SNL Transcripts: Susan St. James: 04/16/83: Our Generation

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 18

82r: Susan St. James / Michael McDonald

Our Generation

Mother…..Susan Saint James
Eugene Beakman…..Gary Kroeger
Father…..Joe Piscopo
Buddy…..Brad Hall
Leslie…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Lottery Spokesman…..Tim Kazurinsky

[Eugene is lounging in a chair in a living room, bored and listless]

Mother: Eugene, why don’t you go out and look for a job today?

Eugene: Nah. I don’t feel like doing much of anything.

Mother: Well, then, why don’t you go clean up your room?

Eugene: Nah.

Mother: Eugene, would like to sell your mother’s jewelry and buy yourself an expensive sports car?

Eugene: Nah.

Mother: Then do nothing, you good-for-nothing bum! All you ever do is sit around the house all day. You’re no son of mine. Look at your brother Frank: he’s twenty-nine years old and he has his own law firm. You’re twenty-six year old and you’re still living at home. It’s time for you to move out!

Eugene: Nah.

Father: Eunice, where’s the morning paper?

Mother: Look at your son, Harvey. He’s a good-for-nothing bum. He just sits around the house all day.

Father: Oh, hey, hey, hey. What’s the matter, sport? How’d you like to go outside and play some ball with the old man, huh?

Eugene: Nah.

Father: Well, you wanna go upstairs and help me put in the screen windows? I need some help, you know.

Eugene: Nah.

Father: I know; I know what you’d like. How’d you like a thousand dollars to go out and buy the best darn drum set around, huh? Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Eugene: Nah.

Father: Well, you go straight to Hell, you little bum. Your mother’s right; you’re nothing but a bum. Why can’t you be more like your sister? She’s half your age and already a Rhodes Scholar at Oxford. Why don’t you just go crawl in a hole and die somewhere?

Eugene: Nah.

[Doorbell rings. Mother lets in Buddy and Leslie]

Mother: Hi.

Buddy: Hi, Ms. Beakman. Is Eugie here? Oh, hey, Eugie, how you doin’, man? You wanna go out and have some fun with your buddy?

Eugene: Nah.

Buddy: Well uh, Les and I are gonna go to the Cubs game. We got an extra ticket; how ‘bout it? Huh?

Eugene: Nah.

Leslie: Awe, come on, Eugie. I’ll make non-stop love to you in the car on the way.

Eugene: Nah.

Leslie: Aw, you can go to Hell, Eugie.

Buddy: Yeah, Eugie, you’re a good-for-nothing. You’re a human waste.

Leslie: Why don’t you just go suck an egg?

Eugene: Nah.

Leslie: I’m getting out of here, Eugie.

Buddy: Yeah, me too. See ya.

[Lottery Spokesman is at door when they open it to leave]

Lottery Spokesman: Is this the home of Mr. Eugene Beakman?

Leslie: Oh, yeah, he’s right over there.

Lottery Spokesman: Well, Mr. Beakman, you are the winner of the Sunset House Golden 50th Anniversary Sweepstakes. You’ve just won one million dollars! That’s a thousand dollars a year for the rest of your life, every year.

Buddy: Oh my God! Eugie, way to go, buddy!

Leslie: Eugie, that is…

Lottery Spokesman: You will never have to work another day in your life. All you have to do is sign here.

Eugene: Nah.

Lottery Spokesman: Well, I need your signature to verify that you’ve won.

Eugene: Nah.

Lottery Spokesman: If you don’t sign this, I can’t give you the money.

Eugene: Nah.

Buddy: Come on, Eugie, get it together. Come on, man!

Lottery Spokesman: Oh, Mr. Beakman, don’t be an idiot! This is – this is a million dollars! You’ll never have to work another day in your life!

Eugene: [pauses for thought] Nah.

Lottery Spokesman: You’re the luckiest man alive! You’ve won…

Buddy: Come on, Eugie, get it together, man!

Leslie: Come on, wake up, Eugie.

Eugene: Nah.

Buddy: Eugie!

Leslie: Eugie!

Lottery Spokesman: Mr. Beakman!

[Eugene starts to exit]

Father: Eugene, come to your senses, son. What are you doin’?

Mother: Eugene, where are you going?

Eugene: Mmm. Thought I’d go upstairs… diddle with my fiddle.

Submitted by: Melissa Snyder

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas: 01/29/83: I’ll Be the Judge of That

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 11

Search Now: In Association with

82k: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas / The Bus Boys

I’ll Be the Judge of That

Dick Cavett…..Rick Moranis
Professor Douglas Marsden…..Tim Kazurinsky
Madame Leonora Lostukochov…..Mary Gross
Tyrone Green…..Eddie Murphy
Oriana Fallacci…..Robin Duke

[FADE IN on a studio with a string quartet playing classical music live in the foreground. SUPERIMPOSE “I’ll Be the Judge of That” inside a circle across the entire screen. HOLD for several seconds.]

Announcer: [in clipped British accent] Ladies and gentlemen, your master of ceremonies: Dick Cavett.

[Audience cheers as Cavett walks onstage and stops directly in front of a long white sofa in the background. Wearing a gray jacket with a blue turtleneck underneath, he thoughtfully places a finger to his mouth as the applause and music fade away.]

Dick Cavett: Um… good evening. Um, welcome to the only show that any network would let me have. Um… it’s a game show, a forum which I normally abhor, um… Nonetheless, it may not be as sophisticated as my late lamented PBS talk show, but I’ll be the judge of that. So… [glances down at index card] If we can meet our contestants, the first is a professor of Renaissance English Studies at Columbia University, author of the controversial monograph entitled, “Christopher Marlowe: Shakespeare or What?” Um… Would you please welcome, then, Professor Douglas Marsden.

[Applause as the string quartet plays again and Professor Marsden walks onstage. In a gray suit and red tie, he stiffly shakes Cavett’s hand as the quartet ceases.]

Dick Cavett: Um… Welcome, uh, Professor, to the show. Are you ready to have a go at it?

Professor: [in a dignified accent] Well, as Shakespeare wrote: “Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war!” [chuckles]

Dick Cavett: Well, he was always rather pithy, wasn’t he?

Professor: [shyly] Yes.

Dick Cavett: Anyway, thank you, please have a seat. Our next guest is one of the grande dames of Czechoslovakian ballet, and the founder of Prague’s first Szechuan cooking school. [soft laughter] Um… may we bring on Madame Leonora Lostukochov?

[Applause as the quartet resumes the theme and Madame Leonora walks gracefully onstage. She wears a flowered head scarf and a flowing red gown.]

Dick Cavett: [places finger to lips] Um, Madame Leonora, when George Balanchine was on my former PBS talk show, he, too, expressed a love of Szechuan food. Um… is that a thing with dancers, or what?

Madame Leonora: [in heavy Eastern European accent] Well, if there ees a connection, Deeck, I’m too old to know it.

Dick Cavett: [places finger to lips] I just wondered if, the spicier the beef, the bigger the calf. What a wonderful pun I’ve stumbled on. [laughter] Um, thank you very much. [motions for her to sit] Our… our last contestant, then, is one of the angriest poets of the Bedford-Stuyvesant school, um… author of his latest poem, “Kill My Landlord,” which… [riotous cheers and applause] …was hailed by Marvin Gaye as a modern “Prufrock.” Um… would you please welcome, then, Tyrone Green.

[Hearty applause as the strings resume and Green slouches onstage in a camouflage t-shirt and faded jeans. When he stops next to Cavett, Tyrone glares down at the string quartet, which continues playing.]

Dick Cavett: [places finger to lips] Um… Terrone, have you derived, uh, any satisfaction from your new-found notoriety in the black arts community?

Tyrone Green: [barking at musicians] SHUT UP!!!

[The quartet stops in the middle of a note.]

Tyrone Green: Yeah, I get a lot of sex now, now that I’m a poet. [squeals of laughter] What kinda prizes you got on this show?

Dick Cavett: Well, I’m glad you asked that, Terrone. Um… to find out what kind of prizes we have, we’ll go to our lovely and talented prize girl, Miss Oriana Fallacci. Oriana?

[CUT to Oriana smoking a cigarette and fanning out a match in her other hand.]

Oriana Fallaci: [in Italian accent] Thanks, Dick. Uhh… Eh, let me tell you this, ehhh, all of the, uh, contestants on, uh, “I’ll Be the Judge of That,” eh, will-a re-cheive an autographed, eh, first edition of my new book, ehh, “Interviews with Men Who Object to My Smoking.”

[FADE to a slide of her book.]

Oriana Fallaci: Uhh, they will, uh, also re-cheive a year’s-a supply of Cappuccino Quik…

[FADE to a canister of Cappuccino Quik.]

Oriana Fallaci: Ehhhh, from Nestle’s, of course, ehhh, who-a of course are Fascists. Ehh, Deeck?

[FADE back to Cavett on the couch as he places his finger to his lips.]

Dick Cavett: Uh, thank you, Oriana. [ZOOM out to show Cavett and his contestants all seated on the long white couch.]

Dick Cavett: Well, let’s move on, then, to “I’ll Be the Judge of That.” You all know the rules, and if you don’t, I’m sure they’ll become self-evident as we proceed. Um… Professor Marsden, let’s begin with you. Um… [pauses] Do you find Gershwin more melodically satisfying than, let’s say, Cole Porter?

Professor: Actually, yes, I do prefer Gershwin.

Dick Cavett: I’m sorry, I don’t. No points there. Um…

[long moment of laughter]

Dick Cavett: Madame Lostukochek [sic]… you’re sitting beside the pool of your Connecticut country home. Your actress wife, Carrie Nye, is reading aloud to you from “The New York Times Book Review.” Um… what would you be likely to be drinking?

Tyrone Green: A Fresca.

Dick Cavett: I’m, I’m sorry, Mr. Green, I was addressing Madame Leonora. What would you be likely to be drinking?

Madame Leonora: Wodka. Straight up. In a slipper.

Dick Cavett: No, I’m sorry, what you probably prefer is a Camprari and soda. No points there. Um… let’s move on to Mr. Green, and– [holds up card] My goodness, it’s a bonus question. Um… if you answer this one correctly, Mr. Green, you’ll get to move on to the final round. Now, what would be a good bonus question? [thinks for a moment] Um… Oh, yes. What did Lord Laurence Olivier say to me when I told him that I couldn’t possibly call him “Larry”?

Tyrone Green: [smoothly] “Oh, you must, you must, I wouldn’t feel right about it if you didn’t.”

Dick Cavett: Well done, Terrone, that’s absolutely right. Um…

[laughter and applause]

Dick Cavett: You’ve won the honor of being interviewed by me. Um… All you have to do is–

Tyrone Green: Hold me, hold me back.

Dick Cavett: All you have to do is engage, uh, in some witty banter with me for 30 seconds, and if at any time you mention the secret word, you’ll win our grand prize. Is this clear?

Tyrone Green: [ thinks ] I would really like to see you dead, man.


Dick Cavett: [places finger to lips] We only have 30 seconds. Um… Well, then, if the anethemous string quartet could give us the back half of the “Minute Waltz,” we’ll begin.

[string quartet starts in]

Dick Cavett: You know, Terrone, after seeing some “Shakespeare in the Park,” I, I like nothing better than to go to one of my or Woody’s favorite eateries, “Elaine’s.” Um… do you have a particular favorite spot that you like to go to after purveying a bit of The Bard?

Tyrone Green: [to musicians] SHUT THE HELL UP!!!

[The string quartet keeps on playing.]

Tyrone Green: Only bourgeois trash purvey a bit of The Bard, man. I like to go to the “Enter the Dragon,” then I go down to Cozy Kitten social club, have somethin’ ta eat, and I like to sit around ’cause they got a scintillating ambiance, y’know, and the sounds–

[The strings suddenly play happy notes as a duck drops down from the ceiling with a card reading “AMBIANCE” around its neck.]

Dick Cavett: My goodness, that’s…

[cheers and applause]

Dick Cavett: Well, well done, Terrone, you’ve said the secret word. Unfortunately, an obvious one, but nonetheless, “ambiance.” Um, Oriana, would you please tell Mr. Green what he’s won?

[CUT to Oriana in her black sweater with her cigarette.]

Oriana Fallaci: Sure, Dick, eeehmmm… You-a will be a-writing in comfort for the next year on a generous grant, ehh, from the Chubb Group of Insurance Companies, ehh.

[FADE to the “CHUBB GROUP” logo.]

Oriana Fallaci: Which, uhhh, of course are Facists, uh, everybody knows this, Dick.

[CUT back to Cavett and Green.]

Dick Cavett: Thank you very much, Oriana. Well, I have had a splendid time–

Tyrone Green: I want it NOW, man.

[ZOOM OUT as the string quartet starts up the theme music.]

Tyrone Green: I want prizes NOW, man, in gold.

Dick Cavett: Um… I hope we do this again soon, um…

Tyrone Green: [to musicians] I’m gonna shove them oboes down your throats!

Dick Cavett: Um… we’ll see you all again, then, tomorrow, um, *during the super bowl.*

Tyrone Green: I want my soul NOW, man.

[SUPERIMPOSE “I’ll Be the Judge of That” logo as audience cheers loudly. FADE to black as Tyrone vaults off the platform toward the string quartet.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas: 01/29/83: Five Minutes to Reflect

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 11

Search Now: In Association with

82k: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas / The Bus Boys

Five Minutes to Reflect

Rabbi Morton Karloff…..Rick Moranis

[ open on title superimposed over stained glass windows, as organ music plays ]

Announcer: Welcome to “Five Minutes to Reflect.”

[ zoom out, then down to reveal the rabbi Morton Karloff flipping through his prayer text ]

Announcer: Tonight’s guest speaker is the rabbi Morton Karloff, of Temple Beth Myerson.

Rabbi Morton Karloff: Good evening. You know, many people have asked me the question: “Rabbi, tell me what is the origin of the Five Books of Moses.” Well. I myself have — [ removes his glasses, which separates his side curls from the rest of his hair ] — shrugged my shoulders many times at the thought. Why not four books, or – or six books, or – or ten books? [ replaces his glasses and side curls ] Well.. the simple fact is that the Five Books of moses were just to be the first five books in a projected series that was going to be issued monthly, under the tile “The Testement of the month Club.” Now, as you all know, according to the Jewish calendar, this is the year 5743, which means that, had we been publishing one book per month, right now we’d be up to Volume 68,708.

But what were th other books to have been written about? Well, basically, home repair. Volume 6 through 29 were tentatively titled “Hebraic Household Hints.” The sixth volume, for example, was to be devoted entirely to drywall. Volume 7 through 10 were on small appliance repair, plumbling, and heating. And Volume 11 was on vertical and, uh.. vertical blind and track lighting installation, I believe.

Now, these books never appeared,which explains why, to this day, the Jewish people are not very handy. But was the entire rest of the Bible to have consisted only of handyman’s tips? Well, hardly. no, there were a great many more subjects that were to have been covered. Military tactics, uh.. the correct way of cooking meat, so it isn’t dry and tasteless. And how to decorate a suburban living room like a Hawaiian hotel lobby. One book alone – “Sex Hints for the Teenaged Daughter” – might have changed the entire course of history, had it been issued as was planned in 1726.

But the most frequently-asked question is: “On Rasheed’s philosophy of skylight leaks, what was the –“

[ the organ music pots up ]

Rabbi Morton Karloff: What is the music coming in for now? That’s too early, I had five minutes to reflect. [ looks at his watch ] That’s, uh – that’s four minutes and ten seconds, I’ve been keeping time. No, you’re not cutting now – I have five minutes to reflect! No! He said five minutes on me, not four minutes on me!

[ the camera pans upward to the stained glass window ]

Rabbi Morton Karloff: Now he’s moving up! Why is he moving up?! What is he – he’s going to the window again! It’s not – what is this, a window commercial? Come back here! Hey!

[ Rabbi morton Karloff waves his hand as the camera rises past him and holds on the stained glass window ]

Rabbi Morton Karloff V/O: Hey, this isn’t “Four Minutes to Reflect!!” Hey, come here!

[ Rabbi Morton Karloff stands up his pulpit so he can reappear in the frame ]

Rabbi Morton Karloff: What is this, “Four Minutes to Reflect and a One-Minute Window Commercial?!” The Episcopalian yesterday got the whole thing!!

Announcer: Be with us again tomorrow night for —

Rabbi Morton Karloff: Now the announcer is coming in, come on!!

Announcer: — “Five minutes to Reflect.”

Rabbi Morton Karloff: The Born-Again three days ago got ten minutes!!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Sid Caesar: 02/05/83

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 12

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


February 5th, 1983

Sid Caesar

Joe Cocker

Harry Anderson

Jennifer Warnes
How To Prove It’s Live


Sid Caesar’s Monologue

Funeral in a Cab

The WhinersRecurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner.

Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes perform “Up Where We Belong”

“Who Do You Hate?”Note: Repeat from 02/20/82.

Hotel Room Time Warp

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Patti Lynn Hunnsacker, Dr. Jack Badofsky.

Harry Anderson

Crime & Self-Punishment

A Few Minutes With Andy RooneyRecurring Characters: Andy Rooney.

Joe Cocker performs “Seven Days”


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Howard Hesseman: 02/19/83

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 13

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


February 19th, 1983

Howard Hesseman

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers


Milan Melvin
Howard’s Planned Monologue


Howard Hesseman’s Monologue

Sleepy Boy 2000

Elvis Presley, Back & Black

Mad Magazine TheatreRecurring Characters: Tom Snyder.

West Heaven

The A-TeamRecurring Characters: Mr. T, Rex Reed.

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer.

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers performs “Change of Heart”

The Fiesta Cheese PlatterRecurring Characters: Marvin, Celeste.

Dion’sRecurring Characters: Dion.

The Laughing Buddha

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers performs “The Waiting”


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Beau & Jeff Bridges: 02/26/83

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 14

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


February 26th, 1983

Beau Bridges

Jeff Bridges

Randy Newman


Lloyd Bridges

Andy Murphy

Joe Dicso

Clint Smith

Howard Hesseman
Childhood Stories


Beau & Jeff Bridges’ Monologue


Problem Pimple

Rick’s Cafe

Randy Newman performs “I Love L.A.”

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Dr. Ruth Westheimer.

Time Magazine

Cheap Hunt

Battered Husband

Saundra’s House of Massage

Randy Newman performs “Real Emotional Girl”

Guy Crazy


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Beau & Jeff Bridges: 02/26/83: Texxon

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 14

82n: Beau & Jeff Bridges / Randy Newman


Voice-over: A new community center for senior citizens. A lifesaving clinic for treating athsmatic children. A free job training program for unemployed veterans. What do they all have in common?

(Texxon logo shown on screen)

Texxon oil. Grants from the Texxon foundation paid for them all.

(shows news magazines with front-page stories about extravangant oil company profits)

So when we hear a lot of loose talk about “price fixing” and “windfallprofits,” it worries us. We want to go on helping the needy.

(cut to scene of protesters in front of Capitol Hill, demanding regulations and taxes on oil companies)

So the next time you take an irresponsible swipe at an oil company,remember, who’s going to feel the pinch first?

Elderly man: If anything happens to the oil depletion allowance, I’m as good as dead.

Unemployed Veteran: If these dudes don’t get some offshore oil leases, I’ll be back on the streets. And I’ll be mad.

Athsmatic Little Girl: Please don’t pull the plug on me. Support the deregulation of natural gas.

(background music turns dramatic, logo and motto appear on screen)

Voice-over: Texxon. Do what we say, and nobody gets hurt.

Submitted by: Tony Dumont

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bruce Dern: 03/12/83

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 15

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 12th, 1983

Bruce Dern

Leon Redbone


Drunken Gary


Bruce Dern’s Monologue

Buckwheat JeansRecurring Characters: Buckwheat.


Donny & Marie St. Patrick’s Day SpecialRecurring Characters: Donnie Osmond, Marie Osmond.

Special ReportRecurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Buckwheat, Alfalfa.


The Home for Disgusting Practices

Leon Redbone performs “Sweet Sue”

The Buckwheat StoryTranscript

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky, Siobhan Cahill.

Leprechaun StoryRecurring Characters: Gumby.

Old Jew Beer

Old Negro Beer

Nerdy Traits

Old Chinaman Beer

Jerry Lewis School of Manners

Leon Redbone performs “When You Wish Upon A Star” & “I Ain’t Got Nobody”

Schliemer and Laub SongwritersRecurring Characters: Harry Schliemer, Moe Laub.


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bruce Dern: 03/12/83: Special Report

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 15

82o: Bruce Dern / Leon Redbone

Special Report

Ted Koppel…..Joe Piscopo
Buckwheat…..Eddie Murphy
Alfalfa…..Mary Gross

[ a broadcast of the “Donny & Marie” St. Patrick’s Day Special” is interrupted by a breaking news story ][ cue Ted Koppel reporting from the ABC newsroom ]

Ted Koppel: We have just received word that Buckwheat has been shot. Apparently, it happened just moments ago as the legendary performer was leaving 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York. He had just finished making an appearance on “Saturday Night Live”, and as he was leaving the building, he was shot by an unknown assailant, or assailants.. details are sketchy at this point. [ grabs earpiece ] Now, I understand that we now have a videotape of the shooting – let’s take a look.

[ videotape plays on monitor to Ted’s left ] [ Buckwheat and his entourage exit 30 Rockefeller Plaza amongst a myriad of fans ]

Autograph Seeker: Oh, Mr. Buckwheat, I so love your singing, could I have your autograph..?

Buckwheat: Thank you very much. No autographs, pease, pease.. [ to crowd ] I nub nou! I nub nou! [ stands just outside of his limo ]

Voice in the Crowd: Hey, Mr. Wheat!

Buckwheat: Yes.

[ suddenly, two shots ring out, as Buckwheat staggers and his bodyguards run into the startled crowd to tackle the mysterious assailant – cameras zoom back to see the limo peel away in a mad rush to the hospital. ] [ cut back to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: That was the scene just moments ago. To repeat:Buckwheat has been shot. We understand that he has been rushed to a nearby hospital, his condition unknown. We’ll bring you more details as the shocking tragedy develops.

[ cut to news graphic featuring still image of Buckwheat being shot ]

Announcer: The Shooting of Buckwheat: America Stunned. [ dissolve to Texxon graphic ] Brought to you by Texxon. Life goes on. And Texxon is there.

[ cut to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: For the benefit of those of you who have just joined us, Buckwheat has been shot. Let’s take a look.

[ cut back to footage of Buckwheat ]

Buckwheat: [ to crowd ] I nub nou! I nub nou!

Ted Koppel: Here he is, coming out of what appears to be 30 Rockefeller Plaza.. there he is. Now, the shots come right about.. here..

Voice in the Crowd: Hey, Mr. Wheat!

Buckwheat: Yes.

[ shots ring out ]

Ted Koppel: There they are. Now, I have just been told that Buckwheat has just arrived at St. Vincent’s Hospital. Let’s go there, live. [ monitor over Ted’s left shoulder shows the camera zooming through the crowded hall at St. Vincent’s Hospital ] Alright.. now, as you can see, several of Buckwheat’s friends are already there..

[ camera discovers fellow “Our Gang” alum, Alfalfa, talking to a woman in the hall ]

Alfalfa: I can’t believe it! I can’t believe theyshot him, it’s just terrible..!

Ted Koppel: [ interrupting ] Alfalfa, have you had a chance to see the actual footage of Buckwheat being shot?

Alfalfa: No, I haven’t!

Ted Koppell: Then, let’s take a look.

[ video footage plays once again ]

Voice in the Crowd: Hey, Mr. Wheat!

Buckwheat: Yes.

[ the shots ring out ]

Ted Koppel: Alfalfa, what are your feelings as you watch that?

Alfalfa: [ distressed ] Oh-h-h-h.. I’m hurt.. and confu-u-used.. and I don’t know what to say.. no comment! [ camera moves on ]

Ted Koppel: Alfalfa obviously stunned by this tragic turn of events. Alright, we’re going inside now.. [ camera focuses on doctors performing emergency surgery on Buckwheat ] Buckwheat, as you can see, going under the knife. Doctor, excuse me.. this is Ted Koppel. Have you had a chance to see the actual footage of Buckwheat as he was shot?

Doctor: [ looking up from surgery ] No. I haven’t.

Ted Koppel: Well, then, let’s take a look.

[ cut to video footage yet again ]

Ted Koppel: There he is, about to get into his limosine.. and, uh.. [ footage plays in slow-motion, as Buckwheat is shot ] 30 Rock.. it speaks for itself… buckwheat being shot. To repeat: Buckwheat has been shot. He’s now in emergency surgery, and all we Americans can do is wait and worry.

[ cut to news graphic featuring still image of Buckwheat being shot ]

Announcer: Emergency Surgery: America Waits and Worries. [ dissolve to Texxon graphic ] Brought to you by Texxon. Life goes on. And Texxon is there.

[ cut to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppell: We have just.. we have just received some tragic news.. Buckwheat.. is dead.

[ cut to news graphic featuring still image of Buckwheat being shot ]

Announcer: Buckwheat Dead: America Mourns. [ dissolve to Texxongraphic ] Brought to you by Texxon. Life goes on. And Texxon is there. Because Buckwheat would have wanted it that way.

[ cut to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: For those of you, just joining us.. Buckwheat is dead. How did he die? Let’s take a look.
[ footage plays again ]

Buckwheat: I nub nou!

Ted Koppel: Alright, now.. as you can see – there it is.. [ shots ring out ] looks like the shots came from Buckwheat’s left side.. there are the security men.. going right after the assailant, or assailants.. we’re not quite sure, as of yet. Who killed Buckwheat, and why? Good questions. We intend to be here tomorrow night, and every night, until those questions are answered. Until then, we pay a final tribute to a great performer.

[ a montage of Buckwheat moments throughout the years is shown, right up to the fatal assassination that just took place moments earlier ]

Ted Koppel: Buckwheat dead. This is Ted Koppell reporting. We now return you to our normal programming. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Eddie Murphy: 12/11/82: Eddie Murphy’s Monologue

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

Eddie Murphy’s Monologue

…..Eddie Murphy

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, EddieMurphy!

Eddie Murphy: Thank you. Thank you. Ah, it’s -it’s good to be back in New York, uh … And it’s– itwas fun working with these kids this week, I had a great time. … I really can’t believe how hard they work here on this show and it’s like – it was, like, watching the process, seeing them pull together was a lot of fun for me, a nice experience. And a lot of things have been happening in my life right now. I just recorded a comedy album, I have a movie out called 48 Hours and things have–

I just moved into a house on Long Island which is very spooky. [cheers and applause for Long Island] LongIsland! Old, uh, Jewish man died in my house. … And it’s a Jewish ghost in my house which is very nerve-wracking. You’re walkin’ through the house and you hear: [old Jewish man’s voice] “Boo! … Get off my lawn, you schwartze! … [cheers and applause]Boo-ooo! I’m under the bed now! …. Or maybe I’m not. Who knows? Maybe. I could be. Who cares? … I could be under the bed.”

[normal voice] It’s real scary. You know what I was wondering about movies? I was watching those movies –I’m moving out of my house, I was watching movies like Poltergeist and Amityville Horror. Why don’t the people just get the hell out of the house?… You can’t make a horror movie with black people init ‘cuz the movie’d stop, you’d see niggers runnin’ down the street, the movie’s over! … That’s the movie. You can’t have a movie like that. See, white people, you all sit on the toilet, see blood in the toilet, and you all go get Ajax. … Brothers won’t sit on the toilet. … Movie be just like this:[brother’s voice] “Wow, baby, this is beautiful. We got chandelier hangin’ up here, kids outside playin’, it’s a beautiful neighborhood, I really love – this is beaut–” [demonic whisper] “Get out!” [brother’svoice] “Too bad we can’t stay.” [instantly spins, starts walking upstage] … [cheers and applause, Eddie returns to face the crowd, wipes hisnose]

My nose is runnin’ and I don’t want to look– people thinking’ I’m nasty. I have a cold. … I was playin’ ball today. You ever play basketball when you have a cold? And make a fast move and snot shoot out at ya?[whips his head around, pretends to get hit in the eye by a cold blob of snot] … Ah, that was in bad taste,I shouldn’t’ve did it. But it was funny, so what? …

Here’s some more stuff in bad taste. [pulls sunglasses out of pocket, puts them on, does his Stevie Wonderimpression, head rocking slowly from side to side] …[cheers and applause, Eddie as Stevie claps his hands and croons wordlessly, then he takes off the glasses and laughs] The brothers don’t like when you do Stevie. … Brother be sayin’: [angry brother voice]”HEY, MAN, THAT’S NOT FUNNY! … STEVIE IS BLIND, MAN![wipes his nose with the sleeve of his jacket] … DO’EM AGAIN, YOU GON’ GET HURT!” [But Eddie puts the glasses back on and plays Stevie again] …[applause] [normal voice] Stevie Wonder likes the impression! That’s why I do it. I met Stevie Wonder in Atlanta. He liked it. Don’t think like Stevie’s sittin’ home in his living room goin’: [sad voice] “Wow, I’m blind. That’s messed up, man.” … [normal voice] He’s not. Stevie’s a very happy person. You see him smilin’ all the time. I say, “Stevie, why you so happy?” He say,”‘Cuz I’m rich, that’s why.” … Stevie’s very happy.

He walked up to me in Atlanta, too. He walks up to me, he goes: [as Stevie Wonder] “Eddie, if you – ever imitate me again – I’ll kick your behind.” …[removes glasses, normal voice, supercool] Needless to say, I wasn’t afraid. … I’d kill Stevie Wonder in a fight. … [suddenly starts shadowboxing with an imaginary Stevie Wonder] Step off, Steve! Step off![with his back to the audience, Eddie throws a punch]BIFF! [Eddie spins around as Stevie, in a boxing stance, his dark glasses crooked on his nose as if hehad just taken a punch in the face ] “Aw, you shouldn’t ‘a’ did that!” … [Eddie as Stevie bobs and weaves with fists in the air like a boxer, cheers and applause, Eddie stops, breaks into a smile, takes off the glasses, normal voice] You’re a lot of fun! Watch the show! Stick around! Thank you. [Eddie basks in the huge cheers and applause as we fade out]

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