Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 18
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
[ open on interior, Cast Dressing Room – cast members putting their things away before the Cast Party after the show ]
Randy Quaid: [ entering ] Hey, hey, hey, good show, everybody!
[ the cast applaud themselves and pass high-fives around ]
Dennis Miller: All over but the Goodnights, huh?
Nora Dunn: Ah, it’s hard to believe we’re not gonna be back here until next October!
Robert Downey, Jr.: Wow..
Danitra Vance: Yeah, it’s really strange!
Terry Sweeney: Hey, I’m gonna miss all of you this summer..
[ everyone shares the sentiment ]
Robert Downey, Jr.: Hey, I don’t know about you guys, but I am pumped for next year!
Randy Quaid: Hey, hey – uh, does anybody smell gasoline?
[ cut to exterior, Cast Dressing Room – Billy Martin dousing the exit door and surrounding walls with gasoline. Lorne Michaels approaches. ]
Lorne Michaels: Billy! What are you doing?
Billy Martin: I’m setting the room on fire. That’s what I’m doing!
Lorne Michaels: [ confused ] What do you mean?
Billy Martin: What do I mean? Listen, Michaels – if I’m fired, then I’m taking the cast with me!
Lorne Michaels: Billy, are you crazy? If you set the cast on fire, they won’t be able to do the show next year.
Billy Martin: That’s right, bigshot! [ lights a match, sparking a fire in the hall, then runs off ]
Lorne Michaels: [ moderately desperate ] I’ve got to go in there. [ enters Dressing Room, then quickly emerges with a startled Jon Lovitz ]
Jon Lovitz: What are you doing? I’ve gotta wave goodbye!
Lorne Michaels: Don’t ask any questions, Jon! Just go downstairs to my limosine and wait for me there. [ Jon obeys and exits ] Writers! Writers!
[ three yuppie writers come down the hall ]
Writers: Yes, Mr. Michaels?
Lorne Michaels: Uh.. there’s some candy and chocolates in the dressing room – go in there and help yourself..
Writers: Oh, thank you! [ enter the Dressing Room ]
Lorne Michaels: Great job this year! Help yourself! [ closes the door behind them, then rushes off ]
[ cut to Center Stage, Anjelica Huston and Parliament Funk ready for the Goodnights ]
Anjelica Huston: Is Billy Martin around?
Billy Martin: [ walks up, covered in smoke stains ] Here I am!
Anjelica Huston: Oh, Billy. Billy, are you okay?
Billy Martin: I never felt better!
Anjelica Huston: Well, me, too! Goodnight, everybody!
Billy Martin: Goodnight!
[ cue Closing Music ]
[ dissolve to Cast Dressing Room – remaining cast trapped by the smoldering flames ]
[ SUPER: “Who Will Survive?” ]
[ SUPER: “Who Will Perish?” ]
[ SUPER: “Tune in October 11th” ]
[ credits roll, reading “Executive Producer: Lorne Michaels? – Producers: Al Franken? Tom Davis?” and so on, until a giant red “?” appears in the middle of the screen ]
[ fade out ]