Announcer: The Kannon AE-1. So advanced, so simple, even Stevie Wonder can use it. [ shows Stevie feeling around before picking up camera ] Watch as Stevie photographs top tennis star John Newcombe.
[ Stevie takes some pictures – one of John’s right shoulder, of John slanted, one with John completely out of the picture, and one of the right side of John’s head. John goes up to Stevie, and Stevie takes two more pictures: an out-of-focus shot of John’s head, and one of John’s arm. ]
Stevie Wonder: [ hands camera to John ] Here, John, you try!
[ John takes four pictures of Stevie on the court, each one with Stevietrying unsuccessfully to hit the ball with a tennis racket ]
[ last scene shows John and Stevie taking pictures together ]
Announcer: The Kannon AE-1.
Stevie Wonder: [ putting his hand on the lens of John’s camera ] So simple, anyone can use it!
[FADE IN on Eddie Murphy as a show-biz agent sitting at a desk and talking on the telephone.]
Richie: Look, Im talking about more this year, Im talking about pride, all right? Im talking about the Miss Black Teenage America Contest. [pauses] Well, its gonna be a quality show, man, Don Cornelius is hosting! [pauses] Listen to who we got to be the judges: Ike Turner, Eartha Kitt, Willie Tyler and Lester… [pauses] You know, the dude with the puppet! [pauses] Look, all this show needs now is the incredible musical talents of Wilson Pickett, and- [pauses] What you mean, Wilson Pickett is busy? This is a quality job! [pauses] Well, at least tell the wicked Pickett to think about it, all right? [pauses] Do that for me, okay?
[knocking at the door]
Richie: All right. Someones at my door, I gotta call you back. [puts down phone] Uh, come in!
[Joe Piscopo enters, dressed in a suit and wearing a nerdy pair of dark-rimmed glasses. He talks in a nasal voice.]
Byrne: Richie, how are ya?
Byrne: The wife?
Byrne: Oh, good, good! Good to see ya. Hey, hey, guy robs a bank, right? Wants to go into hiding. He signs with the William Morris Agency–hes never heard from again! Its true! Its true!
Richie: Whod you get for me, Byrne?
Byrne: Who did I get for you? Did I get you Willie Tyler?
Byrne: Did I get you Lester?
Byrne: I got you a singer.
Byrne: Think biggest black singer alive.
Richie: You got Michael Jackson, man?
Byrne: No, no, no.
Richie: Marvin Gaye?
Byrne: Think blind.
Richie: You got Ray Charles?!
Byrne: Think braids.
Richie: STEVIE WONDER!!
Byrne: No, no, no!
Richie: You got me Stevie Wonder? Man, you really outdid yourself this time!
Byrne: No, no, no, I got you someone even better!
Richie: Better than Stevie Wonder?
Byrne: [grinning] Alan, the Stevie Wonder Experience! Its wonderful! The kid tours the country in a show called Stevemania! Its a big hit with the college kids!
Richie: I dont want a Steve Wonder imitation.
Byrne: No, no, no, hes better than Stevie! I wanna introduce him to you. [calls through door] Alan!
Alan’s Voice: [offscreen] Yeah?
Byrne: Alan, come here. I want you meet Richie over here.
[Stevie Wonder walks in as Alan, with a portable keyboard in his hands. Byrne leads him over to Richie, and Richie and Alan shake hands.]
Byrne: Here we go, how you doin’, this is Alan right here. Alan, meet Ritchie, right here, your next employer.
Richie: [dubiously] How you doin’, man.
Alan: [with a huge grin and a nasal voice] Hello, Id just like to say, its gonna be a great pleasure appearing on a Miss Black Teenage America program.
Richie: This guy is a dork. He aint nothin like Stevie Wonder!
Byrne: No, no, no! Thats because hes here! But on stage, with the music, the lights, the whole kit and kaboodle, he becomes Stevie Wonder! Its true!
Richie: Im not interested.
Byrne: Its true!
Richie: Im not interested.
Alan: [to Joe] Listen, I get the feeling that he doesnt want me on his show. [grins widely]
Byrne: No, no, no. Alan, Alan, please, please, Alan, its a definite do-able! Make, make your magic, sing for the man! Sing for the man a little bit.
[Stevie Wonder plays a brief chord on the keyboard and grins.]
Alan: Heres one of my favorites. People say I sound just like Stevie, with one exception: you can understand every single word!
[Stevie starts playing the chords to Superstitious, then sings in a harsh, nasal voice. Joe bobs his head back and forth and smiles.]
Alan: Very supersitious, writings on the wall… VERY SUPERSTITIOUS!!! Letters start to fall…
Richie: Alan! It sucks, man.
Byrne: [sheepish] Its true, Alan, it does suck. Uh, do the good one.
[Stevie looks hurt and struggles to maintain his composure.]
Alan: Okay. Heres another one. [clears through loudly]
[In exactly the same manner, he starts bellowing out Living for the City. He sings the first entire verse out of rhythm while Joe again bobs his head back and forth and smiles.]
Richie: Thats the worst Stevie Wonder impression Ive ever seen in my life.
Alan: [grinning] Whats the matter with it?
[The crowd roars with laughter as Stevie grins at Eddie, who breaks down and laughs helplessly for several seconds along with the audience.]
Alan: I can funk! I can funk! I can funk…
Richie: Yeah, yeah, but this, whats youre doing is ridiculous. Its nothing like, I know Stevie Wonder, man, and hes like, you have to mellow out, you see, youre too tense. Loosen up. You have to see me do a Stevie Wonder impression…
[Eddie Murphy takes a pair of sunglasses out of his breast pocket. Crowd roars as Eddie puts them on.]
Richie: You gotta smile a lot, like this, you see, you gotta smile. [grins]
Alan: [grins with his mouth wide open] You mean like this?
Alan: Like this?
Richie: Yeah, but you aint really got it yet. Then you gotta move your neck around. Stevie moves his neck around. Move your neck like somebodys chokin ya, like this. Like that, see.
[Stevie puts his hands gently around Eddies neck as Eddie moves it back and forth a la Stevie.]
Alan: [grinning] If you dont like my show, Im gonna choke you.
[Stevie moves his head back and forth stiffly.]
Alan: Is this how he does it, like this?
Alan: Like that?
Richie: You gotta loosen up, you gotta move you hands, like this. See? Listen to me. Watch this.
Richie: [clapping and singing like Stevie Wonder] My Cherie Amour, lovely as a summer day…
Alan: [nasal-voiced] My Cherie Amour…
Richie: No, no, no, better, with more feeling.
[Stevie grunts as he tries too hard to sing like Stevie]
Alan: [nasal-voiced] My Cherie Amour…
Richie: You dont even know the words!
Alan: Lovely as a summer day!
Richie: No, listen to me, listen, listen. [clapping and singing like Stevie Wonder] My Cherie Amour, distant as the Milky Way…
[The crowd roars, and then Stevie starts singing the song for real. He claps and sings the rest of the first verse beautifully, and the crowd claps along and roars even louder. Everyone smiles, and Joe pats Stevie on the shoulder. Finally, Eddie takes off his glasses and shakes his head.]
Richie: It still sucks, man.
Byrne: No, no, no! Richie, that was Stevie Wonder! I was standing here! He became Stevie Wonder! Look, Im not married to this guy! Ive got another fellow, you would swear he is Smokey Robinson!
Richie: Im not interested.
Byrne: Its true! Its true!
Stevie: I do a great Anita Bryant!
Byrne: No, no, no, no, no. John Davidson, big with the black audience!
Alan: [jumping up and down like a girl] Oh, I can do, I can do John Davidson!
Mommy…..Susan St. James Numpkin…..Eddie Murphy Fish…..Mary Gross Mike Rudell…..Tim Kazurinsky Burt…..Brad Hall
[Mommy holds a baby. Lullaby music plays in the background.]
Mommy: Okay, Charlie! Mommy’s gonna read you a little fairy tale! [opens book] Let’s see, where’s a really good one… Here’s one.Once upon a time, there lived a poor peasant named Numpkin, and one day poor Numpkin’s wife sent him down to the sea to catch a fish for their dinner, because they were so very, very hungry…
[Wipe to Numpkin with a fishing pole approaching a dock by the sea.]
Numpkin: Oh, I hope I catch a fish, otherwise my wife Bubbles will hit me with a spoon!
[Numpkin casts his line from the dock.]
Numpkin: Ooo, a nibble!
[Numpkin catches a fish.]
Numpkin: What an enormous fish! Such a fish could feed an entire village! Or give Bubbles a little snack…
[Fish spits water at Numpkin.]
Numpkin: You’re a nasty fish, ain’t ya!
Fish: Please good sir, do not eat me, I am a magical fish!
Numpkin: Zeus, it speaks!
Fish: Spare me, and I will give you three wishes!
Numpkin: Three wishes…
[Numpkin sits on the dock next to the fish.]
Fish: Yes, anything you desire in all the world can be yours! Interested?
Numpkin: Goodness, yes! I want a gold coach with a racing stripe with leopard interior and six black horses with… wait a minute, there’s a catch here, right? The same thing happened to my friend Potemkin, and I remember he was a woodcutter and he met this magical bush and the bush said he could have all these wishes and he wished for this giant goat, and the goat was a hundred feet high and it ate all his crops, then it dropped a big one on his wife! What you’re trying to do is teach me some lesson about greed, isn’t it?
Fish: No, no, oh please!
Numpkin: Alright fish, but you wait here for a second alright.
[Numpkin runs off.]
Fish: Strange peasant he that hesitates to accept my bounty. Perhaps I’ve overwhelmed the poor gentle soul with my generosity.
[Numpkin returns with Mike Rodell.]
Numpkin: Hey fish, this is my attorney Mike Rodell. He’s gonna be negotiating these wishes for me.
Fish: Say what?
Numpkin: You heard what I said. I ain’t no fool, I’m gonna cover my behind legally on this thing right here. Alright.
Mike Rudell: Alright then, let’s handle some of these contractual parameters here, OK. Regarding these proferred wishes: can my client opt to utilize one or more of these wishes to wish for more wishes?
Fish: Uh, no, not really…
Mike Rudell: Well, let’s get that in writing then, eh?
Numpkin: I want a cow!
Mike Rudell: Let me handle this, Numpkin. Suppose my client does wish for a cow. Could you legally, then, give him a cow that gives sour milk, or does the term “cow” prima facie denote a healthy bovine in all…
[Wipe to Mommy.]
Mommy: And they negotiated and they negotiated for weeks and weeks, until they had the most mutually acceptable contract in all the land. Finally, the great day came when Numpkin the peasant, hereafter referred to as the party of the first part, and the magical fish, hereafter referred to as the party of the second part, and Numpkin’s attorneys, Michael Rudell of the firm Flang, Rudell, and LeBuff, gathered together to sign their fine document.
[Wipe to the dock.]
Mike Rudell: Okay, I think we’ve got it here… let’s just look at the main clauses one more time, okay… pursuant to the three wishes, blah blah blah blah blah, okay, wish number one…
Numpkin: Look man, I just want my damn cow, alright!
Mike Rudell: Just sit tight, Numpkin, huh. The party of the second part agrees to supply the party of the first part with one Guernsey heifer guaranteed to be the largest in all the land, but not so large as to be physically unwieldy.
Numpkin: And I want the sucker to give more milk than any other cow in the land.
Burt: Now, now, now, just a minute Numpkin! Now with that wording, Mike, correct me if I’m wrong, the cow could theoretically produce so much milk so as to float the entire village away and flood his hut.
Mike Rudell: Good point, Burt. We want a clause limiting the milk to a reasonable quantity.
Burt: Good move.
Fish: Fine! Damn!
Mike Rudell: To continue: wish number two. The party of the first part wishes to meet the king’s daughter. The above mentioned daughter at this time will be dressed in a leather corset revealing not less than 90% of the total area of her virginal pink flesh.
Numpkin: Don’t forget the boots and the chain drawers!
Mike Rudell: Yeah, you got it right away. Furthermore, the wife of the party of the first part, hereafter referred to as “Bubbles”, will not as a consequence of this wish hit the party of the first part with a spoon or any other kitchen implement.
Numpkin: Yeah, that bitch is crazy!
Mike Rudell: Well then, let’s just sign this, shall we?
Fish: Wait a minute, what’s the third wish?
Numpkin: Oh, the third wish is that you pay my lawyer, cause this dude is milking me dry.
Mike Rudell: Uh, that is correct. My fee is four wishes.
Fish: Four wishes! But I only gave him three, and he hauled me out of the sea!
Mike Rudell: You’ll pay me four, sister, or I’ll haul you to an appellate court, put the cow in escrow, and sell you to Mrs. Paul, alright?
Burt: Great move, Mike!
Mike Rudell: Thank you Numpkin…
Fish: I accept! I accept!
[Wipe to Mommy.]
Mommy: And the moral of the story is, it doesn’t pay to be greedy without competent legal … uh… representation. THE END, Charlie.
[ open on title superimposed over stained glass windows, as organ music plays ]
Announcer: Welcome to “Five Minutes to Reflect.”
[ zoom out, then down to reveal the rabbi Morton Karloff flipping through his prayer text ]
Announcer: Tonight’s guest speaker is the rabbi Morton Karloff, of Temple Beth Myerson.
Rabbi Morton Karloff: Good evening. You know, many people have asked me the question: “Rabbi, tell me what is the origin of the Five Books of Moses.” Well. I myself have — [ removes his glasses, which separates his side curls from the rest of his hair ] — shrugged my shoulders many times at the thought. Why not four books, or – or six books, or – or ten books? [ replaces his glasses and side curls ] Well.. the simple fact is that the Five Books of moses were just to be the first five books in a projected series that was going to be issued monthly, under the tile “The Testement of the month Club.” Now, as you all know, according to the Jewish calendar, this is the year 5743, which means that, had we been publishing one book per month, right now we’d be up to Volume 68,708.
But what were th other books to have been written about? Well, basically, home repair. Volume 6 through 29 were tentatively titled “Hebraic Household Hints.” The sixth volume, for example, was to be devoted entirely to drywall. Volume 7 through 10 were on small appliance repair, plumbling, and heating. And Volume 11 was on vertical and, uh.. vertical blind and track lighting installation, I believe.
Now, these books never appeared,which explains why, to this day, the Jewish people are not very handy. But was the entire rest of the Bible to have consisted only of handyman’s tips? Well, hardly. no, there were a great many more subjects that were to have been covered. Military tactics, uh.. the correct way of cooking meat, so it isn’t dry and tasteless. And how to decorate a suburban living room like a Hawaiian hotel lobby. One book alone – “Sex Hints for the Teenaged Daughter” – might have changed the entire course of history, had it been issued as was planned in 1726.
But the most frequently-asked question is: “On Rasheed’s philosophy of skylight leaks, what was the –“
[ the organ music pots up ]
Rabbi Morton Karloff: What is the music coming in for now? That’s too early, I had five minutes to reflect. [ looks at his watch ] That’s, uh – that’s four minutes and ten seconds, I’ve been keeping time. No, you’re not cutting now – I have five minutes to reflect! No! He said five minutes on me, not four minutes on me!
[ the camera pans upward to the stained glass window ]
Rabbi Morton Karloff: Now he’s moving up! Why is he moving up?! What is he – he’s going to the window again! It’s not – what is this, a window commercial? Come back here! Hey!
[ Rabbi morton Karloff waves his hand as the camera rises past him and holds on the stained glass window ]
Rabbi Morton Karloff V/O: Hey, this isn’t “Four Minutes to Reflect!!” Hey, come here!
[ Rabbi Morton Karloff stands up his pulpit so he can reappear in the frame ]
Rabbi Morton Karloff: What is this, “Four Minutes to Reflect and a One-Minute Window Commercial?!” The Episcopalian yesterday got the whole thing!!
Announcer: Be with us again tomorrow night for —
Rabbi Morton Karloff: Now the announcer is coming in, come on!!
Announcer: — “Five minutes to Reflect.”
Rabbi Morton Karloff: The Born-Again three days ago got ten minutes!!
Dick Cavett…..Rick Moranis Professor Douglas Marsden…..Tim Kazurinsky Madame Leonora Lostukochov…..Mary Gross Tyrone Green…..Eddie Murphy Oriana Fallacci…..Robin Duke
[FADE IN on a studio with a string quartet playing classical music live in the foreground. SUPERIMPOSE “I’ll Be the Judge of That” inside a circle across the entire screen. HOLD for several seconds.]
Announcer: [in clipped British accent] Ladies and gentlemen, your master of ceremonies: Dick Cavett.
[Audience cheers as Cavett walks onstage and stops directly in front of a long white sofa in the background. Wearing a gray jacket with a blue turtleneck underneath, he thoughtfully places a finger to his mouth as the applause and music fade away.]
Dick Cavett: Um… good evening. Um, welcome to the only show that any network would let me have. Um… it’s a game show, a forum which I normally abhor, um… Nonetheless, it may not be as sophisticated as my late lamented PBS talk show, but I’ll be the judge of that. So… [glances down at index card] If we can meet our contestants, the first is a professor of Renaissance English Studies at Columbia University, author of the controversial monograph entitled, “Christopher Marlowe: Shakespeare or What?” Um… Would you please welcome, then, Professor Douglas Marsden.
[Applause as the string quartet plays again and Professor Marsden walks onstage. In a gray suit and red tie, he stiffly shakes Cavett’s hand as the quartet ceases.]
Dick Cavett: Um… Welcome, uh, Professor, to the show. Are you ready to have a go at it?
Professor: [in a dignified accent] Well, as Shakespeare wrote: “Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war!” [chuckles]
Dick Cavett: Well, he was always rather pithy, wasn’t he?
Professor: [shyly] Yes.
Dick Cavett: Anyway, thank you, please have a seat. Our next guest is one of the grande dames of Czechoslovakian ballet, and the founder of Prague’s first Szechuan cooking school. [soft laughter] Um… may we bring on Madame Leonora Lostukochov?
[Applause as the quartet resumes the theme and Madame Leonora walks gracefully onstage. She wears a flowered head scarf and a flowing red gown.]
Dick Cavett: [places finger to lips] Um, Madame Leonora, when George Balanchine was on my former PBS talk show, he, too, expressed a love of Szechuan food. Um… is that a thing with dancers, or what?
Madame Leonora: [in heavy Eastern European accent] Well, if there ees a connection, Deeck, I’m too old to know it.
Dick Cavett: [places finger to lips] I just wondered if, the spicier the beef, the bigger the calf. What a wonderful pun I’ve stumbled on. [laughter] Um, thank you very much. [motions for her to sit] Our… our last contestant, then, is one of the angriest poets of the Bedford-Stuyvesant school, um… author of his latest poem, “Kill My Landlord,” which… [riotous cheers and applause] …was hailed by Marvin Gaye as a modern “Prufrock.” Um… would you please welcome, then, Tyrone Green.
[Hearty applause as the strings resume and Green slouches onstage in a camouflage t-shirt and faded jeans. When he stops next to Cavett, Tyrone glares down at the string quartet, which continues playing.]
Dick Cavett: [places finger to lips] Um… Terrone, have you derived, uh, any satisfaction from your new-found notoriety in the black arts community?
Tyrone Green: [barking at musicians] SHUT UP!!!
[The quartet stops in the middle of a note.]
Tyrone Green: Yeah, I get a lot of sex now, now that I’m a poet. [squeals of laughter] What kinda prizes you got on this show?
Dick Cavett: Well, I’m glad you asked that, Terrone. Um… to find out what kind of prizes we have, we’ll go to our lovely and talented prize girl, Miss Oriana Fallacci. Oriana?
[CUT to Oriana smoking a cigarette and fanning out a match in her other hand.]
Oriana Fallaci: [in Italian accent] Thanks, Dick. Uhh… Eh, let me tell you this, ehhh, all of the, uh, contestants on, uh, “I’ll Be the Judge of That,” eh, will-a re-cheive an autographed, eh, first edition of my new book, ehh, “Interviews with Men Who Object to My Smoking.”
[FADE to a slide of her book.]
Oriana Fallaci: Uhh, they will, uh, also re-cheive a year’s-a supply of Cappuccino Quik…
[FADE to a canister of Cappuccino Quik.]
Oriana Fallaci: Ehhhh, from Nestle’s, of course, ehhh, who-a of course are Fascists. Ehh, Deeck?
[FADE back to Cavett on the couch as he places his finger to his lips.]
Dick Cavett: Uh, thank you, Oriana. [ZOOM out to show Cavett and his contestants all seated on the long white couch.]
Dick Cavett: Well, let’s move on, then, to “I’ll Be the Judge of That.” You all know the rules, and if you don’t, I’m sure they’ll become self-evident as we proceed. Um… Professor Marsden, let’s begin with you. Um… [pauses] Do you find Gershwin more melodically satisfying than, let’s say, Cole Porter?
Professor: Actually, yes, I do prefer Gershwin.
Dick Cavett: I’m sorry, I don’t. No points there. Um…
[long moment of laughter]
Dick Cavett: Madame Lostukochek [sic]… you’re sitting beside the pool of your Connecticut country home. Your actress wife, Carrie Nye, is reading aloud to you from “The New York Times Book Review.” Um… what would you be likely to be drinking?
Tyrone Green: A Fresca.
Dick Cavett: I’m, I’m sorry, Mr. Green, I was addressing Madame Leonora. What would you be likely to be drinking?
Madame Leonora: Wodka. Straight up. In a slipper.
Dick Cavett: No, I’m sorry, what you probably prefer is a Camprari and soda. No points there. Um… let’s move on to Mr. Green, and– [holds up card] My goodness, it’s a bonus question. Um… if you answer this one correctly, Mr. Green, you’ll get to move on to the final round. Now, what would be a good bonus question? [thinks for a moment] Um… Oh, yes. What did Lord Laurence Olivier say to me when I told him that I couldn’t possibly call him “Larry”?
Tyrone Green: [smoothly] “Oh, you must, you must, I wouldn’t feel right about it if you didn’t.”
Dick Cavett: Well done, Terrone, that’s absolutely right. Um…
[laughter and applause]
Dick Cavett: You’ve won the honor of being interviewed by me. Um… All you have to do is–
Tyrone Green: Hold me, hold me back.
Dick Cavett: All you have to do is engage, uh, in some witty banter with me for 30 seconds, and if at any time you mention the secret word, you’ll win our grand prize. Is this clear?
Tyrone Green: [ thinks ] I would really like to see you dead, man.
Dick Cavett: [places finger to lips] We only have 30 seconds. Um… Well, then, if the anethemous string quartet could give us the back half of the “Minute Waltz,” we’ll begin.
[string quartet starts in]
Dick Cavett: You know, Terrone, after seeing some “Shakespeare in the Park,” I, I like nothing better than to go to one of my or Woody’s favorite eateries, “Elaine’s.” Um… do you have a particular favorite spot that you like to go to after purveying a bit of The Bard?
Tyrone Green: [to musicians] SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
[The string quartet keeps on playing.]
Tyrone Green: Only bourgeois trash purvey a bit of The Bard, man. I like to go to the “Enter the Dragon,” then I go down to Cozy Kitten social club, have somethin’ ta eat, and I like to sit around ’cause they got a scintillating ambiance, y’know, and the sounds–
[The strings suddenly play happy notes as a duck drops down from the ceiling with a card reading “AMBIANCE” around its neck.]
Dick Cavett: My goodness, that’s…
[cheers and applause]
Dick Cavett: Well, well done, Terrone, you’ve said the secret word. Unfortunately, an obvious one, but nonetheless, “ambiance.” Um, Oriana, would you please tell Mr. Green what he’s won?
[CUT to Oriana in her black sweater with her cigarette.]
Oriana Fallaci: Sure, Dick, eeehmmm… You-a will be a-writing in comfort for the next year on a generous grant, ehh, from the Chubb Group of Insurance Companies, ehh.
[FADE to the “CHUBB GROUP” logo.]
Oriana Fallaci: Which, uhhh, of course are Facists, uh, everybody knows this, Dick.
[CUT back to Cavett and Green.]
Dick Cavett: Thank you very much, Oriana. Well, I have had a splendid time–
Tyrone Green: I want it NOW, man.
[ZOOM OUT as the string quartet starts up the theme music.]
Tyrone Green: I want prizes NOW, man, in gold.
Dick Cavett: Um… I hope we do this again soon, um…
Tyrone Green: [to musicians] I’m gonna shove them oboes down your throats!
Dick Cavett: Um… we’ll see you all again, then, tomorrow, um, *during the super bowl.*
Tyrone Green: I want my soul NOW, man.
[SUPERIMPOSE “I’ll Be the Judge of That” logo as audience cheers loudly. FADE to black as Tyrone vaults off the platform toward the string quartet.]
Bob Hope…..Dave Thomas Woody Allen…..Rick Moranis Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo
[ open on low angle shot of a putter hitting a golf ball across a carpeted floor. Pan up to reveal a tuxedo-clad Bob Hope clutching the putter, as he sings “Thanks For the Memories.” ]
[ the doorbell rings. Bob glances toward the audience in mock surprise, then walks across the room to answer the door. ]
[ a nervous, nebbishly-dressed Woody Allen enters the room ]
Bob Hope: Hi, Woody! Come on in!
Woody Allen: Boy, uh.. I’m not dressed or anything! I didn’t expect a Superbowl party to be black tie!
Bob Hope: No, no, no. I’m not dressed like this because of the Superbowl – I always wear a tuxedo in my Awards Room.
Woody Allen: Geez.. it’s a lot of awards. [ looks around the room, notices a huge safe dor embedded into the wall ] Wait a second! What’s this over here – a branch for California Federal?!
Bob Hope: Get away from that! That’s my joke vault!
[ Woody steps towards the audience, breaking the fourth wall ]
Woody Allen: I know what you’re thinking. What am I doing here? This is just a cheap excuse to throw some impressions together in a – a lame television sketch. You talk about cheap – I mean, the man’s got a prop vault in his living room!
Bob Hope: [ enters frame ] Hey, what are you doing, talking to the camera? Two can play that game! [ addresses the audience ] Hi, ladies and gentlemen, this is Bob Hope! Welcome to my home in Palm Springs. [ chuckles ]
[ the doorbell rings ]
Bob Hope: I’ll get it.
[ Bob answers the door to Frank Sinatra ]
Bob Hope: Frank!
Frank Sinatra: Robert. How are you? [ they embrace ] You know, Hope – Hope, you look terrific. [ Bob chuckles ] For an old man.
Bob Hope: Hey, take it easy. [ pats Frank’s hair ] You’ve got more plugs here than AT&T!
Frank Sinatra: I understand that you haven’t been working too much lately, Robert. I’ll see what I can do about starting a war.
Bob Hope: Yeah, well, I guess now that Maya Lansky’s gone, the world’s your clam, huh, Frank?
[ Woody Allen, left standing off to the side, turns again to address the audience ]
Woody Allen: Great. Maya Lansky jokes. I’m here with the Mob, and I’m the only Jew in the room! They’re probably gonna make me keep the books! What am I doing here? What could I possibly have in common with Frank Sinatra?!
[ Bob and Frank step up to stand behind Woody’s shoulders ]
Bob Hope: How ’bout Mia Farrow?
Frank Sinatra: [ pats Woody’s back ] How does it feel to have seconds?
Bob Hope: Hey – don’t you mean third? Wasn’t she done in by the Devil? [ chuckles ]
Woody Allen: Lay off, willya, fellas? Does somebody wanna turn on the Superbowl or something? I mean, that’s why we’re here, isn’t it?
Frank Sinatra: Sit.
Woody Allen: You want me to sit?
Frank Sinatra: Sit!
Woody Allen: I’ll sit! [ scrambles to sit on the couch ]
Bob Hope: Gee – that’s what I call the Wood House Method! [ chuckles ]
Frank Sinatra: Did you tell him yet?
Bob Hope: Uh – no. I-I forgot, Frank. I-I’ll tell him right now. [ sits next to Woody ] Uh – Woody. [ pauses, chickens out ] Frank’s got something to tell you!
Frank Sinatra: You know, Wood Man. As a, uh, young type modern liberal hip cat, we thought it would be groovy if you helped The Man do four more. Capiche?
[ Woody appears confused ]
Bob Hope: Well, let me translate for my partner, Tonto, here. He wants you to help us keep Ronnie Reagan in the White House in ’84.
Woody Allen: Wait a second, fellas, you’re barking up the wrong tree. I keep right out of politics now! Besides, what’s the hurry? The election’s two years away!
Bob Hope: Gee, well, with my schedule, I like to book in advance, you know?
Frank Sinatra: Alright, alright, alright. Look – this is the plan. See, me and Hope, we cover one segment of the voters, and you cover the other segment. You know, like the faggots and the, uh.. the Commies, the liberals, and that sort of thing. Now, if you could get that scum vote on Ronnie’s side, we’d appreciate it very much.
Woody Allen: [ shakes his head, distraught ] No problem, absolutely, you got me. As a matter of fact, give me the phone right now, I’ve got my faggot phone book with me, I can get the whole scum boat on our side right away!
Bob Hope: Gee, that’s great! It worked, Frank!
Frank Sinatra: Marvelous. Let’s watch the game. I wonder who’s winning – the Phins or the Skins?
Woody Allen: Listen, fellas, I was kidding! I don’t know if I can help you with the Reagan thing! Come on! I mean – I mean, I get hives around horses and conservatives!
[ Frank turns the Superbowl on, watches intensely for a few seconds, then grabs the phone off the wall and dials ]
Frank Sinatra: Yeah. Pasadena, please. Get me the Miami sideline.
Bob Hope: Hey. Wait a minute. Is that long-distance?
[ Frank hands Bob a wad of bills ]
Bob Hope: A hundred bucks?! Yuo have three minutes, sir!
Woody Allen: [ speaks incredulously to the audience ] The man is calling the Superbowl.
Frank Sinatra: Alright, look – tell Don Schuler that Frank says the Redskins are gonna win this game. Yeah, I thought it would be nice if you guys fumbled the punt three times. Thank you so much.
[ the camera zooms in on the game on the TV screen, as the Miami Dolphins fumble the punt three tmes ]
[ Frank turns the TV off, as an amazed Woody jumps to his feet ]
Woody Allen: He can call Don Schumer and order a-a fumble like that?! [ snaps his fingers ]
Bob Hope: Listen – if he can get his kids singing gigs, he can do anything!
Frank Sinatra: Alright, alright, look – Pee-Wee, Pee-Wee, you gonna help us with this, uh, Reagan campaign thing or what?
Woody Allen: Well, actually, it’s against my political beliefs, guys.
[ Bob growls and barks at Woody, as Frank simply gives him the evil eye ]
Woody Allen: But, on the other hand, I prefer not to become part of a highway!
Frank Sinatra: Great, great. Good, good. You can direct the camapign commercials.
Bob Hope: Yeah. But make ’em funny, not like your last couple of movies.
Frank Sinatra: Yeah, yeah, here we go. Okay, here we go. Me and Robert worked this little thing out. Hit that – hit that thing over there.
Bob Hope: Oh, yeah. Okay. [ hits a stereo button ] Les?
[ the theme to “Love and Marriage” plays, as Frank and Bob move about the room ]
Frank & Bob,: [ singing ]“Ron and Nancy Ron and Nancy They go together like a horse and carriage –“
[ the camera zooms in on Woody, as he once more addresses the audience ]
Woody Allen: I was right – it was just a cheap excuse to throw some lame impressions together. Somebody really should put a stop to this. As much as I hate to do this, I find it kind of embarrassing, but – “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”