SNL Transcripts: Johnny Cash: 04/17/82: Elton John performs “Empty Garden (Hey, Hey Johnny)”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 17



81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

Elton John performs “Empty Garden (Hey, Hey Johnny)”

…..Johnny Cash
…..Elton John

[FADE IN on Johnny Cash at home base wearing a tuxedo suit and shirt with a bow tie. Nigel Olsson’s band can be seen behind him.]

Johnny Cash: [smiling] And now it’s my pleasure to introduce our special musical guest: Elton John!!

[Cash gestures smoothly to his right toward Elton at the piano as the crowd cheers wildly. Elton is bedecked in a subtle neon blue jacket with a dark pink shirt underneath, and a black gaucho hat on his head. Johnny Cash bows formally to him, and Elton starts into “Empty Garden” alone on vocals and piano.]

Elton John: [ singing]“What happened here,
As the New York sunset disappeared?
I found an empty garden
Among the flagstones there.

Who lived here?
He must’ve been a gardener that cared a lot,
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop.

And now it all looks strange.
It’s funny how one insect
Can damage so much grain.

And what’s it for,
This little empty garden
By the brownstone door?
And in the cracks along the sidewalk,
Nothing grows no more.

Who lived here?
He must’ve been a gardener that cared a lot,
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop.

And they are so amazed.
We’re crippled and we’re dazed.
A gardener like that one,
No one can replace.

And I’ve been knockin’,
But no one answers,
And I’ve been knockin’
Most of the day.

Oh, and I’ve been callin’,
“Oh, hey, hey, Johnny,
Can’t you come out to play?”

And through their tears,
Some say he farmed his best in younger years,
But he’d have said that roots grow stronger
If only he could hear.

Who lived there?
He must’ve been a gardener that cared a lot,
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop.

And now we pray for rain.
And with every drop that falls,
We hear, we hear your name.

And I’ve been knockin’,
But no one answers,
And I’ve been knockin’
Most of the day.

Oh, and I’ve been callin’,
“Oh, hey, hey, Johnny,
Can’t you come out to play?”

And I’ve been knockin’,
But no one answers,
And I’ve been knockin’
Most of the day.

Oh, and I’ve been callin’,
“Oh, hey, hey, Johnny,
Can’t you come out,
Can’t you come out to play?

Johnny,
Can’t you come out to play
In your empty garden?”

[Elton and the Nigel Olsson band repeat the ending several times, then play an instrumental for several bars. Finally they quiet to just vocals and Elton on piano.]

In your empty garden?
“Johnny,
Can’t you come out to play
In your empty garden?””

[Wild applause from the audience once the song is finished. Elton gives his overbite grin and mouths “Thank you” over the cheers. One audience member is heard repeatedly yelling, “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” through the applause. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

Olivia Newton-John: 05/22/82



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 20


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 22nd, 1982

Olivia Newton-John

Olivia Newton-John

Michael Davis

Graham Chapman

Akira Yoshimura

Andy Murphy
Ladies’ RestroomRecurring Characters: Paulette Clooney.

Montage

Olivia Newton-John performs “Physical”

TransEastern AirlinesNote: Repeat from 10/07/81.

Ebony & IvoryRecurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, Stevie Wonder.

Transcript

I Married A MonkeyRecurring Characters: Tim.

Hitler in HeavenRecurring Characters: Adolph Hitler, Rod Serling.

Not a Record AdSummary: Call now to order this exciting product that is not a record!

Transcript

Olivia Newton-John performs “Make a Move on Me”

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

Michael Davis

Business Talk

Grease

Sports Organ Classics

Olivia Newton-John performs “Landslide”

The ClamsNote: Repeat from 10/03/81.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Johnny Cash: 04/17/82: Elton John performs “Ball and Chain”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 17





81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

Elton John performs “Ball and Chain”

…..Johnny Cash
…..Elton John

[FADE IN on Johnny Cash at home base, where he stands bedecked in classic Elton John attire: a huge gold robe, a pink feather boa reaching to the floor, blinding gold chains on his chest, and outsized glasses with pink feathers sticking out of the lenses. Audience hoots in approval.]

Johnny Cash: [grinning and waving his arms] Workin’ with our special guest… [applause] Working with our special guest has been a big thrill for me. He’s a wonderful entertainer, and you can’t work with a guy like Elton John without having his showmanship and flash rub off on ya–so… Elton, I hope ya don’t mind, but I took the liberty of, uh, borrowin’ these threads, and ladies and gentlemen… once again… Elton John.

[Cash gestures to his left. FADE to Elton at his piano with the band behind him. The drummer hits it a second or two later.]

Elton John: [ singing ]“I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
And you were the one to blame
For tearin’ my world apart.

I got a heart so true,
You got a heart of ice.
A little more love from you,
It could’ve been paradise.

I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
And if it’s all the same,
Maybe we should part.

And I say,
Do-do-do-do-doo
Do-do-do-do
Do-do do-do, yeah.

Do-do-do-do-do
Do-do-do-do
Do-do do-do.

You had to tie me down,
Oh, inside a cage of doubt.
I’m sick of bein’ kicked around,
So this is where I get out.

I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
And if it’s all the same,
Maybe we should part.

And I say, Do-do-do-do-do…
[repeat]

Oooooooh-wee, baby,
You tried to hold me
But you were slowly
Drivin’ me insane.

Oooooooh-wee, baby.

[changes keys]

I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
And you were the one to blame
For tearin’ my world apart.

I got a heart so true,
You got a heart of ice.
A little more love from you,
It could’ve been paradise.

[changes back to original key]

I couldn’t take the pain,
You couldn’t take my love,
So I’m gonna quit this game,
‘Cause, baby, I’ve had enough.

I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
And if it’s all the same,
Maybe we should part.

And I say, Do-do-do-do-do…
[repeat]

I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
(Around my heart)…

[Repeat the refrain and chorus twice, and then the band kicks into the finish.]

Ball and chain…
Ball and chain…

And I’m sayin, Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo…”

[They repeat the chorus once more, and then the song ends. Audience cheers heartily as Elton leaps from the piano bench, kicks up his heels, and stands proudly with his band.]

Audience Member: OHHHHHHHHHHH! OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[Elton shakes his left earlobe, a la Carol Burnett, and acknowledges the cheers. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

Ebony & Ivory


Ebony & Ivory

Producer…..Tim Kazurinsky
Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo
Secretary…..Tony Rosato
Stevie Wonder…..Eddie Murphy


[ open on a Recording Studio ]

Producer: Everything’s ready. We’re all set to record, as soon as he gets here, Mr. Sinatra.

Frank Sinatra: [ turns around ] Good.. good.. good. Son, come here. Come here. [ grabs his shoulder ] How does the album sound so far?

Producer: Oh, it’s excellent, Mr. Sinatra.

Frank Sinatra: Thank you, thank you, that’s very nice. I want to do some tunes that the young people will enjoy. That’s why I’m calling this album “Frank Sings Tunes the Young People Will Enjoy”.

Secretary: [ opens door and peeks in ] Uh.. excuse me, Mr. Sinatra, Sir? He’s here.

Frank Sinatra: Show him in.

[ Secretary pulls Stevie Wonder into the recording studio ]

Frank Sinatra: Stevie Wonder! Stevie Wonder! You are aptly named! Like I’ve said many times, you are truly a wonder!

Stevie Wonder: Thank you, Frank.

Frank Sinatra: Let me ask you something: Do you do your own hair?

Stevie Wonder: Uh.. no, I don’t.

Frank Sinatra: Then you’ve got no excuse! Little joke, Stevie, it looks great. Come on over here to the piano. It’s right in front of you, my friend. [ Stevie sits ] You alright there?

Stevie Wonder: You know, Frank, I feel it is a.. tremendous honor to be.. recording with you.

Frank Sinatra: Thank you, Stevie. I feel the same. I am very much into that tune you do with the Beatle kid – uh, what’s his name? The one that looks like a broad?

Stevie Wonder: His name is Paul McCartney, Frank.

Frank Sinatra: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. that’s the dude. Uh.. would you be so kind as to run down that song for me, Stevie? Please?

Stevie Wonder: Alright. [ plays piano ] “Ebony and Ivory
live together in perfect harmony
Side by side on my..”

Frank Sinatra: [ interrupting ] Stevie, Stevie.. hold it, Stevie. Now, something tells me that this is more than a song about playing the piano.

Stevie Wonder: Uh.. uh.. Frank, it’s about racial equality and unity of all people.

Frank Sinatra: Well, uh.. I don’t understand. When I think of Ebony, I think of a magazine that most people do not buy. And when I think of Ivory, I think of a soap that floats.

Stevie Wonder: Ebony and Ivory are the black and white keys on the piano, Frank.

Frank Sinatra: Alright, Stevie, I know that. You know that. But it’s too artsy for the public – capiche? Now, I talekd to the master, Sammy Kahn. Now, Sammy is a marvelous, marvelous songwriter – no offense, Stevie. And, uh.. Sammy thinks we should go with something like Chocolate and Vanilla. Or, how about this: “Life is an Eskimo Pie, why don’t we take a bite?”

Stevie Wonder: I’m afraid that might be a bit offensive to some people.

Frank Sinatra: Hey, who cares what the Eskimos think – they don’t buy records, huh? [ thinking ] Okay, Stevie.. let’s see.. Ebony and Ivory, huh? Ebony and Ivory.. [ stops ] Hey, Stevie, waht the hell are we beating around the bush for? This is 1982. Let’s get right to the point! Huh? Hey, take it from the top. Swing it, Stevie! With a bounce, baby! [ sits next to Stevie ] [ Stevie starts the song again ]

Frank Sinatra: “You are black, and I am white
Life’s an Eskimo Pie, let’s.. take a bite!
That was groovy thinkin’
Lincoln, when you set them freeeeeee…

We all know
Cats are the same
Maine to Mexico.
Good. Bad.
Guys and chicks!”

Stevie Wonder: “I am dark, and you are light.”

Frank Sinatra: “You are blind as a bat, and I have sight!
Side by side, you are my amigo,
Negro, let’s not fiiiiiiiight!”

Stevie Wonder: “Ebony, ivory
Living in perfect harmony.”

Frank Sinatra: “Salt and pepper,
Sammy and Dean
Stevie and me are peachy keen!”

Stevie Wonder: “You are white.”

Frank Sinatra: “You are black – and who cares!”

Who cares, baby!

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Johnny Cash: 04/17/82: Reagan Directs



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 17
















81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

Reagan Directs

Reagan…..Joe Piscopo
Mike Kramer…..Tim Kazurinsky
Edwin Meese…..Tony Rosato
Secretary…..Christine Ebersole
Margaret Thatcher…..Mary Gross
General Leopoldo Galtieri…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[FADE IN on a slide of the White House as “Hail to the Chief” plays. FADE to Reagan from a first-person perspective at the Oval Office desk, where he is holding a map of the Western Hemisphere before him. A man’s hand is pointing at the Caribbean.]

Voice: And if you follow this plan, Mr. President, we’ll be in the Caribbean by June.

Reagan: Well, sounds like a good strategy, young fella!

[ENTER Edwin Meese from the right.]

Meese: Hi, Ron. What’re you planning here, Ron, what’s going on?

Reagan: Oh, hi, Ed!

Meese: [indicates Kramer] Uh, who’s this guy, Ron?

Reagan: This is Mike Kramer: my travel agent!

Kramer: [extends hand] Pleased to meet you, Mr. Meese.

Meese: [shakes hand politely] Nice to meet you, sir.

Reagan: We were just mapping out my next working vacation. Hey, Ed, how does Aruba sound to you?

Meese: It’s great, Ron, wherever. [to Kramer] Look, uh, excuse me, uh, would you excuse us just for a second, please? [gestures to door] Thank you.

Kramer: Oh, sure.

[Kramer smiles tightly and hastily leaves.]

Reagan: Uh, uh, uh, Mike, don’t forget: twin beds.

[Kramer waves shortly and beats it.]

Meese: So, Ronnie, did you have a good time in the Barbados, huh?

Reagan: Oh, just swell! Anything happen while I was gone, Ed?

Meese: Well, nothing that concerns you, Ron, huh? [smiles contemptuously]

Reagan: Ed, uh, didn’t anyone call me?

Meese: No. [glances around anxiously] Look, Ron, I have some, uh, some important meetings to take place in your office, and, uh, I need it right now, okay? So, uh, I’m gonna have some people come in, and I want you to take off that RIDICULOUS Don Ho shirt–[reaches for Reagan’s head]–and I want you to take off this SNORKEL!

[Meese yanks a blue rubber snorkel off the President’s head.]

Meese: Vacation’s over, Ron!

[He stalks out irritably. Reagan watches him leave, then his eyes turn back toward the fireplace in the center.]

Reagan: [clears throat] “Day-o… day-o…”

[Two maracas stick out in his hands, and he stands up and walks toward a mirror with them.]

Reagan: [singing] “Daylight come, and me wanna go home. Day-o… day-o…”

[Reagan steps in front of the mirror and examines himself. Joe Piscopo as Reagan appears in the mirror, where he wears a loud tropical shirt and holds out his maracas.]

Reagan: Gee! What a terrific tan! This’ll look great on TV.

[He steps away from the mirror but then moves back toward it.]

Reagan: Maybe I ought to call a press conference!

[A buzzer goes off, and Reagan wanders back toward his desk and presses down the bar on the front of the buzzer.]

Secretary: [over speaker] Have you seen Mr. Meese?

Reagan: Ah, you just missed him!

Secretary: Oh, FOO. I have some people here waiting to see him! Would you mind entertaining them until he gets back?

Reagan: I’d be GLAD to!

[He releases the bar and looks toward the door. A moment later, the secretary steps in.]

Secretary: [gestures out door] Uh, Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and President Leopoldo Galtieri of Argentina.

[Thatcher and Galtieri stride in, she in a prim business suit, while he wears a military uniform and puffs on a cigar.]

Reagan: Oh, hey, well–come on in! Come on in, make yourself at home! Margaret, Leo, sit down! Sit down.

[They stiffly sit in chairs opposite the desk.]

Reagan: So! What’s new?

[laughter]

Thatcher: Ron, as you may or may NOT have heard, uh, the Argentines have gone and seized our Balklands, or Falklands.

Galtieri: The Malvinas. We have only taken what was always ours.

[Thatcher stands and approaches the desk.]

Thatcher: Mr. President, as you closest Western ally, I must INSIST… [softly pounds desk] …on you unqualified support.

Galtieri: [approaches desk] Mr. President, may I remind you that our mutual defense pact compels you to defend us!

Reagan: Gee, uh, I like you BOTH. Uh, gosh, this is a tough one. Uh… y’know, I’ve been a major movie star, and, uh, I’ve been a cowboy with my own horse, uh, I’ve been a president, uh, but what I’ve always wanted to do is DIRECT. [holds out palms] Now, General: imagine you’re all alone on a lush tropical island, you know, like the one in “The Blue Lagoon.”

[Reagan peers down on his desk and turns on a tape recorder. Hawaiian guitar music starts playing.]

Reagan: Yeah, uh, uh, the scent of orchids fires your Latin blood. Then you suddenly see her. The waves lapping at her sarong. It’s Maggie!

[Thatcher self-consciously rubs her palms on her suit.]

Reagan: Now, you think you hate her, but you just can’t resist her. Kind of like Doris Day and Rock Hudson in “Pillow Talk.” All right, uh, General, now take her in your arms…

Galtieri: What is my motivation?

Reagan: A dozen–

[laughter]

Reagan: Your motivation is a dozen F-16 jet fighters.

Galtieri: I got it.

[He cradles his arm around Thatcher’s shoulders. She reluctantly squeezes his waist.]

Reagan: Okay. Okay, kids, now, have fun with it. Action! Leo, embrace her, now, don’t FIGHT it, c’mon, Maggie, you want it BAD. That’s right! That’s right! Now, your lips meet. Uh, no TONGUES. No tongues.

[The two leaders awkwardly touch their lips together.]

Reagan: Now that–good, good. That’s great.

[Edwin Meese bursts in with folders in his hand.]

Meese: OKAY! CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT! RON, I said “cut.” [to others] All right, that’s a take, everybody, nice work. Mrs. Thatcher, would you excuse us? General, nice work out there. [motions for them to leave] Good motivation out there, too.

[they exit]

Reagan: Gee, uh, uh, Ed?

Meese: Yah.

Reagan: You never mentioned the Falkland Islands to ME. Do they have snorkeling down there?

Meese: Yeah, look, Ron, why don’t you just read it up for yourself, okay? [pats folders] There you go. I’ll see you later. [exits]

[Reagan examines an 8×10 black-and-white glossy of a closely packed herd of sheep.]

Reagan: All right. Oh, look at all the sheep they’ve got down there. Boy, that’s a lotta sheep. [starts counting them] One, two, three… [yawns] Four…

[He almost falls asleep and drops the picture.]

Reagan: Five, five… six… [nodding off] Seven…

[A black screen wipes down from the top and covers up the shot.]

Reagan: [faintly] Eight…

[applause]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable | Cable TV Providers | Charter Cable

SNL Transcripts: Olivia Newton-John: 05/22/82: Not a Record Ad



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 20










81t: Olivia Newton-John

Not a Record Ad

Announcer…..Joe Piscopo

Announcer: How many times has this happened to you?

[ image: Tony Orlando ]

Announcer: Tony Orlando comes into your home —

[ image: living room set ]

Announcer: and rearranges your furniture. Well, this may never need happen again, thanks to this remarkable ad you are now watching. And, despite the fact that we mentioned Tony Orlando —

[ image: Tony Orlando ]

Announcer: This is NOT a record ad!

[ image: record album, with flashing SUPER: “Not A Record Ad” ]

Announcer: Yes, you’ve seen our commercial for the Imitation Nun…

[ image: a nun ]

Announcer: The Odorless Light Bulb…

[ image: light bulb, with SUPER: “It’s Odorless” ]

Announcer: And, of course, the revolutionary new Mr. Garlic.

[ image: aeroseol canister ]

Announcer: So… if you send before Midnight tonight, you’ll save yourself the time, the cost, and the aggravation of having to do it tomorrow. So don’t be fooled by ANYTHING you hear in this commercial, because…

[ image: record album, with flashing SUPER: “Not A Record Ad” ]

Announcer: This is NOT a record ad!

[ image: Dentist working on patient ]

Announcer: Imagine the savings on dental bills alone!

[ image: series of rodents ]

Announcer: Never be bothered again by pesky, small animals… billing their costly long-distance calls to YOU!

[ image: woman in record store, with flashing SUPER: “Not A Record Ad” ]

Announcer: This ad is NOT available in any store. So say goodbye to annondized aluminum, and NO salesman will ever call!

[ image: record album, with large “X” over disclaimer: ]

Announcer: Offer null where void. California residents slightly higher.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Johnny Cash: 04/17/82: Tegrim Shampoo



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 17








81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

Tegrim Shampoo

Roommate…..Christine Ebersole
Kathy…..Robin Duke
…..Johnny Cash

[FADE IN on a blonde woman walking up to an open door.]

Roommate: [through door] Kathy, it’s almost time for the party!

Kathy: [whining] Ohhhhhhhhhhhh…

[Kathy walks out of the room in a blue dress slip.]

Kathy: I don’t know WHAT to WEAR! What about my new cocktail dress?

Roommate: [doubtfully] You mean the black one?

Kathy: Uh-huh!

Roommate: Maybe you better not.

Kathy: Why not?

Rooomate: [puts an arm around her shoulders] Kathy, have you ever thought about problem dandruff? Maybe you need Tegrim.

Kathy: ME? I don’t have dandruff!

Roommate: Well, here. Let’s take the test.

[CUT to the living room, where Johnny Cash is sitting on a sofa, his arms propped up nonchalantly on the back. Kathy and her friend walk up behind him as the audience laughs.]

Roommate: Shake your hair over Johnny Cash.

[Kathy shrugs.]

Roommate: Go ahead.

[Kathy shakes her hair down on Johnny’s right shoulder. Audience laughs as he brushes off his shoulder and she stares at his suit in disbelief.]

Kathy: Ohhh! You’re right! I DO have problem DANDRUFF!

[Johnny continues brushing off his arm and the rest of his black suit. Kathy and her roommate lean down over his shoulders.]

Roommate: [to camera] Can YOUR hair pass the Tegrim test? Shake YOUR head over Johnny Cash. If it shows up on the man in black:

Kathy and Roommate: Time for Tegrim.

[SUPERIMPOSE those words over bottom of screen. Both women smile sweetly as Johnny finishes dusting off Kathy’s dandruff and stares expressionless into the camera. FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable | Cable TV Providers | Charter Cable

SNL Transcripts: Johnny Cash: 04/17/82: The Train Poet



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 17





81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

The Train Poet

Passenger…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Poet…..Johnny Cash
Conductor…..Tony Rosato

[FADE IN on an Amtrak commuter train pulling away from a platform. FADE to inside the train, where a passenger enters a crowded car as video of passing cityscapes zooms by in the windows. Wearing a blue suit and carrying a briefcase, he makes his way up the aisle and presses his hand on an empty seat for balance. In the next seat, a man in a gray suit pats the empty seat cushion, and the passenger collapses with a sigh. The other man glances down at his newspaper while the blue-suited passenger checks his watch.]

Passenger: Excuse me, my watch stopped. Is this the 7:45?

Poet: [stares at him] This is the 7:58, the Direct Express. This is the finest train I’ve ever known.

[The passenger nods politely and opens his newspaper.]

Poet: [points to himself] I’m a man who LIKES the train. The romance of the railroad that opened up the plains. I love riding through the city with the pretty countryside outside, With captains of industry and general managers, executive officers, and their chief counsels. And the force that forces sales predicted by the prophets That generate the energy that turns the wheel that moves the train.

[points to himself and grins] And that moves ME.

I mean… twice a day.
All week long.
Listen to the wheels, my friend, Just pick up speed when we come around this bend.
The, the telephone poles get closer together.
And the train, and you, and I,
We all find the same rhythm.

[Again, the passenger only gives a curt nod and tries to concentrate on his newspaper.]

Poet: And the open spaces:
They become more suburban.
School buses, bicycles, greeting the day.
[leans toward him] All into the city, clickety-clack, clickety-clack.

[laughter]

Poet: Taller buildings by the track,
And the faces briefly seen,
Look back through the back windows of our lives.
We rock, and we ride together, you and I,
Neither here nor there,
Then under the tunnel, and under the streets,
And the final feet of iron,
[pounds chest] Where the heart beats.
People gather by the door,
And there’s a sense of expectation…

[The window footage suddenly turns to dark brick walls.]

Poet: And then you hear the words:

Conductor: [entering car] Grand Central Station! Grand Central Station… [The steward exits down the aisle as the other passengers stand up to detrain.]

Passenger: Yeah, well, uh… end of the line. Time to get off, time to go to work.

Poet: Well, I’m afraid not, my friend.
[points to himself] I’m a man who likes the train.

[soft Muzak rises]

Poet: I’ll take the train to Frisco,
Or up to Montreal.
I’ll take the train to Houston,
Or I’ll take it to Saint Paul.
But like my father told me
Just before he died,
If you take the train to work,
You won’t enjoy the ride.

[He nods and gestures to him.]

Poet: Have a nice day.

[Applause as the passenger briskly walks away to disembark and the poet starts off in the other direction. Instead of leaving, the poet merely sits down in the next seat and reopens his newspaper. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable | Cable TV Providers | Charter Cable

SNL Transcripts: Robert Culp: 04/24/82



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 18


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 24th, 1982

Robert Culp

Charlie Daniels Band

None

None

Neil Levy
I-SpyRecurring Characters: Billie Jean King, Bill Cosby

Montage

Middle Age of AquariusRecurring Characters: Mary Travers.

Party Girl

Charlie Daniels Band performs “Still in Saigon”

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

Uterus

James Brown is AnnieRecurring Characters: James Brown.

Sunken SubmarineSummary: Life goes on for the crew of the U.S.S. Cunningham, despite their having wrecked on the bottom of the ocean floor in 1963.

Babies in MakeupSummary: In a short film by Edward Bianchi, babies and toddlers are glammed up to the sounds of “Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar)” by The Doors.

Note: Repeat from: 81i.

Happy’s Mayonnaise Palace

Charlie Daniels Band performs “The Devil Went Down to Georgia”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Danny DeVito: 05/15/82



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 19


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>






Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 15th, 1982

Danny DeVito

Sparks

Andy Kaufman

Christopher Lloyd

Marilu Henner

Tony Danza

Judd Hirsch

Yvonne Hudson

Neil Levy

Jerry Lawler

Julia DeVito
Andy Kaufman Teaser

Montage

Danny DeVito’s MonologueSummary: After announcing that ABC has abruptly cancelled “Taxi” for low ratings, Danny DeVito brings out the cast so they can make their final bow.

Also Hosted: 83b, 87f, 88g, 92j, 99h.

Note: HBO wanted to acquire “Taxi” and produce new episodes on its cable station, but NBC secured the rights first and placed it on the same night and time slot it had at ABC. It was scheduled back-to-back with new sitcom “Cheers”; both shows had been created by the Charles-Burrows-Charles team. “Taxi” again finished that season with low ratings and was cancelled once and for all.

Transcript

TaxiSummary: Louie DePalma (Danny DeVito) drives a cab to ABC’s headquarters and detonates the building with a bomb.

Transcript

The WhinersSummary: Doug (Joe Piscopo) and Wendy Whiner (Robin Duke) annoy a fellow passenger (Danny DeVito) while preparing for a flight aboard an airplane.

Recurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner.

Transcript

Executive Stress TestSummary: Just as he receives a great promotion at work, Bob Hoskins (Danny DeVito) finds himself stressed out over a series of events that appear to be out of his control.

Transcript

Sparks performs “Mickey Mouse”Lyrics

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurrayRecurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky, Lou Grant.

Transcript

Solomon & PudgeRecurring Characters: Solomon, Pudge.

Enzo MouthwashRecurring Characters: Ozzy Osbourne.

America is Turning GaySummary: Spoofing Dr. Pepper’s “Be A Pepper” and “America’s Turning 7-Up” jingles, Americans dance in the streets to celebrate their sudden openness in being gay.

Note: Repeat from 81o.

Table TalkSummary: Tony Rosato demonstrates how to skillfully order wine without being taken for a chump by the Steward (Nate Herman).

Transcript

No More WrestlingSummary: Brian Doyle-Murray interviews Andy Kaufman about his recent match with professional wrestler Jerry Lawler.

Transcript

Looks at Books

Sparks performs “I Predict”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts