Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

… Christopher Guest
Caspar Weinberger … Rich Hall
Buddy Young, Jr. … Billy Crystal
… Waylon Jennings
… Johnny Cash
… Christopher Reeve

[Music. SUPER: SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS against a nocturnalNew York City skyline.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now Saturday Night News withanchorperson Christopher Guest.

[Cheers and applause as the SUPER disappears and wepan over to a squinting Chris Guest, in suit and tieand seated at the news desk — his hair a wet,disheveled mess because it had to be washed after heplayed the oily-haired Phil in the previoussketch.]

Christopher Guest: Thank you. Thank you, DonPardo. Our top story tonight:

An SNL News weather advisory. The temperature here inNew York is a warm eighty-two degrees with thehumidity a comfortable fifty-four. However, the windis from the north at two hundred and sixty-five milesan hour … which, of course, is creating a wind chillfactor of ninety-one degrees below zero. … So bundleup — but take your sunglasses. …

Even though it has undergone extensive criticism forwaste, fraud and cost overruns, the Defense Departmentis asking for a record 285 billion dollars for 1986.With a response to this criticism, we have DefenseSecretary Caspar Weinberger standing by at thePentagon. [Chris turns to Weinberger who appears onthe screen behind him] Mr. Weinberger, what do youhave to say to the nation’s rising tide of resentmentagainst military spending?

Caspar Weinberger: [shakes his head sadly]Bounces right off of me, Chris. I’m not gonna backdown. I want 285 billion dollars. I am intractable onthat. I’ve said over and over and over, there’snothing more important than the defense of this nationand yet every year I have to go in front of Congress,I have to fight tooth and nail to get every penny todefend this country and I’m just not gonna do it anymore. I have my dignity. I’m not gonna plead any more.I’m not gonna wheedle. I’m simply – gonna hold mybreath till I get 285 billion dollars. …

Christopher Guest: Mr. Weinberger, perhaps youcould– [Weinberger puffs out his cheeks and holds hisbreath] … scuttle the MX program? [Weinberger shakeshis head “no”] … Maybe overhaul the bloated militarypension. [Weinberger checks his wristwatch, shakes hishead, waves dismissively at Chris’ suggestion] …What about – what about those eight hundredseventy-nine dollar claw hammers? Fine. Then just keepholding your breath, Mr. Weinberger, and we’ll checkback with you later. [Weinberger nods, Chris addressesthe camera] Secretary of Defense CasparWeinberger.

The Bernhard Goetz saga continues to unfold with asecond victim now suing the subway sheriff forviolating his civil rights. First, the family of ahospitalized victim filed a federal court suitdemanding fifty million dollars in damages. This week,another victim was in court asking for five milliondollars – to which Goetz reportedly replied, “Sure.I’ve got five million – for each of you.” …

[Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagan kissing] Only fourmore days till Valentine’s Day so we’d like to do ourannual tribute to romance. What better place to startthan the Reagan White House. [gentle romantic musiccreeps in under the following] The Reagans areprobably the most affectionate presidential couplesince Ulysses S. Grant and his lovely wife Darlene …who reportedly recreated the burning of Atlanta in theLincoln bedroom. … [Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagancuddling indoors] Ron and Nancy love to kiss inprivate. [Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagan kissing asmilitary men look on] And in public. They have noshame. [Photo of Nancy Reagan kissing Frank Sinatra]At least, Nancy doesn’t. … They just go on -[another photo of Ron and Nancy kissing] and on -[another photo] and on – and on. [Photo of RonaldReagan hugging former Secretary of State HenryKissinger] Even Ron needs a break now and then. …That’s his old pal Henry Kissinger. [Photo of RonaldReagan hugging someone in a giant bear costume] Andhis daughter Maureen. … [Photo of Ronald Reaganhugging someone in a giant dog costume] And his newdog Lucky. …

Of course, affection in high places isn’t restrictedto this administration. [Photo of Jimmy Carter kissingJacqueline Kennedy] Jimmy Carter and JacquelineKennedy, the original odd couple. … [Photo ofbare-chested Prince Charles and unidentified woman]That’s Britain’s Prince Charles and — anybody. …[Photo of Cuban leader Fidel Castro embracing DanielOrtega] Fidel Castro and Nicaraguan president Ortegaat a romantic Club Med in the Caribbean. … [Photo ofthe Rev. Jesse Jackson and a smiling Palestinianleader Yasser Arafat embracing] Here’s an affectionatepair. … Eh? Actually, Reverend Jackson is a mostaffectionate person. He loves to hug. [Photo ofJackson hugging a man] And embrace. [Photo of Jacksonembracing someone] And kiss. [Photo of Jackson kissingan elderly white woman] And hug some more. [Photo ofJackson hugging an elderly black woman] And hisaffection has no religious boundaries. [Photo ofJackson with his arm around Jewish entertainer SammyDavis, Jr.] … Of course, Pope John Paul II is anaffectionate man. [A series of photos of the Popekissing various airport runways] … He loves to kissairports … no matter where he lands. … It’srumored that he’s spread mononucleosis all over theworld. … And here he is at Orly Airport in Pariswhere the question arose: did he French kiss thetarmac? … We’ll never know. Happy Valentine’s Day.[applause]

Returning home after two years of exile in America,South Korean opposition leader Kim Dae-Jung and hisentourage were beaten, kicked, punched and shoved uponlanding at Seoul’s Kimpo International Airport. TheSouth Korean government, however, denied anywrongdoing, claiming that Kim and his group hadignored repeated orders to, quote, “Wait until theaircraft comes to a complete stop before moving itemsfrom the overhead racks.” …

Let’s check back now with Mr. Weinberger and see ifthere are any further developments. [Weinberger,cheeks still puffed out, looks at his wristwatch withmassively bulging eyeballs that nearly pop out oftheir sockets] … Caspar? [Weinberger shakes his headand waves dismissively at Chris] Caspar, you haven’tbacked down yet I see. Fine.

After being out of sight for several weeks, Sovietpremier Konstantin [mangles the pronunciation andkeeps trying till he gets it right] Chernenko – orKonstantin Chernenko – Chernenko – Chernenko hasfinally turned up at the Betty Ford RehabilitationCenter in Palm Springs. …

This week, a Senate subcommittee heard arguments forand against the banning of beer ads from TV. Opponentsof the commercials say that beer ads glamorize alcoholand contribute to its abuse. [belches] … ‘Scuse me…. Personally, I disagree but we’ll have more on thatstory as details come up.

Once again, from the Pentagon, holding his breathuntil he gets 285 billion dollars, here is CasparWeinberger. [Weinberger’s head, now an inflatedballoon with a face painted on it, abruptly collapseswith a squishy popping noise] … Well, there you haveit. Caspar Weinberger.

Christopher Guest: Now, with a restaurantreview, our special reporter, a legend in comedy, Mr.Buddy Young, Jr.

[Applause for Buddy, a cigar-chomping, middle-agedinsult comedian who wears an ugly maroon tuxedo. Heencourages the applause as his cheesy nightclub thememusic plays. Chris, meanwhile, is drying his hair witha towel.]

Buddy Young, Jr.: Thank you very much, Chris.By the way, I spoke to your doctor — you diedThursday. [rolls his eyes] … Anyway, Valentine’s Dayis coming. What a stupid holiday — give candy tosomebody you love to give pimples to, you don’t wannasee ’em no more! [mild reaction from crowd, Buddyrepeats vehemently:] See ’em no more! … [mildreaction from crowd]

Anyway, what’s more romantic than Hawaiian food?Plaster of Paris! I’ll tell ya that. At least, it’sFrench. Anyway– [zero reaction from crowd, Buddylooks annoyed] This is a rough room. … I go to the,uh– [to Chris] I spoke to the mortician — he said,”Just drop by!” [makes a face] …

So I go to this Hawaiian joint, “Don Ho’s Blue Flame.”I walk in there — I never seen so many bad shirts inone room in my life! … The shirts are louder thanthe music. Which is okay. Have you heard Hawaiianmusic? It’s not music — sounds like a cat in heat,this stuff, I’ll tell ya that right now. [Buddybriefly mimics Hawaiian music, another weak reaction]Get out of here. [to the cue card guy] Skip the card!Then … The Hawaiian language is nuts. It’s not alanguage. What are they belching? Wukka-wukka-mukka-lukka-wukka! Mukka-lukka-wukka![more weak response from crowd, to the cue card guy] Itold you, skip the card! Then …

This waiter, big sweaty guy, brings over the firstthing. It’s called poi! Could you eat somethingcalled poi? He comes over, he says, “Youhaven’t touched your poi.” I said, “Flush it down thepoilet!” I’ll tell ya that right now. …[crowd finally gets into it, rim shot, Buddy says todrummer:] Thank you! Where the hell–? What’d you do,come by bus? … [applause]

You know, I’m like Woody Herman: I fly, they go bybus. Anyway– [crowd doesn’t get it] Then he brings mean appetizer. [off the obscure reference to jazzmusician Woody Herman] That’s one for the band.[continues his review] They bring an appetizer. It’scalled a puu-puu platter! … What’s appetizing aboutpuu-puu? I’ll tell ya that. I’m a grown man, I havetrouble going across a table saying, “Excuse me, can Ihave some more puu-puu?” … And the guy goes, “I’msorry, I’m still working on my poi!” … Then,they bring the main thing. Two fat kids with a flamingthing on parallel bars. I say, “What the hell is that– Mary Lou Retton?” … It’s disgusting! It’s a pig,they tell me. … They tell me it’s a pig! Folks[raises a hand to the crowd, slight pause] — I’m aJew. … The only thing I could eat was theapple. I’ll tell ya that. … And they HEATTHAT! Who the hell heats fruit?! … You knowwhat I’m talkin’ about? [points to his mouth] I got athing hangin’ here from a – from a pineapple thatburned me. It was disgusting. … I’ll tell ya, it’snuts. [to Chris who is cracking up] Try to cheer down,Chris — you got the job. …

But let me tell ya this, folks. You like Italian food,huh? Huh? Then don’t go to this Hawaiian place! [zeroreaction, Buddy peers up at the silent balcony] What’dyou do, come from New Jersey? … What exit, babe,huh? … [rises from desk, grabs a hand mike and headsdown to the audience] I tell ya, folks, it’s wild,it’s nuts, this Hawaiian thing. It’s taken thecountry– [to a bearded man with a black cowboy hatsitting in the front row] Hello, how ya doin’? Hey, Iknow you. Jesse James, am I right? … What’s yourname, sir?

Waylon Jennings: Waylon Jennings.

Buddy Young, Jr.: Yeah, right. [cheers andapplause for the popular country singer who, with hishat and long hair, resembles a Hasidic Jew] So, uh,let me ask you this, Waylon — when did ya go Hasid onus here with the hat and the thing? … I tell ya,it’s too wacky. [to another man in the front row] Andyou must be, er–?

Johnny Cash: Johnny Cash. [cheers and applausefor the legendary singer who sits next to his wifeJune Carter Cash]

Buddy Young, Jr.: Who cares? … You know whatI’m sayin’? [fingers Johnny’s multi-coloredneckerchief] Good to see you workin’ with new colorsthese days, Johnny. … Do you believe he’s got thePortuguese flag around his throat? … Johnny, fromthe bottom of my heart — it’s over. You knowwhat I’m sayin’? … [to the crowd] No, seriously. Ikid Johnny — he’s a big star. [to Johnny] Does JackLord know you have his hair? … [Johnny really cracksup at this, the crowd cheers and applauds, Buddy putsa friendly hand on Johnny’s shoulder] How ya doin’?It’s a pleasure. I’m wild about this guy. Wild abouthim. What a night! [shakes hands with a big-haired manin the second row who appears to be country singerMarty Stuart] How ya doin’? What’d you do, sit onsomething electric when you came in? … [shakes handswith a handsome man wearing a pullover sweater in thesecond row] I know you, big guy, huh? What’s yourname?

Christopher Reeve: Christopher Reeve.

Buddy Young, Jr.: Chris, right. [cheers andapplause for the actor best remembered as Superman]Yes. And I’m Sabu. … Right, Christopher Reeve.That’s really wild. [to a woman sitting next to Reeveand wearing big earrings] Look, what d’you got,kryptonite in your earrings there? … See? I’mtopical! Berle said I’m not topical! You know, thisHawaiian thing is gettin’ me nuts. [to Chris at thenews desk] You know what it is, though, Chris? What weneed is love today! We don’t– [points to the balcony]You got love up there?! [crowd responds positively]Hey, how ya doin’? We don’t have love! We need lovetoday! [Buddy, returning to his seat, nearly hits hisgroin against the news desk] Oh! Excuse me! Ho! I wasalmost Jewish again! …

[Buddy sits] I tell ya, it’s wild. [to the front rowcelebrities] You guys are good sports. [to the crowd]But, bottom line, folks, I’ll tell ya this– Bott–Who–? [Buddy’s microphone cord has gotten caught onthe desk, he tries to pull it loose] What’d I do,catch a halibut? … I tell ya, it’s too wacky. …[glares at a gum-chewing Christopher Guest who istrying to keep a straight face] Who does your hair,Chris — a tornado? I’ll tell ya that right now, it’swild. [to the crowd] Bottom line, folks, “Don Ho’sBlue Flame” stinks! [drops the mike on the deskwith disgust] Back to you, Chris. Get out ofhere.

[Buddy’s theme music begins. Cheers and applause asChris salutes the crowd.]

Christopher Guest: Good night!

[Buddy and Chris rise, stand behind the desk andconverse as we fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Ricky & Phil Play Trivial Pursuit

84m: Harry Anderson / Bryan Adams

Ricky & Phil Play Trivial Pursuit

Ricky … Billy Crystal
Phil … Christopher Guest

[Greasy-haired Ricky, in his red, white and bluebowling shirt, approaches the window of his Brooklynapartment and peers out at the falling snow.]

Ricky: Ooh, wow. Look at the snow. It’s really,really unbelievable! I can’t believe it! Mustbe two feet down there. Hate to be a midget on a daylike this! [laughs his dorky laugh] It is really,really so amazing, it’s unbelievable! [turns from thewindow to the closed bathroom door] Hey! Hey, Phil!What are you doin’ in there? You all right?

[Ricky rolls his eyes as he hears the toilet flush.His roommate Phil, with slicked-back hair and a loudbrown shirt, emerges a moment later.]

Ricky: Hey, what took you so long? I was gonnasend out a search party.

Phil: I was readin’!

Ricky: Oh, good. Can I go in my own bathroomnow?

Phil: I’d let it simmer down if I wasyou.

Ricky: Great. Why don’t you eat, like,more Mexican food, all right?

Phil: Why don’t you shave your back, allright?

Ricky: I will. I will. Eh, why don’t you get,like, older underwear, okay? With, like,more holes in it? Matter of fact, why don’t youjust wear a waistband and forget the whole thing,okay?

Phil: You’re a douchebag.

Ricky: Hey!

Phil: Hey, you! Hey!

Ricky: Hey, hey-ey-ey-ey, all right. [Ricky andPhil walk to the kitchen table] What were you readin’in there that took so long?

Phil: This survival magazine. [shows Ricky anad in the magazine] This thing here. Look at this.Look at this. Look at this. Tattooing equipment,here.

Ricky: Uh huh?

Phil: You got your own machinery —

Ricky: Mm hm?

Phil: –designs. Enough to start your ownbusiness. No experience necessary.

Ricky: That’s us! We got noexperience! In every field! [laughs dorkily]Okay. [Ricky and Phil sit at the cluttered kitchentable where a game of Trivial Pursuit is in progress]All right, whose move?

Phil: It’s, uh, your move here.

Ricky: [picks up the die] I’ll go, I’ll go,I’ll go. [blows on die for luck, rolls it] Ooh. Three.[moves game piece] Oh, no! History. [turns away, putshand to face and rolls his eyes as Phil carefullypulls a card from the box]

Phil: [reads from card] “What famous presidentis on the five dollar bill?” [Phil stares at Rickywhose eyes are shut — after a pause, he starts again]”What famous pr–?”

Ricky: I heard you the first time! Give meanother one. [annoyed, Phil sighs] Come on.

Phil: [reads from card] “What animal does woolcome from?”

Ricky: Ooh, I know this. [eyes closed, shakingwith effort, gives up] Uhhh, gimme anotherone.

Phil: [reads from card] “What classic–? Whodirected — who directed what classic GermanExpressionistic film called, Cabinet of Dr.Caligari?”

Ricky: [immediately and rapidly] The picturewas made in 1919, directed by Robert Weine, with ascreenplay by Carl Mayer and Hans Janowitz,cinematography by Willy Hameister.

Phil: You’re right.

Ricky: This game is so easy! It’sunbelievable! [laughs] I tell you this, Phil,when I know all that stuff about cinema and stuff, itconvinces me that what I was born to do is to direct amajor motion picture.

Phil: Why don’t you direct your face to a bigbottle of mouthwash in the bathroom, all right? Thisis crazy here.

Ricky: Okay, I would like to go into thebathroom but it smells like a possum exploded inthere!

Phil: Hey, Doody-head, you do me a favor,right?

Ricky: Right.

Phil: You know so much about the movies,right?

Ricky: Right.

Phil: You answer me a question here. [picks upa newspaper] These Academy Award nominations,here?

Ricky: Right, right.

Phil: You explain this to me. For “BestPicture,” right?

Ricky: Okay.

Phil: [reads from newspaper] “Passage toIndia”?

Ricky: Right.

Phil: Right? [reads from newspaper] “Soldier’sStory”?

Ricky: Good.

Phil: [reads from newspaper] “Amadeus”?[mispronounced “uh-MADE-EE-us”]

Ricky: Right.

Phil: I mean, what is this here? What happenedto these good pictures like “Avenging Angel,” youknow?

Ricky: Mm hm.

Phil: And, like, “The Terminator”? You knowwhat I’m talkin’ about here?

Ricky: Mm hm. Mm hm.

Phil: Well, I mean, what–? Not to mention”Silver Spoons”! With that kid, uh — what’s his name?– Ricky Schreiber?

Ricky: Mm.

Phil: He’s great!

Ricky: He’s unbelievable! But I got totell you this, Phil. You gotta understand. It’s likeall politics in Hollywood out there. It’s, like, whoyou play, like, tennis with, you know, and who you eatguacamole with, you know? It’s like, you gottaunderstand the inner workings of the Academy of Artsand Leisure.

Phil: You’re right, know that?

Ricky: Mm hm.

Phil: Let’s – let’s do this.

Ricky: What?

Phil: Let’s each of us take a poll, allright?

Ricky: Okay.

Phil: We’ll each chip in one dollar apiece,right?

Ricky: Okay, okay.

Phil: And then we’ll mark down who we thinkshould win what award, all right?

Ricky: Absolutely!

Phil: All right, here we go. Who do you thinkfor “Best Actor”?

Ricky: “Best Actor”?

Phil: Right.

Ricky: Let’s see, let’s see. I’m gonna pickthis guy, this F. Murray Abraham.

Phil: The guy from “Amadeus,” right?[mispronounced “uh-MADE-EE-us”]

Ricky: Right.

Phil: Why?

Ricky: Because, see, he’s got a trick name.See? It’s F-period-Murray Abraham, see? You knowanybody named “F”? You ever call up anybody and go”Hello? Is ‘F’ there?” No, right? So, when the Academyguys, they gotta vote, they go “Who could be, like, aBest Actor?” and they think, “Oooh! The F guy! He mustbe really, really great ’cause he got a F for a name.”See? That’s how they think.

Phil: That’s pretty smart.

Ricky: Yeah. Now, who you gonna pick for “BestActor,” hm?

[As Phil speaks, Ricky rises, goes to the kitchensink, pulls two fresh cans of beer from a six-packchilling there, and returns with them to thetable.]

Phil: Pinocchio. That guy is great. That guy isgreat. You know, he’s amazing. First, he was wood. Andthen he’s sort of real. And then he’s like part of adonkey, you know? Then he’s like swimming underwaterand everything. I mean, this guy was great!

Ricky: Is it possible, Phil, that there issomebody in this world who is stupider than you?Pinocchio? Pinocchio’s not real. He’s acartoon.

Phil: [stares at Ricky in disbelief]Cartoon?

Ricky: Yeah.

Phil: [after a beat] That’s a good make-up jobhe’s got.

Ricky: [sits, sets beer on table] You are sostupid, it’s unbelievable! You are so stupid,you are unbelievable!

Phil: I’m stupid?

Ricky: Right.

Phil: Let me ask you a question, all right?

Ricky: Okay.

Phil: Would it be possible for you to havemore blackheads on your forehead? Could you dothat for me? [Ricky nods ironically] Good.

Ricky: Could you bathe, like, less in your lifeso it stinks more under your armpits? Could you dothat for me?

Phil: Sure.

Ricky: You got waves of that stuff comin’off.

Phil: Sure, sure, if you’ll do this for me.Maybe have more dandruff, all right?

Ricky: Okay.

Phil: So when you’re eating, more big flakes ofthings will fall down onto your fish sticks. Do thatfor me, all right?

Ricky: I will do that for you when you pickyour nose more in church, all right? [mimespicking his nose] Get your hand right up inside yourskull. Get both hands up there so yougot–

Phil: Why don’t you do me a favor? Do me afavor.

Ricky: –two elbows comin’ out of your noselike this and go, “What is that? What is that?” “It’selbows!”

Phil: Hey, hey, hey!

Ricky: What?

Phil: Schnaubel!

Ricky: What?

Phil: Get more dirt under your nails,all right?

Ricky: Okay.

Phil: More filth. Infect the whole borough ofBrooklyn, all right?

Ricky: That’s very good.

Phil: Do me a favor.

Ricky: I will do that. Why don’t you killmore plants in the neighborhood with thetoe-jam in your feet, all right? [mimes plants keelingover] Like, plants goin’ “Whoa,” like that! “Whoa,”like that!

Phil: [raises both hands] Truce! Truce! Truce!Truce! Truce!

Ricky: Okay. [points to newspaper] “BestActress”?

Phil: Sally Field.

Ricky: Why?

Phil: ‘Cause she was so good in “The Singin’Nun.”

Ricky: You are amazingly dumb. I tell you thatright now. It’s a good thing that you’re not in theAcademy ’cause the votes’d get like really, reallyscrewed up. You’d, like, vote for Flipper or somethinglike that. I’ll tell you that right now. [Ricky andPhil pop the tops on their beer cans] You know, Phil?I got me a idea. [laughs] We do this. We take a bus toLos Angeles, right?

Phil: Right.

Ricky: We get out to there before the AcademyAwards. Take a day to get over the bus lag.

Phil: Right.

Ricky: But then, we go to the Academy Awardsthemselves, right? We sneak in there and we find thetwo guys who guard the ballots. They’re, uh–

Phil: Price and Porterhouse!

Ricky: Right! We go up to these guys, right?Oh, this is so good. And we give ’em a conk on thehead, right?

Phil: Right.

Ricky: We knock ’em out cold. Take off theirshirts. Give ’em a pink belly!

Phil: Right.

Ricky: [laughs] And then we take ourwinners and we exchange ’em for theirwinners.

Phil: Place ’em! So then when Gregory Peck –the guy from “Moby Dick,” right?

Ricky: Right.

Phil: He comes out. He says, like, “The bestpicture o’ the year is–” and he opens theenvelope–

Ricky: Right.

Phil: –please — “Avenging Angel”!

Ricky: Right! [laughs] It would beunbelievable!

Phil: That would be great! That’s a deal,right?

Ricky: It’s a deal! [they shake handsenthusiastically] Okay! All right!

Ricky & Phil: [happily grabbing two dispensers,they press them together] Pez people! Mmmmm. Oooooh.[they each dispense Pez candy into their mouths, thenreturn to the game]

Ricky: All right, whose turn is thisnow?

Phil: Whose turn is it? It’s your turn. My–?No. I don’t know whose turn it is.

Ricky: How could you not know whose turn it is?Would you have a less of an IQ, is thatpossible?

Phil: Yeah, when your head gets smaller. Couldit get, like, a golf ball? That would be good.

Ricky: My head gets smaller?

Phil: Then I could crush it. Yeah,sure.

Ricky: Yeah, great. Could you have moregrease stains on your elbows?

Phil: I might be able to but–

[Applause drowns out the rest. Dissolve to a widerview of the set and the Studio 8H audience.Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts