SNL Transcripts: Ssuan St. James: 04/16/83: Magic Fish Negotiations

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 18

82r: Susan St. James / Michael McDonald

Magic Fish Negotiations

Mommy…..Susan St. James
Numpkin…..Eddie Murphy
Fish…..Mary Gross
Mike Rudell…..Tim Kazurinsky
Burt…..Brad Hall

[Mommy holds a baby. Lullaby music plays in the background.]

Mommy: Okay, Charlie! Mommy’s gonna read you a little fairy tale! [opens book] Let’s see, where’s a really good one… Here’s one.Once upon a time, there lived a poor peasant named Numpkin, and one day poor Numpkin’s wife sent him down to the sea to catch a fish for their dinner, because they were so very, very hungry…

[Wipe to Numpkin with a fishing pole approaching a dock by the sea.]

Numpkin: Oh, I hope I catch a fish, otherwise my wife Bubbles will hit me with a spoon!

[Numpkin casts his line from the dock.]

Numpkin: Ooo, a nibble!

[Numpkin catches a fish.]

Numpkin: What an enormous fish! Such a fish could feed an entire village! Or give Bubbles a little snack…

[Fish spits water at Numpkin.]

Numpkin: You’re a nasty fish, ain’t ya!

Fish: Please good sir, do not eat me, I am a magical fish!

Numpkin: Zeus, it speaks!

Fish: Spare me, and I will give you three wishes!

Numpkin: Three wishes…

[Numpkin sits on the dock next to the fish.]

Fish: Yes, anything you desire in all the world can be yours! Interested?

Numpkin: Goodness, yes! I want a gold coach with a racing stripe with leopard interior and six black horses with… wait a minute, there’s a catch here, right? The same thing happened to my friend Potemkin, and I remember he was a woodcutter and he met this magical bush and the bush said he could have all these wishes and he wished for this giant goat, and the goat was a hundred feet high and it ate all his crops, then it dropped a big one on his wife! What you’re trying to do is teach me some lesson about greed, isn’t it?

Fish: No, no, oh please!

Numpkin: Alright fish, but you wait here for a second alright.

[Numpkin runs off.]

Fish: Strange peasant he that hesitates to accept my bounty. Perhaps I’ve overwhelmed the poor gentle soul with my generosity.

[Numpkin returns with Mike Rodell.]

Numpkin: Hey fish, this is my attorney Mike Rodell. He’s gonna be negotiating these wishes for me.

Fish: Say what?

Numpkin: You heard what I said. I ain’t no fool, I’m gonna cover my behind legally on this thing right here. Alright.

Mike Rudell: Alright then, let’s handle some of these contractual parameters here, OK. Regarding these proferred wishes: can my client opt to utilize one or more of these wishes to wish for more wishes?

Fish: Uh, no, not really…

Mike Rudell: Well, let’s get that in writing then, eh?

Numpkin: I want a cow!

Mike Rudell: Let me handle this, Numpkin. Suppose my client does wish for a cow. Could you legally, then, give him a cow that gives sour milk, or does the term “cow” prima facie denote a healthy bovine in all…

[Wipe to Mommy.]

Mommy: And they negotiated and they negotiated for weeks and weeks, until they had the most mutually acceptable contract in all the land. Finally, the great day came when Numpkin the peasant, hereafter referred to as the party of the first part, and the magical fish, hereafter referred to as the party of the second part, and Numpkin’s attorneys, Michael Rudell of the firm Flang, Rudell, and LeBuff, gathered together to sign their fine document.

[Wipe to the dock.]

Mike Rudell: Okay, I think we’ve got it here… let’s just look at the main clauses one more time, okay… pursuant to the three wishes, blah blah blah blah blah, okay, wish number one…

Numpkin: Look man, I just want my damn cow, alright!

Mike Rudell: Just sit tight, Numpkin, huh. The party of the second part agrees to supply the party of the first part with one Guernsey heifer guaranteed to be the largest in all the land, but not so large as to be physically unwieldy.

Numpkin: And I want the sucker to give more milk than any other cow in the land.

Fish: Absolutely!

Burt: Now, now, now, just a minute Numpkin! Now with that wording, Mike, correct me if I’m wrong, the cow could theoretically produce so much milk so as to float the entire village away and flood his hut.

Mike Rudell: Good point, Burt. We want a clause limiting the milk to a reasonable quantity.

Burt: Good move.

Fish: Fine! Damn!

Mike Rudell: To continue: wish number two. The party of the first part wishes to meet the king’s daughter. The above mentioned daughter at this time will be dressed in a leather corset revealing not less than 90% of the total area of her virginal pink flesh.

Numpkin: Don’t forget the boots and the chain drawers!

Mike Rudell: Yeah, you got it right away. Furthermore, the wife of the party of the first part, hereafter referred to as “Bubbles”, will not as a consequence of this wish hit the party of the first part with a spoon or any other kitchen implement.

Numpkin: Yeah, that bitch is crazy!

Fish: Agreed!

Mike Rudell: Well then, let’s just sign this, shall we?

Fish: Wait a minute, what’s the third wish?

Numpkin: Oh, the third wish is that you pay my lawyer, cause this dude is milking me dry.

Mike Rudell: Uh, that is correct. My fee is four wishes.

Fish: Four wishes! But I only gave him three, and he hauled me out of the sea!

Mike Rudell: You’ll pay me four, sister, or I’ll haul you to an appellate court, put the cow in escrow, and sell you to Mrs. Paul, alright?

Burt: Great move, Mike!

Mike Rudell: Thank you Numpkin…

Fish: I accept! I accept!

[Wipe to Mommy.]

Mommy: And the moral of the story is, it doesn’t pay to be greedy without competent legal … uh… representation. THE END, Charlie.

Submitted by: Jay Stuler

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Stevie Wonder: 05/07/83

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 19

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


May 7th, 1983

Stevie Wonder

Stevie Wonder

Michael Davis

Greg Dean

Andy Murphy


Stevie Wonder performs “Fingertips”

Kannon AE-1Transcript.

Stevie Wonder ImpersonatorTranscript.

Hitler: The Secret DiariesRecurring Characters: Adolph Hitler, Eva Braun.

Stevie Wonder performs “Overjoyed”

The Story of Stevie WonderRecurring Characters: Stevie Wonder.

Dion’sRecurring Characters: Dion, Blaire.

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.

Michael Davis

Cotton Land

The Hunchback Busboy

Stevie Wonder performs “Go Home”


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Stevie Wonder: 05/07/83: Stevie Wonder Impersonator

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 19

82s: Stevie Wonder

Stevie Wonder Impersonator

Richie…..Eddie Murphy
Byrne…..Joe Piscopo
Alan…..Stevie Wonder

[FADE IN on Eddie Murphy as a show-biz agent sitting at a desk and talking on the telephone.]

Richie: Look, I’m talking about more this year, I’m talking about pride, all right? I’m talking about the Miss Black Teenage America Contest. [pauses] Well, it’s gonna be a quality show, man, Don Cornelius is hosting! [pauses] Listen to who we got to be the judges: Ike Turner, Eartha Kitt, Willie Tyler and Lester… [pauses] You know, the dude with the puppet! [pauses] Look, all this show needs now is the incredible musical talents of Wilson Pickett, and- [pauses] What you mean, Wilson Pickett is busy? This is a quality job! [pauses] Well, at least tell the wicked Pickett to think about it, all right? [pauses] Do that for me, okay?

[knocking at the door]

Richie: All right. Someone’s at my door, I gotta call you back. [puts down phone] Uh, come in!

[Joe Piscopo enters, dressed in a suit and wearing a nerdy pair of dark-rimmed glasses. He talks in a nasal voice.]

Byrne: Richie, how are ya?

Richie: Good.

Byrne: The wife?

Richie: Good.

Byrne: Oh, good, good! Good to see ya. Hey, hey, guy robs a bank, right? Wants to go into hiding. He signs with the William Morris Agency–he’s never heard from again! It’s true! It’s true!

Richie: Who’d you get for me, Byrne?

Byrne: Who did I get for you? Did I get you Willie Tyler?

Richie: Yeah.

Byrne: Did I get you Lester?

Richie: Yeah.

Byrne: I got you a singer.

Richie: Who?

Byrne: Think biggest black singer alive.

Richie: You got Michael Jackson, man?

Byrne: No, no, no.

Richie: Marvin Gaye?

Byrne: Think blind.

Richie: You got Ray Charles?!

Byrne: Think braids.


Byrne: No, no, no!

Richie: You got me Stevie Wonder? Man, you really outdid yourself this time!

Byrne: No, no, no, I got you someone even better!

Richie: Better than Stevie Wonder?

Byrne: Mm-hm.

Richie: Who?

Byrne: [grinning] Alan, the Stevie Wonder Experience! It’s wonderful! The kid tours the country in a show called “Stevemania”! It’s a big hit with the college kids!

Richie: I don’t want a Steve Wonder imitation.

Byrne: No, no, no, he’s better than Stevie! I wanna introduce him to you. [calls through door] Alan!

Alan’s Voice: [offscreen] Yeah?

Byrne: Alan, come here. I want you meet Richie over here.

[Stevie Wonder walks in as Alan, with a portable keyboard in his hands. Byrne leads him over to Richie, and Richie and Alan shake hands.]

Byrne: Here we go, how you doin’, this is Alan right here. Alan, meet Ritchie, right here, your next employer.

Richie: [dubiously] How you doin’, man.

Alan: [with a huge grin and a nasal voice] Hello, I’d just like to say, it’s gonna be a great pleasure appearing on a Miss Black Teenage America program.

Richie: This guy is a dork. He ain’t nothin’ like Stevie Wonder!

Byrne: No, no, no! That’s because he’s here! But on stage, with the music, the lights, the whole kit and kaboodle, he becomes Stevie Wonder! It’s true!

Richie: I’m not interested.

Byrne: It’s true!

Richie: I’m not interested.

Alan: [to Joe] Listen, I get the feeling that he doesn’t want me on his show. [grins widely]

Byrne: No, no, no. Alan, Alan, please, please, Alan, it’s a definite do-able! Make, make your magic, sing for the man! Sing for the man a little bit.

[Stevie Wonder plays a brief chord on the keyboard and grins.]

Alan: Here’s one of my favorites. People say I sound just like Stevie, with one exception: you can understand every single word!

[Stevie starts playing the chords to “Superstitious,” then sings in a harsh, nasal voice. Joe bobs his head back and forth and smiles.]

Alan: “Very supersitious, writing’s on the wall… VERY SUPERSTITIOUS!!! Letters start to fall…”

Richie: Alan! It sucks, man.

Byrne: [sheepish] It’s true, Alan, it does suck. Uh, do the good one.

[Stevie looks hurt and struggles to maintain his composure.]

Alan: Okay. Here’s another one. [clears through loudly]

[In exactly the same manner, he starts bellowing out “Living for the City.” He sings the first entire verse out of rhythm while Joe again bobs his head back and forth and smiles.]

Richie: That’s the worst Stevie Wonder impression I’ve ever seen in my life.

Alan: [grinning] What’s the matter with it?

[The crowd roars with laughter as Stevie grins at Eddie, who breaks down and laughs helplessly for several seconds along with the audience.]

Alan: I can funk! I can funk! I can funk…

Richie: Yeah, yeah, but this, what’s you’re doing is ridiculous. It’s nothing like, I know Stevie Wonder, man, and he’s like, you have to mellow out, you see, you’re too tense. Loosen up. You have to see me do a Stevie Wonder impression…

[Eddie Murphy takes a pair of sunglasses out of his breast pocket. Crowd roars as Eddie puts them on.]

Richie: You gotta smile a lot, like this, you see, you gotta smile. [grins]

Alan: [grins with his mouth wide open] You mean like this?

Richie: No.

Alan: Like this?

Richie: Yeah, but you ain’t really got it yet. Then you gotta move your neck around. Stevie moves his neck around. Move your neck like somebody’s chokin’ ya, like this. Like that, see.

[Stevie puts his hands gently around Eddie’s neck as Eddie moves it back and forth a la Stevie.]

Alan: [grinning] If you don’t like my show, I’m gonna choke you.

[Stevie moves his head back and forth stiffly.]

Alan: Is this how he does it, like this?

Richie: Kinda.

Alan: Like that?

Richie: You gotta loosen up, you gotta move you hands, like this. See? Listen to me. Watch this.

Alan: Okay.

Richie: [clapping and singing like Stevie Wonder] “My Cherie Amour, lovely as a summer day…”

Alan: [nasal-voiced] “My Cherie Amour…”

Richie: No, no, no, better, with more feeling.

Alan: Oh.

[Stevie grunts as he tries too hard to sing like Stevie]

Alan: [nasal-voiced] “My Cherie Amour…”

Richie: You don’t even know the words!

Alan: “Lovely as a summer day!”

Richie: No, listen to me, listen, listen. [clapping and singing like Stevie Wonder] “My Cherie Amour, distant as the Milky Way…”

[The crowd roars, and then Stevie starts singing the song for real. He claps and sings the rest of the first verse beautifully, and the crowd claps along and roars even louder. Everyone smiles, and Joe pats Stevie on the shoulder. Finally, Eddie takes off his glasses and shakes his head.]

Richie: It still sucks, man.

Byrne: No, no, no! Richie, that was Stevie Wonder! I was standing here! He became Stevie Wonder! Look, I’m not married to this guy! I’ve got another fellow, you would swear he is Smokey Robinson!

Richie: I’m not interested.

Byrne: It’s true! It’s true!

Stevie: I do a great Anita Bryant!

Byrne: No, no, no, no, no. John Davidson, big with the black audience!

Alan: [jumping up and down like a girl] Oh, I can do, I can do John Davidson!

[Zoom out to show entire studio.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Stevie Wonder: 05/07/83: Kannon AE-1

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 19

82s: Stevie Wonder

Kannon AE-1

…..Stevie Wonder
John Newcombe…..Joe Piscopo

Announcer: The Kannon AE-1. So advanced, so simple, even Stevie Wonder can use it. [ shows Stevie feeling around before picking up camera ] Watch as Stevie photographs top tennis star John Newcombe.

[ Stevie takes some pictures – one of John’s right shoulder, of John slanted, one with John completely out of the picture, and one of the right side of John’s head. John goes up to Stevie, and Stevie takes two more pictures: an out-of-focus shot of John’s head, and one of John’s arm. ]

Stevie Wonder: [ hands camera to John ] Here, John, you try!

[ John takes four pictures of Stevie on the court, each one with Stevietrying unsuccessfully to hit the ball with a tennis racket ] [ last scene shows John and Stevie taking pictures together ]

Announcer: The Kannon AE-1.

Stevie Wonder: [ putting his hand on the lens of John’s camera ] So simple, anyone can use it!

[ Stevie laughs, as scene fades out ]

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ed Koch: 05/14/83

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 20

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


May 14th, 1983

Ed Koch

Kevin Rowland & Dexy’s Midnight Runners

Harry Anderson

Don King

Leslie Anderson

Marv Albert

Ed Koch’s MonologueAlso Hosted: 83s.

What’s the most disgusting thing you’ve seen in New York?

Mister Robinson’s NeighborhoodRecurring Characters: Mister Robinson.

On The LedgeRecurring Characters: Frank Sinatra.

Dexy’s Midnight Runners performs “Come On, Eileen”

The EnquirerRecurring Characters: Alfalfa.

Note: Repeat from: 04/09/83.

Bald No More

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Patti Lynn Hunnsacker, Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer.

The WhinersRecurring Characters: Wendy Whiner, Doug Whiner.

Harry AndersonRecurring Characters: Solomon, Pudge.

Late Night with David LettermanRecurring Characters: David Letterman, Paul Shaffer, Gumby.

Dexy’s Midnight Runners performs “The Celtic Soul Brothers”

Women’s Auxillary Meeting


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lily Tomlin: 01/22/83

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 10

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


January 22nd, 1983

Lily Tomlin


Andy Kaufman

Clint Smith
Big Star Eddie Murphy


Lily Tomlin’s Monologue

Public Survival Announcement

Ma Bell Saleswoman

Speaking as a WomanRecurring Characters: Michael Nash, Dustin Hoffman, Joan Rivers.

A Public Service Announcement

Edith Ann’s Storytime

Solomon’s New CoatRecurring Characters: Pudge, Solomon.

Bag Lady Trudy in the Audience

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer.

Pervis Hawkins Sings

FantasyRecurring Characters: Leslie Uggams.

The Irish Radio HourRecurring Characters: Siobhan Cahill, Father Timothy Owens.

Coffees of the World

Jogger MotelNote: Repeat from 10/31/81.


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Robert Guillaume: 03/19/83

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 16

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 19th, 1983

Robert Guillaume

Duran Duran


Buckwheat DeadSummary: Ted Koppel (Joe Piscopo) profiles the life of Buckwheat’s (Eddie Murphy) assassin, John David Stutts (Eddie Murphy).

Recurring Characters: Ted Kopel, Buckwheat.



Robert Guillaume’s Monologue

Clysler-Prymouth FloormatsRecurring Characters: Lee Iacocca.

Old South Slave Songs

Heil Hits

The Mrs. T Birthday SpecialRecurring Characters: Mrs. T, Mr. T, Steve Lawrence.

I Married A MonkeyRecurring Characters: Tim.

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Patti Lynn Hunnsacker.

Duran Duran performs “Hungry Like The Wolf”

Oil Is Us

Solomon’s NephewRecurring Characters: Solomon, Pudge.

Duran Duran performs “Girls on Film”

Wrong Number Breakup


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas: 01/29/83

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 11

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


January 29th, 1983

Rick Moranis

Dave Thomas

The Bus Boys


Bob Hope’s Superbowl PartySummary: A nervous Woody Allen (Rick Moranis) breaks the fourth wall to question the motives of Bob Hope (Dave Thomas) and Frank Sinatra (Joe Piscopo) when they ask him to help re-elect Ronald Reagan in 1984.

Recurring Characters: Bob Hope, Woody Allen, Frank Sinatra.



The McKenzie Brothers’ MonologueSummary: Bob (Rick Moranis) and Doug McKenzie (Dave Thomas) are angered that Don Pardo gave their hotel address to SNL viewers.

The McKenzie Brothers in New York CitySummary: In a filmed segment, Bob (Rick Moranis) and Doug McKenzie (Dave Thomas) observe the landmarks in New York City.

The WhinersSummary: Doug (Joe Piscopo) and Wendy Whiner (Robin Duke) are held hostage during a bank robbery, which culminates with doug taking a bullet.

Recurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner.

I’ll Be the Judge of ThatSummary: Angry poet Tyrone Green (Eddie Murphy) is the winning contestant on Dick Cavett’s (Rick Moranis) new game show, where all the questions and answers are based on Cavett’s own intellect level.

Recurring Characters: Tyrone Green.


The Bus Boys perform “The Boys Are Back In Town”Note: Eddie Murphy joins the band during their performance.

“Hitchcock Hygiene”

Guy TalkSummary: Lenny Ciccilone (Joe Piscopo) chats with a couple of real guys – Liberace (Dave Thomas) and Michael Jackson (Michael Jackson).

Recurring Characters: Liberace, Michael Jackson.


Gerry Todd’s Porta-DishSummary: Entrepreneur Gerry Todd (Rick Moranis) shows how to pick up a satellite television signal on a simple china dinner dish.


Saturday Night News with Brad HallSummary: Joe Piscopo Sports. Dr. Ruth Westheimer (Mary Gross). Eddie Murphy. Walter Cronkite (Dave Thomas) critiques Brad Hall’s closing salutations.

Recurring Characters: Dr. Ruth Westheimer, Walter Cronkite.

Hell Bent For Glory

Ed McMahon For RentSummary: A partygoer’s (Gary Kroeger) lame jokes only interest the crowd after he hires Ed McMahon (Joe Piscopo) to yuk it up at his side.

Recurring Characters: Ed McMahon.

Five Minutes To ReflectSummary: Rabbi Morton Karloff (Rick Moranis) delivers a sermon on the Five Books of Moses.


Ronco Biological Watch

The Bus Boys perform “New Shoes”

Don’t Hitch-HikeSummary: A hitchhiker (Tim Kazurinsky) thinks his luck has changed when an attractive scantily-clad woman picks him up off the side of the road, until their sexual explorations cause them to tumble off a cliff.

Note: Repeat from 10/02/82.


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Robert Guillaume: 03/19/83: Buckwheat Dead

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 16

82p: Robert Guillaume / Duran Duran

Buckwheat Dead

Buckwheat…..Eddie Murphy
John David Stutts…..Eddie Murphy
Ted Koppel…..Joe Piscopo

[FADE IN on footage from the previous week of Eddie Murphy as Buckwheat being shot.]

Announcer: Buckwheat dead: America mourns.

[CUT to blue logo of the words “Mutual Life.”]

Announcer: Brought to you by Mutual Life: because you could die tomorrow.

[Show caption on screen, then CUT to Joe Piscopo as Ted Koppel.]

Ted Koppel: Good evening, I’m Ted Koppel. Surely everyone knows by now that Buckwheat is dead. But for those of you who have not seen the videotape of Buckwheat being shot, let’s take a look.

[CUT to the footage from the previous week of Buckwhat in front of his limo.]

Buckwheat: I nub nou! I nub nou! [grins and waves]

Voice: Hey. Mr. Wheat?

Buckwheat: Yes?

[Shots ring out, Buckwheat looks bewildered, and he slumps against the limo.]

[CUT to a long shot of a huge army in a military parade.]

Ted Koppel: Buckwheat was buried today, and the entire world mourns.

[CUT to a cannon being fired, and then CUT to footage of Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford and Henry Kissinger stepping off a plane and standing formally.]

Ted Koppel: World leaders gathered to offer a final tribute.

[CUT to soldiers goosestepping as the “Funeral March” plays in the background. CUT to shots of dignitaries at a funeral, and then to a closeup of Nancy Reagan and another of Princess Diana, who is dressed in a mourning veil. The music switches from the “Funeral March” to a few notes from the “Our Gang” theme. CUT to a royal guard with tears streaming down his face, then to a crowd of people holding a huge candlelight vigil.]

Ted Koppel: We now join millions of mourners around the world in observing a moment of silence.

[There is a bare second of silence, and then the news theme breaks back in, with the words “BUCKWHEAT: THE MOMENT OF SILENCE.”]

Announcer: This moment of silence is brought to you by Mutual Life.

[SUPERIMPOSE blue logo of the words “Mutual Life” over people lighting candles.]

Announcer: Because you could die tomorrow.

[Show caption on screen, then CUT to Ted Koppel in the studio.]

Ted Koppel: Police have now identified Buckwheat’s assaliant.

[A photo of Eddie Murphy wearing a gray sweater and sitting blankly on a couch is projected on the screen.]

Ted Koppel: He is this man, 27-year-old John David Stutts, described by those who now him as “a loner.” We understand that Stutts is now being taken to criminal court for arraignment. Let’s go there live.

[CUT to Eddie Murphy as Stutts, who is being led in handcuffs down a hallway. He is escorted by cops and attorneys while reporters aim microhpones at him.]

John David Stutts: [in a dreamy voice] Hello, it’s good to see you all. [to camera] Hi, I killed Buckwheat. And I have a question for the American public. When you dream, do you dream in color, or black and white? ‘Cause I dream in black and white. [giggles] And last evening, I had a dream about lime Jello. I didn’t know what flavor it was because it was gray. Then I tasted it, and then I realized it was lime. Definitely lime.

Reporter: Mr. Stutts, did you kill Buckwheat?

John David Stutts: Sure.

Reporter: Did you realize what would happen to you?

John David Stutts: I don’t care, sir.

Reporter: Why’d you kill him, Mr. Stutts?

John David Stutts: Well, I had to kill him. My dog told me he was the Antichrist.

[Eddie passes a bare inch in front of the TV camera. PAN down him walking away down the hall as reporters squint and point their microphones toward him.]

John David Stutts: His name’s Petey, he’s a Dalmatian.

Reporter: Dalmatian? What kind of Dalmatian?

John David Stutts: I named him after the dog on the “Our Gang” follies. His name was Petey.

[CUT back to Joe Piscopo as Koppel]

Ted Koppel: In just a moment, John David Stutts will face arraignment on charges of murder. Why did Stutts do it? We’ve asked noted criminal psychiatrist Dr. Irwin Fletcher for his expert opinion.

[An older gentleman appears on the large “ABC NIGHTLINE” screen.]

Ted Koppel: Welcome, doctor. What makes a man like John David Stutts commit such a crime?

Fletcher: Publicity. In the deranged mind of the killer, he truly believes that, if he kills someone famous, he’ll become famous himself. [scoldingly] And, unfortunately, certain irresponsible members of the media are only too eager to turn these assassins into instant celebrities.

Ted Koppel: [nonplussed] Thank you, doctor. [turns to camera] Let’s take a look at the man who killed Buckwheat: John David Stutts.

[CUT to the still photo of Stutts gazing dully from the couch.]

Announcer: John David Stutts: The Man Behind the Gun.

[SHOW caption of those words, then logo of the words “Mutual Life.”]

Announcer: Brought to you by Mutual Life: because you could die tomorrow.

[FADE to black, then FADE IN on a photo of a white one-story house.]

Ted Koppel: [off camera] John David Stutts spent his childhood here in this modest home in Lima, Ohio.

[CUT to photo of Stutts sitting on his couch again. Photos of the “Our Gang” cast and a photo of Buckwheat from “SNL” are seen on the wall.]

Ted Koppel: Everyone who knew him called him a loner: a quiet young man.

[CUT to photo of a simple church.]

Ted Koppel: Stutts attended Sunday School at the Mercy Seat Baptist Church.

[A black minister sits at a desk with a Roman collar.]

Minister: He was a loner, and a quiet young man. He attended church, and Sunday School. I remember he was always very polite.

Ted Koppel: Do you believe he killed Buckwheat?

Minister: Oh, yes. Definitely. That’s all he talked about.

[CUT to the exterior of a brick school building.]

Ted Koppel: John David Stutts graduated from Unionville High School.

[CUT to a yearbook photo showing Stutts sitting alone at a desk. The caption above the photo reads, “THE LONER.”]

Ted Koppel: His classmates called him “the loner.”

[CUT to a photo of Eddie Murphy’s face pasted over some white guy’s face in a group shot from a yearbook.]

Ted Koppel: Stutts was a member of the Key Club…

[CUT to a similar photo of a smaller group.]

Ted Koppel: The Audio-Visual Squad…

[CUT to Stutts holding a rifle in front of a blackboard.]

Ted Koppel: And president of the Future Assassins of America.

[CUT to a formal yearbook photo of Stutts gazing dully into space. The caption below reads: “John David Stutts, Most Likely to Kill Buckwheat.”]

Ted Koppel: It’s no wonder that his classmates chose him, “Most Likely to Kill Buckwheat.”

[CUT to a middle-aged, mustached man in a blue windbreaker standing in front of gas pumps.]

Gas Station Attendant: [in New England accent] Sure, I remember Stutts. He was a loner, but a real hard worker. I mean, he pumped the gas, he checked the oil, he washed the windows. Nice kid.

Ted Koppel: Do you believe he killed Buckwheat?

Man: Oh, yes, definitely. That’s all he talked about. I remember one day I says, uh, “Stutts, why are you working so hard?” He says, “’Cause I’m saving up to buy a gun, so I can kill Buckwheat.” [shrugs]

[CUT to a tailor hemming the cuffs on a pair of slacks.]

Tailor: John was a quiet boy, a kind of a loner. But real polite. He always stood still when I hemmed his cuffs. Nice kid.

Ted Koppel: Do you believe he killed Buckwheat?

Tailor: Oh, yes, definitely. That’s all he ever talked about. Why, just the other day, he comes in and he says, “Saul, make me a new suit. I’m going to kill Buckwheat, and I want to look good on television.”

[CUT to the still photo of Stutts gazing dully from the couch.]

Announcer: John David Stutts: The Man Behind the Gun.

[SHOW caption of those words, then logo of the words “Mutual Life.”]

Announcer: Brought to you by Mutual Life: because you could die tomorrow.

Ted Koppel: [in studio] We have just learned that John David Stutts has been arraigned and is being returned to his jail cell. Let’s go there right now, live.

[CUT to Stutts being led back down the hallway as before. A cop ahead of him motions for reporters not to ask any questions.]

John David Stutts: Oh, the reporters are back! Hello. Good to see everyone who came back. Hello, it’s good to see you all. Hello.

[Stutts is led around a corner]

Voice: Stutts!

[A second later, a man in a trenchcoat and a fedora reaches out with a pistol, a la Jack Ruby, and shoots Stutts in the stomach. Reporters scream as Stutts and another reporter go down.]

John David Stutts: Ooooouuuch! I’m shot!

Ted Koppel: [in studio] There you have it! John David Stutts, accused assassin of Buckwheat, has been shot right here before your eyes!

[CUT to footage of Stutts being shot.]

Announcer: The shooting of John David Stutts.

[SHOW caption of those words, then logo of the words “Mutual Life.”]

Announcer: Brought to you LIVE by Mutual Life: because you could die tomorrow.

Ted Koppel: For those of you who missed it, John David Stutts, accused killer of Buckwheat, has been shot live on this program! Now, let’s take another look.

[CUT to Stutts being led back down the hallway as before.]

John David Stutts: Hello. Good to see everyone who came back. Hello. It’s good to see you all. Hello.

Ted Koppel: He’s coming through… the shots come right about here.

[Stutts is shot.]

John David Stutts: Ooooouuuch! I’m shot!

Ted Koppel: [in studio] I’ve just been told that John David Stutts is dead!

[CUT to footage of Stutts being shot.]

Announcer: The death of John David Stutts has been brought to you LIVE by Mutual Life:

[SHOW caption of those words, then logo of the words “Mutual Life.”]

Announcer: Because you could die tomorrow.

[SHOW words, “Just like John David Stutts.”]

Announcer: Just like John David Stutts.

Ted Koppel: [in studio] John David Stutts lies dead. How did he die? Let’s take a look.

[CUT to Stutts being led back down the hallway and getting shot.]

Ted Koppel: And there are the shots.

John David Stutts: Ooooouuuch! I’m shot!

Ted Koppel: And so two famous men lie dead: Buckwheat and John David Stutts. We’ll be here tomorrow night and every night for as long as this senseless killing continues. This is Ted Koppel. Good night.

[FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas: 01/29/83: Gerry Todd’s Porta-Dish

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 11

Search Now: In Association with

82k: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas / The Bus Boys

Gerry Todd’s Porta-Dish

Gerry Todd…..Rick Moranis

[ open on Gerry Todd in a control booth facing away from the camera, staring into a bank of television sets broadcasting various feeds, including several of himself staring at the television sets ]

Gerry Todd: Ha ha ha ha ha! [ turns around ] How are you? Grry Todd with ya’! You know – you know, video has come a long way since the days of the Big Three networks. Why, with today’s cable, you can get thirty, forty, maybe fifty channels. But if you’re a videophile like me, you’ll find that even isn’t enough. Well, thanks to satellite transmission, there are now literally thousands of broadcasts going on every hour, all around the world. Now, I know what you’re saying – you’re saying, “Gerry, how the heck can I afford to get those broadcasts on those dishes, they’re darn expensive!”

Well! Take a looksie at this: [ holds up a china eating dish with a thing sticking out of the middle ] This is a new dish that anyone can afford. It’s a new portable model, it’s unbelievable! It does everything the big ones do, plus it comes in dozens of patterns, it’s completely unbreakable, and it’s dishwasher-safe! And wait ’til you see the things that this baby pulls in!

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on festive muzak and a blue screen filled with a scrolling list of city names and percentages – ex. “Boston. . . . . .45%” and “Cairo. . . . . .3%” ]

Gerry Todd V/O: Now, this is the Humidity Chanel. It’s a kind of a spin-off from the Weather Channel. Boy, it’s dry in Cairo, isn’t it? That’s handy to know! 56 in Europe.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on a couple of women flipping upside-down on trampolines, with the superimposed number “1,215,754” rising by one digit with each flip ]

Oh, now, this is the Trampoline Channel. This is from Czechoslavakia, this.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on a man walking through a Western scene firing a rifle ]

Oh, this is the Rifleman Channel. They run these 24 hours a day – I’ve got all these on VHS already, though.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on a microscopic slide images ]

Oh, now this is almost educational – this is the Microbiology Channel. It’s fun to turn down the sound, do your own narrations with these.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on a scrolling list of alphabetized names – ex. “Jim Fish”, “Jim L. Fish”, “Joe Bob Fish”, “Vern Fish”, “Vern Fish, Jr.”, “Vern Bob Fish”, etc. ]

Oh, now this is the Census Channel. Your name comes up about once every six months.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on an old black-and-white movie with mangled subtitles ]

Man in Film: That I don’t know. [ subtitle: “Taht I dont wonk.” ] By the way… [ subtitle: “Yb the yaw…” ]

Gerry Todd: Now, this is interesting – this is the Dyslexia Channel.

Man in Film: How did Tom and Betty make out today? [ subtitle: “Who dod Mot and Tebby mak out toady?” ]

Woman in Film: They’ve taken their new assignment very seriously. [ subtitle: “Thr taken or noo angsiment vy cereal.” ]

Gerry Todd: It’s closed-captioning for dyslexics.

Woman in Film: They worked all afternoon. [ subtitle: “Hey word al antlerfoon.” ]

Gerry Todd: I think that’s kind of a good public service, myself.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on native Africans dancing with spears to Toni Basil’s “Mickey” ]

Now, this is “African Bandstand.” Ah, Dick Clark produces that out of Zimbabwe, Rhodesia.

[ cut back to Gerry Todd in the control booth ]

Gerry Todd: It’s the Porta-Dish! Thousands of channels. It comes in paper for parties, two sets for your Jewish friends. You’ll need never — [ audience bursts into laughter and applause ] You’ll need never leave the house again!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts