SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Cut Flowers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

Cut Flowers

Florist…..Bill Murray
Customer…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open on title card, as routine florist activity takes place in the background — florists wrap flowers in paper, carry pots in from the back room, etc. ] [ meanwhile, a Customer window-gazes outside in the snow before deciding to come inside ]

Florist: Good morning. What can we do for you?

Customer: I’m looking for something, uh, special.

Florist: Something special? Uh, what — like a mink coat? Something like that, or have you considered flowers this morning?

Customer: Something, uh — something unusual, perhaps. Uh, out of the ordinary. Not your run of the mill.

Florist: Well, we’ve got some Washington State daffodils this morning. These are very fresh, picked them off myself.

Customer: Mmm-hmm, no.

Florist: California iris.

Customer: N-no…

Florist: California tiger lilies?

Customer: Uhhh…

Florist: I got — what do you want, spiders? I got glads. I got carnations. Miniature carnations.

Customer: No, I’m looking for something more unusual.

Florist: Unusual?

Customer: Mmm-hmm. Could you show me something?

Florist: Sure. What, are you going to a funeral or something? You’re kind of sad this morning. You’re depressing me!

Customer: No, no. I just want something kind of special, kind of unusual, something less pedestrian.

Florist: Less pedestrian? You come in off the street, you don’t want something pedestrian, huh? [ he chuckles ] Okay, come on. How about a bird of paradise? You know a bird of paradise?

Customer: Well, let’s see.

[ the Florist holds up the flower ]

Florist: Bird of paradise. This isn’t unusual enough for you?

[ the Customer sniffs the flower ]

Florist: [ he chuckles ] Alright. Well, I’m sorry, we’re gonna have to put you to bed. [ he holds up another flower ] White Pinocchios.

Customer: No, no. I’m looking for something a little more, uh… exotic.

Florist: [ thinking ] Exotic?

Customer: Exotic.

[ cut to the two men in another part of the shop ]

Florist: You don’t have any allergies, do you?

Customer: No.

Florist: [ acknowledging a row of flowers ] These are irises. I suppose you wouldn’t like any of this kind of stuff.

Customer: No.

Florist: Carnations.

Customer: No.

Florist: Heathers. This is pretty. Some people think it’s pretty.

Customer: No.

Florist: These are nice glads. They’re fresh. I took ’em off myself.

Customer: Mmm-hmm.

Florist: Here — these are freshia. Try these. Get a whiff of these, get in there.

Customer: [ sniffing ] Mmm-hmm.

Florist: Ah, good? Now, try the yellow ones — those are really good!

Customer: I don’t — I don’t think —

Florist: Alright, over here. Try these mums. These are fragrant, these are really fragrant.

[ cut to the Florist walking to the Customer to a door in the back ]

Florist: Alright. This should be it.

[ the Florist disappears through the door, then re-emerges moments later with a bouquet ]

Florist: These are African daisies.

Customer: [ impressed ] Ohhhh… it’s beautiful! This is EXACTLY what I want!

Florist: [ picking a long stem ] Alright. How many would you like?

Customer: Just the one.

Florist: [ miffed ] Alright. Give me five bucks.

[ the Customer hands over the money ]

Florist: Okay, you want me to wrap it?

Customer: No, I’ll eat it here.

[ the Customer salts the petals, then shoves the flower into his mouth ]

Customer: Mmm!

[ the customer hands his salt shaker to the Florist and walks away ] [ confused, the Florist sniffs the petals of one of the petals and takes a bite of his own; he tries it with the salt, and continues eating as the credits roll ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton


…..Bill Murray

Bill Murray: Next week, the host will be RobertGuillaume and he will have Ian Drury and theBlockheads with him.

Off screen voice: All right!

Bill Murray: That’s right. [self-consciously,into the camera] Uh, Danny, John, Gilda, Laraine,Garrett, Jane, [rolls his eyes trying to remember ifhe’s forgotten anyone] Gilda, Laraine — [seriously]I’m sorry for what I’ve done.

[The others laugh at this. Cheers and applause as Billsmiles wryly and waves. As the closing theme kicks inand the cast waves, Charles Rocket leans in and givesBill a big hug. Eventually, the cast crowds aroundBill who shakes Eddie Murphy’s hand warmly. The castgives Bill noogies. After a while, we pull back andpan over the applauding audience in Studio8H.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts


SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: No Sex With Mary

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

No Sex With Mary

Mary Cunningham…..Gail Matthius
Phil Beekman…..Charles Rocket
Chairman of the Board…..Joe Piscopo
Manuel…..Gilbert Gottfried

[ open on Mary Cunningham standing at podium ]

Mary Cunningham: Hello, I’m Mary Cunningham. Last October, I quit my job at Bendix because my boss held a press conference to announce that we were NOT sleeping together. Well, it was really awful. Now, this week, I finally got a new job, and my new corporation assures me that they will be a LOT more sensitive.

[ Seagram’s President Phil Beekman steps forward ]

Phil Beekman: That’s right. I’m the President of Seagram’s — Mary’s new company — and I sympathize with what Mary went through. So I just want to announce right here and now that I’m NOT sleeping with Ms. Cunningham. She is absolutely NOT my mistress, and I want to make it PERFECTLY Clear she’s absolutely not my sultry slave of love.

Mary Cunningham: But I’m NOT!!

Phil Beekman: That’s what I’m telling the people, Mary… [ to the audience ] Now, DON’T think that Mary and I have wild sex in the executive suite, in the boardroom, or on those so-called business trips, because, no kidding, we don’t! I’m not lying. And here’s someone else who Mary doesn’t service twenty-four hours a day, on call — our Chairman of the Board.

[ Chairman of the Board enters ]

Chairman of the Board: That’s right! Don’t ask me what Mary looks like under those, uh, conservative suits — I have no idea! Because I have NOT had my way with her. That’s why I wrote this article for the Wall Street Journal — [ he holds up the newspaper ] “I Don’t Have Sex With Mary Cunningham!”

Phil Beekman: See, Mary? Your nightmare of tawdry publicity is over. Hey, Jim! Come on out here. [ Executive enters ] This is Jim Deekman, our VP of Sales. Jim, do you sleep with Cunningham?

Jim: No.

Phil Beekman: Attaboy! Well, Mary, I think this will seal your reputation!

Mary Cunningham: Yeah, I’m sure it will…

Phil Beekman: Manuel! Our favorite janitor here at Seagram’s! [ Manuel enters ] Tell us, honestly, have you gotten anything off of Mary?

Manuel: No! I have NEVER had Mary Cunningham as my passionate child-woman! The flower of my burning lust taken in rapture! No! No joke! Never! I think of her as another executive.

Phil Beekman: Thanks, Manuel! I’m sure we all do.

Manuel: I think she’s frigid…

Phil Beekman: Now, now, Manuel! Well, Mary, your professional reputation is restored. Who says we’re not sensitive? I mean, there’s enough male sensitivity right here to fill a whole week of “Donahue” shows, am I right? [ the men agree ] Alright! Now, if there’s anyone else out there who doesn’t sleep with Mary and wants to make a big announcement about it, send us a postcard! We’ll read it on the air. That address is:


“No Sex With Mary
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, N.Y.”

Okay? Alright, Mary? [ he grabs her shoulder, but she rebuffs him ] Uh-oh, I’m sorry! Okay, no touching! Alright.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: It Just Doesn’t Matter

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

It Just Doesn’t Matter

… Bill Murray
… cast of “Saturday Night Live”

[Host Bill Murray, wearing jeans and a “Black ForestLanes” bowling shirt, sits quietly in his dressingroom, picking his nose. There’s a knock at thedoor.]

Bill Murray: Come in.

Gilbert Gottfried: [opens door] Uh, Bill, areyou busy?

Bill Murray: No.

Gilbert Gottfried: Oh.

[Gilbert enters and all the other cast members file inbehind him and take seats in the room. Bill rises togreet them.]

Denny Dillon: Hi, Bill.

Bill Murray: Come on in. Sit down, youknow.

[Bill sits on the dressing room sofa, surrounded bythe cast who sit all around him, glum and depressed.Long pause as Bill looks them over.]

Bill Murray: So, how’s it been goin’?

Eddie Murphy: Well, it ain’t exactly so easy,Bill. Everybody keeps comparing us to the oldcast.

Ann Risley: And the press hasn’t been overlykind.

Bill Murray: Yeah, I read that stuff: “SaturdayNight Live is Saturday Night Dead.”

Cast: [groans, winces, looks uncomfortable] Oh,come on.

Bill Murray: “From Yuks to Yecch.” [cast groansand wretches as if in pain] My favorite, though, is”Vile from New York.”

Cast: [groans] Please, Bill.

Bill Murray: [genuinely amused] It’s funny.It’s funny. [more sympathetic] But, uh, don’t letthat, uh, bother you, you know. It takes a long timeto get started. I mean, a whole new cast, all newwriters.

Cast: Yeah. Right.

Bill Murray: What do you expect, you know? Theratings are still fine, you know. Even if your ratingswent up higher than the old show, you know…

Cast: Yeah?

Bill Murray: … people would still say the oldshow was better, you know?

Cast: [nodding] Uh huh. That’s true, that’strue.

Bill Murray: Maybe it was. … But,uh…

Charles Rocket: [as the cast protests mildly]Come on, Bill.

Bill Murray: It doesn’t matter! I’m justsaying, you know– So what? What if the show getscanceled and you guys never get to do movies oranything like that?

Cast: Come on! Geez!

Denny Dillon: Don’t say that!

Bill Murray: You guys are good. I mean, youknow, Charlie, you’re very funny. I love those RocketReports.

Charles Rocket: You really mean that,Bill?

Bill Murray: [more in sorrow than in anger]People are tellin’ me you’re imitatin’ me, Charlie,though. I don’t like to hear that. … And, uh, watchyour mouth. Clean it up. … Okay? [Charles nods, Billturns to Gilbert] Who are you? What’s yourname?

Gilbert Gottfried: Uh, I – I’m Gilbert.

Bill Murray: Gilbert. Gilbert, cheer up for me,will ya, pal? [pats Gilbert’s shoulder and headsupportively] Huh? Come on. You’re a very lucky humanbeing. You’re very lucky, you know? Nobody walks up toyou on the street and says, “I hated 1941!” –do they? Well, all right. [to Denny] And, you — youlook very good when you comb your hair. It’s nice.Well, you do.

Denny Dillon: Bill, it’s supposed to be likethis!

Bill Murray: [nods, turns to Ann and Gail] Youknow, and, uh, you girls are terrific looking, you’regreat. You know, I still mix you up, I – I can’t tellyou apart, but it’s great, you know. It’s like, “Oh,it’s that other girl who’s very attractive” and soforth.

Ann Risley: [nods] Oh, yeah.

Bill Murray: And, uh, you know, Joe Piscopo,you’re great. [someone in the crowd agrees] You know,the whole sports thing. The monosyllabic hollering andstuff.

Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Bill.

Bill Murray: It’s inspired, you know, but, uh,are you – are you gonna definitely stick with “JoePiscopo” as your name?

Joe Piscopo: Uh … Well, I was born with it,Bill. You know, it’s my name.

Bill Murray: Wow. [beat] Well, whatever. …And, uh, you, Eddie. You’re black. … [Eddie juststares at him] And, uh, that’s beautiful, man. That’sbeautiful. You can do whatever you want. Matt and Pat,Yvonne, those guys are great. Look. Look. You guysneed help.

Charles Rocket: Yeah.

Bill Murray: You need a lot of help, really.But, hey — I saved the old cast, I can do it foryou. You know. … What do you think they werelike before I got here, man? Aykroyd — Dan Aykroydwas weak. I taught him a lot, man.

Cast: Really? Oh, really?

Bill Murray: Belushi was a shadow. Jane Curtinhad a serious drinking problem before I–

Charles Rocket: Not Jane!

Denny Dillon: That’s amazing. That’s reallyamazing.

Bill Murray: The important thing now is to be”up.” You know, you gotta be “up.” ‘Cuz if you’re not”up,” I don’t look good tonight. You know? You know,the press, they can be terrible to you. [rises] But itdoesn’t matter, you know?

Cast: Yeah.

Bill Murray: The ratings deal? It just doesn’tmatter.

Cast: Yeah. Right.

All: It just doesn’t matter.

Bill Murray: Right!

All: It just doesn’t matter!

Bill Murray: That’s right! Confidence! Sure, Ihaven’t done this show in a year. Sure, I could go outthere and make a fool of myself. [cast protests, says,”No, no, no.”] Sure, I could completely bloweverything. I could completely blow everything…

Charles Rocket: I suppose.

Bill Murray: … and humiliate myself in frontof millions of people on TV.

Cast: Probably, yeah.

Bill Murray: [beat, swallows nervously] It’s avery real possibility. … [pause] I think I’m gonnabe sick. [staggers over to make-up table]

Cast: [rising, in concern] Oh, Bill.

Denny Dillon: Bill, are you okay? Bill, are youokay?

Bill Murray: No, I think I’m gonna be sick.Maybe a drink’ll help– [grabs a bottle of liquor offthe table, the cast gathers around him]

Gilbert Gottfried: Bill, take it easy. You’llbe okay.

Denny Dillon: This guy’s a basket case.

Joe Piscopo: Hey, look, look, we carried ElliotGould, we could carry Bill Murray. Noproblem-o.

[Bill takes a swig of liquor straight from the bottle.The cast pleads and protests.]

Joe Piscopo: It’s like he said, “It justdoesn’t matter!”

Gail Matthius: Hey, hey, Bill. It reallydoesn’t matter. Here, we’re gonna take care of ya,huh? It doesn’t matter!

[Quickly, the other cast members start repeating, “Itjust doesn’t matter!” with increasing energy andintensity until Bill joins in and they are allchanting loudly and hopping up and down in a hugegroup hug, like some kind of insane pep rallycheer.]

It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!

Bill Murray: Let’s go get ’em!

[They all turn, waving clenched fists and pointingfingers, and yell enthusiastically into thecamera:]

All: Live, from New York, it’s SaturdayNight!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Bill Murray’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

Bill Murray’s Monologue

…Bill Murray
…Eddie Murphy

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and Gentlemen — Bill Murray!

[Huge cheers and applause as Bill appears at home base via the elevator. He exits out of it and struts to the edge of the stage and does a kick jump and a dance to finish it off as the music ends.]

Bill Murray: [pointing to the band] How about that band?! Come on! Come on! More!

[After Bill gestures them, the band starts to play the theme music again as Bill jumps up and down while walking to the other side of the stage and hugs a support pole and jumps down below to the audience. He picks up a female audience member, drapes her over his head, and sets her back down on her chair. He jumps back onto the stage and continues dancing when Eddie Murphy shows up and cues the band to stop playing.]

Eddie Murphy: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What the hell is…

Bill Murray: Eddie Murphy! Let’s here it for him! [stamps his feet on the stage as Eddie briefly smiles to the audience]

Eddie Murphy: What the hell are you doing? You’re supposed to be doing your monologue out here. You almost dropped this woman on her head, Bill!

Bill Murray: Well, I guess I got a little excited, huh? Well, what are you doing out here? Asking me what I’m doing, anyway?

Eddie Murphy: Well, you’re suppposed to be doing your monologue. This ain’t a band number. Do your thing!

Bill Murray: Oh, come on, Eddie. You know what we talked about. It’s just doesn’t matter, you know. I could go out here and say “Gee, these kids are great, golly! They got so much energy, and I don’t even know what’s gonna happen next!” Eddie, it just doesn’t matter. The important thing is that we’re working together.

Eddie Murphy: Yeah.

Bill Murray: Yeah, and that we’re BAD!

Eddie Murphy: Yeah.

Bill Murray: You’re bad!

Eddie Murphy: I’m bad.

Bill Murray: I’M bad!

Eddie Murphy: We’re both bad.

Bill Murray: I mean, that previous Black-White act, you know — or, should I say, that Pryor act — you know, they thought they were bad, or Wild or Wilder, if you will. They’re not as widl or bad as the Murray-Murphy combo! ‘Cause we’re BAD!

Eddie Murphy: Right, we bad!

Bill Murray: That’s right! In fact, we’re BADDER!

Eddie Murphy: Right! You mean we MORE bad!

Bill Murray: We’re MORE bad! We are the WORST, my man! Give me five, come on!

[ Eddie low-fives Bill ]

Eddie Murphy: We’re TERRIBLE! Give me fifteen!

[ Eddie low-fives both hands and raises one foot ]

Bill Murray: We are NAUSEATING! Now, give me some of that long sole, my man!

[ Bill turns around, raises one foot and holds out his hand, which Eddie high-fives downward to Bill’s foot ]

Bill Murray: Come on! Gvie me the PINK side now! [ Bill holds out his hand ]

Eddie Murphy: We gonna have to work on that one!

Bill Murray: And we’re both Irish, too! That’s so great!

Eddie Murphy: Yeah.

Bill Murray: Yeah, Murray and Murphy, the Irish duo. An Irish Jig, let’s do it man. [Bill does a dance move]

Eddie Murphy: [rather offended and pointing at Bill] Now, that’s bad AND dangerous, so watch yourself.

Bill Murray: Come on, man, I’m only kidding. We’re a team. We’re just like salt and pepper. [slaps hands with Eddie]

Eddie Murphy: Pepper and salt!

Bill Murray: Come on! Paprika and cinnamon!

Eddie Murphy: Hartman, Oprah!

Bill Murray: Yeah, Belushi and Aykroyd. [slaps hands again]

Eddie Murphy: That’s bad!

Bill Murray: That’s bad! We’ll be right back, man!

Eddie Murphy: Yeah!

[Cheers and applause as Bill and Eddie continue to give each other high fives including a jumping one as the screen fades.]

Submitted by Kyleman88

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Saturday Night Newsline

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

Saturday Night Newsline

Dr. Jonathan Lear…..Mark King

[ open on Dr. Jonathan Lear seated at news desk ]

Dr. Jonathan Lear: I’m Dr. Jonathan Lear. This is “Saturday Night Live: Newsline”, Science Break. Tonight: DNA.

As most of us know, DNA is the basic building block of life. Also, DNA is the master molecule of life. It’s really great! We have been able to obtain actual photographs of DNA molecules, so let’s take a look at some of them.

[ he holds up a drawing of DNA ]

In its simplest form, DNA looks like a double helix.

[ he swaps out DNA cards ]

Here’s a photo of DNA molecules sitting up straight.

[ he swaps out DNA cards ]

Here’s some FAT DNA!

[ he swaps out DNA cards ]

Here’s some DNA hiding in spaghetti.

[ he swaps out DNA cards ]

Here’s DNA sitting on a picket fence.

[ he swaps out DNA cards ]

DNA following a fish.

[ he swaps out DNA cards ]

Have a nice day, DNA!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Saturday Night Newsline II

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

Saturday Night Newsline II

…..Bill Murray

[ open on Bill Murray seated at news desk ]

Bill Murray: Hello. I’m Bill Murray for “Newsline”, Arts & Leisure. It’s that time of year again, time for everyone’s annual Oscar predictions.

[ the audience applauds wildly, as Bill Murray holds up his Oscar board list ]

I think you heard it here first… that in the categories of Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress, nobody gives a DAMN! [ he pulls the nominees of these actors from the board ] Let’s get these people off of here as quickly as possible, and get them out of here!

In the Best Actress category, there can only be ONE winner — and that is Mary Tyler Moore. [ he wipes the other nominees from the board ] And for one reason: Because Carol Burnett isn’t nominated.

In the Best Actor category, there can only be one winner — and that is Jack Lemmon, because Jack Lemmon is still alive.

And in the Best Picture category, there can ONLY be one winner, and that is “Tess”, because Hollywood hasn’t had a good party since Roman Polanski left.

[ he removes the winners from the board ]

But these awards are meaningless to you and me because, well… we’re not judging them, people. I think it’s time for some new awards, and I’m about to give them.

In the category of Best Supporting Actress: For her work in “Wholly Moses”, the winner is… Laraine Newman.

[ the audience applauds ]

In the category of Best Supporting Actor: For his fantastic work with Benji in “Oh! Heavenly Dog”… Mr. Chevy Chase.

[ the audience applauds ]

A first for this award — a tie in the Best Actress category: For her work in “How to Beat the High Cost of Living”… Ms. Jane Curtin; and for a DOUBLE nomination for “Gilda Live” and “The First Family”… Ms. Gilda Radner.

[ the audience applauds ]

And what’s gota be a second in the history of this category — uh, uh, a second tie in the Best Actor category: For their work as Jake and Elwood Blues… Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi.

[ the audience applauds ]

For the Best Picture, there, of course, is only one winner. And that is… “Caddyshack”. Because it was written by my brother, Brian Doyle-Murray, and Doug and Harold.

[ the audience applauds ]

Uh — finally, most important award of all: The Irving Thalberg Memorial Award for humanitarian, decency, and just all around good guyness… given to Garrett Morris, for his work with the Guardian Angels here in New York City.

[ the audience applauds ]

Those are my awards. Let’s see what happens!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Saturday Night Newsline

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

Saturday Night Newsline

…..Charles Rocket
…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on Charles Rocket at news desk ]

Charles Rocket: This is “Newsline.”

Our top story tonight: Lady Diana Spencer just broke off her engagement to Prince Charles, because she discovered he was not a virgin.

Well, after three long months in court, Jean Harris was found guilty of murdering this man: Dr. Tarnauer. Apparently, she did it because she was in a jealous rage. Hard to beleive anybody could be jealous of this guy!

Well, anyway, Mrs. Harris contended she was trying to commit suicide. She probably thought she could get herself in the head by ricchoeting the bullets off his pajamas. That must have been it, yeah! That’s probably it!

Well, Washington, D.C. has been buzzing all week about Congressman John Jeanerette’s wife, Rita, who, as we all know, posed nude in this month’s Playboy. Now, look, I don’t know… what’s the big deal here? I mean, I saw the pictures, and… Rita: You were great! I thought you really looked really good! And if you really stop and think about it, it could have been worse. I mean, how would you like to look at a seven-page spread of Mrs. Tip O’Neill? I don’t know… [ he shakes his head ] That wouldn’t be good.

Charles Rocket: Well, it’s been a big week in sports, and here to tell us all about it is our own Joe Piscopo.

Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Charlie! Hello again, everybody! Joe Piscopo, live, Saturday Night Sports! The big story! Hockey! Violence! Penalties! Blood! Stitches! Gore City!

[ cut to two hockey players holding hockey sticks at one another ]

Joe Piscopo V/O: Solution? Softer sticks!

[ the players begin to attack one another with the rubber sticks ]

Joe Piscopo V/O: Violence! Plenty! Bloodshed! None!

[ return to Piscopo at the news desk ]

Joe Piscopo: Today, the stick! Tomorrow, the PUCK! Joe Piscopo, live, Saturday Night Sports!

Charles Rocket: Thank you, Joe. Did you say “puck”? Alright, well, once again —

[ the audience cheers ]

There’s another scandal that affects everyone who owns a television set. Oh, sure, I know many of you read about it in TV Guide — Cocaine is taking over Hollywood. Is that shocking, or what? The investigation is on, and everyone is scrambling. On the set of “Alice”, for example, they’ve taken all the spoons out of Mel’s Diner. At taping sessions, actors are understandably hesitant to call out: “Where are my lines?!” Well, it kind of makes you suspicious, doesn’t it? I mean, like, what did realy happen to Karl Malden, why did he get off the air? Well, when you think about it, his nose is so big he could have wiped out Hollywood all alone, you know what I mean?

Speaking of celebrities, Orson Welles and Shelley Winters are back at it again!

Charles Rocket: [ glancing off-camera ] For “Saturday Night Newsline”, I’m Charles Rocket. [ he turns to face the camera ] Ove here?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Nick Rivers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

Nick Rivers

Bud Slim…..Neil Levy
Nick Rivers…..Bill Murray
…..Paul Shaffer
Sid…..Eddie Murphy
Mary Kay Lady #1…..Denny Dillon
Mary Kay Lady #2…..Gail Matthius
Marlene Cooper…..Yvonne Hudson

[ open on Bud Slim performing a card trick for a group of patrons on a riverboat ]

Bud Slim: So this guy says to me: “Hey, kid, come here! Let me see that deuce again.” I said, “Sure.” But the deuce had become… THREE aces. [ he holds up three aces ] [ the crowd cheers, as Nick Rivers rushes out ]

Nick Rivers: Let’s hear it for him! Our own Bud Slim. Let’s hear it for him!

[ Bud Slim exits ]

Nick Rivers: [ singing ]“Ohhhh, sailing!
Takes me awayyyyy to where I want to be…”

Oh, heck! I’m not gonna sing one of his songs, because the guy just walked out of town with all the Grammys! I’m talking about Chris Cross, of course. Hi! My name is Nick Rivers. I want to welcome you all to the Paddlewheel Lounge aboard the Riverboat Queen, and what a MAJESTIC lady she is as she plies the Mighty Mississippi. We’re awfully, awfully sorry about the engine trouble that developed upstream, and it’s too bad because we HAD hoped to be in New Orleans for Mardi Gras, but, unfortunately, we’re gonna be two-and-a-half days late. Well, sorry. No big deal! But, hey — I think that the Mardi Gras we had at the dock in Cincinnati was just as good, and I mean that. [ looking toward the crowd ] Hey, here’s our good buddy Sid now, with another round of juleps. How you doing, Brother Man?

Sid: Hey, what’s happening, Rick?

Nick Rivers: Hey, how about a fresh Scotch for me?

Sid: Oh, sorry, Rick. I checked it out, man, you gotta pay for your drinks.

Nick Rivers: [ he sighs ] Okay, well, thanks for trying anyway, okay? Appreciate it. Hey, everybody, take care of Sammy, because he’s had a tough life. You know, he’s a character…

[ singing ]“Who left a good job down in the city
He pumped a lot of tank down in New Orleans
But the dude never saw the good side of the city
‘Til he hitched a ride aboard the Riverboat Queen.
Big wheel keep on turnin’
Oh, Proud Mary keep on burnin’
He be rollin’
He be rollin’!
Said that dude be rollin’ on the river!”

[ the crowd applauds ]

Nick Rivers: You know, the South is known for its lovely, lovely, lovely ladies, and I know a couple of genuine Southern belles when I see them. [ he kneeles before two women at a table ] Tell us — where you all from?

Mary Kay Lady #1: Uh — Richton, Minnesota.

Nick Rivers: [ he chuckles ] Wild guess — you two… are SISTERS!

Mary Kay Lady #1: [ she chuckles ] Oh, no — actually, we’re, uh, southern Minnesota representatives for Mary Kay Cosmetics.

Mary Kay Lady #2: We just got back from a big meeting in Cincinnati, and we met Mary Kay herself — and I gotta tell you, she’s an inspiration!

Mary Kay Lady #1: After all thee years, she still has the face and figure of a teenager.

Nick Rivers: Her? What abot you two? [ the ladies gush ] Come on, hey! If anybody’s gonna score on this trip, it’s gonna be at this table, and you know it! You know, you ladies might be interested to know that tomorrow we stop at historic Vicksburg, the site of the famous Siege of 1863, or 4, or 5, or 61 or 62, one of those years — not really sure — when the grand ladies of the South, in order to survive, were forced to eat rat flesh. Wow. True story.

[ Sid re-enters the room ]

Nick Rivers: Uh, Sid — how about some of those teeny little weiners, for the girls at Mary Kay. Can we have that, please? Hey, what the heck — bring teeny weiners for everybody, okay? [ to the crowd ] Life is a party, huh?

[ singing ]“Now’s the time to come together
It’s up to you, WHAT’S your pleasure?
Everyone around the world,
It’s a celebration!
Come on, Pablo!”

[ Nick leans over Paul’s piano as they sing together ]

“Celebrate good times, COME HOME!
Celebrate good times, COME HOME!”

Nick Rivers: [ singing ] “It’s a cel-e-braaaaaaa-tion!”

[ the crowd cheers ]

Nick Rivers: Yeah, thank you! You know, this has been a year for celebration. How about those… hostages coming home? Come on, applause! [ the crowd applauds ] You know, I got a little surprise for ya’. The Captain tells me that we have a very special guest onboard… and I would like you all to meet her: One of the original American hostages in Iran… Miss Marlene Cooper. [ grabbing Marlene’s hand ] Come on, stand up, would you please, Marlene? Stand up. [ she stands ] EVERYBODY, UP! EVERYBODY UP! EVERYBODY UP, DAMMIT!! COME ON!! [ the crowd stands and applauds ] Okay, everybody down. Everybody down! [ the crowd sits ] Thank you. Welcome home, Marlene.

Marlene Cooper: Thanks.

Nick Rivers: The Lord’s been good to you, huh? I guess it must be pretty sweet to be back in the U.S.A., huh?

Marlene Cooper: Well… I’ve been home for about a year now.

Nick Rivers: [ taken aback by this news ] Oh, I see. You’re one of the Black hostages they sent back early.

Marlene Cooper: Yes. Well, they only held us for about four weeks.

Nick Rivers: Oh, I’m sorry. That’s kind of a tough break — no parade, no yellow ribbon, no welcome home whatsoever. That must have been a pretty tough… experience for you. Well, let me see if I can try a little… [ he kisses her forehead ] rescue, something for you.

[ singing ]“There ain’t nothin’ I can do!
Ain’t nothin’ I can say!
I’m comin’ to your emotional rescue.
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh!
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh!”

Thank you, thank you! You know, I’ve played most of the towns on this here river. I’ve been up and down this river, played most of the towns, but, unfortunately, I can’t go back to most of them. But Nick Rivers isn’t going to be floating on this river forever. I’m hoping like any entertainer, to get that… [ he crosses his fingers ] big break, in that big town where it’s all happening.

[ singing ]“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!!
If I can make it there
I’m gonna make it
It’s, up, to, yooooooouuu, Neeeeeeew Or-leans
Neeeeewwwww Or-leeeeeeeeans!”

Thank you!

[ camera pulls up and pans into the audience, stopping at a man with SUPER: “Ato Crash Test Dummy” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Script in Development

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

Script in Development

Author…..Bill Murray
Helen Stewart #1/Mrs. Lawnsdale/Maid…..Ann Risley
Helen Stewart #2…..Denny Dillon
Mr. Lawnsdale…..Charles Rocket
Mr. Stewart…..Matthew Laurance

[ open on Author seated at typewriter on a darkened set ]

Author: [ reciting ] “Love Is Rough — Chapter One”.

[ the set lights up ]

Author: “It was a beautiful night.” No. “It was a dark and stormy night.”

[ lightning flashes outside ]

Author: “Helen Stewart strode into her library… and caught her reflection in the mirror.”

[ Helen Stewart enters to the center of the room, looks around for the mirror and runs toward it ]

Author: “Short, cute, and blonde as a button.”

[ Helen #1 throws her arms up in disgust and trades places with the more appropriate Helen #2 ]

Author: “Just then, there was a knock at the door!”

[ a knock sounds at the door — Helen #2 runs over ]

Author: “It was Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale, coming over for their weekly bridge game.”

[ Helen opens the door to Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale ]

Author: No, that’s no good. Let’s get Mrs. Lawnsdale out of there.

[ Mrs. Lawnsdale throws up her arms in disgust and exits the room ]

Author: “It was just Carl Lawnsdale.” That’s it! “– who was Helen’s secret lover.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale goes to shake Helen’s hand, but then pulls her closer to him ]

Author: “Unable to restrain themselves any longer, they fell into a passionate embrace.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale bends over to kiss Helen ]

Author: “–on the couch.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale wraps Helen in his arms and hops her over to the couch ]

Author: “Carl moaned aloud:”

Mr. Lawnsdaler: Helen!

Author: “– and Helen moaned back:”

Helen: Carl!

[ they grunt in unison ]

Author: “But fate was not on their side. Because, at that moment, who should come rushing into the room, but Helen’s husband!”

[ Helen’s husband enters the room, as Helen and Mr. Lawnsdale bolt upright from the couch ]

Author: “– a tragic cripple from birth.”

[ the scene resets, as Helen’s husband hobbles comically into the room ]

Author: No, that’s no good. No, no, no, no — he was BLIND! “He was blind.”

[ Helen’s husband sits next to Helen and Mr. Lawnsdale on the couch and begins to motion his hands over their faces ]

Author: “Blinded with jealousy.”

[ Helen’s husband stands and steps back from the couple ]

Author: And, uh, “– pulled a GUN from his pocket and furiously snarled:”

Mr. Stewart: I don’t know WHICH of you to SHOOT!!

Author: “He chose his wife.”

[ the Jilted Husband shoots his wife — gun shot ]

Author: “She screamed –“

[ the Wife screams upon being shot ]

Author: “– and fell to the couch.”

[ she starts to fall away from the couch, but Mr. Lawnsdale pulls into the other direction and allows her to fall to the couch ]

Author: No, that’s no good. “Instead, he lets Old Man Lawnsdale have it.”

[ the Jilted Husband shoots Mr. Lawnsdale — gun shot ]

Author: Yeah, that’s it. “He — Lawnsdale falls to the ground.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale falls to the ground ]

Author: No, no, that’s no good. He, uh — he, uh — “He falls backwards over the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale looks toward the author like he’s insane, but complies with the storyline and sprawls across the edge of the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window — glass shatters ]

Author: No, I don’t like that, either. “Instead, he staggers around the room, wildly, blindly.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale stands up and staggers ] “Finally, smashing against the bookcase, pulling the entire works of Leo Tolstoy down on his crumpled, lifeless body.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale staggers into the bookcase, cradles the books into his arms and falls to the ground ]

Author: That’s good. Okay: “Helen is horrified, and lets out a scream.”

[ Helen screams ]

Author: “– a blood-curdling scream.”

[ Helen turns her scream up a notch ]

Author: “The most blood-curdling scream ever heard in the history of man.”

[ Helen screams with full intensity ]

Author: Okay, that’s it. “She belches and storms out of the room.”

[ Helen forces a burp and runs from the room gasping with her arms outstretched ]

Author: Uh — “Mr. Stewart laughs maniacally.”

[ he laughs maniacally ]

Author: “– and then slams himself right in the center of his foreheart with his right fist.”

[ confused, Mr. Stewart punches himself in the chest and the forehead ]

Author: Yeah! “Just then, alarmed by the noises coming from the room, the maid, Mimi van Boom rushes in.”

[ a pretty maid enters ]

Author: “She is pitifully old and ugly! no one can stand the sight of her! She smells and she stinks!”

[ Mr. Stewart cowers away, as the Maid slouches toward him ]

Author: “No one can stand her, that is, except Mr. Stewart, who is desperately in love with her.”

[ Mr. Stewart drops to one knee before the maid ]

Author: “– despite the fact that she sneezes constantly, has a tubercular cough, drools all over him, and brushes her dandruff into his face.”

[ the Maid performs all these disgusting habits over Mr. Stewart ]

Author: “But fate was NOT on their side! For at that moment, WHO should come dashing into the room… but HELEN!”

[ Helen rushes into the room ]

Author: She let out a yelp:”

[ Helen yelps ]

Author: Uh — “The discovered livers — l-l-l-livers — lovers — the LOVERS! — freeze in panic!”

[ the scene freezes, as the Author contemplates what he has written ]

Author: Let’s see… I don’t know about this. Let’s go over it.

[ Mr. Stewart drops the maid to the floor ] [ he rips the page from the typewriter, as the characters collect themselves and exit the set ]

Author: Alright. [ reading ] “It was a beautiful night.” No, no, no. “It’s a dark and stormy night.” [ lightning strikes ] Uh — “Helen comes into the room, she sees herself in the mirror –” [ the maid runs into the room and toward the mirror ] “She’s short, blonde, and cute as a button.” [ the Maid runs off as Helen takes her position ] “There’s a knock at the door.” [ a knock sounds from the door ] “It’s Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale –” No, no. “It’s just Carl Lawnsdale.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale enters the room ] “They’re secret lovers, they embrace, they fall on the couch — they moan, he moans, she moans.” [ moaning and grunting from the couch ] Uh — “Enter the husband.” [ Mr. Stewart enters ] “He’s crippled…” Uh, no, no, no, no. “He’s blind.” [ Mr. Stewart hobbles to the couch, then feels his wife’s face ] Uh — “He pulls out the gun, he shoots her, she falls on the couch.” [ Helen is shot ] No, no, no. “He shoots him!” [ Mr. Lawnsdale is shot ] “He falls on the ground…” No, no, no, no! “He falls backward over the couch and slams into the Plate-Glass window…” [ Mr. Stewart steps around the couch and smaskes the window with his fist ] No, that’s not right, either. “He staggers over the room, he falls over, goes into the bookcase, pulls down the books of Leo Tolstoy on the shelf.” [ Mr. Stewart falls from the bookcase ] “Just then, Helen belches and runs out of the room.” [ she runs ] “The man laughs, but maniacally punches himself in the head.” [ he laughs ] “The old bag maid comes into the room.” [ the Maid rushes in ] “She’s old, she’s ugly, she stinks, she smells, she drools, she dribbles, she rubs her dandruff all over his face. He loves her.” [ they embrace wildly ] Uh — “Then a woman comes into the room, she yelps!” [ Helen yelps ] [ the Author glances at this trash ]

Author: I don’t like this. It’s too artsy!

[ he crumples his page and puts a new sheet into the typewriter ]

Author: I need a whole new approach, I think. Let’s see… [ he types ] “I Gave My Heart to the Czar — Chapter One”.

[ the lights dim, as the characters exit the set ]

Author: “It was a dark and stormy night…”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts