SNL Transcripts: Ssuan St. James: 04/16/83: Magic Fish Negotiations



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 18


82r: Susan St. James / Michael McDonald

Magic Fish Negotiations

Mommy…..Susan St. James
Numpkin…..Eddie Murphy
Fish…..Mary Gross
Mike Rudell…..Tim Kazurinsky
Burt…..Brad Hall

[Mommy holds a baby. Lullaby music plays in the background.]

Mommy: Okay, Charlie! Mommy’s gonna read you a little fairy tale! [opens book] Let’s see, where’s a really good one… Here’s one.Once upon a time, there lived a poor peasant named Numpkin, and one day poor Numpkin’s wife sent him down to the sea to catch a fish for their dinner, because they were so very, very hungry…

[Wipe to Numpkin with a fishing pole approaching a dock by the sea.]

Numpkin: Oh, I hope I catch a fish, otherwise my wife Bubbles will hit me with a spoon!

[Numpkin casts his line from the dock.]

Numpkin: Ooo, a nibble!

[Numpkin catches a fish.]

Numpkin: What an enormous fish! Such a fish could feed an entire village! Or give Bubbles a little snack…

[Fish spits water at Numpkin.]

Numpkin: You’re a nasty fish, ain’t ya!

Fish: Please good sir, do not eat me, I am a magical fish!

Numpkin: Zeus, it speaks!

Fish: Spare me, and I will give you three wishes!

Numpkin: Three wishes…

[Numpkin sits on the dock next to the fish.]

Fish: Yes, anything you desire in all the world can be yours! Interested?

Numpkin: Goodness, yes! I want a gold coach with a racing stripe with leopard interior and six black horses with… wait a minute, there’s a catch here, right? The same thing happened to my friend Potemkin, and I remember he was a woodcutter and he met this magical bush and the bush said he could have all these wishes and he wished for this giant goat, and the goat was a hundred feet high and it ate all his crops, then it dropped a big one on his wife! What you’re trying to do is teach me some lesson about greed, isn’t it?

Fish: No, no, oh please!

Numpkin: Alright fish, but you wait here for a second alright.

[Numpkin runs off.]

Fish: Strange peasant he that hesitates to accept my bounty. Perhaps I’ve overwhelmed the poor gentle soul with my generosity.

[Numpkin returns with Mike Rodell.]

Numpkin: Hey fish, this is my attorney Mike Rodell. He’s gonna be negotiating these wishes for me.

Fish: Say what?

Numpkin: You heard what I said. I ain’t no fool, I’m gonna cover my behind legally on this thing right here. Alright.

Mike Rudell: Alright then, let’s handle some of these contractual parameters here, OK. Regarding these proferred wishes: can my client opt to utilize one or more of these wishes to wish for more wishes?

Fish: Uh, no, not really…

Mike Rudell: Well, let’s get that in writing then, eh?

Numpkin: I want a cow!

Mike Rudell: Let me handle this, Numpkin. Suppose my client does wish for a cow. Could you legally, then, give him a cow that gives sour milk, or does the term “cow” prima facie denote a healthy bovine in all…

[Wipe to Mommy.]

Mommy: And they negotiated and they negotiated for weeks and weeks, until they had the most mutually acceptable contract in all the land. Finally, the great day came when Numpkin the peasant, hereafter referred to as the party of the first part, and the magical fish, hereafter referred to as the party of the second part, and Numpkin’s attorneys, Michael Rudell of the firm Flang, Rudell, and LeBuff, gathered together to sign their fine document.

[Wipe to the dock.]

Mike Rudell: Okay, I think we’ve got it here… let’s just look at the main clauses one more time, okay… pursuant to the three wishes, blah blah blah blah blah, okay, wish number one…

Numpkin: Look man, I just want my damn cow, alright!

Mike Rudell: Just sit tight, Numpkin, huh. The party of the second part agrees to supply the party of the first part with one Guernsey heifer guaranteed to be the largest in all the land, but not so large as to be physically unwieldy.

Numpkin: And I want the sucker to give more milk than any other cow in the land.

Fish: Absolutely!

Burt: Now, now, now, just a minute Numpkin! Now with that wording, Mike, correct me if I’m wrong, the cow could theoretically produce so much milk so as to float the entire village away and flood his hut.

Mike Rudell: Good point, Burt. We want a clause limiting the milk to a reasonable quantity.

Burt: Good move.

Fish: Fine! Damn!

Mike Rudell: To continue: wish number two. The party of the first part wishes to meet the king’s daughter. The above mentioned daughter at this time will be dressed in a leather corset revealing not less than 90% of the total area of her virginal pink flesh.

Numpkin: Don’t forget the boots and the chain drawers!

Mike Rudell: Yeah, you got it right away. Furthermore, the wife of the party of the first part, hereafter referred to as “Bubbles”, will not as a consequence of this wish hit the party of the first part with a spoon or any other kitchen implement.

Numpkin: Yeah, that bitch is crazy!

Fish: Agreed!

Mike Rudell: Well then, let’s just sign this, shall we?

Fish: Wait a minute, what’s the third wish?

Numpkin: Oh, the third wish is that you pay my lawyer, cause this dude is milking me dry.

Mike Rudell: Uh, that is correct. My fee is four wishes.

Fish: Four wishes! But I only gave him three, and he hauled me out of the sea!

Mike Rudell: You’ll pay me four, sister, or I’ll haul you to an appellate court, put the cow in escrow, and sell you to Mrs. Paul, alright?

Burt: Great move, Mike!

Mike Rudell: Thank you Numpkin…

Fish: I accept! I accept!

[Wipe to Mommy.]

Mommy: And the moral of the story is, it doesn’t pay to be greedy without competent legal … uh… representation. THE END, Charlie.

Submitted by: Jay Stuler

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Stevie Wonder: 05/07/83



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 19


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 7th, 1983

Stevie Wonder

Stevie Wonder

Michael Davis

Greg Dean

Andy Murphy
VD

Montage

Stevie Wonder performs “Fingertips”

Kannon AE-1Transcript.

Stevie Wonder ImpersonatorTranscript.

Hitler: The Secret DiariesRecurring Characters: Adolph Hitler, Eva Braun.

Stevie Wonder performs “Overjoyed”

The Story of Stevie WonderRecurring Characters: Stevie Wonder.

Dion’sRecurring Characters: Dion, Blaire.

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.

Michael Davis

Cotton Land

The Hunchback Busboy

Stevie Wonder performs “Go Home”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Stevie Wonder: 05/07/83: Stevie Wonder Impersonator



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 19


82s: Stevie Wonder

Stevie Wonder Impersonator

Richie…..Eddie Murphy
Byrne…..Joe Piscopo
Alan…..Stevie Wonder

[FADE IN on Eddie Murphy as a show-biz agent sitting at a desk and talking on the telephone.]

Richie: Look, I’m talking about more this year, I’m talking about pride, all right? I’m talking about the Miss Black Teenage America Contest. [pauses] Well, it’s gonna be a quality show, man, Don Cornelius is hosting! [pauses] Listen to who we got to be the judges: Ike Turner, Eartha Kitt, Willie Tyler and Lester… [pauses] You know, the dude with the puppet! [pauses] Look, all this show needs now is the incredible musical talents of Wilson Pickett, and- [pauses] What you mean, Wilson Pickett is busy? This is a quality job! [pauses] Well, at least tell the wicked Pickett to think about it, all right? [pauses] Do that for me, okay?

[knocking at the door]

Richie: All right. Someone’s at my door, I gotta call you back. [puts down phone] Uh, come in!

[Joe Piscopo enters, dressed in a suit and wearing a nerdy pair of dark-rimmed glasses. He talks in a nasal voice.]

Byrne: Richie, how are ya?

Richie: Good.

Byrne: The wife?

Richie: Good.

Byrne: Oh, good, good! Good to see ya. Hey, hey, guy robs a bank, right? Wants to go into hiding. He signs with the William Morris Agency–he’s never heard from again! It’s true! It’s true!

Richie: Who’d you get for me, Byrne?

Byrne: Who did I get for you? Did I get you Willie Tyler?

Richie: Yeah.

Byrne: Did I get you Lester?

Richie: Yeah.

Byrne: I got you a singer.

Richie: Who?

Byrne: Think biggest black singer alive.

Richie: You got Michael Jackson, man?

Byrne: No, no, no.

Richie: Marvin Gaye?

Byrne: Think blind.

Richie: You got Ray Charles?!

Byrne: Think braids.

Richie: STEVIE WONDER!!

Byrne: No, no, no!

Richie: You got me Stevie Wonder? Man, you really outdid yourself this time!

Byrne: No, no, no, I got you someone even better!

Richie: Better than Stevie Wonder?

Byrne: Mm-hm.

Richie: Who?

Byrne: [grinning] Alan, the Stevie Wonder Experience! It’s wonderful! The kid tours the country in a show called “Stevemania”! It’s a big hit with the college kids!

Richie: I don’t want a Steve Wonder imitation.

Byrne: No, no, no, he’s better than Stevie! I wanna introduce him to you. [calls through door] Alan!

Alan’s Voice: [offscreen] Yeah?

Byrne: Alan, come here. I want you meet Richie over here.

[Stevie Wonder walks in as Alan, with a portable keyboard in his hands. Byrne leads him over to Richie, and Richie and Alan shake hands.]

Byrne: Here we go, how you doin’, this is Alan right here. Alan, meet Ritchie, right here, your next employer.

Richie: [dubiously] How you doin’, man.

Alan: [with a huge grin and a nasal voice] Hello, I’d just like to say, it’s gonna be a great pleasure appearing on a Miss Black Teenage America program.

Richie: This guy is a dork. He ain’t nothin’ like Stevie Wonder!

Byrne: No, no, no! That’s because he’s here! But on stage, with the music, the lights, the whole kit and kaboodle, he becomes Stevie Wonder! It’s true!

Richie: I’m not interested.

Byrne: It’s true!

Richie: I’m not interested.

Alan: [to Joe] Listen, I get the feeling that he doesn’t want me on his show. [grins widely]

Byrne: No, no, no. Alan, Alan, please, please, Alan, it’s a definite do-able! Make, make your magic, sing for the man! Sing for the man a little bit.

[Stevie Wonder plays a brief chord on the keyboard and grins.]

Alan: Here’s one of my favorites. People say I sound just like Stevie, with one exception: you can understand every single word!

[Stevie starts playing the chords to “Superstitious,” then sings in a harsh, nasal voice. Joe bobs his head back and forth and smiles.]

Alan: “Very supersitious, writing’s on the wall… VERY SUPERSTITIOUS!!! Letters start to fall…”

Richie: Alan! It sucks, man.

Byrne: [sheepish] It’s true, Alan, it does suck. Uh, do the good one.

[Stevie looks hurt and struggles to maintain his composure.]

Alan: Okay. Here’s another one. [clears through loudly]

[In exactly the same manner, he starts bellowing out “Living for the City.” He sings the first entire verse out of rhythm while Joe again bobs his head back and forth and smiles.]

Richie: That’s the worst Stevie Wonder impression I’ve ever seen in my life.

Alan: [grinning] What’s the matter with it?

[The crowd roars with laughter as Stevie grins at Eddie, who breaks down and laughs helplessly for several seconds along with the audience.]

Alan: I can funk! I can funk! I can funk…

Richie: Yeah, yeah, but this, what’s you’re doing is ridiculous. It’s nothing like, I know Stevie Wonder, man, and he’s like, you have to mellow out, you see, you’re too tense. Loosen up. You have to see me do a Stevie Wonder impression…

[Eddie Murphy takes a pair of sunglasses out of his breast pocket. Crowd roars as Eddie puts them on.]

Richie: You gotta smile a lot, like this, you see, you gotta smile. [grins]

Alan: [grins with his mouth wide open] You mean like this?

Richie: No.

Alan: Like this?

Richie: Yeah, but you ain’t really got it yet. Then you gotta move your neck around. Stevie moves his neck around. Move your neck like somebody’s chokin’ ya, like this. Like that, see.

[Stevie puts his hands gently around Eddie’s neck as Eddie moves it back and forth a la Stevie.]

Alan: [grinning] If you don’t like my show, I’m gonna choke you.

[Stevie moves his head back and forth stiffly.]

Alan: Is this how he does it, like this?

Richie: Kinda.

Alan: Like that?

Richie: You gotta loosen up, you gotta move you hands, like this. See? Listen to me. Watch this.

Alan: Okay.

Richie: [clapping and singing like Stevie Wonder] “My Cherie Amour, lovely as a summer day…”

Alan: [nasal-voiced] “My Cherie Amour…”

Richie: No, no, no, better, with more feeling.

Alan: Oh.

[Stevie grunts as he tries too hard to sing like Stevie]

Alan: [nasal-voiced] “My Cherie Amour…”

Richie: You don’t even know the words!

Alan: “Lovely as a summer day!”

Richie: No, listen to me, listen, listen. [clapping and singing like Stevie Wonder] “My Cherie Amour, distant as the Milky Way…”

[The crowd roars, and then Stevie starts singing the song for real. He claps and sings the rest of the first verse beautifully, and the crowd claps along and roars even louder. Everyone smiles, and Joe pats Stevie on the shoulder. Finally, Eddie takes off his glasses and shakes his head.]

Richie: It still sucks, man.

Byrne: No, no, no! Richie, that was Stevie Wonder! I was standing here! He became Stevie Wonder! Look, I’m not married to this guy! I’ve got another fellow, you would swear he is Smokey Robinson!

Richie: I’m not interested.

Byrne: It’s true! It’s true!

Stevie: I do a great Anita Bryant!

Byrne: No, no, no, no, no. John Davidson, big with the black audience!

Alan: [jumping up and down like a girl] Oh, I can do, I can do John Davidson!

[Zoom out to show entire studio.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Stevie Wonder: 05/07/83: Kannon AE-1



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 19




82s: Stevie Wonder

Kannon AE-1

…..Stevie Wonder
John Newcombe…..Joe Piscopo

Announcer: The Kannon AE-1. So advanced, so simple, even Stevie Wonder can use it. [ shows Stevie feeling around before picking up camera ] Watch as Stevie photographs top tennis star John Newcombe.

[ Stevie takes some pictures – one of John’s right shoulder, of John slanted, one with John completely out of the picture, and one of the right side of John’s head. John goes up to Stevie, and Stevie takes two more pictures: an out-of-focus shot of John’s head, and one of John’s arm. ]

Stevie Wonder: [ hands camera to John ] Here, John, you try!

[ John takes four pictures of Stevie on the court, each one with Stevietrying unsuccessfully to hit the ball with a tennis racket ] [ last scene shows John and Stevie taking pictures together ]

Announcer: The Kannon AE-1.

Stevie Wonder: [ putting his hand on the lens of John’s camera ] So simple, anyone can use it!

[ Stevie laughs, as scene fades out ]

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ed Koch: 05/14/83



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 20


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 14th, 1983

Ed Koch

Kevin Rowland & Dexy’s Midnight Runners

Harry Anderson

Don King

Leslie Anderson

Marv Albert
Montage

Ed Koch’s MonologueAlso Hosted: 83s.

What’s the most disgusting thing you’ve seen in New York?

Mister Robinson’s NeighborhoodRecurring Characters: Mister Robinson.

On The LedgeRecurring Characters: Frank Sinatra.

Dexy’s Midnight Runners performs “Come On, Eileen”

The EnquirerRecurring Characters: Alfalfa.

Note: Repeat from: 04/09/83.

Bald No More

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Patti Lynn Hunnsacker, Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer.

The WhinersRecurring Characters: Wendy Whiner, Doug Whiner.

Harry AndersonRecurring Characters: Solomon, Pudge.

Late Night with David LettermanRecurring Characters: David Letterman, Paul Shaffer, Gumby.

Dexy’s Midnight Runners performs “The Celtic Soul Brothers”

Women’s Auxillary Meeting

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas: 01/29/83: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 11



82k: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas / The Bus Boys

Goodnights

…..Rick Moranis
…..Dave Thomas

Rick Moranis: Thank you very much.

Dave Thomas: Well —

Rick Moranis: Thank you, Dick Ebersol. Thank you, everybody here.

Dave Thomas: Thanks a lot!

Rick Moranis: It was a great week, we had a great time, thanks so much!

[ zoom out as the cast waves goodnight underneath the credits ]

Don Pardo V/O: Join us next week on “Saturday Night Live”, with musical guest Joe Cocker! Our host will be the legendary Sid Caesar! I wonder if Sid remembers that I, Don Pardo, was the announcer on “Your Show of Shows” in 1953 – or was it 1952? Or was it Milton Berle? In any case, it was my favorte year! This is Don Pardo saying: “Good night.”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Joan Rivers: 04/09/83: Club Doolittle



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 17


82q: Joan Rivers / Musical Youth

Club Doolittle

E. Eppy Doolittle…..Eddie Murphy
Janine Dafur…..Robin Duke
Guy in bed…..Joe Piscopo

[Opens with a smoky nightclub, some notes from a keyboard are playing. People at the tables. The owner is E.Eppy Doolitle. He talks slow and comes up from behind the bar. He has his fly open and his shirt pokes through it]

E. Eppy Doolittle: Hello, friends. I’m E. Eppy Doolittle and I want to invite you all to come to my beautiful Club Doolittle. Located at 7094 Jericho turnpike [Caption: Club Doolittle open 7 nights a week] at the beautiful cellar of the First National Bank Building. At Club Doolittle, you will enjoy all our culinary arts of our chef, Mr. E. Clinton Smith. [a black guy with a chef hat appears holding a burnt chicken on a plate] Who will prepare our specialty of Mason Doolittle, our very own, Char Chicken Jerky. Yum-yum. Come to the Cafe Doolittle [picture of two girls on a slide] where on Thursday nights there are two, two, two girls for every guy. Come one and all. This is Eppy talking. I will not steer you wrong. Come one and all on Tuesday nights at Club Doolittle. All you healthy guys will want to come on down and take a gander [Caption: No socks required at Club Doolittle] at Janine Dafur on the Casio Tone Keyboards.

[Janine looks like a beat up working gal, she plays the keyboards with a cigarette dangling from her lip. Eppy lifts the tip glass]

E.Eppy Doolittle: Tip but do not touch. She’s a beautiful girl, guys. So please, this is Eppy talking to you, I mean this, do not hurt her. She will play all your favorites if you treat her right. So come on down to Club Doolittle!

[Eppy points, Janine points half-hearted. Eppy goes to a table]

E.Eppy Doolittle: At Club Doolittle we also deliver to our special costumers free pastry for breakfast for no extra charge. [Eppy grabs a pastry from a table] Yummy-yum.

[He goes into a room and there’s a guy in bed in his underwear with two half naked girls] [Caption: Wednesday night is bimbo night]

E.Eppy Doolittle: See what I mean about two, two, two girls for every guy? This guy picked up these two blond bombshells here at Club Doolittle. [Caption: Call Ep 1-8000] [The girls smear frosting on the nose of the guy in bed. Piscopo grabs some frosting and smears Eddie’s face with frosting, Piscopo cracks up]

E.Eppy Doolittle: [continues] Need I say more? So come on down, I’m talking reservations. Me, E. Eppy Doolittle. Excuse me.

[Piscopo grabs Eddie’s hand, Eddie pulls away and walks out the room. Telephone rings]

E.Eppy Doolittle: Oh, the telephone. Hello, Phil. Its Phil Silvers, ladies and gentlemen. When did you get into town? Oh, I can’t tonight, Phil. There’s not a table in the house. Its a madhouse. Call me on Thursday when there’s two, two, two girls for every guy. Boy, you don’t have to take that attitude. What did you expect? You should’ve booked in advance. [hangs up] That was Phil Silvers. We go back a long way. But there isn’t a table in the house, ladies and gentlemen. The place is packed. So come on down to Club Doolittle.

[Cake is thrown at him]

E.Eppy Doolittle: Charter a bus, grab a cab, hop on a bombshell. Get in anywhere you can.

[More cake and crap fly over his head]

E.Eppy Doolittle: The Club—

[more cake hits him, Eddie is cracking up and dodging stuff thrown at him]

E.Eppy Doolittle: Cut, cut. The Club Doolittle– [still of a couple getting cash from an ATM, Eddie can’t even talk] located at 7094 at the Jericho turnpike at the First National Bank Building which features a 24-hour cash machine, so get your cash, we don’t take credit cards at the Club Doolittle.

[More cake hits Eddie, Eddie throws cake back and he breaks character completely]

E.Eppy Doolittle: THIS IS LIVE TELEVISION!! [everyone is cracking up including Eddie] This show is live!! So, come on down to the Club Doolittle! There’s freelance limbo dancing and on Saturday nude women get in free. [more cake flies by, telephone rings] Hello, Bill. It’s Bill Bixby ladies and gentlemen. [Eddie ducks out of camera dodging more cake] Its a madhouse! Well, you should’ve booked in advance. This is E. Eppy Doolittle talking. [Eddie looks at someone off camera and opens his mouth for a treat. The treat is thrown and it bounces off Eddie’s face] It’s a madhouse! Well, you should’ve booked in advance. [hangs up] This is E.Eppy Doolittle.

[Someone throws a towel at Eddie, Eddie grabs it and runs out supposedly after Joe Piscopo] [Cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas: 01/29/83: Guy Talk



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 11




Search Now: In Association with Amazon.com


82k: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas / The Bus Boys

Guy Talk

Lenny Ciccilone…..Joe Piscopo
Liberace…..Dave Thomas
Michael Jackson…..Eddie Murphy

[FADE IN on the “GUY TALK” logo as jazz music plays in the background. FADE to Lenny wearing a blue biker jacket.]

Lenny: Hey, how are ya? I’m Lenny Ciccilone over here. Welcome to “Guy Talk.” This is the only show on cable TV where guys can be GUYS, all riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Tonight we got two guys here: Liberace and Michael Jackson, huh?

[ZOOM OUT to show Liberace on the left and Michael on the right. Both guys are wearing similar white sequined shirts. Audience howls with laughter as Liberace offers a finger wave.]

Lenny: [to Liberace] HEY, hey, Lee, hey, Lee, you ever PUT it to Ann-Margaret, huh? Hey, all right…

Liberace: Well, Len, she’s not really my kind of girl.

Lenny: Yeah, yeah, huh? Well, what kind of “Lee” does Liberace–what kind of woman does, uh, Liberace like?

Liberace: Well, I like them plump and blonde. And with a good set of watermelons. [grins]

Lenny: Hey, I know what you mean, Lee, all right. Hey, you’re in Vegas all the time with those showgirls, huh, talk about BAZOOMS over there, huh? [indicates breasts] Hey, hey, Lee, did you ever go “brumsky”? Brrrrrrrrrrr… [shakes head and flaps his lips] “Brumsky,” huh, huh?

Liberace: Well, no… but I like to have the ladies sit upon my piano and, uh, work the pedals while I dazzle them with the finger work. [wiggles fingers and grins]

Lenny: WHOOO! All right, way ta go, that’s what we’re talkin’ about here. Now Michael, Michael, look–I understand, understand here that Diana Ross discovered you. Hey, hey, you ever discover her, huh? [sticks out his hand and twists it]

Michael Jackson: [in falsetto] Let’s just say than when Diana and I… [audience squeals with laughter] …did “The Wiz,” that I took her over the rainbow lots of times myself.

Lenny: All right, I hear ya. [snickers] I hear ya.

Michael Jackson: You know, Ciccilone, I like a girl that’s really into rough stuff, you know?

Lenny: Yeah, yeah, I know–like Lee, hey, y’know, a macho guy like you, ya find that that macho image, that scares the chicks off, does it, huh?

Liberace: Well, I think that the only thing a woman is scared of, is that she’s not going to get enough–and believe me, Lee always leaves them satisfied.

[laughter]

Michael Jackson: Marvelous!

Lenny: Hey, uh, Lee, you railed a lotta broads. You ever leave ’em a little PRESENT, y’know what I’m talkin’ about, there? [indicates pregnant stomach]

Liberace: Oh, ha ha ha ha. Well, let’s just say there are a lot of kids all over the country with surprising musical ability.

Lenny: Hey, I’m gonna ask you both this. I’m a regular guy, right? So, say I wanna like, y’know hit on a woman, there. What do I gotta say to allow her — so I can jump her bones, eh? What do I gotta say?

Michael Jackson: You know, it’s funny you use that expression “jump her bones.” You know, that’s exactly what I say to a girl when I wanna get to know her. I walk up to her and I say, “Hey, baby, I’ve got to jump your bones.” Nine of the times, I get my face slapped, but that tenth one: it’s magic. It’s wonderful.

[laughter]

Liberace: [nodding] Yes.

Lenny: Well, Lee, Lee, what kind of bouillon do YOU peddle over there?

Liberace: Well… I think APPEARANCE is very important. I — I like to dress nice – that turns a woman on. Then I show her my house. [ snickers ] The next think you know, the panties are hanging on the candelabra, and she’s screaming, “Lee, Lee, oh God, you’re good!” [ snickers, then laughs loudly ]

Lenny: Then you move, you move outta there, right?

Liberace: Absolutely.

Lenny: Yeah.

Michael Jackson: That’s the only way to go: “Slam, bam, thank you ma’am!” [laughs]

Lenny: All right, all right. Hey, y’know, that’s all the time we got here for tonight. But join us next week for “Guy Talk” when we’ll be talking to Quentin Crisp and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Take care!

[Lenny pumps his fist as Liberace and Michael reach across to shake hands. FADE to “GUY TALK” logo, then FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Susan Saint James: 04/16/83



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 18


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 16th, 1983

Susan Saint James

Michael McDonald

Steven Wright

None
The Exercises of LoveRecurring Characters: Velvet Jones.

Montage

Susan Saint James’ Monologue

Sit On It!

Tootsie Cosmetics

TexxonNote: Repeat from 02/26/83.

The Hidden Paradise

Michael McDonald performs “If That’s What It Takes”

Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

Our GenerationTranscript

Steven Wright Stand-Up

Takin’ Care Of Business

Reagan and Deng XiaopingRecurring Characters: Ronald Reagan.

Eddie Murphy Kills Time

Michael McDonald performs “I Can’t Let Go Now”

Magic Fish NegotiationsSummary: Susan St. James reads her son a bedtime story about a peasant (Eddie Murphy) who catches a magic fish (Mary Gross) and hires lawyers (Tim Kazurinsky, Brad Hall) to protect his interests.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas: 01/29/83: Bob Hope’s Superbowl Party



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 11



Search Now: In Association with Amazon.com


82k: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas / The Bus Boys

Bob Hope’s Superbowl Party

Bob Hope…..Dave Thomas
Woody Allen…..Rick Moranis
Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on low angle shot of a putter hitting a golf ball across a carpeted floor. Pan up to reveal a tuxedo-clad Bob Hope clutching the putter, as he sings “Thanks For the Memories.” ] [ the doorbell rings. Bob glances toward the audience in mock surprise, then walks across the room to answer the door. ] [ a nervous, nebbishly-dressed Woody Allen enters the room ]

Bob Hope: Hi, Woody! Come on in!

Woody Allen: Boy, uh.. I’m not dressed or anything! I didn’t expect a Superbowl party to be black tie!

Bob Hope: No, no, no. I’m not dressed like this because of the Superbowl – I always wear a tuxedo in my Awards Room.

Woody Allen: Geez.. it’s a lot of awards. [ looks around the room, notices a huge safe dor embedded into the wall ] Wait a second! What’s this over here – a branch for California Federal?!

Bob Hope: Get away from that! That’s my joke vault!

[ Woody steps towards the audience, breaking the fourth wall ]

Woody Allen: I know what you’re thinking. What am I doing here? This is just a cheap excuse to throw some impressions together in a – a lame television sketch. You talk about cheap – I mean, the man’s got a prop vault in his living room!

Bob Hope: [ enters frame ] Hey, what are you doing, talking to the camera? Two can play that game! [ addresses the audience ] Hi, ladies and gentlemen, this is Bob Hope! Welcome to my home in Palm Springs. [ chuckles ] [ the doorbell rings ]

Bob Hope: I’ll get it.

[ Bob answers the door to Frank Sinatra ]

Bob Hope: Frank!

Frank Sinatra: Robert. How are you? [ they embrace ] You know, Hope – Hope, you look terrific. [ Bob chuckles ] For an old man.

Bob Hope: Hey, take it easy. [ pats Frank’s hair ] You’ve got more plugs here than AT&T!

Frank Sinatra: I understand that you haven’t been working too much lately, Robert. I’ll see what I can do about starting a war.

Bob Hope: Yeah, well, I guess now that Maya Lansky’s gone, the world’s your clam, huh, Frank?

[ Woody Allen, left standing off to the side, turns again to address the audience ]

Woody Allen: Great. Maya Lansky jokes. I’m here with the Mob, and I’m the only Jew in the room! They’re probably gonna make me keep the books! What am I doing here? What could I possibly have in common with Frank Sinatra?!

[ Bob and Frank step up to stand behind Woody’s shoulders ]

Bob Hope: How ’bout Mia Farrow?

Frank Sinatra: [ pats Woody’s back ] How does it feel to have seconds?

Bob Hope: Hey – don’t you mean third? Wasn’t she done in by the Devil? [ chuckles ]

Woody Allen: Lay off, willya, fellas? Does somebody wanna turn on the Superbowl or something? I mean, that’s why we’re here, isn’t it?

Frank Sinatra: Sit.

Woody Allen: You want me to sit?

Frank Sinatra: Sit!

Woody Allen: I’ll sit! [ scrambles to sit on the couch ]

Bob Hope: Gee – that’s what I call the Wood House Method! [ chuckles ]

Frank Sinatra: Did you tell him yet?

Bob Hope: Uh – no. I-I forgot, Frank. I-I’ll tell him right now. [ sits next to Woody ] Uh – Woody. [ pauses, chickens out ] Frank’s got something to tell you!

Frank Sinatra: You know, Wood Man. As a, uh, young type modern liberal hip cat, we thought it would be groovy if you helped The Man do four more. Capiche?

[ Woody appears confused ]

Bob Hope: Well, let me translate for my partner, Tonto, here. He wants you to help us keep Ronnie Reagan in the White House in ’84.

Woody Allen: Wait a second, fellas, you’re barking up the wrong tree. I keep right out of politics now! Besides, what’s the hurry? The election’s two years away!

Bob Hope: Gee, well, with my schedule, I like to book in advance, you know?

Frank Sinatra: Alright, alright, alright. Look – this is the plan. See, me and Hope, we cover one segment of the voters, and you cover the other segment. You know, like the faggots and the, uh.. the Commies, the liberals, and that sort of thing. Now, if you could get that scum vote on Ronnie’s side, we’d appreciate it very much.

Woody Allen: [ shakes his head, distraught ] No problem, absolutely, you got me. As a matter of fact, give me the phone right now, I’ve got my faggot phone book with me, I can get the whole scum boat on our side right away!

Bob Hope: Gee, that’s great! It worked, Frank!

Frank Sinatra: Marvelous. Let’s watch the game. I wonder who’s winning – the Phins or the Skins?

Woody Allen: Listen, fellas, I was kidding! I don’t know if I can help you with the Reagan thing! Come on! I mean – I mean, I get hives around horses and conservatives!

[ Frank turns the Superbowl on, watches intensely for a few seconds, then grabs the phone off the wall and dials ]

Frank Sinatra: Yeah. Pasadena, please. Get me the Miami sideline.

Bob Hope: Hey. Wait a minute. Is that long-distance?

[ Frank hands Bob a wad of bills ]

Bob Hope: A hundred bucks?! Yuo have three minutes, sir!

Woody Allen: [ speaks incredulously to the audience ] The man is calling the Superbowl.

Frank Sinatra: Alright, look – tell Don Schuler that Frank says the Redskins are gonna win this game. Yeah, I thought it would be nice if you guys fumbled the punt three times. Thank you so much.

[ the camera zooms in on the game on the TV screen, as the Miami Dolphins fumble the punt three tmes ] [ Frank turns the TV off, as an amazed Woody jumps to his feet ]

Woody Allen: He can call Don Schumer and order a-a fumble like that?! [ snaps his fingers ]

Bob Hope: Listen – if he can get his kids singing gigs, he can do anything!

Frank Sinatra: Alright, alright, look – Pee-Wee, Pee-Wee, you gonna help us with this, uh, Reagan campaign thing or what?

Woody Allen: Well, actually, it’s against my political beliefs, guys.

[ Bob growls and barks at Woody, as Frank simply gives him the evil eye ]

Woody Allen: But, on the other hand, I prefer not to become part of a highway!

Frank Sinatra: Great, great. Good, good. You can direct the camapign commercials.

Bob Hope: Yeah. But make ’em funny, not like your last couple of movies.

Frank Sinatra: Yeah, yeah, here we go. Okay, here we go. Me and Robert worked this little thing out. Hit that – hit that thing over there.

Bob Hope: Oh, yeah. Okay. [ hits a stereo button ] Les?

[ the theme to “Love and Marriage” plays, as Frank and Bob move about the room ]

Frank & Bob,: [ singing ]“Ron and Nancy
Ron and Nancy
They go together like a horse and carriage –“

[ the camera zooms in on Woody, as he once more addresses the audience ]

Woody Allen: I was right – it was just a cheap excuse to throw some lame impressions together. Somebody really should put a stop to this. As much as I hate to do this, I find it kind of embarrassing, but – “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts