SNL Transcripts: John Larroquette: 04/18/87

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

April 18th, 1987

John Larroquette

Timbuk 3


Timbuk 3, “Hairstyles & Attitudes”

  • Pagan Easter Special

    Recurring Characters: Casey Kasem,

  • John Larroquette’s Monologue

  • Sold Out Gold

  • Brawl With Mother-in-Law

  • Homicide Detective

  • Instant Coffee

  • Timbuk 3 performs “Just Another Movie”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

    Recurring Characters: Robin Leach, Babette,

  • Heaven’s Database

  • Showbiz Agents

  • Timbuk 3 performs “Hairstyles & Attitudes”

  • Mystery Grab Bags

    SNL Transcripts

  • Heaven’s Database

    Heaven’s Database

    Angel…..Dana Carvey

    [ open on close-up of Deceased’s face, as he reflects on his death ]

    Deceased: So, suddenly I was looking down at my own body, lying there on the stretcher. And there was no pain, no fear, only peace. And I began to float through a dark tunnel, toward a dazzling light. And I distinctly heard one of the doctors say, “Turn off the respirator, we’ve lost him.”

    [ screen widens to reveal the Deceased sitting next to an Angel in Heaven ]

    Angel: Yeah.. well.. doctors can’t always be wrong, huh?

    Deceased: So, I guess the idea is, I’m dead, huh?

    Angel: Yeah. Uh-huh.

    Deceased: O-kay.. How’d it happen?

    Angel: Well.. it actually started with some rough-housing.

    Deceased: No.

    Angel: Yep. You were playing football in the house, and you fell down and broke your neck.

    Deceased: [ intrigued ] I actually broke my neck rough-housing? My mom was right! [ grins ] So, you’re obviously a saint?

    Angel: Yeah.. yeah.

    Deceased: Which one?

    Angel: Uh.. you wouldn’t have heard of me..

    Deceased: No, really! Come on, which one?

    Angel: [ sighs ] Saint Cornelius. See, I told you.

    Deceased: So, you know everything about me, my whole life, right?

    Angel: Yeah.

    Deceased: Whoa! Uh.. what was the biggest mistake I ever made?

    Angel: Well.. you left the church..

    Deceased: No, no.. I meant, like, in earthly terms.

    Angel: Oh. Um.. well, one time you were walking on the beach in Bermuda, and you walked right over a treasure chest. You would have only had to have dug, maybe four of five inches, it would have been worth $40 million.

    Deceased: [ disappointed ] Aw, really?!

    Angel: Hey, hey, relax.. it’s over! It doesn’t matter up here.

    Deceased: Alright. Just out of curiosity, what career was I really suited for? I know it wasn’t selling copiers.

    Angel: Well, uh.. believe it or not, you were ideally suited to be the President of the United States.

    Deceased: [ aghast ] Oh, no, you’re kidding! Me, the President! [ laughs ] I really screwed up!

    Angel: Hey, hey, don’t worry about it, it’s no big deal. Don’t worry.

    Deceased: Okay. Tell me this: which of the girls I knew secretly had a crush on me?

    Angel: Well.. there was Denise Baker..

    Deceased: Oh, yeah?

    Angel: ..Patty Patronik..

    Deceased: Oh, right..

    Angel: .. and, uh.. Stephanie Zimmer.

    Deceased: Oh. Uh-huh. No one else?

    Angel: No.

    Deceased: Well. Let’s see.. what’s the grossest thing I ever ate?

    Angel: You don’t want to know.

    Deceased: Oh. Okay. What about the 200th grossest thing?

    Angel: Okay.. that would be some butterscotch pudding that had a dead earwig in it.

    Deceased: [ grimaces ] Oh, gross! You mean I never tasted it!

    Angel: Well, you made this very funny face.. but you were watching a football game on TV at the time..

    Deceased: This is so wild! So, you know everything? Alright.. alright.. who would have won between Secreatariat and Man-Of-War?

    Angel: Man-Of-War.

    Deceased: Hmm.. really? What kind of sit-ups are better – bent-knee, or straight-knee?

    Angel: Straight.

    Deceased: I knew it! That gym teacher was such an idiot!

    Angel: Yeah.. he was.

    Deceased: Okay.. okay.. which one’s better: Beatles or Stones?

    Angel: Beatles.

    Deceased: Ah-ha! Dogs or cats?

    Angel: Dogs.

    Deceased: Smooth or chunky?

    Angel: Chunky.

    Deceased: Huh? [ thinking ] Okay, okay, I got one! Which one wins: the irresistable force, or the immovable object?

    Angel: The irresistable force.

    Deceased: Huh.. interesting. Okay. Of the following people, which ,if any, are still alive: Elvis, Jim Morrison, Jimmy Hoffa, Andy Kaufman, or Hitler.

    Angel: Uh.. that’d be Jim Morrison and Hitler.

    Deceased: [ shocked ] Hitler?!

    Angel: Hey, don’t worry. We’re really gonna nail him.

    Deceased: Boy.. this is so weird! I don’t even know what to ask.. okay – Bruce Willis. I mean, that guy, he had to make a deal with the devil, right?

    Angel: Yeah.

    Deceased: I knew it! I knew it! Okay, who else? Sugar Ray Leonard?

    Angel: Yeah.

    Deceased: Yeah! Who else?

    Angel: Oh, there’s so many..

    Deceased: Alright.. alright.. Hey! What is the one thing that would surprise me the most if I knew it?

    Angel: [ laughs ] You couldn’t handle it.

    Deceased: Alright, okay, okay.. How about the 368th most surprising fact?

    Angel: Professional wrestling is real.

    Deceased: [ surprised ] What’s the weirdest thing that causes cancer?

    Angel: Uh.. looking at goldfish.

    Deceased: Whoa-oa! Why did they change the formula for Coke?

    Angel: [ dramatic pause ] No one knows.

    Deceased: Hmm.. What happened to that $50 bill I lost at graduation?

    Angel: You didn’t lose it – your uncle stole it.

    Deceased: Wha..? [ laughs ] This is the greatest thing that ever happened! I love this!

    Angel: Well, good, I’m glad! Hey, come on, let’s go, I want to show you around..

    Deceased: Hey, wait, I gotta know one thing: does God have a favorite religion?

    Angel: Yes.

    Deceased: Which one?

    Angel: Lutheran.

    Deceased: Huh!

    [ they exit to fade ]

    SNL Transcripts