Frank Sinatra … Joe Piscopo Jerry Hemphill … Tony Rosato Melissa … Gail Matthius Harold Duffy … Tim Kazurinsky
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Frank Sinatra!
(Frank comes down the stairs and takes center stage. An American flag backdrop unfurls behind him.)
Frank Sinatra: (sings) It’s time for you It’s time for you I’m tellin’ you that dreams come true Come on baby, it’s time, time, time It’s time for youuuuu!
Frank Sinatra: Thank you very much. You’re marvelous. Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. This is Francis Albert reminding you that it is time, it’s time that — for all of us to start buying and driving American cars. Recently I visited the Motor City, and I have to be quite honest with you, that I did not like what I saw. Capisce? Thousands, thousands and thousands of beautiful guys and chicks out of work because you are not buying American cars. Now I’d like you to meet one of the guys America forgot, if you’d be so kind, please welcome, from the United Auto Workers of America, Jerry Hemphill, ladies and gentlemen!
(Jerry emerges wearing a mechanic’s uniform and carrying a tool box. He sets down the tool box.)
Frank Sinatra: It’s, it’s very nice to have you here, Jerry. Speak. (points the microphone towards Jerry)
Jerry: Thank you, tha – good to be here, Frank. Well Frank, I-I used to work for Chrysler, and uh, I was installing power seat assemblies, until I got laid off, uh … well it’s bad enough for me and my old lady, you know, but uh, it’s hard to see the kids staying at home, just uh, starving.
Frank Sinatra: (points to the camera) You hear that, America? Because you do not care enough to drive and buy American cars.
Jerry: That’s right, Frank, I’ll tell ya, these people, they just build their cars, out of cheap, thin aluminum! Now I’ve got something to show you here, Frank …
(He opens his tool box and takes out a beer can)
Frank Sinatra: We’re talkin’ foreign labor here. We’re talkin’ Japs, ladies and gentlemen.
Jerry: This is a Japanese beer can, right here, Fred. Now you see how they’re cheap, thin aluminum.
(He picks up a bowling ball, also from the tool box.)
Jerry: Now your, your American cars, your American cars are built solid, like a J.C. Higgins bowling ball! You follow me, Frank? Huh?
Frank Sinatra: I got you, Jerry.
(Jerry smashes the beer can against the bowling ball, then says to the audience)
Jerry: You just thank God your family wasn’t in HERE. (indicates the crushed beer can)
Frank Sinatra: Thank you very much. Jerry Hemphill, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much, Jerry.
Frank Sinatra: Thank you so much. And now I’d like uh, viewers to meet someone that wasn’t so lucky, ladies and gentlemen.
(A nurse brings out a little girl, Melissa, in a wheelchair.)
Frank Sinatra: Tell us your name, sweetheart.
Frank Sinatra: Melissa, tell the people your story.
Melissa: (speaking quickly) Well, my dad got one of those cheap, Japanese cars, you know, and we were going to my grandmother’s house you know for dinner, and um, and my dad ran into this cow, and he hurt the cow real bad, and I had to go to the hospital — (sobs) — and now I can’t play with the other children.
Frank Sinatra: God bless you, sweetheart.
Melissa: (cries) … and now I can’t even do that …
Frank Sinatra: Okay America, you wanna know the reason to stop buyin’ Jap cars? Huh? I got a thousand reasons …
(SUPER: photo of a cemetery)
Frank Sinatra: … like the rows upon rows of simple white crosses that mark the graves at Arlington National Cemetery.
(SUPER: photo of Pearl Harbor being blown up)
Frank Sinatra: I take you back to December 7th, 1941. And the story of a young gunner aboard the USS Arizona.
(Back to Frank.)
Frank Sinatra: Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed my honor to introduce to you, Harold Duffy, US Navy, retired.
(Applause as Harold emerges, giving a salute with his right arm – his only arm.)
Frank Sinatra: (points to the stump) Okay chief, tell ’em how it happened.
Harold: Oh, I remember, I was playin’ the harmonica and laughin’ it up with some of my buddies ‘board the USS Arizona n’ then … from outta nowhere came them Jap planes … them machine guns spittin’ death … I lost my best buddy that day, Frank.
Frank Sinatra: I know what you mean. When we were shooting “From Here to Eternity,” I had to leave the set every day because of the tears in my eyes.
Harold: Frank … when you think of that, the next time you see a friend or neighbor drivin’ one of them Jap mobiles, you tell them that the same tuna-heads, that put together the assembly of that, that durn thing are, probably the same people who’re responsible for jammin’ bamboo chutes under these — (holds up his stump, then holds up his right hand) — THESE fingernails.
Frank Sinatra: Ouch.
Harold: Well who can understand the Oriental mind, Frank? I tell ya, the … you-you’re talkin’ about a people who build their houses out of paper. People who, who build their uh, who — they call their planes Zeroes … they call their boats JUNKS!
Frank Sinatra: Wait, wait — for the record, chief, I think the Junks are Chinese, not Japanese.
Harold: (becoming more hostile) What’s the difference?! You ‘member on Bonanza, whenever there was a range war, where the hell was Hop Sing anyway, huh? And you’re buyin’ cars from, from people that — they eat raw fish! Think of that! How would you like to open the glove compartment of, of your Honda, and find …
(He pulls a large trout out of his suit and wiggles it around.)
Harold: … one of THESE in here?!
Frank Sinatra: Thank you very much. Harold Duffy, ladies and gentlemen, US Navy, retired, from the USS Arizona.
Frank Sinatra: Thank you, Harold Duffy … After, after hearing all these beautiful people speak tonight, there is only one thing I can say … (music swells up)
(sings) Let’s strive for America Strive for America Each time I see those Datsun Z’s I wanna punch out a Japanese Go to hell, Toyota Drop dead, Subaru Let’s ride for America Take pride in Americaaa … Let’s drive for America Old Red, I’m talkin, White, And a-Bluuuuuuuuue!
…..Chevy Chase Raheem Abdul Monhammed…..Eddie Murphy …..Laurie Metcalf …..Al Franken
Announcer: [ snooty ] This edition of “Weekend Update” is brought to you by… Smitt-Burney. Where we make money the old-fashioned way — WE STEAL IT!
[ dissolve to Chevy Chase on the phone at the news desk ]
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase: No, no… I think just a firm and gentle tug on the string, and… [ he snaps his fingers, then sees the camera ] Gotta go! [ he hangs up ] Good evening. I’m Chevy Chase, and… you still aren’t.
In the top of the news tonight… [ he flips a sheet over ] The war in El Salvador ended today, apparently, when the last villager in the entire country was shot in the head.
Well, actress MacKenzie Phillips and her father John Phillips said today that they have been offered all forms of drugs for one full year, but have finally gotten their heads together. Here they are seen celebrating having just announced their wedding plans.
As you all know, there has been a controversy over the so-called missing jokes of President Reagan, told between a Hilton Hotel and George Washington University Hospital. We at “Weekend Update” have located the missing jokes. The first, told between Avenue M and 19th Street, was: “Are we in Philadelphia, or are you just glad to see me?” The second, told as the limosine passed a red light on Avenue P, was: “I feel like a hundred dollars.” Secret Servicemen next chuckled when President Reagan said: “Who’s on first?” There will be more jokes upcoming, we’re sure!
This, uh — [ Chevy attempts to say “This just in”, but trips on his tongue and playfully sputters gibberish to the audience’s delight ]
This just in from Israel, where Talmudic scholars claim to have unearthed startling evidence that God may be Black. According to the report, the original Hebrew of the Old Testement, which is mistranslated, and the passage was: “I am that I am” should read: “I is what I is.” More on this story as it develops.
Alexander Haig, on his trip to the Mideast, stopped off at the Vatican to visit Pope John Paul, where he discovered that the Pope was away. Haig immediately announced: “I’m in control here.” [ points to the Pope’s photo ] The Pope!
Chevy Chase: Well, with a look at what’s going on in cinema, here’s “Weekend Update” film critic Raheem Abdul Mohammed.
Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Thank you, Chevy Chase! Look here — last week I went to see “Stir Crazy” over at the Twin Theater on 42nd at Broadway. Now, I like Twin Theater — I see all my movies at Twin Theater. But I wish I hadn’t seen “Stir Crazy”, ’cause, see, I was confused. Now, I don’t know why people are saying “Stir Crazy” is so funny. First of all, they had Gene Wilder in this isolation tank for half the movie, with these wires and whatnot all over him, right? Then, later on, his arms start swelling up and he turns into a caveman! I didn’t think that part was funny. Then, when he was in the hour, Gene Wilder’s feet turned into MONKEY feet! And the most ridiculous part about it was, later on, Gene Wilder turned into Richard Pryor… and was running around the city buck-naked with some dogs chasing him. I had to feel bad for him. They must have filmed that part after he got burnt or something, I didn’t think that was him. Then he went to the zoo and threw soem rocks at a deer — I didn’t understand that, either. And then all of a sudden, Gene Wilder was laying on the rock buck-naked again. That was too deep for me. Don’t take your kids. And another thing — people you see on the commercials, they be talking about: “We bad, that’s right.” I didn’t see that in the WHOLE movie! So if somebody walk up to you and say, “Hey, man, you see ‘Stir Crazy’?” You tell them Raheem Abdul Mohammed told you it wasn’t very damn funny! Back to you, Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase: Thank you, Raheem.
Raheem Abdul Mohammed: You welcome!
[ Chevy holds out his hand for a shake ]
Raheem Abdul Mohammed: You want to buy some reefer?
[ Chevy glances off-camera ]
Raheem Abdul Mohammed: We talk about that later, Chevy.
Chevy Chase: At a press conference in Moscow this week, Soviet Premier Leonid Breznev proclaimed that he would give the Polish Communist Party more time to work out its problems. Putting his hands over his eyes, the president then said: [ puts his hands over his eyes ] “One-thousand one… one-thousand two…one-thousand three…” [ he lowers his hands ] Then he did this: [ he rips a sheet in paper in half ] I don’t know why!
[ image: train wreck ] Well, it was a bad day for the Little Engine That Could. It couldn’t, and it didn’t.
Chevy Chase: Actor Jimmy Stewart said last week that he’d take a bullet for the President. We sent “Weekend Update” reporter Laurie Metcalf to ask New Yorkers if they, like Jimmy Stewart, would take a bullet for the President, and if so, where?
[ cut to New York street scenes ]
Laurie Metcalf V/O: Would you take a bullet for the President?
Random New Yorker: Uh — no, ma’am. No.
Laurie Metcalf V/O: Is there someone you would take a bullet for?
Random New Yorker: Yes, I would, uh, I would take a bullet for, uh, my family or my children or my wife or my loved ones, something like that.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: I would take any particular part of my body to protect the President from any assault or any harm to himself.
[ cut to Metcalf and a New Yorker ]
Laurie Metcalf V/O: Jimmy Stewart said, when President Reagan was wounded, that he would have taken the bullet. Would you take a bullet for a president?
Random New Yorker: [ leaning into the microphone ] Why not? It’s our patriotic duty to defend our president.
[ cut to Metcalf with another New Yorker ]
Laurie Metcalf V/O: Would you take a bullet for a president?
Random New Yorker: Nope.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: No.
Laurie Metcalf V/O: Who would you take a bullet for?
Random New Yorker: I’d take it for my mother, that’s it.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: Honestly speaking? Uh — I would.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: Not on the tri-system of justice, no way! Unfortunately for us, what would be the point?
Laurie Metcalf V/O: Who would you take a bullet for?
Random New Yorker: When this country gets back to law-and-order, THAT’S when I think about taking a bullet the president!
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: I wouldn’t take it for the president, if he wouldn’t take it for me.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Laurie Metcalf V/O: Would you take a bullet for the President?
Random New Yorker: Sure.
Laurie Metcalf V/O: Uh — where would you take the bullet?
Random New Yorker: Anywhere it was coming — head, chest, stomach…
Laurie Metcalf V/O: If you could choose?
Random New Yorker: If I could choose? Yeah, I’d rather take it in the arm.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: I would take it in the brain.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: Probably, I would try to take it in my arm or my leg.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: Well, I’m not gonna take it in the head.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: I never gave it a thought.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: I’d probably jump up high — that way, if the bullet came, it would probably hit in the chest or something… or maybe in the back. It wouldn’t be enough to kill, but enough to cripple, and at the same time, my thought, being a friend of the president, would block him.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: That’s a tough question to ask, would I take it for someone else. No one could answer that. To be honest with you, I really don’t know.
[ cut to Laurie Metcalf ]
Laurie Metcalf: That’s how New Yorkers feel. This is Laurie Metcalf, “Weekend Update”.
[ dissolve to Weekend Update slide ] [ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk, trying to flick a booger off of his fingers ] [ Chevy looks up, surprised to see the camera on him ]
Chevy Chase: Thank you!
Secretary of State Alexander Haig is also visiting the Middle East and Spain. While in Spain, the Secretary got a case of the Touristas. Haig held a news conference and said, “I’m in control.”
Speaking of Spain, Generalissimo FRancisco Franco remains deceased at this time. For up-to-the-minute news concerning any change in his condition, please stay tuned to this station.
A sad piece of news came in today from the Bedford Hills Prison, where Jean Harris is serving a sentence of fifteen years. At noon yesterday, she made her second suicide attempt. Two cellmates, three wardens, and a priest were killed.
Well, Las Vegas psychic Tamara Rand announced today that she is changing her name to “Yesterday”. She gave no reason for her decision. [ glancing at news sheet ] The writer’s strike continues…
In a comprehensive report released by the White House to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee today, the administration announced that, heretofore, the nations of South Africa, Zaire, Angola, Chad, Ethiopia, and Liberia.
In an attempt to modernize its services, the Catholic Church has introduced something new into Communion. In addition to dispensing the host, priests will now, also, dispense a co-host, which symbolizes the body of Mike Douglas.
[ Chevy pushes his news sheet off the side of the desk ]
Despite the recent attack on his father, it’s business-as-usual for Ronald Reagan, Jr., shown here dancing in the ballet: “The Flaming Dip.”
In people today, Erik Estrada, the actor, severely lacerated the inside portion of his ankle recently, while merely attempting to start his motorycle during the filming of a “CHiPs” episode. The 1000 CC bike then fell on his hair and hand, causing inexplicable publicity. Sources close to Estrada said they laughed and laughed.
Chevy Chase: [ holding up news sheet ] Hey, look at this!
[ image: two Sammy Davis, Jrs. on a stamp ] This just in, again: Here’s a mint issue of Zimbabwe’s first Air Mail stamp. [ Chevy appears confused ]
More really bad news for the Columbia space shuttle. Not only has a take-off been delayed for over two years, but at two o’clock today, Lt. Strickland of the Canaveral Police issued the shuttle a parking ticket, with fines exceeding $3 million. [ he chuckles ] “We tried to be lenient,” the lieutenant said, “but they’ve been here two years, and it is a six-hour zone.”
Chevy Chase: And now, to talk about the new “Saturday Night Live” staf and, of course, himself, is former “Weekend Update” correspondent, Mr. Al Franken. Al?
Al Franken: Thanks, Chevy. It’s nice to see someone else from the old show. [ he smiles impishly ] You know, most of you probably know me, Al Franken… [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] from the Al Franken Decade reports I did last year. Or from the Franken & Davis shows that my partner, Tom Davis, and I did over the five years of the original “Saturday Night Live”. Now, during the past six months, I have suffered countless instances of personal embarrassment, from people coming up to me, Al Franken… [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] and saying, “Hey, Al! Al Franken! Are you still writing for the show?” Or, “Al! Al Franken! How’s the show going?” Well, I’m here tonight to set the record straight. I am not involved, in any way, with the new “Saturday Night Live”.
[ the audience applauds ]
Now, there’s been a lot of articles on how “Saturday Night” fell apart. [ he holds up a TV Guide ] Now, here’s one in this week’s TV Guide. It’s a pretty good one, it’s okay. [ he opens to an inner page, headlined: “The Debacle of the Year” ] I don’t know if you can see that, but… the real story has never been told… ’til tonight. And you can believe it, because it’s coming from me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ]
You see, Lorne Michaels, the producer of “Saturday Night”, decided after last season that it was time to go on to different things. [ pull back to bring Chevy Chase into the shot ] Now, he figured the first season had been great. Then, Chevy left. And the show, of course, got even better. Then — then after the fourth year, Danny and John left. Now, them — them, we missed. [ return to close-up of Al ] So, after five golden years, Lorne decided to leave. And so did those close to him, including me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ]
So, NBC had to pick a new producer. Now, most knowledgeable people, as you might imagine, hoped it would be me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] But instead, without consulting the show’s staff or cast, NBC picked Jean Doumanian, an associate producer on the show. Now, I don’t want to be cruel to Jean — because it might make you think less of me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Anyway, it took NBC twelve shows to figure out their horrendous mistake. And a month ago, they fired Jean. Okay, now, who do they pick to rectify the original error? Someone who knows what he’s doing? Someone like me, Al Franken? [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] No, they picked Dick Ebersol. Now, I know Dick because he was a network executive in charge of late-night programming when “Saturday Night” started, and, as such, was the first person to steal credit for the success of “Saturday Night”, credit which should rightfully go to Lorne Michaels and me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ]
Now, let me give you some background on Dick “Mr. Humor” Ebersol. His credits include “The Waverly Wonders” starring Joe Namath, “Rollergirls”, and a show called “Valerie” about a kid from Brooklyn who dances every night at a disco. Now, to this day, Dick claims that he never saw “Saturday Night Fever”, and that it was all an amazing coincidence. Anyway, I know Dick, and I can tell you that he doesn’t know dick. [ laughter and applause ]
Okay. Now, the show is going to be a little better. No English-speaking person could do a worse job than Jean. But it’s clearly time to yank this tired old format off the air. So if you’re wondering what you can do for me, Al Franken… [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] please write a card or letter to:
Put SNL To Sleep 30 Rockefeller Plaza New York, New York 10020
Let’s put this show out of its misery! You’ll be doing a great favor for yourselves, and for me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Thank you!
Chevy Chase: Thank you, Al. Al, you’re actually going to be hosting the show next week, is that right?
Al Franken: Yeah. It’ll be, uh — my partner Tom Davis, and, uh, and me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] We’ll be hosting, and our special guest will be The Grateful Dead.
Chevy Chase: Well, thanks, Al.
Al Franken: Yeah. So watch next week, but not after that.
Chevy Chase: Thank you, Al.
[ they stare one another down for a moment ]
Chevy Chase: This just in. [ Chevy glances at the page, then puts it down ]
Well, how long does it take to cook a baby in a microwave oven? Exactly 55 seconds per pound, claims Mrs. Nelson Lynde of Glancing Blow, Michigan, who turned this smally fry into a small roast in just eight minutes and fifteen seconds. And to that, let me add: Well done! [ he laughs ]
Chevy Chase: And that’s the news on this, the 81st day of the freedom for the hostages from Iran. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[ the camera holds on Chevy for an extended period, as he sips from a glass of water while waiting for the scene to fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts contains over 2,000 transcripts of SNL’s most popular sketches. Updated weekly with new transcripts, from the early days of the Not Ready For Prime Time Players to its current incarnation.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Featuring 4,036 transcripts from “Saturday Night Live”
[ open on close-up of a diary, as the hands of Nancy Reagan open it ]
Nancy Reagan V/O: “Dear Diary… Everything’s going so well. I’m First-Lady, and every woman in America worships me.” Oh! [ she writes over her entry ] “Every human in America worships me. Only one thing mars my happiness: That scheming opportunist that married my Ron Jr. — Doria!” [ scribbling ferociously ] “DORIA! DORIA!! DORIA!!! If only things could be different…”
[ thunder strikes, as the image dissolves to the Lincoln Bedroom ] [ Nancy opens the creaking door while holding a candleabra ]
Nancy Reagan: I wonder what’s taking my new daughter-in-law so long? It isn’t every night a girl gets to sleep in Lincoln’s bedroom.
Doria Reagan: Ow! Ow! It’s pitch black in this hall! Ow!
Nancy Reagan: Oh, I’m sorry, Doria! Take this! [ she throws the candleabra into the hall ] [ Doria screams as she runs into the bedroom ]
Doria Reagan: Oh! I was almost burned!
Nancy Reagan: Thank God you’re all right — we could have had a nasty grease fire.
Doria Reagan: It was awfuly nice of you to invite me to spend the night, Mrs. Reagan. Especially since you referred to me in the papers as “That cheap piece of trash.”
Nancy Reagan: Ohhh, you know the press! Always “quoting” people! I mean… “misquoting” people.
Doria Reagan: Oh. [ she laughs ] But I thought you said Skip was meeting us here?
Nancy Reagan: Oh, he was just called away on an emergency pais-do-do.
Doria Reagan: Oh.
Nancy Reagan: But… he told me to take care of you, and that’s exactly what I intend to do.
[ thunder roars ]
Doria Reagan: I don’t know… it’s kind of creepy in here.
Nancy Reagan: Oh, don’t worry — I’m here. If you need me, just ring this. [ she holds up a bell ] [ Nancy exits the bedroom, as thunder continues to rumble ] [ Doria grabs the bell and attempts to ring it, but discovers there’s no tone inside ] [ ominous laughter comes from the hall, so Doria frantically opens the door… only to discover Nancy standing outside the door ]
Nancy Reagan: Oh! [ she covers her mouth ] Sweet dreams! [ she laughs ominously once again, and shuts the door ] [ Doria crosses the room and stands in front of a portrait of Abraham Lincoln, which suddenly reaches out and grabs her hair ]
Doria Reagan: Aiighhhh!!!! Somebody, help me!! Help me!!
[ Doria rushes across the room and thrusts the door open; Nancy enters ]
Nancy Reagan: What is it?
Doria Reagan: [ frantic ] Abraham Lincoln just tried to do my hair!!
Nancy Reagan: Doria, Doria… you’re imagining things. Abraham Lincoln wouldn’t TOUCH your hair!
Author…..Bill Murray Helen Stewart #1/Mrs. Lawnsdale/Maid…..Ann Risley Helen Stewart #2…..Denny Dillon Mr. Lawnsdale…..Charles Rocket Mr. Stewart…..Matthew Laurance
[ open on Author seated at typewriter on a darkened set ]
Author: [ reciting ] “Love Is Rough — Chapter One”.
[ the set lights up ]
Author: “It was a beautiful night.” No. “It was a dark and stormy night.”
[ lightning flashes outside ]
Author: “Helen Stewart strode into her library… and caught her reflection in the mirror.”
[ Helen Stewart enters to the center of the room, looks around for the mirror and runs toward it ]
Author: “Short, cute, and blonde as a button.”
[ Helen #1 throws her arms up in disgust and trades places with the more appropriate Helen #2 ]
Author: “Just then, there was a knock at the door!”
[ a knock sounds at the door — Helen #2 runs over ]
Author: “It was Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale, coming over for their weekly bridge game.”
[ Helen opens the door to Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale ]
Author: No, that’s no good. Let’s get Mrs. Lawnsdale out of there.
[ Mrs. Lawnsdale throws up her arms in disgust and exits the room ]
Author: “It was just Carl Lawnsdale.” That’s it! “– who was Helen’s secret lover.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale goes to shake Helen’s hand, but then pulls her closer to him ]
Author: “Unable to restrain themselves any longer, they fell into a passionate embrace.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale bends over to kiss Helen ]
Author: “–on the couch.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale wraps Helen in his arms and hops her over to the couch ]
Author: “Carl moaned aloud:”
Mr. Lawnsdaler: Helen!
Author: “– and Helen moaned back:”
[ they grunt in unison ]
Author: “But fate was not on their side. Because, at that moment, who should come rushing into the room, but Helen’s husband!”
[ Helen’s husband enters the room, as Helen and Mr. Lawnsdale bolt upright from the couch ]
Author: “– a tragic cripple from birth.”
[ the scene resets, as Helen’s husband hobbles comically into the room ]
Author: No, that’s no good. No, no, no, no — he was BLIND! “He was blind.”
[ Helen’s husband sits next to Helen and Mr. Lawnsdale on the couch and begins to motion his hands over their faces ]
Author: “Blinded with jealousy.”
[ Helen’s husband stands and steps back from the couple ]
Author: And, uh, “– pulled a GUN from his pocket and furiously snarled:”
Mr. Stewart: I don’t know WHICH of you to SHOOT!!
Author: “He chose his wife.”
[ the Jilted Husband shoots his wife — gun shot ]
Author: “She screamed –“
[ the Wife screams upon being shot ]
Author: “– and fell to the couch.”
[ she starts to fall away from the couch, but Mr. Lawnsdale pulls into the other direction and allows her to fall to the couch ]
Author: No, that’s no good. “Instead, he lets Old Man Lawnsdale have it.”
[ the Jilted Husband shoots Mr. Lawnsdale — gun shot ]
Author: Yeah, that’s it. “He — Lawnsdale falls to the ground.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale falls to the ground ]
Author: No, no, that’s no good. He, uh — he, uh — “He falls backwards over the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale looks toward the author like he’s insane, but complies with the storyline and sprawls across the edge of the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window — glass shatters ]
Author: No, I don’t like that, either. “Instead, he staggers around the room, wildly, blindly.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale stands up and staggers ] “Finally, smashing against the bookcase, pulling the entire works of Leo Tolstoy down on his crumpled, lifeless body.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale staggers into the bookcase, cradles the books into his arms and falls to the ground ]
Author: That’s good. Okay: “Helen is horrified, and lets out a scream.”
[ Helen screams ]
Author: “– a blood-curdling scream.”
[ Helen turns her scream up a notch ]
Author: “The most blood-curdling scream ever heard in the history of man.”
[ Helen screams with full intensity ]
Author: Okay, that’s it. “She belches and storms out of the room.”
[ Helen forces a burp and runs from the room gasping with her arms outstretched ]
Author: Uh — “Mr. Stewart laughs maniacally.”
[ he laughs maniacally ]
Author: “– and then slams himself right in the center of his foreheart with his right fist.”
[ confused, Mr. Stewart punches himself in the chest and the forehead ]
Author: Yeah! “Just then, alarmed by the noises coming from the room, the maid, Mimi van Boom rushes in.”
[ a pretty maid enters ]
Author: “She is pitifully old and ugly! no one can stand the sight of her! She smells and she stinks!”
[ Mr. Stewart cowers away, as the Maid slouches toward him ]
Author: “No one can stand her, that is, except Mr. Stewart, who is desperately in love with her.”
[ Mr. Stewart drops to one knee before the maid ]
Author: “– despite the fact that she sneezes constantly, has a tubercular cough, drools all over him, and brushes her dandruff into his face.”
[ the Maid performs all these disgusting habits over Mr. Stewart ]
Author: “But fate was NOT on their side! For at that moment, WHO should come dashing into the room… but HELEN!”
[ Helen rushes into the room ]
Author: She let out a yelp:”
[ Helen yelps ]
Author: Uh — “The discovered livers — l-l-l-livers — lovers — the LOVERS! — freeze in panic!”
[ the scene freezes, as the Author contemplates what he has written ]
Author: Let’s see… I don’t know about this. Let’s go over it.
[ Mr. Stewart drops the maid to the floor ] [ he rips the page from the typewriter, as the characters collect themselves and exit the set ]
Author: Alright. [ reading ] “It was a beautiful night.” No, no, no. “It’s a dark and stormy night.” [ lightning strikes ] Uh — “Helen comes into the room, she sees herself in the mirror –” [ the maid runs into the room and toward the mirror ] “She’s short, blonde, and cute as a button.” [ the Maid runs off as Helen takes her position ] “There’s a knock at the door.” [ a knock sounds from the door ] “It’s Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale –” No, no. “It’s just Carl Lawnsdale.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale enters the room ] “They’re secret lovers, they embrace, they fall on the couch — they moan, he moans, she moans.” [ moaning and grunting from the couch ] Uh — “Enter the husband.” [ Mr. Stewart enters ] “He’s crippled…” Uh, no, no, no, no. “He’s blind.” [ Mr. Stewart hobbles to the couch, then feels his wife’s face ] Uh — “He pulls out the gun, he shoots her, she falls on the couch.” [ Helen is shot ] No, no, no. “He shoots him!” [ Mr. Lawnsdale is shot ] “He falls on the ground…” No, no, no, no! “He falls backward over the couch and slams into the Plate-Glass window…” [ Mr. Stewart steps around the couch and smaskes the window with his fist ] No, that’s not right, either. “He staggers over the room, he falls over, goes into the bookcase, pulls down the books of Leo Tolstoy on the shelf.” [ Mr. Stewart falls from the bookcase ] “Just then, Helen belches and runs out of the room.” [ she runs ] “The man laughs, but maniacally punches himself in the head.” [ he laughs ] “The old bag maid comes into the room.” [ the Maid rushes in ] “She’s old, she’s ugly, she stinks, she smells, she drools, she dribbles, she rubs her dandruff all over his face. He loves her.” [ they embrace wildly ] Uh — “Then a woman comes into the room, she yelps!” [ Helen yelps ] [ the Author glances at this trash ]
Author: I don’t like this. It’s too artsy!
[ he crumples his page and puts a new sheet into the typewriter ]
Author: I need a whole new approach, I think. Let’s see… [ he types ] “I Gave My Heart to the Czar — Chapter One”.
[ the lights dim, as the characters exit the set ]
…..Charlene Tilton …..Gilbert Gottfried …..Todd Rundgren
(the dressing room, backstage. Tilton sits on the same bench, reviewing the script for tonight’s show. Gilbert Gottfried comes in and notices her sitting there.)
Gottfried: (shyly) Um … Charlene?
Tilton: Hi, Gilly!
Gottfried: (sits down) You know, tomorrow, we have the day off. And I was wondering if you’d like to have brunch with me. I mean, I know this place in Brooklyn, you can get unlimited Bloody Marys for five bucks.
Tilton: Aww. (puts her hand on his shoulder) Hey Gilly, uh, I’m really sorry, but I’m having brunch with Charlie at the Plaza.
Gottfried: Oh. Well, well, maybe tomorrow night we can see a movie. I mean, I wouldn’t mind seeing “Insatiable” again.
Tilton: Well – Gilly, that’s very nice of you, but uh, I promised Charlie I’d see a show with him. He’s got these great tickets for “Evita.”
Gottfried: Oh, you and Charlie … Ann must be feeling terrible.
Tilton: Ann? What are you talking about?
Gottfried: Oh, oh, you didn’t know that Ann and Charlie have been having this torrid love affair … Ann’s carrying Charlie’s baby.
Tilton: (her jaw drops. she closes the script and suddenly becomes spiteful) That two-timer! I’ll get Charlie Rocket.
(she gets up and leaves)
Gottfried: (now sullenly jealous) Charlie Rocket. How come HE gets to take out all the hosts? Sally Kellerman, Jamie Lee Curtis, Malcolm MacDowell … (stands up) How come nobody wants to go out with me?
Todd Rundgren: (passing by) Uh, uh, Gilly? I’ll go out with you. (tongue in cheek)
(Todd walks out of shot. The camera zooms in on Gottfried’s scowling face)
Gottfried: That Charlie Rocket. I’ll get him if it’s the last thing I do.
MontageNote: After going on hiatus for a few weeks, SNL returned with a late-season face lift, courtesy of its new producer, Dick Ebersol, who ordered a revamped opening montage that features the theme song from SNL’s first five seasons.
Note: Dick Ebersol wanted to hire John Candy and Catherine O’Hara away from “SCTV”, but Candy wasn’t interested and O’Hara, who had accepted at first, turned the offer down upon witnessing Michael O’Donoghue’s rant over the sixth season’s poor writing. In Candy and O’Hara’s place, “SCTV” co-stars Robin Duke and Tony Rosato crossed over to SNL instead.
Note: An actress named Emily Prager is credited as a featured player, yet she doesn’t appear in this episode and isn’t brought back for the following season. She was to have appeared in a commentary during “Weekend Update”, which was cut from the live broadcast, making her the only credited cast member to never appear on SNL.
Frank SinatraSummary: Frank Sinatra (Joe Piscopo) bashes Japan and promotes the purchase of American cars.
Jr. Walker & The All Stars perform “Road Runner” and “Shotgun”
Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Film critic Raheem Abdul Muhammed (Eddie Murphy) confuses “Altered States” with “Stir Crazy.” Laurie Metcalf asks people on the street if they would take a bullet for the president. Al Franken makes disparaging comments about SNL’s disastrous sixth season, and suggests that the show should be put to sleep.
Mr. Robinson…..Eddie Murphy Mr. Speedy…..Gilbert Gottfried
[ open on toy model of a housing project, with SUPER: “MISTER ROBINSON’S NEIGHBORHOOD”, as police sirens sound ] [ dissolve to interior, apartment, as Mr. Robinson enters ]
Mr. Robinson: [ singing ]“It’s… one… hell of a day in the neighborhood A hell of a day for a neighbor Would you be mine? Could you be mine? I’ve always wanted to live in a house like yours, my friend Maybe when there’s nobody home… I’ll break in! So… come out with some folks and a smoke You bring the stash, ’cause Robinson’s broke! Will you be mine? Won’t you be mine? Won’t you be my neighbor?”
[ he finishes changing into his sweater and shoes ]
Mr. Robinson: Hi, boys and girls! I’m all alone today. But that don’t mean you can stay too long. My wife will be home from work soon. Can you say “BITCH”? I’m sure you can. That’s our special word today, you know. Come see. [ he steps over to an easel with the word “BITCH” on it ] It’s a very special word! Do you know any? I’m sure you do! They come on all colors — Black… White… Puerto Rican. Go practice your new word to see if you’re saying it right. Walk into Mommy’s room… and say “BITCH!” I’ll wait! [ a beat ] Did Mommy slap you? Then you said it right!
[ a buzzing sound at the front door ] [ Mr. Robinson purses his lips ]
Mr. Robinson: Who can that be? I’ll go and check! [ he walks up the short flight of stairs and stands before the door ] WHO IS IT?!!
Muffled Voice: It’s me!
[ Mr. Robinson turns to the camera and purses his lips ]
Mr. Robinson: It’s Mr. Speedy! He has a package for me! [ he opens the door to let Mr. Speedy shuffle inside ] Hello, Mr. speedy! What did you bring me today?
Mr. Speedy: I brought you a chemistry kit! It cost you $125!
Mr. Robinson: Oh! A “chemistry kit”. “$125”, huh? [ he shoves Mr. Speedy into the hall and slams the door shut ] I ripped him off! You should never play with chemicals unless you know what you’re doing, boys and girls. Can you say “Richard Pryor”? We will play with this a little bit later, but right now let’s take a trip to our wonderful, magical city of fantasy. [ he steps over to a cardboard model of his building ] Oh, look — a bombed-out building! What could you do with this building? Could you live in it? Could you corner somebody in it and take his wallet? Our neighbors are having so much fun, our friends can hardly wait to go out and play! [ he reaches down for a toy cab ] Oh, look — Mr. Taxicab Driver is driving through our neighborhood! [ he pulls a string to drag the cab past the building ] Think he’ll pick up one of the people from our neighborhood? No way! [ he smashes the toy cab with a Coke bottle ] Can you say “Throw a Coke bottle”?
Well, since I have to walk to work — I can’t catch a cab — I gotta walk 63 blocks. So… I’ll see you tomorrow, because you’re special!
[ singing, as he changes his shoes ]“Tomorrow Tomorrow I’ll soak my feel tomorrow ‘Til they feel… brand new! ‘Til then, I hope you’re feeling… happy My neighborhood is very… crappy! A very happy tomorrow to you!”
Goodbye, boys and girls! See you later.
[ dissolve to the prop exterior of Mr. Robinson’s building, as one of the room ignites with a flash ] [ fade ]
Spokesman: Are you thinking about a career in television? In the exciting world of TV, it’s important to be prepared and look your sharpest whenever on camera! That’s why the FIRST step to a successful career in broadcasting is the Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading!
[ pull out to reveal the school’s sign on back wall ]
Spokesman: [ frequently glancing off-camera as he makes his pitch ] It’s a real art reading cue cards without letting the viewers at home know you’re doing it! I know it’s hard to believe… but I’m reading a cue card RIGHT NOW! That’s because I studied at the Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading! It’ll appear you’re looking STRAIGHT into the camera when you say things like “Hello!” and “Welcome to our show!” If you join now, you’ll receive a 10% discount to our affiliate: the Cable TV School of Camera Switching! Yeeeeeesss, the Cable TV SChool of Camera Switching! You’ll know what camera to look into —
[ he turns his head to glance at the camera currently on him, then the control room switches to the camera angle he was facing before ]
Spokesman: — and when!
[ he turns back to the appropriate camera, as the control room switches back to the other camera angle ]
Spokesman: Looks easy, doesn’t it? [ he keeps adjusting his head to find the correct camera ] That’s the Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading! Plus a 10% discount to the Cable TV School of Camera Switching! Join now! Here’s how!
[ cut to close-up of cue card with school address ]
Cue Card Boy: Send your name and address to:
“The Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading Post Office Box 100 New York, New York 9-double 9-99!”
[ as the camera pulls back to reveal the cue card boy, he keeps looking between the camera and his own cue card ] [ the camera pullback also reveals the Spokesman standing off to the side, and the camera angle remains static ]
Spokesman: Not affiliated with the Columbia Broadcast System!
Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail Matthius
…..Charles Rocket …..Gail Matthius David A. Stockman…..Gilbert Gottfried
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with co-anchors Charles Rocket and Gail Matthius.
Charles Rocket: Good evening, I’m Charles Rocket. Here now, the news.
Our top story: For the first time in his life, Frank Sinatra had a drink today with a man who does NOT have a nickname. Make a note of it!
Upon his arrival in Cebu City, Phillipines, The Pope said, and I’m quoting now, “The selfish pursuit of sexual pleasure and the fear of permanent committment are destructive forces and, as such, should be restricted to the state of California.
Gail Matthius: The United States postal service got approval to raise the price of a stamp to eighteen cents. The additional revenue will go toward improving their service. That means that now you’ll get the wrong mail a day earlier! [ no response ] Okay.
The drought continues in the Northeast. To make sure that all New Yorkers conserve water, Mayor Koch announced that the city is piping in all its water from Three Mile Island. In New Jersey, reservoir levels are so low that a woman in Newark turned on her sink, and out popped Jimmy Hoffa’s pinky ring. [ the audience groans ] It’s true.
Charles Rocket: Would you believe that this is a photo of a congressman’s wife? Well, it is! And this is how she’ll look in next month’s Playboy. Her name: Rita Jeanerette. Her husband: John Jeanerette, an ABSCAM victim, and, as you can see, apparently he needed the money for a breast lift. [ he stomps his feet ] Rita also revealed that she and her husband once made love on the steps of the Capitol Building. And, as many Washington insiders know, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Yes, Margaret Trudeau was frequently seen late at night in a skimpy negligee, slithering up to the Washington Monument. That’s not all! Yes, and there was Truman Capite, who once spent the night in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Oh, Truman, come on now, huh? Well, the pressure of Washington, I guess, leads to strange behavior.
In Las Vegas, fire marshalls have asked the city’s hotels to increase their fire safety standards. Well, Caesar’s Palace has come up with the quickest way to evacuate their guests. What do they do? Hey! I’ll answer that for you. They have installed smoke alarms that play a recording of Eddie Fisher singing “O, My Papa”!
Gail Matthius: The State Department announced that is is becoming more and more alarmed as Cuba continues to ship arms and weapons to the Communist guerrillas in El Salvador. The chances of american intervention are growing: Bob Hope is already practicing how to say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish! [ no response ] In Spanish.
Heavy fighting in El Salvador. Many casualties resulted when a guerrilla bugle boy panicked. Instead of sounding retreat, he played… The Best of Herb Alpert.
Charles Rocket: The latest trend in music — no, not Herb alpert! It’s coming from — of all places — Italy! Inspired by Jamaican rock, the new sound is called… Ragu music. Incidentally, it is performed by an Italian religious group called the… Pastafarians.
And now, budget director David A. Stockman with a message for the nation’s nearly needy. Mr. Stockman.
David A. Stockman: This week, a great many of you found out that you are not truly needy, but only nearly needy. In other words, you WON’T be getting food stamps any more. But I’ve come up with a new way you can earn back those food stamps and, at the same time, help fight crime. We call it the “Catch a Crook, Eat a Meal” program. How does it work? It’s simple. If you qualify as a nearly needy person, you can hunt down wanted criminals and turn them in for food stamps. Can you catch a mugger? If you can, we’ll give you enough foo stamps for a hearty breakfast of Ham and Eggs and all the coffee you can drink. Still hungry? Bring us an armed robber, and we’ll feed you for a week. And that’s not all. Gun down a suspected murderer, and we’ll give you $10,000 cash tomorrow, and you can forget about food stamps. If you only wound a suspect, and he gets away… you get nothing. For further details, this pamphlet. [ he holds up a pamphlet ] “Catch a Crook, Eat a Meal” is available at your post office, along with a list of wanted criminals and local nutjobs. Remember: We’ll double your stamps if you bring your suspect in alive.
Charles Rocket: Thank you, Mr. Stockman.
Well, this week Mr. Reagan announced other budget cuts, which included a 15% reduction in funding to the theater arts. When asked whether this would severely hamper the education of future performers, Mr. Reagan replied, and I’m quoting now: “Hey! I made it without learning how to act!”
Well, that wasn’t all. 83 big programs were whittled down to the bone, totaling over $41.4 billion in cuts. Food stamps, Medicaid, subsidized housing, child nutrition, student aid, mass transit, cuts, cuts, cuts that affect all of us! [ outraged ] Listen here, Ronnie, baby! If you want to save money, why don’t you have Nancy shop at Sears?! [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ]
Charles Rocket: Oh, and a lot of you are asking me right now, with mental telepathy: “Where’s Joe Piscopo, huh?” [ in Piscopo’s frantic style ] Okay, he’s at ringside with the super fight between Rocko Weineretto and challenger Weindulah! Which will be seen later, LIVE, on this evening’s program! For Gail Matthius and the entire “Weekend Update” team, I’m Charles Rocket. Good night, and… watch out.