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    SNL Transcripts: Charlene Tilton: 02/21/81: Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 6: Episode 11

    80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

    Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood

    Mr. Robinson…..Eddie Murphy
    Mr. Speedy…..Gilbert Gottfried

    [ open on toy model of a housing project, with SUPER: “MISTER ROBINSON’S NEIGHBORHOOD”, as police sirens sound ] [ dissolve to interior, apartment, as Mr. Robinson enters ]

    Mr. Robinson: [ singing ]“It’s… one… hell of a day in the neighborhood
    A hell of a day for a neighbor
    Would you be mine?
    Could you be mine?
    I’ve always wanted to live in a house like yours, my friend
    Maybe when there’s nobody home… I’ll break in!
    So… come out with some folks and a smoke
    You bring the stash, ’cause Robinson’s broke!
    Will you be mine?
    Won’t you be mine?
    Won’t you be my neighbor?”

    [ he finishes changing into his sweater and shoes ]

    Mr. Robinson: Hi, boys and girls! I’m all alone today. But that don’t mean you can stay too long. My wife will be home from work soon. Can you say “BITCH”? I’m sure you can. That’s our special word today, you know. Come see. [ he steps over to an easel with the word “BITCH” on it ] It’s a very special word! Do you know any? I’m sure you do! They come on all colors — Black… White… Puerto Rican. Go practice your new word to see if you’re saying it right. Walk into Mommy’s room… and say “BITCH!” I’ll wait! [ a beat ] Did Mommy slap you? Then you said it right!

    [ a buzzing sound at the front door ] [ Mr. Robinson purses his lips ]

    Mr. Robinson: Who can that be? I’ll go and check! [ he walks up the short flight of stairs and stands before the door ] WHO IS IT?!!

    Muffled Voice: It’s me!

    [ Mr. Robinson turns to the camera and purses his lips ]

    Mr. Robinson: It’s Mr. Speedy! He has a package for me! [ he opens the door to let Mr. Speedy shuffle inside ] Hello, Mr. speedy! What did you bring me today?

    Mr. Speedy: I brought you a chemistry kit! It cost you $125!

    Mr. Robinson: Oh! A “chemistry kit”. “$125”, huh? [ he shoves Mr. Speedy into the hall and slams the door shut ] I ripped him off! You should never play with chemicals unless you know what you’re doing, boys and girls. Can you say “Richard Pryor”? We will play with this a little bit later, but right now let’s take a trip to our wonderful, magical city of fantasy. [ he steps over to a cardboard model of his building ] Oh, look — a bombed-out building! What could you do with this building? Could you live in it? Could you corner somebody in it and take his wallet? Our neighbors are having so much fun, our friends can hardly wait to go out and play! [ he reaches down for a toy cab ] Oh, look — Mr. Taxicab Driver is driving through our neighborhood! [ he pulls a string to drag the cab past the building ] Think he’ll pick up one of the people from our neighborhood? No way! [ he smashes the toy cab with a Coke bottle ] Can you say “Throw a Coke bottle”?

    Well, since I have to walk to work — I can’t catch a cab — I gotta walk 63 blocks. So… I’ll see you tomorrow, because you’re special!

    [ singing, as he changes his shoes ]“Tomorrow
    I’ll soak my feel tomorrow
    ‘Til they feel… brand new!
    ‘Til then, I hope you’re feeling… happy
    My neighborhood is very… crappy!
    A very happy tomorrow to you!”

    Goodbye, boys and girls! See you later.

    [ dissolve to the prop exterior of Mr. Robinson’s building, as one of the room ignites with a flash ] [ fade ]

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