Al Franken!” [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] “I’m sorry to bother you… but I’d just like to say I really enjoy your work.” So I say, “Get lost, I’m trying to think.” So the guy leaves, and by this time… I’ve forgotten the idea. This great idea I’d be doing for you now, if it hadn’t been for this SCUM… who interrupted my thought process. Okay — so I get in the cab, and I start thinking: “How did this happen to me, Al Franken?” [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] And I figured it happened because I was trying to get a cab. I should have… a limosine. I mean, let’s be reasonable: Here I am — Al Franken [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] — one of NBC’s few bright spots… and I’m forced to wait for taxis with you ordinary people out on the street. So I started thinking: “Who does NBC give limos to, anyway?”

Okay — now there are some cast members here on “Saturday Night Live” who do get limo service from NBC. I’m not gonna complain about that. These people are my friends, it would seem a bit… petty. But Garrett? Okay. Anyway… I found out that NBC gives limosines to Tom Snyder and to Gary Coleman. Now, taste aside, these guys do star in their own shows, so I can’t really complain about them, either. But now, get this — who know who gets complete door-to-door limo service from NBC? Fred Silverman. Now, here’s a guy… who is a total, unequivocal failure. Okay? The guy’s been here two years… and he hasn’t done diddly-squat. Okay? And he gets a limo! Okay… [ he grabs a chart ] now, here’s a list of the top ten-rated shows this season in TV. Now, there’s some A’s there… some B’s… some C’s… uh… some S’s. You see those? You see any N’s? Not one N! [ he puts the chart down ] Why? ‘Cause Silverman is a lame-o! But he still gets limosine service. I like to call it “A Limo for the Lame-o.”

Okay. Now, this is where you come in, and you can help me… Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] I want all of you to write NBC and pressure them to get me a limosine. Now, just send a letter or a postcard to:

c/o Fred Silverman
30 Rockefeller Center Plaza
New York, N.Y. 10020

Now, this is VERY IMPORTANT! Write this address down, NOW! Get a pencil and paper, and write it down! Here, I’ll wait for you. [ he waits ] Now, I’m sure you’ve got a pencil SOMEWHERE in the house. Go get it. Don’t worry — I’ll yell… I’ll YELL so you won’t miss anything! [ yelling ] Now, if ENOUGH of you write… Silverman will HAVE TO GIVE ME THE LIMO!! Even though I’ve just DECIMATED HIM, that’s the WAY THINGS ARE AROUND HERE! He’s TIMID, INDECISIVE, and he’s EASILY PRESSURED!! HE’s WEAK!! Okay — once again, now that you’re back. That’s:

c/o Fred Silverman
30 Rockefeller Center Plaza
New York, N.Y. 10020

Okay. Now, if this works, and I get my limo, you’ll be doing me… Al Franken [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] a great favor! And, hopefully, I won’t be bothered by people like you! But if you do happen to see me getting out of my limo, or maybe in a fancy hotel or restaurant, or perhaps this summer in London or Paris or Minneapolis… don’t come up to me unless you happen to be an attractive female, who is prepared to engage in sexual intercourse with me… Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Thank you!

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Al. That’s the news. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! Have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/17/80

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 19

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

May 17th, 1980

Steve Martin


Paul & Linda McCartney



Weekend Update Exclusive ReportSummary: It’s been 122 days since Paul McCartney was busted for possession of marijuana, and Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) hopes to land an exclusive interview.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.



Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin recites a series of tenets entitled “What I Believe”.


Real Incredible PeopleSummary: Overly enthusiastic hosts (Steve Martin, Gilda Radner, Bill Murray, Harry Shearer, Laraine Newman) are amazed by the normal feats of everyday people.


Messy BurglarsSummary: Franklin (Bill Murray) and Phil (Steve Martin) break into a couple’s (Harry Shearer, Laraine Newman) just so they can make a mess, but then their mothers (Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner) break in to clean up the mess.

3-D performs “All-Night Television”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) tries to serenade Paul McCartney dwonstairs by singing a medley of Beatles tunes.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.


The HominidsSummary:


Weekend Update Exclusive Report IISummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) finally gets Paul and Linda McCartney’s attention and conducts his interview.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.


Paul McCartney performs “Coming Up”

Reagan DinnerSummary:

Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan.


Stretch MarksSummary: The new album from aging songstress Patty Caldwell (Gilda Radner).


Deer CrossingSummary: A pair of deer (Steve Martin, Gilda Radner) cautiously try to cross the interstate after other deer (Bill Murray, Tom Davis) are hit by passing cars.



SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/17/80: Messy Burglars

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 19

79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Messy Burglars

Husband…..Harry Shearer
Wife…..Laraine Newman
Phil…..Steve Martin
Franklin…..Bill Murray
Sadie…..Jane Curtin
Ruth…..Gilda Radner

[ FADE IN: ]


[ A HUSBAND and WIFE are assembling a jigsaw puzzle of Mount Rushmore while seated on a sofa. ]

Wife: Look! I think we’re starting to get Lincoln’s face.

Husband: No, no — that’s not his face…

[ Husband points to another area of the puzzle. ]

Husband: No, no — his face would be over here… that’s a cloud!

[ Wife examines the puzzle’s box. ]

Wife: I don’t see a cloud!

Husband: Look at the cover —

[ Two armed burglars, PHIL and FRANKLIN, burst into the room . ]


Franklin: Don’t move or we’ll blow your brains out!!!

[ Wife cowers into her the Husband’s arms. ]

Wife: Honey…

Husband: It’s all right, sweetheart. Let’s just do as they say and I’m sure we’ll get out alive!

Phil: It’s all right, sweetheart. Let’s just, mister! This won’t take very long… Franklin, over there…

[ Franklin jumps over to another area of the living room and starts trashing the area and laughing hysterically. Phil does the same. ]

Wife: Honey, I’m scared! Are they going to do anything to us?

Husband: I don’t think they’re going to do anything to us. Once they get what they’re coming for, I think they’re going to leave.

Phil: Shut up, you two!

[ Franklin presses his pistol on top of the Wife’s head. ]

Franklin: I told you to keep your TRAPS shut!!!

[ Phil and Franklin continue to trash the place and insanely laugh. Phil starts destroying the jigsaw puzzle, much to the disgust of the couple. ]

Phil: You okay, Frankie?

Franklin: Yeah, Phil — I’m all right!

[ Phil and Franklin make their way to front door, open it, and aim their pistols at the couple. ]

Phil: Okay now, don’t get cute and try calling the cops!

[ Franklin grabs the couple’s phone, examines it with Phil, disconnects the cord, and shares an idiotic laugh with Phil. ]

Phil: What a great mess!

Franklin: It was nice to meet you!

[ Both depart. ]

Wife: Oh my God!

Husband: It’s all right, dear — it’s all over. They’re gone.

Wife: I didn’t see them take anything… Did you?

Husband: No! That was the odd thing.

[ Husband gets off the couch and grabs the phone off the floor. ]

Husband: This place sure is a mess!

[ Two armed elderly women, SADIE and RUTH, burst into the room. ]

Sadie: FREEZE!

Ruth: Don’t move or we’ll blow your brains out!!!

Wife: Honey…

[ Sadie presses her pistol against the Wife’s neck. ]

Sadie: Shut up, little lady and no one will get hurt!!!

[ Ruth points her pistol at the Husband. ]

Ruth: You drop that phone and sit down! DROP IT! Now, SIT DOWN!!!

[ Husband drops the phone. ]

Husband: Yes, Ma’am.

[ Ruth joins Sadie. Husband consoles the Wife in his arms. ]

Sadie: Now, did two young men just come in here and do this to your apartment?

Husband: Yes, Ma’am!

Ruth: And did their names happen to be Franklin and Philip?

Wife: Yes, they just left! Who are you?

Ruth: We’re their mothers and we’re here to clean up. [beat] All right, Sadie — you take that side of the room, and I’ll take this side.

[ Wife gets up. ]

Wife: Maybe we can help you with something?

[ Sadie plunks the Wife back on the sofa. ]

Sadie: Not on your life! [beat] You better keep an eye on this one, Ruth…

[ Sadie drags Phil over to Franklin. A pistol is lodged to his side. ]

Sadie: And what about you, Philip?

Phil: I’m sorry, too. We made a mess. We shouldn’t have and it won’t happen again.

Ruth: Okay everybody — thank you very much! We’ll just be on our way, now. Sorry for the trouble.

[Ruth starts browbeating Franklin’s back with her pistol. ]

Ruth: I told you once, Franklin — I’ve told you a thousand times not to do something like this.

Franklin: You don’t have to browbeat me, mother.

[ The mothers and their sons depart. ]

Wife: Now, what?

[ Husband snaps his fingers. ]

Husband: I call the maid! Tell her she doesn’t have to come in tomorrow.

[ Wife nods her head. Both go back to assembling the puzzle. ]

[ Camera PANS OUT to show the Studio 8H audience applauding. ]


Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts | Time Warner Cable Packages | Special Cable TV Promotions |

Stretch Marks

Stretch Marks

Patty Caldwell…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: Now, at last, an album for career women in their late30’s – featuring the expressive, the moody, the 38-year-old Patty Caldwell. Finally reaching maturity with her new LP release, Stretch Marks.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]“Stretch Marks. Stretch Marks.
Footprints of time on my skin..

Announcer: Patty Caldwell reaches back into her own experiences, to bring back to life tunes like “I Used to be Quite Interesting, Really”, “F-U-L-L-F-I-L-L-M-E-N-T”.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]“F-U-L-L-F-I-L-L-M-E-N-T.
That’s what this boy does to me.
F-U-L-L-F-I-L-L-M-E-N-T.That’s what life means to me.

Announcer: “I Feel Sorry For People in Love”. “My Songs Are My Children”.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]“I’m married to music.
My songs are my children.
I’m married to music.
My songs are my kids.
I’m married to music..

Announcer: “Bad Child”. “Cats”. “You Call Me Bitch One More Time I’ll Scratch Your Eyes Out”. Patty shares her lonely moments with you, in songs like “You’ll Be Sorry Someday”.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]“You’ll be sorry someday..
when she begins to look like me.
Is that your car..?

Announcer: “Kids – It’s Academic Now (Too Risky)”. “Me and Me Against the World”. “Yesterday’s Dreams”. “Droopin'”. “Vantage Blues”.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]“Fifty bucks in the ashtray.
I’ve got those vantage blues again..”

Announcer: “My Niece is Such a Drag”. “Man’s World Without Men”. Patty Caldwell lets it all hang out, with her new Stretch Marks. This album is not available in record stores. Send your check or money order to: Stretch Marks, Grand Central Station, Box 202. Only $8.75 for the record album, or $11.15 for 8-track cassette.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]“Stretch Marks. Stretch Marks.
Footprints of time on my skin..

Announcer: Hurry. She’s getting older.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/17/80: Deer Crossing

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 19

79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Deer Crossing

Deer #1…..Steve Martin
Deer #2….Gilda Radner
Cow…..Garrett Morris
Deer #3…..Bill Murray
Female Motorist…..Jane Curtin
Male Motorist…..Al Franken
Deer #4…..Tom Davis

[ open on Deer Crossing sign at the edge of an interstate highway, as two deer standing on hind legs run forward ] [ they watch and wait as the sound of cars zoom by, then make an effort to cross the interstate while no cars are passing ] [ suddenly, they quickly turn back as the sound of a passing car fast approaches ] [ they make another attempt to cross, but run back when they see a car coming ] [ just then, a cow wanders in on two hind legs ]

Cow: Moooooo! Say… excuse me! But do you know if there might be a Cattle Crossing near?

Deer #1: [ pointing with his hoof ] Uh — there’s one about a mile up the road. But you’re welcome to cross here, if you’d like.

Cow: Noooooooooo, that’s okay! Thank you!

[ the cow slowly ambles off ]

Deer #1: Take care! [ to his fellow deer ] Boy, was he lost! Can you believe that!

[ they watch cars zoom past ]

Deer #1: Now, normally I would have crossed here… but since you’re with me, I’d rather not.

Deer #2: Thank you, Deer!

[ a third Deer hops forward on his hind legs ]

Deer #3: Been waiting long?

Deer #2: Yeah. It’s pretty bad today.

Deer #1: I don’t know how they picked this spot. It’s a pretty ridiculous place for a Deer Crossing.

Deer #3: [ chuckling ] Yeah, well, I can’t wait all day. I’m going.

Deer #2: Don’t! Are you crazy?

Deer #3: [ chuckling ] Look, they have to stop! Right? It’s a Deer Crossing! I’m out of here!

[ he hops across the street ]

Deer #1: [ calling out ] I don’t think they have to stop!

[ suddenly, a car slams on its brakes and screeches along the road, as it collides with the dear ]

Female Motorist: Oh, honey! Couldn’t you stop?!

Male Motorist: It shot right out in front of me! Come on, let’s go!

[ they slam their doors and pull away, as more traffic passes at a rapid pace ] [ the two deer continue to watch for an opening, as a fourth deer bounds forward on its two hind legs, looks sadistically at the first two deer, then hops right onto the interstate without looking ] [ he can be heard getting clipped by a car, and momentarily returns to the other two deer, clutching his side and gasping as he retreats into the woods ]

Deer #2: Do you think maybe we ought to come back later?

Deer #1: [ he observes passing traffic for a moment ] Let’s go find a salt lick on the other side of the road.

[ they turn and walk back into the woods ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Time Warner Cable Packages | Special Cable TV Promotions |