Category: 1984

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 1

84a: (no host) / Thompson Twins

Lifestyles of the Relatives of the Rich and Famous

Robin Leach…..Harry Shearer
Nelson Hepburn…..Martin Short
Anthony Haden-Callas…..Christopher Guest

Robin Leach V/O: This week, meet the distant cousin of a famous actress. He talks about their relationship, and his career, this week on “Lifestyles of the Relatives of the Rich and Famous”.

Robin Leach: I’m celebrity interviewer, Robin Leach.

Robin Leach V/O: Central Park. New York’s tree-lined melting pot. At a prime location halfway between the zoo and Dick Buttons’ favorite bush, sits the hot dog stand owned by Katherine Hepburn’s maternal third cousin, Nelson. We caught up with him recently.

[ cut to Nelson Hepburn working a customer ]

Nelson Hepburn: That’s one dog, thank you. Come again, and don’t gobble that!

[ cut to Nelson Hepburn being interviewed ]

Nelson Hepburn: For many years, Dom DeLuise would stop by. One time, he was famished and in a hurry, he said, “I’ll have four to go.” And he gobbled one down, not waiting, and it got choking in his throat! I ran behind him, I gave him the Heimlich, hit him in the stomach, and it popped out, fell into the water, I resold it, no one was the wiser..

One time, Cher Bono stopped by. She was having a huge jumbo burger, and she spit it out mid-chew and hit me right in the face. At first, I was thrown, and she said, “I just remembered – I’m a vegeterian!”

Robin Leach V/O: Business is good these days for Nelson, but all is not rosy between him and his famous relative.

Nelson Hepburn: We don’t communicate at all. Never did. I tried, through letter, through phone calls, anonymous sometimes, and she’d hang up. One time, she stopped by here, and I said, “Kate, don’t you know me?” And she just looked at me and she said, “More mustard, please!” And walked away! I’m taking Sunday, Sunday’s mine, it always was. And I get up around 4:30 or 5:00, and then, I-I-I-I-I read the paper, I have a huge bowl of bran. For the next three hours, I’m indisposed, and then I phone friends. Before I know it, it’s time to put out weiners, and then it’s dawn, it’s a new day.

Robin Leach V/O: And, when the saurkraut has been applied to the last steaming weiner, sometimes as late as 9PM, Nelson Hepburn leaves for home in his 1978 Plymouth Valiant.

Nelson Hepburn: Oh, the future. What a frightening prospect. I don’t know. I imagine I’ll be here, saying to someone like you, “Do you want mustard, or are you a saurkraut man?” Are you the type to say, “Just give me a weiner, hold the bun”, or do you want soda? I imagine I’ll say, “Whatever you want, give me the money and it’s yours.” Because that’s my job.

Robin Leach V/O: Next week, we talk to the English professor who’s a nephew of comedian Charlie Callas.

Anthony Haden-Callas: I don’t think people have the time to.. [ barks, then begins to jump around like a duck ]

Robin Leach V/O: Next week, on the “Lifestyles of the Relatives of the Rich and Famous”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 1

84a: (no host) / Thompson Twins

Synchronized Swimming

Gerald…..Harry Shearer
Lawrence…..Martin Short
Director…..Christopher Guest

[ open on an underwater camera angled upward to see Gerald & Lawrence on the surface above, as they jump into the pool below and begin their synchronized swimming routine. ]

Gerald: Oh, it’s not going to be easy. My brother and I know. Men have never done synchronized swimming in a sanctioned competition in this country. Officially, it’s got like a zero acceptance rate.

[ cut to Gerald & Lawrence sitting and chatting ]

Lawrence: I don’t swim.

Gerald: Lawrence doesn’t swim. So.. I mean, no, of course not.. no one’s going to just walk up and hand us a gold medal. Men’s syncro isn’t even in the ’88 Olympics yet.

Lawrence: That’s okay, because we could use the time. ‘Cause I’m not.. I’m not that strong a swimmer.

Gerald: But I mean, that just means, you know, for ’92, we’re a lock for the gold.

[ cut to Gerald & Lawrence doing more of their routine in the pool ]

Gerald: I remember it was a Friday. I was coming home. My wife, Abby, asked me, “Honey, is there something wrong?” And I said, “No, there’s nothing wrong. I’ve made a decision. I’m leaving the accounting firm, and Lawrence and I are gonig to pursue a dream that we have, and that basically synchronized swimming is going to be our lives for the rest of this century.”

[ cut to Gerald’s wife, Abby ]

Abby: At first, I was sullen, because it turned our lives upseide-down, you know? But then I realized that it wasmaking Gerald really happy.. after being down for so long. I just decided that.. this was going to be great. [ cut to visual of Abby walking up a suburban sidewalk with a suitcase of wares ] Going back to work was a challenge.. but I found a whole outlet of experience.. and, let me tell you, you meet so many new people in the course of one day.

[ Abby knocks on door, but is ignored after being noticed from the window ]

Gerald: She’s been great. I’m really fond of the lady.

[ cut to a Director helping Gerald & Lawrence with their routine ]

Director: 1, 2, 3, 4 – here it goes. This is like a mirror between you, and then he goes this way, and then let’s say you were to point at each other. You’re doing the same thing, aren’t you? No, you’re not angry at him..

Gerald: No, I’m not.

Director: No, you’re just pointing at him. “Hey, you! I know you! I know you!” Let’s hear the waggle. The waggle. Yes, just let me see this.. [ waggles ] Yeah, you remember that.. Maybe not.

[ cut to Director discussing his work withGerald & Lawrence ]

Director: Working with them has also given me a goose – if I may use that expression. I’ve been directing regional theater – “Shakespeare in the Park” – and if I ever do that again, I’m just going to, you know, kill myself with a Veg-o-Matic.

[ cut to more directing ]

Director: We dig a hole, we dig a hole, we dig a hole..

Director Voice-Over: And the great thing about these boys is they are thinking gold. I mean, who would want to wear bronze, anyway?

[ the boys learn underwater breathing techniques ]

Director: Be aware of the waterlines. So start holding your noses now! And hold your breath! Count: 1, 2.. you’re underwater – I am, too, but I’m talking, this is just pretend – 2, 3, 4.. look at the fish going by, you see people’s feet? Can you hold it any longer? No. So, burst out of the water, and aren’t you glad to be out of the water? Lawrence, aren’t you glad?

Lawrence: Yes.

Director: Yes!

[ cut to Gerald & Lawrence on the deck, Lawrence performing an on-deck dance routine ]

Director Voice-Over: Although the judges don’t count it, deck work is a very important part of Lawrence’s preparation for the gold, and that’s allowed to come from within in. He can be surprisingly creative.

[ Gerald & Larence jump into the water ]

Lawrence: The underwater part is really challenging. In a way, it’s what makes this sport a sport. The male rules are a lot tougher. We can only touch the bottom with the balls of our feet, or else it’s five-eighths of a point off.

[ cut to behind-the-scenes grooming before the next bout of practice ]

[ cut to Gerald & Lawrence in the water showing off their best synchronized swimming skills ]

Lawrence Voice-Over: The music is chosen to express different moods: happy, underwater.. we’ll argue sometimes about it, but I think Gerald trusts my tastes.

Gerald Voice-Over: There just comes a time in your life where you have to take yourself to the limit. We have the opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before. And we’re going for it.

[ Gerald & Lawrence finish their synchronized swimming and wave to the empty crowd ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 13th, 1984

Bob Uecker

Peter Wolf

Yogi Berra

Password

Bob Uecker’s Monologue

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.

Snap, Crackle & Pop

An American Portrait

Little League Coach & Son

Tom Brokaw

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw.

Mamie Eisenhower Center For The Dull

7 x 4

Negro Leaguers

Saturday Night News with Bob Uecker

Recurring Characters: Lew Goldman.

Lost and Found Department

Tippi Turtle

Peter Wolf performs “I Need You Tonight”

SNL Mailbag

Baseball Juice

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 2

84b: Bob Uecker / Peter Wolf

7×4

Announcer V/O…..Don Pardo
Frank McCray…..Gary Kroeger
Phyllis Ray…..Julia-Louis Dreyfus
Lisa Saitt…..Mary Gross
Andy A. Abbott…..Rich Hall

[Zoom out on the game show’s logo as the theme music plays]

Announcer V/O: It’s time, once again, to play “7X4”, with yout host, Frank McCray.

[Applause as Frank happily walks to the stage, bows to the audience, blows a kiss to the conestants, and takes his place at his podium.]

Frank McCray: Hello, hello, hello. I’m Frank McCray and welcome to “7X4”.

[Lisa Saitt and Phyllis Ray, the first 2 contestants, buzz in]

Phyllis Ray: 28?

Frank McCray: Uh, look. Let’s wait ’till the game begins, shall we?

[Lisa giggles as Andy A. Abbott, the third and last conestant, buzzes in]

Frank McCray: Yes?

Andy A. Abbott: Uh, I’d like to take a guess, Frank.

Frank McCray: Look, we haven’t started the game yet, all right? [Andy briefly nods]

Andy A. Abbott: 28!

[The other contestants instaneously buzz in and yell “28”.]

Frank McCray: Stop, please! I know you’re anxious to get started, but you must wait ’till we actually begin, all right? Now let’s meet our contestants. First of all, contestant number one, what is your name and what do you do?

Lisa Siatt: My name’s Lisa Siatt and I teach a course in advanced mathematics.

Frank McCray: Really? This game should be right up your alley.

Lisa Siatt: I don’t expect any problems.

Frank McCray: Terrific. Contestant number two, what is your name?

Phyllis Ray: Phyllis Ray.

Frank McCray: And how old are you, Phyllis?

Phyllis Ray: 28.

[Lisa, Phyllis, and Andy start buzzing in and yelling “28” again.]

Frank McCray: [hastliy] Please, now come on! We’re wasting valuable time. Now just settle down, all right? Number three, what is your name, sir?

Andy A. Abbott: Um, Andy A. Abbott.

Frank McCray: Welcome to the show, Mr. Abbott.

Andy A. Abbott: Will we be going alphabetically?

Phyllis Ray: Uh, well–

Lisa Siatt: No, no.

Phyllis Ray: There’s no need–

Frank McCray: Uh, I’m afraid not, Mr. Abbott. Thank you for your enthuiasm. Don Pardo, what are they playing for today on “7X4”?

[A picture of a house wipes in as theme music plays]

Don Pardo V/O: It’s a house, Frank. [Offscreen, the contestants buzz in instaneously] Yes, it’s a five-bedroom Colonial with a guesthouse, a swimming pool, and ten heavenly acres of land.

[Cut back to Frank trying to stop the contestants from buzzing in.]

Frank McCray: [aggravated] Come on! Just settle down, would you? Every damn show, the same thing! Now, just settle down and keep your hands off the buzzers. Are we ready to play? All right. Here is your first question–

Lisa Siatt: [buzzing in] 28?

Frank McCray: [shouting] WAIT FOR THE QUESTION, DAMN IT!

[The three contestants, bewildred and rather offended, quietly wait for the question]

Frank McCray: “If the farmer had seven apples–“

[The three contestants continuously buzz in and yell “28”. The ending bell sounds as Frank looks off-screen.]

Frank McCray: We’re out of time? What? [Frank turns back to the contestants] Great! We’re out of time. You have no one to blame but yourselves. That’s it. Forget it. [Turns to the audience] Well, thanks for tuning in and join us next time on “7X4”.

[The contestants continue to shout “28” as an angry and frustarated Frank goes over to the contestants and trying to force their hands off the buzzers to no avail]

Submitted by: Kyle McElravy

SNL Transcripts

Tippi Turtle

Jingle: “Hey, Tippi Turtle, coming down the street
Tell us what you’re gonna do!”

Tippi Turtle: “First, I’m gonna bother everybody I meet
Then, I’ll probably go home and get drunk.”
Jingle: Hey, Tippi Turtle!
Hey, hey, Tippi Turtle!”

[ Tippi Turtle walks down the street ]

Tippi Turtle: Hi, everybody! Well, enough small talk – we’ve got people to annoy! Today, we’re gonna bother these guys – the hammerheads at the U.S. Post Office. Hee hee hee! Now, pay attention.

[ Tippi demonstrates in his home workshop ]

Get some real thin balsa wood, and glue it together like this. See? You make a little box! Then, you take a helium balloon and you put it inside like this. Then, wrap it up and address it! Take it downtown.

[ show Tippi Turtle standing in line at the Post Office ]

Hee hee hee! This is gonna be great! [ jumps excitedly ]

Postal Employee: Next.

Tippi Turtle: Yes. Good afternoon, Mr. United States Post Office Man. Now, you charge according to weight, is that correct?

Postal Employee: Yeah, yeah, yeah, just put it on the scale.

Tippi Turtle: Okee-dokee! [ places his box on the scale, but it floats upward ] Looks like you owe me some money, hammerhead!

Postal Employee: [ grabs box from midair, places it down again ] I don’t know.. [ box floats away again ]

Tippi Turtle: [ bangs counter ] Are you gonna pay up, or not? Iwant my money! Fair is fair! [ leans close to the camera to whisper to the audience ] Be real obnoxious. Keep demanding money. Bother as many people as you can! [ leans back into the cartoon ] I want my money! Fair is fair!

[ a fight ensues, Tippi casually walks away ]

Tippi Turtle: Hee hee hee! Now, that’s entertainment!Goodbye, everybody! See you next time!

Jingle: “Hey, Tippi Turtle!”

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:
October 20th, 1984

Jesse Jackson

Andrae Crouch

Wintley Phipps

None

Godfather Sammy

Recurring Characters: Sammy Davis, Jr.

Jesse Jackson’s Monologue

You Know What I Hate?

Recurring Characters: Willie, Frankie.

The Question is Moot!

Refrigerator Magnets

Just Kidding!

Ed Grimley

Recurring Characters: Ed Grimley.

Tippi Turtle

Wrong Voice, Right Face

Control Room

Saturday Night News with Jesse Jackson

Andrae Crouch performs “Right Now”

Jesse’s Love Jones

Rich Hall’s Election Report

Soap Opera Digest Awards

Recurring Characters: Mr. Blackwell.

Not in the Rainbow Coalition

Wintley Phipps performs “Tell Me Again”

SNL Transcripts

Refrigerator Magnets

Mother…..Mary Gross
Doctor…..Rich Hall

[ open on Mother in the kitchen, as little Billy approaches ]

Mother V/O: I’ll never forget the day little Billy came home with stomach pains..

Billy: Mommy..? I have a stomachache..

Mother V/O: At first, nothing seemed unusual – he wasn’t running a temperature. But then I noticed an unusual accumulation of metal objects around Billy’s midsection. That’s when I realized little Billy had been eating.. refrigerator magnets.

[ show Billy being wheeled into the hospital, as a Doctor approaches the camera ]

Doctor: You know, every seven minutes a child is wheeled into the hospital after eating too many refrigerator magnets – those little doodads that resemble cookies and candies and fruits. Sometimes Junior can’t tell them from the real thing. The results.. [ pulls a license plate loose from Billy’s stomach ] ..can be tragic.

[ show Billy on the operating table, as the magnet in his stomach pulls some sharp medical tools toward his abdomen ]

Doctor V/O: Last year, surgeons performed over 9,000 emergency magnectomies. This year, the rate will be even higher.

Doctor: Now, if you suspect that your child is eating magnets, look for these warning signs:

A. Mild stomach pains.

B. An annoying tendancy to point to the north.

C. An unusual attraction to large metal objects.

[ Billy is pulled onto the side of a large rental truck ]

Put magnets behind the fridge, where kids can’t reach them.

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] This message has been brought to you by the REFRIGERATOR MAGNET SAFETY ADVISORY BOARD.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: 1984-1985


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Starring:

Jim Belushi

Billy Crystal

Mary Gross

Christopher Guest

Rich Hall

Gary Kroeger

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Harry Shearer

Martin Short

Pamela Stepheson

Episodes

10/06/84: (none) / Thompson Twins

10/13/84: Bob Uecker / Peter Wolf

10/20/84: Jesse Jackson / Andrae Crouch, Wintley Phipps

11/03/84: Michael Mckean / Chaka Khan, The Folksmen

11/10/84: George Carlin / Frankie Goes to Hollywood

11/17/84: Ed Asner / The Kinks

12/01/84: Ed Begley, Jr. / Billy Squier

12/08/84: Ringo Starr / Herbie Hancock

12/15/84: Eddie Murphy / Robert Plant & The Honeydrippers

01/12/85: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

01/19/85: Roy Scheider / Billy Ocean

02/02/85: Alex Karras / Tina Turner

02/09/85: Harry Anderson / Bryan Adams

02/16/85: Pamela Sue Martin / Power Station

03/30/85: Mr. T & Hulk Hogan / The Commodores

04/06/85: Christopher Reeve / Santana

04/13/85: Howard Cosell / Greg Kihn

SummarySaturday Night Live joins the All-Stars. With the departures of headliners Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo (not to mention Robin Duke, Brad Hall and Tim Kazurinsky), current producer Dick Ebersol decide to bring in some big-name talents to add appeal to the show. These new (to SNL), yet old (to showbiz), talents are two-time host Billy Crystal (“Soap”), Christopher Guest (“This Is Spinal Tap”), Rich Hall (“Not Necessarily The News”), Harry Shearer (from SNL’s 1979 season), Martin Short (“SCTV”) and Pamela Stephenson (“Superman III”).

Hosts this season included former cast member Eddie Murphy (“Host ‘Saturday Night Live’? Ha!”), and future 1994 cast member Michael McKean.

Aside from big name talents, SNL’s 10th season is also best remembered for its mainly pre-taped content. Though a majority of is still well-remembered today, it did leave a minimum void for fans of the live anything-can-happen aspect that had captivated viewers for nine years.

SNL Transcripts