SNL Transcripts: Howard Cosell: 04/13/85


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

April 13th, 1985

Howard Cosell

Greg Kihn

None

Greg Kihn, “Lucky”

  • You Know What I Hate?

    Recurring Characters: Willie, Frankie.

  • Howard Cosell’s Monologue

  • Ed Grimley

    Recurring Characters: Ed Grimley.

  • Inside Out

  • Run, Throw & Catch Like A Girl Olympics

  • Cosell’s Bar Mitzvah

  • Sports Beat

    Recurring Characters: Tony Minetti

  • Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    Recurring Characters: Nathan Thurm, Dwight MacNamara, Robert Latta.

  • Greg Kihn performs “Boys Won’t”

  • Fernando’s Hideaway

    Recurring Characters: Fernando.

  • A Couple Of Red Guys Rap

  • Good Sex with Dr. Ruth Westheimer

  • Greg Kihn performs “Lucky”

    SNL Transcripts

  • Index of /84

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    Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    … Christopher Guest
    Caspar Weinberger … Rich Hall
    Buddy Young, Jr. … Billy Crystal
    … Waylon Jennings
    … Johnny Cash
    … Christopher Reeve


    [Music. SUPER: SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS against a nocturnalNew York City skyline.]

    Don Pardo V/O: And now Saturday Night News withanchorperson Christopher Guest.

    [Cheers and applause as the SUPER disappears and wepan over to a squinting Chris Guest, in suit and tieand seated at the news desk — his hair a wet,disheveled mess because it had to be washed after heplayed the oily-haired Phil in the previoussketch.]

    Christopher Guest: Thank you. Thank you, DonPardo. Our top story tonight:

    An SNL News weather advisory. The temperature here inNew York is a warm eighty-two degrees with thehumidity a comfortable fifty-four. However, the windis from the north at two hundred and sixty-five milesan hour … which, of course, is creating a wind chillfactor of ninety-one degrees below zero. … So bundleup — but take your sunglasses. …

    Even though it has undergone extensive criticism forwaste, fraud and cost overruns, the Defense Departmentis asking for a record 285 billion dollars for 1986.With a response to this criticism, we have DefenseSecretary Caspar Weinberger standing by at thePentagon. [Chris turns to Weinberger who appears onthe screen behind him] Mr. Weinberger, what do youhave to say to the nation’s rising tide of resentmentagainst military spending?

    Caspar Weinberger: [shakes his head sadly]Bounces right off of me, Chris. I’m not gonna backdown. I want 285 billion dollars. I am intractable onthat. I’ve said over and over and over, there’snothing more important than the defense of this nationand yet every year I have to go in front of Congress,I have to fight tooth and nail to get every penny todefend this country and I’m just not gonna do it anymore. I have my dignity. I’m not gonna plead any more.I’m not gonna wheedle. I’m simply – gonna hold mybreath till I get 285 billion dollars. …

    Christopher Guest: Mr. Weinberger, perhaps youcould– [Weinberger puffs out his cheeks and holds hisbreath] … scuttle the MX program? [Weinberger shakeshis head “no”] … Maybe overhaul the bloated militarypension. [Weinberger checks his wristwatch, shakes hishead, waves dismissively at Chris’ suggestion] …What about – what about those eight hundredseventy-nine dollar claw hammers? Fine. Then just keepholding your breath, Mr. Weinberger, and we’ll checkback with you later. [Weinberger nods, Chris addressesthe camera] Secretary of Defense CasparWeinberger.

    The Bernhard Goetz saga continues to unfold with asecond victim now suing the subway sheriff forviolating his civil rights. First, the family of ahospitalized victim filed a federal court suitdemanding fifty million dollars in damages. This week,another victim was in court asking for five milliondollars – to which Goetz reportedly replied, “Sure.I’ve got five million – for each of you.” …

    [Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagan kissing] Only fourmore days till Valentine’s Day so we’d like to do ourannual tribute to romance. What better place to startthan the Reagan White House. [gentle romantic musiccreeps in under the following] The Reagans areprobably the most affectionate presidential couplesince Ulysses S. Grant and his lovely wife Darlene …who reportedly recreated the burning of Atlanta in theLincoln bedroom. … [Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagancuddling indoors] Ron and Nancy love to kiss inprivate. [Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagan kissing asmilitary men look on] And in public. They have noshame. [Photo of Nancy Reagan kissing Frank Sinatra]At least, Nancy doesn’t. … They just go on -[another photo of Ron and Nancy kissing] and on -[another photo] and on – and on. [Photo of RonaldReagan hugging former Secretary of State HenryKissinger] Even Ron needs a break now and then. …That’s his old pal Henry Kissinger. [Photo of RonaldReagan hugging someone in a giant bear costume] Andhis daughter Maureen. … [Photo of Ronald Reaganhugging someone in a giant dog costume] And his newdog Lucky. …

    Of course, affection in high places isn’t restrictedto this administration. [Photo of Jimmy Carter kissingJacqueline Kennedy] Jimmy Carter and JacquelineKennedy, the original odd couple. … [Photo ofbare-chested Prince Charles and unidentified woman]That’s Britain’s Prince Charles and — anybody. …[Photo of Cuban leader Fidel Castro embracing DanielOrtega] Fidel Castro and Nicaraguan president Ortegaat a romantic Club Med in the Caribbean. … [Photo ofthe Rev. Jesse Jackson and a smiling Palestinianleader Yasser Arafat embracing] Here’s an affectionatepair. … Eh? Actually, Reverend Jackson is a mostaffectionate person. He loves to hug. [Photo ofJackson hugging a man] And embrace. [Photo of Jacksonembracing someone] And kiss. [Photo of Jackson kissingan elderly white woman] And hug some more. [Photo ofJackson hugging an elderly black woman] And hisaffection has no religious boundaries. [Photo ofJackson with his arm around Jewish entertainer SammyDavis, Jr.] … Of course, Pope John Paul II is anaffectionate man. [A series of photos of the Popekissing various airport runways] … He loves to kissairports … no matter where he lands. … It’srumored that he’s spread mononucleosis all over theworld. … And here he is at Orly Airport in Pariswhere the question arose: did he French kiss thetarmac? … We’ll never know. Happy Valentine’s Day.[applause]

    Returning home after two years of exile in America,South Korean opposition leader Kim Dae-Jung and hisentourage were beaten, kicked, punched and shoved uponlanding at Seoul’s Kimpo International Airport. TheSouth Korean government, however, denied anywrongdoing, claiming that Kim and his group hadignored repeated orders to, quote, “Wait until theaircraft comes to a complete stop before moving itemsfrom the overhead racks.” …

    Let’s check back now with Mr. Weinberger and see ifthere are any further developments. [Weinberger,cheeks still puffed out, looks at his wristwatch withmassively bulging eyeballs that nearly pop out oftheir sockets] … Caspar? [Weinberger shakes his headand waves dismissively at Chris] Caspar, you haven’tbacked down yet I see. Fine.

    After being out of sight for several weeks, Sovietpremier Konstantin [mangles the pronunciation andkeeps trying till he gets it right] Chernenko – orKonstantin Chernenko – Chernenko – Chernenko hasfinally turned up at the Betty Ford RehabilitationCenter in Palm Springs. …

    This week, a Senate subcommittee heard arguments forand against the banning of beer ads from TV. Opponentsof the commercials say that beer ads glamorize alcoholand contribute to its abuse. [belches] … ‘Scuse me…. Personally, I disagree but we’ll have more on thatstory as details come up.

    Once again, from the Pentagon, holding his breathuntil he gets 285 billion dollars, here is CasparWeinberger. [Weinberger’s head, now an inflatedballoon with a face painted on it, abruptly collapseswith a squishy popping noise] … Well, there you haveit. Caspar Weinberger.

    Christopher Guest: Now, with a restaurantreview, our special reporter, a legend in comedy, Mr.Buddy Young, Jr.

    [Applause for Buddy, a cigar-chomping, middle-agedinsult comedian who wears an ugly maroon tuxedo. Heencourages the applause as his cheesy nightclub thememusic plays. Chris, meanwhile, is drying his hair witha towel.]

    Buddy Young, Jr.: Thank you very much, Chris.By the way, I spoke to your doctor — you diedThursday. [rolls his eyes] … Anyway, Valentine’s Dayis coming. What a stupid holiday — give candy tosomebody you love to give pimples to, you don’t wannasee ’em no more! [mild reaction from crowd, Buddyrepeats vehemently:] See ’em no more! … [mildreaction from crowd]

    Anyway, what’s more romantic than Hawaiian food?Plaster of Paris! I’ll tell ya that. At least, it’sFrench. Anyway– [zero reaction from crowd, Buddylooks annoyed] This is a rough room. … I go to the,uh– [to Chris] I spoke to the mortician — he said,”Just drop by!” [makes a face] …

    So I go to this Hawaiian joint, “Don Ho’s Blue Flame.”I walk in there — I never seen so many bad shirts inone room in my life! … The shirts are louder thanthe music. Which is okay. Have you heard Hawaiianmusic? It’s not music — sounds like a cat in heat,this stuff, I’ll tell ya that right now. [Buddybriefly mimics Hawaiian music, another weak reaction]Get out of here. [to the cue card guy] Skip the card!Then … The Hawaiian language is nuts. It’s not alanguage. What are they belching? Wukka-wukka-mukka-lukka-wukka! Mukka-lukka-wukka![more weak response from crowd, to the cue card guy] Itold you, skip the card! Then …

    This waiter, big sweaty guy, brings over the firstthing. It’s called poi! Could you eat somethingcalled poi? He comes over, he says, “Youhaven’t touched your poi.” I said, “Flush it down thepoilet!” I’ll tell ya that right now. …[crowd finally gets into it, rim shot, Buddy says todrummer:] Thank you! Where the hell–? What’d you do,come by bus? … [applause]

    You know, I’m like Woody Herman: I fly, they go bybus. Anyway– [crowd doesn’t get it] Then he brings mean appetizer. [off the obscure reference to jazzmusician Woody Herman] That’s one for the band.[continues his review] They bring an appetizer. It’scalled a puu-puu platter! … What’s appetizing aboutpuu-puu? I’ll tell ya that. I’m a grown man, I havetrouble going across a table saying, “Excuse me, can Ihave some more puu-puu?” … And the guy goes, “I’msorry, I’m still working on my poi!” … Then,they bring the main thing. Two fat kids with a flamingthing on parallel bars. I say, “What the hell is that– Mary Lou Retton?” … It’s disgusting! It’s a pig,they tell me. … They tell me it’s a pig! Folks[raises a hand to the crowd, slight pause] — I’m aJew. … The only thing I could eat was theapple. I’ll tell ya that. … And they HEATTHAT! Who the hell heats fruit?! … You knowwhat I’m talkin’ about? [points to his mouth] I got athing hangin’ here from a – from a pineapple thatburned me. It was disgusting. … I’ll tell ya, it’snuts. [to Chris who is cracking up] Try to cheer down,Chris — you got the job. …

    But let me tell ya this, folks. You like Italian food,huh? Huh? Then don’t go to this Hawaiian place! [zeroreaction, Buddy peers up at the silent balcony] What’dyou do, come from New Jersey? … What exit, babe,huh? … [rises from desk, grabs a hand mike and headsdown to the audience] I tell ya, folks, it’s wild,it’s nuts, this Hawaiian thing. It’s taken thecountry– [to a bearded man with a black cowboy hatsitting in the front row] Hello, how ya doin’? Hey, Iknow you. Jesse James, am I right? … What’s yourname, sir?

    Waylon Jennings: Waylon Jennings.

    Buddy Young, Jr.: Yeah, right. [cheers andapplause for the popular country singer who, with hishat and long hair, resembles a Hasidic Jew] So, uh,let me ask you this, Waylon — when did ya go Hasid onus here with the hat and the thing? … I tell ya,it’s too wacky. [to another man in the front row] Andyou must be, er–?

    Johnny Cash: Johnny Cash. [cheers and applausefor the legendary singer who sits next to his wifeJune Carter Cash]

    Buddy Young, Jr.: Who cares? … You know whatI’m sayin’? [fingers Johnny’s multi-coloredneckerchief] Good to see you workin’ with new colorsthese days, Johnny. … Do you believe he’s got thePortuguese flag around his throat? … Johnny, fromthe bottom of my heart — it’s over. You knowwhat I’m sayin’? … [to the crowd] No, seriously. Ikid Johnny — he’s a big star. [to Johnny] Does JackLord know you have his hair? … [Johnny really cracksup at this, the crowd cheers and applauds, Buddy putsa friendly hand on Johnny’s shoulder] How ya doin’?It’s a pleasure. I’m wild about this guy. Wild abouthim. What a night! [shakes hands with a big-haired manin the second row who appears to be country singerMarty Stuart] How ya doin’? What’d you do, sit onsomething electric when you came in? … [shakes handswith a handsome man wearing a pullover sweater in thesecond row] I know you, big guy, huh? What’s yourname?

    Christopher Reeve: Christopher Reeve.

    Buddy Young, Jr.: Chris, right. [cheers andapplause for the actor best remembered as Superman]Yes. And I’m Sabu. … Right, Christopher Reeve.That’s really wild. [to a woman sitting next to Reeveand wearing big earrings] Look, what d’you got,kryptonite in your earrings there? … See? I’mtopical! Berle said I’m not topical! You know, thisHawaiian thing is gettin’ me nuts. [to Chris at thenews desk] You know what it is, though, Chris? What weneed is love today! We don’t– [points to the balcony]You got love up there?! [crowd responds positively]Hey, how ya doin’? We don’t have love! We need lovetoday! [Buddy, returning to his seat, nearly hits hisgroin against the news desk] Oh! Excuse me! Ho! I wasalmost Jewish again! …

    [Buddy sits] I tell ya, it’s wild. [to the front rowcelebrities] You guys are good sports. [to the crowd]But, bottom line, folks, I’ll tell ya this– Bott–Who–? [Buddy’s microphone cord has gotten caught onthe desk, he tries to pull it loose] What’d I do,catch a halibut? … I tell ya, it’s too wacky. …[glares at a gum-chewing Christopher Guest who istrying to keep a straight face] Who does your hair,Chris — a tornado? I’ll tell ya that right now, it’swild. [to the crowd] Bottom line, folks, “Don Ho’sBlue Flame” stinks! [drops the mike on the deskwith disgust] Back to you, Chris. Get out ofhere.

    [Buddy’s theme music begins. Cheers and applause asChris salutes the crowd.]

    Christopher Guest: Good night!

    [Buddy and Chris rise, stand behind the desk andconverse as we fade out.]

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts

    Ricky & Phil Play Trivial Pursuit

    84m: Harry Anderson / Bryan Adams

    Ricky & Phil Play Trivial Pursuit

    Ricky … Billy Crystal
    Phil … Christopher Guest


    [Greasy-haired Ricky, in his red, white and bluebowling shirt, approaches the window of his Brooklynapartment and peers out at the falling snow.]

    Ricky: Ooh, wow. Look at the snow. It’s really,really unbelievable! I can’t believe it! Mustbe two feet down there. Hate to be a midget on a daylike this! [laughs his dorky laugh] It is really,really so amazing, it’s unbelievable! [turns from thewindow to the closed bathroom door] Hey! Hey, Phil!What are you doin’ in there? You all right?

    [Ricky rolls his eyes as he hears the toilet flush.His roommate Phil, with slicked-back hair and a loudbrown shirt, emerges a moment later.]

    Ricky: Hey, what took you so long? I was gonnasend out a search party.

    Phil: I was readin’!

    Ricky: Oh, good. Can I go in my own bathroomnow?

    Phil: I’d let it simmer down if I wasyou.

    Ricky: Great. Why don’t you eat, like,more Mexican food, all right?

    Phil: Why don’t you shave your back, allright?

    Ricky: I will. I will. Eh, why don’t you get,like, older underwear, okay? With, like,more holes in it? Matter of fact, why don’t youjust wear a waistband and forget the whole thing,okay?

    Phil: You’re a douchebag.

    Ricky: Hey!

    Phil: Hey, you! Hey!

    Ricky: Hey, hey-ey-ey-ey, all right. [Ricky andPhil walk to the kitchen table] What were you readin’in there that took so long?

    Phil: This survival magazine. [shows Ricky anad in the magazine] This thing here. Look at this.Look at this. Look at this. Tattooing equipment,here.

    Ricky: Uh huh?

    Phil: You got your own machinery —

    Ricky: Mm hm?

    Phil: –designs. Enough to start your ownbusiness. No experience necessary.

    Ricky: That’s us! We got noexperience! In every field! [laughs dorkily]Okay. [Ricky and Phil sit at the cluttered kitchentable where a game of Trivial Pursuit is in progress]All right, whose move?

    Phil: It’s, uh, your move here.

    Ricky: [picks up the die] I’ll go, I’ll go,I’ll go. [blows on die for luck, rolls it] Ooh. Three.[moves game piece] Oh, no! History. [turns away, putshand to face and rolls his eyes as Phil carefullypulls a card from the box]

    Phil: [reads from card] “What famous presidentis on the five dollar bill?” [Phil stares at Rickywhose eyes are shut — after a pause, he starts again]”What famous pr–?”

    Ricky: I heard you the first time! Give meanother one. [annoyed, Phil sighs] Come on.

    Phil: [reads from card] “What animal does woolcome from?”

    Ricky: Ooh, I know this. [eyes closed, shakingwith effort, gives up] Uhhh, gimme anotherone.

    Phil: [reads from card] “What classic–? Whodirected — who directed what classic GermanExpressionistic film called, Cabinet of Dr.Caligari?”

    Ricky: [immediately and rapidly] The picturewas made in 1919, directed by Robert Weine, with ascreenplay by Carl Mayer and Hans Janowitz,cinematography by Willy Hameister.

    Phil: You’re right.

    Ricky: This game is so easy! It’sunbelievable! [laughs] I tell you this, Phil,when I know all that stuff about cinema and stuff, itconvinces me that what I was born to do is to direct amajor motion picture.

    Phil: Why don’t you direct your face to a bigbottle of mouthwash in the bathroom, all right? Thisis crazy here.

    Ricky: Okay, I would like to go into thebathroom but it smells like a possum exploded inthere!

    Phil: Hey, Doody-head, you do me a favor,right?

    Ricky: Right.

    Phil: You know so much about the movies,right?

    Ricky: Right.

    Phil: You answer me a question here. [picks upa newspaper] These Academy Award nominations,here?

    Ricky: Right, right.

    Phil: You explain this to me. For “BestPicture,” right?

    Ricky: Okay.

    Phil: [reads from newspaper] “Passage toIndia”?

    Ricky: Right.

    Phil: Right? [reads from newspaper] “Soldier’sStory”?

    Ricky: Good.

    Phil: [reads from newspaper] “Amadeus”?[mispronounced “uh-MADE-EE-us”]

    Ricky: Right.

    Phil: I mean, what is this here? What happenedto these good pictures like “Avenging Angel,” youknow?

    Ricky: Mm hm.

    Phil: And, like, “The Terminator”? You knowwhat I’m talkin’ about here?

    Ricky: Mm hm. Mm hm.

    Phil: Well, I mean, what–? Not to mention”Silver Spoons”! With that kid, uh — what’s his name?– Ricky Schreiber?

    Ricky: Mm.

    Phil: He’s great!

    Ricky: He’s unbelievable! But I got totell you this, Phil. You gotta understand. It’s likeall politics in Hollywood out there. It’s, like, whoyou play, like, tennis with, you know, and who you eatguacamole with, you know? It’s like, you gottaunderstand the inner workings of the Academy of Artsand Leisure.

    Phil: You’re right, know that?

    Ricky: Mm hm.

    Phil: Let’s – let’s do this.

    Ricky: What?

    Phil: Let’s each of us take a poll, allright?

    Ricky: Okay.

    Phil: We’ll each chip in one dollar apiece,right?

    Ricky: Okay, okay.

    Phil: And then we’ll mark down who we thinkshould win what award, all right?

    Ricky: Absolutely!

    Phil: All right, here we go. Who do you thinkfor “Best Actor”?

    Ricky: “Best Actor”?

    Phil: Right.

    Ricky: Let’s see, let’s see. I’m gonna pickthis guy, this F. Murray Abraham.

    Phil: The guy from “Amadeus,” right?[mispronounced “uh-MADE-EE-us”]

    Ricky: Right.

    Phil: Why?

    Ricky: Because, see, he’s got a trick name.See? It’s F-period-Murray Abraham, see? You knowanybody named “F”? You ever call up anybody and go”Hello? Is ‘F’ there?” No, right? So, when the Academyguys, they gotta vote, they go “Who could be, like, aBest Actor?” and they think, “Oooh! The F guy! He mustbe really, really great ’cause he got a F for a name.”See? That’s how they think.

    Phil: That’s pretty smart.

    Ricky: Yeah. Now, who you gonna pick for “BestActor,” hm?

    [As Phil speaks, Ricky rises, goes to the kitchensink, pulls two fresh cans of beer from a six-packchilling there, and returns with them to thetable.]

    Phil: Pinocchio. That guy is great. That guy isgreat. You know, he’s amazing. First, he was wood. Andthen he’s sort of real. And then he’s like part of adonkey, you know? Then he’s like swimming underwaterand everything. I mean, this guy was great!

    Ricky: Is it possible, Phil, that there issomebody in this world who is stupider than you?Pinocchio? Pinocchio’s not real. He’s acartoon.

    Phil: [stares at Ricky in disbelief]Cartoon?

    Ricky: Yeah.

    Phil: [after a beat] That’s a good make-up jobhe’s got.

    Ricky: [sits, sets beer on table] You are sostupid, it’s unbelievable! You are so stupid,you are unbelievable!

    Phil: I’m stupid?

    Ricky: Right.

    Phil: Let me ask you a question, all right?

    Ricky: Okay.

    Phil: Would it be possible for you to havemore blackheads on your forehead? Could you dothat for me? [Ricky nods ironically] Good.

    Ricky: Could you bathe, like, less in your lifeso it stinks more under your armpits? Could you dothat for me?

    Phil: Sure.

    Ricky: You got waves of that stuff comin’off.

    Phil: Sure, sure, if you’ll do this for me.Maybe have more dandruff, all right?

    Ricky: Okay.

    Phil: So when you’re eating, more big flakes ofthings will fall down onto your fish sticks. Do thatfor me, all right?

    Ricky: I will do that for you when you pickyour nose more in church, all right? [mimespicking his nose] Get your hand right up inside yourskull. Get both hands up there so yougot–

    Phil: Why don’t you do me a favor? Do me afavor.

    Ricky: –two elbows comin’ out of your noselike this and go, “What is that? What is that?” “It’selbows!”

    Phil: Hey, hey, hey!

    Ricky: What?

    Phil: Schnaubel!

    Ricky: What?

    Phil: Get more dirt under your nails,all right?

    Ricky: Okay.

    Phil: More filth. Infect the whole borough ofBrooklyn, all right?

    Ricky: That’s very good.

    Phil: Do me a favor.

    Ricky: I will do that. Why don’t you killmore plants in the neighborhood with thetoe-jam in your feet, all right? [mimes plants keelingover] Like, plants goin’ “Whoa,” like that! “Whoa,”like that!

    Phil: [raises both hands] Truce! Truce! Truce!Truce! Truce!

    Ricky: Okay. [points to newspaper] “BestActress”?

    Phil: Sally Field.

    Ricky: Why?

    Phil: ‘Cause she was so good in “The Singin’Nun.”

    Ricky: You are amazingly dumb. I tell you thatright now. It’s a good thing that you’re not in theAcademy ’cause the votes’d get like really, reallyscrewed up. You’d, like, vote for Flipper or somethinglike that. I’ll tell you that right now. [Ricky andPhil pop the tops on their beer cans] You know, Phil?I got me a idea. [laughs] We do this. We take a bus toLos Angeles, right?

    Phil: Right.

    Ricky: We get out to there before the AcademyAwards. Take a day to get over the bus lag.

    Phil: Right.

    Ricky: But then, we go to the Academy Awardsthemselves, right? We sneak in there and we find thetwo guys who guard the ballots. They’re, uh–

    Phil: Price and Porterhouse!

    Ricky: Right! We go up to these guys, right?Oh, this is so good. And we give ’em a conk on thehead, right?

    Phil: Right.

    Ricky: We knock ’em out cold. Take off theirshirts. Give ’em a pink belly!

    Phil: Right.

    Ricky: [laughs] And then we take ourwinners and we exchange ’em for theirwinners.

    Phil: Place ’em! So then when Gregory Peck –the guy from “Moby Dick,” right?

    Ricky: Right.

    Phil: He comes out. He says, like, “The bestpicture o’ the year is–” and he opens theenvelope–

    Ricky: Right.

    Phil: –please — “Avenging Angel”!

    Ricky: Right! [laughs] It would beunbelievable!

    Phil: That would be great! That’s a deal,right?

    Ricky: It’s a deal! [they shake handsenthusiastically] Okay! All right!

    Ricky & Phil: [happily grabbing two dispensers,they press them together] Pez people! Mmmmm. Oooooh.[they each dispense Pez candy into their mouths, thenreturn to the game]

    Ricky: All right, whose turn is thisnow?

    Phil: Whose turn is it? It’s your turn. My–?No. I don’t know whose turn it is.

    Ricky: How could you not know whose turn it is?Would you have a less of an IQ, is thatpossible?

    Phil: Yeah, when your head gets smaller. Couldit get, like, a golf ball? That would be good.

    Ricky: My head gets smaller?

    Phil: Then I could crush it. Yeah,sure.

    Ricky: Yeah, great. Could you have moregrease stains on your elbows?

    Phil: I might be able to but–

    [Applause drowns out the rest. Dissolve to a widerview of the set and the Studio 8H audience.Fade.]

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Pamela Sue Martin: 02/16/85


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    February 16th, 1985

    Pamela Sue Martin

    Power Station

    Teri Garr

    Susan Lucci

    Lynn Swann

    Ann-Margret

    Power Station, “Some Like It Hot”

  • Pamela Sue Martin’s Monologue

  • Strategic Airborne Contraceptive

    (Repeat) See: 11/10/84.

  • The Joe Franklin Show

    Recurring Characters: Joe Franklin, Jackie Rogers, Jr.

  • Half of A Couple Of White Guys & His Wife Rap

  • Fernando at Night of 100 Stars

    Recurring Characters: Fernando.

  • Rich Hall Stand-Up

  • Jim Belushi’s Promise

  • You Know What I Hate?

    Recurring Characters: Willie, Frankie.

  • Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    Recurring Characters: Dwight MacNamara.

  • Power Station performs “Some Like It Hot”

  • First Draft Theatre

  • Linda Evans & Joan Collins Catfight Album

  • Tom, Dick & Horny

  • Power Station performs “Get It On (Bang A Gong)”

  • Bullet Cartoon

    SNL Transcripts

  • Fernando at Night of 100 Stars


    Fernando at Night of 100 Stars

    Fernando…..Billy Crystal
    …..Teri Garr
    …..Susan Lucci
    …..Morgan Fairchild
    Robert Latta…..Rich Hall
    …..Lynn Swann
    …..Ann-Margaret


    [ open on Fernando standing outside of Radio City Music Hall ]

    Fernando: Saludos, my darlings. I am Fernando, standing outside historic Radio City Music Hall, where tommorow the Night of 100 Stars is going to take place. It is totally sold out, it is so exciting, I am crazy going nuts. I am standing here in a gray cashmere coat and a towel that Red Buttons gave to me. And we are going to go inside and meet some of the 100 stars. So, let’s go in, because I am freezing my castanets off, I’ll tell you that right now!

    [ dissolve to Fernando inside, talking with Teri Garr ]

    Fernando: If I said to you, my friends, “Mr. Mom”, “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”, “Tootsie”, Academy Award nomination, you would probably think to yourself: Teri Garr. And that’s what I’m thinking, because she’s really here. And I’m telling you, you look mahvelous, darling, you really do. Tell me, what do you think about this whole night of 100 stars? I’m going nuts here!

    Teri Garr: Me, too. I’m just so nervous, I’m nervous as a cat.

    Fernando: You are nervous. But you such a big star, darling. First of all, what is all these hairs on your sweater? Was Lorne Green rolling around on your body for a little while?

    Teri Garr: It’s from a coat I bought, on sale.

    Fernando: That is why, you know that, I’ll tell you that right now.

    [ dissolve ]

    Fernando: Teri, let me ask you this: you know, how do you prepare for a role? When you played Tootsie, and you have to get dressed up as a man to go out and get a job.. that must be very difficult to lace up and tighten things down to do that.

    Teri Garr: You know, Fernando, I didn’t do that, I didn’t dress up as a man. Dustin dressed up as a woman in that movie. Did you see that movie, “Tootsie”?

    Fernando: Sure.

    Teri Garr: It was about role reversal. He dressed up as a woman. I didn’t dress up as a man.

    Fernando: [ silent ] Jack Warner once said to, I think it was Tyrone Power, “Stop doing that.”

    [ dissolve ]

    Fernando: Who does not, to you, look that good? Let’s just dish for a while. Who do you think don’t look so hot?

    Teri Garr: No, I can’t say!

    Fernando: Yes, you can. In what direction?

    Teri Garr: No, I really can’t! [ laughs ]

    Fernando: Will you tell me later? And then I’ll tell them!

    [ flip over to Fernando talking with Susan Lucci ]

    Fernando: You look mahvelous, darling. You know, if I said to you the name Erica Kane, would you not crazy go nuts, do a somersault and have a frozen yogurt that you could not have because it’s so cold and you get a headache right here? Susan Lucci, you are a fantastic talent, and, of course, the show, which some of you sit there in your lawn chairs in your living room, because they cannot get away, is, of course, “All My Days of My Life”.

    [ dissolve ]

    Fernando: Would you say that some of the guys say, “Ooh, I’m going to little tongue into your mouth.” Do you dever get a guy who’s just a little too fresh with you on the set?

    Susan Lucci: Many times. It is a terrible problem, but I carry Vasatrasin with me at all times. I put it right on, I’m fine.

    Fernando: What is that?

    Susan Lucci: Vasatrasin? You must have Vasatrasin!

    Fernando: I’m from Spain, we only have wild dogs. I don’t know what that means!

    Susan Lucci: It’s an antibiotic. You just put it right on your mouth, and you’re suddenly germ-free.

    Fernando: Is that true?

    Susan Lucci: Yeah!

    Fernando: Could I borrow some of that, because I’m going on the road right after –

    Susan Lucci: [ laughs ] You’ll need it!

    Fernando: I’m telling you that, right now. There’s so much of that jerpes going around, you have to be careful!

    [ flip over to Fernando talking with Morgan Fairchild ]

    Fernando: Deep down inside, when I look at you, you look mahvelous.

    Morgan Fairchild: Thank you.

    Fernando: Have you heard from.. [ wanderer Robert Latta wanders into the scene ] Hello. Can you take my picture? [ Robert snaps a picture ] Thank you, darling. Who are you?

    Robert Latta: Robert Latta.

    Fernando: Robert Latta? Are you one of the 100 stars?

    Robert Latta: No, I just wandered in.

    [ flip over to Fernando talking with Morgan Lynn Swann ]

    Fernando: You played in, uh, how many of the games that they call the, uh.. the Super Bowl?

    Lynn Swann: The Super Bowl. I played in, uh.. four of them.

    Fernando: Four Super Bowls. Is that a world record?

    Lynn Swann: No, no, it’s not a world record. But it’s close, it’s close.

    Fernando: Uh-huh. What is the craziest thing that peopel have said? You know, because I have been a fan of yours for so long, you know, and we’ve seen most of the movies that you have been in. Tell me this: is Terry Bradshaw as dumb as people say?

    Lynn Swann: [ laughs ] Well, I don’t know!

    Fernando: And I don’t mean this is a stoop to get him to say something about Terry! I was shocked when I –

    Lynn Swann: Somebody said he couldn’t spell “cat” if you spotted him the C and the T. Of course, that guy’s not playing football any more!

    Fernando: That’s true! The C and..? [ confused ] Anyway, darling..

    [ dissolve to Fernando standing alone in the hall ]

    Fernando: My friends, this is Fernando saying I’ve had a fantastic at the Night of 100 Stars. If you listen closely.. [ listens ] You hear that? Isaac Stern and Itzhak Perlman are jamming! Fantastic. When these two guys get tohether, all hell breaks loose. And I have met and spoke to some of the stars here, they are marvelous stars. I am so disappointed Hal Linden said no, but what are you going to do? And, uh.. [ looks over and spots Ann-Margaret sitting alone ] Oh, this.. Hello. Ann-Margaret?

    Ann-Margaret: Yes.

    Fernando: Hello, I am Fernando. Could we talk just for a second?

    Ann-Margaret: Yes.

    Fernando: This is, to me, the greatest of all the stars. This is an amazing thing to me. It’s so nice of you to drop by, Ann. You look mahvelous! Absolutely mahvelous! This is like my heart went to Miami to visit my mother!

    [ dissolve ]

    Fernando: Let me ask you this: your best work? “Viva Las Vegas”. Yes or no? What do you think?

    Ann-Margaret: Uh.. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I think the hardest thing I ever did – the roughest – was “Streetcar”.

    Fernando: “Streetcar Named Desire”. You worked with a Mr. Treat Williams.

    Ann-Margaret: Yes. As a matter of fact, he’s over here. [ points off screen ]

    Fernando: Who is over here. [ waves ] Hello, Treat. [ not acknowledged ] No.

    [ dissolve to Ann-Margaret kissing Fernando on the cheek ]

    Fernando V/O: Well, we chatted, and Ann and I both realzied that it was I who indeed looked mahvelous. And she laid one on me, right there.

    [ dissolve to Fernando in Studio 8H ]

    Fernando: And I tell you, my friends, thank God I had my Vasatrasin, I’ll tell you that right now! But, Ann, you’re a mahvelous star. And after seeing all these great stars, including Charles Bronson himself, my friends, who, when I approached him, as I came up to him, he said, “Die, before I kill you!” He’s some joking guy, I’ll tell you that right now, my friends! But after seeing these mahbelous stars, I know once and for all, my friends, that is much better to look good than to feel good. You know who you are!

    SNL Transcripts

    Pamela Sue Martin’s Monologue


    Pamela Sue Martin’s Monologue

    …..Pamela Sue Martin
    Joan Collins…..Jim Belushi


    Pamela Sue Martin: Thank you! It’s great to be here. As you probably know, I left “Dynasty” about a year ago. But people still ask me two questons about the show. First, they want to know: Why did you leave “Dynasty”? The fame, the money, Jeff, the clothes.. Let me try and explain. First, you have to understand – I’m an actress. I needed other creative outlets, other ways to express myself. You see, I could do more than just fill the space between the commercials. I could do the commercials. Kojak is bald and he’s selling Fords. I mean.. “Who loves you, baby?” No one! They love the Carringtons! Right!

    Which brings me to the second question. People always want to know: Is Joan Collins really that beautiful? So.. I brought along a couple of candid snapshots of Joan, I took them of Joan as she was getting into make-up at “Dynasty”. Can a camera get these? [ leafs through the pictures] Um.. oh, boy, this is really candid.. [ looks ] I suppose she’d kill me if I showed that one.. [ continues looking ] Uh.. I just can’t! I mean, this is not fair, I.. Okay, wait a second. I’ll tell you what? Why don’t I just let you see for yourselves how truly beautiful Joan is in person, because she’s here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, my friend and colleague, Joan Collins!

    [ Jim Belushi, dressed as Joan Collins, stands up from the front row of the audience ]

    Pamela Sue Martin: You thought she was taller, right? Be right back!

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Mr. T & Hulk Hogan: 03/30/85


    Air Date:

    Host:



    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    March 30th, 1985

    Mr. T

    Hulk Hogan

    The Commodores

    Steve Landesberg

    Liberace

    Rowdy Roddy Piper

    Mr. Wonderful

  • Prince: “I Am Also The World”

    Prince (Billy Crystal) & bodyguards (Mr. T, Hulk Hogan) missed USA For Africa benefit.

  • Mr. T & Hulk Hogan’s Monologue

  • Fisherman Bob

  • Crystal Lake

  • Ronald Reagan Jeans

    (Repeat) See: 02/09/85.

  • Fernando’s Hideaway

    Recurring Characters: Fernando.

  • Fin-de-Siecle Prison Homosexuality

  • Billy Crystal Comdy Film

  • Ohio S&L Funds

  • Steve Landesberg Stand-Up

  • Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

  • The Joe Franklin Show

    Recurring Characters: Joe Franklin, Irving Cohen.

  • The Commodores perform “Night Shift”

  • Rowdy Roddy Piper & Mr. Wonderful

  • Nathan Thurm Takes A Mistress

    Recurring Characters: Nathan Thurm.

  • The Commodores perform “Animal Instinct”

    SNL Transcripts

  • Prince: “I Am Also The World”

    Prince: “I Am Also The World”

    Mark Goodman…Rich Hall
    Prince…Billy Crystal
    Backup Singer #1…Julia-Louis Dreyfuss
    Backup Singer #2…Mary Gross
    Bodyguard #1…Mr. T
    Bodyguard #2…Hulk Hogan
    Bruce Springsteen…Gary Kroeger
    Paul Simon…Martin Short
    Willie Nelson…Jim Belushi
    Cyndi Lauper…Pamela Stephenson


    (Open on video of people polka dancing)

    Polka for Africa Singers:
    “We will polka for peace,
    we will polka for lunch,
    it’s a worldwide polka brunch!”

    (SUPER: POLKA for AFRICA, Send contributions to: P. O. Box 321, Cicero,Illinois)

    (shows video in MTV studio, with Mark Goodman as VJ)

    Mark Goodman: That’s “Polka For Africa”, and I’m Mark Goodman. Speaking of that, as you know, Prince did not appear in the big “USA For Africa” video because he was busy bailing out his bodyguards after they beat up some of his fans outside of a Hollywood restaurant. But now, the sultan of screen has organized his own video effort for the world hunger, and here it is now in an MTV exclusive.

    (opens on Prince’s video, where he is at a recording session with backup singers and bodyguards)

    Backup Singer #1: “There is a time when he must heed a certain call-“

    Backup Singer #2: “Bodyguards calling to be set free.”

    Backup Singers: “But they went ahead, and held the session anyway-“

    Prince:
    “But those muthas aren’t the world without me!
    I am also the world,
    I am also the children,
    I am the one who had to bail them out,
    Now ain’t that givin’!

    It’s a choice I made!
    The kids will have to wait,
    There’s get to be another way to get on MTV.”

    (Bruce Springsteen comes in, Prince signals to his bodyguards, who beat him up)

    Bruce Springsteen: “We are the world, We are the child-“

    (knocked down by bodyguards and carried off)

    Prince: “I am the one who makes a brighter day, but just don’t push me!”

    (Willie Nelson and Paul Simon enter)

    Paul Simon: “Oh, there’s a choice we’re making,”

    Paul Simon and Willie Nelson: “We’re saving our own lives,It’s true-“

    (Willie Nelson and Paul Simon are carried off by bodyguards asthey scream in pain)

    Prince: “I am also the world!”

    Bruce Springsteen: (rising) “We are also the children!”

    (Bodyguard #1 beats Bruce Springsteen to the ground)

    Bodyguard #1: Shut up fool! (To Prince) Not you, sir!

    Prince: “Start giving!”

    (Cyndi Lauper enters)

    Cyndi Lauper: “Well, well, well, let’s realize that a change can only come-“

    (backup singers punch Cyndi in the stomach and knock her to the ground; bodyguards re-enter, Prince pulls open his shirt)

    Prince:
    “I am the world,
    I am the children,
    I am the one who makes a brighter day,”

    Prince and Bodyguards: You wanna make something of it!

    Prince:
    “So I’ve got to say,
    And I know this may sound trite,
    Live from New York,”

    Prince and Bodyguards: “It’s Saturday Night!”

    Thanks to Tony Dumont for this transcript!

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Kathleen Turner: 01/12/85: Boxing Stories



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 10: Episode 10



    84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

    Boxing Stories

    Boxing Stories

    [Gray-haired Tony Manetti, in a cap, apron, andstriped vendor’s uniform, is discovered alone in aspotlight on a darkened Home Base in front of a blackcurtain. He works the aisle at a boxing arena sellingbags of snacks to the patrons. The camera, playing therole of an old friend, trucks slowly towardhim.]

    Tony Manetti: [gravel-throated New York accent]Peanuts, popcorn, twenty-five cents a bag! Let’s go,hurry up. Hey, how ya doin’? How are ya, huh? Peanuts,popcorn, twenty-five cents a bag! Let’s go, there yago, pal. Let’s go. [catches a tossed coin] Oh! Thankyou, pal. Peanuts, popcorn, twenty-five cents abag!

    [stares into approaching camera, points at it, as ifgreeting an old friend] Heyyyyyy! Hey, how areya? Huh? How are ya? Huh? How are ya?Huh? … Who are you? … [recognizes his oldfriend] Oh, yeah! Hey, yeah! How are ya? Yeah, ya lookgood, ya look good. You do. I – I don’t see so good,all this stuff hangin’ over here. Hey, you look good,you look good, you really look good. You do. You do.You look good. I swear, you look good. You do! Youlook great. I think you do. Ya do. Huh? How areya?! …

    Yeah. Hey, you still fightin’? Oh. How come? Youstarted to bleed at the weigh-ins? Yeah, well, youknow … That happens. That happens. Boxing’s a toughgame. We’re in a tough racket. But I love the sweetscience. I love the game. Yeah, these kids today aregreat. These fighters today are great, they is.They’re great, they are. But, you know, I think it’stough, you know? The black fighters today are thegreatest fighters, I think. You know, you got, like,Tommy Hearns is great. And the Marvelous MarvinHamlisch, he’s great! They’re all great! …

    See? See, but I think we had it tougher when we wasfightin’, right? Because, like, the Jewish fighterswere fightin’ then. And the Jews are tougher to fight,I think, because the Jews are used to fightin’ athome. … You know what I mean? All day long, they’regoin’ “Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!” “Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!””Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!” “What did I do?” “You left thatmuch soda in the bottle, ya put it back in therefrigerator! Drive me nuts!” “Oh, yeah? Who the hellleaves an egg in a cup stinkin’ up the place? Youknow? You makin’ me crazy! It’s disgusting!” “Oh,yeah? You bought retail!” “I did not!” “Yadid!” “Ya didn’t!” “Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!” “And youain’t so kosher! When you eat out, I seen you eatshellfish!” “I did not!” “Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!”So by the time they get in the ring, they’re nuts,right? … I get in the ring, they look at me and go,”You did!” I go, “I didn’t!” AND THEY BEAT THE HELLOUT O’ ME! …

    [calms down, grins, gently] But I look better now,don’t I? Yeah, I – I got this fixed. [points to hisnose] Yeah, yeah, I had it put in the middle. Butthat’s it. … That’s all. See? See? See? See? Andnow, now there’s this whole movement, you know, youknow, to stop boxin’! They wanna stop boxin’! They do.You know, that group, what do you call that, eh –?Right! The, uh, the AMA! They wanna ban boxin’. Theythink that guys – They think that guys – They thinkthat guys get hurt! Listen. I had over a hundredfights. And I NEVER was REALLY hurt. You know? I evenfought nine fights in one night. Nine. Because none ofthe other fighters showed up. … I fought nine fightsin one night because I loved it! And this group –this, uh, A.F.L. — thinks they know – they know whatgettin’ hurt is. All right. I’ll tell ya about that.Sunnyside Gardens in Queens. I’m fightin’, uh, Ernesto”the Gardener” Torres, right? Now, Ernesto breaks mynose, he does, in the first round. Clean. Pow! Rightthere. My eyes are shut and, finally, after a littlebit, I visit the – the canvas, you know? I go down, Igo down, I do. The referee comes over and he says,”Tony! How many fingers am I holdin’ up?!” I looked athim and I said, “I think I’ll order the lamb chops,please.” Now …

    This, ah, NBA group thinks that that is hurt. Iwas STUNNED! That’s all! I was NOT hurt! … [pause]What? I’m sorry. I – I went to Coney Island for asecond. Now … See – see, this now – It makes memad, you know. If – if – if they wanna stop theviolence in boxin’, don’t let nobody ride the subwayto the arena, that’s all. But let me tell ya this.They can’t stop the boxing. They can’t – Theycan’t take these kids’ futures away from them, youknow what I’m sayin’? The thing about it– See, thefighters could help themselves. They could.They could help themselves. You just gotta know whenit’s time to QUIT! You know when it was time for me toquit? The eighth fight o’ that night. You know? … Ihit the canvas for the thirteenth time, see, see, see?And I looked out over the crowd – and I seen afamiliar face in the third row goin’ [whispers] “Staydown, Tony. Stay down.” [beat] It was ME! … That’swhen it’s time to get out. You know? So, you tell thisgroup, y’see? See, even that night, I wasn’t hurtthen. I was just DAZED! That’s it. So this group,this, uh, this CIA group, they don’t– I hope this,uh, MBL don’t ever stop the sweet science. Don’t stopthe sweet science. You know? If they stopped it, wewouldn’t’a’ had the Joe Louis, we wouldn’t’a’ had theAlis, we wouldn’t’a’ had these people if they hadstopped it. See, this group, they DON’T KNOW NOTHIN’!

    Now, lemme tell ya somethin’, pal. You know, I had alot o’ fights. An’ I took a lot o’ punches. An’, tokeep my health, I took a brain scan. And you knowsomethin’? They didn’t find nothin’. … So,tell that to that group, I’ll tell ya that right now.Hey, did you hear the bell for the fights? Ya did?Whew! Good. All right. Now, listen. I’ll, uh, I’ll,uh, wait for ya, if you – you wanna get togetherafterwards, after the fights, if you wanna see me,after, we– Yeah. Yeah, I would love to have abeer with you. We’d be breakin’ training, though.Yeah, okay, come on! Yeah, I’ll be right there! Wherethe hell else am I goin’? All right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.Okay, see ya. [the camera tracks back and away fromTony as he goes back to work] Peanuts, popcorn,twenty-five cents a bag! Hey, how are ya?!

    [Cheers. Applause. Tony shadowboxes. Dissolve to awider view of the Studio 8H audience.Fade.]

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts