SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

November 15th, 1980

Elliot Gould

Kid Creole & The Coconuts

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Elliot & Gail & Charles & Ann & Joe & Gilbert & DennySummary: In a scene reminiscent of “Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice”, Elliot Gould wakes up in bed with the new cast members, compares them to the original cast members, then answers their questions about SNL’s glory days.

Transcript

MontageNote: Elliot Gould was unaware that the original cast and crew had left SNL, and was surprised to find himself surrounded by all new faces when he entered Studio 8-H.

Elliot Gould’s MonologueSummary: Elliot Gould shows off his old underwear to the audience, then swap pieces with Denny Dillon.

Also Hosted: 75i, 75v, 76s, 78i, 79k.

Transcript

A Public Service Announcement: Highway EducationSummary: Highway billboards contain the text for classic novels, with new dialogue made available along each passing mile.

Transcript

Cheering Up JimmySummary: Rosalynn Carter (Ann Risley) convinces Jimmy (Joe Piscopo) that he should be glad he lost the election, because now they can have sex again.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter, Rosalynn Carter, Amy Carter.

Transcript

Singing Billy-GramSummary: A cohabitating couple (Elliot Gould, Ann Risley) receive a singing Billy-Gram (Charles Rocket).

Transcript

American Cancer SocietySummary: A topless Gail Matthius demonstrates how women can self-examine themselves for breast cancer.

Bio: Though Gail Matthius (1953-) failed to make an impact during “SNL”‘s ill-fated sixth season, she would find more success off-screen as a voice actress for animated children’s shows like “Animaniacs” and “Tiny Toon Adventures.”

Transcript

What’s It All AboutSummary: Pinky (Denny Dillon) and Leo Waxman (Gilbert Gottfried) interview Elliot Gould.

Recurring Characters: Pinky Waxman, Leo Waxman.

“Foot Fetish”Summary: In a film by Randal Kleiser, a pair of shoes have sex on the beach.

Kid Creole & The Coconuts perform “Mister Softee”Bio: Kid Creole and the Coconuts are August Darnell and a glamorous trio of female backing vocalists that includes his wife Adriana Kaegi and vibraphone player Andy Hernandez (Coati Mundi). Their music incorporated many different styles of music, among them, Caribbean/Latin American salsa and disco.

Weekend Update with Charles RocketSummary: Gail Matthius tries to avoid telling John Anderson (Joe Piscopo) that he lost the election. In his first “Rocket Report”, Charles Rocket seeks gossip on the new album by John Lennon and Yoko Ono. In his new book, author Barry Grosscup (Gilbert Gottfried) makes the claim that Ronald Reagan is already dead.

Transcript

At One With…Summary: Sgt. Steve Brick (Joe Piscopo) drills Cpl. Peter Thomas (Charles Rocket) of the Gay Brigade.

Transcript

“Heart To Heart”Summary: In a film by Mitchell Kriegman, a man (Mitchell Kriegman) can’t seem to put his finger on what’s changed in his relationship, as different actresses portray his girlfriend.

SNL SportsSummary: Joe Piscopo delivers the play-by-play at the nose wrestling match between Scottie Bockman (Elliot Gould) and James Walker (Charles Rocket).

Vickie’s DateSummary: Vickie (Gail Matthius), the Valley girl teenager, has a dinner date with 40 year-old Mark Doyle (Elliott Gould).

Recurring Characters: Vickie.

Transcript

The Accordian KillerSummary: A detective (Gail Matthius) goes undercover to trap Chuck LeVinto (Charles Rocket), AKA The Accordion Killer.

Transcript

Kid Creole & The Coconuts perform “There But For The Grace of God Go I”

“Gidgette Goes To Hell”Summary: In a Suburban Lawns music video directed by Jonathan Demme, Gidgette is eaten by a shark while surfing in the ocean.

Speed ListeningSummary: Spokeswoman (Denny Dillon) doubly relaxes by speedreading a book and listening to classical music at an accelerated rate.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: The Accordian Killer


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1








80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

The Accordian Killer

Captain…..Elliott Gould
Detective…..Gilbert Gottfried
Susan…..Ann Risley
Chuck LeVinto…..Charles Rocket
Gail…..Gail Matthius

[ open on interior, police station, Captain’s office, as Detective enters ]

Detective: Bad news, sir. Another woman has been found slain on the Upper West Side.

Captain: [ snaps his finger ] That’s the sixth one this week! They find anything in the apartment?

Detective: Ah, just this sheet music. “Roll Out the Barrel”.

Captain: [ examining the sheet music ] That woman wasn’t just murdered — she was POLKAED to death!

Detective: You’re saying he’s — ?

Captain: Yes, I am! Only one person can be responsible for such a GHASTLY crime! Only ONE man could be so CRUEL, so VICIOUS, so SADISTIC! As long as he’s loose, no woman is safe. I’m talking about… [ he faces the camera for a quick zoom ] The Accordian Killer!

[ dissolve to interior, Susan’s apartment, as the title card superimposes on screen ] [ doorbell buzzes ] [ Susan rises to answer the door ]

Susan: Who is it?

Chuck LeVinto: It’s Chuck LeVinto! Your computer date!

[ Susan opens the door, as Chuck enters with flowers and a case ]

Susan: Oh, hi! [ she giggles ] I’m Susan. It’s nice to meet you.

Chuck LeVinto: [ holding out his flowers ] These are for you!

Susan: Ohhh…

Chuck LeVinto: It’s so rare to meet someone with the same interests as you.

Susan: [ she giggles ] I know what you mean! Come in.

[ they sit down next to one another on the couch ]

Susan: Boy, I’m really glad this computer put us together.

Chuck LeVinto: It really is amazing! ‘Cause, like… well… you like movies, a-and I like movies. Aaaand you like music, and I LOVE music! We were MADE for each other!

Susan: I hope so.

Chuck LeVinto: I-I-I do impressions! Do you want to hear one?

Susan: Sure.

Chuck LeVinto: This one’s my favorite — it’s my main guy, Lawrence Welk: “Tank you, tank you, tank you! That was Bobby and Cissum, with his musical tribute to World War Eye!”

[ she laughs pleasantly ]

Chuck LeVinto: A-and now it’s time for an accordian tune!

[ he unlocks his case and pulls out an accordian ]

Susan: [ worried ] No, no! No, please! Please put that away!

Chuck LeVinto: What’s the matter? Don’t you like the accordian?

Susan: Wait! Wait, I know who you are! I read about you in the papers! Please don’t hurt me! I’ll give you all my money! I promise I won’t tell anyone!

Chuck LeVinto: But the accordian… is a NICE instrument! [ maniacally stroking the accordian ] It’s a fine instrument! It’s a BAND by itself!

Susan: PLEASE!! NO, NO!! DON’T! PLEASE! NO!

Chuck LeVinto: Perhaps you’d like to hear “Lady of Spain”!

Susan: NO!!!

[ he begins to play the meddlesome tune ]

Susan: NO, NO!! PLEASE, DON’T!

[ she holds her ears, but still drops dead to the floor as Chuck smiles satisfactorily ] [ dissolve to Captain’s office, as he shakes his head while reading the murder report in the newspaper ]

Detective: Looks like The Accordian Killer has struck again.

Captain: [ thrusting the paper on his desk ] Poor girl didn’t have a chance!

Detective: How can we stop him?

Captain: We’ve got to set a TRAP! And I think we’ve got JUST the right person for that.

Detective: Who is he?

Captain: Not he — SHE!

[ dissolve to interior, Susan’s apartment, now occupied by Gail ] [ doorbell buzzes ] [ Gail rises to answer the door ]

Gail: Who is it?

Chuck LeVinto: It’s Chuck LeVinto! Your computer date!

[ Gail opens the door, as Chuck enters with flowers and a case ]

Gail: Hi! I’m Gail. Nice to meet you.

Chuck LeVinto: Hi! [ holding out his flowers ] These are for you!

Gail: Ohhh…

Chuck LeVinto: It’s so rare to meet someone with the same interests as you.

Gail: [ she smiles ] I know what you mean! Come on in.

Chuck LeVinto: Thanks!

[ they sit down next to one another on the couch ]

Chuck LeVinto: [ apprehensive ] You like movies… and I like movies. [ he opens his case ]

Gail: [ cutting him off ] You like music — I like music!

Chuck LeVinto: [ stumbling ] You know, I haven’t missed a single “Lawrence Welk Show”! Ever NEVER!

Gail: [ setting the trap ] I really like his music!

Chuck LeVinto: [ surprised ] You do? Maybe you’d like to hear a song on the accordian.

Gail: I’d love to!

Chuck LeVinto: D-do you have a special song?

Gail: Uh — “Lady of Spain”, of course!

Chuck LeVinto: “L-L-L-Lady of Spain”?!

[ he begins to play the meddlesome tune ] [ Gail covers her ears and shudders, then jumps up and points a gun at Chuck ]

Gail: Alright, that’s enough!! I’m with the police! Yuor playing days are over!

Chuck LeVinto: [ ignoring her ] You can’t make me stop!

Gail: Alright, I’m warning you!

[ Chuck inores her and continues playing the accordian ]

Gail: OKAY, GUYS!!! GET HIM!!!

[ suddenly, a trio of bagpipe players saunter into the apartment playing their noisy tune ]

Chuck LeVinto: [ crying, as he continues to play the accordian ] NO!!! NOT THAT MUSIC!! PLEASE!! MAKE IT STOP!!! NOOOOOO!!!!

[ Chuck drops his accordian and topples dead over the ottoman ] [ the bagpipe players cease their playing, as the Captain rushes in ]

Captain: Are you alright?

Gail: Fine.

Captain: I’m sorry we had to do it this way. But maybe this will convince people once and for all… that EVERY accordian is a lethal weapon! [ to the bagpipe players ] Take care of it, guys!

[ Gail and the Captain exit the apartment, as the bagpipe players begin to attack Chuck’s accordian with their hatchets ] [ pull out to wideshot, with SUPER: “There’s no abyssness like show abyssness.” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts