Jerry Lewis’ Heart Surgery
Dream Nurse…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Dream Nurse #2/Nurse…..Mary Gross
Dr. Dean Martin…..Joe Piscopo
Sammy Davis, Jr……Eddie Murphy
[ open on Intern and Nurses wheeling Jerry Lewis on a stretcher into the Emergency Room ]
Intern: Don’t be nervous, Mr. Lewis.
Jerry Lewis: [ groggy ] Let me ask you where I am..?
Intern: Don’t be nervous, sir. You just had a heart attack. You’re about to undergo double bypass surgery. Just relax.
Jerry Lewis: Uh.. where’s my doctor..? Where’s..
Intern: Please. Just be calm, Mr. Lewis, he’ll be right in..
Jerry Lewis: [ drifting off ] I’m feeling kind of sleepy.. they give you a lot of shots when you.. get sleepy..
[ screen blurs into a dream sequence, Dream Nurse looking down at Jerry ]
Dream Nurse: He’s fallen asleep.. Mr. Lewis is in great danger.. where’s the doctor..? Where could he be..? Where could he be..?
[ screen blurs again to show “Dr.” Dean Martin enter the ER ]
Dr. Dean Martin: [ singing ] “Everybody needs a bypass sometime. Everybody needs new arteries.”
Dream Nurse #2: Hello, Doctor.
Dr. Dean Martin: [ excited ] Hello-o-o-o, Beautiful! [ moves forward ] Ooh, ohhh..
Jerry Lewis: [ mimicking himself in all of his comedies ] Hey, am I gonna make it, Doc?! Am I.. am I.. am I.. gonna make it, Doc..?
Dr. Dean Martin: I don’t know about you, pal, but I’m gonna make it right now! Oh, Nurse! [ Dream Nurse walks up ] Ooh, Nurse! [ reaches over gurney to kiss her ] Scalpel, please. Oops!
Jerry Lewis: [ alarmed ] Oops?! What’s with the Oops?! Oops?! Oops could be very bad! I could be in very bad..
Dr. Dean Martin: Now, now, now, now.. I’m just gonna make a little incision right here, cut the chest open. I just hope I remember how to do this..
Jerry Lewis: Yeah, well, look, I.. look, I have an appointment someplace! Why don’t I go, with you stay? Or.. let me leave, and I.. I don’t wanna.. [ sees Dr. Dean smoking his cigarette ] I don’t want you touching.. I don’t want you smoking.. but don’t lick ittt..
Dr. Dean Martin: Calm down, Jerry, calm down. I’m the best there is! This operation requires nerves of steel and a steady hand.. [ grabs a martini from one of the many nurses surrounding the ER ] Oh, yeah, yeah, just what the doctor ordered! [ pokes out the olive with his scalpel ]
Jerry Lewis: I.. I.. [ starts to crack up ]
Dr. Dean Martin: You’re feeling great!
Jerry Lewis: I dn’t mean to disturb you, Doc, really.. but maybe you shouldn’t be drinking at a time like thissss..
Dr. Dean Martin: Why not? It’s Happy Hour, isn’t it? Alright, let’s get this thing over with now.. I think we’re gonna start right here, uh..
Jerry Lewis: Oh, Doc.. whoa, Doc.. Doc, whoa.. don’t I need an anesthetic? Don’t I need somethin, in case of bleeding and tearing? You know.. in case of tearing and bleeding, and.. [ starts choking on Dr. Dean’s cigarette smoke ]
Dr. Dean Martin: An anesthetic? That’s a good idea, Jerry, why not? [ sips from a second martini ]
Jerry Lewis: No, no, no! I mean for me!
Dr. Dean Martin: Ohhh.. okay. [ holds the martini in front of Jerry’s face ]
Jerry Lewis: [ starts lapping the martini like a dog ] Hey! All these years, you knew something, didn’t you!
Dr. Dean Martin: And now, I’d like to introduce you to a very special man.. he’s a very special man, he’s my guest anesthesiologist, Dr. Entertainment himself – please welcome Sammy!
[ Sammy Davis, Jr. enters the ER ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Dino, my man! It’s so groovy to see you! I was just down the hall doing my thing for a special that I’m working on. [ wraps his arm around Jerry ] Let me embarrass this cat for a moment now.. I love this cat, I really, really do. I really do. And only in this business, can a cat like me, and a like you..
Jerry Lewis: [ cracking up ] Hey, Doc! Doc!
Dr. Dean Martin: Yeah?
Jerry Lewis: Are you sure this guy’s qualified? I mean, with a diploma on the wall, with a paper thing that says that he knows college and cutting..?
Dr. Dean Martin: Well, he’s the tops, pallie, forget it!
Jerry Lewis: Iwon’t forget it!
Dr. Dean Martin: Forget it!
Jerry Lewis: Iwon’t forget it!
Dr. Dean Martin: Forget it!
Jerry Lewis: Doc?
Dr. Dean Martin: What?
Jerry Lewis: I forgot it. [ laughs loudly, as Sammy delights in the joke, then picks up a large scalpel ] Hey, he’s not gonna use this on me, is he?
Dr. Dean Martin: Oh, no, no, Jer.. that’s to calm down his accountant after he gets the bill for Sammy’s pinky ring.
[ Sammy laughs loudly, stomping the floor ]
Jerry Lewis: [ ad-libbing ] Try to cheer up, will you? [ turns to Dr. Dean ] Then how is he gonna put me to sleeeeeeppp..?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Let me tell you about the time I was in Israel, man. You see, don’t worry about your operation, it’s gonna be groovy, man. Super, fabulous, and marvelous! Only in this business, can a cat like you, and a cat like him, and a chick like her, and a chick like her.. here a chick, there a chick.. [ singing ] “Everywhere a chick, chiiiickkk!”
Dr. Dean Martin: Oh, ho, ho.. more anesthetic, Doc. More anesthetic.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: [ singing ] “The Candyman makes everything he makes, satisfying and delicious.. talk about your child..” Back in 1962, when I was a young..
[ screen blurs back to reality, Nurse looking down at Jerry ]
Nurse: Look! He’s coming through! You came through like a champ! Bless your heart!
[ screen blurs again to show the real Doctor standing next to Jerry’s gurney ]
Doctor: Mr. Lewis?
Jerry Lewis: [ groggier than ever ] Wha..?
Doctor: Time to go to recovery. Your operation was a success.
Jerry Lewis: Huh? Who are you?
Doctor: Don’t you know me? I’m Dr. DeBakey, I performed your bypass.
Jerry Lewis: [ confused ] ..You mean.. you mean, I.. then, he didn’t.. [ sees the light ] ..I guess.. it was all a dream.. “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK! IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!“