SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 18

85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic


…..Lorne Michaels
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
…..Anjelica Huston
…..Billy Martin

[ open on interior, Cast Dressing Room – cast members putting their things away before the Cast Party after the show ]

Randy Quaid: [ entering ] Hey, hey, hey, good show, everybody!

[ the cast applaud themselves and pass high-fives around ]

Dennis Miller: All over but the Goodnights, huh?

Nora Dunn: Ah, it’s hard to believe we’re not gonna be back here until next October!

Robert Downey, Jr.: Wow..

Danitra Vance: Yeah, it’s really strange!

Terry Sweeney: Hey, I’m gonna miss all of you this summer..

[ everyone shares the sentiment ]

Robert Downey, Jr.: Hey, I don’t know about you guys, but I am pumped for next year!

Everyone: Yeah!!

Randy Quaid: Hey, hey – uh, does anybody smell gasoline?

[ cut to exterior, Cast Dressing Room – Billy Martin dousing the exit door and surrounding walls with gasoline. Lorne Michaels approaches. ]

Lorne Michaels: Billy! What are you doing?

Billy Martin: I’m setting the room on fire. That’s what I’m doing!

Lorne Michaels: [ confused ] What do you mean?

Billy Martin: What do I mean? Listen, Michaels – if I’m fired, then I’m taking the cast with me!

Lorne Michaels: Billy, are you crazy? If you set the cast on fire, they won’t be able to do the show next year.

Billy Martin: That’s right, bigshot! [ lights a match, sparking a fire in the hall, then runs off ]

Lorne Michaels: [ moderately desperate ] I’ve got to go in there. [ enters Dressing Room, then quickly emerges with a startled Jon Lovitz ]

Jon Lovitz: What are you doing? I’ve gotta wave goodbye!

Lorne Michaels: Don’t ask any questions, Jon! Just go downstairs to my limosine and wait for me there. [ Jon obeys and exits ] Writers! Writers!

[ three yuppie writers come down the hall ]

Writers: Yes, Mr. Michaels?

Lorne Michaels: Uh.. there’s some candy and chocolates in the dressing room – go in there and help yourself..

Writers: Oh, thank you! [ enter the Dressing Room ]

Lorne Michaels: Great job this year! Help yourself! [ closes the door behind them, then rushes off ] [ cut to Center Stage, Anjelica Huston and Parliament Funk ready for the Goodnights ]

Anjelica Huston: Is Billy Martin around?

Billy Martin: [ walks up, covered in smoke stains ] Here I am!

Anjelica Huston: Oh, Billy. Billy, are you okay?

Billy Martin: I never felt better!

Anjelica Huston: Well, me, too! Goodnight, everybody!

Billy Martin: Goodnight!

[ cue Closing Music ] [ dissolve to Cast Dressing Room – remaining cast trapped by the smoldering flames ] [ SUPER: “Who Will Survive?” ] [ SUPER: “Who Will Perish?” ] [ SUPER: “Tune in October 11th” ] [ credits roll, reading “Executive Producer: Lorne Michaels? – Producers: Al Franken? Tom Davis?” and so on, until a giant red “?” appears in the middle of the screen ] [ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86: Hands Across America

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 18

85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic

Hands Across America

Kevin Brennan…..Randy Quaid
Supporter #1…..Joan Cusack
Supporter #2…..Billy Martin
Supporter #3…..Danita Vance
Leader…..Nora Dunn
Supporter…..Robert Downey Jr.
Supporter…..Terry Sweeney



Chorus: [singing]“Hands Across America
Hands across the land I love
Divided We Fall
United We Stand
Hands Across America”


Leader: Listen, everybody! Listen!! Please, stop, please!! There are pickpockets working the lines! If you feel your pocket is being picked, do not hold… don’t stop holding hands! Shout for help!! Okay!? THIS IS HANDS ACROSS AMERICA!!!

[ The crowd cheers. ]

Supporter #1: So what made you want to do this, huh?

Supporter #2: When I saw that Chernobyl thing, I said to myself, “This nuclear madness has got to stop!”

Supporter #1: Well, this is for the homeless…

Supporter #2: Homeless?

Supporter #1: Yeah… this is to raise money for the homeless.

Supporter #2: Those bums!? Oh, well… As long as I’m here, I’ll stay.

[ KEVIN BRENNAN, a disabled athlete, hobbles in. ]

Kevin Brennan: Excuse me, could I get in through here, please?

Supporter #3: I’m sorry…

Kevin Brennan: Please! I have to get through.

Supporter #1: We can’t let go. I’m sorry but we can’t let go.

Kevin Brennan: Don’t you know who I am!? Huh? Huh?

Supporter #2: No.

Kevin Brennan: I’m Kevin Brennan — the one-legged runner. Huh? I’m running from Texas to Minnesota to call attention to the dangers of cleats on mall escalators.

Supporter #3: No, I haven’t. But I’m sorry, we can’t break the chain — this is Hands Across America.

Kevin Brennan: You mean this goes all the way across the continent!?

Supporter #2: Yep.

Kevin Brennan: Why are you doing this!?

Supporter #1: To raise money for the homeless.

Kevin Brennan: What? Those bums!? Come on! Let me through!

Supporter #3: We wish we could, but we can’t!

Kevin Brennan: So basically, what you’re telling me is – you’re not gonna let me though?

Supporter #1: Pretty much… Yeah!

Kevin Brennan: Great!! Well, thanks a lot! I guess I’ll see if I can have any further luck down the line. Oh, but first, there’s something I want to say to you people… Oh, golly… I forgot what I wanted to say… oh, yeah! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

That Black Girl

That Black Girl

Latoya Marie…..Danitra Vance
…..Francis Ford Coppola
…..Terry Sweeney

[ “That Black Girl” opening montage ] [ open on That Black Girl, LaToya Marie, sitting on the couch in her posh apartment ]

LaToya Marie: Listen! [ giggles ] I just want you to be the first to know that.. um.. guess who’s gonna be the new Sparkledent girl! No, not the girl in the red! Me! LaToya Marie! Yeah! [ giggles ] Okay! I love you, too! Don’t forget to tell Mom! That I’m the new Sparkledent girl! God! [ giggles ] Bye! [ hangs up phone, as doorbell rings ] Who could that be? I’m not expecting anyone! [ bounces toward the door and opens it, grabbing an anonymous bouquet of flowers left for her ] Flowers! For moi? It must be from Donald, I can’t imagine who would stand them by the door..!

[ Francis Ford Coppola and Terry Sweeney enter the scene to interrupt ]

Francis Ford Coppola: Could you hold it for a second?

Terry Sweeney: Hold everything!!

Francis Ford Coppola: There’s something wrong.. wait a second.. I want set design in here, please?

Terry Sweeney: Set Design!!

Set Design: [ enters ] Is there a problem here?

Francis Ford Coppola: Yeah.. I want more squallor. I want more squallor. Run it down, I want more grit..

Terry Sweeney: It doesn’t look like anything!

Francis Ford Coppola: I don’t want to change anything, but everything’s wrong! It looks like moving reality, it doesn’t look like real reality. I want grit!

[ Set Design reassembles the set, as Francis pulls Danitra Vance in front of the set ]

Uh.. I want more, more.. I would like you to look at, into the, uh.. you’re not really like a black girl to me. You know? I don’t believe that you’re a real black woman. The scene doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the black experience, don’t you agree?

Danitra Vance: Uh.. I guess so..

Francis Ford Coppola: Can I see the writers?

Terry Sweeney: Writers, get in here!!

[ a trio of white, preppy, pipe-smoking writers enter ]

Francis Ford Coppola: Why aren’t there any black women writers on this show? I mean, do any of you really know the subject of this scene, you know, what it is to be black? To feel black? Well, the scene isn’t right. Come on, I’ll habdle this.

Terry Sweeney: [ to the writers ] Why do you write so poorly? Just a question.

[ the writers exit ]

Francis Ford Coppola: Danitra.. I want an unemployed, shunned, segregated, undereducated, maddened, oppressed black woman. Let the comedy come out of that! I don’t want That Black Girl, I want That Black Girl, okay? You can do it! Give it in! Go ahead!

Danitra Vance: I’ll try!

Francis Ford Coppola: Okay.

[ the scene starts again, the posh apartment having been rearranged into a ghetto slum. LaToya Marie sits on an old mattress as her phone rings. ]

LaToya Marie: [ picks up phone ] Thank you. [ hangs up, throws the phone across the room ] Ohh.. they want me to be the new Sparkledent girl. My big break. Big deal! They don’t know me. They don’t know the real me. This isn’t me! [ pulls off her wig ] I turn myself inside out to please them! But I’ve pleased them.. and I’ve lost me! I’ll finally be out of poverty, but I’m already out of.. integrity! I am somebody! I am somebody else! Smile, honey..

[ dissolve to ending “That Black Girl” montage ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86: Anjelica Huston’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 18

85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic

Anjelica Huston’s Monologue

…..Anjelica Huston
…..Anthony Michael Hall
Mephistopheles…..Jon Lovitz
…..Billy Martin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Anjelica Huston!

Anjelica Huston: Thank you! Thank you, this is really a thrill for me, hosting the show. It’s my first time on live television, except, of course, at the Oscars. [ the audience applauds ] I have to say “Thank you.” – you saw it. Of course, I was tremendously honored, and belated, and everything else – uh, until the next morning when someone reminded me of the curse of the Oscars. Now, at first I thought that’s realy stupid. How could there be a curse on winning an Academy Award? Then, tonight, it hit me: I’m hosting “Saturday Night.” Anyway, I’ve never done this, I’ve never stood on a stage and actually told jokes. But I’m going to try. so here goes:

Imelda Marcos and Bob Geldof are on a raft. And their supplies are running out. Then they see a dock, so they paddle furiously —

[ cut to backstage, where Huston can be seen on a monitor delivering her monologue as Anthony Michael Hall walks down the corridor ]

Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, she’s funny. [ stops when he ses Billy Martin dressing in front of a locker ] Angelica’s doing great, huh? She’s really beautiful.

Billy Martin: She is.

Anthony Michael Hall: Is she the host tonight, Billy? Because I thought you were.

Billy Martin: We kinda both are – I guess.

Anthony Michael Hall: I think it’s great that you’re here, you know, and that, uh, Lorne and the show is taking such a big risk on you.

Billy Martin: Oh, thanks.

Anthony Michael Hall: Yeah. Oh, I hate to ask you this, Billy, but could you do me a favor, man? [ pulls a baseball out of his inside jacket pocket ] Could you autograph this ball?

Billy Martin: Oh sure, I’d be glad to. Hey, this is an old one, isn’t it?

Anthony Michael Hall: Yeah, it’s the third home run ball that Reggie hit in the ’77 World Series. You remember that?

Billy Martin: Yeah. Did you catch this ball?

Anthony Michael Hall: No, no. Actually, my businessman bought the ball. My business manager – excuse me, Billy. At an auction. so, uh – yeah, it’s kind of an investment thing.

Billy Martin: Oh, I see. [ signs the ball ] [ fake audience laughter can be heard from the inside studio ]

Anthony Michael Hall: So, you managing a team now, Billy?

Billy Martin: No, not at this moment.

Anthony Michael Hall: Why? Because nobody wants you, and they feel you can’t hold down a job?

Billy Martin: You know, it’s a good thing I’ve changed. The old self-destructive Billy Martin would have punched a guy out for saying something like that.

Anthony Michael Hall: Sorry, Billy.

Billy Martin: Aw, it’s okay. I have a new attitude these days. I had some time to reflect on things, get a new outlook, met a wonderful woman —

Anthony Michael Hall: Alright!

Billy Martin: I’ll tell you – my whole life’s in upswing now. I’ve wrassled with my demons, and I’ve won.

Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, that’s great! I’m really glad to hear that, Billy. I need that ball back, and that pen. [ Billy returns the items ] Thanks for the autograph, Billy, I gotta run! [ exits corridor ]

Billy Martin: You’re welcome. You’re welcome.

[ suddenly, Mephistopheles materializes behind Billy ]

Billy Martin: You again?

Mephistopheles: Yes, Billy. Nice to see you. [ notices the laughter coming from the studio ] Well, you’ve sunk to a new low, hosting a comedy show.

Billy Martin: Hey, I’m having a good time out here. They’re really nice to me.

Mephistopheles: You’d better face facts, Billy – they only invited you here to humiliate you. They just want to see how far they can push you before you explode.

Billy Martin: That’s not true. The producer here likes me. You know, Lorne Michaels knows that a man can change.

Mephistopheles: [ laughs maniacally ]

Billy Martin: Get out of here!

Mephistopheles: [ laughs, coughs, dematerializes ] [ audience applause can be heard from the inside studio, as Huston enters the corridor and stops next to Billy ]

Billy Martin: You look like you went over big out there!

Anjelica Huston: Well, God, I was so nervous at first, but then it was like the audience reached out and embraced me. I’ve never felt such warmth and affection and.. approval. I was just basking in it!

Billy Martin: Well, good for you.

Anjelica Huston: Well, I hope you weren’t offended by that joke I did – I mean, you know, about how you can’t hold down a job?

Billy Martin: Oh, I know that, I —

Anjelica Huston: It wasn’t anything personal.

Billy Martin: Oh, I know. I know. Yeah.

Anjelica Huston: Well, I just can’t tell you what a charge– that is. Live TV!

Billy Martin: Yeah! And you’re gonna see a new Billy Martin tonight.

SNL Transcripts

The Honeymooners: The Lost Episodes

The Honeymooners: The Lost Episodes

Ralph Kramden…..George Wendt
Alice Kramden…..Nora Dunn
Ed Norton…..Anthony Michael Hall

[ open on Alice in the kitchen, as Ralph attempts to come through the front door ] [ Alice goes to open the door, for Ralph, but he enters the room from behind a side wall of the set ]

Ralph Kramden: Alice, I’m home! [ laughing ] I was hiding in the bedroom the whole time! Honey, where’s my eats – I’m going bowling tonight!

Alice Kramden: Here you go, Ralph. [ places a small container in front of him ]

Ralph Kramden: What’s this?

Alice Kramden: Tuna fish.

Ralph Kramden: Tuna fish?

Alice Kramden: Well, my mambo lesson ran late, I didn’t have time to fix you a hot dinner.

Ralph Kramden: Mambo lessons? Mambo lessons?! All day long, I’ve been driving up and down Madison Avenue in that bus, when I come home I can’t have a hot supper because you’re taking mambo lessons?!

[ a knock at the door ]

Alice Kramden: Get the door, Ralph.

[ Ralph answers the door, letting Ed Norton enter ]

Ed Norton: Hey, what you say there, Ralphie boy? [ sets up a turntable near the front door ] I think I’ve got this thing figured out, Alice! [ puts a mambo record on, as he and Alice practice their dance moves ]

Ralph Kramden: Will you come on with that?! [ hits Norton, who stumbles into the record player ] This is too much! This time you’ve pushed me too far!

Alice Kramden: Oh, Ralph.. the only way I can push you is if I had a bulldozer.

Ralph Kramden: You’re a riot, Alice.. you’re a regular riot. One of these days, Alice, I’m telling you.. one of these days!

Alice Kramden: One of these days, what, Ralph? Your gut’s gonna hang over the top of your shoes?

Ralph Kramden: [ grumbles ] Bang, zoom – to the moon, Alice! to the moon!

Alice Kramden: Ha ha, hardy ha ha! You know, you’ve been saying that for years, Ralph. You’re all talk and no action! You’re just a big windbag!

Ralph Kramden: [ peeved once and for all, Ralph finally smacks Alice right in the jaw, knocking her to the floor ]

Ed Norton: Hey, Ralph? I never actually saw you connect before, Ralph!

Ralph Kramden: Get out!

Ed Norton: She went down like a sack of potatoes, huh?

Ralph Kramden: Get outta here, you!

Ed Norton: [ opens the door to leave ] Hey, Ralph, let me ask you one more question – was it uppercut, or across?

Ralph Kramden: Would you get out of here?! [ throws Norton out ]

Alice Kramden: [ comes to, rises slowly from the floor ]

Ralph Kramden: Honey, uh.. I’m awfully sorry.. [ pulls Alice up ] I don’t know why you put up with me, baby.. I know I never buy you anything, and I never take you anywhere.. I know we only have sex about once a year.. honey, could you forgive me? Please?

Alice Kramden: Oh, Ralph..

Ralph Kramden: Baby, you’re the greatest!

[ they kiss, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

George Wendt’s Monologue

George Wendt’s Monologue

…..George Wendt
…..Francis Ford Coppola
…..Terry Sweeney

George Wendt: Thank you. I have to say, this has really been a hectic week for me, quite a contrast from the last few months, you know, when I’ve basically just been sitting around on a bar stool drinking beer all day. Then, of course, before that, I was working very hard on “Cheers”..

Francis Ford Coppola: [ offstage ] Alright – cut! Great!

George Wendt: Why are we stopping now?

Francis Ford Coppola: Oh, don’t worry, George – you were great! But I just want to get one more take, you know, just to be sure?

George Wendt: Well.. that’s kind of a joke, Francis.. I don’t know if they’re gonna laugh again..

Francis Ford Coppola: Don’t worry about it. You stand by. [ turns to the audience ] Folks.. alright, folks, if I could have your attention, please? What we’re trying to do here is create the illusion that the Host, played by George, is going to tell you a joke. George, what’s the funny part?

George Wendt: Uh.. I guess it would be towards the end, Francis.. you know.. I guess that part where I say I’ve been drinking, in a bar.. and the audience thinks, of course, that it was “Cheers”, but I reveal that it wasn’t.. you know, that’s probably the funny part there.

Francis Ford Coppola: Right.. right.. [ to the audience ] So, when he says that, what I want you to do, is, I want you to react by laughing. If you don’t feel like laughing, I want you to go back and remember something from your childhood. It’s called Sense Memory. You remember something that was funny, and then, and then you’ll laugh at the right point. Okay? Okay.. standby, here we go.. ready?

George Wendt: Boy, what a hectic week this has been, you know..? [ audience starts laughing wildly ] Quite a contrast, actually, from the past few months, where, basically, I’ve been sitting around on a bar stool drinking beer all day. [ audience aplauds wildly; George chuckles ] And then, before that, I was working on “Cheers”! [ the punchline dropped, the audience laughs and applauds wildly ] You know.. I’ve been told that “Cheers” is the sitcom for people who don’t really like to watch sitcoms, and I have to believe it’s true, you know? Because, one day, I was at this party, and this guy walked up to me, and – distinguished looking guy, I swear he looked like a brain surgeon, he had the horn-rimmed glasses, salt-and-pepper beard and everything – and he says to me..

Francis Ford Coppola: Alright – cut, cut! That’s wonderful, George!

George Wendt: Wait a minute.. you really want to cut in there? I worked really hard on this monologue..

Francis Ford Coppola: Well, it shows! You did great!

George Wendt: Well.. okay. Alright. Thanks. You’re sure?

Francis Ford Coppola: Don’t worry about it, we’re gonna fix it in the editing.

George Wendt: Great.

Francis Ford Coppola: Go to your room and work on the next scene.

George Wendt: Alright. [ walks offstage ]

Terry Sweeney: Hi, Francis! I’m actor/writer Terry Sweeney.

Francis Ford Coppola: Oh, hi, Terry, how are you?

Terry Sweeney: Fine. Listen.. pardon me for asking, but.. there’s a rumor around that says you’re the boss of the show now.

Francis Ford Coppola: Yeah, I’m directing this show now.

Terry Sweeney: Thank God! Finally, someone who knows what he’s doing! You’ve got to save this sinking ship! Can you do it?

Francis Ford Coppola: [ motions to be taken away from Terry ] Yeah.. thanks a lot, Terry.. I’ve got to move on..

Terry Sweeney: Well, I’ll be here! I’ll be your right hand..!

[ Francis dollies off, as the scene dissolves to the next sketch ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Oprah Winfrey: 04/12/86

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

April 12th, 1986

Oprah Winfrey

Joe Jackson

Penn & Teller

  • Beat Her!

  • Oprah Winfrey’s Monologue

    Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

  • Lookin’ At America Through John Cougar-Mellencamp’s Eyes

  • The Pat Stevens Show

    Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

  • Cabrini Green & Mom

    Recurring Characters: Cabrini Green.

  • Joe Jackson performs “Right & Wrong”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • The Wart Hog

  • “I Play The Maids”

  • Actors on Film

    Recurring Characters: Jimmy Chance, Ashley Ashley.

  • Craig Sundberg, Idiot Savant

  • The Cute Shop

  • Joe Jackson performs “Soul Kiss”

  • One-Shoe Emma

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Oprah Winfrey: 04/12/86: Beat Her!

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 11: Episode 14

    85n: Oprah Winfrey / Joe Jackson

    Beat Her!

    …..Oprah Winfrey
    …..Lorne Michaels
    …..Danitra Vance


    [ LORNE MICHAELS stands outside a dressing room door with a star on it. Below the star, a placard reads 8H7 with the name OPRAH WINFREY. Lorne knocks on the door. ]

    Lorne Michaels: Oprah…

    [ The door opens. Oprah walks through. ]

    Oprah Winfrey: Yes, Lorne?

    Lorne Michaels: They told me in wardrobe you haven’t tried on your Aunt Jemima costume.

    Oprah Winfrey: That’s right.

    Lorne Michaels: Well… don’t you think you should try it on soon? It’s your first sketch.

    Oprah Winfrey: I’m not doing it.

    Lorne Michaels: Really? I think it’s a very, very funny sketch.

    [ Oprah places her hands on her hips. ]

    Oprah Winfrey: Like I said, I don’t do Aunt Jemima. And furthermore, I’m not doing the maid sketch. I’m not doing the Br’er Rabbit sketch. And you can just forget about me in the refrigerator repair sketch.

    [ Oprah turns back to her dressing room and slams the door. ]

    Lorne Michaels: Oprah! Gee…

    [ DANITRA VANCE ambles in, dressed as Celie from The Color Purple, carrying a silver tray with a silver coffee pot and a single porcelain cup. ]

    Danitra Vance: Here’s your coffee you wanted, Mr. Lorne.

    [ Lorne takes the cup. ]

    Lorne Michaels: Thanks, Danitra.

    [ Lorne takes a sip. ]

    Lorne Michaels: Danitra, you’re black?

    Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne.

    [ Lorne takes a moment. ]

    Lorne Michaels: Maybe you could help me out?

    Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne?

    Lorne Michaels: For some reason, Oprah won’t do anything I say.

    Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne?

    Lorne Michaels: Danitra, what do you think I should do?

    [ Danitra bites her lower lip and ponders for a moment. ]

    Danitra Vance: Beat her!

    [ Lorne gives a slight head nod and places the cup back on the tray. Danitra exits. ]

    Lorne Michaels: Oprah, open the door!

    [ The door flies open. Oprah stands in the frame. ]

    Lorne Michaels: Oprah, you’re going to do the sketch or so help me…

    [ Oprah slugs Lorne in the face then chokes him in a headlock. ]

    Oprah Winfrey: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

    Submitted by: Cody Downs

    SNL Transcripts

    I Play The Maids

    I Play The Maids

    …..Lorne Michaels
    …..Danitra Vance

    [ open in Danitra Vance’s dressing room, Danitra’s reflection seen close-up in her mirror, the dressing room dor visible in the background of the mirror ]

    Lorne Michaels: [ poking head hrough the open door ] Danitra, five minutes until the “Gone With The Wind” sketch.

    Danitra Vance: [ singing ]“I’ve been alive for a long time,
    And I played the very first maid.
    I cooked the buns,
    Nurse the chillings,
    Did the house work.
    I didn’t care if I got paid.

    I played the maid who made the whole world laugh.
    I played the maid who sewed Ms. Scarlet’s drapery dress.
    I played the maid who helped Mae West get Cary Grant.
    I play the maids I played the ma-a-id,

    Fine Hollywood tradition,
    I gave advice on what to do.
    But now I have a more modern position.
    I play the maids in prime-time, too.

    I played the maid who has a hearty laugh.
    I played the maid who’s pale-faced daughter tried to pass.
    I was the maid who taught Shirley Temple how to dance.
    I play the maids, I play the maids.
    I am merry, and I play the maids.”

    Lorne Michaels: [ poking his head back through the open door ] Five minutes, Danitra. Five minutes.

    Thanks to Michael Cauley of SNL Song Transcriptsfor this transcript.

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Tony Danza: 04/19/86

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    April 19th, 1986

    Tony Danza

    Laurie Anderson

    Penn & Teller

  • Randy Quaid’s Vietnam Tale

  • Tony Danza’s Monologue

  • AT&T

  • Nancy Reagan’s Personal Trainer

    Recurring Characters: Nancy Reagan.

  • Laurie Anderson performs “Baby Doll”

  • Lyndon LaRouche Theatre

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

    Recurring Characters: Babette.

  • 30-Second Count

  • Penn & Teller

  • Big-Time Professional Golf

  • Unconditional Love

  • Master Thespian

    Recurring Characters: Master Thespian.

  • Laurie Anderson performs “Day The Devil”

  • Biff & Salena

    Recurring Characters: Biff, Selena.

    SNL Transcripts