SNL Transcripts: Howard Cosell: 04/13/85

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

April 13th, 1985

Howard Cosell

Greg Kihn


Greg Kihn, “Lucky”

  • You Know What I Hate?

    Recurring Characters: Willie, Frankie.

  • Howard Cosell’s Monologue

  • Ed Grimley

    Recurring Characters: Ed Grimley.

  • Inside Out

  • Run, Throw & Catch Like A Girl Olympics

  • Cosell’s Bar Mitzvah

  • Sports Beat

    Recurring Characters: Tony Minetti

  • Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    Recurring Characters: Nathan Thurm, Dwight MacNamara, Robert Latta.

  • Greg Kihn performs “Boys Won’t”

  • Fernando’s Hideaway

    Recurring Characters: Fernando.

  • A Couple Of Red Guys Rap

  • Good Sex with Dr. Ruth Westheimer

  • Greg Kihn performs “Lucky”

    SNL Transcripts

  • Index of /84

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    SNL Transcripts: Pamela Sue Martin: 02/16/85

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    February 16th, 1985

    Pamela Sue Martin

    Power Station

    Teri Garr

    Susan Lucci

    Lynn Swann


    Power Station, “Some Like It Hot”

  • Pamela Sue Martin’s Monologue

  • Strategic Airborne Contraceptive

    (Repeat) See: 11/10/84.

  • The Joe Franklin Show

    Recurring Characters: Joe Franklin, Jackie Rogers, Jr.

  • Half of A Couple Of White Guys & His Wife Rap

  • Fernando at Night of 100 Stars

    Recurring Characters: Fernando.

  • Rich Hall Stand-Up

  • Jim Belushi’s Promise

  • You Know What I Hate?

    Recurring Characters: Willie, Frankie.

  • Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    Recurring Characters: Dwight MacNamara.

  • Power Station performs “Some Like It Hot”

  • First Draft Theatre

  • Linda Evans & Joan Collins Catfight Album

  • Tom, Dick & Horny

  • Power Station performs “Get It On (Bang A Gong)”

  • Bullet Cartoon

    SNL Transcripts

  • Fernando at Night of 100 Stars

    Fernando at Night of 100 Stars

    Fernando…..Billy Crystal
    …..Teri Garr
    …..Susan Lucci
    …..Morgan Fairchild
    Robert Latta…..Rich Hall
    …..Lynn Swann

    [ open on Fernando standing outside of Radio City Music Hall ]

    Fernando: Saludos, my darlings. I am Fernando, standing outside historic Radio City Music Hall, where tommorow the Night of 100 Stars is going to take place. It is totally sold out, it is so exciting, I am crazy going nuts. I am standing here in a gray cashmere coat and a towel that Red Buttons gave to me. And we are going to go inside and meet some of the 100 stars. So, let’s go in, because I am freezing my castanets off, I’ll tell you that right now!

    [ dissolve to Fernando inside, talking with Teri Garr ]

    Fernando: If I said to you, my friends, “Mr. Mom”, “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”, “Tootsie”, Academy Award nomination, you would probably think to yourself: Teri Garr. And that’s what I’m thinking, because she’s really here. And I’m telling you, you look mahvelous, darling, you really do. Tell me, what do you think about this whole night of 100 stars? I’m going nuts here!

    Teri Garr: Me, too. I’m just so nervous, I’m nervous as a cat.

    Fernando: You are nervous. But you such a big star, darling. First of all, what is all these hairs on your sweater? Was Lorne Green rolling around on your body for a little while?

    Teri Garr: It’s from a coat I bought, on sale.

    Fernando: That is why, you know that, I’ll tell you that right now.

    [ dissolve ]

    Fernando: Teri, let me ask you this: you know, how do you prepare for a role? When you played Tootsie, and you have to get dressed up as a man to go out and get a job.. that must be very difficult to lace up and tighten things down to do that.

    Teri Garr: You know, Fernando, I didn’t do that, I didn’t dress up as a man. Dustin dressed up as a woman in that movie. Did you see that movie, “Tootsie”?

    Fernando: Sure.

    Teri Garr: It was about role reversal. He dressed up as a woman. I didn’t dress up as a man.

    Fernando: [ silent ] Jack Warner once said to, I think it was Tyrone Power, “Stop doing that.”

    [ dissolve ]

    Fernando: Who does not, to you, look that good? Let’s just dish for a while. Who do you think don’t look so hot?

    Teri Garr: No, I can’t say!

    Fernando: Yes, you can. In what direction?

    Teri Garr: No, I really can’t! [ laughs ]

    Fernando: Will you tell me later? And then I’ll tell them!

    [ flip over to Fernando talking with Susan Lucci ]

    Fernando: You look mahvelous, darling. You know, if I said to you the name Erica Kane, would you not crazy go nuts, do a somersault and have a frozen yogurt that you could not have because it’s so cold and you get a headache right here? Susan Lucci, you are a fantastic talent, and, of course, the show, which some of you sit there in your lawn chairs in your living room, because they cannot get away, is, of course, “All My Days of My Life”.

    [ dissolve ]

    Fernando: Would you say that some of the guys say, “Ooh, I’m going to little tongue into your mouth.” Do you dever get a guy who’s just a little too fresh with you on the set?

    Susan Lucci: Many times. It is a terrible problem, but I carry Vasatrasin with me at all times. I put it right on, I’m fine.

    Fernando: What is that?

    Susan Lucci: Vasatrasin? You must have Vasatrasin!

    Fernando: I’m from Spain, we only have wild dogs. I don’t know what that means!

    Susan Lucci: It’s an antibiotic. You just put it right on your mouth, and you’re suddenly germ-free.

    Fernando: Is that true?

    Susan Lucci: Yeah!

    Fernando: Could I borrow some of that, because I’m going on the road right after –

    Susan Lucci: [ laughs ] You’ll need it!

    Fernando: I’m telling you that, right now. There’s so much of that jerpes going around, you have to be careful!

    [ flip over to Fernando talking with Morgan Fairchild ]

    Fernando: Deep down inside, when I look at you, you look mahvelous.

    Morgan Fairchild: Thank you.

    Fernando: Have you heard from.. [ wanderer Robert Latta wanders into the scene ] Hello. Can you take my picture? [ Robert snaps a picture ] Thank you, darling. Who are you?

    Robert Latta: Robert Latta.

    Fernando: Robert Latta? Are you one of the 100 stars?

    Robert Latta: No, I just wandered in.

    [ flip over to Fernando talking with Morgan Lynn Swann ]

    Fernando: You played in, uh, how many of the games that they call the, uh.. the Super Bowl?

    Lynn Swann: The Super Bowl. I played in, uh.. four of them.

    Fernando: Four Super Bowls. Is that a world record?

    Lynn Swann: No, no, it’s not a world record. But it’s close, it’s close.

    Fernando: Uh-huh. What is the craziest thing that peopel have said? You know, because I have been a fan of yours for so long, you know, and we’ve seen most of the movies that you have been in. Tell me this: is Terry Bradshaw as dumb as people say?

    Lynn Swann: [ laughs ] Well, I don’t know!

    Fernando: And I don’t mean this is a stoop to get him to say something about Terry! I was shocked when I –

    Lynn Swann: Somebody said he couldn’t spell “cat” if you spotted him the C and the T. Of course, that guy’s not playing football any more!

    Fernando: That’s true! The C and..? [ confused ] Anyway, darling..

    [ dissolve to Fernando standing alone in the hall ]

    Fernando: My friends, this is Fernando saying I’ve had a fantastic at the Night of 100 Stars. If you listen closely.. [ listens ] You hear that? Isaac Stern and Itzhak Perlman are jamming! Fantastic. When these two guys get tohether, all hell breaks loose. And I have met and spoke to some of the stars here, they are marvelous stars. I am so disappointed Hal Linden said no, but what are you going to do? And, uh.. [ looks over and spots Ann-Margaret sitting alone ] Oh, this.. Hello. Ann-Margaret?

    Ann-Margaret: Yes.

    Fernando: Hello, I am Fernando. Could we talk just for a second?

    Ann-Margaret: Yes.

    Fernando: This is, to me, the greatest of all the stars. This is an amazing thing to me. It’s so nice of you to drop by, Ann. You look mahvelous! Absolutely mahvelous! This is like my heart went to Miami to visit my mother!

    [ dissolve ]

    Fernando: Let me ask you this: your best work? “Viva Las Vegas”. Yes or no? What do you think?

    Ann-Margaret: Uh.. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I think the hardest thing I ever did – the roughest – was “Streetcar”.

    Fernando: “Streetcar Named Desire”. You worked with a Mr. Treat Williams.

    Ann-Margaret: Yes. As a matter of fact, he’s over here. [ points off screen ]

    Fernando: Who is over here. [ waves ] Hello, Treat. [ not acknowledged ] No.

    [ dissolve to Ann-Margaret kissing Fernando on the cheek ]

    Fernando V/O: Well, we chatted, and Ann and I both realzied that it was I who indeed looked mahvelous. And she laid one on me, right there.

    [ dissolve to Fernando in Studio 8H ]

    Fernando: And I tell you, my friends, thank God I had my Vasatrasin, I’ll tell you that right now! But, Ann, you’re a mahvelous star. And after seeing all these great stars, including Charles Bronson himself, my friends, who, when I approached him, as I came up to him, he said, “Die, before I kill you!” He’s some joking guy, I’ll tell you that right now, my friends! But after seeing these mahbelous stars, I know once and for all, my friends, that is much better to look good than to feel good. You know who you are!

    SNL Transcripts

    Pamela Sue Martin’s Monologue

    Pamela Sue Martin’s Monologue

    …..Pamela Sue Martin
    Joan Collins…..Jim Belushi

    Pamela Sue Martin: Thank you! It’s great to be here. As you probably know, I left “Dynasty” about a year ago. But people still ask me two questons about the show. First, they want to know: Why did you leave “Dynasty”? The fame, the money, Jeff, the clothes.. Let me try and explain. First, you have to understand – I’m an actress. I needed other creative outlets, other ways to express myself. You see, I could do more than just fill the space between the commercials. I could do the commercials. Kojak is bald and he’s selling Fords. I mean.. “Who loves you, baby?” No one! They love the Carringtons! Right!

    Which brings me to the second question. People always want to know: Is Joan Collins really that beautiful? So.. I brought along a couple of candid snapshots of Joan, I took them of Joan as she was getting into make-up at “Dynasty”. Can a camera get these? [ leafs through the pictures] Um.. oh, boy, this is really candid.. [ looks ] I suppose she’d kill me if I showed that one.. [ continues looking ] Uh.. I just can’t! I mean, this is not fair, I.. Okay, wait a second. I’ll tell you what? Why don’t I just let you see for yourselves how truly beautiful Joan is in person, because she’s here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, my friend and colleague, Joan Collins!

    [ Jim Belushi, dressed as Joan Collins, stands up from the front row of the audience ]

    Pamela Sue Martin: You thought she was taller, right? Be right back!

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Mr. T & Hulk Hogan: 03/30/85

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    March 30th, 1985

    Mr. T

    Hulk Hogan

    The Commodores

    Steve Landesberg


    Rowdy Roddy Piper

    Mr. Wonderful

  • Prince: “I Am Also The World”

    Prince (Billy Crystal) & bodyguards (Mr. T, Hulk Hogan) missed USA For Africa benefit.

  • Mr. T & Hulk Hogan’s Monologue

  • Fisherman Bob

  • Crystal Lake

  • Ronald Reagan Jeans

    (Repeat) See: 02/09/85.

  • Fernando’s Hideaway

    Recurring Characters: Fernando.

  • Fin-de-Siecle Prison Homosexuality

  • Billy Crystal Comdy Film

  • Ohio S&L Funds

  • Steve Landesberg Stand-Up

  • Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

  • The Joe Franklin Show

    Recurring Characters: Joe Franklin, Irving Cohen.

  • The Commodores perform “Night Shift”

  • Rowdy Roddy Piper & Mr. Wonderful

  • Nathan Thurm Takes A Mistress

    Recurring Characters: Nathan Thurm.

  • The Commodores perform “Animal Instinct”

    SNL Transcripts

  • Prince: “I Am Also The World”

    Prince: “I Am Also The World”

    Mark Goodman…Rich Hall
    Prince…Billy Crystal
    Backup Singer #1…Julia-Louis Dreyfuss
    Backup Singer #2…Mary Gross
    Bodyguard #1…Mr. T
    Bodyguard #2…Hulk Hogan
    Bruce Springsteen…Gary Kroeger
    Paul Simon…Martin Short
    Willie Nelson…Jim Belushi
    Cyndi Lauper…Pamela Stephenson

    (Open on video of people polka dancing)

    Polka for Africa Singers:
    “We will polka for peace,
    we will polka for lunch,
    it’s a worldwide polka brunch!”

    (SUPER: POLKA for AFRICA, Send contributions to: P. O. Box 321, Cicero,Illinois)

    (shows video in MTV studio, with Mark Goodman as VJ)

    Mark Goodman: That’s “Polka For Africa”, and I’m Mark Goodman. Speaking of that, as you know, Prince did not appear in the big “USA For Africa” video because he was busy bailing out his bodyguards after they beat up some of his fans outside of a Hollywood restaurant. But now, the sultan of screen has organized his own video effort for the world hunger, and here it is now in an MTV exclusive.

    (opens on Prince’s video, where he is at a recording session with backup singers and bodyguards)

    Backup Singer #1: “There is a time when he must heed a certain call-“

    Backup Singer #2: “Bodyguards calling to be set free.”

    Backup Singers: “But they went ahead, and held the session anyway-“

    “But those muthas aren’t the world without me!
    I am also the world,
    I am also the children,
    I am the one who had to bail them out,
    Now ain’t that givin’!

    It’s a choice I made!
    The kids will have to wait,
    There’s get to be another way to get on MTV.”

    (Bruce Springsteen comes in, Prince signals to his bodyguards, who beat him up)

    Bruce Springsteen: “We are the world, We are the child-“

    (knocked down by bodyguards and carried off)

    Prince: “I am the one who makes a brighter day, but just don’t push me!”

    (Willie Nelson and Paul Simon enter)

    Paul Simon: “Oh, there’s a choice we’re making,”

    Paul Simon and Willie Nelson: “We’re saving our own lives,It’s true-“

    (Willie Nelson and Paul Simon are carried off by bodyguards asthey scream in pain)

    Prince: “I am also the world!”

    Bruce Springsteen: (rising) “We are also the children!”

    (Bodyguard #1 beats Bruce Springsteen to the ground)

    Bodyguard #1: Shut up fool! (To Prince) Not you, sir!

    Prince: “Start giving!”

    (Cyndi Lauper enters)

    Cyndi Lauper: “Well, well, well, let’s realize that a change can only come-“

    (backup singers punch Cyndi in the stomach and knock her to the ground; bodyguards re-enter, Prince pulls open his shirt)

    “I am the world,
    I am the children,
    I am the one who makes a brighter day,”

    Prince and Bodyguards: You wanna make something of it!

    “So I’ve got to say,
    And I know this may sound trite,
    Live from New York,”

    Prince and Bodyguards: “It’s Saturday Night!”

    Thanks to Tony Dumont for this transcript!

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Kathleen Turner: 01/12/85: Boxing Stories

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 10: Episode 10

    84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

    Boxing Stories

    Boxing Stories

    [Gray-haired Tony Manetti, in a cap, apron, andstriped vendor’s uniform, is discovered alone in aspotlight on a darkened Home Base in front of a blackcurtain. He works the aisle at a boxing arena sellingbags of snacks to the patrons. The camera, playing therole of an old friend, trucks slowly towardhim.]

    Tony Manetti: [gravel-throated New York accent]Peanuts, popcorn, twenty-five cents a bag! Let’s go,hurry up. Hey, how ya doin’? How are ya, huh? Peanuts,popcorn, twenty-five cents a bag! Let’s go, there yago, pal. Let’s go. [catches a tossed coin] Oh! Thankyou, pal. Peanuts, popcorn, twenty-five cents abag!

    [stares into approaching camera, points at it, as ifgreeting an old friend] Heyyyyyy! Hey, how areya? Huh? How are ya? Huh? How are ya?Huh? … Who are you? … [recognizes his oldfriend] Oh, yeah! Hey, yeah! How are ya? Yeah, ya lookgood, ya look good. You do. I – I don’t see so good,all this stuff hangin’ over here. Hey, you look good,you look good, you really look good. You do. You do.You look good. I swear, you look good. You do! Youlook great. I think you do. Ya do. Huh? How areya?! …

    Yeah. Hey, you still fightin’? Oh. How come? Youstarted to bleed at the weigh-ins? Yeah, well, youknow … That happens. That happens. Boxing’s a toughgame. We’re in a tough racket. But I love the sweetscience. I love the game. Yeah, these kids today aregreat. These fighters today are great, they is.They’re great, they are. But, you know, I think it’stough, you know? The black fighters today are thegreatest fighters, I think. You know, you got, like,Tommy Hearns is great. And the Marvelous MarvinHamlisch, he’s great! They’re all great! …

    See? See, but I think we had it tougher when we wasfightin’, right? Because, like, the Jewish fighterswere fightin’ then. And the Jews are tougher to fight,I think, because the Jews are used to fightin’ athome. … You know what I mean? All day long, they’regoin’ “Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!” “Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!””Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!” “What did I do?” “You left thatmuch soda in the bottle, ya put it back in therefrigerator! Drive me nuts!” “Oh, yeah? Who the hellleaves an egg in a cup stinkin’ up the place? Youknow? You makin’ me crazy! It’s disgusting!” “Oh,yeah? You bought retail!” “I did not!” “Yadid!” “Ya didn’t!” “Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!” “And youain’t so kosher! When you eat out, I seen you eatshellfish!” “I did not!” “Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!”So by the time they get in the ring, they’re nuts,right? … I get in the ring, they look at me and go,”You did!” I go, “I didn’t!” AND THEY BEAT THE HELLOUT O’ ME! …

    [calms down, grins, gently] But I look better now,don’t I? Yeah, I – I got this fixed. [points to hisnose] Yeah, yeah, I had it put in the middle. Butthat’s it. … That’s all. See? See? See? See? Andnow, now there’s this whole movement, you know, youknow, to stop boxin’! They wanna stop boxin’! They do.You know, that group, what do you call that, eh –?Right! The, uh, the AMA! They wanna ban boxin’. Theythink that guys – They think that guys – They thinkthat guys get hurt! Listen. I had over a hundredfights. And I NEVER was REALLY hurt. You know? I evenfought nine fights in one night. Nine. Because none ofthe other fighters showed up. … I fought nine fightsin one night because I loved it! And this group –this, uh, A.F.L. — thinks they know – they know whatgettin’ hurt is. All right. I’ll tell ya about that.Sunnyside Gardens in Queens. I’m fightin’, uh, Ernesto”the Gardener” Torres, right? Now, Ernesto breaks mynose, he does, in the first round. Clean. Pow! Rightthere. My eyes are shut and, finally, after a littlebit, I visit the – the canvas, you know? I go down, Igo down, I do. The referee comes over and he says,”Tony! How many fingers am I holdin’ up?!” I looked athim and I said, “I think I’ll order the lamb chops,please.” Now …

    This, ah, NBA group thinks that that is hurt. Iwas STUNNED! That’s all! I was NOT hurt! … [pause]What? I’m sorry. I – I went to Coney Island for asecond. Now … See – see, this now – It makes memad, you know. If – if – if they wanna stop theviolence in boxin’, don’t let nobody ride the subwayto the arena, that’s all. But let me tell ya this.They can’t stop the boxing. They can’t – Theycan’t take these kids’ futures away from them, youknow what I’m sayin’? The thing about it– See, thefighters could help themselves. They could.They could help themselves. You just gotta know whenit’s time to QUIT! You know when it was time for me toquit? The eighth fight o’ that night. You know? … Ihit the canvas for the thirteenth time, see, see, see?And I looked out over the crowd – and I seen afamiliar face in the third row goin’ [whispers] “Staydown, Tony. Stay down.” [beat] It was ME! … That’swhen it’s time to get out. You know? So, you tell thisgroup, y’see? See, even that night, I wasn’t hurtthen. I was just DAZED! That’s it. So this group,this, uh, this CIA group, they don’t– I hope this,uh, MBL don’t ever stop the sweet science. Don’t stopthe sweet science. You know? If they stopped it, wewouldn’t’a’ had the Joe Louis, we wouldn’t’a’ had theAlis, we wouldn’t’a’ had these people if they hadstopped it. See, this group, they DON’T KNOW NOTHIN’!

    Now, lemme tell ya somethin’, pal. You know, I had alot o’ fights. An’ I took a lot o’ punches. An’, tokeep my health, I took a brain scan. And you knowsomethin’? They didn’t find nothin’. … So,tell that to that group, I’ll tell ya that right now.Hey, did you hear the bell for the fights? Ya did?Whew! Good. All right. Now, listen. I’ll, uh, I’ll,uh, wait for ya, if you – you wanna get togetherafterwards, after the fights, if you wanna see me,after, we– Yeah. Yeah, I would love to have abeer with you. We’d be breakin’ training, though.Yeah, okay, come on! Yeah, I’ll be right there! Wherethe hell else am I goin’? All right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.Okay, see ya. [the camera tracks back and away fromTony as he goes back to work] Peanuts, popcorn,twenty-five cents a bag! Hey, how are ya?!

    [Cheers. Applause. Tony shadowboxes. Dissolve to awider view of the Studio 8H audience.Fade.]

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Christopher Reeve: 04/06/85

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    April 6th, 1985

    Christopher Reeve


    Steven Wright

    Calvert DeForest

    Santana, “Say It Again”

  • A.D. 13, Part V, A New Beginning

    Recurring Characters: Doug Henning.

  • Christopher Reeve’s Monologue

  • Superman Auditions

  • Jackie Rogers Jr.’s $100,000 Jackpot Wad

    Recurring Characters: Jackie Rogers Jr., Rajeev Vindaloo, Sammy Davis, Jr.

  • Steven Wright Stand-Up

  • Dumb Escapes

  • Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    Recurring Characters: Paul Harvey, Buddy Young, Jr.

  • Santana performs “Say It Again”

  • Superman Nursing Home

  • Talk Back

  • Santana performs “Right Now”

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Roy Scheider: 01/19/85

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    January 19th, 1985

    Roy Scheider

    Billy Ocean

    Steven Wright

    Billy Ocean, “Caribbean Queen”

  • The Inauguration

  • Roy Scheider’s Monologue

  • Ricky & Phil

    Recurring Characters: Ricky, Phil.

  • Super Bowl XIX Tickets Sale

  • Steven Wright Stand-Up

  • Foldgers Crystals

    (Repeat) See: 04/07/84

  • In Praise of Women

  • Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    Recurring Characters: Angela Bradleigh.

  • Penny Lane

  • Good Cop, Bad Cop

    Recurring Characters: Lawrence.

  • Billy Ocean performs “Caribbean Queen”

  • Mental Hospital

    Recurring Characters: Consuela, Chi Chi.

  • Billy Ocean performs “Loverboy”

    SNL Transcripts