SNL Transcripts: (no host): 10/06/84: Lifestyles of the Relatives of the Rich and Famous

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 10: Episode 1

84a: (no host) / Thompson Twins

Lifestyles of the Relatives of the Rich and Famous

Robin Leach…..Harry Shearer
Nelson Hepburn…..Martin Short
Anthony Haden-Callas…..Christopher Guest

Robin Leach V/O: This week, meet the distant cousin of a famous actress. He talks about their relationship, and his career, this week on “Lifestyles of the Relatives of the Rich and Famous”.

Robin Leach: I’m celebrity interviewer, Robin Leach.

Robin Leach V/O: Central Park. New York’s tree-lined melting pot. At a prime location halfway between the zoo and Dick Buttons’ favorite bush, sits the hot dog stand owned by Katherine Hepburn’s maternal third cousin, Nelson. We caught up with him recently.

[ cut to Nelson Hepburn working a customer ]

Nelson Hepburn: That’s one dog, thank you. Come again, and don’t gobble that!

[ cut to Nelson Hepburn being interviewed ]

Nelson Hepburn: For many years, Dom DeLuise would stop by. One time, he was famished and in a hurry, he said, “I’ll have four to go.” And he gobbled one down, not waiting, and it got choking in his throat! I ran behind him, I gave him the Heimlich, hit him in the stomach, and it popped out, fell into the water, I resold it, no one was the wiser..

One time, Cher Bono stopped by. She was having a huge jumbo burger, and she spit it out mid-chew and hit me right in the face. At first, I was thrown, and she said, “I just remembered – I’m a vegeterian!”

Robin Leach V/O: Business is good these days for Nelson, but all is not rosy between him and his famous relative.

Nelson Hepburn: We don’t communicate at all. Never did. I tried, through letter, through phone calls, anonymous sometimes, and she’d hang up. One time, she stopped by here, and I said, “Kate, don’t you know me?” And she just looked at me and she said, “More mustard, please!” And walked away! I’m taking Sunday, Sunday’s mine, it always was. And I get up around 4:30 or 5:00, and then, I-I-I-I-I read the paper, I have a huge bowl of bran. For the next three hours, I’m indisposed, and then I phone friends. Before I know it, it’s time to put out weiners, and then it’s dawn, it’s a new day.

Robin Leach V/O: And, when the saurkraut has been applied to the last steaming weiner, sometimes as late as 9PM, Nelson Hepburn leaves for home in his 1978 Plymouth Valiant.

Nelson Hepburn: Oh, the future. What a frightening prospect. I don’t know. I imagine I’ll be here, saying to someone like you, “Do you want mustard, or are you a saurkraut man?” Are you the type to say, “Just give me a weiner, hold the bun”, or do you want soda? I imagine I’ll say, “Whatever you want, give me the money and it’s yours.” Because that’s my job.

Robin Leach V/O: Next week, we talk to the English professor who’s a nephew of comedian Charlie Callas.

Anthony Haden-Callas: I don’t think people have the time to.. [ barks, then begins to jump around like a duck ]

Robin Leach V/O: Next week, on the “Lifestyles of the Relatives of the Rich and Famous”.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: (no host): 10/06/84: Synchronized Swimming

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 10: Episode 1

84a: (no host) / Thompson Twins

Synchronized Swimming

Gerald…..Harry Shearer
Lawrence…..Martin Short
Director…..Christopher Guest

[ open on an underwater camera angled upward to see Gerald & Lawrence on the surface above, as they jump into the pool below and begin their synchronized swimming routine. ]

Gerald: Oh, it’s not going to be easy. My brother and I know. Men have never done synchronized swimming in a sanctioned competition in this country. Officially, it’s got like a zero acceptance rate.

[ cut to Gerald & Lawrence sitting and chatting ]

Lawrence: I don’t swim.

Gerald: Lawrence doesn’t swim. So.. I mean, no, of course not.. no one’s going to just walk up and hand us a gold medal. Men’s syncro isn’t even in the ’88 Olympics yet.

Lawrence: That’s okay, because we could use the time. ‘Cause I’m not.. I’m not that strong a swimmer.

Gerald: But I mean, that just means, you know, for ’92, we’re a lock for the gold.

[ cut to Gerald & Lawrence doing more of their routine in the pool ]

Gerald: I remember it was a Friday. I was coming home. My wife, Abby, asked me, “Honey, is there something wrong?” And I said, “No, there’s nothing wrong. I’ve made a decision. I’m leaving the accounting firm, and Lawrence and I are gonig to pursue a dream that we have, and that basically synchronized swimming is going to be our lives for the rest of this century.”

[ cut to Gerald’s wife, Abby ]

Abby: At first, I was sullen, because it turned our lives upseide-down, you know? But then I realized that it wasmaking Gerald really happy.. after being down for so long. I just decided that.. this was going to be great. [ cut to visual of Abby walking up a suburban sidewalk with a suitcase of wares ] Going back to work was a challenge.. but I found a whole outlet of experience.. and, let me tell you, you meet so many new people in the course of one day.

[ Abby knocks on door, but is ignored after being noticed from the window ]

Gerald: She’s been great. I’m really fond of the lady.

[ cut to a Director helping Gerald & Lawrence with their routine ]

Director: 1, 2, 3, 4 – here it goes. This is like a mirror between you, and then he goes this way, and then let’s say you were to point at each other. You’re doing the same thing, aren’t you? No, you’re not angry at him..

Gerald: No, I’m not.

Director: No, you’re just pointing at him. “Hey, you! I know you! I know you!” Let’s hear the waggle. The waggle. Yes, just let me see this.. [ waggles ] Yeah, you remember that.. Maybe not.

[ cut to Director discussing his work withGerald & Lawrence ]

Director: Working with them has also given me a goose – if I may use that expression. I’ve been directing regional theater – “Shakespeare in the Park” – and if I ever do that again, I’m just going to, you know, kill myself with a Veg-o-Matic.

[ cut to more directing ]

Director: We dig a hole, we dig a hole, we dig a hole..

Director Voice-Over: And the great thing about these boys is they are thinking gold. I mean, who would want to wear bronze, anyway?

[ the boys learn underwater breathing techniques ]

Director: Be aware of the waterlines. So start holding your noses now! And hold your breath! Count: 1, 2.. you’re underwater – I am, too, but I’m talking, this is just pretend – 2, 3, 4.. look at the fish going by, you see people’s feet? Can you hold it any longer? No. So, burst out of the water, and aren’t you glad to be out of the water? Lawrence, aren’t you glad?

Lawrence: Yes.

Director: Yes!

[ cut to Gerald & Lawrence on the deck, Lawrence performing an on-deck dance routine ]

Director Voice-Over: Although the judges don’t count it, deck work is a very important part of Lawrence’s preparation for the gold, and that’s allowed to come from within in. He can be surprisingly creative.

[ Gerald & Larence jump into the water ]

Lawrence: The underwater part is really challenging. In a way, it’s what makes this sport a sport. The male rules are a lot tougher. We can only touch the bottom with the balls of our feet, or else it’s five-eighths of a point off.

[ cut to behind-the-scenes grooming before the next bout of practice ]

[ cut to Gerald & Lawrence in the water showing off their best synchronized swimming skills ]

Lawrence Voice-Over: The music is chosen to express different moods: happy, underwater.. we’ll argue sometimes about it, but I think Gerald trusts my tastes.

Gerald Voice-Over: There just comes a time in your life where you have to take yourself to the limit. We have the opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before. And we’re going for it.

[ Gerald & Lawrence finish their synchronized swimming and wave to the empty crowd ]

SNL Transcripts