Weekend Update with Dennis Miller


Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
…..Al Franken
…..Victoria Jackson


Music Intro: “Born To Run”, Bruce Springsteen.

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with your anchorperson, Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

It was reported this week that a new Boeing 747 was being readied for the president as the next Air Force One. It will arrive in Wichita this month for a year of modification and finishing work. Among the expected modifications will the installation of a new seat belt that even the president himself will be able to operate.

Since he’s been in the White House, President Reagan has gotten two hearing aids, a colon operation, skin cancer, prostate surgery, and he’ss been shot. And we the American people should always remember these things – because he won’t.

In response to the voluminous avalance of mail I received last week, asking why we didn’t actually show a picture of Nancy Reagan as the Riddler – here you are, folks!

Roman Catholic bishops this week said that Pope John Paul II will use TransWorld Airlines for his U.S. visit in September. When you hit your knees tonight, I would ask all of you to pray that the person sitting behind the Pope has already seen the movie.

Among the Jim and Tammy Bakker extravagances revealed this week, was this air-conditioned doghouse, now valued at $5,000. Asked why he would air-condition a doghouse, Bakker said, “Because the dogs kept biting the Jews and Mormons we hired to fan them.”

The Washington Post reported yesterday that Jim Bakker had been seen in the PTL steam room frolicking nude with three other men, and that a neglected Tammy Faye had had her breasts enlarged, hoping for a Marilyn Monroe image. The collective Bakker history should inspire us all to become true believers in a Supreme Higher Power that made sure, out of the five billion people in this world, these two creeps found each other.

Dennis Miller: The Iran-Contra Hearings this week concluded tsestimony by several witnesses, all of whom continued to incriminate Lt. Col. Oliver North. Here to respond to this testimony, is Col. North’s attorney, Mr. Thomas Flanagan, Esq.

Tommy Flanagan: Hello. I’m Tommy Flanagan. And I’m here to tell you that my client, Oliver North, is completely innocent. You know how I know? Because it was.. it was me! Yeah, that’s the tic-.. uh.. isn’t that special! [ smiles ]

See, I was working for the CIA with my wife, Morgan Fairchild.. whom I’ve slept with. And we were spies. Yeah! She was on the cover, and I was under-.. water! Yeah, that’s it! I was disguised as a fish in the Hudson River! Yeah! And I was about to bite into a worm when I was caught. Yeah! And they dsold me to the Russian Tea Room, where I was filleted and eaten. And the next thing you know, I was.. I was back in the Hudson! [ shifts eyes ]

So I got on a jet, and I flew to Switzerland with my wife, Morgan Fairchild – whom I’ve slept with. And we were gonna hide.. deposit the money, when my plane crashed in the Himalyas. Yeah, that’s it! And to stay alive, we ate the survivors. ‘Cause the dead ones were rotten! Yeah! So there I was, fighting over the tall co-pilot, with my wife, Morgan Fairchild – whom I’ve seen naked! When suddenly, the co-pilot woke up, and he kicked me in the head, and I blacked out! And the next thing you know –

Dennis Miller: Wait a minute, Tommy. What does this have to do with Col. North?

Uh…n-n-nothing! You see, that’s my point! He had nothing to do with it! Yeah, that’s the ticket!

Dennis Miller: Tommy Flanagan. Thanks, Tom.

In a blatant effort to curry favor with a French judge and jury, accused Nazi war crimial Klaus Barbie told a stunned courtroom in Leone this week that his favorite movie has always been “The Nutty Professor”.

Sixty years ago this week, Charles Lindbergh made the historic first transatlantic solo flight in The Spirit of St. Louis, thereby paving the way for those cretins to lose my luggage.

[ to picture of “Ernest Goes To Camp” poster ]Well, this thing came out this week. What in the hell is wrong with mankind?

Amid all the noise about the Joan Rivers cancellation, ABC has cancelled “Our World”, which featured Linda Ellerbee. The two unemployed women plan to get together and open a chain of charm schools in Libya.

Donna Rice, of the recent Gary Hart scandal, was dropped from Proctor & Gamble’s commercial for Foldger’s Coffee. This decision really surprises me, folks, because she would seem to be an ideal spokesperson for a coffee company – I mean, it’s obvious she’s good at keeping people up all night.

This is Ellen Stolz, 23, a paraplegic student from California, who it was announced will appear in an eight-page layout in the July issue of Playboy Magazine. Defending his action, Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner said, “While Ellen is paralyzed from the neck down, many of the young women who have appeared in our centerfolds in the last thirty years were paralyzed from the neck up. Trust me, I know. I’ve hit on them all.”

A manuscript of a Mozart symphony sold yesterday at Sotheby’s in London for $4.4 million, the highest price ever paid for a music manuscript. The lowest price ever recorded for a music manuscript was last January, when somebody bought the original manuscript of Lionel Richie’s “Ballerina Girl” for a buck-seventy-five.

The Vandasolay people came out with a new product this week – Vandasolay #45. When applied to the skin, it destroys the sun, and, consequently, the solar system as we know it.

This week, the United States Patent Office officially changed the name of the TV remote channel changer. From here on in, it’ll be referred to as a chh-chh!

Dennis Miller: Here one last time for the season, is A. Whitney Brown with The Big Picture. Hello, Whitney.

A. Whitney Brown: Dennis. Thank you. As always, at this time of year, I’d like to address a few remarks to the latest blooming flower of our educational system, the Class of 1987. Unfortunately, a full 16% of you out there will be functionally illiterate. I’m afraid you’ll have a hard road to hold in the job market. After all, there are only so many staff positions at USA Today.

But, in many ways, you’re wiser than my own generation. We wanted to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. God, what a bunch of simps we were. My advice to you is, just try and make the world a little bit better place, for those who can afford it. And, of course, you have to stand up for what you believe in, even though you could be wrong. Because there are two sides to every issue. Then again, sometimes there isn’t. So, you have to keep an open mind. That is, unless you’re right. And even then, you never know. Unless you’re sure. In which case, it’s probably not worth sticking your neck out.

[ Whitney takes out a series of ping-pong balls ]

Perhaps a visual aid would help. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “World” ] The world is a complex place. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “Gene Poll” ] On one hand, you have commitments to your family. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “$” ] Which is not always consistent with your professional goals. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “Patriotism” ] Which, as we’ve seen, often run counter to the interests of the country as a whole. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “The Big One” ] And hanging over everything, the constant threat of nuclear annilhation. [ collects ping-pong balls between his hands and stands ] Well, you have to keep all these things going at the same time, and, believe me, it won’t be easy. [ juggles the ping-pong balls to perfection, only dropping one of them towards the end ] Thank God it wasn’t career!

That, my friends, is The Big Picture.

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Whitney. Now, did you do the elaborate lettering on those balls yourself?

You know, Snow White turned 50 this week. When asked if this was a happy time in her life, she said, “Oh, yeah, my life’s been great. I’ve been stuck in a house for the last thirty years with seven midgets, not one of whom is named Horny.”

Dennis Miller: You know, since this is the end of our season, and we won’t see each other for a while, I’d like something to remember you all by. [ pulls out a Polaroid camera ] So, if everybody at homecould just get around your TV sets.. Come on, everybody. Say “government surplus cheese.” [ snaps the picture, as the Polaroid image pops out ] I’ll keep this close always.

Now, guess what, folks? I’m gonna go grow my hair for a few months, so thanks for a nice year, ’cause that’s the season, and I am out of here!

SNL Transcripts

Heaven’s Database


Heaven’s Database

Deceased…..JohnLarroquette
Angel…..Dana Carvey


[ open on close-up of Deceased’s face, as he reflects on his death ]

Deceased: So, suddenly I was looking down at my own body, lying there on the stretcher. And there was no pain, no fear, only peace. And I began to float through a dark tunnel, toward a dazzling light. And I distinctly heard one of the doctors say, “Turn off the respirator, we’ve lost him.”

[ screen widens to reveal the Deceased sitting next to an Angel in Heaven ]

Angel: Yeah.. well.. doctors can’t always be wrong, huh?

Deceased: So, I guess the idea is, I’m dead, huh?

Angel: Yeah. Uh-huh.

Deceased: O-kay.. How’d it happen?

Angel: Well.. it actually started with some rough-housing.

Deceased: No.

Angel: Yep. You were playing football in the house, and you fell down and broke your neck.

Deceased: [ intrigued ] I actually broke my neck rough-housing? My mom was right! [ grins ] So, you’re obviously a saint?

Angel: Yeah.. yeah.

Deceased: Which one?

Angel: Uh.. you wouldn’t have heard of me..

Deceased: No, really! Come on, which one?

Angel: [ sighs ] Saint Cornelius. See, I told you.

Deceased: So, you know everything about me, my whole life, right?

Angel: Yeah.

Deceased: Whoa! Uh.. what was the biggest mistake I ever made?

Angel: Well.. you left the church..

Deceased: No, no.. I meant, like, in earthly terms.

Angel: Oh. Um.. well, one time you were walking on the beach in Bermuda, and you walked right over a treasure chest. You would have only had to have dug, maybe four of five inches, it would have been worth $40 million.

Deceased: [ disappointed ] Aw, really?!

Angel: Hey, hey, relax.. it’s over! It doesn’t matter up here.

Deceased: Alright. Just out of curiosity, what career was I really suited for? I know it wasn’t selling copiers.

Angel: Well, uh.. believe it or not, you were ideally suited to be the President of the United States.

Deceased: [ aghast ] Oh, no, you’re kidding! Me, the President! [ laughs ] I really screwed up!

Angel: Hey, hey, don’t worry about it, it’s no big deal. Don’t worry.

Deceased: Okay. Tell me this: which of the girls I knew secretly had a crush on me?

Angel: Well.. there was Denise Baker..

Deceased: Oh, yeah?

Angel: ..Patty Patronik..

Deceased: Oh, right..

Angel: .. and, uh.. Stephanie Zimmer.

Deceased: Oh. Uh-huh. No one else?

Angel: No.

Deceased: Well. Let’s see.. what’s the grossest thing I ever ate?

Angel: You don’t want to know.

Deceased: Oh. Okay. What about the 200th grossest thing?

Angel: Okay.. that would be some butterscotch pudding that had a dead earwig in it.

Deceased: [ grimaces ] Oh, gross! You mean I never tasted it!

Angel: Well, you made this very funny face.. but you were watching a football game on TV at the time..

Deceased: This is so wild! So, you know everything? Alright.. alright.. who would have won between Secreatariat and Man-Of-War?

Angel: Man-Of-War.

Deceased: Hmm.. really? What kind of sit-ups are better – bent-knee, or straight-knee?

Angel: Straight.

Deceased: I knew it! That gym teacher was such an idiot!

Angel: Yeah.. he was.

Deceased: Okay.. okay.. which one’s better: Beatles or Stones?

Angel: Beatles.

Deceased: Ah-ha! Dogs or cats?

Angel: Dogs.

Deceased: Smooth or chunky?

Angel: Chunky.

Deceased: Huh? [ thinking ] Okay, okay, I got one! Which one wins: the irresistable force, or the immovable object?

Angel: The irresistable force.

Deceased: Huh.. interesting. Okay. Of the following people, which ,if any, are still alive: Elvis, Jim Morrison, Jimmy Hoffa, Andy Kaufman, or Hitler.

Angel: Uh.. that’d be Jim Morrison and Hitler.

Deceased: [ shocked ] Hitler?!

Angel: Hey, don’t worry. We’re really gonna nail him.

Deceased: Boy.. this is so weird! I don’t even know what to ask.. okay – Bruce Willis. I mean, that guy, he had to make a deal with the devil, right?

Angel: Yeah.

Deceased: I knew it! I knew it! Okay, who else? Sugar Ray Leonard?

Angel: Yeah.

Deceased: Yeah! Who else?

Angel: Oh, there’s so many..

Deceased: Alright.. alright.. Hey! What is the one thing that would surprise me the most if I knew it?

Angel: [ laughs ] You couldn’t handle it.

Deceased: Alright, okay, okay.. How about the 368th most surprising fact?

Angel: Professional wrestling is real.

Deceased: [ surprised ] What’s the weirdest thing that causes cancer?

Angel: Uh.. looking at goldfish.

Deceased: Whoa-oa! Why did they change the formula for Coke?

Angel: [ dramatic pause ] No one knows.

Deceased: Hmm.. What happened to that $50 bill I lost at graduation?

Angel: You didn’t lose it – your uncle stole it.

Deceased: Wha..? [ laughs ] This is the greatest thing that ever happened! I love this!

Angel: Well, good, I’m glad! Hey, come on, let’s go, I want to show you around..

Deceased: Hey, wait, I gotta know one thing: does God have a favorite religion?

Angel: Yes.

Deceased: Which one?

Angel: Lutheran.

Deceased: Huh!

[ they exit to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Sold-Out Gold

Sold-Out Gold

Daughter…..Victoria Jackson
Father…..Kevin Nealon
David Crosby…..Jon Lovitz


[ open on Father and Daughter dancing to “Good Vibrations” by the Beach Boys ]

Daughter: Wow, Dad, that’s the Sunkist Song!

Father: No, Jennifer, it’s the Beach Boys. I grew up listening to this music!

Daughter: Wow, Dad! You’re cooler than I thought!

Father: You mean now, there’s music we both can enjoy?

[ cut to David Crosby in a recording studio ]

David Crosby: There sure is, man! Hi, I’m David Crosby. Hey, did you know that many of today’s best-loved commercial jingles are actually based on classics from the sixties? Cause they are, man. Now all this great music is available on one collection… [ holds up record SOLD OUT GOLD ] Sold Out Gold! You’ll get great hits like Orange Vibrations.

[ SUPER: “SUNKIST VIBRATIONS – The Beach Boys”, to the tune of “GoodVibrations” ]

“I’m picking up orange vibrations,
Sunkist Orange Soda taste sensations..

David Crosby: Or the Nike Song!

[ SUPER: “THE NIKE SONG – The Beatles”, to the tune of “Revolution” ]

“There’s got to be a revolution
Well, you know…

David Crosby: And if you order now, man, we’ll sell you this additional album.. [ holds up record SOLD OUT BRONZE ] ..Sold Out Bronze! 20 never-before-aired commercials, including this one from Time Magazine.

[ SUPER: “IN-A-TIME-MAGAZINE – Iron Butterfly”, to the tune of”In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida” ]

“In a Time magazine, now baby
It’s got all the news, if you care.

David Crosby: Or this Doors tune for General Electric!
[ SUPER: “GENERAL ELECTRIC – The Doors”, to the tune of “People Are Strange” ]

“Self-cleaning oven,
Digital timer,
Chicken is tasty
When broiled in my range
G.E. range,
Pastries come out all the same,
G.E. range..

David Crosby: And White Shirt!

[ SUPER: “WHITE SHIRT – Jefferson Airplane”, to the tune of “White Rabbit” ]

“One shirt makes you formal,
And one shirt has short sleeves,
Ask Arrow
For your shirt needs.

[ Shown: a picture of the Rolling Stones and a box of Eggo Waffles ]

“Hey you, leggo my eggo!
Hey you, leggo my eggo!
Hey you, leggo my eggo!

David Crosby: Plus, these other Sold-Out Bronze classics!

[ Titles scroll:

“TALKING ABOUT (MY KEN-L-RATION) – The Who”
“(HEY YOU) LEGGO MY EGGO – The Rolling Stones”
“THE WIND CRIES SHASTA – Jimi Hendrix”
“INCENSE AND FEENA-MINTS – Strawberry Alarm Clock”
“JEEP CHEROKEE PEOPLE – Paul Revere and the Raiders”
“WHERE HAVE ALL THE PRINGLES GONE? – Peter, Paul, & Mary” ]

David Crosby: [ holding both albums] I’ve listened to these albums over 300 times, man! Now you can too by ordering today. Here’s how, man:

(bugs his eyes)

Send $19.69 to:
SOLD-OUT GOLD
P.O. Box 1965
Silver Springs, IN, 01965

Or call 1-800-SIX-TIES, yeah.

[ cut back to father and daughter dancing to the tune of “We Gotta GetOut of This Place” ]

“We gotta get out of this place
And take a trip to the Poconos.
We gotta get out of this place..

[ fade to black ]

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mark Harmon: 05/09/87


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

May 9th, 1987

Mark Harmon

Suzanne Vega

None

Suzanne Vega, “Marlene On The Wall”

  • The New Charlie’s Angels

  • Mark Harmon’s Monologue

    Recurring Characters: Peter Graves, Pat Stevens.

  • Very Smart Theatre

  • Iran Contra Hearings

  • Einstein Express

  • Suzanne Vega performs “Luka”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • Salmon

  • “Dave’s Party”

  • Mark Harmon, the Perfect Spokesman

  • Ching Change

    Recurring Characters: Ching Change.

  • Suzanne Vega performs “Marlene On The Wall”

  • Myowling Bible

  • Novice Sketch Artist

    SNL Transcripts

  • The New Charlie’s Angels


    The New Charlie’s Angels

    Donna Rice…..Nora Dunn
    Jessica Hahn…..Jan Hooks
    Fawn Hall…..Victoria Jackson
    John Bosley…..Jon Lovitz
    Ted Kennedy…..Phil Hartman
    Chase Steele…..Mark Harmon


    Announcer: This is the story of three beautiful girls. Jessica.. [ shows Jessica Hahn – SUPER: “Starring Jessica Hahn ] ..Fawn.. [ shows Fawn Hall – SUPER: “Starring Fawn Hall” ] ..and Donna.. [ shows Donna Rice – SUPER: “Starring Donna Rice ]. They were stuck in run-of-the-mill jobs. Church secretary.. [ Jessica Hahn runs from a church ] ..former part-time model turned government secretary.. [ Fawn Hall runs past the White House ] ..and struggling young actress/model [ Donna Rice stands in front of boat yard, later joined by Jessica Hahn and Fawn Hall ]. But all of that changed when they became “The New Charlie’s Angels”. [ shows them in silhoette, explosion behind them ] [ cut to Office, John Bosley at desk, Fawn and Donna on the couch. Jessica enters ]

    Jessica Hahn: Hi, angels!

    Fawn Hall and Donna Rice: Hi!

    Jessica Hahn: So, I heard there was a parallel. [ sits on John Bosley’s desk ] What’s up, Bos?

    John Bosley: Well angels, Charlie called a meeting. [ To Donna ] By the way, Donna, congratulations on Operation Hart Failure.

    Donna Rice: Well, thanks Bos, but the funny thing is he never laid a finger on me. Even on the boat trip he just wanted to talk about the issues.

    John Bosley: Well, it doesn’t matter. [ goes to bulletin board with pictures of presidential front runners ] Goodbye, Gary! [ crosses out Gary Hart’s picture ] By the way, Jessica..

    Jessica Hahn: What?

    John Bosley: You played the press like a violin.

    Jessica Hahn: Oh, I know, but Jim Bakker was sooo disgusting, ewwww. I drank my own wine.

    John Bosley: Well, I don’t think we need to worry about a televangelist president. Goodbye, Pat Robertson! [ crosses out Pat Robertson’s picture ]

    Fawn Hall: Bosley, I’m bored. When do I get to testify in that big room?

    John Bosley: Relax, Fawn. Your body kept the Iran scam issue on all the papers. Yes sir, Bush is history! [ crosses out George Bush’s picture ]

    Jessica Hahn: But Bos, doesn’t the public suspect anything?

    John Bosley: No way. The public just thinks they’re a string ofunrelated events. Meanwhile, you’ve knocked out three of the frontrunners. I know Charlie will be very happy about that. [ goes to the phone ] Isn’t that right, Charlie?

    Ted Kennedy: [ on the phone in his office, while a woman pours him beer ] Oh that’s for sure. I can’t imagine three more glamouous salvagers than Fawn, Donna, and Jessica.

    John Bosley: Well project Phoenix is right on schedule, Charlie.

    Ted Kennedy: Yes, now let’s proceed toward our target, the national convention in Atlanta.

    Jessica Hahn: Hey Charlie, why did I have to do that thing with Muskie?

    Angels: Ewww!

    Jessica Hahn: And he wasn’t even running!

    Angels: Ewww!

    Ted Kennedy: Well, my apologies, Jessica. That was just a clerical error.

    Jessica Hahn: Oh.

    Ted Kennedy: [ woman in office is now massaging him ] Now, angels, if I may direct your attention to the center court area. [ Chase Steele enters through the doorway ] Say hello to our newest angel, Chase Steele.

    Jessica Hahn: Ooh la laa!

    [ Jessica, Fawn, and Donna go to Chase ]

    Ted Kennedy: Chase, you’ll be relieved to hear I’m taking you off Jack Kemp. Now how about a progress report on Operation Pineapple?

    Chase Steele: Well, Senator Dole’s a pretty straight arrow. So I’m going after his wife, Secretary of Transportation. I have a hunch she’ll not mind if I inspect her cargo. [ kisses Jessica, as Donna and Fawn giggle ]

    Ted Kennedy: All right, but be careful. In my experience, Republican women are harder to open than a liquor store in Nebraska.

    Chase Steele: Charlie, you want Liz Dole, you got her. Just get the reporters there. Twenty minutes alone with me on the New Jersey turnpike, she’ll be underneath the bridge with her dress on up over her head, screaming, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

    Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

    SNL Transcripts

    Einstein Express

    Einstein Express

    Mr. Edwards…Jon Lovitz
    Harry Butterworth…Phil Hartman
    Einstein Express Clerk…Jan Hooks
    Customer…Kevin Nealon


    [ Open on Mr. Edwards in his office, answering phone call from his boss, Harry Butterworth ]

    Mr. Edwards: Hello?

    Harry Butterworth: Edwards, where’s that report?

    Mr. Edwards: Report?

    Harry Butterworth: It was supposed to be here last week!

    Mr. Edwards: Uhh…

    Harry Butterworth: You’re fired! [ slams down his phone ]

    [ Mr. Edwards, realizing he forgot to send in the report, immediately hangs up and types up the report quickly ]

    Announcer: There are lots of overnight express delivery services – Federal Express, Duralater, Emery. They all do a fine job when you’re racing a deadline. But what do you do if you’ve already missed your deadine? When it’s already too late, it’s time to call us. Einstein Express.

    [ logo appears on screen ]

    [ Mr. Edwards is seen at Einstein Express office, standing in Clerk’s line ]

    Clerk: Hello. [ weighs package ] Two pounds. And when does it have to be there?

    Mr. Edwards: [ nervous ] Uh.. three days ago?

    Clerk: [ checks calendar ] Okay, that’s last Friday.

    Announcer: Using a patented superconductor matrix, coupled with Einstein’s theory of space-time continum, we can transport any document or package up to ten pounds into the past.

    [ clerk puts package in time machine, sets it to three days ago, sending it into the past. Mr Edwards is amazed. ]

    [ SUPER: “Maxinmum time warp: Six months” ]

    Announcer: Sure, it costs a little more..

    Clerk: That’ll be 57 dollars.

    [ Mr. Edwards hands her the money and leaves ]

    Announcer: But there are times when nothing else will do.

    [ Next Customer comes up, holding a container of birth control pills ]

    Customer: I gotta get these pills to my girlfriend.. four months ago.

    [ back in Harry Butterworth’s office, Harry is talking to Mr. Edwards on the phone ]

    Harry Butterworth: Edwards, I read your report over the weekend. It’s brilliant.. partner!

    [ back in Mr. Edwards’ office, Mr Edwards hangs up, feeling relieved ]

    Announcer: Einstein Express. When it absolutely, positively, has to be there the day before yesterday.

    Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

    SNL Transcripts

    Don & Nancy


    Don & Nancy

    President Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman
    Don Regan…..Kevin Nealon
    Nancy Reagan…..Jan Hooks


    [ open on exterior, White House ] [ SUPER: “The White House” ] [ SUPER: “Thuesday” ] [ SUPER: “February 26, 1987” ] [ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President Ronald Reagan speaking with Don Regan ]

    Don Regan: Mr. President, the Tower Commission has completed its report.

    President Ronald Reagan: Well, Don, you know, I’m glad this thing is finally coming out. And your future here as Chief-of-Staff depends on how you fare in the report.

    Don Regan: Well, Mr. President, I brought your copy. [ hands over a bulky booklet ]

    President Ronald Reagan: Oh, boy.. that’s a big one. How big is it?

    Don Regan: It’s about 300 pages.

    President Ronald Reagan: Oh.

    Don Regan: I did take the trouble of preparing a summary of the report. [ hands over a less bulky booklet ]

    President Ronald Reagan: Oh. Good. [ leafs through the booklet with wonder ]

    Don Regan: Uh.. it’s about 27 pages long, sir.

    President Ronald Reagan: Oh.

    Don Regan: Perhaps you’d like to just scan an outline of the summary. [ hands over a few sheets of paper ]

    President Ronald Reagan: Oh. Sure. How long is that?

    Don Regan: 6 pages.

    President Ronald Reagan: Oh.

    Don Regan: Now, I havce an abstract of the outline. That might be the most sufficient.

    President Ronald Reagan: Uh-huh.

    Don Regan: Or, if you’d like, I could just as easily give you an oral report of the abstract.

    President Ronald Reagan: Well, that would probably make the most sense!

    Don Regan: Well, first of all, the report is all and all, pretty good.

    President Ronald Reagan: [ excited ] Really? Well, how did I come out?

    Don Regan: Very well.

    President Ronald Reagan: Well, does it say I approved shipments of arms to Iran?

    Don Regan: Uh, yes it does.

    President Ronald Reagan: [ curious ] Did I?

    Don Regan: Uh.. yes, you did.

    President Ronald Reagan: Well, then, it’s a ogod report, and God bless the men and women who put it together.

    Don Regan: Yes.

    President Ronald Reagan: So, how did you come off, Don? I guess that’s the $64,000 question.

    Don Regan: Well, actually, they said my behavior was beyond reproach.

    President Ronald Reagan: Well, there, buddy! Congratulations! [ shakes Don’s hand ]

    Don Regan: Hmm..

    [ Nancy Reagan enters. She and Don exchange nasty looks. ]

    Nancy Reagan: I didn’t realize that you were still here.

    President Ronald Reagan: Well, as a matter of fact, Mommy, Don is gonna be staying on indefinately.

    Nancy Reagan: Staying on?!

    Don Regan: That is the President’s wish.

    President Ronald Reagan: Well, I’m going to call it a day now, but before I go, I just want to say something. I can tell you two don’t get along. Now, I may not know much about foreign policy, or the budget, or trade relations.. or national defense. Or education. Or foreign policy. Or health, or social security, or.. the history of our country, really. Or how the different branches of our government work. But I do know one thing: people. And I’ll tell you something. The reason you two can’t get along is that you’re so much alike. now, I’m gonna head upstairs, and I want you to know, well.. that I’d like you to hash this out. And I think you’ll see that I’m right. Will you do that for me? Don?

    Don Regan: [ sighs ] I’ll try, Mr. President.

    President Ronald Reagan: Nancy?

    Nancy Reagan: [ disgusted ] For you, dear.

    President Ronald Reagan: See you tomorrow. [ exits Oval Office ] [ Nancy and Don exchange now-knowing glances ]

    Nancy Reagan: Do you think he knows about us?

    Don Regan: Not a chance!

    Nancy Reagan: What about the Tower Commission?

    Don Regan: We’re home free.

    Nancy Reagan: [ grabs Don’s tie ] You know, I’m sorry about what I said about you to the press.

    Don Regan: Ah, I’m not worried about that, Nancy. But, uh, isn’t there something else you want to say?

    Nancy Reagan: [ coolly innocent ] What do you mean?

    Don Regan: You know damn well what I mean! Howard Baker!

    Nancy Reagan: [ laughs ] Howard Baker? Come on, we had lunch a couple of times, that’s all.

    Don Regan: That’s not what I hear!

    Nancy Reagan: Come on, Don, what are you saying?

    Don Regan: I’m saying that I don’t trust you! I love you, but I don’t trust you!

    Nancy Reagan: Don, I know you don’t mean that. It’s this crazy town, that’s what it is. I mean, in a little while it’ll be over, and then I promise you we’ll get away. I promise you that. [ tugs at Don’s jacket ]

    Don Regan: I guess I’ve just been under a little strain lately. It’s just that you can’t trust anybody..

    Nancy Reagan: Trust me! Come on, baby!

    [ they begin to make out passionately, climbing atop the President’s desk and groping at one another ] [ President Ronald Reagan re-enters the room, smiling at the sight ]

    President Ronald Reagan: [ to the camera ] See? They’re getting along just fine! I’m telling you – I know people! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

    SNL Transcripts

    Salmon


    Salmon

    Female Salmon…..Victoria Jackson
    Male Salmon…..Mark Harmon
    Male Salmon #2…..Kevin Nealon


    Announcer: The salmon. In terms of strength, endurance and navigational ability, perhaps the most remarkable of God’s creatures. In an odyssey of mythic proportion, they swim downstream to live in the sea. Then, as adults, they make the arduous journey thousands of miles back to the very streams that gave them birth. There, just before they die, they spawn.

    [ open on Female Salmon spawning, as Male Salmon swims over ]

    Male Salmon: Excuse, me, Miss, but, uh.. can I ask you a question? Are you spawning? ‘Cause.. I just thought if you were, maybe I could join you?

    [ Female Salmon swims away in disgust, as Second Male Salmon swims in ]

    Male Salmon #2: Hey, Mr. Subtle! Why don’t you just go up and grab her, for Gosh sakes!

    Male Salmon: What do you mean?

    Male Salmon #2: What I mean is: you know she’s spawning, I know she’s spawning. But you can’t just go, “How about it, Baby?” You gotta be romantic.

    Male Salmon: Romantic? I’m gonna die any day now! I don’t have time for romantic!

    Male Salmon #2: Look, I’m telling you, it works. I must have spawned with twenty female today. And what time is it now, noon?

    Male Salmon: Twenty? Aren’t you afraid of getting.. salmonella?

    Male Salmon #2: Aw, forget it!

    [ Second Male Salmon swims away ]

    Male Salmon: Hmm.. romantic, huh?

    [ SUPER: “Later That Day” ] [ scene dissolves to Female Salmon in another part of the stream, as Male Salmon swims over with a larva in tow ]

    Male Salmon: Excuse me.

    Female Salmon: [ put off ] Oh, it’s you.

    Male Salmon: Yeah, I just wanted to apologize for what I said before. Here. I brought you a little something. [ nudges the larva towards her ]

    Female Salmon: Oh? Oh, really? Well, I am kind of hungry. It looks delicious. They’re really hard to find, you know?

    Male Salmon: [ blushing ] Oh, that’s okay. It was a stone fly larva. I can find them. I just push over a big rock with my snout, and they’re all over underneath.

    Female Salmon: [ smiling ] You can push over rocks with your snout?

    Male Salmon: Big ones!

    Female Salmon: Wow! You must be strong! I bet that you could break a twenty-pound test!

    Male Salmon: Well, I hope I never have to find out – knock on wood!

    Female Salmon: [ laughs ]

    Male Salmon: So.. you from around here?

    Female Salmon: Originally.

    Male Salmon: Me, too.

    Female Salmon: Oh, yeah, of course. I guess we’re all from around here, or we wouldn’t be here.

    Male Salmon: It sure is beautiful, isn’t it?

    Female Salmon: Yeah.

    Male Salmon: I’d like my smallfry to grow up here.

    Female Salmon: Me, too. You know, it’s so depressing downstream. Everybody’s just, “Me, me, me!” It’s like, “What can I eat?”

    Male Salmon: Oh, it makes you sick, doesn’t it? I mean, that ocean water really hurts my eyes.

    Female Salmon: Me, too.

    [ they both start to say something at once ]

    Female Salmon: [ laughing ] You go ahead!

    Male Salmon: [ laughing ] No. You. You!

    Female Salmon: Well.. I was just thinking about that waterfall about three miles back. I didn’t think I was ever gonna get over that thing!

    Male Salmon: Oh, tell me about it! Boy! I think the key is, you can’t be afraid to look stupid.

    Female Salmon: Really? You know, that’s so true..

    Male Salmon: Hey! Watch this! [ he swims a backwards loop around her ]

    Female Salmon: Wow! I’m impressed! You’re really good! You know, a lot of those mating dances are so blatant and mindless.

    Male Salmon: Thanks!

    Female Salmon: You know.. um.. I have a little place over there behind that boulder.

    Male Salmon: Really?

    Female Salmon: Yeah.. it’s sort of a little area that I hollowed out in ther gravel with my tail. You wouldn’t, uh.. want to come over and see it, would you?

    Male Salmon: Well, actually, I was on my way to – Yeah, I’ll go over there.

    Female Salmon: Oh, good! It’s just right over there, past that log.

    [ she leads the direction, but a bear captures her instead ]

    Male Salmon: Hey! Hey! Hey, let her go! Bear!

    [ she swims back into the scene, crying ]

    Female Salmon: [ in tears ] Did you see that?!

    Male Salmon: Are you okay?

    Female Salmon: I.. I think so..

    Male Salmon: Damn bears! I hate them! You still want to go over to your place?

    Female Salmon: Oh, gosh, let’s just do it right here!

    Male Salmon: I think we’d better.

    Female Salmon: I think so, too.

    [ they begin to spawn together, to fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/21/87


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    March 21st, 1987

    Bill Murray

    Percy Sledge

    None

  • Bill’s Missing Show

  • Bill Murray’s Monologue

  • Reach Out

  • One-Night Stand

  • Donahue

    Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue.

  • Nick Slammer

    Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer.

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • Girl-Crazy Obstetrician

  • Percy Sledge performs “When A Man Loves A Woman”

  • Il Returno De Hercules

  • Mikey Can’t Shoot

  • Honker Drives A Cab

    Recurring Characters:Honker,

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Garry Shandling: 05/16/87


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    May 16th, 1987

    Garry Shandling

    Los Lobos

    Tracy Ullman

    Los Lobos, “Is That All There Is”

  • Iran-Contra Hearings

    Robert McFarlane (Phil Hartman) gets upset during Iran-Contra Hearings.

  • Garry Shandling’s Monologue

    Shandling ponders what type of monologue he would like to do.

  • Department Store Sketch

    Shandling ruins department store sketch by breaking character.

  • The Puppy

    Masterful jewel thief The Puppy (Dana Carvey) acts just like a little dog.

  • Support Group Therapy

    Stu (Shandling) tells support group false stories about his mother (Jan Hooks).

  • Los Lobos performs “Is That All There Is”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

    Jimmy Stewart (Dana Carvey) speaks against the colorization of black-and-white films.

    Recurring Characters: Jimmy Stewart.

  • The Teeny Cafe

    Babette (Nora Dunn) warms the crowd at her Teeny Cafe.

    Recurring Characters: Babette.

  • Chewing Tobacco Airline

    Couple (Shandling, Victoria Jackson) endure flight filled with tobacco chewers.

  • “Hollywood Mom”

    Tracy Ullman’s baby doesn’t share her love for fame.

  • Anniversary Dinner

    Couple (Dana Carvey, Jan Hooks) still fight, despite marriage counseling.

  • Los Lobos performs “One Time, One Night”

    SNL Transcripts