Easy Rider

Easy Rider

Billy…..Dennis Hopper
Doctor…..Jon Lovitz
Wyatt…..Dana Carvey
George Hanson…..Phil Hartman

[ open on edited ending footage of “Easy Rider”, as Billy and Wyatt are shot off their motorcycles by a pair of redneck in a beat-up farm truck ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Mercer Parish Medical Clinic ]

[ SUPER: “Later That Day” ]

[ Billy and Wyatt exit the clinic covered in bandages, with Doctor close behind them ]

Doctor: How do those bandages feel?

Billy: Hey, man. They feel kind of tight, man.

Wyatt: Yeah. When can we take them off, man?

Doctor: Now, you just let those bandages be. You boys are lucky to be alive! What the hell did you say to ol’ Curtis, anyway, to make him so mad?

Billy: Hey, nothing, man! Like, he pulled up next to me, man. He said, “Why don’tcha get a haircut, man!” Like, you know? And he shot me!

Wyatt: Yeah. Me, too, man.

Doctor: Well.. these things will happen. Here, if you have any pain, here’s some pain pills for you.

Wyatt: [ moaning ] Oh, man.. I don’t need these, man. You can get strung out on these things, man..

Billy: [ slyly ] Yeeeeaaahhh. I’d better keep these.

[ suddenly, George Hanson, now more than ever a caricature of Jack Nicholson, ambles into the scene ]

George Hanson: There you guys are!

Billy and Wyatt: George!!

George Hanson: Why’d you go off and leave me like that, man!

Billy: George, man, I thought you were dead, man!

Wyatt: Yeah, man.

George Hanson: Nah.. just a bad hangover. I felt like I’d been whopped on the head with an ax handle. [ holds up bottle ] This stuff’ll ruin ya!

Billy: Yeah, man. I’ll take that. [ opens bottle ]

Wyatt: Hey, how’d ya get here, anyway, man?

George Hanson: Oh. I thumbed a ride from these two guys in a pick-up truck. They seemed like pretty nice fella, actually..

Wyatt: Well, I guess we’ll be moving on, Doc.

Billy: Yeah, now, uh.. which way, man? Like, give me the directions again to the barber shop, man.

Doctor: [ pointing ] Alright, now.. you just go straight down this road, for about eight miles. It’s right there.

Wyatt: Hey,sn’t there a closer way to go, man?

Doctor: No, that’s the closest one.

Billy: Okay, you ready, George, man?

[ hops onto the back of Wyatt’s motorcycle ]

George Hanson: Roger, Wilco!

Billy: Alright, buddy.

George Hanson: Maybe we should vacate these environs and motor north to Gotham!

Doctor: Get the razor cut – it’s worth it!

[ the three hippies start their bikes and exit the scene ]

[ pan to the motorcycles in motion, as the scenery zips past them, George waving his arms like in the “If You Wanna Be A Bird” sequence ]

[ Music Over: “Born To Be Wild” ]

Billy: George! Look!

[ Billy climbs on his bike and raises one leg in the air, causing George to laugh at his shenanigans ]

Wyatt: Alright, man!

Billy: Watch this one!

[ Billy grabs his handlebars tightly, then swings both legs in the air behind him, letting the wind keep his body flapping horizontally ]

Billy: Whoa!

George Hanson: Yeah!

Billy: You ready? Hey!

[ Billy jumps off his motorcycle and races beside it until he finally decides to jump back onboard ]

Billy: “Live, from New York, man.. it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

Transatlantic Cab Ride

Transatlantic Cab Ride

Passenger…..Jon Lovitz
Cabdriver…..John Lithgow
Cop…..Phil Hartman

[ open on Cabdriver reading the paper as Passenger enters his cab ]

Passenger: Hi. City Hall, please, as fast as you can.

Cabdriver: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Passenger: I’m getting married in nine minutes.

Cabdriver: You know, you could walk it. It’s just down the block.

Passenger: No, it’s City Hall San Francisco.

Cabdriver: San Francisco, California? That’s 3,000 miles away!

Passenger: [ desperate ] I know, I know.. I’ve been at the airport all night, it’s fogged in.

Cabdriver: Hey, pal, I sympathize with you.. but coast to coast in nine minutes, I don’t know..

Passenger: There’s an extra twenty in it for you.

Cabdriver: [ sighs ] Hang on.. [ starts the cab ] I could cut across Canal. It’s a little out the way, but there might be less traffic.

Passenger: Okay, okay, try it.

[ Cabdriver speeds out into traffic, the scenery whizzing by faster than possible ]

Cabdriver: Ahh.. that’s more like it!

Passenger: Hey, seven minutes left. Come on, can’t you go any faster?

Cabdriver: Hey, pal, we’re doing 950 miles an hour now! See? We’re in Cincinnati already!

Passenger: Hey, I heard it’s gonna rain in Cincinnati.

[ long shot of cab toy is seen with rain pouring over it ]

[ back to cab interior ]

Cabdriver: Yeah. Yeah, right you are. [ yelling ] Hey, look out! Get outta the way! [ turns to Passenger ] Hey. Toll booth coming up – you got a quarter? Come on! [ throws the quarters out the window ] There’s another one! Hurry up! Here’s another one! Come on, here’s another! Hurry up! Come on! you help me too, huh! [ they both throw quarters out the window ]

Passenger: [ checking his watch ] Six minutes left. Come on! Karen’s gonna kill me. Go! Go!

Cabdriver: We’ll make it! We’ll make it! Look! We’re already in Indiana!

Passenger: How can you tell?

Cabdriver: We’re hitting bigger animals!

[ a cow flies across the hood of the cab ]

Passenger: Whoa!

Cabdriver: Hey! Come on, let’s see what’s on the radio!

[ radio station call letters are announced, but at various cities as they whiz past too quickly to pick up any one station for too long ]

[ siren can be heard from behind the cab ]

Cabdriver: Uh-oh. Cops! [ slows down ] Lemme do the talking. [ turns to the Cop standing outside ] Is there a problem, Officer?

Cop: A problem? Yeah, I’d say you gota problem! I just clocked you at 965 miles an hour!

Cabdriver: [ dumbfounded ] 965! That can’t be right, everybody was paaing us!

Cop: Don’t give me that! You melted my radar gun! [ holds it up ]

Cabdriver: Oh. My speedometer must be broken! It said 55, I swear..

Cop: [ not buying it ] Oh, yeah, right..

Passenger: Hey, Officer, it’s my fault. I’m late for my marriage.

Cop: Well, why didn’t you just say so? I-I-I almost missed my wedding, too. Alright, I’ll let you off with a warning this time. But keep it under 600 before you get out of Colorado!

Cabdriver: Yes, sir!

Cop: Alright, go!

[ Cabdriver takes off again ]

Passenger: Hey, nice guy.

Cabdriver: Ah, most cops are pretty good guys when you get down to it.

Passenger: Hey, do you think we’ll make it?

Cabdriver: Ah, sure, we’re almost there now. Here come the Rockies.

[ long shot of cab toy is seen with snow falling on it ]

[ back to cab interior ]

Cabdriver: Yep, there go the Rockies. Interstate 12! Ahh.. [ slows down ] Here we are! City Hall! With time to spare! [ stops ] That’s $1,310 on the meter.

Passenger: [ pays ] Here.

Cabdriver: [ fans the wad of bills to make sure ] That’s right. And you said something about a twenty?

Passenger: Oh, alright. [ pays it ] Hey, I really appreciate it.

Cabdriver: Ah, don’t mention it. I ws heading across town, anyway.

Passenger: [ panics upon reaching into his pocket ] Oh, shoot!

Cabdriver: What’s the matter?

Passenger: Oh, shoot! Oh, shoot! I forgot the wedding ring, and I know just where I left it, too, it’s on my dresser!

Cabdriver: Hang on, we’ll go back and get it.

Passenger: You don’t mind?

Cabdriver: Ah, no problem. [ starts the cab ]

Passenger: You think we’ll make it?

Cabdriver: Relax! I know a shortcut!

[ the cab speeds off onto the highways once again ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts