SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 18

85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic


…..Lorne Michaels
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
…..Anjelica Huston
…..Billy Martin

[ open on interior, Cast Dressing Room – cast members putting their things away before the Cast Party after the show ]

Randy Quaid: [ entering ] Hey, hey, hey, good show, everybody!

[ the cast applaud themselves and pass high-fives around ]

Dennis Miller: All over but the Goodnights, huh?

Nora Dunn: Ah, it’s hard to believe we’re not gonna be back here until next October!

Robert Downey, Jr.: Wow..

Danitra Vance: Yeah, it’s really strange!

Terry Sweeney: Hey, I’m gonna miss all of you this summer..

[ everyone shares the sentiment ]

Robert Downey, Jr.: Hey, I don’t know about you guys, but I am pumped for next year!

Everyone: Yeah!!

Randy Quaid: Hey, hey – uh, does anybody smell gasoline?

[ cut to exterior, Cast Dressing Room – Billy Martin dousing the exit door and surrounding walls with gasoline. Lorne Michaels approaches. ]

Lorne Michaels: Billy! What are you doing?

Billy Martin: I’m setting the room on fire. That’s what I’m doing!

Lorne Michaels: [ confused ] What do you mean?

Billy Martin: What do I mean? Listen, Michaels – if I’m fired, then I’m taking the cast with me!

Lorne Michaels: Billy, are you crazy? If you set the cast on fire, they won’t be able to do the show next year.

Billy Martin: That’s right, bigshot! [ lights a match, sparking a fire in the hall, then runs off ]

Lorne Michaels: [ moderately desperate ] I’ve got to go in there. [ enters Dressing Room, then quickly emerges with a startled Jon Lovitz ]

Jon Lovitz: What are you doing? I’ve gotta wave goodbye!

Lorne Michaels: Don’t ask any questions, Jon! Just go downstairs to my limosine and wait for me there. [ Jon obeys and exits ] Writers! Writers!

[ three yuppie writers come down the hall ]

Writers: Yes, Mr. Michaels?

Lorne Michaels: Uh.. there’s some candy and chocolates in the dressing room – go in there and help yourself..

Writers: Oh, thank you! [ enter the Dressing Room ]

Lorne Michaels: Great job this year! Help yourself! [ closes the door behind them, then rushes off ] [ cut to Center Stage, Anjelica Huston and Parliament Funk ready for the Goodnights ]

Anjelica Huston: Is Billy Martin around?

Billy Martin: [ walks up, covered in smoke stains ] Here I am!

Anjelica Huston: Oh, Billy. Billy, are you okay?

Billy Martin: I never felt better!

Anjelica Huston: Well, me, too! Goodnight, everybody!

Billy Martin: Goodnight!

[ cue Closing Music ] [ dissolve to Cast Dressing Room – remaining cast trapped by the smoldering flames ] [ SUPER: “Who Will Survive?” ] [ SUPER: “Who Will Perish?” ] [ SUPER: “Tune in October 11th” ] [ credits roll, reading “Executive Producer: Lorne Michaels? – Producers: Al Franken? Tom Davis?” and so on, until a giant red “?” appears in the middle of the screen ] [ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86: Hands Across America

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 18

85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic

Hands Across America

Kevin Brennan…..Randy Quaid
Supporter #1…..Joan Cusack
Supporter #2…..Billy Martin
Supporter #3…..Danita Vance
Leader…..Nora Dunn
Supporter…..Robert Downey Jr.
Supporter…..Terry Sweeney



Chorus: [singing]“Hands Across America
Hands across the land I love
Divided We Fall
United We Stand
Hands Across America”


Leader: Listen, everybody! Listen!! Please, stop, please!! There are pickpockets working the lines! If you feel your pocket is being picked, do not hold… don’t stop holding hands! Shout for help!! Okay!? THIS IS HANDS ACROSS AMERICA!!!

[ The crowd cheers. ]

Supporter #1: So what made you want to do this, huh?

Supporter #2: When I saw that Chernobyl thing, I said to myself, “This nuclear madness has got to stop!”

Supporter #1: Well, this is for the homeless…

Supporter #2: Homeless?

Supporter #1: Yeah… this is to raise money for the homeless.

Supporter #2: Those bums!? Oh, well… As long as I’m here, I’ll stay.

[ KEVIN BRENNAN, a disabled athlete, hobbles in. ]

Kevin Brennan: Excuse me, could I get in through here, please?

Supporter #3: I’m sorry…

Kevin Brennan: Please! I have to get through.

Supporter #1: We can’t let go. I’m sorry but we can’t let go.

Kevin Brennan: Don’t you know who I am!? Huh? Huh?

Supporter #2: No.

Kevin Brennan: I’m Kevin Brennan — the one-legged runner. Huh? I’m running from Texas to Minnesota to call attention to the dangers of cleats on mall escalators.

Supporter #3: No, I haven’t. But I’m sorry, we can’t break the chain — this is Hands Across America.

Kevin Brennan: You mean this goes all the way across the continent!?

Supporter #2: Yep.

Kevin Brennan: Why are you doing this!?

Supporter #1: To raise money for the homeless.

Kevin Brennan: What? Those bums!? Come on! Let me through!

Supporter #3: We wish we could, but we can’t!

Kevin Brennan: So basically, what you’re telling me is – you’re not gonna let me though?

Supporter #1: Pretty much… Yeah!

Kevin Brennan: Great!! Well, thanks a lot! I guess I’ll see if I can have any further luck down the line. Oh, but first, there’s something I want to say to you people… Oh, golly… I forgot what I wanted to say… oh, yeah! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts