SNL Transcripts: Stevie Wonder: 05/07/83



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 19


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 7th, 1983

Stevie Wonder

Stevie Wonder

Michael Davis

Greg Dean

Andy Murphy
VD

Montage

Stevie Wonder performs “Fingertips”

Kannon AE-1Transcript.

Stevie Wonder ImpersonatorTranscript.

Hitler: The Secret DiariesRecurring Characters: Adolph Hitler, Eva Braun.

Stevie Wonder performs “Overjoyed”

The Story of Stevie WonderRecurring Characters: Stevie Wonder.

Dion’sRecurring Characters: Dion, Blaire.

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.

Michael Davis

Cotton Land

The Hunchback Busboy

Stevie Wonder performs “Go Home”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Stevie Wonder: 05/07/83: Stevie Wonder Impersonator



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 19


82s: Stevie Wonder

Stevie Wonder Impersonator

Richie…..Eddie Murphy
Byrne…..Joe Piscopo
Alan…..Stevie Wonder

[FADE IN on Eddie Murphy as a show-biz agent sitting at a desk and talking on the telephone.]

Richie: Look, I’m talking about more this year, I’m talking about pride, all right? I’m talking about the Miss Black Teenage America Contest. [pauses] Well, it’s gonna be a quality show, man, Don Cornelius is hosting! [pauses] Listen to who we got to be the judges: Ike Turner, Eartha Kitt, Willie Tyler and Lester… [pauses] You know, the dude with the puppet! [pauses] Look, all this show needs now is the incredible musical talents of Wilson Pickett, and- [pauses] What you mean, Wilson Pickett is busy? This is a quality job! [pauses] Well, at least tell the wicked Pickett to think about it, all right? [pauses] Do that for me, okay?

[knocking at the door]

Richie: All right. Someone’s at my door, I gotta call you back. [puts down phone] Uh, come in!

[Joe Piscopo enters, dressed in a suit and wearing a nerdy pair of dark-rimmed glasses. He talks in a nasal voice.]

Byrne: Richie, how are ya?

Richie: Good.

Byrne: The wife?

Richie: Good.

Byrne: Oh, good, good! Good to see ya. Hey, hey, guy robs a bank, right? Wants to go into hiding. He signs with the William Morris Agency–he’s never heard from again! It’s true! It’s true!

Richie: Who’d you get for me, Byrne?

Byrne: Who did I get for you? Did I get you Willie Tyler?

Richie: Yeah.

Byrne: Did I get you Lester?

Richie: Yeah.

Byrne: I got you a singer.

Richie: Who?

Byrne: Think biggest black singer alive.

Richie: You got Michael Jackson, man?

Byrne: No, no, no.

Richie: Marvin Gaye?

Byrne: Think blind.

Richie: You got Ray Charles?!

Byrne: Think braids.

Richie: STEVIE WONDER!!

Byrne: No, no, no!

Richie: You got me Stevie Wonder? Man, you really outdid yourself this time!

Byrne: No, no, no, I got you someone even better!

Richie: Better than Stevie Wonder?

Byrne: Mm-hm.

Richie: Who?

Byrne: [grinning] Alan, the Stevie Wonder Experience! It’s wonderful! The kid tours the country in a show called “Stevemania”! It’s a big hit with the college kids!

Richie: I don’t want a Steve Wonder imitation.

Byrne: No, no, no, he’s better than Stevie! I wanna introduce him to you. [calls through door] Alan!

Alan’s Voice: [offscreen] Yeah?

Byrne: Alan, come here. I want you meet Richie over here.

[Stevie Wonder walks in as Alan, with a portable keyboard in his hands. Byrne leads him over to Richie, and Richie and Alan shake hands.]

Byrne: Here we go, how you doin’, this is Alan right here. Alan, meet Ritchie, right here, your next employer.

Richie: [dubiously] How you doin’, man.

Alan: [with a huge grin and a nasal voice] Hello, I’d just like to say, it’s gonna be a great pleasure appearing on a Miss Black Teenage America program.

Richie: This guy is a dork. He ain’t nothin’ like Stevie Wonder!

Byrne: No, no, no! That’s because he’s here! But on stage, with the music, the lights, the whole kit and kaboodle, he becomes Stevie Wonder! It’s true!

Richie: I’m not interested.

Byrne: It’s true!

Richie: I’m not interested.

Alan: [to Joe] Listen, I get the feeling that he doesn’t want me on his show. [grins widely]

Byrne: No, no, no. Alan, Alan, please, please, Alan, it’s a definite do-able! Make, make your magic, sing for the man! Sing for the man a little bit.

[Stevie Wonder plays a brief chord on the keyboard and grins.]

Alan: Here’s one of my favorites. People say I sound just like Stevie, with one exception: you can understand every single word!

[Stevie starts playing the chords to “Superstitious,” then sings in a harsh, nasal voice. Joe bobs his head back and forth and smiles.]

Alan: “Very supersitious, writing’s on the wall… VERY SUPERSTITIOUS!!! Letters start to fall…”

Richie: Alan! It sucks, man.

Byrne: [sheepish] It’s true, Alan, it does suck. Uh, do the good one.

[Stevie looks hurt and struggles to maintain his composure.]

Alan: Okay. Here’s another one. [clears through loudly]

[In exactly the same manner, he starts bellowing out “Living for the City.” He sings the first entire verse out of rhythm while Joe again bobs his head back and forth and smiles.]

Richie: That’s the worst Stevie Wonder impression I’ve ever seen in my life.

Alan: [grinning] What’s the matter with it?

[The crowd roars with laughter as Stevie grins at Eddie, who breaks down and laughs helplessly for several seconds along with the audience.]

Alan: I can funk! I can funk! I can funk…

Richie: Yeah, yeah, but this, what’s you’re doing is ridiculous. It’s nothing like, I know Stevie Wonder, man, and he’s like, you have to mellow out, you see, you’re too tense. Loosen up. You have to see me do a Stevie Wonder impression…

[Eddie Murphy takes a pair of sunglasses out of his breast pocket. Crowd roars as Eddie puts them on.]

Richie: You gotta smile a lot, like this, you see, you gotta smile. [grins]

Alan: [grins with his mouth wide open] You mean like this?

Richie: No.

Alan: Like this?

Richie: Yeah, but you ain’t really got it yet. Then you gotta move your neck around. Stevie moves his neck around. Move your neck like somebody’s chokin’ ya, like this. Like that, see.

[Stevie puts his hands gently around Eddie’s neck as Eddie moves it back and forth a la Stevie.]

Alan: [grinning] If you don’t like my show, I’m gonna choke you.

[Stevie moves his head back and forth stiffly.]

Alan: Is this how he does it, like this?

Richie: Kinda.

Alan: Like that?

Richie: You gotta loosen up, you gotta move you hands, like this. See? Listen to me. Watch this.

Alan: Okay.

Richie: [clapping and singing like Stevie Wonder] “My Cherie Amour, lovely as a summer day…”

Alan: [nasal-voiced] “My Cherie Amour…”

Richie: No, no, no, better, with more feeling.

Alan: Oh.

[Stevie grunts as he tries too hard to sing like Stevie]

Alan: [nasal-voiced] “My Cherie Amour…”

Richie: You don’t even know the words!

Alan: “Lovely as a summer day!”

Richie: No, listen to me, listen, listen. [clapping and singing like Stevie Wonder] “My Cherie Amour, distant as the Milky Way…”

[The crowd roars, and then Stevie starts singing the song for real. He claps and sings the rest of the first verse beautifully, and the crowd claps along and roars even louder. Everyone smiles, and Joe pats Stevie on the shoulder. Finally, Eddie takes off his glasses and shakes his head.]

Richie: It still sucks, man.

Byrne: No, no, no! Richie, that was Stevie Wonder! I was standing here! He became Stevie Wonder! Look, I’m not married to this guy! I’ve got another fellow, you would swear he is Smokey Robinson!

Richie: I’m not interested.

Byrne: It’s true! It’s true!

Stevie: I do a great Anita Bryant!

Byrne: No, no, no, no, no. John Davidson, big with the black audience!

Alan: [jumping up and down like a girl] Oh, I can do, I can do John Davidson!

[Zoom out to show entire studio.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Stevie Wonder: 05/07/83: Kannon AE-1



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 19




82s: Stevie Wonder

Kannon AE-1

…..Stevie Wonder
John Newcombe…..Joe Piscopo

Announcer: The Kannon AE-1. So advanced, so simple, even Stevie Wonder can use it. [ shows Stevie feeling around before picking up camera ] Watch as Stevie photographs top tennis star John Newcombe.

[ Stevie takes some pictures – one of John’s right shoulder, of John slanted, one with John completely out of the picture, and one of the right side of John’s head. John goes up to Stevie, and Stevie takes two more pictures: an out-of-focus shot of John’s head, and one of John’s arm. ]

Stevie Wonder: [ hands camera to John ] Here, John, you try!

[ John takes four pictures of Stevie on the court, each one with Stevietrying unsuccessfully to hit the ball with a tennis racket ] [ last scene shows John and Stevie taking pictures together ]

Announcer: The Kannon AE-1.

Stevie Wonder: [ putting his hand on the lens of John’s camera ] So simple, anyone can use it!

[ Stevie laughs, as scene fades out ]

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ed Koch: 05/14/83



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 20


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 14th, 1983

Ed Koch

Kevin Rowland & Dexy’s Midnight Runners

Harry Anderson

Don King

Leslie Anderson

Marv Albert
Montage

Ed Koch’s MonologueAlso Hosted: 83s.

What’s the most disgusting thing you’ve seen in New York?

Mister Robinson’s NeighborhoodRecurring Characters: Mister Robinson.

On The LedgeRecurring Characters: Frank Sinatra.

Dexy’s Midnight Runners performs “Come On, Eileen”

The EnquirerRecurring Characters: Alfalfa.

Note: Repeat from: 04/09/83.

Bald No More

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Patti Lynn Hunnsacker, Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer.

The WhinersRecurring Characters: Wendy Whiner, Doug Whiner.

Harry AndersonRecurring Characters: Solomon, Pudge.

Late Night with David LettermanRecurring Characters: David Letterman, Paul Shaffer, Gumby.

Dexy’s Midnight Runners performs “The Celtic Soul Brothers”

Women’s Auxillary Meeting

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ssuan St. James: 04/16/83: Magic Fish Negotiations



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 18


82r: Susan St. James / Michael McDonald

Magic Fish Negotiations

Mommy…..Susan St. James
Numpkin…..Eddie Murphy
Fish…..Mary Gross
Mike Rudell…..Tim Kazurinsky
Burt…..Brad Hall

[Mommy holds a baby. Lullaby music plays in the background.]

Mommy: Okay, Charlie! Mommy’s gonna read you a little fairy tale! [opens book] Let’s see, where’s a really good one… Here’s one.Once upon a time, there lived a poor peasant named Numpkin, and one day poor Numpkin’s wife sent him down to the sea to catch a fish for their dinner, because they were so very, very hungry…

[Wipe to Numpkin with a fishing pole approaching a dock by the sea.]

Numpkin: Oh, I hope I catch a fish, otherwise my wife Bubbles will hit me with a spoon!

[Numpkin casts his line from the dock.]

Numpkin: Ooo, a nibble!

[Numpkin catches a fish.]

Numpkin: What an enormous fish! Such a fish could feed an entire village! Or give Bubbles a little snack…

[Fish spits water at Numpkin.]

Numpkin: You’re a nasty fish, ain’t ya!

Fish: Please good sir, do not eat me, I am a magical fish!

Numpkin: Zeus, it speaks!

Fish: Spare me, and I will give you three wishes!

Numpkin: Three wishes…

[Numpkin sits on the dock next to the fish.]

Fish: Yes, anything you desire in all the world can be yours! Interested?

Numpkin: Goodness, yes! I want a gold coach with a racing stripe with leopard interior and six black horses with… wait a minute, there’s a catch here, right? The same thing happened to my friend Potemkin, and I remember he was a woodcutter and he met this magical bush and the bush said he could have all these wishes and he wished for this giant goat, and the goat was a hundred feet high and it ate all his crops, then it dropped a big one on his wife! What you’re trying to do is teach me some lesson about greed, isn’t it?

Fish: No, no, oh please!

Numpkin: Alright fish, but you wait here for a second alright.

[Numpkin runs off.]

Fish: Strange peasant he that hesitates to accept my bounty. Perhaps I’ve overwhelmed the poor gentle soul with my generosity.

[Numpkin returns with Mike Rodell.]

Numpkin: Hey fish, this is my attorney Mike Rodell. He’s gonna be negotiating these wishes for me.

Fish: Say what?

Numpkin: You heard what I said. I ain’t no fool, I’m gonna cover my behind legally on this thing right here. Alright.

Mike Rudell: Alright then, let’s handle some of these contractual parameters here, OK. Regarding these proferred wishes: can my client opt to utilize one or more of these wishes to wish for more wishes?

Fish: Uh, no, not really…

Mike Rudell: Well, let’s get that in writing then, eh?

Numpkin: I want a cow!

Mike Rudell: Let me handle this, Numpkin. Suppose my client does wish for a cow. Could you legally, then, give him a cow that gives sour milk, or does the term “cow” prima facie denote a healthy bovine in all…

[Wipe to Mommy.]

Mommy: And they negotiated and they negotiated for weeks and weeks, until they had the most mutually acceptable contract in all the land. Finally, the great day came when Numpkin the peasant, hereafter referred to as the party of the first part, and the magical fish, hereafter referred to as the party of the second part, and Numpkin’s attorneys, Michael Rudell of the firm Flang, Rudell, and LeBuff, gathered together to sign their fine document.

[Wipe to the dock.]

Mike Rudell: Okay, I think we’ve got it here… let’s just look at the main clauses one more time, okay… pursuant to the three wishes, blah blah blah blah blah, okay, wish number one…

Numpkin: Look man, I just want my damn cow, alright!

Mike Rudell: Just sit tight, Numpkin, huh. The party of the second part agrees to supply the party of the first part with one Guernsey heifer guaranteed to be the largest in all the land, but not so large as to be physically unwieldy.

Numpkin: And I want the sucker to give more milk than any other cow in the land.

Fish: Absolutely!

Burt: Now, now, now, just a minute Numpkin! Now with that wording, Mike, correct me if I’m wrong, the cow could theoretically produce so much milk so as to float the entire village away and flood his hut.

Mike Rudell: Good point, Burt. We want a clause limiting the milk to a reasonable quantity.

Burt: Good move.

Fish: Fine! Damn!

Mike Rudell: To continue: wish number two. The party of the first part wishes to meet the king’s daughter. The above mentioned daughter at this time will be dressed in a leather corset revealing not less than 90% of the total area of her virginal pink flesh.

Numpkin: Don’t forget the boots and the chain drawers!

Mike Rudell: Yeah, you got it right away. Furthermore, the wife of the party of the first part, hereafter referred to as “Bubbles”, will not as a consequence of this wish hit the party of the first part with a spoon or any other kitchen implement.

Numpkin: Yeah, that bitch is crazy!

Fish: Agreed!

Mike Rudell: Well then, let’s just sign this, shall we?

Fish: Wait a minute, what’s the third wish?

Numpkin: Oh, the third wish is that you pay my lawyer, cause this dude is milking me dry.

Mike Rudell: Uh, that is correct. My fee is four wishes.

Fish: Four wishes! But I only gave him three, and he hauled me out of the sea!

Mike Rudell: You’ll pay me four, sister, or I’ll haul you to an appellate court, put the cow in escrow, and sell you to Mrs. Paul, alright?

Burt: Great move, Mike!

Mike Rudell: Thank you Numpkin…

Fish: I accept! I accept!

[Wipe to Mommy.]

Mommy: And the moral of the story is, it doesn’t pay to be greedy without competent legal … uh… representation. THE END, Charlie.

Submitted by: Jay Stuler

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas: 01/29/83: Five Minutes to Reflect



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 11



Search Now: In Association with Amazon.com


82k: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas / The Bus Boys

Five Minutes to Reflect

Rabbi Morton Karloff…..Rick Moranis

[ open on title superimposed over stained glass windows, as organ music plays ]

Announcer: Welcome to “Five Minutes to Reflect.”

[ zoom out, then down to reveal the rabbi Morton Karloff flipping through his prayer text ]

Announcer: Tonight’s guest speaker is the rabbi Morton Karloff, of Temple Beth Myerson.

Rabbi Morton Karloff: Good evening. You know, many people have asked me the question: “Rabbi, tell me what is the origin of the Five Books of Moses.” Well. I myself have — [ removes his glasses, which separates his side curls from the rest of his hair ] — shrugged my shoulders many times at the thought. Why not four books, or – or six books, or – or ten books? [ replaces his glasses and side curls ] Well.. the simple fact is that the Five Books of moses were just to be the first five books in a projected series that was going to be issued monthly, under the tile “The Testement of the month Club.” Now, as you all know, according to the Jewish calendar, this is the year 5743, which means that, had we been publishing one book per month, right now we’d be up to Volume 68,708.

But what were th other books to have been written about? Well, basically, home repair. Volume 6 through 29 were tentatively titled “Hebraic Household Hints.” The sixth volume, for example, was to be devoted entirely to drywall. Volume 7 through 10 were on small appliance repair, plumbling, and heating. And Volume 11 was on vertical and, uh.. vertical blind and track lighting installation, I believe.

Now, these books never appeared,which explains why, to this day, the Jewish people are not very handy. But was the entire rest of the Bible to have consisted only of handyman’s tips? Well, hardly. no, there were a great many more subjects that were to have been covered. Military tactics, uh.. the correct way of cooking meat, so it isn’t dry and tasteless. And how to decorate a suburban living room like a Hawaiian hotel lobby. One book alone – “Sex Hints for the Teenaged Daughter” – might have changed the entire course of history, had it been issued as was planned in 1726.

But the most frequently-asked question is: “On Rasheed’s philosophy of skylight leaks, what was the –“

[ the organ music pots up ]

Rabbi Morton Karloff: What is the music coming in for now? That’s too early, I had five minutes to reflect. [ looks at his watch ] That’s, uh – that’s four minutes and ten seconds, I’ve been keeping time. No, you’re not cutting now – I have five minutes to reflect! No! He said five minutes on me, not four minutes on me!

[ the camera pans upward to the stained glass window ]

Rabbi Morton Karloff: Now he’s moving up! Why is he moving up?! What is he – he’s going to the window again! It’s not – what is this, a window commercial? Come back here! Hey!

[ Rabbi morton Karloff waves his hand as the camera rises past him and holds on the stained glass window ]

Rabbi Morton Karloff V/O: Hey, this isn’t “Four Minutes to Reflect!!” Hey, come here!

[ Rabbi Morton Karloff stands up his pulpit so he can reappear in the frame ]

Rabbi Morton Karloff: What is this, “Four Minutes to Reflect and a One-Minute Window Commercial?!” The Episcopalian yesterday got the whole thing!!

Announcer: Be with us again tomorrow night for —

Rabbi Morton Karloff: Now the announcer is coming in, come on!!

Announcer: — “Five minutes to Reflect.”

Rabbi Morton Karloff: The Born-Again three days ago got ten minutes!!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Sid Caesar: 02/05/83



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 12


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Air Date:

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Cameos:


February 5th, 1983

Sid Caesar

Joe Cocker

Harry Anderson

Jennifer Warnes
How To Prove It’s Live

Montage

Sid Caesar’s Monologue

Funeral in a Cab

The WhinersRecurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner.

Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes perform “Up Where We Belong”

“Who Do You Hate?”Note: Repeat from 02/20/82.

Hotel Room Time Warp

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Patti Lynn Hunnsacker, Dr. Jack Badofsky.

Harry Anderson

Crime & Self-Punishment

A Few Minutes With Andy RooneyRecurring Characters: Andy Rooney.

Joe Cocker performs “Seven Days”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Howard Hesseman: 02/19/83



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 13


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Air Date:

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Cameos:


February 19th, 1983

Howard Hesseman

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

None

Milan Melvin
Howard’s Planned Monologue

Montage

Howard Hesseman’s Monologue

Sleepy Boy 2000

Elvis Presley, Back & Black

Mad Magazine TheatreRecurring Characters: Tom Snyder.

West Heaven

The A-TeamRecurring Characters: Mr. T, Rex Reed.

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer.

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers performs “Change of Heart”

The Fiesta Cheese PlatterRecurring Characters: Marvin, Celeste.

Dion’sRecurring Characters: Dion.

The Laughing Buddha

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers performs “The Waiting”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Beau & Jeff Bridges: 02/26/83



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 14


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Air Date:

Host:



Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 26th, 1983

Beau Bridges

Jeff Bridges

Randy Newman

None

Lloyd Bridges

Andy Murphy

Joe Dicso

Clint Smith

Howard Hesseman
Childhood Stories

Montage

Beau & Jeff Bridges’ Monologue

TexxonTranscript

Problem Pimple

Rick’s Cafe

Randy Newman performs “I Love L.A.”

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Dr. Ruth Westheimer.

Time Magazine

Cheap Hunt

Battered Husband

Saundra’s House of Massage

Randy Newman performs “Real Emotional Girl”

Guy Crazy

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Beau & Jeff Bridges: 02/26/83: Texxon



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 14


82n: Beau & Jeff Bridges / Randy Newman

Texxon

Voice-over: A new community center for senior citizens. A lifesaving clinic for treating athsmatic children. A free job training program for unemployed veterans. What do they all have in common?

(Texxon logo shown on screen)

Texxon oil. Grants from the Texxon foundation paid for them all.

(shows news magazines with front-page stories about extravangant oil company profits)

So when we hear a lot of loose talk about “price fixing” and “windfallprofits,” it worries us. We want to go on helping the needy.

(cut to scene of protesters in front of Capitol Hill, demanding regulations and taxes on oil companies)

So the next time you take an irresponsible swipe at an oil company,remember, who’s going to feel the pinch first?

Elderly man: If anything happens to the oil depletion allowance, I’m as good as dead.

Unemployed Veteran: If these dudes don’t get some offshore oil leases, I’ll be back on the streets. And I’ll be mad.

Athsmatic Little Girl: Please don’t pull the plug on me. Support the deregulation of natural gas.

(background music turns dramatic, logo and motto appear on screen)

Voice-over: Texxon. Do what we say, and nobody gets hurt.

Submitted by: Tony Dumont

SNL Transcripts