Salmon


Salmon

Female Salmon…..Victoria Jackson
Male Salmon…..Mark Harmon
Male Salmon #2…..Kevin Nealon


Announcer: The salmon. In terms of strength, endurance and navigational ability, perhaps the most remarkable of God’s creatures. In an odyssey of mythic proportion, they swim downstream to live in the sea. Then, as adults, they make the arduous journey thousands of miles back to the very streams that gave them birth. There, just before they die, they spawn.

[ open on Female Salmon spawning, as Male Salmon swims over ]

Male Salmon: Excuse, me, Miss, but, uh.. can I ask you a question? Are you spawning? ‘Cause.. I just thought if you were, maybe I could join you?

[ Female Salmon swims away in disgust, as Second Male Salmon swims in ]

Male Salmon #2: Hey, Mr. Subtle! Why don’t you just go up and grab her, for Gosh sakes!

Male Salmon: What do you mean?

Male Salmon #2: What I mean is: you know she’s spawning, I know she’s spawning. But you can’t just go, “How about it, Baby?” You gotta be romantic.

Male Salmon: Romantic? I’m gonna die any day now! I don’t have time for romantic!

Male Salmon #2: Look, I’m telling you, it works. I must have spawned with twenty female today. And what time is it now, noon?

Male Salmon: Twenty? Aren’t you afraid of getting.. salmonella?

Male Salmon #2: Aw, forget it!

[ Second Male Salmon swims away ]

Male Salmon: Hmm.. romantic, huh?

[ SUPER: “Later That Day” ] [ scene dissolves to Female Salmon in another part of the stream, as Male Salmon swims over with a larva in tow ]

Male Salmon: Excuse me.

Female Salmon: [ put off ] Oh, it’s you.

Male Salmon: Yeah, I just wanted to apologize for what I said before. Here. I brought you a little something. [ nudges the larva towards her ]

Female Salmon: Oh? Oh, really? Well, I am kind of hungry. It looks delicious. They’re really hard to find, you know?

Male Salmon: [ blushing ] Oh, that’s okay. It was a stone fly larva. I can find them. I just push over a big rock with my snout, and they’re all over underneath.

Female Salmon: [ smiling ] You can push over rocks with your snout?

Male Salmon: Big ones!

Female Salmon: Wow! You must be strong! I bet that you could break a twenty-pound test!

Male Salmon: Well, I hope I never have to find out – knock on wood!

Female Salmon: [ laughs ]

Male Salmon: So.. you from around here?

Female Salmon: Originally.

Male Salmon: Me, too.

Female Salmon: Oh, yeah, of course. I guess we’re all from around here, or we wouldn’t be here.

Male Salmon: It sure is beautiful, isn’t it?

Female Salmon: Yeah.

Male Salmon: I’d like my smallfry to grow up here.

Female Salmon: Me, too. You know, it’s so depressing downstream. Everybody’s just, “Me, me, me!” It’s like, “What can I eat?”

Male Salmon: Oh, it makes you sick, doesn’t it? I mean, that ocean water really hurts my eyes.

Female Salmon: Me, too.

[ they both start to say something at once ]

Female Salmon: [ laughing ] You go ahead!

Male Salmon: [ laughing ] No. You. You!

Female Salmon: Well.. I was just thinking about that waterfall about three miles back. I didn’t think I was ever gonna get over that thing!

Male Salmon: Oh, tell me about it! Boy! I think the key is, you can’t be afraid to look stupid.

Female Salmon: Really? You know, that’s so true..

Male Salmon: Hey! Watch this! [ he swims a backwards loop around her ]

Female Salmon: Wow! I’m impressed! You’re really good! You know, a lot of those mating dances are so blatant and mindless.

Male Salmon: Thanks!

Female Salmon: You know.. um.. I have a little place over there behind that boulder.

Male Salmon: Really?

Female Salmon: Yeah.. it’s sort of a little area that I hollowed out in ther gravel with my tail. You wouldn’t, uh.. want to come over and see it, would you?

Male Salmon: Well, actually, I was on my way to – Yeah, I’ll go over there.

Female Salmon: Oh, good! It’s just right over there, past that log.

[ she leads the direction, but a bear captures her instead ]

Male Salmon: Hey! Hey! Hey, let her go! Bear!

[ she swims back into the scene, crying ]

Female Salmon: [ in tears ] Did you see that?!

Male Salmon: Are you okay?

Female Salmon: I.. I think so..

Male Salmon: Damn bears! I hate them! You still want to go over to your place?

Female Salmon: Oh, gosh, let’s just do it right here!

Male Salmon: I think we’d better.

Female Salmon: I think so, too.

[ they begin to spawn together, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/21/87


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

March 21st, 1987

Bill Murray

Percy Sledge

None

  • Bill’s Missing Show

  • Bill Murray’s Monologue

  • Reach Out

  • One-Night Stand

  • Donahue

    Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue.

  • Nick Slammer

    Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer.

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • Girl-Crazy Obstetrician

  • Percy Sledge performs “When A Man Loves A Woman”

  • Il Returno De Hercules

  • Mikey Can’t Shoot

  • Honker Drives A Cab

    Recurring Characters:Honker,

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Garry Shandling: 05/16/87


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    May 16th, 1987

    Garry Shandling

    Los Lobos

    Tracy Ullman

    Los Lobos, “Is That All There Is”

  • Iran-Contra Hearings

    Robert McFarlane (Phil Hartman) gets upset during Iran-Contra Hearings.

  • Garry Shandling’s Monologue

    Shandling ponders what type of monologue he would like to do.

  • Department Store Sketch

    Shandling ruins department store sketch by breaking character.

  • The Puppy

    Masterful jewel thief The Puppy (Dana Carvey) acts just like a little dog.

  • Support Group Therapy

    Stu (Shandling) tells support group false stories about his mother (Jan Hooks).

  • Los Lobos performs “Is That All There Is”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

    Jimmy Stewart (Dana Carvey) speaks against the colorization of black-and-white films.

    Recurring Characters: Jimmy Stewart.

  • The Teeny Cafe

    Babette (Nora Dunn) warms the crowd at her Teeny Cafe.

    Recurring Characters: Babette.

  • Chewing Tobacco Airline

    Couple (Shandling, Victoria Jackson) endure flight filled with tobacco chewers.

  • “Hollywood Mom”

    Tracy Ullman’s baby doesn’t share her love for fame.

  • Anniversary Dinner

    Couple (Dana Carvey, Jan Hooks) still fight, despite marriage counseling.

  • Los Lobos performs “One Time, One Night”

    SNL Transcripts

  • Il Returno de Hercules

    Il Returno de Hercules

    King Laertes…..Dana Carvey/Tom Davis (voice)
    Helena…..Nora Dunn/Jan Hooks (voice)
    Hercules…..Bill Murray
    Guard…..A Whitney Brown

    Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] “In the time known as the Heroic Age, many centuries before the birth of Christ, Greece was still a savage and uncivilized land. In these dark times, one man alone defended the helpless – the Mighty Hercules. For many years the might Hercules fought for the common people, until at length his rich diet and increasingly sedentary lifestyle began to take their toll. Though srill quite strong for a man his age, he was no longer the Hercules of old.”

    King Laertes: Why do you resist me, Helena? Become my Queen. Together, we will rule Greece!

    Helena: Never! You have stolen this land from my father. Besides, you have not reckoned yet with Hercules.

    King Laertes: Do not look to Hercules for help. My guards captured him last night. Today, he will be put to death.

    Helena: No! Spare him! I will do anything you ask.

    King Laertes: So.. you do love him!

    Helena: He is the greatest hero of Greece.

    King Laertes: I must see this warrior. Bring Hercules to me!

    Guard: Bring in Hercules!

    [ Hercules is brought in. He is old and flabby ]

    King Laertes: So, Hercules, once again, we meet. By the gods! Look at you! You really have let yourself go!

    Hercules: Is it that noticeable, Laertes?

    King Laertes: Is it noticeable?! I hardly recognized you!

    Helena: Well, I think he looks fine.

    King Laertes: Silence! So.. the Mighty Hercules! I don’t mean to be cruel, but you have really gone downhill!

    Hercules: I have not exercised much since the last Olympics. And I’ve learned, to my sorrow, that if you stop exercising, the muscle turns to fat.

    King Laertes: I was going to feed you to the Hydra, the seven-headed dragon.. but looking at you, I have a better idea. You are said to be the strongest man to ever live. I will spare your life, if you can pass a test of strength!

    Hercules: Must I pass this test of strength right away?

    King Laertes: What do you mean?

    Hercules: If I can have a month or two, to get into better condition..

    King Laertes: No! Absolutely not! You must the test of strength now! Today!

    Hercules: Very well. What is your test?

    King Laertes: Do you see that boulder over there? I want you to lift it!

    Hercules: That boulder is too large. I could life a smaller one.

    King Laertes: So! The Mighty Hercules!

    Hercules: In six months I will be able to lift it. Right after I put an end to your despotic rule, Laertes, I plan to start a new regimen – hunting, swimming, eating better.. [ rubbing his belly ] All this will disappear.

    King Laertes: Brave talk, Hercules. First, you must pass this test!

    Hercules: And if I pass this test, you will spare Helena’s life?

    King Laertes: You have my word.

    Hercules: Very well. I accept.

    Helena: No, Hercules. Don’t try to lift the boulder yourself. Get someone to help you.

    [ Hercules stretches as everyone waits ]

    King Laertes: Hercules! Look, what are you doing?

    Hercules: First, I must loosen up. I am very tight. [ continues to stretch ]

    Helena: Hercules! I beg you. Don’t! [ Hercules bends over to lift the boulder ] Hercules! The legs! Lift with the legs!

    Hercules: [ starting to raise the boulder, stopping suddenly ] My back! I think I pulled it! [ he lays on the ground, as Helena runs over to help ] This happened once before. Leave me alone. If I lie flat like this, it will fix itself.

    King Laertes: [ laughing ] Ha! Your Hercules is a weakling! Send in the Hydra!

    Guard: Send the Hydra!

    [ the Hydra appears ]

    Helena: Hercules! Get up! The Hydra!

    Hercules: I can’t. Just let me lie here, please.

    Helena: Oh, Laertes, please! Hercules can’t get up! Call off the Hydra!

    King Laertes: Very well.. Call off the Hydra.

    Guard: Call off the Hydra!

    [ the Hydra leaves ]

    Helena: Hercules, the Hydra is gone. Can I do anything for you?

    Hercules: No, Helena. Thank you. If I could just lie here for another minute..

    King Laertes: [ mocking ] The Mighty Hercules! What a disappointment!

    Hercules: [ trying to pick himself up ] I’d like to see you try it.

    King Laertes: The Mighty Hercules!

    Hercules: Stop saying “The Mighty Hercules”.

    Helena: Don’t worry about Laertes. Soon, when you have regained your strength, you can return to lift that boulder and crush him with it.

    Hercules: I can’t even think about that now..

    Helena: That’s right, Hercules. Now you must rest. For you, there will be other adventures. The gods have willed it!

    [ fade out – “Fini” at the center of the screen ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Garry Shandling’s Monologue


    Garry Shandling’s Monologue

    …..Garry Shandling


    Garry Shandling: Thanks a lot, it’s great to be here, thanks! It’s nice to see you, thanks for coming, and it’s great to be here, I’ve always wanted to host “Saturday Night Live”. You know, I grew up with the show, and.. well, sort of. In my twenties, I grew up with the show. And, uh, gee they’ve done comedy that always approached art, and, uh.. Well, alright – I’m just happy to be doing something on Saturday night, that’s the truth!

    And, I wasn’t sure what kind of monologue I wanted to do, because, uh.. have you guys seen me do monologues before? [ audience gives light applause ] Yeah. And you’re pretty thrilled about me doing another one, I can tell. And I really didn’t know if I wanted to do a monologue.

    And then I called my girlfriend. Actually, it’s my ex-girlfriend. We broke up because we were having huge arguments over ho was the most disappointed. And I said to her, “Should I do a monologue?” And she said, “I can’t take this kind of stuff any more,” and got out of there. We were just approaching that stage where we were comfortable around each other in the relationship. You know that plae, where you start to be yourself? And she would blow her nose, and it made that honking sound. It grosses you out. And I got used to noise – it’ass when the geese hit the window. You know, “I can’t take this any more.” So, I got out of it. A pretty girl, actually. She was a stewardess for Federal Express.

    So, uh.. but I met a new girl, who I started to ask about the monologue. I met a new girl at a barbecue, actually, a very pretty girl. Blonde, I think. I’m not sure, her hair was on fire. And all she talked about was herself. You know those kind of girls – “I’m hot. I’m on fire!” You know. “Me, mem me!” You know. “Help me! Put me out!” Jesus. Some sort of Hollywood chick. And I said, “How about me?” So, we go out on a date, and we go dancing. And I’m sure you can tell just by looking at me you can tell I’m a great dancer. [ laughs ] So, the truth is, when I go to a disco or something, I actually picture the video of that song, and dance like they do in the video. Which means, you know, I gotta carry smoke bombs.. you know, I take a wind machine, it’s a whole thing. But I said, “Should I do a monologue?” to this girl. And she said, “Well, I don’t really care what you do.” It was a weird date.

    The weirdest date I ever had, I took a girl – this is the one I’ll never forget – I took a girl to see “E.T.” Right? So now, I take this girl to see “E.T.”, we’re in the theater, she couldn’t let herself get into the fantasy of the movie. Right, so you know this one place where the bike with E.T. on it goes up across the moon? This girl yells, “I’m sure!” I’m going, “This isn’t a documentary, honey, that’s not real live footage up there.” She must dream at night and go, “Right. I’ll bet.”

    But I don’t want you to think that I haven’t been dating. In fact, just a few weeks ago I made love to a woman for an hour-and-a-half. And.. well, thank you. Well, it was on the day you put the clocks ahead, but that still counts. Well, you should know this about me. I’m not kinky sexually at all. Occasionally, I like to put on a robe and stand in front of a tennis ball machine, but hey! We all have our own thing, you know? Maybe take a few fast ones, maybe hit a couple back.

    So, now it’s supposed to be real hip to express your needs in bed, which, boy, I’m just too shy to do, except over the phone to people I don’t know! [ laughs ] Then I can go on forever, even through that loud whistle. So, I said, “Wow, I’m hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’, do I want to do a monologue? What kind of monologue?” And I couldn’t decide if I wanted to do one, so I called my mom. My mom lives in Arizona. I was born in Chicago, raised in Arizona. I moved to Arizona when I was three years old because my brother had asthma. My mother said, “We gotta move, ’cause your brother has asthma.” I said, “Gee, just vacuum!” Because every time someone slaps the couch, the kid has an attack, so.. And my mother actually taught me nothing about sex. I asked, “How do the chemicals mix?” She said, “Just look at the dogs in the front yard.” So, to this day, I’m afraid I’m gonna be hosed down while I’m doing it.

    So, I said, “Do I want to do a monologue?” She said, “I really don’t care, son.” So I didn’t know what kind of monologue to do. So I called my dad. And my dad – I grew up with my dad as well. I actually learned to drive on my dad’s lap, did anybody do this? Yeah, I used to sit on his lap and work the wheel, and he’d work the brake. And then I took the exam, and sat on the examiner’s lap. And failed the exam. But he still writes to me, and that’s the good part.

    So, the final person I bounced this idea off – I’ve been looking for a house in L.A., and I’m thinking this week I’ve gotta do “Saturday Night Live”, what kind of monologue do I want to do. I said to the realtor who showed me the house. Now, I’ve never bought a house before. She shows me a house, $350,000 on a hill, two bedrooms, she tells me it has a great view. For $350,000, I’d better pen up the curtains and see breasts against the window. So, uh.. yeah, I don’t want to see light for $350,000.

    So, anyway, I think I may not actually do a monologue, is what I thought, and move on right to the sketches, how do you feel about that? Because this is really the reason that I wanted to be here, to do the sketches. So why don’t we just get started with the sketches – wish me luck. I’m gonna go over to where I do my first sketch, and this will be great.

    Look! Here I am on TV! God, look, there I am! Is that what I look like? Sorry. Come on, I think it’s over here. Oh, look! This is the set where I’m gonna do my first sketch! God, I hope it goes great, because, you know, the first sketch is really a barometer for how well the show’s gonna go. But I feel pretty good about this one, because this is a sketch where I return a sweater to the department store. Wait. There’s a catch. I don’t have the receipt! Is this gonna be great, or what! Alright, I gotta go get into character, and I’ll see you in a minute. Have a good time.

    [ exits stage, as cameras zoom into the first sketch ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Bill Murray’s Monologue


    Bill Murray’s Monologue

    …..Bill Murray


    Bill Murray: Thank you very much! I’m very happy to be here! This is the 500th broadcast of “Saturday Night Live”!

    I’ve been away a while, it’s been a while since I’ve been here. I’m a little nervous – I’ve got a belt and suspenders on this evening! But I came back. You know why? [ audience yells “Why?” ] Because I love this country! And something happened this year that just drove a dagger through my ticker. For the first time in this nation’s history, a film comedy from another country was the #1 hit. This country didn’t make “Crocdile Dundee”. We should have, we didn’t. We got a little cocky, I think. I know what you’re gonna say – “It’s the old Chicken Little routine. No, don’t worry, Bill, this is the funniest country on Earth, always will be!” Listen.. smell the coffee, people. I’m frightened.

    Look at history, look at the French – they used to be funny. You know? What have they got now? They’ve got Jerry Lewis and the Smurfs, that’s it. Look at England – England has Benny Hill, but, you know, they squandered him. The Mexicans had Continflas – they worked him to death. And now we’re losing our edge, and the entire world knows it. Am I right, G.E.? Everybody knows it. While we were sleeping late, hanging in on Saturday mornings, the Japanese took away our cartoon shows! I mean, when you saw “Speed Racer”, didn’t something go, “Wait a second!” Now, the Germans are getting into sitcoms – I’m frightened. “Levenost nok Bever”?

    Okay. I blame myself a little bi, I mean, I could have helped a little bit.. I mean, in my own way. I just got.. you know.. I took a little time off, I got to know my friends and family a little bit, had a few dinners, a few drinks, a glass of wine.. next thing you know, a year has gone. Yuo re-order, you have second helpings, and three years are gone.. and I’m just too old, fat, and slow to know the difference. But I’m gonna try to help this country regain her natural, genetic, racial, comic supremacy. Are you with me?! Let’s start tonight! Will you promise to laugh, even if it’s not funny? [ audience applauds ] ‘Cause we need the support! We’ve got a great show. We’ve got.. well.. it’s an American show. We’ll be right back!

    SNL Transcripts

    Department Store Sketch


    Department Store Sketch

    Marge Keister…..Jan Hooks
    Doug Clipper…..Garry Shandling
    Mr. Dingle…..Phil Hartman


    [ zoom in on Marge Keister working the counter at department store ]

    Marge Keister: Thank you for shopping at Bamburger’s, where a satisfied customer is our only goal! Thank you! Bye bye! [ giggles ] [ audience applauds wildly as Garry steps out of elevator and smiles acknowedgingly before approaching the counter ]

    Marge Keister: May I help you?

    Doug Clipper: Oh, yes. Hi. I’m Doug Clipper. And I’d like to return this sweater.

    Marge Keister: Okay, fine. Do you have a receipt?

    [ Garry flashes a knowing smile at the audience, stifling his need to laugh ]

    Doug Clipper: [ laughs anyway ] No. No, I don’t!

    Marge Keister: Well, now, I’m sorry, Mr. Clipper. No receipt, no refund. It says it right here. [ points to sign in front of the cash register ]

    Garry Shandling: God, is she great, or what? It’s just like being in as department store. Good job, Jan! Jan Hooks, ladies and gentlemen, give her a hand!

    [ audience applauds wildly, embarrassing Jan who’s trying to remain in character ]

    Marge Keister: Um.. wouldn’t you like to see the manager, Mr. Clipper?

    Garry Shandling: [ stone-faced at first ] Oh, right, the manager. [ getting back into character ] Oh, sure.. right.. the manager. [ turns to the audience ] I remember, I first met Jan in Los Angeles, even before she got “Saturday Night Live”. I met her at a party at Kevin Nealon’s house. He’s one of the cast members, he’s gonna be on a little later. I can’t wait to work with him, because he’s a good friend –

    [ Jan sticks to her character ]

    Marge Keister: Well, then, if you insist, I will call the manager! Mr. Dingle to Register 5! Mr. Dingle to Register 5!

    Garry Shandling: Mr. Dingle! What a classic comedy name! Not as good as Shandling, of course.

    [ Phil Hartman enters as a store manager, closely resembling .. from “The Jack Benny Show” ]

    Mr. Dingle: YE-E-E-E-ESSSS??!!! What seems to be the problem?!

    Garry Shandling: [ excited, to the audience ] Is this great casting, or what? Really. Good job, Phil, how’s it going?

    Mr. Dingle: [ sticking to his character ] I said, what seems to be the problem?!

    Doug Clipper: Oh.. uh.. well.. I have this sweater I’d like to return.

    Marge Keister: But, but, but.. he doesn’t have the receipt.

    Mr. Dingle: I see! Well, is there something wro-o-o-o-onggg with it?!

    Doug Clipper: [ chuckles ] That’s great! Well, as a matter of fact.. it’s too small! [ holds up tiny sweater, laughing ]

    Mr. Dingle: Oh, really?! Miss Keister, you don’t suppose Mr. Clipper here is trying to pull the woo-oo-ooll over your eyes?! [ laughs ] Did I make a pun?

    Marge Keister: [ giggling ] I believe you did, Mr. Dingle!

    Mr. Dingle: We’re sorry, Mr. Clipper, but we simply cannot give you a refund on that sweater!

    Garry Shandling: [ to audience ] Ohhh.. they’re not going to take it back. [ audience sympathizes ] I make a great victim, don’t I? You know –

    Mr. Dingle: Mr. Clipper! Mr. Clipper!

    Marge Keister: Would you like to purchase another sweater, Mr. Clipper?

    Mr. Dingle: Or try on some teeny pa-a-a-a-anttsss?!

    Garry Shandling: Oh.. oh, right.. sure, Phil.. Jan.. hold on a second. [ walks away from the counter to address the audience ] You know what I hate most about sweaters? People who tie them around their shoulders! I hate those people! They think it looks cool. It looks like they can’t dress themselves! It looks like they’re home, going, “Honey, I can’t get this on.. maybe I’ll just tie it on, nobody will notice.” I always wonder if they have their socks tied around their ankles. Men don’t know how to dress. They should put expiration dates on clothing, so we know when they go out of style. God.. thanks. I love doing sketch comedy, this is great, isn’t it? I think it’s the give and take that’s so special. [ turns back to Phil and Jan ] Thanks, guys! Is this..? It was a great sketch.

    Mr. Dingle: Well, thank you for shopping at Bamburger’sssss!!

    Jan Hooks: [ removes her wig and glasses ] Give it up, Phil! Forget it!

    Phil Hartman: [ groans ]

    Jan Hooks: Thanks a lot, Gary! [ trns to exit with Phil ] We have to work the rest of the show with this guy!

    [ they exit ]

    Garry Shandling: Well, we’re off to a great start, don’t you think? Okay, we’ll be right back!

    SNL Transcripts

    Girl-Crazy Obstetrician


    Girl-Crazy Obstetrician

    Obstetrician…..Phil Hartman
    Reporter…..Nora Dunn
    Ted Carter…..Bill Murray
    Janet Carter…..Victoria Jackson
    Louise…..Jon Lovitz


    [ open on Obstetrician’s office – Reporter enters ]

    Reporter: Dr. Hoffritz? Shelley Barnette, People Magazine.

    Obstetrician: Come on in! Here, have a seat.

    Reporter: Thank you.

    Obstetrician: People Magazine. I don’t know why anyonewould want to read about me – I’m just a small-town family obstetrician.

    Reporter: Well, my editors seem to think you have a very interesting story here. Now, I understand you’ve been working and practicing here in Radfield for 21 years.

    Obstetrician: That’s right.

    Reporter: And you’ve delivered over 4,300 babies.

    Obstetrician: That’s right.

    Reporter: And they’ve all been girls.

    Obstetrician: That’s right. They’ve all been girls!

    Reporter: Well, you know, that’s amazing! You know, myassistant back in New York actually calculated the odds of that happening. It’s over 1 in 700 trillion.

    Obstetrician: Oh, no kidding. Well.. the important thing is – knock on wood – they’re all healthy and happy. I try to stay in touch with as many as I can. They’re like my family. They’re my little girls.

    Reporter: It’s like a miracle. Not one single boy.

    Obstetrician: [ checks his watch ] Oh, my goodness.. [ into hisintercom ] Louise? Would you send in the Carters, please? [ to thereporter ] I have an appointment – you’re welcome to stay, if you want, and take some notes. [ the Carters enter ] Hello, Janet, Ted!

    Janet Carter: Doctor!

    Obstetrician: How’s everything going?

    Janet Carter: Oh, I’m doing alright.

    Ted Carter: So far, so good. [ sits his wife down ]

    Obstetrician: Well, this is Shelly Barnette, of People Magazine.

    Ted Carter: Hello, Miss Barnette.

    Janet Carter: Hi.

    Obstetrician: They’re doing an article on me, can you believe that?

    Janet Carter: That doesn’t surprise me. Doctor Hoffritz is the best!

    Ted Carter: He delivered all seven of our daughters.

    Obstetrician: Well, I have the results of your amniocentesis right here, and I’ve.. got some good news. Everything’s fine, the baby’s healthy.

    Ted Carter: Dr. Hoffritz? Is it a boy?

    Obstetrician: [ laughs ] Now, Ted, wouldn’t you rather be surprised in the delivery room?

    Ted Carter: [ thinking ] No, Doctor! I’d like to know..

    Obstetrician: Well, no. It’s a girl.

    Ted Carter: [ slumps beside his wife’s chair ] I love girls! [ weeps ]

    Janet Carter: You see, Ted wants a boy. This is our eighth try.

    Ted Carter: We’ll try again.

    Janet Carter: No. No more.

    Ted Carter: Doctor, will this one need that operation?

    Obstetrician: Yes, I’m afraid so.

    Reporter: [ curious ] What operation is this, Doctor?

    Obstetrician: Well.. every now and then, a little girl is born with a penis and testicles. And, of course, they have to be removed and reshaped.

    Ted Carter: It’s quite routine. Five of our seven daughters have had this operation.

    Reporter: Doctor, what percent of the babies that you deliver need this operation?

    Obstetrician: Oh, I’d say.. 48, 49.. 50, 51% – in that area!

    [ Louise the Secretary – a manly-looking secretary at that – enters ]

    Louise: Doctor, here’s those reports you wanted.

    Obstetrician: Oh, thank you, Louise! Louise here was one of thefirst babies I delivered. Louise had a big date last night. How did it go?

    Louise: Oh, same old problem.

    Obstetrician: Well, don’t worry, Louise. Mr. Right’s out theresomewhere! Well.. Janet and Ted, I’ll be seeing you next week?

    Ted Carter: Thanks, Doctor.

    Janet Carter: Bye, Doctor!

    Obstetrician: Okay, bye bye.. Hey, Ted? Buck up. “A son is a son ’til he takes a wife; but a daughter is a daughter all of her life.”

    Ted Carter: God bless you and all of your work, Dr. Hoffritz! [ exits ]

    Louise: Oh, Doctor.. I’ve gotta leave early today – my electrolosis appointment.

    Obstetrician: Well, of course, Louise, anything you want.

    Louise: Thank you, Doctor. [ exits ]

    Obstetrician: Well! Another little girl! Can you believe it!

    Reporter: [ bothered ] Dr. Hoffritz, can’t you see what you’re doing here? I mean, the 48-51% – they’re not girls, they’re little boys! You have mutilated over 2,000 little boys!

    Obstetrician: No! No, they weren’t boys. They were little girls.. trapped in little boys’ bodies.. [ music sweeps over him ] You see.. boys are.. bad. They have bad thoughts! Sometimes they disobey their mothers.. they have to be punished! [ sniffles ] But what do their mothers know, anyway.. [ weeping ] They’re out all night with “Uncle Rudy”! But he’s not my uncle! Why does she call him my “uncle”..? [ falls to the floor, crying ]

    Reporter: Thank you, Doctor, very much.. I think I have enoughmaterial for my story now.. [ runs out of the office ] [ cut to photo of People Magazine with Dr. Hoffritz holding a baby “girl” on the cover ]

    Announcer: This week in People, meet girl-crazy Dr. Jacob Hoffritz, the one in a trillion obstretrician whose favorite color just has to be pink! Only in People!

    [ cut to Louise arm-in-arm with Martina Navratilova ]

    And say hello to Martina Navaratilova’s new travel companion.

    People celebrates people.

    [ fade to black ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Weekend Update with Dennis Miller


    Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

    …..Dennis Miller
    Jimmy Stewart…..Dana Carvey


    [ Music Open: “” ]

    Anouncer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

    Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

    Gary and Lee Hart have announced that, in an effort to reaffirm their love for each other, they will take their marriage vows again and recreate their wedding ceremony. The event will take place in a small chapel just outside of Denver, and Lee said, “We will try to recreate the wedding as faithfully as we can, but we’ll probably skip the rice thing.”

    You know, in retrospect, it’s a shame Gary Hart had to drop out of the campaign, because, while I never saw it before, for a while there last week, he really did remind me of Jack Kennedy.

    You know, this might seem like a strange coincidence, but we did find this classifed ad in the Miami Herald personal section this week: “Single 28 yr old-Phi Beta Kappa blonde actress/model. Seeks horny famous man. Smokers and Democrats need not apply.”

    Yesterday, reporters were taken on a tour of the Presidential Suite at the PTL’s Heritage Grand Hotel, used by former PTL Chairman Jim Bakker and his wife Tammy Fae. It’s a lavish layout with antique furniture, crystal chandeliers, gold plumbing fixtures, fifty-foot closets, and other regal trappings. Gee.. imagine what God’s place must look like.

    You know, it was revealed this week that $92 million in funds are missing from the PTL’s coffers. Boy, these people are really gonna have to face the music some day, because, of all the sins in the universe, I gotta think skimming from God is right up there with the worst of them, huh?

    In the privacy of an airborne Air Force One yesterday, President Reagan held a secret meeting with the ghost of former CIA director William Casey, where he listened intently as Casey detailed plans for bugging God’s office.

    Yesterday, Fawn Hall was accused of sneaking classified documents out of the White House by hiding them in her underwear. However, Fawn is in the clear, since Oliver North was wearing her underwear at the time.

    New York City is backing an ad campaign geared to warning heterosexual women about therisk of AIDS. This is one of the posters. She says, “I hope he doesn’t have AIDS.” and he says, “I hope she doesn’t have AIDS.” And it’s captioned, “You can’t live on hope.” To broaden the base of the appeal, a plan is under way to use nationally syndicated cartoon characters. Here’s a panel from a Nancy cartoon, in which Sluggo is thinking, “I hope she doesn’t have AIDS.” and Nancy is caught thinking, “I hope he doesn’t have a penis.”

    You know, Weekend Update asked 100 doctors, if they were stranded on a desert island what pain reliever they would like to have handy, and 4 out of 5 doctors said they’d choose whatever McFarlane was on at the hearings.

    Disneyland now has its own currency, Disney dollars, signed by Scrooge McDuck and usable as legal tender. However, there was panic in Anaheim this week when 10 million Disney dollars mysteriously disappeared. Fears were soon calmed, though, when it was learned the money had been misplaced by Goofy, the Magic Kingdom CPA.

    Following the appearance of such figures as Woody Allen and Ginger Rogers, at Congressional hearings on movie colorizing, representative Richard Gephardt, Missouri Democrat and presidential hopeful, said he would introduce legislation aimed at ending the colorizing of motion picture classics. Those in the political arena are amazed that Gephardt would spearhead this effort, since he is the one entity in the universe impervious to colorization.

    Dennis Miller: And now, with an editorial on the colorization of black and white movies, here is special Weekend Update guest commentator Jimmy Stewart. Nice to see you, Jimmy!

    Jimmy Stewart: It’s good to see you, too, Jimmy. It’s good to see you. You look fine! Alright.

    Well, let me get on with what I want to say here. Now, now, folks, I know you’ve been hearing a lot about this thing they call.. colorization. Now.. yeah, that’s what they call it. Now, if-if-if you don’t know what it is, it-it-it’s where they take a black and white movie – wh-which is perfectly fine the way it is – and, wi-wi-with a computer, a guy presses dommbie-doombie-doombie, and then the damn thing’s in color all of a sudden! Doombie-doombie, right to color.

    Now, the cinematographers on-on-on these pictures, they’re artists! And-and-and their work’s being sabotaged by a bnch of high-tech bushwhackers, if you ask my, my opinion on th-this whole thing here. B-b-but who are these people? I mean, what else are they gonna do? Are they gonna take the Mona Lisa and paint a bigger smile on the gal? “Th-th-there you go, Mona, you’re happier now!” Yeah.

    Wh-wh-what else are they gonna do? Are they gonna go over to Egypt and chop the top off of a pyramid and put a condo up there? “L-l-look, honey, from the bedroom, you can see the Nile!” And, like that.

    You know, I-I-I mean, th-th-these people, they-they just make me so mad, you know? I mean, some things are just better left the way they are, if you aks me! These little punks, they just, they make my skin crawl! If-if-if I saw one of those punks trying to doombie-doombie to my movie, I-I-I.. well, I’d kick his ass! Now, just stop messing with my movies, that’s all I’m saying! Just leave them the way they are, they’re not meant to change! There’s no reason why you have to –

    Dennis Miller: Take it easy, Jimmy.

    Jimmy Stewart: I’m sorry Dennis, it’s just that I’m mighty peeved. And, no offense to you, you know we’re very good friends, but don’t push me, Miller, don’t push me! You know, why don’t you just get a haircut? It’s a little long, let me tell you. You might want to trim it there, b-b-but I’m sorry I got a little upset.

    Dennis Miller: No, I’m with you. Alright. Jimmy Stewart, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Jimmy.The Census Department calculates that there are now five billion people on earth, and the number is expected to double by the year 2022 to ten billion people. The department also cautioned that the number of truly interesting people in the world will remain at thirty-eight.

    The Bernard Goetz Legal Defense Fund Committee is soliciting five dollar contributions. If a Goetz fundraiser asks you for a donation, just hand it over and get the hell out of there.

    Is it just me, or wouldn’t you like to just once see Nancy Reagan dressed up in Frank Gorshwin’s old Riddler costume?

    And yesterday, the White House announced it will sell a half-billion dollars worth of F-15 fighter planes to Saudi Arabia, which prompted Yankees owner George Steinbrenner to fire manager Lou Pinella.

    Dennis Miller: Hey, guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am out of here!

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Charlton Heston: 03/28/87


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    March 28th, 1987

    Charlton Heston

    Wynton Marsalis

    Ben Stiller

  • God Visits Oral Roberts

  • Charlton Heston’s Monologue

  • The Fruiting

  • The New Paper Chase

  • Church Chat

    Recurring Characters: Church Lady, Jim Bakker, Tammy Bakker.

  • Wynton Marsalis performs “J Mood”

  • The President Has Mustard On His Chin

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • The Sweeney Sisters

    Recurring Characters:Candy Sweeney, Liz Sweeney.

  • The Hustler Of Money

  • The Slave Drivers

  • Wynton Marsalis performs “One Mustaad”

  • UNLV Clarification

    SNL Transcripts