SNL Transcripts: Danny DeVito: 05/15/82: Executive Stress Test

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 19

81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

Executive Stress Test

Bill Hoskins…..Danny DeVito
Secretary…..Christine Ebersole
Mary Hoskins…..Mary Gross
Miguel…..Tony Rosato
Don…..Joe Piscopo
Drug Dealer…..Eddie Murphy
J.P.G…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open on Bill Hoskins standing in his office, as the phone buzzes ]

Bill Hoskins: Hello? Yes?

Secretary: Mrs. Hoskins is on the phone.

Bill Hoskins: Good! [ he grabs the phone ] Hello, honey? Hello, honey, can you hear me? Oh, wait a secod. [ he puts her on speakerphone ] Honey, can you hear me?

Mary Hoskins: Sure!

Bill Hoskins: Oh, good! Order the lawn furniture, honey! I did it! You’re now talking to a Senior Vice-President!

Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, that’s wonderful!

Bill Hoskins: For fifteen years, I’ve been working my tail off and, FINALLY, somebody noticed!

Mary Hoskins: Of course, they did! You’re the BEST!

Bill Hoskins: Oh, honey! In ten minutes… I’m gonna be heading to the 43rd Floor, where I’m wining and dining with J.P.G. and the whole board of directors!

Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, I love you!

Bill Hoskins: I couldn’t have done it without you, honey! You’re a real champ! [ he blows kisses into the phone ]

[ his Secretary enters ]

Secretary: Excuse me, Mr. Hoskins?

Bill Hoskins: I’ll call you right back, honey! [ he hangs up ]

Secretary: I just want to say, Mr. Hoskins, that it’s been a wonderful experience working with you.

Bill Hoskins: Well… by the way, Beth… If you don’t mind a rather SUBSTANTIAL pay hike, I’d like to bring you aboard! I already cleared it with Personnel.

Secretary: [ stammering ] Oh, I — I — I — [ she salutes ] I’m mighty glad to be aboard!

Bill Hoskins: [ he salutes back ] At ease!

[ the phone rings ]

Secretary: [ answering ] Mr. Hoskins’ office. Just a moment, please. [ to Bob ] It’s Mrs. Hoskins.

[ he puts his wife on speakerphone ]

Bill Hoskins: Yeah?

Mary Hoskins: Oh, I’m sorry to bother you, darling, but I forgot to remind you that we’re supposed to have dinner tonight with the Harrisons, and — [ she begins panting wildy ] Oh, no…! Ohhhh…!

Bill Hoskins: [ confused ] Mary! Mary, are you alright?!

Mary Hoskins: [ panting ] My phone…! Give me that phone!

Miguel: No! No, my baby! Tell him NOW! Tell him of the deep feeling between us!

Bill Hoskins: MARY!! MARY!! Who is that man?!!

Mary Hoskins: Ohhh, he’s just a… OHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

[ the phone goes dead ]

Bill Hoskins: Did you HEAR that?!

Secretary: I’m… sure she’ll have a very convincing explanation, Mr. Hoskins…

Bill Hoskins: I should… I should call her!

[ Don enters ]

Don: Heyyyyyy, Billy! Congratulations, you son of a gun, youuuuu!

Bill Hoskins: Hello, Don! Don! Thanks! Thank you! [ they hug ]

Secretary: You have six minutes, Mr. Hoskins.

Bill Hoskins: Alright!

[ she exits ]

Don: Just wanted to tell you, pal — No hard feelings, I think the BEST man won!

Bill Hoskins: Oh, that is BEAUTIFUL, Don! I know how much you wanted this job.

Don: Wellll, I’m a team player, Bill, what can I tell you?

Bill Hoskins: Well, you’re a real stand-up guy, Don! You know, I really thought they were gonna give it to you! I mean, you’ve got seniority, you’ve got more experience, you’ve got an I.Q. that makes me look like a tree slug!

Don: [ laughing ] That’s true! But, you know what? You’ve got something special, and a LOT more valuable: Natural Leadership! Yeah! And let me tell you something else, Billy baby: I’m gonna be behind you EVERY step down the line!

Bill Hoskins: Awwww! Don, Don, like I said, you are a stand-up guy!

[ a Black man enters the office ]


Bill Hoskins: Say, hey! Who are you?

Drug Dealer: Hey, be cool, man! I got your ounce! [ he drops a baggie in Bill’s hand ]

Bill Hoskins: Well, what…? Wait! What is this?! What is this stuff?!

Don: It looks like an illegal addictive drug to me, Bill! [ he laughs ]

Bill Hoskins: What…?!

Drug Dealer: You know, to be perfectly honest, man, you should stop freebasing your blow — You’re gonna kill yourself.

Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey! Hey, hey, I don’t know what THAT means, and I son’t know who YOU are, so get the hell out of here and take this stuff WITH you, Buster!

Drug Dealer: Buster? Hey, yo — Look, man, you better give me the money you owe me, or I’m gonna bust you in your FACE, man!

Bill Hoskins: [ into his phone ] Beth?! Call Security!

Drug Dealer: Yo, what is this, man? I been carrying you for a whole month, you gonna call Security on me? [ he opens a switchblade ] I’m gonna cut your THROAT!

Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey! Hey! Hey!

Don: [ laughing ] Bill, you’d better give your dealer what he wants, pal, huh?

Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey — What are you, crazy?! I’ve never seen this man before in my life!

Don: Hey, pal, look — You guys are talking business! Three is a crowd. Uh, I’ll see you later.

Bill Hoskins: Hey, some stand-up guy you are!

Don: I guess the best man won after all, huh, Billy, huh? [ he mimes taking a snort, then exits ]

[ Secretary storms in ]

Secretary: YOU ANIMAL!! I just got my results back from the company physical! You’ve given me HERPES SIMPLEX!! It’s INCURABLE!! I’m RUINED for LIFE!!

Bill Hoskins: I’m sorry…!

Secretary: I just called your wife, and as soon as she’s able to talk, I’m gonna tell her that she’s got, it, too! And so does that damn gardener — Miguel!! [ she grabs the phone and puts it on speaker ]

Drug Dealer: Hey, man, you got no class at all, you know that?

[ over the phone, Mrs. Hoskins pants furiously ]

Miguel: Awwwwww, we will tell him together, my honey…! We will spend all his money!

Mary Hoskins: Ohhh, you’re so BOSS, my darling…! Ohhhh, yes!!

Bill Hoskins: Mary!! For God’s sake, Mary!!

Secretary: [ to the Drug Dealer ] Give it to him!

[ the Drug Dealer grabs Bill by the tie and holds his switchblade in front of Bill’s face ]

Bill Hoskins: No, no! Please! Please, no! Please!! No, no, no! Please, don’t!

[ suddenly, everyone in the room begins to clap ]

J.P.G.: Bravo! Bravo, everybody! Bravo! Just great! [ to the Drug Dealer ] You were terrific, young man! Miss Rogers has your check.

Drug Dealer: Thank you, Sir! It was a great part! Nice working with you, Mr. Hoskins. Good luck with your future. Y’all take it easy. [ he exits ]

Bill Hoskins: [ surprised ] J.P.G.?!

J.P.G.: [ laughing ] That’s right! That Captain of this great big schooner of ours! How do you feel?

Bill Hoskins: Well… I’m a little shaky, but I feel okay…

J.P.G.: Perfect! Perfect! Listen, you just passed our Human Reliability Executive Stress Test! [ he laughs ]

Secretary: Mr. Hoskins, you were just WONDERFUL!

Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, I’m so PROUD!! And wasn’t Miguel just terrific?

Miguel: Muchos gracious, eh, Mr. Hoskins?

J.P.G.: You see, Hoskins — Before we move a man into a top management slot, we’ve gotta make sure that he WON’T crack under ANY pressure at all! You know? THe best scientific minds have devised these stress tests.

Bill Hoskins: Well, I-I hope I-I measured up to your expectations…

J.P.G.: [ he laughs boisterously ] You were WONDERFUL! Listen — anybody else, a normal mind, would have SNAPPED with what you just went through! Hoskins, you’ve got the RIGHT stuff!

Bill Hoskins: Sir, this is the PROUDEST day of my life!

J.P.G.: I’ll bet you worked up quite a little appetite, huh?

Bill Hoskins: Yeah.

J.P.G.: How about a little lunch on the 43rd Floor? [ he laughs ]

Bill Hoskins: Sounds good to ME, Sir! Sounds good to me! Oh — Oh, Sir, I’ve got a little surprise for you, too!

J.P.G.: Really?

Bill Hoskins: Yes! If you wouldn’t mnid waiting for me by the elevator… I’ll be right there!

J.P.G.: Sure, Hoskins! [ he laughs, then exits ]

[ Bob Hoskins returns to his desk, picks up the switchblade, then points it in J.P.G.’s wake and follows behind him ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

SNL Transcripts: Danny DeVito: 05/15/82: Table Talk

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 19

81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

Table Talk

…..Tony Rosato
Wine Steward…..Nate Herman

[ open on Tony Rosato examining the wine list at a restaurant ]

Wine Steward: I’d, uh — I’d suggest the Bouton C’aday, Sir.

Tony Rosato: Excellent! That’s EXACTLY what I was going to order! THank you very much.

[ the Waiter exits ]

Tony Rosato: [ into the camera ] Hi! I’m Tony Rosato. Welcome to “Table Talk”! You know, being Italian, people naturally assume that I know everything there is to know about selecting wines. And, actually, I know NOTHING! Absolutely NOTHING about selecting wines. You know, how many times have you gone to a restaurant and been handed, like, a 75-page wine list in 12 different languages? Okay? And you always get sucked into buying a $50 bottle of wine from the Easter Islands or something. Well, tonight, I’m gonna show you how to BEAT Mr. Wine Steward at his own game. Now, the first thing he’ll do, is he’ll offer you the cork.

[ the Wine Steward returns with a bottle ]

Wine Steward: Sir…?

Tony Rosato: [ to the camera ] Now, don’t ask me why they always seem to do that. I always used to say, “Thanks” and drop it in the ash tray. But what he wants you to do is smell it.

[ Rosato smells the cork ]

Tony Rosato: Ah! [ slyly, to the camera ] Notice how my “Ah” is non-committal. In his eyes, I’m still a connoiseur.

[ the Wine Steward pours some wine into a glass and hands it to Rosato ]

Tony Rosato: [ to the camera ] Now, he’ll just give me enough to taste. Notice how they never give you enough to realize how bad the bottle is until you BUY the whole thing, right? Okay. And this is the most important part: Tasting. Now, remember — Don’t whip it back like a shot glass, okay? It’s a dead giveaway. And don’t gargle with it, either.

[ Rosato takes a sip and savors the taste ]

Tony Rosato: [ to the camera ] Now, here’s where you can really get one up over your waiter — Becasue whether you like this or not, you don’t like it. Okay? So I suggest this. [ he turns to the Wine Steward ] Uh, excuse me?

Wine Steward: Yes?

Tony Rosato: If I wanted a bottle of SWEAT, I would have ORDERED it! Would you TAKE this away, please?!

[ the Wine Steward silently takes the bottle and exits ]

[ Rosato laughs maniacally into the camera ]

Tony Rosato: Now, where’s this guy off to? Well, he’s off to get you another bottle of the exact stuff you just sent back. Right? Now, by the way — You know he’s on to you if he comes back and suggests a HOUSE wine that looks like this: [ he holds up a wine bottle wrapped in a paper bag ] Or, if he gives a bottle with a duck on it, stamped “Wednesday.” Now, don’t fall for this stuff, okay? These are your sparkling wines, or your carbonated wines. Okay? I don’t trust these, because these aren’t real wines. They’re like closet soft drinks, you know? Wines that think they’re wines, but they’ve always wanted to be a 7-Up or something…

[ the Wine Steward returns ]

Wine Steward: I’d suggest this, Sir… [ opens the bottle and pours ]

Tony Rosato: [ to the camera ] Remember: [ he whispers ] You don’t want this… [ he takes the glass of wine ] Thank you. [ he sips the wine, then spits it across the table ] THIS IS DISGUSTING!! [ he flings the leftover into the Wine Steward’s face ] BRING ME ANOTHER BOTTLE, AND HURRY!!

[ the Wine Steward silently takes the bottle and exits ]

Tony Rosato: WHAT KIND OF A RESTAURANT ARE YOU RUNNING HERE?!! [ he laughs maniacally into the camera ] That works every time! Alright, now, not only is tghis guy totally intimidated, but he’s also out two bottles of vino, okay? so you can be well and sure that ANYTHING he brings back is BOUND to be on the house! And, if you’re like me, you don’t mind having a bottle of bad wine…if it’s free.

[ the Wine Steward returns ]

Wine Steward: This one’s on the house, Sir. [ he pours the wine ]

[ Rosato smiles into the camera ]

Tony Rosato: Thank you. [ he sips and savors the wine ] Ah… Excellent!

[ defeated, the Wine Steward touches the bottle of wine one last time before he exits ]

Tony Rosato: Well — Join me again next week on “Table Talk”, and I’ll show you how to stuff an ENTIRE salad bar into a doggie bag! So long!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

SNL Transcripts: Danny DeVito: 05/15/82: “Taxi” Finale

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 19

81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

“Taxi” Finale

Louie DePalma…..Danny DeVito

[ Music Open: “Taxi Theme” ] [ open on taxi cab driving across Brooklyn Bridge, facing camera ] [ camera pans left to view New York City skyline behind bridge ] [ dissolve to camera looking out front window of cab, to view the street ] [ camera pans right to show ABC Building coming into view ] [ cab slows down; ABC symbol statue positioned outside passenger window ] [ fade to black ] [ open on medium shot, cab passenger door open, Louie DePalma sitting in agony ] [ face straining, Louie looks towards ABC building and shakes his head, trying to convince himself not to do what he had planned ] [ his mind made up, Louie picks up a remote control device and slams his finger against the button ] [ cut to side of ABC Building being torn apart by explosion caused by Louie ] [ cut to close-up, Louie, smiling maliciously ] [ screen shifts to medium shot, Louie stands up, raises leg and extends arm in typical Louie DePalma victory stance ] [ scene freezes, fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Danny DeVito: 05/15/82: The Whiners

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 19

81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

The Whiners

Doug Whiner…..Joe Piscopo
Wendy Whiner…..Robin Duke
Stewardess…..Mary Gross
Passenger…..Danny DeVito
Other passengers…..Yvonne Hudson, Neil Levy, Liz Welch

[ open on passengers boarding an airplane, including: ]

Wendy Whiner: Ohhhh ohhhhh…

Doug Whiner: Thaaaank youuuu.

Wendy Whiner: It’s SO crowd-ed!

Doug Whiner: Ohhhhh, there’s probably no more good magaZINES left!

Wendy Whiner: Honey… What are our seat numberssss?

Doug Whiner: 32-B and Ceeeee!

Wendy Whiner: Ohhhh, here they are, honeyyyyy…

[ they sit next to a fellow passenger ]

Doug Whiner: Ohhhhhhh, but honey, I wanted to sit in the No Smoking section! [ to fellow passenger ] Excuse meeeee? We’re Doug and Wendy Whinerrrrrrr.

Passenger: Oh, uh… well, how are you?

Doug Whiner: We’re allergiiiic.

Passenger: I’m sorry.

Doug Whiner: To smo-o-o-o-ooke!!

Wendy Whiner: We’re all-er-gic to smo-o-o-o-oke!!

Passenger: Oh, alright. I-I won’t smoke.

Doug Whiner: Ohhhhhhh, thank youuuuuu… thank you.

[ the Stewardess hands a blanket to a passenger, then approaches the Whiners ]

Stewardess: Excuse me, Ma’am — You’ll have to store your package beneath the seat in front of you.’

Wendy Whiner: But it’ll stick OUT, and I won’t have any room for my FEEEEEEET!

Stewardess: [ to Doug ] Sir, could you store it beneath the seat in front of you?

Doug Whiner: But MY legs are longer than herrrrrrs!

[ they both turn sheepishly to look at the short passenger seated next to them ]

Passenger: Alright, I’ll — I’ll put it under my seat. [ he grabs Wendy’s package ]

Wendy Whiner: Thank you. Be CARefulllll…

Doug Whiner: It’s Blue Willow chinaaaaaaaaa!

Wendy Whiner: Honeyyyy? Honey, I feel a dra-a-a-a-aft! Would you turn your air vent o-o-o-offfff?

Doug Whiner: Oh, but mine is o-o-o-offfff…

Wendy Whiner: Oh, but, then WHY do I feel a dra-a-a-a-aftttt??

[ they both turn sheepishly to look at the short passenger seated next to them ]

Passenger: Alright, alright! I’ll turn mine off! [ he stands to turn the vent off ]

Wendy Whiner: Be carefulllll of the CHI-naaaaaa!

Passenger: Okay, I won’t kick the china. Don’t worry about it. [ he sits ]

Wendy Whiner: [ fidgeting ] Ohhhhh! It’s STILL co-o-o-o-olddddd!!

Doug Whiner: Ohhhhh… STEWARDESSSSSSSS!!!

[ the Stewardess throws a blanket at the Whiners ]

Doug Whiner: Can I have a pillo-o-o-o-owwwww??

[ their fellow passenger shoves a pillow into Doug’s face ]

Doug Whiner: Thannnnnkkk youuuuu…

[ Doug and Wendy cuddle up between the one pillow, making obnoxiously loud cooing noises together ]

Stewardess: Would anyone like a headset?

[ all the other passengers raise their hands in great excitement, surround the stewardess. Doug and Wendy also grab a pair. ]

Doug Whiner: Mmmmm… mine isn’t workinggggggg!!

Wendy Whiner: Oh, me neitherrrrr!

Doug Whiner: Ohhhh, I can’t hear a THINGGGG!!

Wendy Whiner: Sir?

Doug Whiner: Excuse me, Sirrrrr? [ he unplugs the passenger’s headset and yells into it ] EXCUSE MEEEEE!!!

Passenger: OWWW!!! [ he pulls off his headset ] WHAT?!!

Doug Whiner: Our headsets aren’t workingggggg!

Passenger: Well, you have to plug them in here! [ he rises ]

Doug Whiner: Don’t kick the chinaaaaa…

Passenger: Alright! I won’t kick the china! Just let me put — [ he plugs in the headsets for them ] Plug it in!

Doug Whiner: Ohhhh, thank youuuuu!

Wendy Whiner: [ happy ] Ohhhhhh!

Doug Whiner: [ singing along ] “Kissssss the day goodbyyyyyye!”

Together: [ singing ] “Point me towards tomorrowwwwww!! ]

[ the Stewardess addresses the passengers ]

Stewardess: Ladies and gentlemen — I’m sorry to announce that today’s flight has been overbooked. At this time, we are asking for volunteers to give up their seats and catch us on a later flight —

[ suddenly, all the other passengers jump to their feet and rush past the stewardess ]

Stewardess: — We’re sorry for the inconvenience, thank you!

[ the passenger next to the Whiners stands ]

Wendy Whiner: Be CAREful of the chinaaaaaa!

[ the Whiners close their eyes and continue singing along with the headset ]

[ in frustration, the passenger finally kicks the shit out of the package beneath his seat ]

Passenger: HUH?! [ he grabs the package and shakes it in front of their closed eyes ] HERE’S YOUR CHINA!! [ mimicking them ] Be careful with the chinaaaaaaa…!!

[ finally, he exits the airplane ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

SNL Transcripts: Johnny Cash: 04/17/82: Elton John performs “Empty Garden (Hey, Hey Johnny)”

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 17

81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

Elton John performs “Empty Garden (Hey, Hey Johnny)”

…..Johnny Cash
…..Elton John

[FADE IN on Johnny Cash at home base wearing a tuxedo suit and shirt with a bow tie. Nigel Olsson’s band can be seen behind him.]

Johnny Cash: [smiling] And now it’s my pleasure to introduce our special musical guest: Elton John!!

[Cash gestures smoothly to his right toward Elton at the piano as the crowd cheers wildly. Elton is bedecked in a subtle neon blue jacket with a dark pink shirt underneath, and a black gaucho hat on his head. Johnny Cash bows formally to him, and Elton starts into “Empty Garden” alone on vocals and piano.]

Elton John: [ singing]“What happened here,
As the New York sunset disappeared?
I found an empty garden
Among the flagstones there.

Who lived here?
He must’ve been a gardener that cared a lot,
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop.

And now it all looks strange.
It’s funny how one insect
Can damage so much grain.

And what’s it for,
This little empty garden
By the brownstone door?
And in the cracks along the sidewalk,
Nothing grows no more.

Who lived here?
He must’ve been a gardener that cared a lot,
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop.

And they are so amazed.
We’re crippled and we’re dazed.
A gardener like that one,
No one can replace.

And I’ve been knockin’,
But no one answers,
And I’ve been knockin’
Most of the day.

Oh, and I’ve been callin’,
“Oh, hey, hey, Johnny,
Can’t you come out to play?”

And through their tears,
Some say he farmed his best in younger years,
But he’d have said that roots grow stronger
If only he could hear.

Who lived there?
He must’ve been a gardener that cared a lot,
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop.

And now we pray for rain.
And with every drop that falls,
We hear, we hear your name.

And I’ve been knockin’,
But no one answers,
And I’ve been knockin’
Most of the day.

Oh, and I’ve been callin’,
“Oh, hey, hey, Johnny,
Can’t you come out to play?”

And I’ve been knockin’,
But no one answers,
And I’ve been knockin’
Most of the day.

Oh, and I’ve been callin’,
“Oh, hey, hey, Johnny,
Can’t you come out,
Can’t you come out to play?

Can’t you come out to play
In your empty garden?”

[Elton and the Nigel Olsson band repeat the ending several times, then play an instrumental for several bars. Finally they quiet to just vocals and Elton on piano.]

In your empty garden?
Can’t you come out to play
In your empty garden?””

[Wild applause from the audience once the song is finished. Elton gives his overbite grin and mouths “Thank you” over the cheers. One audience member is heard repeatedly yelling, “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” through the applause. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

Olivia Newton-John: 05/22/82

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 20

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


May 22nd, 1982

Olivia Newton-John

Olivia Newton-John

Michael Davis

Graham Chapman

Akira Yoshimura

Andy Murphy
Ladies’ RestroomRecurring Characters: Paulette Clooney.


Olivia Newton-John performs “Physical”

TransEastern AirlinesNote: Repeat from 10/07/81.

Ebony & IvoryRecurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, Stevie Wonder.


I Married A MonkeyRecurring Characters: Tim.

Hitler in HeavenRecurring Characters: Adolph Hitler, Rod Serling.

Not a Record AdSummary: Call now to order this exciting product that is not a record!


Olivia Newton-John performs “Make a Move on Me”

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

Michael Davis

Business Talk


Sports Organ Classics

Olivia Newton-John performs “Landslide”

The ClamsNote: Repeat from 10/03/81.


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Johnny Cash: 04/17/82: Elton John performs “Ball and Chain”

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 17

81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

Elton John performs “Ball and Chain”

…..Johnny Cash
…..Elton John

[FADE IN on Johnny Cash at home base, where he stands bedecked in classic Elton John attire: a huge gold robe, a pink feather boa reaching to the floor, blinding gold chains on his chest, and outsized glasses with pink feathers sticking out of the lenses. Audience hoots in approval.]

Johnny Cash: [grinning and waving his arms] Workin’ with our special guest… [applause] Working with our special guest has been a big thrill for me. He’s a wonderful entertainer, and you can’t work with a guy like Elton John without having his showmanship and flash rub off on ya–so… Elton, I hope ya don’t mind, but I took the liberty of, uh, borrowin’ these threads, and ladies and gentlemen… once again… Elton John.

[Cash gestures to his left. FADE to Elton at his piano with the band behind him. The drummer hits it a second or two later.]

Elton John: [ singing ]“I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
And you were the one to blame
For tearin’ my world apart.

I got a heart so true,
You got a heart of ice.
A little more love from you,
It could’ve been paradise.

I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
And if it’s all the same,
Maybe we should part.

And I say,
Do-do do-do, yeah.

Do-do do-do.

You had to tie me down,
Oh, inside a cage of doubt.
I’m sick of bein’ kicked around,
So this is where I get out.

I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
And if it’s all the same,
Maybe we should part.

And I say, Do-do-do-do-do…

Oooooooh-wee, baby,
You tried to hold me
But you were slowly
Drivin’ me insane.

Oooooooh-wee, baby.

[changes keys]

I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
And you were the one to blame
For tearin’ my world apart.

I got a heart so true,
You got a heart of ice.
A little more love from you,
It could’ve been paradise.

[changes back to original key]

I couldn’t take the pain,
You couldn’t take my love,
So I’m gonna quit this game,
‘Cause, baby, I’ve had enough.

I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
And if it’s all the same,
Maybe we should part.

And I say, Do-do-do-do-do…

I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
(Around my heart)…

[Repeat the refrain and chorus twice, and then the band kicks into the finish.]

Ball and chain…
Ball and chain…

And I’m sayin, Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo…”

[They repeat the chorus once more, and then the song ends. Audience cheers heartily as Elton leaps from the piano bench, kicks up his heels, and stands proudly with his band.]


[Elton shakes his left earlobe, a la Carol Burnett, and acknowledges the cheers. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

Ebony & Ivory

Ebony & Ivory

Producer…..Tim Kazurinsky
Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo
Secretary…..Tony Rosato
Stevie Wonder…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on a Recording Studio ]

Producer: Everything’s ready. We’re all set to record, as soon as he gets here, Mr. Sinatra.

Frank Sinatra: [ turns around ] Good.. good.. good. Son, come here. Come here. [ grabs his shoulder ] How does the album sound so far?

Producer: Oh, it’s excellent, Mr. Sinatra.

Frank Sinatra: Thank you, thank you, that’s very nice. I want to do some tunes that the young people will enjoy. That’s why I’m calling this album “Frank Sings Tunes the Young People Will Enjoy”.

Secretary: [ opens door and peeks in ] Uh.. excuse me, Mr. Sinatra, Sir? He’s here.

Frank Sinatra: Show him in.

[ Secretary pulls Stevie Wonder into the recording studio ]

Frank Sinatra: Stevie Wonder! Stevie Wonder! You are aptly named! Like I’ve said many times, you are truly a wonder!

Stevie Wonder: Thank you, Frank.

Frank Sinatra: Let me ask you something: Do you do your own hair?

Stevie Wonder: Uh.. no, I don’t.

Frank Sinatra: Then you’ve got no excuse! Little joke, Stevie, it looks great. Come on over here to the piano. It’s right in front of you, my friend. [ Stevie sits ] You alright there?

Stevie Wonder: You know, Frank, I feel it is a.. tremendous honor to be.. recording with you.

Frank Sinatra: Thank you, Stevie. I feel the same. I am very much into that tune you do with the Beatle kid – uh, what’s his name? The one that looks like a broad?

Stevie Wonder: His name is Paul McCartney, Frank.

Frank Sinatra: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. that’s the dude. Uh.. would you be so kind as to run down that song for me, Stevie? Please?

Stevie Wonder: Alright. [ plays piano ] “Ebony and Ivory
live together in perfect harmony
Side by side on my..”

Frank Sinatra: [ interrupting ] Stevie, Stevie.. hold it, Stevie. Now, something tells me that this is more than a song about playing the piano.

Stevie Wonder: Uh.. uh.. Frank, it’s about racial equality and unity of all people.

Frank Sinatra: Well, uh.. I don’t understand. When I think of Ebony, I think of a magazine that most people do not buy. And when I think of Ivory, I think of a soap that floats.

Stevie Wonder: Ebony and Ivory are the black and white keys on the piano, Frank.

Frank Sinatra: Alright, Stevie, I know that. You know that. But it’s too artsy for the public – capiche? Now, I talekd to the master, Sammy Kahn. Now, Sammy is a marvelous, marvelous songwriter – no offense, Stevie. And, uh.. Sammy thinks we should go with something like Chocolate and Vanilla. Or, how about this: “Life is an Eskimo Pie, why don’t we take a bite?”

Stevie Wonder: I’m afraid that might be a bit offensive to some people.

Frank Sinatra: Hey, who cares what the Eskimos think – they don’t buy records, huh? [ thinking ] Okay, Stevie.. let’s see.. Ebony and Ivory, huh? Ebony and Ivory.. [ stops ] Hey, Stevie, waht the hell are we beating around the bush for? This is 1982. Let’s get right to the point! Huh? Hey, take it from the top. Swing it, Stevie! With a bounce, baby! [ sits next to Stevie ] [ Stevie starts the song again ]

Frank Sinatra: “You are black, and I am white
Life’s an Eskimo Pie, let’s.. take a bite!
That was groovy thinkin’
Lincoln, when you set them freeeeeee…

We all know
Cats are the same
Maine to Mexico.
Good. Bad.
Guys and chicks!”

Stevie Wonder: “I am dark, and you are light.”

Frank Sinatra: “You are blind as a bat, and I have sight!
Side by side, you are my amigo,
Negro, let’s not fiiiiiiiight!”

Stevie Wonder: “Ebony, ivory
Living in perfect harmony.”

Frank Sinatra: “Salt and pepper,
Sammy and Dean
Stevie and me are peachy keen!”

Stevie Wonder: “You are white.”

Frank Sinatra: “You are black – and who cares!”

Who cares, baby!

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Johnny Cash: 04/17/82: Reagan Directs

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 17

81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

Reagan Directs

Reagan…..Joe Piscopo
Mike Kramer…..Tim Kazurinsky
Edwin Meese…..Tony Rosato
Secretary…..Christine Ebersole
Margaret Thatcher…..Mary Gross
General Leopoldo Galtieri…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[FADE IN on a slide of the White House as “Hail to the Chief” plays. FADE to Reagan from a first-person perspective at the Oval Office desk, where he is holding a map of the Western Hemisphere before him. A man’s hand is pointing at the Caribbean.]

Voice: And if you follow this plan, Mr. President, we’ll be in the Caribbean by June.

Reagan: Well, sounds like a good strategy, young fella!

[ENTER Edwin Meese from the right.]

Meese: Hi, Ron. What’re you planning here, Ron, what’s going on?

Reagan: Oh, hi, Ed!

Meese: [indicates Kramer] Uh, who’s this guy, Ron?

Reagan: This is Mike Kramer: my travel agent!

Kramer: [extends hand] Pleased to meet you, Mr. Meese.

Meese: [shakes hand politely] Nice to meet you, sir.

Reagan: We were just mapping out my next working vacation. Hey, Ed, how does Aruba sound to you?

Meese: It’s great, Ron, wherever. [to Kramer] Look, uh, excuse me, uh, would you excuse us just for a second, please? [gestures to door] Thank you.

Kramer: Oh, sure.

[Kramer smiles tightly and hastily leaves.]

Reagan: Uh, uh, uh, Mike, don’t forget: twin beds.

[Kramer waves shortly and beats it.]

Meese: So, Ronnie, did you have a good time in the Barbados, huh?

Reagan: Oh, just swell! Anything happen while I was gone, Ed?

Meese: Well, nothing that concerns you, Ron, huh? [smiles contemptuously]

Reagan: Ed, uh, didn’t anyone call me?

Meese: No. [glances around anxiously] Look, Ron, I have some, uh, some important meetings to take place in your office, and, uh, I need it right now, okay? So, uh, I’m gonna have some people come in, and I want you to take off that RIDICULOUS Don Ho shirt–[reaches for Reagan’s head]–and I want you to take off this SNORKEL!

[Meese yanks a blue rubber snorkel off the President’s head.]

Meese: Vacation’s over, Ron!

[He stalks out irritably. Reagan watches him leave, then his eyes turn back toward the fireplace in the center.]

Reagan: [clears throat] “Day-o… day-o…”

[Two maracas stick out in his hands, and he stands up and walks toward a mirror with them.]

Reagan: [singing] “Daylight come, and me wanna go home. Day-o… day-o…”

[Reagan steps in front of the mirror and examines himself. Joe Piscopo as Reagan appears in the mirror, where he wears a loud tropical shirt and holds out his maracas.]

Reagan: Gee! What a terrific tan! This’ll look great on TV.

[He steps away from the mirror but then moves back toward it.]

Reagan: Maybe I ought to call a press conference!

[A buzzer goes off, and Reagan wanders back toward his desk and presses down the bar on the front of the buzzer.]

Secretary: [over speaker] Have you seen Mr. Meese?

Reagan: Ah, you just missed him!

Secretary: Oh, FOO. I have some people here waiting to see him! Would you mind entertaining them until he gets back?

Reagan: I’d be GLAD to!

[He releases the bar and looks toward the door. A moment later, the secretary steps in.]

Secretary: [gestures out door] Uh, Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and President Leopoldo Galtieri of Argentina.

[Thatcher and Galtieri stride in, she in a prim business suit, while he wears a military uniform and puffs on a cigar.]

Reagan: Oh, hey, well–come on in! Come on in, make yourself at home! Margaret, Leo, sit down! Sit down.

[They stiffly sit in chairs opposite the desk.]

Reagan: So! What’s new?


Thatcher: Ron, as you may or may NOT have heard, uh, the Argentines have gone and seized our Balklands, or Falklands.

Galtieri: The Malvinas. We have only taken what was always ours.

[Thatcher stands and approaches the desk.]

Thatcher: Mr. President, as you closest Western ally, I must INSIST… [softly pounds desk] …on you unqualified support.

Galtieri: [approaches desk] Mr. President, may I remind you that our mutual defense pact compels you to defend us!

Reagan: Gee, uh, I like you BOTH. Uh, gosh, this is a tough one. Uh… y’know, I’ve been a major movie star, and, uh, I’ve been a cowboy with my own horse, uh, I’ve been a president, uh, but what I’ve always wanted to do is DIRECT. [holds out palms] Now, General: imagine you’re all alone on a lush tropical island, you know, like the one in “The Blue Lagoon.”

[Reagan peers down on his desk and turns on a tape recorder. Hawaiian guitar music starts playing.]

Reagan: Yeah, uh, uh, the scent of orchids fires your Latin blood. Then you suddenly see her. The waves lapping at her sarong. It’s Maggie!

[Thatcher self-consciously rubs her palms on her suit.]

Reagan: Now, you think you hate her, but you just can’t resist her. Kind of like Doris Day and Rock Hudson in “Pillow Talk.” All right, uh, General, now take her in your arms…

Galtieri: What is my motivation?

Reagan: A dozen–


Reagan: Your motivation is a dozen F-16 jet fighters.

Galtieri: I got it.

[He cradles his arm around Thatcher’s shoulders. She reluctantly squeezes his waist.]

Reagan: Okay. Okay, kids, now, have fun with it. Action! Leo, embrace her, now, don’t FIGHT it, c’mon, Maggie, you want it BAD. That’s right! That’s right! Now, your lips meet. Uh, no TONGUES. No tongues.

[The two leaders awkwardly touch their lips together.]

Reagan: Now that–good, good. That’s great.

[Edwin Meese bursts in with folders in his hand.]

Meese: OKAY! CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT! RON, I said “cut.” [to others] All right, that’s a take, everybody, nice work. Mrs. Thatcher, would you excuse us? General, nice work out there. [motions for them to leave] Good motivation out there, too.

[they exit]

Reagan: Gee, uh, uh, Ed?

Meese: Yah.

Reagan: You never mentioned the Falkland Islands to ME. Do they have snorkeling down there?

Meese: Yeah, look, Ron, why don’t you just read it up for yourself, okay? [pats folders] There you go. I’ll see you later. [exits]

[Reagan examines an 8×10 black-and-white glossy of a closely packed herd of sheep.]

Reagan: All right. Oh, look at all the sheep they’ve got down there. Boy, that’s a lotta sheep. [starts counting them] One, two, three… [yawns] Four…

[He almost falls asleep and drops the picture.]

Reagan: Five, five… six… [nodding off] Seven…

[A black screen wipes down from the top and covers up the shot.]

Reagan: [faintly] Eight…


Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable | Cable TV Providers | Charter Cable

SNL Transcripts: Olivia Newton-John: 05/22/82: Not a Record Ad

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 20

81t: Olivia Newton-John

Not a Record Ad

Announcer…..Joe Piscopo

Announcer: How many times has this happened to you?

[ image: Tony Orlando ]

Announcer: Tony Orlando comes into your home —

[ image: living room set ]

Announcer: and rearranges your furniture. Well, this may never need happen again, thanks to this remarkable ad you are now watching. And, despite the fact that we mentioned Tony Orlando —

[ image: Tony Orlando ]

Announcer: This is NOT a record ad!

[ image: record album, with flashing SUPER: “Not A Record Ad” ]

Announcer: Yes, you’ve seen our commercial for the Imitation Nun…

[ image: a nun ]

Announcer: The Odorless Light Bulb…

[ image: light bulb, with SUPER: “It’s Odorless” ]

Announcer: And, of course, the revolutionary new Mr. Garlic.

[ image: aeroseol canister ]

Announcer: So… if you send before Midnight tonight, you’ll save yourself the time, the cost, and the aggravation of having to do it tomorrow. So don’t be fooled by ANYTHING you hear in this commercial, because…

[ image: record album, with flashing SUPER: “Not A Record Ad” ]

Announcer: This is NOT a record ad!

[ image: Dentist working on patient ]

Announcer: Imagine the savings on dental bills alone!

[ image: series of rodents ]

Announcer: Never be bothered again by pesky, small animals… billing their costly long-distance calls to YOU!

[ image: woman in record store, with flashing SUPER: “Not A Record Ad” ]

Announcer: This ad is NOT available in any store. So say goodbye to annondized aluminum, and NO salesman will ever call!

[ image: record album, with large “X” over disclaimer: ]

Announcer: Offer null where void. California residents slightly higher.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts