SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 02/20/88: The Pat Stevens Show



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12



87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

The Pat Stevens Show

Pat Stevens…..Nora Dunn
Elizabeth Dole…..Jan Hooks
Barbara Bush…..Phil Hartman

Announcer: It’s “The Pat Stevens Show”, with your host, Pat Stevens.

Pat Stevens: Thank you! Hello, everybody, I’m Pat Stevens, welcome to “The Pat Stevens Show”! Now, Winter’s still here, and we’re weary, but Vogue tells us: Think Spring. That’s a good thing to think, isn’t it? Let’s do it. [ faux thinks ] Okay. I’ll tell you what I was thinking – softening the facial palette and toning the legs. Now, I’ve already lightened my palette, so let’s work on the legs, shall we? It’s a toning exercise, using our Vogue, so we’re going to extend the legs, flex the heels, and we’re ready.. to lift. And lift, and lift, and lift.. feel the burn.. and lift, and lift, and lift.. boring down, it’s not so easy.. raising it now.. and lift, and lift, and lift.. when it hurts, it helps. Let it burn. Hold it up isometrical. And exhale, blow it out and shake it out! Ooh, I feel good. Ladies, remember: no pain, no gain. So, we are ready to meet our guests today. Very, very special ladies, they are the Republican First-Lady hopefuls, running neck and neck. Welcome, please, Barbara Bush and Elizabeth Dole.

[ they come out and sit ]

It’s so nice having you both – of course, Elizabeth, you and I are old friends. And, Barbara.. well. I’d like to congratulate George on his starling victory in New Hampshire, he’s doing well in the south, he’s had a wonderful reign as Vice-President.. tell me – are you proud of your son?

Barbara Bush: Pat.. George is not my son, he’s my husband.

Pat Stevens: Oh, heavens! I guess I dropped a fly in your soup! Well, she looks so much older, I hardly think it’s my faux pas! I turn now to Elizabeth Dole – now, you and your husband have written a remarkable book.

Elizabeth Dole: Well, gosh, yes.. thank you, Pat. It’s entitled “The Doles: Unlimited Partners”. Because, Past, that’s what we are. It’s about our lives, and we’ve dealed with being a dual-career couple. Now, I am a career woman. I graduated from Duke University, studied at Oxford, got a law degree from Harvard University. I served in the Nixon and Reagan administrations, I was Officer of Human Affairs, I was Head of the Federal Trade Commission, and I was, of course, Public Liasion to President Reagan before I became Transportation Secretary. And now, I’m just helping my husband campaign.

Pat Stevens: Heavens! Have they ever called you Wonder Woman?

Elizabeth Dole: Aren’t you sweet?

Pat Stevens: That’s terrific! Barbara, I understand you’ve written a book about the family cocker spaniel, and you’re working on a rug.

Barbara Bush: Yes.. I have been needle-pointing a 14-foot rug for some time, on and off. The book is just something I work on occasionally, for fun. But I’m most interested in my work to combat literacy, and my involvement in support of the arts. I’ve raised five children –

Pat Stevens: That’s enough to turn anybody’s hair grey! I’d like to get back to Elizabeth, and your book.

Well, now, Pat.. it’s not just my book, it’s Bob’s, too, that’s really the point of the whole thing! And I’d like to share some of my advice for dual career couples, if I may.

Pat Stevens: Oh, my runway is yours!

Elizabeth Dole: Oh, thank you, Pat! Okay, here we go. #1: Have as many special times as you can. #2: Don’t allow work to crowd out the really important things. #3: Travel together as often as you can. #4: Men, send flowers.

Pat Stevens: Bravo! It’s about time somebody said it!

Elizabeth Dole: Well, I’m glad it was me! [ laughs ] #5: Women, leave little notes around the house.

Pat Stevens: You know, I do that. And I live alone! I tell you, it works. I leave little notes to myself all around the house – “You look terrific”, “Have a nice day!”, “Check your thighs.” I’m telling you, it works like a charm!

Elizabeth Dole: You know, it is the little things that count, Pat. I’m sure Barbara knows that.

Barbara Bush: Well, it’s important to stay together. I’ve been traveling with George this year, and I’ve enjoyed it, it rather surprised me, it was like going on a vacation, and –

Pat Stevens: Well, I’m sorry to cut your vacation short, but please do come back.. and.. freshen up that facial palette, live a little! Elizabeth, you are a gem, great having you. I’m Pat Stevens.

Elizabeth Dole: Oh, I think I forgot to mention Point #6: Talk on the phone.

Pat Stevens: Oh, well that’s self-explanatory!

Announcer: You’ve been watching “The Pat Stevens Show”, with your host, Pat Stevens.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 02/20/88: Sentimental Pawn Shop



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12




87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Sentimental Pawn Shop

Pawn Shop Owner…..Phil Hartman
Woman…..Jan Hooks
Man…..Kevin Nealon
Second Woman…..Nora Dunn
Third Woman…..Victoria Jackson

Woman: Hello.

Pawn Shop Owner: Hi, can I help you.

Woman: Hi! Yes. I’ve never pawned anything before, but I have this item, and it’s.. well, it’s sentimental value..

Pawn Shop Owner: We pay full sentimental value.

Woman: Oh.. gosh, that’s great! Okay. Well.. here it is. It’s a moon, see?

Pawn Shop Owner: [ looking ] Hmm..

Woman: And those, they’re not real diamonds, of course, but.. my boyfriend gave me that..

Pawn Shop Owner: I know – he said he’d give you the moon and the stars if he could, right?

Woman: Yes, he did!

Pawn Shop Owner: Did he give you the star earrings that go with this?

Woman: No.. no..

Pawn Shop Owner: Too bad. It’s worth more as a set. [ thinking ] Are you still with him?

Woman: No. No, it didn’t work out.

Pawn Shop Owner: Hmm.. that reduces the value, of course. Let me ask you this: do you think he really meant what he said at the time?

Woman: Oh.. yes. Absolutely. Without a doubt.

Pawn Shop Owner: Okay. $65.

Woman: What?! Oh, that’s great! I didn’t think I would get that much!

Pawn Shop Owner: Hey, if he wrote you any good letters, I’ll be happy to take a look at them.

Woman: Well, thank you!

Pawn Shop Owner: Okay! [ she exits; Man enters ] Hi, what can I do for you?

Man: I’d like to pawn this item, it’s a plastic piano.

Pawn Shop Owner: Who gave it to you?

Man: My parents. You see, when I was a boy, I loved the piano.. and I always wanted to be a concert pianist, and this was just a symbol of, you know, how much they believed in me.

Pawn Shop Owner: Ohh.. so this is just a sad reminder of an unfulfilled dream, huh?

Man: Oh, no. I made it. I am a concert pianist. I play with the city symphony.

Pawn Shop Owner: Ohhh.. oh! So, this would be nice for you to keep forever?

Man: Oh, yeah!

Pawn Shop Owner: Your parents alive or dead?

Man: [ solemn ] My father passed away last summer.

Pawn Shop Owner: Mother?

Man: She’s still alive. [ a beat ] She’s not well.

Pawn Shop Owner: Look, I’ll be honest with you. This’ll be worth a lot more when she goes, believe me.

Man: [ silent ] Gee.. I really needed the money now, but, uh.. I guess you’ve got a point.

Pawn Shop Owner: Well, see, you would have to take less now, is the only thing.

Man: Yeah. Yeah. Okay, well thanks, I’ll come back.

Pawn Shop Owner: Okay, I’ll be here!

Man: Thank you. [ exits ]

[ two ladies enter ]

Pawn Shop Owner: Hi, can I help you, ladies?

Second Woman: Oh, my friend here wants to pawn something, but I’d like to buy a bronze baby shoe.

Pawn Shop Owner: Oh.. okay, sure. [ pulls out a basketful from underneath the counter ] Take a look through these, and see what you like. [ to Second Woman ] What can I do for you?

Third Woman: [ holds up toy plush dog ] Is this worth anything?

Pawn Shop Owner: Ohh.. let me see.. I’d say.. early marriage.. peace token bought at an all-night drugstore after he stormed out of the house after a quarrel?

Third Woman: You’re so smart!

Pawn Shop Owner: No, just a properly trained connesuer. Was he your first fight? [ she nods her head ] Ah. Was it about something that seems incredibly silly and trivial to you now?

Third Woman: Mmm, no. It was another woman. But he gave me a Woofie, and he promised he’d never do it again.

Pawn Shop Owner: He didn’t mend his ways, did he?

Third Woman: No. We basically have a marriage of convenience.

Pawn Shop Owner: I thought so. I can usually spot a fraudelent sentiment. I’m sorry, this little doggie isn’t worth the fuzz that it’s made out of..

Third Woman: But he was crying when he gave it to me.

Pawn Shop Owner: Cheap sentimentality. He might have been drunk, I don’t know.

Second Woman: [ finished looking at the bronze baby shoes ] Oh.. I’ll take this one.

Pawn Shop Owner: Oh.. oh, I can give you a deal on that, this kid was adopted.

Second Woman: Oh, super! Do you have any old yearbooks?

Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, you lose yours?

Second Woman: Yeah. I was ’69. Any Catholic high school yearbook will do.

Pawn Shop Owner: Sure. In the back.

Second Woman: Oh, okay. And, uh.. what about those fraternity pins? I need one that’s engraved “Judy”.

Pawn Shop Owner: Uh.. in the back. Yeah, they’re alphabetized back there.

Thank you. [ goes to the back room ]

Third Woman: Um.. just out of curiosity, what kind of items are worth the most?

Pawn Shop Owner: Well, the high end of this market is pretty stable. Anything from a child, a handmade items that took a lot of time and thought. Oh! The other day I had a lady come in, and she dropped off all her kids’ drawings! They’re selling like hotcakes!

Third Woman: Wow. Um.. thanks for the appraisal.

Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, sure thing. Listen, come back sometime with an item that means something to you, and we’ll do business.

Third Woman: Okay!

Pawn Shop Owner: Okay. [ Second Woman returns ] Find anything you need?

Second Woman: Yeah. You want to ring things up for me?

Pawn Shop Owner: [ notices her finger ] Oh, whoa! Whoa! What is that on your finger, next to the diamond?

Second Woman: Oh, that’s just a plastic gumball machine ring. Yeah, when Paul and I got married, we were so poor he gave this to me as a wedding ring.. of course, later he gave me the two-karat diamond, but..

Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, this one’s exquisite!

Second Woman: Yeah.. I like to wear it, you know? We were.. so young then.

Pawn Shop Owner: Boy.. the piece is absolutely first-rate. Absolutely first-rate! I mean, we’re talking.. over a thou! Yeah! Listen, promise if you ever want to pawn it, you’ll come back here!

Second Woman: Alright, I will!

Pawn Shop Owner: Okay, I’d love to get my hands on that! [ phone rings ] Excuse me. Hello, Downtown Pawn! Pardon? Oh, your parents wedding album? And your grandmother’s diary? Sure, I’ll take them! Your father’s ashes? Yeah, yeah! I can keep the store open another hour!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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