Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 13
Passenger 1…..Judge Reinhold
Passenger 2…..Kevin Nealon
[ open on exterior, plane flying overhead ] [ dissolve to interior of plane, which is overcrowded with passengers and looking rather unkempt ]
Passenger 1: Is it me, or is this plane really filthy? [ tries to brush dity off his shoulder ]
Passenger 2: That’s typical. This used to be a great airliner before deregulation. Then that big cocaine bust about a year ago. It really went downhill after that, it, uh.. it just hasn’t been the same.[ a scalper walks down the aisle, reciting his rates as he passes people ]
Passenger 2: Cheap tickets, though.
Passenger 1: Yeah.[ Stewardess appears from the cabin, and intercepts the scalper ]
Stewardess: Sir? Go on, sit down. [ he barely moves ] I told you – sit down. Go on. [ she runs him to his seat ]
Passenger 1: Well, at least more people can afford to fly these days.
Passenger 2: Yeah. [ turns his head ] See that lady back there with the two kids? With the laundry hanging over her seat?
Passenger 1: [ looks ] Yeah?
Passenger 2: I was talking to her – she lives here. She’s on welfare. The government pays for her to live here until some low-income housing opens up.
Passenger 1: [ becomes distracted by another sight ] Oh, my God! It’s a rat![ cut to a rat resting on another passenger’s meal tray ]
Passenger 1: Stewardess! Stewardess, look!! There’s a rat – there’s a rat eating that guy’s food!![ the Stewardess comes running forwardv to remedy the situation ]
Stewardess: Oh, I am so sorry! [ to the rat ] Shoo! Go on! Shoo! [ the rat disappears ] Here we go, I’m sorry. [ picks up the meal tray ] They sprayed the cargo hold yesterday, and all the rats and the roahes came up here. I am so sorry, I’ll make an announcement, okay? [ drops the meal tray onto the floor ]
Passenger 1: Unbelievable![ the Stewardess approaches the PA system up front ]
Stewardess: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, just a quick announcement before we begin our in-flight movie. I would like to call your attention to the rat traps that are being stuffed in each seat in front of you. [ passengers reachdown to pull out their rat traps ] Instructions are there, also – and, for each rat caught, you will get a free First Class upgrade. Our movie today is “Inside Annie Sprinkle”, and headphones are ninety-nine cents always. Also, if you’re alone, and plan on sleeping, we suggest you leave your overhead light on and check your valuables in the safe in the galley. Thank you!
Passenger 2: [ to Passenger 1 ] I’m gonna try making a call on the OTB phone, down by the restroom. Keep an eye on my bag, will you?
Passenger 1: Yeah, sure.[ Passenger 2 walks to the back as Passenger 1 flips through his magazine ] [ the Stewardess rolls a beverage cart down the aisle, stopping in front of Passenger 1 ]
Stewardess: Would you like a drink?
Passenger 1: Uh.. I’d like a glass of water, please.
Stewardess: Oh. I don’t think we have any. [ seductively ] Would you like to buy me a glass of champagne? [ grabs a champagne glass ] I love champagne.
Passenger 1: [ hesitantly ] Okay.. I guess.
Stewardess: You want one, too?
Passenger 1: Sure.
Stewardess: Atta boy! [ hands him a glass of champagne and sits down next to him ] So?
Passenger 1: [ sips ] Mmm. Good champagne.
Stewardess: Yeah. Do you like me?
Passenger 1: Sure.
Stewardess: Do you think I’m pretty?
Passenger 1: Sure.
Stewardess: [ puts her glass down ] Do you wnat me to be your girlfriend? I’ll do anything you want! [ rips her blouse open to reveal her bouncing breasts behind a black lace bra ]
Passenger 1: N-no thanks.[ screeching sounds from under his seat ]
Passenger 1: Look! [ pulls up the trap ] Got one!
Stewardess: Oh! Oh, okay, I’ll take that. [ grabs the trap ] Thank you. Okay. [ puts the trap on the beverage cart ] Oh, and that’s gonna be twenty bucks for the champagne.
Passenger 1: What?! I’m not gonna pay twenty bucks for two glasses of champagne!
Stewardess: Look, it’s real champagne, dorkhead! That’s how much it costs!
Passenger 1: Well, look, I’ll give you ten, but I’m not gonna pay the rest! [ takes out his wallet ]
Stewardess: [ fastens her blouse and calls to the cabin ] Eddie!!![ a burly man appears, and stands over Passenger 1 ]
Passenger 1: [ frightened ] Okay, okay, okay – he-here’s twenty dollars! [ hands over the money ] But I’m gonna tell you – I’m never flying this airline again!
Eddie: Good![ Eddie and the Stewardess walks away, as a now-disheveled Passenger 2 returns to his seat ]
Passenger 2: They took my wallet! They took my wallet.[ a preacher-type stands at the front of the cabin holding up a bullhorn and a Bible ]
Preacher: Good news! The gospel brings good news of God’s grace! It’s in John, Chapter 3, Verse 16: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth on him should not perish, but have eternal life –” ] [ dissolve to exterior of plane ] [ fade ]