Unconditional Love


Unconditional Love

…..Tony Danza
…..Joan Cusack


[ open on interior, bedroom ]

Wife: I love you so much!

Husband: I love you!

Wife: I love you more!

Husband: I love you more!

Wife: No, I love you more. You have no idea how much I love you.

Husband: Oh, yes, I do!

Wife: No, you don’t. Because I have no idea! How much do you love me?

Husband: A lot!

Wife: Just a lot?

Husband: Well, what do you want me to say?

Wife: I want you to say you love me more than anything in the world!

Husband: I love you more than anything in the world!

Wife: You’re just saying that.

Husband: Kathy, come on.. I really do love you. I love you, I love you, I love you!

Wife: More than the Knicks?

Husband: [ thinking ] Well.. this year! [ laughs ] I love you!

Wife: Why? Why do you love me?

Husband: Why? Well, because.. because you’re beautiful.. and because you’re wonderful.. and because you’re terrific.. and because you have a really great.. [ looks at her chest ] uh.. you’re loveable! you’re loveable, that’s all.. [ she remains silent ] What?

Wife: You don’t love me for me! What if I was fat? Would you love me if I was 300 pounds?

Husband: Your breasts would be bigger! [ laughs ]

Wife: Come on!

Husband: I’m joking! I’m joking here!

Wife: Would you love me if I was six inches tall, and you had to carry me around in a shoebox?

Husband: I love you!

Wife: What if my arm was 40 feet long, and you had to move it around in a truck.

Husband: Okay.. you talk so big? You talk big? Let me ask you something – would you love me if I was going bald?

Wife: [ thinking ] I would love you if everything you touched turned bald.

Husband: [ impressed ] Ooohhhh! I love you, I love you!

Wife: Would you love me if I refused to ever have sex with you again?

Husband: In a different way..

Wife: Would you love me if I hated you?

Husband: Now, wait a second!

Wife: Answer the question!

Husband: Wait a second..

Wife: God! You have to think about it?

Husband: No! I love you! I love you!

Wife: Would you.. love me if I was seeing someone else?

Husband: [ caught off guard ] What?

Wife: Would you love me if I was seeing someone on and off for the last eleven weeks, more on than off?

Husband: Now, now, now.. wait a minute, what’s going on here?!

Wife: Just answer the question. [ phone rings ] That could be him.

[ phone rings again ]

Husband: Answer the phone!

Wife: Answer my question!

Husband: [ reaches over the bed, grabs the phone and slams it to the ground ]

Wife: Why, you crazy.. [ she picks the phone up from the ground ] Hello? Oh, hi, Mrs. Scarpelli. Yeah, he’s right here, hold on a second..

Husband: [ takes the phone ] Hi, Mom! [ laughs ] No, Mom, everything’s fine, everything’s okay! I just dropped it down by accident! Yeah. Yes, Mom, I love you. Yes. A lot! Oh, come on, Mom..!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Air Date:

Host:



Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

May 10th, 1986

Paul Simon

Catherine Oxenberg

Ladysmith Black Mambazo

Penn & Teller

  • Paul Simon performs “You Can Call Me Al”

  • Catherine Oxenbergs’ Monologue

  • Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier

  • Shackled Prisoners

  • The Late Show with Joan Rivers

    Recurring Characters: Joan Rivers.

  • The Limits of the Imagination

  • Dirk Landers

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • Paul Simon & Ladysmith Black Mambazo sing “Homeless”

  • Penn & Teller

  • The Pathological Liar

    Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

  • Brim Decaffienated

  • A Mothers Day’s Message

  • Trojans

    (Repeat) See: 11/16/85.

  • Paul Simon performs “Graceland”

    SNL Transcripts