Weekend Update with Dennis Miller


Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
…..Al Franken
…..Victoria Jackson


Music Intro: “Born To Run”, Bruce Springsteen.

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with your anchorperson, Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

It was reported this week that a new Boeing 747 was being readied for the president as the next Air Force One. It will arrive in Wichita this month for a year of modification and finishing work. Among the expected modifications will the installation of a new seat belt that even the president himself will be able to operate.

Since he’s been in the White House, President Reagan has gotten two hearing aids, a colon operation, skin cancer, prostate surgery, and he’ss been shot. And we the American people should always remember these things – because he won’t.

In response to the voluminous avalance of mail I received last week, asking why we didn’t actually show a picture of Nancy Reagan as the Riddler – here you are, folks!

Roman Catholic bishops this week said that Pope John Paul II will use TransWorld Airlines for his U.S. visit in September. When you hit your knees tonight, I would ask all of you to pray that the person sitting behind the Pope has already seen the movie.

Among the Jim and Tammy Bakker extravagances revealed this week, was this air-conditioned doghouse, now valued at $5,000. Asked why he would air-condition a doghouse, Bakker said, “Because the dogs kept biting the Jews and Mormons we hired to fan them.”

The Washington Post reported yesterday that Jim Bakker had been seen in the PTL steam room frolicking nude with three other men, and that a neglected Tammy Faye had had her breasts enlarged, hoping for a Marilyn Monroe image. The collective Bakker history should inspire us all to become true believers in a Supreme Higher Power that made sure, out of the five billion people in this world, these two creeps found each other.

Dennis Miller: The Iran-Contra Hearings this week concluded tsestimony by several witnesses, all of whom continued to incriminate Lt. Col. Oliver North. Here to respond to this testimony, is Col. North’s attorney, Mr. Thomas Flanagan, Esq.

Tommy Flanagan: Hello. I’m Tommy Flanagan. And I’m here to tell you that my client, Oliver North, is completely innocent. You know how I know? Because it was.. it was me! Yeah, that’s the tic-.. uh.. isn’t that special! [ smiles ]

See, I was working for the CIA with my wife, Morgan Fairchild.. whom I’ve slept with. And we were spies. Yeah! She was on the cover, and I was under-.. water! Yeah, that’s it! I was disguised as a fish in the Hudson River! Yeah! And I was about to bite into a worm when I was caught. Yeah! And they dsold me to the Russian Tea Room, where I was filleted and eaten. And the next thing you know, I was.. I was back in the Hudson! [ shifts eyes ]

So I got on a jet, and I flew to Switzerland with my wife, Morgan Fairchild – whom I’ve slept with. And we were gonna hide.. deposit the money, when my plane crashed in the Himalyas. Yeah, that’s it! And to stay alive, we ate the survivors. ‘Cause the dead ones were rotten! Yeah! So there I was, fighting over the tall co-pilot, with my wife, Morgan Fairchild – whom I’ve seen naked! When suddenly, the co-pilot woke up, and he kicked me in the head, and I blacked out! And the next thing you know –

Dennis Miller: Wait a minute, Tommy. What does this have to do with Col. North?

Uh…n-n-nothing! You see, that’s my point! He had nothing to do with it! Yeah, that’s the ticket!

Dennis Miller: Tommy Flanagan. Thanks, Tom.

In a blatant effort to curry favor with a French judge and jury, accused Nazi war crimial Klaus Barbie told a stunned courtroom in Leone this week that his favorite movie has always been “The Nutty Professor”.

Sixty years ago this week, Charles Lindbergh made the historic first transatlantic solo flight in The Spirit of St. Louis, thereby paving the way for those cretins to lose my luggage.

[ to picture of “Ernest Goes To Camp” poster ]Well, this thing came out this week. What in the hell is wrong with mankind?

Amid all the noise about the Joan Rivers cancellation, ABC has cancelled “Our World”, which featured Linda Ellerbee. The two unemployed women plan to get together and open a chain of charm schools in Libya.

Donna Rice, of the recent Gary Hart scandal, was dropped from Proctor & Gamble’s commercial for Foldger’s Coffee. This decision really surprises me, folks, because she would seem to be an ideal spokesperson for a coffee company – I mean, it’s obvious she’s good at keeping people up all night.

This is Ellen Stolz, 23, a paraplegic student from California, who it was announced will appear in an eight-page layout in the July issue of Playboy Magazine. Defending his action, Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner said, “While Ellen is paralyzed from the neck down, many of the young women who have appeared in our centerfolds in the last thirty years were paralyzed from the neck up. Trust me, I know. I’ve hit on them all.”

A manuscript of a Mozart symphony sold yesterday at Sotheby’s in London for $4.4 million, the highest price ever paid for a music manuscript. The lowest price ever recorded for a music manuscript was last January, when somebody bought the original manuscript of Lionel Richie’s “Ballerina Girl” for a buck-seventy-five.

The Vandasolay people came out with a new product this week – Vandasolay #45. When applied to the skin, it destroys the sun, and, consequently, the solar system as we know it.

This week, the United States Patent Office officially changed the name of the TV remote channel changer. From here on in, it’ll be referred to as a chh-chh!

Dennis Miller: Here one last time for the season, is A. Whitney Brown with The Big Picture. Hello, Whitney.

A. Whitney Brown: Dennis. Thank you. As always, at this time of year, I’d like to address a few remarks to the latest blooming flower of our educational system, the Class of 1987. Unfortunately, a full 16% of you out there will be functionally illiterate. I’m afraid you’ll have a hard road to hold in the job market. After all, there are only so many staff positions at USA Today.

But, in many ways, you’re wiser than my own generation. We wanted to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. God, what a bunch of simps we were. My advice to you is, just try and make the world a little bit better place, for those who can afford it. And, of course, you have to stand up for what you believe in, even though you could be wrong. Because there are two sides to every issue. Then again, sometimes there isn’t. So, you have to keep an open mind. That is, unless you’re right. And even then, you never know. Unless you’re sure. In which case, it’s probably not worth sticking your neck out.

[ Whitney takes out a series of ping-pong balls ]

Perhaps a visual aid would help. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “World” ] The world is a complex place. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “Gene Poll” ] On one hand, you have commitments to your family. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “$” ] Which is not always consistent with your professional goals. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “Patriotism” ] Which, as we’ve seen, often run counter to the interests of the country as a whole. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “The Big One” ] And hanging over everything, the constant threat of nuclear annilhation. [ collects ping-pong balls between his hands and stands ] Well, you have to keep all these things going at the same time, and, believe me, it won’t be easy. [ juggles the ping-pong balls to perfection, only dropping one of them towards the end ] Thank God it wasn’t career!

That, my friends, is The Big Picture.

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Whitney. Now, did you do the elaborate lettering on those balls yourself?

You know, Snow White turned 50 this week. When asked if this was a happy time in her life, she said, “Oh, yeah, my life’s been great. I’ve been stuck in a house for the last thirty years with seven midgets, not one of whom is named Horny.”

Dennis Miller: You know, since this is the end of our season, and we won’t see each other for a while, I’d like something to remember you all by. [ pulls out a Polaroid camera ] So, if everybody at homecould just get around your TV sets.. Come on, everybody. Say “government surplus cheese.” [ snaps the picture, as the Polaroid image pops out ] I’ll keep this close always.

Now, guess what, folks? I’m gonna go grow my hair for a few months, so thanks for a nice year, ’cause that’s the season, and I am out of here!

SNL Transcripts

Sold-Out Gold

Sold-Out Gold

Daughter…..Victoria Jackson
Father…..Kevin Nealon
David Crosby…..Jon Lovitz


[ open on Father and Daughter dancing to “Good Vibrations” by the Beach Boys ]

Daughter: Wow, Dad, that’s the Sunkist Song!

Father: No, Jennifer, it’s the Beach Boys. I grew up listening to this music!

Daughter: Wow, Dad! You’re cooler than I thought!

Father: You mean now, there’s music we both can enjoy?

[ cut to David Crosby in a recording studio ]

David Crosby: There sure is, man! Hi, I’m David Crosby. Hey, did you know that many of today’s best-loved commercial jingles are actually based on classics from the sixties? Cause they are, man. Now all this great music is available on one collection… [ holds up record SOLD OUT GOLD ] Sold Out Gold! You’ll get great hits like Orange Vibrations.

[ SUPER: “SUNKIST VIBRATIONS – The Beach Boys”, to the tune of “GoodVibrations” ]

“I’m picking up orange vibrations,
Sunkist Orange Soda taste sensations..

David Crosby: Or the Nike Song!

[ SUPER: “THE NIKE SONG – The Beatles”, to the tune of “Revolution” ]

“There’s got to be a revolution
Well, you know…

David Crosby: And if you order now, man, we’ll sell you this additional album.. [ holds up record SOLD OUT BRONZE ] ..Sold Out Bronze! 20 never-before-aired commercials, including this one from Time Magazine.

[ SUPER: “IN-A-TIME-MAGAZINE – Iron Butterfly”, to the tune of”In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida” ]

“In a Time magazine, now baby
It’s got all the news, if you care.

David Crosby: Or this Doors tune for General Electric!
[ SUPER: “GENERAL ELECTRIC – The Doors”, to the tune of “People Are Strange” ]

“Self-cleaning oven,
Digital timer,
Chicken is tasty
When broiled in my range
G.E. range,
Pastries come out all the same,
G.E. range..

David Crosby: And White Shirt!

[ SUPER: “WHITE SHIRT – Jefferson Airplane”, to the tune of “White Rabbit” ]

“One shirt makes you formal,
And one shirt has short sleeves,
Ask Arrow
For your shirt needs.

[ Shown: a picture of the Rolling Stones and a box of Eggo Waffles ]

“Hey you, leggo my eggo!
Hey you, leggo my eggo!
Hey you, leggo my eggo!

David Crosby: Plus, these other Sold-Out Bronze classics!

[ Titles scroll:

“TALKING ABOUT (MY KEN-L-RATION) – The Who”
“(HEY YOU) LEGGO MY EGGO – The Rolling Stones”
“THE WIND CRIES SHASTA – Jimi Hendrix”
“INCENSE AND FEENA-MINTS – Strawberry Alarm Clock”
“JEEP CHEROKEE PEOPLE – Paul Revere and the Raiders”
“WHERE HAVE ALL THE PRINGLES GONE? – Peter, Paul, & Mary” ]

David Crosby: [ holding both albums] I’ve listened to these albums over 300 times, man! Now you can too by ordering today. Here’s how, man:

(bugs his eyes)

Send $19.69 to:
SOLD-OUT GOLD
P.O. Box 1965
Silver Springs, IN, 01965

Or call 1-800-SIX-TIES, yeah.

[ cut back to father and daughter dancing to the tune of “We Gotta GetOut of This Place” ]

“We gotta get out of this place
And take a trip to the Poconos.
We gotta get out of this place..

[ fade to black ]

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts