Category: 1986

Department Store Sketch

Marge Keister…..Jan Hooks
Doug Clipper…..Garry Shandling
Mr. Dingle…..Phil Hartman

[ zoom in on Marge Keister working the counter at department store ]

Marge Keister: Thank you for shopping at Bamburger’s, where a satisfied customer is our only goal! Thank you! Bye bye! [ giggles ]

[ audience applauds wildly as Garry steps out of elevator and smiles acknowedgingly before approaching the counter ]

Marge Keister: May I help you?

Doug Clipper: Oh, yes. Hi. I’m Doug Clipper. And I’d like to return this sweater.

Marge Keister: Okay, fine. Do you have a receipt?

[ Garry flashes a knowing smile at the audience, stifling his need to laugh ]

Doug Clipper: [ laughs anyway ] No. No, I don’t!

Marge Keister: Well, now, I’m sorry, Mr. Clipper. No receipt, no refund. It says it right here. [ points to sign in front of the cash register ]

Garry Shandling: God, is she great, or what? It’s just like being in as department store. Good job, Jan! Jan Hooks, ladies and gentlemen, give her a hand!

[ audience applauds wildly, embarrassing Jan who’s trying to remain in character ]

Marge Keister: Um.. wouldn’t you like to see the manager, Mr. Clipper?

Garry Shandling: [ stone-faced at first ] Oh, right, the manager. [ getting back into character ] Oh, sure.. right.. the manager. [ turns to the audience ] I remember, I first met Jan in Los Angeles, even before she got “Saturday Night Live”. I met her at a party at Kevin Nealon’s house. He’s one of the cast members, he’s gonna be on a little later. I can’t wait to work with him, because he’s a good friend –

[ Jan sticks to her character ]

Marge Keister: Well, then, if you insist, I will call the manager! Mr. Dingle to Register 5! Mr. Dingle to Register 5!

Garry Shandling: Mr. Dingle! What a classic comedy name! Not as good as Shandling, of course.

[ Phil Hartman enters as a store manager, closely resembling .. from “The Jack Benny Show” ]

Mr. Dingle: YE-E-E-E-ESSSS??!!! What seems to be the problem?!

Garry Shandling: [ excited, to the audience ] Is this great casting, or what? Really. Good job, Phil, how’s it going?

Mr. Dingle: [ sticking to his character ] I said, what seems to be the problem?!

Doug Clipper: Oh.. uh.. well.. I have this sweater I’d like to return.

Marge Keister: But, but, but.. he doesn’t have the receipt.

Mr. Dingle: I see! Well, is there something wro-o-o-o-onggg with it?!

Doug Clipper: [ chuckles ] That’s great! Well, as a matter of fact.. it’s too small! [ holds up tiny sweater, laughing ]

Mr. Dingle: Oh, really?! Miss Keister, you don’t suppose Mr. Clipper here is trying to pull the woo-oo-ooll over your eyes?! [ laughs ] Did I make a pun?

Marge Keister: [ giggling ] I believe you did, Mr. Dingle!

Mr. Dingle: We’re sorry, Mr. Clipper, but we simply cannot give you a refund on that sweater!

Garry Shandling: [ to audience ] Ohhh.. they’re not going to take it back. [ audience sympathizes ] I make a great victim, don’t I? You know –

Mr. Dingle: Mr. Clipper! Mr. Clipper!

Marge Keister: Would you like to purchase another sweater, Mr. Clipper?

Mr. Dingle: Or try on some teeny pa-a-a-a-anttsss?!

Garry Shandling: Oh.. oh, right.. sure, Phil.. Jan.. hold on a second. [ walks away from the counter to address the audience ] You know what I hate most about sweaters? People who tie them around their shoulders! I hate those people! They think it looks cool. It looks like they can’t dress themselves! It looks like they’re home, going, “Honey, I can’t get this on.. maybe I’ll just tie it on, nobody will notice.” I always wonder if they have their socks tied around their ankles. Men don’t know how to dress. They should put expiration dates on clothing, so we know when they go out of style. God.. thanks. I love doing sketch comedy, this is great, isn’t it? I think it’s the give and take that’s so special. [ turns back to Phil and Jan ] Thanks, guys! Is this..? It was a great sketch.

Mr. Dingle: Well, thank you for shopping at Bamburger’sssss!!

Jan Hooks: [ removes her wig and glasses ] Give it up, Phil! Forget it!

Phil Hartman: [ groans ]

Jan Hooks: Thanks a lot, Gary! [ trns to exit with Phil ] We have to work the rest of the show with this guy!

[ they exit ]

Garry Shandling: Well, we’re off to a great start, don’t you think? Okay, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
Jimmy Stewart…..Dana Carvey

[ Music Open: “” ]

Anouncer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

Gary and Lee Hart have announced that, in an effort to reaffirm their love for each other, they will take their marriage vows again and recreate their wedding ceremony. The event will take place in a small chapel just outside of Denver, and Lee said, “We will try to recreate the wedding as faithfully as we can, but we’ll probably skip the rice thing.”

You know, in retrospect, it’s a shame Gary Hart had to drop out of the campaign, because, while I never saw it before, for a while there last week, he really did remind me of Jack Kennedy.

You know, this might seem like a strange coincidence, but we did find this classifed ad in the Miami Herald personal section this week: “Single 28 yr old-Phi Beta Kappa blonde actress/model. Seeks horny famous man. Smokers and Democrats need not apply.”

Yesterday, reporters were taken on a tour of the Presidential Suite at the PTL’s Heritage Grand Hotel, used by former PTL Chairman Jim Bakker and his wife Tammy Fae. It’s a lavish layout with antique furniture, crystal chandeliers, gold plumbing fixtures, fifty-foot closets, and other regal trappings. Gee.. imagine what God’s place must look like.

You know, it was revealed this week that $92 million in funds are missing from the PTL’s coffers. Boy, these people are really gonna have to face the music some day, because, of all the sins in the universe, I gotta think skimming from God is right up there with the worst of them, huh?

In the privacy of an airborne Air Force One yesterday, President Reagan held a secret meeting with the ghost of former CIA director William Casey, where he listened intently as Casey detailed plans for bugging God’s office.

Yesterday, Fawn Hall was accused of sneaking classified documents out of the White House by hiding them in her underwear. However, Fawn is in the clear, since Oliver North was wearing her underwear at the time.

New York City is backing an ad campaign geared to warning heterosexual women about therisk of AIDS. This is one of the posters. She says, “I hope he doesn’t have AIDS.” and he says, “I hope she doesn’t have AIDS.” And it’s captioned, “You can’t live on hope.” To broaden the base of the appeal, a plan is under way to use nationally syndicated cartoon characters. Here’s a panel from a Nancy cartoon, in which Sluggo is thinking, “I hope she doesn’t have AIDS.” and Nancy is caught thinking, “I hope he doesn’t have a penis.”

You know, Weekend Update asked 100 doctors, if they were stranded on a desert island what pain reliever they would like to have handy, and 4 out of 5 doctors said they’d choose whatever McFarlane was on at the hearings.

Disneyland now has its own currency, Disney dollars, signed by Scrooge McDuck and usable as legal tender. However, there was panic in Anaheim this week when 10 million Disney dollars mysteriously disappeared. Fears were soon calmed, though, when it was learned the money had been misplaced by Goofy, the Magic Kingdom CPA.

Following the appearance of such figures as Woody Allen and Ginger Rogers, at Congressional hearings on movie colorizing, representative Richard Gephardt, Missouri Democrat and presidential hopeful, said he would introduce legislation aimed at ending the colorizing of motion picture classics. Those in the political arena are amazed that Gephardt would spearhead this effort, since he is the one entity in the universe impervious to colorization.

Dennis Miller: And now, with an editorial on the colorization of black and white movies, here is special Weekend Update guest commentator Jimmy Stewart. Nice to see you, Jimmy!

Jimmy Stewart: It’s good to see you, too, Jimmy. It’s good to see you. You look fine! Alright.

Well, let me get on with what I want to say here. Now, now, folks, I know you’ve been hearing a lot about this thing they call.. colorization. Now.. yeah, that’s what they call it. Now, if-if-if you don’t know what it is, it-it-it’s where they take a black and white movie – wh-which is perfectly fine the way it is – and, wi-wi-with a computer, a guy presses dommbie-doombie-doombie, and then the damn thing’s in color all of a sudden! Doombie-doombie, right to color.

Now, the cinematographers on-on-on these pictures, they’re artists! And-and-and their work’s being sabotaged by a bnch of high-tech bushwhackers, if you ask my, my opinion on th-this whole thing here. B-b-but who are these people? I mean, what else are they gonna do? Are they gonna take the Mona Lisa and paint a bigger smile on the gal? “Th-th-there you go, Mona, you’re happier now!” Yeah.

Wh-wh-what else are they gonna do? Are they gonna go over to Egypt and chop the top off of a pyramid and put a condo up there? “L-l-look, honey, from the bedroom, you can see the Nile!” And, like that.

You know, I-I-I mean, th-th-these people, they-they just make me so mad, you know? I mean, some things are just better left the way they are, if you aks me! These little punks, they just, they make my skin crawl! If-if-if I saw one of those punks trying to doombie-doombie to my movie, I-I-I.. well, I’d kick his ass! Now, just stop messing with my movies, that’s all I’m saying! Just leave them the way they are, they’re not meant to change! There’s no reason why you have to –

Dennis Miller: Take it easy, Jimmy.

Jimmy Stewart: I’m sorry Dennis, it’s just that I’m mighty peeved. And, no offense to you, you know we’re very good friends, but don’t push me, Miller, don’t push me! You know, why don’t you just get a haircut? It’s a little long, let me tell you. You might want to trim it there, b-b-but I’m sorry I got a little upset.

Dennis Miller: No, I’m with you. Alright. Jimmy Stewart, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Jimmy.The Census Department calculates that there are now five billion people on earth, and the number is expected to double by the year 2022 to ten billion people. The department also cautioned that the number of truly interesting people in the world will remain at thirty-eight.

The Bernard Goetz Legal Defense Fund Committee is soliciting five dollar contributions. If a Goetz fundraiser asks you for a donation, just hand it over and get the hell out of there.

Is it just me, or wouldn’t you like to just once see Nancy Reagan dressed up in Frank Gorshwin’s old Riddler costume?

And yesterday, the White House announced it will sell a half-billion dollars worth of F-15 fighter planes to Saudi Arabia, which prompted Yankees owner George Steinbrenner to fire manager Lou Pinella.

Dennis Miller: Hey, guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am out of here!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 23rd, 1987

Dennis Hopper

Roy Orbison

None

Roy Orbison, “Crying”

Easy Rider

Wyatt (Dana Carvey) and Billy (Hopper) survived their southern shooting.

Dennis Hopper’s Monologue

Hopper says it’s great to be clean and sober.

Church Chat

Hopper and Church Lady (Dana Carvey) discuss wilder days.

Recurring Characters: Church Lady, Jenny Baker.

Roy Orbison performs “Crying” and “Pretty Woman”

Frank Booth’s What’s That Smell?

Contestants must inhale odors and guess the correct smell.

Recurring Characters: Robin Leach, Tammy Faye Bakker.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Tommy Flanagan (Jon Lovitz) lies about client Oliver North’s innocence.

A. Whitney Brown demonstrates juggling act for the Class of ’87.

Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

Problem Drinkers From Outer Space

Drunken aliens (Hopper, Phil Hartman) give press conference on Earth.

This Week with David Brinkley

Sam Donaldson (Kevin Nealon) distracts panel discussion by leaning back in chair.

Recurring Characters: David Brinkley, George Will, Sam Donaldson.

Cannibal Job Interview

Cannibalism questions are raised during Hal McGowan’s (Hopper) job interview.

Roy Orbison performs “In Dreams”

Last Chance Gas Station

Small town car mechanic (Hopper) argues with businessman (Phil Hartman).

Sweeney Sisters

Liz (Nora Dunn) and Candy Sweeney (Jan Hooks) sing “goodbye” medley.

Recurring Characters: Liz Sweeney, Candy Sweeney.

SNL Transcripts

Easy Rider

Billy…..Dennis Hopper
Doctor…..Jon Lovitz
Wyatt…..Dana Carvey
George Hanson…..Phil Hartman

[ open on edited ending footage of “Easy Rider”, as Billy and Wyatt are shot off their motorcycles by a pair of redneck in a beat-up farm truck ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Mercer Parish Medical Clinic ]

[ SUPER: “Later That Day” ]

[ Billy and Wyatt exit the clinic covered in bandages, with Doctor close behind them ]

Doctor: How do those bandages feel?

Billy: Hey, man. They feel kind of tight, man.

Wyatt: Yeah. When can we take them off, man?

Doctor: Now, you just let those bandages be. You boys are lucky to be alive! What the hell did you say to ol’ Curtis, anyway, to make him so mad?

Billy: Hey, nothing, man! Like, he pulled up next to me, man. He said, “Why don’tcha get a haircut, man!” Like, you know? And he shot me!

Wyatt: Yeah. Me, too, man.

Doctor: Well.. these things will happen. Here, if you have any pain, here’s some pain pills for you.

Wyatt: [ moaning ] Oh, man.. I don’t need these, man. You can get strung out on these things, man..

Billy: [ slyly ] Yeeeeaaahhh. I’d better keep these.

[ suddenly, George Hanson, now more than ever a caricature of Jack Nicholson, ambles into the scene ]

George Hanson: There you guys are!

Billy and Wyatt: George!!

George Hanson: Why’d you go off and leave me like that, man!

Billy: George, man, I thought you were dead, man!

Wyatt: Yeah, man.

George Hanson: Nah.. just a bad hangover. I felt like I’d been whopped on the head with an ax handle. [ holds up bottle ] This stuff’ll ruin ya!

Billy: Yeah, man. I’ll take that. [ opens bottle ]

Wyatt: Hey, how’d ya get here, anyway, man?

George Hanson: Oh. I thumbed a ride from these two guys in a pick-up truck. They seemed like pretty nice fella, actually..

Wyatt: Well, I guess we’ll be moving on, Doc.

Billy: Yeah, now, uh.. which way, man? Like, give me the directions again to the barber shop, man.

Doctor: [ pointing ] Alright, now.. you just go straight down this road, for about eight miles. It’s right there.

Wyatt: Hey,sn’t there a closer way to go, man?

Doctor: No, that’s the closest one.

Billy: Okay, you ready, George, man?

[ hops onto the back of Wyatt’s motorcycle ]

George Hanson: Roger, Wilco!

Billy: Alright, buddy.

George Hanson: Maybe we should vacate these environs and motor north to Gotham!

Doctor: Get the razor cut – it’s worth it!

[ the three hippies start their bikes and exit the scene ]

[ pan to the motorcycles in motion, as the scenery zips past them, George waving his arms like in the “If You Wanna Be A Bird” sequence ]

[ Music Over: “Born To Be Wild” ]

Billy: George! Look!

[ Billy climbs on his bike and raises one leg in the air, causing George to laugh at his shenanigans ]

Wyatt: Alright, man!

Billy: Watch this one!

[ Billy grabs his handlebars tightly, then swings both legs in the air behind him, letting the wind keep his body flapping horizontally ]

Billy: Whoa!

George Hanson: Yeah!

Billy: You ready? Hey!

[ Billy jumps off his motorcycle and races beside it until he finally decides to jump back onboard ]

Billy: “Live, from New York, man.. it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 24th, 1987

Joe Montana

Walter Payton

Deborah Harry

None

Deborah Harry, “In Love With Love”

NFL Video Countdown

Joe Montana’s Monologue

Adobe

(Repeat) See: 11/22/86.

Pathological Liar

Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

Sincere Guy Stu

Crack Achievers

The NFL Today

Deborah Harry performs “French Kissin’ In The USA”

Mace Takes A Hostage

Recurring Characters: Mace.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Eddie Spimoza’s Jungle Room

Recurring Characters: Eddie Spimoza, Chick Hazard, Nancy Maloney.

Superbowl Gambling Memories

Church Chat

Recurring Characters: Church Lady.

The Michael Jackson Workout Tape

Deborah Harry performs “In Love With Love”

The United Way

SNL Transcripts

Super Bowl Gambling Memories

Announcer: And now, another “Super Bowl Gambling Memory”.

Narrator: “Super Bowl X. Miami. With the Pittsburgh Steelers leading the Dallas Cowboys, 21 to 10, Dallas Quarterback Roger Staubach fires a 34-yard touchdown pass to Percy Howard in the waning moments of the fourth quarter, making the final score: Pittsburgh 21, Dallas 17. The Cowboys, 6-point underdogs, have beaten the spread.”

Announcer: This has been a “Super Bowl Gambling Memory”!

SNL Transcripts

Sincere Guy Stu

Dan…..Phil Hartman
Leslie…..Jan Hooks
Stu…..Joe Montana

Dan: You know, Leslie, I could talk to you for days.

Dan’s Thoughts: Gee, I’d like to jump her bones.

Leslie: Same here. You know, I haven’t even noticed the time?

Leslie’s Thoughts: Gee, I wish he’d jump my bones.

Dan: [ checking his watch ] Whoa! I didn’t realize how late it was. You know, you’re welcome to spend the night here. In the living room.

Dan’s Thoughts: If she says yes, I’m home-free!

Leslie: Gee, you know.. I really shouldn’t..

Leslie’s Thoughts: I don’t want to seem too trampy.

Dan: Well.. suit yourself.

Leslie: Okay, I will! [ laughs ]

[ the sound of a car pulling up can be heard outside ]

Dan: Oh, great. That’s my roommate, Stu.

Dan’s Thoughts: Dammit! What a time for him to show up!

Leslie: Terrific! I’d love to meet him!

Leslie’s Thoughts: Oh, no.. he’s going to ruin everything.

Dan: I think you’ll relaly like Stu. He’s absolutely the most sincere, genuine straightforward person you’ll ever want to meet. A real honest guy.

Dan’s Thoughts: What a jerk he is!

Leslie: He sounds really nice.

Leslie’s Thoughts: God, he sounds boring!

Dan: Oh, here he is. Hey, Stu, come on in!

Stu: [ surprised there’s company ] Oh! I hope I’m not disturbing you.

Stu’s Thoughts: I hope I’m not disturbing them.

Dan: Not at all.

Dan’s Thoughts: God, he’s going to scare her away.

Dan: Uh, Stu, this is Leslie. Leslie, Stu.

Stu: [ shaking her hand ] Hi. I’m very glad to meet you.

Stu’s Thoughts: I’m very glad to meet her.

Leslie: Well, it’s nice to meet you.

Leslie’s Thoughts: God, this guy’s a stiff!

Dan: Leslie was gonna sleep in the living room. Unless thats a problem for you? In which case, she could sleep in my room, and I could sleep on the floor.

Dan’s Thoughts: Come on, you idiot! Help me out!

Leslie: You know, maybe it would be better if I stayed in Dan’s room, because we don’t want to inconvenience you.

Stu: Hey, it’s fine with me if you stay in the living room. It won’t bother me at all.

Stu’s Thoughts: It’s fine with me if she stays in the living room. It doesn’t bother me at all.

Dan: Thanks a lot, Stu.

Dan’s Thoughts: Yeah, thanks a lot, jerk!

Leslie: You know, you are so sweet.

Leslie’s Thoughts: Boy, is this guy lame!

Dan: Well, listen, Stu, I think Leslie and I are gonna stay up a while and talk, so I guess we’ll.. uh.. see you tomorrow.

Stu: Great! See you tomorrow!

Stu’s Thoughts: Great! I’ll see them tomorrow!

[ Stu heads upstairs ]

Leslie: Uh.. listen, we’ll talk quietly, so as not to disturb you, okay?

Stu: Oh, you won’t disturb me. I’ll be in my room masturbating.

Stu’s Thoughts: They won’t disturb me. I’ll be masturbating.

[ Stuart retreats upstairs ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 31st, 1987

Paul Shaffer

Bruce Hornsby & The Range

None

Bruce Hornsby & The Range, “The Way It Is”

Paul’s Dressing Room

Spoiled by “Late Night”, “SNL” may not be hip enough for Shaffer.

Paul Shaffer’s Monologue

Shaffer sings “Saturday Night – You’re My Home”

What’s My Addiction?

Betty Ford (Jan Hooks) hosts game show devoted to addictions.

Unexpected Visit

Paul’s synthesizer lends comments to surprise visit from two dates.

The Grenada Experience

Time-Life books brings understanding to 48-hour U.S. invasion.

Bruce Hornsby & The Range perform “The Way It Is”

The Pat Stevens Show

Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens, Charlton Heston.

Pat (Nora Dunn) talks hairpieces with Shaffer and Charlton Heston (Phil Hartman).

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Clips from the Ferdinand Marcos workout video.

Kevin Nealon struggles for message behind post-Super Bowl depression editorial.

The Sweeney Sisters

Recurring Characters: Chinge Change, Candy Sweeney, Liz Sweeney.

The Sweeney Sisters (Nora Dunn, Jan Hooks) perform a Far East medley.

David Sees “Radio Days”

Recurring Characters: David.

Obsessed David (Jon Lovitz) trades girlfriend (Victoria Jackson) for tickets.

Bruce Hornsby & The Range perform “Mandolin Rain”

Asociacion Mexicana Del Rinon

Sell your kidneys for profit.

“It Was A Very Good Year”

SNL Transcripts

Paul’s Dressing Room

…..Paul Shaffer
…..Dana Carvey
…..Nora Dunn
…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on Paul Shaffer talking on the phone in his dressing room ]

Paul Shaffer: I know, David. I understand. What are you gonna do? I know. Listen, alright, I know. So granted, it’s not the hippest atmosphere I’ve ever worked in, Dave, but you know, it’s not our show, but it’s on earlier so they don’t really have to be as hip. No, I know, they know. [ a knock at the door ] Look, Dave, they probably want me now. I’d better get going. Thanks a lot for calling, that’s great. Thank you, Dave. See you later. [ hangs up ] Come on in. [ Dana Carvey, Nora Dunn and Jon Lovitz enter, dressed as babies ] Hi, you guys!

Dana, Nora, Jon: Hi.

Paul Shaffer: What’s going on, you guys?

Dana Carvey: Well, Paul, what’s this we heard about you taking yourself out of the Sand Box sketch?

Nora Dunn: Yeah.

Paul Shaffer: Yeah, I did. It just wasn’t right for me, the sketch, you know. It’s great for you guys..

Jon Lovitz: Oh? Because you thought it was square?

Paul Shaffer: Oh, no, no, no..

Nora Dunn: Are you sure?

Paul Shaffer: No, no. Hipness was never the issue on this, really..

Dana Carvey: Come on, Paul, come on, you can level with us. Now, everyone knows you’re the hippest man in show business. And it’s been a long time since this show was considered hip.

Nora Dunn: Yeah, we really appreciate your hanging around this week. I know, compared to what you’re used to, it’s probably pretty boring.

Paul Shaffer: Hold on, you guys, don’t put yourselves down. You know, maybe this show isn’t what I’m used to. But it has a simplicity, it’s got a sincereity, it’s got a sense of innonence that I wouldn’t trade for all the hipness in the world!

Dana, Nora, Jon: Really?

Paul Shaffer: Yeah! Hipness isn’t for everybody. You guys have a different audience than we do.

Dana Carvey: That’s true.

Paul Shaffer: Sure, look at the demographics. The median age of your viewer is, what, about 51 years?

Dana Carvey: It’s more like 48, Paul.

Paul Shaffer: Well, whatever. Alright.. [ props up chart ] The average age of a “Late Night” viewer is, as you can see, is about half that. And they’re educated, too. Now, look here – the “Late Night” viewer is much more likely to open a restaurant in the next three years. Whereas, the “Saturday Night Live” viewer is more likely to have an operation. So, it’s not a very hip audience, and they’re not expecting a very hip show.

Dana, Nora, Jon: Oh, that’s great! Thanks.

Paul Shaffer: Let me tell you something about this whole “hip” thing. You know, being at the cutting edge, being hip, is not all fun and games. You know, if I had to do it all overagain, you know what I would be?

Jon Lovitz: As square as we are, Paul?

Paul Shaffer: Uh, well.. let’s just say that I would be squarer than I am now.

Dana, Nora, Jon: Oh, wow!

Paul Shaffer: See? Can you breathe again?

Dana Carvey: Paul, while we’ve got you here, let me ask you – what do you think the next hip phrase is gonna be?

Paul Shaffer: It’ll never change, babe. It’s still “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

“It Was A Very Good Year”

…..Paul Shaffer

Paul Shaffer: [ solemn and low ] You know, it’s been fun tonight, but sometimes after the fun’s over.. a man stops.. and reflects.

[ singing ]“In 1975
It was the very first year.
It was a very good year
For bees and “Never Mind”For laughs and getting small
And Chevy would fall
Something new had arrived
Way back in ’75.

In 1978
That was a wild and crazy year.
It was the year of the Stones
Of movie stars for hosts
And Brothers Czech and Blues
When Billy did the news
Belushi’s chauffeur would drive
That’s when that cat was still alive.

Then 1980 came along
That was Doumanian’s year.
Gets kinda foggy after that
Then Eddie Murphy busted through
Joe Piscopo sneaked in there, too
Then Ebersol cleaned house
“You look mahvelous” was the phrase
Those were some ten year heady days.

And now the days seem short
but, baby, this damn show’s still here.
We got a gang of fresh, young talented kids
I don’t quite know their names
But that Liar guy’s a hoot
And one of those chicks is kinda cute
We’ve launched some fine careers
It was a mess of good years.”

SNL Transcripts