Category: 1982

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 11




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82k: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas / The Bus Boys

Guy Talk

Lenny Ciccilone…..Joe Piscopo
Liberace…..Dave Thomas
Michael Jackson…..Eddie Murphy

[FADE IN on the “GUY TALK” logo as jazz music plays in the background. FADE to Lenny wearing a blue biker jacket.]

Lenny: Hey, how are ya? I’m Lenny Ciccilone over here. Welcome to “Guy Talk.” This is the only show on cable TV where guys can be GUYS, all riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Tonight we got two guys here: Liberace and Michael Jackson, huh?

[ZOOM OUT to show Liberace on the left and Michael on the right. Both guys are wearing similar white sequined shirts. Audience howls with laughter as Liberace offers a finger wave.]

Lenny: [to Liberace] HEY, hey, Lee, hey, Lee, you ever PUT it to Ann-Margaret, huh? Hey, all right…

Liberace: Well, Len, she’s not really my kind of girl.

Lenny: Yeah, yeah, huh? Well, what kind of “Lee” does Liberace–what kind of woman does, uh, Liberace like?

Liberace: Well, I like them plump and blonde. And with a good set of watermelons. [grins]

Lenny: Hey, I know what you mean, Lee, all right. Hey, you’re in Vegas all the time with those showgirls, huh, talk about BAZOOMS over there, huh? [indicates breasts] Hey, hey, Lee, did you ever go “brumsky”? Brrrrrrrrrrr… [shakes head and flaps his lips] “Brumsky,” huh, huh?

Liberace: Well, no… but I like to have the ladies sit upon my piano and, uh, work the pedals while I dazzle them with the finger work. [wiggles fingers and grins]

Lenny: WHOOO! All right, way ta go, that’s what we’re talkin’ about here. Now Michael, Michael, look–I understand, understand here that Diana Ross discovered you. Hey, hey, you ever discover her, huh? [sticks out his hand and twists it]

Michael Jackson: [in falsetto] Let’s just say than when Diana and I… [audience squeals with laughter] …did “The Wiz,” that I took her over the rainbow lots of times myself.

Lenny: All right, I hear ya. [snickers] I hear ya.

Michael Jackson: You know, Ciccilone, I like a girl that’s really into rough stuff, you know?

Lenny: Yeah, yeah, I know–like Lee, hey, y’know, a macho guy like you, ya find that that macho image, that scares the chicks off, does it, huh?

Liberace: Well, I think that the only thing a woman is scared of, is that she’s not going to get enough–and believe me, Lee always leaves them satisfied.

[laughter]

Michael Jackson: Marvelous!

Lenny: Hey, uh, Lee, you railed a lotta broads. You ever leave ’em a little PRESENT, y’know what I’m talkin’ about, there? [indicates pregnant stomach]

Liberace: Oh, ha ha ha ha. Well, let’s just say there are a lot of kids all over the country with surprising musical ability.

Lenny: Hey, I’m gonna ask you both this. I’m a regular guy, right? So, say I wanna like, y’know hit on a woman, there. What do I gotta say to allow her — so I can jump her bones, eh? What do I gotta say?

Michael Jackson: You know, it’s funny you use that expression “jump her bones.” You know, that’s exactly what I say to a girl when I wanna get to know her. I walk up to her and I say, “Hey, baby, I’ve got to jump your bones.” Nine of the times, I get my face slapped, but that tenth one: it’s magic. It’s wonderful.

[laughter]

Liberace: [nodding] Yes.

Lenny: Well, Lee, Lee, what kind of bouillon do YOU peddle over there?

Liberace: Well… I think APPEARANCE is very important. I — I like to dress nice – that turns a woman on. Then I show her my house. [ snickers ] The next think you know, the panties are hanging on the candelabra, and she’s screaming, “Lee, Lee, oh God, you’re good!” [ snickers, then laughs loudly ]

Lenny: Then you move, you move outta there, right?

Liberace: Absolutely.

Lenny: Yeah.

Michael Jackson: That’s the only way to go: “Slam, bam, thank you ma’am!” [laughs]

Lenny: All right, all right. Hey, y’know, that’s all the time we got here for tonight. But join us next week for “Guy Talk” when we’ll be talking to Quentin Crisp and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Take care!

[Lenny pumps his fist as Liberace and Michael reach across to shake hands. FADE to “GUY TALK” logo, then FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 11

82k: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas / The Bus Boys

Goodnights

…..Rick Moranis
…..Dave Thomas

Rick Moranis: Thank you very much.

Dave Thomas: Well —

Rick Moranis: Thank you, Dick Ebersol. Thank you, everybody here.

Dave Thomas: Thanks a lot!

Rick Moranis: It was a great week, we had a great time, thanks so much!

[ zoom out as the cast waves goodnight underneath the credits ]

Don Pardo V/O: Join us next week on “Saturday Night Live”, with musical guest Joe Cocker! Our host will be the legendary Sid Caesar! I wonder if Sid remembers that I, Don Pardo, was the announcer on “Your Show of Shows” in 1953 – or was it 1952? Or was it Milton Berle? In any case, it was my favorte year! This is Don Pardo saying: “Good night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 11



Search Now:

82k: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas / The Bus Boys

Gerry Todd’s Porta-Dish

Gerry Todd…..Rick Moranis

[ open on Gerry Todd in a control booth facing away from the camera, staring into a bank of television sets broadcasting various feeds, including several of himself staring at the television sets ]

Gerry Todd: Ha ha ha ha ha! [ turns around ] How are you? Grry Todd with ya’! You know – you know, video has come a long way since the days of the Big Three networks. Why, with today’s cable, you can get thirty, forty, maybe fifty channels. But if you’re a videophile like me, you’ll find that even isn’t enough. Well, thanks to satellite transmission, there are now literally thousands of broadcasts going on every hour, all around the world. Now, I know what you’re saying – you’re saying, “Gerry, how the heck can I afford to get those broadcasts on those dishes, they’re darn expensive!”

Well! Take a looksie at this: [ holds up a china eating dish with a thing sticking out of the middle ] This is a new dish that anyone can afford. It’s a new portable model, it’s unbelievable! It does everything the big ones do, plus it comes in dozens of patterns, it’s completely unbreakable, and it’s dishwasher-safe! And wait ’til you see the things that this baby pulls in!

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on festive muzak and a blue screen filled with a scrolling list of city names and percentages – ex. “Boston. . . . . .45%” and “Cairo. . . . . .3%” ]

Gerry Todd V/O: Now, this is the Humidity Chanel. It’s a kind of a spin-off from the Weather Channel. Boy, it’s dry in Cairo, isn’t it? That’s handy to know! 56 in Europe.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on a couple of women flipping upside-down on trampolines, with the superimposed number “1,215,754” rising by one digit with each flip ]

Oh, now, this is the Trampoline Channel. This is from Czechoslavakia, this.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on a man walking through a Western scene firing a rifle ]

Oh, this is the Rifleman Channel. They run these 24 hours a day – I’ve got all these on VHS already, though.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on a microscopic slide images ]

Oh, now this is almost educational – this is the Microbiology Channel. It’s fun to turn down the sound, do your own narrations with these.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on a scrolling list of alphabetized names – ex. “Jim Fish”, “Jim L. Fish”, “Joe Bob Fish”, “Vern Fish”, “Vern Fish, Jr.”, “Vern Bob Fish”, etc. ]

Oh, now this is the Census Channel. Your name comes up about once every six months.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on an old black-and-white movie with mangled subtitles ]

Man in Film: That I don’t know. [ subtitle: “Taht I dont wonk.” ] By the way… [ subtitle: “Yb the yaw…” ]

Gerry Todd: Now, this is interesting – this is the Dyslexia Channel.

Man in Film: How did Tom and Betty make out today? [ subtitle: “Who dod Mot and Tebby mak out toady?” ]

Woman in Film: They’ve taken their new assignment very seriously. [ subtitle: “Thr taken or noo angsiment vy cereal.” ]

Gerry Todd: It’s closed-captioning for dyslexics.

Woman in Film: They worked all afternoon. [ subtitle: “Hey word al antlerfoon.” ]

Gerry Todd: I think that’s kind of a good public service, myself.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on native Africans dancing with spears to Toni Basil’s “Mickey” ]

Now, this is “African Bandstand.” Ah, Dick Clark produces that out of Zimbabwe, Rhodesia.

[ cut back to Gerry Todd in the control booth ]

Gerry Todd: It’s the Porta-Dish! Thousands of channels. It comes in paper for parties, two sets for your Jewish friends. You’ll need never — [ audience bursts into laughter and applause ] You’ll need never leave the house again!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 11


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Air Date:

Host:



Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 29th, 1983

Rick Moranis

Dave Thomas

The Bus Boys

None

None
Bob Hope’s Superbowl PartySummary: A nervous Woody Allen (Rick Moranis) breaks the fourth wall to question the motives of Bob Hope (Dave Thomas) and Frank Sinatra (Joe Piscopo) when they ask him to help re-elect Ronald Reagan in 1984.

Recurring Characters: Bob Hope, Woody Allen, Frank Sinatra.

Transcript

Montage

The McKenzie Brothers’ MonologueSummary: Bob (Rick Moranis) and Doug McKenzie (Dave Thomas) are angered that Don Pardo gave their hotel address to SNL viewers.

The McKenzie Brothers in New York CitySummary: In a filmed segment, Bob (Rick Moranis) and Doug McKenzie (Dave Thomas) observe the landmarks in New York City.

The WhinersSummary: Doug (Joe Piscopo) and Wendy Whiner (Robin Duke) are held hostage during a bank robbery, which culminates with doug taking a bullet.

Recurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner.

I’ll Be the Judge of ThatSummary: Angry poet Tyrone Green (Eddie Murphy) is the winning contestant on Dick Cavett’s (Rick Moranis) new game show, where all the questions and answers are based on Cavett’s own intellect level.

Recurring Characters: Tyrone Green.

Transcript

The Bus Boys perform “The Boys Are Back In Town”Note: Eddie Murphy joins the band during their performance.

“Hitchcock Hygiene”

Guy TalkSummary: Lenny Ciccilone (Joe Piscopo) chats with a couple of real guys – Liberace (Dave Thomas) and Michael Jackson (Michael Jackson).

Recurring Characters: Liberace, Michael Jackson.

Transcript

Gerry Todd’s Porta-DishSummary: Entrepreneur Gerry Todd (Rick Moranis) shows how to pick up a satellite television signal on a simple china dinner dish.

Transcript

Saturday Night News with Brad HallSummary: Joe Piscopo Sports. Dr. Ruth Westheimer (Mary Gross). Eddie Murphy. Walter Cronkite (Dave Thomas) critiques Brad Hall’s closing salutations.

Recurring Characters: Dr. Ruth Westheimer, Walter Cronkite.

Hell Bent For Glory

Ed McMahon For RentSummary: A partygoer’s (Gary Kroeger) lame jokes only interest the crowd after he hires Ed McMahon (Joe Piscopo) to yuk it up at his side.

Recurring Characters: Ed McMahon.

Five Minutes To ReflectSummary: Rabbi Morton Karloff (Rick Moranis) delivers a sermon on the Five Books of Moses.

Transcript

Ronco Biological Watch

The Bus Boys perform “New Shoes”

Don’t Hitch-HikeSummary: A hitchhiker (Tim Kazurinsky) thinks his luck has changed when an attractive scantily-clad woman picks him up off the side of the road, until their sexual explorations cause them to tumble off a cliff.

Note: Repeat from 10/02/82.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 10


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 22nd, 1983

Lily Tomlin

None

Andy Kaufman

Clint Smith
Big Star Eddie Murphy

Montage

Lily Tomlin’s Monologue

Public Survival Announcement

Ma Bell Saleswoman

Speaking as a WomanRecurring Characters: Michael Nash, Dustin Hoffman, Joan Rivers.

A Public Service Announcement

Edith Ann’s Storytime

Solomon’s New CoatRecurring Characters: Pudge, Solomon.

Bag Lady Trudy in the Audience

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer.

Pervis Hawkins Sings

FantasyRecurring Characters: Leslie Uggams.

The Irish Radio HourRecurring Characters: Siobhan Cahill, Father Timothy Owens.

Coffees of the World

Jogger MotelNote: Repeat from 10/31/81.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

Rubik’s Grenade

Narrator: First there was Rubik’s Cube – baffling.

Then there was Rubik’s Snake – ingenious.

Next there was Rubik’s Revenge – mind bending.

Now comes the ultimate challenge – Rubik’s Grenade. The thrill of a lifetime in the palm of you hand. Just scramble the colors, pull the pin, and then begin. You’ve got exactly ten seconds to put those colors back in order.

[Shows a pair of hands desperately trying to solve the puzzle]

Rubik’s Grenade. Maybe the last puzzle you’ll never solve.

[A huge explosion is heard as smoke fills the screen]

Just in time for Christmas.

Submitted by: Larry Petit

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

Eddie Murphy’s Monologue

…..Eddie Murphy

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, EddieMurphy!

Eddie Murphy: Thank you. Thank you. Ah, it’s -it’s good to be back in New York, uh … And it’s– itwas fun working with these kids this week, I had a great time. … I really can’t believe how hard they work here on this show and it’s like – it was, like, watching the process, seeing them pull together was a lot of fun for me, a nice experience. And a lot of things have been happening in my life right now. I just recorded a comedy album, I have a movie out called 48 Hours and things have–

I just moved into a house on Long Island which is very spooky. [cheers and applause for Long Island] LongIsland! Old, uh, Jewish man died in my house. … And it’s a Jewish ghost in my house which is very nerve-wracking. You’re walkin’ through the house and you hear: [old Jewish man’s voice] “Boo! … Get off my lawn, you schwartze! … [cheers and applause]Boo-ooo! I’m under the bed now! …. Or maybe I’m not. Who knows? Maybe. I could be. Who cares? … I could be under the bed.”

[normal voice] It’s real scary. You know what I was wondering about movies? I was watching those movies –I’m moving out of my house, I was watching movies like Poltergeist and Amityville Horror. Why don’t the people just get the hell out of the house?… You can’t make a horror movie with black people init ‘cuz the movie’d stop, you’d see niggers runnin’ down the street, the movie’s over! … That’s the movie. You can’t have a movie like that. See, white people, you all sit on the toilet, see blood in the toilet, and you all go get Ajax. … Brothers won’t sit on the toilet. … Movie be just like this:[brother’s voice] “Wow, baby, this is beautiful. We got chandelier hangin’ up here, kids outside playin’, it’s a beautiful neighborhood, I really love – this is beaut–” [demonic whisper] “Get out!” [brother’svoice] “Too bad we can’t stay.” [instantly spins, starts walking upstage] … [cheers and applause, Eddie returns to face the crowd, wipes hisnose]

My nose is runnin’ and I don’t want to look– people thinking’ I’m nasty. I have a cold. … I was playin’ ball today. You ever play basketball when you have a cold? And make a fast move and snot shoot out at ya?[whips his head around, pretends to get hit in the eye by a cold blob of snot] … Ah, that was in bad taste,I shouldn’t’ve did it. But it was funny, so what? …

Here’s some more stuff in bad taste. [pulls sunglasses out of pocket, puts them on, does his Stevie Wonderimpression, head rocking slowly from side to side] …[cheers and applause, Eddie as Stevie claps his hands and croons wordlessly, then he takes off the glasses and laughs] The brothers don’t like when you do Stevie. … Brother be sayin’: [angry brother voice]”HEY, MAN, THAT’S NOT FUNNY! … STEVIE IS BLIND, MAN![wipes his nose with the sleeve of his jacket] … DO’EM AGAIN, YOU GON’ GET HURT!” [But Eddie puts the glasses back on and plays Stevie again] …[applause]

[normal voice] Stevie Wonder likes the impression! That’s why I do it. I met Stevie Wonder in Atlanta. He liked it. Don’t think like Stevie’s sittin’ home in his living room goin’: [sad voice] “Wow, I’m blind. That’s messed up, man.” … [normal voice] He’s not. Stevie’s a very happy person. You see him smilin’ all the time. I say, “Stevie, why you so happy?” He say,”‘Cuz I’m rich, that’s why.” … Stevie’s very happy.

He walked up to me in Atlanta, too. He walks up to me, he goes: [as Stevie Wonder] “Eddie, if you – ever imitate me again – I’ll kick your behind.” …[removes glasses, normal voice, supercool] Needless to say, I wasn’t afraid. … I’d kill Stevie Wonder in a fight. … [suddenly starts shadowboxing with an imaginary Stevie Wonder] Step off, Steve! Step off![with his back to the audience, Eddie throws a punch]BIFF! [Eddie spins around as Stevie, in a boxing stance, his dark glasses crooked on his nose as if hehad just taken a punch in the face ] “Aw, you shouldn’t ‘a’ did that!” … [Eddie as Stevie bobs and weaves with fists in the air like a boxer, cheers and applause, Eddie stops, breaks into a smile, takes off the glasses, normal voice] You’re a lot of fun! Watch the show! Stick around! Thank you. [Eddie basks in the huge cheers and applause as we fade out]

Submitted Anonymously

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 14


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Air Date:

Host:



Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 26th, 1983

Beau Bridges

Jeff Bridges

Randy Newman

None

Lloyd Bridges

Andy Murphy

Joe Dicso

Clint Smith

Howard Hesseman
Childhood Stories

Montage

Beau & Jeff Bridges’ Monologue

TexxonTranscript

Problem Pimple

Rick’s Cafe

Randy Newman performs “I Love L.A.”

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Dr. Ruth Westheimer.

Time Magazine

Cheap Hunt

Battered Husband

Saundra’s House of Massage

Randy Newman performs “Real Emotional Girl”

Guy Crazy

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 14

82n: Beau & Jeff Bridges / Randy Newman

Texxon

Voice-over: A new community center for senior citizens. A lifesaving clinic for treating athsmatic children. A free job training program for unemployed veterans. What do they all have in common?

(Texxon logo shown on screen)

Texxon oil. Grants from the Texxon foundation paid for them all.

(shows news magazines with front-page stories about extravangant oil company profits)

So when we hear a lot of loose talk about “price fixing” and “windfallprofits,” it worries us. We want to go on helping the needy.

(cut to scene of protesters in front of Capitol Hill, demanding regulations and taxes on oil companies)

So the next time you take an irresponsible swipe at an oil company,remember, who’s going to feel the pinch first?

Elderly man: If anything happens to the oil depletion allowance, I’m as good as dead.

Unemployed Veteran: If these dudes don’t get some offshore oil leases, I’ll be back on the streets. And I’ll be mad.

Athsmatic Little Girl: Please don’t pull the plug on me. Support the deregulation of natural gas.

(background music turns dramatic, logo and motto appear on screen)

Voice-over: Texxon. Do what we say, and nobody gets hurt.

Submitted by: Tony Dumont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 15


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 12th, 1983

Bruce Dern

Leon Redbone

None

None
Drunken Gary

Montage

Bruce Dern’s Monologue

Buckwheat JeansRecurring Characters: Buckwheat.

Transcript

Donny & Marie St. Patrick’s Day SpecialRecurring Characters: Donnie Osmond, Marie Osmond.

Special ReportRecurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Buckwheat, Alfalfa.

Transcript

The Home for Disgusting Practices

Leon Redbone performs “Sweet Sue”

The Buckwheat StoryTranscript

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky, Siobhan Cahill.

Leprechaun StoryRecurring Characters: Gumby.

Old Jew Beer

Old Negro Beer

Nerdy Traits

Old Chinaman Beer

Jerry Lewis School of Manners

Leon Redbone performs “When You Wish Upon A Star” & “I Ain’t Got Nobody”

Schliemer and Laub SongwritersRecurring Characters: Harry Schliemer, Moe Laub.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts