Easy Rider


Easy Rider

Billy…..Dennis Hopper
Doctor…..Jon Lovitz
Wyatt…..Dana Carvey
George Hanson…..Phil Hartman


[ open on edited ending footage of “Easy Rider”, as Billy and Wyatt are shot off their motorcycles by a pair of redneck in a beat-up farm truck ] [ dissolve to exterior, Mercer Parish Medical Clinic ] [ SUPER: “Later That Day” ] [ Billy and Wyatt exit the clinic covered in bandages, with Doctor close behind them ]

Doctor: How do those bandages feel?

Billy: Hey, man. They feel kind of tight, man.

Wyatt: Yeah. When can we take them off, man?

Doctor: Now, you just let those bandages be. You boys are lucky to be alive! What the hell did you say to ol’ Curtis, anyway, to make him so mad?

Billy: Hey, nothing, man! Like, he pulled up next to me, man. He said, “Why don’tcha get a haircut, man!” Like, you know? And he shot me!

Wyatt: Yeah. Me, too, man.

Doctor: Well.. these things will happen. Here, if you have any pain, here’s some pain pills for you.

Wyatt: [ moaning ] Oh, man.. I don’t need these, man. You can get strung out on these things, man..

Billy: [ slyly ] Yeeeeaaahhh. I’d better keep these.

[ suddenly, George Hanson, now more than ever a caricature of Jack Nicholson, ambles into the scene ]

George Hanson: There you guys are!

Billy and Wyatt: George!!

George Hanson: Why’d you go off and leave me like that, man!

Billy: George, man, I thought you were dead, man!

Wyatt: Yeah, man.

George Hanson: Nah.. just a bad hangover. I felt like I’d been whopped on the head with an ax handle. [ holds up bottle ] This stuff’ll ruin ya!

Billy: Yeah, man. I’ll take that. [ opens bottle ]

Wyatt: Hey, how’d ya get here, anyway, man?

George Hanson: Oh. I thumbed a ride from these two guys in a pick-up truck. They seemed like pretty nice fella, actually..

Wyatt: Well, I guess we’ll be moving on, Doc.

Billy: Yeah, now, uh.. which way, man? Like, give me the directions again to the barber shop, man.

Doctor: [ pointing ] Alright, now.. you just go straight down this road, for about eight miles. It’s right there.

Wyatt: Hey,sn’t there a closer way to go, man?

Doctor: No, that’s the closest one.

Billy: Okay, you ready, George, man?

[ hops onto the back of Wyatt’s motorcycle ]

George Hanson: Roger, Wilco!

Billy: Alright, buddy.

George Hanson: Maybe we should vacate these environs and motor north to Gotham!

Doctor: Get the razor cut – it’s worth it!

[ the three hippies start their bikes and exit the scene ] [ pan to the motorcycles in motion, as the scenery zips past them, George waving his arms like in the “If You Wanna Be A Bird” sequence ] [ Music Over: “Born To Be Wild” ]

Billy: George! Look!

[ Billy climbs on his bike and raises one leg in the air, causing George to laugh at his shenanigans ]

Wyatt: Alright, man!

Billy: Watch this one!

[ Billy grabs his handlebars tightly, then swings both legs in the air behind him, letting the wind keep his body flapping horizontally ]

Billy: Whoa!

George Hanson: Yeah!

Billy: You ready? Hey!

[ Billy jumps off his motorcycle and races beside it until he finally decides to jump back onboard ]

Billy: “Live, from New York, man.. it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

Transatlantic Cab Ride


Transatlantic Cab Ride

Passenger…..Jon Lovitz
Cabdriver…..John Lithgow
Cop…..Phil Hartman


[ open on Cabdriver reading the paper as Passenger enters his cab ]

Passenger: Hi. City Hall, please, as fast as you can.

Cabdriver: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Passenger: I’m getting married in nine minutes.

Cabdriver: You know, you could walk it. It’s just down the block.

Passenger: No, it’s City Hall San Francisco.

Cabdriver: San Francisco, California? That’s 3,000 miles away!

Passenger: [ desperate ] I know, I know.. I’ve been at the airport all night, it’s fogged in.

Cabdriver: Hey, pal, I sympathize with you.. but coast to coast in nine minutes, I don’t know..

Passenger: There’s an extra twenty in it for you.

Cabdriver: [ sighs ] Hang on.. [ starts the cab ] I could cut across Canal. It’s a little out the way, but there might be less traffic.

Passenger: Okay, okay, try it.

[ Cabdriver speeds out into traffic, the scenery whizzing by faster than possible ]

Cabdriver: Ahh.. that’s more like it!

Passenger: Hey, seven minutes left. Come on, can’t you go any faster?

Cabdriver: Hey, pal, we’re doing 950 miles an hour now! See? We’re in Cincinnati already!

Passenger: Hey, I heard it’s gonna rain in Cincinnati.

[ long shot of cab toy is seen with rain pouring over it ] [ back to cab interior ]

Cabdriver: Yeah. Yeah, right you are. [ yelling ] Hey, look out! Get outta the way! [ turns to Passenger ] Hey. Toll booth coming up – you got a quarter? Come on! [ throws the quarters out the window ] There’s another one! Hurry up! Here’s another one! Come on, here’s another! Hurry up! Come on! you help me too, huh! [ they both throw quarters out the window ]

Passenger: [ checking his watch ] Six minutes left. Come on! Karen’s gonna kill me. Go! Go!

Cabdriver: We’ll make it! We’ll make it! Look! We’re already in Indiana!

Passenger: How can you tell?

Cabdriver: We’re hitting bigger animals!

[ a cow flies across the hood of the cab ]

Passenger: Whoa!

Cabdriver: Hey! Come on, let’s see what’s on the radio!

[ radio station call letters are announced, but at various cities as they whiz past too quickly to pick up any one station for too long ] [ siren can be heard from behind the cab ]

Cabdriver: Uh-oh. Cops! [ slows down ] Lemme do the talking. [ turns to the Cop standing outside ] Is there a problem, Officer?

Cop: A problem? Yeah, I’d say you gota problem! I just clocked you at 965 miles an hour!

Cabdriver: [ dumbfounded ] 965! That can’t be right, everybody was paaing us!

Cop: Don’t give me that! You melted my radar gun! [ holds it up ]

Cabdriver: Oh. My speedometer must be broken! It said 55, I swear..

Cop: [ not buying it ] Oh, yeah, right..

Passenger: Hey, Officer, it’s my fault. I’m late for my marriage.

Cop: Well, why didn’t you just say so? I-I-I almost missed my wedding, too. Alright, I’ll let you off with a warning this time. But keep it under 600 before you get out of Colorado!

Cabdriver: Yes, sir!

Cop: Alright, go!

[ Cabdriver takes off again ]

Passenger: Hey, nice guy.

Cabdriver: Ah, most cops are pretty good guys when you get down to it.

Passenger: Hey, do you think we’ll make it?

Cabdriver: Ah, sure, we’re almost there now. Here come the Rockies.

[ long shot of cab toy is seen with snow falling on it ] [ back to cab interior ]

Cabdriver: Yep, there go the Rockies. Interstate 12! Ahh.. [ slows down ] Here we are! City Hall! With time to spare! [ stops ] That’s $1,310 on the meter.

Passenger: [ pays ] Here.

Cabdriver: [ fans the wad of bills to make sure ] That’s right. And you said something about a twenty?

Passenger: Oh, alright. [ pays it ] Hey, I really appreciate it.

Cabdriver: Ah, don’t mention it. I ws heading across town, anyway.

Passenger: [ panics upon reaching into his pocket ] Oh, shoot!

Cabdriver: What’s the matter?

Passenger: Oh, shoot! Oh, shoot! I forgot the wedding ring, and I know just where I left it, too, it’s on my dresser!

Cabdriver: Hang on, we’ll go back and get it.

Passenger: You don’t mind?

Cabdriver: Ah, no problem. [ starts the cab ]

Passenger: You think we’ll make it?

Cabdriver: Relax! I know a shortcut!

[ the cab speeds off onto the highways once again ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Reverend Dwight Henderson: World’s Meanest Methodist Minister


Reverend Dwight Henderson: World’s Meanest Methodist Minister

Reverend Dwight Henderson…..John Lithgow
Secretary…..Nora Dunn
Paul…..Kevin Nealon
Barbara…..Victoria Jackson
Janet…..Jan Hooks
Marvin Hill…..Dana Carvey


Announcer: It’s time for another episode of “Reverend DwightHenderson: World’s Meanest Methodist Minister”.

Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ dictating a letter to his Secretary ] “My Dear Mrs. Randall: Regarding your invitation for Easter dinner – in someithng akin to a nightmare, I imagine myself seated with you and your.. grotesque family, suffering through an evening of what passes for conversation in your household. And the horror of that image compels me to shun your home, Madam, as I would some kind of dread skin disease.” Mmm.. “Yours, with best wishes for this holiday season.. blah, blah, blah.. Reverend Dwight Henderson.” Oh, and uh.. “P.S. Enjoy your turkey and Cheese Whiz.”

Secretary: I’ll get this in the mail today, Reverend.

Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ sighing ] Oh, Rose.. I’m sodesperately tired. Why don’t we call it a day?

Secretary: But, Reverend, it isn’t noon yet, and there’s some people waiting to see you, they’ve been waiting all morning.

Reverend Dwight Henderson: Honestly, can there be a job on earth more difficult than mine? Show them in.

Secretary: [ goes to the door and lets a couple enter the Reverend’s office ] Uh, Reverend, these are the Marchinsons – Paul and Barbara.

Barbara: Morning, Reverend.

Paul: Morning, Reverend.

Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ not interested in the formalities ] Yes, yes.. you have a problem of some kind?

Paul: Uh, yes, Reverend.. [ fidgety ] Barbara and I were, weremarried.. uh.. two years ago.. uh.. and lately.. lately..

Reverend Dwight Henderson: Please. Get on with it.

Barbara: Uh, Reverend, our marriage has notbeen going on too well lately.. and before we went into a professional counselor, we thought we would ask you for your advice.

Reverend Dwight Henderson: Madam, as a minister of the gospel, of course I recognize the importance of the institution of holy matrimony. At the same time, however, I must tell you that it simply is not a subject which interests me. Next! Next!

[ the Marchinsons are marched out, as the next member of the congregation is brought in ]

Secretary: Reverend, this is Janet Whitmeer..

Janet: Good morning, Reverend!

Reverend Dwight Henderson: Yes?

Janet: Uh, Reverend.. I live alone with my mother..

Reverend Dwight Henderson: Yes?

Janet: And, uh.. she’s an invalid, and during the day I have to leave to go to work..

Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ annoyed ] I trust this isleading somewhere..?

Janet: Well.. Reverend, she has a heart condition, and I worry if something should happen.. [ Reverend Henderson mimes playing the violin in sarcasm ] ..while I’m not there. And so I was wondering if perhaps someone from the parish could just drop by and check up on her from time to time?

Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ mocking ] Someone? Don’t you mean “Reverend Henderson”? Sure, why spend money on a nurse. We’ll get Reverend Henderson to do it for free! Sure! He’s happy to spend his days running all over town entertaining all our local shut-ins! He’s got nothing better to do!

Janet: [ aghast ] Reverend, I didn’t mean you.. I.. I..

Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ upset ] Oh, away with you!

[ Janet is pushed outside, and the next member of the congregation enters ]

Secretary: Marvin Hill.

Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ perturbed ] Yes..

Marvin Hill: [ carrying Easter basket ] Good morning, Reverend. I’m not here on account of any problem.. although, things haven’t been going too well for us since I got laid off. But I just came by to wish you a Happy Easter, and to drop off this Easter basket that the wife made..

Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ miffed at the annoying gesture ]Puh-leeeeze!

Marvin Hill: ..and to say hello from Joan and myself.. well, actually, Joan.. uh..

Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ waves him off ] Dismissed! [ walks away ]

Marvin Hill: Thank you. Thanks a lot. Thank you. [ exits ]

Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ back at his desk ] Rose, you know it’s been a few weeks since we’ve gone over the accounts for the Sundaycollections.

Secretary: Well, Reverend, there really hasn’t been much to count.

Reverend Dwight Henderson: I see. Well, how much was turned in?

Secretary: Well, actually, Reverend, nothing was turned in. As a matter of fact, nothing has been turned in for the last three Sundays. I think it may be part of an organized protest.

Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ shocked and disturbed ] I’m afraidyou’ve lost me! A protest against what?

Secretary: Reverend Henderson, forgive my bluntness, but you should be aware that you are not liked by some members of the parish.

Reverend Dwight Henderson: Well, of course. They’re cattle!

Secretary: Well, Reverend, the fact is that a great many people find your tone sort of off-putting. The Methodists in this community are used to a more conventional style ministry.. you know, someone who’s a lot more polite, and not such a.. butthole.

Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ takes it in ] I see. Tell me, Rose.. why do you work for me? You know, I don’t pay you.

Secretary: Because.. [ pause ] I love you!

Reverend Dwight Henderson: [ absorbs the sudden information ]Puh-leeeeze! Spare me!

Announcer: This has been another episode of “Reverend DwightHenderson: World’s Meanest Methodist Minister”.

SNL Transcripts

John Lithgow’s Monologue


John Lithgow’s Monologue

…..John Lithgow


John Lithgow: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much! I’m really delighted to be back on “Saturday Night Live” this year, I really am! And, besides, this time I have a kind of special reason to be pleased.

I just found out, every year, “Saturday Night Live” chooses just one single broadcast to the University of Maryland School of Communications for their consideration for the prestigious Robert Benchley Award for television humanity. And this is so great! I probably shouldn’t be telling you this.. but after a really great dress rehearsal, the producer came into my dressing room, a big smile on his face, and he said, “John, this is it. I think we got the Benchley winner!” [ nervous ] I’m so flattered! And I’m so moved! I mean, of all the shows they’ve done so far this year, he picks.. mine! I mean, what a responsibility. Frankly, I’m a little scared. Not only do we have to do a great show, but.. a perfect show.. we’ve worked so hard this week, I just know it’s gonna pay off!

[ suddenly, the boom mike appears just to the right of John’s head ] [ worried ] Is that the boom? Uh.. uh.. was the boom in that shot? Did they see the boom at home? [ pause ] Well, that’s great! Terrific! So much for perfection. [ fumed ] Well, there goes the award-winning John Lithgow show. I guess dress rehearsal was just an accodent for some of us! Thank you, audio people! Thank you so much! [ angry ] Oh, what’s the use of going on!

Director’s Voice: John.. John.. I think you’re overreacting.

John Lithgow: Oh, fine! Fine! I’m overreacting! Let’s blame the whole thing on John! He’ll be gone tomorrow! It’s John’s fault we lost the coveted Benchley Award! Well, let me tell you something, Bucko! I on’t need Benchley’s puny ltitle award! [ starts to break down ] Oh.. oh, God.. I knew it.. I knew it.. I’m having an anxiety attack.. Does anyone have a paper bag..?

[ Director Joe Disco hands John a paper bag, which he immediately begins to breathe into rapidly ]

It’s okay.. I’ve done this before.. [ catches his breath ] I’m okay. I-I’m.. better. Anyway.. stick around. We’ve got a great show.. [ awkward pause ] Flawed, but great. A good show. It’s not an award show, but you might like it. Anita Baker is here, anyway.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: John Larroquette: 04/18/87


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

April 18th, 1987

John Larroquette

Timbuk 3

None

Timbuk 3, “Hairstyles & Attitudes”

  • Pagan Easter Special

    Recurring Characters: Casey Kasem,

  • John Larroquette’s Monologue

  • Sold Out Gold

  • Brawl With Mother-in-Law

  • Homicide Detective

  • Instant Coffee

  • Timbuk 3 performs “Just Another Movie”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

    Recurring Characters: Robin Leach, Babette,

  • Heaven’s Database

  • Showbiz Agents

  • Timbuk 3 performs “Hairstyles & Attitudes”

  • Mystery Grab Bags

    SNL Transcripts

  • Heaven’s Database


    Heaven’s Database

    Deceased…..JohnLarroquette
    Angel…..Dana Carvey


    [ open on close-up of Deceased’s face, as he reflects on his death ]

    Deceased: So, suddenly I was looking down at my own body, lying there on the stretcher. And there was no pain, no fear, only peace. And I began to float through a dark tunnel, toward a dazzling light. And I distinctly heard one of the doctors say, “Turn off the respirator, we’ve lost him.”

    [ screen widens to reveal the Deceased sitting next to an Angel in Heaven ]

    Angel: Yeah.. well.. doctors can’t always be wrong, huh?

    Deceased: So, I guess the idea is, I’m dead, huh?

    Angel: Yeah. Uh-huh.

    Deceased: O-kay.. How’d it happen?

    Angel: Well.. it actually started with some rough-housing.

    Deceased: No.

    Angel: Yep. You were playing football in the house, and you fell down and broke your neck.

    Deceased: [ intrigued ] I actually broke my neck rough-housing? My mom was right! [ grins ] So, you’re obviously a saint?

    Angel: Yeah.. yeah.

    Deceased: Which one?

    Angel: Uh.. you wouldn’t have heard of me..

    Deceased: No, really! Come on, which one?

    Angel: [ sighs ] Saint Cornelius. See, I told you.

    Deceased: So, you know everything about me, my whole life, right?

    Angel: Yeah.

    Deceased: Whoa! Uh.. what was the biggest mistake I ever made?

    Angel: Well.. you left the church..

    Deceased: No, no.. I meant, like, in earthly terms.

    Angel: Oh. Um.. well, one time you were walking on the beach in Bermuda, and you walked right over a treasure chest. You would have only had to have dug, maybe four of five inches, it would have been worth $40 million.

    Deceased: [ disappointed ] Aw, really?!

    Angel: Hey, hey, relax.. it’s over! It doesn’t matter up here.

    Deceased: Alright. Just out of curiosity, what career was I really suited for? I know it wasn’t selling copiers.

    Angel: Well, uh.. believe it or not, you were ideally suited to be the President of the United States.

    Deceased: [ aghast ] Oh, no, you’re kidding! Me, the President! [ laughs ] I really screwed up!

    Angel: Hey, hey, don’t worry about it, it’s no big deal. Don’t worry.

    Deceased: Okay. Tell me this: which of the girls I knew secretly had a crush on me?

    Angel: Well.. there was Denise Baker..

    Deceased: Oh, yeah?

    Angel: ..Patty Patronik..

    Deceased: Oh, right..

    Angel: .. and, uh.. Stephanie Zimmer.

    Deceased: Oh. Uh-huh. No one else?

    Angel: No.

    Deceased: Well. Let’s see.. what’s the grossest thing I ever ate?

    Angel: You don’t want to know.

    Deceased: Oh. Okay. What about the 200th grossest thing?

    Angel: Okay.. that would be some butterscotch pudding that had a dead earwig in it.

    Deceased: [ grimaces ] Oh, gross! You mean I never tasted it!

    Angel: Well, you made this very funny face.. but you were watching a football game on TV at the time..

    Deceased: This is so wild! So, you know everything? Alright.. alright.. who would have won between Secreatariat and Man-Of-War?

    Angel: Man-Of-War.

    Deceased: Hmm.. really? What kind of sit-ups are better – bent-knee, or straight-knee?

    Angel: Straight.

    Deceased: I knew it! That gym teacher was such an idiot!

    Angel: Yeah.. he was.

    Deceased: Okay.. okay.. which one’s better: Beatles or Stones?

    Angel: Beatles.

    Deceased: Ah-ha! Dogs or cats?

    Angel: Dogs.

    Deceased: Smooth or chunky?

    Angel: Chunky.

    Deceased: Huh? [ thinking ] Okay, okay, I got one! Which one wins: the irresistable force, or the immovable object?

    Angel: The irresistable force.

    Deceased: Huh.. interesting. Okay. Of the following people, which ,if any, are still alive: Elvis, Jim Morrison, Jimmy Hoffa, Andy Kaufman, or Hitler.

    Angel: Uh.. that’d be Jim Morrison and Hitler.

    Deceased: [ shocked ] Hitler?!

    Angel: Hey, don’t worry. We’re really gonna nail him.

    Deceased: Boy.. this is so weird! I don’t even know what to ask.. okay – Bruce Willis. I mean, that guy, he had to make a deal with the devil, right?

    Angel: Yeah.

    Deceased: I knew it! I knew it! Okay, who else? Sugar Ray Leonard?

    Angel: Yeah.

    Deceased: Yeah! Who else?

    Angel: Oh, there’s so many..

    Deceased: Alright.. alright.. Hey! What is the one thing that would surprise me the most if I knew it?

    Angel: [ laughs ] You couldn’t handle it.

    Deceased: Alright, okay, okay.. How about the 368th most surprising fact?

    Angel: Professional wrestling is real.

    Deceased: [ surprised ] What’s the weirdest thing that causes cancer?

    Angel: Uh.. looking at goldfish.

    Deceased: Whoa-oa! Why did they change the formula for Coke?

    Angel: [ dramatic pause ] No one knows.

    Deceased: Hmm.. What happened to that $50 bill I lost at graduation?

    Angel: You didn’t lose it – your uncle stole it.

    Deceased: Wha..? [ laughs ] This is the greatest thing that ever happened! I love this!

    Angel: Well, good, I’m glad! Hey, come on, let’s go, I want to show you around..

    Deceased: Hey, wait, I gotta know one thing: does God have a favorite religion?

    Angel: Yes.

    Deceased: Which one?

    Angel: Lutheran.

    Deceased: Huh!

    [ they exit to fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Sold-Out Gold

    Sold-Out Gold

    Daughter…..Victoria Jackson
    Father…..Kevin Nealon
    David Crosby…..Jon Lovitz


    [ open on Father and Daughter dancing to “Good Vibrations” by the Beach Boys ]

    Daughter: Wow, Dad, that’s the Sunkist Song!

    Father: No, Jennifer, it’s the Beach Boys. I grew up listening to this music!

    Daughter: Wow, Dad! You’re cooler than I thought!

    Father: You mean now, there’s music we both can enjoy?

    [ cut to David Crosby in a recording studio ]

    David Crosby: There sure is, man! Hi, I’m David Crosby. Hey, did you know that many of today’s best-loved commercial jingles are actually based on classics from the sixties? Cause they are, man. Now all this great music is available on one collection… [ holds up record SOLD OUT GOLD ] Sold Out Gold! You’ll get great hits like Orange Vibrations.

    [ SUPER: “SUNKIST VIBRATIONS – The Beach Boys”, to the tune of “GoodVibrations” ]

    “I’m picking up orange vibrations,
    Sunkist Orange Soda taste sensations..

    David Crosby: Or the Nike Song!

    [ SUPER: “THE NIKE SONG – The Beatles”, to the tune of “Revolution” ]

    “There’s got to be a revolution
    Well, you know…

    David Crosby: And if you order now, man, we’ll sell you this additional album.. [ holds up record SOLD OUT BRONZE ] ..Sold Out Bronze! 20 never-before-aired commercials, including this one from Time Magazine.

    [ SUPER: “IN-A-TIME-MAGAZINE – Iron Butterfly”, to the tune of”In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida” ]

    “In a Time magazine, now baby
    It’s got all the news, if you care.

    David Crosby: Or this Doors tune for General Electric!
    [ SUPER: “GENERAL ELECTRIC – The Doors”, to the tune of “People Are Strange” ]

    “Self-cleaning oven,
    Digital timer,
    Chicken is tasty
    When broiled in my range
    G.E. range,
    Pastries come out all the same,
    G.E. range..

    David Crosby: And White Shirt!

    [ SUPER: “WHITE SHIRT – Jefferson Airplane”, to the tune of “White Rabbit” ]

    “One shirt makes you formal,
    And one shirt has short sleeves,
    Ask Arrow
    For your shirt needs.

    [ Shown: a picture of the Rolling Stones and a box of Eggo Waffles ]

    “Hey you, leggo my eggo!
    Hey you, leggo my eggo!
    Hey you, leggo my eggo!

    David Crosby: Plus, these other Sold-Out Bronze classics!

    [ Titles scroll:

    “TALKING ABOUT (MY KEN-L-RATION) – The Who”
    “(HEY YOU) LEGGO MY EGGO – The Rolling Stones”
    “THE WIND CRIES SHASTA – Jimi Hendrix”
    “INCENSE AND FEENA-MINTS – Strawberry Alarm Clock”
    “JEEP CHEROKEE PEOPLE – Paul Revere and the Raiders”
    “WHERE HAVE ALL THE PRINGLES GONE? – Peter, Paul, & Mary” ]

    David Crosby: [ holding both albums] I’ve listened to these albums over 300 times, man! Now you can too by ordering today. Here’s how, man:

    (bugs his eyes)

    Send $19.69 to:
    SOLD-OUT GOLD
    P.O. Box 1965
    Silver Springs, IN, 01965

    Or call 1-800-SIX-TIES, yeah.

    [ cut back to father and daughter dancing to the tune of “We Gotta GetOut of This Place” ]

    “We gotta get out of this place
    And take a trip to the Poconos.
    We gotta get out of this place..

    [ fade to black ]

    Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Mark Harmon: 05/09/87


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    May 9th, 1987

    Mark Harmon

    Suzanne Vega

    None

    Suzanne Vega, “Marlene On The Wall”

  • The New Charlie’s Angels

  • Mark Harmon’s Monologue

    Recurring Characters: Peter Graves, Pat Stevens.

  • Very Smart Theatre

  • Iran Contra Hearings

  • Einstein Express

  • Suzanne Vega performs “Luka”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • Salmon

  • “Dave’s Party”

  • Mark Harmon, the Perfect Spokesman

  • Ching Change

    Recurring Characters: Ching Change.

  • Suzanne Vega performs “Marlene On The Wall”

  • Myowling Bible

  • Novice Sketch Artist

    SNL Transcripts

  • The New Charlie’s Angels


    The New Charlie’s Angels

    Donna Rice…..Nora Dunn
    Jessica Hahn…..Jan Hooks
    Fawn Hall…..Victoria Jackson
    John Bosley…..Jon Lovitz
    Ted Kennedy…..Phil Hartman
    Chase Steele…..Mark Harmon


    Announcer: This is the story of three beautiful girls. Jessica.. [ shows Jessica Hahn – SUPER: “Starring Jessica Hahn ] ..Fawn.. [ shows Fawn Hall – SUPER: “Starring Fawn Hall” ] ..and Donna.. [ shows Donna Rice – SUPER: “Starring Donna Rice ]. They were stuck in run-of-the-mill jobs. Church secretary.. [ Jessica Hahn runs from a church ] ..former part-time model turned government secretary.. [ Fawn Hall runs past the White House ] ..and struggling young actress/model [ Donna Rice stands in front of boat yard, later joined by Jessica Hahn and Fawn Hall ]. But all of that changed when they became “The New Charlie’s Angels”. [ shows them in silhoette, explosion behind them ] [ cut to Office, John Bosley at desk, Fawn and Donna on the couch. Jessica enters ]

    Jessica Hahn: Hi, angels!

    Fawn Hall and Donna Rice: Hi!

    Jessica Hahn: So, I heard there was a parallel. [ sits on John Bosley’s desk ] What’s up, Bos?

    John Bosley: Well angels, Charlie called a meeting. [ To Donna ] By the way, Donna, congratulations on Operation Hart Failure.

    Donna Rice: Well, thanks Bos, but the funny thing is he never laid a finger on me. Even on the boat trip he just wanted to talk about the issues.

    John Bosley: Well, it doesn’t matter. [ goes to bulletin board with pictures of presidential front runners ] Goodbye, Gary! [ crosses out Gary Hart’s picture ] By the way, Jessica..

    Jessica Hahn: What?

    John Bosley: You played the press like a violin.

    Jessica Hahn: Oh, I know, but Jim Bakker was sooo disgusting, ewwww. I drank my own wine.

    John Bosley: Well, I don’t think we need to worry about a televangelist president. Goodbye, Pat Robertson! [ crosses out Pat Robertson’s picture ]

    Fawn Hall: Bosley, I’m bored. When do I get to testify in that big room?

    John Bosley: Relax, Fawn. Your body kept the Iran scam issue on all the papers. Yes sir, Bush is history! [ crosses out George Bush’s picture ]

    Jessica Hahn: But Bos, doesn’t the public suspect anything?

    John Bosley: No way. The public just thinks they’re a string ofunrelated events. Meanwhile, you’ve knocked out three of the frontrunners. I know Charlie will be very happy about that. [ goes to the phone ] Isn’t that right, Charlie?

    Ted Kennedy: [ on the phone in his office, while a woman pours him beer ] Oh that’s for sure. I can’t imagine three more glamouous salvagers than Fawn, Donna, and Jessica.

    John Bosley: Well project Phoenix is right on schedule, Charlie.

    Ted Kennedy: Yes, now let’s proceed toward our target, the national convention in Atlanta.

    Jessica Hahn: Hey Charlie, why did I have to do that thing with Muskie?

    Angels: Ewww!

    Jessica Hahn: And he wasn’t even running!

    Angels: Ewww!

    Ted Kennedy: Well, my apologies, Jessica. That was just a clerical error.

    Jessica Hahn: Oh.

    Ted Kennedy: [ woman in office is now massaging him ] Now, angels, if I may direct your attention to the center court area. [ Chase Steele enters through the doorway ] Say hello to our newest angel, Chase Steele.

    Jessica Hahn: Ooh la laa!

    [ Jessica, Fawn, and Donna go to Chase ]

    Ted Kennedy: Chase, you’ll be relieved to hear I’m taking you off Jack Kemp. Now how about a progress report on Operation Pineapple?

    Chase Steele: Well, Senator Dole’s a pretty straight arrow. So I’m going after his wife, Secretary of Transportation. I have a hunch she’ll not mind if I inspect her cargo. [ kisses Jessica, as Donna and Fawn giggle ]

    Ted Kennedy: All right, but be careful. In my experience, Republican women are harder to open than a liquor store in Nebraska.

    Chase Steele: Charlie, you want Liz Dole, you got her. Just get the reporters there. Twenty minutes alone with me on the New Jersey turnpike, she’ll be underneath the bridge with her dress on up over her head, screaming, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

    Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

    SNL Transcripts

    Einstein Express

    Einstein Express

    Mr. Edwards…Jon Lovitz
    Harry Butterworth…Phil Hartman
    Einstein Express Clerk…Jan Hooks
    Customer…Kevin Nealon


    [ Open on Mr. Edwards in his office, answering phone call from his boss, Harry Butterworth ]

    Mr. Edwards: Hello?

    Harry Butterworth: Edwards, where’s that report?

    Mr. Edwards: Report?

    Harry Butterworth: It was supposed to be here last week!

    Mr. Edwards: Uhh…

    Harry Butterworth: You’re fired! [ slams down his phone ]

    [ Mr. Edwards, realizing he forgot to send in the report, immediately hangs up and types up the report quickly ]

    Announcer: There are lots of overnight express delivery services – Federal Express, Duralater, Emery. They all do a fine job when you’re racing a deadline. But what do you do if you’ve already missed your deadine? When it’s already too late, it’s time to call us. Einstein Express.

    [ logo appears on screen ]

    [ Mr. Edwards is seen at Einstein Express office, standing in Clerk’s line ]

    Clerk: Hello. [ weighs package ] Two pounds. And when does it have to be there?

    Mr. Edwards: [ nervous ] Uh.. three days ago?

    Clerk: [ checks calendar ] Okay, that’s last Friday.

    Announcer: Using a patented superconductor matrix, coupled with Einstein’s theory of space-time continum, we can transport any document or package up to ten pounds into the past.

    [ clerk puts package in time machine, sets it to three days ago, sending it into the past. Mr Edwards is amazed. ]

    [ SUPER: “Maxinmum time warp: Six months” ]

    Announcer: Sure, it costs a little more..

    Clerk: That’ll be 57 dollars.

    [ Mr. Edwards hands her the money and leaves ]

    Announcer: But there are times when nothing else will do.

    [ Next Customer comes up, holding a container of birth control pills ]

    Customer: I gotta get these pills to my girlfriend.. four months ago.

    [ back in Harry Butterworth’s office, Harry is talking to Mr. Edwards on the phone ]

    Harry Butterworth: Edwards, I read your report over the weekend. It’s brilliant.. partner!

    [ back in Mr. Edwards’ office, Mr Edwards hangs up, feeling relieved ]

    Announcer: Einstein Express. When it absolutely, positively, has to be there the day before yesterday.

    Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

    SNL Transcripts