SNL Transcripts: Wayne Gretzky: 05/13/89: Waikiki Hockey

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 19

88s: Wayne Gretzky / Fine Young Cannibals

Waikiki Hockey

Busboy #1…..Jon Lovitz
Busboy #2…..Kevin Nealon
Chad…..Wayne Gretzky
Mr. Bradford…..Phil Hartman
Kitten/Ann-Margret…..Jan Hooks
Reginald…..Dana Carvey

[ SUPER: “Waikiki Hockey” ] [ SUPER: “A Col. tom Parker Production” ] [ SUPER: “Starring: Wayne Gretzky” ] [ SUPER: “And Ann-Margaret as Kitten” ] [ SUPER: “Creative Consultant: Col. Tom Parker” ] [ dissolve to interior, Reef Hotel ]

Busboy #1: Chad, I didn’t know you played hockey!

Chad: Hockey? What are you talking about?

Busboy #1: Well, what’s with the stick?

Chad: [ holds up piece of driftwood shaped like a hockey stick ] This? It’s just something that washed up on the shore. It’s my lucky stick. I don’t play hockey. You fellas play hockey?

Busboy #2: You better believe it! We’re the best two wings in Honolulu! We play for the Coconut Kings!

Busboy #1: Yeah. Hey, it’s too bad you don’t play, Chad, ’cause today we got the big championship.

Chad: Sorry, fellas, but, like I said, I’ve never played hockey.

Busboy #2: Hey, look! Somebody didn’t like Chef Mulahini’s pork chops! I wonder why? [ knocks pork chop on the table ] They’re as hard as a hockey puck, huh! [ laughs ] [ Chad motions his lucky stick like a hockey stick, knocks the pork chop across the room into a garbage can ]

Busboy #2: I don’t believe it! He hit it right in the garbage can!

Busboy #1: You’re good! Oh, you gotta play for us tonight! We”re playing against our arch rivals – we don’t have a center!

Chad: Sorry, fellas, I don’t use my stick for any competetion.

[ Mr. Bradford enters ]

Mr. Bradford: Hey, hey, hey! Back to work, boys. I don’t pay you to stand around and yak!

Chad: Yes, sir, Mr. Bradford.

[ romantic Hawaiian music pots up, as Mr. Bradford’s daughter, Kitten, enters the restaurant with her snooty boyfriend Reginald ]

Kitten: Daddy? Can I have the keys to the convertible?

Mr. Bradford: Sure, Kitten. [ hands her the keys ] Going shopping?

Kitten: Uh-huh. I need something special for the big hockey game tonight.

Mr. Bradford: What about you, Reginald? Are you ready for the big game tonight?

Reginald: [ locked in a continuous smile as he speaks ] Ab-so-lute-ly! The Fly-ing Yachts-men are in tip-top shaoe – though it hardly matters, we’re playing the Coconut Kings, a collection of bus-boys! [ laughs smugly ]

Kitten: [ to Chad ] You’re new on the island, arent you? My name is Susan Bradford, but my friends call me Kitten. Hi!

Chad: Pleased to meet you. I’m Chad.

[ close-up on Kitten’s lovestruck face, as Hawaiian music reaches climactic twang ]

Reginald: Don’t dillydally, Kitten. I dare-say we’ll be late for lunch at the club. Uh, Bus-boy.. you missed a spot! [ laughs smugly ] [ Kitten and Reginald exit ]

Chad: Fellas, on second thought, maybe I will play in that game tonight.

Busboy #1: Alright!

Busboy #2: Yeah!

[ dissolve to generic footage of the hockey game later that night ]

Announcer: What a night it is at Waikiki Stadium! The Coconut Kings are humiliating the Royal Yachtsmen, thanks to island newcomer Chad Gretzky and his lucky stick! He learned to skate this afternoon, but you’d never know it from the moves he’s showing us tonight! And the final score is Coconut Kings, 10; Flying Yachtsmen, nothing!

[ dissolve to next day, Kitten waterskiing, as Chad moves in from her left ]

Chad: Going my way?

Kitten: I didn’t know you could ski!

Chad: I didn’t know angels could fly so low.

Kitten: I saw you play last night – you were terrific!

Chad: You’re pretty terrific yourself.

[ Reginald moves in from Kitten’s right ]

Reginald: Well, well, well! If it isn’t our hockey-playing bus-boy! You certainly got lucky last night.

[ aghast ] Reggie!

Chad: Maybe I didn’t go to some high-falootin’ Wana-Hockey U.. but I did learn good sportsmanship.

Reginald: Yes.. well, then, be a good sport and go clear some tables. [ snooty laugh ]

Chad: You talk too much. [ pushes Reginald into the water ]

Kitten: Oh! I hope he doesn’t drown.. [ changing the subject ] Are you coming to the big party at Daddy’s hotel tonight?

Chad: I don’t think your Daddy wants me mingling with his fancy guests.

Kitten: No! You’re coming as my escort!

[ dissolve to Daddy’s fancy party later that evening ]

Mr. Bradford: Excuse me. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. It seems that the singer we had booked for this evening can’t make it.

[ crowd awwws ]

Mr. Bradford: I’ve been told that he’s eaten some bad poi.

[ crowd eugghs ]

Mr. Bradford: Yes, we all know what bad poi can do. But it’s a lovely night, so please, stay around and enjoy yourselves.. [ crowd gets up to leave ] Everyone, please stay!

Kitten: Oh, poor Daddy..

Chad: Don’t you worry, Angel. [ steps up before the crowd ] Sit down, everybody! I think you’ll get your money’s worth. [ to the band ] Come on, boys – let’s rock!

[ singing ]”Mona luckahiki means hockey
Mona luckawiki means love
A moonlit ice rink means romance
with my baby and the stars above.”

“Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!
Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!”

“I slipped the puck across the goal line
the crowd went crazy and roared.
But when my baby kissed me and held me in my arms
I knew that I had finally scored.”

“Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!
Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!”

“I know why hockey is rockin’
Ice melts, and no one can play!
So we clean up the rinks
and put the ice in our drinks
and say, ‘Mona laki hui ani hey!'”

“I say hockey!
Waikiki Hockey
Our way!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 20

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


May 20th, 1989

Steve Martin

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers


Lorne Michaels
Timothy Busfield

Paulina Porizkova

Don Pardo

Cheryl Hardwick
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George Bush (Dana Carvey) outlines the accomplishments he’s made after his first 100 days in office.

Recurring Characters: George Bush.



Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: A misty-eyed Steve Martin commemorates Gilda Radner’s death by presenting a clip of a sketch they performed together eleven years earlier.

First Hosted: 76e.


Dancing In The DarkNote: Repeat from: 77r.

Pumping Up With Hans & FranzSummary: Hans (Dana Carvey) and Franz (Kevin Nealon) unveil Joseph Wilhelm Zieglefreud, the world’s most perfectly pumped-up man (Steve Martin).

Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz.


Tammy Wynette Sings the ClassicsSummary: Tammy Wynette (Jan Hooks) sings various classical songs in the tune of “Stand By Your Man”.

Recurring Characters: Tammy Wynette.


Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A CarSummary: Brenda Clark (Victoria Jackson) and her husband (Steve Martin) discover that their pet cat has an odd skill.

Recurring Characters: Brenda Clark, Toonces.


Ode to a Loved OneSummary: Steve Martin expresses his feelings for his woman with a poem.


Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform “Running Down A Dream”First Performed: 79d.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

The New ConeheadsSummary: Lorne Michaels brings the Coneheads back so Beldar (Phil Hartman) and his family can tackle the real issues of the 1980’s.

Bio Timothy Busfield (1957-). Actor; television credits include: “thirtysomething” (1987-91), “The West Wing” (1999-2006), and “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” (2006-07)..

Get To Know Me!Summary: You too can find great success in life just by getting to know Jon Lovitz.

Bio Paulina Porizkova (1965-). Supermodel; co-starred with Tom Selleck in “My Alibi” (1989); married to Cars frontman, Ric Ocasek, since 1989.


Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform “Free Fallin'”

SprocketsSummary: Dieter’s (Mike Myers) lover, Heike (Nora Dunn) reviews a clown performance.

Recurring Characters: Dieter.

Steve’s Good & Bad SidesSummary: Camera angles dictate Steve Martin’s good and bad photographic sides.


Smokers Cable NetworkSummary: News anchors (Phil Hartman, Jan Hooks) smoke and inform.

Have A Bitchin’ SummerSummary: Tonto (Jon Lovitz), Tarzan (Kevin Nealon), and Frankenstein (Phil Hartman) say goodbye for the summer.

Recurring Characters: Tonto, Tarzan, Frankenstein.


SNL Transcripts