Department Store Sketch

Department Store Sketch

Marge Keister…..Jan Hooks
Doug Clipper…..Garry Shandling
Mr. Dingle…..Phil Hartman

[ zoom in on Marge Keister working the counter at department store ]

Marge Keister: Thank you for shopping at Bamburger’s, where a satisfied customer is our only goal! Thank you! Bye bye! [ giggles ] [ audience applauds wildly as Garry steps out of elevator and smiles acknowedgingly before approaching the counter ]

Marge Keister: May I help you?

Doug Clipper: Oh, yes. Hi. I’m Doug Clipper. And I’d like to return this sweater.

Marge Keister: Okay, fine. Do you have a receipt?

[ Garry flashes a knowing smile at the audience, stifling his need to laugh ]

Doug Clipper: [ laughs anyway ] No. No, I don’t!

Marge Keister: Well, now, I’m sorry, Mr. Clipper. No receipt, no refund. It says it right here. [ points to sign in front of the cash register ]

Garry Shandling: God, is she great, or what? It’s just like being in as department store. Good job, Jan! Jan Hooks, ladies and gentlemen, give her a hand!

[ audience applauds wildly, embarrassing Jan who’s trying to remain in character ]

Marge Keister: Um.. wouldn’t you like to see the manager, Mr. Clipper?

Garry Shandling: [ stone-faced at first ] Oh, right, the manager. [ getting back into character ] Oh, sure.. right.. the manager. [ turns to the audience ] I remember, I first met Jan in Los Angeles, even before she got “Saturday Night Live”. I met her at a party at Kevin Nealon’s house. He’s one of the cast members, he’s gonna be on a little later. I can’t wait to work with him, because he’s a good friend –

[ Jan sticks to her character ]

Marge Keister: Well, then, if you insist, I will call the manager! Mr. Dingle to Register 5! Mr. Dingle to Register 5!

Garry Shandling: Mr. Dingle! What a classic comedy name! Not as good as Shandling, of course.

[ Phil Hartman enters as a store manager, closely resembling .. from “The Jack Benny Show” ]

Mr. Dingle: YE-E-E-E-ESSSS??!!! What seems to be the problem?!

Garry Shandling: [ excited, to the audience ] Is this great casting, or what? Really. Good job, Phil, how’s it going?

Mr. Dingle: [ sticking to his character ] I said, what seems to be the problem?!

Doug Clipper: Oh.. uh.. well.. I have this sweater I’d like to return.

Marge Keister: But, but, but.. he doesn’t have the receipt.

Mr. Dingle: I see! Well, is there something wro-o-o-o-onggg with it?!

Doug Clipper: [ chuckles ] That’s great! Well, as a matter of fact.. it’s too small! [ holds up tiny sweater, laughing ]

Mr. Dingle: Oh, really?! Miss Keister, you don’t suppose Mr. Clipper here is trying to pull the woo-oo-ooll over your eyes?! [ laughs ] Did I make a pun?

Marge Keister: [ giggling ] I believe you did, Mr. Dingle!

Mr. Dingle: We’re sorry, Mr. Clipper, but we simply cannot give you a refund on that sweater!

Garry Shandling: [ to audience ] Ohhh.. they’re not going to take it back. [ audience sympathizes ] I make a great victim, don’t I? You know –

Mr. Dingle: Mr. Clipper! Mr. Clipper!

Marge Keister: Would you like to purchase another sweater, Mr. Clipper?

Mr. Dingle: Or try on some teeny pa-a-a-a-anttsss?!

Garry Shandling: Oh.. oh, right.. sure, Phil.. Jan.. hold on a second. [ walks away from the counter to address the audience ] You know what I hate most about sweaters? People who tie them around their shoulders! I hate those people! They think it looks cool. It looks like they can’t dress themselves! It looks like they’re home, going, “Honey, I can’t get this on.. maybe I’ll just tie it on, nobody will notice.” I always wonder if they have their socks tied around their ankles. Men don’t know how to dress. They should put expiration dates on clothing, so we know when they go out of style. God.. thanks. I love doing sketch comedy, this is great, isn’t it? I think it’s the give and take that’s so special. [ turns back to Phil and Jan ] Thanks, guys! Is this..? It was a great sketch.

Mr. Dingle: Well, thank you for shopping at Bamburger’sssss!!

Jan Hooks: [ removes her wig and glasses ] Give it up, Phil! Forget it!

Phil Hartman: [ groans ]

Jan Hooks: Thanks a lot, Gary! [ trns to exit with Phil ] We have to work the rest of the show with this guy!

[ they exit ]

Garry Shandling: Well, we’re off to a great start, don’t you think? Okay, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Girl-Crazy Obstetrician

Girl-Crazy Obstetrician

Obstetrician…..Phil Hartman
Reporter…..Nora Dunn
Ted Carter…..Bill Murray
Janet Carter…..Victoria Jackson
Louise…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on Obstetrician’s office – Reporter enters ]

Reporter: Dr. Hoffritz? Shelley Barnette, People Magazine.

Obstetrician: Come on in! Here, have a seat.

Reporter: Thank you.

Obstetrician: People Magazine. I don’t know why anyonewould want to read about me – I’m just a small-town family obstetrician.

Reporter: Well, my editors seem to think you have a very interesting story here. Now, I understand you’ve been working and practicing here in Radfield for 21 years.

Obstetrician: That’s right.

Reporter: And you’ve delivered over 4,300 babies.

Obstetrician: That’s right.

Reporter: And they’ve all been girls.

Obstetrician: That’s right. They’ve all been girls!

Reporter: Well, you know, that’s amazing! You know, myassistant back in New York actually calculated the odds of that happening. It’s over 1 in 700 trillion.

Obstetrician: Oh, no kidding. Well.. the important thing is – knock on wood – they’re all healthy and happy. I try to stay in touch with as many as I can. They’re like my family. They’re my little girls.

Reporter: It’s like a miracle. Not one single boy.

Obstetrician: [ checks his watch ] Oh, my goodness.. [ into hisintercom ] Louise? Would you send in the Carters, please? [ to thereporter ] I have an appointment – you’re welcome to stay, if you want, and take some notes. [ the Carters enter ] Hello, Janet, Ted!

Janet Carter: Doctor!

Obstetrician: How’s everything going?

Janet Carter: Oh, I’m doing alright.

Ted Carter: So far, so good. [ sits his wife down ]

Obstetrician: Well, this is Shelly Barnette, of People Magazine.

Ted Carter: Hello, Miss Barnette.

Janet Carter: Hi.

Obstetrician: They’re doing an article on me, can you believe that?

Janet Carter: That doesn’t surprise me. Doctor Hoffritz is the best!

Ted Carter: He delivered all seven of our daughters.

Obstetrician: Well, I have the results of your amniocentesis right here, and I’ve.. got some good news. Everything’s fine, the baby’s healthy.

Ted Carter: Dr. Hoffritz? Is it a boy?

Obstetrician: [ laughs ] Now, Ted, wouldn’t you rather be surprised in the delivery room?

Ted Carter: [ thinking ] No, Doctor! I’d like to know..

Obstetrician: Well, no. It’s a girl.

Ted Carter: [ slumps beside his wife’s chair ] I love girls! [ weeps ]

Janet Carter: You see, Ted wants a boy. This is our eighth try.

Ted Carter: We’ll try again.

Janet Carter: No. No more.

Ted Carter: Doctor, will this one need that operation?

Obstetrician: Yes, I’m afraid so.

Reporter: [ curious ] What operation is this, Doctor?

Obstetrician: Well.. every now and then, a little girl is born with a penis and testicles. And, of course, they have to be removed and reshaped.

Ted Carter: It’s quite routine. Five of our seven daughters have had this operation.

Reporter: Doctor, what percent of the babies that you deliver need this operation?

Obstetrician: Oh, I’d say.. 48, 49.. 50, 51% – in that area!

[ Louise the Secretary – a manly-looking secretary at that – enters ]

Louise: Doctor, here’s those reports you wanted.

Obstetrician: Oh, thank you, Louise! Louise here was one of thefirst babies I delivered. Louise had a big date last night. How did it go?

Louise: Oh, same old problem.

Obstetrician: Well, don’t worry, Louise. Mr. Right’s out theresomewhere! Well.. Janet and Ted, I’ll be seeing you next week?

Ted Carter: Thanks, Doctor.

Janet Carter: Bye, Doctor!

Obstetrician: Okay, bye bye.. Hey, Ted? Buck up. “A son is a son ’til he takes a wife; but a daughter is a daughter all of her life.”

Ted Carter: God bless you and all of your work, Dr. Hoffritz! [ exits ]

Louise: Oh, Doctor.. I’ve gotta leave early today – my electrolosis appointment.

Obstetrician: Well, of course, Louise, anything you want.

Louise: Thank you, Doctor. [ exits ]

Obstetrician: Well! Another little girl! Can you believe it!

Reporter: [ bothered ] Dr. Hoffritz, can’t you see what you’re doing here? I mean, the 48-51% – they’re not girls, they’re little boys! You have mutilated over 2,000 little boys!

Obstetrician: No! No, they weren’t boys. They were little girls.. trapped in little boys’ bodies.. [ music sweeps over him ] You see.. boys are.. bad. They have bad thoughts! Sometimes they disobey their mothers.. they have to be punished! [ sniffles ] But what do their mothers know, anyway.. [ weeping ] They’re out all night with “Uncle Rudy”! But he’s not my uncle! Why does she call him my “uncle”..? [ falls to the floor, crying ]

Reporter: Thank you, Doctor, very much.. I think I have enoughmaterial for my story now.. [ runs out of the office ] [ cut to photo of People Magazine with Dr. Hoffritz holding a baby “girl” on the cover ]

Announcer: This week in People, meet girl-crazy Dr. Jacob Hoffritz, the one in a trillion obstretrician whose favorite color just has to be pink! Only in People!

[ cut to Louise arm-in-arm with Martina Navratilova ]

And say hello to Martina Navaratilova’s new travel companion.

People celebrates people.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts