Steve Martin: Hi. Have you noticed how.. good I’ve looked tonight? Well, it’s no accident I have simply discovered that I have a good side and a bad side – most leading men do. Don’t believe me? Watch.
[ turns head to stage right, cocked upward ] Beautiful.. [ turns head at an angle ] ..interesting looking.. [ stares straight into camera ] ..quite plain.. [ turns head to stage left ] ..hideous.
Once again, now, that’s.. [ turns head to stage right, cocked upward ] Beautiful.. [ turns head at an angle ] ..interesting looking.. [ stares straight into camera ] ..quite plain.. [ turns head to stage left ] ..hideous.
Let me personify that for you.
[ turns head to stage left ] Mel Brooks.. [ stares straight into camera ] ..Mel Blanc.. [ turns head to angle at stage right ] ..Mel Torme.. [ turns head to stage right, cocked upward ] ..Mel Gibson.
As the show continues, you’ll notice how the cameraman never ever shows my bad side. Enjoy.
[ starts to exit stage left facing that direction, then catches himself, turns to face stage right and exits stage walking backwards ]
[ fade ]
…..Jon Lovitz …..Paulina Poriskova …..Don Pardo Lee Iacocca…..Phil Hartman …..Steve Martin
[ open on Jon Lovitz sitting at a table in the russian Tea Room with Paulina Poriskova ]
Jon Lovitz: Hello, I’m Job Lovitz, and I’m having lunch in the Russian Tea Room with the most beautiful woman in the world – Paulina! Well, we can’t all be me. But if you’d like to fulfill your dream like I did, then I have one piece of advice for you – Get To Know Me! When did I chip my tooth? Why do I drain my foot? Where is my extra bone? Get To Know Me! Got to go – listen to him!
Don Pardo: Hello! Before I got to know Jon, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody! I was stuck in a room reading voiceovers I could barely understand! And then, I got to know him, and now I get to be on TV! And today, they call me.. Don Pardo!
Jon Lovitz: Get To Know Me! Why do I never wear a hat? Why was I banned from Bangkok? Why do women call me “The Anchor”?
Paulina Poriskova: You.. stud! You gorgeous hunk of male flesh.
Jon Lovitz: [ to the camera ] Yes! [ to Paulina ] Uh.. a little lower and to the left. Get To Know Me! Still wondering if you should? Then listen to him!
Lee Iacocca: Before I got to know Jon, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody! I couldn’t get a job to save my life! And today, they call me.. Lee Iacocca! Get to know him! And buy a Chrysler..
Don Pardo: It works, I tell you, it works!
Jon Lovitz: Get out, I tell you, get out! Get To Know Me! Why do girls speak to me? Do I shave my eyebrows in the middle? Get To Know Me! And now, a final testimonial, from a man who speaks the truth!
Steve Martin: Before I got to know Jon, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody! I was a two-bit comic with an arrow stuck through my head! And then, I got to know him, and now I just starred in a movie called “Parenthood”, directed by Opie! And today, they call me.. Steve Martin!
Jon Lovitz: Thank you.
Steve Martin: Thank you!
Lee Iacocca: It’s true, I tell you, it’s true! Buy a Chrsyler..
Paulina Poriskova: He’s a stud!
Steve Martin: I might do a movie directed by Potsie!
Steve Martin: Thank you. Thank you very much. We have a very funny show tonight – Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers are here. And it’s great to be back here tonight.
You know, I’ve been coming here to do “Saturday Night Live” since 1976, and the thing that keeps bringing you back is the people you get to work with.. and I would like to show you something we recorded on this stage in 1978.
Steve Martin: When a man meets the woman he loves, everything changes. His heart races, his head spins. And suddenly, all the dozens and dozens of women he’s sleeping with no longer matter. A few years ago, I found the woman I love, and I have put some of my feelings into this little poem:
“Every man needs a woman, and I need you To lift me when I am sad To comfort me when I am down To clean me when I am a drunk To walk beside me when I want to look like I’m not gay To walk in front of me when I need someone to act as a human windbreak To kiss me when I’m horny To massage when I am tense and/or horny To make me horny when I’m not horny, and then to watch me fall asleep.
I need you, darling, to clean between my toes when they are not clean to my satisfaction. To pick the nits out of my hair when I have head lice To try milk for me when I am not ure of the expiration date. To be there when I need you to be there and to be out of town the rest of the time
My darling, although it may seem sentimental I want to take this moment to tell you I love you, because I don’t want to lose half my stuff.
And even though you are far away across the ocean I always have this to remind me.”
[ points to his ring finger, where he quickly notices no ring is ]
Announcer: Candelabra Music is proud to present Miss Tammy Wynette in the album of her career – Tammy Wynette Sings The Classics!
Tammy Wynette: [ singing variant of “Moonlight Sonata” ]“Stand by your man Stand by your man Oh-ho-oh Stand.. by.. your.. man!”
Announcer: Yes, the rich voice of country music’s greatest singer, bringing the treasure of music into your home or trailer!
Tammy Wynette: [ singing variant of “Tchaikovsky’s Concerto #1 In B Flat Minor (Stand By Your Man)” ]“Stand by your man by.. your man Stand by your man by.. your man Stand by your man by.. your man Stand by your man Stand by your man Oh, stand by your man, girl.”
Tammy Wynette: [ singing variant of “Mozart’s Piano Sonata In C (Stand By Your Man) ]“Stand by your ma-a-an Stand by your ma-a-an Sta-a-and.. by-iy-iy.. you-ou-our.. ma-a-an”
Tammy Wynette: [ singing variant of “Beetoven’s Fifth Symphony First Movement (Stand By Your Man)” ]“Stand by your man! Stand by your man! Stand by your man, stand by your man, stand by your man! Stand by your man, stand by your man, stand by your man! Stand by your man! Stand by your man!”
Announcer: Just imagine, fifty of the world’s most beloved musical selections, pushed through the mose of the queen of country music!
Tammy Wynette: [ singing ]“Stand by-y-y.. stand by your man! Stand by your man, stand by your man..”
Announcer: Order now, and you’ll also receive – free – this second album: Boots Randolph’s Yakkity Bartok!
Tammy Wynette: Stand by.. here’s how to order.
Announcer: Send $19.95, check or money order, to Classical Tammy, Route 4, Chagrin Falls, Ohio. Or call 1-800-YOUR-MAN. Operators are standing by.
Tammy Wynette: [ singing ]“Stand by, stand by, stand by, stand by your.. man! Whoo!”
[ SUPER: “Waikiki Hockey” ]
[ SUPER: “A Col. tom Parker Production” ]
[ SUPER: “Starring: Wayne Gretzky” ]
[ SUPER: “And Ann-Margaret as Kitten” ]
[ SUPER: “Creative Consultant: Col. Tom Parker” ]
[ dissolve to interior, Reef Hotel ]
Busboy #1: Chad, I didn’t know you played hockey!
Chad: Hockey? What are you talking about?
Busboy #1: Well, what’s with the stick?
Chad: [ holds up piece of driftwood shaped like a hockey stick ] This? It’s just something that washed up on the shore. It’s my lucky stick. I don’t play hockey. You fellas play hockey?
Busboy #2: You better believe it! We’re the best two wings in Honolulu! We play for the Coconut Kings!
Busboy #1: Yeah. Hey, it’s too bad you don’t play, Chad, ’cause today we got the big championship.
Chad: Sorry, fellas, but, like I said, I’ve never played hockey.
Busboy #2: Hey, look! Somebody didn’t like Chef Mulahini’s pork chops! I wonder why? [ knocks pork chop on the table ] They’re as hard as a hockey puck, huh! [ laughs ]
[ Chad motions his lucky stick like a hockey stick, knocks the pork chop across the room into a garbage can ]
Busboy #2: I don’t believe it! He hit it right in the garbage can!
Busboy #1: You’re good! Oh, you gotta play for us tonight! We”re playing against our arch rivals – we don’t have a center!
Chad: Sorry, fellas, I don’t use my stick for any competetion.
[ Mr. Bradford enters ]
Mr. Bradford: Hey, hey, hey! Back to work, boys. I don’t pay you to stand around and yak!
Chad: Yes, sir, Mr. Bradford.
[ romantic Hawaiian music pots up, as Mr. Bradford’s daughter, Kitten, enters the restaurant with her snooty boyfriend Reginald ]
Kitten: Daddy? Can I have the keys to the convertible?
Mr. Bradford: Sure, Kitten. [ hands her the keys ] Going shopping?
Kitten: Uh-huh. I need something special for the big hockey game tonight.
Mr. Bradford: What about you, Reginald? Are you ready for the big game tonight?
Reginald: [ locked in a continuous smile as he speaks ] Ab-so-lute-ly! The Fly-ing Yachts-men are in tip-top shaoe – though it hardly matters, we’re playing the Coconut Kings, a collection of bus-boys! [ laughs smugly ]
Kitten: [ to Chad ] You’re new on the island, arent you? My name is Susan Bradford, but my friends call me Kitten. Hi!
Chad: Pleased to meet you. I’m Chad.
[ close-up on Kitten’s lovestruck face, as Hawaiian music reaches climactic twang ]
Reginald: Don’t dillydally, Kitten. I dare-say we’ll be late for lunch at the club. Uh, Bus-boy.. you missed a spot! [ laughs smugly ]
[ Kitten and Reginald exit ]
Chad: Fellas, on second thought, maybe I will play in that game tonight.
Busboy #1: Alright!
Busboy #2: Yeah!
[ dissolve to generic footage of the hockey game later that night ]
Announcer: What a night it is at Waikiki Stadium! The Coconut Kings are humiliating the Royal Yachtsmen, thanks to island newcomer Chad Gretzky and his lucky stick! He learned to skate this afternoon, but you’d never know it from the moves he’s showing us tonight! And the final score is Coconut Kings, 10; Flying Yachtsmen, nothing!
[ dissolve to next day, Kitten waterskiing, as Chad moves in from her left ]
Chad: Going my way?
Kitten: I didn’t know you could ski!
Chad: I didn’t know angels could fly so low.
Kitten: I saw you play last night – you were terrific!
Chad: You’re pretty terrific yourself.
[ Reginald moves in from Kitten’s right ]
Reginald: Well, well, well! If it isn’t our hockey-playing bus-boy! You certainly got lucky last night.
[ aghast ] Reggie!
Chad: Maybe I didn’t go to some high-falootin’ Wana-Hockey U.. but I did learn good sportsmanship.
Reginald: Yes.. well, then, be a good sport and go clear some tables. [ snooty laugh ]
Chad: You talk too much. [ pushes Reginald into the water ]
Kitten: Oh! I hope he doesn’t drown.. [ changing the subject ] Are you coming to the big party at Daddy’s hotel tonight?
Chad: I don’t think your Daddy wants me mingling with his fancy guests.
Kitten: No! You’re coming as my escort!
[ dissolve to Daddy’s fancy party later that evening ]
Mr. Bradford: Excuse me. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. It seems that the singer we had booked for this evening can’t make it.
[ crowd awwws ]
Mr. Bradford: I’ve been told that he’s eaten some bad poi.
[ crowd eugghs ]
Mr. Bradford: Yes, we all know what bad poi can do. But it’s a lovely night, so please, stay around and enjoy yourselves.. [ crowd gets up to leave ] Everyone, please stay!
Kitten: Oh, poor Daddy..
Chad: Don’t you worry, Angel. [ steps up before the crowd ] Sit down, everybody! I think you’ll get your money’s worth. [ to the band ] Come on, boys – let’s rock!
[ singing ]”Mona luckahiki means hockey Mona luckawiki means love A moonlit ice rink means romance with my baby and the stars above.”
Announcer: Now, from the White House, the President of the United States.
President George Bush: Good evening. I want to thank the networks for granting me this time to talk about inflation – halfway around the world. I’m talking about China, where a wind is blowing – excuse me.. excuse me.. – a breeze. Can’t call it a wind – not enough in-for-ma-tion. A breeze of democracy in China. You know, Bar and I spent some time in China, and one thing about the Chinese people.. well.. they’re good! Good people!
China – gonna become democratized or not, can’t tell ya, not enough in-for-ma-tion. Not gonna be drawn into that at this junc-ture. Why? Because I’ve got responsibilities. President. 119 days in the White House – still lots to do, lots of work done. Repainting, floors sanded – you betcha! Polyurethane, defective wiring replaced.. Dan Quayle still gaining acceptance. Bush Family dog’s happy. Yes sir, good story on it, cover of Life Magazine.. Bar there, right on that cover. President’s dog, gotta be a happy life, you know?
Crime in the streets of America. Thugs and punks ruining our neighborhoods – it’s bad! It’s bad! There are those who say I should go out on those streets, see the problem firsthand. Not gonna do it! Not going up to Harlem alone, late at night – wouldn’t be prudent! You know, the Coast Guard down there, doing what they do, guarding the coast – the entire coast guarded.
Once again, that breeze of democracy, blowing around like it does, going around and around, swirling out there, going, ready to cross that ocean, out over there to Panama. That’s right – Panama – and that thug, Mr. Noriega. I know all about General Manuel Noriega. Knew the man when I was down there, as part of that Reagan-Bush team. Never talked to him, never met him. No, sir. Just watched him from a distance – spied on him. Always behind him, lurking around behind some shrubery, crouching down. Never met the man face-to-face, you know? Never part of any drugs-for-weapons deal! Wouldn’t be prudent!
So, to sum up: breeze, White House, China, Bar and the dog – good! Thugs, crime, acid rain – bad! Noriega – don’t know him.
Now, they’re trying to drag me into that “Live, from New York” thing, that old deal they got every week down there. Not gonna do it. Not gonna go out there and say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiight!“