SNL Transcripts: (None): 04/11/81: Frank Sinatra


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12






80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

Frank Sinatra

Frank Sinatra … Joe Piscopo
Jerry Hemphill … Tony Rosato
Melissa … Gail Matthius
Harold Duffy … Tim Kazurinsky

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Frank Sinatra!

(Frank comes down the stairs and takes center stage. An American flag backdrop unfurls behind him.)

Frank Sinatra: (sings)
It’s time for you
It’s time for you
I’m tellin’ you that dreams come true
Come on baby, it’s time, time, time
It’s time for youuuuu!

(Applause)

Frank Sinatra: Thank you very much. You’re marvelous. Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. This is Francis Albert reminding you that it is time, it’s time that — for all of us to start buying and driving American cars. Recently I visited the Motor City, and I have to be quite honest with you, that I did not like what I saw. Capisce? Thousands, thousands and thousands of beautiful guys and chicks out of work because you are not buying American cars. Now I’d like you to meet one of the guys America forgot, if you’d be so kind, please welcome, from the United Auto Workers of America, Jerry Hemphill, ladies and gentlemen!

(Jerry emerges wearing a mechanic’s uniform and carrying a tool box. He sets down the tool box.)

Frank Sinatra: It’s, it’s very nice to have you here, Jerry. Speak. (points the microphone towards Jerry)

Jerry: Thank you, tha – good to be here, Frank. Well Frank, I-I used to work for Chrysler, and uh, I was installing power seat assemblies, until I got laid off, uh … well it’s bad enough for me and my old lady, you know, but uh, it’s hard to see the kids staying at home, just uh, starving.

Frank Sinatra: (points to the camera) You hear that, America? Because you do not care enough to drive and buy American cars.

Jerry: That’s right, Frank, I’ll tell ya, these people, they just build their cars, out of cheap, thin aluminum! Now I’ve got something to show you here, Frank …

(He opens his tool box and takes out a beer can)

Frank Sinatra: We’re talkin’ foreign labor here. We’re talkin’ Japs, ladies and gentlemen.

Jerry: This is a Japanese beer can, right here, Fred. Now you see how they’re cheap, thin aluminum.

(He picks up a bowling ball, also from the tool box.)

Jerry: Now your, your American cars, your American cars are built solid, like a J.C. Higgins bowling ball! You follow me, Frank? Huh?

Frank Sinatra: I got you, Jerry.

(Jerry smashes the beer can against the bowling ball, then says to the audience)

Jerry: You just thank God your family wasn’t in HERE. (indicates the crushed beer can)

Frank Sinatra: Thank you very much. Jerry Hemphill, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much, Jerry.

(Applause)

Frank Sinatra: Thank you so much. And now I’d like uh, viewers to meet someone that wasn’t so lucky, ladies and gentlemen.

(A nurse brings out a little girl, Melissa, in a wheelchair.)

Frank Sinatra: Tell us your name, sweetheart.

Melissa: Melissa.

Frank Sinatra: Melissa, tell the people your story.

Melissa: (speaking quickly) Well, my dad got one of those cheap, Japanese cars, you know, and we were going to my grandmother’s house you know for dinner, and um, and my dad ran into this cow, and he hurt the cow real bad, and I had to go to the hospital — (sobs) — and now I can’t play with the other children.

Frank Sinatra: God bless you, sweetheart.

Melissa: (cries) … and now I can’t even do that …

Frank Sinatra: Okay America, you wanna know the reason to stop buyin’ Jap cars? Huh? I got a thousand reasons …

(SUPER: photo of a cemetery)

Frank Sinatra: … like the rows upon rows of simple white crosses that mark the graves at Arlington National Cemetery.

(SUPER: photo of Pearl Harbor being blown up)

Frank Sinatra: I take you back to December 7th, 1941. And the story of a young gunner aboard the USS Arizona.

(Back to Frank.)

Frank Sinatra: Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed my honor to introduce to you, Harold Duffy, US Navy, retired.

(Applause as Harold emerges, giving a salute with his right arm – his only arm.)

Frank Sinatra: (points to the stump) Okay chief, tell ’em how it happened.

Harold: Oh, I remember, I was playin’ the harmonica and laughin’ it up with some of my buddies ‘board the USS Arizona n’ then … from outta nowhere came them Jap planes … them machine guns spittin’ death … I lost my best buddy that day, Frank.

Frank Sinatra: I know what you mean. When we were shooting “From Here to Eternity,” I had to leave the set every day because of the tears in my eyes.

Harold: Frank … when you think of that, the next time you see a friend or neighbor drivin’ one of them Jap mobiles, you tell them that the same tuna-heads, that put together the assembly of that, that durn thing are, probably the same people who’re responsible for jammin’ bamboo chutes under these — (holds up his stump, then holds up his right hand) — THESE fingernails.

Frank Sinatra: Ouch.

Harold: Well who can understand the Oriental mind, Frank? I tell ya, the … you-you’re talkin’ about a people who build their houses out of paper. People who, who build their uh, who — they call their planes Zeroes … they call their boats JUNKS!

Frank Sinatra: Wait, wait — for the record, chief, I think the Junks are Chinese, not Japanese.

Harold: (becoming more hostile) What’s the difference?! You ‘member on Bonanza, whenever there was a range war, where the hell was Hop Sing anyway, huh? And you’re buyin’ cars from, from people that — they eat raw fish! Think of that! How would you like to open the glove compartment of, of your Honda, and find …

(He pulls a large trout out of his suit and wiggles it around.)

Harold: … one of THESE in here?!

Frank Sinatra: Thank you very much. Harold Duffy, ladies and gentlemen, US Navy, retired, from the USS Arizona.

(Applause.)

Frank Sinatra: Thank you, Harold Duffy … After, after hearing all these beautiful people speak tonight, there is only one thing I can say … (music swells up)

(sings)
Let’s strive for America
Strive for America
Each time I see those Datsun Z’s
I wanna punch out a Japanese
Go to hell, Toyota
Drop dead, Subaru
Let’s ride for America
Take pride in Americaaa …
Let’s drive for America
Old Red, I’m talkin, White,
And a-Bluuuuuuuuue!

(Applause as music continues)

(SUPER: “DRIVE FOR AMERICA”)

Submitted by: The G Man

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: (None): 04/11/81: Weekend Update with Chevy Chase


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12


















80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
Raheem Abdul Monhammed…..Eddie Murphy
…..Laurie Metcalf
…..Al Franken

Announcer: [ snooty ] This edition of “Weekend Update” is brought to you by… Smitt-Burney. Where we make money the old-fashioned way — WE STEAL IT!

[ dissolve to Chevy Chase on the phone at the news desk ]

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: No, no… I think just a firm and gentle tug on the string, and… [ he snaps his fingers, then sees the camera ] Gotta go! [ he hangs up ] Good evening. I’m Chevy Chase, and… you still aren’t.

In the top of the news tonight… [ he flips a sheet over ] The war in El Salvador ended today, apparently, when the last villager in the entire country was shot in the head.

Well, actress MacKenzie Phillips and her father John Phillips said today that they have been offered all forms of drugs for one full year, but have finally gotten their heads together. Here they are seen celebrating having just announced their wedding plans.

As you all know, there has been a controversy over the so-called missing jokes of President Reagan, told between a Hilton Hotel and George Washington University Hospital. We at “Weekend Update” have located the missing jokes. The first, told between Avenue M and 19th Street, was: “Are we in Philadelphia, or are you just glad to see me?” The second, told as the limosine passed a red light on Avenue P, was: “I feel like a hundred dollars.” Secret Servicemen next chuckled when President Reagan said: “Who’s on first?” There will be more jokes upcoming, we’re sure!

This, uh — [ Chevy attempts to say “This just in”, but trips on his tongue and playfully sputters gibberish to the audience’s delight ]

This just in from Israel, where Talmudic scholars claim to have unearthed startling evidence that God may be Black. According to the report, the original Hebrew of the Old Testement, which is mistranslated, and the passage was: “I am that I am” should read: “I is what I is.” More on this story as it develops.

Alexander Haig, on his trip to the Mideast, stopped off at the Vatican to visit Pope John Paul, where he discovered that the Pope was away. Haig immediately announced: “I’m in control here.” [ points to the Pope’s photo ] The Pope!

Chevy Chase: Well, with a look at what’s going on in cinema, here’s “Weekend Update” film critic Raheem Abdul Mohammed.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Thank you, Chevy Chase! Look here — last week I went to see “Stir Crazy” over at the Twin Theater on 42nd at Broadway. Now, I like Twin Theater — I see all my movies at Twin Theater. But I wish I hadn’t seen “Stir Crazy”, ’cause, see, I was confused. Now, I don’t know why people are saying “Stir Crazy” is so funny. First of all, they had Gene Wilder in this isolation tank for half the movie, with these wires and whatnot all over him, right? Then, later on, his arms start swelling up and he turns into a caveman! I didn’t think that part was funny. Then, when he was in the hour, Gene Wilder’s feet turned into MONKEY feet! And the most ridiculous part about it was, later on, Gene Wilder turned into Richard Pryor… and was running around the city buck-naked with some dogs chasing him. I had to feel bad for him. They must have filmed that part after he got burnt or something, I didn’t think that was him. Then he went to the zoo and threw soem rocks at a deer — I didn’t understand that, either. And then all of a sudden, Gene Wilder was laying on the rock buck-naked again. That was too deep for me. Don’t take your kids. And another thing — people you see on the commercials, they be talking about: “We bad, that’s right.” I didn’t see that in the WHOLE movie! So if somebody walk up to you and say, “Hey, man, you see ‘Stir Crazy’?” You tell them Raheem Abdul Mohammed told you it wasn’t very damn funny! Back to you, Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: Thank you, Raheem.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: You welcome!

[ Chevy holds out his hand for a shake ]

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: You want to buy some reefer?

[ Chevy glances off-camera ]

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: We talk about that later, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: At a press conference in Moscow this week, Soviet Premier Leonid Breznev proclaimed that he would give the Polish Communist Party more time to work out its problems. Putting his hands over his eyes, the president then said: [ puts his hands over his eyes ] “One-thousand one… one-thousand two…one-thousand three…” [ he lowers his hands ] Then he did this: [ he rips a sheet in paper in half ] I don’t know why!

[ image: train wreck ] Well, it was a bad day for the Little Engine That Could. It couldn’t, and it didn’t.

Chevy Chase: Actor Jimmy Stewart said last week that he’d take a bullet for the President. We sent “Weekend Update” reporter Laurie Metcalf to ask New Yorkers if they, like Jimmy Stewart, would take a bullet for the President, and if so, where?

[ cut to New York street scenes ]

Laurie Metcalf V/O: Would you take a bullet for the President?

Random New Yorker: Uh — no, ma’am. No.

Laurie Metcalf V/O: Is there someone you would take a bullet for?

Random New Yorker: Yes, I would, uh, I would take a bullet for, uh, my family or my children or my wife or my loved ones, something like that.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: I would take any particular part of my body to protect the President from any assault or any harm to himself.

[ cut to Metcalf and a New Yorker ]

Laurie Metcalf V/O: Jimmy Stewart said, when President Reagan was wounded, that he would have taken the bullet. Would you take a bullet for a president?

Random New Yorker: [ leaning into the microphone ] Why not? It’s our patriotic duty to defend our president.

[ cut to Metcalf with another New Yorker ]

Laurie Metcalf V/O: Would you take a bullet for a president?

Random New Yorker: Nope.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: No.

Laurie Metcalf V/O: Who would you take a bullet for?

Random New Yorker: I’d take it for my mother, that’s it.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: Honestly speaking? Uh — I would.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: Not on the tri-system of justice, no way! Unfortunately for us, what would be the point?

Laurie Metcalf V/O: Who would you take a bullet for?

Random New Yorker: When this country gets back to law-and-order, THAT’S when I think about taking a bullet the president!

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: I wouldn’t take it for the president, if he wouldn’t take it for me.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Laurie Metcalf V/O: Would you take a bullet for the President?

Random New Yorker: Sure.

Laurie Metcalf V/O: Uh — where would you take the bullet?

Random New Yorker: Anywhere it was coming — head, chest, stomach…

Laurie Metcalf V/O: If you could choose?

Random New Yorker: If I could choose? Yeah, I’d rather take it in the arm.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: I would take it in the brain.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: Probably, I would try to take it in my arm or my leg.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: Well, I’m not gonna take it in the head.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: I never gave it a thought.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: I’d probably jump up high — that way, if the bullet came, it would probably hit in the chest or something… or maybe in the back. It wouldn’t be enough to kill, but enough to cripple, and at the same time, my thought, being a friend of the president, would block him.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: That’s a tough question to ask, would I take it for someone else. No one could answer that. To be honest with you, I really don’t know.

[ cut to Laurie Metcalf ]

Laurie Metcalf: That’s how New Yorkers feel. This is Laurie Metcalf, “Weekend Update”.

[ dissolve to Weekend Update slide ] [ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk, trying to flick a booger off of his fingers ] [ Chevy looks up, surprised to see the camera on him ]

Chevy Chase: Thank you!

Secretary of State Alexander Haig is also visiting the Middle East and Spain. While in Spain, the Secretary got a case of the Touristas. Haig held a news conference and said, “I’m in control.”

Speaking of Spain, Generalissimo FRancisco Franco remains deceased at this time. For up-to-the-minute news concerning any change in his condition, please stay tuned to this station.

A sad piece of news came in today from the Bedford Hills Prison, where Jean Harris is serving a sentence of fifteen years. At noon yesterday, she made her second suicide attempt. Two cellmates, three wardens, and a priest were killed.

Well, Las Vegas psychic Tamara Rand announced today that she is changing her name to “Yesterday”. She gave no reason for her decision. [ glancing at news sheet ] The writer’s strike continues…

In a comprehensive report released by the White House to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee today, the administration announced that, heretofore, the nations of South Africa, Zaire, Angola, Chad, Ethiopia, and Liberia.

In an attempt to modernize its services, the Catholic Church has introduced something new into Communion. In addition to dispensing the host, priests will now, also, dispense a co-host, which symbolizes the body of Mike Douglas.

[ Chevy pushes his news sheet off the side of the desk ]

Despite the recent attack on his father, it’s business-as-usual for Ronald Reagan, Jr., shown here dancing in the ballet: “The Flaming Dip.”

In people today, Erik Estrada, the actor, severely lacerated the inside portion of his ankle recently, while merely attempting to start his motorycle during the filming of a “CHiPs” episode. The 1000 CC bike then fell on his hair and hand, causing inexplicable publicity. Sources close to Estrada said they laughed and laughed.

Chevy Chase: [ holding up news sheet ] Hey, look at this!

[ image: two Sammy Davis, Jrs. on a stamp ] This just in, again: Here’s a mint issue of Zimbabwe’s first Air Mail stamp. [ Chevy appears confused ]

More really bad news for the Columbia space shuttle. Not only has a take-off been delayed for over two years, but at two o’clock today, Lt. Strickland of the Canaveral Police issued the shuttle a parking ticket, with fines exceeding $3 million. [ he chuckles ] “We tried to be lenient,” the lieutenant said, “but they’ve been here two years, and it is a six-hour zone.”

Chevy Chase: And now, to talk about the new “Saturday Night Live” staf and, of course, himself, is former “Weekend Update” correspondent, Mr. Al Franken. Al?

Al Franken: Thanks, Chevy. It’s nice to see someone else from the old show. [ he smiles impishly ] You know, most of you probably know me, Al Franken… [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] from the Al Franken Decade reports I did last year. Or from the Franken & Davis shows that my partner, Tom Davis, and I did over the five years of the original “Saturday Night Live”. Now, during the past six months, I have suffered countless instances of personal embarrassment, from people coming up to me, Al Franken… [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] and saying, “Hey, Al! Al Franken! Are you still writing for the show?” Or, “Al! Al Franken! How’s the show going?” Well, I’m here tonight to set the record straight. I am not involved, in any way, with the new “Saturday Night Live”.

[ the audience applauds ]

Now, there’s been a lot of articles on how “Saturday Night” fell apart. [ he holds up a TV Guide ] Now, here’s one in this week’s TV Guide. It’s a pretty good one, it’s okay. [ he opens to an inner page, headlined: “The Debacle of the Year” ] I don’t know if you can see that, but… the real story has never been told… ’til tonight. And you can believe it, because it’s coming from me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ]

You see, Lorne Michaels, the producer of “Saturday Night”, decided after last season that it was time to go on to different things. [ pull back to bring Chevy Chase into the shot ] Now, he figured the first season had been great. Then, Chevy left. And the show, of course, got even better. Then — then after the fourth year, Danny and John left. Now, them — them, we missed. [ return to close-up of Al ] So, after five golden years, Lorne decided to leave. And so did those close to him, including me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ]

So, NBC had to pick a new producer. Now, most knowledgeable people, as you might imagine, hoped it would be me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] But instead, without consulting the show’s staff or cast, NBC picked Jean Doumanian, an associate producer on the show. Now, I don’t want to be cruel to Jean — because it might make you think less of me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Anyway, it took NBC twelve shows to figure out their horrendous mistake. And a month ago, they fired Jean. Okay, now, who do they pick to rectify the original error? Someone who knows what he’s doing? Someone like me, Al Franken? [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] No, they picked Dick Ebersol. Now, I know Dick because he was a network executive in charge of late-night programming when “Saturday Night” started, and, as such, was the first person to steal credit for the success of “Saturday Night”, credit which should rightfully go to Lorne Michaels and me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ]

Now, let me give you some background on Dick “Mr. Humor” Ebersol. His credits include “The Waverly Wonders” starring Joe Namath, “Rollergirls”, and a show called “Valerie” about a kid from Brooklyn who dances every night at a disco. Now, to this day, Dick claims that he never saw “Saturday Night Fever”, and that it was all an amazing coincidence. Anyway, I know Dick, and I can tell you that he doesn’t know dick. [ laughter and applause ]

Okay. Now, the show is going to be a little better. No English-speaking person could do a worse job than Jean. But it’s clearly time to yank this tired old format off the air. So if you’re wondering what you can do for me, Al Franken… [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] please write a card or letter to:

Put SNL To Sleep
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, New York 10020

Let’s put this show out of its misery! You’ll be doing a great favor for yourselves, and for me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Thank you!

Chevy Chase: Thank you, Al. Al, you’re actually going to be hosting the show next week, is that right?

Al Franken: Yeah. It’ll be, uh — my partner Tom Davis, and, uh, and me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] We’ll be hosting, and our special guest will be The Grateful Dead.

Chevy Chase: Well, thanks, Al.

Al Franken: Yeah. So watch next week, but not after that.

Chevy Chase: Thank you, Al.

[ they stare one another down for a moment ]

Chevy Chase: This just in. [ Chevy glances at the page, then puts it down ]

Well, how long does it take to cook a baby in a microwave oven? Exactly 55 seconds per pound, claims Mrs. Nelson Lynde of Glancing Blow, Michigan, who turned this smally fry into a small roast in just eight minutes and fifteen seconds. And to that, let me add: Well done! [ he laughs ]

Chevy Chase: And that’s the news on this, the 81st day of the freedom for the hostages from Iran. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ the camera holds on Chevy for an extended period, as he sips from a glass of water while waiting for the scene to fade ]

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    SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Goodnights


     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 6: Episode 12



    80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

    Goodnights

    …..Bill Murray

    Bill Murray: Next week, the host will be RobertGuillaume and he will have Ian Drury and theBlockheads with him.

    Off screen voice: All right!

    Bill Murray: That’s right. [self-consciously,into the camera] Uh, Danny, John, Gilda, Laraine,Garrett, Jane, [rolls his eyes trying to remember ifhe’s forgotten anyone] Gilda, Laraine — [seriously]I’m sorry for what I’ve done.

    [The others laugh at this. Cheers and applause as Billsmiles wryly and waves. As the closing theme kicks inand the cast waves, Charles Rocket leans in and givesBill a big hug. Eventually, the cast crowds aroundBill who shakes Eddie Murphy’s hand warmly. The castgives Bill noogies. After a while, we pull back andpan over the applauding audience in Studio8H.]

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts

    ]]>

    SNL Transcripts: (None): 04/11/81: The Self-Righteous


     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 6: Episode 12






    80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

    The Self-Righteous

    Announcer…..Michael O’Donoghue
    Nurse…..Robin Duke
    Police Officer…..Tony Rosato
    Reporter…..Joe Piscopo
    Doctor…..Tim Kazurinsky
    Gunshot Victim…..Eddie Murphy

    (Open on a still of a hospital where we see the superimposed text “Coming This Fall on NBC” in its coporate font with the NBC peacock logo on the bottom left corner of the screen. Jazzy, commanding music plays in the background)

    Announcer V/O: They’re tough. They’re dedicated. They’re professionals who take their jobs seriously. They’re the self-righteous.

    (Fade in on the hospital’s interior where we see the title card superimposed on the screen. The nurse at the front desk is seen talking on the phone. The title fades out as she hangs it up and a policeman walks in.)

    Police Officer: Okay, look. I got to talk to that gunshot victim in there just for a few seconds, okay? I mean, it could help us get that killer off the streets.

    Nurse: Well, forget it. That man in there is seriously injured. I’m a nurse and a damn good one and it’s my job to save lives, not play Cops and Robbers.

    Police Officer: Oh, yeah? Well, maybe if you cooperated, there’d be some more people out there that you wouldn’t have to patch up later. I’m a cop, damn it! It’s my job to protect them! (A reporter walks in holding a pencil and a note pad )

    Reporter: Yeah, Daily Press. Iwas wondering if–

    Police Officer: No comments on this case.

    Reporter: Hey, I don’t know what you’re covering up in there, but those people out there have a right to know! I’m a reporter! It’s my duty to tell them! A doctor runs in)

    Doctor: Hey, hey. This is a hospital. There are people dying in there. Now, I don’t know what’s going on out here, but I’m reponsible for their lives. So, shut up! (Takes off his surgical mask)

    Nurse: [sarcastically] Oh-ho. Oh-ho! Well, maybe if you spent a little less time dealing with microbes and dealt with people like me, then maybe you’d understand them.

    Doctor: Understanding people doesn’t save their lives.

    Reporter: Hey, while you two are standing there talking, there are people in there dying and people out there waiting for the truth.

    Police Officer: Oh, yeah? Why don’t you try walking a beat, huh? (The reporter scoffs as the gunshot victim walks in)

    Gunshot Victim: Hey, wait a minute! Don’t I have a say here? After all, it’s my body! I’m a patient here. I’m a human being with human rights (turns to the doctor) and for one, I demand the right to die with dignity.

    Doctor: You only have a flesh wound.

    Gunshot Victim: And two, I have the right–

    Doctor: Don’t bore us with that stuff. Listen–

    Gunshot Victim: Hey, don’t point at me. My mother’s dead.

    (Everyone starts arguing as the music starts playing again)

    Announcer V/O: Five tediously self-absorbed people. The Self-Righteous. Coming this fall on NBC, proud as a peacock.

    (Fade to a black background with the NBC peacock with the text NBC PROUD AS A PEACOCK below)

    Submitted by: Kyleman88

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: No Sex With Mary



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 6: Episode 12












    80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

    No Sex With Mary

    Mary Cunningham…..Gail Matthius
    Phil Beekman…..Charles Rocket
    Chairman of the Board…..Joe Piscopo
    Manuel…..Gilbert Gottfried

    [ open on Mary Cunningham standing at podium ]

    Mary Cunningham: Hello, I’m Mary Cunningham. Last October, I quit my job at Bendix because my boss held a press conference to announce that we were NOT sleeping together. Well, it was really awful. Now, this week, I finally got a new job, and my new corporation assures me that they will be a LOT more sensitive.

    [ Seagram’s President Phil Beekman steps forward ]

    Phil Beekman: That’s right. I’m the President of Seagram’s — Mary’s new company — and I sympathize with what Mary went through. So I just want to announce right here and now that I’m NOT sleeping with Ms. Cunningham. She is absolutely NOT my mistress, and I want to make it PERFECTLY Clear she’s absolutely not my sultry slave of love.

    Mary Cunningham: But I’m NOT!!

    Phil Beekman: That’s what I’m telling the people, Mary… [ to the audience ] Now, DON’T think that Mary and I have wild sex in the executive suite, in the boardroom, or on those so-called business trips, because, no kidding, we don’t! I’m not lying. And here’s someone else who Mary doesn’t service twenty-four hours a day, on call — our Chairman of the Board.

    [ Chairman of the Board enters ]

    Chairman of the Board: That’s right! Don’t ask me what Mary looks like under those, uh, conservative suits — I have no idea! Because I have NOT had my way with her. That’s why I wrote this article for the Wall Street Journal — [ he holds up the newspaper ] “I Don’t Have Sex With Mary Cunningham!”

    Phil Beekman: See, Mary? Your nightmare of tawdry publicity is over. Hey, Jim! Come on out here. [ Executive enters ] This is Jim Deekman, our VP of Sales. Jim, do you sleep with Cunningham?

    Jim: No.

    Phil Beekman: Attaboy! Well, Mary, I think this will seal your reputation!

    Mary Cunningham: Yeah, I’m sure it will…

    Phil Beekman: Manuel! Our favorite janitor here at Seagram’s! [ Manuel enters ] Tell us, honestly, have you gotten anything off of Mary?

    Manuel: No! I have NEVER had Mary Cunningham as my passionate child-woman! The flower of my burning lust taken in rapture! No! No joke! Never! I think of her as another executive.

    Phil Beekman: Thanks, Manuel! I’m sure we all do.

    Manuel: I think she’s frigid…

    Phil Beekman: Now, now, Manuel! Well, Mary, your professional reputation is restored. Who says we’re not sensitive? I mean, there’s enough male sensitivity right here to fill a whole week of “Donahue” shows, am I right? [ the men agree ] Alright! Now, if there’s anyone else out there who doesn’t sleep with Mary and wants to make a big announcement about it, send us a postcard! We’ll read it on the air. That address is:

    [ SUPER ]

    “No Sex With Mary
    30 Rockefeller Plaza
    New York, N.Y.”

    Okay? Alright, Mary? [ he grabs her shoulder, but she rebuffs him ] Uh-oh, I’m sorry! Okay, no touching! Alright.

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: It Just Doesn’t Matter



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 6: Episode 12






    80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

    It Just Doesn’t Matter

    … Bill Murray
    … cast of “Saturday Night Live”

    [Host Bill Murray, wearing jeans and a “Black ForestLanes” bowling shirt, sits quietly in his dressingroom, picking his nose. There’s a knock at thedoor.]

    Bill Murray: Come in.

    Gilbert Gottfried: [opens door] Uh, Bill, areyou busy?

    Bill Murray: No.

    Gilbert Gottfried: Oh.

    [Gilbert enters and all the other cast members file inbehind him and take seats in the room. Bill rises togreet them.]

    Denny Dillon: Hi, Bill.

    Bill Murray: Come on in. Sit down, youknow.

    [Bill sits on the dressing room sofa, surrounded bythe cast who sit all around him, glum and depressed.Long pause as Bill looks them over.]

    Bill Murray: So, how’s it been goin’?

    Eddie Murphy: Well, it ain’t exactly so easy,Bill. Everybody keeps comparing us to the oldcast.

    Ann Risley: And the press hasn’t been overlykind.

    Bill Murray: Yeah, I read that stuff: “SaturdayNight Live is Saturday Night Dead.”

    Cast: [groans, winces, looks uncomfortable] Oh,come on.

    Bill Murray: “From Yuks to Yecch.” [cast groansand wretches as if in pain] My favorite, though, is”Vile from New York.”

    Cast: [groans] Please, Bill.

    Bill Murray: [genuinely amused] It’s funny.It’s funny. [more sympathetic] But, uh, don’t letthat, uh, bother you, you know. It takes a long timeto get started. I mean, a whole new cast, all newwriters.

    Cast: Yeah. Right.

    Bill Murray: What do you expect, you know? Theratings are still fine, you know. Even if your ratingswent up higher than the old show, you know…

    Cast: Yeah?

    Bill Murray: … people would still say the oldshow was better, you know?

    Cast: [nodding] Uh huh. That’s true, that’strue.

    Bill Murray: Maybe it was. … But,uh…

    Charles Rocket: [as the cast protests mildly]Come on, Bill.

    Bill Murray: It doesn’t matter! I’m justsaying, you know– So what? What if the show getscanceled and you guys never get to do movies oranything like that?

    Cast: Come on! Geez!

    Denny Dillon: Don’t say that!

    Bill Murray: You guys are good. I mean, youknow, Charlie, you’re very funny. I love those RocketReports.

    Charles Rocket: You really mean that,Bill?

    Bill Murray: [more in sorrow than in anger]People are tellin’ me you’re imitatin’ me, Charlie,though. I don’t like to hear that. … And, uh, watchyour mouth. Clean it up. … Okay? [Charles nods, Billturns to Gilbert] Who are you? What’s yourname?

    Gilbert Gottfried: Uh, I – I’m Gilbert.

    Bill Murray: Gilbert. Gilbert, cheer up for me,will ya, pal? [pats Gilbert’s shoulder and headsupportively] Huh? Come on. You’re a very lucky humanbeing. You’re very lucky, you know? Nobody walks up toyou on the street and says, “I hated 1941!” –do they? Well, all right. [to Denny] And, you — youlook very good when you comb your hair. It’s nice.Well, you do.

    Denny Dillon: Bill, it’s supposed to be likethis!

    Bill Murray: [nods, turns to Ann and Gail] Youknow, and, uh, you girls are terrific looking, you’regreat. You know, I still mix you up, I – I can’t tellyou apart, but it’s great, you know. It’s like, “Oh,it’s that other girl who’s very attractive” and soforth.

    Ann Risley: [nods] Oh, yeah.

    Bill Murray: And, uh, you know, Joe Piscopo,you’re great. [someone in the crowd agrees] You know,the whole sports thing. The monosyllabic hollering andstuff.

    Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Bill.

    Bill Murray: It’s inspired, you know, but, uh,are you – are you gonna definitely stick with “JoePiscopo” as your name?

    Joe Piscopo: Uh … Well, I was born with it,Bill. You know, it’s my name.

    Bill Murray: Wow. [beat] Well, whatever. …And, uh, you, Eddie. You’re black. … [Eddie juststares at him] And, uh, that’s beautiful, man. That’sbeautiful. You can do whatever you want. Matt and Pat,Yvonne, those guys are great. Look. Look. You guysneed help.

    Charles Rocket: Yeah.

    Bill Murray: You need a lot of help, really.But, hey — I saved the old cast, I can do it foryou. You know. … What do you think they werelike before I got here, man? Aykroyd — Dan Aykroydwas weak. I taught him a lot, man.

    Cast: Really? Oh, really?

    Bill Murray: Belushi was a shadow. Jane Curtinhad a serious drinking problem before I–

    Charles Rocket: Not Jane!

    Denny Dillon: That’s amazing. That’s reallyamazing.

    Bill Murray: The important thing now is to be”up.” You know, you gotta be “up.” ‘Cuz if you’re not”up,” I don’t look good tonight. You know? You know,the press, they can be terrible to you. [rises] But itdoesn’t matter, you know?

    Cast: Yeah.

    Bill Murray: The ratings deal? It just doesn’tmatter.

    Cast: Yeah. Right.

    All: It just doesn’t matter.

    Bill Murray: Right!

    All: It just doesn’t matter!

    Bill Murray: That’s right! Confidence! Sure, Ihaven’t done this show in a year. Sure, I could go outthere and make a fool of myself. [cast protests, says,”No, no, no.”] Sure, I could completely bloweverything. I could completely blow everything…

    Charles Rocket: I suppose.

    Bill Murray: … and humiliate myself in frontof millions of people on TV.

    Cast: Probably, yeah.

    Bill Murray: [beat, swallows nervously] It’s avery real possibility. … [pause] I think I’m gonnabe sick. [staggers over to make-up table]

    Cast: [rising, in concern] Oh, Bill.

    Denny Dillon: Bill, are you okay? Bill, are youokay?

    Bill Murray: No, I think I’m gonna be sick.Maybe a drink’ll help– [grabs a bottle of liquor offthe table, the cast gathers around him]

    Gilbert Gottfried: Bill, take it easy. You’llbe okay.

    Denny Dillon: This guy’s a basket case.

    Joe Piscopo: Hey, look, look, we carried ElliotGould, we could carry Bill Murray. Noproblem-o.

    [Bill takes a swig of liquor straight from the bottle.The cast pleads and protests.]

    Joe Piscopo: It’s like he said, “It justdoesn’t matter!”

    Gail Matthius: Hey, hey, Bill. It reallydoesn’t matter. Here, we’re gonna take care of ya,huh? It doesn’t matter!

    [Quickly, the other cast members start repeating, “Itjust doesn’t matter!” with increasing energy andintensity until Bill joins in and they are allchanting loudly and hopping up and down in a hugegroup hug, like some kind of insane pep rallycheer.]

    All:
    It just doesn’t matter!
    It just doesn’t matter!
    It just doesn’t matter!
    It just doesn’t matter!
    It just doesn’t matter!
    It just doesn’t matter!
    It just doesn’t matter!

    Bill Murray: Let’s go get ’em!

    [They all turn, waving clenched fists and pointingfingers, and yell enthusiastically into thecamera:]

    All: Live, from New York, it’s SaturdayNight!

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Bill Murray’s Monologue



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 6: Episode 12








    80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

    Bill Murray’s Monologue

    …Bill Murray
    …Eddie Murphy

    Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and Gentlemen — Bill Murray!

    [Huge cheers and applause as Bill appears at home base via the elevator. He exits out of it and struts to the edge of the stage and does a kick jump and a dance to finish it off as the music ends.]

    Bill Murray: [pointing to the band] How about that band?! Come on! Come on! More!

    [After Bill gestures them, the band starts to play the theme music again as Bill jumps up and down while walking to the other side of the stage and hugs a support pole and jumps down below to the audience. He picks up a female audience member, drapes her over his head, and sets her back down on her chair. He jumps back onto the stage and continues dancing when Eddie Murphy shows up and cues the band to stop playing.]

    Eddie Murphy: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What the hell is…

    Bill Murray: Eddie Murphy! Let’s here it for him! [stamps his feet on the stage as Eddie briefly smiles to the audience]

    Eddie Murphy: What the hell are you doing? You’re supposed to be doing your monologue out here. You almost dropped this woman on her head, Bill!

    Bill Murray: Well, I guess I got a little excited, huh? Well, what are you doing out here? Asking me what I’m doing, anyway?

    Eddie Murphy: Well, you’re suppposed to be doing your monologue. This ain’t a band number. Do your thing!

    Bill Murray: Oh, come on, Eddie. You know what we talked about. It’s just doesn’t matter, you know. I could go out here and say “Gee, these kids are great, golly! They got so much energy, and I don’t even know what’s gonna happen next!” Eddie, it just doesn’t matter. The important thing is that we’re working together.

    Eddie Murphy: Yeah.

    Bill Murray: Yeah, and that we’re BAD!

    Eddie Murphy: Yeah.

    Bill Murray: You’re bad!

    Eddie Murphy: I’m bad.

    Bill Murray: I’M bad!

    Eddie Murphy: We’re both bad.

    Bill Murray: I mean, that previous Black-White act, you know — or, should I say, that Pryor act — you know, they thought they were bad, or Wild or Wilder, if you will. They’re not as widl or bad as the Murray-Murphy combo! ‘Cause we’re BAD!

    Eddie Murphy: Right, we bad!

    Bill Murray: That’s right! In fact, we’re BADDER!

    Eddie Murphy: Right! You mean we MORE bad!

    Bill Murray: We’re MORE bad! We are the WORST, my man! Give me five, come on!

    [ Eddie low-fives Bill ]

    Eddie Murphy: We’re TERRIBLE! Give me fifteen!

    [ Eddie low-fives both hands and raises one foot ]

    Bill Murray: We are NAUSEATING! Now, give me some of that long sole, my man!

    [ Bill turns around, raises one foot and holds out his hand, which Eddie high-fives downward to Bill’s foot ]

    Bill Murray: Come on! Gvie me the PINK side now! [ Bill holds out his hand ]

    Eddie Murphy: We gonna have to work on that one!

    Bill Murray: And we’re both Irish, too! That’s so great!

    Eddie Murphy: Yeah.

    Bill Murray: Yeah, Murray and Murphy, the Irish duo. An Irish Jig, let’s do it man. [Bill does a dance move]

    Eddie Murphy: [rather offended and pointing at Bill] Now, that’s bad AND dangerous, so watch yourself.

    Bill Murray: Come on, man, I’m only kidding. We’re a team. We’re just like salt and pepper. [slaps hands with Eddie]

    Eddie Murphy: Pepper and salt!

    Bill Murray: Come on! Paprika and cinnamon!

    Eddie Murphy: Hartman, Oprah!

    Bill Murray: Yeah, Belushi and Aykroyd. [slaps hands again]

    Eddie Murphy: That’s bad!

    Bill Murray: That’s bad! We’ll be right back, man!

    Eddie Murphy: Yeah!

    [Cheers and applause as Bill and Eddie continue to give each other high fives including a jumping one as the screen fades.]

    Submitted by Kyleman88

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Saturday Night Newsline




     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 6: Episode 12












    80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

    Saturday Night Newsline

    Dr. Jonathan Lear…..Mark King

    [ open on Dr. Jonathan Lear seated at news desk ]

    Dr. Jonathan Lear: I’m Dr. Jonathan Lear. This is “Saturday Night Live: Newsline”, Science Break. Tonight: DNA.

    As most of us know, DNA is the basic building block of life. Also, DNA is the master molecule of life. It’s really great! We have been able to obtain actual photographs of DNA molecules, so let’s take a look at some of them.

    [ he holds up a drawing of DNA ]

    In its simplest form, DNA looks like a double helix.

    [ he swaps out DNA cards ]

    Here’s a photo of DNA molecules sitting up straight.

    [ he swaps out DNA cards ]

    Here’s some FAT DNA!

    [ he swaps out DNA cards ]

    Here’s some DNA hiding in spaghetti.

    [ he swaps out DNA cards ]

    Here’s DNA sitting on a picket fence.

    [ he swaps out DNA cards ]

    DNA following a fish.

    [ he swaps out DNA cards ]

    Have a nice day, DNA!

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Saturday Night Newsline II




     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 6: Episode 12








    80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

    Saturday Night Newsline II

    …..Bill Murray

    [ open on Bill Murray seated at news desk ]

    Bill Murray: Hello. I’m Bill Murray for “Newsline”, Arts & Leisure. It’s that time of year again, time for everyone’s annual Oscar predictions.

    [ the audience applauds wildly, as Bill Murray holds up his Oscar board list ]

    I think you heard it here first… that in the categories of Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress, nobody gives a DAMN! [ he pulls the nominees of these actors from the board ] Let’s get these people off of here as quickly as possible, and get them out of here!

    In the Best Actress category, there can only be ONE winner — and that is Mary Tyler Moore. [ he wipes the other nominees from the board ] And for one reason: Because Carol Burnett isn’t nominated.

    In the Best Actor category, there can only be one winner — and that is Jack Lemmon, because Jack Lemmon is still alive.

    And in the Best Picture category, there can ONLY be one winner, and that is “Tess”, because Hollywood hasn’t had a good party since Roman Polanski left.

    [ he removes the winners from the board ]

    But these awards are meaningless to you and me because, well… we’re not judging them, people. I think it’s time for some new awards, and I’m about to give them.

    In the category of Best Supporting Actress: For her work in “Wholly Moses”, the winner is… Laraine Newman.

    [ the audience applauds ]

    In the category of Best Supporting Actor: For his fantastic work with Benji in “Oh! Heavenly Dog”… Mr. Chevy Chase.

    [ the audience applauds ]

    A first for this award — a tie in the Best Actress category: For her work in “How to Beat the High Cost of Living”… Ms. Jane Curtin; and for a DOUBLE nomination for “Gilda Live” and “The First Family”… Ms. Gilda Radner.

    [ the audience applauds ]

    And what’s gota be a second in the history of this category — uh, uh, a second tie in the Best Actor category: For their work as Jake and Elwood Blues… Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi.

    [ the audience applauds ]

    For the Best Picture, there, of course, is only one winner. And that is… “Caddyshack”. Because it was written by my brother, Brian Doyle-Murray, and Doug and Harold.

    [ the audience applauds ]

    Uh — finally, most important award of all: The Irving Thalberg Memorial Award for humanitarian, decency, and just all around good guyness… given to Garrett Morris, for his work with the Guardian Angels here in New York City.

    [ the audience applauds ]

    Those are my awards. Let’s see what happens!

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts