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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

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    SNL Transcripts: (None): 04/11/81: Frank Sinatra

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 6: Episode 12

    80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

    Frank Sinatra

    Frank Sinatra … Joe Piscopo
    Jerry Hemphill … Tony Rosato
    Melissa … Gail Matthius
    Harold Duffy … Tim Kazurinsky

    Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Frank Sinatra!

    (Frank comes down the stairs and takes center stage. An American flag backdrop unfurls behind him.)

    Frank Sinatra: (sings)
    It’s time for you
    It’s time for you
    I’m tellin’ you that dreams come true
    Come on baby, it’s time, time, time
    It’s time for youuuuu!


    Frank Sinatra: Thank you very much. You’re marvelous. Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. This is Francis Albert reminding you that it is time, it’s time that — for all of us to start buying and driving American cars. Recently I visited the Motor City, and I have to be quite honest with you, that I did not like what I saw. Capisce? Thousands, thousands and thousands of beautiful guys and chicks out of work because you are not buying American cars. Now I’d like you to meet one of the guys America forgot, if you’d be so kind, please welcome, from the United Auto Workers of America, Jerry Hemphill, ladies and gentlemen!

    (Jerry emerges wearing a mechanic’s uniform and carrying a tool box. He sets down the tool box.)

    Frank Sinatra: It’s, it’s very nice to have you here, Jerry. Speak. (points the microphone towards Jerry)

    Jerry: Thank you, tha – good to be here, Frank. Well Frank, I-I used to work for Chrysler, and uh, I was installing power seat assemblies, until I got laid off, uh … well it’s bad enough for me and my old lady, you know, but uh, it’s hard to see the kids staying at home, just uh, starving.

    Frank Sinatra: (points to the camera) You hear that, America? Because you do not care enough to drive and buy American cars.

    Jerry: That’s right, Frank, I’ll tell ya, these people, they just build their cars, out of cheap, thin aluminum! Now I’ve got something to show you here, Frank …

    (He opens his tool box and takes out a beer can)

    Frank Sinatra: We’re talkin’ foreign labor here. We’re talkin’ Japs, ladies and gentlemen.

    Jerry: This is a Japanese beer can, right here, Fred. Now you see how they’re cheap, thin aluminum.

    (He picks up a bowling ball, also from the tool box.)

    Jerry: Now your, your American cars, your American cars are built solid, like a J.C. Higgins bowling ball! You follow me, Frank? Huh?

    Frank Sinatra: I got you, Jerry.

    (Jerry smashes the beer can against the bowling ball, then says to the audience)

    Jerry: You just thank God your family wasn’t in HERE. (indicates the crushed beer can)

    Frank Sinatra: Thank you very much. Jerry Hemphill, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much, Jerry.


    Frank Sinatra: Thank you so much. And now I’d like uh, viewers to meet someone that wasn’t so lucky, ladies and gentlemen.

    (A nurse brings out a little girl, Melissa, in a wheelchair.)

    Frank Sinatra: Tell us your name, sweetheart.

    Melissa: Melissa.

    Frank Sinatra: Melissa, tell the people your story.

    Melissa: (speaking quickly) Well, my dad got one of those cheap, Japanese cars, you know, and we were going to my grandmother’s house you know for dinner, and um, and my dad ran into this cow, and he hurt the cow real bad, and I had to go to the hospital — (sobs) — and now I can’t play with the other children.

    Frank Sinatra: God bless you, sweetheart.

    Melissa: (cries) … and now I can’t even do that …

    Frank Sinatra: Okay America, you wanna know the reason to stop buyin’ Jap cars? Huh? I got a thousand reasons …

    (SUPER: photo of a cemetery)

    Frank Sinatra: … like the rows upon rows of simple white crosses that mark the graves at Arlington National Cemetery.

    (SUPER: photo of Pearl Harbor being blown up)

    Frank Sinatra: I take you back to December 7th, 1941. And the story of a young gunner aboard the USS Arizona.

    (Back to Frank.)

    Frank Sinatra: Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed my honor to introduce to you, Harold Duffy, US Navy, retired.

    (Applause as Harold emerges, giving a salute with his right arm – his only arm.)

    Frank Sinatra: (points to the stump) Okay chief, tell ’em how it happened.

    Harold: Oh, I remember, I was playin’ the harmonica and laughin’ it up with some of my buddies ‘board the USS Arizona n’ then … from outta nowhere came them Jap planes … them machine guns spittin’ death … I lost my best buddy that day, Frank.

    Frank Sinatra: I know what you mean. When we were shooting “From Here to Eternity,” I had to leave the set every day because of the tears in my eyes.

    Harold: Frank … when you think of that, the next time you see a friend or neighbor drivin’ one of them Jap mobiles, you tell them that the same tuna-heads, that put together the assembly of that, that durn thing are, probably the same people who’re responsible for jammin’ bamboo chutes under these — (holds up his stump, then holds up his right hand) — THESE fingernails.

    Frank Sinatra: Ouch.

    Harold: Well who can understand the Oriental mind, Frank? I tell ya, the … you-you’re talkin’ about a people who build their houses out of paper. People who, who build their uh, who — they call their planes Zeroes … they call their boats JUNKS!

    Frank Sinatra: Wait, wait — for the record, chief, I think the Junks are Chinese, not Japanese.

    Harold: (becoming more hostile) What’s the difference?! You ‘member on Bonanza, whenever there was a range war, where the hell was Hop Sing anyway, huh? And you’re buyin’ cars from, from people that — they eat raw fish! Think of that! How would you like to open the glove compartment of, of your Honda, and find …

    (He pulls a large trout out of his suit and wiggles it around.)

    Harold: … one of THESE in here?!

    Frank Sinatra: Thank you very much. Harold Duffy, ladies and gentlemen, US Navy, retired, from the USS Arizona.


    Frank Sinatra: Thank you, Harold Duffy … After, after hearing all these beautiful people speak tonight, there is only one thing I can say … (music swells up)

    Let’s strive for America
    Strive for America
    Each time I see those Datsun Z’s
    I wanna punch out a Japanese
    Go to hell, Toyota
    Drop dead, Subaru
    Let’s ride for America
    Take pride in Americaaa …
    Let’s drive for America
    Old Red, I’m talkin, White,
    And a-Bluuuuuuuuue!

    (Applause as music continues)


    Submitted by: The G Man

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: (None): 04/11/81: Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 6: Episode 12

    80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

    Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

    …..Chevy Chase
    Raheem Abdul Monhammed…..Eddie Murphy
    …..Laurie Metcalf
    …..Al Franken

    Announcer: [ snooty ] This edition of “Weekend Update” is brought to you by… Smitt-Burney. Where we make money the old-fashioned way — WE STEAL IT!

    [ dissolve to Chevy Chase on the phone at the news desk ]

    Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with Chevy Chase.

    Chevy Chase: No, no… I think just a firm and gentle tug on the string, and… [ he snaps his fingers, then sees the camera ] Gotta go! [ he hangs up ] Good evening. I’m Chevy Chase, and… you still aren’t.

    In the top of the news tonight… [ he flips a sheet over ] The war in El Salvador ended today, apparently, when the last villager in the entire country was shot in the head.

    Well, actress MacKenzie Phillips and her father John Phillips said today that they have been offered all forms of drugs for one full year, but have finally gotten their heads together. Here they are seen celebrating having just announced their wedding plans.

    As you all know, there has been a controversy over the so-called missing jokes of President Reagan, told between a Hilton Hotel and George Washington University Hospital. We at “Weekend Update” have located the missing jokes. The first, told between Avenue M and 19th Street, was: “Are we in Philadelphia, or are you just glad to see me?” The second, told as the limosine passed a red light on Avenue P, was: “I feel like a hundred dollars.” Secret Servicemen next chuckled when President Reagan said: “Who’s on first?” There will be more jokes upcoming, we’re sure!

    This, uh — [ Chevy attempts to say “This just in”, but trips on his tongue and playfully sputters gibberish to the audience’s delight ]

    This just in from Israel, where Talmudic scholars claim to have unearthed startling evidence that God may be Black. According to the report, the original Hebrew of the Old Testement, which is mistranslated, and the passage was: “I am that I am” should read: “I is what I is.” More on this story as it develops.

    Alexander Haig, on his trip to the Mideast, stopped off at the Vatican to visit Pope John Paul, where he discovered that the Pope was away. Haig immediately announced: “I’m in control here.” [ points to the Pope’s photo ] The Pope!

    Chevy Chase: Well, with a look at what’s going on in cinema, here’s “Weekend Update” film critic Raheem Abdul Mohammed.

    Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Thank you, Chevy Chase! Look here — last week I went to see “Stir Crazy” over at the Twin Theater on 42nd at Broadway. Now, I like Twin Theater — I see all my movies at Twin Theater. But I wish I hadn’t seen “Stir Crazy”, ’cause, see, I was confused. Now, I don’t know why people are saying “Stir Crazy” is so funny. First of all, they had Gene Wilder in this isolation tank for half the movie, with these wires and whatnot all over him, right? Then, later on, his arms start swelling up and he turns into a caveman! I didn’t think that part was funny. Then, when he was in the hour, Gene Wilder’s feet turned into MONKEY feet! And the most ridiculous part about it was, later on, Gene Wilder turned into Richard Pryor… and was running around the city buck-naked with some dogs chasing him. I had to feel bad for him. They must have filmed that part after he got burnt or something, I didn’t think that was him. Then he went to the zoo and threw soem rocks at a deer — I didn’t understand that, either. And then all of a sudden, Gene Wilder was laying on the rock buck-naked again. That was too deep for me. Don’t take your kids. And another thing — people you see on the commercials, they be talking about: “We bad, that’s right.” I didn’t see that in the WHOLE movie! So if somebody walk up to you and say, “Hey, man, you see ‘Stir Crazy’?” You tell them Raheem Abdul Mohammed told you it wasn’t very damn funny! Back to you, Chevy Chase.

    Chevy Chase: Thank you, Raheem.

    Raheem Abdul Mohammed: You welcome!

    [ Chevy holds out his hand for a shake ]

    Raheem Abdul Mohammed: You want to buy some reefer?

    [ Chevy glances off-camera ]

    Raheem Abdul Mohammed: We talk about that later, Chevy.

    Chevy Chase: At a press conference in Moscow this week, Soviet Premier Leonid Breznev proclaimed that he would give the Polish Communist Party more time to work out its problems. Putting his hands over his eyes, the president then said: [ puts his hands over his eyes ] “One-thousand one… one-thousand two…one-thousand three…” [ he lowers his hands ] Then he did this: [ he rips a sheet in paper in half ] I don’t know why!

    [ image: train wreck ] Well, it was a bad day for the Little Engine That Could. It couldn’t, and it didn’t.

    Chevy Chase: Actor Jimmy Stewart said last week that he’d take a bullet for the President. We sent “Weekend Update” reporter Laurie Metcalf to ask New Yorkers if they, like Jimmy Stewart, would take a bullet for the President, and if so, where?

    [ cut to New York street scenes ]

    Laurie Metcalf V/O: Would you take a bullet for the President?

    Random New Yorker: Uh — no, ma’am. No.

    Laurie Metcalf V/O: Is there someone you would take a bullet for?

    Random New Yorker: Yes, I would, uh, I would take a bullet for, uh, my family or my children or my wife or my loved ones, something like that.

    [ cut to another New Yorker ]

    Random New Yorker: I would take any particular part of my body to protect the President from any assault or any harm to himself.

    [ cut to Metcalf and a New Yorker ]

    Laurie Metcalf V/O: Jimmy Stewart said, when President Reagan was wounded, that he would have taken the bullet. Would you take a bullet for a president?

    Random New Yorker: [ leaning into the microphone ] Why not? It’s our patriotic duty to defend our president.

    [ cut to Metcalf with another New Yorker ]

    Laurie Metcalf V/O: Would you take a bullet for a president?

    Random New Yorker: Nope.

    [ cut to another New Yorker ]

    Random New Yorker: No.

    Laurie Metcalf V/O: Who would you take a bullet for?

    Random New Yorker: I’d take it for my mother, that’s it.

    [ cut to another New Yorker ]

    Random New Yorker: Honestly speaking? Uh — I would.

    [ cut to another New Yorker ]

    Random New Yorker: Not on the tri-system of justice, no way! Unfortunately for us, what would be the point?

    Laurie Metcalf V/O: Who would you take a bullet for?

    Random New Yorker: When this country gets back to law-and-order, THAT’S when I think about taking a bullet the president!

    [ cut to another New Yorker ]

    Random New Yorker: I wouldn’t take it for the president, if he wouldn’t take it for me.

    [ cut to another New Yorker ]

    Laurie Metcalf V/O: Would you take a bullet for the President?

    Random New Yorker: Sure.

    Laurie Metcalf V/O: Uh — where would you take the bullet?

    Random New Yorker: Anywhere it was coming — head, chest, stomach…

    Laurie Metcalf V/O: If you could choose?

    Random New Yorker: If I could choose? Yeah, I’d rather take it in the arm.

    [ cut to another New Yorker ]

    Random New Yorker: I would take it in the brain.

    [ cut to another New Yorker ]

    Random New Yorker: Probably, I would try to take it in my arm or my leg.

    [ cut to another New Yorker ]

    Random New Yorker: Well, I’m not gonna take it in the head.

    [ cut to another New Yorker ]

    Random New Yorker: I never gave it a thought.

    [ cut to another New Yorker ]

    Random New Yorker: I’d probably jump up high — that way, if the bullet came, it would probably hit in the chest or something… or maybe in the back. It wouldn’t be enough to kill, but enough to cripple, and at the same time, my thought, being a friend of the president, would block him.

    [ cut to another New Yorker ]

    Random New Yorker: That’s a tough question to ask, would I take it for someone else. No one could answer that. To be honest with you, I really don’t know.

    [ cut to Laurie Metcalf ]

    Laurie Metcalf: That’s how New Yorkers feel. This is Laurie Metcalf, “Weekend Update”.

    [ dissolve to Weekend Update slide ] [ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk, trying to flick a booger off of his fingers ] [ Chevy looks up, surprised to see the camera on him ]

    Chevy Chase: Thank you!

    Secretary of State Alexander Haig is also visiting the Middle East and Spain. While in Spain, the Secretary got a case of the Touristas. Haig held a news conference and said, “I’m in control.”

    Speaking of Spain, Generalissimo FRancisco Franco remains deceased at this time. For up-to-the-minute news concerning any change in his condition, please stay tuned to this station.

    A sad piece of news came in today from the Bedford Hills Prison, where Jean Harris is serving a sentence of fifteen years. At noon yesterday, she made her second suicide attempt. Two cellmates, three wardens, and a priest were killed.

    Well, Las Vegas psychic Tamara Rand announced today that she is changing her name to “Yesterday”. She gave no reason for her decision. [ glancing at news sheet ] The writer’s strike continues…

    In a comprehensive report released by the White House to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee today, the administration announced that, heretofore, the nations of South Africa, Zaire, Angola, Chad, Ethiopia, and Liberia.

    In an attempt to modernize its services, the Catholic Church has introduced something new into Communion. In addition to dispensing the host, priests will now, also, dispense a co-host, which symbolizes the body of Mike Douglas.

    [ Chevy pushes his news sheet off the side of the desk ]

    Despite the recent attack on his father, it’s business-as-usual for Ronald Reagan, Jr., shown here dancing in the ballet: “The Flaming Dip.”

    In people today, Erik Estrada, the actor, severely lacerated the inside portion of his ankle recently, while merely attempting to start his motorycle during the filming of a “CHiPs” episode. The 1000 CC bike then fell on his hair and hand, causing inexplicable publicity. Sources close to Estrada said they laughed and laughed.

    Chevy Chase: [ holding up news sheet ] Hey, look at this!

    [ image: two Sammy Davis, Jrs. on a stamp ] This just in, again: Here’s a mint issue of Zimbabwe’s first Air Mail stamp. [ Chevy appears confused ]

    More really bad news for the Columbia space shuttle. Not only has a take-off been delayed for over two years, but at two o’clock today, Lt. Strickland of the Canaveral Police issued the shuttle a parking ticket, with fines exceeding $3 million. [ he chuckles ] “We tried to be lenient,” the lieutenant said, “but they’ve been here two years, and it is a six-hour zone.”

    Chevy Chase: And now, to talk about the new “Saturday Night Live” staf and, of course, himself, is former “Weekend Update” correspondent, Mr. Al Franken. Al?

    Al Franken: Thanks, Chevy. It’s nice to see someone else from the old show. [ he smiles impishly ] You know, most of you probably know me, Al Franken… [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] from the Al Franken Decade reports I did last year. Or from the Franken & Davis shows that my partner, Tom Davis, and I did over the five years of the original “Saturday Night Live”. Now, during the past six months, I have suffered countless instances of personal embarrassment, from people coming up to me, Al Franken… [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] and saying, “Hey, Al! Al Franken! Are you still writing for the show?” Or, “Al! Al Franken! How’s the show going?” Well, I’m here tonight to set the record straight. I am not involved, in any way, with the new “Saturday Night Live”.

    [ the audience applauds ]

    Now, there’s been a lot of articles on how “Saturday Night” fell apart. [ he holds up a TV Guide ] Now, here’s one in this week’s TV Guide. It’s a pretty good one, it’s okay. [ he opens to an inner page, headlined: “The Debacle of the Year” ] I don’t know if you can see that, but… the real story has never been told… ’til tonight. And you can believe it, because it’s coming from me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ]

    You see, Lorne Michaels, the producer of “Saturday Night”, decided after last season that it was time to go on to different things. [ pull back to bring Chevy Chase into the shot ] Now, he figured the first season had been great. Then, Chevy left. And the show, of course, got even better. Then — then after the fourth year, Danny and John left. Now, them — them, we missed. [ return to close-up of Al ] So, after five golden years, Lorne decided to leave. And so did those close to him, including me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ]

    So, NBC had to pick a new producer. Now, most knowledgeable people, as you might imagine, hoped it would be me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] But instead, without consulting the show’s staff or cast, NBC picked Jean Doumanian, an associate producer on the show. Now, I don’t want to be cruel to Jean — because it might make you think less of me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Anyway, it took NBC twelve shows to figure out their horrendous mistake. And a month ago, they fired Jean. Okay, now, who do they pick to rectify the original error? Someone who knows what he’s doing? Someone like me, Al Franken? [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] No, they picked Dick Ebersol. Now, I know Dick because he was a network executive in charge of late-night programming when “Saturday Night” started, and, as such, was the first person to steal credit for the success of “Saturday Night”, credit which should rightfully go to Lorne Michaels and me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ]

    Now, let me give you some background on Dick “Mr. Humor” Ebersol. His credits include “The Waverly Wonders” starring Joe Namath, “Rollergirls”, and a show called “Valerie” about a kid from Brooklyn who dances every night at a disco. Now, to this day, Dick claims that he never saw “Saturday Night Fever”, and that it was all an amazing coincidence. Anyway, I know Dick, and I can tell you that he doesn’t know dick. [ laughter and applause ]

    Okay. Now, the show is going to be a little better. No English-speaking person could do a worse job than Jean. But it’s clearly time to yank this tired old format off the air. So if you’re wondering what you can do for me, Al Franken… [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] please write a card or letter to:

    Put SNL To Sleep
    30 Rockefeller Plaza
    New York, New York 10020

    Let’s put this show out of its misery! You’ll be doing a great favor for yourselves, and for me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Thank you!

    Chevy Chase: Thank you, Al. Al, you’re actually going to be hosting the show next week, is that right?

    Al Franken: Yeah. It’ll be, uh — my partner Tom Davis, and, uh, and me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] We’ll be hosting, and our special guest will be The Grateful Dead.

    Chevy Chase: Well, thanks, Al.

    Al Franken: Yeah. So watch next week, but not after that.

    Chevy Chase: Thank you, Al.

    [ they stare one another down for a moment ]

    Chevy Chase: This just in. [ Chevy glances at the page, then puts it down ]

    Well, how long does it take to cook a baby in a microwave oven? Exactly 55 seconds per pound, claims Mrs. Nelson Lynde of Glancing Blow, Michigan, who turned this smally fry into a small roast in just eight minutes and fifteen seconds. And to that, let me add: Well done! [ he laughs ]

    Chevy Chase: And that’s the news on this, the 81st day of the freedom for the hostages from Iran. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

    [ the camera holds on Chevy for an extended period, as he sips from a glass of water while waiting for the scene to fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

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    SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Bill Murray’s Monologue

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 6: Episode 12

    80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

    Bill Murray’s Monologue

    …Bill Murray
    …Eddie Murphy

    Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and Gentlemen — Bill Murray!

    [Huge cheers and applause as Bill appears at home base via the elevator. He exits out of it and struts to the edge of the stage and does a kick jump and a dance to finish it off as the music ends.]

    Bill Murray: [pointing to the band] How about that band?! Come on! Come on! More!

    [After Bill gestures them, the band starts to play the theme music again as Bill jumps up and down while walking to the other side of the stage and hugs a support pole and jumps down below to the audience. He picks up a female audience member, drapes her over his head, and sets her back down on her chair. He jumps back onto the stage and continues dancing when Eddie Murphy shows up and cues the band to stop playing.]

    Eddie Murphy: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What the hell is…

    Bill Murray: Eddie Murphy! Let’s here it for him! [stamps his feet on the stage as Eddie briefly smiles to the audience]

    Eddie Murphy: What the hell are you doing? You’re supposed to be doing your monologue out here. You almost dropped this woman on her head, Bill!

    Bill Murray: Well, I guess I got a little excited, huh? Well, what are you doing out here? Asking me what I’m doing, anyway?

    Eddie Murphy: Well, you’re suppposed to be doing your monologue. This ain’t a band number. Do your thing!

    Bill Murray: Oh, come on, Eddie. You know what we talked about. It’s just doesn’t matter, you know. I could go out here and say “Gee, these kids are great, golly! They got so much energy, and I don’t even know what’s gonna happen next!” Eddie, it just doesn’t matter. The important thing is that we’re working together.

    Eddie Murphy: Yeah.

    Bill Murray: Yeah, and that we’re BAD!

    Eddie Murphy: Yeah.

    Bill Murray: You’re bad!

    Eddie Murphy: I’m bad.

    Bill Murray: I’M bad!

    Eddie Murphy: We’re both bad.

    Bill Murray: I mean, that previous Black-White act, you know — or, should I say, that Pryor act — you know, they thought they were bad, or Wild or Wilder, if you will. They’re not as widl or bad as the Murray-Murphy combo! ‘Cause we’re BAD!

    Eddie Murphy: Right, we bad!

    Bill Murray: That’s right! In fact, we’re BADDER!

    Eddie Murphy: Right! You mean we MORE bad!

    Bill Murray: We’re MORE bad! We are the WORST, my man! Give me five, come on!

    [ Eddie low-fives Bill ]

    Eddie Murphy: We’re TERRIBLE! Give me fifteen!

    [ Eddie low-fives both hands and raises one foot ]

    Bill Murray: We are NAUSEATING! Now, give me some of that long sole, my man!

    [ Bill turns around, raises one foot and holds out his hand, which Eddie high-fives downward to Bill’s foot ]

    Bill Murray: Come on! Gvie me the PINK side now! [ Bill holds out his hand ]

    Eddie Murphy: We gonna have to work on that one!

    Bill Murray: And we’re both Irish, too! That’s so great!

    Eddie Murphy: Yeah.

    Bill Murray: Yeah, Murray and Murphy, the Irish duo. An Irish Jig, let’s do it man. [Bill does a dance move]

    Eddie Murphy: [rather offended and pointing at Bill] Now, that’s bad AND dangerous, so watch yourself.

    Bill Murray: Come on, man, I’m only kidding. We’re a team. We’re just like salt and pepper. [slaps hands with Eddie]

    Eddie Murphy: Pepper and salt!

    Bill Murray: Come on! Paprika and cinnamon!

    Eddie Murphy: Hartman, Oprah!

    Bill Murray: Yeah, Belushi and Aykroyd. [slaps hands again]

    Eddie Murphy: That’s bad!

    Bill Murray: That’s bad! We’ll be right back, man!

    Eddie Murphy: Yeah!

    [Cheers and applause as Bill and Eddie continue to give each other high fives including a jumping one as the screen fades.]

    Submitted by Kyleman88

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Saturday Night Newsline

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 6: Episode 12

    80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

    Saturday Night Newsline

    Dr. Jonathan Lear…..Mark King

    [ open on Dr. Jonathan Lear seated at news desk ]

    Dr. Jonathan Lear: I’m Dr. Jonathan Lear. This is “Saturday Night Live: Newsline”, Science Break. Tonight: DNA.

    As most of us know, DNA is the basic building block of life. Also, DNA is the master molecule of life. It’s really great! We have been able to obtain actual photographs of DNA molecules, so let’s take a look at some of them.

    [ he holds up a drawing of DNA ]

    In its simplest form, DNA looks like a double helix.

    [ he swaps out DNA cards ]

    Here’s a photo of DNA molecules sitting up straight.

    [ he swaps out DNA cards ]

    Here’s some FAT DNA!

    [ he swaps out DNA cards ]

    Here’s some DNA hiding in spaghetti.

    [ he swaps out DNA cards ]

    Here’s DNA sitting on a picket fence.

    [ he swaps out DNA cards ]

    DNA following a fish.

    [ he swaps out DNA cards ]

    Have a nice day, DNA!

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Saturday Night Newsline II

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 6: Episode 12

    80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

    Saturday Night Newsline II

    …..Bill Murray

    [ open on Bill Murray seated at news desk ]

    Bill Murray: Hello. I’m Bill Murray for “Newsline”, Arts & Leisure. It’s that time of year again, time for everyone’s annual Oscar predictions.

    [ the audience applauds wildly, as Bill Murray holds up his Oscar board list ]

    I think you heard it here first… that in the categories of Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress, nobody gives a DAMN! [ he pulls the nominees of these actors from the board ] Let’s get these people off of here as quickly as possible, and get them out of here!

    In the Best Actress category, there can only be ONE winner — and that is Mary Tyler Moore. [ he wipes the other nominees from the board ] And for one reason: Because Carol Burnett isn’t nominated.

    In the Best Actor category, there can only be one winner — and that is Jack Lemmon, because Jack Lemmon is still alive.

    And in the Best Picture category, there can ONLY be one winner, and that is “Tess”, because Hollywood hasn’t had a good party since Roman Polanski left.

    [ he removes the winners from the board ]

    But these awards are meaningless to you and me because, well… we’re not judging them, people. I think it’s time for some new awards, and I’m about to give them.

    In the category of Best Supporting Actress: For her work in “Wholly Moses”, the winner is… Laraine Newman.

    [ the audience applauds ]

    In the category of Best Supporting Actor: For his fantastic work with Benji in “Oh! Heavenly Dog”… Mr. Chevy Chase.

    [ the audience applauds ]

    A first for this award — a tie in the Best Actress category: For her work in “How to Beat the High Cost of Living”… Ms. Jane Curtin; and for a DOUBLE nomination for “Gilda Live” and “The First Family”… Ms. Gilda Radner.

    [ the audience applauds ]

    And what’s gota be a second in the history of this category — uh, uh, a second tie in the Best Actor category: For their work as Jake and Elwood Blues… Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi.

    [ the audience applauds ]

    For the Best Picture, there, of course, is only one winner. And that is… “Caddyshack”. Because it was written by my brother, Brian Doyle-Murray, and Doug and Harold.

    [ the audience applauds ]

    Uh — finally, most important award of all: The Irving Thalberg Memorial Award for humanitarian, decency, and just all around good guyness… given to Garrett Morris, for his work with the Guardian Angels here in New York City.

    [ the audience applauds ]

    Those are my awards. Let’s see what happens!

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Saturday Night Newsline

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 6: Episode 12

    80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

    Saturday Night Newsline

    …..Charles Rocket
    …..Joe Piscopo

    [ open on Charles Rocket at news desk ]

    Charles Rocket: This is “Newsline.”

    Our top story tonight: Lady Diana Spencer just broke off her engagement to Prince Charles, because she discovered he was not a virgin.

    Well, after three long months in court, Jean Harris was found guilty of murdering this man: Dr. Tarnauer. Apparently, she did it because she was in a jealous rage. Hard to beleive anybody could be jealous of this guy!

    Well, anyway, Mrs. Harris contended she was trying to commit suicide. She probably thought she could get herself in the head by ricchoeting the bullets off his pajamas. That must have been it, yeah! That’s probably it!

    Well, Washington, D.C. has been buzzing all week about Congressman John Jeanerette’s wife, Rita, who, as we all know, posed nude in this month’s Playboy. Now, look, I don’t know… what’s the big deal here? I mean, I saw the pictures, and… Rita: You were great! I thought you really looked really good! And if you really stop and think about it, it could have been worse. I mean, how would you like to look at a seven-page spread of Mrs. Tip O’Neill? I don’t know… [ he shakes his head ] That wouldn’t be good.

    Charles Rocket: Well, it’s been a big week in sports, and here to tell us all about it is our own Joe Piscopo.

    Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Charlie! Hello again, everybody! Joe Piscopo, live, Saturday Night Sports! The big story! Hockey! Violence! Penalties! Blood! Stitches! Gore City!

    [ cut to two hockey players holding hockey sticks at one another ]

    Joe Piscopo V/O: Solution? Softer sticks!

    [ the players begin to attack one another with the rubber sticks ]

    Joe Piscopo V/O: Violence! Plenty! Bloodshed! None!

    [ return to Piscopo at the news desk ]

    Joe Piscopo: Today, the stick! Tomorrow, the PUCK! Joe Piscopo, live, Saturday Night Sports!

    Charles Rocket: Thank you, Joe. Did you say “puck”? Alright, well, once again —

    [ the audience cheers ]

    There’s another scandal that affects everyone who owns a television set. Oh, sure, I know many of you read about it in TV Guide — Cocaine is taking over Hollywood. Is that shocking, or what? The investigation is on, and everyone is scrambling. On the set of “Alice”, for example, they’ve taken all the spoons out of Mel’s Diner. At taping sessions, actors are understandably hesitant to call out: “Where are my lines?!” Well, it kind of makes you suspicious, doesn’t it? I mean, like, what did realy happen to Karl Malden, why did he get off the air? Well, when you think about it, his nose is so big he could have wiped out Hollywood all alone, you know what I mean?

    Speaking of celebrities, Orson Welles and Shelley Winters are back at it again!

    Charles Rocket: [ glancing off-camera ] For “Saturday Night Newsline”, I’m Charles Rocket. [ he turns to face the camera ] Ove here?

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Nick Rivers

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 6: Episode 12

    80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

    Nick Rivers

    Bud Slim…..Neil Levy
    Nick Rivers…..Bill Murray
    …..Paul Shaffer
    Sid…..Eddie Murphy
    Mary Kay Lady #1…..Denny Dillon
    Mary Kay Lady #2…..Gail Matthius
    Marlene Cooper…..Yvonne Hudson

    [ open on Bud Slim performing a card trick for a group of patrons on a riverboat ]

    Bud Slim: So this guy says to me: “Hey, kid, come here! Let me see that deuce again.” I said, “Sure.” But the deuce had become… THREE aces. [ he holds up three aces ] [ the crowd cheers, as Nick Rivers rushes out ]

    Nick Rivers: Let’s hear it for him! Our own Bud Slim. Let’s hear it for him!

    [ Bud Slim exits ]

    Nick Rivers: [ singing ]“Ohhhh, sailing!
    Takes me awayyyyy to where I want to be…”

    Oh, heck! I’m not gonna sing one of his songs, because the guy just walked out of town with all the Grammys! I’m talking about Chris Cross, of course. Hi! My name is Nick Rivers. I want to welcome you all to the Paddlewheel Lounge aboard the Riverboat Queen, and what a MAJESTIC lady she is as she plies the Mighty Mississippi. We’re awfully, awfully sorry about the engine trouble that developed upstream, and it’s too bad because we HAD hoped to be in New Orleans for Mardi Gras, but, unfortunately, we’re gonna be two-and-a-half days late. Well, sorry. No big deal! But, hey — I think that the Mardi Gras we had at the dock in Cincinnati was just as good, and I mean that. [ looking toward the crowd ] Hey, here’s our good buddy Sid now, with another round of juleps. How you doing, Brother Man?

    Sid: Hey, what’s happening, Rick?

    Nick Rivers: Hey, how about a fresh Scotch for me?

    Sid: Oh, sorry, Rick. I checked it out, man, you gotta pay for your drinks.

    Nick Rivers: [ he sighs ] Okay, well, thanks for trying anyway, okay? Appreciate it. Hey, everybody, take care of Sammy, because he’s had a tough life. You know, he’s a character…

    [ singing ]“Who left a good job down in the city
    He pumped a lot of tank down in New Orleans
    But the dude never saw the good side of the city
    ‘Til he hitched a ride aboard the Riverboat Queen.
    Big wheel keep on turnin’
    Oh, Proud Mary keep on burnin’
    He be rollin’
    He be rollin’!
    Said that dude be rollin’ on the river!”

    [ the crowd applauds ]

    Nick Rivers: You know, the South is known for its lovely, lovely, lovely ladies, and I know a couple of genuine Southern belles when I see them. [ he kneeles before two women at a table ] Tell us — where you all from?

    Mary Kay Lady #1: Uh — Richton, Minnesota.

    Nick Rivers: [ he chuckles ] Wild guess — you two… are SISTERS!

    Mary Kay Lady #1: [ she chuckles ] Oh, no — actually, we’re, uh, southern Minnesota representatives for Mary Kay Cosmetics.

    Mary Kay Lady #2: We just got back from a big meeting in Cincinnati, and we met Mary Kay herself — and I gotta tell you, she’s an inspiration!

    Mary Kay Lady #1: After all thee years, she still has the face and figure of a teenager.

    Nick Rivers: Her? What abot you two? [ the ladies gush ] Come on, hey! If anybody’s gonna score on this trip, it’s gonna be at this table, and you know it! You know, you ladies might be interested to know that tomorrow we stop at historic Vicksburg, the site of the famous Siege of 1863, or 4, or 5, or 61 or 62, one of those years — not really sure — when the grand ladies of the South, in order to survive, were forced to eat rat flesh. Wow. True story.

    [ Sid re-enters the room ]

    Nick Rivers: Uh, Sid — how about some of those teeny little weiners, for the girls at Mary Kay. Can we have that, please? Hey, what the heck — bring teeny weiners for everybody, okay? [ to the crowd ] Life is a party, huh?

    [ singing ]“Now’s the time to come together
    It’s up to you, WHAT’S your pleasure?
    Everyone around the world,
    It’s a celebration!
    Come on, Pablo!”

    [ Nick leans over Paul’s piano as they sing together ]

    “Celebrate good times, COME HOME!
    Celebrate good times, COME HOME!”

    Nick Rivers: [ singing ] “It’s a cel-e-braaaaaaa-tion!”

    [ the crowd cheers ]

    Nick Rivers: Yeah, thank you! You know, this has been a year for celebration. How about those… hostages coming home? Come on, applause! [ the crowd applauds ] You know, I got a little surprise for ya’. The Captain tells me that we have a very special guest onboard… and I would like you all to meet her: One of the original American hostages in Iran… Miss Marlene Cooper. [ grabbing Marlene’s hand ] Come on, stand up, would you please, Marlene? Stand up. [ she stands ] EVERYBODY, UP! EVERYBODY UP! EVERYBODY UP, DAMMIT!! COME ON!! [ the crowd stands and applauds ] Okay, everybody down. Everybody down! [ the crowd sits ] Thank you. Welcome home, Marlene.

    Marlene Cooper: Thanks.

    Nick Rivers: The Lord’s been good to you, huh? I guess it must be pretty sweet to be back in the U.S.A., huh?

    Marlene Cooper: Well… I’ve been home for about a year now.

    Nick Rivers: [ taken aback by this news ] Oh, I see. You’re one of the Black hostages they sent back early.

    Marlene Cooper: Yes. Well, they only held us for about four weeks.

    Nick Rivers: Oh, I’m sorry. That’s kind of a tough break — no parade, no yellow ribbon, no welcome home whatsoever. That must have been a pretty tough… experience for you. Well, let me see if I can try a little… [ he kisses her forehead ] rescue, something for you.

    [ singing ]“There ain’t nothin’ I can do!
    Ain’t nothin’ I can say!
    I’m comin’ to your emotional rescue.
    Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh!
    Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh!”

    Thank you, thank you! You know, I’ve played most of the towns on this here river. I’ve been up and down this river, played most of the towns, but, unfortunately, I can’t go back to most of them. But Nick Rivers isn’t going to be floating on this river forever. I’m hoping like any entertainer, to get that… [ he crosses his fingers ] big break, in that big town where it’s all happening.

    [ singing ]“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!!
    If I can make it there
    I’m gonna make it
    It’s, up, to, yooooooouuu, Neeeeeeew Or-leans
    Neeeeewwwww Or-leeeeeeeeans!”

    Thank you!

    [ camera pulls up and pans into the audience, stopping at a man with SUPER: “Ato Crash Test Dummy” ] [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Charlene Tilton: 02/21/81: Haunted Lincoln Bedroom

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 6: Episode 11

    80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

    Haunted Lincoln Bedroom

    Nancy Reagan…..Gail Matthius
    Doria Reagan…..Ann Risley
    Bellboy…..Eddie Murphy
    Mary Todd Lincoln…..Denny Dillon

    [ open on close-up of a diary, as the hands of Nancy Reagan open it ]

    Nancy Reagan V/O: “Dear Diary… Everything’s going so well. I’m First-Lady, and every woman in America worships me.” Oh! [ she writes over her entry ] “Every human in America worships me. Only one thing mars my happiness: That scheming opportunist that married my Ron Jr. — Doria!” [ scribbling ferociously ] “DORIA! DORIA!! DORIA!!! If only things could be different…”

    [ thunder strikes, as the image dissolves to the Lincoln Bedroom ] [ Nancy opens the creaking door while holding a candleabra ]

    Nancy Reagan: I wonder what’s taking my new daughter-in-law so long? It isn’t every night a girl gets to sleep in Lincoln’s bedroom.

    Doria Reagan: Ow! Ow! It’s pitch black in this hall! Ow!

    Nancy Reagan: Oh, I’m sorry, Doria! Take this! [ she throws the candleabra into the hall ] [ Doria screams as she runs into the bedroom ]

    Doria Reagan: Oh! I was almost burned!

    Nancy Reagan: Thank God you’re all right — we could have had a nasty grease fire.

    Doria Reagan: It was awfuly nice of you to invite me to spend the night, Mrs. Reagan. Especially since you referred to me in the papers as “That cheap piece of trash.”

    Nancy Reagan: Ohhh, you know the press! Always “quoting” people! I mean… “misquoting” people.

    Doria Reagan: Oh. [ she laughs ] But I thought you said Skip was meeting us here?

    Nancy Reagan: Oh, he was just called away on an emergency pais-do-do.

    Doria Reagan: Oh.

    Nancy Reagan: But… he told me to take care of you, and that’s exactly what I intend to do.

    [ thunder roars ]

    Doria Reagan: I don’t know… it’s kind of creepy in here.

    Nancy Reagan: Oh, don’t worry — I’m here. If you need me, just ring this. [ she holds up a bell ] [ Nancy exits the bedroom, as thunder continues to rumble ] [ Doria grabs the bell and attempts to ring it, but discovers there’s no tone inside ] [ ominous laughter comes from the hall, so Doria frantically opens the door… only to discover Nancy standing outside the door ]

    Nancy Reagan: Oh! [ she covers her mouth ] Sweet dreams! [ she laughs ominously once again, and shuts the door ] [ Doria crosses the room and stands in front of a portrait of Abraham Lincoln, which suddenly reaches out and grabs her hair ]

    Doria Reagan: Aiighhhh!!!! Somebody, help me!! Help me!!

    [ Doria rushes across the room and thrusts the door open; Nancy enters ]

    Nancy Reagan: What is it?

    Doria Reagan: [ frantic ] Abraham Lincoln just tried to do my hair!!

    Nancy Reagan: Doria, Doria… you’re imagining things. Abraham Lincoln wouldn’t TOUCH your hair!

    Doria Reagan: Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re right. I forgot.

    [ Nancy shuts the door, then pokes her head back in ]

    Nancy Reagan: Of course I’m right.

    [ Nancy exits ] [ suddenly, there’s a knock at the door ] [ Doria opens the door to reveal a bellboy ]

    Bellboy: Are you Doria Reagan?

    Doria Reagan: [ afraid ] Yeah!

    Bellboy: I got a ticket for you. Ford Theater. Balcony. Care of… Mr. Booth. Enjoy.

    [ he exits and closes the door ]

    Doria Reagan: What is going ON here?!

    [ thunder strikes, and a voice begins to moan from underneath the bedsheets ] [ suddenly, the bedsheets flip over to reveal Mary Todd Lincoln singing ]

    Doria Reagan: Aiiiigghhhh!!! Mary Todd Lincoln singing Rogers & Hammerstein!! I’m getting out of here!! Somebody!! Somebody!!

    [ Doria thrusts open the bedroom door, as Nancy appears ]

    Doria Reagan: I’m leaving! And don’t you try and stop me!

    [ Nancy holds up Doria’s suitcase ] [ Doria grabs her suitcase and runs down the hall, screaming as she crashes down the stairs ]

    Nancy Reagan: Oh, and be careful on those stairs! Someone left marbles all over them!

    [ Nancy laughs ominously, as thunder crackles ] [ pull out on set, then upward into the balcony, zoom in on man in the audience with SUPER: “Couldn’t Score At Woodstock” ] [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    | Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

    SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Script in Development

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 6: Episode 12

    80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

    Script in Development

    Author…..Bill Murray
    Helen Stewart #1/Mrs. Lawnsdale/Maid…..Ann Risley
    Helen Stewart #2…..Denny Dillon
    Mr. Lawnsdale…..Charles Rocket
    Mr. Stewart…..Matthew Laurance

    [ open on Author seated at typewriter on a darkened set ]

    Author: [ reciting ] “Love Is Rough — Chapter One”.

    [ the set lights up ]

    Author: “It was a beautiful night.” No. “It was a dark and stormy night.”

    [ lightning flashes outside ]

    Author: “Helen Stewart strode into her library… and caught her reflection in the mirror.”

    [ Helen Stewart enters to the center of the room, looks around for the mirror and runs toward it ]

    Author: “Short, cute, and blonde as a button.”

    [ Helen #1 throws her arms up in disgust and trades places with the more appropriate Helen #2 ]

    Author: “Just then, there was a knock at the door!”

    [ a knock sounds at the door — Helen #2 runs over ]

    Author: “It was Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale, coming over for their weekly bridge game.”

    [ Helen opens the door to Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale ]

    Author: No, that’s no good. Let’s get Mrs. Lawnsdale out of there.

    [ Mrs. Lawnsdale throws up her arms in disgust and exits the room ]

    Author: “It was just Carl Lawnsdale.” That’s it! “– who was Helen’s secret lover.”

    [ Mr. Lawnsdale goes to shake Helen’s hand, but then pulls her closer to him ]

    Author: “Unable to restrain themselves any longer, they fell into a passionate embrace.”

    [ Mr. Lawnsdale bends over to kiss Helen ]

    Author: “–on the couch.”

    [ Mr. Lawnsdale wraps Helen in his arms and hops her over to the couch ]

    Author: “Carl moaned aloud:”

    Mr. Lawnsdaler: Helen!

    Author: “– and Helen moaned back:”

    Helen: Carl!

    [ they grunt in unison ]

    Author: “But fate was not on their side. Because, at that moment, who should come rushing into the room, but Helen’s husband!”

    [ Helen’s husband enters the room, as Helen and Mr. Lawnsdale bolt upright from the couch ]

    Author: “– a tragic cripple from birth.”

    [ the scene resets, as Helen’s husband hobbles comically into the room ]

    Author: No, that’s no good. No, no, no, no — he was BLIND! “He was blind.”

    [ Helen’s husband sits next to Helen and Mr. Lawnsdale on the couch and begins to motion his hands over their faces ]

    Author: “Blinded with jealousy.”

    [ Helen’s husband stands and steps back from the couple ]

    Author: And, uh, “– pulled a GUN from his pocket and furiously snarled:”

    Mr. Stewart: I don’t know WHICH of you to SHOOT!!

    Author: “He chose his wife.”

    [ the Jilted Husband shoots his wife — gun shot ]

    Author: “She screamed –“

    [ the Wife screams upon being shot ]

    Author: “– and fell to the couch.”

    [ she starts to fall away from the couch, but Mr. Lawnsdale pulls into the other direction and allows her to fall to the couch ]

    Author: No, that’s no good. “Instead, he lets Old Man Lawnsdale have it.”

    [ the Jilted Husband shoots Mr. Lawnsdale — gun shot ]

    Author: Yeah, that’s it. “He — Lawnsdale falls to the ground.”

    [ Mr. Lawnsdale falls to the ground ]

    Author: No, no, that’s no good. He, uh — he, uh — “He falls backwards over the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window.”

    [ Mr. Lawnsdale looks toward the author like he’s insane, but complies with the storyline and sprawls across the edge of the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window — glass shatters ]

    Author: No, I don’t like that, either. “Instead, he staggers around the room, wildly, blindly.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale stands up and staggers ] “Finally, smashing against the bookcase, pulling the entire works of Leo Tolstoy down on his crumpled, lifeless body.”

    [ Mr. Lawnsdale staggers into the bookcase, cradles the books into his arms and falls to the ground ]

    Author: That’s good. Okay: “Helen is horrified, and lets out a scream.”

    [ Helen screams ]

    Author: “– a blood-curdling scream.”

    [ Helen turns her scream up a notch ]

    Author: “The most blood-curdling scream ever heard in the history of man.”

    [ Helen screams with full intensity ]

    Author: Okay, that’s it. “She belches and storms out of the room.”

    [ Helen forces a burp and runs from the room gasping with her arms outstretched ]

    Author: Uh — “Mr. Stewart laughs maniacally.”

    [ he laughs maniacally ]

    Author: “– and then slams himself right in the center of his foreheart with his right fist.”

    [ confused, Mr. Stewart punches himself in the chest and the forehead ]

    Author: Yeah! “Just then, alarmed by the noises coming from the room, the maid, Mimi van Boom rushes in.”

    [ a pretty maid enters ]

    Author: “She is pitifully old and ugly! no one can stand the sight of her! She smells and she stinks!”

    [ Mr. Stewart cowers away, as the Maid slouches toward him ]

    Author: “No one can stand her, that is, except Mr. Stewart, who is desperately in love with her.”

    [ Mr. Stewart drops to one knee before the maid ]

    Author: “– despite the fact that she sneezes constantly, has a tubercular cough, drools all over him, and brushes her dandruff into his face.”

    [ the Maid performs all these disgusting habits over Mr. Stewart ]

    Author: “But fate was NOT on their side! For at that moment, WHO should come dashing into the room… but HELEN!”

    [ Helen rushes into the room ]

    Author: She let out a yelp:”

    [ Helen yelps ]

    Author: Uh — “The discovered livers — l-l-l-livers — lovers — the LOVERS! — freeze in panic!”

    [ the scene freezes, as the Author contemplates what he has written ]

    Author: Let’s see… I don’t know about this. Let’s go over it.

    [ Mr. Stewart drops the maid to the floor ] [ he rips the page from the typewriter, as the characters collect themselves and exit the set ]

    Author: Alright. [ reading ] “It was a beautiful night.” No, no, no. “It’s a dark and stormy night.” [ lightning strikes ] Uh — “Helen comes into the room, she sees herself in the mirror –” [ the maid runs into the room and toward the mirror ] “She’s short, blonde, and cute as a button.” [ the Maid runs off as Helen takes her position ] “There’s a knock at the door.” [ a knock sounds from the door ] “It’s Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale –” No, no. “It’s just Carl Lawnsdale.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale enters the room ] “They’re secret lovers, they embrace, they fall on the couch — they moan, he moans, she moans.” [ moaning and grunting from the couch ] Uh — “Enter the husband.” [ Mr. Stewart enters ] “He’s crippled…” Uh, no, no, no, no. “He’s blind.” [ Mr. Stewart hobbles to the couch, then feels his wife’s face ] Uh — “He pulls out the gun, he shoots her, she falls on the couch.” [ Helen is shot ] No, no, no. “He shoots him!” [ Mr. Lawnsdale is shot ] “He falls on the ground…” No, no, no, no! “He falls backward over the couch and slams into the Plate-Glass window…” [ Mr. Stewart steps around the couch and smaskes the window with his fist ] No, that’s not right, either. “He staggers over the room, he falls over, goes into the bookcase, pulls down the books of Leo Tolstoy on the shelf.” [ Mr. Stewart falls from the bookcase ] “Just then, Helen belches and runs out of the room.” [ she runs ] “The man laughs, but maniacally punches himself in the head.” [ he laughs ] “The old bag maid comes into the room.” [ the Maid rushes in ] “She’s old, she’s ugly, she stinks, she smells, she drools, she dribbles, she rubs her dandruff all over his face. He loves her.” [ they embrace wildly ] Uh — “Then a woman comes into the room, she yelps!” [ Helen yelps ] [ the Author glances at this trash ]

    Author: I don’t like this. It’s too artsy!

    [ he crumples his page and puts a new sheet into the typewriter ]

    Author: I need a whole new approach, I think. Let’s see… [ he types ] “I Gave My Heart to the Czar — Chapter One”.

    [ the lights dim, as the characters exit the set ]

    Author: “It was a dark and stormy night…”

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts