Category: 1981

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 17

81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

Elton John performs “Empty Garden (Hey, Hey Johnny)”

…..Johnny Cash
…..Elton John

[FADE IN on Johnny Cash at home base wearing a tuxedo suit and shirt with a bow tie. Nigel Olsson’s band can be seen behind him.]

Johnny Cash: [smiling] And now it’s my pleasure to introduce our special musical guest: Elton John!!

[Cash gestures smoothly to his right toward Elton at the piano as the crowd cheers wildly. Elton is bedecked in a subtle neon blue jacket with a dark pink shirt underneath, and a black gaucho hat on his head. Johnny Cash bows formally to him, and Elton starts into “Empty Garden” alone on vocals and piano.]

Elton John: [ singing]“What happened here,
As the New York sunset disappeared?
I found an empty garden
Among the flagstones there.

Who lived here?
He must’ve been a gardener that cared a lot,
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop.

And now it all looks strange.
It’s funny how one insect
Can damage so much grain.

And what’s it for,
This little empty garden
By the brownstone door?
And in the cracks along the sidewalk,
Nothing grows no more.

Who lived here?
He must’ve been a gardener that cared a lot,
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop.

And they are so amazed.
We’re crippled and we’re dazed.
A gardener like that one,
No one can replace.

And I’ve been knockin’,
But no one answers,
And I’ve been knockin’
Most of the day.

Oh, and I’ve been callin’,
“Oh, hey, hey, Johnny,
Can’t you come out to play?”

And through their tears,
Some say he farmed his best in younger years,
But he’d have said that roots grow stronger
If only he could hear.

Who lived there?
He must’ve been a gardener that cared a lot,
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop.

And now we pray for rain.
And with every drop that falls,
We hear, we hear your name.

And I’ve been knockin’,
But no one answers,
And I’ve been knockin’
Most of the day.

Oh, and I’ve been callin’,
“Oh, hey, hey, Johnny,
Can’t you come out to play?”

And I’ve been knockin’,
But no one answers,
And I’ve been knockin’
Most of the day.

Oh, and I’ve been callin’,
“Oh, hey, hey, Johnny,
Can’t you come out,
Can’t you come out to play?

Johnny,
Can’t you come out to play
In your empty garden?”

[Elton and the Nigel Olsson band repeat the ending several times, then play an instrumental for several bars. Finally they quiet to just vocals and Elton on piano.]

In your empty garden?
“Johnny,
Can’t you come out to play
In your empty garden?””

[Wild applause from the audience once the song is finished. Elton gives his overbite grin and mouths “Thank you” over the cheers. One audience member is heard repeatedly yelling, “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” through the applause. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

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  Season 7: Episode 17

81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

Elton John performs “Ball and Chain”

…..Johnny Cash
…..Elton John

[FADE IN on Johnny Cash at home base, where he stands bedecked in classic Elton John attire: a huge gold robe, a pink feather boa reaching to the floor, blinding gold chains on his chest, and outsized glasses with pink feathers sticking out of the lenses. Audience hoots in approval.]

Johnny Cash: [grinning and waving his arms] Workin’ with our special guest… [applause] Working with our special guest has been a big thrill for me. He’s a wonderful entertainer, and you can’t work with a guy like Elton John without having his showmanship and flash rub off on ya–so… Elton, I hope ya don’t mind, but I took the liberty of, uh, borrowin’ these threads, and ladies and gentlemen… once again… Elton John.

[Cash gestures to his left. FADE to Elton at his piano with the band behind him. The drummer hits it a second or two later.]

Elton John: [ singing ]“I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
And you were the one to blame
For tearin’ my world apart.

I got a heart so true,
You got a heart of ice.
A little more love from you,
It could’ve been paradise.

I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
And if it’s all the same,
Maybe we should part.

And I say,
Do-do-do-do-doo
Do-do-do-do
Do-do do-do, yeah.

Do-do-do-do-do
Do-do-do-do
Do-do do-do.

You had to tie me down,
Oh, inside a cage of doubt.
I’m sick of bein’ kicked around,
So this is where I get out.

I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
And if it’s all the same,
Maybe we should part.

And I say, Do-do-do-do-do…
[repeat]

Oooooooh-wee, baby,
You tried to hold me
But you were slowly
Drivin’ me insane.

Oooooooh-wee, baby.

[changes keys]

I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
And you were the one to blame
For tearin’ my world apart.

I got a heart so true,
You got a heart of ice.
A little more love from you,
It could’ve been paradise.

[changes back to original key]

I couldn’t take the pain,
You couldn’t take my love,
So I’m gonna quit this game,
‘Cause, baby, I’ve had enough.

I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
And if it’s all the same,
Maybe we should part.

And I say, Do-do-do-do-do…
[repeat]

I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
(Around my heart)…

[Repeat the refrain and chorus twice, and then the band kicks into the finish.]

Ball and chain…
Ball and chain…

And I’m sayin, Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo…”

[They repeat the chorus once more, and then the song ends. Audience cheers heartily as Elton leaps from the piano bench, kicks up his heels, and stands proudly with his band.]

Audience Member: OHHHHHHHHHHH! OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[Elton shakes his left earlobe, a la Carol Burnett, and acknowledges the cheers. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

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  Season 7: Episode 17

81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

Reagan Directs

Reagan…..Joe Piscopo
Mike Kramer…..Tim Kazurinsky
Edwin Meese…..Tony Rosato
Secretary…..Christine Ebersole
Margaret Thatcher…..Mary Gross
General Leopoldo Galtieri…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[FADE IN on a slide of the White House as “Hail to the Chief” plays. FADE to Reagan from a first-person perspective at the Oval Office desk, where he is holding a map of the Western Hemisphere before him. A man’s hand is pointing at the Caribbean.]

Voice: And if you follow this plan, Mr. President, we’ll be in the Caribbean by June.

Reagan: Well, sounds like a good strategy, young fella!

[ENTER Edwin Meese from the right.]

Meese: Hi, Ron. What’re you planning here, Ron, what’s going on?

Reagan: Oh, hi, Ed!

Meese: [indicates Kramer] Uh, who’s this guy, Ron?

Reagan: This is Mike Kramer: my travel agent!

Kramer: [extends hand] Pleased to meet you, Mr. Meese.

Meese: [shakes hand politely] Nice to meet you, sir.

Reagan: We were just mapping out my next working vacation. Hey, Ed, how does Aruba sound to you?

Meese: It’s great, Ron, wherever. [to Kramer] Look, uh, excuse me, uh, would you excuse us just for a second, please? [gestures to door] Thank you.

Kramer: Oh, sure.

[Kramer smiles tightly and hastily leaves.]

Reagan: Uh, uh, uh, Mike, don’t forget: twin beds.

[Kramer waves shortly and beats it.]

Meese: So, Ronnie, did you have a good time in the Barbados, huh?

Reagan: Oh, just swell! Anything happen while I was gone, Ed?

Meese: Well, nothing that concerns you, Ron, huh? [smiles contemptuously]

Reagan: Ed, uh, didn’t anyone call me?

Meese: No. [glances around anxiously] Look, Ron, I have some, uh, some important meetings to take place in your office, and, uh, I need it right now, okay? So, uh, I’m gonna have some people come in, and I want you to take off that RIDICULOUS Don Ho shirt–[reaches for Reagan’s head]–and I want you to take off this SNORKEL!

[Meese yanks a blue rubber snorkel off the President’s head.]

Meese: Vacation’s over, Ron!

[He stalks out irritably. Reagan watches him leave, then his eyes turn back toward the fireplace in the center.]

Reagan: [clears throat] “Day-o… day-o…”

[Two maracas stick out in his hands, and he stands up and walks toward a mirror with them.]

Reagan: [singing] “Daylight come, and me wanna go home. Day-o… day-o…”

[Reagan steps in front of the mirror and examines himself. Joe Piscopo as Reagan appears in the mirror, where he wears a loud tropical shirt and holds out his maracas.]

Reagan: Gee! What a terrific tan! This’ll look great on TV.

[He steps away from the mirror but then moves back toward it.]

Reagan: Maybe I ought to call a press conference!

[A buzzer goes off, and Reagan wanders back toward his desk and presses down the bar on the front of the buzzer.]

Secretary: [over speaker] Have you seen Mr. Meese?

Reagan: Ah, you just missed him!

Secretary: Oh, FOO. I have some people here waiting to see him! Would you mind entertaining them until he gets back?

Reagan: I’d be GLAD to!

[He releases the bar and looks toward the door. A moment later, the secretary steps in.]

Secretary: [gestures out door] Uh, Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and President Leopoldo Galtieri of Argentina.

[Thatcher and Galtieri stride in, she in a prim business suit, while he wears a military uniform and puffs on a cigar.]

Reagan: Oh, hey, well–come on in! Come on in, make yourself at home! Margaret, Leo, sit down! Sit down.

[They stiffly sit in chairs opposite the desk.]

Reagan: So! What’s new?

[laughter]

Thatcher: Ron, as you may or may NOT have heard, uh, the Argentines have gone and seized our Balklands, or Falklands.

Galtieri: The Malvinas. We have only taken what was always ours.

[Thatcher stands and approaches the desk.]

Thatcher: Mr. President, as you closest Western ally, I must INSIST… [softly pounds desk] …on you unqualified support.

Galtieri: [approaches desk] Mr. President, may I remind you that our mutual defense pact compels you to defend us!

Reagan: Gee, uh, I like you BOTH. Uh, gosh, this is a tough one. Uh… y’know, I’ve been a major movie star, and, uh, I’ve been a cowboy with my own horse, uh, I’ve been a president, uh, but what I’ve always wanted to do is DIRECT. [holds out palms] Now, General: imagine you’re all alone on a lush tropical island, you know, like the one in “The Blue Lagoon.”

[Reagan peers down on his desk and turns on a tape recorder. Hawaiian guitar music starts playing.]

Reagan: Yeah, uh, uh, the scent of orchids fires your Latin blood. Then you suddenly see her. The waves lapping at her sarong. It’s Maggie!

[Thatcher self-consciously rubs her palms on her suit.]

Reagan: Now, you think you hate her, but you just can’t resist her. Kind of like Doris Day and Rock Hudson in “Pillow Talk.” All right, uh, General, now take her in your arms…

Galtieri: What is my motivation?

Reagan: A dozen–

[laughter]

Reagan: Your motivation is a dozen F-16 jet fighters.

Galtieri: I got it.

[He cradles his arm around Thatcher’s shoulders. She reluctantly squeezes his waist.]

Reagan: Okay. Okay, kids, now, have fun with it. Action! Leo, embrace her, now, don’t FIGHT it, c’mon, Maggie, you want it BAD. That’s right! That’s right! Now, your lips meet. Uh, no TONGUES. No tongues.

[The two leaders awkwardly touch their lips together.]

Reagan: Now that–good, good. That’s great.

[Edwin Meese bursts in with folders in his hand.]

Meese: OKAY! CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT! RON, I said “cut.” [to others] All right, that’s a take, everybody, nice work. Mrs. Thatcher, would you excuse us? General, nice work out there. [motions for them to leave] Good motivation out there, too.

[they exit]

Reagan: Gee, uh, uh, Ed?

Meese: Yah.

Reagan: You never mentioned the Falkland Islands to ME. Do they have snorkeling down there?

Meese: Yeah, look, Ron, why don’t you just read it up for yourself, okay? [pats folders] There you go. I’ll see you later. [exits]

[Reagan examines an 8×10 black-and-white glossy of a closely packed herd of sheep.]

Reagan: All right. Oh, look at all the sheep they’ve got down there. Boy, that’s a lotta sheep. [starts counting them] One, two, three… [yawns] Four…

[He almost falls asleep and drops the picture.]

Reagan: Five, five… six… [nodding off] Seven…

[A black screen wipes down from the top and covers up the shot.]

Reagan: [faintly] Eight…

[applause]

Submitted by: Sean

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  Season 7: Episode 17

81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

Tegrim Shampoo

Roommate…..Christine Ebersole
Kathy…..Robin Duke
…..Johnny Cash

[FADE IN on a blonde woman walking up to an open door.]

Roommate: [through door] Kathy, it’s almost time for the party!

Kathy: [whining] Ohhhhhhhhhhhh…

[Kathy walks out of the room in a blue dress slip.]

Kathy: I don’t know WHAT to WEAR! What about my new cocktail dress?

Roommate: [doubtfully] You mean the black one?

Kathy: Uh-huh!

Roommate: Maybe you better not.

Kathy: Why not?

Rooomate: [puts an arm around her shoulders] Kathy, have you ever thought about problem dandruff? Maybe you need Tegrim.

Kathy: ME? I don’t have dandruff!

Roommate: Well, here. Let’s take the test.

[CUT to the living room, where Johnny Cash is sitting on a sofa, his arms propped up nonchalantly on the back. Kathy and her friend walk up behind him as the audience laughs.]

Roommate: Shake your hair over Johnny Cash.

[Kathy shrugs.]

Roommate: Go ahead.

[Kathy shakes her hair down on Johnny’s right shoulder. Audience laughs as he brushes off his shoulder and she stares at his suit in disbelief.]

Kathy: Ohhh! You’re right! I DO have problem DANDRUFF!

[Johnny continues brushing off his arm and the rest of his black suit. Kathy and her roommate lean down over his shoulders.]

Roommate: [to camera] Can YOUR hair pass the Tegrim test? Shake YOUR head over Johnny Cash. If it shows up on the man in black:

Kathy and Roommate: Time for Tegrim.

[SUPERIMPOSE those words over bottom of screen. Both women smile sweetly as Johnny finishes dusting off Kathy’s dandruff and stares expressionless into the camera. FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

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  Season 7: Episode 17

81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

The Train Poet

Passenger…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Poet…..Johnny Cash
Conductor…..Tony Rosato

[FADE IN on an Amtrak commuter train pulling away from a platform. FADE to inside the train, where a passenger enters a crowded car as video of passing cityscapes zooms by in the windows. Wearing a blue suit and carrying a briefcase, he makes his way up the aisle and presses his hand on an empty seat for balance. In the next seat, a man in a gray suit pats the empty seat cushion, and the passenger collapses with a sigh. The other man glances down at his newspaper while the blue-suited passenger checks his watch.]

Passenger: Excuse me, my watch stopped. Is this the 7:45?

Poet: [stares at him] This is the 7:58, the Direct Express. This is the finest train I’ve ever known.

[The passenger nods politely and opens his newspaper.]

Poet: [points to himself] I’m a man who LIKES the train. The romance of the railroad that opened up the plains. I love riding through the city with the pretty countryside outside, With captains of industry and general managers, executive officers, and their chief counsels. And the force that forces sales predicted by the prophets That generate the energy that turns the wheel that moves the train.

[points to himself and grins] And that moves ME.

I mean… twice a day.
All week long.
Listen to the wheels, my friend, Just pick up speed when we come around this bend.
The, the telephone poles get closer together.
And the train, and you, and I,
We all find the same rhythm.

[Again, the passenger only gives a curt nod and tries to concentrate on his newspaper.]

Poet: And the open spaces:
They become more suburban.
School buses, bicycles, greeting the day.
[leans toward him] All into the city, clickety-clack, clickety-clack.

[laughter]

Poet: Taller buildings by the track,
And the faces briefly seen,
Look back through the back windows of our lives.
We rock, and we ride together, you and I,
Neither here nor there,
Then under the tunnel, and under the streets,
And the final feet of iron,
[pounds chest] Where the heart beats.
People gather by the door,
And there’s a sense of expectation…

[The window footage suddenly turns to dark brick walls.]

Poet: And then you hear the words:

Conductor: [entering car] Grand Central Station! Grand Central Station… [The steward exits down the aisle as the other passengers stand up to detrain.]

Passenger: Yeah, well, uh… end of the line. Time to get off, time to go to work.

Poet: Well, I’m afraid not, my friend.
[points to himself] I’m a man who likes the train.

[soft Muzak rises]

Poet: I’ll take the train to Frisco,
Or up to Montreal.
I’ll take the train to Houston,
Or I’ll take it to Saint Paul.
But like my father told me
Just before he died,
If you take the train to work,
You won’t enjoy the ride.

[He nods and gestures to him.]

Poet: Have a nice day.

[Applause as the passenger briskly walks away to disembark and the poet starts off in the other direction. Instead of leaving, the poet merely sits down in the next seat and reopens his newspaper. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

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  Season 7: Episode 18


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 24th, 1982

Robert Culp

Charlie Daniels Band

None

None

Neil Levy
I-SpyRecurring Characters: Billie Jean King, Bill Cosby

Montage

Middle Age of AquariusRecurring Characters: Mary Travers.

Party Girl

Charlie Daniels Band performs “Still in Saigon”

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

Uterus

James Brown is AnnieRecurring Characters: James Brown.

Sunken SubmarineSummary: Life goes on for the crew of the U.S.S. Cunningham, despite their having wrecked on the bottom of the ocean floor in 1963.

Babies in MakeupSummary: In a short film by Edward Bianchi, babies and toddlers are glammed up to the sounds of “Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar)” by The Doors.

Note: Repeat from: 81i.

Happy’s Mayonnaise Palace

Charlie Daniels Band performs “The Devil Went Down to Georgia”

Goodnights

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 19


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 15th, 1982

Danny DeVito

Sparks

Andy Kaufman

Christopher Lloyd

Marilu Henner

Tony Danza

Judd Hirsch

Yvonne Hudson

Neil Levy

Jerry Lawler

Julia DeVito
Andy Kaufman Teaser

Montage

Danny DeVito’s MonologueSummary: After announcing that ABC has abruptly cancelled “Taxi” for low ratings, Danny DeVito brings out the cast so they can make their final bow.

Also Hosted: 83b, 87f, 88g, 92j, 99h.

Note: HBO wanted to acquire “Taxi” and produce new episodes on its cable station, but NBC secured the rights first and placed it on the same night and time slot it had at ABC. It was scheduled back-to-back with new sitcom “Cheers”; both shows had been created by the Charles-Burrows-Charles team. “Taxi” again finished that season with low ratings and was cancelled once and for all.

Transcript

TaxiSummary: Louie DePalma (Danny DeVito) drives a cab to ABC’s headquarters and detonates the building with a bomb.

Transcript

The WhinersSummary: Doug (Joe Piscopo) and Wendy Whiner (Robin Duke) annoy a fellow passenger (Danny DeVito) while preparing for a flight aboard an airplane.

Recurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner.

Transcript

Executive Stress TestSummary: Just as he receives a great promotion at work, Bob Hoskins (Danny DeVito) finds himself stressed out over a series of events that appear to be out of his control.

Transcript

Sparks performs “Mickey Mouse”Lyrics

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurrayRecurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky, Lou Grant.

Transcript

Solomon & PudgeRecurring Characters: Solomon, Pudge.

Enzo MouthwashRecurring Characters: Ozzy Osbourne.

America is Turning GaySummary: Spoofing Dr. Pepper’s “Be A Pepper” and “America’s Turning 7-Up” jingles, Americans dance in the streets to celebrate their sudden openness in being gay.

Note: Repeat from 81o.

Table TalkSummary: Tony Rosato demonstrates how to skillfully order wine without being taken for a chump by the Steward (Nate Herman).

Transcript

No More WrestlingSummary: Brian Doyle-Murray interviews Andy Kaufman about his recent match with professional wrestler Jerry Lawler.

Transcript

Looks at Books

Sparks performs “I Predict”

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 19

81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

The Whiners

…..Danny DeVito
…..Julia DeVito

Danny DeVito: Yow!! Now, I’d like to introduce you to the woman who wrote that letter — My momma, Julia DeVito! [ the audience applauds wildly ] Alright, Julia! Alright! Yeah!

[ Ronald Mael is lifted in the background ]

Danny DeVito: Now, Ma — Is there anything you want to say more to ABC?

Julia DeVito: Yeah! [ she rambles in Italian ] To A.B.C.: Es stupida! [ she flicks her thumb over her front teeth, then continues smoking her cigarette ]

[ the audience cheers wildly ]

Tony Danza: Yeah, Julia! Way to go, baby! [ he kisses her ]

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  Season 7: Episode 19

81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

No More Wrestling

…..Brian Doyle-Murray
…..Andy Kaufman
…..Jerry Lawler

[ open on Brian Doyle-Murray seated next to Andy Kaufman ]

Brian Doyle-Murray: Andy Kaufman has been a frequent guest on “Saturday Night Live”. It was on this show, in 1979, that Andy first wrestled a woman on natinoal television. Well, since thn, he has wrestled and defeated over 400 women. However, last month, in Memphis, Andy wrestled a man for the first time. Not just ,i>any man, but the Southern Heavyweight Champion Jerry Lawler. Good evening, Andy. How did this match come about?

Andy Kaufman: Well, uh — as you said, I was wrestling women and, uh, I went down to Memphis and I wrestled a lot of women down there, and, uh, in my — in doing so, I made fun of Memphis and said a lot of things against Memphis and against a lot of people down there. So I was challenged by this man — Jerry Lawler.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, what made you decide to accept his challenge?

Andy Kaufman: Well… being that after having 400 wrestlnig matches with women and winning every one of them, and, uh — some of them being bigger than Jerry Lawler — I was stupid enough to think that I had, you know, I had a chance against him.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Jerry Lawler was quite serious about this match. Let’s take a look at his challenge to Andy.

[ cut to filmed footage from Jerry Lawler ]

Jerry Lawler: I make my living — I put my food on the table — by WRESTLING! And it’s a very serious sport to me. And I don’t like anybody like you coming around and making fun of it, or thinking they can do it just coming in walking off the street! So I’m gonna show you just how SERIOUS it is! So don’t expect any mercy from me, Andy Kaufman! Because when you climb into that ring, I’m gonna consider you a PROFESSIONAL wrestler! And I’m gonna BURST your bubble about being a wrestler! And it’ll be the last time you’ll ever want to wrestle, the last time you’ll ever want to step in the ring, and the last time that you fantasize about being a wrestler. Andy Kaufman — You’re gonna get HURT, Son!

[ return to Brian Doyle-Murray and Andy Kaufman ]

Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, that particular match took place last month at the Midsouth Coliseum in Memphis, Tennessee. Let’s take a look at some of the action, with ringside commentary by Lance Russell.

[ cut to the match footage ] [ bell dings ]

Lance Russell V/O: Here we go! And the bell time has sounded.

[ Lawler lunges forward, but Kaufman lifts a foot over the ropes to safety as the referee jumps between them ]

Lance Russell V/O: Referee Jerry Caulhoun. As Kaufman, at 160, is giving away better than 70 pounds to the king. Kaufman using the ropes as Lawler just stands and waits.

[ Kaufman taunts Lawler from a safe distance ]

Lance Russell V/O: Kaufman, right now, making fun of Lawler. Not a good idea. Again, he’s going into his monkey routine. Lawler looking mammoth in comparison with Andy Kaufman.

[ Kaufman rushes back over the rope to safety ]

Lance Russell V/O: Andy Kaufman just may have overstepped his fantasy by stepping in with one of THE toughest wrestlers in the world.

[ Lawler follows Kaufman around the ring, until Kaufman again steps over the ropes ]

Lance Russell V/O: Lawler, ready for a little contact. Kaufman, on the outside, on the apron. Referee Jerry Calhoun. And Kaufman gets right back out. He broke the count. And he’s showing everybody just how smart he was, and I would have to agree with him. The smartest thing he could do is stay away from Lawler all night long.

[ wipe to later in the match ]

Lance Russell V/O: Now Lawler’s getting tired. He gets out of the ring.

[ Lawler grabs a microphone and addresses Kaufman ]

Jerry Lawler: Let me ask you something: Did you come down here to wrestle, or act like an ASS?

[ the crowd cheers ]

Lance Russell V/O: Lawler, confronting Kaufman verbally, as he hadn’t been able to lay a hand — and the crowd reacting to it. Jerry said, “Did you come down here to wrestle, or to act like… so and so?”

Jerry Lawler: I’ll stand right in the middle of the ring — YOU put the headlock on me! I’m gonna give you the first shot!

[ wipe to Lawler standing in the ring waiting for Kaufman to take his free shot ]

Lance Russell V/O: Lawler saying, “I’ll stand in the middle of the ring and let you put a headlock on me.” He said, “I’ll give you the first shot. Now, come on, let’s wrestle!” Lawler still waiting as Kaufman, reluctant to even take a free headlock on… [ Kaufman wraps his arm around Lawler’s neck ] Oh, now he goes. Lawler hasn’t done anything. Kaufman very, very tentative. [ Lawler raises a pointed finer ] Lawler lifted up a finger, as if to say: “Are you ready? Wait one minute.” And now Kaufman’s got him! Bob Zmuda, his ring manager, saying, “Squeeze down on him.” Lawler grabs him! Straight up!

[ Lawler grabs Kaufman, raises him in the air, then drops backward ]

Lance Russell V/O: And he SLAMS Kaufman! On a side — Kaufman is down, and maybe out! No, his leg’s twitching.

[ Kaufman twitches, then Lawler grabs him by his neck and holds him upside-down ]

Lance Russell V/O: Lawler, with a piledriver! Only the second —

[ Lawler drops Kaufman again ]

Lance Russell V/O: It’s gonna be a disqualification! Danny Dennis, his manager, not believing it. Jerry Lawler — six minutes and fifty seconds, with a piledriver — has been disqualified. The winner, by disqualification: Andy Kaufman.

[ Lawler grabs Kaufman by the neck again ]

Lance Russell V/O: Lawler, rolling Kaufman. He’s gonna give it to him again. He figures he’s already lost it.

[ Lawler flips Kaufman upside-down again, and drops him to the mat ]

Lance Russell V/O: And Kaufman is OUT COLD!

[ wipe to slow-motion instant replay ]

Brian Doyle-Murray V/O: Ooh, let’s take a look at the drop again in slow motion. Andy, now what was going through your mind, uh, at the time there?

Andy Kaufman V/O: Well… actually, I don’t really remember too much. I just remember a lot of pain and dizzyness. And I don’t remember much what it felt like, actually.

Brian Doyle-Murray V/O: Uh huh. Well, they had to carry you out of the ring, Andy. That was your exit from this match. How do you feel now?

[ dissolve back to Brian and Andy onstage ]

Andy Kaufman: Well, um — I just feel — I — I would just like to apologize to — I’m probably never gonna wrestle again. I don’t plan on ever wrestling again. Uh… [ the audience applauds ] I would just — What happened to me, it probably serves me right, and I deserved it, and I want to apologize to all the wrestling people — the promoters and the wrestlers who I’ve caused any discomfort to for making a mockery of the sport these past few years, and I‘d also like to apologize to… to, uh… to all the women that I’ve wrestled and all the women who I’ve said, you know, who I’ve offended by saying those nasty things that I’ve been saying, and I’d like to apologize to the public in general. If I’ve offended anybody, I’m sorry, and you know, I just… all I can say is, I’m sorry… and I hope that you’ll forgive me.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Thank you, Andy!

[ they shake hands ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 19

81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

Danny DeVito’s Monologue

…..Danny DeVito
…..Andy Kaufman
…..Christopher Lloyd
…..Marilu Henner
…..Tony Danza
…..Judd Hirsch

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Danny DeVito and the cast of “Saturday Night Live”!

[ DeVito poses with the cast, then saunters in front of the audience alone as they all scatter ]

Danny DeVito: Well… “Taxi” was cancelled by ABC! [ the audience boos ] That is, uh, the American Broadcasting Company! A… B… C! [ he makes a slit motion across his throat ] Huh? Huh? Huh? Well, you know, actors, actors, actors — we roll with the punches! [ he mimes getting K.O.’d ] Uh — You know, you’re up, you’re down, you’re up, you’re down… working, you’re out of work… flushed… you’re broke. It was REAL hard on my mother. [ he pulls a letter out of his pocket ] This afternoon, my… little… immigrant… Italian mother… she gave me this letter. She said to me: “Danny… [ in an Italian accent ] I want-a you-a to read-a this on-a national-a TV!” Okay, I’ll do it. [ he opens the letter ] Alright… [ reading ] “Son… You have been besmirched by men so shallow… that they do not know the depths to which their deeds have taken them. [ he shrugs ] May God forgive them, but of course we will understand if He does not. Love, Momma.” Wow!

I’ll tell you — The ONE thing that really bothers me is… I mean, like all actors, we’ve been in show and they’ve flopped — like one night, or something — but the one thing that you always got was your final bow. I mean… We didn’t get our final bow! I mean, we filmed our last show this year on March 5th, and… we didn’t KNOW it was our last show! It’s devastating, to find out your cancelled and you don’t get the final bow! Well, tonight, thanks to my comedy brothers and sisters here at “Saturday Night Live” — [ the audience applauds ] Yes! That’s right! I am gonna bring out the cast of “Taxi” for their FINAL BOW!

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Danny DeVito: Latka Gravas, played by ANDY KAUFMAN!

[ Andy Kaufman, with his neck brace, comes out and takes a bow ]

Danny DeVito: Jim Ignatowski, played by CHRISTOPHER LLOYD!

[ Christopher Lloyd comes out and takes a bow ]

Danny DeVito: Elaine Nardo, played by MARILU HENNER!

[ Marilu Henner comes out and takes a bow ]

Danny DeVito: Tony Banta, played by TONY DANZA!

[ Tony Danza comes out and takes a bow ]

Danny DeVito: And ALEX RIEGER, played by JUDD HIRSCH!

[ Judd Hirsch comes out and takes a bow ]

[ the audience applauds ecstatically each time, until they finally give a standing ovation ]

Danny DeVito: Alright, that’s good! That’s good! Okay!

[ Judd Hirsch raises his hand to silence the audience ]

Judd Hirsch: And, of course… And, of course: [ he cups his hands to his mouth ] AND LOUIE DEPALMA, PLAYED BY DANNY DEVITO!!

[ the audience applauds wildly as DeVito hugs each of his co-stars ]

Danny DeVito: Alright! We will be right… BACK!

SNL Transcripts

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