SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86: Anjelica Huston’s Monologue



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  Season 25: Episode 18




85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic

Anjelica Huston’s Monologue

…..Anjelica Huston
…..Anthony Michael Hall
Mephistopheles…..Jon Lovitz
…..Billy Martin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Anjelica Huston!

Anjelica Huston: Thank you! Thank you, this is really a thrill for me, hosting the show. It’s my first time on live television, except, of course, at the Oscars. [ the audience applauds ] I have to say “Thank you.” – you saw it. Of course, I was tremendously honored, and belated, and everything else – uh, until the next morning when someone reminded me of the curse of the Oscars. Now, at first I thought that’s realy stupid. How could there be a curse on winning an Academy Award? Then, tonight, it hit me: I’m hosting “Saturday Night.” Anyway, I’ve never done this, I’ve never stood on a stage and actually told jokes. But I’m going to try. so here goes:

Imelda Marcos and Bob Geldof are on a raft. And their supplies are running out. Then they see a dock, so they paddle furiously —

[ cut to backstage, where Huston can be seen on a monitor delivering her monologue as Anthony Michael Hall walks down the corridor ]

Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, she’s funny. [ stops when he ses Billy Martin dressing in front of a locker ] Angelica’s doing great, huh? She’s really beautiful.

Billy Martin: She is.

Anthony Michael Hall: Is she the host tonight, Billy? Because I thought you were.

Billy Martin: We kinda both are – I guess.

Anthony Michael Hall: I think it’s great that you’re here, you know, and that, uh, Lorne and the show is taking such a big risk on you.

Billy Martin: Oh, thanks.

Anthony Michael Hall: Yeah. Oh, I hate to ask you this, Billy, but could you do me a favor, man? [ pulls a baseball out of his inside jacket pocket ] Could you autograph this ball?

Billy Martin: Oh sure, I’d be glad to. Hey, this is an old one, isn’t it?

Anthony Michael Hall: Yeah, it’s the third home run ball that Reggie hit in the ’77 World Series. You remember that?

Billy Martin: Yeah. Did you catch this ball?

Anthony Michael Hall: No, no. Actually, my businessman bought the ball. My business manager – excuse me, Billy. At an auction. so, uh – yeah, it’s kind of an investment thing.

Billy Martin: Oh, I see. [ signs the ball ] [ fake audience laughter can be heard from the inside studio ]

Anthony Michael Hall: So, you managing a team now, Billy?

Billy Martin: No, not at this moment.

Anthony Michael Hall: Why? Because nobody wants you, and they feel you can’t hold down a job?

Billy Martin: You know, it’s a good thing I’ve changed. The old self-destructive Billy Martin would have punched a guy out for saying something like that.

Anthony Michael Hall: Sorry, Billy.

Billy Martin: Aw, it’s okay. I have a new attitude these days. I had some time to reflect on things, get a new outlook, met a wonderful woman —

Anthony Michael Hall: Alright!

Billy Martin: I’ll tell you – my whole life’s in upswing now. I’ve wrassled with my demons, and I’ve won.

Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, that’s great! I’m really glad to hear that, Billy. I need that ball back, and that pen. [ Billy returns the items ] Thanks for the autograph, Billy, I gotta run! [ exits corridor ]

Billy Martin: You’re welcome. You’re welcome.

[ suddenly, Mephistopheles materializes behind Billy ]

Billy Martin: You again?

Mephistopheles: Yes, Billy. Nice to see you. [ notices the laughter coming from the studio ] Well, you’ve sunk to a new low, hosting a comedy show.

Billy Martin: Hey, I’m having a good time out here. They’re really nice to me.

Mephistopheles: You’d better face facts, Billy – they only invited you here to humiliate you. They just want to see how far they can push you before you explode.

Billy Martin: That’s not true. The producer here likes me. You know, Lorne Michaels knows that a man can change.

Mephistopheles: [ laughs maniacally ]

Billy Martin: Get out of here!

Mephistopheles: [ laughs, coughs, dematerializes ] [ audience applause can be heard from the inside studio, as Huston enters the corridor and stops next to Billy ]

Billy Martin: You look like you went over big out there!

Anjelica Huston: Well, God, I was so nervous at first, but then it was like the audience reached out and embraced me. I’ve never felt such warmth and affection and.. approval. I was just basking in it!

Billy Martin: Well, good for you.

Anjelica Huston: Well, I hope you weren’t offended by that joke I did – I mean, you know, about how you can’t hold down a job?

Billy Martin: Oh, I know that, I —

Anjelica Huston: It wasn’t anything personal.

Billy Martin: Oh, I know. I know. Yeah.

Anjelica Huston: Well, I just can’t tell you what a charge– that is. Live TV!

Billy Martin: Yeah! And you’re gonna see a new Billy Martin tonight.

SNL Transcripts

The Honeymooners: The Lost Episodes


The Honeymooners: The Lost Episodes

Ralph Kramden…..George Wendt
Alice Kramden…..Nora Dunn
Ed Norton…..Anthony Michael Hall


[ open on Alice in the kitchen, as Ralph attempts to come through the front door ] [ Alice goes to open the door, for Ralph, but he enters the room from behind a side wall of the set ]

Ralph Kramden: Alice, I’m home! [ laughing ] I was hiding in the bedroom the whole time! Honey, where’s my eats – I’m going bowling tonight!

Alice Kramden: Here you go, Ralph. [ places a small container in front of him ]

Ralph Kramden: What’s this?

Alice Kramden: Tuna fish.

Ralph Kramden: Tuna fish?

Alice Kramden: Well, my mambo lesson ran late, I didn’t have time to fix you a hot dinner.

Ralph Kramden: Mambo lessons? Mambo lessons?! All day long, I’ve been driving up and down Madison Avenue in that bus, when I come home I can’t have a hot supper because you’re taking mambo lessons?!

[ a knock at the door ]

Alice Kramden: Get the door, Ralph.

[ Ralph answers the door, letting Ed Norton enter ]

Ed Norton: Hey, what you say there, Ralphie boy? [ sets up a turntable near the front door ] I think I’ve got this thing figured out, Alice! [ puts a mambo record on, as he and Alice practice their dance moves ]

Ralph Kramden: Will you come on with that?! [ hits Norton, who stumbles into the record player ] This is too much! This time you’ve pushed me too far!

Alice Kramden: Oh, Ralph.. the only way I can push you is if I had a bulldozer.

Ralph Kramden: You’re a riot, Alice.. you’re a regular riot. One of these days, Alice, I’m telling you.. one of these days!

Alice Kramden: One of these days, what, Ralph? Your gut’s gonna hang over the top of your shoes?

Ralph Kramden: [ grumbles ] Bang, zoom – to the moon, Alice! to the moon!

Alice Kramden: Ha ha, hardy ha ha! You know, you’ve been saying that for years, Ralph. You’re all talk and no action! You’re just a big windbag!

Ralph Kramden: [ peeved once and for all, Ralph finally smacks Alice right in the jaw, knocking her to the floor ]

Ed Norton: Hey, Ralph? I never actually saw you connect before, Ralph!

Ralph Kramden: Get out!

Ed Norton: She went down like a sack of potatoes, huh?

Ralph Kramden: Get outta here, you!

Ed Norton: [ opens the door to leave ] Hey, Ralph, let me ask you one more question – was it uppercut, or across?

Ralph Kramden: Would you get out of here?! [ throws Norton out ]

Alice Kramden: [ comes to, rises slowly from the floor ]

Ralph Kramden: Honey, uh.. I’m awfully sorry.. [ pulls Alice up ] I don’t know why you put up with me, baby.. I know I never buy you anything, and I never take you anywhere.. I know we only have sex about once a year.. honey, could you forgive me? Please?

Alice Kramden: Oh, Ralph..

Ralph Kramden: Baby, you’re the greatest!

[ they kiss, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts