Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 1
Elliot Gould’s Monologue
Announcer V/O: Ladies and gentlemen – Elliot Gould![ dissolve to the new Home Base set – supposedly meant to capture “The Look of the eighties”, but really a replica of Grand Central Station. A single elevator car is centered between a winding staircase. The elevator descends its shaft, sans Gould, who appears running frantically down the staircase. Gould beats the elevator to the stage, waits a moment for it to finish its descent, then opens the doors and pretends as if he were stepping out of the elevator car, then waves tothe audience and takes his place at Home Base. ]
Elliot Gould: Uh – I really am happy to be here. You know, uh, I’ve always had a very special feeling about doing “Saturday Night Live.” This is kind of like home to me. Over the years, I have done a lot of crazy things on this show. I’ve dressed up like a girl, I’ve told jokes.. I’ve ung, I’ve danced.. I was a Bee. But, tonight – tonight, I would really like to take a serious moment and share something personal with you, because I really am moved to be he host of this, the first show of thenew season. So, I wanted to “open up” with something a little bit more meaningful.[ runs back toward the elevator, where a large trunk stands on its side ]
You see – my mother has been, uh, collecting things — [ drags to trunk back to the front of the stage ] I’ve been in, uh — for all my life, for me. And, uh – I really wanted to share it.. with you.[ opens the trunk, reaches in and pulls out an old cloth diaper – the audience awwwws ]
This – this was my very first diaper. [ turns it around ] And these are the original safety pins. They’re rusty now. [ looks toward an audience member ] I’d like to share this.. with you. [ hands the diaper to an audience member, then returns to digging in the trunk ] [ pulls out a tiny pair of boy’s underwear ] Oh! And this was my very first pair of real underwear! I remember when my folks gave them to me! I was so excited, I could hardly wait to put them on! [ looks toward another audience member ] I want to share this.. with you. [ hands the pair of boy’s underwear to this audience member, then returns to digging in the trunk ] [ pulls out a pair of extremely soiled boy’s underwear ] Now – this was a — [ audience cracks up ] a very important pair of shorts. Very — this was the pair I wore for a whole summer, before I learned that you have to change your underwear! [ takes a deep sniff of the underwear, rolls his eyes and shakes his head ] I’m not gonna share this with you![ pulls out a pair of boxer shorts ] And these are my first pair of boxer shorts. Now, I began wearing it when I learned just how dangerous jockey shorts can be. You see — it’s true. The male, uh.. appendange.. was meant – truly – to be cooler than the rest of you. jockey shorts hold you too close and – and keep you too warm. That can make you sterile. So, if you worry about sterility, the answer just might be.. your underwear. Let me show you what I mean! [ begins to unbuckle his pants and pull them down his legs, as Denny Dillon steps forward carrying a garment bag ]
Denny Dillon: Uh.. Elliot?
Elliot Gould: Denny!
Denny Dillon: Excuse me —
Elliot Gould: Denny! What are you doing here? This is my monologue.
Denny Dillon: Well, I-I know that, but I-I didn’t know there was somebody else who understood about underwear.
Elliot Gould: Oh? You do?
Denny Dillon: Yeaaah!
Elliot Gould: Well, tell me – what kind of underwear do you have?
Denny Dillon: Well — [ pulls out two pairs of silky panties ] I’ll give you these two —
Elliot Gould: Okay.
Denny Dillon: — for, uh – those boxer shorts — [ grabs for Gould’s boxer shorts ]
Elliot Gould: Well, no, no, no! You don’t know how valuable these boxer shorts are.
Denny Dillon: Yeah?
Elliot Gould: Yeah.
Denny Dillon: [ reaches into her garment bag ] More valuable than these? [ pulls out an older pair of women’s undergarments ]
Elliot Gould: Oh?
Denny Dillon: These are my grandmother’s bloomers!
Elliot Gould: Well, I’ll tell you what, Denny, I-I-I — [ begins digging in his trunk ]
Denny Dillon: I’ll give you two —
Elliot Gould: I can trade you — [ pulls out a second pair of boxer shorts ] a pair of Donald sutherland’s boxers.. [ digs smoe more, pulls out a bra ] Nick Nolte’s brassiere —
Denny Dillon: [ pulls out a leopard-print leotard ] I’ll — I have this —
Elliot Gould: And, if you hand me that – that leotard would be very nice —
Denny Dillon: Yeah.
Elliot Gould: We’ll be right back.[ Gould begins to excitedly dig through Denny’s garment bag, as the camera pulls back and fades ]