SNL Transcripts: Danny DeVito: 05/15/82: Executive Stress Test

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 19

81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

Executive Stress Test

Bill Hoskins…..Danny DeVito
Secretary…..Christine Ebersole
Mary Hoskins…..Mary Gross
Miguel…..Tony Rosato
Don…..Joe Piscopo
Drug Dealer…..Eddie Murphy
J.P.G…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open on Bill Hoskins standing in his office, as the phone buzzes ]

Bill Hoskins: Hello? Yes?

Secretary: Mrs. Hoskins is on the phone.

Bill Hoskins: Good! [ he grabs the phone ] Hello, honey? Hello, honey, can you hear me? Oh, wait a secod. [ he puts her on speakerphone ] Honey, can you hear me?

Mary Hoskins: Sure!

Bill Hoskins: Oh, good! Order the lawn furniture, honey! I did it! You’re now talking to a Senior Vice-President!

Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, that’s wonderful!

Bill Hoskins: For fifteen years, I’ve been working my tail off and, FINALLY, somebody noticed!

Mary Hoskins: Of course, they did! You’re the BEST!

Bill Hoskins: Oh, honey! In ten minutes… I’m gonna be heading to the 43rd Floor, where I’m wining and dining with J.P.G. and the whole board of directors!

Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, I love you!

Bill Hoskins: I couldn’t have done it without you, honey! You’re a real champ! [ he blows kisses into the phone ]

[ his Secretary enters ]

Secretary: Excuse me, Mr. Hoskins?

Bill Hoskins: I’ll call you right back, honey! [ he hangs up ]

Secretary: I just want to say, Mr. Hoskins, that it’s been a wonderful experience working with you.

Bill Hoskins: Well… by the way, Beth… If you don’t mind a rather SUBSTANTIAL pay hike, I’d like to bring you aboard! I already cleared it with Personnel.

Secretary: [ stammering ] Oh, I — I — I — [ she salutes ] I’m mighty glad to be aboard!

Bill Hoskins: [ he salutes back ] At ease!

[ the phone rings ]

Secretary: [ answering ] Mr. Hoskins’ office. Just a moment, please. [ to Bob ] It’s Mrs. Hoskins.

[ he puts his wife on speakerphone ]

Bill Hoskins: Yeah?

Mary Hoskins: Oh, I’m sorry to bother you, darling, but I forgot to remind you that we’re supposed to have dinner tonight with the Harrisons, and — [ she begins panting wildy ] Oh, no…! Ohhhh…!

Bill Hoskins: [ confused ] Mary! Mary, are you alright?!

Mary Hoskins: [ panting ] My phone…! Give me that phone!

Miguel: No! No, my baby! Tell him NOW! Tell him of the deep feeling between us!

Bill Hoskins: MARY!! MARY!! Who is that man?!!

Mary Hoskins: Ohhh, he’s just a… OHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

[ the phone goes dead ]

Bill Hoskins: Did you HEAR that?!

Secretary: I’m… sure she’ll have a very convincing explanation, Mr. Hoskins…

Bill Hoskins: I should… I should call her!

[ Don enters ]

Don: Heyyyyyy, Billy! Congratulations, you son of a gun, youuuuu!

Bill Hoskins: Hello, Don! Don! Thanks! Thank you! [ they hug ]

Secretary: You have six minutes, Mr. Hoskins.

Bill Hoskins: Alright!

[ she exits ]

Don: Just wanted to tell you, pal — No hard feelings, I think the BEST man won!

Bill Hoskins: Oh, that is BEAUTIFUL, Don! I know how much you wanted this job.

Don: Wellll, I’m a team player, Bill, what can I tell you?

Bill Hoskins: Well, you’re a real stand-up guy, Don! You know, I really thought they were gonna give it to you! I mean, you’ve got seniority, you’ve got more experience, you’ve got an I.Q. that makes me look like a tree slug!

Don: [ laughing ] That’s true! But, you know what? You’ve got something special, and a LOT more valuable: Natural Leadership! Yeah! And let me tell you something else, Billy baby: I’m gonna be behind you EVERY step down the line!

Bill Hoskins: Awwww! Don, Don, like I said, you are a stand-up guy!

[ a Black man enters the office ]


Bill Hoskins: Say, hey! Who are you?

Drug Dealer: Hey, be cool, man! I got your ounce! [ he drops a baggie in Bill’s hand ]

Bill Hoskins: Well, what…? Wait! What is this?! What is this stuff?!

Don: It looks like an illegal addictive drug to me, Bill! [ he laughs ]

Bill Hoskins: What…?!

Drug Dealer: You know, to be perfectly honest, man, you should stop freebasing your blow — You’re gonna kill yourself.

Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey! Hey, hey, I don’t know what THAT means, and I son’t know who YOU are, so get the hell out of here and take this stuff WITH you, Buster!

Drug Dealer: Buster? Hey, yo — Look, man, you better give me the money you owe me, or I’m gonna bust you in your FACE, man!

Bill Hoskins: [ into his phone ] Beth?! Call Security!

Drug Dealer: Yo, what is this, man? I been carrying you for a whole month, you gonna call Security on me? [ he opens a switchblade ] I’m gonna cut your THROAT!

Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey! Hey! Hey!

Don: [ laughing ] Bill, you’d better give your dealer what he wants, pal, huh?

Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey — What are you, crazy?! I’ve never seen this man before in my life!

Don: Hey, pal, look — You guys are talking business! Three is a crowd. Uh, I’ll see you later.

Bill Hoskins: Hey, some stand-up guy you are!

Don: I guess the best man won after all, huh, Billy, huh? [ he mimes taking a snort, then exits ]

[ Secretary storms in ]

Secretary: YOU ANIMAL!! I just got my results back from the company physical! You’ve given me HERPES SIMPLEX!! It’s INCURABLE!! I’m RUINED for LIFE!!

Bill Hoskins: I’m sorry…!

Secretary: I just called your wife, and as soon as she’s able to talk, I’m gonna tell her that she’s got, it, too! And so does that damn gardener — Miguel!! [ she grabs the phone and puts it on speaker ]

Drug Dealer: Hey, man, you got no class at all, you know that?

[ over the phone, Mrs. Hoskins pants furiously ]

Miguel: Awwwwww, we will tell him together, my honey…! We will spend all his money!

Mary Hoskins: Ohhh, you’re so BOSS, my darling…! Ohhhh, yes!!

Bill Hoskins: Mary!! For God’s sake, Mary!!

Secretary: [ to the Drug Dealer ] Give it to him!

[ the Drug Dealer grabs Bill by the tie and holds his switchblade in front of Bill’s face ]

Bill Hoskins: No, no! Please! Please, no! Please!! No, no, no! Please, don’t!

[ suddenly, everyone in the room begins to clap ]

J.P.G.: Bravo! Bravo, everybody! Bravo! Just great! [ to the Drug Dealer ] You were terrific, young man! Miss Rogers has your check.

Drug Dealer: Thank you, Sir! It was a great part! Nice working with you, Mr. Hoskins. Good luck with your future. Y’all take it easy. [ he exits ]

Bill Hoskins: [ surprised ] J.P.G.?!

J.P.G.: [ laughing ] That’s right! That Captain of this great big schooner of ours! How do you feel?

Bill Hoskins: Well… I’m a little shaky, but I feel okay…

J.P.G.: Perfect! Perfect! Listen, you just passed our Human Reliability Executive Stress Test! [ he laughs ]

Secretary: Mr. Hoskins, you were just WONDERFUL!

Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, I’m so PROUD!! And wasn’t Miguel just terrific?

Miguel: Muchos gracious, eh, Mr. Hoskins?

J.P.G.: You see, Hoskins — Before we move a man into a top management slot, we’ve gotta make sure that he WON’T crack under ANY pressure at all! You know? THe best scientific minds have devised these stress tests.

Bill Hoskins: Well, I-I hope I-I measured up to your expectations…

J.P.G.: [ he laughs boisterously ] You were WONDERFUL! Listen — anybody else, a normal mind, would have SNAPPED with what you just went through! Hoskins, you’ve got the RIGHT stuff!

Bill Hoskins: Sir, this is the PROUDEST day of my life!

J.P.G.: I’ll bet you worked up quite a little appetite, huh?

Bill Hoskins: Yeah.

J.P.G.: How about a little lunch on the 43rd Floor? [ he laughs ]

Bill Hoskins: Sounds good to ME, Sir! Sounds good to me! Oh — Oh, Sir, I’ve got a little surprise for you, too!

J.P.G.: Really?

Bill Hoskins: Yes! If you wouldn’t mnid waiting for me by the elevator… I’ll be right there!

J.P.G.: Sure, Hoskins! [ he laughs, then exits ]

[ Bob Hoskins returns to his desk, picks up the switchblade, then points it in J.P.G.’s wake and follows behind him ]

[ fade ]

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SNL Transcripts: Danny DeVito: 05/15/82: Table Talk

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 19

81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

Table Talk

…..Tony Rosato
Wine Steward…..Nate Herman

[ open on Tony Rosato examining the wine list at a restaurant ]

Wine Steward: I’d, uh — I’d suggest the Bouton C’aday, Sir.

Tony Rosato: Excellent! That’s EXACTLY what I was going to order! THank you very much.

[ the Waiter exits ]

Tony Rosato: [ into the camera ] Hi! I’m Tony Rosato. Welcome to “Table Talk”! You know, being Italian, people naturally assume that I know everything there is to know about selecting wines. And, actually, I know NOTHING! Absolutely NOTHING about selecting wines. You know, how many times have you gone to a restaurant and been handed, like, a 75-page wine list in 12 different languages? Okay? And you always get sucked into buying a $50 bottle of wine from the Easter Islands or something. Well, tonight, I’m gonna show you how to BEAT Mr. Wine Steward at his own game. Now, the first thing he’ll do, is he’ll offer you the cork.

[ the Wine Steward returns with a bottle ]

Wine Steward: Sir…?

Tony Rosato: [ to the camera ] Now, don’t ask me why they always seem to do that. I always used to say, “Thanks” and drop it in the ash tray. But what he wants you to do is smell it.

[ Rosato smells the cork ]

Tony Rosato: Ah! [ slyly, to the camera ] Notice how my “Ah” is non-committal. In his eyes, I’m still a connoiseur.

[ the Wine Steward pours some wine into a glass and hands it to Rosato ]

Tony Rosato: [ to the camera ] Now, he’ll just give me enough to taste. Notice how they never give you enough to realize how bad the bottle is until you BUY the whole thing, right? Okay. And this is the most important part: Tasting. Now, remember — Don’t whip it back like a shot glass, okay? It’s a dead giveaway. And don’t gargle with it, either.

[ Rosato takes a sip and savors the taste ]

Tony Rosato: [ to the camera ] Now, here’s where you can really get one up over your waiter — Becasue whether you like this or not, you don’t like it. Okay? So I suggest this. [ he turns to the Wine Steward ] Uh, excuse me?

Wine Steward: Yes?

Tony Rosato: If I wanted a bottle of SWEAT, I would have ORDERED it! Would you TAKE this away, please?!

[ the Wine Steward silently takes the bottle and exits ]

[ Rosato laughs maniacally into the camera ]

Tony Rosato: Now, where’s this guy off to? Well, he’s off to get you another bottle of the exact stuff you just sent back. Right? Now, by the way — You know he’s on to you if he comes back and suggests a HOUSE wine that looks like this: [ he holds up a wine bottle wrapped in a paper bag ] Or, if he gives a bottle with a duck on it, stamped “Wednesday.” Now, don’t fall for this stuff, okay? These are your sparkling wines, or your carbonated wines. Okay? I don’t trust these, because these aren’t real wines. They’re like closet soft drinks, you know? Wines that think they’re wines, but they’ve always wanted to be a 7-Up or something…

[ the Wine Steward returns ]

Wine Steward: I’d suggest this, Sir… [ opens the bottle and pours ]

Tony Rosato: [ to the camera ] Remember: [ he whispers ] You don’t want this… [ he takes the glass of wine ] Thank you. [ he sips the wine, then spits it across the table ] THIS IS DISGUSTING!! [ he flings the leftover into the Wine Steward’s face ] BRING ME ANOTHER BOTTLE, AND HURRY!!

[ the Wine Steward silently takes the bottle and exits ]

Tony Rosato: WHAT KIND OF A RESTAURANT ARE YOU RUNNING HERE?!! [ he laughs maniacally into the camera ] That works every time! Alright, now, not only is tghis guy totally intimidated, but he’s also out two bottles of vino, okay? so you can be well and sure that ANYTHING he brings back is BOUND to be on the house! And, if you’re like me, you don’t mind having a bottle of bad wine…if it’s free.

[ the Wine Steward returns ]

Wine Steward: This one’s on the house, Sir. [ he pours the wine ]

[ Rosato smiles into the camera ]

Tony Rosato: Thank you. [ he sips and savors the wine ] Ah… Excellent!

[ defeated, the Wine Steward touches the bottle of wine one last time before he exits ]

Tony Rosato: Well — Join me again next week on “Table Talk”, and I’ll show you how to stuff an ENTIRE salad bar into a doggie bag! So long!

[ fade ]

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