Weekend Update with Dennis Miller


Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
…..Al Franken
…..Victoria Jackson


Music Intro: “Born To Run”, Bruce Springsteen.

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with your anchorperson, Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

It was reported this week that a new Boeing 747 was being readied for the president as the next Air Force One. It will arrive in Wichita this month for a year of modification and finishing work. Among the expected modifications will the installation of a new seat belt that even the president himself will be able to operate.

Since he’s been in the White House, President Reagan has gotten two hearing aids, a colon operation, skin cancer, prostate surgery, and he’ss been shot. And we the American people should always remember these things – because he won’t.

In response to the voluminous avalance of mail I received last week, asking why we didn’t actually show a picture of Nancy Reagan as the Riddler – here you are, folks!

Roman Catholic bishops this week said that Pope John Paul II will use TransWorld Airlines for his U.S. visit in September. When you hit your knees tonight, I would ask all of you to pray that the person sitting behind the Pope has already seen the movie.

Among the Jim and Tammy Bakker extravagances revealed this week, was this air-conditioned doghouse, now valued at $5,000. Asked why he would air-condition a doghouse, Bakker said, “Because the dogs kept biting the Jews and Mormons we hired to fan them.”

The Washington Post reported yesterday that Jim Bakker had been seen in the PTL steam room frolicking nude with three other men, and that a neglected Tammy Faye had had her breasts enlarged, hoping for a Marilyn Monroe image. The collective Bakker history should inspire us all to become true believers in a Supreme Higher Power that made sure, out of the five billion people in this world, these two creeps found each other.

Dennis Miller: The Iran-Contra Hearings this week concluded tsestimony by several witnesses, all of whom continued to incriminate Lt. Col. Oliver North. Here to respond to this testimony, is Col. North’s attorney, Mr. Thomas Flanagan, Esq.

Tommy Flanagan: Hello. I’m Tommy Flanagan. And I’m here to tell you that my client, Oliver North, is completely innocent. You know how I know? Because it was.. it was me! Yeah, that’s the tic-.. uh.. isn’t that special! [ smiles ]

See, I was working for the CIA with my wife, Morgan Fairchild.. whom I’ve slept with. And we were spies. Yeah! She was on the cover, and I was under-.. water! Yeah, that’s it! I was disguised as a fish in the Hudson River! Yeah! And I was about to bite into a worm when I was caught. Yeah! And they dsold me to the Russian Tea Room, where I was filleted and eaten. And the next thing you know, I was.. I was back in the Hudson! [ shifts eyes ]

So I got on a jet, and I flew to Switzerland with my wife, Morgan Fairchild – whom I’ve slept with. And we were gonna hide.. deposit the money, when my plane crashed in the Himalyas. Yeah, that’s it! And to stay alive, we ate the survivors. ‘Cause the dead ones were rotten! Yeah! So there I was, fighting over the tall co-pilot, with my wife, Morgan Fairchild – whom I’ve seen naked! When suddenly, the co-pilot woke up, and he kicked me in the head, and I blacked out! And the next thing you know –

Dennis Miller: Wait a minute, Tommy. What does this have to do with Col. North?

Uh…n-n-nothing! You see, that’s my point! He had nothing to do with it! Yeah, that’s the ticket!

Dennis Miller: Tommy Flanagan. Thanks, Tom.

In a blatant effort to curry favor with a French judge and jury, accused Nazi war crimial Klaus Barbie told a stunned courtroom in Leone this week that his favorite movie has always been “The Nutty Professor”.

Sixty years ago this week, Charles Lindbergh made the historic first transatlantic solo flight in The Spirit of St. Louis, thereby paving the way for those cretins to lose my luggage.

[ to picture of “Ernest Goes To Camp” poster ]Well, this thing came out this week. What in the hell is wrong with mankind?

Amid all the noise about the Joan Rivers cancellation, ABC has cancelled “Our World”, which featured Linda Ellerbee. The two unemployed women plan to get together and open a chain of charm schools in Libya.

Donna Rice, of the recent Gary Hart scandal, was dropped from Proctor & Gamble’s commercial for Foldger’s Coffee. This decision really surprises me, folks, because she would seem to be an ideal spokesperson for a coffee company – I mean, it’s obvious she’s good at keeping people up all night.

This is Ellen Stolz, 23, a paraplegic student from California, who it was announced will appear in an eight-page layout in the July issue of Playboy Magazine. Defending his action, Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner said, “While Ellen is paralyzed from the neck down, many of the young women who have appeared in our centerfolds in the last thirty years were paralyzed from the neck up. Trust me, I know. I’ve hit on them all.”

A manuscript of a Mozart symphony sold yesterday at Sotheby’s in London for $4.4 million, the highest price ever paid for a music manuscript. The lowest price ever recorded for a music manuscript was last January, when somebody bought the original manuscript of Lionel Richie’s “Ballerina Girl” for a buck-seventy-five.

The Vandasolay people came out with a new product this week – Vandasolay #45. When applied to the skin, it destroys the sun, and, consequently, the solar system as we know it.

This week, the United States Patent Office officially changed the name of the TV remote channel changer. From here on in, it’ll be referred to as a chh-chh!

Dennis Miller: Here one last time for the season, is A. Whitney Brown with The Big Picture. Hello, Whitney.

A. Whitney Brown: Dennis. Thank you. As always, at this time of year, I’d like to address a few remarks to the latest blooming flower of our educational system, the Class of 1987. Unfortunately, a full 16% of you out there will be functionally illiterate. I’m afraid you’ll have a hard road to hold in the job market. After all, there are only so many staff positions at USA Today.

But, in many ways, you’re wiser than my own generation. We wanted to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. God, what a bunch of simps we were. My advice to you is, just try and make the world a little bit better place, for those who can afford it. And, of course, you have to stand up for what you believe in, even though you could be wrong. Because there are two sides to every issue. Then again, sometimes there isn’t. So, you have to keep an open mind. That is, unless you’re right. And even then, you never know. Unless you’re sure. In which case, it’s probably not worth sticking your neck out.

[ Whitney takes out a series of ping-pong balls ]

Perhaps a visual aid would help. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “World” ] The world is a complex place. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “Gene Poll” ] On one hand, you have commitments to your family. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “$” ] Which is not always consistent with your professional goals. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “Patriotism” ] Which, as we’ve seen, often run counter to the interests of the country as a whole. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “The Big One” ] And hanging over everything, the constant threat of nuclear annilhation. [ collects ping-pong balls between his hands and stands ] Well, you have to keep all these things going at the same time, and, believe me, it won’t be easy. [ juggles the ping-pong balls to perfection, only dropping one of them towards the end ] Thank God it wasn’t career!

That, my friends, is The Big Picture.

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Whitney. Now, did you do the elaborate lettering on those balls yourself?

You know, Snow White turned 50 this week. When asked if this was a happy time in her life, she said, “Oh, yeah, my life’s been great. I’ve been stuck in a house for the last thirty years with seven midgets, not one of whom is named Horny.”

Dennis Miller: You know, since this is the end of our season, and we won’t see each other for a while, I’d like something to remember you all by. [ pulls out a Polaroid camera ] So, if everybody at homecould just get around your TV sets.. Come on, everybody. Say “government surplus cheese.” [ snaps the picture, as the Polaroid image pops out ] I’ll keep this close always.

Now, guess what, folks? I’m gonna go grow my hair for a few months, so thanks for a nice year, ’cause that’s the season, and I am out of here!

SNL Transcripts

Don & Nancy


Don & Nancy

President Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman
Don Regan…..Kevin Nealon
Nancy Reagan…..Jan Hooks


[ open on exterior, White House ] [ SUPER: “The White House” ] [ SUPER: “Thuesday” ] [ SUPER: “February 26, 1987” ] [ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President Ronald Reagan speaking with Don Regan ]

Don Regan: Mr. President, the Tower Commission has completed its report.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, Don, you know, I’m glad this thing is finally coming out. And your future here as Chief-of-Staff depends on how you fare in the report.

Don Regan: Well, Mr. President, I brought your copy. [ hands over a bulky booklet ]

President Ronald Reagan: Oh, boy.. that’s a big one. How big is it?

Don Regan: It’s about 300 pages.

President Ronald Reagan: Oh.

Don Regan: I did take the trouble of preparing a summary of the report. [ hands over a less bulky booklet ]

President Ronald Reagan: Oh. Good. [ leafs through the booklet with wonder ]

Don Regan: Uh.. it’s about 27 pages long, sir.

President Ronald Reagan: Oh.

Don Regan: Perhaps you’d like to just scan an outline of the summary. [ hands over a few sheets of paper ]

President Ronald Reagan: Oh. Sure. How long is that?

Don Regan: 6 pages.

President Ronald Reagan: Oh.

Don Regan: Now, I havce an abstract of the outline. That might be the most sufficient.

President Ronald Reagan: Uh-huh.

Don Regan: Or, if you’d like, I could just as easily give you an oral report of the abstract.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, that would probably make the most sense!

Don Regan: Well, first of all, the report is all and all, pretty good.

President Ronald Reagan: [ excited ] Really? Well, how did I come out?

Don Regan: Very well.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, does it say I approved shipments of arms to Iran?

Don Regan: Uh, yes it does.

President Ronald Reagan: [ curious ] Did I?

Don Regan: Uh.. yes, you did.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, then, it’s a ogod report, and God bless the men and women who put it together.

Don Regan: Yes.

President Ronald Reagan: So, how did you come off, Don? I guess that’s the $64,000 question.

Don Regan: Well, actually, they said my behavior was beyond reproach.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, there, buddy! Congratulations! [ shakes Don’s hand ]

Don Regan: Hmm..

[ Nancy Reagan enters. She and Don exchange nasty looks. ]

Nancy Reagan: I didn’t realize that you were still here.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, as a matter of fact, Mommy, Don is gonna be staying on indefinately.

Nancy Reagan: Staying on?!

Don Regan: That is the President’s wish.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, I’m going to call it a day now, but before I go, I just want to say something. I can tell you two don’t get along. Now, I may not know much about foreign policy, or the budget, or trade relations.. or national defense. Or education. Or foreign policy. Or health, or social security, or.. the history of our country, really. Or how the different branches of our government work. But I do know one thing: people. And I’ll tell you something. The reason you two can’t get along is that you’re so much alike. now, I’m gonna head upstairs, and I want you to know, well.. that I’d like you to hash this out. And I think you’ll see that I’m right. Will you do that for me? Don?

Don Regan: [ sighs ] I’ll try, Mr. President.

President Ronald Reagan: Nancy?

Nancy Reagan: [ disgusted ] For you, dear.

President Ronald Reagan: See you tomorrow. [ exits Oval Office ] [ Nancy and Don exchange now-knowing glances ]

Nancy Reagan: Do you think he knows about us?

Don Regan: Not a chance!

Nancy Reagan: What about the Tower Commission?

Don Regan: We’re home free.

Nancy Reagan: [ grabs Don’s tie ] You know, I’m sorry about what I said about you to the press.

Don Regan: Ah, I’m not worried about that, Nancy. But, uh, isn’t there something else you want to say?

Nancy Reagan: [ coolly innocent ] What do you mean?

Don Regan: You know damn well what I mean! Howard Baker!

Nancy Reagan: [ laughs ] Howard Baker? Come on, we had lunch a couple of times, that’s all.

Don Regan: That’s not what I hear!

Nancy Reagan: Come on, Don, what are you saying?

Don Regan: I’m saying that I don’t trust you! I love you, but I don’t trust you!

Nancy Reagan: Don, I know you don’t mean that. It’s this crazy town, that’s what it is. I mean, in a little while it’ll be over, and then I promise you we’ll get away. I promise you that. [ tugs at Don’s jacket ]

Don Regan: I guess I’ve just been under a little strain lately. It’s just that you can’t trust anybody..

Nancy Reagan: Trust me! Come on, baby!

[ they begin to make out passionately, climbing atop the President’s desk and groping at one another ] [ President Ronald Reagan re-enters the room, smiling at the sight ]

President Ronald Reagan: [ to the camera ] See? They’re getting along just fine! I’m telling you – I know people! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

Salmon


Salmon

Female Salmon…..Victoria Jackson
Male Salmon…..Mark Harmon
Male Salmon #2…..Kevin Nealon


Announcer: The salmon. In terms of strength, endurance and navigational ability, perhaps the most remarkable of God’s creatures. In an odyssey of mythic proportion, they swim downstream to live in the sea. Then, as adults, they make the arduous journey thousands of miles back to the very streams that gave them birth. There, just before they die, they spawn.

[ open on Female Salmon spawning, as Male Salmon swims over ]

Male Salmon: Excuse, me, Miss, but, uh.. can I ask you a question? Are you spawning? ‘Cause.. I just thought if you were, maybe I could join you?

[ Female Salmon swims away in disgust, as Second Male Salmon swims in ]

Male Salmon #2: Hey, Mr. Subtle! Why don’t you just go up and grab her, for Gosh sakes!

Male Salmon: What do you mean?

Male Salmon #2: What I mean is: you know she’s spawning, I know she’s spawning. But you can’t just go, “How about it, Baby?” You gotta be romantic.

Male Salmon: Romantic? I’m gonna die any day now! I don’t have time for romantic!

Male Salmon #2: Look, I’m telling you, it works. I must have spawned with twenty female today. And what time is it now, noon?

Male Salmon: Twenty? Aren’t you afraid of getting.. salmonella?

Male Salmon #2: Aw, forget it!

[ Second Male Salmon swims away ]

Male Salmon: Hmm.. romantic, huh?

[ SUPER: “Later That Day” ] [ scene dissolves to Female Salmon in another part of the stream, as Male Salmon swims over with a larva in tow ]

Male Salmon: Excuse me.

Female Salmon: [ put off ] Oh, it’s you.

Male Salmon: Yeah, I just wanted to apologize for what I said before. Here. I brought you a little something. [ nudges the larva towards her ]

Female Salmon: Oh? Oh, really? Well, I am kind of hungry. It looks delicious. They’re really hard to find, you know?

Male Salmon: [ blushing ] Oh, that’s okay. It was a stone fly larva. I can find them. I just push over a big rock with my snout, and they’re all over underneath.

Female Salmon: [ smiling ] You can push over rocks with your snout?

Male Salmon: Big ones!

Female Salmon: Wow! You must be strong! I bet that you could break a twenty-pound test!

Male Salmon: Well, I hope I never have to find out – knock on wood!

Female Salmon: [ laughs ]

Male Salmon: So.. you from around here?

Female Salmon: Originally.

Male Salmon: Me, too.

Female Salmon: Oh, yeah, of course. I guess we’re all from around here, or we wouldn’t be here.

Male Salmon: It sure is beautiful, isn’t it?

Female Salmon: Yeah.

Male Salmon: I’d like my smallfry to grow up here.

Female Salmon: Me, too. You know, it’s so depressing downstream. Everybody’s just, “Me, me, me!” It’s like, “What can I eat?”

Male Salmon: Oh, it makes you sick, doesn’t it? I mean, that ocean water really hurts my eyes.

Female Salmon: Me, too.

[ they both start to say something at once ]

Female Salmon: [ laughing ] You go ahead!

Male Salmon: [ laughing ] No. You. You!

Female Salmon: Well.. I was just thinking about that waterfall about three miles back. I didn’t think I was ever gonna get over that thing!

Male Salmon: Oh, tell me about it! Boy! I think the key is, you can’t be afraid to look stupid.

Female Salmon: Really? You know, that’s so true..

Male Salmon: Hey! Watch this! [ he swims a backwards loop around her ]

Female Salmon: Wow! I’m impressed! You’re really good! You know, a lot of those mating dances are so blatant and mindless.

Male Salmon: Thanks!

Female Salmon: You know.. um.. I have a little place over there behind that boulder.

Male Salmon: Really?

Female Salmon: Yeah.. it’s sort of a little area that I hollowed out in ther gravel with my tail. You wouldn’t, uh.. want to come over and see it, would you?

Male Salmon: Well, actually, I was on my way to – Yeah, I’ll go over there.

Female Salmon: Oh, good! It’s just right over there, past that log.

[ she leads the direction, but a bear captures her instead ]

Male Salmon: Hey! Hey! Hey, let her go! Bear!

[ she swims back into the scene, crying ]

Female Salmon: [ in tears ] Did you see that?!

Male Salmon: Are you okay?

Female Salmon: I.. I think so..

Male Salmon: Damn bears! I hate them! You still want to go over to your place?

Female Salmon: Oh, gosh, let’s just do it right here!

Male Salmon: I think we’d better.

Female Salmon: I think so, too.

[ they begin to spawn together, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/21/87


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

March 21st, 1987

Bill Murray

Percy Sledge

None

  • Bill’s Missing Show

  • Bill Murray’s Monologue

  • Reach Out

  • One-Night Stand

  • Donahue

    Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue.

  • Nick Slammer

    Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer.

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • Girl-Crazy Obstetrician

  • Percy Sledge performs “When A Man Loves A Woman”

  • Il Returno De Hercules

  • Mikey Can’t Shoot

  • Honker Drives A Cab

    Recurring Characters:Honker,

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Garry Shandling: 05/16/87


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    May 16th, 1987

    Garry Shandling

    Los Lobos

    Tracy Ullman

    Los Lobos, “Is That All There Is”

  • Iran-Contra Hearings

    Robert McFarlane (Phil Hartman) gets upset during Iran-Contra Hearings.

  • Garry Shandling’s Monologue

    Shandling ponders what type of monologue he would like to do.

  • Department Store Sketch

    Shandling ruins department store sketch by breaking character.

  • The Puppy

    Masterful jewel thief The Puppy (Dana Carvey) acts just like a little dog.

  • Support Group Therapy

    Stu (Shandling) tells support group false stories about his mother (Jan Hooks).

  • Los Lobos performs “Is That All There Is”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

    Jimmy Stewart (Dana Carvey) speaks against the colorization of black-and-white films.

    Recurring Characters: Jimmy Stewart.

  • The Teeny Cafe

    Babette (Nora Dunn) warms the crowd at her Teeny Cafe.

    Recurring Characters: Babette.

  • Chewing Tobacco Airline

    Couple (Shandling, Victoria Jackson) endure flight filled with tobacco chewers.

  • “Hollywood Mom”

    Tracy Ullman’s baby doesn’t share her love for fame.

  • Anniversary Dinner

    Couple (Dana Carvey, Jan Hooks) still fight, despite marriage counseling.

  • Los Lobos performs “One Time, One Night”

    SNL Transcripts

  • Il Returno de Hercules

    Il Returno de Hercules

    King Laertes…..Dana Carvey/Tom Davis (voice)
    Helena…..Nora Dunn/Jan Hooks (voice)
    Hercules…..Bill Murray
    Guard…..A Whitney Brown

    Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] “In the time known as the Heroic Age, many centuries before the birth of Christ, Greece was still a savage and uncivilized land. In these dark times, one man alone defended the helpless – the Mighty Hercules. For many years the might Hercules fought for the common people, until at length his rich diet and increasingly sedentary lifestyle began to take their toll. Though srill quite strong for a man his age, he was no longer the Hercules of old.”

    King Laertes: Why do you resist me, Helena? Become my Queen. Together, we will rule Greece!

    Helena: Never! You have stolen this land from my father. Besides, you have not reckoned yet with Hercules.

    King Laertes: Do not look to Hercules for help. My guards captured him last night. Today, he will be put to death.

    Helena: No! Spare him! I will do anything you ask.

    King Laertes: So.. you do love him!

    Helena: He is the greatest hero of Greece.

    King Laertes: I must see this warrior. Bring Hercules to me!

    Guard: Bring in Hercules!

    [ Hercules is brought in. He is old and flabby ]

    King Laertes: So, Hercules, once again, we meet. By the gods! Look at you! You really have let yourself go!

    Hercules: Is it that noticeable, Laertes?

    King Laertes: Is it noticeable?! I hardly recognized you!

    Helena: Well, I think he looks fine.

    King Laertes: Silence! So.. the Mighty Hercules! I don’t mean to be cruel, but you have really gone downhill!

    Hercules: I have not exercised much since the last Olympics. And I’ve learned, to my sorrow, that if you stop exercising, the muscle turns to fat.

    King Laertes: I was going to feed you to the Hydra, the seven-headed dragon.. but looking at you, I have a better idea. You are said to be the strongest man to ever live. I will spare your life, if you can pass a test of strength!

    Hercules: Must I pass this test of strength right away?

    King Laertes: What do you mean?

    Hercules: If I can have a month or two, to get into better condition..

    King Laertes: No! Absolutely not! You must the test of strength now! Today!

    Hercules: Very well. What is your test?

    King Laertes: Do you see that boulder over there? I want you to lift it!

    Hercules: That boulder is too large. I could life a smaller one.

    King Laertes: So! The Mighty Hercules!

    Hercules: In six months I will be able to lift it. Right after I put an end to your despotic rule, Laertes, I plan to start a new regimen – hunting, swimming, eating better.. [ rubbing his belly ] All this will disappear.

    King Laertes: Brave talk, Hercules. First, you must pass this test!

    Hercules: And if I pass this test, you will spare Helena’s life?

    King Laertes: You have my word.

    Hercules: Very well. I accept.

    Helena: No, Hercules. Don’t try to lift the boulder yourself. Get someone to help you.

    [ Hercules stretches as everyone waits ]

    King Laertes: Hercules! Look, what are you doing?

    Hercules: First, I must loosen up. I am very tight. [ continues to stretch ]

    Helena: Hercules! I beg you. Don’t! [ Hercules bends over to lift the boulder ] Hercules! The legs! Lift with the legs!

    Hercules: [ starting to raise the boulder, stopping suddenly ] My back! I think I pulled it! [ he lays on the ground, as Helena runs over to help ] This happened once before. Leave me alone. If I lie flat like this, it will fix itself.

    King Laertes: [ laughing ] Ha! Your Hercules is a weakling! Send in the Hydra!

    Guard: Send the Hydra!

    [ the Hydra appears ]

    Helena: Hercules! Get up! The Hydra!

    Hercules: I can’t. Just let me lie here, please.

    Helena: Oh, Laertes, please! Hercules can’t get up! Call off the Hydra!

    King Laertes: Very well.. Call off the Hydra.

    Guard: Call off the Hydra!

    [ the Hydra leaves ]

    Helena: Hercules, the Hydra is gone. Can I do anything for you?

    Hercules: No, Helena. Thank you. If I could just lie here for another minute..

    King Laertes: [ mocking ] The Mighty Hercules! What a disappointment!

    Hercules: [ trying to pick himself up ] I’d like to see you try it.

    King Laertes: The Mighty Hercules!

    Hercules: Stop saying “The Mighty Hercules”.

    Helena: Don’t worry about Laertes. Soon, when you have regained your strength, you can return to lift that boulder and crush him with it.

    Hercules: I can’t even think about that now..

    Helena: That’s right, Hercules. Now you must rest. For you, there will be other adventures. The gods have willed it!

    [ fade out – “Fini” at the center of the screen ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Garry Shandling’s Monologue


    Garry Shandling’s Monologue

    …..Garry Shandling


    Garry Shandling: Thanks a lot, it’s great to be here, thanks! It’s nice to see you, thanks for coming, and it’s great to be here, I’ve always wanted to host “Saturday Night Live”. You know, I grew up with the show, and.. well, sort of. In my twenties, I grew up with the show. And, uh, gee they’ve done comedy that always approached art, and, uh.. Well, alright – I’m just happy to be doing something on Saturday night, that’s the truth!

    And, I wasn’t sure what kind of monologue I wanted to do, because, uh.. have you guys seen me do monologues before? [ audience gives light applause ] Yeah. And you’re pretty thrilled about me doing another one, I can tell. And I really didn’t know if I wanted to do a monologue.

    And then I called my girlfriend. Actually, it’s my ex-girlfriend. We broke up because we were having huge arguments over ho was the most disappointed. And I said to her, “Should I do a monologue?” And she said, “I can’t take this kind of stuff any more,” and got out of there. We were just approaching that stage where we were comfortable around each other in the relationship. You know that plae, where you start to be yourself? And she would blow her nose, and it made that honking sound. It grosses you out. And I got used to noise – it’ass when the geese hit the window. You know, “I can’t take this any more.” So, I got out of it. A pretty girl, actually. She was a stewardess for Federal Express.

    So, uh.. but I met a new girl, who I started to ask about the monologue. I met a new girl at a barbecue, actually, a very pretty girl. Blonde, I think. I’m not sure, her hair was on fire. And all she talked about was herself. You know those kind of girls – “I’m hot. I’m on fire!” You know. “Me, mem me!” You know. “Help me! Put me out!” Jesus. Some sort of Hollywood chick. And I said, “How about me?” So, we go out on a date, and we go dancing. And I’m sure you can tell just by looking at me you can tell I’m a great dancer. [ laughs ] So, the truth is, when I go to a disco or something, I actually picture the video of that song, and dance like they do in the video. Which means, you know, I gotta carry smoke bombs.. you know, I take a wind machine, it’s a whole thing. But I said, “Should I do a monologue?” to this girl. And she said, “Well, I don’t really care what you do.” It was a weird date.

    The weirdest date I ever had, I took a girl – this is the one I’ll never forget – I took a girl to see “E.T.” Right? So now, I take this girl to see “E.T.”, we’re in the theater, she couldn’t let herself get into the fantasy of the movie. Right, so you know this one place where the bike with E.T. on it goes up across the moon? This girl yells, “I’m sure!” I’m going, “This isn’t a documentary, honey, that’s not real live footage up there.” She must dream at night and go, “Right. I’ll bet.”

    But I don’t want you to think that I haven’t been dating. In fact, just a few weeks ago I made love to a woman for an hour-and-a-half. And.. well, thank you. Well, it was on the day you put the clocks ahead, but that still counts. Well, you should know this about me. I’m not kinky sexually at all. Occasionally, I like to put on a robe and stand in front of a tennis ball machine, but hey! We all have our own thing, you know? Maybe take a few fast ones, maybe hit a couple back.

    So, now it’s supposed to be real hip to express your needs in bed, which, boy, I’m just too shy to do, except over the phone to people I don’t know! [ laughs ] Then I can go on forever, even through that loud whistle. So, I said, “Wow, I’m hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’, do I want to do a monologue? What kind of monologue?” And I couldn’t decide if I wanted to do one, so I called my mom. My mom lives in Arizona. I was born in Chicago, raised in Arizona. I moved to Arizona when I was three years old because my brother had asthma. My mother said, “We gotta move, ’cause your brother has asthma.” I said, “Gee, just vacuum!” Because every time someone slaps the couch, the kid has an attack, so.. And my mother actually taught me nothing about sex. I asked, “How do the chemicals mix?” She said, “Just look at the dogs in the front yard.” So, to this day, I’m afraid I’m gonna be hosed down while I’m doing it.

    So, I said, “Do I want to do a monologue?” She said, “I really don’t care, son.” So I didn’t know what kind of monologue to do. So I called my dad. And my dad – I grew up with my dad as well. I actually learned to drive on my dad’s lap, did anybody do this? Yeah, I used to sit on his lap and work the wheel, and he’d work the brake. And then I took the exam, and sat on the examiner’s lap. And failed the exam. But he still writes to me, and that’s the good part.

    So, the final person I bounced this idea off – I’ve been looking for a house in L.A., and I’m thinking this week I’ve gotta do “Saturday Night Live”, what kind of monologue do I want to do. I said to the realtor who showed me the house. Now, I’ve never bought a house before. She shows me a house, $350,000 on a hill, two bedrooms, she tells me it has a great view. For $350,000, I’d better pen up the curtains and see breasts against the window. So, uh.. yeah, I don’t want to see light for $350,000.

    So, anyway, I think I may not actually do a monologue, is what I thought, and move on right to the sketches, how do you feel about that? Because this is really the reason that I wanted to be here, to do the sketches. So why don’t we just get started with the sketches – wish me luck. I’m gonna go over to where I do my first sketch, and this will be great.

    Look! Here I am on TV! God, look, there I am! Is that what I look like? Sorry. Come on, I think it’s over here. Oh, look! This is the set where I’m gonna do my first sketch! God, I hope it goes great, because, you know, the first sketch is really a barometer for how well the show’s gonna go. But I feel pretty good about this one, because this is a sketch where I return a sweater to the department store. Wait. There’s a catch. I don’t have the receipt! Is this gonna be great, or what! Alright, I gotta go get into character, and I’ll see you in a minute. Have a good time.

    [ exits stage, as cameras zoom into the first sketch ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Bill Murray’s Monologue


    Bill Murray’s Monologue

    …..Bill Murray


    Bill Murray: Thank you very much! I’m very happy to be here! This is the 500th broadcast of “Saturday Night Live”!

    I’ve been away a while, it’s been a while since I’ve been here. I’m a little nervous – I’ve got a belt and suspenders on this evening! But I came back. You know why? [ audience yells “Why?” ] Because I love this country! And something happened this year that just drove a dagger through my ticker. For the first time in this nation’s history, a film comedy from another country was the #1 hit. This country didn’t make “Crocdile Dundee”. We should have, we didn’t. We got a little cocky, I think. I know what you’re gonna say – “It’s the old Chicken Little routine. No, don’t worry, Bill, this is the funniest country on Earth, always will be!” Listen.. smell the coffee, people. I’m frightened.

    Look at history, look at the French – they used to be funny. You know? What have they got now? They’ve got Jerry Lewis and the Smurfs, that’s it. Look at England – England has Benny Hill, but, you know, they squandered him. The Mexicans had Continflas – they worked him to death. And now we’re losing our edge, and the entire world knows it. Am I right, G.E.? Everybody knows it. While we were sleeping late, hanging in on Saturday mornings, the Japanese took away our cartoon shows! I mean, when you saw “Speed Racer”, didn’t something go, “Wait a second!” Now, the Germans are getting into sitcoms – I’m frightened. “Levenost nok Bever”?

    Okay. I blame myself a little bi, I mean, I could have helped a little bit.. I mean, in my own way. I just got.. you know.. I took a little time off, I got to know my friends and family a little bit, had a few dinners, a few drinks, a glass of wine.. next thing you know, a year has gone. Yuo re-order, you have second helpings, and three years are gone.. and I’m just too old, fat, and slow to know the difference. But I’m gonna try to help this country regain her natural, genetic, racial, comic supremacy. Are you with me?! Let’s start tonight! Will you promise to laugh, even if it’s not funny? [ audience applauds ] ‘Cause we need the support! We’ve got a great show. We’ve got.. well.. it’s an American show. We’ll be right back!

    SNL Transcripts

    Department Store Sketch


    Department Store Sketch

    Marge Keister…..Jan Hooks
    Doug Clipper…..Garry Shandling
    Mr. Dingle…..Phil Hartman


    [ zoom in on Marge Keister working the counter at department store ]

    Marge Keister: Thank you for shopping at Bamburger’s, where a satisfied customer is our only goal! Thank you! Bye bye! [ giggles ] [ audience applauds wildly as Garry steps out of elevator and smiles acknowedgingly before approaching the counter ]

    Marge Keister: May I help you?

    Doug Clipper: Oh, yes. Hi. I’m Doug Clipper. And I’d like to return this sweater.

    Marge Keister: Okay, fine. Do you have a receipt?

    [ Garry flashes a knowing smile at the audience, stifling his need to laugh ]

    Doug Clipper: [ laughs anyway ] No. No, I don’t!

    Marge Keister: Well, now, I’m sorry, Mr. Clipper. No receipt, no refund. It says it right here. [ points to sign in front of the cash register ]

    Garry Shandling: God, is she great, or what? It’s just like being in as department store. Good job, Jan! Jan Hooks, ladies and gentlemen, give her a hand!

    [ audience applauds wildly, embarrassing Jan who’s trying to remain in character ]

    Marge Keister: Um.. wouldn’t you like to see the manager, Mr. Clipper?

    Garry Shandling: [ stone-faced at first ] Oh, right, the manager. [ getting back into character ] Oh, sure.. right.. the manager. [ turns to the audience ] I remember, I first met Jan in Los Angeles, even before she got “Saturday Night Live”. I met her at a party at Kevin Nealon’s house. He’s one of the cast members, he’s gonna be on a little later. I can’t wait to work with him, because he’s a good friend –

    [ Jan sticks to her character ]

    Marge Keister: Well, then, if you insist, I will call the manager! Mr. Dingle to Register 5! Mr. Dingle to Register 5!

    Garry Shandling: Mr. Dingle! What a classic comedy name! Not as good as Shandling, of course.

    [ Phil Hartman enters as a store manager, closely resembling .. from “The Jack Benny Show” ]

    Mr. Dingle: YE-E-E-E-ESSSS??!!! What seems to be the problem?!

    Garry Shandling: [ excited, to the audience ] Is this great casting, or what? Really. Good job, Phil, how’s it going?

    Mr. Dingle: [ sticking to his character ] I said, what seems to be the problem?!

    Doug Clipper: Oh.. uh.. well.. I have this sweater I’d like to return.

    Marge Keister: But, but, but.. he doesn’t have the receipt.

    Mr. Dingle: I see! Well, is there something wro-o-o-o-onggg with it?!

    Doug Clipper: [ chuckles ] That’s great! Well, as a matter of fact.. it’s too small! [ holds up tiny sweater, laughing ]

    Mr. Dingle: Oh, really?! Miss Keister, you don’t suppose Mr. Clipper here is trying to pull the woo-oo-ooll over your eyes?! [ laughs ] Did I make a pun?

    Marge Keister: [ giggling ] I believe you did, Mr. Dingle!

    Mr. Dingle: We’re sorry, Mr. Clipper, but we simply cannot give you a refund on that sweater!

    Garry Shandling: [ to audience ] Ohhh.. they’re not going to take it back. [ audience sympathizes ] I make a great victim, don’t I? You know –

    Mr. Dingle: Mr. Clipper! Mr. Clipper!

    Marge Keister: Would you like to purchase another sweater, Mr. Clipper?

    Mr. Dingle: Or try on some teeny pa-a-a-a-anttsss?!

    Garry Shandling: Oh.. oh, right.. sure, Phil.. Jan.. hold on a second. [ walks away from the counter to address the audience ] You know what I hate most about sweaters? People who tie them around their shoulders! I hate those people! They think it looks cool. It looks like they can’t dress themselves! It looks like they’re home, going, “Honey, I can’t get this on.. maybe I’ll just tie it on, nobody will notice.” I always wonder if they have their socks tied around their ankles. Men don’t know how to dress. They should put expiration dates on clothing, so we know when they go out of style. God.. thanks. I love doing sketch comedy, this is great, isn’t it? I think it’s the give and take that’s so special. [ turns back to Phil and Jan ] Thanks, guys! Is this..? It was a great sketch.

    Mr. Dingle: Well, thank you for shopping at Bamburger’sssss!!

    Jan Hooks: [ removes her wig and glasses ] Give it up, Phil! Forget it!

    Phil Hartman: [ groans ]

    Jan Hooks: Thanks a lot, Gary! [ trns to exit with Phil ] We have to work the rest of the show with this guy!

    [ they exit ]

    Garry Shandling: Well, we’re off to a great start, don’t you think? Okay, we’ll be right back!

    SNL Transcripts

    Girl-Crazy Obstetrician


    Girl-Crazy Obstetrician

    Obstetrician…..Phil Hartman
    Reporter…..Nora Dunn
    Ted Carter…..Bill Murray
    Janet Carter…..Victoria Jackson
    Louise…..Jon Lovitz


    [ open on Obstetrician’s office – Reporter enters ]

    Reporter: Dr. Hoffritz? Shelley Barnette, People Magazine.

    Obstetrician: Come on in! Here, have a seat.

    Reporter: Thank you.

    Obstetrician: People Magazine. I don’t know why anyonewould want to read about me – I’m just a small-town family obstetrician.

    Reporter: Well, my editors seem to think you have a very interesting story here. Now, I understand you’ve been working and practicing here in Radfield for 21 years.

    Obstetrician: That’s right.

    Reporter: And you’ve delivered over 4,300 babies.

    Obstetrician: That’s right.

    Reporter: And they’ve all been girls.

    Obstetrician: That’s right. They’ve all been girls!

    Reporter: Well, you know, that’s amazing! You know, myassistant back in New York actually calculated the odds of that happening. It’s over 1 in 700 trillion.

    Obstetrician: Oh, no kidding. Well.. the important thing is – knock on wood – they’re all healthy and happy. I try to stay in touch with as many as I can. They’re like my family. They’re my little girls.

    Reporter: It’s like a miracle. Not one single boy.

    Obstetrician: [ checks his watch ] Oh, my goodness.. [ into hisintercom ] Louise? Would you send in the Carters, please? [ to thereporter ] I have an appointment – you’re welcome to stay, if you want, and take some notes. [ the Carters enter ] Hello, Janet, Ted!

    Janet Carter: Doctor!

    Obstetrician: How’s everything going?

    Janet Carter: Oh, I’m doing alright.

    Ted Carter: So far, so good. [ sits his wife down ]

    Obstetrician: Well, this is Shelly Barnette, of People Magazine.

    Ted Carter: Hello, Miss Barnette.

    Janet Carter: Hi.

    Obstetrician: They’re doing an article on me, can you believe that?

    Janet Carter: That doesn’t surprise me. Doctor Hoffritz is the best!

    Ted Carter: He delivered all seven of our daughters.

    Obstetrician: Well, I have the results of your amniocentesis right here, and I’ve.. got some good news. Everything’s fine, the baby’s healthy.

    Ted Carter: Dr. Hoffritz? Is it a boy?

    Obstetrician: [ laughs ] Now, Ted, wouldn’t you rather be surprised in the delivery room?

    Ted Carter: [ thinking ] No, Doctor! I’d like to know..

    Obstetrician: Well, no. It’s a girl.

    Ted Carter: [ slumps beside his wife’s chair ] I love girls! [ weeps ]

    Janet Carter: You see, Ted wants a boy. This is our eighth try.

    Ted Carter: We’ll try again.

    Janet Carter: No. No more.

    Ted Carter: Doctor, will this one need that operation?

    Obstetrician: Yes, I’m afraid so.

    Reporter: [ curious ] What operation is this, Doctor?

    Obstetrician: Well.. every now and then, a little girl is born with a penis and testicles. And, of course, they have to be removed and reshaped.

    Ted Carter: It’s quite routine. Five of our seven daughters have had this operation.

    Reporter: Doctor, what percent of the babies that you deliver need this operation?

    Obstetrician: Oh, I’d say.. 48, 49.. 50, 51% – in that area!

    [ Louise the Secretary – a manly-looking secretary at that – enters ]

    Louise: Doctor, here’s those reports you wanted.

    Obstetrician: Oh, thank you, Louise! Louise here was one of thefirst babies I delivered. Louise had a big date last night. How did it go?

    Louise: Oh, same old problem.

    Obstetrician: Well, don’t worry, Louise. Mr. Right’s out theresomewhere! Well.. Janet and Ted, I’ll be seeing you next week?

    Ted Carter: Thanks, Doctor.

    Janet Carter: Bye, Doctor!

    Obstetrician: Okay, bye bye.. Hey, Ted? Buck up. “A son is a son ’til he takes a wife; but a daughter is a daughter all of her life.”

    Ted Carter: God bless you and all of your work, Dr. Hoffritz! [ exits ]

    Louise: Oh, Doctor.. I’ve gotta leave early today – my electrolosis appointment.

    Obstetrician: Well, of course, Louise, anything you want.

    Louise: Thank you, Doctor. [ exits ]

    Obstetrician: Well! Another little girl! Can you believe it!

    Reporter: [ bothered ] Dr. Hoffritz, can’t you see what you’re doing here? I mean, the 48-51% – they’re not girls, they’re little boys! You have mutilated over 2,000 little boys!

    Obstetrician: No! No, they weren’t boys. They were little girls.. trapped in little boys’ bodies.. [ music sweeps over him ] You see.. boys are.. bad. They have bad thoughts! Sometimes they disobey their mothers.. they have to be punished! [ sniffles ] But what do their mothers know, anyway.. [ weeping ] They’re out all night with “Uncle Rudy”! But he’s not my uncle! Why does she call him my “uncle”..? [ falls to the floor, crying ]

    Reporter: Thank you, Doctor, very much.. I think I have enoughmaterial for my story now.. [ runs out of the office ] [ cut to photo of People Magazine with Dr. Hoffritz holding a baby “girl” on the cover ]

    Announcer: This week in People, meet girl-crazy Dr. Jacob Hoffritz, the one in a trillion obstretrician whose favorite color just has to be pink! Only in People!

    [ cut to Louise arm-in-arm with Martina Navratilova ]

    And say hello to Martina Navaratilova’s new travel companion.

    People celebrates people.

    [ fade to black ]

    SNL Transcripts