SNL Transcripts: Danny DeVito: 05/15/82: SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 19

81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

…..Brian Doyle-Murray
…..Christine Ebersole
Dr. Jack Badofsky…..Tim Kazurinsky
…..Mary Gross
Lou Grant…..Tony Rosato

Announcer: And now, “SNL Newsbreak,” with Mary Gross, Christine Ebersole, and Brian Doyle-Murray.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Good evening, I’m Brian Doyle-Murray. Mary Gross is on assignment, Christine Ebersole is here. Our top story tonight:

Saturday’s New York Daily News reports that Nancy Reagan has not returned the $100,000 in diamonds that she borrowed from a New York jeweler to wear at last year’s Inaugural Ball. Mrs. Reagan could not be reached for comment, but she was seen pursuing her newest hobby: planting things in the White House lawn.

[picture of the god Thor] This week, Alexander Haig, attempting to bring a quick end to the Falklands air war, often replaced the British Harrier jets lost in combat with Braniff airliners. The lobby was rejected because the planes were the wrong color.

In an attempt to raise money for the war effort, Argentina held a telethon last week in which they collected over four million dollars in contributions. However, with their inflation running at 142%, government officials were forced to strip foreign newsmen naked in order to provide uniforms for the Argentine army.


Christine Ebersole: The Soviet endorsement of Argentina has created a new coalition of Argentinean fascism and Russian communism, and political analysts have already given it a new name. It’s called “Gaucho Marxism.” [some groans; Christine pauses for a moment]

Alexandr Soljenitsin this week rejected a White House luncheon invitation. The exiled Soviet author said the meeting with other Soviet dissidents was a symbolic gesture, and he disapproved of it. President Reagan accepted the turndown, and replaced him with his original first choice: comedian Shecky Greene.

Now here with a summer health tip is “SNL Newsbreak” science editor Dr. Jack Badofsky.

[pan to Dr. Jack; applause]

Dr. Jack Badofsky: A- A- A lot of doctors are telling you how dangerous the summer sun’s rays can be. So here’s my summer tip: watch out for creatures that are foaming at the mouth. That’s right. Summer is a prime time for abdivorus, commonly known as rabies.

[holds up a stack of cards, which he reveals one at a time]

“Rabies.” But I doubt that you are aware of the many strains of rabies that you can fall victim to. For example, should you be bitten by an ownerless dog, that’s “Straybies.” And a foaming French poodle can give you “Qu’est-ce Que-C’estbies.”

A- A mad Mexican hairless can give you “Alejandro-Reybies,” a crazed reindeer can inflict “Sleighbies,” a spider bite can lead to “Curds- and-Wheybies,” and a demented gorilla’s a potential killer with “Fay- Wraybies.”

A grandmother frothing at the mouth can inflict “Crochetbies,” and being bitten by a stuttering bigot can lead to “K-K-K-bies.” Getting bitten by Elmer Fudd can give you a real painful case of “Waybies,” and if you’re making love to a woman and you finish before she does, she’s liable to get mad and bite you. That’s “Mislaybies.” [applause]

I was once bitten by my former wife and got “Ex-Raybies.” She was a radiologist. [some groans] A bite by a wry humorist can give you “Carawaybies.” [more groans] That’s a wry humorist…OK.

Being bitten by a rabid rabbi can get you “Oy-Veybies,” [applause] and if you leg gets chomped on by a crazy poet, that’s “Edna-St.-Vincent- Milaybies.” And “Paraguaybies” is what you get if you’re bitten by two mad Latin American homosexuals.

Linda Lovelace could get you “Fellabies”—

Christine Ebersole: Alright, OK, that’s enough. Thank you very much. [applause] Brian?

Brian Doyle-Murray: The opening of “Annie” is scheduled for next week. The producers have mounted a ten-million-dollar media blitz to publicize the motion picture. Every star has been available for interviews for weeks, and now our own Mary Gross has an “SNL” exclusive. Come in, Mary.

[cut to Mary Gross sitting on a park bench with a dog]

Mary Gross: Hello Brian! Well, here I am in Central Park, and it’s really quite lovely.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, who do you have for us to, to—uh, who do you have for us?

Mary Gross: Cat got your tongue? Speaking of cats, Brian, this is Sandy, who plays Little Orphan Annie’s dog in the movie. It’s an honor to have you on our show, Sandy!

[holds up a large speech bubble that reads “Arf!” The dog tries to jump off the bench]

Wow, this is fun. Live television gets him a little nervous. Tell me, what was it like working with John Huston?

Brian Doyle-Murray: Mary, Mary?

Mary Gross: Yeah?

Brian Doyle-Murray: Uh, I think you’ve done it again, Mary. That is not Sandy. He doesn’t even look like Sandy, Mary.

Mary Gross: Brian, he’s not wearing any makeup!

Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, I don’t believe it. It’s an imposter!

Mary Gross: Well, maybe this will help. Hold on there, boy. Whoa!

[lets the dog jump off the bench while she puts on a large red wig]

Here we go. This is fun, huh?

Brian Doyle-Murray: Be careful, Mary.

Mary Gross: Come here. [lifts the dog up again] Here we go. [begins to sing]

The sun will be out tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow
There’ll be sun

Brian Doyle-Murray: Is that “Back to you, Brian”?

Mary Gross: Yeah, that’s “Back to you, Brian.” [sings again; applause] The moon will be out tomorrow…”

Brian Doyle-Murray: Thank you. Thank you Mary and Sandy.

Well the map of the Falkland Islands has become a fa- as familiar a graphic representation as any in history. It means many things to many people, especially in Argentina. This week, the Argentine Psychiatric Association officially included the Falkland map in the Rorschach test, which analyzes personality traits by a person’s response to, uh, inkblot designs. Now, the- to some people, this make look like, uh, a butterfly, to others, like a familiar dream figure. Well, the first Argentine responses to the test have come in, and they’re quite interesting.

[various answers scroll on the screen behind Brian, including “Abbott & Costello,” “All the Reagans in Bed,” “Goodson & Todman,” “An Octopus in a Cuisinart,” and “Princess Diana’s Acne”]

Now “SNL Newsbreak” would like to hear from viewers about their responses to the inkblot. What does it remind you of? What im- what images does it recall to your mind? Uh, the ones that you are seeing here, these are from Argentineans. Now don’t let them influence your spontaneous reactions. All you have to do is look at the inkblot map here for a few seconds, and then write down what it reminds you of, what it looks like to your eyes, or, or what image it elicits in your imagination.

Again, let me remind you, don’t be affected by the Argentinean responses. We want American responses. Or if you’re British, that might be interesting, too. Now the answers, they’ll be recorded, fed into a computer, and analyzed by our own panel of psychiatrically trained news analysts. Results will be released at a later date, and the 15 most interesting responses will be rewarded a blotter and a bottle of ink. Now, Argentineans are disqualified, as are members of “SNL Newsbreak” staff and their families. So send your response to “Blotto,” New York, NY. Thank you. [applause; answers continue to scroll on the screen]

Christine? [still more answers; Brian pauses] That’s “Blotto,” New York, NY. Uh, you’ll be sending to “Blotto.” [still more answers. Christine laughs as Brian nervously looks offscreen] Christine, umm—

Christine Ebersole: That’s “Blotto,” to New York. Yes. [cameras finally cut to Christine] Thank you.

New Jersey has virtually restored the death penalty in certain capital crimes. Male convicts will have a choice between the electric chair and a firing squad. Female convicts can choose between the gas chamber and a Rely tampon.

In his parole hearings last week, convicted assassin Sirhan B. Sirhan said that if his victim, Robert F. Kennedy, were alive today, he would fight for Sirhan’s rights. And John W. Hinckley, at his trial in Washington, agreed. Hinckley said that if Ronald Reagan were alive today, he’d fight for Hinckley’s rights.


Brian Doyle-Murray: The newspaper world was hit with another setback this week when CBS gave veteran newsman Lou Grant his walking papers. We at “SNL Newsbreak” feel that a man with Lou’s experience deserves to be on the air doing news. And so now, here’s Lou Grant with the weather.

[Lou steps onstage and approaches a weather map next to Brian]

Lou Grant: Thanks, Brian. Thanks a lot, Brian. [clears his throat] Well, let’s have a look at the weather. [attempts to smile while waving a marker at the map]

Look, I can’t do this Brian. This is silly. Forget it, I- I can’t do the weather. C’mon.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, I’m sorry, Lou. It’s the only job we had open.

Lou Grant: Yeah, I know, but you know, the weather was Gordy’s job. I mean, I- I’m a reporter. A newspaperman! I can’t do the weather. I mean, what if Murray and Lou were watching, or somebody, and Ted and everybody?

Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, their series got picked up, and you didn’t.

Lou Grant: Alright, alright.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Go on, why don’t you just give it a shot, Lou? Try it, c’mon.

Lou Grant: Well, let’s have another look at the weather.

[drawing on the map] There’s a lot of little H’s all over the place here. A lot of little L’s, a lot of big Ls. But I’ll tell you something right now, this is the real hot spot right here. [draws a rough outline of Central America underneath the map] Right there in El Salvador, that’s where it’s really happening. Come on! Wake up, we gotta get food and supplies to these people, huh? The monsoon season is coming down! I mean we’re only a few miles away, for God’s sake. What the hell’s keeping everybody up, huh? I’ll tell you–

Brian Doyle-Murray: Lou? I, uh, I just got this memo, uh, from the president of NBC. They’ve cancelled your weather report.

Lou Grant: What?? They cancelled me?

Brian Doyle-Murray: I’m afraid so. It says, [pointing to the memo] “Grant Tinker.”

Lou Grant: Grant Tinker, what a weasel he is! I introduced him to Mary, did you know that? Mary used to be my girl! Aw, what the hell, forget that, I’m gonna go looking for him. I’ll fix his peacock brain!

[walks off the set; applause]

Brian Doyle-Murray: Sorry, Lou. Those are the breaks, Lou. He probably shouldn’t have drawn on the wall, I think—I’m Brian Doyle- Murray. For Christine, Mary, and I, that’s the news. Good night and good news.

[cheers and applause as Brian and Christine converse; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Danny DeVito: 05/15/82: Executive Stress Test

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 19

81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

Executive Stress Test

Bill Hoskins…..Danny DeVito
Secretary…..Christine Ebersole
Mary Hoskins…..Mary Gross
Miguel…..Tony Rosato
Don…..Joe Piscopo
Drug Dealer…..Eddie Murphy
J.P.G…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open on Bill Hoskins standing in his office, as the phone buzzes ]

Bill Hoskins: Hello? Yes?

Secretary: Mrs. Hoskins is on the phone.

Bill Hoskins: Good! [ he grabs the phone ] Hello, honey? Hello, honey, can you hear me? Oh, wait a secod. [ he puts her on speakerphone ] Honey, can you hear me?

Mary Hoskins: Sure!

Bill Hoskins: Oh, good! Order the lawn furniture, honey! I did it! You’re now talking to a Senior Vice-President!

Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, that’s wonderful!

Bill Hoskins: For fifteen years, I’ve been working my tail off and, FINALLY, somebody noticed!

Mary Hoskins: Of course, they did! You’re the BEST!

Bill Hoskins: Oh, honey! In ten minutes… I’m gonna be heading to the 43rd Floor, where I’m wining and dining with J.P.G. and the whole board of directors!

Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, I love you!

Bill Hoskins: I couldn’t have done it without you, honey! You’re a real champ! [ he blows kisses into the phone ]

[ his Secretary enters ]

Secretary: Excuse me, Mr. Hoskins?

Bill Hoskins: I’ll call you right back, honey! [ he hangs up ]

Secretary: I just want to say, Mr. Hoskins, that it’s been a wonderful experience working with you.

Bill Hoskins: Well… by the way, Beth… If you don’t mind a rather SUBSTANTIAL pay hike, I’d like to bring you aboard! I already cleared it with Personnel.

Secretary: [ stammering ] Oh, I — I — I — [ she salutes ] I’m mighty glad to be aboard!

Bill Hoskins: [ he salutes back ] At ease!

[ the phone rings ]

Secretary: [ answering ] Mr. Hoskins’ office. Just a moment, please. [ to Bob ] It’s Mrs. Hoskins.

[ he puts his wife on speakerphone ]

Bill Hoskins: Yeah?

Mary Hoskins: Oh, I’m sorry to bother you, darling, but I forgot to remind you that we’re supposed to have dinner tonight with the Harrisons, and — [ she begins panting wildy ] Oh, no…! Ohhhh…!

Bill Hoskins: [ confused ] Mary! Mary, are you alright?!

Mary Hoskins: [ panting ] My phone…! Give me that phone!

Miguel: No! No, my baby! Tell him NOW! Tell him of the deep feeling between us!

Bill Hoskins: MARY!! MARY!! Who is that man?!!

Mary Hoskins: Ohhh, he’s just a… OHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

[ the phone goes dead ]

Bill Hoskins: Did you HEAR that?!

Secretary: I’m… sure she’ll have a very convincing explanation, Mr. Hoskins…

Bill Hoskins: I should… I should call her!

[ Don enters ]

Don: Heyyyyyy, Billy! Congratulations, you son of a gun, youuuuu!

Bill Hoskins: Hello, Don! Don! Thanks! Thank you! [ they hug ]

Secretary: You have six minutes, Mr. Hoskins.

Bill Hoskins: Alright!

[ she exits ]

Don: Just wanted to tell you, pal — No hard feelings, I think the BEST man won!

Bill Hoskins: Oh, that is BEAUTIFUL, Don! I know how much you wanted this job.

Don: Wellll, I’m a team player, Bill, what can I tell you?

Bill Hoskins: Well, you’re a real stand-up guy, Don! You know, I really thought they were gonna give it to you! I mean, you’ve got seniority, you’ve got more experience, you’ve got an I.Q. that makes me look like a tree slug!

Don: [ laughing ] That’s true! But, you know what? You’ve got something special, and a LOT more valuable: Natural Leadership! Yeah! And let me tell you something else, Billy baby: I’m gonna be behind you EVERY step down the line!

Bill Hoskins: Awwww! Don, Don, like I said, you are a stand-up guy!

[ a Black man enters the office ]


Bill Hoskins: Say, hey! Who are you?

Drug Dealer: Hey, be cool, man! I got your ounce! [ he drops a baggie in Bill’s hand ]

Bill Hoskins: Well, what…? Wait! What is this?! What is this stuff?!

Don: It looks like an illegal addictive drug to me, Bill! [ he laughs ]

Bill Hoskins: What…?!

Drug Dealer: You know, to be perfectly honest, man, you should stop freebasing your blow — You’re gonna kill yourself.

Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey! Hey, hey, I don’t know what THAT means, and I son’t know who YOU are, so get the hell out of here and take this stuff WITH you, Buster!

Drug Dealer: Buster? Hey, yo — Look, man, you better give me the money you owe me, or I’m gonna bust you in your FACE, man!

Bill Hoskins: [ into his phone ] Beth?! Call Security!

Drug Dealer: Yo, what is this, man? I been carrying you for a whole month, you gonna call Security on me? [ he opens a switchblade ] I’m gonna cut your THROAT!

Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey! Hey! Hey!

Don: [ laughing ] Bill, you’d better give your dealer what he wants, pal, huh?

Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey — What are you, crazy?! I’ve never seen this man before in my life!

Don: Hey, pal, look — You guys are talking business! Three is a crowd. Uh, I’ll see you later.

Bill Hoskins: Hey, some stand-up guy you are!

Don: I guess the best man won after all, huh, Billy, huh? [ he mimes taking a snort, then exits ]

[ Secretary storms in ]

Secretary: YOU ANIMAL!! I just got my results back from the company physical! You’ve given me HERPES SIMPLEX!! It’s INCURABLE!! I’m RUINED for LIFE!!

Bill Hoskins: I’m sorry…!

Secretary: I just called your wife, and as soon as she’s able to talk, I’m gonna tell her that she’s got, it, too! And so does that damn gardener — Miguel!! [ she grabs the phone and puts it on speaker ]

Drug Dealer: Hey, man, you got no class at all, you know that?

[ over the phone, Mrs. Hoskins pants furiously ]

Miguel: Awwwwww, we will tell him together, my honey…! We will spend all his money!

Mary Hoskins: Ohhh, you’re so BOSS, my darling…! Ohhhh, yes!!

Bill Hoskins: Mary!! For God’s sake, Mary!!

Secretary: [ to the Drug Dealer ] Give it to him!

[ the Drug Dealer grabs Bill by the tie and holds his switchblade in front of Bill’s face ]

Bill Hoskins: No, no! Please! Please, no! Please!! No, no, no! Please, don’t!

[ suddenly, everyone in the room begins to clap ]

J.P.G.: Bravo! Bravo, everybody! Bravo! Just great! [ to the Drug Dealer ] You were terrific, young man! Miss Rogers has your check.

Drug Dealer: Thank you, Sir! It was a great part! Nice working with you, Mr. Hoskins. Good luck with your future. Y’all take it easy. [ he exits ]

Bill Hoskins: [ surprised ] J.P.G.?!

J.P.G.: [ laughing ] That’s right! That Captain of this great big schooner of ours! How do you feel?

Bill Hoskins: Well… I’m a little shaky, but I feel okay…

J.P.G.: Perfect! Perfect! Listen, you just passed our Human Reliability Executive Stress Test! [ he laughs ]

Secretary: Mr. Hoskins, you were just WONDERFUL!

Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, I’m so PROUD!! And wasn’t Miguel just terrific?

Miguel: Muchos gracious, eh, Mr. Hoskins?

J.P.G.: You see, Hoskins — Before we move a man into a top management slot, we’ve gotta make sure that he WON’T crack under ANY pressure at all! You know? THe best scientific minds have devised these stress tests.

Bill Hoskins: Well, I-I hope I-I measured up to your expectations…

J.P.G.: [ he laughs boisterously ] You were WONDERFUL! Listen — anybody else, a normal mind, would have SNAPPED with what you just went through! Hoskins, you’ve got the RIGHT stuff!

Bill Hoskins: Sir, this is the PROUDEST day of my life!

J.P.G.: I’ll bet you worked up quite a little appetite, huh?

Bill Hoskins: Yeah.

J.P.G.: How about a little lunch on the 43rd Floor? [ he laughs ]

Bill Hoskins: Sounds good to ME, Sir! Sounds good to me! Oh — Oh, Sir, I’ve got a little surprise for you, too!

J.P.G.: Really?

Bill Hoskins: Yes! If you wouldn’t mnid waiting for me by the elevator… I’ll be right there!

J.P.G.: Sure, Hoskins! [ he laughs, then exits ]

[ Bob Hoskins returns to his desk, picks up the switchblade, then points it in J.P.G.’s wake and follows behind him ]

[ fade ]

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