SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: At One With…


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1




80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

At One With…

Tom Morris…..Elliot Gould
Sgt. Steve Brick…..Joe Piscopo
Cpl. Peter Thomas…..Charles Rocket

[ open on title card ] [ dissolve to Tom Morris ]

Tom Morris: Welcome to “At One With…” I’m your host, Tom Morris. The Supreme Court recently ruled that homosexuals should be allowed to serve in the Armed Forces. To see how the military is adjusting to this ruling, we’ve invited a man who’s been in the Army for the past twenty years. His name is Sgt. Steve Brick.

[ pull out to reveal a frowning Sgt. Steve Brick seated next to Tom Morris ]

Sgt. Brick, how do you feel about the recent court ruling on the decision for homosexuality?

Sgt. Steve Brick: Well, uh, naturally, I didn’t care for it. But it is the law! And, uh, we’ve gotta let ’em in, well, hell! We’ve gotta let ’em in!

Tom Morris: But does the Army have any special plans for new homosexual recruits?

Sgt. Steve Brick: We’ve decided that these people work to the best of their ability in their own environment. That’s why we’ve formed a special Gay Brigade.

Tom Morris: I see. Will their training be any different?

Sgt. Steve Brick: Uh – a little different. I’ve brought someone along to, uh, show you that today’s Army is not afraid to change. [ stands, walks over to a gay recruit, standing straight ] This is Cpl. Peter Thomas. [ leans into his face and yells: ] Thomas, are you a homosexual?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Yes, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: You ever have any heterosexual thoughts?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: No, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: You ever read an issue of PLAYBOY?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: No, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: What was that picture of BO DEREK doing in your locker, Soldier?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: That was NOT my locker, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: Whose picture DO you have in your locker?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Cary Grant, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: Who else?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Just Grant, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: [ to Tom ] Obviously, this man is a homosexual. The next thing we like to teach them is: restraint! [ turns back to Cpl. Peter Thomas ] You’re a homosexual?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Yes, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: Can you restrain those tendancies?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Yes, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: Are you sure?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Yes, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: [ with eyes popping out of his head ] Would you-ou-ou like to kiss me-e-e-e?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: No, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: You mean to tell me you wouldn’t want to plant your lips on mi-ine?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: No, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: You wouldn’t want to ram your tongue down my throat, Soldier?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: No, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: [ turns back toward Tom ] This! Is a trained soldier!

Tom Morris: Well, tell me – how can a soldier – it’s remarkable – how can one soldier tell when another soldier is homosexual?

Sgt. Steve Brick: Uh – that’s really quite easy. Say I’ve pulled guard duty, and I come across Cpl. Thomas here. [ turns back to Cpl. Peter Thomas ] Halt! Soldier! Who goes there!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Cpl. Peter Thomas, Homo Number 4-5-6-7-8-9-6-2!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: What was Judy Garland’s first movie?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: “Pigskin Parade”! SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: The Mayor of San Francisco?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Dianne Feinstein! SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: How many of the Village People are really GAY?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: TWO!! The others are imposters! SIR!!

Tom Morris: Well, that is amazing! Now – the so-called Gay Brigade, where are they stationed?

Sgt. Steve Brick: Fort Dix. [ the audience laughs in spite of themselves ] I – I’d, uh – I’d like to show you right now, Mr. Morris, how a homosexual soldier marches

Tom Morris: Good.

Sgt. Steve Brick: [ to Cpl. Peter Thomas: ] Thomas! March ti-i-ime!!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: [ softly, as he marches in place ] Hut! Two, three —

Sgt. Steve Brick: I can’t HEAR you!!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: [ louder ] Hut! Two, three —

Sgt. Steve Brick: SING it for me, Soldier!!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: [ singing loud ] “I’m in the Army, and I’m gay!”

Sgt. Steve Brick: Left! Right! Left! Right!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: “That don’t mean I swish and sway!”

Sgt. Steve Brick: Left! Right! Left! Right!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: “I won’t go down on anyone!”

Sgt. Steve Brick: Left! Right! Left! Right!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: “Uncle Sam is the only one!”

Sgt. Steve Brick: Left! Right! Left! Right!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: [ marches off ] “I’m in the Army, and I’m gay –!”

[ Sgt. Brick returns to his seat ]

Tom Morris: Well, thank you, Sgt. Brick. [ to the audience ] We’ll see you next week on — good night!

[ dissolve back to title card ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: Goodnights


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1



80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

Goodnights

…..Elliot Gould

Elliot Gould: Well, the – the network, uh, had asked me to, uh – to extend their invitation to the President-Elect, his family, and all of you out there to eat as much Creole and Coconuts as you can. And, uh — [ turns to each cast member ] this is Gail.. and that’s Denny, and Ann.. and.. this is Gil, and Joe, and, uh.. [ Charles Rocket raises his hand ] Charles. And uh.. we’re gonna be around forever, so I hope we can.. keep on coming back.

[ end theme music plays, credits roll, the cast wraps a hula hoop around Elliot Gould ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: A Public Service Announcement: Highway Education


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1






80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

A Public Service Announcement: Highway Education

[ SUPER: “A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT” ] [ shows Father getting into his car, with his family inside ]

Father: Okay now, what does everybody want to read today?

Daughter: Peter Pan!

Son: Huckleberry Finn!

Mother: How about the Swiss Family Robinson?

Father: Yeah, I think the kids will get a kick out of that. [ drives off ]

Announcer: The Andersons are about to take a leisurely Sunday afternoon drive. And read a classic novel at the same time. [ The family drives off, passing a sign that says “Swiss Family Robinson Ave.” ]

Thanks to a combined effort of the Department of Education and the Department of Highways,  The American public will be better educated and more entertained each and every time the travel on one of our fine roads.

[ They pass by signs that read, “SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON by Johnathan Swift”, “CHAPTER ONE”, “Shipwrecked…”, “And alone”, “For many days…”, etc. ] [ cut to Housewife driving; super: Housewife ]

Housewife: Oh I just love these mystery novels. You know, once I started Agatha Christie, I just can’t put her down!

Announcer: Highway education will even make bussing more acceptable, enabling students to study, even while in transit.

[ a school bus passes by signs that read, “Q: Who was the 14th American president?”,”A: Grover Cleveland” ] [ cut to Truck Driver by truck; super: Truck Driver ]

Truck Driver: Yeah, when I finish Sartre’s Being and Nothingness on my next drive, I’ll get my Master’s degree in Western philosophy.

[ cut to Book Critic in limo; super: Book Critic ]

Book Critic: Even though I find his storylines often intriguing, Kurt Vonnegut’s pacing is much too erotic.

[ cut to elderly couple driving around; super: Elderly Couple ]

Elderly Husband: You know, me and Evelyn decided that when we retired, we’d spend the rest of our days just driving around the country and catching up on our reading. Yeah, America sure is quite a library.

[ they drive by sign that reads, “…and so they lived happily ever after. The end.” ]

Announcer: This message has been brought to you by The Petroleum council. We’re trying to educate America.

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: Elliot Gould’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1




80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

Elliot Gould’s Monologue

…..Elliot Gould
…..Denny Dillon

Announcer V/O: Ladies and gentlemen – Elliot Gould!

[ dissolve to the new Home Base set – supposedly meant to capture “The Look of the eighties”, but really a replica of Grand Central Station. A single elevator car is centered between a winding staircase. The elevator descends its shaft, sans Gould, who appears running frantically down the staircase. Gould beats the elevator to the stage, waits a moment for it to finish its descent, then opens the doors and pretends as if he were stepping out of the elevator car, then waves tothe audience and takes his place at Home Base. ]

Elliot Gould: Uh – I really am happy to be here. You know, uh, I’ve always had a very special feeling about doing “Saturday Night Live.” This is kind of like home to me. Over the years, I have done a lot of crazy things on this show. I’ve dressed up like a girl, I’ve told jokes.. I’ve ung, I’ve danced.. I was a Bee. But, tonight – tonight, I would really like to take a serious moment and share something personal with you, because I really am moved to be he host of this, the first show of thenew season. So, I wanted to “open up” with something a little bit more meaningful.

[ runs back toward the elevator, where a large trunk stands on its side ]

You see – my mother has been, uh, collecting things — [ drags to trunk back to the front of the stage ] I’ve been in, uh — for all my life, for me. And, uh – I really wanted to share it.. with you.

[ opens the trunk, reaches in and pulls out an old cloth diaper – the audience awwwws ]

This – this was my very first diaper. [ turns it around ] And these are the original safety pins. They’re rusty now. [ looks toward an audience member ] I’d like to share this.. with you. [ hands the diaper to an audience member, then returns to digging in the trunk ] [ pulls out a tiny pair of boy’s underwear ] Oh! And this was my very first pair of real underwear! I remember when my folks gave them to me! I was so excited, I could hardly wait to put them on! [ looks toward another audience member ] I want to share this.. with you. [ hands the pair of boy’s underwear to this audience member, then returns to digging in the trunk ] [ pulls out a pair of extremely soiled boy’s underwear ] Now – this was a — [ audience cracks up ] a very important pair of shorts. Very — this was the pair I wore for a whole summer, before I learned that you have to change your underwear! [ takes a deep sniff of the underwear, rolls his eyes and shakes his head ] I’m not gonna share this with you!

[ pulls out a pair of boxer shorts ] And these are my first pair of boxer shorts. Now, I began wearing it when I learned just how dangerous jockey shorts can be. You see — it’s true. The male, uh.. appendange.. was meant – truly – to be cooler than the rest of you. jockey shorts hold you too close and – and keep you too warm. That can make you sterile. So, if you worry about sterility, the answer just might be.. your underwear. Let me show you what I mean! [ begins to unbuckle his pants and pull them down his legs, as Denny Dillon steps forward carrying a garment bag ]

Denny Dillon: Uh.. Elliot?

Elliot Gould: Denny!

Denny Dillon: Excuse me —

Elliot Gould: Denny! What are you doing here? This is my monologue.

Denny Dillon: Well, I-I know that, but I-I didn’t know there was somebody else who understood about underwear.

Elliot Gould: Oh? You do?

Denny Dillon: Yeaaah!

Elliot Gould: Well, tell me – what kind of underwear do you have?

Denny Dillon: Well — [ pulls out two pairs of silky panties ] I’ll give you these two —

Elliot Gould: Okay.

Denny Dillon: — for, uh – those boxer shorts — [ grabs for Gould’s boxer shorts ]

Elliot Gould: Well, no, no, no! You don’t know how valuable these boxer shorts are.

Denny Dillon: Yeah?

Elliot Gould: Yeah.

Denny Dillon: [ reaches into her garment bag ] More valuable than these? [ pulls out an older pair of women’s undergarments ]

Elliot Gould: Oh?

Denny Dillon: These are my grandmother’s bloomers!

Elliot Gould: Well, I’ll tell you what, Denny, I-I-I — [ begins digging in his trunk ]

Denny Dillon: I’ll give you two —

Elliot Gould: I can trade you — [ pulls out a second pair of boxer shorts ] a pair of Donald sutherland’s boxers.. [ digs smoe more, pulls out a bra ] Nick Nolte’s brassiere —

Denny Dillon: [ pulls out a leopard-print leotard ] I’ll — I have this

Elliot Gould: And, if you hand me that – that leotard would be very nice —

Denny Dillon: Yeah.

Elliot Gould: We’ll be right back.

[ Gould begins to excitedly dig through Denny’s garment bag, as the camera pulls back and fades ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: Speed Listening


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1



80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

Speed Listening

Spokeswoman…..Denny Dillon

[ open on snobbish woman sitting back in a leather chair as she speed-reads a book. After a few moments, she finally notices the camera upon her. ]

Spokeswoman: [ speaking in airs ] Hello! One of life’s greatest pleasure is relaxing with a good obok and some good music. [ glances at her watch ] But I’m a busy woman – I like to relax fast. I read my favorite books fast, and now, I listen to my favortie music, fast. I’ve learned to.. speed-listen! [ glances at a record player on the endtable next to her chair ] As a matter of fact, I’m going to relax with the haunting strings of Beetoven’s Fifth Symphony, in its entirety, right now – while you listen more about this revolutionary idea.

[ she turns on the record player and returns to quickly reading her book. The music flows from the record player at an equally fast rate. ]

Announcer: With speed-listening, you’ll soon be enjoying the great music of the ages, that you could never pay attention to before.

[ titles scroll up the screen:

Verdi’s “Rigoletto” (20 seconds)

Wagner’s “Ring of the Nibelungen” (35 seconds) ]

Announcer: And you can listen to popular tunes, too.

[ more titles scroll up the screen:

“You Light Up My Life” (1 second)

“Just the Way You Are” (1 second)

“Stairway to Heaven” (2 seconds) ]

Announcer: Call now, and you’ll also receive: this speed-listening album:

[ dissolve to close-up of album: “The World’s Great Music” ]

Announcer: “The World’s Great Music.” Which contains the complete works of: Bach, Brahms, Mozart, Handel, Manilow, and Stravinsky.

[ image pulls out to reveal a 45 wrapped in an open sleeve ]

Announcer: And this bonus: “American Top 40 Singles from 1950 to the present.”

[ dissolve back to Spokeswoman, as she finishes both her book and Beetoven’s Fifth at the same time ]

Spokeswoman: [ exhales joyously ] Isn’t that moving! Don’t put off listening to these classic masterpieces, because you think they’re too long! Hear them in half the time, with this half-assed way of listening to music! Speed-listening! Because — [ turns record player back on ] your relaxation time is precious.

[ another classical tune plays, as she begins sleed-reading her book once more ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live: 1980-1981

Season 6: 1980-1981

Starring:

Featuring:

 Episodes:

SummaryConsidered the worst period in SNL’s history, the 1980 season seemed doomed from the start. The last of the original cast (Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris, Laraine Newman and Gilda Radner, not to mention Bill Murray) had left “Saturday Night Live” along with producer Lorne Michaels, and NBC promoted talent co-ordinator Jean Doumanian to take over the show and hire a new cast. Though Doumanian’s comedy expertise was practically nonexistent, she did manage to bring an eclectic collection of musical guests to the show during her short stint as producer. The new cast, which included eventual stars Denny Dillon and Gilbert Gottfried, had the misfortune of being the first new cast since the original cast, a transition which has since become easier on future eras of SNL.

Joe Piscopo and Eddie Murphy became the quick standouts (Murphy, especially, who started as an extra, became a featured performer, then was promoted to full cast member – all during the course of a 13-episode season) in a seemingly awkward cast. Doumanian was fired and replaced by Dick Ebersol after the season’s 12th broadcast. But even then it was too late for most of the cast, as a writer’s strike took place after Ebersol’s first broadcast.

Charles Rocket – billed as the next Chevy Chase, especially behind the reins of Weekend Update – was fired for saying “fuck” on the air, and everyone except Murphy and Piscopo were released soon after as well. 1980 was the most awkward season in SNL’s history, but look closely, and you’ll find a few bright moments in a period of SNL that was weighed down by its own success.

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>




Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

November 15th, 1980

Elliot Gould

Kid Creole & The Coconuts

None

None
Elliot & Gail & Charles & Ann & Joe & Gilbert & DennySummary: In a scene reminiscent of “Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice”, Elliot Gould wakes up in bed with the new cast members, compares them to the original cast members, then answers their questions about SNL’s glory days.

Transcript

MontageNote: Elliot Gould was unaware that the original cast and crew had left SNL, and was surprised to find himself surrounded by all new faces when he entered Studio 8-H.

Elliot Gould’s MonologueSummary: Elliot Gould shows off his old underwear to the audience, then swap pieces with Denny Dillon.

Also Hosted: 75i, 75v, 76s, 78i, 79k.

Transcript

A Public Service Announcement: Highway EducationSummary: Highway billboards contain the text for classic novels, with new dialogue made available along each passing mile.

Transcript

Cheering Up JimmySummary: Rosalynn Carter (Ann Risley) convinces Jimmy (Joe Piscopo) that he should be glad he lost the election, because now they can have sex again.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter, Rosalynn Carter, Amy Carter.

Transcript

Singing Billy-GramSummary: A cohabitating couple (Elliot Gould, Ann Risley) receive a singing Billy-Gram (Charles Rocket).

Transcript

American Cancer SocietySummary: A topless Gail Matthius demonstrates how women can self-examine themselves for breast cancer.

Bio: Though Gail Matthius (1953-) failed to make an impact during “SNL”‘s ill-fated sixth season, she would find more success off-screen as a voice actress for animated children’s shows like “Animaniacs” and “Tiny Toon Adventures.”

Transcript

What’s It All AboutSummary: Pinky (Denny Dillon) and Leo Waxman (Gilbert Gottfried) interview Elliot Gould.

Recurring Characters: Pinky Waxman, Leo Waxman.

“Foot Fetish”Summary: In a film by Randal Kleiser, a pair of shoes have sex on the beach.

Kid Creole & The Coconuts perform “Mister Softee”Bio: Kid Creole and the Coconuts are August Darnell and a glamorous trio of female backing vocalists that includes his wife Adriana Kaegi and vibraphone player Andy Hernandez (Coati Mundi). Their music incorporated many different styles of music, among them, Caribbean/Latin American salsa and disco.

Weekend Update with Charles RocketSummary: Gail Matthius tries to avoid telling John Anderson (Joe Piscopo) that he lost the election. In his first “Rocket Report”, Charles Rocket seeks gossip on the new album by John Lennon and Yoko Ono. In his new book, author Barry Grosscup (Gilbert Gottfried) makes the claim that Ronald Reagan is already dead.

Transcript

At One With…Summary: Sgt. Steve Brick (Joe Piscopo) drills Cpl. Peter Thomas (Charles Rocket) of the Gay Brigade.

Transcript

“Heart To Heart”Summary: In a film by Mitchell Kriegman, a man (Mitchell Kriegman) can’t seem to put his finger on what’s changed in his relationship, as different actresses portray his girlfriend.

SNL SportsSummary: Joe Piscopo delivers the play-by-play at the nose wrestling match between Scottie Bockman (Elliot Gould) and James Walker (Charles Rocket).

Vickie’s DateSummary: Vickie (Gail Matthius), the Valley girl teenager, has a dinner date with 40 year-old Mark Doyle (Elliott Gould).

Recurring Characters: Vickie.

Transcript

The Accordian KillerSummary: A detective (Gail Matthius) goes undercover to trap Chuck LeVinto (Charles Rocket), AKA The Accordion Killer.

Transcript

Kid Creole & The Coconuts perform “There But For The Grace of God Go I”

“Gidgette Goes To Hell”Summary: In a Suburban Lawns music video directed by Jonathan Demme, Gidgette is eaten by a shark while surfing in the ocean.

Speed ListeningSummary: Spokeswoman (Denny Dillon) doubly relaxes by speedreading a book and listening to classical music at an accelerated rate.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: The Accordian Killer


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1








80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

The Accordian Killer

Captain…..Elliott Gould
Detective…..Gilbert Gottfried
Susan…..Ann Risley
Chuck LeVinto…..Charles Rocket
Gail…..Gail Matthius

[ open on interior, police station, Captain’s office, as Detective enters ]

Detective: Bad news, sir. Another woman has been found slain on the Upper West Side.

Captain: [ snaps his finger ] That’s the sixth one this week! They find anything in the apartment?

Detective: Ah, just this sheet music. “Roll Out the Barrel”.

Captain: [ examining the sheet music ] That woman wasn’t just murdered — she was POLKAED to death!

Detective: You’re saying he’s — ?

Captain: Yes, I am! Only one person can be responsible for such a GHASTLY crime! Only ONE man could be so CRUEL, so VICIOUS, so SADISTIC! As long as he’s loose, no woman is safe. I’m talking about… [ he faces the camera for a quick zoom ] The Accordian Killer!

[ dissolve to interior, Susan’s apartment, as the title card superimposes on screen ] [ doorbell buzzes ] [ Susan rises to answer the door ]

Susan: Who is it?

Chuck LeVinto: It’s Chuck LeVinto! Your computer date!

[ Susan opens the door, as Chuck enters with flowers and a case ]

Susan: Oh, hi! [ she giggles ] I’m Susan. It’s nice to meet you.

Chuck LeVinto: [ holding out his flowers ] These are for you!

Susan: Ohhh…

Chuck LeVinto: It’s so rare to meet someone with the same interests as you.

Susan: [ she giggles ] I know what you mean! Come in.

[ they sit down next to one another on the couch ]

Susan: Boy, I’m really glad this computer put us together.

Chuck LeVinto: It really is amazing! ‘Cause, like… well… you like movies, a-and I like movies. Aaaand you like music, and I LOVE music! We were MADE for each other!

Susan: I hope so.

Chuck LeVinto: I-I-I do impressions! Do you want to hear one?

Susan: Sure.

Chuck LeVinto: This one’s my favorite — it’s my main guy, Lawrence Welk: “Tank you, tank you, tank you! That was Bobby and Cissum, with his musical tribute to World War Eye!”

[ she laughs pleasantly ]

Chuck LeVinto: A-and now it’s time for an accordian tune!

[ he unlocks his case and pulls out an accordian ]

Susan: [ worried ] No, no! No, please! Please put that away!

Chuck LeVinto: What’s the matter? Don’t you like the accordian?

Susan: Wait! Wait, I know who you are! I read about you in the papers! Please don’t hurt me! I’ll give you all my money! I promise I won’t tell anyone!

Chuck LeVinto: But the accordian… is a NICE instrument! [ maniacally stroking the accordian ] It’s a fine instrument! It’s a BAND by itself!

Susan: PLEASE!! NO, NO!! DON’T! PLEASE! NO!

Chuck LeVinto: Perhaps you’d like to hear “Lady of Spain”!

Susan: NO!!!

[ he begins to play the meddlesome tune ]

Susan: NO, NO!! PLEASE, DON’T!

[ she holds her ears, but still drops dead to the floor as Chuck smiles satisfactorily ] [ dissolve to Captain’s office, as he shakes his head while reading the murder report in the newspaper ]

Detective: Looks like The Accordian Killer has struck again.

Captain: [ thrusting the paper on his desk ] Poor girl didn’t have a chance!

Detective: How can we stop him?

Captain: We’ve got to set a TRAP! And I think we’ve got JUST the right person for that.

Detective: Who is he?

Captain: Not he — SHE!

[ dissolve to interior, Susan’s apartment, now occupied by Gail ] [ doorbell buzzes ] [ Gail rises to answer the door ]

Gail: Who is it?

Chuck LeVinto: It’s Chuck LeVinto! Your computer date!

[ Gail opens the door, as Chuck enters with flowers and a case ]

Gail: Hi! I’m Gail. Nice to meet you.

Chuck LeVinto: Hi! [ holding out his flowers ] These are for you!

Gail: Ohhh…

Chuck LeVinto: It’s so rare to meet someone with the same interests as you.

Gail: [ she smiles ] I know what you mean! Come on in.

Chuck LeVinto: Thanks!

[ they sit down next to one another on the couch ]

Chuck LeVinto: [ apprehensive ] You like movies… and I like movies. [ he opens his case ]

Gail: [ cutting him off ] You like music — I like music!

Chuck LeVinto: [ stumbling ] You know, I haven’t missed a single “Lawrence Welk Show”! Ever NEVER!

Gail: [ setting the trap ] I really like his music!

Chuck LeVinto: [ surprised ] You do? Maybe you’d like to hear a song on the accordian.

Gail: I’d love to!

Chuck LeVinto: D-do you have a special song?

Gail: Uh — “Lady of Spain”, of course!

Chuck LeVinto: “L-L-L-Lady of Spain”?!

[ he begins to play the meddlesome tune ] [ Gail covers her ears and shudders, then jumps up and points a gun at Chuck ]

Gail: Alright, that’s enough!! I’m with the police! Yuor playing days are over!

Chuck LeVinto: [ ignoring her ] You can’t make me stop!

Gail: Alright, I’m warning you!

[ Chuck inores her and continues playing the accordian ]

Gail: OKAY, GUYS!!! GET HIM!!!

[ suddenly, a trio of bagpipe players saunter into the apartment playing their noisy tune ]

Chuck LeVinto: [ crying, as he continues to play the accordian ] NO!!! NOT THAT MUSIC!! PLEASE!! MAKE IT STOP!!! NOOOOOO!!!!

[ Chuck drops his accordian and topples dead over the ottoman ] [ the bagpipe players cease their playing, as the Captain rushes in ]

Captain: Are you alright?

Gail: Fine.

Captain: I’m sorry we had to do it this way. But maybe this will convince people once and for all… that EVERY accordian is a lethal weapon! [ to the bagpipe players ] Take care of it, guys!

[ Gail and the Captain exit the apartment, as the bagpipe players begin to attack Chuck’s accordian with their hatchets ] [ pull out to wideshot, with SUPER: “There’s no abyssness like show abyssness.” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts