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SNL Transcripts: Howard Cosell: 04/13/85

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

April 13th, 1985

Howard Cosell

Greg Kihn


Greg Kihn, “Lucky”

  • You Know What I Hate?

    Recurring Characters: Willie, Frankie.

  • Howard Cosell’s Monologue

  • Ed Grimley

    Recurring Characters: Ed Grimley.

  • Inside Out

  • Run, Throw & Catch Like A Girl Olympics

  • Cosell’s Bar Mitzvah

  • Sports Beat

    Recurring Characters: Tony Minetti

  • Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    Recurring Characters: Nathan Thurm, Dwight MacNamara, Robert Latta.

  • Greg Kihn performs “Boys Won’t”

  • Fernando’s Hideaway

    Recurring Characters: Fernando.

  • A Couple Of Red Guys Rap

  • Good Sex with Dr. Ruth Westheimer

  • Greg Kihn performs “Lucky”

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Alex Karras: 02/02/85

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    February 2nd, 1985

    Alex Karras

    Tina Turner


    Tina Turner, “What’s Love Got To Do With It”

  • Prince & Hulk Hogan

  • Alex Karras’s Monologue

  • Ed Grimley

    Recurring Characters: Ed Grimley.

  • Time Magazine

    (Repeat) See: 02/26/84

  • A Couple Of White Guys Rap

  • Kelly Cola

  • Tina Turner performs “What’s Love Got To Do With It”

  • Power From Giving

  • New York On Five Dollars A Day

    Recurring Characters: Bernard Goetz.

  • Walter Mondale in Minnesota

    Recurring Characters: Walter Mondale.

  • Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    Recurring Characters: Robert Latta, Nathan Thurm.

  • Tina Turner performs “Better Be Good To Me”

  • The Auctioneer

  • Tina Turner performs “Private Dancer”

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Kathleen Turner: 01/12/85: Boxing Stories

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 10: Episode 10

    84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

    Boxing Stories

    Boxing Stories

    [Gray-haired Tony Manetti, in a cap, apron, andstriped vendor’s uniform, is discovered alone in aspotlight on a darkened Home Base in front of a blackcurtain. He works the aisle at a boxing arena sellingbags of snacks to the patrons. The camera, playing therole of an old friend, trucks slowly towardhim.]

    Tony Manetti: [gravel-throated New York accent]Peanuts, popcorn, twenty-five cents a bag! Let’s go,hurry up. Hey, how ya doin’? How are ya, huh? Peanuts,popcorn, twenty-five cents a bag! Let’s go, there yago, pal. Let’s go. [catches a tossed coin] Oh! Thankyou, pal. Peanuts, popcorn, twenty-five cents abag!

    [stares into approaching camera, points at it, as ifgreeting an old friend] Heyyyyyy! Hey, how areya? Huh? How are ya? Huh? How are ya?Huh? … Who are you? … [recognizes his oldfriend] Oh, yeah! Hey, yeah! How are ya? Yeah, ya lookgood, ya look good. You do. I – I don’t see so good,all this stuff hangin’ over here. Hey, you look good,you look good, you really look good. You do. You do.You look good. I swear, you look good. You do! Youlook great. I think you do. Ya do. Huh? How areya?! …

    Yeah. Hey, you still fightin’? Oh. How come? Youstarted to bleed at the weigh-ins? Yeah, well, youknow … That happens. That happens. Boxing’s a toughgame. We’re in a tough racket. But I love the sweetscience. I love the game. Yeah, these kids today aregreat. These fighters today are great, they is.They’re great, they are. But, you know, I think it’stough, you know? The black fighters today are thegreatest fighters, I think. You know, you got, like,Tommy Hearns is great. And the Marvelous MarvinHamlisch, he’s great! They’re all great! …

    See? See, but I think we had it tougher when we wasfightin’, right? Because, like, the Jewish fighterswere fightin’ then. And the Jews are tougher to fight,I think, because the Jews are used to fightin’ athome. … You know what I mean? All day long, they’regoin’ “Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!” “Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!””Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!” “What did I do?” “You left thatmuch soda in the bottle, ya put it back in therefrigerator! Drive me nuts!” “Oh, yeah? Who the hellleaves an egg in a cup stinkin’ up the place? Youknow? You makin’ me crazy! It’s disgusting!” “Oh,yeah? You bought retail!” “I did not!” “Yadid!” “Ya didn’t!” “Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!” “And youain’t so kosher! When you eat out, I seen you eatshellfish!” “I did not!” “Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!”So by the time they get in the ring, they’re nuts,right? … I get in the ring, they look at me and go,”You did!” I go, “I didn’t!” AND THEY BEAT THE HELLOUT O’ ME! …

    [calms down, grins, gently] But I look better now,don’t I? Yeah, I – I got this fixed. [points to hisnose] Yeah, yeah, I had it put in the middle. Butthat’s it. … That’s all. See? See? See? See? Andnow, now there’s this whole movement, you know, youknow, to stop boxin’! They wanna stop boxin’! They do.You know, that group, what do you call that, eh –?Right! The, uh, the AMA! They wanna ban boxin’. Theythink that guys – They think that guys – They thinkthat guys get hurt! Listen. I had over a hundredfights. And I NEVER was REALLY hurt. You know? I evenfought nine fights in one night. Nine. Because none ofthe other fighters showed up. … I fought nine fightsin one night because I loved it! And this group –this, uh, A.F.L. — thinks they know – they know whatgettin’ hurt is. All right. I’ll tell ya about that.Sunnyside Gardens in Queens. I’m fightin’, uh, Ernesto”the Gardener” Torres, right? Now, Ernesto breaks mynose, he does, in the first round. Clean. Pow! Rightthere. My eyes are shut and, finally, after a littlebit, I visit the – the canvas, you know? I go down, Igo down, I do. The referee comes over and he says,”Tony! How many fingers am I holdin’ up?!” I looked athim and I said, “I think I’ll order the lamb chops,please.” Now …

    This, ah, NBA group thinks that that is hurt. Iwas STUNNED! That’s all! I was NOT hurt! … [pause]What? I’m sorry. I – I went to Coney Island for asecond. Now … See – see, this now – It makes memad, you know. If – if – if they wanna stop theviolence in boxin’, don’t let nobody ride the subwayto the arena, that’s all. But let me tell ya this.They can’t stop the boxing. They can’t – Theycan’t take these kids’ futures away from them, youknow what I’m sayin’? The thing about it– See, thefighters could help themselves. They could.They could help themselves. You just gotta know whenit’s time to QUIT! You know when it was time for me toquit? The eighth fight o’ that night. You know? … Ihit the canvas for the thirteenth time, see, see, see?And I looked out over the crowd – and I seen afamiliar face in the third row goin’ [whispers] “Staydown, Tony. Stay down.” [beat] It was ME! … That’swhen it’s time to get out. You know? So, you tell thisgroup, y’see? See, even that night, I wasn’t hurtthen. I was just DAZED! That’s it. So this group,this, uh, this CIA group, they don’t– I hope this,uh, MBL don’t ever stop the sweet science. Don’t stopthe sweet science. You know? If they stopped it, wewouldn’t’a’ had the Joe Louis, we wouldn’t’a’ had theAlis, we wouldn’t’a’ had these people if they hadstopped it. See, this group, they DON’T KNOW NOTHIN’!

    Now, lemme tell ya somethin’, pal. You know, I had alot o’ fights. An’ I took a lot o’ punches. An’, tokeep my health, I took a brain scan. And you knowsomethin’? They didn’t find nothin’. … So,tell that to that group, I’ll tell ya that right now.Hey, did you hear the bell for the fights? Ya did?Whew! Good. All right. Now, listen. I’ll, uh, I’ll,uh, wait for ya, if you – you wanna get togetherafterwards, after the fights, if you wanna see me,after, we– Yeah. Yeah, I would love to have abeer with you. We’d be breakin’ training, though.Yeah, okay, come on! Yeah, I’ll be right there! Wherethe hell else am I goin’? All right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.Okay, see ya. [the camera tracks back and away fromTony as he goes back to work] Peanuts, popcorn,twenty-five cents a bag! Hey, how are ya?!

    [Cheers. Applause. Tony shadowboxes. Dissolve to awider view of the Studio 8H audience.Fade.]

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Roy Scheider: 01/19/85

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    January 19th, 1985

    Roy Scheider

    Billy Ocean

    Steven Wright

    Billy Ocean, “Caribbean Queen”

  • The Inauguration

  • Roy Scheider’s Monologue

  • Ricky & Phil

    Recurring Characters: Ricky, Phil.

  • Super Bowl XIX Tickets Sale

  • Steven Wright Stand-Up

  • Foldgers Crystals

    (Repeat) See: 04/07/84

  • In Praise of Women

  • Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    Recurring Characters: Angela Bradleigh.

  • Penny Lane

  • Good Cop, Bad Cop

    Recurring Characters: Lawrence.

  • Billy Ocean performs “Caribbean Queen”

  • Mental Hospital

    Recurring Characters: Consuela, Chi Chi.

  • Billy Ocean performs “Loverboy”

    SNL Transcripts

  • Good Cop, Bad Cop

    Good Cop, Bad Cop

    Lieutenant…..Roy Scheider
    Stevens…..Rich Hall
    Devoney…..Jim Belushi
    Lawrence…..Martin Short

    [ Liuetenant enters the police precinct withLawrence right behind him ]

    Lieutenant: What have we got, Stevens?

    Stevens: Well, we searched his place, Lieutenant. There was no sign of the money, or the girl.

    Lieutenant: [ walks over ] Come on, Devoney – don’t be stupid all your life. You tell me where the girl is, and maybe the DA can cut a deal.

    Devoney: What are you talking about, Lieutenant? I was out all evening.

    Lieutenant: With who?

    Devoney: Your wife. I finally got to the head of the line! [ laughs ]

    Lieutenant: Take a walk, Stevens. Lawrence and I don’t want to be disturbed. [ Stevens exits the room ]

    Lawrence: I don’t believe that guy’s story for one second, Lieutenant! Why don’t you call your wife and check it out?

    Lieutenant: Just listen, Lawrence.. this guy is a tough SOB, but I think we can crack him. What do you say we try the old “Good Cop, Bad Cop” routine?

    Lawrence: [ amazed, and anxious to see it work ]

    Lieutenant: Look, Devoney.. I understand your butt is on the block. If it was up to me, I’d cut you loose. But my partner here, he’s got a bad temper, a real bad temper. Right, Lawrence?

    Lawrence: I agree, Lieutenant! [ smiles wildly ]

    Lieutenant: Now, the truth, I don’t know how long I can hold him off.

    Devoney: [ looks Lawrence over ] I’ll take my chances.

    Lieutenant: I did what I could, Lawrence. He doesn’t want to talk to us.

    Lawrence: [ starts to sob ] Oh, no, that’s, that’s terrible.. now, we won’t ever find the girl! And we won’t get our vacation, either! And it’s so sad.. because my mother wanted to go to Tampa in Auguest! I should have..

    Lieutenant: [ pulls Lawrence aside ] What the hell are you doing?!

    Lawrence: It doesn’t seem to be working, Lieutenant! Why don’t you try being the sad cop?

    Lieutenant: What?!

    Lawrence: You know – Good Cop, Sad Cop.

    Lieutenant: Bad Cop! Bad Cop! B-A-D!

    Lawrence: Oh, great start spelling, like I’m not embarrassed enough?

    Lieutenant: Just remember – good cop.. bad cop. [ returns to Devoney ] Now, look, Devoney, this guy is on the edge of some serious bone-breaking. Just lucky for you he’s doing a slow burn. Now, for the last time, where’s the girl?

    Devoney: Turning tricks, With your mother. [ laughs ]

    Lieutenant: [ to Lawrence ] Take him!

    Lawrence: Now, look.. [ holds up his hands, which are handcuffed together ] I accidentally handcuffed myself, Lieutenant! [ to Devoney ] I guess I’m a real bad cop, huh, Devoney? I think you should just tell me where the girl is, because I’m such a bad cop..!

    Lieutenant: [ pulls Lawrence aside ] What’s the matter with you?!

    Lawrence: I’m doing what you told me – good cop, bad cop!

    Lieutenant: Not bad like incompetent! Bad like in vicious! Mean!

    Lawrence: Ahh..

    Lieutenant: Good Cop.. Bad Cop!

    Lawrence: Alright, Lieutenent, then!

    Lieutenant: [ returns to Devoney ] I’m warning you, Devoney – this guy is so crazed, he doesn’t know what he’s doing!

    Devoney: Yeah, tell it to my lawyer – he’s making it with your sister! [ laughs ]

    Lieutenant: [ laughs back ] Okay, Devoney, you asked for it. Lawrence?

    Lawrence: [ sits ] Well, I’m sorry about my partner, he tends to get very, very upset. Can I buy you some pie, or possibly a..

    Lieutenant: [ pulls Lawrence aside ] What are you doing?!

    Lawrence: Did you want to be the good cop? ‘Cause if you do, that’s no problem..

    Lieutenant: Look, look! It’s simple! It’s simple! Just watch – Good Cop, Bad Cop! [ returns to Devoney ] Let me at ‘im! Let me at ‘im! I’ll eat his face off! [ pulls Devoney up, then jumps to the opposite side of him ] Now, look, Lieutentant, don’t do that.. I mean, violence never got us anywhere..

    Devoney: [ slightly confused ] That’s right..

    Lieutenant: [ reverts to Bad Cop ] Don’t give me any of that liberal crap! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll tear him apart! I’ll eat ‘im alive!

    Devoney: Who’s this guy..?

    Lieutenant: [ Good Cop ] Now, look.. now, look.. I don’t know how long I can hold him off.. he’s an animal, he’s an animal.. please, for your own sake, tell us where the girl is..

    Devoney: Uhh…

    Lieutenant: [ Bad Cop ] I don’t care where the girl is! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im..! [ turns to Lawrence ] You see?! It’s simple! It’s easy! Any idiot can do it!

    Lawrence: Well, let’s do it..

    Lieutenant: Except the idiot I got for a partner! I’m going down to the squad car.. before I hurt somebody! [ exits room, shattering glass everywhere ]

    Lawrence: Gee.. he seems to have lost patience with me, Mr. Devoney.. so, if you wouldn’t mind, on the way down to Headquarters, if you would just, you know, kind of ride up front with him in the car?

    Devoney: [ surrenders ] Here, here, here.. [ pulls out a pair of keys ] Here’s the keys! The girl’s locked up in a warehouse on 8th Street!

    Lawrence: [ takes the keys ] Hey, Lieutentant! I think I found a clue! [ pulls out handcuffs ] Okay, Devoney.. you’ve had an easy ride of it so far, but you are coming with me! [ thinks he’s handcuffed Devoney, but he ends up pulling the chair out instead ] [ zoom out to fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Ricky & Phil

    Ricky & Phil

    Ricky…..Billy Crystal
    Phil…..Christopher Guest

    [ open on Ricky in his apartment, pouring a bag of Oreos into a bowl ]

    Ricky: This is the greatest! Super Sunday is like the greatest day of life! It’s unbelievable! I love Super Sunday, it’s amazing! It’s so amazing, it is unbelievable!

    [ Phil enters the apartment ]

    Phil: Hey, Ricky, how ya doing?

    Ricky: Hey, Phil! Hey, where ya been, I was worried, you know? It’s almost game-time, did you get all the stuff?

    Phil: Yeah, I got all this stuff! What’s the big rush, huh?

    Ricky: I’m excited, it is Superbowl Sunday! It’s my favorite day, it is unbelievable!

    Phil: [ points to all the goodies in the bag ] Look at this, look at this. I don’t know what you’re in a rush for, you know? Your 49er’s are gonna roll over like a dead dog, his petrified feet are gonna stick up in the air.

    Ricky: Oh, really? Like I am really, really afraid of a team that has Flipper on their helmet, right? [ laughs like a moron ] I’m really, really scared!

    Phil: Look, can I show you what I got here?

    Ricky: Sure.

    Phil: This is for the game, while we’re watching the game, look what I got here. Cheese balls..

    Ricky: Great.

    Phil: I got family-sized beef jerky..

    Ricky: Great.

    Phil: And, to drink, I got grape soda.

    Ricky: Unbelievable!

    Phil: It’s unbelievable, right? And, when the Dolphins are presented the Vince Lombardi Trophy for their victory, and you’re handing me your five bucks that you owe m.

    Ricky: Five bucks, right, right. Like I’m running to the bank now to get your five bucks, right! [ laughs to himself ] What are you, an idiot?

    Phil: What are you, a creep?

    Ricky: What are you, a moron?

    Phil: What are you, a jerk?

    Ricky: What are you, a pinhead?

    Phil: What are you, a doofus?

    Ricky: Hey! Take it easy!

    Phil: Alright, relax.

    Ricky: It’s Super Sunday, okay, Cabbagehead!

    Phil: You’re a brisquet-breath!

    Ricky: What, Tush-For-Brains?

    Phil: You’re a schmegma!

    Ricky: Hey! Hey, I don’t like that! Come on, now what else we got to eat here?

    Phil: Let me show you what else I got here for the festivities, alright? We got Bavarian Mint Ice Cream..

    Ricky: Ooohhh..

    Phil: ..on.. [ pulls out package ]

    Ricky: Celebrity Frozen Mini-Waffles? What the hell is this?

    Phil: It’s frozen mini-waffles, bearing the likeness of your favorite stars. Look, they got George Segal, Nell Carter, F.B.I. Zimbalist, Jr..

    Ricky: Oh, they got J.P. Morgan and Chuck Woolery!

    Phil: That’s pretty great, huh?

    Ricky: That’s unbelievable!

    Phil: Okay, and for dinner, which I am going to be savoring because of the 45-0 Dolphin victory..

    Ricky: [ makes phone noises ] Excuse me, must be the telephone. [ answers make-believe phone ] Hello? Yeah, hold on. It’s the Bellevue Crazy House? Hello, Crazy House? You got a straitjacket for Phil Amatullo, because he thinks the Miamis are gonna win! Yeah, I know! He’s unbelievable!

    Phil: That’s really funny. You’re a dipstick, you know that?

    Ricky: Right, right, right.. thank you very much, that’s very funny. You are a creton.

    Phil: You’re a douchebag!

    Ricky: Hey! Hey! Hey, come on, Super Sunday!

    Phil: Okay, let’s watch it.

    Ricky: Okay, Vomit-Breath.

    Phil: What did you say?

    Ricky: I said Vomit-Breath.

    Phil: You’re a midget!

    Ricky: Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Elephant Ears.

    Phil: Hey, look, I suppose you think that Fred Dean is gonna come around, right, and sack my man Marino. Is that what you think? He’s not gonna lay a hand on him, I don’t know what you’re talking about!

    Ricky: Oh, really?

    Phil: Yeah, really. When my Danny-boy sees him, he’s gonna throw the football into his fat blubberface!

    Ricky: Oh, you really, really think so?

    Phil: Yeah, I really do!

    Ricky: Well, let me tell you something, pal – if my boy “Mad Dog” Fred Dean don’t sack your Pretty-Boy Dan Marino, who’s so fat he looks like he lives in a tanning center..

    Phil: Right.

    Ricky: I will personally go out on the fire escape, I will remove all of my pants, and I will moon Sister Polly Rucci at Our Lady of Pompei, okay?

    Phil: You will?

    Ricky: I will.

    Phil: You got a deal. [ they shake ]

    Ricky: Okay.

    Phil: You’re a dimwit!

    Ricky: You’re a peabrain!

    Phil: You know something? You smell like a rhino’s nipple. Did I ever tell you that?

    Ricky: Thanks very, very much. You know, that’s really, really nice. I gotta ask you one question, could I ask you this, Phil?

    Phil: Yeah.

    Ricky: Uh, is it possible that you could get, like, more pimples on your back?

    Phil: That’s nice. Could you do me a favor? Could you get your feet to smell more? Would that be possible? Maybe you could kill all the pets in the building! That would be good.

    Ricky: Right, that’s really nice. Let me ask you this – could you, like, fail a written driver’s test, like, eight more times, maybe?

    Phil: Wait, let me ask you this – the idea is, what, that you’re never gonna blow your nose? Is that what it is? The rest of my life, I’m looking at a Whitman’s Sampler of boulders over here! That’s attractive, that’s great.

    Ricky: [ pulls up his nose with his fingers ] Take a look at these!

    Phil: I’m looking, pal, put it down!

    Ricky: Let’s have a truce, okay? It’s Super Sunday.

    Phil: Okay. Truce.

    Ricky: What’s for dinner?

    Phil: I got two Le Dinners.

    Ricky: Le Dinners? What the hell is Le Dinners?

    Phil: Look – Le Dinner. Predominantly beef patties, lima beans, carrots, and potatos au grautin. Huh? And, for dessert, Pez! Did I do good, or what?

    Ricky: You did unbelievable! I love this Pez! This is really, really great!

    Phil: Okay, look, as a special surprise now, I rented us some classic films, alright?

    Ricky: What’d you get?

    Phil: First one here – Night Nurses 3-D”. You still got them glasses?

    Ricky: Absotutely!

    Phil: Alright. Okay, we got “17 Wet & Willy”. This one’s Beta, you just have to shove it in there, right?

    Ricky: That’s it.

    Phil: Oh, this is nice, look at this. [ holds up tape ] You gonna say it?

    Ricky: Mmm-hmm..

    Phil: No?

    Ricky: Ain’t going near that one, I’ll tell you that right now! I thought we were getting “Clan Caravan Part II”?

    Phil: We couldn’t get it!

    Ricky: Why not?! I don’t wanna see that one! I mean, I like the music and everything..

    Phil: You loved it, really!

    Ricky: I don’t like animals..

    Phil: [ looks at watch ] Hey, lok at this, what’s it say to you?

    Ricky: It’s time for the game!

    Phil: Alright, let’s get out of here! Here we go, here we go.. [ turns on Ricky’s TV, but nothing happens ] What’s the matter with your TV set?

    Ricky: Nothing! It’s a great set!

    Phil: What are you talking about?

    [ TV sparks and explodes ]

    Ricky: That’s unbelievable! What the hell did you do to it?!

    Phil: This is great! Why don’t you get an older set, so more tubes are gonna explode, alright?

    Ricky: Like, I will, when your teeth, like, rot more! Like, inside your gums, alright?

    Phil: Yeah! Maybe you should lose more hair! You could start shaving from the top of your head down, put a bow tie on the back of your neck..!

    [ and on and on they argue, zoom out to fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Harry Anderson: 02/09/85

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    February 9th, 1985

    Harry Anderson

    Bryan Adams

    Bud Harrelson

    Waylon Jennings

    Johnny Cash

    Christopher Reeve

    Carol Burnett

    Bryan Adams, “Run to You”

  • Congressional Address

    Recurring Characters: Robert Latta.

  • Harry Anderson’s Monologue

  • Kate & Ali

    Recurring Characters: Katherine Hepburn, Mohammed Ali.

  • Mets Fantasy Camp

    Recurring Characters: Al Minkman, Lou Minkman.

  • Dueling Magi

    Recurring Characters: Doug Henning.

  • 20 Minutes Late

  • Ronald Reagan Jeans

  • Ricky & Phil

    Recurring Characters: Ricky, Phil.

  • Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    Recurring Characters: Buddy Young, Jr.

  • Bryan Adams performs “Somebody”

  • Salem Court

  • Harry Anderson Magic

  • Aunt Helen Ruins Solo

  • Bryan Adams performs “Run to You”

    SNL Transcripts

  • Salem Court

    Salem Court

    Bailiff…..Rich Hall
    Judge…..Harry Anderson
    Larry Grodner…..Martin Short
    Edward Abbey Manning…..Gary Kroeger
    Counsel…..Jim Belushi
    Mistress Cartwright…..Pamela Stephenson

    Bailiff: Here ye, here ye! The court of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, village of Salem is now in session. By the grace of God and our Lord, William III, all rise.

    [ Judge enters and takes his seat at his bench ]

    Judge: Be seated! [ slams gavel ] Edward Abbey Manning, you stand accused before the eyes of the Almighty. Who speaks for thee?

    Larry Grodner: [ runs in late ] Uh, I do, your Honor! Uh.. Larry Grodner, 7th Hall Defender’s Office. Your Honor, can I have five minutes with my client?

    Judge: So shall it be!

    Larry Grodner: Thank you! Sorry I’m late. [ sits next to Edward ] Okay, what have we got here? Okay.. speeding in the ox cart? No. Pouching deer? I could get you off with a warning. Ah! Consorting with the Devil, copulating with demons, and using the blood of Christian children in a pagan ritual. See that.. that.. that’s gonna be a problem.. Let me level with you.. Ed? It’s Ed? This court is very tough on witches.

    Edward Abbey Manning: But I be no witch. I am but a simple cobbler, enstranged to these parts.

    Larry Grodner: Just do what I say, alright? I think I can get them to knock down the charge to simple possession. Okay? You’ll just get maybe a lecture and a stoning – that’s it!

    Edward Abbey Manning: Stoning? But I’ll be just as dead!

    Larry Grodner: [ laughing ] Hey, I’m not the one who copulated with the Devil, am I?

    Edward Abbey Manning: But I implore you to believe me. I am not a witch.

    Larry Grodner: Right, right.. you’re not a witch. No one’s ever a witch. I mean, according to my clients, there have never been any witches. Crops just die all by themselves! The moon just decides to pass in front of the sun, you know, every once in a while! Look, Ed, I’m gonna try like hell to get you off. But don’t you ever lie to me! Okay? Your Honor, we’re ready to proceed.

    Judge: Counsel, would you present the evidence, arguments and proof of the case for the Commonwealth?

    Counsel: [ stands as a dramatic pause, then points angrily at Edward Abbey Manning ] WIIIIIITCH!!! [ takes his seat ]

    Judge: Very well. Edward Abbey Manning, I find you are –

    Larry Grodner: Objection, your Honor! Isn’t Counsel going to produce at least some evidence?!

    Judge: Brother Grodner, must I admonish you once again about needlessly prolonging these trials? But very well, Brother. Let the Commonwealth produce a witness.

    Counsel: So be it. I call before the eyes of God! Mistress Cartwright!

    [ pregnant Mistress Cartwright, with Scarlet Letter “A” on chest, enters the court ]

    Mistress Cartwright: [ points at Edward ] He’s the one! He beguiled me with evil charms, and led me to boil sins of the flesh! He pumped me with the evil seed that made me great with Satan’s child!

    Counsel: Your witness?

    [ Mistress Cartwright takes a seat at the stand ]

    Larry Grodner: Mistress Cartwright, how exactly did thou meet my client?

    Mistress Cartwright: He came to me in the form of a goat.

    Larry Grodner: Ah. [ walks over to Edward ] Has thou ever taken the form of a goat?

    Edward Abbey Manning: No!

    Larry Grodner: I think I’ve got it. [ returns to the stand ] Mistress Cartwright, let me ask you something: Can we just assume that you simply allowed this goat to impregnate you?

    Mistress Cartwright: No, he beguiled me! [ backtracking ] Well, he.. he.. he took me to a restaurant first.

    Larry Grodner: But if he took you to the restaurant as a goat, how do you know it was my client?

    Mistress Cartwright: The reservations were in his name!

    Larry Grodner: Inadmissable, your Honor! That’s heresay!

    Judge: There will be no pig latin in this court!

    Mistress Cartwright: [ stands, angry ] If this witch did not get me with child, then.. then, who did!!

    [ everyone in the courtroom coughs and points to Edward ]

    Crowd: Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

    Larry Grodner: Your Honor, if I could just be Devil’s Advocate for one second.. [ everyone groans ] Let me just rephrase that for one moment..

    Edward Abbey Manning: Though sealeth my doom! Is there no test by which you could prove that I speak the truth?

    Larry Grodner: [ thinking ] Ah, well, let me just throw ths question out to you: How long do you think you can hold your breath under water, with, like, very heavy stones on your chest?

    Edward Abbey Manning: Two, perhaps, three minutes.

    Larry Grodner: No, anything less than a week, and they’ll just laugh us out of court! There’s got to be.. ah, yes! Yes! We’ve got one other last straw, we’re gonna use it! Calm down. Your Honor, I would like to call to the stand.. Edward Manning!

    [ Edward takes the stand ]

    Bailiff: Place your hand on the Holy Scripture and prepare to recite the oath, please.

    [ Edward places his hand on the Bible, which causes it to begin dispensing smoke, as Edward rattles off in demonic verse ]

    Larry Grodner: [ stuck ] Your Honor, we.. we.. we’d like to change our plea!

    [ Edward extends his hand, firing lightning upon Grodner’s papers ]

    Larry Grodner: Unless you have a problem with that! THen we could certainly move for dismissal!

    Judge: Granted on all counts! Case forgotten! [ bangs gavel and flees from courtroom ]

    Larry Grodner: Yes!

    [ close ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Kate & Ali

    Kate & Ali

    Kate…..Martin Short
    Ali…..Billy Crystal

    Announcer: Monday at 9, watch America’s favorite roommates celebrate Valentine’s Day in a special 3-hour presentation of “Kate & Ali”.

    [ dissolve to Katherine Hepburn helping Muhammed Ali with his tie ]

    Kate: Oh, Ali, you hold still, or I’ll never get the knot in this tie the way you claim you want it!

    Ali: Don’t tell me what to do, Kate. I am still the greatest of all time! I’m just a little nervous, this is my first date since my divorce come through, and it scares me more than Joe Frazier!

    Kate: Oh, listen to me, Mr.! You’ve got to stand tall in that saddle and look fear in the eye, and say, “To hell with you!” My father always taught me..

    Ali: I don’t want to hear about your father no more, Kate! I’m sick of hearing about your father. Oh, my father loved birds, my father had a zest for living, my father

    Kate: Oh, and what about you?! Oh, Sonny Lester was a big ugly bear, Floyd Harris was a rabbit, and, oh, I’m so pretty, as if anyone the hell cares about that!

    Ali: Kate, you are driving me.. crazy!

    Kate: Oh, you-ou-ou…

    [ they shake their fists at one another ]

    Announcer: Yes, it’s the “Kate & Ali” Valentine’s Day special. But watch what happens when a three-time heavyweight champion is stung by Cupid’s arrow, leaving a four-time Oscar winner out in the cold.

    Kate: [ playing “Jane B.” ] ..How sad I am.. to find myself all alone on Valentine’s Day.. with no beau to call my own.. oh, despair is my companion.. why should I not weep..?

    Ali: [ re-enters room, surprising Kate ] You sure do play nice, Kate.

    Kate: Oh, Ali, why are you home so early?!

    Ali: Oh, Kate, I had a terrible time. The party was boring, people talk about stupid stuff.. I miss you, Kate, you’re my best friend.. here, I brought you some roses. [ hands her the roses ]

    Kate: [ sneezes, blowing the roses across the room ] Ali! Roses! You know I’m allergic to roses, as was my father.. and his father before..!

    Ali: I don’t want to hear about your father on more, Kate!

    Kate: Oh, you-ou-ou…

    Announcer: Yes, it’s three full hours of Kate & Ali’s Valentine’s Day special. Filling up yourt hearts with love and laughter, but you’d better leave room for a few surprises.

    [ dissolve to Kate and Ali sitting up in bed together ]

    Kate: Ali.. now that you and I have both experienced each other’s mutual joy, and the very essence of our being, can we still continue our friendship as if nothing has happened at all?

    Ali: Kate.. I loves your hair and I like your smile, but you an ugly old white woman, so I won’t be back for a while!

    Announcer: “Kate & Ali”‘s three-hour Valentine’s special. Monday at 9, 8 Central.

    Kate: Be there!

    Ali: Let’s all be there! [ sneers ]

    Kate: Oh-h-h-h-h!!

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts