Demi Moore: 11/12/88: The World of Dr. Know-It-All

Dr. Know-It-All …..Phil Hartman 

Tommy……………..  Dana Carvey 

Becky……………….. Demi Moore 

1st Announcer……. Don Pardo 

2nd Announcer….. Kevin Nealon 

[THEME MUSIC: Begins while the screen is still black, with a short downward harp glissando. As the picture comes on the screen, we hear a medium-tempo theme in a major key; its jaunty, classically-influenced melody is played by a deep, fussy-sounding woodwind instrument (a bassoon?)] [SUPER: “THE WORLD OF Dr. KNOW-IT-ALL” – in all caps, except for the “r” in “Dr.”] (NOTE: The “A” in “Know-It-All” is designed in such a way that, as we follow the left diagonal line downward, it turns into a thunderbolt that extends below the natural “bottom” of the letter.)

1st Announcer (voiceover): It’s time for . . . Dr. Know-It-All! Today: “Air Pressure All Around Us.”

[SUPER: “Today’s Topic” on top; “AIR PRESSURE ALL AROUND US” below]

(Dr. Know-It-All, a middle-aged man wearing horn-rimmed glasses and suspenders, is in what appears to be a kitchen, adjusting a vacuum cleaner that sits on a counter in the middle of the room.  Tommy and Becky enter the picture from behind him. NOTE: Throughout the sketch, Dr. Know-It-All tends to speak very melodically, as do Tommy and Becky. Dr. Know-It-All also pauses frequently, uses frequent hand gestures, and gives a not-entirely-convincing surface impression of endless patience and goodwill.)

Tommy: Hi, Dr. Know-It-All. Can we come in?

Dr. Know-It-All:  Why, sure, Tommy. Hi, Becky.

Becky: Hi! Gosh, Dr. Know-It-All, why do you have your vacuum cleaner on the counter?

Dr. Know-It-All:  Well, I’m conducting a little experiment with air pressure. Becky, why don’t you get Charlie the gerbil out of his cage, and –

Becky: OK.

Dr. Know-It-All:  – put him in the box here?

Becky: Come on, little fella. Whoo! (continues “whoo”ing as she struggles to keep her grip on Charlie)

Dr. Know-It-All: He’s a frisky little – You got him?

Becky: Yeh. Whoo! (Puts Charlie in the box)

Dr. Know-It-All: Oo-kay, excellent. Okay, Tommy, you can, uh, turn on the vacuum cleaner now.

Tommy: OK, here it goes.

Dr. Know-It-All:  OK. (As he picks up Charlie with the vacuum cleaner tube, we hear the sound of a squealing gerbil. Dr. K.’s lips form a thin smile. With a dainty push of his left index finger, he sends Charlie down the tube. The vacuum swallows up Charlie in one quick gulp, and the squealing stops. As Dr. K. turns quickly to his left, for a brief moment his smile is replaced by a stunned, open-mouthed look. The smile quickly reappears, then just as quickly disappears.)

Dr. Know-It-All (buoyantly): Okay, Tommy, if you’d snap it off . . . (Tommy turns off vacuum cleaner)

Tommy: OK.

Dr. Know-It-All: All right. Becky, maybe you can tell me what happened.

Becky: Well, I-I think, um, Charlie is inside the vacuum cleaner.

Dr. Know-It-All: That’s – right! (Raising left index finger, voice lowering dramatically in pitch): Why? And remember, we’re dealing – with air pressure.

Tommy: Um . . . well . . . um . . .

Dr. Know-It-All: Now: Is the air pressure inside the vacuum cleaner greater – or less – than the air pressure outside the vacuum? Becky?

Becky: Um, i-it’s . . . greater.

Dr. Know-It-All (raising his eyebrows a little; voice still pleasant): Tommy? (His voice on the last syllable sounds unexpectedly pinched and high-pitched, due perhaps to his feelings about Becky’s wrong answer.)

Tommy: Less.

Dr. Know-It-All: So, Becky, you say the air pressure is . . .

Becky: Greater.

Dr. Know-It-All: And Tommy, you say the air pressure is . . .

Tommy: Less.

Dr. Know-It-All: Now think about this, Becky. The gerbil moved . . . into the vacuum cleaner (touches opening of vacuum tube with his left index finger), which means the air pressure inside is . . .

Becky: Ohhhh . . . less! (smiles)

Dr. Know-It-All:  Less. That’s correct. So Tommy, that means you are . . .

Tommy: Smart.

Dr. Know-It-All (smiling, shaking head): No, no (holds up left index finger). You’re . . . right! And that means Becky is . . .

Tommy:  Wrong.

Dr. Know-It-All: That’s right. Now, why is Becky wrong?

Tommy: Because she didn’t understand that.

Dr. Know-It-All: Noooo . . .

Tommy: Because she didn’t know about –

Dr. Know-It-All: No. Becky is wrong because she’s a . . . girl!

Tommy: Ohhh. (Becky holds her head down, her feelings clearly hurt.)

Dr. Know-It-All: Yes! Becky is wrong because she is a girl, and this is . . . science!

Tommy: Ohh.

Dr. Know-It-All: Yes!. Okay!

Tommy: OK.

Dr. Know-It-All (enthusiastically): Now let’s step over to the aquarium.

Becky: Gosh, Dr. Know-It-All, where did you get all those fish?

Dr. Know-It-All:  Well, I got them at the market. Yes I did. Now Tommy, if you’ll take the net, I bet you’ll be able to get one of those fish out, and we’ll do another little experiment with . . . (turns to Becky): What? Air pressure.

Becky: OK!

Tommy: I think I got one.

Becky: Oh!

Dr. Know-It-All:  Okay, good.

Becky (watching fish struggle): Whoo!

Dr. Know-It-All:  All right, move him over here to the counter.

Becky: Oh, wow. Wow, look at him go!

(The group chatters excitedly as Dr. Know-It-All pulls the fish out of the net onto the counter, and the fish flops around for dear life.)

Tommy: Why does he flop around like that?

Dr. Know-It-All:  Well, maybe you can tell me!

Becky: Uh – because the pressure outside the tank is lower than inside the tank?

Dr. Know-It-All:  Nooo . . . he’s flopping around because he can’t . . .

Tommy: Swim?

Dr. Know-It-All:  Nooo . . .

Becky:  He can’t stand up?

Dr. Know-It-All:  No, he can’t brrrr . . .

Tommy and Becky (smiling): Breathe!

Dr. Know-It-All: That’s right, he can’t breathe!

Tommy: Look, he stopped!

Becky: Oh, he looks dead.

Dr. Know-It-All (a little thinly): Yes, he does! Why? Why does he look dead? Because we talked too . . .

Tommy: Loud?

Dr. Know-It-All:  No, we talked too –

Becky: We talked to God?

Dr. Know-It-All (pauses, then smiles for just an instant, then lets out-breath): No, we talked too . . . loong.

Tommy and Becky (talking at once): Oh. Oh yeah. (etc.)

Dr. Know-It-All:  We talked too long. (bringing fingertips of both hands together): Now what have we learned about air pressure so far? (With his left index finger, he counts off the day’s lessons on the fingers on his right hand, pausing after each lesson on the list.) Well, we’ve learned that the pressure inside the vacuum is less (touches index finger) . . . Tommy’s right (touches middle finger) . . . Becky’s wrong (ring finger) . . . she’s a girl (pinky finger) . . . this is science (touches thumb) . . . the fish is dead (points to fish) . . . and we talked too – long (touches pinky finger again and smiles thinly). We talked too long.

(Tommy and Becky smile.)

Becky: Gosh, Dr. Know-It-All, I never know what I’m gonna learn when I come here!

Dr. Know-It-All: (chuckles) Well Becky, we’re not finished! Come on over here. Do you know what this is?

Becky: Well, it’s the planets of our solar system.

Dr. Know-It-All: That’s right! Tommy and I made these last week, by putting papier-mache over balloons!

Tommy: Hey, Dr. Know-It-All, we were using air pressure!

Dr. Know-It-All: (chuckles) Well, yes, we were, inside the balloons! Very good. Now, I made the four outer planets, and Tommy made these planets. Now, look at my planets. They look . . . good. But Tommy’s planets look . . .

Tommy: Small?

Dr. Know-It-All: Nooo – bad. The planets you made look . . . bad. Right, Becky?

Becky: Yes. (smiles) (Tommy looks downcast, his mouth slightly open)

Dr. Know-It-All: Yes they do. That’s because Tommy’s a boy and I’m a . . .

Becky: Man. (smiles)

Dr. Know-It-All: That’s right, Becky. I’m a man, so my work is much better. Now, let’s come over here. Here’s some balloons for you.  Becky, I want you to fill these up with water (theme music starts), and Tommy, you take this blindfold and stand over there . . . (starts to alternate between facing toward his students and facing the camera) Oh, I hear our theme, and that means we’re just about out of time. We’ll have to save this experiment for another day, okay?

Becky: OK.

Tommy: OK.

Dr. Know-It-All (to camera): Okay. Well, bye for now!

Becky (to camera): Buh-bye!

Tommy (to camera): Bye-bye.

[SUPER: “THE WORLD OF Dr. KNOW-IT-ALL” (same graphic as before]

2nd Announcer (voiceover): Dr. Know-It-All is played by Roy Huber.

Contributed by Matt Vandermast

Demi Moore: 11/12/88: Woman vs. Rattlesnake (a.k.a. Don’t Move)

Woman vs. Rattlesnake (a.k.a. Don’t Move)

Mike…..Kevin Nealon 

Mike’s wife (a.k.a. “Wife”)….Demi Moore

(As the sketch starts, Mike and his wife are coming out of the woods into a clearing.)

Mike: Well, this is it, the place I’ve been tellin’ you about.

Wife: Oh, Mike, this is perfect.

Mike: Yeah? (They stop walking a few feet in front of what looks like one log on top of another,  perhaps all that remains of what used to be a log cabin. Most of the ground is bare, though. We hear birds singing and see trees, patches of overgrown yellow grass and, in the distance, mountains. Except for the evergreens, the trees’ leaves have changed color and many trees have lost most or all of their leaves.)

Mike: Well, I figure I’ve been promisin’ ya a summer cabin for so long, the least I could do is find a place to build it on.

Wife: Mike, it’s wonderful. I mean, you’re so – I don’t even know what to say. (They hug.) Ooh!

Mike: Hmm! (after they separate): Well, it’s not built yet.

Wife: Oh, you know, this would make a great place for a picture window (draws a square in the air), facing right out here.

Mike: Yah. Yah.

(Mike’s wife sits on the logs. As she settles herself, we hear a loud rattling sound and see a snake curled on the top log, its head about a hand’s length from her right thigh.  She is a similar distance from where the log ends on her left, in case she wants to inch away from the snake and slide off the log.)

Mike: (slowly) Whatever you do, don’t – move.

Wife: What? (turns to see the snake and gasps)

Mike: Don’t move. There’s a rattlesnake right beside you .

Wife: Oh, Mike!

(Mike stays put, perhaps six feet away from the snake, perhaps a little farther. He starts pulling a gun from a holster.)

Mike: Okay. Just don’t move a muscle. (speaks more slowly) Just remain per-fect-ly still . . .

(He takes aim. As the snake’s rattling continues, he fires at the snake without moving any closer. We hear a bang and the sound of a ricochet. As he keeps firing, never moving any closer, we hear an additional bang-and-ricochet one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine times. The rattling never stops.)

Wife (still sharing the log with the snake): Ooh!

Mike: Okay. I’m gonna reload now . . .

Wife: Ooh. Mike, do something!

Mike:  It’s okay . . . it’s okay . . .

Wife: Aw, he looks real mad that you shot at him.

Mike: Just hold on . . .

(We see the snake strike toward Mike’s wife, an instant before the camera leaves her)

Wife: (shrieks) Oh! Oh, it bit me!

Mike: (quickly) Okay, don’t move. Just stay still or he might bite you again. (Mike’s wife moans repeatedly and breathes heavily.)  Okay, just hold still . . .(Fires once, a split second after we see the snake strike again and hear another shriek from his wife.)

Wife: He bit me again! Ooh! Oh, Mike, it hurts!

Mike (a little louder): Okay, all right, don’t worry. It’ll get numb in a minute . . .You just – you just hold still.

(As he fires again, still from the same distance, we hear the now-familiar bang-and-ricochet combination one, two, three, four, five, six, seven times. Again, the rattling continues.)

Wife: Ow, you shot me in the elbow!  (We see the snake strike again, biting her in the leg.)

Wife: (shrieks) He bit me again!

Mike: (over her moaning): Okay, okay, the gun thing’s not workin’! I’m gonna try something else. (pulls out hunting knife) Okay.

Wife: Oh,,no….

Mike: Stay perfectly still.  (Still where he was when he fired the gun, he throws knife at snake.) Hi-yahh! (The knife falls short and bounces off log, in front of his wife.)

Wife: Ohh . . . I think that knife getting thrown at him is really making him madder.

Mike: OK.

Wife: He’s giving me a really weird look..

Mike: All right, just don’t look at him.

Wife: Okay.

Mike: All right honey. Very slowly. Do exactly as I say. Reach down, very slowly pick up my hunting knife . . .

Wife (starts to bend down): Oh. . . I don’t think he likes me doing this . . . (continues bending)

Mike: Very slowly. That’s it, now toss it back here gently. Gently? (She tosses the knife.) That’s it!  (We hear him catch it.) Okay. (We see the snake strike and bite his wife’s arm.)

Wife: (shrieks) Oh, he bit me again! (holds her elbow, breathing heavily)

Mike (a foot or two closer): Just stay perfectly still . . . (as he throws knife again): Hi-yahh! (Knife bounces off snake, or passes just above it, and flies over the log. We see the snake bite Mike’s wife in the leg. Holding her elbow and leg now, she howls in pain.)

Mike: OK. OK. Did I get him?

Wife:  No, no, no…

Mike: It looked like he jerked a little bit or something.

Wife: No, that was him biting me again. Look, look, can’t I just move now? I’ll move out real fast.(Waves her hands toward her left)

Mike: No no no no. No no, don’t move. Don’t move, okay? I see what’s happening here. The knife thing’s not workin.’

Wife: Oh, Mike, I’m starting to see rockets.

Mike: All right, just stay still. Stay perfectly still. I’m gonna – I’m gonna lasso him. (He pronounces it “las-soo.” He moves farther from the log.)

Wife: Oh, no, listen, maybe I can just…maybe I can just slip away, you know? He – he’s probably out of poison by now.

Mike: (tying the lasso): No, no. He’s a big one. He’s a big one, honey . . .

Wife: (moans in pain and exasperation)

Mike: . . . and he’s got plenty of poison. You just don’t move. (pause)  Okay. All right. (adjusting lasso): Now the loop . . .has to be big enough . . . to pull the rope through the air . . .

Wife: Oh Mike . . .

Mike:  . . . but small enough . . .to get around his neck, so that when I pull it tight . . .I don’t have to tighten it too much. Does that make sense to you? .

Wife: Oh . . . oh Mike, he just bit me three more times!

Mike: Okay. Okay, just stay still . . . (He twirls lasso, tosses it and misses. The snake bites Mike’s wife again in the leg.)

Wife: Ow! Oh, he bit me again, Mike!

Mike: OK. I know, I know. I know. Okay. All right. He’s getting slower though, have you noticed?

Wife:  Noooo . . .

Mike: All right, listen, I got an idea. I got – I got a good idea. It’s crazy, but it might work. Okay? All right. Honey? (more slowly) With your open hand . . . reach down very, very slowly . . . and grab the snake.

Wife: Oh, but – grab the snake? He’ll – he’ll bite me some more!

Mike: No no, no he won’t. Now . . .

Wife: Yes, but . . .

Mike:  . . . you-you’ve gotta trust me. Do you trust me?

Wife (moaning and frightened): Ohhh . . . oh, yes . . .

Mike: OK. Okay, very slowly, reach down . . . just reach down . . . (as she reaches): That’s it, that’s it.  Now just . .

(The snake bites her hand; she pulls away).

Wife: Oh, he’s biting me! I told youuuu . . .

Mike:  OK. It’s okay, it’s okay!  Just – now, now – reach a little closer.  Reach closer. Now – grab him! Grab the snake!!

(She does. The snake bites her arm as she holds on; she screams repeatedly)

Mike: All right, c’mon! Ignore him!! Now, throw him over there – throw him down, throw him down there . . .

(She throws the snake onto the ground behind the log. Mike walks up to the log and points his gun over it, aiming toward the ground. He fires one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven times at the snake – no ricochets now. The rattling has never stopped.)

Mike: Okay, where’d he go? Okay, I don’t see him.  (Rattling gets fainter and eventually dies out) He’s gone. Okay. That’s the important thing. Okay, he’s gone. All right. Okay, honey. Okay – honey?

Wife: Huh? (We see something on her shoulder.)

Mike: Whatever you do, don’t move.  There’s a tarantula on your shoulder.

Wife (as she brushes tarantula off her shoulder): Aw, shhhhaddup and just get me to the doctor. (stands up and starts walking)

Mike (excitedly): Okay, remain calm, that’s the important thing. You gotta remain calm. That’s what we’re looking here for [sic]. Calmness. Calmness . . . (They leave the clearing and walk back through the woods.)

Contributed by Matt Vandermast

Thank you, Matt!

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89: Steve’s Good & Bad Sides



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20



88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Steve’s Good & Bad Sides

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Hi. Have you noticed how.. good I’ve looked tonight? Well, it’s no accident I have simply discovered that I have a good side and a bad side – most leading men do. Don’t believe me? Watch.

[ turns head to stage right, cocked upward ] Beautiful.. [ turns head at an angle ] ..interesting looking.. [ stares straight into camera ] ..quite plain.. [ turns head to stage left ] ..hideous.

Once again, now, that’s.. [ turns head to stage right, cocked upward ] Beautiful.. [ turns head at an angle ] ..interesting looking.. [ stares straight into camera ] ..quite plain.. [ turns head to stage left ] ..hideous.

Let me personify that for you.

[ turns head to stage left ] Mel Brooks.. [ stares straight into camera ] ..Mel Blanc.. [ turns head to angle at stage right ] ..Mel Torme.. [ turns head to stage right, cocked upward ] ..Mel Gibson.

As the show continues, you’ll notice how the cameraman never ever shows my bad side. Enjoy.

[ starts to exit stage left facing that direction, then catches himself, turns to face stage right and exits stage walking backwards ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89: Pumping Up With Hans & Franz



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20



88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

Hans…..Dana Carvey
Franz…..Kevin Nealon
Joseph Wilhelm Zieglefreud…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Welcome to “Pumping Up With Hanz & Franz”, the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.

[ “Theme From 2001: A Space Odyssey” plays, as cameras slowly pan up on Hans & Franz, whose chest muscles begin to sway up and down ]

Together: Welcome! We’re back!

Hans: Alright. Once again, I am Hans..

Franz: And I am Franz. And we just want to..

Together: pump.. [ they clap ] ..you up!

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Alright, enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to..

Together: pump.. [ they clap ] ..you up!

Hans: Alright, before we get started, we’d like to give you something to hear now and think about later: a muscle is a terrible thing to waste.

Franz: Yah. That’s right, Hans. And if you’re gonna be a flabby waste of girly-man, maybe you should be disciplined!

Hans: Yah, believe me now, you know, we should take your wasted muscle..

Franz: Which is flab!cYah! And stretch it into a flab-rope ladder, so you can climb back down into the sewer you crawled out of!

Franz: Alright. Enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to..

Together: pump.. [ they clap ] ..you up!

Franz: You know, many critics have complained that our training methods would never work for your average garden-variety girly-man!

Yah. You know. That’s right, they say we are genetic mutants, you know, like Freddie Krueger!

Franz: Well, Mr. Critic Man, welcome to Nightmare on Muscle Street!

[ they flex their superiority ]

Franz: Here me now, and believe me later – anyone can achieve these results using our method!

Hans: That’s right, and we have proof! We have taken the world’smost pathetic girly-man, and turned him into the embodiment of perfect pumptitude!

Franz: Yah! This was Joseph Wilhem Zieglefreud tweleve weeks ago. [ shows pathetic Before image of Joseph ] And now, here he is today. Behold, the Eighth Womder of the World!

[ “Theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey” plays as an overinflated Joseph is wheeled out on a cart ]

Hans: Alright. Do our methods work? You be the judge. Welcome, Joseph. Now, tell us, has pumpitude changed your life?

Joseph: Oh, yah!

Hans: For the better?

Joseph: Oh, yah!

Hans: Alright. Alright.

Franz: And we understand that, because of your dedication to pumpitude, your wife and your children left you?

Joseph: Yah!

Hans: That’s alright.

Joseph: Yeah. Yah.

Franz: This is common, Joseph. You don’t need your crybaby wife and children to drag you down to their scum-hole!

Joseph: Yah, they are girly-man losers!

Hans: That’s right. Now, we understand, Joseph, you recently had to move out of your apartment?

Joseph: Yah!

Franz: Well.. tell us where you live now.

Joseph: In a circus tent on the edge of town.

Hans: Hear that, Critic Man!

Franz: But don’t be thinking that, because he lives in a circus tent, he’s some kind of freak!

Hans: That’s right! Can a freak do this?

[ Hans, Franz and Joseph all flex their muscles superiorily, although Joseph barely gets any flexibility due to the massive size of his perfect muscles ]

Franz: Now, you might have noticed a slight flexibility in Joseph. Does that bother you?

Joseph: It is a small price to pay.

Hans: That’s right, Joseph. One more question, you know. Tell our viewers what you would do if a girly-man kicks sand in your face?

Joseph: Hear me now, and believe me later, and think about it sometime, but make a note of it now – if I were just a little bit more flexible, I would kill you!

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Alright, alright..

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Well, you know, looking at my watch, I can see we are just about out of time.

Joseph: I can’t look at my watch.

Hans: That’s right. I think we proved our point. Once again, I am Hans..

Franz: I am Franz..

Joseph: And I am the world’s most perfectly pumped-up man!

All Together: And we just want to.. pump..

[ Hans & Franz clap their hands together, but Joseph is not flexivle enough to make it ]

All Together: ..pump..

[ still no go from Joseph ]

All Together: ..to pump..

[ Hans & Franz each grab one of Joseph’s hands and swing them to the other for the clap ]

All Together: ..you up!

Announcer: This has been “Pumping Up With Hans & Franz”.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89: Get To Know Me



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20





88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Get To Know Me

…..Jon Lovitz
…..Paulina Poriskova
…..Don Pardo
Lee Iacocca…..Phil Hartman
…..Steve Martin

[ open on Jon Lovitz sitting at a table in the russian Tea Room with Paulina Poriskova ]

Jon Lovitz: Hello, I’m Job Lovitz, and I’m having lunch in the Russian Tea Room with the most beautiful woman in the world – Paulina! Well, we can’t all be me. But if you’d like to fulfill your dream like I did, then I have one piece of advice for you – Get To Know Me! When did I chip my tooth? Why do I drain my foot? Where is my extra bone? Get To Know Me! Got to go – listen to him!

Don Pardo: Hello! Before I got to know Jon, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody! I was stuck in a room reading voiceovers I could barely understand! And then, I got to know him, and now I get to be on TV! And today, they call me.. Don Pardo!

Jon Lovitz: Get To Know Me! Why do I never wear a hat? Why was I banned from Bangkok? Why do women call me “The Anchor”?

Paulina Poriskova: You.. stud! You gorgeous hunk of male flesh.

Jon Lovitz: [ to the camera ] Yes! [ to Paulina ] Uh.. a little lower and to the left. Get To Know Me! Still wondering if you should? Then listen to him!

Lee Iacocca: Before I got to know Jon, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody! I couldn’t get a job to save my life! And today, they call me.. Lee Iacocca! Get to know him! And buy a Chrysler..

Don Pardo: It works, I tell you, it works!

Jon Lovitz: Get out, I tell you, get out! Get To Know Me! Why do girls speak to me? Do I shave my eyebrows in the middle? Get To Know Me! And now, a final testimonial, from a man who speaks the truth!

Steve Martin: Before I got to know Jon, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody! I was a two-bit comic with an arrow stuck through my head! And then, I got to know him, and now I just starred in a movie called “Parenthood”, directed by Opie! And today, they call me.. Steve Martin!

Jon Lovitz: Thank you.

Steve Martin: Thank you!

Lee Iacocca: It’s true, I tell you, it’s true! Buy a Chrsyler..

Paulina Poriskova: He’s a stud!

Steve Martin: I might do a movie directed by Potsie!

Don Pardo: I’m on TV!

Jon Lovitz: Get To Know Me!!

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89: Steve Martin’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20





88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Steve Martin!

[ audience cheers and applauds ]

Steve Martin: Thank you. Thank you very much. We have a very funny show tonight – Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers are here. And it’s great to be back here tonight.

You know, I’ve been coming here to do “Saturday Night Live” since 1976, and the thing that keeps bringing you back is the people you get to work with.. and I would like to show you something we recorded on this stage in 1978.

[ “Dancing In The Dark” sketch plays ] [ audience applauds wildly ]

Steve Martin: You know, when I look at that tape, I can’t help but think how great she was, and how young I looked. Gilda, we miss you.

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89: Ode to a Loved One



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20



88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Ode to a Loved One

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: When a man meets the woman he loves, everything changes. His heart races, his head spins. And suddenly, all the dozens and dozens of women he’s sleeping with no longer matter. A few years ago, I found the woman I love, and I have put some of my feelings into this little poem:

“Every man needs a woman, and I need you
To lift me when I am sad
To comfort me when I am down
To clean me when I am a drunk
To walk beside me when I want to look like I’m not gay
To walk in front of me when I need someone to act as a human windbreak
To kiss me when I’m horny
To massage when I am tense and/or horny
To make me horny when I’m not horny,
and then to watch me fall asleep.

I need you, darling,
to clean between my toes when they are not clean to my satisfaction.
To pick the nits out of my hair when I have head lice
To try milk for me when I am not ure of the expiration date.
To be there when I need you to be there
and to be out of town the rest of the time

My darling, although it may seem sentimental
I want to take this moment to tell you I love you,
because I don’t want to lose half my stuff.

And even though you are far away across the ocean
I always have this to remind me.”

[ points to his ring finger, where he quickly notices no ring is ]

Sorry.

Good night, my love.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89: Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A Car



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20



88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A Car

Husband…..Steve Martin
Wife…..Victoria Jackson
Driving Instructor…..Kevin Nealon

Jingle:
“Toonces the Driving Cat
The Cat who could drive a car.
He drives around
all over the town
Toonces the Driving Cat!”

Announcer: Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car!

[ open on Husband running into the kitchen ]

Husband: Honey! You won’t believe it! Toonces can drive a car!

Wife: Toonces, our cat?!

Husband: Yeah! Come on! I’ll show ya!

[ cut to Toonces taking his owners for a drive through the country ]

Husband: What a perfect day for a drive.

Wife: Isn’t that pretty?

Husband: It’s a fantastic day.

Wife: Yeah.

[ Toonces skids along the street ]

Husband: See! I told you he could drive!

Wife: Toonces, look out! [ screams ] [ show car flying over cliff ]

Wife: I thought you said he could drive?

Husband: Well, I thought he could – I saw him out there fooling around with the steering wheel, and I.. I guess I just assumed he could drive.

Wife: It’s okay, honey. Anybody would think that..

Husband: [ pointing ] Hey, look! He’s driving away!

[ Toonces peels away ]

Wife: I guess hecan drive!

Husband: Yeah! Just not very well!

Jingle:
He drives around
all over the town.
Toonces the Driving Cat.”

Announcer: Next, on Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car: The Driving Test.

[ dissolve to owners fretting about Toonces’ driving test ]

Wife: You think Toonces will pass his driving test?

Husband: Uh, I don’t know.. that written part is pretty hard – and he can’t even read.

Wife: Maybe he’ll make up for it on the driving part.

Husband: Damn! I wish I could help him!

[ dissolve to Toonces in the car with Driving Instructor ]

Driving Instructor: Alright, sir. If you’ll just go ahead and pull out into traffic..

[ Toonces pulls out ]

Driving Instructor: Look out!! [ screams ] [ show car flying over cliff ]

Jingle: “Toonces the Driving Cat.”

Driving Instructor V/O: How does he reach the pedals?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89: Tammy Wynette Sings the Classics



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20



88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Tammy Wynette Sings the Classics

Tammy Wynette…..Jan Hooks

Announcer: Candelabra Music is proud to present Miss Tammy Wynette in the album of her career – Tammy Wynette Sings The Classics!

Tammy Wynette: [ singing variant of “Moonlight Sonata” ]“Stand by your man
Stand by your man
Oh-ho-oh
Stand.. by.. your.. man!”

Announcer: Yes, the rich voice of country music’s greatest singer, bringing the treasure of music into your home or trailer!

Tammy Wynette: [ singing variant of “Tchaikovsky’s Concerto #1 In B Flat Minor (Stand By Your Man)” ]“Stand by your man
by.. your man
Stand by your man
by.. your man
Stand by your man
by.. your man
Stand by your man
Stand by your man
Oh, stand by your man, girl.”

Tammy Wynette: [ singing variant of “Mozart’s Piano Sonata In C (Stand By Your Man) ]“Stand by your ma-a-an
Stand by your ma-a-an
Sta-a-and.. by-iy-iy.. you-ou-our.. ma-a-an”

Tammy Wynette: [ singing variant of “Beetoven’s Fifth Symphony First Movement (Stand By Your Man)” ]“Stand by your man!
Stand by your man!
Stand by your man, stand by your man, stand by your man!
Stand by your man, stand by your man, stand by your man!
Stand by your man!
Stand by your man!”

Announcer: Just imagine, fifty of the world’s most beloved musical selections, pushed through the mose of the queen of country music!

Tammy Wynette: [ singing ]“Stand by-y-y.. stand by your man!
Stand by your man, stand by your man..”

Announcer: Order now, and you’ll also receive – free – this second album: Boots Randolph’s Yakkity Bartok!

Tammy Wynette: Stand by.. here’s how to order.

Announcer: Send $19.95, check or money order, to Classical Tammy, Route 4, Chagrin Falls, Ohio. Or call 1-800-YOUR-MAN. Operators are standing by.

Tammy Wynette: [ singing ]“Stand by, stand by, stand by, stand by
your.. man!
Whoo!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Wayne Gretzky: 05/13/89: Waikiki Hockey



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 19







88s: Wayne Gretzky / Fine Young Cannibals

Waikiki Hockey

Busboy #1…..Jon Lovitz
Busboy #2…..Kevin Nealon
Chad…..Wayne Gretzky
Mr. Bradford…..Phil Hartman
Kitten/Ann-Margret…..Jan Hooks
Reginald…..Dana Carvey

[ SUPER: “Waikiki Hockey” ] [ SUPER: “A Col. tom Parker Production” ] [ SUPER: “Starring: Wayne Gretzky” ] [ SUPER: “And Ann-Margaret as Kitten” ] [ SUPER: “Creative Consultant: Col. Tom Parker” ] [ dissolve to interior, Reef Hotel ]

Busboy #1: Chad, I didn’t know you played hockey!

Chad: Hockey? What are you talking about?

Busboy #1: Well, what’s with the stick?

Chad: [ holds up piece of driftwood shaped like a hockey stick ] This? It’s just something that washed up on the shore. It’s my lucky stick. I don’t play hockey. You fellas play hockey?

Busboy #2: You better believe it! We’re the best two wings in Honolulu! We play for the Coconut Kings!

Busboy #1: Yeah. Hey, it’s too bad you don’t play, Chad, ’cause today we got the big championship.

Chad: Sorry, fellas, but, like I said, I’ve never played hockey.

Busboy #2: Hey, look! Somebody didn’t like Chef Mulahini’s pork chops! I wonder why? [ knocks pork chop on the table ] They’re as hard as a hockey puck, huh! [ laughs ] [ Chad motions his lucky stick like a hockey stick, knocks the pork chop across the room into a garbage can ]

Busboy #2: I don’t believe it! He hit it right in the garbage can!

Busboy #1: You’re good! Oh, you gotta play for us tonight! We”re playing against our arch rivals – we don’t have a center!

Chad: Sorry, fellas, I don’t use my stick for any competetion.

[ Mr. Bradford enters ]

Mr. Bradford: Hey, hey, hey! Back to work, boys. I don’t pay you to stand around and yak!

Chad: Yes, sir, Mr. Bradford.

[ romantic Hawaiian music pots up, as Mr. Bradford’s daughter, Kitten, enters the restaurant with her snooty boyfriend Reginald ]

Kitten: Daddy? Can I have the keys to the convertible?

Mr. Bradford: Sure, Kitten. [ hands her the keys ] Going shopping?

Kitten: Uh-huh. I need something special for the big hockey game tonight.

Mr. Bradford: What about you, Reginald? Are you ready for the big game tonight?

Reginald: [ locked in a continuous smile as he speaks ] Ab-so-lute-ly! The Fly-ing Yachts-men are in tip-top shaoe – though it hardly matters, we’re playing the Coconut Kings, a collection of bus-boys! [ laughs smugly ]

Kitten: [ to Chad ] You’re new on the island, arent you? My name is Susan Bradford, but my friends call me Kitten. Hi!

Chad: Pleased to meet you. I’m Chad.

[ close-up on Kitten’s lovestruck face, as Hawaiian music reaches climactic twang ]

Reginald: Don’t dillydally, Kitten. I dare-say we’ll be late for lunch at the club. Uh, Bus-boy.. you missed a spot! [ laughs smugly ] [ Kitten and Reginald exit ]

Chad: Fellas, on second thought, maybe I will play in that game tonight.

Busboy #1: Alright!

Busboy #2: Yeah!

[ dissolve to generic footage of the hockey game later that night ]

Announcer: What a night it is at Waikiki Stadium! The Coconut Kings are humiliating the Royal Yachtsmen, thanks to island newcomer Chad Gretzky and his lucky stick! He learned to skate this afternoon, but you’d never know it from the moves he’s showing us tonight! And the final score is Coconut Kings, 10; Flying Yachtsmen, nothing!

[ dissolve to next day, Kitten waterskiing, as Chad moves in from her left ]

Chad: Going my way?

Kitten: I didn’t know you could ski!

Chad: I didn’t know angels could fly so low.

Kitten: I saw you play last night – you were terrific!

Chad: You’re pretty terrific yourself.

[ Reginald moves in from Kitten’s right ]

Reginald: Well, well, well! If it isn’t our hockey-playing bus-boy! You certainly got lucky last night.

[ aghast ] Reggie!

Chad: Maybe I didn’t go to some high-falootin’ Wana-Hockey U.. but I did learn good sportsmanship.

Reginald: Yes.. well, then, be a good sport and go clear some tables. [ snooty laugh ]

Chad: You talk too much. [ pushes Reginald into the water ]

Kitten: Oh! I hope he doesn’t drown.. [ changing the subject ] Are you coming to the big party at Daddy’s hotel tonight?

Chad: I don’t think your Daddy wants me mingling with his fancy guests.

Kitten: No! You’re coming as my escort!

[ dissolve to Daddy’s fancy party later that evening ]

Mr. Bradford: Excuse me. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. It seems that the singer we had booked for this evening can’t make it.

[ crowd awwws ]

Mr. Bradford: I’ve been told that he’s eaten some bad poi.

[ crowd eugghs ]

Mr. Bradford: Yes, we all know what bad poi can do. But it’s a lovely night, so please, stay around and enjoy yourselves.. [ crowd gets up to leave ] Everyone, please stay!

Kitten: Oh, poor Daddy..

Chad: Don’t you worry, Angel. [ steps up before the crowd ] Sit down, everybody! I think you’ll get your money’s worth. [ to the band ] Come on, boys – let’s rock!

[ singing ]”Mona luckahiki means hockey
Mona luckawiki means love
A moonlit ice rink means romance
with my baby and the stars above.”

Chorus:
“Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!
Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!”

Chad:
“I slipped the puck across the goal line
the crowd went crazy and roared.
But when my baby kissed me and held me in my arms
I knew that I had finally scored.”

Chorus:
“Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!
Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!”

Kitten:
“I know why hockey is rockin’
Ice melts, and no one can play!
So we clean up the rinks
and put the ice in our drinks
and say, ‘Mona laki hui ani hey!'”

Chad:
“I say hockey!
Waikiki Hockey
Our way!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts