SNL Transcripts: Alex Karras: 02/02/85


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

February 2nd, 1985

Alex Karras

Tina Turner

None

Tina Turner, “What’s Love Got To Do With It”

  • Prince & Hulk Hogan

  • Alex Karras’s Monologue

  • Ed Grimley

    Recurring Characters: Ed Grimley.

  • Time Magazine

    (Repeat) See: 02/26/84

  • A Couple Of White Guys Rap

  • Kelly Cola

  • Tina Turner performs “What’s Love Got To Do With It”

  • Power From Giving

  • New York On Five Dollars A Day

    Recurring Characters: Bernard Goetz.

  • Walter Mondale in Minnesota

    Recurring Characters: Walter Mondale.

  • Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    Recurring Characters: Robert Latta, Nathan Thurm.

  • Tina Turner performs “Better Be Good To Me”

  • The Auctioneer

  • Tina Turner performs “Private Dancer”

    SNL Transcripts

  • Steven Wright Stand-Up

    Steven Wright Stand-Up

    … Christopher Reeve
    … Steven Wright


    Christopher Reeve: And now, an old friend ofSaturday Night Live, Steven Wright!

    [Cheers and applause for the casually-dressed, nearlycatatonic stand-up comic with the frizzyhair.]

    Steven Wright: [emotionless] Thanks….

    I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards…. I got a full house and four people died….

    I finally went to the eye doctor, I got contacts, butI only need them when I read so I got flip-ups….

    I have a map of the United States, it’s actual size…. It says, “One mile equals one mile.” …

    I spent the day watching live animation. … Later, Iwas arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli….

    I was once walking through the forest alone and a treefell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear it….

    I’m planning a trip to Spain so I bought an album thatteaches you the language — you put the album on, youput headphones on, you learn the language while you’resleeping. During the night, the record skipped. … Igot up the next day, I could only stutter in Spanish…. When I go, I’m flying. I’m flying Air Bizarre.It’s a good airline, you buy a combination one-wayround-trip ticket. … You leave any Monday and theybring you back the previous Friday. … That way, youstill have the weekend. …

    Sometimes, you can’t hear what I’m sayin’, it’s ’causesometimes I’m in parentheses. …

    Every once in a while I like to stick my head out mywindow, look up at the sky, and smile for a satellitepicture. …

    I went to the hardware store and bought some usedpaint. … It was in the shape of a house. … I alsobought some batteries, but they weren’t included. …So I had to buy ’em again. …

    It was my birthday recently. For my birthday, I got ahumidifier and a dehumidifier. … I put ’em in thesame room and let ’em fight it out. … [cheers andapplause — after a slight pause, Wright says, witheven less enthusiasm than before:] Thanks. …

    There’s a pizza place near where I live that onlysells slices. You go there and see the guy throwin’ upa triangle. [mimes tossing triangular dough]…

    I went to a museum where they had all the heads andarms from the statues that are in all the othermuseums. … I had trouble goin’ home from there’cause I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I cameback, the entire area was gone. … For a while, Ididn’t have a car, I had a helicopter. But I hadnowhere to park it so I used to just tie a rope to itand leave it runnin’. …

    When I was baby, I kept a diary. … Recently, I wasrereading it. It said, “Day One: Still tired from themove.” … “Day Two: Everybody talks to me like I’m anidiot.” …

    I had the photograph on my license taken out-of-focuson purpose. … So, when the police stop me, they go–[mimes a policeman squinting uncertainly at thelicense, then handing it back to the driver] Here, youcan go. … One time, they stopped me for speeding andthey said, “Don’t you know the speed limit isfifty-five miles an hour?” I said, “Yeah, I know. ButI wasn’t gonna be out that long.” …

    [Applause]

    Thank you.

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Harry Anderson: 02/09/85


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    February 9th, 1985

    Harry Anderson

    Bryan Adams

    Bud Harrelson

    Waylon Jennings

    Johnny Cash

    Christopher Reeve

    Carol Burnett

    Bryan Adams, “Run to You”

  • Congressional Address

    Recurring Characters: Robert Latta.

  • Harry Anderson’s Monologue

  • Kate & Ali

    Recurring Characters: Katherine Hepburn, Mohammed Ali.

  • Mets Fantasy Camp

    Recurring Characters: Al Minkman, Lou Minkman.

  • Dueling Magi

    Recurring Characters: Doug Henning.

  • 20 Minutes Late

  • Ronald Reagan Jeans

  • Ricky & Phil

    Recurring Characters: Ricky, Phil.

  • Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    Recurring Characters: Buddy Young, Jr.

  • Bryan Adams performs “Somebody”

  • Salem Court

  • Harry Anderson Magic

  • Aunt Helen Ruins Solo

  • Bryan Adams performs “Run to You”

    SNL Transcripts

  • Salem Court


    Salem Court

    Bailiff…..Rich Hall
    Judge…..Harry Anderson
    Larry Grodner…..Martin Short
    Edward Abbey Manning…..Gary Kroeger
    Counsel…..Jim Belushi
    Mistress Cartwright…..Pamela Stephenson


    Bailiff: Here ye, here ye! The court of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, village of Salem is now in session. By the grace of God and our Lord, William III, all rise.

    [ Judge enters and takes his seat at his bench ]

    Judge: Be seated! [ slams gavel ] Edward Abbey Manning, you stand accused before the eyes of the Almighty. Who speaks for thee?

    Larry Grodner: [ runs in late ] Uh, I do, your Honor! Uh.. Larry Grodner, 7th Hall Defender’s Office. Your Honor, can I have five minutes with my client?

    Judge: So shall it be!

    Larry Grodner: Thank you! Sorry I’m late. [ sits next to Edward ] Okay, what have we got here? Okay.. speeding in the ox cart? No. Pouching deer? I could get you off with a warning. Ah! Consorting with the Devil, copulating with demons, and using the blood of Christian children in a pagan ritual. See that.. that.. that’s gonna be a problem.. Let me level with you.. Ed? It’s Ed? This court is very tough on witches.

    Edward Abbey Manning: But I be no witch. I am but a simple cobbler, enstranged to these parts.

    Larry Grodner: Just do what I say, alright? I think I can get them to knock down the charge to simple possession. Okay? You’ll just get maybe a lecture and a stoning – that’s it!

    Edward Abbey Manning: Stoning? But I’ll be just as dead!

    Larry Grodner: [ laughing ] Hey, I’m not the one who copulated with the Devil, am I?

    Edward Abbey Manning: But I implore you to believe me. I am not a witch.

    Larry Grodner: Right, right.. you’re not a witch. No one’s ever a witch. I mean, according to my clients, there have never been any witches. Crops just die all by themselves! The moon just decides to pass in front of the sun, you know, every once in a while! Look, Ed, I’m gonna try like hell to get you off. But don’t you ever lie to me! Okay? Your Honor, we’re ready to proceed.

    Judge: Counsel, would you present the evidence, arguments and proof of the case for the Commonwealth?

    Counsel: [ stands as a dramatic pause, then points angrily at Edward Abbey Manning ] WIIIIIITCH!!! [ takes his seat ]

    Judge: Very well. Edward Abbey Manning, I find you are –

    Larry Grodner: Objection, your Honor! Isn’t Counsel going to produce at least some evidence?!

    Judge: Brother Grodner, must I admonish you once again about needlessly prolonging these trials? But very well, Brother. Let the Commonwealth produce a witness.

    Counsel: So be it. I call before the eyes of God! Mistress Cartwright!

    [ pregnant Mistress Cartwright, with Scarlet Letter “A” on chest, enters the court ]

    Mistress Cartwright: [ points at Edward ] He’s the one! He beguiled me with evil charms, and led me to boil sins of the flesh! He pumped me with the evil seed that made me great with Satan’s child!

    Counsel: Your witness?

    [ Mistress Cartwright takes a seat at the stand ]

    Larry Grodner: Mistress Cartwright, how exactly did thou meet my client?

    Mistress Cartwright: He came to me in the form of a goat.

    Larry Grodner: Ah. [ walks over to Edward ] Has thou ever taken the form of a goat?

    Edward Abbey Manning: No!

    Larry Grodner: I think I’ve got it. [ returns to the stand ] Mistress Cartwright, let me ask you something: Can we just assume that you simply allowed this goat to impregnate you?

    Mistress Cartwright: No, he beguiled me! [ backtracking ] Well, he.. he.. he took me to a restaurant first.

    Larry Grodner: But if he took you to the restaurant as a goat, how do you know it was my client?

    Mistress Cartwright: The reservations were in his name!

    Larry Grodner: Inadmissable, your Honor! That’s heresay!

    Judge: There will be no pig latin in this court!

    Mistress Cartwright: [ stands, angry ] If this witch did not get me with child, then.. then, who did!!

    [ everyone in the courtroom coughs and points to Edward ]

    Crowd: Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

    Larry Grodner: Your Honor, if I could just be Devil’s Advocate for one second.. [ everyone groans ] Let me just rephrase that for one moment..

    Edward Abbey Manning: Though sealeth my doom! Is there no test by which you could prove that I speak the truth?

    Larry Grodner: [ thinking ] Ah, well, let me just throw ths question out to you: How long do you think you can hold your breath under water, with, like, very heavy stones on your chest?

    Edward Abbey Manning: Two, perhaps, three minutes.

    Larry Grodner: No, anything less than a week, and they’ll just laugh us out of court! There’s got to be.. ah, yes! Yes! We’ve got one other last straw, we’re gonna use it! Calm down. Your Honor, I would like to call to the stand.. Edward Manning!

    [ Edward takes the stand ]

    Bailiff: Place your hand on the Holy Scripture and prepare to recite the oath, please.

    [ Edward places his hand on the Bible, which causes it to begin dispensing smoke, as Edward rattles off in demonic verse ]

    Larry Grodner: [ stuck ] Your Honor, we.. we.. we’d like to change our plea!

    [ Edward extends his hand, firing lightning upon Grodner’s papers ]

    Larry Grodner: Unless you have a problem with that! THen we could certainly move for dismissal!

    Judge: Granted on all counts! Case forgotten! [ bangs gavel and flees from courtroom ]

    Larry Grodner: Yes!

    [ close ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Kate & Ali


    Kate & Ali

    Kate…..Martin Short
    Ali…..Billy Crystal


    Announcer: Monday at 9, watch America’s favorite roommates celebrate Valentine’s Day in a special 3-hour presentation of “Kate & Ali”.

    [ dissolve to Katherine Hepburn helping Muhammed Ali with his tie ]

    Kate: Oh, Ali, you hold still, or I’ll never get the knot in this tie the way you claim you want it!

    Ali: Don’t tell me what to do, Kate. I am still the greatest of all time! I’m just a little nervous, this is my first date since my divorce come through, and it scares me more than Joe Frazier!

    Kate: Oh, listen to me, Mr.! You’ve got to stand tall in that saddle and look fear in the eye, and say, “To hell with you!” My father always taught me..

    Ali: I don’t want to hear about your father no more, Kate! I’m sick of hearing about your father. Oh, my father loved birds, my father had a zest for living, my father

    Kate: Oh, and what about you?! Oh, Sonny Lester was a big ugly bear, Floyd Harris was a rabbit, and, oh, I’m so pretty, as if anyone the hell cares about that!

    Ali: Kate, you are driving me.. crazy!

    Kate: Oh, you-ou-ou…

    [ they shake their fists at one another ]

    Announcer: Yes, it’s the “Kate & Ali” Valentine’s Day special. But watch what happens when a three-time heavyweight champion is stung by Cupid’s arrow, leaving a four-time Oscar winner out in the cold.

    Kate: [ playing “Jane B.” ] ..How sad I am.. to find myself all alone on Valentine’s Day.. with no beau to call my own.. oh, despair is my companion.. why should I not weep..?

    Ali: [ re-enters room, surprising Kate ] You sure do play nice, Kate.

    Kate: Oh, Ali, why are you home so early?!

    Ali: Oh, Kate, I had a terrible time. The party was boring, people talk about stupid stuff.. I miss you, Kate, you’re my best friend.. here, I brought you some roses. [ hands her the roses ]

    Kate: [ sneezes, blowing the roses across the room ] Ali! Roses! You know I’m allergic to roses, as was my father.. and his father before..!

    Ali: I don’t want to hear about your father on more, Kate!

    Kate: Oh, you-ou-ou…

    Announcer: Yes, it’s three full hours of Kate & Ali’s Valentine’s Day special. Filling up yourt hearts with love and laughter, but you’d better leave room for a few surprises.

    [ dissolve to Kate and Ali sitting up in bed together ]

    Kate: Ali.. now that you and I have both experienced each other’s mutual joy, and the very essence of our being, can we still continue our friendship as if nothing has happened at all?

    Ali: Kate.. I loves your hair and I like your smile, but you an ugly old white woman, so I won’t be back for a while!

    Announcer: “Kate & Ali”‘s three-hour Valentine’s special. Monday at 9, 8 Central.

    Kate: Be there!

    Ali: Let’s all be there! [ sneers ]

    Kate: Oh-h-h-h-h!!

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Harry Anderson’s Monologue


    Harry Anderson’s Monologue

    …..Harry Anderson


    Harry Anderson: I can’t believe this! This is my eighth appearance on “Saturday Night Live”. In fact, I really got my start on this show, and, tonight, here right on old “SNL”, I’m gonna make my new start. This is too much.

    I’ll explain. You all remember the old Harry Andersom. He’s the guy that used to come on this show and he’d run a needle through his arm, or he’d beat on his wife, or he’d drop his pants to show his comedy underwear. Well, I’m here tonight to tell you that Harry Anderson doesn’t do that stuff any more. Nope. That was Harry the Hat, Harry the Con, Harry the Geek.

    Now.. I’m Harry the Judge. And life is different on Thursdays at 9:30, 8:30 Central. It’s all different for me now. I got my house in Beverly Hills, I got my condo in Palm Springs, I got my sleek exotic cars, the lawyers who tried to lock me up I got ’em on retainer now, I even got my face on the covers of national magazines. It’s all different. It’s not like the old days. The old Harry, he’d see someone like.. like you! And he’d say something like, “Hey, nice outfit – what, they had a one-cent sale at the mortuary?” But I don’t do that any more. No more: “Who picked the tie – Ray Charles?” That was the old Harry.. but he’s gone.

    Tonight, I want to introduce you to the new me. No more scams, no more angles, just good, clean fun. Harry Anderson, family entertainer.. [ pulls out a guinea pig in a cage ] ..and his pal, Skippy. This is Skippy, he’s a guinea pig, he’s my best friend. What’s that, Skippy? [ puts his ear to the cage ] He’s says hi, everybody, isn’t he cute! And wait ’til you see what he does, guys! Come on out, Skip, come on out, they’re waiting for you!

    [ dumps Skippy out of the cage ]

    He loves it when I do that, he’s such a good sport! And he does impressions, look at this – James Cagney: [ squeezes Skippy ] “You dirty rat! You ate my brother’s cheese!” I was just kidding, that was really me! He doesn’t do impressions, Skippy does acrobatic tricks, right, Skip? [ props Skippy on the stool and demonstrates ] Sit! [ Skippy doesn’t move ] Good boy! Good boy! He’s a little nervous, we gotta start him with something simple. Roll over, Skip. Roll over. Come on, boy, how about a backflip. Oh, well, maybe live TV is a little more pressure than I thought on the poor guy.. uh, we’ll start off with something he could do with his little pink eyes shut. This is his favorite. [ holds up tiny hoop ] Skip, the jump through the hoop. Come on, this is live! Okay, jump through the hoop! Can I have a drumroll, please? Come on, boy, like you did at rehearsal, come on! One big jump, Skippy! [ stops ] Ah, forget it! Skip? Skip, I don’t understand, what’s the problem? Oh. He says he can’t work with a Caucasian drummer. Well, Skip, I’m sorry, that’s no excuse boy. You know the rules. New Harry or no, you know the rules – you don’t work, you don’t live.

    [ Harry stuffs Skippy into his mouth ] [ mumbling ] We’ll be right back..

    SNL Transcripts

    Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    … Christopher Guest
    Caspar Weinberger … Rich Hall
    Buddy Young, Jr. … Billy Crystal
    … Waylon Jennings
    … Johnny Cash
    … Christopher Reeve


    [Music. SUPER: SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS against a nocturnalNew York City skyline.]

    Don Pardo V/O: And now Saturday Night News withanchorperson Christopher Guest.

    [Cheers and applause as the SUPER disappears and wepan over to a squinting Chris Guest, in suit and tieand seated at the news desk — his hair a wet,disheveled mess because it had to be washed after heplayed the oily-haired Phil in the previoussketch.]

    Christopher Guest: Thank you. Thank you, DonPardo. Our top story tonight:

    An SNL News weather advisory. The temperature here inNew York is a warm eighty-two degrees with thehumidity a comfortable fifty-four. However, the windis from the north at two hundred and sixty-five milesan hour … which, of course, is creating a wind chillfactor of ninety-one degrees below zero. … So bundleup — but take your sunglasses. …

    Even though it has undergone extensive criticism forwaste, fraud and cost overruns, the Defense Departmentis asking for a record 285 billion dollars for 1986.With a response to this criticism, we have DefenseSecretary Caspar Weinberger standing by at thePentagon. [Chris turns to Weinberger who appears onthe screen behind him] Mr. Weinberger, what do youhave to say to the nation’s rising tide of resentmentagainst military spending?

    Caspar Weinberger: [shakes his head sadly]Bounces right off of me, Chris. I’m not gonna backdown. I want 285 billion dollars. I am intractable onthat. I’ve said over and over and over, there’snothing more important than the defense of this nationand yet every year I have to go in front of Congress,I have to fight tooth and nail to get every penny todefend this country and I’m just not gonna do it anymore. I have my dignity. I’m not gonna plead any more.I’m not gonna wheedle. I’m simply – gonna hold mybreath till I get 285 billion dollars. …

    Christopher Guest: Mr. Weinberger, perhaps youcould– [Weinberger puffs out his cheeks and holds hisbreath] … scuttle the MX program? [Weinberger shakeshis head “no”] … Maybe overhaul the bloated militarypension. [Weinberger checks his wristwatch, shakes hishead, waves dismissively at Chris’ suggestion] …What about – what about those eight hundredseventy-nine dollar claw hammers? Fine. Then just keepholding your breath, Mr. Weinberger, and we’ll checkback with you later. [Weinberger nods, Chris addressesthe camera] Secretary of Defense CasparWeinberger.

    The Bernhard Goetz saga continues to unfold with asecond victim now suing the subway sheriff forviolating his civil rights. First, the family of ahospitalized victim filed a federal court suitdemanding fifty million dollars in damages. This week,another victim was in court asking for five milliondollars – to which Goetz reportedly replied, “Sure.I’ve got five million – for each of you.” …

    [Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagan kissing] Only fourmore days till Valentine’s Day so we’d like to do ourannual tribute to romance. What better place to startthan the Reagan White House. [gentle romantic musiccreeps in under the following] The Reagans areprobably the most affectionate presidential couplesince Ulysses S. Grant and his lovely wife Darlene …who reportedly recreated the burning of Atlanta in theLincoln bedroom. … [Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagancuddling indoors] Ron and Nancy love to kiss inprivate. [Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagan kissing asmilitary men look on] And in public. They have noshame. [Photo of Nancy Reagan kissing Frank Sinatra]At least, Nancy doesn’t. … They just go on -[another photo of Ron and Nancy kissing] and on -[another photo] and on – and on. [Photo of RonaldReagan hugging former Secretary of State HenryKissinger] Even Ron needs a break now and then. …That’s his old pal Henry Kissinger. [Photo of RonaldReagan hugging someone in a giant bear costume] Andhis daughter Maureen. … [Photo of Ronald Reaganhugging someone in a giant dog costume] And his newdog Lucky. …

    Of course, affection in high places isn’t restrictedto this administration. [Photo of Jimmy Carter kissingJacqueline Kennedy] Jimmy Carter and JacquelineKennedy, the original odd couple. … [Photo ofbare-chested Prince Charles and unidentified woman]That’s Britain’s Prince Charles and — anybody. …[Photo of Cuban leader Fidel Castro embracing DanielOrtega] Fidel Castro and Nicaraguan president Ortegaat a romantic Club Med in the Caribbean. … [Photo ofthe Rev. Jesse Jackson and a smiling Palestinianleader Yasser Arafat embracing] Here’s an affectionatepair. … Eh? Actually, Reverend Jackson is a mostaffectionate person. He loves to hug. [Photo ofJackson hugging a man] And embrace. [Photo of Jacksonembracing someone] And kiss. [Photo of Jackson kissingan elderly white woman] And hug some more. [Photo ofJackson hugging an elderly black woman] And hisaffection has no religious boundaries. [Photo ofJackson with his arm around Jewish entertainer SammyDavis, Jr.] … Of course, Pope John Paul II is anaffectionate man. [A series of photos of the Popekissing various airport runways] … He loves to kissairports … no matter where he lands. … It’srumored that he’s spread mononucleosis all over theworld. … And here he is at Orly Airport in Pariswhere the question arose: did he French kiss thetarmac? … We’ll never know. Happy Valentine’s Day.[applause]

    Returning home after two years of exile in America,South Korean opposition leader Kim Dae-Jung and hisentourage were beaten, kicked, punched and shoved uponlanding at Seoul’s Kimpo International Airport. TheSouth Korean government, however, denied anywrongdoing, claiming that Kim and his group hadignored repeated orders to, quote, “Wait until theaircraft comes to a complete stop before moving itemsfrom the overhead racks.” …

    Let’s check back now with Mr. Weinberger and see ifthere are any further developments. [Weinberger,cheeks still puffed out, looks at his wristwatch withmassively bulging eyeballs that nearly pop out oftheir sockets] … Caspar? [Weinberger shakes his headand waves dismissively at Chris] Caspar, you haven’tbacked down yet I see. Fine.

    After being out of sight for several weeks, Sovietpremier Konstantin [mangles the pronunciation andkeeps trying till he gets it right] Chernenko – orKonstantin Chernenko – Chernenko – Chernenko hasfinally turned up at the Betty Ford RehabilitationCenter in Palm Springs. …

    This week, a Senate subcommittee heard arguments forand against the banning of beer ads from TV. Opponentsof the commercials say that beer ads glamorize alcoholand contribute to its abuse. [belches] … ‘Scuse me…. Personally, I disagree but we’ll have more on thatstory as details come up.

    Once again, from the Pentagon, holding his breathuntil he gets 285 billion dollars, here is CasparWeinberger. [Weinberger’s head, now an inflatedballoon with a face painted on it, abruptly collapseswith a squishy popping noise] … Well, there you haveit. Caspar Weinberger.

    Christopher Guest: Now, with a restaurantreview, our special reporter, a legend in comedy, Mr.Buddy Young, Jr.

    [Applause for Buddy, a cigar-chomping, middle-agedinsult comedian who wears an ugly maroon tuxedo. Heencourages the applause as his cheesy nightclub thememusic plays. Chris, meanwhile, is drying his hair witha towel.]

    Buddy Young, Jr.: Thank you very much, Chris.By the way, I spoke to your doctor — you diedThursday. [rolls his eyes] … Anyway, Valentine’s Dayis coming. What a stupid holiday — give candy tosomebody you love to give pimples to, you don’t wannasee ’em no more! [mild reaction from crowd, Buddyrepeats vehemently:] See ’em no more! … [mildreaction from crowd]

    Anyway, what’s more romantic than Hawaiian food?Plaster of Paris! I’ll tell ya that. At least, it’sFrench. Anyway– [zero reaction from crowd, Buddylooks annoyed] This is a rough room. … I go to the,uh– [to Chris] I spoke to the mortician — he said,”Just drop by!” [makes a face] …

    So I go to this Hawaiian joint, “Don Ho’s Blue Flame.”I walk in there — I never seen so many bad shirts inone room in my life! … The shirts are louder thanthe music. Which is okay. Have you heard Hawaiianmusic? It’s not music — sounds like a cat in heat,this stuff, I’ll tell ya that right now. [Buddybriefly mimics Hawaiian music, another weak reaction]Get out of here. [to the cue card guy] Skip the card!Then … The Hawaiian language is nuts. It’s not alanguage. What are they belching? Wukka-wukka-mukka-lukka-wukka! Mukka-lukka-wukka![more weak response from crowd, to the cue card guy] Itold you, skip the card! Then …

    This waiter, big sweaty guy, brings over the firstthing. It’s called poi! Could you eat somethingcalled poi? He comes over, he says, “Youhaven’t touched your poi.” I said, “Flush it down thepoilet!” I’ll tell ya that right now. …[crowd finally gets into it, rim shot, Buddy says todrummer:] Thank you! Where the hell–? What’d you do,come by bus? … [applause]

    You know, I’m like Woody Herman: I fly, they go bybus. Anyway– [crowd doesn’t get it] Then he brings mean appetizer. [off the obscure reference to jazzmusician Woody Herman] That’s one for the band.[continues his review] They bring an appetizer. It’scalled a puu-puu platter! … What’s appetizing aboutpuu-puu? I’ll tell ya that. I’m a grown man, I havetrouble going across a table saying, “Excuse me, can Ihave some more puu-puu?” … And the guy goes, “I’msorry, I’m still working on my poi!” … Then,they bring the main thing. Two fat kids with a flamingthing on parallel bars. I say, “What the hell is that– Mary Lou Retton?” … It’s disgusting! It’s a pig,they tell me. … They tell me it’s a pig! Folks[raises a hand to the crowd, slight pause] — I’m aJew. … The only thing I could eat was theapple. I’ll tell ya that. … And they HEATTHAT! Who the hell heats fruit?! … You knowwhat I’m talkin’ about? [points to his mouth] I got athing hangin’ here from a – from a pineapple thatburned me. It was disgusting. … I’ll tell ya, it’snuts. [to Chris who is cracking up] Try to cheer down,Chris — you got the job. …

    But let me tell ya this, folks. You like Italian food,huh? Huh? Then don’t go to this Hawaiian place! [zeroreaction, Buddy peers up at the silent balcony] What’dyou do, come from New Jersey? … What exit, babe,huh? … [rises from desk, grabs a hand mike and headsdown to the audience] I tell ya, folks, it’s wild,it’s nuts, this Hawaiian thing. It’s taken thecountry– [to a bearded man with a black cowboy hatsitting in the front row] Hello, how ya doin’? Hey, Iknow you. Jesse James, am I right? … What’s yourname, sir?

    Waylon Jennings: Waylon Jennings.

    Buddy Young, Jr.: Yeah, right. [cheers andapplause for the popular country singer who, with hishat and long hair, resembles a Hasidic Jew] So, uh,let me ask you this, Waylon — when did ya go Hasid onus here with the hat and the thing? … I tell ya,it’s too wacky. [to another man in the front row] Andyou must be, er–?

    Johnny Cash: Johnny Cash. [cheers and applausefor the legendary singer who sits next to his wifeJune Carter Cash]

    Buddy Young, Jr.: Who cares? … You know whatI’m sayin’? [fingers Johnny’s multi-coloredneckerchief] Good to see you workin’ with new colorsthese days, Johnny. … Do you believe he’s got thePortuguese flag around his throat? … Johnny, fromthe bottom of my heart — it’s over. You knowwhat I’m sayin’? … [to the crowd] No, seriously. Ikid Johnny — he’s a big star. [to Johnny] Does JackLord know you have his hair? … [Johnny really cracksup at this, the crowd cheers and applauds, Buddy putsa friendly hand on Johnny’s shoulder] How ya doin’?It’s a pleasure. I’m wild about this guy. Wild abouthim. What a night! [shakes hands with a big-haired manin the second row who appears to be country singerMarty Stuart] How ya doin’? What’d you do, sit onsomething electric when you came in? … [shakes handswith a handsome man wearing a pullover sweater in thesecond row] I know you, big guy, huh? What’s yourname?

    Christopher Reeve: Christopher Reeve.

    Buddy Young, Jr.: Chris, right. [cheers andapplause for the actor best remembered as Superman]Yes. And I’m Sabu. … Right, Christopher Reeve.That’s really wild. [to a woman sitting next to Reeveand wearing big earrings] Look, what d’you got,kryptonite in your earrings there? … See? I’mtopical! Berle said I’m not topical! You know, thisHawaiian thing is gettin’ me nuts. [to Chris at thenews desk] You know what it is, though, Chris? What weneed is love today! We don’t– [points to the balcony]You got love up there?! [crowd responds positively]Hey, how ya doin’? We don’t have love! We need lovetoday! [Buddy, returning to his seat, nearly hits hisgroin against the news desk] Oh! Excuse me! Ho! I wasalmost Jewish again! …

    [Buddy sits] I tell ya, it’s wild. [to the front rowcelebrities] You guys are good sports. [to the crowd]But, bottom line, folks, I’ll tell ya this– Bott–Who–? [Buddy’s microphone cord has gotten caught onthe desk, he tries to pull it loose] What’d I do,catch a halibut? … I tell ya, it’s too wacky. …[glares at a gum-chewing Christopher Guest who istrying to keep a straight face] Who does your hair,Chris — a tornado? I’ll tell ya that right now, it’swild. [to the crowd] Bottom line, folks, “Don Ho’sBlue Flame” stinks! [drops the mike on the deskwith disgust] Back to you, Chris. Get out ofhere.

    [Buddy’s theme music begins. Cheers and applause asChris salutes the crowd.]

    Christopher Guest: Good night!

    [Buddy and Chris rise, stand behind the desk andconverse as we fade out.]

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts

    Ricky & Phil Play Trivial Pursuit

    84m: Harry Anderson / Bryan Adams

    Ricky & Phil Play Trivial Pursuit

    Ricky … Billy Crystal
    Phil … Christopher Guest


    [Greasy-haired Ricky, in his red, white and bluebowling shirt, approaches the window of his Brooklynapartment and peers out at the falling snow.]

    Ricky: Ooh, wow. Look at the snow. It’s really,really unbelievable! I can’t believe it! Mustbe two feet down there. Hate to be a midget on a daylike this! [laughs his dorky laugh] It is really,really so amazing, it’s unbelievable! [turns from thewindow to the closed bathroom door] Hey! Hey, Phil!What are you doin’ in there? You all right?

    [Ricky rolls his eyes as he hears the toilet flush.His roommate Phil, with slicked-back hair and a loudbrown shirt, emerges a moment later.]

    Ricky: Hey, what took you so long? I was gonnasend out a search party.

    Phil: I was readin’!

    Ricky: Oh, good. Can I go in my own bathroomnow?

    Phil: I’d let it simmer down if I wasyou.

    Ricky: Great. Why don’t you eat, like,more Mexican food, all right?

    Phil: Why don’t you shave your back, allright?

    Ricky: I will. I will. Eh, why don’t you get,like, older underwear, okay? With, like,more holes in it? Matter of fact, why don’t youjust wear a waistband and forget the whole thing,okay?

    Phil: You’re a douchebag.

    Ricky: Hey!

    Phil: Hey, you! Hey!

    Ricky: Hey, hey-ey-ey-ey, all right. [Ricky andPhil walk to the kitchen table] What were you readin’in there that took so long?

    Phil: This survival magazine. [shows Ricky anad in the magazine] This thing here. Look at this.Look at this. Look at this. Tattooing equipment,here.

    Ricky: Uh huh?

    Phil: You got your own machinery —

    Ricky: Mm hm?

    Phil: –designs. Enough to start your ownbusiness. No experience necessary.

    Ricky: That’s us! We got noexperience! In every field! [laughs dorkily]Okay. [Ricky and Phil sit at the cluttered kitchentable where a game of Trivial Pursuit is in progress]All right, whose move?

    Phil: It’s, uh, your move here.

    Ricky: [picks up the die] I’ll go, I’ll go,I’ll go. [blows on die for luck, rolls it] Ooh. Three.[moves game piece] Oh, no! History. [turns away, putshand to face and rolls his eyes as Phil carefullypulls a card from the box]

    Phil: [reads from card] “What famous presidentis on the five dollar bill?” [Phil stares at Rickywhose eyes are shut — after a pause, he starts again]”What famous pr–?”

    Ricky: I heard you the first time! Give meanother one. [annoyed, Phil sighs] Come on.

    Phil: [reads from card] “What animal does woolcome from?”

    Ricky: Ooh, I know this. [eyes closed, shakingwith effort, gives up] Uhhh, gimme anotherone.

    Phil: [reads from card] “What classic–? Whodirected — who directed what classic GermanExpressionistic film called, Cabinet of Dr.Caligari?”

    Ricky: [immediately and rapidly] The picturewas made in 1919, directed by Robert Weine, with ascreenplay by Carl Mayer and Hans Janowitz,cinematography by Willy Hameister.

    Phil: You’re right.

    Ricky: This game is so easy! It’sunbelievable! [laughs] I tell you this, Phil,when I know all that stuff about cinema and stuff, itconvinces me that what I was born to do is to direct amajor motion picture.

    Phil: Why don’t you direct your face to a bigbottle of mouthwash in the bathroom, all right? Thisis crazy here.

    Ricky: Okay, I would like to go into thebathroom but it smells like a possum exploded inthere!

    Phil: Hey, Doody-head, you do me a favor,right?

    Ricky: Right.

    Phil: You know so much about the movies,right?

    Ricky: Right.

    Phil: You answer me a question here. [picks upa newspaper] These Academy Award nominations,here?

    Ricky: Right, right.

    Phil: You explain this to me. For “BestPicture,” right?

    Ricky: Okay.

    Phil: [reads from newspaper] “Passage toIndia”?

    Ricky: Right.

    Phil: Right? [reads from newspaper] “Soldier’sStory”?

    Ricky: Good.

    Phil: [reads from newspaper] “Amadeus”?[mispronounced “uh-MADE-EE-us”]

    Ricky: Right.

    Phil: I mean, what is this here? What happenedto these good pictures like “Avenging Angel,” youknow?

    Ricky: Mm hm.

    Phil: And, like, “The Terminator”? You knowwhat I’m talkin’ about here?

    Ricky: Mm hm. Mm hm.

    Phil: Well, I mean, what–? Not to mention”Silver Spoons”! With that kid, uh — what’s his name?– Ricky Schreiber?

    Ricky: Mm.

    Phil: He’s great!

    Ricky: He’s unbelievable! But I got totell you this, Phil. You gotta understand. It’s likeall politics in Hollywood out there. It’s, like, whoyou play, like, tennis with, you know, and who you eatguacamole with, you know? It’s like, you gottaunderstand the inner workings of the Academy of Artsand Leisure.

    Phil: You’re right, know that?

    Ricky: Mm hm.

    Phil: Let’s – let’s do this.

    Ricky: What?

    Phil: Let’s each of us take a poll, allright?

    Ricky: Okay.

    Phil: We’ll each chip in one dollar apiece,right?

    Ricky: Okay, okay.

    Phil: And then we’ll mark down who we thinkshould win what award, all right?

    Ricky: Absolutely!

    Phil: All right, here we go. Who do you thinkfor “Best Actor”?

    Ricky: “Best Actor”?

    Phil: Right.

    Ricky: Let’s see, let’s see. I’m gonna pickthis guy, this F. Murray Abraham.

    Phil: The guy from “Amadeus,” right?[mispronounced “uh-MADE-EE-us”]

    Ricky: Right.

    Phil: Why?

    Ricky: Because, see, he’s got a trick name.See? It’s F-period-Murray Abraham, see? You knowanybody named “F”? You ever call up anybody and go”Hello? Is ‘F’ there?” No, right? So, when the Academyguys, they gotta vote, they go “Who could be, like, aBest Actor?” and they think, “Oooh! The F guy! He mustbe really, really great ’cause he got a F for a name.”See? That’s how they think.

    Phil: That’s pretty smart.

    Ricky: Yeah. Now, who you gonna pick for “BestActor,” hm?

    [As Phil speaks, Ricky rises, goes to the kitchensink, pulls two fresh cans of beer from a six-packchilling there, and returns with them to thetable.]

    Phil: Pinocchio. That guy is great. That guy isgreat. You know, he’s amazing. First, he was wood. Andthen he’s sort of real. And then he’s like part of adonkey, you know? Then he’s like swimming underwaterand everything. I mean, this guy was great!

    Ricky: Is it possible, Phil, that there issomebody in this world who is stupider than you?Pinocchio? Pinocchio’s not real. He’s acartoon.

    Phil: [stares at Ricky in disbelief]Cartoon?

    Ricky: Yeah.

    Phil: [after a beat] That’s a good make-up jobhe’s got.

    Ricky: [sits, sets beer on table] You are sostupid, it’s unbelievable! You are so stupid,you are unbelievable!

    Phil: I’m stupid?

    Ricky: Right.

    Phil: Let me ask you a question, all right?

    Ricky: Okay.

    Phil: Would it be possible for you to havemore blackheads on your forehead? Could you dothat for me? [Ricky nods ironically] Good.

    Ricky: Could you bathe, like, less in your lifeso it stinks more under your armpits? Could you dothat for me?

    Phil: Sure.

    Ricky: You got waves of that stuff comin’off.

    Phil: Sure, sure, if you’ll do this for me.Maybe have more dandruff, all right?

    Ricky: Okay.

    Phil: So when you’re eating, more big flakes ofthings will fall down onto your fish sticks. Do thatfor me, all right?

    Ricky: I will do that for you when you pickyour nose more in church, all right? [mimespicking his nose] Get your hand right up inside yourskull. Get both hands up there so yougot–

    Phil: Why don’t you do me a favor? Do me afavor.

    Ricky: –two elbows comin’ out of your noselike this and go, “What is that? What is that?” “It’selbows!”

    Phil: Hey, hey, hey!

    Ricky: What?

    Phil: Schnaubel!

    Ricky: What?

    Phil: Get more dirt under your nails,all right?

    Ricky: Okay.

    Phil: More filth. Infect the whole borough ofBrooklyn, all right?

    Ricky: That’s very good.

    Phil: Do me a favor.

    Ricky: I will do that. Why don’t you killmore plants in the neighborhood with thetoe-jam in your feet, all right? [mimes plants keelingover] Like, plants goin’ “Whoa,” like that! “Whoa,”like that!

    Phil: [raises both hands] Truce! Truce! Truce!Truce! Truce!

    Ricky: Okay. [points to newspaper] “BestActress”?

    Phil: Sally Field.

    Ricky: Why?

    Phil: ‘Cause she was so good in “The Singin’Nun.”

    Ricky: You are amazingly dumb. I tell you thatright now. It’s a good thing that you’re not in theAcademy ’cause the votes’d get like really, reallyscrewed up. You’d, like, vote for Flipper or somethinglike that. I’ll tell you that right now. [Ricky andPhil pop the tops on their beer cans] You know, Phil?I got me a idea. [laughs] We do this. We take a bus toLos Angeles, right?

    Phil: Right.

    Ricky: We get out to there before the AcademyAwards. Take a day to get over the bus lag.

    Phil: Right.

    Ricky: But then, we go to the Academy Awardsthemselves, right? We sneak in there and we find thetwo guys who guard the ballots. They’re, uh–

    Phil: Price and Porterhouse!

    Ricky: Right! We go up to these guys, right?Oh, this is so good. And we give ’em a conk on thehead, right?

    Phil: Right.

    Ricky: We knock ’em out cold. Take off theirshirts. Give ’em a pink belly!

    Phil: Right.

    Ricky: [laughs] And then we take ourwinners and we exchange ’em for theirwinners.

    Phil: Place ’em! So then when Gregory Peck –the guy from “Moby Dick,” right?

    Ricky: Right.

    Phil: He comes out. He says, like, “The bestpicture o’ the year is–” and he opens theenvelope–

    Ricky: Right.

    Phil: –please — “Avenging Angel”!

    Ricky: Right! [laughs] It would beunbelievable!

    Phil: That would be great! That’s a deal,right?

    Ricky: It’s a deal! [they shake handsenthusiastically] Okay! All right!

    Ricky & Phil: [happily grabbing two dispensers,they press them together] Pez people! Mmmmm. Oooooh.[they each dispense Pez candy into their mouths, thenreturn to the game]

    Ricky: All right, whose turn is thisnow?

    Phil: Whose turn is it? It’s your turn. My–?No. I don’t know whose turn it is.

    Ricky: How could you not know whose turn it is?Would you have a less of an IQ, is thatpossible?

    Phil: Yeah, when your head gets smaller. Couldit get, like, a golf ball? That would be good.

    Ricky: My head gets smaller?

    Phil: Then I could crush it. Yeah,sure.

    Ricky: Yeah, great. Could you have moregrease stains on your elbows?

    Phil: I might be able to but–

    [Applause drowns out the rest. Dissolve to a widerview of the set and the Studio 8H audience.Fade.]

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Pamela Sue Martin: 02/16/85


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    February 16th, 1985

    Pamela Sue Martin

    Power Station

    Teri Garr

    Susan Lucci

    Lynn Swann

    Ann-Margret

    Power Station, “Some Like It Hot”

  • Pamela Sue Martin’s Monologue

  • Strategic Airborne Contraceptive

    (Repeat) See: 11/10/84.

  • The Joe Franklin Show

    Recurring Characters: Joe Franklin, Jackie Rogers, Jr.

  • Half of A Couple Of White Guys & His Wife Rap

  • Fernando at Night of 100 Stars

    Recurring Characters: Fernando.

  • Rich Hall Stand-Up

  • Jim Belushi’s Promise

  • You Know What I Hate?

    Recurring Characters: Willie, Frankie.

  • Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    Recurring Characters: Dwight MacNamara.

  • Power Station performs “Some Like It Hot”

  • First Draft Theatre

  • Linda Evans & Joan Collins Catfight Album

  • Tom, Dick & Horny

  • Power Station performs “Get It On (Bang A Gong)”

  • Bullet Cartoon

    SNL Transcripts

  • Fernando at Night of 100 Stars


    Fernando at Night of 100 Stars

    Fernando…..Billy Crystal
    …..Teri Garr
    …..Susan Lucci
    …..Morgan Fairchild
    Robert Latta…..Rich Hall
    …..Lynn Swann
    …..Ann-Margaret


    [ open on Fernando standing outside of Radio City Music Hall ]

    Fernando: Saludos, my darlings. I am Fernando, standing outside historic Radio City Music Hall, where tommorow the Night of 100 Stars is going to take place. It is totally sold out, it is so exciting, I am crazy going nuts. I am standing here in a gray cashmere coat and a towel that Red Buttons gave to me. And we are going to go inside and meet some of the 100 stars. So, let’s go in, because I am freezing my castanets off, I’ll tell you that right now!

    [ dissolve to Fernando inside, talking with Teri Garr ]

    Fernando: If I said to you, my friends, “Mr. Mom”, “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”, “Tootsie”, Academy Award nomination, you would probably think to yourself: Teri Garr. And that’s what I’m thinking, because she’s really here. And I’m telling you, you look mahvelous, darling, you really do. Tell me, what do you think about this whole night of 100 stars? I’m going nuts here!

    Teri Garr: Me, too. I’m just so nervous, I’m nervous as a cat.

    Fernando: You are nervous. But you such a big star, darling. First of all, what is all these hairs on your sweater? Was Lorne Green rolling around on your body for a little while?

    Teri Garr: It’s from a coat I bought, on sale.

    Fernando: That is why, you know that, I’ll tell you that right now.

    [ dissolve ]

    Fernando: Teri, let me ask you this: you know, how do you prepare for a role? When you played Tootsie, and you have to get dressed up as a man to go out and get a job.. that must be very difficult to lace up and tighten things down to do that.

    Teri Garr: You know, Fernando, I didn’t do that, I didn’t dress up as a man. Dustin dressed up as a woman in that movie. Did you see that movie, “Tootsie”?

    Fernando: Sure.

    Teri Garr: It was about role reversal. He dressed up as a woman. I didn’t dress up as a man.

    Fernando: [ silent ] Jack Warner once said to, I think it was Tyrone Power, “Stop doing that.”

    [ dissolve ]

    Fernando: Who does not, to you, look that good? Let’s just dish for a while. Who do you think don’t look so hot?

    Teri Garr: No, I can’t say!

    Fernando: Yes, you can. In what direction?

    Teri Garr: No, I really can’t! [ laughs ]

    Fernando: Will you tell me later? And then I’ll tell them!

    [ flip over to Fernando talking with Susan Lucci ]

    Fernando: You look mahvelous, darling. You know, if I said to you the name Erica Kane, would you not crazy go nuts, do a somersault and have a frozen yogurt that you could not have because it’s so cold and you get a headache right here? Susan Lucci, you are a fantastic talent, and, of course, the show, which some of you sit there in your lawn chairs in your living room, because they cannot get away, is, of course, “All My Days of My Life”.

    [ dissolve ]

    Fernando: Would you say that some of the guys say, “Ooh, I’m going to little tongue into your mouth.” Do you dever get a guy who’s just a little too fresh with you on the set?

    Susan Lucci: Many times. It is a terrible problem, but I carry Vasatrasin with me at all times. I put it right on, I’m fine.

    Fernando: What is that?

    Susan Lucci: Vasatrasin? You must have Vasatrasin!

    Fernando: I’m from Spain, we only have wild dogs. I don’t know what that means!

    Susan Lucci: It’s an antibiotic. You just put it right on your mouth, and you’re suddenly germ-free.

    Fernando: Is that true?

    Susan Lucci: Yeah!

    Fernando: Could I borrow some of that, because I’m going on the road right after –

    Susan Lucci: [ laughs ] You’ll need it!

    Fernando: I’m telling you that, right now. There’s so much of that jerpes going around, you have to be careful!

    [ flip over to Fernando talking with Morgan Fairchild ]

    Fernando: Deep down inside, when I look at you, you look mahvelous.

    Morgan Fairchild: Thank you.

    Fernando: Have you heard from.. [ wanderer Robert Latta wanders into the scene ] Hello. Can you take my picture? [ Robert snaps a picture ] Thank you, darling. Who are you?

    Robert Latta: Robert Latta.

    Fernando: Robert Latta? Are you one of the 100 stars?

    Robert Latta: No, I just wandered in.

    [ flip over to Fernando talking with Morgan Lynn Swann ]

    Fernando: You played in, uh, how many of the games that they call the, uh.. the Super Bowl?

    Lynn Swann: The Super Bowl. I played in, uh.. four of them.

    Fernando: Four Super Bowls. Is that a world record?

    Lynn Swann: No, no, it’s not a world record. But it’s close, it’s close.

    Fernando: Uh-huh. What is the craziest thing that peopel have said? You know, because I have been a fan of yours for so long, you know, and we’ve seen most of the movies that you have been in. Tell me this: is Terry Bradshaw as dumb as people say?

    Lynn Swann: [ laughs ] Well, I don’t know!

    Fernando: And I don’t mean this is a stoop to get him to say something about Terry! I was shocked when I –

    Lynn Swann: Somebody said he couldn’t spell “cat” if you spotted him the C and the T. Of course, that guy’s not playing football any more!

    Fernando: That’s true! The C and..? [ confused ] Anyway, darling..

    [ dissolve to Fernando standing alone in the hall ]

    Fernando: My friends, this is Fernando saying I’ve had a fantastic at the Night of 100 Stars. If you listen closely.. [ listens ] You hear that? Isaac Stern and Itzhak Perlman are jamming! Fantastic. When these two guys get tohether, all hell breaks loose. And I have met and spoke to some of the stars here, they are marvelous stars. I am so disappointed Hal Linden said no, but what are you going to do? And, uh.. [ looks over and spots Ann-Margaret sitting alone ] Oh, this.. Hello. Ann-Margaret?

    Ann-Margaret: Yes.

    Fernando: Hello, I am Fernando. Could we talk just for a second?

    Ann-Margaret: Yes.

    Fernando: This is, to me, the greatest of all the stars. This is an amazing thing to me. It’s so nice of you to drop by, Ann. You look mahvelous! Absolutely mahvelous! This is like my heart went to Miami to visit my mother!

    [ dissolve ]

    Fernando: Let me ask you this: your best work? “Viva Las Vegas”. Yes or no? What do you think?

    Ann-Margaret: Uh.. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I think the hardest thing I ever did – the roughest – was “Streetcar”.

    Fernando: “Streetcar Named Desire”. You worked with a Mr. Treat Williams.

    Ann-Margaret: Yes. As a matter of fact, he’s over here. [ points off screen ]

    Fernando: Who is over here. [ waves ] Hello, Treat. [ not acknowledged ] No.

    [ dissolve to Ann-Margaret kissing Fernando on the cheek ]

    Fernando V/O: Well, we chatted, and Ann and I both realzied that it was I who indeed looked mahvelous. And she laid one on me, right there.

    [ dissolve to Fernando in Studio 8H ]

    Fernando: And I tell you, my friends, thank God I had my Vasatrasin, I’ll tell you that right now! But, Ann, you’re a mahvelous star. And after seeing all these great stars, including Charles Bronson himself, my friends, who, when I approached him, as I came up to him, he said, “Die, before I kill you!” He’s some joking guy, I’ll tell you that right now, my friends! But after seeing these mahbelous stars, I know once and for all, my friends, that is much better to look good than to feel good. You know who you are!

    SNL Transcripts