SNL Transcripts: Michael Douglas: 04/07/84

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

April 7th, 1984

Michael Douglas

Deniece Williams

Kenny Loggins

  • American Express Traveller’s Script

  • Michael Douglas’ Monologue

  • MTV Music News

  • Foldgers Crystals

  • The Garage Band video “Look At Our Video”

  • Price & Waterhouse

  • 4 Ninutes to Live

  • Annie Audition

  • Deniece Williams performs “Let’s Hear It For The Boy”

  • Saturday Night News with Michael Douglas

    Recurring Characters: Wayne Huevos.

  • “Footless”

  • Personal Soundtrack

  • Debate Bloopers

  • “Sugar or Plain”

  • Deniece Williams performs “Wrapped Up”

  • Sleepy Boy 2000

    (Repeat) See: 02/19/83.

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    SNL Transcripts: Michael Douglas: 04/07/84: Foldgers Crystals

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 9: Episode 16

    83p: Michael Douglas / Deniece Williams

    Foldgers Crystals

    Patient #1 …. Mary Gross
    Patient #2 …. Gary Kroeger

    [ Open on Spokesman standing outside ]

    Spokesman: We’re here at New York’s famous Metropolitan University Hospital, which treats patients from all over the world.

    [ Cut to Spokesman inside the hospital, walking among nurses and doctors ]

    Spokesman: Here in the hospital’s intensive care unit, the supply of blood can make the difference between life … and death.

    [ Cut to Spokesman in a hospital room, next to a patient in bed ]

    Spokesman: Today, we’re secretly replacing the fine blood these patients normally live on …

    [ Cut to Spokesman holding up the product ]

    Spokesman: … with Foldger’s Crystals.

    [ Cut to a shot of the crystals being spooned and stirred in a coffee pot-shaped intravenous ]

    Spokesman: Are dark, sparkling Foldger’s Crystals rich enough to keep these patients alive and well? Let’s watch.

    [ Cut to a shot of the patient’s arm – the liquid in the IV tube turns from dark red to dark brown. Cut to Spokesman next to patient ]

    Spokesman: How do you feel?

    Patient #1: Fine, thank you.

    Spokesman: Did you know that we’ve replaced all of your blood with Foldger’s Crystals?

    Patient #1: In instant?

    Spokesman: That’s right.

    Patient #1: I can’t believe it. I feel great. I’m full of Foldger’s Crystals, really?

    Spokesman: Yes, and so are all the other patients in this intensive care unit. How do you all feel?

    [ The other patients show reactions of approval ]

    Other patients: Great! Terrific! Pretty good! Thumbs up!

    [ Cut to Spokesman holding up the product again ]

    Spokesman: Foldger’s Crystals. A coffee rich enough to replace human blood.

    [ Fade to black ]

    Submitted by: G. Gomez

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