Judge Reinhold’s MonologueSummary: Judge Reinhold whistles a cowboy tune.
Bio: Judge Reinhold (1957-). Actor; films include “Stripes” (1981), “Fast Times at Ridgement High” (1982), “Gremlins” (1984), “Beverly Hills Cop” (1984), “Beverly Hills Cop II” (1987), “Beverly Hills Cop III” (1994); Emmy-nominated for his guest role as the close-talker on a 1994 episode of “Seinfeld”.
Wilson Trap DoorsSummary: Sometimes trap doors prove unreliable and operate erratically. But Wilson Trap Doors guarantees their trap doors will operate efficiently every time.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Al Franken’s one-man mobile uplink equipment is no match for an electrical storm in Florida. A. Whitney Brown’s Big Picture questions the presidential candidates’ potentials as effective liars.
Jorge Garcia, Nice Guy DictatorSummary: Not only is Jorge Garcia (Judge Reinhold) a ruthless dictator, he’s also a pretty nice guy. When a student protestor (Dana Carvey) throws a rock through his office window, Jorge makes him repair it immediately. When a newspaper reporter (Phil Hartman) prints a negative opinion, Jorge pulls his country’s advertisements from the newspaper.
The Cop & The ProstituteSummary: In this new sitcom from the fledgling Fox Network, a cop (Judge Reinhold) and a prostitute (Victoria Jackson) are an unlikely married couple providing viewers with laughs a-plenty!
When Great MindsSummary: Moderator (Jon Lovitz) heads a discussion panel with five of the greatest minds of all time – Galileo (Dana Carvey), Aristotle (Kevin Nealon), Joan of Arc (Nora Dunn), Jefferson Davis (Judge Reinhold), and Gengis Khan (Phil Hartman). The only problem is, none of them familiar with one another and they waste time making introductions.
10,000 Maniacs performs “What’s the Matter Here”
Pirate BirdsSummary: Two pirates (Dana Carvey, Kevin Nealon) discuss birds that would be more unique to place upon their shoulders than parrots.
Passenger 1…..Judge Reinhold Passenger 2…..Kevin Nealon Stewardess…..Jan Hooks Preacher…..Jon Lovitz
[ open on exterior, plane flying overhead ]
[ dissolve to interior of plane, which is overcrowded with passengers and looking rather unkempt ]
Passenger 1: Is it me, or is this plane really filthy? [ tries to brush dity off his shoulder ]
Passenger 2: That’s typical. This used to be a great airliner before deregulation. Then that big cocaine bust about a year ago. It really went downhill after that, it, uh.. it just hasn’t been the same.
[ a scalper walks down the aisle, reciting his rates as he passes people ]
Passenger 2: Cheap tickets, though.
Passenger 1: Yeah.
[ Stewardess appears from the cabin, and intercepts the scalper ]
Stewardess: Sir? Go on, sit down. [ he barely moves ] I told you – sit down. Go on. [ she runs him to his seat ]
Passenger 1: Well, at least more people can afford to fly these days.
Passenger 2: Yeah. [ turns his head ] See that lady back there with the two kids? With the laundry hanging over her seat?
Passenger 1: [ looks ] Yeah?
Passenger 2: I was talking to her – she lives here. She’s on welfare. The government pays for her to live here until some low-income housing opens up.
Passenger 1: [ becomes distracted by another sight ] Oh, my God! It’s a rat!
[ cut to a rat resting on another passenger’s meal tray ]
Passenger 1: Stewardess! Stewardess, look!! There’s a rat – there’s a rat eating that guy’s food!!
[ the Stewardess comes running forwardv to remedy the situation ]
Stewardess: Oh, I am so sorry! [ to the rat ] Shoo! Go on! Shoo! [ the rat disappears ] Here we go, I’m sorry. [ picks up the meal tray ] They sprayed the cargo hold yesterday, and all the rats and the roahes came up here. I am so sorry, I’ll make an announcement, okay? [ drops the meal tray onto the floor ]
Passenger 1: Unbelievable!
[ the Stewardess approaches the PA system up front ]
Stewardess: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, just a quick announcement before we begin our in-flight movie. I would like to call your attention to the rat traps that are being stuffed in each seat in front of you. [ passengers reachdown to pull out their rat traps ] Instructions are there, also – and, for each rat caught, you will get a free First Class upgrade. Our movie today is “Inside Annie Sprinkle”, and headphones are ninety-nine cents always. Also, if you’re alone, and plan on sleeping, we suggest you leave your overhead light on and check your valuables in the safe in the galley. Thank you!
Passenger 2: [ to Passenger 1 ] I’m gonna try making a call on the OTB phone, down by the restroom. Keep an eye on my bag, will you?
Passenger 1: Yeah, sure.
[ Passenger 2 walks to the back as Passenger 1 flips through his magazine ]
[ the Stewardess rolls a beverage cart down the aisle, stopping in front of Passenger 1 ]
Stewardess: Would you like a drink?
Passenger 1: Uh.. I’d like a glass of water, please.
Stewardess: Oh. I don’t think we have any. [ seductively ] Would you like to buy me a glass of champagne? [ grabs a champagne glass ] I love champagne.
Passenger 1: [ hesitantly ] Okay.. I guess.
Stewardess: You want one, too?
Passenger 1: Sure.
Stewardess: Atta boy! [ hands him a glass of champagne and sits down next to him ] So?
Passenger 1: [ sips ] Mmm. Good champagne.
Stewardess: Yeah. Do you like me?
Passenger 1: Sure.
Stewardess: Do you think I’m pretty?
Passenger 1: Sure.
Stewardess: [ puts her glass down ] Do you wnat me to be your girlfriend? I’ll do anything you want! [ rips her blouse open to reveal her bouncing breasts behind a black lace bra ]
Passenger 1: N-no thanks.
[ screeching sounds from under his seat ]
Passenger 1: Look! [ pulls up the trap ] Got one!
Stewardess: Oh! Oh, okay, I’ll take that. [ grabs the trap ] Thank you. Okay. [ puts the trap on the beverage cart ] Oh, and that’s gonna be twenty bucks for the champagne.
Passenger 1: What?! I’m not gonna pay twenty bucks for two glasses of champagne!
Stewardess: Look, it’s real champagne, dorkhead! That’s how much it costs!
Passenger 1: Well, look, I’ll give you ten, but I’m not gonna pay the rest! [ takes out his wallet ]
Stewardess: [ fastens her blouse and calls to the cabin ] Eddie!!!
[ a burly man appears, and stands over Passenger 1 ]
Passenger 1: [ frightened ] Okay, okay, okay – he-here’s twenty dollars! [ hands over the money ] But I’m gonna tell you – I’m never flying this airline again!
[ Eddie and the Stewardess walks away, as a now-disheveled Passenger 2 returns to his seat ]
Passenger 2: They took my wallet! They took my wallet.
[ a preacher-type stands at the front of the cabin holding up a bullhorn and a Bible ]
Preacher: Good news! The gospel brings good news of God’s grace! It’s in John, Chapter 3, Verse 16: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth on him should not perish, but have eternal life –” ]
[ dissolve to exterior of plane ]
[ fade ]
Judge Reinhold: [ still dressed as his pirate character, looks over at the parakeets on his shoulder ] Don’t you dare, don’t you dare! [ faces the camera ] I learned two things this week – the show really is live, and, second, that everybody really is terrific. There’s not a jerk in the bunch!
Mr. Carruthers…..Jon Lovitz Accountant…..Phil Hartman Employee…..Dana Carvey Salesman…..A. Whitney Brown Detective…..Kevin Nealon
[ open on Mr. Carruthers’ office, as his Accountant paces in front of the desk across a very obvious trap door ]
Announcer: Not all trap doors are created equally.
Accountant: Jerry, I was just looking over your financial report. And there are some very strange entries. I thought they might —
[ Mr. Carruthers hand reaches for a button below his desk that activates his trap door ]
Announcer: Some trap doors don’t respond fast enough.
[ the accountant continues to pace over the trap door, which fails to activate ]
Accountant: For instance – what is this Bahamas thing?
[ Mr. Carruthers repeatedly presses the button. As the accountant steps away from the trap door, it finally swings open. The accountant gives Mr. Carruthers a dirty look, as he smiles back meekly. ]
[ dissolve to second scenario – Mr. Carruthers standing behind his desk as he speaks on the phone ]
Mr. Carruthers: Yes. How about this weekend?
Announcer: Others don’t spring open cleanly.
[ an angry employee rushes through the door, clearly the husband of the woman Mr. Carruthers was speaking to on the phone ]
Employee #1: Jerry! I know about you and my wife!
[ Mr. Carruthers slams down the receiver and presses the trap door button. The trap door opens slowly under the employee’s feet. ]
Employee #1: Hey! Hey, what the heck’s going on?! What are you — ? Hey! Hey!
[ Mr. Carruthers kicks the employee down the rest of the way ]
[ dissolve to third scenario – Mr. Carruthers sitting at his desk as another employee enters ]
Announcer: Some aren’t even structurally sound to begin with.
Employee #2: Mr. Carruthers, I have this — [ he steps over trap door, which collapses from his weight ]
[ Mr. Carruthers pounds on his desk in frustration ]
[ dissolve to fourth scenario – a salesman showing a series of faucets to Mr. Carruthers ]
Announcer: And some are totally unpredictable.
Salesman: — I can give you an excellent price on —
[ Mr. Carruthers presses the trap door button, which opening trap door backwards, sending the salesman flying across the room. Mr. Carruthers again pounds his desk in the frustration, as the trap doors rock back and forth. ]
[ dissolve to Wilson Trap Door technicians installing one of their trap doors in Mr. Carruther’s office, as they explain the mechanisms to him ]
Announcer: But with Wilson Trap Doors, you get perfect droppage time after time, thanks to a patented dual-firing mechanism.
Mr. Carruthers: Fantastic. And it’s guaranteed?
Technician: Absolutely guaranteed.
[ dissolve to later, as a detective standing in front of Mr. Carruthers’ desk ]
Detective: Mr. Carruthers, I’d like to ask you to come downtown and answer a few questions. [ holds up his badge ]
[ Mr. Carruthers presses the trap door button, and the Detective drops down cleanly. Mr. Carruthers smiles. ]
[ dissolve to Wilson logo ]
Announcer: Wilson Trap Doors. Because with Wilson, it’s outta sight.
Pat Stevens…..Nora Dunn Elizabeth Dole…..Jan Hooks Barbara Bush…..Phil Hartman
Announcer: It’s “The Pat Stevens Show”, with your host, Pat Stevens.
Pat Stevens: Thank you! Hello, everybody, I’m Pat Stevens, welcome to “The Pat Stevens Show”! Now, Winter’s still here, and we’re weary, but Vogue tells us: Think Spring. That’s a good thing to think, isn’t it? Let’s do it. [ faux thinks ] Okay. I’ll tell you what I was thinking – softening the facial palette and toning the legs. Now, I’ve already lightened my palette, so let’s work on the legs, shall we? It’s a toning exercise, using our Vogue, so we’re going to extend the legs, flex the heels, and we’re ready.. to lift. And lift, and lift, and lift.. feel the burn.. and lift, and lift, and lift.. boring down, it’s not so easy.. raising it now.. and lift, and lift, and lift.. when it hurts, it helps. Let it burn. Hold it up isometrical. And exhale, blow it out and shake it out! Ooh, I feel good. Ladies, remember: no pain, no gain. So, we are ready to meet our guests today. Very, very special ladies, they are the Republican First-Lady hopefuls, running neck and neck. Welcome, please, Barbara Bush and Elizabeth Dole.
[ they come out and sit ]
It’s so nice having you both – of course, Elizabeth, you and I are old friends. And, Barbara.. well. I’d like to congratulate George on his starling victory in New Hampshire, he’s doing well in the south, he’s had a wonderful reign as Vice-President.. tell me – are you proud of your son?
Barbara Bush: Pat.. George is not my son, he’s my husband.
Pat Stevens: Oh, heavens! I guess I dropped a fly in your soup! Well, she looks so much older, I hardly think it’s my faux pas! I turn now to Elizabeth Dole – now, you and your husband have written a remarkable book.
Elizabeth Dole: Well, gosh, yes.. thank you, Pat. It’s entitled “The Doles: Unlimited Partners”. Because, Past, that’s what we are. It’s about our lives, and we’ve dealed with being a dual-career couple. Now, I am a career woman. I graduated from Duke University, studied at Oxford, got a law degree from Harvard University. I served in the Nixon and Reagan administrations, I was Officer of Human Affairs, I was Head of the Federal Trade Commission, and I was, of course, Public Liasion to President Reagan before I became Transportation Secretary. And now, I’m just helping my husband campaign.
Pat Stevens: Heavens! Have they ever called you Wonder Woman?
Elizabeth Dole: Aren’t you sweet?
Pat Stevens: That’s terrific! Barbara, I understand you’ve written a book about the family cocker spaniel, and you’re working on a rug.
Barbara Bush: Yes.. I have been needle-pointing a 14-foot rug for some time, on and off. The book is just something I work on occasionally, for fun. But I’m most interested in my work to combat literacy, and my involvement in support of the arts. I’ve raised five children –
Pat Stevens: That’s enough to turn anybody’s hair grey! I’d like to get back to Elizabeth, and your book.
Well, now, Pat.. it’s not just my book, it’s Bob’s, too, that’s really the point of the whole thing! And I’d like to share some of my advice for dual career couples, if I may.
Pat Stevens: Oh, my runway is yours!
Elizabeth Dole: Oh, thank you, Pat! Okay, here we go. #1: Have as many special times as you can. #2: Don’t allow work to crowd out the really important things. #3: Travel together as often as you can. #4: Men, send flowers.
Pat Stevens: Bravo! It’s about time somebody said it!
Elizabeth Dole: Well, I’m glad it was me! [ laughs ] #5: Women, leave little notes around the house.
Pat Stevens: You know, I do that. And I live alone! I tell you, it works. I leave little notes to myself all around the house – “You look terrific”, “Have a nice day!”, “Check your thighs.” I’m telling you, it works like a charm!
Elizabeth Dole: You know, it is the little things that count, Pat. I’m sure Barbara knows that.
Barbara Bush: Well, it’s important to stay together. I’ve been traveling with George this year, and I’ve enjoyed it, it rather surprised me, it was like going on a vacation, and –
Pat Stevens: Well, I’m sorry to cut your vacation short, but please do come back.. and.. freshen up that facial palette, live a little! Elizabeth, you are a gem, great having you. I’m Pat Stevens.
Elizabeth Dole: Oh, I think I forgot to mention Point #6: Talk on the phone.
Pat Stevens: Oh, well that’s self-explanatory!
Announcer: You’ve been watching “The Pat Stevens Show”, with your host, Pat Stevens.
Pawn Shop Owner…..Phil Hartman Woman…..Jan Hooks Man…..Kevin Nealon Second Woman…..Nora Dunn Third Woman…..Victoria Jackson
Pawn Shop Owner: Hi, can I help you.
Woman: Hi! Yes. I’ve never pawned anything before, but I have this item, and it’s.. well, it’s sentimental value..
Pawn Shop Owner: We pay full sentimental value.
Woman: Oh.. gosh, that’s great! Okay. Well.. here it is. It’s a moon, see?
Pawn Shop Owner: [ looking ] Hmm..
Woman: And those, they’re not real diamonds, of course, but.. my boyfriend gave me that..
Pawn Shop Owner: I know – he said he’d give you the moon and the stars if he could, right?
Woman: Yes, he did!
Pawn Shop Owner: Did he give you the star earrings that go with this?
Woman: No.. no..
Pawn Shop Owner: Too bad. It’s worth more as a set. [ thinking ] Are you still with him?
Woman: No. No, it didn’t work out.
Pawn Shop Owner: Hmm.. that reduces the value, of course. Let me ask you this: do you think he really meant what he said at the time?
Woman: Oh.. yes. Absolutely. Without a doubt.
Pawn Shop Owner: Okay. $65.
Woman: What?! Oh, that’s great! I didn’t think I would get that much!
Pawn Shop Owner: Hey, if he wrote you any good letters, I’ll be happy to take a look at them.
Woman: Well, thank you!
Pawn Shop Owner: Okay! [ she exits; Man enters ] Hi, what can I do for you?
Man: I’d like to pawn this item, it’s a plastic piano.
Pawn Shop Owner: Who gave it to you?
Man: My parents. You see, when I was a boy, I loved the piano.. and I always wanted to be a concert pianist, and this was just a symbol of, you know, how much they believed in me.
Pawn Shop Owner: Ohh.. so this is just a sad reminder of an unfulfilled dream, huh?
Man: Oh, no. I made it. I am a concert pianist. I play with the city symphony.
Pawn Shop Owner: Ohhh.. oh! So, this would be nice for you to keep forever?
Man: Oh, yeah!
Pawn Shop Owner: Your parents alive or dead?
Man: [ solemn ] My father passed away last summer.
Pawn Shop Owner: Mother?
Man: She’s still alive. [ a beat ] She’s not well.
Pawn Shop Owner: Look, I’ll be honest with you. This’ll be worth a lot more when she goes, believe me.
Man: [ silent ] Gee.. I really needed the money now, but, uh.. I guess you’ve got a point.
Pawn Shop Owner: Well, see, you would have to take less now, is the only thing.
Man: Yeah. Yeah. Okay, well thanks, I’ll come back.
Pawn Shop Owner: Okay, I’ll be here!
Man: Thank you. [ exits ]
[ two ladies enter ]
Pawn Shop Owner: Hi, can I help you, ladies?
Second Woman: Oh, my friend here wants to pawn something, but I’d like to buy a bronze baby shoe.
Pawn Shop Owner: Oh.. okay, sure. [ pulls out a basketful from underneath the counter ] Take a look through these, and see what you like. [ to Second Woman ] What can I do for you?
Third Woman: [ holds up toy plush dog ] Is this worth anything?
Pawn Shop Owner: Ohh.. let me see.. I’d say.. early marriage.. peace token bought at an all-night drugstore after he stormed out of the house after a quarrel?
Third Woman: You’re so smart!
Pawn Shop Owner: No, just a properly trained connesuer. Was he your first fight? [ she nods her head ] Ah. Was it about something that seems incredibly silly and trivial to you now?
Third Woman: Mmm, no. It was another woman. But he gave me a Woofie, and he promised he’d never do it again.
Pawn Shop Owner: He didn’t mend his ways, did he?
Third Woman: No. We basically have a marriage of convenience.
Pawn Shop Owner: I thought so. I can usually spot a fraudelent sentiment. I’m sorry, this little doggie isn’t worth the fuzz that it’s made out of..
Third Woman: But he was crying when he gave it to me.
Pawn Shop Owner: Cheap sentimentality. He might have been drunk, I don’t know.
Second Woman: [ finished looking at the bronze baby shoes ] Oh.. I’ll take this one.
Pawn Shop Owner: Oh.. oh, I can give you a deal on that, this kid was adopted.
Second Woman: Oh, super! Do you have any old yearbooks?
Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, you lose yours?
Second Woman: Yeah. I was ’69. Any Catholic high school yearbook will do.
Pawn Shop Owner: Sure. In the back.
Second Woman: Oh, okay. And, uh.. what about those fraternity pins? I need one that’s engraved “Judy”.
Pawn Shop Owner: Uh.. in the back. Yeah, they’re alphabetized back there.
Thank you. [ goes to the back room ]
Third Woman: Um.. just out of curiosity, what kind of items are worth the most?
Pawn Shop Owner: Well, the high end of this market is pretty stable. Anything from a child, a handmade items that took a lot of time and thought. Oh! The other day I had a lady come in, and she dropped off all her kids’ drawings! They’re selling like hotcakes!
Third Woman: Wow. Um.. thanks for the appraisal.
Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, sure thing. Listen, come back sometime with an item that means something to you, and we’ll do business.
Third Woman: Okay!
Pawn Shop Owner: Okay. [ Second Woman returns ] Find anything you need?
Second Woman: Yeah. You want to ring things up for me?
Pawn Shop Owner: [ notices her finger ] Oh, whoa! Whoa! What is that on your finger, next to the diamond?
Second Woman: Oh, that’s just a plastic gumball machine ring. Yeah, when Paul and I got married, we were so poor he gave this to me as a wedding ring.. of course, later he gave me the two-karat diamond, but..
Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, this one’s exquisite!
Second Woman: Yeah.. I like to wear it, you know? We were.. so young then.
Pawn Shop Owner: Boy.. the piece is absolutely first-rate. Absolutely first-rate! I mean, we’re talking.. over a thou! Yeah! Listen, promise if you ever want to pawn it, you’ll come back here!
Second Woman: Alright, I will!
Pawn Shop Owner: Okay, I’d love to get my hands on that! [ phone rings ] Excuse me. Hello, Downtown Pawn! Pardon? Oh, your parents wedding album? And your grandmother’s diary? Sure, I’ll take them! Your father’s ashes? Yeah, yeah! I can keep the store open another hour!
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with your anchorperson, Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?
Congressman Richard Gephardt has posted a $5,000 reward for the return of his eyebrows, which he says he lost on the campaign trail. The reward is in cash, and no questions will be asked.
Republicans George Bush and Jack Kemp were the only two candidates in last night’s Dallas, Texas debate. The other two remaining presidential contenders, Pat Robertson and Bob Dole, decided to just slug it out in the ring, saying the public was tired of hearing words, and craved a little action.
The winner was expected to fight Dan Rather at Caeser’s Palace in November.
You know who this is? Unbelievable. This is George Bush, Jr. He’s really so much better looking than his father, isn’t he? I mean, like a million trillion times, really. I betcha the old man hates him!
Since Ricky Skaggs endorsed Pat Robertson, political experts point to Robertson’s incredible showing with the Skagg vote in Iowa.
At this point, I’d like to make a correction. Last week I referred to Gary Hart as a presidential hopeful. He is an ex-Senator.
After throwing his support behind Bob Dole’s candidacy last week, Al Haig has been showing up at Dole rallies stinking drunk, demanding a little pocket money.
Dennis Miller: Well, the Olympics are stirring up a lot of excitement, and our own Kevin Nealon just returned from Calgary, and is here now with a firsthand report. Kevin?
Kevin Nealon: Thanks, Dennis. You know, it was really exciting, the Olympics. Now, I’m not an authority on the Winter Games, but just to be part of that whole, you know, environment was exhilirating. You know, even during the.. uh.. uh.. I want to say suppositories, but that, uh.. the preliminaries! Even during the preliminaries, it was exciting.
And Calgary is great, it was just jammed with people, too. I’m not a good judge on crowds, but I’d say there was.. 174 people there.. and, really, you couldn’t move! You know what I really liked, though, was the, uh.. the, uh.. I want to say breast-fed, but that’s not it.. uh.. the bobsled event. I was watching that, and those guys are crazy! They shoot down that thing! I’m not a good judge on speed, but they must be going at least.. 925 miles per hour. You know, they’re wearing those, uh.. I want to say Cocoa Puffs.. uh.. no.. helmets. They’re wearing helmets! And they’re going so fast, you know that even under those helmets their hair must be whiping back like crazy!
What scares me the most, though, is when the sled goes up on its side. It’s kind of like watching one of those, what do you call it.. I want to say lemon meringue.. catamaran! Like watching a catamaran. And you know what’s even crazier than the bobsled? I want to say luge.. but I don’t even think that’s a word!
Anyway, anyway.. as far as the United States winning some gold medals, all I can say is – it’s not over. There’s still a chance. It’s just like when Washington beat the Broncos in the Superbowl. you know, nobody thought that.. thought.. uh.. I’m not good with names.. I want to say Connie Chung, but she’s not, uh.. alright, just for the sake of finishing this, let’s just leave it at Connie Chung. nobody thought Connie Chung would be the first black quarterback to win a Superbowl. And, it’s the same thing with that Austrian.. uh.. Buddy Ebsen.. when he won the giant.. salmon.. four years ago, at the Winter Games in.. Sergio Leoni.
So there’s still hope. Back to you, Larry.
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Kevin. Thank you. Kevin Nealon.
In a surprise vote last night, the Senate approved a third term for President Reagan. However, they cancelled his first two terms, declaring them absolutely worthless.
Judge Anthony Kennedy took his place on the Supreme Court bench on Thursday. After the administration of the oath, the judges retired to a private party in their chambers, where Kennedy learned the secret handshake, chugged a pint of slow gin, and made the traditional run around the Lincoln Memorial wearing nothing but his robe and a brassiere.
A rival ministry has accused Rev. Jimmy Swaggert of adultery, claiming to have pictures of Swaggert leaving a hotel room with a known prostitute. Naturally, a multi-millionaire dollar slander suit has been filed – by the prostitute.
Even though Austrian President Kurt Waldheim has vowed not to step down, his party is readying a replacement – Sgt. Heinz Schultz. When asked about Nazi atrocity, Schultz replied, “I know nuthing! I see nuthing!”Dennis Miller: [ grabs piece of paper handed to him ] This just in: “There’s nothing in this piece of paper in my hand. It is just a prop to make the news look more authentic.”
This week, President Reagan sent Congress next year’s budget proposals, totalling nearly $1.1 trillion. For further explanation, here is “Weekend Update” correspondent Jon Lovitz. Hello, Jon.
Jon Lovitz: Thank you, Dennis! The national budget is so complicated, you have to be a genius to understand it. You also have to be important, famous and successful. You say you’re none of these? Well, then, I have one piece of advice for you – Get to know me!Get to know my likes, my dislikes. What makes me tick? What makes me me? What’s my favorite color? Do I always come to life in the Spring? Get to know me!
Now, here’s a letter from a man who lives in Manhatten: “Dear Jon, before I got to know you, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody. I didn’t have a cent to my name. In fact, I didn’t have a name – I couldn’t afford one. And then I got to know you, and today they call me Donald Trump!” Get to know me!
What do I do in my spare time? Have I always had this much hair? Where is my secret freckle? Get to know me!
Now, here’s a letter from a woman who lives in Europe: “Dear Jon, before I got to know you, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody. I had bad teeth and couldn’t afford braces. And then one day, I got to know you. Well, I never got those braces, but today they call me Queen Elizabeth!” Get to know me!
Now, here’s a letter from someone who didn’t get to know me: “Dear Blank, I didn’t get to know you, signed Nobody.” Now, I know some of you are probably thinking, “What a jerk!” Congratulations! You’re getting to know me! So, remember, if you want to get to know me, get to know me!
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Jon. Thank you. Thank you, Jon. You know, the really sick thing is, I know where his secret freckle is.
Once again, director Steven Spielberg was spurned by the Academy Award nominations. This week, Spielberg enlisted the aid of a close friend and former employee to express his feelings to the Academy.
You know, Chevy Chase is hosting this year’s Academy Awards show. And they told me this was a dead-end job.
Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Justine Bateman!
Justine Bateman: Thanks! Thanks – you know, I’m really glad to be here – I’m really glad to be here on Valentine’s Day, because it’s my favorite holiday. And, uh, not that this day doesn’t have its problems. I mean ,what do you get a guy for Valentine’s Day? I mean, guys are lucky – they can give a girl flowers, or candy, or jewelry, or.. or a car. Or an.. incredibly expensive car. But, what do you give them? Because guys are so easily embarrassed, you know? I mean, I remember the very first valentine I gave to a very special boy. He, uh, looked at me, and, uh, he looked at the valetine; his friends laughed, and he ran away. And I felt very sad. But he came up to me after recess, and he, uh, he handed me a frog. And, I don’t know if he kept my valentine, but I-I-I still have that frog. It’s in my room, it’s hanging on my wall. Well, now it looks like, uh, one of those dried peppers that you see in the windows of Mexican restaurants. Yeah.
But, you know, have you ever heard the real story of Valentine’s Day? It’s wonderful. St. Valentine was a priest in ancient Rome. He was a simple man who believed in the power of love. And he went against the Roman law to perform secret marriages for the soldiers and their sweethearts. Now, when Emporer Claudius found out what the priest was doing, he became so angry that he imprisoned the man, tortured him, cut off his hands and hung them on the city gates, where they remained until they looked like.. well.. those little red peppers that you see in the windows of Mexican restaurants. He died on February 14th, and that’s why we call it St. Valentine’s Day. Isn’t that a beautiful story? I love it. [ audience applauds ] But.. it’s – except for that torture part. And that part about cutting off the hands. And the death part.
Anyway – I think, tonight, you should watch the show with somebody that you love. and if you don’t have anyone, I’ll be your Valentine. We’ve got a great show. We’ve got Terence Trent D’arby, so stick around, we’ll be right back. [ turns to face the band ] Guys, play me a love song!
[ the SNL Band accomodates Justine by playing a jazzy instrumental version of “La-La Means I Love You” ]