Our top story tonight: Lady Diana Spencer just broke off her engagement to Prince Charles, because she discovered he was not a virgin.
Well, after three long months in court, Jean Harris was found guilty of murdering this man: Dr. Tarnauer. Apparently, she did it because she was in a jealous rage. Hard to beleive anybody could be jealous of this guy!
Well, anyway, Mrs. Harris contended she was trying to commit suicide. She probably thought she could get herself in the head by ricchoeting the bullets off his pajamas. That must have been it, yeah! That’s probably it!
Well, Washington, D.C. has been buzzing all week about Congressman John Jeanerette’s wife, Rita, who, as we all know, posed nude in this month’s Playboy. Now, look, I don’t know… what’s the big deal here? I mean, I saw the pictures, and… Rita: You were great! I thought you really looked really good! And if you really stop and think about it, it could have been worse. I mean, how would you like to look at a seven-page spread of Mrs. Tip O’Neill? I don’t know… [ he shakes his head ] That wouldn’t be good.
Charles Rocket: Well, it’s been a big week in sports, and here to tell us all about it is our own Joe Piscopo.
Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Charlie! Hello again, everybody! Joe Piscopo, live, Saturday Night Sports! The big story! Hockey! Violence! Penalties! Blood! Stitches! Gore City!
[ cut to two hockey players holding hockey sticks at one another ]
Joe Piscopo V/O: Solution? Softer sticks!
[ the players begin to attack one another with the rubber sticks ]
Joe Piscopo V/O: Violence! Plenty! Bloodshed! None!
[ return to Piscopo at the news desk ]
Joe Piscopo: Today, the stick! Tomorrow, the PUCK! Joe Piscopo, live, Saturday Night Sports!
Charles Rocket: Thank you, Joe. Did you say “puck”? Alright, well, once again —
[ the audience cheers ]
There’s another scandal that affects everyone who owns a television set. Oh, sure, I know many of you read about it in TV Guide — Cocaine is taking over Hollywood. Is that shocking, or what? The investigation is on, and everyone is scrambling. On the set of “Alice”, for example, they’ve taken all the spoons out of Mel’s Diner. At taping sessions, actors are understandably hesitant to call out: “Where are my lines?!” Well, it kind of makes you suspicious, doesn’t it? I mean, like, what did realy happen to Karl Malden, why did he get off the air? Well, when you think about it, his nose is so big he could have wiped out Hollywood all alone, you know what I mean?
Speaking of celebrities, Orson Welles and Shelley Winters are back at it again!
Charles Rocket: [ glancing off-camera ] For “Saturday Night Newsline”, I’m Charles Rocket. [ he turns to face the camera ] Ove here?
Bud Slim…..Neil Levy Nick Rivers…..Bill Murray …..Paul Shaffer Sid…..Eddie Murphy Mary Kay Lady #1…..Denny Dillon Mary Kay Lady #2…..Gail Matthius Marlene Cooper…..Yvonne Hudson
[ open on Bud Slim performing a card trick for a group of patrons on a riverboat ]
Bud Slim: So this guy says to me: “Hey, kid, come here! Let me see that deuce again.” I said, “Sure.” But the deuce had become… THREE aces. [ he holds up three aces ]
[ the crowd cheers, as Nick Rivers rushes out ]
Nick Rivers: Let’s hear it for him! Our own Bud Slim. Let’s hear it for him!
[ Bud Slim exits ]
Nick Rivers: [ singing ]“Ohhhh, sailing! Takes me awayyyyy to where I want to be…”
Oh, heck! I’m not gonna sing one of his songs, because the guy just walked out of town with all the Grammys! I’m talking about Chris Cross, of course. Hi! My name is Nick Rivers. I want to welcome you all to the Paddlewheel Lounge aboard the Riverboat Queen, and what a MAJESTIC lady she is as she plies the Mighty Mississippi. We’re awfully, awfully sorry about the engine trouble that developed upstream, and it’s too bad because we HAD hoped to be in New Orleans for Mardi Gras, but, unfortunately, we’re gonna be two-and-a-half days late. Well, sorry. No big deal! But, hey — I think that the Mardi Gras we had at the dock in Cincinnati was just as good, and I mean that. [ looking toward the crowd ] Hey, here’s our good buddy Sid now, with another round of juleps. How you doing, Brother Man?
Sid: Hey, what’s happening, Rick?
Nick Rivers: Hey, how about a fresh Scotch for me?
Sid: Oh, sorry, Rick. I checked it out, man, you gotta pay for your drinks.
Nick Rivers: [ he sighs ] Okay, well, thanks for trying anyway, okay? Appreciate it. Hey, everybody, take care of Sammy, because he’s had a tough life. You know, he’s a character…
[ singing ]“Who left a good job down in the city He pumped a lot of tank down in New Orleans But the dude never saw the good side of the city ‘Til he hitched a ride aboard the Riverboat Queen. Oh! Big wheel keep on turnin’ Oh, Proud Mary keep on burnin’ He be rollin’ He be rollin’! Said that dude be rollin’ on the river!”
[ the crowd applauds ]
Nick Rivers: You know, the South is known for its lovely, lovely, lovely ladies, and I know a couple of genuine Southern belles when I see them. [ he kneeles before two women at a table ] Tell us — where you all from?
Mary Kay Lady #1: Uh — Richton, Minnesota.
Nick Rivers: [ he chuckles ] Wild guess — you two… are SISTERS!
Mary Kay Lady #1: [ she chuckles ] Oh, no — actually, we’re, uh, southern Minnesota representatives for Mary Kay Cosmetics.
Mary Kay Lady #2: We just got back from a big meeting in Cincinnati, and we met Mary Kay herself — and I gotta tell you, she’s an inspiration!
Mary Kay Lady #1: After all thee years, she still has the face and figure of a teenager.
Nick Rivers: Her? What abot you two? [ the ladies gush ] Come on, hey! If anybody’s gonna score on this trip, it’s gonna be at this table, and you know it! You know, you ladies might be interested to know that tomorrow we stop at historic Vicksburg, the site of the famous Siege of 1863, or 4, or 5, or 61 or 62, one of those years — not really sure — when the grand ladies of the South, in order to survive, were forced to eat rat flesh. Wow. True story.
[ Sid re-enters the room ]
Nick Rivers: Uh, Sid — how about some of those teeny little weiners, for the girls at Mary Kay. Can we have that, please? Hey, what the heck — bring teeny weiners for everybody, okay? [ to the crowd ] Life is a party, huh?
[ singing ]“Now’s the time to come together It’s up to you, WHAT’S your pleasure? Everyone around the world, COME HOME! It’s a celebration! Come on, Pablo!”
[ Nick leans over Paul’s piano as they sing together ]
“Celebrate good times, COME HOME! Celebrate good times, COME HOME!”
Nick Rivers: [ singing ] “It’s a cel-e-braaaaaaa-tion!”
[ the crowd cheers ]
Nick Rivers: Yeah, thank you! You know, this has been a year for celebration. How about those… hostages coming home? Come on, applause! [ the crowd applauds ] You know, I got a little surprise for ya’. The Captain tells me that we have a very special guest onboard… and I would like you all to meet her: One of the original American hostages in Iran… Miss Marlene Cooper. [ grabbing Marlene’s hand ] Come on, stand up, would you please, Marlene? Stand up. [ she stands ] EVERYBODY, UP! EVERYBODY UP! EVERYBODY UP, DAMMIT!! COME ON!! [ the crowd stands and applauds ] Okay, everybody down. Everybody down! [ the crowd sits ] Thank you. Welcome home, Marlene.
Marlene Cooper: Thanks.
Nick Rivers: The Lord’s been good to you, huh? I guess it must be pretty sweet to be back in the U.S.A., huh?
Marlene Cooper: Well… I’ve been home for about a year now.
Nick Rivers: [ taken aback by this news ] Oh, I see. You’re one of the Black hostages they sent back early.
Marlene Cooper: Yes. Well, they only held us for about four weeks.
Nick Rivers: Oh, I’m sorry. That’s kind of a tough break — no parade, no yellow ribbon, no welcome home whatsoever. That must have been a pretty tough… experience for you. Well, let me see if I can try a little… [ he kisses her forehead ] rescue, something for you.
[ singing ]“There ain’t nothin’ I can do! Ain’t nothin’ I can say! I’m comin’ to your emotional rescue. Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh!”
Thank you, thank you! You know, I’ve played most of the towns on this here river. I’ve been up and down this river, played most of the towns, but, unfortunately, I can’t go back to most of them. But Nick Rivers isn’t going to be floating on this river forever. I’m hoping like any entertainer, to get that… [ he crosses his fingers ] big break, in that big town where it’s all happening.
[ singing ]“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!! If I can make it there I’m gonna make it Any-wherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeee!! It’s, up, to, yooooooouuu, Neeeeeeew Or-leans Neeeeewwwww Or-leeeeeeeeans!”
[ camera pulls up and pans into the audience, stopping at a man with SUPER: “Ato Crash Test Dummy” ]
[ fade ]
[ open on close-up of a diary, as the hands of Nancy Reagan open it ]
Nancy Reagan V/O: “Dear Diary… Everything’s going so well. I’m First-Lady, and every woman in America worships me.” Oh! [ she writes over her entry ] “Every human in America worships me. Only one thing mars my happiness: That scheming opportunist that married my Ron Jr. — Doria!” [ scribbling ferociously ] “DORIA! DORIA!! DORIA!!! If only things could be different…”
[ thunder strikes, as the image dissolves to the Lincoln Bedroom ]
[ Nancy opens the creaking door while holding a candleabra ]
Nancy Reagan: I wonder what’s taking my new daughter-in-law so long? It isn’t every night a girl gets to sleep in Lincoln’s bedroom.
Doria Reagan: Ow! Ow! It’s pitch black in this hall! Ow!
Nancy Reagan: Oh, I’m sorry, Doria! Take this! [ she throws the candleabra into the hall ]
[ Doria screams as she runs into the bedroom ]
Doria Reagan: Oh! I was almost burned!
Nancy Reagan: Thank God you’re all right — we could have had a nasty grease fire.
Doria Reagan: It was awfuly nice of you to invite me to spend the night, Mrs. Reagan. Especially since you referred to me in the papers as “That cheap piece of trash.”
Nancy Reagan: Ohhh, you know the press! Always “quoting” people! I mean… “misquoting” people.
Doria Reagan: Oh. [ she laughs ] But I thought you said Skip was meeting us here?
Nancy Reagan: Oh, he was just called away on an emergency pais-do-do.
Doria Reagan: Oh.
Nancy Reagan: But… he told me to take care of you, and that’s exactly what I intend to do.
[ thunder roars ]
Doria Reagan: I don’t know… it’s kind of creepy in here.
Nancy Reagan: Oh, don’t worry — I’m here. If you need me, just ring this. [ she holds up a bell ]
[ Nancy exits the bedroom, as thunder continues to rumble ]
[ Doria grabs the bell and attempts to ring it, but discovers there’s no tone inside ]
[ ominous laughter comes from the hall, so Doria frantically opens the door… only to discover Nancy standing outside the door ]
Nancy Reagan: Oh! [ she covers her mouth ] Sweet dreams! [ she laughs ominously once again, and shuts the door ]
[ Doria crosses the room and stands in front of a portrait of Abraham Lincoln, which suddenly reaches out and grabs her hair ]
Doria Reagan: Aiighhhh!!!! Somebody, help me!! Help me!!
[ Doria rushes across the room and thrusts the door open; Nancy enters ]
Nancy Reagan: What is it?
Doria Reagan: [ frantic ] Abraham Lincoln just tried to do my hair!!
Nancy Reagan: Doria, Doria… you’re imagining things. Abraham Lincoln wouldn’t TOUCH your hair!
Author…..Bill Murray Helen Stewart #1/Mrs. Lawnsdale/Maid…..Ann Risley Helen Stewart #2…..Denny Dillon Mr. Lawnsdale…..Charles Rocket Mr. Stewart…..Matthew Laurance
[ open on Author seated at typewriter on a darkened set ]
Author: [ reciting ] “Love Is Rough — Chapter One”.
[ the set lights up ]
Author: “It was a beautiful night.” No. “It was a dark and stormy night.”
[ lightning flashes outside ]
Author: “Helen Stewart strode into her library… and caught her reflection in the mirror.”
[ Helen Stewart enters to the center of the room, looks around for the mirror and runs toward it ]
Author: “Short, cute, and blonde as a button.”
[ Helen #1 throws her arms up in disgust and trades places with the more appropriate Helen #2 ]
Author: “Just then, there was a knock at the door!”
[ a knock sounds at the door — Helen #2 runs over ]
Author: “It was Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale, coming over for their weekly bridge game.”
[ Helen opens the door to Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale ]
Author: No, that’s no good. Let’s get Mrs. Lawnsdale out of there.
[ Mrs. Lawnsdale throws up her arms in disgust and exits the room ]
Author: “It was just Carl Lawnsdale.” That’s it! “– who was Helen’s secret lover.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale goes to shake Helen’s hand, but then pulls her closer to him ]
Author: “Unable to restrain themselves any longer, they fell into a passionate embrace.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale bends over to kiss Helen ]
Author: “–on the couch.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale wraps Helen in his arms and hops her over to the couch ]
Author: “Carl moaned aloud:”
Mr. Lawnsdaler: Helen!
Author: “– and Helen moaned back:”
[ they grunt in unison ]
Author: “But fate was not on their side. Because, at that moment, who should come rushing into the room, but Helen’s husband!”
[ Helen’s husband enters the room, as Helen and Mr. Lawnsdale bolt upright from the couch ]
Author: “– a tragic cripple from birth.”
[ the scene resets, as Helen’s husband hobbles comically into the room ]
Author: No, that’s no good. No, no, no, no — he was BLIND! “He was blind.”
[ Helen’s husband sits next to Helen and Mr. Lawnsdale on the couch and begins to motion his hands over their faces ]
Author: “Blinded with jealousy.”
[ Helen’s husband stands and steps back from the couple ]
Author: And, uh, “– pulled a GUN from his pocket and furiously snarled:”
Mr. Stewart: I don’t know WHICH of you to SHOOT!!
Author: “He chose his wife.”
[ the Jilted Husband shoots his wife — gun shot ]
Author: “She screamed –“
[ the Wife screams upon being shot ]
Author: “– and fell to the couch.”
[ she starts to fall away from the couch, but Mr. Lawnsdale pulls into the other direction and allows her to fall to the couch ]
Author: No, that’s no good. “Instead, he lets Old Man Lawnsdale have it.”
[ the Jilted Husband shoots Mr. Lawnsdale — gun shot ]
Author: Yeah, that’s it. “He — Lawnsdale falls to the ground.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale falls to the ground ]
Author: No, no, that’s no good. He, uh — he, uh — “He falls backwards over the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale looks toward the author like he’s insane, but complies with the storyline and sprawls across the edge of the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window — glass shatters ]
Author: No, I don’t like that, either. “Instead, he staggers around the room, wildly, blindly.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale stands up and staggers ] “Finally, smashing against the bookcase, pulling the entire works of Leo Tolstoy down on his crumpled, lifeless body.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale staggers into the bookcase, cradles the books into his arms and falls to the ground ]
Author: That’s good. Okay: “Helen is horrified, and lets out a scream.”
[ Helen screams ]
Author: “– a blood-curdling scream.”
[ Helen turns her scream up a notch ]
Author: “The most blood-curdling scream ever heard in the history of man.”
[ Helen screams with full intensity ]
Author: Okay, that’s it. “She belches and storms out of the room.”
[ Helen forces a burp and runs from the room gasping with her arms outstretched ]
Author: Uh — “Mr. Stewart laughs maniacally.”
[ he laughs maniacally ]
Author: “– and then slams himself right in the center of his foreheart with his right fist.”
[ confused, Mr. Stewart punches himself in the chest and the forehead ]
Author: Yeah! “Just then, alarmed by the noises coming from the room, the maid, Mimi van Boom rushes in.”
[ a pretty maid enters ]
Author: “She is pitifully old and ugly! no one can stand the sight of her! She smells and she stinks!”
[ Mr. Stewart cowers away, as the Maid slouches toward him ]
Author: “No one can stand her, that is, except Mr. Stewart, who is desperately in love with her.”
[ Mr. Stewart drops to one knee before the maid ]
Author: “– despite the fact that she sneezes constantly, has a tubercular cough, drools all over him, and brushes her dandruff into his face.”
[ the Maid performs all these disgusting habits over Mr. Stewart ]
Author: “But fate was NOT on their side! For at that moment, WHO should come dashing into the room… but HELEN!”
[ Helen rushes into the room ]
Author: She let out a yelp:”
[ Helen yelps ]
Author: Uh — “The discovered livers — l-l-l-livers — lovers — the LOVERS! — freeze in panic!”
[ the scene freezes, as the Author contemplates what he has written ]
Author: Let’s see… I don’t know about this. Let’s go over it.
[ Mr. Stewart drops the maid to the floor ]
[ he rips the page from the typewriter, as the characters collect themselves and exit the set ]
Author: Alright. [ reading ] “It was a beautiful night.” No, no, no. “It’s a dark and stormy night.” [ lightning strikes ] Uh — “Helen comes into the room, she sees herself in the mirror –” [ the maid runs into the room and toward the mirror ] “She’s short, blonde, and cute as a button.” [ the Maid runs off as Helen takes her position ] “There’s a knock at the door.” [ a knock sounds from the door ] “It’s Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale –” No, no. “It’s just Carl Lawnsdale.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale enters the room ] “They’re secret lovers, they embrace, they fall on the couch — they moan, he moans, she moans.” [ moaning and grunting from the couch ] Uh — “Enter the husband.” [ Mr. Stewart enters ] “He’s crippled…” Uh, no, no, no, no. “He’s blind.” [ Mr. Stewart hobbles to the couch, then feels his wife’s face ] Uh — “He pulls out the gun, he shoots her, she falls on the couch.” [ Helen is shot ] No, no, no. “He shoots him!” [ Mr. Lawnsdale is shot ] “He falls on the ground…” No, no, no, no! “He falls backward over the couch and slams into the Plate-Glass window…” [ Mr. Stewart steps around the couch and smaskes the window with his fist ] No, that’s not right, either. “He staggers over the room, he falls over, goes into the bookcase, pulls down the books of Leo Tolstoy on the shelf.” [ Mr. Stewart falls from the bookcase ] “Just then, Helen belches and runs out of the room.” [ she runs ] “The man laughs, but maniacally punches himself in the head.” [ he laughs ] “The old bag maid comes into the room.” [ the Maid rushes in ] “She’s old, she’s ugly, she stinks, she smells, she drools, she dribbles, she rubs her dandruff all over his face. He loves her.” [ they embrace wildly ] Uh — “Then a woman comes into the room, she yelps!” [ Helen yelps ]
[ the Author glances at this trash ]
Author: I don’t like this. It’s too artsy!
[ he crumples his page and puts a new sheet into the typewriter ]
Author: I need a whole new approach, I think. Let’s see… [ he types ] “I Gave My Heart to the Czar — Chapter One”.
[ the lights dim, as the characters exit the set ]
…..Charlene Tilton …..Gilbert Gottfried …..Todd Rundgren
(the dressing room, backstage. Tilton sits on the same bench, reviewing the script for tonight’s show. Gilbert Gottfried comes in and notices her sitting there.)
Gottfried: (shyly) Um … Charlene?
Tilton: Hi, Gilly!
Gottfried: (sits down) You know, tomorrow, we have the day off. And I was wondering if you’d like to have brunch with me. I mean, I know this place in Brooklyn, you can get unlimited Bloody Marys for five bucks.
Tilton: Aww. (puts her hand on his shoulder) Hey Gilly, uh, I’m really sorry, but I’m having brunch with Charlie at the Plaza.
Gottfried: Oh. Well, well, maybe tomorrow night we can see a movie. I mean, I wouldn’t mind seeing “Insatiable” again.
Tilton: Well – Gilly, that’s very nice of you, but uh, I promised Charlie I’d see a show with him. He’s got these great tickets for “Evita.”
Gottfried: Oh, you and Charlie … Ann must be feeling terrible.
Tilton: Ann? What are you talking about?
Gottfried: Oh, oh, you didn’t know that Ann and Charlie have been having this torrid love affair … Ann’s carrying Charlie’s baby.
Tilton: (her jaw drops. she closes the script and suddenly becomes spiteful) That two-timer! I’ll get Charlie Rocket.
(she gets up and leaves)
Gottfried: (now sullenly jealous) Charlie Rocket. How come HE gets to take out all the hosts? Sally Kellerman, Jamie Lee Curtis, Malcolm MacDowell … (stands up) How come nobody wants to go out with me?
Todd Rundgren: (passing by) Uh, uh, Gilly? I’ll go out with you. (tongue in cheek)
(Todd walks out of shot. The camera zooms in on Gottfried’s scowling face)
Gottfried: That Charlie Rocket. I’ll get him if it’s the last thing I do.
MontageNote: After going on hiatus for a few weeks, SNL returned with a late-season face lift, courtesy of its new producer, Dick Ebersol, who ordered a revamped opening montage that features the theme song from SNL’s first five seasons.
Note: Dick Ebersol wanted to hire John Candy and Catherine O’Hara away from “SCTV”, but Candy wasn’t interested and O’Hara, who had accepted at first, turned the offer down upon witnessing Michael O’Donoghue’s rant over the sixth season’s poor writing. In Candy and O’Hara’s place, “SCTV” co-stars Robin Duke and Tony Rosato crossed over to SNL instead.
Note: An actress named Emily Prager is credited as a featured player, yet she doesn’t appear in this episode and isn’t brought back for the following season. She was to have appeared in a commentary during “Weekend Update”, which was cut from the live broadcast, making her the only credited cast member to never appear on SNL.
Frank SinatraSummary: Frank Sinatra (Joe Piscopo) bashes Japan and promotes the purchase of American cars.
Jr. Walker & The All Stars perform “Road Runner” and “Shotgun”
Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Film critic Raheem Abdul Muhammed (Eddie Murphy) confuses “Altered States” with “Stir Crazy.” Laurie Metcalf asks people on the street if they would take a bullet for the president. Al Franken makes disparaging comments about SNL’s disastrous sixth season, and suggests that the show should be put to sleep.
Mr. Robinson…..Eddie Murphy Mr. Speedy…..Gilbert Gottfried
[ open on toy model of a housing project, with SUPER: “MISTER ROBINSON’S NEIGHBORHOOD”, as police sirens sound ]
[ dissolve to interior, apartment, as Mr. Robinson enters ]
Mr. Robinson: [ singing ]“It’s… one… hell of a day in the neighborhood A hell of a day for a neighbor Would you be mine? Could you be mine? I’ve always wanted to live in a house like yours, my friend Maybe when there’s nobody home… I’ll break in! So… come out with some folks and a smoke You bring the stash, ’cause Robinson’s broke! Will you be mine? Won’t you be mine? Won’t you be my neighbor?”
[ he finishes changing into his sweater and shoes ]
Mr. Robinson: Hi, boys and girls! I’m all alone today. But that don’t mean you can stay too long. My wife will be home from work soon. Can you say “BITCH”? I’m sure you can. That’s our special word today, you know. Come see. [ he steps over to an easel with the word “BITCH” on it ] It’s a very special word! Do you know any? I’m sure you do! They come on all colors — Black… White… Puerto Rican. Go practice your new word to see if you’re saying it right. Walk into Mommy’s room… and say “BITCH!” I’ll wait! [ a beat ] Did Mommy slap you? Then you said it right!
[ a buzzing sound at the front door ]
[ Mr. Robinson purses his lips ]
Mr. Robinson: Who can that be? I’ll go and check! [ he walks up the short flight of stairs and stands before the door ] WHO IS IT?!!
Muffled Voice: It’s me!
[ Mr. Robinson turns to the camera and purses his lips ]
Mr. Robinson: It’s Mr. Speedy! He has a package for me! [ he opens the door to let Mr. Speedy shuffle inside ] Hello, Mr. speedy! What did you bring me today?
Mr. Speedy: I brought you a chemistry kit! It cost you $125!
Mr. Robinson: Oh! A “chemistry kit”. “$125”, huh? [ he shoves Mr. Speedy into the hall and slams the door shut ] I ripped him off! You should never play with chemicals unless you know what you’re doing, boys and girls. Can you say “Richard Pryor”? We will play with this a little bit later, but right now let’s take a trip to our wonderful, magical city of fantasy. [ he steps over to a cardboard model of his building ] Oh, look — a bombed-out building! What could you do with this building? Could you live in it? Could you corner somebody in it and take his wallet? Our neighbors are having so much fun, our friends can hardly wait to go out and play! [ he reaches down for a toy cab ] Oh, look — Mr. Taxicab Driver is driving through our neighborhood! [ he pulls a string to drag the cab past the building ] Think he’ll pick up one of the people from our neighborhood? No way! [ he smashes the toy cab with a Coke bottle ] Can you say “Throw a Coke bottle”?
Well, since I have to walk to work — I can’t catch a cab — I gotta walk 63 blocks. So… I’ll see you tomorrow, because you’re special!
[ singing, as he changes his shoes ]“Tomorrow Tomorrow I’ll soak my feel tomorrow ‘Til they feel… brand new! ‘Til then, I hope you’re feeling… happy My neighborhood is very… crappy! A very happy tomorrow to you!”
Goodbye, boys and girls! See you later.
[ dissolve to the prop exterior of Mr. Robinson’s building, as one of the room ignites with a flash ]
[ fade ]
Spokesman: Are you thinking about a career in television? In the exciting world of TV, it’s important to be prepared and look your sharpest whenever on camera! That’s why the FIRST step to a successful career in broadcasting is the Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading!
[ pull out to reveal the school’s sign on back wall ]
Spokesman: [ frequently glancing off-camera as he makes his pitch ] It’s a real art reading cue cards without letting the viewers at home know you’re doing it! I know it’s hard to believe… but I’m reading a cue card RIGHT NOW! That’s because I studied at the Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading! It’ll appear you’re looking STRAIGHT into the camera when you say things like “Hello!” and “Welcome to our show!” If you join now, you’ll receive a 10% discount to our affiliate: the Cable TV School of Camera Switching! Yeeeeeesss, the Cable TV SChool of Camera Switching! You’ll know what camera to look into —
[ he turns his head to glance at the camera currently on him, then the control room switches to the camera angle he was facing before ]
Spokesman: — and when!
[ he turns back to the appropriate camera, as the control room switches back to the other camera angle ]
Spokesman: Looks easy, doesn’t it? [ he keeps adjusting his head to find the correct camera ] That’s the Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading! Plus a 10% discount to the Cable TV School of Camera Switching! Join now! Here’s how!
[ cut to close-up of cue card with school address ]
Cue Card Boy: Send your name and address to:
“The Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading Post Office Box 100 New York, New York 9-double 9-99!”
[ as the camera pulls back to reveal the cue card boy, he keeps looking between the camera and his own cue card ]
[ the camera pullback also reveals the Spokesman standing off to the side, and the camera angle remains static ]
Spokesman: Not affiliated with the Columbia Broadcast System!
Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail Matthius
…..Charles Rocket …..Gail Matthius David A. Stockman…..Gilbert Gottfried
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with co-anchors Charles Rocket and Gail Matthius.
Charles Rocket: Good evening, I’m Charles Rocket. Here now, the news.
Our top story: For the first time in his life, Frank Sinatra had a drink today with a man who does NOT have a nickname. Make a note of it!
Upon his arrival in Cebu City, Phillipines, The Pope said, and I’m quoting now, “The selfish pursuit of sexual pleasure and the fear of permanent committment are destructive forces and, as such, should be restricted to the state of California.
Gail Matthius: The United States postal service got approval to raise the price of a stamp to eighteen cents. The additional revenue will go toward improving their service. That means that now you’ll get the wrong mail a day earlier! [ no response ] Okay.
The drought continues in the Northeast. To make sure that all New Yorkers conserve water, Mayor Koch announced that the city is piping in all its water from Three Mile Island. In New Jersey, reservoir levels are so low that a woman in Newark turned on her sink, and out popped Jimmy Hoffa’s pinky ring. [ the audience groans ] It’s true.
Charles Rocket: Would you believe that this is a photo of a congressman’s wife? Well, it is! And this is how she’ll look in next month’s Playboy. Her name: Rita Jeanerette. Her husband: John Jeanerette, an ABSCAM victim, and, as you can see, apparently he needed the money for a breast lift. [ he stomps his feet ] Rita also revealed that she and her husband once made love on the steps of the Capitol Building. And, as many Washington insiders know, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Yes, Margaret Trudeau was frequently seen late at night in a skimpy negligee, slithering up to the Washington Monument. That’s not all! Yes, and there was Truman Capite, who once spent the night in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Oh, Truman, come on now, huh? Well, the pressure of Washington, I guess, leads to strange behavior.
In Las Vegas, fire marshalls have asked the city’s hotels to increase their fire safety standards. Well, Caesar’s Palace has come up with the quickest way to evacuate their guests. What do they do? Hey! I’ll answer that for you. They have installed smoke alarms that play a recording of Eddie Fisher singing “O, My Papa”!
Gail Matthius: The State Department announced that is is becoming more and more alarmed as Cuba continues to ship arms and weapons to the Communist guerrillas in El Salvador. The chances of american intervention are growing: Bob Hope is already practicing how to say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish! [ no response ] In Spanish.
Heavy fighting in El Salvador. Many casualties resulted when a guerrilla bugle boy panicked. Instead of sounding retreat, he played… The Best of Herb Alpert.
Charles Rocket: The latest trend in music — no, not Herb alpert! It’s coming from — of all places — Italy! Inspired by Jamaican rock, the new sound is called… Ragu music. Incidentally, it is performed by an Italian religious group called the… Pastafarians.
And now, budget director David A. Stockman with a message for the nation’s nearly needy. Mr. Stockman.
David A. Stockman: This week, a great many of you found out that you are not truly needy, but only nearly needy. In other words, you WON’T be getting food stamps any more. But I’ve come up with a new way you can earn back those food stamps and, at the same time, help fight crime. We call it the “Catch a Crook, Eat a Meal” program. How does it work? It’s simple. If you qualify as a nearly needy person, you can hunt down wanted criminals and turn them in for food stamps. Can you catch a mugger? If you can, we’ll give you enough foo stamps for a hearty breakfast of Ham and Eggs and all the coffee you can drink. Still hungry? Bring us an armed robber, and we’ll feed you for a week. And that’s not all. Gun down a suspected murderer, and we’ll give you $10,000 cash tomorrow, and you can forget about food stamps. If you only wound a suspect, and he gets away… you get nothing. For further details, this pamphlet. [ he holds up a pamphlet ] “Catch a Crook, Eat a Meal” is available at your post office, along with a list of wanted criminals and local nutjobs. Remember: We’ll double your stamps if you bring your suspect in alive.
Charles Rocket: Thank you, Mr. Stockman.
Well, this week Mr. Reagan announced other budget cuts, which included a 15% reduction in funding to the theater arts. When asked whether this would severely hamper the education of future performers, Mr. Reagan replied, and I’m quoting now: “Hey! I made it without learning how to act!”
Well, that wasn’t all. 83 big programs were whittled down to the bone, totaling over $41.4 billion in cuts. Food stamps, Medicaid, subsidized housing, child nutrition, student aid, mass transit, cuts, cuts, cuts that affect all of us! [ outraged ] Listen here, Ronnie, baby! If you want to save money, why don’t you have Nancy shop at Sears?! [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ]
Charles Rocket: Oh, and a lot of you are asking me right now, with mental telepathy: “Where’s Joe Piscopo, huh?” [ in Piscopo’s frantic style ] Okay, he’s at ringside with the super fight between Rocko Weineretto and challenger Weindulah! Which will be seen later, LIVE, on this evening’s program! For Gail Matthius and the entire “Weekend Update” team, I’m Charles Rocket. Good night, and… watch out.