Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
…..Al Franken
…..Victoria Jackson

Music Intro: “Born To Run”, Bruce Springsteen.

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with your anchorperson, Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

It was reported this week that a new Boeing 747 was being readied for the president as the next Air Force One. It will arrive in Wichita this month for a year of modification and finishing work. Among the expected modifications will the installation of a new seat belt that even the president himself will be able to operate.

Since he’s been in the White House, President Reagan has gotten two hearing aids, a colon operation, skin cancer, prostate surgery, and he’ss been shot. And we the American people should always remember these things – because he won’t.

In response to the voluminous avalance of mail I received last week, asking why we didn’t actually show a picture of Nancy Reagan as the Riddler – here you are, folks!

Roman Catholic bishops this week said that Pope John Paul II will use TransWorld Airlines for his U.S. visit in September. When you hit your knees tonight, I would ask all of you to pray that the person sitting behind the Pope has already seen the movie.

Among the Jim and Tammy Bakker extravagances revealed this week, was this air-conditioned doghouse, now valued at $5,000. Asked why he would air-condition a doghouse, Bakker said, “Because the dogs kept biting the Jews and Mormons we hired to fan them.”

The Washington Post reported yesterday that Jim Bakker had been seen in the PTL steam room frolicking nude with three other men, and that a neglected Tammy Faye had had her breasts enlarged, hoping for a Marilyn Monroe image. The collective Bakker history should inspire us all to become true believers in a Supreme Higher Power that made sure, out of the five billion people in this world, these two creeps found each other.

Dennis Miller: The Iran-Contra Hearings this week concluded tsestimony by several witnesses, all of whom continued to incriminate Lt. Col. Oliver North. Here to respond to this testimony, is Col. North’s attorney, Mr. Thomas Flanagan, Esq.

Tommy Flanagan: Hello. I’m Tommy Flanagan. And I’m here to tell you that my client, Oliver North, is completely innocent. You know how I know? Because it was.. it was me! Yeah, that’s the tic-.. uh.. isn’t that special! [ smiles ]

See, I was working for the CIA with my wife, Morgan Fairchild.. whom I’ve slept with. And we were spies. Yeah! She was on the cover, and I was under-.. water! Yeah, that’s it! I was disguised as a fish in the Hudson River! Yeah! And I was about to bite into a worm when I was caught. Yeah! And they dsold me to the Russian Tea Room, where I was filleted and eaten. And the next thing you know, I was.. I was back in the Hudson! [ shifts eyes ]

So I got on a jet, and I flew to Switzerland with my wife, Morgan Fairchild – whom I’ve slept with. And we were gonna hide.. deposit the money, when my plane crashed in the Himalyas. Yeah, that’s it! And to stay alive, we ate the survivors. ‘Cause the dead ones were rotten! Yeah! So there I was, fighting over the tall co-pilot, with my wife, Morgan Fairchild – whom I’ve seen naked! When suddenly, the co-pilot woke up, and he kicked me in the head, and I blacked out! And the next thing you know –

Dennis Miller: Wait a minute, Tommy. What does this have to do with Col. North?

Uh…n-n-nothing! You see, that’s my point! He had nothing to do with it! Yeah, that’s the ticket!

Dennis Miller: Tommy Flanagan. Thanks, Tom.

In a blatant effort to curry favor with a French judge and jury, accused Nazi war crimial Klaus Barbie told a stunned courtroom in Leone this week that his favorite movie has always been “The Nutty Professor”.

Sixty years ago this week, Charles Lindbergh made the historic first transatlantic solo flight in The Spirit of St. Louis, thereby paving the way for those cretins to lose my luggage.

[ to picture of “Ernest Goes To Camp” poster ]Well, this thing came out this week. What in the hell is wrong with mankind?

Amid all the noise about the Joan Rivers cancellation, ABC has cancelled “Our World”, which featured Linda Ellerbee. The two unemployed women plan to get together and open a chain of charm schools in Libya.

Donna Rice, of the recent Gary Hart scandal, was dropped from Proctor & Gamble’s commercial for Foldger’s Coffee. This decision really surprises me, folks, because she would seem to be an ideal spokesperson for a coffee company – I mean, it’s obvious she’s good at keeping people up all night.

This is Ellen Stolz, 23, a paraplegic student from California, who it was announced will appear in an eight-page layout in the July issue of Playboy Magazine. Defending his action, Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner said, “While Ellen is paralyzed from the neck down, many of the young women who have appeared in our centerfolds in the last thirty years were paralyzed from the neck up. Trust me, I know. I’ve hit on them all.”

A manuscript of a Mozart symphony sold yesterday at Sotheby’s in London for $4.4 million, the highest price ever paid for a music manuscript. The lowest price ever recorded for a music manuscript was last January, when somebody bought the original manuscript of Lionel Richie’s “Ballerina Girl” for a buck-seventy-five.

The Vandasolay people came out with a new product this week – Vandasolay #45. When applied to the skin, it destroys the sun, and, consequently, the solar system as we know it.

This week, the United States Patent Office officially changed the name of the TV remote channel changer. From here on in, it’ll be referred to as a chh-chh!

Dennis Miller: Here one last time for the season, is A. Whitney Brown with The Big Picture. Hello, Whitney.

A. Whitney Brown: Dennis. Thank you. As always, at this time of year, I’d like to address a few remarks to the latest blooming flower of our educational system, the Class of 1987. Unfortunately, a full 16% of you out there will be functionally illiterate. I’m afraid you’ll have a hard road to hold in the job market. After all, there are only so many staff positions at USA Today.

But, in many ways, you’re wiser than my own generation. We wanted to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. God, what a bunch of simps we were. My advice to you is, just try and make the world a little bit better place, for those who can afford it. And, of course, you have to stand up for what you believe in, even though you could be wrong. Because there are two sides to every issue. Then again, sometimes there isn’t. So, you have to keep an open mind. That is, unless you’re right. And even then, you never know. Unless you’re sure. In which case, it’s probably not worth sticking your neck out.

[ Whitney takes out a series of ping-pong balls ]

Perhaps a visual aid would help. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “World” ] The world is a complex place. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “Gene Poll” ] On one hand, you have commitments to your family. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “$” ] Which is not always consistent with your professional goals. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “Patriotism” ] Which, as we’ve seen, often run counter to the interests of the country as a whole. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “The Big One” ] And hanging over everything, the constant threat of nuclear annilhation. [ collects ping-pong balls between his hands and stands ] Well, you have to keep all these things going at the same time, and, believe me, it won’t be easy. [ juggles the ping-pong balls to perfection, only dropping one of them towards the end ] Thank God it wasn’t career!

That, my friends, is The Big Picture.

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Whitney. Now, did you do the elaborate lettering on those balls yourself?

You know, Snow White turned 50 this week. When asked if this was a happy time in her life, she said, “Oh, yeah, my life’s been great. I’ve been stuck in a house for the last thirty years with seven midgets, not one of whom is named Horny.”

Dennis Miller: You know, since this is the end of our season, and we won’t see each other for a while, I’d like something to remember you all by. [ pulls out a Polaroid camera ] So, if everybody at homecould just get around your TV sets.. Come on, everybody. Say “government surplus cheese.” [ snaps the picture, as the Polaroid image pops out ] I’ll keep this close always.

Now, guess what, folks? I’m gonna go grow my hair for a few months, so thanks for a nice year, ’cause that’s the season, and I am out of here!

SNL Transcripts

Don & Nancy

Don & Nancy

President Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman
Don Regan…..Kevin Nealon
Nancy Reagan…..Jan Hooks

[ open on exterior, White House ] [ SUPER: “The White House” ] [ SUPER: “Thuesday” ] [ SUPER: “February 26, 1987” ] [ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President Ronald Reagan speaking with Don Regan ]

Don Regan: Mr. President, the Tower Commission has completed its report.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, Don, you know, I’m glad this thing is finally coming out. And your future here as Chief-of-Staff depends on how you fare in the report.

Don Regan: Well, Mr. President, I brought your copy. [ hands over a bulky booklet ]

President Ronald Reagan: Oh, boy.. that’s a big one. How big is it?

Don Regan: It’s about 300 pages.

President Ronald Reagan: Oh.

Don Regan: I did take the trouble of preparing a summary of the report. [ hands over a less bulky booklet ]

President Ronald Reagan: Oh. Good. [ leafs through the booklet with wonder ]

Don Regan: Uh.. it’s about 27 pages long, sir.

President Ronald Reagan: Oh.

Don Regan: Perhaps you’d like to just scan an outline of the summary. [ hands over a few sheets of paper ]

President Ronald Reagan: Oh. Sure. How long is that?

Don Regan: 6 pages.

President Ronald Reagan: Oh.

Don Regan: Now, I havce an abstract of the outline. That might be the most sufficient.

President Ronald Reagan: Uh-huh.

Don Regan: Or, if you’d like, I could just as easily give you an oral report of the abstract.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, that would probably make the most sense!

Don Regan: Well, first of all, the report is all and all, pretty good.

President Ronald Reagan: [ excited ] Really? Well, how did I come out?

Don Regan: Very well.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, does it say I approved shipments of arms to Iran?

Don Regan: Uh, yes it does.

President Ronald Reagan: [ curious ] Did I?

Don Regan: Uh.. yes, you did.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, then, it’s a ogod report, and God bless the men and women who put it together.

Don Regan: Yes.

President Ronald Reagan: So, how did you come off, Don? I guess that’s the $64,000 question.

Don Regan: Well, actually, they said my behavior was beyond reproach.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, there, buddy! Congratulations! [ shakes Don’s hand ]

Don Regan: Hmm..

[ Nancy Reagan enters. She and Don exchange nasty looks. ]

Nancy Reagan: I didn’t realize that you were still here.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, as a matter of fact, Mommy, Don is gonna be staying on indefinately.

Nancy Reagan: Staying on?!

Don Regan: That is the President’s wish.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, I’m going to call it a day now, but before I go, I just want to say something. I can tell you two don’t get along. Now, I may not know much about foreign policy, or the budget, or trade relations.. or national defense. Or education. Or foreign policy. Or health, or social security, or.. the history of our country, really. Or how the different branches of our government work. But I do know one thing: people. And I’ll tell you something. The reason you two can’t get along is that you’re so much alike. now, I’m gonna head upstairs, and I want you to know, well.. that I’d like you to hash this out. And I think you’ll see that I’m right. Will you do that for me? Don?

Don Regan: [ sighs ] I’ll try, Mr. President.

President Ronald Reagan: Nancy?

Nancy Reagan: [ disgusted ] For you, dear.

President Ronald Reagan: See you tomorrow. [ exits Oval Office ] [ Nancy and Don exchange now-knowing glances ]

Nancy Reagan: Do you think he knows about us?

Don Regan: Not a chance!

Nancy Reagan: What about the Tower Commission?

Don Regan: We’re home free.

Nancy Reagan: [ grabs Don’s tie ] You know, I’m sorry about what I said about you to the press.

Don Regan: Ah, I’m not worried about that, Nancy. But, uh, isn’t there something else you want to say?

Nancy Reagan: [ coolly innocent ] What do you mean?

Don Regan: You know damn well what I mean! Howard Baker!

Nancy Reagan: [ laughs ] Howard Baker? Come on, we had lunch a couple of times, that’s all.

Don Regan: That’s not what I hear!

Nancy Reagan: Come on, Don, what are you saying?

Don Regan: I’m saying that I don’t trust you! I love you, but I don’t trust you!

Nancy Reagan: Don, I know you don’t mean that. It’s this crazy town, that’s what it is. I mean, in a little while it’ll be over, and then I promise you we’ll get away. I promise you that. [ tugs at Don’s jacket ]

Don Regan: I guess I’ve just been under a little strain lately. It’s just that you can’t trust anybody..

Nancy Reagan: Trust me! Come on, baby!

[ they begin to make out passionately, climbing atop the President’s desk and groping at one another ] [ President Ronald Reagan re-enters the room, smiling at the sight ]

President Ronald Reagan: [ to the camera ] See? They’re getting along just fine! I’m telling you – I know people! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/21/87

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

March 21st, 1987

Bill Murray

Percy Sledge


  • Bill’s Missing Show

  • Bill Murray’s Monologue

  • Reach Out

  • One-Night Stand

  • Donahue

    Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue.

  • Nick Slammer

    Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer.

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • Girl-Crazy Obstetrician

  • Percy Sledge performs “When A Man Loves A Woman”

  • Il Returno De Hercules

  • Mikey Can’t Shoot

  • Honker Drives A Cab

    Recurring Characters:Honker,

    SNL Transcripts

  • Il Returno de Hercules

    Il Returno de Hercules

    King Laertes…..Dana Carvey/Tom Davis (voice)
    Helena…..Nora Dunn/Jan Hooks (voice)
    Hercules…..Bill Murray
    Guard…..A Whitney Brown

    Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] “In the time known as the Heroic Age, many centuries before the birth of Christ, Greece was still a savage and uncivilized land. In these dark times, one man alone defended the helpless – the Mighty Hercules. For many years the might Hercules fought for the common people, until at length his rich diet and increasingly sedentary lifestyle began to take their toll. Though srill quite strong for a man his age, he was no longer the Hercules of old.”

    King Laertes: Why do you resist me, Helena? Become my Queen. Together, we will rule Greece!

    Helena: Never! You have stolen this land from my father. Besides, you have not reckoned yet with Hercules.

    King Laertes: Do not look to Hercules for help. My guards captured him last night. Today, he will be put to death.

    Helena: No! Spare him! I will do anything you ask.

    King Laertes: So.. you do love him!

    Helena: He is the greatest hero of Greece.

    King Laertes: I must see this warrior. Bring Hercules to me!

    Guard: Bring in Hercules!

    [ Hercules is brought in. He is old and flabby ]

    King Laertes: So, Hercules, once again, we meet. By the gods! Look at you! You really have let yourself go!

    Hercules: Is it that noticeable, Laertes?

    King Laertes: Is it noticeable?! I hardly recognized you!

    Helena: Well, I think he looks fine.

    King Laertes: Silence! So.. the Mighty Hercules! I don’t mean to be cruel, but you have really gone downhill!

    Hercules: I have not exercised much since the last Olympics. And I’ve learned, to my sorrow, that if you stop exercising, the muscle turns to fat.

    King Laertes: I was going to feed you to the Hydra, the seven-headed dragon.. but looking at you, I have a better idea. You are said to be the strongest man to ever live. I will spare your life, if you can pass a test of strength!

    Hercules: Must I pass this test of strength right away?

    King Laertes: What do you mean?

    Hercules: If I can have a month or two, to get into better condition..

    King Laertes: No! Absolutely not! You must the test of strength now! Today!

    Hercules: Very well. What is your test?

    King Laertes: Do you see that boulder over there? I want you to lift it!

    Hercules: That boulder is too large. I could life a smaller one.

    King Laertes: So! The Mighty Hercules!

    Hercules: In six months I will be able to lift it. Right after I put an end to your despotic rule, Laertes, I plan to start a new regimen – hunting, swimming, eating better.. [ rubbing his belly ] All this will disappear.

    King Laertes: Brave talk, Hercules. First, you must pass this test!

    Hercules: And if I pass this test, you will spare Helena’s life?

    King Laertes: You have my word.

    Hercules: Very well. I accept.

    Helena: No, Hercules. Don’t try to lift the boulder yourself. Get someone to help you.

    [ Hercules stretches as everyone waits ]

    King Laertes: Hercules! Look, what are you doing?

    Hercules: First, I must loosen up. I am very tight. [ continues to stretch ]

    Helena: Hercules! I beg you. Don’t! [ Hercules bends over to lift the boulder ] Hercules! The legs! Lift with the legs!

    Hercules: [ starting to raise the boulder, stopping suddenly ] My back! I think I pulled it! [ he lays on the ground, as Helena runs over to help ] This happened once before. Leave me alone. If I lie flat like this, it will fix itself.

    King Laertes: [ laughing ] Ha! Your Hercules is a weakling! Send in the Hydra!

    Guard: Send the Hydra!

    [ the Hydra appears ]

    Helena: Hercules! Get up! The Hydra!

    Hercules: I can’t. Just let me lie here, please.

    Helena: Oh, Laertes, please! Hercules can’t get up! Call off the Hydra!

    King Laertes: Very well.. Call off the Hydra.

    Guard: Call off the Hydra!

    [ the Hydra leaves ]

    Helena: Hercules, the Hydra is gone. Can I do anything for you?

    Hercules: No, Helena. Thank you. If I could just lie here for another minute..

    King Laertes: [ mocking ] The Mighty Hercules! What a disappointment!

    Hercules: [ trying to pick himself up ] I’d like to see you try it.

    King Laertes: The Mighty Hercules!

    Hercules: Stop saying “The Mighty Hercules”.

    Helena: Don’t worry about Laertes. Soon, when you have regained your strength, you can return to lift that boulder and crush him with it.

    Hercules: I can’t even think about that now..

    Helena: That’s right, Hercules. Now you must rest. For you, there will be other adventures. The gods have willed it!

    [ fade out – “Fini” at the center of the screen ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Bill Murray’s Monologue

    Bill Murray’s Monologue

    …..Bill Murray

    Bill Murray: Thank you very much! I’m very happy to be here! This is the 500th broadcast of “Saturday Night Live”!

    I’ve been away a while, it’s been a while since I’ve been here. I’m a little nervous – I’ve got a belt and suspenders on this evening! But I came back. You know why? [ audience yells “Why?” ] Because I love this country! And something happened this year that just drove a dagger through my ticker. For the first time in this nation’s history, a film comedy from another country was the #1 hit. This country didn’t make “Crocdile Dundee”. We should have, we didn’t. We got a little cocky, I think. I know what you’re gonna say – “It’s the old Chicken Little routine. No, don’t worry, Bill, this is the funniest country on Earth, always will be!” Listen.. smell the coffee, people. I’m frightened.

    Look at history, look at the French – they used to be funny. You know? What have they got now? They’ve got Jerry Lewis and the Smurfs, that’s it. Look at England – England has Benny Hill, but, you know, they squandered him. The Mexicans had Continflas – they worked him to death. And now we’re losing our edge, and the entire world knows it. Am I right, G.E.? Everybody knows it. While we were sleeping late, hanging in on Saturday mornings, the Japanese took away our cartoon shows! I mean, when you saw “Speed Racer”, didn’t something go, “Wait a second!” Now, the Germans are getting into sitcoms – I’m frightened. “Levenost nok Bever”?

    Okay. I blame myself a little bi, I mean, I could have helped a little bit.. I mean, in my own way. I just got.. you know.. I took a little time off, I got to know my friends and family a little bit, had a few dinners, a few drinks, a glass of wine.. next thing you know, a year has gone. Yuo re-order, you have second helpings, and three years are gone.. and I’m just too old, fat, and slow to know the difference. But I’m gonna try to help this country regain her natural, genetic, racial, comic supremacy. Are you with me?! Let’s start tonight! Will you promise to laugh, even if it’s not funny? [ audience applauds ] ‘Cause we need the support! We’ve got a great show. We’ve got.. well.. it’s an American show. We’ll be right back!

    SNL Transcripts

    Girl-Crazy Obstetrician

    Girl-Crazy Obstetrician

    Obstetrician…..Phil Hartman
    Reporter…..Nora Dunn
    Ted Carter…..Bill Murray
    Janet Carter…..Victoria Jackson
    Louise…..Jon Lovitz

    [ open on Obstetrician’s office – Reporter enters ]

    Reporter: Dr. Hoffritz? Shelley Barnette, People Magazine.

    Obstetrician: Come on in! Here, have a seat.

    Reporter: Thank you.

    Obstetrician: People Magazine. I don’t know why anyonewould want to read about me – I’m just a small-town family obstetrician.

    Reporter: Well, my editors seem to think you have a very interesting story here. Now, I understand you’ve been working and practicing here in Radfield for 21 years.

    Obstetrician: That’s right.

    Reporter: And you’ve delivered over 4,300 babies.

    Obstetrician: That’s right.

    Reporter: And they’ve all been girls.

    Obstetrician: That’s right. They’ve all been girls!

    Reporter: Well, you know, that’s amazing! You know, myassistant back in New York actually calculated the odds of that happening. It’s over 1 in 700 trillion.

    Obstetrician: Oh, no kidding. Well.. the important thing is – knock on wood – they’re all healthy and happy. I try to stay in touch with as many as I can. They’re like my family. They’re my little girls.

    Reporter: It’s like a miracle. Not one single boy.

    Obstetrician: [ checks his watch ] Oh, my goodness.. [ into hisintercom ] Louise? Would you send in the Carters, please? [ to thereporter ] I have an appointment – you’re welcome to stay, if you want, and take some notes. [ the Carters enter ] Hello, Janet, Ted!

    Janet Carter: Doctor!

    Obstetrician: How’s everything going?

    Janet Carter: Oh, I’m doing alright.

    Ted Carter: So far, so good. [ sits his wife down ]

    Obstetrician: Well, this is Shelly Barnette, of People Magazine.

    Ted Carter: Hello, Miss Barnette.

    Janet Carter: Hi.

    Obstetrician: They’re doing an article on me, can you believe that?

    Janet Carter: That doesn’t surprise me. Doctor Hoffritz is the best!

    Ted Carter: He delivered all seven of our daughters.

    Obstetrician: Well, I have the results of your amniocentesis right here, and I’ve.. got some good news. Everything’s fine, the baby’s healthy.

    Ted Carter: Dr. Hoffritz? Is it a boy?

    Obstetrician: [ laughs ] Now, Ted, wouldn’t you rather be surprised in the delivery room?

    Ted Carter: [ thinking ] No, Doctor! I’d like to know..

    Obstetrician: Well, no. It’s a girl.

    Ted Carter: [ slumps beside his wife’s chair ] I love girls! [ weeps ]

    Janet Carter: You see, Ted wants a boy. This is our eighth try.

    Ted Carter: We’ll try again.

    Janet Carter: No. No more.

    Ted Carter: Doctor, will this one need that operation?

    Obstetrician: Yes, I’m afraid so.

    Reporter: [ curious ] What operation is this, Doctor?

    Obstetrician: Well.. every now and then, a little girl is born with a penis and testicles. And, of course, they have to be removed and reshaped.

    Ted Carter: It’s quite routine. Five of our seven daughters have had this operation.

    Reporter: Doctor, what percent of the babies that you deliver need this operation?

    Obstetrician: Oh, I’d say.. 48, 49.. 50, 51% – in that area!

    [ Louise the Secretary – a manly-looking secretary at that – enters ]

    Louise: Doctor, here’s those reports you wanted.

    Obstetrician: Oh, thank you, Louise! Louise here was one of thefirst babies I delivered. Louise had a big date last night. How did it go?

    Louise: Oh, same old problem.

    Obstetrician: Well, don’t worry, Louise. Mr. Right’s out theresomewhere! Well.. Janet and Ted, I’ll be seeing you next week?

    Ted Carter: Thanks, Doctor.

    Janet Carter: Bye, Doctor!

    Obstetrician: Okay, bye bye.. Hey, Ted? Buck up. “A son is a son ’til he takes a wife; but a daughter is a daughter all of her life.”

    Ted Carter: God bless you and all of your work, Dr. Hoffritz! [ exits ]

    Louise: Oh, Doctor.. I’ve gotta leave early today – my electrolosis appointment.

    Obstetrician: Well, of course, Louise, anything you want.

    Louise: Thank you, Doctor. [ exits ]

    Obstetrician: Well! Another little girl! Can you believe it!

    Reporter: [ bothered ] Dr. Hoffritz, can’t you see what you’re doing here? I mean, the 48-51% – they’re not girls, they’re little boys! You have mutilated over 2,000 little boys!

    Obstetrician: No! No, they weren’t boys. They were little girls.. trapped in little boys’ bodies.. [ music sweeps over him ] You see.. boys are.. bad. They have bad thoughts! Sometimes they disobey their mothers.. they have to be punished! [ sniffles ] But what do their mothers know, anyway.. [ weeping ] They’re out all night with “Uncle Rudy”! But he’s not my uncle! Why does she call him my “uncle”..? [ falls to the floor, crying ]

    Reporter: Thank you, Doctor, very much.. I think I have enoughmaterial for my story now.. [ runs out of the office ] [ cut to photo of People Magazine with Dr. Hoffritz holding a baby “girl” on the cover ]

    Announcer: This week in People, meet girl-crazy Dr. Jacob Hoffritz, the one in a trillion obstretrician whose favorite color just has to be pink! Only in People!

    [ cut to Louise arm-in-arm with Martina Navratilova ]

    And say hello to Martina Navaratilova’s new travel companion.

    People celebrates people.

    [ fade to black ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Charlton Heston: 03/28/87

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    March 28th, 1987

    Charlton Heston

    Wynton Marsalis

    Ben Stiller

  • God Visits Oral Roberts

  • Charlton Heston’s Monologue

  • The Fruiting

  • The New Paper Chase

  • Church Chat

    Recurring Characters: Church Lady, Jim Bakker, Tammy Bakker.

  • Wynton Marsalis performs “J Mood”

  • The President Has Mustard On His Chin

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • The Sweeney Sisters

    Recurring Characters:Candy Sweeney, Liz Sweeney.

  • The Hustler Of Money

  • The Slave Drivers

  • Wynton Marsalis performs “One Mustaad”

  • UNLV Clarification

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: John Lithgow: 04/11/87

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    April 11th, 1987

    John Lithgow

    Anita Baker


    Anita Baker, “Sweet Love”

  • Stupid Marines

    Dumb Marines (Kevin Nealon, Dana Carvey) bring spies to the U.S. Embassy.

  • John Lithgow’s Monologue

    Lithgow’s upset when a boom mike mars episode’s Benchley Award effort.

  • Laramie Vice

    Vice squad (Lithgow, Kevin Nealon) solve crimes in Wild West Wyoming.

  • Dwight Henderson, World’s Meanest Methodist Minister

    Reverand Dwight Henderson (Lithgow) is the world’s meanest methodist minister.

  • The Pat Stevens Show

    Pat Stevens (Nora Dunn) consider Halston (Phil Hartman) to be a has-been.

    Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

  • Anita Baker performs “Sweet Love”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

    Kevin Nealon strays off-topic during commentary on abortion.

    A. Whitney Brown delivers Big Picture commentary on surrogate motherhood.

  • Master Thespian

    Baudelaire (Lithgow) teaches Master Thespian (Jon Lovitz) how to replace Olivier.

    Recurring Characters: Master Thespian, Baudelaire.

  • Discover

    Peter Graves (Phil Hartman) doesn’t grasp importance of bacteria slides.

    Recurring Characters: Peter Graves.

  • Transatlantic Cab Ride

    New York to San Francisco cab ride only takes driver (Lithgow) less than nine minutes.

  • Anita Baker performs “Same Ole Love”

  • The Golden Days of Television

    Boxing loser (Lithgow) is motivated to beat up rich boy (Dana Carvey).

    SNL Transcripts

  • Transatlantic Cab Ride

    Transatlantic Cab Ride

    Passenger…..Jon Lovitz
    Cabdriver…..John Lithgow
    Cop…..Phil Hartman

    [ open on Cabdriver reading the paper as Passenger enters his cab ]

    Passenger: Hi. City Hall, please, as fast as you can.

    Cabdriver: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    Passenger: I’m getting married in nine minutes.

    Cabdriver: You know, you could walk it. It’s just down the block.

    Passenger: No, it’s City Hall San Francisco.

    Cabdriver: San Francisco, California? That’s 3,000 miles away!

    Passenger: [ desperate ] I know, I know.. I’ve been at the airport all night, it’s fogged in.

    Cabdriver: Hey, pal, I sympathize with you.. but coast to coast in nine minutes, I don’t know..

    Passenger: There’s an extra twenty in it for you.

    Cabdriver: [ sighs ] Hang on.. [ starts the cab ] I could cut across Canal. It’s a little out the way, but there might be less traffic.

    Passenger: Okay, okay, try it.

    [ Cabdriver speeds out into traffic, the scenery whizzing by faster than possible ]

    Cabdriver: Ahh.. that’s more like it!

    Passenger: Hey, seven minutes left. Come on, can’t you go any faster?

    Cabdriver: Hey, pal, we’re doing 950 miles an hour now! See? We’re in Cincinnati already!

    Passenger: Hey, I heard it’s gonna rain in Cincinnati.

    [ long shot of cab toy is seen with rain pouring over it ] [ back to cab interior ]

    Cabdriver: Yeah. Yeah, right you are. [ yelling ] Hey, look out! Get outta the way! [ turns to Passenger ] Hey. Toll booth coming up – you got a quarter? Come on! [ throws the quarters out the window ] There’s another one! Hurry up! Here’s another one! Come on, here’s another! Hurry up! Come on! you help me too, huh! [ they both throw quarters out the window ]

    Passenger: [ checking his watch ] Six minutes left. Come on! Karen’s gonna kill me. Go! Go!

    Cabdriver: We’ll make it! We’ll make it! Look! We’re already in Indiana!

    Passenger: How can you tell?

    Cabdriver: We’re hitting bigger animals!

    [ a cow flies across the hood of the cab ]

    Passenger: Whoa!

    Cabdriver: Hey! Come on, let’s see what’s on the radio!

    [ radio station call letters are announced, but at various cities as they whiz past too quickly to pick up any one station for too long ] [ siren can be heard from behind the cab ]

    Cabdriver: Uh-oh. Cops! [ slows down ] Lemme do the talking. [ turns to the Cop standing outside ] Is there a problem, Officer?

    Cop: A problem? Yeah, I’d say you gota problem! I just clocked you at 965 miles an hour!

    Cabdriver: [ dumbfounded ] 965! That can’t be right, everybody was paaing us!

    Cop: Don’t give me that! You melted my radar gun! [ holds it up ]

    Cabdriver: Oh. My speedometer must be broken! It said 55, I swear..

    Cop: [ not buying it ] Oh, yeah, right..

    Passenger: Hey, Officer, it’s my fault. I’m late for my marriage.

    Cop: Well, why didn’t you just say so? I-I-I almost missed my wedding, too. Alright, I’ll let you off with a warning this time. But keep it under 600 before you get out of Colorado!

    Cabdriver: Yes, sir!

    Cop: Alright, go!

    [ Cabdriver takes off again ]

    Passenger: Hey, nice guy.

    Cabdriver: Ah, most cops are pretty good guys when you get down to it.

    Passenger: Hey, do you think we’ll make it?

    Cabdriver: Ah, sure, we’re almost there now. Here come the Rockies.

    [ long shot of cab toy is seen with snow falling on it ] [ back to cab interior ]

    Cabdriver: Yep, there go the Rockies. Interstate 12! Ahh.. [ slows down ] Here we are! City Hall! With time to spare! [ stops ] That’s $1,310 on the meter.

    Passenger: [ pays ] Here.

    Cabdriver: [ fans the wad of bills to make sure ] That’s right. And you said something about a twenty?

    Passenger: Oh, alright. [ pays it ] Hey, I really appreciate it.

    Cabdriver: Ah, don’t mention it. I ws heading across town, anyway.

    Passenger: [ panics upon reaching into his pocket ] Oh, shoot!

    Cabdriver: What’s the matter?

    Passenger: Oh, shoot! Oh, shoot! I forgot the wedding ring, and I know just where I left it, too, it’s on my dresser!

    Cabdriver: Hang on, we’ll go back and get it.

    Passenger: You don’t mind?

    Cabdriver: Ah, no problem. [ starts the cab ]

    Passenger: You think we’ll make it?

    Cabdriver: Relax! I know a shortcut!

    [ the cab speeds off onto the highways once again ] [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: World’s Meanest Methodist Minister

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: World’s Meanest Methodist Minister

    Reverend Dwight Henderson…..John Lithgow
    Secretary…..Nora Dunn
    Paul…..Kevin Nealon
    Barbara…..Victoria Jackson
    Janet…..Jan Hooks
    Marvin Hill…..Dana Carvey

    Announcer: It’s time for another episode of “Reverend DwightHenderson: World’s Meanest Methodist Minister”.

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ dictating a letter to his Secretary ] “My Dear Mrs. Randall: Regarding your invitation for Easter dinner – in someithng akin to a nightmare, I imagine myself seated with you and your.. grotesque family, suffering through an evening of what passes for conversation in your household. And the horror of that image compels me to shun your home, Madam, as I would some kind of dread skin disease.” Mmm.. “Yours, with best wishes for this holiday season.. blah, blah, blah.. Reverend Dwight Henderson.” Oh, and uh.. “P.S. Enjoy your turkey and Cheese Whiz.”

    Secretary: I’ll get this in the mail today, Reverend.

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ sighing ] Oh, Rose.. I’m sodesperately tired. Why don’t we call it a day?

    Secretary: But, Reverend, it isn’t noon yet, and there’s some people waiting to see you, they’ve been waiting all morning.

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: Honestly, can there be a job on earth more difficult than mine? Show them in.

    Secretary: [ goes to the door and lets a couple enter the Reverend’s office ] Uh, Reverend, these are the Marchinsons – Paul and Barbara.

    Barbara: Morning, Reverend.

    Paul: Morning, Reverend.

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ not interested in the formalities ] Yes, yes.. you have a problem of some kind?

    Paul: Uh, yes, Reverend.. [ fidgety ] Barbara and I were, weremarried.. uh.. two years ago.. uh.. and lately.. lately..

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: Please. Get on with it.

    Barbara: Uh, Reverend, our marriage has notbeen going on too well lately.. and before we went into a professional counselor, we thought we would ask you for your advice.

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: Madam, as a minister of the gospel, of course I recognize the importance of the institution of holy matrimony. At the same time, however, I must tell you that it simply is not a subject which interests me. Next! Next!

    [ the Marchinsons are marched out, as the next member of the congregation is brought in ]

    Secretary: Reverend, this is Janet Whitmeer..

    Janet: Good morning, Reverend!

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: Yes?

    Janet: Uh, Reverend.. I live alone with my mother..

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: Yes?

    Janet: And, uh.. she’s an invalid, and during the day I have to leave to go to work..

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ annoyed ] I trust this isleading somewhere..?

    Janet: Well.. Reverend, she has a heart condition, and I worry if something should happen.. [ Reverend Henderson mimes playing the violin in sarcasm ] ..while I’m not there. And so I was wondering if perhaps someone from the parish could just drop by and check up on her from time to time?

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ mocking ] Someone? Don’t you mean “Reverend Henderson”? Sure, why spend money on a nurse. We’ll get Reverend Henderson to do it for free! Sure! He’s happy to spend his days running all over town entertaining all our local shut-ins! He’s got nothing better to do!

    Janet: [ aghast ] Reverend, I didn’t mean you.. I.. I..

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ upset ] Oh, away with you!

    [ Janet is pushed outside, and the next member of the congregation enters ]

    Secretary: Marvin Hill.

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ perturbed ] Yes..

    Marvin Hill: [ carrying Easter basket ] Good morning, Reverend. I’m not here on account of any problem.. although, things haven’t been going too well for us since I got laid off. But I just came by to wish you a Happy Easter, and to drop off this Easter basket that the wife made..

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ miffed at the annoying gesture ]Puh-leeeeze!

    Marvin Hill: ..and to say hello from Joan and myself.. well, actually, Joan.. uh..

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ waves him off ] Dismissed! [ walks away ]

    Marvin Hill: Thank you. Thanks a lot. Thank you. [ exits ]

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ back at his desk ] Rose, you know it’s been a few weeks since we’ve gone over the accounts for the Sundaycollections.

    Secretary: Well, Reverend, there really hasn’t been much to count.

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: I see. Well, how much was turned in?

    Secretary: Well, actually, Reverend, nothing was turned in. As a matter of fact, nothing has been turned in for the last three Sundays. I think it may be part of an organized protest.

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ shocked and disturbed ] I’m afraidyou’ve lost me! A protest against what?

    Secretary: Reverend Henderson, forgive my bluntness, but you should be aware that you are not liked by some members of the parish.

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: Well, of course. They’re cattle!

    Secretary: Well, Reverend, the fact is that a great many people find your tone sort of off-putting. The Methodists in this community are used to a more conventional style ministry.. you know, someone who’s a lot more polite, and not such a.. butthole.

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ takes it in ] I see. Tell me, Rose.. why do you work for me? You know, I don’t pay you.

    Secretary: Because.. [ pause ] I love you!

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ absorbs the sudden information ]Puh-leeeeze! Spare me!

    Announcer: This has been another episode of “Reverend DwightHenderson: World’s Meanest Methodist Minister”.

    SNL Transcripts