SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86: Hands Across America

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 18

85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic

Hands Across America

Kevin Brennan…..Randy Quaid
Supporter #1…..Joan Cusack
Supporter #2…..Billy Martin
Supporter #3…..Danita Vance
Leader…..Nora Dunn
Supporter…..Robert Downey Jr.
Supporter…..Terry Sweeney



Chorus: [singing]“Hands Across America
Hands across the land I love
Divided We Fall
United We Stand
Hands Across America”


Leader: Listen, everybody! Listen!! Please, stop, please!! There are pickpockets working the lines! If you feel your pocket is being picked, do not hold… don’t stop holding hands! Shout for help!! Okay!? THIS IS HANDS ACROSS AMERICA!!!

[ The crowd cheers. ]

Supporter #1: So what made you want to do this, huh?

Supporter #2: When I saw that Chernobyl thing, I said to myself, “This nuclear madness has got to stop!”

Supporter #1: Well, this is for the homeless…

Supporter #2: Homeless?

Supporter #1: Yeah… this is to raise money for the homeless.

Supporter #2: Those bums!? Oh, well… As long as I’m here, I’ll stay.

[ KEVIN BRENNAN, a disabled athlete, hobbles in. ]

Kevin Brennan: Excuse me, could I get in through here, please?

Supporter #3: I’m sorry…

Kevin Brennan: Please! I have to get through.

Supporter #1: We can’t let go. I’m sorry but we can’t let go.

Kevin Brennan: Don’t you know who I am!? Huh? Huh?

Supporter #2: No.

Kevin Brennan: I’m Kevin Brennan — the one-legged runner. Huh? I’m running from Texas to Minnesota to call attention to the dangers of cleats on mall escalators.

Supporter #3: No, I haven’t. But I’m sorry, we can’t break the chain — this is Hands Across America.

Kevin Brennan: You mean this goes all the way across the continent!?

Supporter #2: Yep.

Kevin Brennan: Why are you doing this!?

Supporter #1: To raise money for the homeless.

Kevin Brennan: What? Those bums!? Come on! Let me through!

Supporter #3: We wish we could, but we can’t!

Kevin Brennan: So basically, what you’re telling me is – you’re not gonna let me though?

Supporter #1: Pretty much… Yeah!

Kevin Brennan: Great!! Well, thanks a lot! I guess I’ll see if I can have any further luck down the line. Oh, but first, there’s something I want to say to you people… Oh, golly… I forgot what I wanted to say… oh, yeah! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

That Black Girl

That Black Girl

Latoya Marie…..Danitra Vance
…..Francis Ford Coppola
…..Terry Sweeney

[ “That Black Girl” opening montage ] [ open on That Black Girl, LaToya Marie, sitting on the couch in her posh apartment ]

LaToya Marie: Listen! [ giggles ] I just want you to be the first to know that.. um.. guess who’s gonna be the new Sparkledent girl! No, not the girl in the red! Me! LaToya Marie! Yeah! [ giggles ] Okay! I love you, too! Don’t forget to tell Mom! That I’m the new Sparkledent girl! God! [ giggles ] Bye! [ hangs up phone, as doorbell rings ] Who could that be? I’m not expecting anyone! [ bounces toward the door and opens it, grabbing an anonymous bouquet of flowers left for her ] Flowers! For moi? It must be from Donald, I can’t imagine who would stand them by the door..!

[ Francis Ford Coppola and Terry Sweeney enter the scene to interrupt ]

Francis Ford Coppola: Could you hold it for a second?

Terry Sweeney: Hold everything!!

Francis Ford Coppola: There’s something wrong.. wait a second.. I want set design in here, please?

Terry Sweeney: Set Design!!

Set Design: [ enters ] Is there a problem here?

Francis Ford Coppola: Yeah.. I want more squallor. I want more squallor. Run it down, I want more grit..

Terry Sweeney: It doesn’t look like anything!

Francis Ford Coppola: I don’t want to change anything, but everything’s wrong! It looks like moving reality, it doesn’t look like real reality. I want grit!

[ Set Design reassembles the set, as Francis pulls Danitra Vance in front of the set ]

Uh.. I want more, more.. I would like you to look at, into the, uh.. you’re not really like a black girl to me. You know? I don’t believe that you’re a real black woman. The scene doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the black experience, don’t you agree?

Danitra Vance: Uh.. I guess so..

Francis Ford Coppola: Can I see the writers?

Terry Sweeney: Writers, get in here!!

[ a trio of white, preppy, pipe-smoking writers enter ]

Francis Ford Coppola: Why aren’t there any black women writers on this show? I mean, do any of you really know the subject of this scene, you know, what it is to be black? To feel black? Well, the scene isn’t right. Come on, I’ll habdle this.

Terry Sweeney: [ to the writers ] Why do you write so poorly? Just a question.

[ the writers exit ]

Francis Ford Coppola: Danitra.. I want an unemployed, shunned, segregated, undereducated, maddened, oppressed black woman. Let the comedy come out of that! I don’t want That Black Girl, I want That Black Girl, okay? You can do it! Give it in! Go ahead!

Danitra Vance: I’ll try!

Francis Ford Coppola: Okay.

[ the scene starts again, the posh apartment having been rearranged into a ghetto slum. LaToya Marie sits on an old mattress as her phone rings. ]

LaToya Marie: [ picks up phone ] Thank you. [ hangs up, throws the phone across the room ] Ohh.. they want me to be the new Sparkledent girl. My big break. Big deal! They don’t know me. They don’t know the real me. This isn’t me! [ pulls off her wig ] I turn myself inside out to please them! But I’ve pleased them.. and I’ve lost me! I’ll finally be out of poverty, but I’m already out of.. integrity! I am somebody! I am somebody else! Smile, honey..

[ dissolve to ending “That Black Girl” montage ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86: Anjelica Huston’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 18

85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic

Anjelica Huston’s Monologue

…..Anjelica Huston
…..Anthony Michael Hall
Mephistopheles…..Jon Lovitz
…..Billy Martin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Anjelica Huston!

Anjelica Huston: Thank you! Thank you, this is really a thrill for me, hosting the show. It’s my first time on live television, except, of course, at the Oscars. [ the audience applauds ] I have to say “Thank you.” – you saw it. Of course, I was tremendously honored, and belated, and everything else – uh, until the next morning when someone reminded me of the curse of the Oscars. Now, at first I thought that’s realy stupid. How could there be a curse on winning an Academy Award? Then, tonight, it hit me: I’m hosting “Saturday Night.” Anyway, I’ve never done this, I’ve never stood on a stage and actually told jokes. But I’m going to try. so here goes:

Imelda Marcos and Bob Geldof are on a raft. And their supplies are running out. Then they see a dock, so they paddle furiously —

[ cut to backstage, where Huston can be seen on a monitor delivering her monologue as Anthony Michael Hall walks down the corridor ]

Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, she’s funny. [ stops when he ses Billy Martin dressing in front of a locker ] Angelica’s doing great, huh? She’s really beautiful.

Billy Martin: She is.

Anthony Michael Hall: Is she the host tonight, Billy? Because I thought you were.

Billy Martin: We kinda both are – I guess.

Anthony Michael Hall: I think it’s great that you’re here, you know, and that, uh, Lorne and the show is taking such a big risk on you.

Billy Martin: Oh, thanks.

Anthony Michael Hall: Yeah. Oh, I hate to ask you this, Billy, but could you do me a favor, man? [ pulls a baseball out of his inside jacket pocket ] Could you autograph this ball?

Billy Martin: Oh sure, I’d be glad to. Hey, this is an old one, isn’t it?

Anthony Michael Hall: Yeah, it’s the third home run ball that Reggie hit in the ’77 World Series. You remember that?

Billy Martin: Yeah. Did you catch this ball?

Anthony Michael Hall: No, no. Actually, my businessman bought the ball. My business manager – excuse me, Billy. At an auction. so, uh – yeah, it’s kind of an investment thing.

Billy Martin: Oh, I see. [ signs the ball ] [ fake audience laughter can be heard from the inside studio ]

Anthony Michael Hall: So, you managing a team now, Billy?

Billy Martin: No, not at this moment.

Anthony Michael Hall: Why? Because nobody wants you, and they feel you can’t hold down a job?

Billy Martin: You know, it’s a good thing I’ve changed. The old self-destructive Billy Martin would have punched a guy out for saying something like that.

Anthony Michael Hall: Sorry, Billy.

Billy Martin: Aw, it’s okay. I have a new attitude these days. I had some time to reflect on things, get a new outlook, met a wonderful woman —

Anthony Michael Hall: Alright!

Billy Martin: I’ll tell you – my whole life’s in upswing now. I’ve wrassled with my demons, and I’ve won.

Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, that’s great! I’m really glad to hear that, Billy. I need that ball back, and that pen. [ Billy returns the items ] Thanks for the autograph, Billy, I gotta run! [ exits corridor ]

Billy Martin: You’re welcome. You’re welcome.

[ suddenly, Mephistopheles materializes behind Billy ]

Billy Martin: You again?

Mephistopheles: Yes, Billy. Nice to see you. [ notices the laughter coming from the studio ] Well, you’ve sunk to a new low, hosting a comedy show.

Billy Martin: Hey, I’m having a good time out here. They’re really nice to me.

Mephistopheles: You’d better face facts, Billy – they only invited you here to humiliate you. They just want to see how far they can push you before you explode.

Billy Martin: That’s not true. The producer here likes me. You know, Lorne Michaels knows that a man can change.

Mephistopheles: [ laughs maniacally ]

Billy Martin: Get out of here!

Mephistopheles: [ laughs, coughs, dematerializes ] [ audience applause can be heard from the inside studio, as Huston enters the corridor and stops next to Billy ]

Billy Martin: You look like you went over big out there!

Anjelica Huston: Well, God, I was so nervous at first, but then it was like the audience reached out and embraced me. I’ve never felt such warmth and affection and.. approval. I was just basking in it!

Billy Martin: Well, good for you.

Anjelica Huston: Well, I hope you weren’t offended by that joke I did – I mean, you know, about how you can’t hold down a job?

Billy Martin: Oh, I know that, I —

Anjelica Huston: It wasn’t anything personal.

Billy Martin: Oh, I know. I know. Yeah.

Anjelica Huston: Well, I just can’t tell you what a charge– that is. Live TV!

Billy Martin: Yeah! And you’re gonna see a new Billy Martin tonight.

SNL Transcripts

The Honeymooners: The Lost Episodes

The Honeymooners: The Lost Episodes

Ralph Kramden…..George Wendt
Alice Kramden…..Nora Dunn
Ed Norton…..Anthony Michael Hall

[ open on Alice in the kitchen, as Ralph attempts to come through the front door ] [ Alice goes to open the door, for Ralph, but he enters the room from behind a side wall of the set ]

Ralph Kramden: Alice, I’m home! [ laughing ] I was hiding in the bedroom the whole time! Honey, where’s my eats – I’m going bowling tonight!

Alice Kramden: Here you go, Ralph. [ places a small container in front of him ]

Ralph Kramden: What’s this?

Alice Kramden: Tuna fish.

Ralph Kramden: Tuna fish?

Alice Kramden: Well, my mambo lesson ran late, I didn’t have time to fix you a hot dinner.

Ralph Kramden: Mambo lessons? Mambo lessons?! All day long, I’ve been driving up and down Madison Avenue in that bus, when I come home I can’t have a hot supper because you’re taking mambo lessons?!

[ a knock at the door ]

Alice Kramden: Get the door, Ralph.

[ Ralph answers the door, letting Ed Norton enter ]

Ed Norton: Hey, what you say there, Ralphie boy? [ sets up a turntable near the front door ] I think I’ve got this thing figured out, Alice! [ puts a mambo record on, as he and Alice practice their dance moves ]

Ralph Kramden: Will you come on with that?! [ hits Norton, who stumbles into the record player ] This is too much! This time you’ve pushed me too far!

Alice Kramden: Oh, Ralph.. the only way I can push you is if I had a bulldozer.

Ralph Kramden: You’re a riot, Alice.. you’re a regular riot. One of these days, Alice, I’m telling you.. one of these days!

Alice Kramden: One of these days, what, Ralph? Your gut’s gonna hang over the top of your shoes?

Ralph Kramden: [ grumbles ] Bang, zoom – to the moon, Alice! to the moon!

Alice Kramden: Ha ha, hardy ha ha! You know, you’ve been saying that for years, Ralph. You’re all talk and no action! You’re just a big windbag!

Ralph Kramden: [ peeved once and for all, Ralph finally smacks Alice right in the jaw, knocking her to the floor ]

Ed Norton: Hey, Ralph? I never actually saw you connect before, Ralph!

Ralph Kramden: Get out!

Ed Norton: She went down like a sack of potatoes, huh?

Ralph Kramden: Get outta here, you!

Ed Norton: [ opens the door to leave ] Hey, Ralph, let me ask you one more question – was it uppercut, or across?

Ralph Kramden: Would you get out of here?! [ throws Norton out ]

Alice Kramden: [ comes to, rises slowly from the floor ]

Ralph Kramden: Honey, uh.. I’m awfully sorry.. [ pulls Alice up ] I don’t know why you put up with me, baby.. I know I never buy you anything, and I never take you anywhere.. I know we only have sex about once a year.. honey, could you forgive me? Please?

Alice Kramden: Oh, Ralph..

Ralph Kramden: Baby, you’re the greatest!

[ they kiss, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

George Wendt’s Monologue

George Wendt’s Monologue

…..George Wendt
…..Francis Ford Coppola
…..Terry Sweeney

George Wendt: Thank you. I have to say, this has really been a hectic week for me, quite a contrast from the last few months, you know, when I’ve basically just been sitting around on a bar stool drinking beer all day. Then, of course, before that, I was working very hard on “Cheers”..

Francis Ford Coppola: [ offstage ] Alright – cut! Great!

George Wendt: Why are we stopping now?

Francis Ford Coppola: Oh, don’t worry, George – you were great! But I just want to get one more take, you know, just to be sure?

George Wendt: Well.. that’s kind of a joke, Francis.. I don’t know if they’re gonna laugh again..

Francis Ford Coppola: Don’t worry about it. You stand by. [ turns to the audience ] Folks.. alright, folks, if I could have your attention, please? What we’re trying to do here is create the illusion that the Host, played by George, is going to tell you a joke. George, what’s the funny part?

George Wendt: Uh.. I guess it would be towards the end, Francis.. you know.. I guess that part where I say I’ve been drinking, in a bar.. and the audience thinks, of course, that it was “Cheers”, but I reveal that it wasn’t.. you know, that’s probably the funny part there.

Francis Ford Coppola: Right.. right.. [ to the audience ] So, when he says that, what I want you to do, is, I want you to react by laughing. If you don’t feel like laughing, I want you to go back and remember something from your childhood. It’s called Sense Memory. You remember something that was funny, and then, and then you’ll laugh at the right point. Okay? Okay.. standby, here we go.. ready?

George Wendt: Boy, what a hectic week this has been, you know..? [ audience starts laughing wildly ] Quite a contrast, actually, from the past few months, where, basically, I’ve been sitting around on a bar stool drinking beer all day. [ audience aplauds wildly; George chuckles ] And then, before that, I was working on “Cheers”! [ the punchline dropped, the audience laughs and applauds wildly ] You know.. I’ve been told that “Cheers” is the sitcom for people who don’t really like to watch sitcoms, and I have to believe it’s true, you know? Because, one day, I was at this party, and this guy walked up to me, and – distinguished looking guy, I swear he looked like a brain surgeon, he had the horn-rimmed glasses, salt-and-pepper beard and everything – and he says to me..

Francis Ford Coppola: Alright – cut, cut! That’s wonderful, George!

George Wendt: Wait a minute.. you really want to cut in there? I worked really hard on this monologue..

Francis Ford Coppola: Well, it shows! You did great!

George Wendt: Well.. okay. Alright. Thanks. You’re sure?

Francis Ford Coppola: Don’t worry about it, we’re gonna fix it in the editing.

George Wendt: Great.

Francis Ford Coppola: Go to your room and work on the next scene.

George Wendt: Alright. [ walks offstage ]

Terry Sweeney: Hi, Francis! I’m actor/writer Terry Sweeney.

Francis Ford Coppola: Oh, hi, Terry, how are you?

Terry Sweeney: Fine. Listen.. pardon me for asking, but.. there’s a rumor around that says you’re the boss of the show now.

Francis Ford Coppola: Yeah, I’m directing this show now.

Terry Sweeney: Thank God! Finally, someone who knows what he’s doing! You’ve got to save this sinking ship! Can you do it?

Francis Ford Coppola: [ motions to be taken away from Terry ] Yeah.. thanks a lot, Terry.. I’ve got to move on..

Terry Sweeney: Well, I’ll be here! I’ll be your right hand..!

[ Francis dollies off, as the scene dissolves to the next sketch ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Oprah Winfrey: 04/12/86

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

April 12th, 1986

Oprah Winfrey

Joe Jackson

Penn & Teller

  • Beat Her!

  • Oprah Winfrey’s Monologue

    Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

  • Lookin’ At America Through John Cougar-Mellencamp’s Eyes

  • The Pat Stevens Show

    Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

  • Cabrini Green & Mom

    Recurring Characters: Cabrini Green.

  • Joe Jackson performs “Right & Wrong”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • The Wart Hog

  • “I Play The Maids”

  • Actors on Film

    Recurring Characters: Jimmy Chance, Ashley Ashley.

  • Craig Sundberg, Idiot Savant

  • The Cute Shop

  • Joe Jackson performs “Soul Kiss”

  • One-Shoe Emma

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Oprah Winfrey: 04/12/86: Beat Her!

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 11: Episode 14

    85n: Oprah Winfrey / Joe Jackson

    Beat Her!

    …..Oprah Winfrey
    …..Lorne Michaels
    …..Danitra Vance


    [ LORNE MICHAELS stands outside a dressing room door with a star on it. Below the star, a placard reads 8H7 with the name OPRAH WINFREY. Lorne knocks on the door. ]

    Lorne Michaels: Oprah…

    [ The door opens. Oprah walks through. ]

    Oprah Winfrey: Yes, Lorne?

    Lorne Michaels: They told me in wardrobe you haven’t tried on your Aunt Jemima costume.

    Oprah Winfrey: That’s right.

    Lorne Michaels: Well… don’t you think you should try it on soon? It’s your first sketch.

    Oprah Winfrey: I’m not doing it.

    Lorne Michaels: Really? I think it’s a very, very funny sketch.

    [ Oprah places her hands on her hips. ]

    Oprah Winfrey: Like I said, I don’t do Aunt Jemima. And furthermore, I’m not doing the maid sketch. I’m not doing the Br’er Rabbit sketch. And you can just forget about me in the refrigerator repair sketch.

    [ Oprah turns back to her dressing room and slams the door. ]

    Lorne Michaels: Oprah! Gee…

    [ DANITRA VANCE ambles in, dressed as Celie from The Color Purple, carrying a silver tray with a silver coffee pot and a single porcelain cup. ]

    Danitra Vance: Here’s your coffee you wanted, Mr. Lorne.

    [ Lorne takes the cup. ]

    Lorne Michaels: Thanks, Danitra.

    [ Lorne takes a sip. ]

    Lorne Michaels: Danitra, you’re black?

    Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne.

    [ Lorne takes a moment. ]

    Lorne Michaels: Maybe you could help me out?

    Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne?

    Lorne Michaels: For some reason, Oprah won’t do anything I say.

    Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne?

    Lorne Michaels: Danitra, what do you think I should do?

    [ Danitra bites her lower lip and ponders for a moment. ]

    Danitra Vance: Beat her!

    [ Lorne gives a slight head nod and places the cup back on the tray. Danitra exits. ]

    Lorne Michaels: Oprah, open the door!

    [ The door flies open. Oprah stands in the frame. ]

    Lorne Michaels: Oprah, you’re going to do the sketch or so help me…

    [ Oprah slugs Lorne in the face then chokes him in a headlock. ]

    Oprah Winfrey: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

    Submitted by: Cody Downs

    SNL Transcripts

    Jay Leno’s Monologue

    85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

    Jay Leno’s Monologue

    …..Jay Leno

    Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, JayLeno!

    [Cheers and applause for the dark-haired,lantern-jawed stand-up comedian who, with hisshort-sleeved jacket, vaguely resembles Frankenstein’smonster.]

    Jay Leno: All right! Thank you, thank you,thank you! All right! [Cheers and applause continue.]All right, we didn’t come here to have fun! Settledown! … Good to see, everybody, welcome to the show.Saw a frightening statistic in the paper, this isunbelievable. What do you think the most widely readmagazine in America is? Take a guess.

    Genuine Audience Member: “Us”!

    Jay Leno: No, not “Us.”

    Another Audience Member: “Reader’sDigest”!

    Jay Leno: Used to be “Reader’s Digest”! Now,it’s “TV Guide”! “TV Guide” is now consideredreading in America! … When did this happen? Ithink it happened the same day ketchup became avegetable in this country! … “Are you comin’to bed, dear?” “Oh, in a couple of hours, honey. Ijust want to see who’s on ‘Cross Wits’ for the rest ofthe week. … Put my book marker on Thursday so as notto lose my place.” … I like the new ad campaign:”You need ‘TV Guide’ because TV’s getting morecomplicated every day.” … Boy, you know thereare people out there saying, “We’d like towatch ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’ — we just don’thave the educational background. … If onlythere was a supplement we could follow along with.”…

    I watch my favorite show every day — “People’sCourt”? … [applause for “The People’s Court”] Nowthis – this is like “Attack of the Pinheads,” thisprogram, innit? “He took my pen!” “I did not!” “Hetook my pen!” “You shut up!” I think you should givethe death sentence to some of these people. …You know– and I feel sorry for Judge Wapner. He musttake so much grief from the other judges. I mean, hey– judges are a pretty pompous group. Whenever ya geta bunch of judges in a room, they’ll always try toimpress one another with the important cases they’vehandled. “Well, I remember the essence of the Mirandadecision was essentially that the rights of theindividual should triumph over the needs of– Why,here comes Judge Wapner now! … Hey, Wapner!How’d you make out with that Case of thePuppy-Stained Carpet?!”

    Game shows? You know, there was a time in this countryto be on a game show, you actually had to knowsomethin’, y’know? … Now, they bring back stuff like”The New Dating Game,” “The New Newlywed Game.” Ishould explain how this works. See, although theliteracy rate in this country is low, the networks areworried that it’s not quite low enough. … So, bybringing back shows like “The Dating Game” what theyhope to do is mate genetically inferior people … inthe realization that they will reproduce mutantoffspring … thus ensuring the next generation ofcontestants for these game shows. Yeah. … It’s allin a new book– [applause] All in a new book called”Frontiers of Science” by Bob Eubanks and Dr. WilliamShockley. …

    Now, here’s something. I don’t know. You know,honestly, I like George Kennedy. I like Danny Thomas.Why do they have to try and sell these sleazeballinsurance policies … to the elderly and these poorveterans? “Are you fifty to eighty and thinking aboutlife insurance?” Come on! What eighty-year-old guy isjust thinking about life insurance? … “Youknow, honey, our children are in their sixtiesnow … Well, God forbid if we ever had thatmotorcycle accident, geez, I … just want to knowthose kids are taken care of.” And the benefits! Ifyou’re hospitalized, they pay you fifty dollars a daycash! Fifty dollars! How you gonna spend that kindof dough in the hospital, huh? … “Wanna put anextra stitch in my head, Doc? I’m gettin’ fifty a day,okay?! … Here’s an extra two bucks. You split thatwith the head surgeon.” … Hey, that’s not all.They’ll pay you fifty dollars every day you’rehospitalized — [snaps fingers] — regardless oflength of stay. Hey, let’s be honest. As soon as thishospital finds out you’re only gettin’ fifty bucks aday — [smacks hand with fist] — you’re not gonna behospitalized too much longer, all right, pal? …You’ll be in a roll-away bed in the parking lot by thetime they figure that one out. …

    Any coffee achievers in the room? [brieflyplays air guitar] … Oh, these are the worst. Now,they’re trying to get kids to drink coffee. They showrock star David Bowie drinking coffee. Come on! ToDavid Bowie, a cup o’ coffee is merely asedative at this point. … [applause] Well,that’s the big thing now, innit? Try to get some bigtime celebrity to be a spokesman. Like a Bill Cosbyfor Jell-O, Cliff Robertson for AT&T, those are prettygood. But some of them are embarrassing. I keep seeingthis one: “Here’s Martha Raye — actress, denturewearer.” … Really? Is this really anaccomplishment? Denture wearing? I mean– … Is sheproud to have this on her resume? … “Let’s see, MissRaye, you’ve done theater, film — Oh-oh, I see you’rea denture wearer! … I had no idea your credentialswere quite so extensive, Miss Raye.” … “Here’s CarlSagan — astronomer, philosopher, hemorrhoidsufferer!” … I think he’s doin’ a hell of a jobthere. [applause]

    Oh, I always get annoyed when I see celebrities try totake advantage of the character they play on TV. Who’sthis guy, Chris somethin’, does an ad for Vicks? “I’mnot a doctor — [raises a hand] — although I play oneon TV.” … Not a doctor?! Hey, pal, I’ve seen yourshow! You’re not even an actor! … [cheers andapplause] Thank you.

    Anybody buy any new Time-Life Books? “The GreatGunfighters”! “World War Two, the Hitler Era” — thisis all part of the new Time-Life atrocity series. …My favorite is “The Great Gunfighters”: “Read aboutJohn – John Wesley Harding, so mean he once shot a manjust for snorin’.” Is this really responsiblejournalism on the part of “Time”? … What are thesepeople gonna write about the 1980s a hundred yearsfrom now? “Read about John Hinckley, Jr., an hombre soornery — he once shot a president, [folksy voice]just so he could meet a pretty gal.” …[applause]

    And Hinckley – Hinckley’s getting married. You allknow about this? It was in “People” Magazine so itmust be true. … Hinckley met a woman at the prisonwhere he’s incarcerated. Kind of your classic lovestory there. … She’s a convicted murderer. And, ofcourse, Hinckley’s an attempted murderer. You know, Ihope this doesn’t cause problems in their marriage.Sometimes a lot of guys can’t handle it when the wifeis more successful. … [applause]

    Manson denied parole again last week. Boy, this mustcome as quite a shock, huh? Gee … I mean, does theboard even have to meet to even decide thisone? … Couldn’t they pretty much phone this one in?… I mean, does Manson think he has a chance?Huh? Does he try to get a parole? I mean, whatdoes a guy like Manson even say to his cell matebefore he meets with the parole board? [prissilyfusses with his necktie] “Gee, what do you think, Bob?The blue tie? … Too busy?” [puts his pinky in hismouth] … Manson was injured recently in prison. Youread about this? True story. A fellow inmate threwgasoline on him and set him on fire during areligious argument. … Here’s a couple ofmajor theologians for ya. … [applause] Gee, I – Iwonder what part of the Scriptures they were havingtrouble with when one threw gasoline on the otherone’s face and set him on fire?! “Still think it’sMatthew 10?!” [mimes throwing bucket of gas] “Heeeey!”[covers face with hands] …

    Hey, listen, we got a great show! The Neville Brothersand Mike the Dog! And me! Stick around!

    [Cheers and applause. The SNL Band kicks in with whatsounds like the bass riff from Henry Mancini’s “Themefrom Peter Gunn” as we go tocommercial.]

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts

    Observational Stand-Ups II

    85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

    Observational Stand-Ups II

    Steve…..Dennis Miller
    Bob…..Jon Lovitz
    Keith…..Damon Wayans
    Jackie Niles…..Jay Leno

    [ open on a group of Seinfeldian comedians, dressed in jeans and sport jackets, hanging around the backstage area before their sets. Bob reaches for the pay phone, as Keith and ?? spot him. ]

    Steve: Hey, Bob! Killer set!

    Bob: Hey! Hot crowd!

    Steve: Yeah! Hey! You’re not gonna believe what just happened to me at the store!

    Bob: Well, hey! Fill me in!

    Steve: Hey! I’m shopping for jackets, and I’m thinking, “Hey! Why do they call it a sport jacket?”

    Bob: Hey! You don’t play sports in them!

    Steve: No way!

    Keith: Hey! Maybe they should call them “walking around” jackets!

    Bob: Yeah! Or “going out to a decent restaurant” jacket! Hey!

    Keith: But, what I want to know is, what’s the deal with dinner jackets?

    Steve: What do you mean?

    Keith: I mean, hey! What if you wear a dinner jacket to lunch? Does the maitre’d make you take it off?

    Bob: Yeah! I mean, hey! Does he make you wear a lunch jacket?

    Steve: Hey! Great tag!

    Bob: Hey! Thanks!

    Steve: And, speaking of breakfast – hey! Let’s take a walk down Java Lane!

    Together: Hey! Hey! Hey!

    [ the three of them jaunt over to a table with a coffee machine ]

    Bob: Hey! Everybody having a good time?

    Steve: Hey! Yeah!

    Keith: Hey! It’s great to be here!

    Bob: Yeah! Hey! You ever think about those coffee tasters in Columbia?

    Steve: Hey! What do you mean?

    Bob: I mean, hey! What do they do on their offee breaks? Work for fifteen minutes? Hey! I want to know!

    Keith: Hey! What I want to know is, what about Mr. Coffee? Who does he hang out with? Mr. T?

    Bob: Yeah!

    Keith: Hey!

    Steve: And who does he bowl with? Mr. Cup-A-Soup?

    Bob: Yeah! And, hey! Guys! Why do they always say, “Fill it to the rim with Brim”? I mean, hey! If you fill it to the rim, it spills when you drink it!

    Steve: Hey! Maybe they should say, “Fill it almost to the rim with Brim, because I don’t want a lapful of Joe!”

    Bob: Yeah! Hey, Keith! Great tie!

    Keith: Hey, babe! Thanks!

    Bob: Sure! Hey! You guys ever think about the existence of God?

    Keith: Yeah!

    Steve: Hey! Sure! I mean, hey! How do we know we’re not just on this planet by some accident of nature?

    Keith: Hey! Hey! I mean, hey! I guess life is just a series of unmissed — [ stumbling ] ..unanswered mysteries!

    Steve: Exactly!

    Keith: [ trying not to crack himself up ] Yeah! Hey! Sit tight! Like, what’s the deal with Fred Flintstone’s feet?

    Bob: I mean, hey! You could fit forty of Wilma’s feet into one of Fred’s! And, hey! He’s only got three toes!

    Steve: Hey! Maybe he wore out the other two toes starting the car!

    Bob: Hey!

    [ older comedian, Jackie Niles, dressed in a blue tuxedo and chomping on a cigar, enters the backstage area ]

    Jackie Niles: Hello, fellas!

    Keith: Hey, look! It’s Jackie Niles!

    Steve: Hey, Jack! You gonna do a set?

    Jackie Niles: No, no, I’m not doing a set tonight, fellas. I’m just in town, but I’ll tell you one thing – I’m staying in a fancy hotel, a very fancy hotel – it’s fabulous, it’s fabulous. I tell you, very expensive – I dropped a quarter, the bellman picked it up, I had to give him a fifty-cent tip. What do you think of that, boys?

    [ the observational comics laugh at Jackie’s jokes ]

    Jackie Niles: You know, but I love what you new kids are doing with the comedy – conceptualizing it, you know? And, you.. [ points to Keith ], the colored fellow – you remind me of Slap Meat Higgins. You remember Slap Meat Higgins? He was a fabulous, fabuolus comic. And the way you do, what do you call – the improvisation. You know, in my day, you hit a fellow with a pie, it was funny. Today, you kids, you want to know why you hit him with the pie, what’s the motivation for the pie? And I think that’s fabulous.

    And the dances the kids are doing today. I see that Twist, the Mashed Potato, they’re doing the home fries, they’re doing everything, I tell you. And the hair! The hair is so long, you can’t tell the boys from the girls! I saw a fellow walking down the street the other day – he looked like a Jack, he acted like a Jill, he smelled like a John! I didn’t know what hteh eck was going on!

    I’ll tell you something – I’ll tell oyu right now! I’ll tell you this right now, fellows – they’re the only kids we got, and God bless them, huh? And, listen, when you get out to the Coast, you just call me – Jackie, huh? [ hands them his cards ] Go ahead there, you get yourself a little something!

    Steve: Thanks, Jackie!

    Jackie Niles: I gotta run! I gotta run!

    Steve: Hey! What a great guy!

    Bob: Hey! He really opened up to us!

    Keith: I mean, hey! I sense his wisdom already!

    Steve: Hey! I could have listened to him all night!

    Bob: Yeah! Hey! What about that easy listening music?

    Keith: Well, what do you mean?

    Bob: I mean, what’s so easy about listening to Ray Conniff? Hey!

    Steve: Hey, no way! I mean, hey! Hey!

    [ they laugh with one another, and exit the backstage area as the scene fades ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Jay’s Evil Twin

    85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

    Jay’s Evil Twin

    Kate…..Joan Cusack
    …..Jay Leno

    [ open on dark, empty apartment, as Jay Leno and his date Kate enter, turn on the lights and sit on the couch in the center of the room ]

    Kate: Oh, Jay.. I had a wonderful time tonight.

    Jay Leno: Well, you know, I.. I ould see “Unmarried Woman” fifty times.

    Kate: Oh, I know, it was really great. Jay, your commitment to feminism is so strong.

    Jay Leno: Oh, it’s not really feminism, so much, Kate, as it is, I guess.. people. You know, I guess you could say I’m a people person. But, listen – before we read aloud from “Our Bodies Ourselves”.. [ picks up book from coffee table ] ..can I, uh.. can I offer you a little herbal tea?

    Kate: Oh, Jay, that would be wonderful!

    Jay Leno: And then, once we’ve been warmed by the tea.. [ apprehensively ] ..possibly, you and I could, uh.. make loves?

    Kate: Oh. [ a pause ] Jay, you’re such a good, good man.. and I’m tempted, but.. I don’t believe in making love until I get to know someone very, very well.

    Jay Leno: Oh, Kate, Kate, you don’t know how glad that makes me feel! Alright, look – it was a cruel test, but I just had to be sure that you feel the same way I do about making love too soon. Listen, hey – how about that tea now, huh?

    Kate: I’d love it.

    Jay Leno: Alright! [ retreats to the kitchen ] [ Kate waits on the couch, reflecting on the wonderful man she’s dating, when a man who looks exactly like Jay, except with a moustache, steps out of the kitchen holding a can of beer ]

    Jay’s Evil Twin: What’s the matter, baby? Still got your clothes on? [ releases an evil laugh as he shakes the beer can ]

    Kate: Oh, uh.. I don’t want that beer.. I.. no, thank you, Jay.

    Jay’s Evil Twin: [ releases an evil laugh ] Wet t-shirt contest, baby? [ pulls the tab on the beer can, gushing beer all over Kate’s clothes ]

    Kate: Why! You’re not Jay! You’re Wade, his evil twin!

    Jay’s Evil Twin: [ releases an evil laugh ] Jay – that little weasel! That sniveling druid! What kind of a man would read “Our Bodies Ourselves”? I’ve got my own version of that book, baby – it’s called “Your Body Myself!” [ releases an evil laugh ]

    Kate: Ohhh, that’s evil! You’re an evil, evil man! [ runs quickly out of the apartment ]

    Jay Leno: [ releases an evil laugh, as he peels the fake moustache off his upper lip ] You know.. I had a hunch that dame wasn’t going to come across on the first date. You know, this evil twin thing works every time – I could have blown three hours and who knows how much dough on that girl. But, anyway.. [ checks his watch ] My God, it’s still early.. I can still go to Hef’s place, maybe meet somebody else there. See you later. [ releases evil laugh as he exits the apartment ] [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts