Department Store Sketch


Department Store Sketch

Marge Keister…..Jan Hooks
Doug Clipper…..Garry Shandling
Mr. Dingle…..Phil Hartman


[ zoom in on Marge Keister working the counter at department store ]

Marge Keister: Thank you for shopping at Bamburger’s, where a satisfied customer is our only goal! Thank you! Bye bye! [ giggles ] [ audience applauds wildly as Garry steps out of elevator and smiles acknowedgingly before approaching the counter ]

Marge Keister: May I help you?

Doug Clipper: Oh, yes. Hi. I’m Doug Clipper. And I’d like to return this sweater.

Marge Keister: Okay, fine. Do you have a receipt?

[ Garry flashes a knowing smile at the audience, stifling his need to laugh ]

Doug Clipper: [ laughs anyway ] No. No, I don’t!

Marge Keister: Well, now, I’m sorry, Mr. Clipper. No receipt, no refund. It says it right here. [ points to sign in front of the cash register ]

Garry Shandling: God, is she great, or what? It’s just like being in as department store. Good job, Jan! Jan Hooks, ladies and gentlemen, give her a hand!

[ audience applauds wildly, embarrassing Jan who’s trying to remain in character ]

Marge Keister: Um.. wouldn’t you like to see the manager, Mr. Clipper?

Garry Shandling: [ stone-faced at first ] Oh, right, the manager. [ getting back into character ] Oh, sure.. right.. the manager. [ turns to the audience ] I remember, I first met Jan in Los Angeles, even before she got “Saturday Night Live”. I met her at a party at Kevin Nealon’s house. He’s one of the cast members, he’s gonna be on a little later. I can’t wait to work with him, because he’s a good friend –

[ Jan sticks to her character ]

Marge Keister: Well, then, if you insist, I will call the manager! Mr. Dingle to Register 5! Mr. Dingle to Register 5!

Garry Shandling: Mr. Dingle! What a classic comedy name! Not as good as Shandling, of course.

[ Phil Hartman enters as a store manager, closely resembling .. from “The Jack Benny Show” ]

Mr. Dingle: YE-E-E-E-ESSSS??!!! What seems to be the problem?!

Garry Shandling: [ excited, to the audience ] Is this great casting, or what? Really. Good job, Phil, how’s it going?

Mr. Dingle: [ sticking to his character ] I said, what seems to be the problem?!

Doug Clipper: Oh.. uh.. well.. I have this sweater I’d like to return.

Marge Keister: But, but, but.. he doesn’t have the receipt.

Mr. Dingle: I see! Well, is there something wro-o-o-o-onggg with it?!

Doug Clipper: [ chuckles ] That’s great! Well, as a matter of fact.. it’s too small! [ holds up tiny sweater, laughing ]

Mr. Dingle: Oh, really?! Miss Keister, you don’t suppose Mr. Clipper here is trying to pull the woo-oo-ooll over your eyes?! [ laughs ] Did I make a pun?

Marge Keister: [ giggling ] I believe you did, Mr. Dingle!

Mr. Dingle: We’re sorry, Mr. Clipper, but we simply cannot give you a refund on that sweater!

Garry Shandling: [ to audience ] Ohhh.. they’re not going to take it back. [ audience sympathizes ] I make a great victim, don’t I? You know –

Mr. Dingle: Mr. Clipper! Mr. Clipper!

Marge Keister: Would you like to purchase another sweater, Mr. Clipper?

Mr. Dingle: Or try on some teeny pa-a-a-a-anttsss?!

Garry Shandling: Oh.. oh, right.. sure, Phil.. Jan.. hold on a second. [ walks away from the counter to address the audience ] You know what I hate most about sweaters? People who tie them around their shoulders! I hate those people! They think it looks cool. It looks like they can’t dress themselves! It looks like they’re home, going, “Honey, I can’t get this on.. maybe I’ll just tie it on, nobody will notice.” I always wonder if they have their socks tied around their ankles. Men don’t know how to dress. They should put expiration dates on clothing, so we know when they go out of style. God.. thanks. I love doing sketch comedy, this is great, isn’t it? I think it’s the give and take that’s so special. [ turns back to Phil and Jan ] Thanks, guys! Is this..? It was a great sketch.

Mr. Dingle: Well, thank you for shopping at Bamburger’sssss!!

Jan Hooks: [ removes her wig and glasses ] Give it up, Phil! Forget it!

Phil Hartman: [ groans ]

Jan Hooks: Thanks a lot, Gary! [ trns to exit with Phil ] We have to work the rest of the show with this guy!

[ they exit ]

Garry Shandling: Well, we’re off to a great start, don’t you think? Okay, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Girl-Crazy Obstetrician


Girl-Crazy Obstetrician

Obstetrician…..Phil Hartman
Reporter…..Nora Dunn
Ted Carter…..Bill Murray
Janet Carter…..Victoria Jackson
Louise…..Jon Lovitz


[ open on Obstetrician’s office – Reporter enters ]

Reporter: Dr. Hoffritz? Shelley Barnette, People Magazine.

Obstetrician: Come on in! Here, have a seat.

Reporter: Thank you.

Obstetrician: People Magazine. I don’t know why anyonewould want to read about me – I’m just a small-town family obstetrician.

Reporter: Well, my editors seem to think you have a very interesting story here. Now, I understand you’ve been working and practicing here in Radfield for 21 years.

Obstetrician: That’s right.

Reporter: And you’ve delivered over 4,300 babies.

Obstetrician: That’s right.

Reporter: And they’ve all been girls.

Obstetrician: That’s right. They’ve all been girls!

Reporter: Well, you know, that’s amazing! You know, myassistant back in New York actually calculated the odds of that happening. It’s over 1 in 700 trillion.

Obstetrician: Oh, no kidding. Well.. the important thing is – knock on wood – they’re all healthy and happy. I try to stay in touch with as many as I can. They’re like my family. They’re my little girls.

Reporter: It’s like a miracle. Not one single boy.

Obstetrician: [ checks his watch ] Oh, my goodness.. [ into hisintercom ] Louise? Would you send in the Carters, please? [ to thereporter ] I have an appointment – you’re welcome to stay, if you want, and take some notes. [ the Carters enter ] Hello, Janet, Ted!

Janet Carter: Doctor!

Obstetrician: How’s everything going?

Janet Carter: Oh, I’m doing alright.

Ted Carter: So far, so good. [ sits his wife down ]

Obstetrician: Well, this is Shelly Barnette, of People Magazine.

Ted Carter: Hello, Miss Barnette.

Janet Carter: Hi.

Obstetrician: They’re doing an article on me, can you believe that?

Janet Carter: That doesn’t surprise me. Doctor Hoffritz is the best!

Ted Carter: He delivered all seven of our daughters.

Obstetrician: Well, I have the results of your amniocentesis right here, and I’ve.. got some good news. Everything’s fine, the baby’s healthy.

Ted Carter: Dr. Hoffritz? Is it a boy?

Obstetrician: [ laughs ] Now, Ted, wouldn’t you rather be surprised in the delivery room?

Ted Carter: [ thinking ] No, Doctor! I’d like to know..

Obstetrician: Well, no. It’s a girl.

Ted Carter: [ slumps beside his wife’s chair ] I love girls! [ weeps ]

Janet Carter: You see, Ted wants a boy. This is our eighth try.

Ted Carter: We’ll try again.

Janet Carter: No. No more.

Ted Carter: Doctor, will this one need that operation?

Obstetrician: Yes, I’m afraid so.

Reporter: [ curious ] What operation is this, Doctor?

Obstetrician: Well.. every now and then, a little girl is born with a penis and testicles. And, of course, they have to be removed and reshaped.

Ted Carter: It’s quite routine. Five of our seven daughters have had this operation.

Reporter: Doctor, what percent of the babies that you deliver need this operation?

Obstetrician: Oh, I’d say.. 48, 49.. 50, 51% – in that area!

[ Louise the Secretary – a manly-looking secretary at that – enters ]

Louise: Doctor, here’s those reports you wanted.

Obstetrician: Oh, thank you, Louise! Louise here was one of thefirst babies I delivered. Louise had a big date last night. How did it go?

Louise: Oh, same old problem.

Obstetrician: Well, don’t worry, Louise. Mr. Right’s out theresomewhere! Well.. Janet and Ted, I’ll be seeing you next week?

Ted Carter: Thanks, Doctor.

Janet Carter: Bye, Doctor!

Obstetrician: Okay, bye bye.. Hey, Ted? Buck up. “A son is a son ’til he takes a wife; but a daughter is a daughter all of her life.”

Ted Carter: God bless you and all of your work, Dr. Hoffritz! [ exits ]

Louise: Oh, Doctor.. I’ve gotta leave early today – my electrolosis appointment.

Obstetrician: Well, of course, Louise, anything you want.

Louise: Thank you, Doctor. [ exits ]

Obstetrician: Well! Another little girl! Can you believe it!

Reporter: [ bothered ] Dr. Hoffritz, can’t you see what you’re doing here? I mean, the 48-51% – they’re not girls, they’re little boys! You have mutilated over 2,000 little boys!

Obstetrician: No! No, they weren’t boys. They were little girls.. trapped in little boys’ bodies.. [ music sweeps over him ] You see.. boys are.. bad. They have bad thoughts! Sometimes they disobey their mothers.. they have to be punished! [ sniffles ] But what do their mothers know, anyway.. [ weeping ] They’re out all night with “Uncle Rudy”! But he’s not my uncle! Why does she call him my “uncle”..? [ falls to the floor, crying ]

Reporter: Thank you, Doctor, very much.. I think I have enoughmaterial for my story now.. [ runs out of the office ] [ cut to photo of People Magazine with Dr. Hoffritz holding a baby “girl” on the cover ]

Announcer: This week in People, meet girl-crazy Dr. Jacob Hoffritz, the one in a trillion obstretrician whose favorite color just has to be pink! Only in People!

[ cut to Louise arm-in-arm with Martina Navratilova ]

And say hello to Martina Navaratilova’s new travel companion.

People celebrates people.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller


Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
Jimmy Stewart…..Dana Carvey


[ Music Open: “” ]

Anouncer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

Gary and Lee Hart have announced that, in an effort to reaffirm their love for each other, they will take their marriage vows again and recreate their wedding ceremony. The event will take place in a small chapel just outside of Denver, and Lee said, “We will try to recreate the wedding as faithfully as we can, but we’ll probably skip the rice thing.”

You know, in retrospect, it’s a shame Gary Hart had to drop out of the campaign, because, while I never saw it before, for a while there last week, he really did remind me of Jack Kennedy.

You know, this might seem like a strange coincidence, but we did find this classifed ad in the Miami Herald personal section this week: “Single 28 yr old-Phi Beta Kappa blonde actress/model. Seeks horny famous man. Smokers and Democrats need not apply.”

Yesterday, reporters were taken on a tour of the Presidential Suite at the PTL’s Heritage Grand Hotel, used by former PTL Chairman Jim Bakker and his wife Tammy Fae. It’s a lavish layout with antique furniture, crystal chandeliers, gold plumbing fixtures, fifty-foot closets, and other regal trappings. Gee.. imagine what God’s place must look like.

You know, it was revealed this week that $92 million in funds are missing from the PTL’s coffers. Boy, these people are really gonna have to face the music some day, because, of all the sins in the universe, I gotta think skimming from God is right up there with the worst of them, huh?

In the privacy of an airborne Air Force One yesterday, President Reagan held a secret meeting with the ghost of former CIA director William Casey, where he listened intently as Casey detailed plans for bugging God’s office.

Yesterday, Fawn Hall was accused of sneaking classified documents out of the White House by hiding them in her underwear. However, Fawn is in the clear, since Oliver North was wearing her underwear at the time.

New York City is backing an ad campaign geared to warning heterosexual women about therisk of AIDS. This is one of the posters. She says, “I hope he doesn’t have AIDS.” and he says, “I hope she doesn’t have AIDS.” And it’s captioned, “You can’t live on hope.” To broaden the base of the appeal, a plan is under way to use nationally syndicated cartoon characters. Here’s a panel from a Nancy cartoon, in which Sluggo is thinking, “I hope she doesn’t have AIDS.” and Nancy is caught thinking, “I hope he doesn’t have a penis.”

You know, Weekend Update asked 100 doctors, if they were stranded on a desert island what pain reliever they would like to have handy, and 4 out of 5 doctors said they’d choose whatever McFarlane was on at the hearings.

Disneyland now has its own currency, Disney dollars, signed by Scrooge McDuck and usable as legal tender. However, there was panic in Anaheim this week when 10 million Disney dollars mysteriously disappeared. Fears were soon calmed, though, when it was learned the money had been misplaced by Goofy, the Magic Kingdom CPA.

Following the appearance of such figures as Woody Allen and Ginger Rogers, at Congressional hearings on movie colorizing, representative Richard Gephardt, Missouri Democrat and presidential hopeful, said he would introduce legislation aimed at ending the colorizing of motion picture classics. Those in the political arena are amazed that Gephardt would spearhead this effort, since he is the one entity in the universe impervious to colorization.

Dennis Miller: And now, with an editorial on the colorization of black and white movies, here is special Weekend Update guest commentator Jimmy Stewart. Nice to see you, Jimmy!

Jimmy Stewart: It’s good to see you, too, Jimmy. It’s good to see you. You look fine! Alright.

Well, let me get on with what I want to say here. Now, now, folks, I know you’ve been hearing a lot about this thing they call.. colorization. Now.. yeah, that’s what they call it. Now, if-if-if you don’t know what it is, it-it-it’s where they take a black and white movie – wh-which is perfectly fine the way it is – and, wi-wi-with a computer, a guy presses dommbie-doombie-doombie, and then the damn thing’s in color all of a sudden! Doombie-doombie, right to color.

Now, the cinematographers on-on-on these pictures, they’re artists! And-and-and their work’s being sabotaged by a bnch of high-tech bushwhackers, if you ask my, my opinion on th-this whole thing here. B-b-but who are these people? I mean, what else are they gonna do? Are they gonna take the Mona Lisa and paint a bigger smile on the gal? “Th-th-there you go, Mona, you’re happier now!” Yeah.

Wh-wh-what else are they gonna do? Are they gonna go over to Egypt and chop the top off of a pyramid and put a condo up there? “L-l-look, honey, from the bedroom, you can see the Nile!” And, like that.

You know, I-I-I mean, th-th-these people, they-they just make me so mad, you know? I mean, some things are just better left the way they are, if you aks me! These little punks, they just, they make my skin crawl! If-if-if I saw one of those punks trying to doombie-doombie to my movie, I-I-I.. well, I’d kick his ass! Now, just stop messing with my movies, that’s all I’m saying! Just leave them the way they are, they’re not meant to change! There’s no reason why you have to –

Dennis Miller: Take it easy, Jimmy.

Jimmy Stewart: I’m sorry Dennis, it’s just that I’m mighty peeved. And, no offense to you, you know we’re very good friends, but don’t push me, Miller, don’t push me! You know, why don’t you just get a haircut? It’s a little long, let me tell you. You might want to trim it there, b-b-but I’m sorry I got a little upset.

Dennis Miller: No, I’m with you. Alright. Jimmy Stewart, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Jimmy.The Census Department calculates that there are now five billion people on earth, and the number is expected to double by the year 2022 to ten billion people. The department also cautioned that the number of truly interesting people in the world will remain at thirty-eight.

The Bernard Goetz Legal Defense Fund Committee is soliciting five dollar contributions. If a Goetz fundraiser asks you for a donation, just hand it over and get the hell out of there.

Is it just me, or wouldn’t you like to just once see Nancy Reagan dressed up in Frank Gorshwin’s old Riddler costume?

And yesterday, the White House announced it will sell a half-billion dollars worth of F-15 fighter planes to Saudi Arabia, which prompted Yankees owner George Steinbrenner to fire manager Lou Pinella.

Dennis Miller: Hey, guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am out of here!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Charlton Heston: 03/28/87


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

March 28th, 1987

Charlton Heston

Wynton Marsalis

Ben Stiller

  • God Visits Oral Roberts

  • Charlton Heston’s Monologue

  • The Fruiting

  • The New Paper Chase

  • Church Chat

    Recurring Characters: Church Lady, Jim Bakker, Tammy Bakker.

  • Wynton Marsalis performs “J Mood”

  • The President Has Mustard On His Chin

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • The Sweeney Sisters

    Recurring Characters:Candy Sweeney, Liz Sweeney.

  • The Hustler Of Money

  • The Slave Drivers

  • Wynton Marsalis performs “One Mustaad”

  • UNLV Clarification

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Dennis Hopper: 05/23/87


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    May 23rd, 1987

    Dennis Hopper

    Roy Orbison

    None

    Roy Orbison, “Crying”

  • Easy Rider

    Wyatt (Dana Carvey) and Billy (Hopper) survived their southern shooting.

  • Dennis Hopper’s Monologue

    Hopper says it’s great to be clean and sober.

  • Church Chat

    Hopper and Church Lady (Dana Carvey) discuss wilder days.

    Recurring Characters: Church Lady, Jenny Baker.

  • Roy Orbison performs “Crying” and “Pretty Woman”

  • Frank Booth’s What’s That Smell?

    Contestants must inhale odors and guess the correct smell.

    Recurring Characters: Robin Leach, Tammy Faye Bakker.

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

    Tommy Flanagan (Jon Lovitz) lies about client Oliver North’s innocence.

    A. Whitney Brown demonstrates juggling act for the Class of ’87.

    Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

  • Problem Drinkers From Outer Space

    Drunken aliens (Hopper, Phil Hartman) give press conference on Earth.

  • This Week with David Brinkley

    Sam Donaldson (Kevin Nealon) distracts panel discussion by leaning back in chair.

    Recurring Characters: David Brinkley, George Will, Sam Donaldson.

  • Cannibal Job Interview

    Cannibalism questions are raised during Hal McGowan’s (Hopper) job interview.

  • Roy Orbison performs “In Dreams”

  • Last Chance Gas Station

    Small town car mechanic (Hopper) argues with businessman (Phil Hartman).

  • Sweeney Sisters

    Liz (Nora Dunn) and Candy Sweeney (Jan Hooks) sing “goodbye” medley.

    Recurring Characters: Liz Sweeney, Candy Sweeney.

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: John Lithgow: 04/11/87


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    April 11th, 1987

    John Lithgow

    Anita Baker

    None

    Anita Baker, “Sweet Love”

  • Stupid Marines

    Dumb Marines (Kevin Nealon, Dana Carvey) bring spies to the U.S. Embassy.

  • John Lithgow’s Monologue

    Lithgow’s upset when a boom mike mars episode’s Benchley Award effort.

  • Laramie Vice

    Vice squad (Lithgow, Kevin Nealon) solve crimes in Wild West Wyoming.

  • Dwight Henderson, World’s Meanest Methodist Minister

    Reverand Dwight Henderson (Lithgow) is the world’s meanest methodist minister.

  • The Pat Stevens Show

    Pat Stevens (Nora Dunn) consider Halston (Phil Hartman) to be a has-been.

    Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

  • Anita Baker performs “Sweet Love”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

    Kevin Nealon strays off-topic during commentary on abortion.

    A. Whitney Brown delivers Big Picture commentary on surrogate motherhood.

  • Master Thespian

    Baudelaire (Lithgow) teaches Master Thespian (Jon Lovitz) how to replace Olivier.

    Recurring Characters: Master Thespian, Baudelaire.

  • Discover

    Peter Graves (Phil Hartman) doesn’t grasp importance of bacteria slides.

    Recurring Characters: Peter Graves.

  • Transatlantic Cab Ride

    New York to San Francisco cab ride only takes driver (Lithgow) less than nine minutes.

  • Anita Baker performs “Same Ole Love”

  • The Golden Days of Television

    Boxing loser (Lithgow) is motivated to beat up rich boy (Dana Carvey).

    SNL Transcripts

  • Easy Rider


    Easy Rider

    Billy…..Dennis Hopper
    Doctor…..Jon Lovitz
    Wyatt…..Dana Carvey
    George Hanson…..Phil Hartman


    [ open on edited ending footage of “Easy Rider”, as Billy and Wyatt are shot off their motorcycles by a pair of redneck in a beat-up farm truck ] [ dissolve to exterior, Mercer Parish Medical Clinic ] [ SUPER: “Later That Day” ] [ Billy and Wyatt exit the clinic covered in bandages, with Doctor close behind them ]

    Doctor: How do those bandages feel?

    Billy: Hey, man. They feel kind of tight, man.

    Wyatt: Yeah. When can we take them off, man?

    Doctor: Now, you just let those bandages be. You boys are lucky to be alive! What the hell did you say to ol’ Curtis, anyway, to make him so mad?

    Billy: Hey, nothing, man! Like, he pulled up next to me, man. He said, “Why don’tcha get a haircut, man!” Like, you know? And he shot me!

    Wyatt: Yeah. Me, too, man.

    Doctor: Well.. these things will happen. Here, if you have any pain, here’s some pain pills for you.

    Wyatt: [ moaning ] Oh, man.. I don’t need these, man. You can get strung out on these things, man..

    Billy: [ slyly ] Yeeeeaaahhh. I’d better keep these.

    [ suddenly, George Hanson, now more than ever a caricature of Jack Nicholson, ambles into the scene ]

    George Hanson: There you guys are!

    Billy and Wyatt: George!!

    George Hanson: Why’d you go off and leave me like that, man!

    Billy: George, man, I thought you were dead, man!

    Wyatt: Yeah, man.

    George Hanson: Nah.. just a bad hangover. I felt like I’d been whopped on the head with an ax handle. [ holds up bottle ] This stuff’ll ruin ya!

    Billy: Yeah, man. I’ll take that. [ opens bottle ]

    Wyatt: Hey, how’d ya get here, anyway, man?

    George Hanson: Oh. I thumbed a ride from these two guys in a pick-up truck. They seemed like pretty nice fella, actually..

    Wyatt: Well, I guess we’ll be moving on, Doc.

    Billy: Yeah, now, uh.. which way, man? Like, give me the directions again to the barber shop, man.

    Doctor: [ pointing ] Alright, now.. you just go straight down this road, for about eight miles. It’s right there.

    Wyatt: Hey,sn’t there a closer way to go, man?

    Doctor: No, that’s the closest one.

    Billy: Okay, you ready, George, man?

    [ hops onto the back of Wyatt’s motorcycle ]

    George Hanson: Roger, Wilco!

    Billy: Alright, buddy.

    George Hanson: Maybe we should vacate these environs and motor north to Gotham!

    Doctor: Get the razor cut – it’s worth it!

    [ the three hippies start their bikes and exit the scene ] [ pan to the motorcycles in motion, as the scenery zips past them, George waving his arms like in the “If You Wanna Be A Bird” sequence ] [ Music Over: “Born To Be Wild” ]

    Billy: George! Look!

    [ Billy climbs on his bike and raises one leg in the air, causing George to laugh at his shenanigans ]

    Wyatt: Alright, man!

    Billy: Watch this one!

    [ Billy grabs his handlebars tightly, then swings both legs in the air behind him, letting the wind keep his body flapping horizontally ]

    Billy: Whoa!

    George Hanson: Yeah!

    Billy: You ready? Hey!

    [ Billy jumps off his motorcycle and races beside it until he finally decides to jump back onboard ]

    Billy: “Live, from New York, man.. it’s Saturday Night!

    SNL Transcripts

    Transatlantic Cab Ride


    Transatlantic Cab Ride

    Passenger…..Jon Lovitz
    Cabdriver…..John Lithgow
    Cop…..Phil Hartman


    [ open on Cabdriver reading the paper as Passenger enters his cab ]

    Passenger: Hi. City Hall, please, as fast as you can.

    Cabdriver: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    Passenger: I’m getting married in nine minutes.

    Cabdriver: You know, you could walk it. It’s just down the block.

    Passenger: No, it’s City Hall San Francisco.

    Cabdriver: San Francisco, California? That’s 3,000 miles away!

    Passenger: [ desperate ] I know, I know.. I’ve been at the airport all night, it’s fogged in.

    Cabdriver: Hey, pal, I sympathize with you.. but coast to coast in nine minutes, I don’t know..

    Passenger: There’s an extra twenty in it for you.

    Cabdriver: [ sighs ] Hang on.. [ starts the cab ] I could cut across Canal. It’s a little out the way, but there might be less traffic.

    Passenger: Okay, okay, try it.

    [ Cabdriver speeds out into traffic, the scenery whizzing by faster than possible ]

    Cabdriver: Ahh.. that’s more like it!

    Passenger: Hey, seven minutes left. Come on, can’t you go any faster?

    Cabdriver: Hey, pal, we’re doing 950 miles an hour now! See? We’re in Cincinnati already!

    Passenger: Hey, I heard it’s gonna rain in Cincinnati.

    [ long shot of cab toy is seen with rain pouring over it ] [ back to cab interior ]

    Cabdriver: Yeah. Yeah, right you are. [ yelling ] Hey, look out! Get outta the way! [ turns to Passenger ] Hey. Toll booth coming up – you got a quarter? Come on! [ throws the quarters out the window ] There’s another one! Hurry up! Here’s another one! Come on, here’s another! Hurry up! Come on! you help me too, huh! [ they both throw quarters out the window ]

    Passenger: [ checking his watch ] Six minutes left. Come on! Karen’s gonna kill me. Go! Go!

    Cabdriver: We’ll make it! We’ll make it! Look! We’re already in Indiana!

    Passenger: How can you tell?

    Cabdriver: We’re hitting bigger animals!

    [ a cow flies across the hood of the cab ]

    Passenger: Whoa!

    Cabdriver: Hey! Come on, let’s see what’s on the radio!

    [ radio station call letters are announced, but at various cities as they whiz past too quickly to pick up any one station for too long ] [ siren can be heard from behind the cab ]

    Cabdriver: Uh-oh. Cops! [ slows down ] Lemme do the talking. [ turns to the Cop standing outside ] Is there a problem, Officer?

    Cop: A problem? Yeah, I’d say you gota problem! I just clocked you at 965 miles an hour!

    Cabdriver: [ dumbfounded ] 965! That can’t be right, everybody was paaing us!

    Cop: Don’t give me that! You melted my radar gun! [ holds it up ]

    Cabdriver: Oh. My speedometer must be broken! It said 55, I swear..

    Cop: [ not buying it ] Oh, yeah, right..

    Passenger: Hey, Officer, it’s my fault. I’m late for my marriage.

    Cop: Well, why didn’t you just say so? I-I-I almost missed my wedding, too. Alright, I’ll let you off with a warning this time. But keep it under 600 before you get out of Colorado!

    Cabdriver: Yes, sir!

    Cop: Alright, go!

    [ Cabdriver takes off again ]

    Passenger: Hey, nice guy.

    Cabdriver: Ah, most cops are pretty good guys when you get down to it.

    Passenger: Hey, do you think we’ll make it?

    Cabdriver: Ah, sure, we’re almost there now. Here come the Rockies.

    [ long shot of cab toy is seen with snow falling on it ] [ back to cab interior ]

    Cabdriver: Yep, there go the Rockies. Interstate 12! Ahh.. [ slows down ] Here we are! City Hall! With time to spare! [ stops ] That’s $1,310 on the meter.

    Passenger: [ pays ] Here.

    Cabdriver: [ fans the wad of bills to make sure ] That’s right. And you said something about a twenty?

    Passenger: Oh, alright. [ pays it ] Hey, I really appreciate it.

    Cabdriver: Ah, don’t mention it. I ws heading across town, anyway.

    Passenger: [ panics upon reaching into his pocket ] Oh, shoot!

    Cabdriver: What’s the matter?

    Passenger: Oh, shoot! Oh, shoot! I forgot the wedding ring, and I know just where I left it, too, it’s on my dresser!

    Cabdriver: Hang on, we’ll go back and get it.

    Passenger: You don’t mind?

    Cabdriver: Ah, no problem. [ starts the cab ]

    Passenger: You think we’ll make it?

    Cabdriver: Relax! I know a shortcut!

    [ the cab speeds off onto the highways once again ] [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: World’s Meanest Methodist Minister


    Reverend Dwight Henderson: World’s Meanest Methodist Minister

    Reverend Dwight Henderson…..John Lithgow
    Secretary…..Nora Dunn
    Paul…..Kevin Nealon
    Barbara…..Victoria Jackson
    Janet…..Jan Hooks
    Marvin Hill…..Dana Carvey


    Announcer: It’s time for another episode of “Reverend DwightHenderson: World’s Meanest Methodist Minister”.

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ dictating a letter to his Secretary ] “My Dear Mrs. Randall: Regarding your invitation for Easter dinner – in someithng akin to a nightmare, I imagine myself seated with you and your.. grotesque family, suffering through an evening of what passes for conversation in your household. And the horror of that image compels me to shun your home, Madam, as I would some kind of dread skin disease.” Mmm.. “Yours, with best wishes for this holiday season.. blah, blah, blah.. Reverend Dwight Henderson.” Oh, and uh.. “P.S. Enjoy your turkey and Cheese Whiz.”

    Secretary: I’ll get this in the mail today, Reverend.

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ sighing ] Oh, Rose.. I’m sodesperately tired. Why don’t we call it a day?

    Secretary: But, Reverend, it isn’t noon yet, and there’s some people waiting to see you, they’ve been waiting all morning.

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: Honestly, can there be a job on earth more difficult than mine? Show them in.

    Secretary: [ goes to the door and lets a couple enter the Reverend’s office ] Uh, Reverend, these are the Marchinsons – Paul and Barbara.

    Barbara: Morning, Reverend.

    Paul: Morning, Reverend.

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ not interested in the formalities ] Yes, yes.. you have a problem of some kind?

    Paul: Uh, yes, Reverend.. [ fidgety ] Barbara and I were, weremarried.. uh.. two years ago.. uh.. and lately.. lately..

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: Please. Get on with it.

    Barbara: Uh, Reverend, our marriage has notbeen going on too well lately.. and before we went into a professional counselor, we thought we would ask you for your advice.

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: Madam, as a minister of the gospel, of course I recognize the importance of the institution of holy matrimony. At the same time, however, I must tell you that it simply is not a subject which interests me. Next! Next!

    [ the Marchinsons are marched out, as the next member of the congregation is brought in ]

    Secretary: Reverend, this is Janet Whitmeer..

    Janet: Good morning, Reverend!

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: Yes?

    Janet: Uh, Reverend.. I live alone with my mother..

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: Yes?

    Janet: And, uh.. she’s an invalid, and during the day I have to leave to go to work..

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ annoyed ] I trust this isleading somewhere..?

    Janet: Well.. Reverend, she has a heart condition, and I worry if something should happen.. [ Reverend Henderson mimes playing the violin in sarcasm ] ..while I’m not there. And so I was wondering if perhaps someone from the parish could just drop by and check up on her from time to time?

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ mocking ] Someone? Don’t you mean “Reverend Henderson”? Sure, why spend money on a nurse. We’ll get Reverend Henderson to do it for free! Sure! He’s happy to spend his days running all over town entertaining all our local shut-ins! He’s got nothing better to do!

    Janet: [ aghast ] Reverend, I didn’t mean you.. I.. I..

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ upset ] Oh, away with you!

    [ Janet is pushed outside, and the next member of the congregation enters ]

    Secretary: Marvin Hill.

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ perturbed ] Yes..

    Marvin Hill: [ carrying Easter basket ] Good morning, Reverend. I’m not here on account of any problem.. although, things haven’t been going too well for us since I got laid off. But I just came by to wish you a Happy Easter, and to drop off this Easter basket that the wife made..

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ miffed at the annoying gesture ]Puh-leeeeze!

    Marvin Hill: ..and to say hello from Joan and myself.. well, actually, Joan.. uh..

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ waves him off ] Dismissed! [ walks away ]

    Marvin Hill: Thank you. Thanks a lot. Thank you. [ exits ]

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ back at his desk ] Rose, you know it’s been a few weeks since we’ve gone over the accounts for the Sundaycollections.

    Secretary: Well, Reverend, there really hasn’t been much to count.

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: I see. Well, how much was turned in?

    Secretary: Well, actually, Reverend, nothing was turned in. As a matter of fact, nothing has been turned in for the last three Sundays. I think it may be part of an organized protest.

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ shocked and disturbed ] I’m afraidyou’ve lost me! A protest against what?

    Secretary: Reverend Henderson, forgive my bluntness, but you should be aware that you are not liked by some members of the parish.

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: Well, of course. They’re cattle!

    Secretary: Well, Reverend, the fact is that a great many people find your tone sort of off-putting. The Methodists in this community are used to a more conventional style ministry.. you know, someone who’s a lot more polite, and not such a.. butthole.

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ takes it in ] I see. Tell me, Rose.. why do you work for me? You know, I don’t pay you.

    Secretary: Because.. [ pause ] I love you!

    Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ absorbs the sudden information ]Puh-leeeeze! Spare me!

    Announcer: This has been another episode of “Reverend DwightHenderson: World’s Meanest Methodist Minister”.

    SNL Transcripts

    John Lithgow’s Monologue


    John Lithgow’s Monologue

    …..John Lithgow


    John Lithgow: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much! I’m really delighted to be back on “Saturday Night Live” this year, I really am! And, besides, this time I have a kind of special reason to be pleased.

    I just found out, every year, “Saturday Night Live” chooses just one single broadcast to the University of Maryland School of Communications for their consideration for the prestigious Robert Benchley Award for television humanity. And this is so great! I probably shouldn’t be telling you this.. but after a really great dress rehearsal, the producer came into my dressing room, a big smile on his face, and he said, “John, this is it. I think we got the Benchley winner!” [ nervous ] I’m so flattered! And I’m so moved! I mean, of all the shows they’ve done so far this year, he picks.. mine! I mean, what a responsibility. Frankly, I’m a little scared. Not only do we have to do a great show, but.. a perfect show.. we’ve worked so hard this week, I just know it’s gonna pay off!

    [ suddenly, the boom mike appears just to the right of John’s head ] [ worried ] Is that the boom? Uh.. uh.. was the boom in that shot? Did they see the boom at home? [ pause ] Well, that’s great! Terrific! So much for perfection. [ fumed ] Well, there goes the award-winning John Lithgow show. I guess dress rehearsal was just an accodent for some of us! Thank you, audio people! Thank you so much! [ angry ] Oh, what’s the use of going on!

    Director’s Voice: John.. John.. I think you’re overreacting.

    John Lithgow: Oh, fine! Fine! I’m overreacting! Let’s blame the whole thing on John! He’ll be gone tomorrow! It’s John’s fault we lost the coveted Benchley Award! Well, let me tell you something, Bucko! I on’t need Benchley’s puny ltitle award! [ starts to break down ] Oh.. oh, God.. I knew it.. I knew it.. I’m having an anxiety attack.. Does anyone have a paper bag..?

    [ Director Joe Disco hands John a paper bag, which he immediately begins to breathe into rapidly ]

    It’s okay.. I’ve done this before.. [ catches his breath ] I’m okay. I-I’m.. better. Anyway.. stick around. We’ve got a great show.. [ awkward pause ] Flawed, but great. A good show. It’s not an award show, but you might like it. Anita Baker is here, anyway.

    SNL Transcripts