Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 8: Episode 1
82a: Chevy Chase / Queen
Felice Sloan-Duchamps…..Robin Duke
Tyrone Green…..Eddie Murphy
Man #1…..Brad Hall
Man #2…..Gary Kroeger
[open on a fancy gallery setting with a buffet table and many upper-class society types]
Felice: Ladies. Ladies and gentlemen. Please, if I could have your attention. As you know, every fall we here at the Felice Sloan-Duchamps Gallery take pride in debuting the creme de la creme of the New York arts scene. At that is why it is today that with great joy I introduce to you that Harlem Renaissance man, the artistic mouthpiece of the black community, artist, poet, and felon, author of the famed “Kill My Landlord,” Tyrone Green!
[applause from the crowd as Tryone enters]
Tyrone: Thank you Felice whatever your damn name is. I’m-a let you bougie white people know something. I’m in here speaking to y’all, but I don’t like being here talking to you bougie white trash.
Man #1: He speaks with such candor.
Woman: Brutally direct.
Tyrone: I’d rather be at home on my houseboat on the Harlem River, secluded from the people, creating my art.
Felice: Oh, well, Tryone, why don’t we just go around here piece by piece, and you can describe some of your work?
Tyrone: Okay, bitch.
[they walk to a black canvas with images of a radio, sneakers, and a bag of Fritos]
Tyrone: I call this one, “Rodney Johnson’s Bad Luck.”
Man #2: Mr. Green, what does this represent.
Tyrone: You wanna buy this painting, man?
Man #1: [turns to Man #2] Well, yes, we were considering it for our study.
Tyrone: What does it represent? It represents that Tyrone Green no longer has his radio, and his sneakers and his Fritos is gone.
Woman: Well, what exactly was Mr. Johnson’s bad luck?
Tyrone: He fell asleep on my couch when I was in a bad mood.
Man #2: What a concept!
Felice: [beckons everybody over to a green canvas with images of a whstle, badge, and hat] Now, Tyrone, I believe that this piece is entitled, “Sleeping Security Guard at the A&P.” Now, can you tell us a little bit about it?
Tyrone: It’s just that. A security guard fell asleep at the A&P, so he no longer has his whistle, and his badge and his hat is gone. The situation is also as such.
Man #1: Brilliant, that is art!
Man #2: The man is clearly a genius. Why, this is the greatest work since Warhol. It really is.
Felice: [escorts Tyrone and the rest of the group towards a blue canvas with images of a jacket, glasses, and a briefcase] Now, Tryone, tell us what was your inspiration for this?
Tyrone: This is my favorite one. I call it “Smart-Ass White Boy Blue.” I got the inspiration when I was coming home from work the other day, and I saw this smart-ass white by. I thought I’d bring him down. So his situation is also as such, as you can see.
Felice: [brings the group back to the table] Well, everbody, now we’d like to open the floor to some questions.
Woman: Mr. Green! Mr. Green! Have you ever considered studying in Paris or, say, one of the other major art capitals of the world?
Tyrone: No, I hate Puerto Ricans.
Man #1: Mr. Green, you’re obviously such a Renaissance man. You paint, you write poetry. What’s next for you?
Tyrone: Windsurfing. And I’m currently writing a screenplay.
[the crowd applauds appreciatively]
Woman: How did you get interested in conceptual art?
Tyrone: I was living with a white woman, much like yourself, and her husband died. He had many paintbrushes and sets of glue about the house.
Man #1: Tyrone, now everyone here knows that you’re most famous for writing “Kill My Landlord.” Do you suppose that you could recite that for us?
Tyrone: No! Shut up! I will recite my latest poem that I wrote about you bougie white trash scum. It’s called “I Hate White People” by Tyrone Green.
I hate the sunlight and I hate the night.
I hate white people because they is white.
Their hair is wavy, their lips is thin,
But worse than white women, I hate white men.
Walking around with briefcase and money,
Bust they head open, my ain’t that funny?
Not out of anger and not out of spite.
I just hate whitey because they is white.
[attendees applaud and ask for autographs]
Submitted by: DavidK93