Weekend Update with Dennis Miller


Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
…..Al Franken
…..Victoria Jackson


Music Intro: “Born To Run”, Bruce Springsteen.

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with your anchorperson, Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

It was reported this week that a new Boeing 747 was being readied for the president as the next Air Force One. It will arrive in Wichita this month for a year of modification and finishing work. Among the expected modifications will the installation of a new seat belt that even the president himself will be able to operate.

Since he’s been in the White House, President Reagan has gotten two hearing aids, a colon operation, skin cancer, prostate surgery, and he’ss been shot. And we the American people should always remember these things – because he won’t.

In response to the voluminous avalance of mail I received last week, asking why we didn’t actually show a picture of Nancy Reagan as the Riddler – here you are, folks!

Roman Catholic bishops this week said that Pope John Paul II will use TransWorld Airlines for his U.S. visit in September. When you hit your knees tonight, I would ask all of you to pray that the person sitting behind the Pope has already seen the movie.

Among the Jim and Tammy Bakker extravagances revealed this week, was this air-conditioned doghouse, now valued at $5,000. Asked why he would air-condition a doghouse, Bakker said, “Because the dogs kept biting the Jews and Mormons we hired to fan them.”

The Washington Post reported yesterday that Jim Bakker had been seen in the PTL steam room frolicking nude with three other men, and that a neglected Tammy Faye had had her breasts enlarged, hoping for a Marilyn Monroe image. The collective Bakker history should inspire us all to become true believers in a Supreme Higher Power that made sure, out of the five billion people in this world, these two creeps found each other.

Dennis Miller: The Iran-Contra Hearings this week concluded tsestimony by several witnesses, all of whom continued to incriminate Lt. Col. Oliver North. Here to respond to this testimony, is Col. North’s attorney, Mr. Thomas Flanagan, Esq.

Tommy Flanagan: Hello. I’m Tommy Flanagan. And I’m here to tell you that my client, Oliver North, is completely innocent. You know how I know? Because it was.. it was me! Yeah, that’s the tic-.. uh.. isn’t that special! [ smiles ]

See, I was working for the CIA with my wife, Morgan Fairchild.. whom I’ve slept with. And we were spies. Yeah! She was on the cover, and I was under-.. water! Yeah, that’s it! I was disguised as a fish in the Hudson River! Yeah! And I was about to bite into a worm when I was caught. Yeah! And they dsold me to the Russian Tea Room, where I was filleted and eaten. And the next thing you know, I was.. I was back in the Hudson! [ shifts eyes ]

So I got on a jet, and I flew to Switzerland with my wife, Morgan Fairchild – whom I’ve slept with. And we were gonna hide.. deposit the money, when my plane crashed in the Himalyas. Yeah, that’s it! And to stay alive, we ate the survivors. ‘Cause the dead ones were rotten! Yeah! So there I was, fighting over the tall co-pilot, with my wife, Morgan Fairchild – whom I’ve seen naked! When suddenly, the co-pilot woke up, and he kicked me in the head, and I blacked out! And the next thing you know –

Dennis Miller: Wait a minute, Tommy. What does this have to do with Col. North?

Uh…n-n-nothing! You see, that’s my point! He had nothing to do with it! Yeah, that’s the ticket!

Dennis Miller: Tommy Flanagan. Thanks, Tom.

In a blatant effort to curry favor with a French judge and jury, accused Nazi war crimial Klaus Barbie told a stunned courtroom in Leone this week that his favorite movie has always been “The Nutty Professor”.

Sixty years ago this week, Charles Lindbergh made the historic first transatlantic solo flight in The Spirit of St. Louis, thereby paving the way for those cretins to lose my luggage.

[ to picture of “Ernest Goes To Camp” poster ]Well, this thing came out this week. What in the hell is wrong with mankind?

Amid all the noise about the Joan Rivers cancellation, ABC has cancelled “Our World”, which featured Linda Ellerbee. The two unemployed women plan to get together and open a chain of charm schools in Libya.

Donna Rice, of the recent Gary Hart scandal, was dropped from Proctor & Gamble’s commercial for Foldger’s Coffee. This decision really surprises me, folks, because she would seem to be an ideal spokesperson for a coffee company – I mean, it’s obvious she’s good at keeping people up all night.

This is Ellen Stolz, 23, a paraplegic student from California, who it was announced will appear in an eight-page layout in the July issue of Playboy Magazine. Defending his action, Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner said, “While Ellen is paralyzed from the neck down, many of the young women who have appeared in our centerfolds in the last thirty years were paralyzed from the neck up. Trust me, I know. I’ve hit on them all.”

A manuscript of a Mozart symphony sold yesterday at Sotheby’s in London for $4.4 million, the highest price ever paid for a music manuscript. The lowest price ever recorded for a music manuscript was last January, when somebody bought the original manuscript of Lionel Richie’s “Ballerina Girl” for a buck-seventy-five.

The Vandasolay people came out with a new product this week – Vandasolay #45. When applied to the skin, it destroys the sun, and, consequently, the solar system as we know it.

This week, the United States Patent Office officially changed the name of the TV remote channel changer. From here on in, it’ll be referred to as a chh-chh!

Dennis Miller: Here one last time for the season, is A. Whitney Brown with The Big Picture. Hello, Whitney.

A. Whitney Brown: Dennis. Thank you. As always, at this time of year, I’d like to address a few remarks to the latest blooming flower of our educational system, the Class of 1987. Unfortunately, a full 16% of you out there will be functionally illiterate. I’m afraid you’ll have a hard road to hold in the job market. After all, there are only so many staff positions at USA Today.

But, in many ways, you’re wiser than my own generation. We wanted to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. God, what a bunch of simps we were. My advice to you is, just try and make the world a little bit better place, for those who can afford it. And, of course, you have to stand up for what you believe in, even though you could be wrong. Because there are two sides to every issue. Then again, sometimes there isn’t. So, you have to keep an open mind. That is, unless you’re right. And even then, you never know. Unless you’re sure. In which case, it’s probably not worth sticking your neck out.

[ Whitney takes out a series of ping-pong balls ]

Perhaps a visual aid would help. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “World” ] The world is a complex place. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “Gene Poll” ] On one hand, you have commitments to your family. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “$” ] Which is not always consistent with your professional goals. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “Patriotism” ] Which, as we’ve seen, often run counter to the interests of the country as a whole. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “The Big One” ] And hanging over everything, the constant threat of nuclear annilhation. [ collects ping-pong balls between his hands and stands ] Well, you have to keep all these things going at the same time, and, believe me, it won’t be easy. [ juggles the ping-pong balls to perfection, only dropping one of them towards the end ] Thank God it wasn’t career!

That, my friends, is The Big Picture.

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Whitney. Now, did you do the elaborate lettering on those balls yourself?

You know, Snow White turned 50 this week. When asked if this was a happy time in her life, she said, “Oh, yeah, my life’s been great. I’ve been stuck in a house for the last thirty years with seven midgets, not one of whom is named Horny.”

Dennis Miller: You know, since this is the end of our season, and we won’t see each other for a while, I’d like something to remember you all by. [ pulls out a Polaroid camera ] So, if everybody at homecould just get around your TV sets.. Come on, everybody. Say “government surplus cheese.” [ snaps the picture, as the Polaroid image pops out ] I’ll keep this close always.

Now, guess what, folks? I’m gonna go grow my hair for a few months, so thanks for a nice year, ’cause that’s the season, and I am out of here!

SNL Transcripts

Il Returno de Hercules

Il Returno de Hercules

King Laertes…..Dana Carvey/Tom Davis (voice)
Helena…..Nora Dunn/Jan Hooks (voice)
Hercules…..Bill Murray
Guard…..A Whitney Brown

Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] “In the time known as the Heroic Age, many centuries before the birth of Christ, Greece was still a savage and uncivilized land. In these dark times, one man alone defended the helpless – the Mighty Hercules. For many years the might Hercules fought for the common people, until at length his rich diet and increasingly sedentary lifestyle began to take their toll. Though srill quite strong for a man his age, he was no longer the Hercules of old.”

King Laertes: Why do you resist me, Helena? Become my Queen. Together, we will rule Greece!

Helena: Never! You have stolen this land from my father. Besides, you have not reckoned yet with Hercules.

King Laertes: Do not look to Hercules for help. My guards captured him last night. Today, he will be put to death.

Helena: No! Spare him! I will do anything you ask.

King Laertes: So.. you do love him!

Helena: He is the greatest hero of Greece.

King Laertes: I must see this warrior. Bring Hercules to me!

Guard: Bring in Hercules!

[ Hercules is brought in. He is old and flabby ]

King Laertes: So, Hercules, once again, we meet. By the gods! Look at you! You really have let yourself go!

Hercules: Is it that noticeable, Laertes?

King Laertes: Is it noticeable?! I hardly recognized you!

Helena: Well, I think he looks fine.

King Laertes: Silence! So.. the Mighty Hercules! I don’t mean to be cruel, but you have really gone downhill!

Hercules: I have not exercised much since the last Olympics. And I’ve learned, to my sorrow, that if you stop exercising, the muscle turns to fat.

King Laertes: I was going to feed you to the Hydra, the seven-headed dragon.. but looking at you, I have a better idea. You are said to be the strongest man to ever live. I will spare your life, if you can pass a test of strength!

Hercules: Must I pass this test of strength right away?

King Laertes: What do you mean?

Hercules: If I can have a month or two, to get into better condition..

King Laertes: No! Absolutely not! You must the test of strength now! Today!

Hercules: Very well. What is your test?

King Laertes: Do you see that boulder over there? I want you to lift it!

Hercules: That boulder is too large. I could life a smaller one.

King Laertes: So! The Mighty Hercules!

Hercules: In six months I will be able to lift it. Right after I put an end to your despotic rule, Laertes, I plan to start a new regimen – hunting, swimming, eating better.. [ rubbing his belly ] All this will disappear.

King Laertes: Brave talk, Hercules. First, you must pass this test!

Hercules: And if I pass this test, you will spare Helena’s life?

King Laertes: You have my word.

Hercules: Very well. I accept.

Helena: No, Hercules. Don’t try to lift the boulder yourself. Get someone to help you.

[ Hercules stretches as everyone waits ]

King Laertes: Hercules! Look, what are you doing?

Hercules: First, I must loosen up. I am very tight. [ continues to stretch ]

Helena: Hercules! I beg you. Don’t! [ Hercules bends over to lift the boulder ] Hercules! The legs! Lift with the legs!

Hercules: [ starting to raise the boulder, stopping suddenly ] My back! I think I pulled it! [ he lays on the ground, as Helena runs over to help ] This happened once before. Leave me alone. If I lie flat like this, it will fix itself.

King Laertes: [ laughing ] Ha! Your Hercules is a weakling! Send in the Hydra!

Guard: Send the Hydra!

[ the Hydra appears ]

Helena: Hercules! Get up! The Hydra!

Hercules: I can’t. Just let me lie here, please.

Helena: Oh, Laertes, please! Hercules can’t get up! Call off the Hydra!

King Laertes: Very well.. Call off the Hydra.

Guard: Call off the Hydra!

[ the Hydra leaves ]

Helena: Hercules, the Hydra is gone. Can I do anything for you?

Hercules: No, Helena. Thank you. If I could just lie here for another minute..

King Laertes: [ mocking ] The Mighty Hercules! What a disappointment!

Hercules: [ trying to pick himself up ] I’d like to see you try it.

King Laertes: The Mighty Hercules!

Hercules: Stop saying “The Mighty Hercules”.

Helena: Don’t worry about Laertes. Soon, when you have regained your strength, you can return to lift that boulder and crush him with it.

Hercules: I can’t even think about that now..

Helena: That’s right, Hercules. Now you must rest. For you, there will be other adventures. The gods have willed it!

[ fade out – “Fini” at the center of the screen ]

SNL Transcripts