SNL Transcripts: Bob Uecker: 01/12/85: 7×4

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 10: Episode 2

84b: Bob Uecker / Peter Wolf


Announcer V/O…..Don Pardo
Frank McCray…..Gary Kroeger
Phyllis Ray…..Julia-Louis Dreyfus
Lisa Saitt…..Mary Gross
Andy A. Abbott…..Rich Hall

[Zoom out on the game show’s logo as the theme music plays]

Announcer V/O: It’s time, once again, to play “7X4”, with yout host, Frank McCray.

[Applause as Frank happily walks to the stage, bows to the audience, blows a kiss to the conestants, and takes his place at his podium.]

Frank McCray: Hello, hello, hello. I’m Frank McCray and welcome to “7X4”.

[Lisa Saitt and Phyllis Ray, the first 2 contestants, buzz in]

Phyllis Ray: 28?

Frank McCray: Uh, look. Let’s wait ’till the game begins, shall we?

[Lisa giggles as Andy A. Abbott, the third and last conestant, buzzes in]

Frank McCray: Yes?

Andy A. Abbott: Uh, I’d like to take a guess, Frank.

Frank McCray: Look, we haven’t started the game yet, all right? [Andy briefly nods]

Andy A. Abbott: 28!

[The other contestants instaneously buzz in and yell “28”.]

Frank McCray: Stop, please! I know you’re anxious to get started, but you must wait ’till we actually begin, all right? Now let’s meet our contestants. First of all, contestant number one, what is your name and what do you do?

Lisa Siatt: My name’s Lisa Siatt and I teach a course in advanced mathematics.

Frank McCray: Really? This game should be right up your alley.

Lisa Siatt: I don’t expect any problems.

Frank McCray: Terrific. Contestant number two, what is your name?

Phyllis Ray: Phyllis Ray.

Frank McCray: And how old are you, Phyllis?

Phyllis Ray: 28.

[Lisa, Phyllis, and Andy start buzzing in and yelling “28” again.]

Frank McCray: [hastliy] Please, now come on! We’re wasting valuable time. Now just settle down, all right? Number three, what is your name, sir?

Andy A. Abbott: Um, Andy A. Abbott.

Frank McCray: Welcome to the show, Mr. Abbott.

Andy A. Abbott: Will we be going alphabetically?

Phyllis Ray: Uh, well–

Lisa Siatt: No, no.

Phyllis Ray: There’s no need–

Frank McCray: Uh, I’m afraid not, Mr. Abbott. Thank you for your enthuiasm. Don Pardo, what are they playing for today on “7X4”?

[A picture of a house wipes in as theme music plays]

Don Pardo V/O: It’s a house, Frank. [Offscreen, the contestants buzz in instaneously] Yes, it’s a five-bedroom Colonial with a guesthouse, a swimming pool, and ten heavenly acres of land.

[Cut back to Frank trying to stop the contestants from buzzing in.]

Frank McCray: [aggravated] Come on! Just settle down, would you? Every damn show, the same thing! Now, just settle down and keep your hands off the buzzers. Are we ready to play? All right. Here is your first question–

Lisa Siatt: [buzzing in] 28?

Frank McCray: [shouting] WAIT FOR THE QUESTION, DAMN IT!

[The three contestants, bewildred and rather offended, quietly wait for the question]

Frank McCray: “If the farmer had seven apples–“

[The three contestants continuously buzz in and yell “28”. The ending bell sounds as Frank looks off-screen.]

Frank McCray: We’re out of time? What? [Frank turns back to the contestants] Great! We’re out of time. You have no one to blame but yourselves. That’s it. Forget it. [Turns to the audience] Well, thanks for tuning in and join us next time on “7X4”.

[The contestants continue to shout “28” as an angry and frustarated Frank goes over to the contestants and trying to force their hands off the buzzers to no avail]

Submitted by: Kyle McElravy

SNL Transcripts

Tippi Turtle

Tippi Turtle

Jingle: “Hey, Tippi Turtle, coming down the street
Tell us what you’re gonna do!”

Tippi Turtle: “First, I’m gonna bother everybody I meet
Then, I’ll probably go home and get drunk.”

Jingle: Hey, Tippi Turtle!
Hey, hey, Tippi Turtle!”

[ Tippi Turtle walks down the street ]

Tippi Turtle: Hi, everybody! Well, enough small talk – we’ve got people to annoy! Today, we’re gonna bother these guys – the hammerheads at the U.S. Post Office. Hee hee hee! Now, pay attention.

[ Tippi demonstrates in his home workshop ]

Get some real thin balsa wood, and glue it together like this. See? You make a little box! Then, you take a helium balloon and you put it inside like this. Then, wrap it up and address it! Take it downtown.

[ show Tippi Turtle standing in line at the Post Office ]

Hee hee hee! This is gonna be great! [ jumps excitedly ]

Postal Employee: Next.

Tippi Turtle: Yes. Good afternoon, Mr. United States Post Office Man. Now, you charge according to weight, is that correct?

Postal Employee: Yeah, yeah, yeah, just put it on the scale.

Tippi Turtle: Okee-dokee! [ places his box on the scale, but it floats upward ] Looks like you owe me some money, hammerhead!

Postal Employee: [ grabs box from midair, places it down again ] I don’t know.. [ box floats away again ]

Tippi Turtle: [ bangs counter ] Are you gonna pay up, or not? Iwant my money! Fair is fair! [ leans close to the camera to whisper to the audience ] Be real obnoxious. Keep demanding money. Bother as many people as you can! [ leans back into the cartoon ] I want my money! Fair is fair!

[ a fight ensues, Tippi casually walks away ]

Tippi Turtle: Hee hee hee! Now, that’s entertainment!Goodbye, everybody! See you next time!

Jingle: “Hey, Tippi Turtle!”

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts