Unconditional Love


Unconditional Love

…..Tony Danza
…..Joan Cusack


[ open on interior, bedroom ]

Wife: I love you so much!

Husband: I love you!

Wife: I love you more!

Husband: I love you more!

Wife: No, I love you more. You have no idea how much I love you.

Husband: Oh, yes, I do!

Wife: No, you don’t. Because I have no idea! How much do you love me?

Husband: A lot!

Wife: Just a lot?

Husband: Well, what do you want me to say?

Wife: I want you to say you love me more than anything in the world!

Husband: I love you more than anything in the world!

Wife: You’re just saying that.

Husband: Kathy, come on.. I really do love you. I love you, I love you, I love you!

Wife: More than the Knicks?

Husband: [ thinking ] Well.. this year! [ laughs ] I love you!

Wife: Why? Why do you love me?

Husband: Why? Well, because.. because you’re beautiful.. and because you’re wonderful.. and because you’re terrific.. and because you have a really great.. [ looks at her chest ] uh.. you’re loveable! you’re loveable, that’s all.. [ she remains silent ] What?

Wife: You don’t love me for me! What if I was fat? Would you love me if I was 300 pounds?

Husband: Your breasts would be bigger! [ laughs ]

Wife: Come on!

Husband: I’m joking! I’m joking here!

Wife: Would you love me if I was six inches tall, and you had to carry me around in a shoebox?

Husband: I love you!

Wife: What if my arm was 40 feet long, and you had to move it around in a truck.

Husband: Okay.. you talk so big? You talk big? Let me ask you something – would you love me if I was going bald?

Wife: [ thinking ] I would love you if everything you touched turned bald.

Husband: [ impressed ] Ooohhhh! I love you, I love you!

Wife: Would you love me if I refused to ever have sex with you again?

Husband: In a different way..

Wife: Would you love me if I hated you?

Husband: Now, wait a second!

Wife: Answer the question!

Husband: Wait a second..

Wife: God! You have to think about it?

Husband: No! I love you! I love you!

Wife: Would you.. love me if I was seeing someone else?

Husband: [ caught off guard ] What?

Wife: Would you love me if I was seeing someone on and off for the last eleven weeks, more on than off?

Husband: Now, now, now.. wait a minute, what’s going on here?!

Wife: Just answer the question. [ phone rings ] That could be him.

[ phone rings again ]

Husband: Answer the phone!

Wife: Answer my question!

Husband: [ reaches over the bed, grabs the phone and slams it to the ground ]

Wife: Why, you crazy.. [ she picks the phone up from the ground ] Hello? Oh, hi, Mrs. Scarpelli. Yeah, he’s right here, hold on a second..

Husband: [ takes the phone ] Hi, Mom! [ laughs ] No, Mom, everything’s fine, everything’s okay! I just dropped it down by accident! Yeah. Yes, Mom, I love you. Yes. A lot! Oh, come on, Mom..!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Air Date:

Host:



Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

May 10th, 1986

Paul Simon

Catherine Oxenberg

Ladysmith Black Mambazo

Penn & Teller

  • Paul Simon performs “You Can Call Me Al”

  • Catherine Oxenbergs’ Monologue

  • Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier

  • Shackled Prisoners

  • The Late Show with Joan Rivers

    Recurring Characters: Joan Rivers.

  • The Limits of the Imagination

  • Dirk Landers

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • Paul Simon & Ladysmith Black Mambazo sing “Homeless”

  • Penn & Teller

  • The Pathological Liar

    Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

  • Brim Decaffienated

  • A Mothers Day’s Message

  • Trojans

    (Repeat) See: 11/16/85.

  • Paul Simon performs “Graceland”

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Jimmy Breslin & Marvin Hagler: 05/17/86


    Air Date:

    Host:



    Musical Guest:



    Special Guests:

    May 17th, 1986

    Jimmy Breslin

    Marvin Hagler

    Level 42

    E.G. Daily

    Sam Kinison

  • Anthony Michael Hall vs. Marvin Hagler

    Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

  • Jimmy Breslin & Marvin Hagler’s Monologue

  • Submarine

    Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.

  • Tornadoville

  • Marvin Hagler’s Tips for the Knocked Out

  • Bond Villains Talk Show

  • Level 42 performs “Something About You”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • Lone Wolf McCord

  • Sam Kinison Stand-Up

  • The Pat Stevens Show

    Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

  • Cabrini Green

    Recurring Characters: Cabrini Green.

  • Flight Attendant Jody Hagler

  • E.G. Daily sings “Say It, Say It”

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Pee Wee Herman: 05/17/86: Level 42 performs “Something About You”



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 11: Episode 17


    85q: Jimmy Breslin & Marvin Hagler / Level 42, E.G. Daily

    Level 42 performs “Something About You”

    …..Jimmy Breslin
    …..Level 42

    JIMMY BRESLIN, still dressed as Auric Goldfinger from the previous sketch but without the blazer or wig, stands on home base.

    Jimmy Breslin: Ladies and gentleman — Level 42!

    [ Breslin points his entire right arm to the musical stage and faces it. The camera slowly pans over to LEVEL 42 (composed of lead vocalist/bassist Mark King, keyboardist Mike Lindup, guitarist Boon Gould, drummer Phil Gould, guest saxophonist Krys Mach and guest vocalist Annie McCaig) begin playing “Something About You”. Breslin stands at home base motionless. Before the camera gets away from any view of home base, a stage hand motions for Breslin to come backstage. Breslin scurries off. King plays the opening bass riff over and over. ]

    Level 42: [singing]“Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh”

    Mark King: [singing]“How
    How can it be?
    That a love
    Carved out of caring
    Fashioned by fate
    Could suffer so hard
    From the games
    Played much too often
    But making mistakes
    Is a part
    Of life’s imperfections
    Born of the years
    Is it so wrong
    To be human after all?”

    Level 42: [singing]“Born into the stream
    Of undefined illusion
    Those diamond rings
    They can’t disguise the truth”

    Mark King/Level 42: [singing]“That there is something about you,
    Baby, so right
    I couldn’t be here without you,
    Baby, tonight”

    Mark King: [singing]
    “If ever our love
    Was concealed
    No one can say
    That we didn’t feel
    A million things
    And a perfect dream of life
    Gone
    Fragile but free
    We remain
    Tender together
    If not so in love
    It’s not so wrong
    We’re only human after all”

    Level 42: [singing]“These changing years
    They add to your confusion
    Oh and you need to hear
    The time that told the truth”

    Mark King/Level 42: [singing]“Because there’s something about you,
    The way you are so right
    (Baby)
    I couldn’t live without you
    (I couldn’t live without you)
    Baby, here tonight”

    Level 42: [singing]“Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh,
    Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh”

    Mark King: [singing]“And that there’s something about you, yea”

    Level 42: [singing]“Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh”

    Mark King: [singing]“And I couldn’t live without you, tonight”

    Level 42: [singing]“Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh”

    [The audience cheers and applauds. Mark King smiles and nods on behalf of the band. Dissolve to Edie Baskin’s portrait of Level 42’s four main members — posing on the main floor at the center of 30 Rockefeller Plaza.]FADE OUT

    Submitted by: Cody Downs

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 11: Episode 18


    This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>








    Air Date:

    Host:



    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    Cameos:


    May 24th, 1986

    Anjelica Huston

    Billy Martin

    George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic

    None

    Lorne Michaels

    Hands Across AmericaSummary: While running a cross-country sprint, one-legged Kevin Brennan (Randy Quaid) hits a roadblock in the form of a chain of Hands Across America participants who won’t let him through.

    Transcript

    Montage

    Anjelica Huston’s MonologueSummary: Anjelica Huston attempts to tell a joke while, backstage, Billy Martin assures Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) that he’s a changed man.

    Recurring Characters: Mephistopheles.

    Transcript

    The People’s Second Choice AwardsSummary: America’s favorite runner-ups are saluted by emcee Ed McMahon (Randy Quaid).

    Recurring Characters: Ed McMahon.

    Moments of DoubtSummary: While having breakfast together, a husband (Randy Quaid0, his wife (Anjelica Huston), their daughter (Joan Cusack) and the family dog contemplate the idea that they may have wasted their lives.

    Glamourous DrinkingSummary: Lorne Michaels introduces a sketch that was cut from last week’s show because it glamourized drinking.

    National Council of Liquor and SpiritsSummary: (Randy Quaid) offers a rebuttal to the previous sketch.

    Actors on FilmSummary: Jimmy Chance (Robert Downey, Jr.) and Ashley Ashley (Nora Dunn) praise the off-camera acting not seen in “Witness.”

    Recurring Characters: Jimmy Chance, Ashley Ashley.

    Hallmark Organized Crime CardsSummary: Maerose Prizzi (Anjelica Huston) reads from a selection of Hallmark’s Organized Crime greeting card collection.

    George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic perform “Let’s Take it to the Stage”

    Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Al Franken returns to comment on the Al Franken Decade and to urge viewers to see his new movie, “One More Saturday Night.” A. Whitney Brown delivers The Big Picture on the uninformed Class of 1986. Father Guido Sarducci narrates as the Weekend Update Dancers emulate the Statue of Liberty.

    Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

    Lesbian BarSummary:

    Bocce Ball My WaySummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) plugs his how-to video.

    Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

    Tempting BillySummary: Billy Martin objects when Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) hides alcohol in his wardrobe.

    Recurring Characters: Mephistopheles.

    Note: At one point, Jon Lovitz simultaneously performs his Mephistopheles and Tommy Flanagan characters.

    Transcript

    Damon Wayans Stand-UpSummary: Damon Wayons returns to Studio 8-H to perform stand-up about racism in America and one-liners from his childhood insult contests.

    Note: Damon Wayans returns as a guest just two months after being fired from “SNL” for improvising in the “Mr. Monopoly” sketch.

    Note: In the “Live From, New York” book, Damon Wayans incorrectly remembers this performance as taking place on the episode hosted by Dudley Moore four months earlier, and having felt self-concious about doing a clubfoot joke in Moore’s presence.

    Book MinuteSummary: (Danitra Vance) has updated the nursery rhymes of Mother Goose to reflect upon the realism of growing up in the ghetto.

    LaBelles at the MoviesSummary: Patti LaBelle (Terry Sweeney) and her aunt (Danitra Vance) talk loudly to one another in a crowded movie theater.

    My FriendSummary: Tracy (Joan Cusack) tells Dana (Danitra Vance) about her close, personal friend, Colonel Sanders (Billy Martin), then introduces her when he drops by for a visit. The sketch is unfortunately ruined when a drunken Billy Martin slurs his lines, so Lorne Michaels comes out and fires him on live television.

    Transcript

    George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic perform “Do Fries Go With That Shake”

    GoodnightsSummary: After being fired, Billy Martin decides to set the studio on fire and take the show with him. Lorne Michaels hurriedly rescues his star performer, Jon Lovitz, before letting the remainder of the cast perish in the flames. Will other cast members survive? Tune in October 11th to find out!

    Note: Brandon Tartikoff had made up his mind to cancel “SNL” once and for all after this lackluster season, but Lorne Michaels pleaded for – and won – one final chance to revive the show. Nora Dunn and Dennis Miller escaped the fire and returned with Jon Lovitz the following season.

    Transcript

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86: My Friend



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 25: Episode 18





    85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic

    My Friend

    Tracy…..Joan Cusack
    Dana…..Danitra Vance
    Colonel Sanders…..Billy Martin
    …..Lorne Michaels
    Mephistopheles…..Jon Lovitz

    [ open on Tracy and Dana talking in a kitchen. Dana is seated, as Tracy pours another cup of coffee. ]

    Tracy: The main thing is to give yourself a little slack, Dana. [ she sits at the table ] You can’t expect to solve all of the world’s problems by yourself.

    Dana: I know – you’re right, as usual. But, you know.. boy.. I really am glad I have you to listen to my problems, because I’d be in bad shape if it wasn’t for you.

    Tracy: Oh, come on!

    Dana: No, really! You know, you have such a great outlook on life.

    Tracy: Well, thanks.

    Dana: And, now, what happens when you have a problem? Do you have a friend that you can talk things over with?

    Tracy: A friend? [ sentimental piano music begins to play ] Yes, I suppose you could call him a.. “friend.” In fact, I have to say he’s the best “friend” I’ve ever had.

    Dana: Oh, that’s great! Your friend, uh, does he live here in town?

    Tracy: Yes, in a way, he does live here in town. You might even say he’s been around here longer than you or I have.

    Dana: Ohhh, sounds like an older guy.

    Tracy: Yes, I.. suppose you could say he’s old in years, and I guess some people might even say he’s old-fashioned or behind the times, but.. you know something? Sometimes I find the things he says are just as timely as today’s newspapers.

    Dana: I’d like to meet your friend. Where does he live?

    Tracy: Oh. I bet you’ve walked by his.. “house” many times without even realizing it. In fact, my “friend” has lots of.. “houses” all over the world.

    Dana: [ impressed ] Ohhh, sounds like a rich guy.

    Tracy: Rich? Oh, I suppose he’s rich, in a way. But, in another sense, he has no use for gold or silver —

    Dana: Well. I’d like to meet your friend sometime, to talk to him.

    Tracy: I try to talk to my “friend” at least once a day. And, you know, it makes me feel better. Maybe you’d like to join me today.

    Dana: [ excited ] Oh! Oh, sure, but.. I’d have to change. You know, I’m not really dressed up.

    Tracy: You know, I have a funny feeling my “friend” won’t mind at all! [ a knock is heard at the door ] Huh? He’s here early today!

    [ Tracy stands, as Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame enters through the kitchen door ]

    Dana: Hello there!

    Tracy: Dana, Colonel Sanders – Colonel Sanders, Dana!

    Dana: Hi!

    Colonel Sanders: Hi.

    Dana: Oh, Tracy’s given me a really big build-up about you!

    Colonel Sanders: Well, it’s an honor to meet you, Dana. Oh, what did she say, I’m Superman and Phil Donahue all rolled up in one?

    Tracy: [ rubs Colonel Sanders’ shoulder ] Oh, well, you are, aren’t you?

    Colonel Sanders: Well, well, I’m relaly just a good listener. That’s so rare these days. Uh.. so, Dana, uh – uh – what’s your name? [ Billy Martin breaks character ] Hey, can we do this over? I think I can do it —

    Joan Cusack: [ breaks character ] Billy, Billy! Billy, you’re drunk!

    Billy Martin: I had two beers!

    Danitra Vance: [ breaks character ] Oh, you promised, Billy!

    Tracy: Oh, Billy, how could you do this?! Not to us, but to yourself?!

    Billy Martin: [ defensive ] I just had two beers!!

    Tracy & Dana: Ohhhh!!

    [ Joan and Danitra stomp off the set, as Billy looks dumbfounded behind his Colonel Sanders make-up ] [ Lorne Michaels storms onto the set ]

    Lorne Michaels: Billy, that’s it! You can’t do live television! You’re blowing cues all night – you’re fired! Outta here! [ storms away ]

    Billy Martin: [ waving his arms ] Good! Good!! I don’t want your charity! The hell with ya! [ overturns the kitchen table, then storms off the opposite side of the set ] [ the head of Mephistopheles materializes at the center of the screen, laughing and coughing maniacally ] [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86: Goodnights



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 25: Episode 18





    85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic

    Goodnights

    …..Lorne Michaels
    …..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
    …..Anjelica Huston
    …..Billy Martin

    [ open on interior, Cast Dressing Room – cast members putting their things away before the Cast Party after the show ]

    Randy Quaid: [ entering ] Hey, hey, hey, good show, everybody!

    [ the cast applaud themselves and pass high-fives around ]

    Dennis Miller: All over but the Goodnights, huh?

    Nora Dunn: Ah, it’s hard to believe we’re not gonna be back here until next October!

    Robert Downey, Jr.: Wow..

    Danitra Vance: Yeah, it’s really strange!

    Terry Sweeney: Hey, I’m gonna miss all of you this summer..

    [ everyone shares the sentiment ]

    Robert Downey, Jr.: Hey, I don’t know about you guys, but I am pumped for next year!

    Everyone: Yeah!!

    Randy Quaid: Hey, hey – uh, does anybody smell gasoline?

    [ cut to exterior, Cast Dressing Room – Billy Martin dousing the exit door and surrounding walls with gasoline. Lorne Michaels approaches. ]

    Lorne Michaels: Billy! What are you doing?

    Billy Martin: I’m setting the room on fire. That’s what I’m doing!

    Lorne Michaels: [ confused ] What do you mean?

    Billy Martin: What do I mean? Listen, Michaels – if I’m fired, then I’m taking the cast with me!

    Lorne Michaels: Billy, are you crazy? If you set the cast on fire, they won’t be able to do the show next year.

    Billy Martin: That’s right, bigshot! [ lights a match, sparking a fire in the hall, then runs off ]

    Lorne Michaels: [ moderately desperate ] I’ve got to go in there. [ enters Dressing Room, then quickly emerges with a startled Jon Lovitz ]

    Jon Lovitz: What are you doing? I’ve gotta wave goodbye!

    Lorne Michaels: Don’t ask any questions, Jon! Just go downstairs to my limosine and wait for me there. [ Jon obeys and exits ] Writers! Writers!

    [ three yuppie writers come down the hall ]

    Writers: Yes, Mr. Michaels?

    Lorne Michaels: Uh.. there’s some candy and chocolates in the dressing room – go in there and help yourself..

    Writers: Oh, thank you! [ enter the Dressing Room ]

    Lorne Michaels: Great job this year! Help yourself! [ closes the door behind them, then rushes off ] [ cut to Center Stage, Anjelica Huston and Parliament Funk ready for the Goodnights ]

    Anjelica Huston: Is Billy Martin around?

    Billy Martin: [ walks up, covered in smoke stains ] Here I am!

    Anjelica Huston: Oh, Billy. Billy, are you okay?

    Billy Martin: I never felt better!

    Anjelica Huston: Well, me, too! Goodnight, everybody!

    Billy Martin: Goodnight!

    [ cue Closing Music ] [ dissolve to Cast Dressing Room – remaining cast trapped by the smoldering flames ] [ SUPER: “Who Will Survive?” ] [ SUPER: “Who Will Perish?” ] [ SUPER: “Tune in October 11th” ] [ credits roll, reading “Executive Producer: Lorne Michaels? – Producers: Al Franken? Tom Davis?” and so on, until a giant red “?” appears in the middle of the screen ] [ fade out ]

    SNL Transcripts

    The Pathological Liar Picks Up Jerry Hall


    The Pathological Liar Picks Up Jerry Hall

    …..Jerry Hall
    Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz
    …..Mick Jagger


    Bartender: What can I get you?

    Jerry Hall: Uh.. I think I’ll have a white wine spritzer. [ he places it on the counter and moves aside ] Can I get a light? [ pulls out a cigarette ]

    Tommy Flanagan: [ swaying next to her with a cigarette lighter extended toward her ] I got it!

    Jerry Hall: Thank you.

    Tommy Flanagan: My name’s Tommy, Dr. Tom.. uh.. Senator Tommy Flanagan.

    Jerry Hall: Really?

    Tommy Flanagan: Mmm hmm.. Say, haven’t I seen you somewhere before?

    Jerry Hall: I doubt it.

    Tommy Flanagan: Oh, I know! I saw you at the.. White House! Yeah, that’s the ticket. Why, I was just there last.. uh.. yesterday. Yeah.. having dinner with the Royal Family.

    Jerry Hall: Which Royal Family?

    Tommy Flanagan: Uh.. the one on TV. Yeah. Yeah, I’m a producer, you know. Big-time tele.. movie producer. Yeah, that’s the ticket! So, what do you do?

    Jerry Hall: Oh, I do some modeling, I wrote a book, and I’m into rock and roll.

    Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah? I wrote a book about rock and roll. Yeah, it was about the guy who invented rock and roll. Yeah, that’s it! In fact, it was.. it was an autobiography! Yeah!

    Jerry Hall: [ not buying it ] You invented rock and roll?

    Tommy Flanagan: Mmm hmm. Swing, too. Yeah, I played with all the big bands – Elvis Presley, Benny Goodman, Buddy Holly, The Who..

    Jerry Hall: And I suppose you played with The Stones, too, huh?

    Tommy Flanagan: Well, now you’re being silly! I never played with them.

    Jerry Hall: I didn’t think so.

    Tommy Flanagan: No. I managed them! Yeah.. I did. In fact, I wrote all their songs, too. You remember “Satisfaction”? I wrote it!

    Jerry Hall: You did not write “Satisfaction”.

    Tommy Flanagan: Well.. not all of it. Actually.. uh.. Mick Jagger wrote it. Yeah, that’s it! But it was originally called, uh.. “I Can’t Get No.. uh.. Service in This Place”.. and I changed it!

    Jerry Hall: You know Mick Jagger?

    Tommy Flanagan: Yeah. We were in Vietnam together. In fact, I saved his life.

    Jerry Hall: He was never in ‘Nam.

    Tommy Flanagan: That’s how I saved his life – I talked him out of going!

    Jerry Hall: Come on! you never met Mick Jagger!

    Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah? How do you know?

    Jerry Hall: Because I’m his wife.

    Tommy Flanagan: Oh. [ looks at her hand ] Yeah, well, where’s your wedding band?

    Jerry Hall: We’re not exactly married.

    Tommy Flanagan: Ah-ha! I knew you were lying!

    Jerry Hall: Well, I am his girlfriend. [ looks to her side ] In fact, here he is now!

    Mick Jagger: Hi, darling! I’m sorry I’m a little late. I was.. locked in the studio.

    Jerry Hall: Never mind, let’s just get going.. [ gets up ]

    Tommy Flanagan: [ faking ] Hey, Mick, how you doing! It’s me, Tommy! Remember?

    Mick Jagger: Who’s this guy?

    Jerry Hall: Some guy named “Tommy”, who thinks he knows you.

    Mick Jagger: [ thinking ] Oh, yeah.. I know him!

    Tommy Flanagan: [ surprised ] You do?

    Jerry Hall: [ also surprised ] Really?

    Mick Jagger: Yeah. You remember last weekend when I didn’t come home? Uh.. I.. I was.. I was with Tommy. That’s right! We were.. we were.. uh.. [ Tommy pantomimes fishing ] ..fishing together! That’s the ticket! Right, Tommy?

    Tommy Flanagan: [ on the spot ] Yeah, Mick, that’s the ticket! You and me, fishing! Yeah! You bet!

    Mick Jagger: We caught one this big! [ holds his arms out a couple of feet, while Tommy holds his out twice as much ]

    Jerry Hall: [ not interested, wanting to go ] Come on.. [ pulls Mick out of the bar ]

    Tommy Flanagan: See? I told you I knew him.

    Mick Jagger: [ whispering to Tommy as he passes ] Thanks, buddy, I owe you for this one. [ faces the camera before he exits ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: George Wendt & Francis Ford Coppola: 03/22/86


    Air Date:

    Host:



    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    March 22nd, 1986

    George Wendt

    Francis Ford Coppola

    Philip Glass

    Penn & Teller

  • Directed By Francis Ford Coppola

  • George Wendt’s Monologue

  • The Honeymooners, The Lost Episodes

  • Commercial-Free

    Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

  • Mystery Playhouse

  • Philip Glass performs “Lightning”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • That Black Girl

    Recurring Characters: LaToya Marie.

  • Fish Market Whale

  • Sketch Review

    Recurring Characters: Jimmy Chance, Ashley Ashley.

  • Ghost of Master Thespian

    Recurring Characters: Master Thespian.

  • Vietnam Sketch

  • Philip Glass performs “Rubric”

  • Suitcase Confrontational

  • The Grand Finale

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Jay Leno: 02/22/86


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    February 22nd, 1986

    Jay Leno

    The Neville Brothers

    Mike the Dog

  • Backstage With Tommy

    Tommy Flanagan (Jon Lovitz) gives Leno a backstage tour of Studio 8-H, which he owns.

    Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

  • Jay Leno’s Monologue

    Leno performs stand-up on TV Guide, The People’s Court, game shows, insurance
    companies, celebrity endorsements and Charles Manson.

  • Target Earth

    Less-advanced aliens (Leno, Robert Downey, Jr.) act superior while attempting
    to take miserable Earth creatures in as their slaves.

  • Dinner Reunion

    At restaurant, Mike the Dog snuffs his former owner (Randy Quaid).

  • The Neville Brothers perform “The Big Chief”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

    The Weekend Update Dancers dance to “Living In America” as a tribute to the
    flu outbreak.

    A. Whitney Brown delivers Big Picture on Iran and Iraq.

  • Star Search

    Ed McMahon (Randy Quaid) and spokesmodel (Nora Dunn) introduce contestants.

    Recurring Characters: Ed MacMahon.

  • Jay’s Evil Twin

    Leno uses fake moustache to determine if date (Joan Cusack) will put out.

  • Observational Stand-Ups II

    Observational stand-ups (Jon Lovitz, Dennis Miller, Damon Wayans) receive advice
    from Jackie Niles (Leno).

  • Man Beat Magazine

    Lyle Alzado (Randy Quaid) bullies magazine spokesman (Robert Downey, Jr.).

  • The Neville Brothers perform “The Midnight Key”

  • The Further Adventures of Biff & Salena

    Dull Biff (Jon Lovitz) and Selena (Joan Cusack) make small talk, plan trip.

    Recurring Characters: Biff, Selena.

  • Goodnights

    SNL Transcripts