SNL Transcripts: Chevy Chase: 09/25/82: Tyrone Green

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 1

82a: Chevy Chase / Queen

Tyrone Green

Felice Sloan-Duchamps…..Robin Duke
Tyrone Green…..Eddie Murphy
Man #1…..Brad Hall
Woman…..Mary Gross
Man #2…..Gary Kroeger

[open on a fancy gallery setting with a buffet table and many upper-class society types]

Felice: Ladies. Ladies and gentlemen. Please, if I could have your attention. As you know, every fall we here at the Felice Sloan-Duchamps Gallery take pride in debuting the creme de la creme of the New York arts scene. At that is why it is today that with great joy I introduce to you that Harlem Renaissance man, the artistic mouthpiece of the black community, artist, poet, and felon, author of the famed “Kill My Landlord,” Tyrone Green!

[applause from the crowd as Tryone enters]

Tyrone: Thank you Felice whatever your damn name is. I’m-a let you bougie white people know something. I’m in here speaking to y’all, but I don’t like being here talking to you bougie white trash.

Man #1: He speaks with such candor.

Woman: Brutally direct.

Tyrone: I’d rather be at home on my houseboat on the Harlem River, secluded from the people, creating my art.

Felice: Oh, well, Tryone, why don’t we just go around here piece by piece, and you can describe some of your work?

Tyrone: Okay, bitch.

[they walk to a black canvas with images of a radio, sneakers, and a bag of Fritos]

Tyrone: I call this one, “Rodney Johnson’s Bad Luck.”

Man #2: Mr. Green, what does this represent.

Tyrone: You wanna buy this painting, man?

Man #1: [turns to Man #2] Well, yes, we were considering it for our study.

Tyrone: What does it represent? It represents that Tyrone Green no longer has his radio, and his sneakers and his Fritos is gone.

Woman: Well, what exactly was Mr. Johnson’s bad luck?

Tyrone: He fell asleep on my couch when I was in a bad mood.

Man #2: What a concept!

Felice: [beckons everybody over to a green canvas with images of a whstle, badge, and hat] Now, Tyrone, I believe that this piece is entitled, “Sleeping Security Guard at the A&P.” Now, can you tell us a little bit about it?

Tyrone: It’s just that. A security guard fell asleep at the A&P, so he no longer has his whistle, and his badge and his hat is gone. The situation is also as such.

Man #1: Brilliant, that is art!

Man #2: The man is clearly a genius. Why, this is the greatest work since Warhol. It really is.

Felice: [escorts Tyrone and the rest of the group towards a blue canvas with images of a jacket, glasses, and a briefcase] Now, Tryone, tell us what was your inspiration for this?

Tyrone: This is my favorite one. I call it “Smart-Ass White Boy Blue.” I got the inspiration when I was coming home from work the other day, and I saw this smart-ass white by. I thought I’d bring him down. So his situation is also as such, as you can see.

Felice: [brings the group back to the table] Well, everbody, now we’d like to open the floor to some questions.

Woman: Mr. Green! Mr. Green! Have you ever considered studying in Paris or, say, one of the other major art capitals of the world?

Tyrone: No, I hate Puerto Ricans.

Man #1: Mr. Green, you’re obviously such a Renaissance man. You paint, you write poetry. What’s next for you?

Tyrone: Windsurfing. And I’m currently writing a screenplay.

[the crowd applauds appreciatively]

Woman: How did you get interested in conceptual art?

Tyrone: I was living with a white woman, much like yourself, and her husband died. He had many paintbrushes and sets of glue about the house.

Man #1: Tyrone, now everyone here knows that you’re most famous for writing “Kill My Landlord.” Do you suppose that you could recite that for us?

Tyrone: No! Shut up! I will recite my latest poem that I wrote about you bougie white trash scum. It’s called “I Hate White People” by Tyrone Green.

I hate the sunlight and I hate the night.
I hate white people because they is white.
Their hair is wavy, their lips is thin,
But worse than white women, I hate white men.
Walking around with briefcase and money,
Bust they head open, my ain’t that funny?
Not out of anger and not out of spite.
I just hate whitey because they is white.
W-I-T-E people.0

[attendees applaud and ask for autographs]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Chevy Chase: 09/25/82: John Hinckley For President

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 1

82a: Chevy Chase / Queen

John Hinckley For President

John Hinckley…..Brad Hall

[open on John Hinckley holding a pillow and sitting against a white stucco wall]

John Hinckley: You know, it’s a crazy world out there. Most Americans are finding it hard just to make sense of it all. In this time of shattered morals, it’s inspirational to see that we can still look up with great pride to that great beacon of the American way: justice for all. Even for a lunatic like me. My name is John Hinckley. [stands and his setting is revealed to be a room in an asylum] On March 30, 1981, I shot the President of the United States and three other people in order to impress a girl. I know that sounds like a terrible thing to do, but I’m completely crazy. I’m insane, and I can’t be held responsible for my actions. Sending a John Hinckley like myself to an institution instead of some wretched prison is the American way. This reaffirmation of the American dream proves that our system works. But only a wacko can see how it works. I am that wacko, and to prove it I am today officially entering the race for the presidency of the United States of America. I winged Reagan in the streets. I’m gonna knock him dead in the polls. And then, my girlfriend Jodie can assume her rightful place as First Lady of this great and powerful nation. I want to be president for Jodie because I’m in love and I’m crazy. Crazy about the United States. Crazy about my girlfriend, Jodie. Crazy about the prsidency. And crazy about you, the American people. You don’t have to wonder what kind of president I’m gonna be. My record speaks for itself. I’ll do anything for love. [bursts into song] Won’t forget / Can’t regret / What I’ll do for love!

[image of John Hinckley becomes smaller and is surrounded by a blue border that is widest on the bottom and on which part appears the title: “John Hinckley for President”]

Voice Over: John Hinckley for President, paid for by people who have their cake and eat it too.

Submited by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts