SNL Transcripts: Chevy Chase: 11/16/85: Smoky Hallways

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 11: Episode 2

85b: Chevy Chase / Sheila E.

Smoky Hallways

Fire Chief…..Chevy Chase
Fireman #1…..Damon Wayans
Fireman #2…..Don Novello
Fireman #3…..Terry Sweeney
Fireman #4…..Anthony Michael Hall
Fireman #5…..Jon Lovitz
Fireman #6…..Robert Downey Jr.
Fireman #7…..Randy Quaid
Fireman…..Dan Vitale



Fire Chief: Okay men — we gotta check every compartment in here! Checkevery door! We gotta make sure nobody’s in here! Okay!?

[ The fire fighters scramble to check the hallway. The fire chief pointsto all sorts of doorways while his team goes into every one. ]

Fire Chief: You — check that door!

[ The fire chief points to another door. ]

Fire Chief: You — check that one! Go ahead! You check that door, too!

[ The fire chief points to another door to two of his men. ]

Fire Chief: You two — check those doors! Every door here — check it!!

[ The fire chief points to another door. ]

Fire Chief: You check that door! Come on, check it! Let’s go, let’s go!!

Fireman #1: What about this door?

Fire Chief: Check it!

Fireman #2: What about this door?

Fire Chief: Check it! You better check it! I wanna make sure you check it!

[ The fire chief points out a previous door. ]

Fire Chief: Did you check that door!? Well, check it again!

Fireman #3: What are we going to do!?

Fire Chief: Check it again and make sure you check it!

[ The fire chief points two different firemen and a door behind them. ]

Fire Chief: You both check that door? You two — make sure you check it! Check it!!

[ A different fireman goes in the door the fire chief gave orders for theprevious two to enter. ]

Fire Chief: Get outta of there!! Check down there! Come on, let go! Check them all!!

Fireman: I’ll check it!

[ The fire chief and his crew leave the hallway. ]

Fire Chief: All right — let’s check ’em!

[ INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY – NIGHT ] [ Smoke fills the passageway and the crew keeps bumping into each other.They all scramble to check the doors. The fire chief’s the last show up. ]

Fire Chief: Check that door! Check it! It’s weird! Check it again!

[ The fire chief points out a door to a fireman. ]

Fire Chief: Come on, check it! What do you think you get a check for!?!? I’m not checking!

[ A fireman approaches the fire chief. ]

Fire Chief: Did you check that door!? Check it again!

[ FIREMAN #4 rushes to the fire chief. ]

Fireman #4: Chief! You want me to check that door!?

Fire Chief: Double-check it! I don’t care! Okay!?

[ The fire chief points to a door on his left to another fireman. ]

Fire Chief: Check that door!

[ The fire chief calls for Fireman #4 and points to the door he asked forto be checked. Fireman #4 races to the fire chief. ]

Fire Chief: Come here! Come here! Come here! You check that!?

Fireman #4: This one!?

Fire Chief: Make sure its checked!

[ The fire chief starts to get light-headed and losing his footing. ]

Fireman #5: Chief!

Fire Chief: What!? What do you want!? Your check!?!? It’s too early! Check in the morning!

[ The fire chief’s getting more unbalanced. ]

Fire Chief: Check! I want you to check! Check!

[ The fire chief faints. The crew circles around him. ]

Fireman #5: Check his pulse!

Fireman #6: The “checks” were too much for him!

Fireman #7: There’s one thing we’re not sure about — we think we checkedbut then we’re not! Probably though… What should we do?

[ The fire chief starts to regain consciousness and sits up. ]

Fireman #7: Wait — I think he’s trying to say something!

Fire Chief: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Chevy Chase: 11/16/85: Pathological Liars Anonymous

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 11: Episode 2

85b: Chevy Chase / Sheila E.

Pathological Liars Anonymous

Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: And now, a message from Pathological Liars Anonymous.

Tommy Flanagan: Hello, my name is Tommy Flanagan, and I’m a member of Pathological Liars Anonymous. In fact.. I’m the president of the organization!

I didn’t always lie. No, when I was a kid, I told the truth. But then one day, I got caught stealing money out of my mother’s purse. I lied. I told her it was homework – that my teacher told me to do it. And she got fired! Yeah, that’s what happened!

After that, lying was easy for me. I lied about my age and joined the army. I was thirteen at the time. Yeah.. I went to Vietnam, and I was injured catching a mortar shell in my teeth. And they made me a three-star general! And then I got a job in journalism, writing for the National Enquire.. er, Geographic! Yeah.. I was making twenty thousand a ye.. month! In fact, I won the Pulitzer Prize that year! Yeah, that’s the ticket.

And then my cousin died – Joe Louis – and I took it hard. Maybe too hard – I tried to kill myself. Yeahh.. I did kill myself! Sure! I was medically dead for a week and a half! It was a woman that brought me out of it – Indira Gandhi! Yeah, right.. And she told me about Pathological Liars Anonymous.

Oh, you’d be surprised how many famous people belong. In fact.. at one of the meetings I met my wife – Morgan Fairchild! Yes, I’m a change man now, and all because of Pathological Liars Anonymous. Why, I – I even have my picture on the cover of Newsweek magazine. Yeah. Every day! Yeah.. that’s the ticket! Yeah, you betcha!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts


Saturday Night Live: 1985-1986

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 11: 1985-1986

This free script provided by]]>


  • Joan Cusack
  • Robert Downey, Jr.
  • Nora Dunn
  • Anthony Michael Hall
  • Jon Lovitz
  • Dennis Miller
  • Randy Quaid
  • Terry Sweeney
  • Danitra Vance
  • Featuring:

  • A. Whitney Brown (first: 02/08/86)
  • Al Franken (first: 03/22/86)
  • Don Novello
  • Dan Vitale
  • Damon Wayans (last: 03/15/86)
  • Episodes

  • 11/09/85: Madonna / Simple Minds
  • 11/16/85: Chevy Chase / Sheila E.
  • 11/23/85: Pee Wee Herman / Queen Ida & The Bon Temps Zydeco Band
  • 12/07/85: John Lithgow / Mr. Mister
  • 12/14/85: Tom Hanks / Sade
  • 12/21/85: Teri Garr / Dream Academy, The Cult
  • 01/18/86: Harry Dean Stanton / The Replacements
  • 01/25/86: Dudley Moore / Al Green
  • 02/08/86: Ron Reagan / The Nelsons
  • 02/15/86: Jerry Hall / Stevie Ray & Jimmie Vaughn
  • 02/22/86: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers
  • 03/15/86: Griffin Dunne / Rosanne Cash
  • 03/22/86: George Wendt & Francis Ford Coppola / Philip Glass
  • 04/12/86: Oprah Winfrey / Joe Jackson
  • 04/19/86: Tony Danza / Laurie Anderson
  • 05/10/86: Catherine Oxenberg & Paul Simon / Ladysmith Black Mambazo
  • 05/17/86: Jimmy Breslin & Marvin Hagler / Level 42, E.G. Daily
  • 05/24/86: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic
  • SummaryAfter a five-year absence, Lorne Michaels is back as Executive Producer of the mainstream variety classic he introduced late-night viewers to an even-decade earlier. Returning to the helms of his creation, he takes a cue from former producer Dick Ebersol, and brings in his own all-star roster, which includes the familiar likes of Randy Quaid and Anthony Michael Hall to the not-so-familiar likes of Terry Sweeney and Danitra Vance, all the way to the likes of future Hollywood stars Joan Cusack and Robert Downey, Jr. Despite the potential of Lorne’s second cast, only newcomers Nora Dunn, Jon Lovitz and Dennis Miller make it to the next season, Nora with her vain model-turned-talk show host Pat Stevens, Lovitz with his Pathological Liar, and Miller with his almost Christopher Guest-look-a-like appearance behind a resurrected Weekend Update desk.

    Dismal ratings caused Lorne to set the season-ending cast party ablaze,sparing only Jon Lovitz’s life – Dennis Miller and Nora Dunn apparently outsmarted the other cast members and found their own way out!

    SNL Transcripts