Category: 1986

John Lithgow’s Monologue

…..John Lithgow

John Lithgow: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much! I’m really delighted to be back on “Saturday Night Live” this year, I really am! And, besides, this time I have a kind of special reason to be pleased.

I just found out, every year, “Saturday Night Live” chooses just one single broadcast to the University of Maryland School of Communications for their consideration for the prestigious Robert Benchley Award for television humanity. And this is so great! I probably shouldn’t be telling you this.. but after a really great dress rehearsal, the producer came into my dressing room, a big smile on his face, and he said, “John, this is it. I think we got the Benchley winner!” [ nervous ] I’m so flattered! And I’m so moved! I mean, of all the shows they’ve done so far this year, he picks.. mine! I mean, what a responsibility. Frankly, I’m a little scared. Not only do we have to do a great show, but.. a perfect show.. we’ve worked so hard this week, I just know it’s gonna pay off!

[ suddenly, the boom mike appears just to the right of John’s head ]

[ worried ] Is that the boom? Uh.. uh.. was the boom in that shot? Did they see the boom at home? [ pause ] Well, that’s great! Terrific! So much for perfection. [ fumed ] Well, there goes the award-winning John Lithgow show. I guess dress rehearsal was just an accodent for some of us! Thank you, audio people! Thank you so much! [ angry ] Oh, what’s the use of going on!

Director’s Voice: John.. John.. I think you’re overreacting.

John Lithgow: Oh, fine! Fine! I’m overreacting! Let’s blame the whole thing on John! He’ll be gone tomorrow! It’s John’s fault we lost the coveted Benchley Award! Well, let me tell you something, Bucko! I on’t need Benchley’s puny ltitle award! [ starts to break down ] Oh.. oh, God.. I knew it.. I knew it.. I’m having an anxiety attack.. Does anyone have a paper bag..?

[ Director Joe Disco hands John a paper bag, which he immediately begins to breathe into rapidly ]

It’s okay.. I’ve done this before.. [ catches his breath ] I’m okay. I-I’m.. better. Anyway.. stick around. We’ve got a great show.. [ awkward pause ] Flawed, but great. A good show. It’s not an award show, but you might like it. Anita Baker is here, anyway.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 18th, 1987

John Larroquette

Timbuk 3

None

Timbuk 3, “Hairstyles & Attitudes”

Pagan Easter Special

Recurring Characters: Casey Kasem,

John Larroquette’s Monologue

Sold Out Gold

Brawl With Mother-in-Law

Homicide Detective

Instant Coffee

Timbuk 3 performs “Just Another Movie”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Recurring Characters: Robin Leach, Babette,

Heaven’s Database

Showbiz Agents

Timbuk 3 performs “Hairstyles & Attitudes”

Mystery Grab Bags

SNL Transcripts

Heaven’s Database

Deceased…..JohnLarroquette
Angel…..Dana Carvey

[ open on close-up of Deceased’s face, as he reflects on his death ]

Deceased: So, suddenly I was looking down at my own body, lying there on the stretcher. And there was no pain, no fear, only peace. And I began to float through a dark tunnel, toward a dazzling light. And I distinctly heard one of the doctors say, “Turn off the respirator, we’ve lost him.”

[ screen widens to reveal the Deceased sitting next to an Angel in Heaven ]

Angel: Yeah.. well.. doctors can’t always be wrong, huh?

Deceased: So, I guess the idea is, I’m dead, huh?

Angel: Yeah. Uh-huh.

Deceased: O-kay.. How’d it happen?

Angel: Well.. it actually started with some rough-housing.

Deceased: No.

Angel: Yep. You were playing football in the house, and you fell down and broke your neck.

Deceased: [ intrigued ] I actually broke my neck rough-housing? My mom was right! [ grins ] So, you’re obviously a saint?

Angel: Yeah.. yeah.

Deceased: Which one?

Angel: Uh.. you wouldn’t have heard of me..

Deceased: No, really! Come on, which one?

Angel: [ sighs ] Saint Cornelius. See, I told you.

Deceased: So, you know everything about me, my whole life, right?

Angel: Yeah.

Deceased: Whoa! Uh.. what was the biggest mistake I ever made?

Angel: Well.. you left the church..

Deceased: No, no.. I meant, like, in earthly terms.

Angel: Oh. Um.. well, one time you were walking on the beach in Bermuda, and you walked right over a treasure chest. You would have only had to have dug, maybe four of five inches, it would have been worth $40 million.

Deceased: [ disappointed ] Aw, really?!

Angel: Hey, hey, relax.. it’s over! It doesn’t matter up here.

Deceased: Alright. Just out of curiosity, what career was I really suited for? I know it wasn’t selling copiers.

Angel: Well, uh.. believe it or not, you were ideally suited to be the President of the United States.

Deceased: [ aghast ] Oh, no, you’re kidding! Me, the President! [ laughs ] I really screwed up!

Angel: Hey, hey, don’t worry about it, it’s no big deal. Don’t worry.

Deceased: Okay. Tell me this: which of the girls I knew secretly had a crush on me?

Angel: Well.. there was Denise Baker..

Deceased: Oh, yeah?

Angel: ..Patty Patronik..

Deceased: Oh, right..

Angel: .. and, uh.. Stephanie Zimmer.

Deceased: Oh. Uh-huh. No one else?

Angel: No.

Deceased: Well. Let’s see.. what’s the grossest thing I ever ate?

Angel: You don’t want to know.

Deceased: Oh. Okay. What about the 200th grossest thing?

Angel: Okay.. that would be some butterscotch pudding that had a dead earwig in it.

Deceased: [ grimaces ] Oh, gross! You mean I never tasted it!

Angel: Well, you made this very funny face.. but you were watching a football game on TV at the time..

Deceased: This is so wild! So, you know everything? Alright.. alright.. who would have won between Secreatariat and Man-Of-War?

Angel: Man-Of-War.

Deceased: Hmm.. really? What kind of sit-ups are better – bent-knee, or straight-knee?

Angel: Straight.

Deceased: I knew it! That gym teacher was such an idiot!

Angel: Yeah.. he was.

Deceased: Okay.. okay.. which one’s better: Beatles or Stones?

Angel: Beatles.

Deceased: Ah-ha! Dogs or cats?

Angel: Dogs.

Deceased: Smooth or chunky?

Angel: Chunky.

Deceased: Huh? [ thinking ] Okay, okay, I got one! Which one wins: the irresistable force, or the immovable object?

Angel: The irresistable force.

Deceased: Huh.. interesting. Okay. Of the following people, which ,if any, are still alive: Elvis, Jim Morrison, Jimmy Hoffa, Andy Kaufman, or Hitler.

Angel: Uh.. that’d be Jim Morrison and Hitler.

Deceased: [ shocked ] Hitler?!

Angel: Hey, don’t worry. We’re really gonna nail him.

Deceased: Boy.. this is so weird! I don’t even know what to ask.. okay – Bruce Willis. I mean, that guy, he had to make a deal with the devil, right?

Angel: Yeah.

Deceased: I knew it! I knew it! Okay, who else? Sugar Ray Leonard?

Angel: Yeah.

Deceased: Yeah! Who else?

Angel: Oh, there’s so many..

Deceased: Alright.. alright.. Hey! What is the one thing that would surprise me the most if I knew it?

Angel: [ laughs ] You couldn’t handle it.

Deceased: Alright, okay, okay.. How about the 368th most surprising fact?

Angel: Professional wrestling is real.

Deceased: [ surprised ] What’s the weirdest thing that causes cancer?

Angel: Uh.. looking at goldfish.

Deceased: Whoa-oa! Why did they change the formula for Coke?

Angel: [ dramatic pause ] No one knows.

Deceased: Hmm.. What happened to that $50 bill I lost at graduation?

Angel: You didn’t lose it – your uncle stole it.

Deceased: Wha..? [ laughs ] This is the greatest thing that ever happened! I love this!

Angel: Well, good, I’m glad! Hey, come on, let’s go, I want to show you around..

Deceased: Hey, wait, I gotta know one thing: does God have a favorite religion?

Angel: Yes.

Deceased: Which one?

Angel: Lutheran.

Deceased: Huh!

[ they exit to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Sold-Out Gold

Daughter…..Victoria Jackson
Father…..Kevin Nealon
David Crosby…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on Father and Daughter dancing to “Good Vibrations” by the Beach Boys ]

Daughter: Wow, Dad, that’s the Sunkist Song!

Father: No, Jennifer, it’s the Beach Boys. I grew up listening to this music!

Daughter: Wow, Dad! You’re cooler than I thought!

Father: You mean now, there’s music we both can enjoy?

[ cut to David Crosby in a recording studio ]

David Crosby: There sure is, man! Hi, I’m David Crosby. Hey, did you know that many of today’s best-loved commercial jingles are actually based on classics from the sixties? Cause they are, man. Now all this great music is available on one collection… [ holds up record SOLD OUT GOLD ] Sold Out Gold! You’ll get great hits like Orange Vibrations.

[ SUPER: “SUNKIST VIBRATIONS – The Beach Boys”, to the tune of “GoodVibrations” ]

“I’m picking up orange vibrations,
Sunkist Orange Soda taste sensations..

David Crosby: Or the Nike Song!

[ SUPER: “THE NIKE SONG – The Beatles”, to the tune of “Revolution” ]

“There’s got to be a revolution
Well, you know…

David Crosby: And if you order now, man, we’ll sell you this additional album.. [ holds up record SOLD OUT BRONZE ] ..Sold Out Bronze! 20 never-before-aired commercials, including this one from Time Magazine.

[ SUPER: “IN-A-TIME-MAGAZINE – Iron Butterfly”, to the tune of”In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida” ]

“In a Time magazine, now baby
It’s got all the news, if you care.

David Crosby: Or this Doors tune for General Electric!
[ SUPER: “GENERAL ELECTRIC – The Doors”, to the tune of “People Are Strange” ]

“Self-cleaning oven,
Digital timer,
Chicken is tasty
When broiled in my range
G.E. range,
Pastries come out all the same,
G.E. range..

David Crosby: And White Shirt!

[ SUPER: “WHITE SHIRT – Jefferson Airplane”, to the tune of “White Rabbit” ]

“One shirt makes you formal,
And one shirt has short sleeves,
Ask Arrow
For your shirt needs.

[ Shown: a picture of the Rolling Stones and a box of Eggo Waffles ]

“Hey you, leggo my eggo!
Hey you, leggo my eggo!
Hey you, leggo my eggo!

David Crosby: Plus, these other Sold-Out Bronze classics!

[ Titles scroll:

“TALKING ABOUT (MY KEN-L-RATION) – The Who”
“(HEY YOU) LEGGO MY EGGO – The Rolling Stones”
“THE WIND CRIES SHASTA – Jimi Hendrix”
“INCENSE AND FEENA-MINTS – Strawberry Alarm Clock”
“JEEP CHEROKEE PEOPLE – Paul Revere and the Raiders”
“WHERE HAVE ALL THE PRINGLES GONE? – Peter, Paul, & Mary” ]

David Crosby: [ holding both albums] I’ve listened to these albums over 300 times, man! Now you can too by ordering today. Here’s how, man:

(bugs his eyes)

Send $19.69 to:
SOLD-OUT GOLD
P.O. Box 1965
Silver Springs, IN, 01965

Or call 1-800-SIX-TIES, yeah.

[ cut back to father and daughter dancing to the tune of “We Gotta GetOut of This Place” ]

“We gotta get out of this place
And take a trip to the Poconos.
We gotta get out of this place..

[ fade to black ]

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 9th, 1987

Mark Harmon

Suzanne Vega

None

Suzanne Vega, “Marlene On The Wall”

The New Charlie’s Angels

Mark Harmon’s Monologue

Recurring Characters: Peter Graves, Pat Stevens.

Very Smart Theatre

Iran Contra Hearings

Einstein Express

Suzanne Vega performs “Luka”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Salmon

“Dave’s Party”

Mark Harmon, the Perfect Spokesman

Ching Change

Recurring Characters: Ching Change.

Suzanne Vega performs “Marlene On The Wall”

Myowling Bible

Novice Sketch Artist

SNL Transcripts

The New Charlie’s Angels

Donna Rice…..Nora Dunn
Jessica Hahn…..Jan Hooks
Fawn Hall…..Victoria Jackson
John Bosley…..Jon Lovitz
Ted Kennedy…..Phil Hartman
Chase Steele…..Mark Harmon

Announcer: This is the story of three beautiful girls. Jessica.. [ shows Jessica Hahn – SUPER: “Starring Jessica Hahn ] ..Fawn.. [ shows Fawn Hall – SUPER: “Starring Fawn Hall” ] ..and Donna.. [ shows Donna Rice – SUPER: “Starring Donna Rice ]. They were stuck in run-of-the-mill jobs. Church secretary.. [ Jessica Hahn runs from a church ] ..former part-time model turned government secretary.. [ Fawn Hall runs past the White House ] ..and struggling young actress/model [ Donna Rice stands in front of boat yard, later joined by Jessica Hahn and Fawn Hall ]. But all of that changed when they became “The New Charlie’s Angels”. [ shows them in silhoette, explosion behind them ]

[ cut to Office, John Bosley at desk, Fawn and Donna on the couch. Jessica enters ]

Jessica Hahn: Hi, angels!

Fawn Hall and Donna Rice: Hi!

Jessica Hahn: So, I heard there was a parallel. [ sits on John Bosley’s desk ] What’s up, Bos?

John Bosley: Well angels, Charlie called a meeting. [ To Donna ] By the way, Donna, congratulations on Operation Hart Failure.

Donna Rice: Well, thanks Bos, but the funny thing is he never laid a finger on me. Even on the boat trip he just wanted to talk about the issues.

John Bosley: Well, it doesn’t matter. [ goes to bulletin board with pictures of presidential front runners ] Goodbye, Gary! [ crosses out Gary Hart’s picture ] By the way, Jessica..

Jessica Hahn: What?

John Bosley: You played the press like a violin.

Jessica Hahn: Oh, I know, but Jim Bakker was sooo disgusting, ewwww. I drank my own wine.

John Bosley: Well, I don’t think we need to worry about a televangelist president. Goodbye, Pat Robertson! [ crosses out Pat Robertson’s picture ]

Fawn Hall: Bosley, I’m bored. When do I get to testify in that big room?

John Bosley: Relax, Fawn. Your body kept the Iran scam issue on all the papers. Yes sir, Bush is history! [ crosses out George Bush’s picture ]

Jessica Hahn: But Bos, doesn’t the public suspect anything?

John Bosley: No way. The public just thinks they’re a string ofunrelated events. Meanwhile, you’ve knocked out three of the frontrunners. I know Charlie will be very happy about that. [ goes to the phone ] Isn’t that right, Charlie?

Ted Kennedy: [ on the phone in his office, while a woman pours him beer ] Oh that’s for sure. I can’t imagine three more glamouous salvagers than Fawn, Donna, and Jessica.

John Bosley: Well project Phoenix is right on schedule, Charlie.

Ted Kennedy: Yes, now let’s proceed toward our target, the national convention in Atlanta.

Jessica Hahn: Hey Charlie, why did I have to do that thing with Muskie?

Angels: Ewww!

Jessica Hahn: And he wasn’t even running!

Angels: Ewww!

Ted Kennedy: Well, my apologies, Jessica. That was just a clerical error.

Jessica Hahn: Oh.

Ted Kennedy: [ woman in office is now massaging him ] Now, angels, if I may direct your attention to the center court area. [ Chase Steele enters through the doorway ] Say hello to our newest angel, Chase Steele.

Jessica Hahn: Ooh la laa!

[ Jessica, Fawn, and Donna go to Chase ]

Ted Kennedy: Chase, you’ll be relieved to hear I’m taking you off Jack Kemp. Now how about a progress report on Operation Pineapple?

Chase Steele: Well, Senator Dole’s a pretty straight arrow. So I’m going after his wife, Secretary of Transportation. I have a hunch she’ll not mind if I inspect her cargo. [ kisses Jessica, as Donna and Fawn giggle ]

Ted Kennedy: All right, but be careful. In my experience, Republican women are harder to open than a liquor store in Nebraska.

Chase Steele: Charlie, you want Liz Dole, you got her. Just get the reporters there. Twenty minutes alone with me on the New Jersey turnpike, she’ll be underneath the bridge with her dress on up over her head, screaming, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Einstein Express

Mr. Edwards…Jon Lovitz
Harry Butterworth…Phil Hartman
Einstein Express Clerk…Jan Hooks
Customer…Kevin Nealon

[ Open on Mr. Edwards in his office, answering phone call from his boss, Harry Butterworth ]

Mr. Edwards: Hello?

Harry Butterworth: Edwards, where’s that report?

Mr. Edwards: Report?

Harry Butterworth: It was supposed to be here last week!

Mr. Edwards: Uhh…

Harry Butterworth: You’re fired! [ slams down his phone ]

[ Mr. Edwards, realizing he forgot to send in the report, immediately hangs up and types up the report quickly ]

Announcer: There are lots of overnight express delivery services – Federal Express, Duralater, Emery. They all do a fine job when you’re racing a deadline. But what do you do if you’ve already missed your deadine? When it’s already too late, it’s time to call us. Einstein Express.

[ logo appears on screen ]

[ Mr. Edwards is seen at Einstein Express office, standing in Clerk’s line ]

Clerk: Hello. [ weighs package ] Two pounds. And when does it have to be there?

Mr. Edwards: [ nervous ] Uh.. three days ago?

Clerk: [ checks calendar ] Okay, that’s last Friday.

Announcer: Using a patented superconductor matrix, coupled with Einstein’s theory of space-time continum, we can transport any document or package up to ten pounds into the past.

[ clerk puts package in time machine, sets it to three days ago, sending it into the past. Mr Edwards is amazed. ]

[ SUPER: “Maxinmum time warp: Six months” ]

Announcer: Sure, it costs a little more..

Clerk: That’ll be 57 dollars.

[ Mr. Edwards hands her the money and leaves ]

Announcer: But there are times when nothing else will do.

[ Next Customer comes up, holding a container of birth control pills ]

Customer: I gotta get these pills to my girlfriend.. four months ago.

[ back in Harry Butterworth’s office, Harry is talking to Mr. Edwards on the phone ]

Harry Butterworth: Edwards, I read your report over the weekend. It’s brilliant.. partner!

[ back in Mr. Edwards’ office, Mr Edwards hangs up, feeling relieved ]

Announcer: Einstein Express. When it absolutely, positively, has to be there the day before yesterday.

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Salmon

Female Salmon…..Victoria Jackson
Male Salmon…..Mark Harmon
Male Salmon #2…..Kevin Nealon

Announcer: The salmon. In terms of strength, endurance and navigational ability, perhaps the most remarkable of God’s creatures. In an odyssey of mythic proportion, they swim downstream to live in the sea. Then, as adults, they make the arduous journey thousands of miles back to the very streams that gave them birth. There, just before they die, they spawn.

[ open on Female Salmon spawning, as Male Salmon swims over ]

Male Salmon: Excuse, me, Miss, but, uh.. can I ask you a question? Are you spawning? ‘Cause.. I just thought if you were, maybe I could join you?

[ Female Salmon swims away in disgust, as Second Male Salmon swims in ]

Male Salmon #2: Hey, Mr. Subtle! Why don’t you just go up and grab her, for Gosh sakes!

Male Salmon: What do you mean?

Male Salmon #2: What I mean is: you know she’s spawning, I know she’s spawning. But you can’t just go, “How about it, Baby?” You gotta be romantic.

Male Salmon: Romantic? I’m gonna die any day now! I don’t have time for romantic!

Male Salmon #2: Look, I’m telling you, it works. I must have spawned with twenty female today. And what time is it now, noon?

Male Salmon: Twenty? Aren’t you afraid of getting.. salmonella?

Male Salmon #2: Aw, forget it!

[ Second Male Salmon swims away ]

Male Salmon: Hmm.. romantic, huh?

[ SUPER: “Later That Day” ]

[ scene dissolves to Female Salmon in another part of the stream, as Male Salmon swims over with a larva in tow ]

Male Salmon: Excuse me.

Female Salmon: [ put off ] Oh, it’s you.

Male Salmon: Yeah, I just wanted to apologize for what I said before. Here. I brought you a little something. [ nudges the larva towards her ]

Female Salmon: Oh? Oh, really? Well, I am kind of hungry. It looks delicious. They’re really hard to find, you know?

Male Salmon: [ blushing ] Oh, that’s okay. It was a stone fly larva. I can find them. I just push over a big rock with my snout, and they’re all over underneath.

Female Salmon: [ smiling ] You can push over rocks with your snout?

Male Salmon: Big ones!

Female Salmon: Wow! You must be strong! I bet that you could break a twenty-pound test!

Male Salmon: Well, I hope I never have to find out – knock on wood!

Female Salmon: [ laughs ]

Male Salmon: So.. you from around here?

Female Salmon: Originally.

Male Salmon: Me, too.

Female Salmon: Oh, yeah, of course. I guess we’re all from around here, or we wouldn’t be here.

Male Salmon: It sure is beautiful, isn’t it?

Female Salmon: Yeah.

Male Salmon: I’d like my smallfry to grow up here.

Female Salmon: Me, too. You know, it’s so depressing downstream. Everybody’s just, “Me, me, me!” It’s like, “What can I eat?”

Male Salmon: Oh, it makes you sick, doesn’t it? I mean, that ocean water really hurts my eyes.

Female Salmon: Me, too.

[ they both start to say something at once ]

Female Salmon: [ laughing ] You go ahead!

Male Salmon: [ laughing ] No. You. You!

Female Salmon: Well.. I was just thinking about that waterfall about three miles back. I didn’t think I was ever gonna get over that thing!

Male Salmon: Oh, tell me about it! Boy! I think the key is, you can’t be afraid to look stupid.

Female Salmon: Really? You know, that’s so true..

Male Salmon: Hey! Watch this! [ he swims a backwards loop around her ]

Female Salmon: Wow! I’m impressed! You’re really good! You know, a lot of those mating dances are so blatant and mindless.

Male Salmon: Thanks!

Female Salmon: You know.. um.. I have a little place over there behind that boulder.

Male Salmon: Really?

Female Salmon: Yeah.. it’s sort of a little area that I hollowed out in ther gravel with my tail. You wouldn’t, uh.. want to come over and see it, would you?

Male Salmon: Well, actually, I was on my way to – Yeah, I’ll go over there.

Female Salmon: Oh, good! It’s just right over there, past that log.

[ she leads the direction, but a bear captures her instead ]

Male Salmon: Hey! Hey! Hey, let her go! Bear!

[ she swims back into the scene, crying ]

Female Salmon: [ in tears ] Did you see that?!

Male Salmon: Are you okay?

Female Salmon: I.. I think so..

Male Salmon: Damn bears! I hate them! You still want to go over to your place?

Female Salmon: Oh, gosh, let’s just do it right here!

Male Salmon: I think we’d better.

Female Salmon: I think so, too.

[ they begin to spawn together, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 16th, 1987

Garry Shandling

Los Lobos

Tracy Ullman

Los Lobos, “Is That All There Is”

Iran-Contra Hearings

Robert McFarlane (Phil Hartman) gets upset during Iran-Contra Hearings.

Garry Shandling’s Monologue

Shandling ponders what type of monologue he would like to do.

Department Store Sketch

Shandling ruins department store sketch by breaking character.

The Puppy

Masterful jewel thief The Puppy (Dana Carvey) acts just like a little dog.

Support Group Therapy

Stu (Shandling) tells support group false stories about his mother (Jan Hooks).

Los Lobos performs “Is That All There Is”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Jimmy Stewart (Dana Carvey) speaks against the colorization of black-and-white films.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Stewart.

The Teeny Cafe

Babette (Nora Dunn) warms the crowd at her Teeny Cafe.

Recurring Characters: Babette.

Chewing Tobacco Airline

Couple (Shandling, Victoria Jackson) endure flight filled with tobacco chewers.

“Hollywood Mom”

Tracy Ullman’s baby doesn’t share her love for fame.

Anniversary Dinner

Couple (Dana Carvey, Jan Hooks) still fight, despite marriage counseling.

Los Lobos performs “One Time, One Night”

SNL Transcripts

Garry Shandling’s Monologue

…..Garry Shandling

Garry Shandling: Thanks a lot, it’s great to be here, thanks! It’s nice to see you, thanks for coming, and it’s great to be here, I’ve always wanted to host “Saturday Night Live”. You know, I grew up with the show, and.. well, sort of. In my twenties, I grew up with the show. And, uh, gee they’ve done comedy that always approached art, and, uh.. Well, alright – I’m just happy to be doing something on Saturday night, that’s the truth!

And, I wasn’t sure what kind of monologue I wanted to do, because, uh.. have you guys seen me do monologues before? [ audience gives light applause ] Yeah. And you’re pretty thrilled about me doing another one, I can tell. And I really didn’t know if I wanted to do a monologue.

And then I called my girlfriend. Actually, it’s my ex-girlfriend. We broke up because we were having huge arguments over ho was the most disappointed. And I said to her, “Should I do a monologue?” And she said, “I can’t take this kind of stuff any more,” and got out of there. We were just approaching that stage where we were comfortable around each other in the relationship. You know that plae, where you start to be yourself? And she would blow her nose, and it made that honking sound. It grosses you out. And I got used to noise – it’ass when the geese hit the window. You know, “I can’t take this any more.” So, I got out of it. A pretty girl, actually. She was a stewardess for Federal Express.

So, uh.. but I met a new girl, who I started to ask about the monologue. I met a new girl at a barbecue, actually, a very pretty girl. Blonde, I think. I’m not sure, her hair was on fire. And all she talked about was herself. You know those kind of girls – “I’m hot. I’m on fire!” You know. “Me, mem me!” You know. “Help me! Put me out!” Jesus. Some sort of Hollywood chick. And I said, “How about me?” So, we go out on a date, and we go dancing. And I’m sure you can tell just by looking at me you can tell I’m a great dancer. [ laughs ] So, the truth is, when I go to a disco or something, I actually picture the video of that song, and dance like they do in the video. Which means, you know, I gotta carry smoke bombs.. you know, I take a wind machine, it’s a whole thing. But I said, “Should I do a monologue?” to this girl. And she said, “Well, I don’t really care what you do.” It was a weird date.

The weirdest date I ever had, I took a girl – this is the one I’ll never forget – I took a girl to see “E.T.” Right? So now, I take this girl to see “E.T.”, we’re in the theater, she couldn’t let herself get into the fantasy of the movie. Right, so you know this one place where the bike with E.T. on it goes up across the moon? This girl yells, “I’m sure!” I’m going, “This isn’t a documentary, honey, that’s not real live footage up there.” She must dream at night and go, “Right. I’ll bet.”

But I don’t want you to think that I haven’t been dating. In fact, just a few weeks ago I made love to a woman for an hour-and-a-half. And.. well, thank you. Well, it was on the day you put the clocks ahead, but that still counts. Well, you should know this about me. I’m not kinky sexually at all. Occasionally, I like to put on a robe and stand in front of a tennis ball machine, but hey! We all have our own thing, you know? Maybe take a few fast ones, maybe hit a couple back.

So, now it’s supposed to be real hip to express your needs in bed, which, boy, I’m just too shy to do, except over the phone to people I don’t know! [ laughs ] Then I can go on forever, even through that loud whistle. So, I said, “Wow, I’m hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’, do I want to do a monologue? What kind of monologue?” And I couldn’t decide if I wanted to do one, so I called my mom. My mom lives in Arizona. I was born in Chicago, raised in Arizona. I moved to Arizona when I was three years old because my brother had asthma. My mother said, “We gotta move, ’cause your brother has asthma.” I said, “Gee, just vacuum!” Because every time someone slaps the couch, the kid has an attack, so.. And my mother actually taught me nothing about sex. I asked, “How do the chemicals mix?” She said, “Just look at the dogs in the front yard.” So, to this day, I’m afraid I’m gonna be hosed down while I’m doing it.

So, I said, “Do I want to do a monologue?” She said, “I really don’t care, son.” So I didn’t know what kind of monologue to do. So I called my dad. And my dad – I grew up with my dad as well. I actually learned to drive on my dad’s lap, did anybody do this? Yeah, I used to sit on his lap and work the wheel, and he’d work the brake. And then I took the exam, and sat on the examiner’s lap. And failed the exam. But he still writes to me, and that’s the good part.

So, the final person I bounced this idea off – I’ve been looking for a house in L.A., and I’m thinking this week I’ve gotta do “Saturday Night Live”, what kind of monologue do I want to do. I said to the realtor who showed me the house. Now, I’ve never bought a house before. She shows me a house, $350,000 on a hill, two bedrooms, she tells me it has a great view. For $350,000, I’d better pen up the curtains and see breasts against the window. So, uh.. yeah, I don’t want to see light for $350,000.

So, anyway, I think I may not actually do a monologue, is what I thought, and move on right to the sketches, how do you feel about that? Because this is really the reason that I wanted to be here, to do the sketches. So why don’t we just get started with the sketches – wish me luck. I’m gonna go over to where I do my first sketch, and this will be great.

Look! Here I am on TV! God, look, there I am! Is that what I look like? Sorry. Come on, I think it’s over here. Oh, look! This is the set where I’m gonna do my first sketch! God, I hope it goes great, because, you know, the first sketch is really a barometer for how well the show’s gonna go. But I feel pretty good about this one, because this is a sketch where I return a sweater to the department store. Wait. There’s a catch. I don’t have the receipt! Is this gonna be great, or what! Alright, I gotta go get into character, and I’ll see you in a minute. Have a good time.

[ exits stage, as cameras zoom into the first sketch ]

SNL Transcripts