Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love

…..Tony Danza
…..Joan Cusack

[ open on interior, bedroom ]

Wife: I love you so much!

Husband: I love you!

Wife: I love you more!

Husband: I love you more!

Wife: No, I love you more. You have no idea how much I love you.

Husband: Oh, yes, I do!

Wife: No, you don’t. Because I have no idea! How much do you love me?

Husband: A lot!

Wife: Just a lot?

Husband: Well, what do you want me to say?

Wife: I want you to say you love me more than anything in the world!

Husband: I love you more than anything in the world!

Wife: You’re just saying that.

Husband: Kathy, come on.. I really do love you. I love you, I love you, I love you!

Wife: More than the Knicks?

Husband: [ thinking ] Well.. this year! [ laughs ] I love you!

Wife: Why? Why do you love me?

Husband: Why? Well, because.. because you’re beautiful.. and because you’re wonderful.. and because you’re terrific.. and because you have a really great.. [ looks at her chest ] uh.. you’re loveable! you’re loveable, that’s all.. [ she remains silent ] What?

Wife: You don’t love me for me! What if I was fat? Would you love me if I was 300 pounds?

Husband: Your breasts would be bigger! [ laughs ]

Wife: Come on!

Husband: I’m joking! I’m joking here!

Wife: Would you love me if I was six inches tall, and you had to carry me around in a shoebox?

Husband: I love you!

Wife: What if my arm was 40 feet long, and you had to move it around in a truck.

Husband: Okay.. you talk so big? You talk big? Let me ask you something – would you love me if I was going bald?

Wife: [ thinking ] I would love you if everything you touched turned bald.

Husband: [ impressed ] Ooohhhh! I love you, I love you!

Wife: Would you love me if I refused to ever have sex with you again?

Husband: In a different way..

Wife: Would you love me if I hated you?

Husband: Now, wait a second!

Wife: Answer the question!

Husband: Wait a second..

Wife: God! You have to think about it?

Husband: No! I love you! I love you!

Wife: Would you.. love me if I was seeing someone else?

Husband: [ caught off guard ] What?

Wife: Would you love me if I was seeing someone on and off for the last eleven weeks, more on than off?

Husband: Now, now, now.. wait a minute, what’s going on here?!

Wife: Just answer the question. [ phone rings ] That could be him.

[ phone rings again ]

Husband: Answer the phone!

Wife: Answer my question!

Husband: [ reaches over the bed, grabs the phone and slams it to the ground ]

Wife: Why, you crazy.. [ she picks the phone up from the ground ] Hello? Oh, hi, Mrs. Scarpelli. Yeah, he’s right here, hold on a second..

Husband: [ takes the phone ] Hi, Mom! [ laughs ] No, Mom, everything’s fine, everything’s okay! I just dropped it down by accident! Yeah. Yes, Mom, I love you. Yes. A lot! Oh, come on, Mom..!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts


Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

May 10th, 1986

Paul Simon

Catherine Oxenberg

Ladysmith Black Mambazo

Penn & Teller

  • Paul Simon performs “You Can Call Me Al”

  • Catherine Oxenbergs’ Monologue

  • Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier

  • Shackled Prisoners

  • The Late Show with Joan Rivers

    Recurring Characters: Joan Rivers.

  • The Limits of the Imagination

  • Dirk Landers

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • Paul Simon & Ladysmith Black Mambazo sing “Homeless”

  • Penn & Teller

  • The Pathological Liar

    Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

  • Brim Decaffienated

  • A Mothers Day’s Message

  • Trojans

    (Repeat) See: 11/16/85.

  • Paul Simon performs “Graceland”

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Jimmy Breslin & Marvin Hagler: 05/17/86

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    May 17th, 1986

    Jimmy Breslin

    Marvin Hagler

    Level 42

    E.G. Daily

    Sam Kinison

  • Anthony Michael Hall vs. Marvin Hagler

    Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

  • Jimmy Breslin & Marvin Hagler’s Monologue

  • Submarine

    Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.

  • Tornadoville

  • Marvin Hagler’s Tips for the Knocked Out

  • Bond Villains Talk Show

  • Level 42 performs “Something About You”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • Lone Wolf McCord

  • Sam Kinison Stand-Up

  • The Pat Stevens Show

    Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

  • Cabrini Green

    Recurring Characters: Cabrini Green.

  • Flight Attendant Jody Hagler

  • E.G. Daily sings “Say It, Say It”

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Pee Wee Herman: 05/17/86: Level 42 performs “Something About You”

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 11: Episode 17

    85q: Jimmy Breslin & Marvin Hagler / Level 42, E.G. Daily

    Level 42 performs “Something About You”

    …..Jimmy Breslin
    …..Level 42

    JIMMY BRESLIN, still dressed as Auric Goldfinger from the previous sketch but without the blazer or wig, stands on home base.

    Jimmy Breslin: Ladies and gentleman — Level 42!

    [ Breslin points his entire right arm to the musical stage and faces it. The camera slowly pans over to LEVEL 42 (composed of lead vocalist/bassist Mark King, keyboardist Mike Lindup, guitarist Boon Gould, drummer Phil Gould, guest saxophonist Krys Mach and guest vocalist Annie McCaig) begin playing “Something About You”. Breslin stands at home base motionless. Before the camera gets away from any view of home base, a stage hand motions for Breslin to come backstage. Breslin scurries off. King plays the opening bass riff over and over. ]

    Level 42: [singing]“Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh”

    Mark King: [singing]“How
    How can it be?
    That a love
    Carved out of caring
    Fashioned by fate
    Could suffer so hard
    From the games
    Played much too often
    But making mistakes
    Is a part
    Of life’s imperfections
    Born of the years
    Is it so wrong
    To be human after all?”

    Level 42: [singing]“Born into the stream
    Of undefined illusion
    Those diamond rings
    They can’t disguise the truth”

    Mark King/Level 42: [singing]“That there is something about you,
    Baby, so right
    I couldn’t be here without you,
    Baby, tonight”

    Mark King: [singing]
    “If ever our love
    Was concealed
    No one can say
    That we didn’t feel
    A million things
    And a perfect dream of life
    Fragile but free
    We remain
    Tender together
    If not so in love
    It’s not so wrong
    We’re only human after all”

    Level 42: [singing]“These changing years
    They add to your confusion
    Oh and you need to hear
    The time that told the truth”

    Mark King/Level 42: [singing]“Because there’s something about you,
    The way you are so right
    I couldn’t live without you
    (I couldn’t live without you)
    Baby, here tonight”

    Level 42: [singing]“Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh,
    Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh”

    Mark King: [singing]“And that there’s something about you, yea”

    Level 42: [singing]“Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh”

    Mark King: [singing]“And I couldn’t live without you, tonight”

    Level 42: [singing]“Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh”

    [The audience cheers and applauds. Mark King smiles and nods on behalf of the band. Dissolve to Edie Baskin’s portrait of Level 42’s four main members — posing on the main floor at the center of 30 Rockefeller Plaza.]FADE OUT

    Submitted by: Cody Downs

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 11: Episode 18

    This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:


    May 24th, 1986

    Anjelica Huston

    Billy Martin

    George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic


    Lorne Michaels

    Hands Across AmericaSummary: While running a cross-country sprint, one-legged Kevin Brennan (Randy Quaid) hits a roadblock in the form of a chain of Hands Across America participants who won’t let him through.



    Anjelica Huston’s MonologueSummary: Anjelica Huston attempts to tell a joke while, backstage, Billy Martin assures Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) that he’s a changed man.

    Recurring Characters: Mephistopheles.


    The People’s Second Choice AwardsSummary: America’s favorite runner-ups are saluted by emcee Ed McMahon (Randy Quaid).

    Recurring Characters: Ed McMahon.

    Moments of DoubtSummary: While having breakfast together, a husband (Randy Quaid0, his wife (Anjelica Huston), their daughter (Joan Cusack) and the family dog contemplate the idea that they may have wasted their lives.

    Glamourous DrinkingSummary: Lorne Michaels introduces a sketch that was cut from last week’s show because it glamourized drinking.

    National Council of Liquor and SpiritsSummary: (Randy Quaid) offers a rebuttal to the previous sketch.

    Actors on FilmSummary: Jimmy Chance (Robert Downey, Jr.) and Ashley Ashley (Nora Dunn) praise the off-camera acting not seen in “Witness.”

    Recurring Characters: Jimmy Chance, Ashley Ashley.

    Hallmark Organized Crime CardsSummary: Maerose Prizzi (Anjelica Huston) reads from a selection of Hallmark’s Organized Crime greeting card collection.

    George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic perform “Let’s Take it to the Stage”

    Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Al Franken returns to comment on the Al Franken Decade and to urge viewers to see his new movie, “One More Saturday Night.” A. Whitney Brown delivers The Big Picture on the uninformed Class of 1986. Father Guido Sarducci narrates as the Weekend Update Dancers emulate the Statue of Liberty.

    Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

    Lesbian BarSummary:

    Bocce Ball My WaySummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) plugs his how-to video.

    Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

    Tempting BillySummary: Billy Martin objects when Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) hides alcohol in his wardrobe.

    Recurring Characters: Mephistopheles.

    Note: At one point, Jon Lovitz simultaneously performs his Mephistopheles and Tommy Flanagan characters.


    Damon Wayans Stand-UpSummary: Damon Wayons returns to Studio 8-H to perform stand-up about racism in America and one-liners from his childhood insult contests.

    Note: Damon Wayans returns as a guest just two months after being fired from “SNL” for improvising in the “Mr. Monopoly” sketch.

    Note: In the “Live From, New York” book, Damon Wayans incorrectly remembers this performance as taking place on the episode hosted by Dudley Moore four months earlier, and having felt self-concious about doing a clubfoot joke in Moore’s presence.

    Book MinuteSummary: (Danitra Vance) has updated the nursery rhymes of Mother Goose to reflect upon the realism of growing up in the ghetto.

    LaBelles at the MoviesSummary: Patti LaBelle (Terry Sweeney) and her aunt (Danitra Vance) talk loudly to one another in a crowded movie theater.

    My FriendSummary: Tracy (Joan Cusack) tells Dana (Danitra Vance) about her close, personal friend, Colonel Sanders (Billy Martin), then introduces her when he drops by for a visit. The sketch is unfortunately ruined when a drunken Billy Martin slurs his lines, so Lorne Michaels comes out and fires him on live television.


    George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic perform “Do Fries Go With That Shake”

    GoodnightsSummary: After being fired, Billy Martin decides to set the studio on fire and take the show with him. Lorne Michaels hurriedly rescues his star performer, Jon Lovitz, before letting the remainder of the cast perish in the flames. Will other cast members survive? Tune in October 11th to find out!

    Note: Brandon Tartikoff had made up his mind to cancel “SNL” once and for all after this lackluster season, but Lorne Michaels pleaded for – and won – one final chance to revive the show. Nora Dunn and Dennis Miller escaped the fire and returned with Jon Lovitz the following season.


    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86: My Friend

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 25: Episode 18

    85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic

    My Friend

    Tracy…..Joan Cusack
    Dana…..Danitra Vance
    Colonel Sanders…..Billy Martin
    …..Lorne Michaels
    Mephistopheles…..Jon Lovitz

    [ open on Tracy and Dana talking in a kitchen. Dana is seated, as Tracy pours another cup of coffee. ]

    Tracy: The main thing is to give yourself a little slack, Dana. [ she sits at the table ] You can’t expect to solve all of the world’s problems by yourself.

    Dana: I know – you’re right, as usual. But, you know.. boy.. I really am glad I have you to listen to my problems, because I’d be in bad shape if it wasn’t for you.

    Tracy: Oh, come on!

    Dana: No, really! You know, you have such a great outlook on life.

    Tracy: Well, thanks.

    Dana: And, now, what happens when you have a problem? Do you have a friend that you can talk things over with?

    Tracy: A friend? [ sentimental piano music begins to play ] Yes, I suppose you could call him a.. “friend.” In fact, I have to say he’s the best “friend” I’ve ever had.

    Dana: Oh, that’s great! Your friend, uh, does he live here in town?

    Tracy: Yes, in a way, he does live here in town. You might even say he’s been around here longer than you or I have.

    Dana: Ohhh, sounds like an older guy.

    Tracy: Yes, I.. suppose you could say he’s old in years, and I guess some people might even say he’s old-fashioned or behind the times, but.. you know something? Sometimes I find the things he says are just as timely as today’s newspapers.

    Dana: I’d like to meet your friend. Where does he live?

    Tracy: Oh. I bet you’ve walked by his.. “house” many times without even realizing it. In fact, my “friend” has lots of.. “houses” all over the world.

    Dana: [ impressed ] Ohhh, sounds like a rich guy.

    Tracy: Rich? Oh, I suppose he’s rich, in a way. But, in another sense, he has no use for gold or silver —

    Dana: Well. I’d like to meet your friend sometime, to talk to him.

    Tracy: I try to talk to my “friend” at least once a day. And, you know, it makes me feel better. Maybe you’d like to join me today.

    Dana: [ excited ] Oh! Oh, sure, but.. I’d have to change. You know, I’m not really dressed up.

    Tracy: You know, I have a funny feeling my “friend” won’t mind at all! [ a knock is heard at the door ] Huh? He’s here early today!

    [ Tracy stands, as Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame enters through the kitchen door ]

    Dana: Hello there!

    Tracy: Dana, Colonel Sanders – Colonel Sanders, Dana!

    Dana: Hi!

    Colonel Sanders: Hi.

    Dana: Oh, Tracy’s given me a really big build-up about you!

    Colonel Sanders: Well, it’s an honor to meet you, Dana. Oh, what did she say, I’m Superman and Phil Donahue all rolled up in one?

    Tracy: [ rubs Colonel Sanders’ shoulder ] Oh, well, you are, aren’t you?

    Colonel Sanders: Well, well, I’m relaly just a good listener. That’s so rare these days. Uh.. so, Dana, uh – uh – what’s your name? [ Billy Martin breaks character ] Hey, can we do this over? I think I can do it —

    Joan Cusack: [ breaks character ] Billy, Billy! Billy, you’re drunk!

    Billy Martin: I had two beers!

    Danitra Vance: [ breaks character ] Oh, you promised, Billy!

    Tracy: Oh, Billy, how could you do this?! Not to us, but to yourself?!

    Billy Martin: [ defensive ] I just had two beers!!

    Tracy & Dana: Ohhhh!!

    [ Joan and Danitra stomp off the set, as Billy looks dumbfounded behind his Colonel Sanders make-up ] [ Lorne Michaels storms onto the set ]

    Lorne Michaels: Billy, that’s it! You can’t do live television! You’re blowing cues all night – you’re fired! Outta here! [ storms away ]

    Billy Martin: [ waving his arms ] Good! Good!! I don’t want your charity! The hell with ya! [ overturns the kitchen table, then storms off the opposite side of the set ] [ the head of Mephistopheles materializes at the center of the screen, laughing and coughing maniacally ] [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86: Goodnights

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 25: Episode 18

    85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic


    …..Lorne Michaels
    …..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
    …..Anjelica Huston
    …..Billy Martin

    [ open on interior, Cast Dressing Room – cast members putting their things away before the Cast Party after the show ]

    Randy Quaid: [ entering ] Hey, hey, hey, good show, everybody!

    [ the cast applaud themselves and pass high-fives around ]

    Dennis Miller: All over but the Goodnights, huh?

    Nora Dunn: Ah, it’s hard to believe we’re not gonna be back here until next October!

    Robert Downey, Jr.: Wow..

    Danitra Vance: Yeah, it’s really strange!

    Terry Sweeney: Hey, I’m gonna miss all of you this summer..

    [ everyone shares the sentiment ]

    Robert Downey, Jr.: Hey, I don’t know about you guys, but I am pumped for next year!

    Everyone: Yeah!!

    Randy Quaid: Hey, hey – uh, does anybody smell gasoline?

    [ cut to exterior, Cast Dressing Room – Billy Martin dousing the exit door and surrounding walls with gasoline. Lorne Michaels approaches. ]

    Lorne Michaels: Billy! What are you doing?

    Billy Martin: I’m setting the room on fire. That’s what I’m doing!

    Lorne Michaels: [ confused ] What do you mean?

    Billy Martin: What do I mean? Listen, Michaels – if I’m fired, then I’m taking the cast with me!

    Lorne Michaels: Billy, are you crazy? If you set the cast on fire, they won’t be able to do the show next year.

    Billy Martin: That’s right, bigshot! [ lights a match, sparking a fire in the hall, then runs off ]

    Lorne Michaels: [ moderately desperate ] I’ve got to go in there. [ enters Dressing Room, then quickly emerges with a startled Jon Lovitz ]

    Jon Lovitz: What are you doing? I’ve gotta wave goodbye!

    Lorne Michaels: Don’t ask any questions, Jon! Just go downstairs to my limosine and wait for me there. [ Jon obeys and exits ] Writers! Writers!

    [ three yuppie writers come down the hall ]

    Writers: Yes, Mr. Michaels?

    Lorne Michaels: Uh.. there’s some candy and chocolates in the dressing room – go in there and help yourself..

    Writers: Oh, thank you! [ enter the Dressing Room ]

    Lorne Michaels: Great job this year! Help yourself! [ closes the door behind them, then rushes off ] [ cut to Center Stage, Anjelica Huston and Parliament Funk ready for the Goodnights ]

    Anjelica Huston: Is Billy Martin around?

    Billy Martin: [ walks up, covered in smoke stains ] Here I am!

    Anjelica Huston: Oh, Billy. Billy, are you okay?

    Billy Martin: I never felt better!

    Anjelica Huston: Well, me, too! Goodnight, everybody!

    Billy Martin: Goodnight!

    [ cue Closing Music ] [ dissolve to Cast Dressing Room – remaining cast trapped by the smoldering flames ] [ SUPER: “Who Will Survive?” ] [ SUPER: “Who Will Perish?” ] [ SUPER: “Tune in October 11th” ] [ credits roll, reading “Executive Producer: Lorne Michaels? – Producers: Al Franken? Tom Davis?” and so on, until a giant red “?” appears in the middle of the screen ] [ fade out ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86: Hands Across America

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 25: Episode 18

    85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic

    Hands Across America

    Kevin Brennan…..Randy Quaid
    Supporter #1…..Joan Cusack
    Supporter #2…..Billy Martin
    Supporter #3…..Danita Vance
    Leader…..Nora Dunn
    Supporter…..Robert Downey Jr.
    Supporter…..Terry Sweeney

    FADE IN:


    Chorus: [singing]“Hands Across America
    Hands across the land I love
    Divided We Fall
    United We Stand
    Hands Across America”


    Leader: Listen, everybody! Listen!! Please, stop, please!! There are pickpockets working the lines! If you feel your pocket is being picked, do not hold… don’t stop holding hands! Shout for help!! Okay!? THIS IS HANDS ACROSS AMERICA!!!

    [ The crowd cheers. ]

    Supporter #1: So what made you want to do this, huh?

    Supporter #2: When I saw that Chernobyl thing, I said to myself, “This nuclear madness has got to stop!”

    Supporter #1: Well, this is for the homeless…

    Supporter #2: Homeless?

    Supporter #1: Yeah… this is to raise money for the homeless.

    Supporter #2: Those bums!? Oh, well… As long as I’m here, I’ll stay.

    [ KEVIN BRENNAN, a disabled athlete, hobbles in. ]

    Kevin Brennan: Excuse me, could I get in through here, please?

    Supporter #3: I’m sorry…

    Kevin Brennan: Please! I have to get through.

    Supporter #1: We can’t let go. I’m sorry but we can’t let go.

    Kevin Brennan: Don’t you know who I am!? Huh? Huh?

    Supporter #2: No.

    Kevin Brennan: I’m Kevin Brennan — the one-legged runner. Huh? I’m running from Texas to Minnesota to call attention to the dangers of cleats on mall escalators.

    Supporter #3: No, I haven’t. But I’m sorry, we can’t break the chain — this is Hands Across America.

    Kevin Brennan: You mean this goes all the way across the continent!?

    Supporter #2: Yep.

    Kevin Brennan: Why are you doing this!?

    Supporter #1: To raise money for the homeless.

    Kevin Brennan: What? Those bums!? Come on! Let me through!

    Supporter #3: We wish we could, but we can’t!

    Kevin Brennan: So basically, what you’re telling me is – you’re not gonna let me though?

    Supporter #1: Pretty much… Yeah!

    Kevin Brennan: Great!! Well, thanks a lot! I guess I’ll see if I can have any further luck down the line. Oh, but first, there’s something I want to say to you people… Oh, golly… I forgot what I wanted to say… oh, yeah! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

    Submitted by: Cody Downs

    SNL Transcripts

    That Black Girl

    That Black Girl

    Latoya Marie…..Danitra Vance
    …..Francis Ford Coppola
    …..Terry Sweeney

    [ “That Black Girl” opening montage ] [ open on That Black Girl, LaToya Marie, sitting on the couch in her posh apartment ]

    LaToya Marie: Listen! [ giggles ] I just want you to be the first to know that.. um.. guess who’s gonna be the new Sparkledent girl! No, not the girl in the red! Me! LaToya Marie! Yeah! [ giggles ] Okay! I love you, too! Don’t forget to tell Mom! That I’m the new Sparkledent girl! God! [ giggles ] Bye! [ hangs up phone, as doorbell rings ] Who could that be? I’m not expecting anyone! [ bounces toward the door and opens it, grabbing an anonymous bouquet of flowers left for her ] Flowers! For moi? It must be from Donald, I can’t imagine who would stand them by the door..!

    [ Francis Ford Coppola and Terry Sweeney enter the scene to interrupt ]

    Francis Ford Coppola: Could you hold it for a second?

    Terry Sweeney: Hold everything!!

    Francis Ford Coppola: There’s something wrong.. wait a second.. I want set design in here, please?

    Terry Sweeney: Set Design!!

    Set Design: [ enters ] Is there a problem here?

    Francis Ford Coppola: Yeah.. I want more squallor. I want more squallor. Run it down, I want more grit..

    Terry Sweeney: It doesn’t look like anything!

    Francis Ford Coppola: I don’t want to change anything, but everything’s wrong! It looks like moving reality, it doesn’t look like real reality. I want grit!

    [ Set Design reassembles the set, as Francis pulls Danitra Vance in front of the set ]

    Uh.. I want more, more.. I would like you to look at, into the, uh.. you’re not really like a black girl to me. You know? I don’t believe that you’re a real black woman. The scene doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the black experience, don’t you agree?

    Danitra Vance: Uh.. I guess so..

    Francis Ford Coppola: Can I see the writers?

    Terry Sweeney: Writers, get in here!!

    [ a trio of white, preppy, pipe-smoking writers enter ]

    Francis Ford Coppola: Why aren’t there any black women writers on this show? I mean, do any of you really know the subject of this scene, you know, what it is to be black? To feel black? Well, the scene isn’t right. Come on, I’ll habdle this.

    Terry Sweeney: [ to the writers ] Why do you write so poorly? Just a question.

    [ the writers exit ]

    Francis Ford Coppola: Danitra.. I want an unemployed, shunned, segregated, undereducated, maddened, oppressed black woman. Let the comedy come out of that! I don’t want That Black Girl, I want That Black Girl, okay? You can do it! Give it in! Go ahead!

    Danitra Vance: I’ll try!

    Francis Ford Coppola: Okay.

    [ the scene starts again, the posh apartment having been rearranged into a ghetto slum. LaToya Marie sits on an old mattress as her phone rings. ]

    LaToya Marie: [ picks up phone ] Thank you. [ hangs up, throws the phone across the room ] Ohh.. they want me to be the new Sparkledent girl. My big break. Big deal! They don’t know me. They don’t know the real me. This isn’t me! [ pulls off her wig ] I turn myself inside out to please them! But I’ve pleased them.. and I’ve lost me! I’ll finally be out of poverty, but I’m already out of.. integrity! I am somebody! I am somebody else! Smile, honey..

    [ dissolve to ending “That Black Girl” montage ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86: Anjelica Huston’s Monologue

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 25: Episode 18

    85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic

    Anjelica Huston’s Monologue

    …..Anjelica Huston
    …..Anthony Michael Hall
    Mephistopheles…..Jon Lovitz
    …..Billy Martin

    Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Anjelica Huston!

    Anjelica Huston: Thank you! Thank you, this is really a thrill for me, hosting the show. It’s my first time on live television, except, of course, at the Oscars. [ the audience applauds ] I have to say “Thank you.” – you saw it. Of course, I was tremendously honored, and belated, and everything else – uh, until the next morning when someone reminded me of the curse of the Oscars. Now, at first I thought that’s realy stupid. How could there be a curse on winning an Academy Award? Then, tonight, it hit me: I’m hosting “Saturday Night.” Anyway, I’ve never done this, I’ve never stood on a stage and actually told jokes. But I’m going to try. so here goes:

    Imelda Marcos and Bob Geldof are on a raft. And their supplies are running out. Then they see a dock, so they paddle furiously —

    [ cut to backstage, where Huston can be seen on a monitor delivering her monologue as Anthony Michael Hall walks down the corridor ]

    Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, she’s funny. [ stops when he ses Billy Martin dressing in front of a locker ] Angelica’s doing great, huh? She’s really beautiful.

    Billy Martin: She is.

    Anthony Michael Hall: Is she the host tonight, Billy? Because I thought you were.

    Billy Martin: We kinda both are – I guess.

    Anthony Michael Hall: I think it’s great that you’re here, you know, and that, uh, Lorne and the show is taking such a big risk on you.

    Billy Martin: Oh, thanks.

    Anthony Michael Hall: Yeah. Oh, I hate to ask you this, Billy, but could you do me a favor, man? [ pulls a baseball out of his inside jacket pocket ] Could you autograph this ball?

    Billy Martin: Oh sure, I’d be glad to. Hey, this is an old one, isn’t it?

    Anthony Michael Hall: Yeah, it’s the third home run ball that Reggie hit in the ’77 World Series. You remember that?

    Billy Martin: Yeah. Did you catch this ball?

    Anthony Michael Hall: No, no. Actually, my businessman bought the ball. My business manager – excuse me, Billy. At an auction. so, uh – yeah, it’s kind of an investment thing.

    Billy Martin: Oh, I see. [ signs the ball ] [ fake audience laughter can be heard from the inside studio ]

    Anthony Michael Hall: So, you managing a team now, Billy?

    Billy Martin: No, not at this moment.

    Anthony Michael Hall: Why? Because nobody wants you, and they feel you can’t hold down a job?

    Billy Martin: You know, it’s a good thing I’ve changed. The old self-destructive Billy Martin would have punched a guy out for saying something like that.

    Anthony Michael Hall: Sorry, Billy.

    Billy Martin: Aw, it’s okay. I have a new attitude these days. I had some time to reflect on things, get a new outlook, met a wonderful woman —

    Anthony Michael Hall: Alright!

    Billy Martin: I’ll tell you – my whole life’s in upswing now. I’ve wrassled with my demons, and I’ve won.

    Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, that’s great! I’m really glad to hear that, Billy. I need that ball back, and that pen. [ Billy returns the items ] Thanks for the autograph, Billy, I gotta run! [ exits corridor ]

    Billy Martin: You’re welcome. You’re welcome.

    [ suddenly, Mephistopheles materializes behind Billy ]

    Billy Martin: You again?

    Mephistopheles: Yes, Billy. Nice to see you. [ notices the laughter coming from the studio ] Well, you’ve sunk to a new low, hosting a comedy show.

    Billy Martin: Hey, I’m having a good time out here. They’re really nice to me.

    Mephistopheles: You’d better face facts, Billy – they only invited you here to humiliate you. They just want to see how far they can push you before you explode.

    Billy Martin: That’s not true. The producer here likes me. You know, Lorne Michaels knows that a man can change.

    Mephistopheles: [ laughs maniacally ]

    Billy Martin: Get out of here!

    Mephistopheles: [ laughs, coughs, dematerializes ] [ audience applause can be heard from the inside studio, as Huston enters the corridor and stops next to Billy ]

    Billy Martin: You look like you went over big out there!

    Anjelica Huston: Well, God, I was so nervous at first, but then it was like the audience reached out and embraced me. I’ve never felt such warmth and affection and.. approval. I was just basking in it!

    Billy Martin: Well, good for you.

    Anjelica Huston: Well, I hope you weren’t offended by that joke I did – I mean, you know, about how you can’t hold down a job?

    Billy Martin: Oh, I know that, I —

    Anjelica Huston: It wasn’t anything personal.

    Billy Martin: Oh, I know. I know. Yeah.

    Anjelica Huston: Well, I just can’t tell you what a charge– that is. Live TV!

    Billy Martin: Yeah! And you’re gonna see a new Billy Martin tonight.

    SNL Transcripts