[ open on Mike and Tim eating dinner at the table ]
Mike: Oh — I’ve had enough, I’m stuffed! That was the BEST scrambled eggs I’ve ever had, Tim. That was good.
Tim: The secret is to throw in a little minced onion.
Mike: Yeah? Well, I wish Louise could cook eggs like this, I’ll tell ya’.
Tim: By the way, how is Louise?
[ soap opera music flourishes ]
Mike: Louise? She’s, uh — she’s fine. Why? I just took her to a movie last night. We went to see “Cannibal Women”. Have you seen that? Real boring.
Tim: What about your dance committee?
[ soap opera music flourishes ]
Mike: What about the dance committee?
Tim: Madge told me she had to help Louise last night with some dance committee problems.
Mike: No, no. There’s no problem with the dance committee.
Tim: Madge said she had to go over to your HOUSE, to help Louise with some problems with the DANCE committee!
Mike: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah… the dance committee. Look, uh — I’ll tell you, uh — I went to bed early, so she must have come in after I went to bed, Tim…
Tim: [ standing ] DAMMIT, Mike! [ music sting ] Don’t cover for her! Don’t you start lying to me, too, okay?! You expect your best friend to tell you the truth!
Mike: Look, Tim. I mean, how was I supposed to —
[ the music flourishes as Madge, a monkey, enters the kitchen and climbs on the table ]
Mike: Morning, Madge. You’re looking, uh — you’re looking well. I was just telling Tim you were — Louise and I are joining a health club next week. Maybe you’d like to join us, or… maybe you wouldn’t.
[ Tim kisses Madge on the cheek ]
Mike: Well, look, Tim, I gotta get running, okay? I can’t hang around. Madge, it was nice seeing you again, take care. Uh, I gotta run. I’ll see you later.
[ Mike exits the house, as Madge pells a banana and drops the peel on the floor ]
Tim: Weren’t you the least bit surprised to see Mike Short here this morning? [ music sting ] No? Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?
[ Madge ignores Tim and peels another banana ]
Tim: Why is it, that whenever I confront you with ANYTHING like this, you say nothing? Look, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to control your life, I… I just want to know what you were doing until four in the morning. That’s right, I was awake when you came in last night. I heard you stumbling around downstairs. You, of all people, stumbling. Were you drunk? Were you high on some sort of drug?
[ Madge grabs the lid of a sugar bowl and begins to sniff it ]
Tim: Madge — [ cracking up ] Madge, don’t you see what I’m trying to DO here?! I’m trying to save our MARRIAGE! I’m trying to save our FAMILY!
[ suddenly, crying is heard offscreen ] [ soap opera music flourishes ]
Tim: Maggie’s awake.
[ Tim exits the kitchen ] [ he re-enters with a baby monkey who’s desperately trying to hold onto the stagehand behind the setpiece, to the point of yanking both of them back behind the setpiece ] [ Tim returns to the table alone, as the baby monkey screeches off-camera ] [ cut back to catch the stagehand pushing the baby monkey back onto the set ] [ Tim picks up the baby monkey, as the audience erupts into thunderous applause ]
Tim: Now you’re trying to turn our child against me! [ he puts the baby monkey on the floor, then turns to Madge ] Look at you! Look at the bags under your eyes! Madge, when is this nightmare going to end? And what about your mother? If this marriage were to break up, it would kill her. It’s the same thing… every morning, you’re too tired because you’ve been out half the night. What have you been telling her?
[ the phone rings ]
Tim: Of course, I’ll have to get it, right?
[ Tim answers the phone to a monkey screeching on the line ]
Tim: Hello? Hello? Who is this? Hello? Hello!
[ the monkey on the line hangs up ] [ Madge purses her lips ]
Tim: He hung up! Madge, he hung up! Who was that man?! [ dramatic soap opera music soars ] Madge! I… can’t take this any more! [ crying ] Who was that man?! Is there somebody else?
Announcer: Tune in next week, for the continuing saga… “I Married a Monkey”.
Richard … Bill Murray Marilyn … Ann Risley Ron … Matthew Laurance
[Richard and Marilyn rush up breathlessly to the doorof their friend Ron’s apartment.]
Marilyn: You were driving like a maniac. What,are we late?
Richard: No. We made it. Barely. I – I justdon’t like to keep people waiting.
Marilyn: All right, all right.
Richard: Okay. [Marilyn starts to ring thedoorbell] Wait! Honey! What is Ron’s cat’s name? [shecan’t remember – neither can he – they are instantlystressed out] Oh. The cat? The cat’s name?
Marilyn: [thinking] Ohhhhh. Ahhhh.
Richard: Oh, no. Gee.
Richard: Oh, I can’t believe it. I can’tbelieve I can’t remember the cat’s name.
Marilyn: The cat. The cat. It sent us that, uh,crossword puzzle book for Christmas.
Richard: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, the cat. I mean, Ican’t believe it. What’s the cat’s name? Wait. Thename – the name was on the Christmas card. Wait asecond. [remembering] “Happy Santa Claus Day from Ron… and …”
[But they draw a blank, continuing to moan and sighand contort their faces. As they struggle, breathingheavily, the apartment door opens and Ron appearscarrying his fluffy white cat.]
Ron: I thought I heard you two outhere!
Richard: [embarrassed] Hello, Ron.
Marilyn: [chuckles self-consciously]
Ron: [off the cat] I got somebody who wants tosay hello to you.
Ron: Come on in, come on in, come onin.
[Richard and Marilyn enter the apartment as Ronmentions their names (for the benefit of the cat?).Ron, a pleasant host, barely notices his guests’severe discomfort and numerous exchanged glancesthroughout the sketch.]
Ron: Marilyn. Dick.
[The couple sits on the sofa. Ron leans over betweenthem holding the cat.]
Richard: [jovially, off the cat] Hey, lookwho’s here.
Richard: [jokingly] Gee, I don’t recognize thatcat.
Ron: [amused] No?
Richard: Who IS that cat?
Ron: [laughs, to Marilyn, off Richard] What akidder this guy is!
Richard: I don’t think I recall thatcat.
Marilyn: [playing along] Uh uh! Neither doI!
Richard: [takes cat from Ron] Hey, somebody’sgot a little bit bigger here.
Marilyn: Oh, yeah.
Richard: [inspecting the cat’s genitalia todetermine its gender] This, uh, this cat looks like,uh, she’s about ready to have kittens – or be thefather of kittens or something.
Ron: Nah, nah.
Richard: Can’t tell.
Ron: Nah, I’m just, uh, I’m feeding her moresteak and hamburger. You know.
Richard: Oh, she’s eatin’ steak? She didn’talways eat steak.
Ron: No, no, she didn’t.
Richard: When you – When you first started withher, you used to feed her–
Ron: Yeah? [takes back the cat] Come here, comeon.
Richard: What was it you used to say to her?You had something that you said and– Oh, ‘memberthat? What you used to say to her when you fedher?
Ron: I can’t believe you remember that.
Richard: Yeah, oh, yeah.
Marilyn: Yeah, yeah.
Ron: I can’t believe it.
Ron: I used to say …
Ron: [playfully, to the cat] “What do YOU wantfor DINNER?!”
[Marilyn forces a laugh, Richard looks downcast, rollshis eyes.]
Ron: That right?
Marilyn: Yeah. Do you still have those kittydishes you used to have?
Richard: [with gusto] With the name onit!
Ron: Yeah. Sure. I got her new ones,though.
Marilyn: Oh, new ones?!
Richard: Oh, you did? New ones? [excited] Canwe see ’em?!
Marilyn: Uh, in the kitchen, right?
Richard: Great! Let’s go in there!
[Richard and Marilyn bolt off the sofa and rush forthe kitchen but Ron intercepts them.]
Ron: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.Don’t go in there. Don’t go in there. I’m preparingsomething very special for dinner, I don’t want you tosee. Back up. Back up.
[Richard and Marilyn reluctantly return to the sofaand sit.]
Marilyn: Oh, oh. It’s a surprise.
Ron: That’s it. I’m gonna go get the drinks.Okay? [hands Marilyn the cat as she and Richard nodand chuckle nervously] Okay, stingers, right?
Marilyn: All right. Right.
[Ron exits, leaving Richard and Marilyn with the cat.They are extremely distressed as they wrack theirbrains.]
Richard: Okay, all right, it’s a name. I thinkit’s a human name. Uhhhh, uhhhh.
Marilyn: It’s on the DAMN DISH in thekitchen!
Richard: Ah, it’s a name. It’s the name of acartoon or a movie or something like that. [takes thecat, talks to it] Popeye?
Marilyn: No, no.
Richard: Popeye? Popeye?
Richard: Damien?! Damien?!
Marilyn: No. No, no.
Marilyn: No, no. Ah, Lolita!
Richard: It’ll come to us. It’ll come to us.
Marilyn: I’m going crazy. I can’t even thinkstraight.
[Ron returns with a tray of vodka stingers.]
Marilyn: [trying to summon enthusiasm] Allright!
Richard: Those look great.
Richard: Oh ho, those look good. Go forit.
[Richard and Marilyn down their drinks instantly.]
Ron: [to the cat] None for you.
[Richard and Marilyn hand their empty glasses back toRon to get rid of him.]
Richard: Could I have another, please?
Marilyn: Yeah. Me, too.
Ron: [startled] Yeah. Sure. Sure.
[Richard and Marilyn chuckle nervously as Ronexits.]
Marilyn: I hate that cat.
Richard: My eyes are watering likecrazy!
[Richard and Marilyn pull fur off theirclothes.]
Marilyn: Look at my dress — it’s my favoritedress!
Richard: Your dress? [off the fur] Look atthis! Look at this! Look at this!
Marilyn: When we came in–
Richard: We’re gonna have to burn theseclothes. We’re gonna smell like cat urine andeverything else.
Marilyn: When we came in the door, did yousmell that? I mean, it almost knocked me over! Doesn’the ever change the litter box? It’s like a zoo inhere.
Richard: How old is this cat? Isn’t it gonnadie soon?
Marilyn: I don’t–
[Ron returns without the stingers.]
Ron: [explains, pleasantly] We’re gonna have togo get some more creme de menthe!
Marilyn: I love this kitty.
Ron: [picks up the cat] Come here,baby.
Richard: [sudden inspiration, to Ron] CAN I USEYOUR PHONE?!
Ron: Yeah. Sure.
Richard: Thank you!
Ron: Go ahead, Rich.
[Richard leaps up, runs to phone in background, anddials a number as Marilyn tries to get Ron out of theroom. She picks up Ron’s unfinished stinger.]
Marilyn: Uh, could I – could I have an olive inthis?
Ron: An olive? In – in a vodka stinger?
[Ron laughs and hands Marilyn the cat as he takes thestinger from her.]
Marilyn: It’s great.
Ron: Okay. [rises, heads for thekitchen]
Marilyn: It’s the best, it really is.
Ron: Ohhh, we’re havin’ some time, huh?
Marilyn: Yeah, havin’ some time.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Jill!It’s Richard. [checks to see that Ron is gone] What’sRon’s cat’s name? No, no, no. That’s his – that’s hisex-wife. What is his cat’s name? Yeah, it’s a movie orsomething like that.
Marilyn: Call Andrea.
Richard: [into the phone] Would Andrea know?I’ll try her.
[Richard hangs up as Ron returns with the stinger forMarilyn.]
Richard: [intense, to Ron] MAY I MAKE ANOTHERPHONE CALL?!
Ron: [to Richard] Yeah, sure. Noproblem.
[Richard instantly picks up and dials as Ron handsMarilyn the drink.]
Marilyn: [to Ron] Thanks. [sips drink]
Marilyn: [to Ron, off the drink] Oh, it’s greatnow.
Ron: [picks up the cat] Come here. Come here.Come back here.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Andrea?It’s Richard. I’m here with Ron. And his cat.
Ron: [to Marilyn] You wanna see somethin’great?
Marilyn: [to Ron] Yeah.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Hiscat. You know, the white cat.
Ron: [to Marilyn] If you say this cat’s name,she’ll smile at you.
Marilyn: [to Ron] Nooooo. Noooooo.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Youknow, you know, the cat that smiles when you say itsname, Andrea.
Ron: [to Marilyn] Yeah! Yeah! I swear.
Marilyn: [to Ron] Go on, say it!
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice]Andrea…
Ron: [to Marilyn] No, no, no, no. I want YOU tosay it.
Marilyn: [to Ron] Nooooo, nooo, nooo.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Thewhite cat. Ron’s white cat that’s all over thehouse.
Ron: Go on. Go ahead and say it.
Marilyn: [to Ron] I don’t believe she can dothat.
Ron: [to Marilyn] She can do it. She can doit.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice]Andrea… [completely loses it, to the astonishment ofRon and Marilyn] What is the DAMN CAT’S NAME?! WHAT ISIT?! WHAT IS THE CAT’S NAME?! WHAT IS RON’S CAT’SNAME?! THE CAT THAT SMILES WHEN YOU SAY ITSNAME?! … BECAUSE I WANT IT TO SMILE,THAT’S WHY!!!! WHAT’S THE DAMN CAT’S NAME?![beat] THANK YOU!! [hangs up, suddenly affectionateand friendly, to the cat] Hello, Herman!
[Ron and Marilyn exchange happy glances and look atthe cat. Richard has apparently made Hermansmile.]
Ron: [to Richard] You did it!
Richard: [points to Herman] He smiled! He’ssmiling!
[Dissolve to a wider view of the set with cameras,mikes and the applauding crowd visible. A superimposedtext reads: Coming Up: JEAN HARRIS SHOOTING DR.J.]
[ open on exterior, Studio 8-H, as Chevy Chase enters the hallway to thunderous audience applause ] [ Chevy approaches a Storeroom closet, looks around, then opens the door ] [ as he does, Denny Dillon suddenly exits ]
Chevy Chase: What, uh — what happened to my dressing room?
Denny Dillon: Well, uh, Chevy, you see… NBC had to tighten their belts a little — you know, cut back on budget — so we all dress in there now.
Chevy Chase: Oh, yeah?
Denny Dillon: Turn off the light when you leave, okay?
Chevy Chase: Okay.
[ Denny walks away, the elongated feather in her hat tickling its way across Chevy’s nose, prompting him to sneeze into his hand helplessly ] [ Chevy enters the storeroom to find 70’s-era SNL props and costumes ]
Chevy Chase: Oh, wow… [ he touches various props ] Coneheads… [ he spots his Land Shark head, covered in cobwebs ] Ah! [ he sticks his hand through the head and mumbles ] “Mrs….?”
[ suddenly, the sound of Mr. Bill mumbling in a trash heap can be heard, so Chevy digs him out of the pile of cobwebbed beer cans ]
Mr. Bill: Oh, boy! Chevy! Thanks a lot for taking me out of there! I didn’t think anyone would EVER find me!
Chevy Chase: Oh, Mr. Bill… what — what happened to you?
Mr. Bill: Oh, well, gee! We had a big party at the end of last season, and, oh, I guess I drank too much and I must have passed out!
Chevy Chase: Oh…
Mr. Bill: And when I came to, I was trapped in here and couldn’t get out!
Chevy Chase: Oh, you poor little fellow! Well, gee, everybody’s been wondering what the heck you’ve been doing!
Mr. Bill: That’s right! I was supposed to do a whole lot of important things before I got trapped in here. Boy, I bet Benjy is real mad at me — I was supposed to co-star with him in a movie! I sure hope they got a decent replacement.
Chevy Chase: [ stung ] Uh — it’s a SILLY idea anyway, Mr. Bill! [ he peels Mr. Bill’s nose off and tosses it over his shoulder ] I’m sure it wasn’t important
Mr. Bill: So, uh, Chevy, uh — am I late for the new season?
Chevy Chase: Well… yeah, you’re a little late, but they all are! [ he grabs Mr. Bill ] Gee, Mr. Bill…
Mr. Bill: Be careful.
Chevy Chase: I get this feeling they just don’t have the time for old-timers like us any more. The fans just don’t care that much.
Mr. Bill: Oh, now come on, Chevy! Don’t feel that way. Hey, look — we can make a comeback, huh? Hey, you know, they were even talking to me about anchoring “Weekend Update”! Say! Maybe you can do those funny faces behind me like you used to, huh? Hey, that’d be funny!
Chevy Chase: [ poking Mr. Bill roughly in the belly ] That’s a FUNNY idea! Ha ha ha ha! [ he tweaks Mr. Bill’s face viciously ]
Mr. Bill: Hey, wait! Hey, hey! Watch that! Hey, Chevy, come on!
Chevy Chase: I’ll tell you something, Mr. Bill — I don’t think they really care about slapstick any more. Hey, by the way — [ he begins to hammer Mr. Bill against his palm, the clay man’s head flying ]
Mr. Bill: Hey! Hey, wait! Hey, uh… Chevy… I’m down on the floor. Could you help me?
Chevy Chase: [ looking around ] Oh. Sorry, Mr. Bill. [ he picks up his clay head ] I almost lost you for a second!
Mr. Bill: Listen, Chevy, um — um —
Chevy Chase: You must be exhausted.
[ Chevy attempts to put Mr. Bill’s nose back, dislodging his head in the process ]
Mr. Bill: Listen, have you seen my dog, Spot, lately? I sent him for help last year!
Chevy Chase: Spot? I — I’ll look around.
[ Chevy takes a step back, as we hear a muffled dog bark ]
Chevy Chase: Whoa-oh!
Mr. Bill: Hey, what?! What was that Spot?
Chevy Chase: I don’t know. I stepped on something?
[ Chevy turns his shoe over to reveal a flattened Spot ]
Mr. Bill: Oh, noooo!!
Chevy Chase: Oh!
Mr. Bill: Hey, Chevy! You ought to be more careful where you step!
Chevy Chase: [ hopping around ] I — I can get him off! Don’t you worry about a thing.
[ Chevy grabs the Samurai sword to scrape Spot off his shoe ]
Mr. Bill: Hey, you watch that sword, Chevy!
Chevy Chase: I’ll just get him off, don’t worry.
Mr. Bill: No, no, watch out! Leave him alone!
Chevy Chase: [ losing his balance ] Tell you what, you relax here —
Mr. Bill: Hey, watch out, be careful!
Chevy Chase: I’m not gonna step on him again!
[ Chevy grabs a clothes rack and topples over backwards ]
Mr. Bill: Oh, nooooo!!! Ohhhhh!!!
[ crumpled amidst all the props, Chevy glances at the camera and shouts ]
Chevy Chase: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[ open on title card, as routine florist activity takes place in the background — florists wrap flowers in paper, carry pots in from the back room, etc. ] [ meanwhile, a Customer window-gazes outside in the snow before deciding to come inside ]
Florist: Good morning. What can we do for you?
Customer: I’m looking for something, uh, special.
Florist: Something special? Uh, what — like a mink coat? Something like that, or have you considered flowers this morning?
Customer: Something, uh — something unusual, perhaps. Uh, out of the ordinary. Not your run of the mill.
Florist: Well, we’ve got some Washington State daffodils this morning. These are very fresh, picked them off myself.
Customer: Mmm-hmm, no.
Florist: California iris.
Florist: California tiger lilies?
Florist: I got — what do you want, spiders? I got glads. I got carnations. Miniature carnations.
Customer: No, I’m looking for something more unusual.
Customer: Mmm-hmm. Could you show me something?
Florist: Sure. What, are you going to a funeral or something? You’re kind of sad this morning. You’re depressing me!
Customer: No, no. I just want something kind of special, kind of unusual, something less pedestrian.
Florist: Less pedestrian? You come in off the street, you don’t want something pedestrian, huh? [ he chuckles ] Okay, come on. How about a bird of paradise? You know a bird of paradise?
Customer: Well, let’s see.
[ the Florist holds up the flower ]
Florist: Bird of paradise. This isn’t unusual enough for you?
[ the Customer sniffs the flower ]
Florist: [ he chuckles ] Alright. Well, I’m sorry, we’re gonna have to put you to bed. [ he holds up another flower ] White Pinocchios.
Customer: No, no. I’m looking for something a little more, uh… exotic.
Florist: [ thinking ] Exotic?
[ cut to the two men in another part of the shop ]
Florist: You don’t have any allergies, do you?
Florist: [ acknowledging a row of flowers ] These are irises. I suppose you wouldn’t like any of this kind of stuff.
Florist: Heathers. This is pretty. Some people think it’s pretty.
Florist: These are nice glads. They’re fresh. I took ’em off myself.
Florist: Here — these are freshia. Try these. Get a whiff of these, get in there.
Customer: [ sniffing ] Mmm-hmm.
Florist: Ah, good? Now, try the yellow ones — those are really good!
Customer: I don’t — I don’t think —
Florist: Alright, over here. Try these mums. These are fragrant, these are really fragrant.
[ cut to the Florist walking to the Customer to a door in the back ]
Florist: Alright. This should be it.
[ the Florist disappears through the door, then re-emerges moments later with a bouquet ]
Florist: These are African daisies.
Customer: [ impressed ] Ohhhh… it’s beautiful! This is EXACTLY what I want!
Florist: [ picking a long stem ] Alright. How many would you like?
Customer: Just the one.
Florist: [ miffed ] Alright. Give me five bucks.
[ the Customer hands over the money ]
Florist: Okay, you want me to wrap it?
Customer: No, I’ll eat it here.
[ the Customer salts the petals, then shoves the flower into his mouth ]
[ the customer hands his salt shaker to the Florist and walks away ] [ confused, the Florist sniffs the petals of one of the petals and takes a bite of his own; he tries it with the salt, and continues eating as the credits roll ]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Miss Irene Cara!
[ Irene runs out and stands between the male dancers ]
Irene Cara: [ singing ]“Baby, look at me The girl who’s on TV Sing the same song every time Now you must know every rhyme by heart!
Grammys, Oscars, too I do Captain Kangaroo But you’re in good company If you’re bored, think of me!
It’s always the sa-ame! (Same!) I sing the same some forever! Next time, I may sing “Mame”! (Mame!) Suffer the least rejection And not have to wear these pants! (Pants!) I keep getting yeast infections This song has been always the same! (Same! Same! Same! Same! Same! Same! Same! Same!)
At the Golden Globes They ran short on stuff Oh no, that was really nice ‘Cause they made me sing it twice in a row!
Diana Ross, for sure Did not start out this way All the kids at 21 Get to go out and have fun!
But me, it’s the same! (Same!) I sing this song forever Just like some sci-fi film! (Shoo!) I play this lead on “Love Boat” I play bits without malice! (Same!) I sing this song, the nation Switches channels to “Dallas” (Dallas!) I wonder where all the fun went Let me tell you, just goes redundant! (Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant!)
Remember my name! I wish I was Marie Osmond I think I’m going to flip! (Wow!) I could now sing “Aida” Get to wear clothes that unzip! (Wow!) I could not live forever Constantly bearing the shame! (Shame!) Of being the only human Who always sings exactly the same!
Exactly the same! (Same!)”
[ Irene and her back-up dancers stop, with their arms in the air ] [ after a moment, the music kicks up again, and Irene and her back-up dancers hop off the stage and shimmy down the outer hall of Studio 8-H ] [ fade ]
Bill Murray: Next week, the host will be RobertGuillaume and he will have Ian Drury and theBlockheads with him.
Off screen voice: All right!
Bill Murray: That’s right. [self-consciously,into the camera] Uh, Danny, John, Gilda, Laraine,Garrett, Jane, [rolls his eyes trying to remember ifhe’s forgotten anyone] Gilda, Laraine — [seriously]I’m sorry for what I’ve done.
[The others laugh at this. Cheers and applause as Billsmiles wryly and waves. As the closing theme kicks inand the cast waves, Charles Rocket leans in and givesBill a big hug. Eventually, the cast crowds aroundBill who shakes Eddie Murphy’s hand warmly. The castgives Bill noogies. After a while, we pull back andpan over the applauding audience in Studio8H.]
(Open on a still of a hospital where we see the superimposed text “Coming This Fall on NBC” in its coporate font with the NBC peacock logo on the bottom left corner of the screen. Jazzy, commanding music plays in the background)
Announcer V/O: They’re tough. They’re dedicated. They’re professionals who take their jobs seriously. They’re the self-righteous.
(Fade in on the hospital’s interior where we see the title card superimposed on the screen. The nurse at the front desk is seen talking on the phone. The title fades out as she hangs it up and a policeman walks in.)
Police Officer: Okay, look. I got to talk to that gunshot victim in there just for a few seconds, okay? I mean, it could help us get that killer off the streets.
Nurse: Well, forget it. That man in there is seriously injured. I’m a nurse and a damn good one and it’s my job to save lives, not play Cops and Robbers.
Police Officer: Oh, yeah? Well, maybe if you cooperated, there’d be some more people out there that you wouldn’t have to patch up later. I’m a cop, damn it! It’s my job to protect them! (A reporter walks in holding a pencil and a note pad )
Reporter: Yeah, Daily Press. Iwas wondering if–
Police Officer: No comments on this case.
Reporter: Hey, I don’t know what you’re covering up in there, but those people out there have a right to know! I’m a reporter! It’s my duty to tell them! A doctor runs in)
Doctor: Hey, hey. This is a hospital. There are people dying in there. Now, I don’t know what’s going on out here, but I’m reponsible for their lives. So, shut up! (Takes off his surgical mask)
Nurse: [sarcastically] Oh-ho. Oh-ho! Well, maybe if you spent a little less time dealing with microbes and dealt with people like me, then maybe you’d understand them.
Doctor: Understanding people doesn’t save their lives.
Reporter: Hey, while you two are standing there talking, there are people in there dying and people out there waiting for the truth.
Police Officer: Oh, yeah? Why don’t you try walking a beat, huh? (The reporter scoffs as the gunshot victim walks in)
Gunshot Victim: Hey, wait a minute! Don’t I have a say here? After all, it’s my body! I’m a patient here. I’m a human being with human rights (turns to the doctor) and for one, I demand the right to die with dignity.
Doctor: You only have a flesh wound.
Gunshot Victim: And two, I have the right–
Doctor: Don’t bore us with that stuff. Listen–
Gunshot Victim: Hey, don’t point at me. My mother’s dead.
(Everyone starts arguing as the music starts playing again)
Announcer V/O: Five tediously self-absorbed people. The Self-Righteous. Coming this fall on NBC, proud as a peacock.
(Fade to a black background with the NBC peacock with the text NBC PROUD AS A PEACOCK below)
Mary Cunningham…..Gail Matthius Phil Beekman…..Charles Rocket Chairman of the Board…..Joe Piscopo Manuel…..Gilbert Gottfried
[ open on Mary Cunningham standing at podium ]
Mary Cunningham: Hello, I’m Mary Cunningham. Last October, I quit my job at Bendix because my boss held a press conference to announce that we were NOT sleeping together. Well, it was really awful. Now, this week, I finally got a new job, and my new corporation assures me that they will be a LOT more sensitive.
[ Seagram’s President Phil Beekman steps forward ]
Phil Beekman: That’s right. I’m the President of Seagram’s — Mary’s new company — and I sympathize with what Mary went through. So I just want to announce right here and now that I’m NOT sleeping with Ms. Cunningham. She is absolutely NOT my mistress, and I want to make it PERFECTLY Clear she’s absolutely not my sultry slave of love.
Mary Cunningham: But I’m NOT!!
Phil Beekman: That’s what I’m telling the people, Mary… [ to the audience ] Now, DON’T think that Mary and I have wild sex in the executive suite, in the boardroom, or on those so-called business trips, because, no kidding, we don’t! I’m not lying. And here’s someone else who Mary doesn’t service twenty-four hours a day, on call — our Chairman of the Board.
[ Chairman of the Board enters ]
Chairman of the Board: That’s right! Don’t ask me what Mary looks like under those, uh, conservative suits — I have no idea! Because I have NOT had my way with her. That’s why I wrote this article for the Wall Street Journal — [ he holds up the newspaper ] “I Don’t Have Sex With Mary Cunningham!”
Phil Beekman: See, Mary? Your nightmare of tawdry publicity is over. Hey, Jim! Come on out here. [ Executive enters ] This is Jim Deekman, our VP of Sales. Jim, do you sleep with Cunningham?
Phil Beekman: Attaboy! Well, Mary, I think this will seal your reputation!
Mary Cunningham: Yeah, I’m sure it will…
Phil Beekman: Manuel! Our favorite janitor here at Seagram’s! [ Manuel enters ] Tell us, honestly, have you gotten anything off of Mary?
Manuel: No! I have NEVER had Mary Cunningham as my passionate child-woman! The flower of my burning lust taken in rapture! No! No joke! Never! I think of her as another executive.
Phil Beekman: Thanks, Manuel! I’m sure we all do.
Manuel: I think she’s frigid…
Phil Beekman: Now, now, Manuel! Well, Mary, your professional reputation is restored. Who says we’re not sensitive? I mean, there’s enough male sensitivity right here to fill a whole week of “Donahue” shows, am I right? [ the men agree ] Alright! Now, if there’s anyone else out there who doesn’t sleep with Mary and wants to make a big announcement about it, send us a postcard! We’ll read it on the air. That address is:
[ SUPER ]
“No Sex With Mary 30 Rockefeller Plaza New York, N.Y.”
Okay? Alright, Mary? [ he grabs her shoulder, but she rebuffs him ] Uh-oh, I’m sorry! Okay, no touching! Alright.
[Gilbert enters and all the other cast members file inbehind him and take seats in the room. Bill rises togreet them.]
Denny Dillon: Hi, Bill.
Bill Murray: Come on in. Sit down, youknow.
[Bill sits on the dressing room sofa, surrounded bythe cast who sit all around him, glum and depressed.Long pause as Bill looks them over.]
Bill Murray: So, how’s it been goin’?
Eddie Murphy: Well, it ain’t exactly so easy,Bill. Everybody keeps comparing us to the oldcast.
Ann Risley: And the press hasn’t been overlykind.
Bill Murray: Yeah, I read that stuff: “SaturdayNight Live is Saturday Night Dead.”
Cast: [groans, winces, looks uncomfortable] Oh,come on.
Bill Murray: “From Yuks to Yecch.” [cast groansand wretches as if in pain] My favorite, though, is”Vile from New York.”
Cast: [groans] Please, Bill.
Bill Murray: [genuinely amused] It’s funny.It’s funny. [more sympathetic] But, uh, don’t letthat, uh, bother you, you know. It takes a long timeto get started. I mean, a whole new cast, all newwriters.
Cast: Yeah. Right.
Bill Murray: What do you expect, you know? Theratings are still fine, you know. Even if your ratingswent up higher than the old show, you know…
Bill Murray: … people would still say the oldshow was better, you know?
Cast: [nodding] Uh huh. That’s true, that’strue.
Bill Murray: Maybe it was. … But,uh…
Charles Rocket: [as the cast protests mildly]Come on, Bill.
Bill Murray: It doesn’t matter! I’m justsaying, you know– So what? What if the show getscanceled and you guys never get to do movies oranything like that?
Cast: Come on! Geez!
Denny Dillon: Don’t say that!
Bill Murray: You guys are good. I mean, youknow, Charlie, you’re very funny. I love those RocketReports.
Charles Rocket: You really mean that,Bill?
Bill Murray: [more in sorrow than in anger]People are tellin’ me you’re imitatin’ me, Charlie,though. I don’t like to hear that. … And, uh, watchyour mouth. Clean it up. … Okay? [Charles nods, Billturns to Gilbert] Who are you? What’s yourname?
Gilbert Gottfried: Uh, I – I’m Gilbert.
Bill Murray: Gilbert. Gilbert, cheer up for me,will ya, pal? [pats Gilbert’s shoulder and headsupportively] Huh? Come on. You’re a very lucky humanbeing. You’re very lucky, you know? Nobody walks up toyou on the street and says, “I hated 1941!” –do they? Well, all right. [to Denny] And, you — youlook very good when you comb your hair. It’s nice.Well, you do.
Denny Dillon: Bill, it’s supposed to be likethis!
Bill Murray: [nods, turns to Ann and Gail] Youknow, and, uh, you girls are terrific looking, you’regreat. You know, I still mix you up, I – I can’t tellyou apart, but it’s great, you know. It’s like, “Oh,it’s that other girl who’s very attractive” and soforth.
Ann Risley: [nods] Oh, yeah.
Bill Murray: And, uh, you know, Joe Piscopo,you’re great. [someone in the crowd agrees] You know,the whole sports thing. The monosyllabic hollering andstuff.
Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Bill.
Bill Murray: It’s inspired, you know, but, uh,are you – are you gonna definitely stick with “JoePiscopo” as your name?
Joe Piscopo: Uh … Well, I was born with it,Bill. You know, it’s my name.
Bill Murray: Wow. [beat] Well, whatever. …And, uh, you, Eddie. You’re black. … [Eddie juststares at him] And, uh, that’s beautiful, man. That’sbeautiful. You can do whatever you want. Matt and Pat,Yvonne, those guys are great. Look. Look. You guysneed help.
Charles Rocket: Yeah.
Bill Murray: You need a lot of help, really.But, hey — I saved the old cast, I can do it foryou. You know. … What do you think they werelike before I got here, man? Aykroyd — Dan Aykroydwas weak. I taught him a lot, man.
Cast: Really? Oh, really?
Bill Murray: Belushi was a shadow. Jane Curtinhad a serious drinking problem before I–
Bill Murray: The important thing now is to be”up.” You know, you gotta be “up.” ‘Cuz if you’re not”up,” I don’t look good tonight. You know? You know,the press, they can be terrible to you. [rises] But itdoesn’t matter, you know?
Bill Murray: The ratings deal? It just doesn’tmatter.
Cast: Yeah. Right.
All: It just doesn’t matter.
Bill Murray: Right!
All: It just doesn’t matter!
Bill Murray: That’s right! Confidence! Sure, Ihaven’t done this show in a year. Sure, I could go outthere and make a fool of myself. [cast protests, says,”No, no, no.”] Sure, I could completely bloweverything. I could completely blow everything…
Charles Rocket: I suppose.
Bill Murray: … and humiliate myself in frontof millions of people on TV.
Cast: Probably, yeah.
Bill Murray: [beat, swallows nervously] It’s avery real possibility. … [pause] I think I’m gonnabe sick. [staggers over to make-up table]
Cast: [rising, in concern] Oh, Bill.
Denny Dillon: Bill, are you okay? Bill, are youokay?
Bill Murray: No, I think I’m gonna be sick.Maybe a drink’ll help– [grabs a bottle of liquor offthe table, the cast gathers around him]
Gilbert Gottfried: Bill, take it easy. You’llbe okay.
Denny Dillon: This guy’s a basket case.
Joe Piscopo: Hey, look, look, we carried ElliotGould, we could carry Bill Murray. Noproblem-o.
[Bill takes a swig of liquor straight from the bottle.The cast pleads and protests.]
Joe Piscopo: It’s like he said, “It justdoesn’t matter!”
Gail Matthius: Hey, hey, Bill. It reallydoesn’t matter. Here, we’re gonna take care of ya,huh? It doesn’t matter!
[Quickly, the other cast members start repeating, “Itjust doesn’t matter!” with increasing energy andintensity until Bill joins in and they are allchanting loudly and hopping up and down in a hugegroup hug, like some kind of insane pep rallycheer.]
All: It just doesn’t matter! It just doesn’t matter! It just doesn’t matter! It just doesn’t matter! It just doesn’t matter! It just doesn’t matter! It just doesn’t matter!
Bill Murray: Let’s go get ’em!
[They all turn, waving clenched fists and pointingfingers, and yell enthusiastically into thecamera:]
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and Gentlemen — Bill Murray!
[Huge cheers and applause as Bill appears at home base via the elevator. He exits out of it and struts to the edge of the stage and does a kick jump and a dance to finish it off as the music ends.]
Bill Murray: [pointing to the band] How about that band?! Come on! Come on! More!
[After Bill gestures them, the band starts to play the theme music again as Bill jumps up and down while walking to the other side of the stage and hugs a support pole and jumps down below to the audience. He picks up a female audience member, drapes her over his head, and sets her back down on her chair. He jumps back onto the stage and continues dancing when Eddie Murphy shows up and cues the band to stop playing.]
Eddie Murphy: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What the hell is…
Bill Murray: Eddie Murphy! Let’s here it for him! [stamps his feet on the stage as Eddie briefly smiles to the audience]
Eddie Murphy: What the hell are you doing? You’re supposed to be doing your monologue out here. You almost dropped this woman on her head, Bill!
Bill Murray: Well, I guess I got a little excited, huh? Well, what are you doing out here? Asking me what I’m doing, anyway?
Eddie Murphy: Well, you’re suppposed to be doing your monologue. This ain’t a band number. Do your thing!
Bill Murray: Oh, come on, Eddie. You know what we talked about. It’s just doesn’t matter, you know. I could go out here and say “Gee, these kids are great, golly! They got so much energy, and I don’t even know what’s gonna happen next!” Eddie, it just doesn’t matter. The important thing is that we’re working together.
Eddie Murphy: Yeah.
Bill Murray: Yeah, and that we’re BAD!
Eddie Murphy: Yeah.
Bill Murray: You’re bad!
Eddie Murphy: I’m bad.
Bill Murray: I’M bad!
Eddie Murphy: We’re both bad.
Bill Murray: I mean, that previous Black-White act, you know — or, should I say, that Pryor act — you know, they thought they were bad, or Wild or Wilder, if you will. They’re not as widl or bad as the Murray-Murphy combo! ‘Cause we’re BAD!
Eddie Murphy: Right, we bad!
Bill Murray: That’s right! In fact, we’re BADDER!
Eddie Murphy: Right! You mean we MORE bad!
Bill Murray: We’re MORE bad! We are the WORST, my man! Give me five, come on!
[ Eddie low-fives Bill ]
Eddie Murphy: We’re TERRIBLE! Give me fifteen!
[ Eddie low-fives both hands and raises one foot ]
Bill Murray: We are NAUSEATING! Now, give me some of that long sole, my man!
[ Bill turns around, raises one foot and holds out his hand, which Eddie high-fives downward to Bill’s foot ]
Bill Murray: Come on! Gvie me the PINK side now! [ Bill holds out his hand ]
Eddie Murphy: We gonna have to work on that one!
Bill Murray: And we’re both Irish, too! That’s so great!
Eddie Murphy: Yeah.
Bill Murray: Yeah, Murray and Murphy, the Irish duo. An Irish Jig, let’s do it man. [Bill does a dance move]
Eddie Murphy: [rather offended and pointing at Bill] Now, that’s bad AND dangerous, so watch yourself.
Bill Murray: Come on, man, I’m only kidding. We’re a team. We’re just like salt and pepper. [slaps hands with Eddie]
Eddie Murphy: Pepper and salt!
Bill Murray: Come on! Paprika and cinnamon!
Eddie Murphy: Hartman, Oprah!
Bill Murray: Yeah, Belushi and Aykroyd. [slaps hands again]
Eddie Murphy: That’s bad!
Bill Murray: That’s bad! We’ll be right back, man!
Eddie Murphy: Yeah!
[Cheers and applause as Bill and Eddie continue to give each other high fives including a jumping one as the screen fades.]