Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 12
The Pat Stevens Show
Pat Stevens…..Nora Dunn
Elizabeth Dole…..Jan Hooks
Barbara Bush…..Phil Hartman
Announcer: It’s “The Pat Stevens Show”, with your host, Pat Stevens.
Pat Stevens: Thank you! Hello, everybody, I’m Pat Stevens, welcome to “The Pat Stevens Show”! Now, Winter’s still here, and we’re weary, but Vogue tells us: Think Spring. That’s a good thing to think, isn’t it? Let’s do it. [ faux thinks ] Okay. I’ll tell you what I was thinking – softening the facial palette and toning the legs. Now, I’ve already lightened my palette, so let’s work on the legs, shall we? It’s a toning exercise, using our Vogue, so we’re going to extend the legs, flex the heels, and we’re ready.. to lift. And lift, and lift, and lift.. feel the burn.. and lift, and lift, and lift.. boring down, it’s not so easy.. raising it now.. and lift, and lift, and lift.. when it hurts, it helps. Let it burn. Hold it up isometrical. And exhale, blow it out and shake it out! Ooh, I feel good. Ladies, remember: no pain, no gain. So, we are ready to meet our guests today. Very, very special ladies, they are the Republican First-Lady hopefuls, running neck and neck. Welcome, please, Barbara Bush and Elizabeth Dole.
[ they come out and sit ]
It’s so nice having you both – of course, Elizabeth, you and I are old friends. And, Barbara.. well. I’d like to congratulate George on his starling victory in New Hampshire, he’s doing well in the south, he’s had a wonderful reign as Vice-President.. tell me – are you proud of your son?
Barbara Bush: Pat.. George is not my son, he’s my husband.
Pat Stevens: Oh, heavens! I guess I dropped a fly in your soup! Well, she looks so much older, I hardly think it’s my faux pas! I turn now to Elizabeth Dole – now, you and your husband have written a remarkable book.
Elizabeth Dole: Well, gosh, yes.. thank you, Pat. It’s entitled “The Doles: Unlimited Partners”. Because, Past, that’s what we are. It’s about our lives, and we’ve dealed with being a dual-career couple. Now, I am a career woman. I graduated from Duke University, studied at Oxford, got a law degree from Harvard University. I served in the Nixon and Reagan administrations, I was Officer of Human Affairs, I was Head of the Federal Trade Commission, and I was, of course, Public Liasion to President Reagan before I became Transportation Secretary. And now, I’m just helping my husband campaign.
Pat Stevens: Heavens! Have they ever called you Wonder Woman?
Elizabeth Dole: Aren’t you sweet?
Pat Stevens: That’s terrific! Barbara, I understand you’ve written a book about the family cocker spaniel, and you’re working on a rug.
Barbara Bush: Yes.. I have been needle-pointing a 14-foot rug for some time, on and off. The book is just something I work on occasionally, for fun. But I’m most interested in my work to combat literacy, and my involvement in support of the arts. I’ve raised five children –
Pat Stevens: That’s enough to turn anybody’s hair grey! I’d like to get back to Elizabeth, and your book.
Well, now, Pat.. it’s not just my book, it’s Bob’s, too, that’s really the point of the whole thing! And I’d like to share some of my advice for dual career couples, if I may.
Pat Stevens: Oh, my runway is yours!
Elizabeth Dole: Oh, thank you, Pat! Okay, here we go. #1: Have as many special times as you can. #2: Don’t allow work to crowd out the really important things. #3: Travel together as often as you can. #4: Men, send flowers.
Pat Stevens: Bravo! It’s about time somebody said it!
Elizabeth Dole: Well, I’m glad it was me! [ laughs ] #5: Women, leave little notes around the house.
Pat Stevens: You know, I do that. And I live alone! I tell you, it works. I leave little notes to myself all around the house – “You look terrific”, “Have a nice day!”, “Check your thighs.” I’m telling you, it works like a charm!
Elizabeth Dole: You know, it is the little things that count, Pat. I’m sure Barbara knows that.
Barbara Bush: Well, it’s important to stay together. I’ve been traveling with George this year, and I’ve enjoyed it, it rather surprised me, it was like going on a vacation, and –
Pat Stevens: Well, I’m sorry to cut your vacation short, but please do come back.. and.. freshen up that facial palette, live a little! Elizabeth, you are a gem, great having you. I’m Pat Stevens.
Elizabeth Dole: Oh, I think I forgot to mention Point #6: Talk on the phone.
Pat Stevens: Oh, well that’s self-explanatory!
Announcer: You’ve been watching “The Pat Stevens Show”, with your host, Pat Stevens.