The Crosby Show


The Crosby Show

Theo Huxtable…..Malcolm Jamal-Warner
Mrs. Crosby…..Nora Dunn
Gary Crosby…..Dana Carvey
Nathaniel Crosby…..Dennis Miller
Mary Crosby…..Jan Hooks
Bing Crosby…..Phil Hartman
David Crosby…..Jon Lovitz


[ open on Theo Huxtable lying in bed, Bill Cosby portrayed as just a hand holding a cigar from the doorway ]

Theo Huxtable: I’m sorry, Dad. I’ll try and study harder. I’m just really tired right now..

Cosby: No, no, Theo. You’re not going to try to study harder, you see? You will study harder. The man who climbed Mt. Everest did not say, “I will try to climb the mountain.” You see? Now, don’t leave this room ’til your homework’s done.

Theo Huxtable: Boy.. sometimes I wish I could be part of a different family..

[ Theo falls asleep, drifting into a dream of life with an alternate family ] [ the dream opens on Mrs. Crosby humming “White Christmas” to herself ]

Mrs. Crosby: Mary, Gary, Nathaniel, Theo! [ the kids come down the stairs ] Come on down, kids.

Gary Crosby: Gosh, Mom, when is Dad gonna get home? I can’t wait to see him!

Nathaiel Crosby: Yeah, me too!

Mrs. Crosby: Now, kids, your dad’s spent a long day at the golf course, give him time to relax.

Theo Huxtable: Golf? Are we talking about the same father here?

Mary Crosby: Wait a minute.. here he comes now! It’s Dad!

[ the kids all run to the door to greet their father – Bing Crosby ]

Bing Crosby: [ entering ] Well, well, well, who brought out the welcome wagon!

[ Title Card: “The Crosby Show” ]

Bing Crosby: Whoa, now! [ eyeing his cardigan ] Easy on the Pierre Cardan! Hey, Mom, how do you handle a thirsty dad?

Mrs. Crosby: Here. [ hands him glass of orange juice ]

Bing Crosby: Ohhhhh! [ sips ] Nice O.J., Mom. Not too sweet, not too tart! [ sits ]

Gary Crosby: Dad, Mom said we should let you relax, but we’ve all got stuff we’ve just got to talk about!

Bing Crosby: Boy, boy, this sure is a blustery brood bustling about! Well, a dad’s not a dad that doesn’t do his daddly duty! Alright, Gary, what’s got your goat?

Theo Huxtable: Excuse me..

Bing Crosby: One at a time, son, wait your turn. Gary, go ahead.

Gary Crosby: Well, Dad.. I’ve been having some trouble at school..

Bing Crosby: Ohhhh.. let’s see that report card. [ reads report card ] Whoa! Trouble in History. We’d better sort things out in the library.

[ Gary exits to the library, as Bing removes his belt before exiting as well ]

Mrs. Crosby: So, Theo, having any trouble in school?

[ we now hear the crack of Bing’s belt as Gary screams ]

Theo Huxtable: Me? No! no, no, not me!

[ Gary and Bing re-enter ]

Bing Crosby: Hey, is that better, son?

Gary Crosby: Yeah! Yeah, thanks, Dad! I’m gonna go study even harder now!

Bing Crosby: Don’t mention it! Alright, who’s next?

Nathaiel Crosby: Me, Dad! Me!

Theo Huxtable: I have a-

Bing Crosby: Wait a second now, wait your turn. Okay, Nathaniel, what’s needling you?

Nathaiel Crosby: Oh, it’s girls, Dad. I just can’t think of nothing else.

Bing Crosby: [ chuckles ] “Viva la difference”, I always say!

Nathaiel Crosby: Yeah. It’s Janice, Dad, you see I just don’t know what to say to her.

Bing Crosby: Ooohhh, tonuge-tied, eh? Let’s toddle over and talk turkey in the library.

[ they exit to the library ]

Mrs. Crosby: Anybody thirsty?

Mary Crosby: Oh, thanks, Mom. Hey, Theo, you don’t have any problems with girls, do you?

[ sounds of Bing’s belt cracking and Nathaniel screaming ]

Theo Huxtable: Uh, me? No, no, no.. no problem..

[ Nathaniel and Bing re-enter ]

Nathaiel Crosby: Hey, thanks, Dad. I’m gonna call Janice tonight!

Bing Crosby: That’s my boy! Mom, how about serving up Nathaniel here some Minute Maid? That Vitamin C is good for those bumps and bruises.

Mrs. Crosby: Alright, Dear.

Bing Crosby: Now, what was your problem, Son?

Theo Huxtable: Problem? Ha ha ha, I don’t have a problem!

[ doorbell rings ]

Bing Crosby: Wait a second, someone’s at the door! [ answers door to find David Crosby ] Oh, it’s my way-out son, David Crosby!

David Crosby: Dad, I gotta talk to you. I got arrested for carrying a gun at a concert.

Bing Crosby: Whoa! Packing a piece at a pop show, eh?

David Crosby: Library, Dad?

Bing Crosby: Well, you’ll get your turn, Son. Right now I have to deal with Theo here.

Theo Huxtable: No, no, no..

Bing Crosby: Come on now, we’ll settle things..

Theo Huxtable: No! See, you’re not my father!

Bing Crosby: I’m not?

Theo Huxtable: My father wouldn’t handle my problems the way that you do.

Bing Crosby: Well, what does your dad do?

Theo Huxtable: Well.. he sits me down, and he does five minutes of a nightclub act.

[ a thundering sound is heard, as the superimposed head of Bill Crosby appears at the foot of the stairs ]

Bing Crosby: Uh-oh! Looks like company.

Theo Huxtable: You see, that’s my Dad! Alright!

Cosby: I am the Great and Powerful Cos. You see. I’ve come to straightne out the confused boy.

Bing Crosby: Well, you’re welcome to use the library.

Cosby: Silence! Now, Theo, do you promise to obey your father, study hard, and keep your room clean?

Theo Huxtable: How did my room get into this?

Cosby: Answer the question!

Theo Huxtable: [ meekly ] Yes.

Cosby: That’s better.

Bing Crosby: Say, Great and Powerful Cos, didn’t you open for me in the Sands in 1964.

Cosby: That was a long, long time ago!

Theo Huxtable: Dad, I’ll do anything you say. Can I go home now?

Cosby: You had the power to go home all the time. You just have to click your heels three times and say, “I won’t try, I will.”

Theo Huxtable: [ clicks heels three times ] I won’t try, I will. I won’t try, I will. I won’t try, I will. I won’t try, I will. Ow! I won’t try, I will. Unh! I won’t try, I will. Here we go! I won’t try, I will…

[ dissolve back to Theo’s room ]

Cosby: Theo, how are you doing in there?

Theo Huxtable: Oh, Dad.. I just had the craziest dream.. and you were in it.. and I was in it.. and that fat guy who sang the “Wooden Ships” was in it..

Cosby: Enough of that, my son. I was just thinking if you’re having trouble studying, maybe you’d be less distracted in the library.

Theo Huxtable: [ hides under his covers ] Noooo!! Not the library!! No, not the library!!

SNL Transcripts

Donahue


Donahue

Phil Donahue…..Phil Hartman
Elaine Poldask…..Victoria Jackson
Phyllis Sykes…..Jan Hooks
Dr. Norma Hoeffering…..Nora Dunn
First Man…..Jon Lovitz
Second Man…..Kevin Nealon


[ Scene: Donahue Studio. Guests seated on stage, facing audience. Donahue stands in the audience bleachers with his microphone and cards. ]

Phil Donahue: Women.. are exploited in relationships! Because there’s a lot of men out there who live off them, who, who cheat on them, who, who off them, and then when they’re done using ’em, throw ’em out like last night’s garbage. [ applause from audience ] Yeah, but…you women are exploited because you want to be exploited. [ jeers from audience ] No, you want someone to take responsibility for your life and take responsibility for your problems. If I don’t exploit you, you’ll find someone else who will! [ to camera ] We’re in New York talking about women trapped in exploitive relationships.

[ Cut to “Donahue” title and theme music. Fade in to Donahue on stage ]

Phil Donahue: Elaine Poldask. You’ve been involved with a married man for eight years.

Elaine Poldask: Nine.

Phil Donahue: [ to audience] Nine years! [ to Elaine ] Why do you do it to yourself? You know, why do you keep coming back for more?

Elaine Poldask: Well, I only suspected that he was married five years ago, and then I asked him about it four years ago, and then I got the evidence three years ago, and then I confronted him with it two years ago, and finally he admitted it only last year, so really, to be fair, it has only been a year.

Phil Donahue: [ stares blankly turns to Phyllis ] Phyllis Sykes.You’ve had a string of degrading relationships.

Phyllis Sykes: Yes, I have.

Phil Donahue: Now, your last boyfriend.. [ reads cards ] ..got drunk, totaled your car, with you in it! Which left you in intensive care for over a year and.. [ Phyllis starts to cry ] ..during your painful convalescence he never visited you, he withdrew your life savings, spent the money on other women! Held orgies in your apartment, got you evicted.. [ lifts his head, stares effortlessly and shakes it in disgust ] ..and yet I understand you still live with this man.

Phyllis Sykes: [ suddenly smiles ] Well.. you would really have to meet him! David’s like.. he’s like a bad little boy, you know? He’s like.. he looks at me with these big puppy dog eyes, and I just.. I can’t stay mad at him.

Phil Donahue: [ in a low tone ] Now, he.. sold you to an Iraqibusinessman. Didn’t he?

Phyllis Sykes: Yes, yes he did. But his landscaping business wasfaltering, and there was – he needed the money, and David.. David neverintended for it to be permanent, see.

Phil Donahue: With us today is Dr. Norma Hoeffering, author of the book, Women Good, Men Bad. Doctor, you know, what the heck’s going on?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: Well, Phil, these women lack a basic sense of self-worth; they feel they deserve whatever they get.

Phil Donahue: Now, what prompted you to write Women Good, MenBad? Was it something in your personal life?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: I’d really rather not discuss it.

Phil Donahue: Oh come on now, doctor! [ paces the stage ]Isn’t this the kind of ivory tower, armchair analysis yousociologists are always handing us? Elaine and Phyllis poured their hearts out to us. Now surely you can tell us a little bit about your personal experience with men. [ convincingly puts one foot up on the stage, right in front of Norma, and faces down ]

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: My personal experience simply is not relevant to the topic. I am a clinical psychologist; this is my field of expertise. [ Donahue starts beating his head with the microphone ] I’m perfectly willing to enlighten you on why women stay in degrading relationships, but I will not discuss my personal life.

Phil Donahue: [ looks up and begs ] Pleeease!

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: Drop it.

Phil Donahue: [ stands up straight ] Elaine, you gave up a career for a married man.

Elaine Poldask: Yes.. um.. because he was married, he could only give me fifteen minutes notice before a date, so I had to sit by the phone to wait for his call.

Phil Donahue: And you had been a marine biologist.

Elaine Poldask: Yes. But it was impossible for me to go to sea when I had to wait for his calls.

Phil Donahue: Okay, we’ve got a caller. Are you there? Hi!

Caller: I know exactly how these women feel. I was in a degrading, exploitive relationship with a pompous egomaniac for years. My husband was never there for me emotionally because all he cared about was his precious career.

Phil Donahue: Your voice sounds familiar. Have you called us before?

Caller: It’s your ex-wife, Phil! [ hangs up ]

Phil Donahue: Well, Doctor Hoeffering, didn’t that caller make apoint? I mean, it’s not just the mistresses, it’s not just the girlfriends who get exploited. What about the wives? Aren’t you giving them the back of your hand, I mean.. well, have you ever been married?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: I’d really rather not discuss it, Phil.

Phil Donahue: Ever been engaged?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: No.

Phil Donahue: Pinned?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: No, I don’t want to discuss it.. [ reluctantly ] All right, I’m a lesbian! Okay? Are you satisfied?

Phil Donahue: [ turns to the audience ] Sir, you have a point?

First Man in Audience: [ stands ] Yeah, I just want to say that I don’t think all men are insensitive brutes. [ arguing between several audience members is heard from behind ] And.. I mean from high school I just never knew women who went out with guys who treated them badly, guys like me who are just looking for sharing and caring relationship.. someone to spend their life with..

Second Man in Audience: [ to his wife ] You’re making a fool out of yourself! [ wife gets up to leave ]

Phyllis Sykes: Excuse me. Excuse me please, I’m trying to see that very attractive man behind you. Could you sit down?

[ First Man in Audience sits down ]

Phil Donahue: [ to Second Man] Any comment?

Second Man in Audience: [ stands ] Yeah, I know what these broads need and I got it. Okay? You want a sharing relationship? I got something to share with ya! Okay? You want a buddy? Buddy up on this!

Elaine Poldask: Excuse me, do you live in the city? Do you need a lift home?

Phyllis Sykes: Phil.. uh.. are there any rules about dating members of the audience?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: Excuse me, any sisters at home like you?

Phil Donahue: Well, it’s a fascinating question, I feel we justtouched the tip of the iceberg.

Second Man in Audience: I’ll give ya the tip of the iceberg!

Phil Donahue: The name of the book, is Women Good, Men Bad. [ theme music plays ] Tune in next week..

Second Man in Audience: Yeah tune in to this next week!

Phil Donahue: ..when our guest will be Lee Iacocca.

Second Man in Audience: Iacocca this!

[ Donahue flings his arms up and walks to stage, talking with guests.Superimposed title display. Fade out. ]

Thanks to Rob Holtmanfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts