Spokesman: Are you thinking about a career in television? In the exciting world of TV, it’s important to be prepared and look your sharpest whenever on camera! That’s why the FIRST step to a successful career in broadcasting is the Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading!
[ pull out to reveal the school’s sign on back wall ]
Spokesman: [ frequently glancing off-camera as he makes his pitch ] It’s a real art reading cue cards without letting the viewers at home know you’re doing it! I know it’s hard to believe… but I’m reading a cue card RIGHT NOW! That’s because I studied at the Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading! It’ll appear you’re looking STRAIGHT into the camera when you say things like “Hello!” and “Welcome to our show!” If you join now, you’ll receive a 10% discount to our affiliate: the Cable TV School of Camera Switching! Yeeeeeesss, the Cable TV SChool of Camera Switching! You’ll know what camera to look into —
[ he turns his head to glance at the camera currently on him, then the control room switches to the camera angle he was facing before ]
Spokesman: — and when!
[ he turns back to the appropriate camera, as the control room switches back to the other camera angle ]
Spokesman: Looks easy, doesn’t it? [ he keeps adjusting his head to find the correct camera ] That’s the Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading! Plus a 10% discount to the Cable TV School of Camera Switching! Join now! Here’s how!
[ cut to close-up of cue card with school address ]
Cue Card Boy: Send your name and address to:
“The Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading Post Office Box 100 New York, New York 9-double 9-99!”
[ as the camera pulls back to reveal the cue card boy, he keeps looking between the camera and his own cue card ] [ the camera pullback also reveals the Spokesman standing off to the side, and the camera angle remains static ]
Spokesman: Not affiliated with the Columbia Broadcast System!
Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail Matthius
…..Charles Rocket …..Gail Matthius David A. Stockman…..Gilbert Gottfried
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with co-anchors Charles Rocket and Gail Matthius.
Charles Rocket: Good evening, I’m Charles Rocket. Here now, the news.
Our top story: For the first time in his life, Frank Sinatra had a drink today with a man who does NOT have a nickname. Make a note of it!
Upon his arrival in Cebu City, Phillipines, The Pope said, and I’m quoting now, “The selfish pursuit of sexual pleasure and the fear of permanent committment are destructive forces and, as such, should be restricted to the state of California.
Gail Matthius: The United States postal service got approval to raise the price of a stamp to eighteen cents. The additional revenue will go toward improving their service. That means that now you’ll get the wrong mail a day earlier! [ no response ] Okay.
The drought continues in the Northeast. To make sure that all New Yorkers conserve water, Mayor Koch announced that the city is piping in all its water from Three Mile Island. In New Jersey, reservoir levels are so low that a woman in Newark turned on her sink, and out popped Jimmy Hoffa’s pinky ring. [ the audience groans ] It’s true.
Charles Rocket: Would you believe that this is a photo of a congressman’s wife? Well, it is! And this is how she’ll look in next month’s Playboy. Her name: Rita Jeanerette. Her husband: John Jeanerette, an ABSCAM victim, and, as you can see, apparently he needed the money for a breast lift. [ he stomps his feet ] Rita also revealed that she and her husband once made love on the steps of the Capitol Building. And, as many Washington insiders know, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Yes, Margaret Trudeau was frequently seen late at night in a skimpy negligee, slithering up to the Washington Monument. That’s not all! Yes, and there was Truman Capite, who once spent the night in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Oh, Truman, come on now, huh? Well, the pressure of Washington, I guess, leads to strange behavior.
In Las Vegas, fire marshalls have asked the city’s hotels to increase their fire safety standards. Well, Caesar’s Palace has come up with the quickest way to evacuate their guests. What do they do? Hey! I’ll answer that for you. They have installed smoke alarms that play a recording of Eddie Fisher singing “O, My Papa”!
Gail Matthius: The State Department announced that is is becoming more and more alarmed as Cuba continues to ship arms and weapons to the Communist guerrillas in El Salvador. The chances of american intervention are growing: Bob Hope is already practicing how to say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish! [ no response ] In Spanish.
Heavy fighting in El Salvador. Many casualties resulted when a guerrilla bugle boy panicked. Instead of sounding retreat, he played… The Best of Herb Alpert.
Charles Rocket: The latest trend in music — no, not Herb alpert! It’s coming from — of all places — Italy! Inspired by Jamaican rock, the new sound is called… Ragu music. Incidentally, it is performed by an Italian religious group called the… Pastafarians.
And now, budget director David A. Stockman with a message for the nation’s nearly needy. Mr. Stockman.
David A. Stockman: This week, a great many of you found out that you are not truly needy, but only nearly needy. In other words, you WON’T be getting food stamps any more. But I’ve come up with a new way you can earn back those food stamps and, at the same time, help fight crime. We call it the “Catch a Crook, Eat a Meal” program. How does it work? It’s simple. If you qualify as a nearly needy person, you can hunt down wanted criminals and turn them in for food stamps. Can you catch a mugger? If you can, we’ll give you enough foo stamps for a hearty breakfast of Ham and Eggs and all the coffee you can drink. Still hungry? Bring us an armed robber, and we’ll feed you for a week. And that’s not all. Gun down a suspected murderer, and we’ll give you $10,000 cash tomorrow, and you can forget about food stamps. If you only wound a suspect, and he gets away… you get nothing. For further details, this pamphlet. [ he holds up a pamphlet ] “Catch a Crook, Eat a Meal” is available at your post office, along with a list of wanted criminals and local nutjobs. Remember: We’ll double your stamps if you bring your suspect in alive.
Charles Rocket: Thank you, Mr. Stockman.
Well, this week Mr. Reagan announced other budget cuts, which included a 15% reduction in funding to the theater arts. When asked whether this would severely hamper the education of future performers, Mr. Reagan replied, and I’m quoting now: “Hey! I made it without learning how to act!”
Well, that wasn’t all. 83 big programs were whittled down to the bone, totaling over $41.4 billion in cuts. Food stamps, Medicaid, subsidized housing, child nutrition, student aid, mass transit, cuts, cuts, cuts that affect all of us! [ outraged ] Listen here, Ronnie, baby! If you want to save money, why don’t you have Nancy shop at Sears?! [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ]
Charles Rocket: Oh, and a lot of you are asking me right now, with mental telepathy: “Where’s Joe Piscopo, huh?” [ in Piscopo’s frantic style ] Okay, he’s at ringside with the super fight between Rocko Weineretto and challenger Weindulah! Which will be seen later, LIVE, on this evening’s program! For Gail Matthius and the entire “Weekend Update” team, I’m Charles Rocket. Good night, and… watch out.
Brian Doyle-Murray It Just Doesn’t MatterSummary: Bill Murray tells the worried cast to ignore SNL’s bad ratings and to adopt a laissez-faire attitude towards performing on tonight’s show.
Note: Despite Bill Murray’s pep talk, this would be the final episode for Gilbert Gottfried, Ann Risley, Charles Rocket, Matthew Laurance and Patrick Weathers, as well as writer/non-credited performer Mitchell Kriegman.
Bill Murray’s MonologueSummary: An excited Bill Murray tosses a woman in the audience over his shoulder. Eddie Murphy rushes out to stop his antics, whereupon the duo proclaim themselves a star-powered comedy team.
…..Chevy Chase …..Christopher Reeve …..Robin Williams
(Open on Robin Williams, Chevy Chase, and Christopher Reeve standing together on home base. Chevy admiringly has his arms around the two other men)
Chevy Chase: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a few extra seconds here and I just want to say a few words about–
(Chevy gets interupted by cheers and applause as he smiles and takes a bow while Robin makes a comedic gesture with his arm)
Chevy Chase: I just want to say for a few seconds about “Saturday Night Live”. Uh, it’s had its ups and downs. It’s had some great hosts. Uh, it’s uh…well, it’s on its way back up again and I know that some of my good friends are gonna back me up with that and I thank them for being with me tonight. Thank you for backing me and thanks for being with me.
(Robin and Christopher look at Chevy disapprovingly)
Christopher Reeve: [shaking his head] No, no.
Robin Williams: Uh, thanks. (They both walk off the stage)
Chevy Chase: Please? (points at the camera) I have friends. I have friends that will back me. Okay, how about Jr. Walker. Won eight gold records. You want to hear him? (Cheers and applause) All right. Okay.
[ open on interior, Bubba’s Wash Fayetta’s Dry, as the phone rings ]
Bubba Hightower: [ peeking out from behind a washing machine ] Fayetta, if that mouth of yours is empty for a change, could you grab the phone?
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: You never used to talk to me like that when we was married.
Bubba Hightower: When we was married, you was home like you supposed to be, instead of hanging around here making me worry over you half to death. Now, come on!
[ she stands to answer the ringing payphone ]
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Fayetta’s Wash, Bubba’s Dry. Yeah, hold on. [ to Bubba ] It’s that mangy thing from the diner, wanting you to waste some more of your MONEY on her!
Bubba Hightower: First off — it’s BUBBA’S Wash and Fayetta’s Dry! You know that! And second of all, anybody who’s seeing one of the lowlife Watson Brothers ain’t got NO reason to come down on ME! Huh, Miss Priss? [ into the phone ] Hey, Pretty Girl! Shoot, you about to run me ragged. I can’t keep up with you, you feisty thing! Well, that’s Old Spice — I’ve been wearing it for years. Yeah, there are about thirty women right here now beating my door down, you know?
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Hey, why don’t you let ’em out?!
Bubba Hightower: Excuse me, Sweetheart, but that sorry excuse of an ex-wife of mine’s having one of her STUPID fits. And the only known cure is shoving another one of them Payday bars down that highway of a throat of hers. I’ll call you back, Sweetest of Mine. [ he hangs up ] Fayetta, there is only ONE reason you are here. And that is because some greenhorn judge gave you one half of my hard-earned, operated laundromat! Now, just keep to your one-half — the dryers… and I will keep to my one-half — the washers! Okay?
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: No OKAY, Mr. Big Time! You keep to your dryers, and I’ll keep to my washers! What do you know about color-fast cottons?! You singlehandedly bleached the star right off Ed Carruthers’ Texaco shirt! She had to send all the way to Lobo for a new one!
Bubba Hightower: Oh, THAT’S it, Fayetta! [ he puts up his dukes ] Dig in! Come on, dig in! Dig in!
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Well, now you KNOW you never been the same since you got that shrapnel in your head! If I was you, I’d go SUE the U.S. Army and tell them to put your head back on right!
Bubba Hightower: Don’t start on my plate! My plate is MY plate! Don’t start on my plate!
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Did you tell your little piece of White Christmas trash that you can pick up pieces of PAUL HARVEY and bits and pieces of CLEVELAND without ever going near no radio?!
Bubba Hightower: She don’t — she don’t CARE about my plate! She cares about ME, Bubba Hightower! She don’t even know about no plate!
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Oh, she don’t even KNOW?!
Bubba Hightower: No!
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: She don’t even know that if she takes up with YOU, she’s gonna be spending the night with Radio-Free Europe?! She don’t even know that she’s gotta line all your HATS with a HALF-INCH of industrial fiberglass?! And does she even CARE about who’s who in Phillipine nightlife?!
Bubba Hightower: [ fuming ] Well, at least I ain’t UGLY!! [ he turns his back ] — Like that Pillsbury Doughboy you’ve been serenading! Why don’t he wear clothes that fit? He get ’em from H.E.W., or something?
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Well!
Bubba Hightower: He always looks like ten pounds of potatoes in a five-pound sack!
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Well, now, Bubba, it don’t matter what he looks like on the outside, ’cause his insides is always PURE and UPLIFTING all the time!
Bubba Hightower: Oh, is thaaaat riiiiight? [ hopping around the room ] Is thaaaat riiight? Miss Fayetta. Lurlene. Dawson. Hightower. Dawson, again! Oh, well! I just happen to PICK UP that ol’ Watson boy — the fat doughboy — on my plate the other day, and he was talking about you — and what he said can’t be repeated by no Christian.
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: What’d he say?
Bubba Hightower: No, Ma’am, I — I ain’t talking.
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Well, you was talking a MINUTE ago, Mr. Smarty! Now, OPEN your mouth and TALK!! I said TALK!!
Bubba Hightower: I said “No!”, Fayetta, and I think I’d better mean “No!” So go on, now, about your business and leave me alone.
[ Bubba crosses the room as Fayetta stands to retrieve laundry from a dryer ]
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Bubba? Was he making fun of me?
Bubba Hightower: [ fiddling with his wrench ] Yeah.
[ contemplative silence ]
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Yuo know what I miss most? Matching up your socks.
[ Bubba puts down his wrench and approaches Fayetta, smiling ]
Bubba Hightower: He don’t wear Old Spice, do he?
[ Fayetta shakes her head no ]
Bubba Hightower: Oh, damn it.
[ Bubba kneels down, kisses Fayetta passionately and crashes his back onto a dryer ] [ the radio voice of Paul Harvey pipes into the air ]
Voice of Paul Harvey: Page Two — Cost of Living…
Bubba Hightower: Alright, quick, Fayetta — get my hat, will you?
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Well, now, you know absent-minded me — I threw ’em all away!
Bubba Hightower: I’ll kill you!
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Why don’t you tell your little piece of White Christmas trash to get a hat for you, honey!
Bubba Hightower: I’ll kill you! I swear, I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you! Where’s the hat?!
[ Bubba chases Fayetta around the table, as the camera pulls back with SUPER: “Coming Up: Celibacy: The New EXcuse” ] [ fade ]
[ open on Mike and Tim eating dinner at the table ]
Mike: Oh — I’ve had enough, I’m stuffed! That was the BEST scrambled eggs I’ve ever had, Tim. That was good.
Tim: The secret is to throw in a little minced onion.
Mike: Yeah? Well, I wish Louise could cook eggs like this, I’ll tell ya’.
Tim: By the way, how is Louise?
[ soap opera music flourishes ]
Mike: Louise? She’s, uh — she’s fine. Why? I just took her to a movie last night. We went to see “Cannibal Women”. Have you seen that? Real boring.
Tim: What about your dance committee?
[ soap opera music flourishes ]
Mike: What about the dance committee?
Tim: Madge told me she had to help Louise last night with some dance committee problems.
Mike: No, no. There’s no problem with the dance committee.
Tim: Madge said she had to go over to your HOUSE, to help Louise with some problems with the DANCE committee!
Mike: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah… the dance committee. Look, uh — I’ll tell you, uh — I went to bed early, so she must have come in after I went to bed, Tim…
Tim: [ standing ] DAMMIT, Mike! [ music sting ] Don’t cover for her! Don’t you start lying to me, too, okay?! You expect your best friend to tell you the truth!
Mike: Look, Tim. I mean, how was I supposed to —
[ the music flourishes as Madge, a monkey, enters the kitchen and climbs on the table ]
Mike: Morning, Madge. You’re looking, uh — you’re looking well. I was just telling Tim you were — Louise and I are joining a health club next week. Maybe you’d like to join us, or… maybe you wouldn’t.
[ Tim kisses Madge on the cheek ]
Mike: Well, look, Tim, I gotta get running, okay? I can’t hang around. Madge, it was nice seeing you again, take care. Uh, I gotta run. I’ll see you later.
[ Mike exits the house, as Madge pells a banana and drops the peel on the floor ]
Tim: Weren’t you the least bit surprised to see Mike Short here this morning? [ music sting ] No? Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?
[ Madge ignores Tim and peels another banana ]
Tim: Why is it, that whenever I confront you with ANYTHING like this, you say nothing? Look, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to control your life, I… I just want to know what you were doing until four in the morning. That’s right, I was awake when you came in last night. I heard you stumbling around downstairs. You, of all people, stumbling. Were you drunk? Were you high on some sort of drug?
[ Madge grabs the lid of a sugar bowl and begins to sniff it ]
Tim: Madge — [ cracking up ] Madge, don’t you see what I’m trying to DO here?! I’m trying to save our MARRIAGE! I’m trying to save our FAMILY!
[ suddenly, crying is heard offscreen ] [ soap opera music flourishes ]
Tim: Maggie’s awake.
[ Tim exits the kitchen ] [ he re-enters with a baby monkey who’s desperately trying to hold onto the stagehand behind the setpiece, to the point of yanking both of them back behind the setpiece ] [ Tim returns to the table alone, as the baby monkey screeches off-camera ] [ cut back to catch the stagehand pushing the baby monkey back onto the set ] [ Tim picks up the baby monkey, as the audience erupts into thunderous applause ]
Tim: Now you’re trying to turn our child against me! [ he puts the baby monkey on the floor, then turns to Madge ] Look at you! Look at the bags under your eyes! Madge, when is this nightmare going to end? And what about your mother? If this marriage were to break up, it would kill her. It’s the same thing… every morning, you’re too tired because you’ve been out half the night. What have you been telling her?
[ the phone rings ]
Tim: Of course, I’ll have to get it, right?
[ Tim answers the phone to a monkey screeching on the line ]
Tim: Hello? Hello? Who is this? Hello? Hello!
[ the monkey on the line hangs up ] [ Madge purses her lips ]
Tim: He hung up! Madge, he hung up! Who was that man?! [ dramatic soap opera music soars ] Madge! I… can’t take this any more! [ crying ] Who was that man?! Is there somebody else?
Announcer: Tune in next week, for the continuing saga… “I Married a Monkey”.
Richard … Bill Murray Marilyn … Ann Risley Ron … Matthew Laurance
[Richard and Marilyn rush up breathlessly to the doorof their friend Ron’s apartment.]
Marilyn: You were driving like a maniac. What,are we late?
Richard: No. We made it. Barely. I – I justdon’t like to keep people waiting.
Marilyn: All right, all right.
Richard: Okay. [Marilyn starts to ring thedoorbell] Wait! Honey! What is Ron’s cat’s name? [shecan’t remember – neither can he – they are instantlystressed out] Oh. The cat? The cat’s name?
Marilyn: [thinking] Ohhhhh. Ahhhh.
Richard: Oh, no. Gee.
Richard: Oh, I can’t believe it. I can’tbelieve I can’t remember the cat’s name.
Marilyn: The cat. The cat. It sent us that, uh,crossword puzzle book for Christmas.
Richard: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, the cat. I mean, Ican’t believe it. What’s the cat’s name? Wait. Thename – the name was on the Christmas card. Wait asecond. [remembering] “Happy Santa Claus Day from Ron… and …”
[But they draw a blank, continuing to moan and sighand contort their faces. As they struggle, breathingheavily, the apartment door opens and Ron appearscarrying his fluffy white cat.]
Ron: I thought I heard you two outhere!
Richard: [embarrassed] Hello, Ron.
Marilyn: [chuckles self-consciously]
Ron: [off the cat] I got somebody who wants tosay hello to you.
Ron: Come on in, come on in, come onin.
[Richard and Marilyn enter the apartment as Ronmentions their names (for the benefit of the cat?).Ron, a pleasant host, barely notices his guests’severe discomfort and numerous exchanged glancesthroughout the sketch.]
Ron: Marilyn. Dick.
[The couple sits on the sofa. Ron leans over betweenthem holding the cat.]
Richard: [jovially, off the cat] Hey, lookwho’s here.
Richard: [jokingly] Gee, I don’t recognize thatcat.
Ron: [amused] No?
Richard: Who IS that cat?
Ron: [laughs, to Marilyn, off Richard] What akidder this guy is!
Richard: I don’t think I recall thatcat.
Marilyn: [playing along] Uh uh! Neither doI!
Richard: [takes cat from Ron] Hey, somebody’sgot a little bit bigger here.
Marilyn: Oh, yeah.
Richard: [inspecting the cat’s genitalia todetermine its gender] This, uh, this cat looks like,uh, she’s about ready to have kittens – or be thefather of kittens or something.
Ron: Nah, nah.
Richard: Can’t tell.
Ron: Nah, I’m just, uh, I’m feeding her moresteak and hamburger. You know.
Richard: Oh, she’s eatin’ steak? She didn’talways eat steak.
Ron: No, no, she didn’t.
Richard: When you – When you first started withher, you used to feed her–
Ron: Yeah? [takes back the cat] Come here, comeon.
Richard: What was it you used to say to her?You had something that you said and– Oh, ‘memberthat? What you used to say to her when you fedher?
Ron: I can’t believe you remember that.
Richard: Yeah, oh, yeah.
Marilyn: Yeah, yeah.
Ron: I can’t believe it.
Ron: I used to say …
Ron: [playfully, to the cat] “What do YOU wantfor DINNER?!”
[Marilyn forces a laugh, Richard looks downcast, rollshis eyes.]
Ron: That right?
Marilyn: Yeah. Do you still have those kittydishes you used to have?
Richard: [with gusto] With the name onit!
Ron: Yeah. Sure. I got her new ones,though.
Marilyn: Oh, new ones?!
Richard: Oh, you did? New ones? [excited] Canwe see ’em?!
Marilyn: Uh, in the kitchen, right?
Richard: Great! Let’s go in there!
[Richard and Marilyn bolt off the sofa and rush forthe kitchen but Ron intercepts them.]
Ron: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.Don’t go in there. Don’t go in there. I’m preparingsomething very special for dinner, I don’t want you tosee. Back up. Back up.
[Richard and Marilyn reluctantly return to the sofaand sit.]
Marilyn: Oh, oh. It’s a surprise.
Ron: That’s it. I’m gonna go get the drinks.Okay? [hands Marilyn the cat as she and Richard nodand chuckle nervously] Okay, stingers, right?
Marilyn: All right. Right.
[Ron exits, leaving Richard and Marilyn with the cat.They are extremely distressed as they wrack theirbrains.]
Richard: Okay, all right, it’s a name. I thinkit’s a human name. Uhhhh, uhhhh.
Marilyn: It’s on the DAMN DISH in thekitchen!
Richard: Ah, it’s a name. It’s the name of acartoon or a movie or something like that. [takes thecat, talks to it] Popeye?
Marilyn: No, no.
Richard: Popeye? Popeye?
Richard: Damien?! Damien?!
Marilyn: No. No, no.
Marilyn: No, no. Ah, Lolita!
Richard: It’ll come to us. It’ll come to us.
Marilyn: I’m going crazy. I can’t even thinkstraight.
[Ron returns with a tray of vodka stingers.]
Marilyn: [trying to summon enthusiasm] Allright!
Richard: Those look great.
Richard: Oh ho, those look good. Go forit.
[Richard and Marilyn down their drinks instantly.]
Ron: [to the cat] None for you.
[Richard and Marilyn hand their empty glasses back toRon to get rid of him.]
Richard: Could I have another, please?
Marilyn: Yeah. Me, too.
Ron: [startled] Yeah. Sure. Sure.
[Richard and Marilyn chuckle nervously as Ronexits.]
Marilyn: I hate that cat.
Richard: My eyes are watering likecrazy!
[Richard and Marilyn pull fur off theirclothes.]
Marilyn: Look at my dress — it’s my favoritedress!
Richard: Your dress? [off the fur] Look atthis! Look at this! Look at this!
Marilyn: When we came in–
Richard: We’re gonna have to burn theseclothes. We’re gonna smell like cat urine andeverything else.
Marilyn: When we came in the door, did yousmell that? I mean, it almost knocked me over! Doesn’the ever change the litter box? It’s like a zoo inhere.
Richard: How old is this cat? Isn’t it gonnadie soon?
Marilyn: I don’t–
[Ron returns without the stingers.]
Ron: [explains, pleasantly] We’re gonna have togo get some more creme de menthe!
Marilyn: I love this kitty.
Ron: [picks up the cat] Come here,baby.
Richard: [sudden inspiration, to Ron] CAN I USEYOUR PHONE?!
Ron: Yeah. Sure.
Richard: Thank you!
Ron: Go ahead, Rich.
[Richard leaps up, runs to phone in background, anddials a number as Marilyn tries to get Ron out of theroom. She picks up Ron’s unfinished stinger.]
Marilyn: Uh, could I – could I have an olive inthis?
Ron: An olive? In – in a vodka stinger?
[Ron laughs and hands Marilyn the cat as he takes thestinger from her.]
Marilyn: It’s great.
Ron: Okay. [rises, heads for thekitchen]
Marilyn: It’s the best, it really is.
Ron: Ohhh, we’re havin’ some time, huh?
Marilyn: Yeah, havin’ some time.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Jill!It’s Richard. [checks to see that Ron is gone] What’sRon’s cat’s name? No, no, no. That’s his – that’s hisex-wife. What is his cat’s name? Yeah, it’s a movie orsomething like that.
Marilyn: Call Andrea.
Richard: [into the phone] Would Andrea know?I’ll try her.
[Richard hangs up as Ron returns with the stinger forMarilyn.]
Richard: [intense, to Ron] MAY I MAKE ANOTHERPHONE CALL?!
Ron: [to Richard] Yeah, sure. Noproblem.
[Richard instantly picks up and dials as Ron handsMarilyn the drink.]
Marilyn: [to Ron] Thanks. [sips drink]
Marilyn: [to Ron, off the drink] Oh, it’s greatnow.
Ron: [picks up the cat] Come here. Come here.Come back here.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Andrea?It’s Richard. I’m here with Ron. And his cat.
Ron: [to Marilyn] You wanna see somethin’great?
Marilyn: [to Ron] Yeah.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Hiscat. You know, the white cat.
Ron: [to Marilyn] If you say this cat’s name,she’ll smile at you.
Marilyn: [to Ron] Nooooo. Noooooo.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Youknow, you know, the cat that smiles when you say itsname, Andrea.
Ron: [to Marilyn] Yeah! Yeah! I swear.
Marilyn: [to Ron] Go on, say it!
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice]Andrea…
Ron: [to Marilyn] No, no, no, no. I want YOU tosay it.
Marilyn: [to Ron] Nooooo, nooo, nooo.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Thewhite cat. Ron’s white cat that’s all over thehouse.
Ron: Go on. Go ahead and say it.
Marilyn: [to Ron] I don’t believe she can dothat.
Ron: [to Marilyn] She can do it. She can doit.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice]Andrea… [completely loses it, to the astonishment ofRon and Marilyn] What is the DAMN CAT’S NAME?! WHAT ISIT?! WHAT IS THE CAT’S NAME?! WHAT IS RON’S CAT’SNAME?! THE CAT THAT SMILES WHEN YOU SAY ITSNAME?! … BECAUSE I WANT IT TO SMILE,THAT’S WHY!!!! WHAT’S THE DAMN CAT’S NAME?![beat] THANK YOU!! [hangs up, suddenly affectionateand friendly, to the cat] Hello, Herman!
[Ron and Marilyn exchange happy glances and look atthe cat. Richard has apparently made Hermansmile.]
Ron: [to Richard] You did it!
Richard: [points to Herman] He smiled! He’ssmiling!
[Dissolve to a wider view of the set with cameras,mikes and the applauding crowd visible. A superimposedtext reads: Coming Up: JEAN HARRIS SHOOTING DR.J.]
[ open on exterior, Studio 8-H, as Chevy Chase enters the hallway to thunderous audience applause ] [ Chevy approaches a Storeroom closet, looks around, then opens the door ] [ as he does, Denny Dillon suddenly exits ]
Chevy Chase: What, uh — what happened to my dressing room?
Denny Dillon: Well, uh, Chevy, you see… NBC had to tighten their belts a little — you know, cut back on budget — so we all dress in there now.
Chevy Chase: Oh, yeah?
Denny Dillon: Turn off the light when you leave, okay?
Chevy Chase: Okay.
[ Denny walks away, the elongated feather in her hat tickling its way across Chevy’s nose, prompting him to sneeze into his hand helplessly ] [ Chevy enters the storeroom to find 70’s-era SNL props and costumes ]
Chevy Chase: Oh, wow… [ he touches various props ] Coneheads… [ he spots his Land Shark head, covered in cobwebs ] Ah! [ he sticks his hand through the head and mumbles ] “Mrs….?”
[ suddenly, the sound of Mr. Bill mumbling in a trash heap can be heard, so Chevy digs him out of the pile of cobwebbed beer cans ]
Mr. Bill: Oh, boy! Chevy! Thanks a lot for taking me out of there! I didn’t think anyone would EVER find me!
Chevy Chase: Oh, Mr. Bill… what — what happened to you?
Mr. Bill: Oh, well, gee! We had a big party at the end of last season, and, oh, I guess I drank too much and I must have passed out!
Chevy Chase: Oh…
Mr. Bill: And when I came to, I was trapped in here and couldn’t get out!
Chevy Chase: Oh, you poor little fellow! Well, gee, everybody’s been wondering what the heck you’ve been doing!
Mr. Bill: That’s right! I was supposed to do a whole lot of important things before I got trapped in here. Boy, I bet Benjy is real mad at me — I was supposed to co-star with him in a movie! I sure hope they got a decent replacement.
Chevy Chase: [ stung ] Uh — it’s a SILLY idea anyway, Mr. Bill! [ he peels Mr. Bill’s nose off and tosses it over his shoulder ] I’m sure it wasn’t important
Mr. Bill: So, uh, Chevy, uh — am I late for the new season?
Chevy Chase: Well… yeah, you’re a little late, but they all are! [ he grabs Mr. Bill ] Gee, Mr. Bill…
Mr. Bill: Be careful.
Chevy Chase: I get this feeling they just don’t have the time for old-timers like us any more. The fans just don’t care that much.
Mr. Bill: Oh, now come on, Chevy! Don’t feel that way. Hey, look — we can make a comeback, huh? Hey, you know, they were even talking to me about anchoring “Weekend Update”! Say! Maybe you can do those funny faces behind me like you used to, huh? Hey, that’d be funny!
Chevy Chase: [ poking Mr. Bill roughly in the belly ] That’s a FUNNY idea! Ha ha ha ha! [ he tweaks Mr. Bill’s face viciously ]
Mr. Bill: Hey, wait! Hey, hey! Watch that! Hey, Chevy, come on!
Chevy Chase: I’ll tell you something, Mr. Bill — I don’t think they really care about slapstick any more. Hey, by the way — [ he begins to hammer Mr. Bill against his palm, the clay man’s head flying ]
Mr. Bill: Hey! Hey, wait! Hey, uh… Chevy… I’m down on the floor. Could you help me?
Chevy Chase: [ looking around ] Oh. Sorry, Mr. Bill. [ he picks up his clay head ] I almost lost you for a second!
Mr. Bill: Listen, Chevy, um — um —
Chevy Chase: You must be exhausted.
[ Chevy attempts to put Mr. Bill’s nose back, dislodging his head in the process ]
Mr. Bill: Listen, have you seen my dog, Spot, lately? I sent him for help last year!
Chevy Chase: Spot? I — I’ll look around.
[ Chevy takes a step back, as we hear a muffled dog bark ]
Chevy Chase: Whoa-oh!
Mr. Bill: Hey, what?! What was that Spot?
Chevy Chase: I don’t know. I stepped on something?
[ Chevy turns his shoe over to reveal a flattened Spot ]
Mr. Bill: Oh, noooo!!
Chevy Chase: Oh!
Mr. Bill: Hey, Chevy! You ought to be more careful where you step!
Chevy Chase: [ hopping around ] I — I can get him off! Don’t you worry about a thing.
[ Chevy grabs the Samurai sword to scrape Spot off his shoe ]
Mr. Bill: Hey, you watch that sword, Chevy!
Chevy Chase: I’ll just get him off, don’t worry.
Mr. Bill: No, no, watch out! Leave him alone!
Chevy Chase: [ losing his balance ] Tell you what, you relax here —
Mr. Bill: Hey, watch out, be careful!
Chevy Chase: I’m not gonna step on him again!
[ Chevy grabs a clothes rack and topples over backwards ]
Mr. Bill: Oh, nooooo!!! Ohhhhh!!!
[ crumpled amidst all the props, Chevy glances at the camera and shouts ]
Chevy Chase: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[ open on title card, as routine florist activity takes place in the background — florists wrap flowers in paper, carry pots in from the back room, etc. ] [ meanwhile, a Customer window-gazes outside in the snow before deciding to come inside ]
Florist: Good morning. What can we do for you?
Customer: I’m looking for something, uh, special.
Florist: Something special? Uh, what — like a mink coat? Something like that, or have you considered flowers this morning?
Customer: Something, uh — something unusual, perhaps. Uh, out of the ordinary. Not your run of the mill.
Florist: Well, we’ve got some Washington State daffodils this morning. These are very fresh, picked them off myself.
Customer: Mmm-hmm, no.
Florist: California iris.
Florist: California tiger lilies?
Florist: I got — what do you want, spiders? I got glads. I got carnations. Miniature carnations.
Customer: No, I’m looking for something more unusual.
Customer: Mmm-hmm. Could you show me something?
Florist: Sure. What, are you going to a funeral or something? You’re kind of sad this morning. You’re depressing me!
Customer: No, no. I just want something kind of special, kind of unusual, something less pedestrian.
Florist: Less pedestrian? You come in off the street, you don’t want something pedestrian, huh? [ he chuckles ] Okay, come on. How about a bird of paradise? You know a bird of paradise?
Customer: Well, let’s see.
[ the Florist holds up the flower ]
Florist: Bird of paradise. This isn’t unusual enough for you?
[ the Customer sniffs the flower ]
Florist: [ he chuckles ] Alright. Well, I’m sorry, we’re gonna have to put you to bed. [ he holds up another flower ] White Pinocchios.
Customer: No, no. I’m looking for something a little more, uh… exotic.
Florist: [ thinking ] Exotic?
[ cut to the two men in another part of the shop ]
Florist: You don’t have any allergies, do you?
Florist: [ acknowledging a row of flowers ] These are irises. I suppose you wouldn’t like any of this kind of stuff.
Florist: Heathers. This is pretty. Some people think it’s pretty.
Florist: These are nice glads. They’re fresh. I took ’em off myself.
Florist: Here — these are freshia. Try these. Get a whiff of these, get in there.
Customer: [ sniffing ] Mmm-hmm.
Florist: Ah, good? Now, try the yellow ones — those are really good!
Customer: I don’t — I don’t think —
Florist: Alright, over here. Try these mums. These are fragrant, these are really fragrant.
[ cut to the Florist walking to the Customer to a door in the back ]
Florist: Alright. This should be it.
[ the Florist disappears through the door, then re-emerges moments later with a bouquet ]
Florist: These are African daisies.
Customer: [ impressed ] Ohhhh… it’s beautiful! This is EXACTLY what I want!
Florist: [ picking a long stem ] Alright. How many would you like?
Customer: Just the one.
Florist: [ miffed ] Alright. Give me five bucks.
[ the Customer hands over the money ]
Florist: Okay, you want me to wrap it?
Customer: No, I’ll eat it here.
[ the Customer salts the petals, then shoves the flower into his mouth ]
[ the customer hands his salt shaker to the Florist and walks away ] [ confused, the Florist sniffs the petals of one of the petals and takes a bite of his own; he tries it with the salt, and continues eating as the credits roll ]