Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 2
The Bizarro World
Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
Woman #1…..Robin Duke
Woman #2…..Mary Gross
Black House Aide #1…..Tony Rosato
Black House Aide…..Tim Kazurinsky
Bizarro President…..Joe Piscopo
[ open on a spinning, square globe in outer space ]Voiceover: There exists a parallel universe, where our earthly events are duplicated. But, they are duplicated backwards, for it is a reflection. Our earth is a sphere, so the parallel earth is, of course, a cube. This is: The Bizarro World. So, while this exchange would be taking place on earth.. [ cut to two women talking ]
Woman #1: Oh, I’m cold! Turn up the heat! And have the maid clean up the house! It’s a mess!
Woman #2: Oh, that’s a good idea. We ought to throw out this trash, too.. but first, I’d like a glass of water.
Voiceover: The following exchange would be taking place in theBizarro World:
Woman #1: Oh, I’m cold! Turn up the air conditioning! And have the maid dirty up the house!
Woman #2: Good idea! And throw away all these diamonds! But first, me thirsty. Me want a glass of nice, dry sand.
Voiceover: Oh, no! Looks like those Bizarros have gotten itexactly backwards! Well, it’s a crazy place.. As a matter of fact, right now in the Bizarro World, Bizarro Jerry Falwell is fighting to get more sex and violence on TV.[ cut to Bizarro Jerry Falwell giving a speech ]
Bizarro Jerry Falwell: Good Bizarro American people am tired of bad TV! Look at “Little House on the Prairie”! It am boring! Let’s see Laura’s boobs, then blow up the house!
Voiceover: Pretty wild, huh? But what do you expect of a placewhere the Miss America contest is a search for the ugliest girl? Andwhere, instead of having a Be Kind to Animals Week..[ cut to Bizarro being mean to animals ]
Bizarro: Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty! [ pulls axe frombehind his back ]
Voiceover: ..they have a Be Cruel to Animals Week. They prefer it, because you only have to have it once. Everything is backwards on this mysterious cube. Black is white. Hello is goodbye. Right is wrong. But even in this strange world, there is one place so bizarre, it scares even them.[ cut to exterior, Black House – SUPER: “Black House, Bizarro United States” ] [ cut to interior, Trapezoid Office – SUPER: “The Trapezoid Office of the Bizarro President” ]
Black House Aide #1: It am big responsibility being Black House Aide.
Black House Aide #2: Yes. We must prepare the Trapezoid Office for the Bizarro American President? Am his wife coming, too?
Black House Aide #1: Last Lady? Yes, she am coming.
Black House Aide #2: What should we do first?[ they approach the desk ]
Black House Aide #1: Look at all these important papers on his desk.
Throw them away, then we’ll break the windows and put dirt on the floor.
Black House Aide #2: Good idea. [ they begin messing up the Trapezoid Office ] Where am the Bizarro President?
Black House Aide #1: His job in Washington, so of course he inCalifornia.
Black House Aide #2: That don’t make Bizarro sense. Hey! Thismorning, me pull up all those ugly roses in the weed garden and plantbeautiful weeds. [ wipes brow ] Me thirsty. Is there any sand to drink?
Black House Aide #1: You can have a glass of sand to drink afterwe’re finished.
Black House Aide #2: [ panicking, runs to desk ] Ah! Water! Water! Quick! Bring some fire! Put it out! [ pounds desk ] It’s okay.. it’s out.
Black House Aide #1: Look! Here am President! [ Bizarro President and Wife enter ] Goodbye, President. Goodbye, Last Lady.
Bizarro President: Goodbye, everybody.
Last-Lady: Oh, you dirties up the office. Thank you.
Black House Aide #2: Don’t mention it.
Last-Lady: Well, I’m off to go visit my masculine son. Hello.
Black House Aide #1: Hello.
Black House Aide #2: Hello. [ Last-Lady exits ] Ah-ha! Phone did not ring, so me answer it. [ answers phone ] Goodbye! Oh, no! Oh, no! There’s a crisis! There’s a crisis! Quick, Bizarro President! Go to sleep![ Bizarro President drops his head onto his desk and falls alseep ]Black House Aide #1: Phew! That was quick Presidential action. What a leader!
Black House Aide #2: Him always do exact wrong thing. Him perfect!
Black House Aide #1: Me agree. Right from start, me knew he wasBizarro #1. Remember when him appoint Cabinet?[ flashback to Bizarro President appointing his Cabinet ]
Bizarro President: For Secretary of Interior, man who likes strip-mining and air pollution. For Secretary of Education, man who want to destroy department. For Secretary of State, scary man with morals of a styrofoam cup..[ blend back to the present-day ]
Black House Aide #2: Him am incredible! Bizarro Americans all love him!
Black House Aide #1: Of course.
Bizarro President: [ waking up ] Me right-to-lifer, so me support the death penalty!
Black House Aide #1: It’s that kind of statement that has made him the darling of the Bizarro empire.
Black House Aide #2: What a guy! Him smart! Say, me hungry.. let’s go eat some rocks!
Black House Aide #1: What a bad idea.[ they exit the Trapezoid Office ]
Voiceover: And so we leave that strange and wacky planet 60 zillion light-years away, known as The Bizarro World.