For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
May 17th, 1986
Jimmy Breslin
Marvin Hagler
Level 42
E.G. Daily
Sam Kinison
Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.
Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.
Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.
Recurring Characters: Cabrini Green.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: Episode 17
85q: Jimmy Breslin & Marvin Hagler / Level 42, E.G. Daily
Level 42 performs “Something About You”
…..Jimmy Breslin
…..Level 42
JIMMY BRESLIN, still dressed as Auric Goldfinger from the previous sketch but without the blazer or wig, stands on home base.
Jimmy Breslin: Ladies and gentleman — Level 42!
[ Breslin points his entire right arm to the musical stage and faces it. The camera slowly pans over to LEVEL 42 (composed of lead vocalist/bassist Mark King, keyboardist Mike Lindup, guitarist Boon Gould, drummer Phil Gould, guest saxophonist Krys Mach and guest vocalist Annie McCaig) begin playing Something About You. Breslin stands at home base motionless. Before the camera gets away from any view of home base, a stage hand motions for Breslin to come backstage. Breslin scurries off. King plays the opening bass riff over and over. ]
Level 42: [singing]Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh
Mark King: [singing]
How
How can it be?
That a love
Carved out of caring
Fashioned by fate
Could suffer so hard
From the games
Played much too often
But making mistakes
Is a part
Of life’s imperfections
Born of the years
Is it so wrong
To be human after all?
Level 42: [singing]
Born into the stream
Of undefined illusion
Those diamond rings
They can’t disguise the truth
Mark King/Level 42: [singing]
That there is something about you,
Baby, so right
I couldn’t be here without you,
Baby, tonight
Mark King: [singing]
If ever our love
Was concealed
No one can say
That we didn’t feel
A million things
And a perfect dream of life
Gone
Fragile but free
We remain
Tender together
If not so in love
It’s not so wrong
We’re only human after all
Level 42: [singing]
These changing years
They add to your confusion
Oh and you need to hear
The time that told the truth
Mark King/Level 42: [singing]
Because theres something about you,
The way you are so right
(Baby)
I couldn’t live without you
(I couldn’t live without you)
Baby, here tonight
Level 42: [singing]
Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh,
Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh
Mark King: [singing]
And that there’s something about you, yea
Level 42: [singing]
Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh
Mark King: [singing]
And I couldn’t live without you, tonight
Level 42: [singing]
Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh
[The audience cheers and applauds. Mark King smiles and nods on behalf of the band. Dissolve to Edie Baskins portrait of Level 42s four main members — posing on the main floor at the center of 30 Rockefeller Plaza.]FADE OUT
Submitted by: Cody Downs
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: Episode 18
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
May 24th, 1986
Anjelica Huston
Billy Martin
George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic
None
Lorne Michaels
Hands Across AmericaSummary: While running a cross-country sprint, one-legged Kevin Brennan (Randy Quaid) hits a roadblock in the form of a chain of Hands Across America participants who won’t let him through.
Transcript
Montage
Anjelica Huston’s MonologueSummary: Anjelica Huston attempts to tell a joke while, backstage, Billy Martin assures Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) that he’s a changed man.
Recurring Characters: Mephistopheles.
Transcript
The People’s Second Choice AwardsSummary: America’s favorite runner-ups are saluted by emcee Ed McMahon (Randy Quaid).
Recurring Characters: Ed McMahon.
Moments of DoubtSummary: While having breakfast together, a husband (Randy Quaid0, his wife (Anjelica Huston), their daughter (Joan Cusack) and the family dog contemplate the idea that they may have wasted their lives.
Glamourous DrinkingSummary: Lorne Michaels introduces a sketch that was cut from last week’s show because it glamourized drinking.
National Council of Liquor and SpiritsSummary: (Randy Quaid) offers a rebuttal to the previous sketch.
Actors on FilmSummary: Jimmy Chance (Robert Downey, Jr.) and Ashley Ashley (Nora Dunn) praise the off-camera acting not seen in “Witness.”
Recurring Characters: Jimmy Chance, Ashley Ashley.
Hallmark Organized Crime CardsSummary: Maerose Prizzi (Anjelica Huston) reads from a selection of Hallmark’s Organized Crime greeting card collection.
George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic perform “Let’s Take it to the Stage”
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Al Franken returns to comment on the Al Franken Decade and to urge viewers to see his new movie, “One More Saturday Night.” A. Whitney Brown delivers The Big Picture on the uninformed Class of 1986. Father Guido Sarducci narrates as the Weekend Update Dancers emulate the Statue of Liberty.
Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.
Lesbian BarSummary:
Bocce Ball My WaySummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) plugs his how-to video.
Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.
Tempting BillySummary: Billy Martin objects when Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) hides alcohol in his wardrobe.
Recurring Characters: Mephistopheles.
Note: At one point, Jon Lovitz simultaneously performs his Mephistopheles and Tommy Flanagan characters.
Transcript
Damon Wayans Stand-UpSummary: Damon Wayons returns to Studio 8-H to perform stand-up about racism in America and one-liners from his childhood insult contests.
Note: Damon Wayans returns as a guest just two months after being fired from “SNL” for improvising in the “Mr. Monopoly” sketch.
Note: In the “Live From, New York” book, Damon Wayans incorrectly remembers this performance as taking place on the episode hosted by Dudley Moore four months earlier, and having felt self-concious about doing a clubfoot joke in Moore’s presence.
Book MinuteSummary: (Danitra Vance) has updated the nursery rhymes of Mother Goose to reflect upon the realism of growing up in the ghetto.
LaBelles at the MoviesSummary: Patti LaBelle (Terry Sweeney) and her aunt (Danitra Vance) talk loudly to one another in a crowded movie theater.
My FriendSummary: Tracy (Joan Cusack) tells Dana (Danitra Vance) about her close, personal friend, Colonel Sanders (Billy Martin), then introduces her when he drops by for a visit. The sketch is unfortunately ruined when a drunken Billy Martin slurs his lines, so Lorne Michaels comes out and fires him on live television.
Transcript
George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic perform “Do Fries Go With That Shake”
GoodnightsSummary: After being fired, Billy Martin decides to set the studio on fire and take the show with him. Lorne Michaels hurriedly rescues his star performer, Jon Lovitz, before letting the remainder of the cast perish in the flames. Will other cast members survive? Tune in October 11th to find out!
Note: Brandon Tartikoff had made up his mind to cancel “SNL” once and for all after this lackluster season, but Lorne Michaels pleaded for – and won – one final chance to revive the show. Nora Dunn and Dennis Miller escaped the fire and returned with Jon Lovitz the following season.
Transcript
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 18
85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic
My Friend
Tracy…..Joan Cusack
Dana…..Danitra Vance
Colonel Sanders…..Billy Martin
…..Lorne Michaels
Mephistopheles…..Jon Lovitz
[ open on Tracy and Dana talking in a kitchen. Dana is seated, as Tracy pours another cup of coffee. ]
Tracy: The main thing is to give yourself a little slack, Dana. [ she sits at the table ] You can’t expect to solve all of the world’s problems by yourself.
Dana: I know – you’re right, as usual. But, you know.. boy.. I really am glad I have you to listen to my problems, because I’d be in bad shape if it wasn’t for you.
Tracy: Oh, come on!
Dana: No, really! You know, you have such a great outlook on life.
Tracy: Well, thanks.
Dana: And, now, what happens when you have a problem? Do you have a friend that you can talk things over with?
Tracy: A friend? [ sentimental piano music begins to play ] Yes, I suppose you could call him a.. “friend.” In fact, I have to say he’s the best “friend” I’ve ever had.
Dana: Oh, that’s great! Your friend, uh, does he live here in town?
Tracy: Yes, in a way, he does live here in town. You might even say he’s been around here longer than you or I have.
Dana: Ohhh, sounds like an older guy.
Tracy: Yes, I.. suppose you could say he’s old in years, and I guess some people might even say he’s old-fashioned or behind the times, but.. you know something? Sometimes I find the things he says are just as timely as today’s newspapers.
Dana: I’d like to meet your friend. Where does he live?
Tracy: Oh. I bet you’ve walked by his.. “house” many times without even realizing it. In fact, my “friend” has lots of.. “houses” all over the world.
Dana: [ impressed ] Ohhh, sounds like a rich guy.
Tracy: Rich? Oh, I suppose he’s rich, in a way. But, in another sense, he has no use for gold or silver —
Dana: Well. I’d like to meet your friend sometime, to talk to him.
Tracy: I try to talk to my “friend” at least once a day. And, you know, it makes me feel better. Maybe you’d like to join me today.
Dana: [ excited ] Oh! Oh, sure, but.. I’d have to change. You know, I’m not really dressed up.
Tracy: You know, I have a funny feeling my “friend” won’t mind at all! [ a knock is heard at the door ] Huh? He’s here early today!
[ Tracy stands, as Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame enters through the kitchen door ]
Dana: Hello there!
Tracy: Dana, Colonel Sanders – Colonel Sanders, Dana!
Dana: Hi!
Colonel Sanders: Hi.
Dana: Oh, Tracy’s given me a really big build-up about you!
Colonel Sanders: Well, it’s an honor to meet you, Dana. Oh, what did she say, I’m Superman and Phil Donahue all rolled up in one?
Tracy: [ rubs Colonel Sanders’ shoulder ] Oh, well, you are, aren’t you?
Colonel Sanders: Well, well, I’m relaly just a good listener. That’s so rare these days. Uh.. so, Dana, uh – uh – what’s your name? [ Billy Martin breaks character ] Hey, can we do this over? I think I can do it —
Joan Cusack: [ breaks character ] Billy, Billy! Billy, you’re drunk!
Billy Martin: I had two beers!
Danitra Vance: [ breaks character ] Oh, you promised, Billy!
Tracy: Oh, Billy, how could you do this?! Not to us, but to yourself?!
Billy Martin: [ defensive ] I just had two beers!!
Tracy & Dana: Ohhhh!!
[ Joan and Danitra stomp off the set, as Billy looks dumbfounded behind his Colonel Sanders make-up ]
[ Lorne Michaels storms onto the set ]
Lorne Michaels: Billy, that’s it! You can’t do live television! You’re blowing cues all night – you’re fired! Outta here! [ storms away ]
Billy Martin: [ waving his arms ] Good! Good!! I don’t want your charity! The hell with ya! [ overturns the kitchen table, then storms off the opposite side of the set ]
[ the head of Mephistopheles materializes at the center of the screen, laughing and coughing maniacally ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 18
85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic
Goodnights
…..Lorne Michaels
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
…..Anjelica Huston
…..Billy Martin
[ open on interior, Cast Dressing Room – cast members putting their things away before the Cast Party after the show ]
Randy Quaid: [ entering ] Hey, hey, hey, good show, everybody!
[ the cast applaud themselves and pass high-fives around ]
Dennis Miller: All over but the Goodnights, huh?
Nora Dunn: Ah, it’s hard to believe we’re not gonna be back here until next October!
Robert Downey, Jr.: Wow..
Danitra Vance: Yeah, it’s really strange!
Terry Sweeney: Hey, I’m gonna miss all of you this summer..
[ everyone shares the sentiment ]
Robert Downey, Jr.: Hey, I don’t know about you guys, but I am pumped for next year!
Everyone: Yeah!!
Randy Quaid: Hey, hey – uh, does anybody smell gasoline?
[ cut to exterior, Cast Dressing Room – Billy Martin dousing the exit door and surrounding walls with gasoline. Lorne Michaels approaches. ]
Lorne Michaels: Billy! What are you doing?
Billy Martin: I’m setting the room on fire. That’s what I’m doing!
Lorne Michaels: [ confused ] What do you mean?
Billy Martin: What do I mean? Listen, Michaels – if I’m fired, then I’m taking the cast with me!
Lorne Michaels: Billy, are you crazy? If you set the cast on fire, they won’t be able to do the show next year.
Billy Martin: That’s right, bigshot! [ lights a match, sparking a fire in the hall, then runs off ]
Lorne Michaels: [ moderately desperate ] I’ve got to go in there. [ enters Dressing Room, then quickly emerges with a startled Jon Lovitz ]
Jon Lovitz: What are you doing? I’ve gotta wave goodbye!
Lorne Michaels: Don’t ask any questions, Jon! Just go downstairs to my limosine and wait for me there. [ Jon obeys and exits ] Writers! Writers!
[ three yuppie writers come down the hall ]
Writers: Yes, Mr. Michaels?
Lorne Michaels: Uh.. there’s some candy and chocolates in the dressing room – go in there and help yourself..
Writers: Oh, thank you! [ enter the Dressing Room ]
Lorne Michaels: Great job this year! Help yourself! [ closes the door behind them, then rushes off ]
[ cut to Center Stage, Anjelica Huston and Parliament Funk ready for the Goodnights ]
Anjelica Huston: Is Billy Martin around?
Billy Martin: [ walks up, covered in smoke stains ] Here I am!
Anjelica Huston: Oh, Billy. Billy, are you okay?
Billy Martin: I never felt better!
Anjelica Huston: Well, me, too! Goodnight, everybody!
Billy Martin: Goodnight!
[ cue Closing Music ]
[ dissolve to Cast Dressing Room – remaining cast trapped by the smoldering flames ]
[ SUPER: “Who Will Survive?” ]
[ SUPER: “Who Will Perish?” ]
[ SUPER: “Tune in October 11th” ]
[ credits roll, reading “Executive Producer: Lorne Michaels? – Producers: Al Franken? Tom Davis?” and so on, until a giant red “?” appears in the middle of the screen ]
[ fade out ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 18
85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic
Hands Across America
Kevin Brennan…..Randy Quaid
Supporter #1…..Joan Cusack
Supporter #2…..Billy Martin
Supporter #3…..Danita Vance
Leader…..Nora Dunn
Supporter…..Robert Downey Jr.
Supporter…..Terry Sweeney
FADE IN:
[ PROMOTIONAL FOOTAGE from VOICES OF AMERICA’S “HANDS ACROSS AMERICA” MUSIC VIDEO ]
Chorus: [singing]
“Hands Across America
Hands across the land I love
Divided We Fall
United We Stand
Hands Across America”
[ EXT. TEXAS – DAY ]
[ SUPER: SOMEWHERE IN WEST TEXAS ]
Leader: Listen, everybody! Listen!! Please, stop, please!! There are pickpockets working the lines! If you feel your pocket is being picked, do not hold… don’t stop holding hands! Shout for help!! Okay!? THIS IS HANDS ACROSS AMERICA!!!
[ The crowd cheers. ]
Supporter #1: So what made you want to do this, huh?
Supporter #2: When I saw that Chernobyl thing, I said to myself, “This nuclear madness has got to stop!”
Supporter #1: Well, this is for the homeless…
Supporter #2: Homeless?
Supporter #1: Yeah… this is to raise money for the homeless.
Supporter #2: Those bums!? Oh, well… As long as I’m here, I’ll stay.
[ KEVIN BRENNAN, a disabled athlete, hobbles in. ]
Kevin Brennan: Excuse me, could I get in through here, please?
Supporter #3: I’m sorry…
Kevin Brennan: Please! I have to get through.
Supporter #1: We can’t let go. I’m sorry but we can’t let go.
Kevin Brennan: Don’t you know who I am!? Huh? Huh?
Supporter #2: No.
Kevin Brennan: I’m Kevin Brennan — the one-legged runner. Huh? I’m running from Texas to Minnesota to call attention to the dangers of cleats on mall escalators.
Supporter #3: No, I haven’t. But I’m sorry, we can’t break the chain — this is Hands Across America.
Kevin Brennan: You mean this goes all the way across the continent!?
Supporter #2: Yep.
Kevin Brennan: Why are you doing this!?
Supporter #1: To raise money for the homeless.
Kevin Brennan: What? Those bums!? Come on! Let me through!
Supporter #3: We wish we could, but we can’t!
Kevin Brennan: So basically, what you’re telling me is – you’re not gonna let me though?
Supporter #1: Pretty much… Yeah!
Kevin Brennan: Great!! Well, thanks a lot! I guess I’ll see if I can have any further luck down the line. Oh, but first, there’s something I want to say to you people… Oh, golly… I forgot what I wanted to say… oh, yeah! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Submitted by: Cody Downs
Unconditional Love
…..Tony Danza
…..Joan Cusack
[ open on interior, bedroom ]
Wife: I love you so much!
Husband: I love you!
Wife: I love you more!
Husband: I love you more!
Wife: No, I love you more. You have no idea how much I love you.
Husband: Oh, yes, I do!
Wife: No, you don’t. Because I have no idea! How much do you love me?
Husband: A lot!
Wife: Just a lot?
Husband: Well, what do you want me to say?
Wife: I want you to say you love me more than anything in the world!
Husband: I love you more than anything in the world!
Wife: You’re just saying that.
Husband: Kathy, come on.. I really do love you. I love you, I love you, I love you!
Wife: More than the Knicks?
Husband: [ thinking ] Well.. this year! [ laughs ] I love you!
Wife: Why? Why do you love me?
Husband: Why? Well, because.. because you’re beautiful.. and because you’re wonderful.. and because you’re terrific.. and because you have a really great.. [ looks at her chest ] uh.. you’re loveable! you’re loveable, that’s all.. [ she remains silent ] What?
Wife: You don’t love me for me! What if I was fat? Would you love me if I was 300 pounds?
Husband: Your breasts would be bigger! [ laughs ]
Wife: Come on!
Husband: I’m joking! I’m joking here!
Wife: Would you love me if I was six inches tall, and you had to carry me around in a shoebox?
Husband: I love you!
Wife: What if my arm was 40 feet long, and you had to move it around in a truck.
Husband: Okay.. you talk so big? You talk big? Let me ask you something – would you love me if I was going bald?
Wife: [ thinking ] I would love you if everything you touched turned bald.
Husband: [ impressed ] Ooohhhh! I love you, I love you!
Wife: Would you love me if I refused to ever have sex with you again?
Husband: In a different way..
Wife: Would you love me if I hated you?
Husband: Now, wait a second!
Wife: Answer the question!
Husband: Wait a second..
Wife: God! You have to think about it?
Husband: No! I love you! I love you!
Wife: Would you.. love me if I was seeing someone else?
Husband: [ caught off guard ] What?
Wife: Would you love me if I was seeing someone on and off for the last eleven weeks, more on than off?
Husband: Now, now, now.. wait a minute, what’s going on here?!
Wife: Just answer the question. [ phone rings ] That could be him.
[ phone rings again ]
Husband: Answer the phone!
Wife: Answer my question!
Husband: [ reaches over the bed, grabs the phone and slams it to the ground ]
Wife: Why, you crazy.. [ she picks the phone up from the ground ] Hello? Oh, hi, Mrs. Scarpelli. Yeah, he’s right here, hold on a second..
Husband: [ takes the phone ] Hi, Mom! [ laughs ] No, Mom, everything’s fine, everything’s okay! I just dropped it down by accident! Yeah. Yes, Mom, I love you. Yes. A lot! Oh, come on, Mom..!
[ fade ]
85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers
Backstage With Tommy
…..Jay Leno
…..Randy Quaid
Mike the Dog’s Trainer…..Jim Downey
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz
[ Jay Leno enters SNL dressing room, where the cast is throwing a wild party ]
Jay Leno: Hi, guys! Randy!
Randy Quaid: Huh?
Jay Leno: I’m a little confused —
Randy Quaid: Good show, buddy! Good show tonight!
Jay Leno: Okay, thanks.
Randy Quaid: You want a beer?
Jay Leno: No, no thanks. I’m a little confused, where do I go?
Randy Quaid: Good luck to you tonight!
Jay Leno: Oh, thanks.
Randy Quaid: I don’t know.
[ Jay exits room and tries across the hall, where a make-up artist is working on Mike The Dog ]
Jay Leno: Excuse me. I’m a little lost.
Mike the Dog’s Trainer: Mike the Dog needs his quiet time.
Jay Leno: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to —
[ Jay exits the dressing room, steps back into the hall where he runs into Pathological Liar Tommy Flanagan ]
Jay Leno: Excuse me – do you work here?
Tommy Flanagan: Yes, I do.
Jay Leno: Maybe you can help me. I’m a little lost.
Tommy Flanagan: Oh, come on – follow me. I’m the producer – uhh.. the executive producer of this show! Yeah! [ leads Jay down the hlal, as they pass background personnel ] Like the costume; keep the hat. Like the hat. [ to Jay ] See the guy wearing the Abe Lincoln costume? Don’t talk to him – he’s a liar. Okay, this way. Here we go. [ leads Jay offscreen down a hall ] I know this studio like the back of my hand! Hey, what’s this wall doing here? Oh, yeah.. I had them build it, uh.. yesterday, when I was taking a nap! Yeah, that’s what I remember! [ comes back out ] Come on – ah, here’s the way we go!
[ leads Jay past a bank of secretaries ]
Tommy Flanagan: Hello, girls, how are you? [ the secretaries are silent ] See? They work for me! See how they didn’t say anything? I trained them. [ leads Jay offscreen down another hall ] Yeah. Here we go, let’s go into my office here, right through the, uh.. oh! Can’t open it now, uh.. the secretary had new keys made – just yesterday! I keep all my money in here, all my jewels, too – yeah! If there’s any missing, I know where they are. [ re-emerges ] Oh, here we go. This is it!
[ leads Jay onto the various sets and audience ]
Tommy Flanagan: You know, I built this studio – yeah! In nineteen-thirty.. uhh.. oh-nine! Let’s see now.. [ looking around ] Oh yeah, there’s a TV over there, and.. oh! This is the audience over here. Here’s a TV camera – yeah, I invented it, you know. Let’s see here.. oh, we gotta go this way. [ turns back around ] Yeah, come on, here we go. Yeah, you’re hosting the show, aren’t ya’?
Jay Leno: Yeah.
Tommy Flanagan: Yeah, I thought so! I used to host the show last year.
[ they pass through the Observational Comics set ]
Jay Leno: Really?
Tommy Flanagan: Yeah. Here’s where everybody eats. Yeah, this is where all the hosts go, through here..
[ leads Jay through the set’s door, directly onto one of the sets for the “Star Search” sketch ]
Tommy Flanagan: Ah, here we go! Yeah, that’s it. See, the audience sits up there, and we got, uh.. lights! Yeah, that’s what they are.
Jay Leno: Well, how does it start? I mean, how do you start the show?
Tommy Flanagan: Oh! We start with a sing– uh, dance number. Yeah, that’s it! The Rockettes! Yeah! We get them all lined up, and —
Jay Leno: No, no, no. It doesn’t start with a dance number. It starts when I say, [ faces camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers
Goodnights
…..Jay Leno
Jay Leno: [ crouched next to Mike the Dog ] That’s the show! Special thanks to Mike the Dog.. [ kisses Mike on the nose ] ..and everybody on the show! The Neville Brothers! [ stands and waves to the audience ] Thanks a lot! See you later, bye bye!
85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers
Target Earth
Major … Randy Quaid
1st Alien … Jay Leno
2nd Alien … Robert Downey, Jr.
1st Scientist … Dennis Miller
2nd Scientist … Nora Dunn
[Pompous 1950s-era movie music. SUPER: TARGET EARTH inwhite block letters over a shot of the Earth seen fromouter space. Dissolve to stock footage of flyingsaucer from 1950s science fiction movie. SUPER:SOMEWHERE OVER OREGON – Cut to stock footage of asaucer landing behind a hill (from the 1951 filmInvaders from Mars). Spinning newspaper, thefront page headline of THE LEDGER reads: SPACESHIPLANDS IN OREGON; MILITARY RUSHES TO SITE – Dissolve toa major addressing a group of uniformed soldiers nextto an impressive-looking futuristicspaceship.]
Major: All right, men! I want all weapons keptout of sight. We’ll use ’em if we have to but myorders are to establish friendly contact.
Soldier: [leans forward and clears his throat]Uh – uh, Major.
[The major turns to see the spaceship’s gangplank/dooropen and descend with appropriately ominous noise,music and smoke effects. Two intimidating space aliensin silver space suits walk slowly down the gangplankto address the men. At all times, the aliens actobnoxiously superior to the Earth men, virtuallysneering at them throughout.]
1st Alien: Who among you is the leader of thisplanet?
Major: I’m in charge here. I report directly toour leaders.
1st Alien: Bring them this message. Tell themthat we come from a distant galaxy, from a planet farmore advanced than your own.
Major: What shall I say is the purpose of yourvisit?
2nd Alien: [holding a book under his arm]Miserable Earth creature! It is not for you to knowour plans. [rubs the book affectionately]
1st Alien: [raises a hand] Tell the leaders ofyour backward planet to gather in this spot inone Earth week. On that time, we will reveal ourintentions.
2nd Alien: In the meantime, bring them thisbook. It is a documentation of our achievements as acivilization. Achievements far beyond your punycomprehension.
1st Alien: Tell them to study it well. But tellthem also we want it back — when they arefinished.
2nd Alien: Yes.
Major: I’ll tell ’em.
2nd Alien: It is a very valuablebook.
Major: [takes the book, looks at it] Iunderstand.
1st Alien: It is impossible to replace.
2nd Alien: So don’t get itdirty!
1st Alien: We’ll meet again in this spot in oneweek. [pointedly, to the major] And you will have whatwith you?
Major: The book?
1st Alien: Right.
[The aliens nod. Satisfied, they retreat back into thespaceship. Dissolve to an image of the U.S. CapitolBuilding. SUPER: WASHINGTON D.C. Dissolve to agovernment science office with a photos of outer spaceimages and a smiling Ronald Reagan hanging on thewall. Two plainclothes scientists peer at the aliens’book.]
1st Scientist: I know it seems hard to believebut I think this is on the level.
[The second scientist nods in agreement. The majorenters and confers with them.]
Major: Okay, what have you found out?
1st Scientist: What this is is sort of acombination almanac/encyclopedia for the planetMitron.
2nd Scientist: It gives a pretty completerundown on their entire civilization.
Major: All right, give it to me straight. Justwhat are we up against here?
1st Scientist: Major, as far as I can tell, weare dealing with a civilization here that is far -less – advanced – than our own.
2nd Scientist: I don’t know what they told youabout the planet Mitron but it’s about three hundredyears behind the planet Earth.
Major: But surely they must have much to teachus!
2nd Scientist: No.
1st Scientist: Not really.
2nd Scientist: Nothing.
1st Scientist: [shakes head sadly, shows themajor the book] Look, look. Leading occupation: sheepherding. Principle manufactured product: oil lamps. Icould go on and on.
2nd Scientist: I know why they were soconcerned about the book — it’s hand-lettered. Theyhaven’t even invented movable type yet.
Major: [exhales deeply] And if you could haveseen the way they acted! … [smacks his fist into hishand] Boy, this makes me mad! … What about thespaceship?
2nd Scientist: Well, there’s no way in theworld they could have built it. Our guess is — theyfound it.
Major: [upset] Oooh!
[Dissolve back to the spaceship. SUPER: ONE WEEK LATER- The aliens descend the gangplank and confer with themajor and his men. The major patiently holds thealiens’ book. The aliens are as haughty, sneering andobnoxious as before.]
1st Alien: Greetings, contemptible Earthcreatures. It is time you have learned of our plansfor your miserable planet. Gort?
2nd Alien: Yes. As those of you who have seenour book may know, one of the great wonders of Mitronis our sophisticated network of dirt roads.
1st Alien: However, every spring, the samething happens. The rains come and our roads become asea of mud. It is very hard on ourstagecoaches.
[The major glances back at his men. They can barelykeep from laughing.]
2nd Alien: In order to properly maintain theseroads, we need two things: more dirt — and slaves. Wehave chosen you, Earth creatures, to be thoseslaves.
1st Alien: We know how you must feel.Obviously, we do not expect you to be pleased uponhearing that you are to be enslaved but at least youmust admire our frankness.
2nd Alien: It would have been easy for ussimply to lie to you and tell you we had come infriendship. But we thought by telling you the truth,we may be able to win your respect, if not youraffection.
Major: Excuse–
[One of the soldiers bursts into applause. The majorand the other men look at him, annoyed. Embarrassed,he stops clapping and lowers his head.]
Major: [to the aliens] Excuse me. But, um, theleaders of our planet are most curious about yourspaceship. How did you build it?
1st Alien: [quickly] We did too buildit!
Major: No one said that you didn’t buildit.
2nd Alien: [defensively] We didn’t just findit! We built it ourselves, miserable Earthcreature!
1st Alien: [to the major] So, what is youranswer? Do you agree to come quietly and be our slavesor do you face the awesome power of ourmuskets?
[The second alien holds up a long, old-fashionedmusket. The major forcefully pushes the book into thefirst alien’s chest and takes a small submachine gunthat is handed to him by one of the soldiers.]
Major: [holds up the submachine gun] This isour answer.
2nd Alien: [laughs at the major’s small gun] Haha ha!
1st Alien: So, puny Earth creature, is that aweapon?
2nd Alien: Ah! But does it fire round leadballs, like these? [shows the major a handful ofmusket balls]
Major: Yes, it does. It fires two hundred roundlead balls per minute.
[The major steps forward and fires the machine gunnoisily into the air. The major returns to theastonished aliens who slowly retreat up the gangplankwhile still trying to maintain their false impressionof superiority.]
1st Alien: So, Earthlings, we will return toconquer you. Right now, we are leaving. … Butwe will come back later when it pleases us.
2nd Alien: Yes. Yours is one of –several planets we are considering conquering.We may decide not to but the choice is ours. Untilthen, don’t go anywhere.
1st Alien: Yeah, and – and don’t leave thisplanet!
[The major and his men watch as the gangplank/doorrises and shuts with an ominous bang. Engine noisesand smoke emerge from the bottom of the ship. Dissolveto stock footage of flying saucer taking off anddeparting, accompanied by pompous ’50s movie music.SUPER: THE END ?]
Submitted Anonymously