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    SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Nick Rivers

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 6: Episode 12

    80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

    Nick Rivers

    Bud Slim…..Neil Levy
    Nick Rivers…..Bill Murray
    …..Paul Shaffer
    Sid…..Eddie Murphy
    Mary Kay Lady #1…..Denny Dillon
    Mary Kay Lady #2…..Gail Matthius
    Marlene Cooper…..Yvonne Hudson

    [ open on Bud Slim performing a card trick for a group of patrons on a riverboat ]

    Bud Slim: So this guy says to me: “Hey, kid, come here! Let me see that deuce again.” I said, “Sure.” But the deuce had become… THREE aces. [ he holds up three aces ] [ the crowd cheers, as Nick Rivers rushes out ]

    Nick Rivers: Let’s hear it for him! Our own Bud Slim. Let’s hear it for him!

    [ Bud Slim exits ]

    Nick Rivers: [ singing ]“Ohhhh, sailing!
    Takes me awayyyyy to where I want to be…”

    Oh, heck! I’m not gonna sing one of his songs, because the guy just walked out of town with all the Grammys! I’m talking about Chris Cross, of course. Hi! My name is Nick Rivers. I want to welcome you all to the Paddlewheel Lounge aboard the Riverboat Queen, and what a MAJESTIC lady she is as she plies the Mighty Mississippi. We’re awfully, awfully sorry about the engine trouble that developed upstream, and it’s too bad because we HAD hoped to be in New Orleans for Mardi Gras, but, unfortunately, we’re gonna be two-and-a-half days late. Well, sorry. No big deal! But, hey — I think that the Mardi Gras we had at the dock in Cincinnati was just as good, and I mean that. [ looking toward the crowd ] Hey, here’s our good buddy Sid now, with another round of juleps. How you doing, Brother Man?

    Sid: Hey, what’s happening, Rick?

    Nick Rivers: Hey, how about a fresh Scotch for me?

    Sid: Oh, sorry, Rick. I checked it out, man, you gotta pay for your drinks.

    Nick Rivers: [ he sighs ] Okay, well, thanks for trying anyway, okay? Appreciate it. Hey, everybody, take care of Sammy, because he’s had a tough life. You know, he’s a character…

    [ singing ]“Who left a good job down in the city
    He pumped a lot of tank down in New Orleans
    But the dude never saw the good side of the city
    ‘Til he hitched a ride aboard the Riverboat Queen.
    Big wheel keep on turnin’
    Oh, Proud Mary keep on burnin’
    He be rollin’
    He be rollin’!
    Said that dude be rollin’ on the river!”

    [ the crowd applauds ]

    Nick Rivers: You know, the South is known for its lovely, lovely, lovely ladies, and I know a couple of genuine Southern belles when I see them. [ he kneeles before two women at a table ] Tell us — where you all from?

    Mary Kay Lady #1: Uh — Richton, Minnesota.

    Nick Rivers: [ he chuckles ] Wild guess — you two… are SISTERS!

    Mary Kay Lady #1: [ she chuckles ] Oh, no — actually, we’re, uh, southern Minnesota representatives for Mary Kay Cosmetics.

    Mary Kay Lady #2: We just got back from a big meeting in Cincinnati, and we met Mary Kay herself — and I gotta tell you, she’s an inspiration!

    Mary Kay Lady #1: After all thee years, she still has the face and figure of a teenager.

    Nick Rivers: Her? What abot you two? [ the ladies gush ] Come on, hey! If anybody’s gonna score on this trip, it’s gonna be at this table, and you know it! You know, you ladies might be interested to know that tomorrow we stop at historic Vicksburg, the site of the famous Siege of 1863, or 4, or 5, or 61 or 62, one of those years — not really sure — when the grand ladies of the South, in order to survive, were forced to eat rat flesh. Wow. True story.

    [ Sid re-enters the room ]

    Nick Rivers: Uh, Sid — how about some of those teeny little weiners, for the girls at Mary Kay. Can we have that, please? Hey, what the heck — bring teeny weiners for everybody, okay? [ to the crowd ] Life is a party, huh?

    [ singing ]“Now’s the time to come together
    It’s up to you, WHAT’S your pleasure?
    Everyone around the world,
    It’s a celebration!
    Come on, Pablo!”

    [ Nick leans over Paul’s piano as they sing together ]

    “Celebrate good times, COME HOME!
    Celebrate good times, COME HOME!”

    Nick Rivers: [ singing ] “It’s a cel-e-braaaaaaa-tion!”

    [ the crowd cheers ]

    Nick Rivers: Yeah, thank you! You know, this has been a year for celebration. How about those… hostages coming home? Come on, applause! [ the crowd applauds ] You know, I got a little surprise for ya’. The Captain tells me that we have a very special guest onboard… and I would like you all to meet her: One of the original American hostages in Iran… Miss Marlene Cooper. [ grabbing Marlene’s hand ] Come on, stand up, would you please, Marlene? Stand up. [ she stands ] EVERYBODY, UP! EVERYBODY UP! EVERYBODY UP, DAMMIT!! COME ON!! [ the crowd stands and applauds ] Okay, everybody down. Everybody down! [ the crowd sits ] Thank you. Welcome home, Marlene.

    Marlene Cooper: Thanks.

    Nick Rivers: The Lord’s been good to you, huh? I guess it must be pretty sweet to be back in the U.S.A., huh?

    Marlene Cooper: Well… I’ve been home for about a year now.

    Nick Rivers: [ taken aback by this news ] Oh, I see. You’re one of the Black hostages they sent back early.

    Marlene Cooper: Yes. Well, they only held us for about four weeks.

    Nick Rivers: Oh, I’m sorry. That’s kind of a tough break — no parade, no yellow ribbon, no welcome home whatsoever. That must have been a pretty tough… experience for you. Well, let me see if I can try a little… [ he kisses her forehead ] rescue, something for you.

    [ singing ]“There ain’t nothin’ I can do!
    Ain’t nothin’ I can say!
    I’m comin’ to your emotional rescue.
    Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh!
    Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh!”

    Thank you, thank you! You know, I’ve played most of the towns on this here river. I’ve been up and down this river, played most of the towns, but, unfortunately, I can’t go back to most of them. But Nick Rivers isn’t going to be floating on this river forever. I’m hoping like any entertainer, to get that… [ he crosses his fingers ] big break, in that big town where it’s all happening.

    [ singing ]“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!!
    If I can make it there
    I’m gonna make it
    It’s, up, to, yooooooouuu, Neeeeeeew Or-leans
    Neeeeewwwww Or-leeeeeeeeans!”

    Thank you!

    [ camera pulls up and pans into the audience, stopping at a man with SUPER: “Ato Crash Test Dummy” ] [ fade ]

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