Fascinating People and Their Friends

Fascinating People and Their Friends

Mike Nash…..Tim Kazurinsky
Ram Fellstein…..Jerry Lewis

Mike Nash: Good evening, and welcome to “Fascinating People and Their Friends.” I’m your host, Mike Nash, and tonight’s topic is: “Professional Football and the Rest Of Us.” Here to discuss this with us is Ram Fellstein, of the newly-formed AJFL.

Ram Fellstein: [ deep-voiced ] Hello, Mike.

Mike Nash: Could you tell us osmething about the AJFL.

Ram Fellstein: Certainly, I’d be glad. The AJFL, or the American-Jewish Football League.. [ starts to crack up, covers face ]

Mike Nash: [ covering ] Mmm-hmm.. Something in your eye, I see..

Ram Fellstein: ..was.. was formed.. [ cracks up ] ..was formed last year to bring professional sports to the professional man! For example, I myself, in addition to being a co-founder of the league, am also quarterback for the Chicago Dentists!

Mike Nash: Ah. I see. And when is your regular season.

Ram Fellstein: Every Wednesday, from mid-November to mid-March.

Mike Nash: Oh, what, your team doesn’t play on Sunday?

Ram Fellstein: No. Sundays, we play golf. All the teams in the Eastern Division – that would be the Chicago Dentists, the Miami Obstetricians, the Atlanta Heart Specialists, and the New York Eye, Ear, Nose and Throat – we all play on Wednesday, our day off.

Mike Nash: Hmm, that’s very interesting. Well, seeing as how none of you guys are professional athletes.. I mean, it’s just a bunch of doctors running around banging into each other, isn’t it? Injuries must be a big problem.

Ram Fellstein: Oh, boy! I’ll say. Everytime someone gets hurt, there’s twenty-one guys out on the field trying to treat them! But first, last year, when we played the San Fransisco Attorneys in the Play-Offs, we had 85 yards in penalties, and $16 million in lawsuits!

Mike Nash: Tough game. Who won?

Ram Fellstein: It’s still up for appeal. It could be years before we find out!

Mike Nash: Speaking of Play-Offs, does the AJFL have something equivalent to the Superbowl?

Ram Fellstein: Oh, yes, oh boy, yes, oh yeah!

Mike Nash: Tell me about it..

Ram Fellstein: But the name changes each year, depend- – cracks up ] ..depending on who wins.

Mike Nash: I see.

Ram Fellstein: For example, the year the Dentists won, it was called the Spitbowl. The year the.. [ suppresses laughter ] ..Plastic Surgeons won, it was called the Nosebowl. I don’t even want to tell you what it was called the year the Gynecologists won.

Mike Nash: No.. [ thinking ] Wait a minute.. hold it just a second.. Jews don’t play football!

Ram Fellstein: So I lied! So sue me! But I got on your damn show, didn’t I?! [ laughs at him ]

Mike Nash: Okay, join us next week on “Fascinating People”, when the subject is Nude Bullfighting. [ to Ram, as closing music sweeps ] You had me going there for a while..!

SNL Transcripts

Jerry Lewis’ Heart Surgery

Jerry Lewis’ Heart Surgery

Intern…..Gary Kroeger
…..Jerry Lewis
Dream Nurse…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Dream Nurse #2/Nurse…..Mary Gross
Dr. Dean Martin…..Joe Piscopo
Sammy Davis, Jr……Eddie Murphy
Doctor…..Tim Kazurinsky

[ open on Intern and Nurses wheeling Jerry Lewis on a stretcher into the Emergency Room ]

Intern: Don’t be nervous, Mr. Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: [ groggy ] Let me ask you where I am..?

Intern: Don’t be nervous, sir. You just had a heart attack. You’re about to undergo double bypass surgery. Just relax.

Jerry Lewis: Uh.. where’s my doctor..? Where’s..

Intern: Please. Just be calm, Mr. Lewis, he’ll be right in..

Jerry Lewis: [ drifting off ] I’m feeling kind of sleepy.. they give you a lot of shots when you.. get sleepy..

[ screen blurs into a dream sequence, Dream Nurse looking down at Jerry ]

Dream Nurse: He’s fallen asleep.. Mr. Lewis is in great danger.. where’s the doctor..? Where could he be..? Where could he be..?

[ screen blurs again to show “Dr.” Dean Martin enter the ER ]

Dr. Dean Martin: [ singing ] “Everybody needs a bypass sometime. Everybody needs new arteries.”

Dream Nurse #2: Hello, Doctor.

Dr. Dean Martin: [ excited ] Hello-o-o-o, Beautiful! [ moves forward ] Ooh, ohhh..

Jerry Lewis: [ mimicking himself in all of his comedies ] Hey, am I gonna make it, Doc?! Am I.. am I.. am I.. gonna make it, Doc..?

Dr. Dean Martin: I don’t know about you, pal, but I’m gonna make it right now! Oh, Nurse! [ Dream Nurse walks up ] Ooh, Nurse! [ reaches over gurney to kiss her ] Scalpel, please. Oops!

Jerry Lewis: [ alarmed ] Oops?! What’s with the Oops?! Oops?! Oops could be very bad! I could be in very bad..

Dr. Dean Martin: Now, now, now, now.. I’m just gonna make a little incision right here, cut the chest open. I just hope I remember how to do this..

Jerry Lewis: Yeah, well, look, I.. look, I have an appointment someplace! Why don’t I go, with you stay? Or.. let me leave, and I.. I don’t wanna.. [ sees Dr. Dean smoking his cigarette ] I don’t want you touching.. I don’t want you smoking.. but don’t lick ittt..

Dr. Dean Martin: Calm down, Jerry, calm down. I’m the best there is! This operation requires nerves of steel and a steady hand.. [ grabs a martini from one of the many nurses surrounding the ER ] Oh, yeah, yeah, just what the doctor ordered! [ pokes out the olive with his scalpel ]

Jerry Lewis: I.. I.. [ starts to crack up ]

Dr. Dean Martin: You’re feeling great!

Jerry Lewis: I dn’t mean to disturb you, Doc, really.. but maybe you shouldn’t be drinking at a time like thissss..

Dr. Dean Martin: Why not? It’s Happy Hour, isn’t it? Alright, let’s get this thing over with now.. I think we’re gonna start right here, uh..

Jerry Lewis: Oh, Doc.. whoa, Doc.. Doc, whoa.. don’t I need an anesthetic? Don’t I need somethin, in case of bleeding and tearing? You know.. in case of tearing and bleeding, and.. [ starts choking on Dr. Dean’s cigarette smoke ]

Dr. Dean Martin: An anesthetic? That’s a good idea, Jerry, why not? [ sips from a second martini ]

Jerry Lewis: No, no, no! I mean for me!

Dr. Dean Martin: Ohhh.. okay. [ holds the martini in front of Jerry’s face ]

Jerry Lewis: [ starts lapping the martini like a dog ] Hey! All these years, you knew something, didn’t you!

Dr. Dean Martin: And now, I’d like to introduce you to a very special man.. he’s a very special man, he’s my guest anesthesiologist, Dr. Entertainment himself – please welcome Sammy!

[ Sammy Davis, Jr. enters the ER ]

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Dino, my man! It’s so groovy to see you! I was just down the hall doing my thing for a special that I’m working on. [ wraps his arm around Jerry ] Let me embarrass this cat for a moment now.. I love this cat, I really, really do. I really do. And only in this business, can a cat like me, and a like you..

Jerry Lewis: [ cracking up ] Hey, Doc! Doc!

Dr. Dean Martin: Yeah?

Jerry Lewis: Are you sure this guy’s qualified? I mean, with a diploma on the wall, with a paper thing that says that he knows college and cutting..?

Dr. Dean Martin: Well, he’s the tops, pallie, forget it!

Jerry Lewis: Iwon’t forget it!

Dr. Dean Martin: Forget it!

Jerry Lewis: Iwon’t forget it!

Dr. Dean Martin: Forget it!

Jerry Lewis: Doc?

Dr. Dean Martin: What?

Jerry Lewis: I forgot it. [ laughs loudly, as Sammy delights in the joke, then picks up a large scalpel ] Hey, he’s not gonna use this on me, is he?

Dr. Dean Martin: Oh, no, no, Jer.. that’s to calm down his accountant after he gets the bill for Sammy’s pinky ring.

[ Sammy laughs loudly, stomping the floor ]

Jerry Lewis: [ ad-libbing ] Try to cheer up, will you? [ turns to Dr. Dean ] Then how is he gonna put me to sleeeeeeppp..?

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Let me tell you about the time I was in Israel, man. You see, don’t worry about your operation, it’s gonna be groovy, man. Super, fabulous, and marvelous! Only in this business, can a cat like you, and a cat like him, and a chick like her, and a chick like her.. here a chick, there a chick.. [ singing ] “Everywhere a chick, chiiiickkk!”

Dr. Dean Martin: Oh, ho, ho.. more anesthetic, Doc. More anesthetic.

Sammy Davis, Jr.: [ singing ] “The Candyman makes everything he makes, satisfying and delicious.. talk about your child..” Back in 1962, when I was a young..

[ screen blurs back to reality, Nurse looking down at Jerry ]

Nurse: Look! He’s coming through! You came through like a champ! Bless your heart!

[ screen blurs again to show the real Doctor standing next to Jerry’s gurney ]

Doctor: Mr. Lewis?

Jerry Lewis: [ groggier than ever ] Wha..?

Doctor: Time to go to recovery. Your operation was a success.

Jerry Lewis: Huh? Who are you?

Doctor: Don’t you know me? I’m Dr. DeBakey, I performed your bypass.

Jerry Lewis: [ confused ] ..You mean.. you mean, I.. then, he didn’t.. [ sees the light ] ..I guess.. it was all a dream.. “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK! IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!

SNL Transcripts