SNL Transcripts: Tony Danza: 04/19/86

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

April 19th, 1986

Tony Danza

Laurie Anderson

Penn & Teller

  • Randy Quaid’s Vietnam Tale

  • Tony Danza’s Monologue

  • AT&T

  • Nancy Reagan’s Personal Trainer

    Recurring Characters: Nancy Reagan.

  • Laurie Anderson performs “Baby Doll”

  • Lyndon LaRouche Theatre

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

    Recurring Characters: Babette.

  • 30-Second Count

  • Penn & Teller

  • Big-Time Professional Golf

  • Unconditional Love

  • Master Thespian

    Recurring Characters: Master Thespian.

  • Laurie Anderson performs “Day The Devil”

  • Biff & Salena

    Recurring Characters: Biff, Selena.

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Tony Danza: 04/19/86: Lyndon LaRouche Theatre

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 11: Episode 15

    85o: Tony Danza / Laurie Anderson

    Lyndon LaRouche Theatre

    Adrian…..Tony Danza
    Queen Elizabeth…..Joan Cusack
    Henry Kissinger…..Al Franken
    Prince Charles…..Jon Lovitz
    Lyndon LaRouche…..Randy Quaid

    FADE IN:



    [ Photos of various LaRouches and LYNDON LAROUCHE himself adorn an oak shelf. Nestled by the photos are two campaign bumper stickers. One reads: MORE NUKES, LESS KOOKS. Another reads: THROW JANE FONDA TO THE WHALES. Lyndon sits in a leather reclined chair, holding a leather bound book. ]

    Lyndon LaRouche: Good evening, I’m Lyndon LaRouche and welcome to “Lyndon LaRouche Theatre”. As you remember from last week – the evil, homosexual Henry Kissinger had conspired with the degenerate drug pusher Queen Elizabeth to traffic in narcotics, to raise foreign exchange currency for the decaying British Empire. The satanic Kissinger, himself a Soviet agent, had in collusion with the sinister David Rockefeller and their accomplice – the self-important George Bush, arranged to lend billions to third world nations at luxurious rates; all part of a treacherous plot to commit genocide on the African subcontinent. A plot hatched in the mind of the most evil man of the 20th century – Walter Mondale. In tonight episode, The Royal Cut, the flaccid, depraved Kissinger is doing the bidding of villainess and equally unattractive Queen Elizabeth…


    [ QUEEN ELIZABETH measures heroin on a scale, packages it, places it in a foam-padded silver briefcase, and shuts it. HENRY KISSINGER watches the Queen standing while his lover ADRIAN has his hands all over him. ]

    Queen Elizabeth: This is the most purest heroin ever! You must thank David Rockefeller for me.

    Henry Kissinger: I will. Here’s the cash from the last run.

    [ Kissinger hands the Queen a briefcase. She opens it. ]

    Henry Kissinger: It’s all there.

    Queen Elizabeth: Yes, we’ve done business together before. I trust you. Your homosexual lover is quite beautiful, Henry.

    Henry Kissinger: Yes. He has a beautifully battered face. Don’t you think?

    [ The Queen extends her hand onto Adrian. ]

    Henry Kissinger: Keep your clammy hands off him! I told you – he’s mine!

    [ The Queen goes around Adrian. ]

    Queen Elizabeth: Whatever do you see in this ugly man?

    Adrian: He’s so e-v-v-il. I find wickedness such a turn-on! Did you know Henry planned to enslave the third world?

    [ Adrian embraces Kissinger. ]

    Queen Elizabeth: Truly it was my idea.

    Henry Kissinger: Well… the three of us… you, me, and Walter Mondale.

    Queen Elizabeth: Enough chit-chat! I want you and Adrian to take this heroin to America and distribute it to our Eastern friends.

    Henry Kissinger: Perhaps you can get someone else to do it.

    Queen Elizabeth: Why Henry!? It’s not like you to get cold feet.

    Henry Kissinger: Well lately, it’s this Lyndon LaRouche guy. He’s making things very hard right now.

    Adrian: Henry wakes up screaming in a sweat. Every night, screaming LaRouche’s name! I have to give him cold alcohol rubs to put him back to sleep.

    [ Adrian massages Kissinger, who moans in joy. ]

    Queen Elizabeth: I can’t believe LaRouche is still a menace. Didn’t we pass on orders to NBC News and the Jesuits to make sure he’d be discredited?

    Henry Kissinger: Yes, but it backfired. LaRouche is more powerful with the common people.

    [ The Queen gags. ]

    Queen Elizabeth: Ugh! The common people…

    Henry Kissinger: Anyway, anyway sweetie… you’re going to have to find someone else to deliver this smack!

    [ Kissinger shoves the silver briefcase into the Queen’s chest. ]

    Queen Elizabeth: But whom?

    [ PRINCE CHARLES opens the door and hops in. ]

    Prince Charles: Hello Mum! Come to say goodbye! Diana and I are off to Palm Beach for the polo!

    [ The Queen, Kissinger, and Adrian smile. ]

    Queen Elizabeth: Charles, be a good lad and take this case to Palm Beach. I’ll have Vice President Bush come there to meet you and pick it up.

    [ The Queen hands the silver briefcase to Charles. ]

    Prince Charles: Alright Mum! What’s in it?

    Queen Elizabeth: A tarantula!

    Prince Charles: Well, I shall be careful then. Cheerio Mum!

    [ Charles exits. ]

    Henry Kissinger: Boy, what a moron. What is it? The inbreeding or what?

    [ Adrian tussles with his collar. ]

    Adrian: I thought he was cute… in a weird sort of way…

    [ Charles re-enters. ]

    Prince Charles: Mother, won’t the tarantula suffocate?

    Queen Elizabeth: No, he’ll be fine! They can live for months without food or water. Just go!

    Prince Charles: Very well then! Bye Mum!

    [ Charles exits. The Queen shuts the door. All three cackle. Kissinger caresses Adrian’s chest, but Adrian turns away as the Queens caresses Adrian’s right cheek. She and Kissinger attempt a three-way kiss. ]


    Lyndon LaRouche: Next week in part three, diabolical Kissinger and miscreant Elizabeth engage KGB agents to assassinate me while continuing to sponsor attacks in the media which attempt to foster one of the most monstrous lies of the 20th century – that I am insane. Thank you and good night.

    [ LaRouche nods down while cradling the book. The camera pans over to the oak shelf. ]



    Submitted by: Cody Downs

    SNL Transcripts

    Unconditional Love

    Unconditional Love

    …..Tony Danza
    …..Joan Cusack

    [ open on interior, bedroom ]

    Wife: I love you so much!

    Husband: I love you!

    Wife: I love you more!

    Husband: I love you more!

    Wife: No, I love you more. You have no idea how much I love you.

    Husband: Oh, yes, I do!

    Wife: No, you don’t. Because I have no idea! How much do you love me?

    Husband: A lot!

    Wife: Just a lot?

    Husband: Well, what do you want me to say?

    Wife: I want you to say you love me more than anything in the world!

    Husband: I love you more than anything in the world!

    Wife: You’re just saying that.

    Husband: Kathy, come on.. I really do love you. I love you, I love you, I love you!

    Wife: More than the Knicks?

    Husband: [ thinking ] Well.. this year! [ laughs ] I love you!

    Wife: Why? Why do you love me?

    Husband: Why? Well, because.. because you’re beautiful.. and because you’re wonderful.. and because you’re terrific.. and because you have a really great.. [ looks at her chest ] uh.. you’re loveable! you’re loveable, that’s all.. [ she remains silent ] What?

    Wife: You don’t love me for me! What if I was fat? Would you love me if I was 300 pounds?

    Husband: Your breasts would be bigger! [ laughs ]

    Wife: Come on!

    Husband: I’m joking! I’m joking here!

    Wife: Would you love me if I was six inches tall, and you had to carry me around in a shoebox?

    Husband: I love you!

    Wife: What if my arm was 40 feet long, and you had to move it around in a truck.

    Husband: Okay.. you talk so big? You talk big? Let me ask you something – would you love me if I was going bald?

    Wife: [ thinking ] I would love you if everything you touched turned bald.

    Husband: [ impressed ] Ooohhhh! I love you, I love you!

    Wife: Would you love me if I refused to ever have sex with you again?

    Husband: In a different way..

    Wife: Would you love me if I hated you?

    Husband: Now, wait a second!

    Wife: Answer the question!

    Husband: Wait a second..

    Wife: God! You have to think about it?

    Husband: No! I love you! I love you!

    Wife: Would you.. love me if I was seeing someone else?

    Husband: [ caught off guard ] What?

    Wife: Would you love me if I was seeing someone on and off for the last eleven weeks, more on than off?

    Husband: Now, now, now.. wait a minute, what’s going on here?!

    Wife: Just answer the question. [ phone rings ] That could be him.

    [ phone rings again ]

    Husband: Answer the phone!

    Wife: Answer my question!

    Husband: [ reaches over the bed, grabs the phone and slams it to the ground ]

    Wife: Why, you crazy.. [ she picks the phone up from the ground ] Hello? Oh, hi, Mrs. Scarpelli. Yeah, he’s right here, hold on a second..

    Husband: [ takes the phone ] Hi, Mom! [ laughs ] No, Mom, everything’s fine, everything’s okay! I just dropped it down by accident! Yeah. Yes, Mom, I love you. Yes. A lot! Oh, come on, Mom..!

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts


    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    May 10th, 1986

    Paul Simon

    Catherine Oxenberg

    Ladysmith Black Mambazo

    Penn & Teller

  • Paul Simon performs “You Can Call Me Al”

  • Catherine Oxenbergs’ Monologue

  • Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier

  • Shackled Prisoners

  • The Late Show with Joan Rivers

    Recurring Characters: Joan Rivers.

  • The Limits of the Imagination

  • Dirk Landers

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • Paul Simon & Ladysmith Black Mambazo sing “Homeless”

  • Penn & Teller

  • The Pathological Liar

    Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

  • Brim Decaffienated

  • A Mothers Day’s Message

  • Trojans

    (Repeat) See: 11/16/85.

  • Paul Simon performs “Graceland”

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Jimmy Breslin & Marvin Hagler: 05/17/86

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    May 17th, 1986

    Jimmy Breslin

    Marvin Hagler

    Level 42

    E.G. Daily

    Sam Kinison

  • Anthony Michael Hall vs. Marvin Hagler

    Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

  • Jimmy Breslin & Marvin Hagler’s Monologue

  • Submarine

    Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.

  • Tornadoville

  • Marvin Hagler’s Tips for the Knocked Out

  • Bond Villains Talk Show

  • Level 42 performs “Something About You”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • Lone Wolf McCord

  • Sam Kinison Stand-Up

  • The Pat Stevens Show

    Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

  • Cabrini Green

    Recurring Characters: Cabrini Green.

  • Flight Attendant Jody Hagler

  • E.G. Daily sings “Say It, Say It”

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Pee Wee Herman: 05/17/86: Level 42 performs “Something About You”

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 11: Episode 17

    85q: Jimmy Breslin & Marvin Hagler / Level 42, E.G. Daily

    Level 42 performs “Something About You”

    …..Jimmy Breslin
    …..Level 42

    JIMMY BRESLIN, still dressed as Auric Goldfinger from the previous sketch but without the blazer or wig, stands on home base.

    Jimmy Breslin: Ladies and gentleman — Level 42!

    [ Breslin points his entire right arm to the musical stage and faces it. The camera slowly pans over to LEVEL 42 (composed of lead vocalist/bassist Mark King, keyboardist Mike Lindup, guitarist Boon Gould, drummer Phil Gould, guest saxophonist Krys Mach and guest vocalist Annie McCaig) begin playing “Something About You”. Breslin stands at home base motionless. Before the camera gets away from any view of home base, a stage hand motions for Breslin to come backstage. Breslin scurries off. King plays the opening bass riff over and over. ]

    Level 42: [singing]“Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh”

    Mark King: [singing]“How
    How can it be?
    That a love
    Carved out of caring
    Fashioned by fate
    Could suffer so hard
    From the games
    Played much too often
    But making mistakes
    Is a part
    Of life’s imperfections
    Born of the years
    Is it so wrong
    To be human after all?”

    Level 42: [singing]“Born into the stream
    Of undefined illusion
    Those diamond rings
    They can’t disguise the truth”

    Mark King/Level 42: [singing]“That there is something about you,
    Baby, so right
    I couldn’t be here without you,
    Baby, tonight”

    Mark King: [singing]
    “If ever our love
    Was concealed
    No one can say
    That we didn’t feel
    A million things
    And a perfect dream of life
    Fragile but free
    We remain
    Tender together
    If not so in love
    It’s not so wrong
    We’re only human after all”

    Level 42: [singing]“These changing years
    They add to your confusion
    Oh and you need to hear
    The time that told the truth”

    Mark King/Level 42: [singing]“Because there’s something about you,
    The way you are so right
    I couldn’t live without you
    (I couldn’t live without you)
    Baby, here tonight”

    Level 42: [singing]“Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh,
    Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh”

    Mark King: [singing]“And that there’s something about you, yea”

    Level 42: [singing]“Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh”

    Mark King: [singing]“And I couldn’t live without you, tonight”

    Level 42: [singing]“Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh”

    [The audience cheers and applauds. Mark King smiles and nods on behalf of the band. Dissolve to Edie Baskin’s portrait of Level 42’s four main members — posing on the main floor at the center of 30 Rockefeller Plaza.]FADE OUT

    Submitted by: Cody Downs

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 11: Episode 18

    This free script provided by]]>

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:


    May 24th, 1986

    Anjelica Huston

    Billy Martin

    George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic


    Lorne Michaels

    Hands Across AmericaSummary: While running a cross-country sprint, one-legged Kevin Brennan (Randy Quaid) hits a roadblock in the form of a chain of Hands Across America participants who won’t let him through.



    Anjelica Huston’s MonologueSummary: Anjelica Huston attempts to tell a joke while, backstage, Billy Martin assures Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) that he’s a changed man.

    Recurring Characters: Mephistopheles.


    The People’s Second Choice AwardsSummary: America’s favorite runner-ups are saluted by emcee Ed McMahon (Randy Quaid).

    Recurring Characters: Ed McMahon.

    Moments of DoubtSummary: While having breakfast together, a husband (Randy Quaid0, his wife (Anjelica Huston), their daughter (Joan Cusack) and the family dog contemplate the idea that they may have wasted their lives.

    Glamourous DrinkingSummary: Lorne Michaels introduces a sketch that was cut from last week’s show because it glamourized drinking.

    National Council of Liquor and SpiritsSummary: (Randy Quaid) offers a rebuttal to the previous sketch.

    Actors on FilmSummary: Jimmy Chance (Robert Downey, Jr.) and Ashley Ashley (Nora Dunn) praise the off-camera acting not seen in “Witness.”

    Recurring Characters: Jimmy Chance, Ashley Ashley.

    Hallmark Organized Crime CardsSummary: Maerose Prizzi (Anjelica Huston) reads from a selection of Hallmark’s Organized Crime greeting card collection.

    George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic perform “Let’s Take it to the Stage”

    Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Al Franken returns to comment on the Al Franken Decade and to urge viewers to see his new movie, “One More Saturday Night.” A. Whitney Brown delivers The Big Picture on the uninformed Class of 1986. Father Guido Sarducci narrates as the Weekend Update Dancers emulate the Statue of Liberty.

    Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

    Lesbian BarSummary:

    Bocce Ball My WaySummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) plugs his how-to video.

    Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

    Tempting BillySummary: Billy Martin objects when Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) hides alcohol in his wardrobe.

    Recurring Characters: Mephistopheles.

    Note: At one point, Jon Lovitz simultaneously performs his Mephistopheles and Tommy Flanagan characters.


    Damon Wayans Stand-UpSummary: Damon Wayons returns to Studio 8-H to perform stand-up about racism in America and one-liners from his childhood insult contests.

    Note: Damon Wayans returns as a guest just two months after being fired from “SNL” for improvising in the “Mr. Monopoly” sketch.

    Note: In the “Live From, New York” book, Damon Wayans incorrectly remembers this performance as taking place on the episode hosted by Dudley Moore four months earlier, and having felt self-concious about doing a clubfoot joke in Moore’s presence.

    Book MinuteSummary: (Danitra Vance) has updated the nursery rhymes of Mother Goose to reflect upon the realism of growing up in the ghetto.

    LaBelles at the MoviesSummary: Patti LaBelle (Terry Sweeney) and her aunt (Danitra Vance) talk loudly to one another in a crowded movie theater.

    My FriendSummary: Tracy (Joan Cusack) tells Dana (Danitra Vance) about her close, personal friend, Colonel Sanders (Billy Martin), then introduces her when he drops by for a visit. The sketch is unfortunately ruined when a drunken Billy Martin slurs his lines, so Lorne Michaels comes out and fires him on live television.


    George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic perform “Do Fries Go With That Shake”

    GoodnightsSummary: After being fired, Billy Martin decides to set the studio on fire and take the show with him. Lorne Michaels hurriedly rescues his star performer, Jon Lovitz, before letting the remainder of the cast perish in the flames. Will other cast members survive? Tune in October 11th to find out!

    Note: Brandon Tartikoff had made up his mind to cancel “SNL” once and for all after this lackluster season, but Lorne Michaels pleaded for – and won – one final chance to revive the show. Nora Dunn and Dennis Miller escaped the fire and returned with Jon Lovitz the following season.


    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86: My Friend

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 25: Episode 18

    85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic

    My Friend

    Tracy…..Joan Cusack
    Dana…..Danitra Vance
    Colonel Sanders…..Billy Martin
    …..Lorne Michaels
    Mephistopheles…..Jon Lovitz

    [ open on Tracy and Dana talking in a kitchen. Dana is seated, as Tracy pours another cup of coffee. ]

    Tracy: The main thing is to give yourself a little slack, Dana. [ she sits at the table ] You can’t expect to solve all of the world’s problems by yourself.

    Dana: I know – you’re right, as usual. But, you know.. boy.. I really am glad I have you to listen to my problems, because I’d be in bad shape if it wasn’t for you.

    Tracy: Oh, come on!

    Dana: No, really! You know, you have such a great outlook on life.

    Tracy: Well, thanks.

    Dana: And, now, what happens when you have a problem? Do you have a friend that you can talk things over with?

    Tracy: A friend? [ sentimental piano music begins to play ] Yes, I suppose you could call him a.. “friend.” In fact, I have to say he’s the best “friend” I’ve ever had.

    Dana: Oh, that’s great! Your friend, uh, does he live here in town?

    Tracy: Yes, in a way, he does live here in town. You might even say he’s been around here longer than you or I have.

    Dana: Ohhh, sounds like an older guy.

    Tracy: Yes, I.. suppose you could say he’s old in years, and I guess some people might even say he’s old-fashioned or behind the times, but.. you know something? Sometimes I find the things he says are just as timely as today’s newspapers.

    Dana: I’d like to meet your friend. Where does he live?

    Tracy: Oh. I bet you’ve walked by his.. “house” many times without even realizing it. In fact, my “friend” has lots of.. “houses” all over the world.

    Dana: [ impressed ] Ohhh, sounds like a rich guy.

    Tracy: Rich? Oh, I suppose he’s rich, in a way. But, in another sense, he has no use for gold or silver —

    Dana: Well. I’d like to meet your friend sometime, to talk to him.

    Tracy: I try to talk to my “friend” at least once a day. And, you know, it makes me feel better. Maybe you’d like to join me today.

    Dana: [ excited ] Oh! Oh, sure, but.. I’d have to change. You know, I’m not really dressed up.

    Tracy: You know, I have a funny feeling my “friend” won’t mind at all! [ a knock is heard at the door ] Huh? He’s here early today!

    [ Tracy stands, as Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame enters through the kitchen door ]

    Dana: Hello there!

    Tracy: Dana, Colonel Sanders – Colonel Sanders, Dana!

    Dana: Hi!

    Colonel Sanders: Hi.

    Dana: Oh, Tracy’s given me a really big build-up about you!

    Colonel Sanders: Well, it’s an honor to meet you, Dana. Oh, what did she say, I’m Superman and Phil Donahue all rolled up in one?

    Tracy: [ rubs Colonel Sanders’ shoulder ] Oh, well, you are, aren’t you?

    Colonel Sanders: Well, well, I’m relaly just a good listener. That’s so rare these days. Uh.. so, Dana, uh – uh – what’s your name? [ Billy Martin breaks character ] Hey, can we do this over? I think I can do it —

    Joan Cusack: [ breaks character ] Billy, Billy! Billy, you’re drunk!

    Billy Martin: I had two beers!

    Danitra Vance: [ breaks character ] Oh, you promised, Billy!

    Tracy: Oh, Billy, how could you do this?! Not to us, but to yourself?!

    Billy Martin: [ defensive ] I just had two beers!!

    Tracy & Dana: Ohhhh!!

    [ Joan and Danitra stomp off the set, as Billy looks dumbfounded behind his Colonel Sanders make-up ] [ Lorne Michaels storms onto the set ]

    Lorne Michaels: Billy, that’s it! You can’t do live television! You’re blowing cues all night – you’re fired! Outta here! [ storms away ]

    Billy Martin: [ waving his arms ] Good! Good!! I don’t want your charity! The hell with ya! [ overturns the kitchen table, then storms off the opposite side of the set ] [ the head of Mephistopheles materializes at the center of the screen, laughing and coughing maniacally ] [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86: Goodnights

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 25: Episode 18

    85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic


    …..Lorne Michaels
    …..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
    …..Anjelica Huston
    …..Billy Martin

    [ open on interior, Cast Dressing Room – cast members putting their things away before the Cast Party after the show ]

    Randy Quaid: [ entering ] Hey, hey, hey, good show, everybody!

    [ the cast applaud themselves and pass high-fives around ]

    Dennis Miller: All over but the Goodnights, huh?

    Nora Dunn: Ah, it’s hard to believe we’re not gonna be back here until next October!

    Robert Downey, Jr.: Wow..

    Danitra Vance: Yeah, it’s really strange!

    Terry Sweeney: Hey, I’m gonna miss all of you this summer..

    [ everyone shares the sentiment ]

    Robert Downey, Jr.: Hey, I don’t know about you guys, but I am pumped for next year!

    Everyone: Yeah!!

    Randy Quaid: Hey, hey – uh, does anybody smell gasoline?

    [ cut to exterior, Cast Dressing Room – Billy Martin dousing the exit door and surrounding walls with gasoline. Lorne Michaels approaches. ]

    Lorne Michaels: Billy! What are you doing?

    Billy Martin: I’m setting the room on fire. That’s what I’m doing!

    Lorne Michaels: [ confused ] What do you mean?

    Billy Martin: What do I mean? Listen, Michaels – if I’m fired, then I’m taking the cast with me!

    Lorne Michaels: Billy, are you crazy? If you set the cast on fire, they won’t be able to do the show next year.

    Billy Martin: That’s right, bigshot! [ lights a match, sparking a fire in the hall, then runs off ]

    Lorne Michaels: [ moderately desperate ] I’ve got to go in there. [ enters Dressing Room, then quickly emerges with a startled Jon Lovitz ]

    Jon Lovitz: What are you doing? I’ve gotta wave goodbye!

    Lorne Michaels: Don’t ask any questions, Jon! Just go downstairs to my limosine and wait for me there. [ Jon obeys and exits ] Writers! Writers!

    [ three yuppie writers come down the hall ]

    Writers: Yes, Mr. Michaels?

    Lorne Michaels: Uh.. there’s some candy and chocolates in the dressing room – go in there and help yourself..

    Writers: Oh, thank you! [ enter the Dressing Room ]

    Lorne Michaels: Great job this year! Help yourself! [ closes the door behind them, then rushes off ] [ cut to Center Stage, Anjelica Huston and Parliament Funk ready for the Goodnights ]

    Anjelica Huston: Is Billy Martin around?

    Billy Martin: [ walks up, covered in smoke stains ] Here I am!

    Anjelica Huston: Oh, Billy. Billy, are you okay?

    Billy Martin: I never felt better!

    Anjelica Huston: Well, me, too! Goodnight, everybody!

    Billy Martin: Goodnight!

    [ cue Closing Music ] [ dissolve to Cast Dressing Room – remaining cast trapped by the smoldering flames ] [ SUPER: “Who Will Survive?” ] [ SUPER: “Who Will Perish?” ] [ SUPER: “Tune in October 11th” ] [ credits roll, reading “Executive Producer: Lorne Michaels? – Producers: Al Franken? Tom Davis?” and so on, until a giant red “?” appears in the middle of the screen ] [ fade out ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86: Hands Across America

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 25: Episode 18

    85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic

    Hands Across America

    Kevin Brennan…..Randy Quaid
    Supporter #1…..Joan Cusack
    Supporter #2…..Billy Martin
    Supporter #3…..Danita Vance
    Leader…..Nora Dunn
    Supporter…..Robert Downey Jr.
    Supporter…..Terry Sweeney

    FADE IN:


    Chorus: [singing]“Hands Across America
    Hands across the land I love
    Divided We Fall
    United We Stand
    Hands Across America”


    Leader: Listen, everybody! Listen!! Please, stop, please!! There are pickpockets working the lines! If you feel your pocket is being picked, do not hold… don’t stop holding hands! Shout for help!! Okay!? THIS IS HANDS ACROSS AMERICA!!!

    [ The crowd cheers. ]

    Supporter #1: So what made you want to do this, huh?

    Supporter #2: When I saw that Chernobyl thing, I said to myself, “This nuclear madness has got to stop!”

    Supporter #1: Well, this is for the homeless…

    Supporter #2: Homeless?

    Supporter #1: Yeah… this is to raise money for the homeless.

    Supporter #2: Those bums!? Oh, well… As long as I’m here, I’ll stay.

    [ KEVIN BRENNAN, a disabled athlete, hobbles in. ]

    Kevin Brennan: Excuse me, could I get in through here, please?

    Supporter #3: I’m sorry…

    Kevin Brennan: Please! I have to get through.

    Supporter #1: We can’t let go. I’m sorry but we can’t let go.

    Kevin Brennan: Don’t you know who I am!? Huh? Huh?

    Supporter #2: No.

    Kevin Brennan: I’m Kevin Brennan — the one-legged runner. Huh? I’m running from Texas to Minnesota to call attention to the dangers of cleats on mall escalators.

    Supporter #3: No, I haven’t. But I’m sorry, we can’t break the chain — this is Hands Across America.

    Kevin Brennan: You mean this goes all the way across the continent!?

    Supporter #2: Yep.

    Kevin Brennan: Why are you doing this!?

    Supporter #1: To raise money for the homeless.

    Kevin Brennan: What? Those bums!? Come on! Let me through!

    Supporter #3: We wish we could, but we can’t!

    Kevin Brennan: So basically, what you’re telling me is – you’re not gonna let me though?

    Supporter #1: Pretty much… Yeah!

    Kevin Brennan: Great!! Well, thanks a lot! I guess I’ll see if I can have any further luck down the line. Oh, but first, there’s something I want to say to you people… Oh, golly… I forgot what I wanted to say… oh, yeah! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

    Submitted by: Cody Downs

    SNL Transcripts