For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
May 12th, 1984
Billy Crystal
Ed Koch
Edwin Newman
Father Guido Sarducci
Betty Thomas
The Cars
Timothy Hutton
Joel Hodgson
Recurring Characters: Sammy Davis, Jr. Frank Sinatra.(Repeat) See: 04/07/84.Recurring Characters: Worthington Clotman.Recurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky, Fernando.
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
April 7th, 1984
Michael Douglas
Deniece Williams
Kenny Loggins
Recurring Characters: Wayne Huevos.(Repeat) See: 02/19/83.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 16
83p: Michael Douglas / Deniece Williams
Foldgers Crystals
Patient #1 …. Mary Gross
Patient #2 …. Gary Kroeger
Spokesman: We’re here at New York’s famous Metropolitan University Hospital, which treats patients from all over the world.
[ Cut to Spokesman inside the hospital, walking among nurses and doctors ]Spokesman: Here in the hospital’s intensive care unit, the supply of blood can make the difference between life … and death.
[ Cut to Spokesman in a hospital room, next to a patient in bed ]Spokesman: Today, we’re secretly replacing the fine blood these patients normally live on …
[ Cut to Spokesman holding up the product ]Spokesman: … with Foldger’s Crystals.
[ Cut to a shot of the crystals being spooned and stirred in a coffee pot-shaped intravenous ]Spokesman: Are dark, sparkling Foldger’s Crystals rich enough to keep these patients alive and well? Let’s watch.
[ Cut to a shot of the patient’s arm – the liquid in the IV tube turns from dark red to dark brown. Cut to Spokesman next to patient ]Spokesman: How do you feel?
Patient #1: Fine, thank you.
Spokesman: Did you know that we’ve replaced all of your blood with Foldger’s Crystals?
Patient #1: In instant?
Spokesman: That’s right.
Patient #1: I can’t believe it. I feel great. I’m full of Foldger’s Crystals, really?
Spokesman: Yes, and so are all the other patients in this intensive care unit. How do you all feel?
[ The other patients show reactions of approval ]Other patients: Great! Terrific! Pretty good! Thumbs up!
[ Cut to Spokesman holding up the product again ]Spokesman: Foldger’s Crystals. A coffee rich enough to replace human blood.
[ Fade to black ]Submitted by: G. Gomez
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 16
83p: Michael Douglas / Deniece Williams
The Garage Band
Nina Blackwood …. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Garage Band member #1 …. Brad Hall
Garage Band member #2 …. Jim Belushi
Garage Band member #3 …. Gary Kroeger
Agent (in video) …. Tim Kazurinsky
Chick (in video) …. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Nina Blackwood: Welcome back! I’m Nina Blackwood on MTV, your music station! I’m in the studio with the Garage Band and their world premiere vid-e-o! All right! Ahoy there boys, what’s happening?
Garage Band members: All right! All right!
Garage Band member #2: We are the Garage Band, and we are number ONE!
Garage Band member #1: We have ARRIVED! Yeah!
Garage Band member #2: Right!
Nina Blackwood: This is great! OWWWWWCH! I love to meet new bands, and you are hhhhhhhhh-HOT-ah!
Garage Band members: “Hhhhhhh-HOT!” [ they react in excitement ]
Nina Blackwood: Okay guys, what’s your record label?
[ The band becomes somewhat sheepish ]Garage Band member #1: Well, we uh … we don’t exactly have a recording contract or anything. Yet! Yet.
Garage Band member #3: We got a great cover, though! [ displays the cover of their album, and they all make sure the viewer sees it ]
Garage Band members: [ pointing to the album cover ] Check this out! Look at the cover! All right! This is a GREAT cover!
Nina Blackwood: Oh, so now uh, so this is your first record?
[ Awkward pause ]Garage Band member #3: Well, it will be when we cut it. [ the other two nod in agreement ]
Nina Blackwood: You mean, you guys haven’t cut an album yet?
Garage Band member #1: Well — twelve songs is a lot to write.
Garage Band member #2: An awful lot. — But we got a VIDEO!
Garage Band members: Yeah! All right! It’s good!
Nina Blackwood: All right! Cookin’! I cannot WAIT to see it! Let’s roll the tape. World premiere vid-e-o from the Garage Band!
[ The Garage Band members writhe in excitement as their video comes on ] [ SUPER: “LOOK AT OUR VIDEO” / THE GARAGE BAND / NO RECORD LABEL, YET ] [ The video begins with a shot of an old man washing the back of a 1957 Ford Fairlane 500 Convertible. He perks his ear up as he hears … ]Garage Band member #1: [ off camera ] ONE! TWO! One two three …
[ The old man drops his sponge into the bucket on the first downbeat. Cut to a smoke-induced shot of all three Garage Band members in a garage, rocking out with an additional bassist and drummer, as their song begins to play. As the song plays, we cut three close-ups of each member]Garage Band: [ singing ] Look at our video, video, video,
Plenty of close-ups to make us look good.
Garage Band: [ singing ] Look at our video, video, video.
Don’t like our music? Well, look at these chicks!
Garage Band: [ singing ] We just want to sell records. (whoa-oh)
We just want to get rich.
We just want to sell records. (whoa-oh)
We just want to get chicks.
Garage Band: [ singing ] Our agent called us this morning.
He said “You’ve gotta make a video, boys.
And if it’s good enough, you’ll be on MTV
And all the kids will start buying your noise.”
Garage Band: [ singing ] So we rented and camera and we stole this car,
And now it’s lights, cameras, action, guitars!
Garage Band: [ singing ] So if you’re looking for us, we’ll be on MTV,
‘Cause we’re the number one video stars.So BUY IT!
Garage Band: [ rapping ] Roses are red, violets for grapes.
We borrowed money for a video tape.
We’re so cool. Check out this action.
We can all move like Michael Jackson.
Eeny, meeny, miney, moe.
How do you like our video?
We got the cameras, we got the dough,
We’ll show you all the video tricks we know!
Garage Band: Like special effects …
[ Back to the chicks in a sexy pose; the guitar gives a wolf-whistle ]Garage Band: And chicks!
[ Cut to a slow-motion shot of Garage Band member #3 combing his hair ]Garage Band: Slow-mo!
[ Back to the chicks, who toss facial pads at the camera; the guitar gives a wolf-whistle ]Garage Band: And chicks!
[ Cut to Garage Band member #1 posing by the convertible as the motor roars ]Garage Band: CARS!!
[ Back to the chicks, who roll their eyes and blow their hair upwards. ]Garage Band: And chicks!
[ The band members appear behind them, dressed as ZZ Top and playing guitars ]Garage Band: Guitars!
[ Cut to a shot of baby chickens, with a “wah-wah” sound from the keyboard ]Garage Band: And chicks!
[ Cut to a smoke-induced, silhouetted shot of Julia in chains, writhing as the Garage Band members wave their guitars around as weapons ]Garage Band: Sex … and … VIOLENCE!!!
[ They all fall to the ground as she looks confused. Cut to Garage Band member #1 performing a guitar “lick” with his tongue, then throwing it through a wall of glass towards the camera ]Garage Band: Guitars!
[ Cut to Garage Band member #2, holding a keytar, sustaining one note ]Garage Band: Keyboards!
[ Cut to Garage Band member #3, who plays the saxophone for one brief off-key note ]Garage Band: Sax!
[ Cut back to the garage, where a doctor examines all their mouths with a tongue depressor, as they all say “ahhh” in corresponding harmonies. Julia appears by them, giving a wink. ] [ Cut to the band in another smoke-induced part of the garage, coming towards the camera and waving their instruments, with a brief strobe effect. ]Garage Band: [ singing ] We just want to sell records. (whoa-oh)
We just want to get rich.
We just want to sell records. (whoa-oh)
We just want to get chicks.
Garage Band: [ singing ] We just want to sell records. (whoa-oh)
We just want to get rich.
We just want to sell records. (whoa-oh)
We just want to get chicks.
Garage Band: [ singing ] We just want to sell records. (whoa-oh)
We just want to get rich.
We just want to sell records. (whoa-oh)
We just want to get chicks.
Garage Band: [ singing ] We just want to sell records. (whoa-oh)
We just want to get rich.
We just want to sell records. (whoa-oh)
We just want to get chicks.
Nina Blackwood: All right! Okay!
Garage Band member #2: Dig all those chicks! Chicks are great!
Nina Blackwood: There you are! The Garage Band vid-e-o! Hhhhhhh-HOT-ah!
Garage Band members: “Hhhhhhh-HOT-ah!”
Nina Blackwood: I hope you boys have a lot of luck with it!
Garage Band member #1: No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, there’s more! You still haven’t seen “The Making of the Garage Band Video!”
Garage Band member #2: Very good, very good.
Nina Blackwood: Okay, guys, maybe some other time.
Garage Band member #2: Wait a minute — maybe some other time — that sounds like a song.
Garage Band member #1: “Maybe Some Other Time”!
Garage Band member #2: One, two, three —
Garage Band member #1: [ starts making up a song on the spot with the other members ] Maybe some other time, (wait, wait) maybe some other time, (that’s it, that’s it) exchanging glances, maybe some other– we’ll work on it.
Garage Band member #2: We’re gonna work on that.
Garage Band member #3: We can write.
Nina Blackwood: Okay! All right! Well now, right now it is now time for somebody to come between you … and your allowance.
Garage Band member #1: [ whispers to camera, gives thumbs up as she talks ] The Garage Band. We’re the Garage Band.
Nina Blackwood: Until later, adios!
[ The MTV logo takes up the screen. Fade to black. ]Submitted by: G. Gomez
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 16
83p: Michael Douglas / Deniece Williams
MTV Music News
Nina Blackwood …. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Nina Blackwood: Aloha! This is Nina Blackwood. [ waits for the applause ] All right! Thank you! And I’ll be doing a special interview with a brand new band with a world premiere vid-e-o! But first, here’s some music news.
[ picture of John Cougar Mellencamp appears on the monitor ]John Cougar Mellencamp has just announced that he is changin’ his name again. Me-OW! From now on he’s gonna be known as John Cougar Mellencamp Kahuna Walla Walla Niki Pooga Weenie! Okay!
[ picture of ZZ Top appears on the monitor ]And following the success of our “Lost Weekend with Van Halen” contest, MTV has plans for a Lost Weekend with ZZ Top — All right! — where some lucky viewer gets to spend two wild days vacationing in one of the band’s beards. Fun.
[ the MTV “astronaut” logo appears on the monitor ]That’s the music news! We’ll be back with a special interview and a world premiere video, right after somebody tries to sell you, something …
[ Fade to the “Foldger’s Crystals” commercial ]Submitted by: G. Gomez
Price & Waterhouse
Voice on Intercom…..Mary Gross
Waterhouse…..Jim Belushi
Price…..Tim Kazurinsky
Man…..Brad Hall
Woman…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
[ open on interior, Price & Waterhouse’s private office; Waterhouse sits behind the desk, Price leans in from the front ] [ intercom buzzes ]
Waterhouse: [ presses button ] Yes?
Intercom: Mr. Price? Mr. Waterhouse? They’re here.
Waterhouse: Thank you.
[ Waterhouse walks over to the vaulted door, works an upper combination lock, a lower combination lock, spins the handle and opens the vault door ] [ a dark-suited, shaded, man handcuffed to a steel briefcase enters, followed by a security guard ]Man: Mr. Price? Mr. Waterhouse?
Waterhouse: Yes?
Man: The final Academy Award tallies, gentlemen.
[ Waterhouse proceeds to release the handcuffs from the briefcase, as Price holds a Bible to the man’s right hand ]Price: Do you solemnly swear that you have not seen the contents of this briefcase?
Man: I have not, sir.
Price: That’ll be all.
Man: Thank you.
[ man and security guard exit the office, as Waterhouse quickly locks it shut ]Price: You got your half of the combination?
Waterhouse: Yes, I do.
Price: Okay, here’s mine.
[ they take out their respective halves of the combination – Waterhouse collects both and reads them off ]Waterhouse: Okay. 6 left.. 9 right.. 4 left.
[ Price removes a pile of sheets, as Waterhouse collects a stack of envelopes ]Price: Okay. I’ll read the winners, and you pick up the winning envelope, okay?
Waterhouse: Okay. Alright, what do we have for Best Movie?
Price: Best Movie? [ looks on the sheets ] “The Dresser.”
Waterhouse: [ with a look of distaste ] I hated that movie. I mean, really – I really hated that movie.
Price: So did I.
Waterhouse: You did?
Price: Yeah. All that, “Can I help with Sir’s bedpan?”
Waterhouse: Ugh, that was horrible! Well, I guess, Mr. Price, it’s up to us again this year to pick the final tally. [ looks through the sheets ] Alright, let’s see.. “The Right Stuff”? [ Price shakes his head ] Too long. “The Big Chill”? Nice soundtrack..
Price: But, uh, far too pretentious.
Waterhouse: Yes. “Tender Mercies”? That was good.
Price: Yes.
Waterhouse: I liked that one. That was a very, very nice film.. [ shuffles envelopes ] Whoop! “Terms of Endearment”!
Price: “Terms of Endearment.”
Waterhouse: That’s the winner, made me cry!
Price: Made me cry, too.
Waterhouse: Yep, love that Brooks. He did a very good job.
Price: Okay.
Waterhouse: Alright. What’s next, Mr. Price?
Price: Let’s see, uh.. how about Best Supporting Actor?
Waterhouse: Best Supporting Actor – who do they have?
Price: Sam Shephard.
Waterhouse: [ crinkles his nose ] He sucked.
Price: Are you crazy? Sam Shephard was the only cool thing in that movie. The guy is good!
Waterhouse: That’s right, that’s right. He’s good.. he’s good-looking, he’s a good actor, he’s a great playwright, and he’s sleeping with Jessica Lange.
Price: [ now miffed as well, rips Shephard’s envelope ] Show-off! Screw it, let’s go with uh, Nicholson!
Waterhouse: Nicholson, let’s go with Nicholson, definitely. He’s balding, he’s got a pot-belly – he’s a real man! That’s a real man!
Price: Yeah.
Waterhouse: Alright, what do we have next? Who do you like for Best Supporting Actress?
Price: Uh.. I don’t like none of them.
Waterhouse: Me, either. Pick one.
Price: [ throws stack in the air, and grabs one at random ] And the winner is.. Cher. So, Cher gets the Oscar.
Waterhouse: Wow.
Price: It’ll be the shortest guy she’s gone out with since Sonny!
Waterhouse: [ chuckles ] Alright, who gets the big one here – Best Actress?
Price: [ reads ] Meryl Streep.
Waterhouse: No!
Price: No?
Waterhouse: No, I’m not going to let this happen again. She won last year, and she didn’t even do a foreign accent this year. Forget it!
Price: Besides, she’s got no boobs.
Waterhouse: Yeah.
Price: Let’s see who’s got the biggest set of headlights!
Waterhouse: Alright, let’s see. [ reads ] Meryl Streep..
Together: No.
Waterhouse: Shirley MacLaine? Yeah.. but she’s old, but..
Price: It’s still a good performance..
Waterhouse: Julie Walters..
Price: No.
Waterhouse: No. Jane Alexander?
Price: No.
Together: Debra Winger!!
Waterhouse: Hey!
[ they each kiss Debra Winger’s envelope ]Price: Alright, what’s next?
Waterhouse: What’s next, is Best Actor.
Price: [ holds up the Academy tallies ] Hey, this thing’s useless.
Waterhouse: We don’t need it. [ tosses the Academy tallies ]
Price: Okay.
Waterhouse: Alright, who do we got? We got Michael Caine..
Price: Michael Caine..
Waterhouse: Alright.
Price: Tom Conti..
Waterhouse: Alright.
Price: Tom Courtney..
Waterhouse: Alright.
Price: Albert Finney..
Waterhouse: Alright.
Price: Robert Duvall.
Waterhouse: Wait. That’s four Englishmen and one American.
Price: Those limeys think we’re going to give them an Oscar every year?
Waterhouse: Uh-uh. Uh-uh, that’s it – Duvall gets it.
Price: Alright. But, wait, wait, hold it – Duvall didn’t say nothing in that movie!
Waterhouse: Yes. I know, Mr. Price. But it’s how he said nothing that counts.
Price: Well.. I mean, if that’s the case, who says nothing better than anybody else?
Together: [ as it comes to them ] Clint Eastwood!
Waterhouse: Yeah.
Price: Absolutely.
Waterhouse: Let’s give it to him. Wait! He’s not even nominated.
Together: [ as it comes to them ] Write-in!
[ the intercom buzzes ]Waterhouse: Yes?
Intercom: Mr. Price, Mr. Waterhouse.. they’re here.
Waterhouse: Right with you. [ opens the door to let in a woman carrying a briefcase ]
Woman: Mr. Price, Mr. Wasterhouse – the final tallies for the New York Primary are now officially in your hands. [ hands them the briefcase, and exits ]
Price: I like Mondale.
Waterhouse: I like Hart.
Price: Well.. I like Mondale.
Waterhouse: Hart!
Price: Let’s flip for it.
Waterhouse: Alright, heads for Hart.
[ Waterhouse flips the coin, as Price catches it and looks at it without affording Waterhouse a glance ]Price: Mondale!
Waterhouse: Hey! You cheat! Give it to me!
Price: I did not cheat!
[ they scuffle after the coin, as they tumble off the set and into the audience ] [ zoom out, fade ]
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
April 14th, 1984
George McGovern
Madness
Clara Peller
Frankie Pace
Madness, “Our House”
Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon.Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.
Very Hungry, Hungry Man Dinners
Mother…..Mary Gross
Father…..George McGovern
President Ronald Regan…..Joe Piscopo
Daughter…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Son…..Gary Kroeger
…..Clara Peller
[ open on welfare dinner table ]
Mother: Dinner! Everybody hungry?
Father: You bet! After a day of hopeless job-hunting, I could eat a bear! [ looks on his plate ] Oh, not surplus cheese-loaf again! This is the eighteenth day in a row!
Mother: But how can I plan an interesting menu on $11 a week? What’s a welfare mother to do?
President Ronald Reagan: [ enters foreground of scene ] Sound familiar? Well, we here at White House Foods don’t believe that poverty-line cusine has to be boring. That’s why we’ve collected starvation-level cooking from around the Third-World for our Very Hungry, Hungry Man Dinners. [ holds up box ] [ show picture of first dinner ]
Take the edge off those hunger pangs with Cambodian Paw ‘N Claw Combo! Big chunks of stray dogs and cats in a rich mud sauce.
[ show picture of second dinner ]Put a smile on those emaciated faces with Curried Fish Heads and Bread Crusts. The dish millions of Indians paid for!
[ show picture of third dinner ]Or, from right here at home, authentic American favorites, like Appalachian Black Ling Cake, with real chunks of coal!
[ show picture of fourth dinner ]Or Harlem’s traditional Dead Pigeons with Paint Chips!
[ show dinner table again ]Father: [ eating his Very HUngry, Hungry Man Dinner ] Honey, this African Dirt Pie is sensational!
Daughter: And I like the crunchy bugs!
Son: You’re a great cook, Mom!
Mother: Well, I had a little help – from the good folks at White House!
[ cut to Regan standing behind a counter full of Very, Very HUngry Man Dinners ]President Ronald Reagan: And now, try Very, Very Hungry Man Dinners for the Elderly! Featuring low-sodium Cat Food! And Very Hungry Kid’s School Lunches, complete with two vegetables – ketchup and salt! Enough to meet 100% of my federal nutrition standards!
[ cut back to the dinner table ]Mother: Everybody finished? [ they all say “Yeah!” ] Anybody still hungry? [ they all say “Meee!!” ] With White House Frozen Dinners, your family will never get enough!
[ show counterful of Dinners ]President Ronald Reagan V/O: Very, Very Hungry Man Dinners. They’re a feast fit for a famine!
[ zoom out to reveal Clara Peller ]Clara Peller: Where’s the beef?! Where’s the beef! Where’s the beef!
Menage A Trois
Carl…..Eddie Murphy
First Male…..Jim Belushi
First Female…..Mary Gross
Second Male…..Tim Kazurinsky
Second Female…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
[ open on three people entering apartment after a night out together ]
Carl: [ grabs some wine ] I love the both of you, alright! This night has been beautiful, Iswear to you!
First Male: Hey, come on, how about that restaurant? Was that great!
Carl: That was marvelous! I loved the restaurant. You know, I didn’t know you could get Scottish pizza, I didn’t know that!
First Female: It was good, wasn’t it?
Carl: Hey, listen, let me tell you something, from the bottom of my heart, alright? You didn’t have to pick up the check.
First Male: Hey, come on! Can’t we buy a pal some dinner?
Carl: Aw, that’s beautiful. But I have to tell the both of you something – that this was the most beautiful evening of my life, and I hope it never ends!
First Male: Thank you, Carl, and you know something? [ puts arm around Carl ] It doesn’t have to end here.
Carl: [ pause, changes subject ] Hey, man, you want to watch “Friday Night Videos”?
First Male: No, Carl. I’m telling you.. it dosn’t have to end here.
Carl: Now, what is this – “It doesn’t have to end here”? I mean, what is this?
First Female: [ moves closer, wraps arm around Carl ] What’s the matter, Carl? You like us, don’t you?
Carl: Sure, I like you.. I mean no.. I mean.. listen, what are you two talking about?!
First Female: Come on, Carl, don’t be a tease.. you said you loved us.
Carl: Yeah, well, actually, what I meant when I said I loved you was that..
First Male: Look, look.. you know, there are a lot of guys out there that think we’re very attractive! Cute!
First Female: Here, have another drink, you.. [ pours wine in Carl’s glass ]
Carl: No, no, no, no, no! I’m not gonna have another drink! Listen, what you’re trying to do is get me drunk. Alright? And I don’t like myself when I’m drunk. And I refuse to get drunk tonight. I had enough to drink tonight..
First Male: Hey, look, if you didn’t like us, why’d you go out with us in the first place?!
Carl: Listen, now.. what.. what.. I do like you! But what you don’t see is.. I thought it was gonna be friends, and just having friends.. I didn’t realize..
First Male: [ outraged ] Friends?! Friends?! That’s what we are to you – just friends?! We call you up, we take you out, you say “Great!” We go out, we have a great time, and you call us friends?! I mean, it’s like acquaintances, or something!
First Female: Aw, Carl.. why did you let us pick up the check then, huh? Baby, this is bigger than the three of us..
Carl: Listen, okay.. it’s not that I don’t like you two, it’s just that.. listen, let me tell you something.. I’m very confused right now, alright.. now, you two are my friends, and you’re beautiful.. but you’re asking me to do something here, that, as a man, in my heart.. no, no, no, no!
[ Second Couple enters ]Second Female: Hi, Honey, we’re home! [ sees First Couple ]
Second Male: [ analyzing the situation ] Who are these two?
Carl: This is not how it looks.
Second Female: Carl, how could you? Doesn’t our menage-a-trois mean anything to you?
Second Male: Out working late.. working our fingers to the bone! We come home to find you with another couple!
Carl: This is not another couple.. this is a couple of friends.
Second Male: Yeah, you looked pretty friendly just now!
Second Female: [ weeping ] You know, you work years at establishing a good menage, and then it’s just destroyed in one night!
Carl: [ begging ] Oh, come on, Honeys..
Second Male: [ frowning at the First Couple ] I hope you two are happy! Housewreckers!
First Male: Hey, come on.. We didn’t know he was involved. Honestly!
First Female: No, no, listen.. we don’t want to bust up anyone’s scene..
First Female: Forget it! Forget it! [ to Carl ] We’re not staying another night in this house with you, you tramp!
Carl: Listen, hold up, before we get out of hand.. listen.. listen.. We’ve got some wine here, we’ve got nice lighting.. why don’t we just, the five of us, have a little party together?
First Female: [ standing ] Euuugghh.. you are sick..
First Male: [ points finger ] You’re sick! You’re a SICK man!! [ pulls his wife ] Come on! There are some couples in this world that believe menage-a-trois are sacred! [ turns to leave with the Second Couple ] Sick!
Carl: [ breaking character, turns to address the audience ] Thank you! That was “Menage-A-Trois”! The “Menage-A-Trois Players”, everyone! Jim Belushi! [ Belushi re-enters, bows and exits ] Mary Gross! [ Gross re-enters, bows and exits ] Julia Louis-Dreyfus! [ Louis-Dreyfus re-enters, bows and exits ] And, the man in the moustache, Tim Kazurinsky! [ Kazurinsky re-enters, bows and exits ]
[ Eddie Murphy grabs Kazurinsky’s hand, as the “Menage-A-Trois Players” all enter the scene for one collective bow to fade ]
60 Minutes
Interviewer…..Tim Kazurinsky
Richard Nixon…..Joe Piscopo
[ open on graphic of the ticking clock from “60 Minutes” ]
Announcer: Tonight on “60 Minutes”, Richard Nixon speaks again.
[ SUPER: April 14, 1994 ]Interviewer: Mr. Nixon, ten years ago you were paid half-a-million dollars for some interviews, which appeared on “60 Minutes”. It’s now 9194, and we’ve paid you five million dollars for the opportunity to talk to you again. Now, if your grandchildren were to ask you today, “Grandpa, what were the 1984 interviews all about?” what would you tell them?
Richard Nixon: Well, I’d say they were a stupid mistake, uh.. not for me, I made a bundle off of them! But they were a stupid mistake for CBS.
Interviewer: Why?
Richard Nixon: Well, because I lied right through the nose! I, uh.. I’d have been crazy not to.
Interviewer: But, why?
Richard Nixon: Because I wouldn’t have gotten the five million out of you for thse interviews! You know, during Watergate, Tricia, my daughter, said it eloquently when she said, “Daddy, you’re such a dork!”
Interviewer: Well, now that you are at the end of your life, how does it feel to be the most villified man in the country?
Richard Nixon: Uh.. sensational! I love it! Uh.. let me tell you, if you lie and cheat, and betray a nation’s trust, people will hate you. And if they hate you, they will want to know all about you, and if they want to know all about you, they’ve got to
Interviewer: But surely..
Richard Nixon: Hey! George McGovern! Everybody loved him. He helped the poor, hated war, the whole country thought he was a saint. The sucker never made a nickel!
Interviewer: In 184, you said, and I quote, “I don’t mind people looking at public officials with a microscope, but not a proctoscope.”
Richard Nixon: Well, that’s a lot of bull.. I love it when the press uses one of those things. In fact, if you really want to get inside Dick Nixon’s head, you have to use a proctoscope!
Interviewer: Well, let me tell you, this is quite shocking, sir. Could we move on to world leaders? Leonid Breznev..
Richard Nixon: Homo!
Interviewer: Well.. Indira Gandhi..
Richard Nixon: Slut!
Interviewer: Sir.. in the midst of this pack of lies, is there anything you can say that is irrefutably true?
Richard Nixon: [ thinks, blinking profusely, seconds pass ] Well.. yes, there is..
Interviewer: What?
Richard Nixon: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”