SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: Singing Billy-Gram

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 1

80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

Singing Billy-Gram

Man…..Elliot Gould
Woman…..Ann Risley
Delivery Boy…..Charles Rocket

[ open on elegantly-decorated apartment, as ?? sits waiting on the cocuch ]

Man: [ calling toward a back room ] Honey! Will you hurry up?

Woman: [ enters living area ] I’m hurrying, dammit!

Man: Such language, and on your birthday yet. Is something bothering you?

Woman: Well.. it’s just that I thought I’d at least hear from my parents. I mean, I know they’re not crazy about us living together, but.. this is the first time they’ve ever completely missed my birthday!

[ doorbell rings ]

Man: Who could that be?

Woman: Oh, I’ll get it. [ walks up to the front door ] Who is it?

Voice of Delivery Boy: Billy-gram!

Woman: Billy-gram? Billy-gram? [ opens the door to reveal a delivery boy carrying a telegram ] Oh, honey! They didn’t forget my birthday – hey sent a telegram!

Delivery Boy: No – it’s a Billy-gram! A sing-ing re-lig-ious mess-age! Your daddy has sent you a Billy-Gram, on your birth-day! Praise God! [ begins singing ]

“Sin, sin, sin – is what you’re living in
You don’t have a ring, but you’re having a fling
Thank God you’re not a twin!

Slut, slut, slut – in Hell, we’ll burn your butt
Your mother and I, are ready to die
Just don’t get: you know what!”

Re-pent on your birth-day! Praise Je-sus!

Woman: What a great gift idea.

Man: [ annoyed ] Yeah, it really made my night. Your parents think of everything!

Woman: Come on, now – lay off my parents, they —

Man: [ notices the delivery boy still standing at the door ] What are you waiting for?

Delivery Boy: He hath heard the song of the Lord – aren’t ye going to tip?

Woman: What nerve! [ walks away ]

Man: Get lost! [ pushes the delivery boy out of the living room and slams the door ]

Woman: Can you believe he actually wanted a tip?

Voice of Delivery Boy: [ singing behind the closed door ]“Whore, whore, whore – I’ll never even the score
I’ll sing and I’ll shout, why don’t you come out
And tell them all the score –!”

Woman: Tip him! Tip him!

[ Man re-opens the door, lets the delivery boy fall into the living room, and places a dollar bill into his gloved hand ]

Delivery Boy: [ pleased ] Well! Lord bless this un-ion!

[ Man again slams the door on the delivery boy, then turns to have it out with his significant other ] [ camera pulls out ] [ SUPER: “Personals: Fem exec into denim seeks black musician with large organ for backup gigs.” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: American Cancer Society

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 1

80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

American Cancer Society

Spokeswoman…..Gail Matthius

Spokeswoman: Hello! I’m from the American Cancer Society, with an important message for all women.

You know, breast cancer used to be a taboo subject, especially on TV. But, fortunately, today we are able to talk about it freely and openly. Learning how to examine your breasts can help save your life. There’s a simple procedure for dong this, which I will now demonstrate. Please watch carefully, observing all my movements.

[ she unbuttons her blouse and rips it off, as a black bar covers her full frontal ]

Spokeswoman: [ touching her breasts behind the black bar ] Begin here… touching this. Use this to probe that. Check to see if there’s anything like that. Then glide that along like this, like that, to see if there’s anything like this or that. Next, flex this firmly, while pressing that. Then flex this while pressing that. Finally, squeeze this between this and that. And that will look like this. Do not do this like this… or these will look like this. Do this like that, and that will look like this. And, lastly, one word of warning: If anything like… this… looks anything like… that… consult your doctor immediately. That could be fatal.

Thank you!

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: The preceding public service announcement was brought to you by the Service for Public Service Announcements.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts