Don & Nancy


Don & Nancy

President Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman
Don Regan…..Kevin Nealon
Nancy Reagan…..Jan Hooks


[ open on exterior, White House ] [ SUPER: “The White House” ] [ SUPER: “Thuesday” ] [ SUPER: “February 26, 1987” ] [ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President Ronald Reagan speaking with Don Regan ]

Don Regan: Mr. President, the Tower Commission has completed its report.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, Don, you know, I’m glad this thing is finally coming out. And your future here as Chief-of-Staff depends on how you fare in the report.

Don Regan: Well, Mr. President, I brought your copy. [ hands over a bulky booklet ]

President Ronald Reagan: Oh, boy.. that’s a big one. How big is it?

Don Regan: It’s about 300 pages.

President Ronald Reagan: Oh.

Don Regan: I did take the trouble of preparing a summary of the report. [ hands over a less bulky booklet ]

President Ronald Reagan: Oh. Good. [ leafs through the booklet with wonder ]

Don Regan: Uh.. it’s about 27 pages long, sir.

President Ronald Reagan: Oh.

Don Regan: Perhaps you’d like to just scan an outline of the summary. [ hands over a few sheets of paper ]

President Ronald Reagan: Oh. Sure. How long is that?

Don Regan: 6 pages.

President Ronald Reagan: Oh.

Don Regan: Now, I havce an abstract of the outline. That might be the most sufficient.

President Ronald Reagan: Uh-huh.

Don Regan: Or, if you’d like, I could just as easily give you an oral report of the abstract.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, that would probably make the most sense!

Don Regan: Well, first of all, the report is all and all, pretty good.

President Ronald Reagan: [ excited ] Really? Well, how did I come out?

Don Regan: Very well.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, does it say I approved shipments of arms to Iran?

Don Regan: Uh, yes it does.

President Ronald Reagan: [ curious ] Did I?

Don Regan: Uh.. yes, you did.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, then, it’s a ogod report, and God bless the men and women who put it together.

Don Regan: Yes.

President Ronald Reagan: So, how did you come off, Don? I guess that’s the $64,000 question.

Don Regan: Well, actually, they said my behavior was beyond reproach.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, there, buddy! Congratulations! [ shakes Don’s hand ]

Don Regan: Hmm..

[ Nancy Reagan enters. She and Don exchange nasty looks. ]

Nancy Reagan: I didn’t realize that you were still here.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, as a matter of fact, Mommy, Don is gonna be staying on indefinately.

Nancy Reagan: Staying on?!

Don Regan: That is the President’s wish.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, I’m going to call it a day now, but before I go, I just want to say something. I can tell you two don’t get along. Now, I may not know much about foreign policy, or the budget, or trade relations.. or national defense. Or education. Or foreign policy. Or health, or social security, or.. the history of our country, really. Or how the different branches of our government work. But I do know one thing: people. And I’ll tell you something. The reason you two can’t get along is that you’re so much alike. now, I’m gonna head upstairs, and I want you to know, well.. that I’d like you to hash this out. And I think you’ll see that I’m right. Will you do that for me? Don?

Don Regan: [ sighs ] I’ll try, Mr. President.

President Ronald Reagan: Nancy?

Nancy Reagan: [ disgusted ] For you, dear.

President Ronald Reagan: See you tomorrow. [ exits Oval Office ] [ Nancy and Don exchange now-knowing glances ]

Nancy Reagan: Do you think he knows about us?

Don Regan: Not a chance!

Nancy Reagan: What about the Tower Commission?

Don Regan: We’re home free.

Nancy Reagan: [ grabs Don’s tie ] You know, I’m sorry about what I said about you to the press.

Don Regan: Ah, I’m not worried about that, Nancy. But, uh, isn’t there something else you want to say?

Nancy Reagan: [ coolly innocent ] What do you mean?

Don Regan: You know damn well what I mean! Howard Baker!

Nancy Reagan: [ laughs ] Howard Baker? Come on, we had lunch a couple of times, that’s all.

Don Regan: That’s not what I hear!

Nancy Reagan: Come on, Don, what are you saying?

Don Regan: I’m saying that I don’t trust you! I love you, but I don’t trust you!

Nancy Reagan: Don, I know you don’t mean that. It’s this crazy town, that’s what it is. I mean, in a little while it’ll be over, and then I promise you we’ll get away. I promise you that. [ tugs at Don’s jacket ]

Don Regan: I guess I’ve just been under a little strain lately. It’s just that you can’t trust anybody..

Nancy Reagan: Trust me! Come on, baby!

[ they begin to make out passionately, climbing atop the President’s desk and groping at one another ] [ President Ronald Reagan re-enters the room, smiling at the sight ]

President Ronald Reagan: [ to the camera ] See? They’re getting along just fine! I’m telling you – I know people! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

Salmon


Salmon

Female Salmon…..Victoria Jackson
Male Salmon…..Mark Harmon
Male Salmon #2…..Kevin Nealon


Announcer: The salmon. In terms of strength, endurance and navigational ability, perhaps the most remarkable of God’s creatures. In an odyssey of mythic proportion, they swim downstream to live in the sea. Then, as adults, they make the arduous journey thousands of miles back to the very streams that gave them birth. There, just before they die, they spawn.

[ open on Female Salmon spawning, as Male Salmon swims over ]

Male Salmon: Excuse, me, Miss, but, uh.. can I ask you a question? Are you spawning? ‘Cause.. I just thought if you were, maybe I could join you?

[ Female Salmon swims away in disgust, as Second Male Salmon swims in ]

Male Salmon #2: Hey, Mr. Subtle! Why don’t you just go up and grab her, for Gosh sakes!

Male Salmon: What do you mean?

Male Salmon #2: What I mean is: you know she’s spawning, I know she’s spawning. But you can’t just go, “How about it, Baby?” You gotta be romantic.

Male Salmon: Romantic? I’m gonna die any day now! I don’t have time for romantic!

Male Salmon #2: Look, I’m telling you, it works. I must have spawned with twenty female today. And what time is it now, noon?

Male Salmon: Twenty? Aren’t you afraid of getting.. salmonella?

Male Salmon #2: Aw, forget it!

[ Second Male Salmon swims away ]

Male Salmon: Hmm.. romantic, huh?

[ SUPER: “Later That Day” ] [ scene dissolves to Female Salmon in another part of the stream, as Male Salmon swims over with a larva in tow ]

Male Salmon: Excuse me.

Female Salmon: [ put off ] Oh, it’s you.

Male Salmon: Yeah, I just wanted to apologize for what I said before. Here. I brought you a little something. [ nudges the larva towards her ]

Female Salmon: Oh? Oh, really? Well, I am kind of hungry. It looks delicious. They’re really hard to find, you know?

Male Salmon: [ blushing ] Oh, that’s okay. It was a stone fly larva. I can find them. I just push over a big rock with my snout, and they’re all over underneath.

Female Salmon: [ smiling ] You can push over rocks with your snout?

Male Salmon: Big ones!

Female Salmon: Wow! You must be strong! I bet that you could break a twenty-pound test!

Male Salmon: Well, I hope I never have to find out – knock on wood!

Female Salmon: [ laughs ]

Male Salmon: So.. you from around here?

Female Salmon: Originally.

Male Salmon: Me, too.

Female Salmon: Oh, yeah, of course. I guess we’re all from around here, or we wouldn’t be here.

Male Salmon: It sure is beautiful, isn’t it?

Female Salmon: Yeah.

Male Salmon: I’d like my smallfry to grow up here.

Female Salmon: Me, too. You know, it’s so depressing downstream. Everybody’s just, “Me, me, me!” It’s like, “What can I eat?”

Male Salmon: Oh, it makes you sick, doesn’t it? I mean, that ocean water really hurts my eyes.

Female Salmon: Me, too.

[ they both start to say something at once ]

Female Salmon: [ laughing ] You go ahead!

Male Salmon: [ laughing ] No. You. You!

Female Salmon: Well.. I was just thinking about that waterfall about three miles back. I didn’t think I was ever gonna get over that thing!

Male Salmon: Oh, tell me about it! Boy! I think the key is, you can’t be afraid to look stupid.

Female Salmon: Really? You know, that’s so true..

Male Salmon: Hey! Watch this! [ he swims a backwards loop around her ]

Female Salmon: Wow! I’m impressed! You’re really good! You know, a lot of those mating dances are so blatant and mindless.

Male Salmon: Thanks!

Female Salmon: You know.. um.. I have a little place over there behind that boulder.

Male Salmon: Really?

Female Salmon: Yeah.. it’s sort of a little area that I hollowed out in ther gravel with my tail. You wouldn’t, uh.. want to come over and see it, would you?

Male Salmon: Well, actually, I was on my way to – Yeah, I’ll go over there.

Female Salmon: Oh, good! It’s just right over there, past that log.

[ she leads the direction, but a bear captures her instead ]

Male Salmon: Hey! Hey! Hey, let her go! Bear!

[ she swims back into the scene, crying ]

Female Salmon: [ in tears ] Did you see that?!

Male Salmon: Are you okay?

Female Salmon: I.. I think so..

Male Salmon: Damn bears! I hate them! You still want to go over to your place?

Female Salmon: Oh, gosh, let’s just do it right here!

Male Salmon: I think we’d better.

Female Salmon: I think so, too.

[ they begin to spawn together, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/21/87


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

March 21st, 1987

Bill Murray

Percy Sledge

None

  • Bill’s Missing Show

  • Bill Murray’s Monologue

  • Reach Out

  • One-Night Stand

  • Donahue

    Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue.

  • Nick Slammer

    Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer.

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • Girl-Crazy Obstetrician

  • Percy Sledge performs “When A Man Loves A Woman”

  • Il Returno De Hercules

  • Mikey Can’t Shoot

  • Honker Drives A Cab

    Recurring Characters:Honker,

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Garry Shandling: 05/16/87


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    May 16th, 1987

    Garry Shandling

    Los Lobos

    Tracy Ullman

    Los Lobos, “Is That All There Is”

  • Iran-Contra Hearings

    Robert McFarlane (Phil Hartman) gets upset during Iran-Contra Hearings.

  • Garry Shandling’s Monologue

    Shandling ponders what type of monologue he would like to do.

  • Department Store Sketch

    Shandling ruins department store sketch by breaking character.

  • The Puppy

    Masterful jewel thief The Puppy (Dana Carvey) acts just like a little dog.

  • Support Group Therapy

    Stu (Shandling) tells support group false stories about his mother (Jan Hooks).

  • Los Lobos performs “Is That All There Is”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

    Jimmy Stewart (Dana Carvey) speaks against the colorization of black-and-white films.

    Recurring Characters: Jimmy Stewart.

  • The Teeny Cafe

    Babette (Nora Dunn) warms the crowd at her Teeny Cafe.

    Recurring Characters: Babette.

  • Chewing Tobacco Airline

    Couple (Shandling, Victoria Jackson) endure flight filled with tobacco chewers.

  • “Hollywood Mom”

    Tracy Ullman’s baby doesn’t share her love for fame.

  • Anniversary Dinner

    Couple (Dana Carvey, Jan Hooks) still fight, despite marriage counseling.

  • Los Lobos performs “One Time, One Night”

    SNL Transcripts

  • Paul Shaffer’s Monologue


    Paul Shaffer’s Monologue

    …..Paul Shaffer
    …..G.E. Smith


    Paul Shaffer: Thank you very, very much! I’ve gotta say, it really is a kick to be here, you know? Being here at “Saturday Night Live”, it brings back so many memories of how it used to be back in those golden years. You know, the excitement, the ego crashes, the self-destructiveness, the neurotic obsessions, the panicking trips to the emergency room – I don’t know! I guess, what I remember most about it.. well, I guess it would be the ego crashes, actually, but that would probably be about it. But forget about that!

    Twelve years ago, I started out as a piano player in this very band right here. And it’s still a great band, it really is. It may not come up exactly to the level of my own band that I have on “Late Night” –

    G.E. Smith: [ offended ] Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

    Paul Shaffer: Well, really! I mean, you don’t even look like a band! You look like a bunch of waiters!

    G.E. Smith: See you later, Paul! [ starts to exit stage ]

    Paul Shaffer: Wait a minute! G.E.! you can’t walk out!

    G.E. Smith: Why not!

    Paul Shaffer: Why not?

    G.E. Smith: Yeah!

    Paul Shaffer: G.E., I seem to remember a little fresh-faced kid coming to New York for the first time, looking for a break in show business. And if I remember correctly, I think it was me who gave this kid his first job in a Broadway show –

    G.E. Smith: Yeah, but Paul, that wasn’t me.

    Paul Shaffer: No. It wasn’t you, G.E. But still, we go back.

    G.E. Smith: Way back.

    Paul Shaffer: I spent five years on this show, putting together opening numbers for everybody! All the guests, all the casts. This is my one chance to open up “Saturday Night Live” the way I always thought it should open up. Will you kick it off?

    G.E. Smith: Just for you, buddy!

    Paul Shaffer: [ singing ]“I want to tell you a little story, baby
    A story about a little show!
    I’m gonna tell you a big, bad story, baby!
    A story about a little late night show!
    Here we go!

    I said down by the skyscraper
    A skyscraper called 30 Rock.
    That’s 30 Rockefeller Plaza to you, baby!
    That’s where you’ll find me
    About 11:30 on the clock.
    I don’t want to miss that cold opening, baby, whoo!
    And I love that dirty water
    Oh, Saturday Night, you’re my home!

    Now, listen.

    Frustration, right onYeah, frustrated, got to stay up past five o’clock!
    That’s 5 a.m., that’s when they really start to jam!
    They crash out of nowhere, that Saturday night joy will rock!
    Oh, every night for 12 years, baby!
    And I love that dirty water
    Oh, Saturday Night’s my home!”

    [ guitar solo from G.E. Smith ]

    “And I love that dirty water
    Oh, Saturday Night, you’re my home!

    Oh, it’s nice to be back!
    Here we go!

    I want to stay there!
    I love Saturday Night!
    Saturday night, Saturday night!”

    Thank you, we will be right back!

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Bronson Pinchot: 02/14/87


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    February 14th, 1987

    Bronson Pinchot

    Paul Young

    Paulina Poriskova

    Buster Poindexter

    Paul Young, “War Games”

  • Liberace In Heaven

    Piano playing is all the censors will allow.

  • Bronson Pinchot’s Monologue

    Pinchot reflects on old girlfriend he’s avoided while in New York.

  • Amerida

    Canadian takeover of United States irks one American (Phil Hartman).

  • Nightline

    “Amerida” plausibility is discussed further.

    Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel.

  • Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue

    Paulina Poriskova makes plea on behalf of pre-teen boys.

  • Derek Stevens Sells Out


    “Choppin’ Broccoli” is re-recorded as Birds Eye jingle.
    Recurring Characters: Derek Stevens.

  • Babette’s Valentine

    Babette (Nora Dunn) fumes over suitor’s (Phil Hartman) choice of gifts.

    Recurring Characters: Babette.

  • Paul Young perform “War Games”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

    Jacques Cousteau discusses mating ritual of napkin fish.

    A. Whitney Brown’s Big Picture focuses on Senate pay hike alternatives.

    Dennis Miller wears a full-sized Body Condom.

  • The Life of Golda Meir

    Meir’s (Paulina Poriskova) good looks hinder Israeli war efforts.

  • Police Sketch Artist

    Sketch artist (Kevin Nealon) alters own face to resemble crime suspect.

  • Hardware Store Gigolo

    Armando (Pinchot) tries to make it with Marge Keister (Jan Hooks) in hardware store.

    Recurring Characters: Marge Keister.

  • Paul Young perform “The Long Run”

  • Miss Connie’s Fable Nook

    Lebee (Kevin Nealon) brings smile to Princess’ (Paulina Poriskova) face.

    Recurring Characters: Miss Connie, Koko, Mishu, Lebee.

  • Buster Poindexter performs “Heart of Gold”

    SNL Transcripts

  • Censored Liberace in Heaven


    Censored Liberace in Heaven

    Liberace…..Phil Hartman


    [ open on Heaven ] [ Liberace, dressed in flamboyant garb and angel’s wings, plays the piano with a flourish and a wide smile on his face ]

    Liberace: If you thought the censors were gonna let us do more than that.. you’re still living in the 70’s!

    [ continues to play the piano ]

    “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

    SNL Transcripts

    The Life of Golda Meir


    The Life of Golda Meir

    Golda Meir…..Paulina Porizkova
    General Dian…..Kevin Nealon
    General #2…..Phil Hartman
    General #3…..Bronson Pinchot
    Protester…..Jon Lovitz


    Announcer: NBC proudly presents.. “The Life of Golda Meir”.

    Starring: Paulina Porizkova as Golda Meir.

    Chapter IV: The War Years.

    [ open on Golda Meir’s private bunker, where a buxom (obviously Porizkova simply playing herself) Golda Meir heads a meeting with her generals ]

    Golda Meir: [ effeminately holding a cigarette in her right hand ] Gentlemen, we are under attack from two sides. Is this the end of Israel?

    General Dian: I don’t know about that, Prime Minister Meir, but I’ll tell you one thing. You are an incredibly beautiful woman.

    Golda Meir: [ smiling ] Thank you, General, that’s very kind. But, please, we must know.. how much time does the Army have to mobilize?

    General #2: I can’t blame General Dian, Madame Prime Minister. We all know that Israel is in danger. But with you looking the way you do, it’s hard to think about the war. You’re an absolute knockout, you know that?

    Golda Meir: Thank you, gentlemen, this is all very flattering, but, please, you must concentrate. Please?

    General #3: Wait. I have an idea. Perhaps, Prime Minister, your, uh.. fantastic figure and gorgeous face could be used to help the war effort.

    Golda Meir: [ interested, sits ] Go on.

    General #3: Perhaps if you were to visit the front in, say, a revealing swimsuit, it might provide our soldiers with a much-needed moral life. [ turns ] What do you say, General Dian?

    General Dian: Well, you know I’ll support any plan that’ll get Golda Meir into a revealing swimsuit.

    General #3: Well, Madame Prime Minister?

    Golda Meir: [ thinking, stands ] Get my leopard bikini ready. I’ll be leaving for the Golan Heights in an hour.

    Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “This docu-drama, while based on actual events, includes some ficticious material. The character of Golda Meir is a composite, based on that of the real Golda Meir and a beautiful young model.” ] [ dissolve to a protester holding up an issue of Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue with Golda on the cover ]

    Announcer: Tomorrow night, on Part V of “The Life of Golda Meir”.. “An Attack From Within”..

    Protester: Is this the person we want to lead Israel! This time Meir has gone too far!

    [ dissolve to Golda Meir accepting a Nobel peace prize ]

    Announcer: ..followed by “Triumph and Vindication”.

    Golda Meir: I humbly thank the Nobel Academy for this award. It’s nice to be recognized for something other than my looks. Thank you.

    Announcer: Tomorrow night, on “The Life of Golda Meir”.

    SNL Transcripts

    Sports Illustrated


    Sports Illustrated

    …..Paulina Porizkova


    Paulina Porizkova: Hello, I’m Paulina Porizkova. Today we live in a climate of increasing censorship. There’s the Meese Commission, the Moral Majority, and the banning of Penthouse and Playboy from 7-11’s. That’s why, now more than ever, the young man in your household needs Sports Illustrated’s annual swimsuit issue.

    It’s filled with dozens of photos of today’s top models wearing practcally no clothes at all. And it’s mixed in with enough sports scores and essays on thoroughbred racing to make it acceptable in any American home.

    Now, you could buy the swimsuit issue at the newsstand, where it usually sells out within an hour. Or you could do the smart thing – subscribe to Sports Illustrated. That way, you’re sure to get the swimsuit issue each January – and that’s not all. You also get 50 other issues filled with interesting articles.

    Articles about football, baseball and basketball. Plus occasional pictures of Laura Ball.. [ golf player showing her bustline during a drive shot ] ..Janet Stevenson.. [ golf player with more of a bustline during a drive ] ..Carlene Vasset.. [ tennis player whose skirt fluffs open during a shot ] ..and Julianne MacMamora.. [ gymnast whose panties can be seen as she motions on the parallel bars ]

    And, if you subscribe now, you also get a bonus: this Sports Illustrated “Do Not Disturb” sign.

    So, what are you waiting for? Remember, Sports Illustrated is an important part of growing up. Your kids need it.

    Dirty Bum: And I need it, too!

    Announcer: To get the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, plus the other issues, dial 1-800-999-WANK.

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Willie Nelson: 02/21/87


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    February 21st, 1987

    Willie Nelson

    Willie Nelson

    Danny DeVito

    Willie Nelson, “Blue Eyes”

  • Afterlifestyles of the Rich & Famous

    Robin Leach (Dana Carvey) interviews Liberace (Phil Hartman) in Heaven.

    Recurring Characters: Mephistopheles.

  • Willie Nelson Sings “Nightlife”

  • General Dynamics

    (Repeat) See: 10/11/86.

  • Great Moments in the History of White Trash I

    Party girl Audra Foley (Jan Hooks) is profiled.

  • Police Wire

    Mobsters set up DeAngelo (Danny DeVito) as he tries to snitch on them.

  • Great Moments in the History of White Trash II

    Welfare cheat Clinton Johnson (Kevin Nealon) is profiled.

  • Church Chat

    Danny DeVito plugs “Tin Men”, Nelson duet with Church Lady (Dana Carvey).

    Recurring Characters: Church Lady.

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

    Victoria Jackson performs handstand to review “Amerika”.

    A. Whitney Brown’s Big Picture observes China’s overpopulation.

  • Redneck Tanning Parlor

    Southerners redden their necks the new-fashioned way.

  • Willie Nelson performs “Partners After All”

  • Great Moments in the History of White Trash II
  • Pathological Liar

    Tommy Flanagan (Jon Lovitz) chats with Nelson in a bar,
    Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

  • Willie Nelson & Victoria Jackson perform “The Boyfriend Song”

  • Truck Stop

    Eddie Frank (Nelson) tries to woo truck stop waitress Anita (Jan Hooks),

  • Willie Nelson performs “Blue Eyes”

    SNL Transcripts