SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: Singing Billy-Gram

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 1

80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

Singing Billy-Gram

Man…..Elliot Gould
Woman…..Ann Risley
Delivery Boy…..Charles Rocket

[ open on elegantly-decorated apartment, as ?? sits waiting on the cocuch ]

Man: [ calling toward a back room ] Honey! Will you hurry up?

Woman: [ enters living area ] I’m hurrying, dammit!

Man: Such language, and on your birthday yet. Is something bothering you?

Woman: Well.. it’s just that I thought I’d at least hear from my parents. I mean, I know they’re not crazy about us living together, but.. this is the first time they’ve ever completely missed my birthday!

[ doorbell rings ]

Man: Who could that be?

Woman: Oh, I’ll get it. [ walks up to the front door ] Who is it?

Voice of Delivery Boy: Billy-gram!

Woman: Billy-gram? Billy-gram? [ opens the door to reveal a delivery boy carrying a telegram ] Oh, honey! They didn’t forget my birthday – hey sent a telegram!

Delivery Boy: No – it’s a Billy-gram! A sing-ing re-lig-ious mess-age! Your daddy has sent you a Billy-Gram, on your birth-day! Praise God! [ begins singing ]

“Sin, sin, sin – is what you’re living in
You don’t have a ring, but you’re having a fling
Thank God you’re not a twin!

Slut, slut, slut – in Hell, we’ll burn your butt
Your mother and I, are ready to die
Just don’t get: you know what!”

Re-pent on your birth-day! Praise Je-sus!

Woman: What a great gift idea.

Man: [ annoyed ] Yeah, it really made my night. Your parents think of everything!

Woman: Come on, now – lay off my parents, they —

Man: [ notices the delivery boy still standing at the door ] What are you waiting for?

Delivery Boy: He hath heard the song of the Lord – aren’t ye going to tip?

Woman: What nerve! [ walks away ]

Man: Get lost! [ pushes the delivery boy out of the living room and slams the door ]

Woman: Can you believe he actually wanted a tip?

Voice of Delivery Boy: [ singing behind the closed door ]“Whore, whore, whore – I’ll never even the score
I’ll sing and I’ll shout, why don’t you come out
And tell them all the score –!”

Woman: Tip him! Tip him!

[ Man re-opens the door, lets the delivery boy fall into the living room, and places a dollar bill into his gloved hand ]

Delivery Boy: [ pleased ] Well! Lord bless this un-ion!

[ Man again slams the door on the delivery boy, then turns to have it out with his significant other ] [ camera pulls out ] [ SUPER: “Personals: Fem exec into denim seeks black musician with large organ for backup gigs.” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: American Cancer Society

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 1

80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

American Cancer Society

Spokeswoman…..Gail Matthius

Spokeswoman: Hello! I’m from the American Cancer Society, with an important message for all women.

You know, breast cancer used to be a taboo subject, especially on TV. But, fortunately, today we are able to talk about it freely and openly. Learning how to examine your breasts can help save your life. There’s a simple procedure for dong this, which I will now demonstrate. Please watch carefully, observing all my movements.

[ she unbuttons her blouse and rips it off, as a black bar covers her full frontal ]

Spokeswoman: [ touching her breasts behind the black bar ] Begin here… touching this. Use this to probe that. Check to see if there’s anything like that. Then glide that along like this, like that, to see if there’s anything like this or that. Next, flex this firmly, while pressing that. Then flex this while pressing that. Finally, squeeze this between this and that. And that will look like this. Do not do this like this… or these will look like this. Do this like that, and that will look like this. And, lastly, one word of warning: If anything like… this… looks anything like… that… consult your doctor immediately. That could be fatal.

Thank you!

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: The preceding public service announcement was brought to you by the Service for Public Service Announcements.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: Cheering Up Jimmy

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 1

80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

Cheering Up Jimmy

Amy Carter…..Denny Dillon
Rosalyn Carter…..Ann Risley
President Jimmy Carter…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on Rosalyn Carter sewing as she sits in the Oval Office. Amy Carter comes running in, ]

Amy Carter: Mama! What’s wrong with Daddy? He’s acting so strange!

Rosalyn Carter: Well, he’s just a little upset, honey. You must remember, he’s going through a very difficult time in his life.

Amy Carter: But, Mama! All he does is stare off into space!

Rosalyn Carter: Well, your just gonna have to be patient with your Daddy, honey.

Amy Carter: But, Mama! I saw him urinating in the hallway!

Rosalyn Carter: Well, that’s all the more reason we’re just gonna help Daddy lift up his spirit.

[ Amy shrugs her shoulders, as soon-to-be ex-President Jimmy Carter, wearing a suit over pajama pants, shuffles into the Oval Office ]

President Jimmy Carter: How did it happen? I didn’t vote for him.. you didn’t vote for him.. none of my friends didn’t vote for him. I don’t understand. How ever did I lose? [ sinks into his chair ] [ Rosalyn and Amy come around opposite sides of the desk to comfort Jimmy ]

Rosalyn Carter: Oh, Jimmy. We didn’t want to win that silly ol’ election, anyway.

President Jimmy Carter: We didn’t?

Rosalyn Carter: Of course not. Now, how many times did you tell me that being President was fun?

Amy Carter: That’s right, Daddy! Why, remember how much fun we used to have on the farm, or we used to plow the fields together!

Rosalyn Carter: Darlin’, we haven’t planted a furrow or plowed a seed in four years.

President Jimmy Carter: I do miss it.

Rosalyn Carter: Well, that’s why we took certain precautions, like the debates?

President Jimmy Carter: The debates? I don’t recall..

Amy Carter: Daddy! The debates! Remember when you and Mr. Reagan stood up in front of the TV camera, and Mr. Reagan looked so calm and relaxed, and.. you looked so TENSE and MEAN!

Rosalyn Carter: You see, darlin’? That was part of the plan. We knew that once you stood up in public and talked, nobody would vote for you.

President Jimmy Carter: You were right about that.

Rosalyn Carter: You see, our plan worked all along. And now, we are free.

Amy Carter: [ chipper ] Like the slaves!

Rosalyn Carter: No more cares, no more worries. And, now, you can show your true feelings, Jimmy.

President Jimmy Carter: My.. true feelings? About what?

Rosalyn Carter: Well, honey, about all those people who [ seductively ] let you down.

President Jimmy Carter: Yeah. Like the Jews! I hate them! Those beanyheads didn’t vote for me!

Amy Carter: And the hostages!

President Jimmy Carter: Well, they didn’t vote for me, either!

Amy Carter: Yeah! What about the Democrats?

President Jimmy Carter: Yeah! My own party —

Rosalyn Carter: And now, honey.. you can release all those lustful thoughts..

President Jimmy Carter: I can! And.. I-I-I.. I want —

Rosalyn Carter: Amy, honey, I think you’d better be running along, now.

Amy Carter: But, Mama! I wanna hear!

Rosalyn Carter: [ sternly ] Amy!

[ Amy runs out of the Oval Office ]

Rosalyn Carter: Now, Jimmy.. I just want you to let it all out. [ stands him up next to the desk ] Honey, I’ve been waiting four years for this. [ unbuttons her blouse to reveal a black bra snug against her skin ]

President Jimmy Carter: I want to be naked!

Rosalyn Carter: Yes! Yes! [ pushes the red phone aside, and sits on the desk ]

President Jimmy Carter: Standing in the Oval Office —

Rosalyn Carter: Oh! GIVE it to me, Jimbo! [ stretches herself across the desk ]

President Jimmy Carter: I – I – oh, these last four years have robbed me of any lustful thoughts.

Rosalyn Carter: Don’t you see, darlin’, that’s why we had to lose – it was either the election or the erection.

President Jimmy Carter: Yeah! I can FEEL it!

Rosalyn Carter: Yeah!

President Jimmy Carter: I can feel the power returning to my body!

Rosalyn Carter: Yeah!

President Jimmy Carter: For the first time in four years, I can finally do what I’ve always wanted to do!

Rosalyn Carter: Well, then why don’t you just go ahead and DO IT, Mr. President! [ titls her hand back and breathes in anticipation ]

President Jimmy Carter: [ loosens his grip on Rosalyn and presses a button on the intercom ] Tell Billy to meet me in the Rose Garden! [ removes a pistol from inside his des, spins the chamber and walks with determination out of the Oval Office ] [ Rosalyn looks out with great confusion and disappointment ] [ camera zooms out ] [ SUPER: “Coming Up: J.R. Shot by B.B.” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: At One With…

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 1

80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

At One With…

Tom Morris…..Elliot Gould
Sgt. Steve Brick…..Joe Piscopo
Cpl. Peter Thomas…..Charles Rocket

[ open on title card ] [ dissolve to Tom Morris ]

Tom Morris: Welcome to “At One With…” I’m your host, Tom Morris. The Supreme Court recently ruled that homosexuals should be allowed to serve in the Armed Forces. To see how the military is adjusting to this ruling, we’ve invited a man who’s been in the Army for the past twenty years. His name is Sgt. Steve Brick.

[ pull out to reveal a frowning Sgt. Steve Brick seated next to Tom Morris ]

Sgt. Brick, how do you feel about the recent court ruling on the decision for homosexuality?

Sgt. Steve Brick: Well, uh, naturally, I didn’t care for it. But it is the law! And, uh, we’ve gotta let ’em in, well, hell! We’ve gotta let ’em in!

Tom Morris: But does the Army have any special plans for new homosexual recruits?

Sgt. Steve Brick: We’ve decided that these people work to the best of their ability in their own environment. That’s why we’ve formed a special Gay Brigade.

Tom Morris: I see. Will their training be any different?

Sgt. Steve Brick: Uh – a little different. I’ve brought someone along to, uh, show you that today’s Army is not afraid to change. [ stands, walks over to a gay recruit, standing straight ] This is Cpl. Peter Thomas. [ leans into his face and yells: ] Thomas, are you a homosexual?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Yes, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: You ever have any heterosexual thoughts?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: No, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: You ever read an issue of PLAYBOY?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: No, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: What was that picture of BO DEREK doing in your locker, Soldier?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: That was NOT my locker, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: Whose picture DO you have in your locker?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Cary Grant, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: Who else?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Just Grant, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: [ to Tom ] Obviously, this man is a homosexual. The next thing we like to teach them is: restraint! [ turns back to Cpl. Peter Thomas ] You’re a homosexual?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Yes, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: Can you restrain those tendancies?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Yes, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: Are you sure?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Yes, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: [ with eyes popping out of his head ] Would you-ou-ou like to kiss me-e-e-e?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: No, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: You mean to tell me you wouldn’t want to plant your lips on mi-ine?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: No, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: You wouldn’t want to ram your tongue down my throat, Soldier?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: No, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: [ turns back toward Tom ] This! Is a trained soldier!

Tom Morris: Well, tell me – how can a soldier – it’s remarkable – how can one soldier tell when another soldier is homosexual?

Sgt. Steve Brick: Uh – that’s really quite easy. Say I’ve pulled guard duty, and I come across Cpl. Thomas here. [ turns back to Cpl. Peter Thomas ] Halt! Soldier! Who goes there!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Cpl. Peter Thomas, Homo Number 4-5-6-7-8-9-6-2!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: What was Judy Garland’s first movie?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: “Pigskin Parade”! SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: The Mayor of San Francisco?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Dianne Feinstein! SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: How many of the Village People are really GAY?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: TWO!! The others are imposters! SIR!!

Tom Morris: Well, that is amazing! Now – the so-called Gay Brigade, where are they stationed?

Sgt. Steve Brick: Fort Dix. [ the audience laughs in spite of themselves ] I – I’d, uh – I’d like to show you right now, Mr. Morris, how a homosexual soldier marches

Tom Morris: Good.

Sgt. Steve Brick: [ to Cpl. Peter Thomas: ] Thomas! March ti-i-ime!!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: [ softly, as he marches in place ] Hut! Two, three —

Sgt. Steve Brick: I can’t HEAR you!!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: [ louder ] Hut! Two, three —

Sgt. Steve Brick: SING it for me, Soldier!!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: [ singing loud ] “I’m in the Army, and I’m gay!”

Sgt. Steve Brick: Left! Right! Left! Right!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: “That don’t mean I swish and sway!”

Sgt. Steve Brick: Left! Right! Left! Right!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: “I won’t go down on anyone!”

Sgt. Steve Brick: Left! Right! Left! Right!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: “Uncle Sam is the only one!”

Sgt. Steve Brick: Left! Right! Left! Right!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: [ marches off ] “I’m in the Army, and I’m gay –!”

[ Sgt. Brick returns to his seat ]

Tom Morris: Well, thank you, Sgt. Brick. [ to the audience ] We’ll see you next week on — good night!

[ dissolve back to title card ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 1

80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts


…..Elliot Gould

Elliot Gould: Well, the – the network, uh, had asked me to, uh – to extend their invitation to the President-Elect, his family, and all of you out there to eat as much Creole and Coconuts as you can. And, uh — [ turns to each cast member ] this is Gail.. and that’s Denny, and Ann.. and.. this is Gil, and Joe, and, uh.. [ Charles Rocket raises his hand ] Charles. And uh.. we’re gonna be around forever, so I hope we can.. keep on coming back.

[ end theme music plays, credits roll, the cast wraps a hula hoop around Elliot Gould ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: A Public Service Announcement: Highway Education

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 1

80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

A Public Service Announcement: Highway Education

[ SUPER: “A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT” ] [ shows Father getting into his car, with his family inside ]

Father: Okay now, what does everybody want to read today?

Daughter: Peter Pan!

Son: Huckleberry Finn!

Mother: How about the Swiss Family Robinson?

Father: Yeah, I think the kids will get a kick out of that. [ drives off ]

Announcer: The Andersons are about to take a leisurely Sunday afternoon drive. And read a classic novel at the same time. [ The family drives off, passing a sign that says “Swiss Family Robinson Ave.” ]

Thanks to a combined effort of the Department of Education and the Department of Highways,  The American public will be better educated and more entertained each and every time the travel on one of our fine roads.

[ They pass by signs that read, “SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON by Johnathan Swift”, “CHAPTER ONE”, “Shipwrecked…”, “And alone”, “For many days…”, etc. ] [ cut to Housewife driving; super: Housewife ]

Housewife: Oh I just love these mystery novels. You know, once I started Agatha Christie, I just can’t put her down!

Announcer: Highway education will even make bussing more acceptable, enabling students to study, even while in transit.

[ a school bus passes by signs that read, “Q: Who was the 14th American president?”,”A: Grover Cleveland” ] [ cut to Truck Driver by truck; super: Truck Driver ]

Truck Driver: Yeah, when I finish Sartre’s Being and Nothingness on my next drive, I’ll get my Master’s degree in Western philosophy.

[ cut to Book Critic in limo; super: Book Critic ]

Book Critic: Even though I find his storylines often intriguing, Kurt Vonnegut’s pacing is much too erotic.

[ cut to elderly couple driving around; super: Elderly Couple ]

Elderly Husband: You know, me and Evelyn decided that when we retired, we’d spend the rest of our days just driving around the country and catching up on our reading. Yeah, America sure is quite a library.

[ they drive by sign that reads, “…and so they lived happily ever after. The end.” ]

Announcer: This message has been brought to you by The Petroleum council. We’re trying to educate America.

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: Elliot Gould’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 1

80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

Elliot Gould’s Monologue

…..Elliot Gould
…..Denny Dillon

Announcer V/O: Ladies and gentlemen – Elliot Gould!

[ dissolve to the new Home Base set – supposedly meant to capture “The Look of the eighties”, but really a replica of Grand Central Station. A single elevator car is centered between a winding staircase. The elevator descends its shaft, sans Gould, who appears running frantically down the staircase. Gould beats the elevator to the stage, waits a moment for it to finish its descent, then opens the doors and pretends as if he were stepping out of the elevator car, then waves tothe audience and takes his place at Home Base. ]

Elliot Gould: Uh – I really am happy to be here. You know, uh, I’ve always had a very special feeling about doing “Saturday Night Live.” This is kind of like home to me. Over the years, I have done a lot of crazy things on this show. I’ve dressed up like a girl, I’ve told jokes.. I’ve ung, I’ve danced.. I was a Bee. But, tonight – tonight, I would really like to take a serious moment and share something personal with you, because I really am moved to be he host of this, the first show of thenew season. So, I wanted to “open up” with something a little bit more meaningful.

[ runs back toward the elevator, where a large trunk stands on its side ]

You see – my mother has been, uh, collecting things — [ drags to trunk back to the front of the stage ] I’ve been in, uh — for all my life, for me. And, uh – I really wanted to share it.. with you.

[ opens the trunk, reaches in and pulls out an old cloth diaper – the audience awwwws ]

This – this was my very first diaper. [ turns it around ] And these are the original safety pins. They’re rusty now. [ looks toward an audience member ] I’d like to share this.. with you. [ hands the diaper to an audience member, then returns to digging in the trunk ] [ pulls out a tiny pair of boy’s underwear ] Oh! And this was my very first pair of real underwear! I remember when my folks gave them to me! I was so excited, I could hardly wait to put them on! [ looks toward another audience member ] I want to share this.. with you. [ hands the pair of boy’s underwear to this audience member, then returns to digging in the trunk ] [ pulls out a pair of extremely soiled boy’s underwear ] Now – this was a — [ audience cracks up ] a very important pair of shorts. Very — this was the pair I wore for a whole summer, before I learned that you have to change your underwear! [ takes a deep sniff of the underwear, rolls his eyes and shakes his head ] I’m not gonna share this with you!

[ pulls out a pair of boxer shorts ] And these are my first pair of boxer shorts. Now, I began wearing it when I learned just how dangerous jockey shorts can be. You see — it’s true. The male, uh.. appendange.. was meant – truly – to be cooler than the rest of you. jockey shorts hold you too close and – and keep you too warm. That can make you sterile. So, if you worry about sterility, the answer just might be.. your underwear. Let me show you what I mean! [ begins to unbuckle his pants and pull them down his legs, as Denny Dillon steps forward carrying a garment bag ]

Denny Dillon: Uh.. Elliot?

Elliot Gould: Denny!

Denny Dillon: Excuse me —

Elliot Gould: Denny! What are you doing here? This is my monologue.

Denny Dillon: Well, I-I know that, but I-I didn’t know there was somebody else who understood about underwear.

Elliot Gould: Oh? You do?

Denny Dillon: Yeaaah!

Elliot Gould: Well, tell me – what kind of underwear do you have?

Denny Dillon: Well — [ pulls out two pairs of silky panties ] I’ll give you these two —

Elliot Gould: Okay.

Denny Dillon: — for, uh – those boxer shorts — [ grabs for Gould’s boxer shorts ]

Elliot Gould: Well, no, no, no! You don’t know how valuable these boxer shorts are.

Denny Dillon: Yeah?

Elliot Gould: Yeah.

Denny Dillon: [ reaches into her garment bag ] More valuable than these? [ pulls out an older pair of women’s undergarments ]

Elliot Gould: Oh?

Denny Dillon: These are my grandmother’s bloomers!

Elliot Gould: Well, I’ll tell you what, Denny, I-I-I — [ begins digging in his trunk ]

Denny Dillon: I’ll give you two —

Elliot Gould: I can trade you — [ pulls out a second pair of boxer shorts ] a pair of Donald sutherland’s boxers.. [ digs smoe more, pulls out a bra ] Nick Nolte’s brassiere —

Denny Dillon: [ pulls out a leopard-print leotard ] I’ll — I have this

Elliot Gould: And, if you hand me that – that leotard would be very nice —

Denny Dillon: Yeah.

Elliot Gould: We’ll be right back.

[ Gould begins to excitedly dig through Denny’s garment bag, as the camera pulls back and fades ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: Speed Listening

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 1

80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

Speed Listening

Spokeswoman…..Denny Dillon

[ open on snobbish woman sitting back in a leather chair as she speed-reads a book. After a few moments, she finally notices the camera upon her. ]

Spokeswoman: [ speaking in airs ] Hello! One of life’s greatest pleasure is relaxing with a good obok and some good music. [ glances at her watch ] But I’m a busy woman – I like to relax fast. I read my favorite books fast, and now, I listen to my favortie music, fast. I’ve learned to.. speed-listen! [ glances at a record player on the endtable next to her chair ] As a matter of fact, I’m going to relax with the haunting strings of Beetoven’s Fifth Symphony, in its entirety, right now – while you listen more about this revolutionary idea.

[ she turns on the record player and returns to quickly reading her book. The music flows from the record player at an equally fast rate. ]

Announcer: With speed-listening, you’ll soon be enjoying the great music of the ages, that you could never pay attention to before.

[ titles scroll up the screen:

Verdi’s “Rigoletto” (20 seconds)

Wagner’s “Ring of the Nibelungen” (35 seconds) ]

Announcer: And you can listen to popular tunes, too.

[ more titles scroll up the screen:

“You Light Up My Life” (1 second)

“Just the Way You Are” (1 second)

“Stairway to Heaven” (2 seconds) ]

Announcer: Call now, and you’ll also receive: this speed-listening album:

[ dissolve to close-up of album: “The World’s Great Music” ]

Announcer: “The World’s Great Music.” Which contains the complete works of: Bach, Brahms, Mozart, Handel, Manilow, and Stravinsky.

[ image pulls out to reveal a 45 wrapped in an open sleeve ]

Announcer: And this bonus: “American Top 40 Singles from 1950 to the present.”

[ dissolve back to Spokeswoman, as she finishes both her book and Beetoven’s Fifth at the same time ]

Spokeswoman: [ exhales joyously ] Isn’t that moving! Don’t put off listening to these classic masterpieces, because you think they’re too long! Hear them in half the time, with this half-assed way of listening to music! Speed-listening! Because — [ turns record player back on ] your relaxation time is precious.

[ another classical tune plays, as she begins sleed-reading her book once more ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts