SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89: Pumping Up With Hans & Franz



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20



88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

Hans…..Dana Carvey
Franz…..Kevin Nealon
Joseph Wilhelm Zieglefreud…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Welcome to “Pumping Up With Hanz & Franz”, the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.

[ “Theme From 2001: A Space Odyssey” plays, as cameras slowly pan up on Hans & Franz, whose chest muscles begin to sway up and down ]

Together: Welcome! We’re back!

Hans: Alright. Once again, I am Hans..

Franz: And I am Franz. And we just want to..

Together: pump.. [ they clap ] ..you up!

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Alright, enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to..

Together: pump.. [ they clap ] ..you up!

Hans: Alright, before we get started, we’d like to give you something to hear now and think about later: a muscle is a terrible thing to waste.

Franz: Yah. That’s right, Hans. And if you’re gonna be a flabby waste of girly-man, maybe you should be disciplined!

Hans: Yah, believe me now, you know, we should take your wasted muscle..

Franz: Which is flab!cYah! And stretch it into a flab-rope ladder, so you can climb back down into the sewer you crawled out of!

Franz: Alright. Enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to..

Together: pump.. [ they clap ] ..you up!

Franz: You know, many critics have complained that our training methods would never work for your average garden-variety girly-man!

Yah. You know. That’s right, they say we are genetic mutants, you know, like Freddie Krueger!

Franz: Well, Mr. Critic Man, welcome to Nightmare on Muscle Street!

[ they flex their superiority ]

Franz: Here me now, and believe me later – anyone can achieve these results using our method!

Hans: That’s right, and we have proof! We have taken the world’smost pathetic girly-man, and turned him into the embodiment of perfect pumptitude!

Franz: Yah! This was Joseph Wilhem Zieglefreud tweleve weeks ago. [ shows pathetic Before image of Joseph ] And now, here he is today. Behold, the Eighth Womder of the World!

[ “Theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey” plays as an overinflated Joseph is wheeled out on a cart ]

Hans: Alright. Do our methods work? You be the judge. Welcome, Joseph. Now, tell us, has pumpitude changed your life?

Joseph: Oh, yah!

Hans: For the better?

Joseph: Oh, yah!

Hans: Alright. Alright.

Franz: And we understand that, because of your dedication to pumpitude, your wife and your children left you?

Joseph: Yah!

Hans: That’s alright.

Joseph: Yeah. Yah.

Franz: This is common, Joseph. You don’t need your crybaby wife and children to drag you down to their scum-hole!

Joseph: Yah, they are girly-man losers!

Hans: That’s right. Now, we understand, Joseph, you recently had to move out of your apartment?

Joseph: Yah!

Franz: Well.. tell us where you live now.

Joseph: In a circus tent on the edge of town.

Hans: Hear that, Critic Man!

Franz: But don’t be thinking that, because he lives in a circus tent, he’s some kind of freak!

Hans: That’s right! Can a freak do this?

[ Hans, Franz and Joseph all flex their muscles superiorily, although Joseph barely gets any flexibility due to the massive size of his perfect muscles ]

Franz: Now, you might have noticed a slight flexibility in Joseph. Does that bother you?

Joseph: It is a small price to pay.

Hans: That’s right, Joseph. One more question, you know. Tell our viewers what you would do if a girly-man kicks sand in your face?

Joseph: Hear me now, and believe me later, and think about it sometime, but make a note of it now – if I were just a little bit more flexible, I would kill you!

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Alright, alright..

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Well, you know, looking at my watch, I can see we are just about out of time.

Joseph: I can’t look at my watch.

Hans: That’s right. I think we proved our point. Once again, I am Hans..

Franz: I am Franz..

Joseph: And I am the world’s most perfectly pumped-up man!

All Together: And we just want to.. pump..

[ Hans & Franz clap their hands together, but Joseph is not flexivle enough to make it ]

All Together: ..pump..

[ still no go from Joseph ]

All Together: ..to pump..

[ Hans & Franz each grab one of Joseph’s hands and swing them to the other for the clap ]

All Together: ..you up!

Announcer: This has been “Pumping Up With Hans & Franz”.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89: Get To Know Me



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20





88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Get To Know Me

…..Jon Lovitz
…..Paulina Poriskova
…..Don Pardo
Lee Iacocca…..Phil Hartman
…..Steve Martin

[ open on Jon Lovitz sitting at a table in the russian Tea Room with Paulina Poriskova ]

Jon Lovitz: Hello, I’m Job Lovitz, and I’m having lunch in the Russian Tea Room with the most beautiful woman in the world – Paulina! Well, we can’t all be me. But if you’d like to fulfill your dream like I did, then I have one piece of advice for you – Get To Know Me! When did I chip my tooth? Why do I drain my foot? Where is my extra bone? Get To Know Me! Got to go – listen to him!

Don Pardo: Hello! Before I got to know Jon, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody! I was stuck in a room reading voiceovers I could barely understand! And then, I got to know him, and now I get to be on TV! And today, they call me.. Don Pardo!

Jon Lovitz: Get To Know Me! Why do I never wear a hat? Why was I banned from Bangkok? Why do women call me “The Anchor”?

Paulina Poriskova: You.. stud! You gorgeous hunk of male flesh.

Jon Lovitz: [ to the camera ] Yes! [ to Paulina ] Uh.. a little lower and to the left. Get To Know Me! Still wondering if you should? Then listen to him!

Lee Iacocca: Before I got to know Jon, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody! I couldn’t get a job to save my life! And today, they call me.. Lee Iacocca! Get to know him! And buy a Chrysler..

Don Pardo: It works, I tell you, it works!

Jon Lovitz: Get out, I tell you, get out! Get To Know Me! Why do girls speak to me? Do I shave my eyebrows in the middle? Get To Know Me! And now, a final testimonial, from a man who speaks the truth!

Steve Martin: Before I got to know Jon, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody! I was a two-bit comic with an arrow stuck through my head! And then, I got to know him, and now I just starred in a movie called “Parenthood”, directed by Opie! And today, they call me.. Steve Martin!

Jon Lovitz: Thank you.

Steve Martin: Thank you!

Lee Iacocca: It’s true, I tell you, it’s true! Buy a Chrsyler..

Paulina Poriskova: He’s a stud!

Steve Martin: I might do a movie directed by Potsie!

Don Pardo: I’m on TV!

Jon Lovitz: Get To Know Me!!

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89: Steve Martin’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20





88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Steve Martin!

[ audience cheers and applauds ]

Steve Martin: Thank you. Thank you very much. We have a very funny show tonight – Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers are here. And it’s great to be back here tonight.

You know, I’ve been coming here to do “Saturday Night Live” since 1976, and the thing that keeps bringing you back is the people you get to work with.. and I would like to show you something we recorded on this stage in 1978.

[ “Dancing In The Dark” sketch plays ] [ audience applauds wildly ]

Steve Martin: You know, when I look at that tape, I can’t help but think how great she was, and how young I looked. Gilda, we miss you.

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89: Ode to a Loved One



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20



88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Ode to a Loved One

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: When a man meets the woman he loves, everything changes. His heart races, his head spins. And suddenly, all the dozens and dozens of women he’s sleeping with no longer matter. A few years ago, I found the woman I love, and I have put some of my feelings into this little poem:

“Every man needs a woman, and I need you
To lift me when I am sad
To comfort me when I am down
To clean me when I am a drunk
To walk beside me when I want to look like I’m not gay
To walk in front of me when I need someone to act as a human windbreak
To kiss me when I’m horny
To massage when I am tense and/or horny
To make me horny when I’m not horny,
and then to watch me fall asleep.

I need you, darling,
to clean between my toes when they are not clean to my satisfaction.
To pick the nits out of my hair when I have head lice
To try milk for me when I am not ure of the expiration date.
To be there when I need you to be there
and to be out of town the rest of the time

My darling, although it may seem sentimental
I want to take this moment to tell you I love you,
because I don’t want to lose half my stuff.

And even though you are far away across the ocean
I always have this to remind me.”

[ points to his ring finger, where he quickly notices no ring is ]

Sorry.

Good night, my love.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89: Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A Car



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20



88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A Car

Husband…..Steve Martin
Wife…..Victoria Jackson
Driving Instructor…..Kevin Nealon

Jingle:
“Toonces the Driving Cat
The Cat who could drive a car.
He drives around
all over the town
Toonces the Driving Cat!”

Announcer: Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car!

[ open on Husband running into the kitchen ]

Husband: Honey! You won’t believe it! Toonces can drive a car!

Wife: Toonces, our cat?!

Husband: Yeah! Come on! I’ll show ya!

[ cut to Toonces taking his owners for a drive through the country ]

Husband: What a perfect day for a drive.

Wife: Isn’t that pretty?

Husband: It’s a fantastic day.

Wife: Yeah.

[ Toonces skids along the street ]

Husband: See! I told you he could drive!

Wife: Toonces, look out! [ screams ] [ show car flying over cliff ]

Wife: I thought you said he could drive?

Husband: Well, I thought he could – I saw him out there fooling around with the steering wheel, and I.. I guess I just assumed he could drive.

Wife: It’s okay, honey. Anybody would think that..

Husband: [ pointing ] Hey, look! He’s driving away!

[ Toonces peels away ]

Wife: I guess hecan drive!

Husband: Yeah! Just not very well!

Jingle:
He drives around
all over the town.
Toonces the Driving Cat.”

Announcer: Next, on Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car: The Driving Test.

[ dissolve to owners fretting about Toonces’ driving test ]

Wife: You think Toonces will pass his driving test?

Husband: Uh, I don’t know.. that written part is pretty hard – and he can’t even read.

Wife: Maybe he’ll make up for it on the driving part.

Husband: Damn! I wish I could help him!

[ dissolve to Toonces in the car with Driving Instructor ]

Driving Instructor: Alright, sir. If you’ll just go ahead and pull out into traffic..

[ Toonces pulls out ]

Driving Instructor: Look out!! [ screams ] [ show car flying over cliff ]

Jingle: “Toonces the Driving Cat.”

Driving Instructor V/O: How does he reach the pedals?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89: Tammy Wynette Sings the Classics



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20



88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Tammy Wynette Sings the Classics

Tammy Wynette…..Jan Hooks

Announcer: Candelabra Music is proud to present Miss Tammy Wynette in the album of her career – Tammy Wynette Sings The Classics!

Tammy Wynette: [ singing variant of “Moonlight Sonata” ]“Stand by your man
Stand by your man
Oh-ho-oh
Stand.. by.. your.. man!”

Announcer: Yes, the rich voice of country music’s greatest singer, bringing the treasure of music into your home or trailer!

Tammy Wynette: [ singing variant of “Tchaikovsky’s Concerto #1 In B Flat Minor (Stand By Your Man)” ]“Stand by your man
by.. your man
Stand by your man
by.. your man
Stand by your man
by.. your man
Stand by your man
Stand by your man
Oh, stand by your man, girl.”

Tammy Wynette: [ singing variant of “Mozart’s Piano Sonata In C (Stand By Your Man) ]“Stand by your ma-a-an
Stand by your ma-a-an
Sta-a-and.. by-iy-iy.. you-ou-our.. ma-a-an”

Tammy Wynette: [ singing variant of “Beetoven’s Fifth Symphony First Movement (Stand By Your Man)” ]“Stand by your man!
Stand by your man!
Stand by your man, stand by your man, stand by your man!
Stand by your man, stand by your man, stand by your man!
Stand by your man!
Stand by your man!”

Announcer: Just imagine, fifty of the world’s most beloved musical selections, pushed through the mose of the queen of country music!

Tammy Wynette: [ singing ]“Stand by-y-y.. stand by your man!
Stand by your man, stand by your man..”

Announcer: Order now, and you’ll also receive – free – this second album: Boots Randolph’s Yakkity Bartok!

Tammy Wynette: Stand by.. here’s how to order.

Announcer: Send $19.95, check or money order, to Classical Tammy, Route 4, Chagrin Falls, Ohio. Or call 1-800-YOUR-MAN. Operators are standing by.

Tammy Wynette: [ singing ]“Stand by, stand by, stand by, stand by
your.. man!
Whoo!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Wayne Gretzky: 05/13/89: Waikiki Hockey



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 19







88s: Wayne Gretzky / Fine Young Cannibals

Waikiki Hockey

Busboy #1…..Jon Lovitz
Busboy #2…..Kevin Nealon
Chad…..Wayne Gretzky
Mr. Bradford…..Phil Hartman
Kitten/Ann-Margret…..Jan Hooks
Reginald…..Dana Carvey

[ SUPER: “Waikiki Hockey” ] [ SUPER: “A Col. tom Parker Production” ] [ SUPER: “Starring: Wayne Gretzky” ] [ SUPER: “And Ann-Margaret as Kitten” ] [ SUPER: “Creative Consultant: Col. Tom Parker” ] [ dissolve to interior, Reef Hotel ]

Busboy #1: Chad, I didn’t know you played hockey!

Chad: Hockey? What are you talking about?

Busboy #1: Well, what’s with the stick?

Chad: [ holds up piece of driftwood shaped like a hockey stick ] This? It’s just something that washed up on the shore. It’s my lucky stick. I don’t play hockey. You fellas play hockey?

Busboy #2: You better believe it! We’re the best two wings in Honolulu! We play for the Coconut Kings!

Busboy #1: Yeah. Hey, it’s too bad you don’t play, Chad, ’cause today we got the big championship.

Chad: Sorry, fellas, but, like I said, I’ve never played hockey.

Busboy #2: Hey, look! Somebody didn’t like Chef Mulahini’s pork chops! I wonder why? [ knocks pork chop on the table ] They’re as hard as a hockey puck, huh! [ laughs ] [ Chad motions his lucky stick like a hockey stick, knocks the pork chop across the room into a garbage can ]

Busboy #2: I don’t believe it! He hit it right in the garbage can!

Busboy #1: You’re good! Oh, you gotta play for us tonight! We”re playing against our arch rivals – we don’t have a center!

Chad: Sorry, fellas, I don’t use my stick for any competetion.

[ Mr. Bradford enters ]

Mr. Bradford: Hey, hey, hey! Back to work, boys. I don’t pay you to stand around and yak!

Chad: Yes, sir, Mr. Bradford.

[ romantic Hawaiian music pots up, as Mr. Bradford’s daughter, Kitten, enters the restaurant with her snooty boyfriend Reginald ]

Kitten: Daddy? Can I have the keys to the convertible?

Mr. Bradford: Sure, Kitten. [ hands her the keys ] Going shopping?

Kitten: Uh-huh. I need something special for the big hockey game tonight.

Mr. Bradford: What about you, Reginald? Are you ready for the big game tonight?

Reginald: [ locked in a continuous smile as he speaks ] Ab-so-lute-ly! The Fly-ing Yachts-men are in tip-top shaoe – though it hardly matters, we’re playing the Coconut Kings, a collection of bus-boys! [ laughs smugly ]

Kitten: [ to Chad ] You’re new on the island, arent you? My name is Susan Bradford, but my friends call me Kitten. Hi!

Chad: Pleased to meet you. I’m Chad.

[ close-up on Kitten’s lovestruck face, as Hawaiian music reaches climactic twang ]

Reginald: Don’t dillydally, Kitten. I dare-say we’ll be late for lunch at the club. Uh, Bus-boy.. you missed a spot! [ laughs smugly ] [ Kitten and Reginald exit ]

Chad: Fellas, on second thought, maybe I will play in that game tonight.

Busboy #1: Alright!

Busboy #2: Yeah!

[ dissolve to generic footage of the hockey game later that night ]

Announcer: What a night it is at Waikiki Stadium! The Coconut Kings are humiliating the Royal Yachtsmen, thanks to island newcomer Chad Gretzky and his lucky stick! He learned to skate this afternoon, but you’d never know it from the moves he’s showing us tonight! And the final score is Coconut Kings, 10; Flying Yachtsmen, nothing!

[ dissolve to next day, Kitten waterskiing, as Chad moves in from her left ]

Chad: Going my way?

Kitten: I didn’t know you could ski!

Chad: I didn’t know angels could fly so low.

Kitten: I saw you play last night – you were terrific!

Chad: You’re pretty terrific yourself.

[ Reginald moves in from Kitten’s right ]

Reginald: Well, well, well! If it isn’t our hockey-playing bus-boy! You certainly got lucky last night.

[ aghast ] Reggie!

Chad: Maybe I didn’t go to some high-falootin’ Wana-Hockey U.. but I did learn good sportsmanship.

Reginald: Yes.. well, then, be a good sport and go clear some tables. [ snooty laugh ]

Chad: You talk too much. [ pushes Reginald into the water ]

Kitten: Oh! I hope he doesn’t drown.. [ changing the subject ] Are you coming to the big party at Daddy’s hotel tonight?

Chad: I don’t think your Daddy wants me mingling with his fancy guests.

Kitten: No! You’re coming as my escort!

[ dissolve to Daddy’s fancy party later that evening ]

Mr. Bradford: Excuse me. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. It seems that the singer we had booked for this evening can’t make it.

[ crowd awwws ]

Mr. Bradford: I’ve been told that he’s eaten some bad poi.

[ crowd eugghs ]

Mr. Bradford: Yes, we all know what bad poi can do. But it’s a lovely night, so please, stay around and enjoy yourselves.. [ crowd gets up to leave ] Everyone, please stay!

Kitten: Oh, poor Daddy..

Chad: Don’t you worry, Angel. [ steps up before the crowd ] Sit down, everybody! I think you’ll get your money’s worth. [ to the band ] Come on, boys – let’s rock!

[ singing ]”Mona luckahiki means hockey
Mona luckawiki means love
A moonlit ice rink means romance
with my baby and the stars above.”

Chorus:
“Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!
Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!”

Chad:
“I slipped the puck across the goal line
the crowd went crazy and roared.
But when my baby kissed me and held me in my arms
I knew that I had finally scored.”

Chorus:
“Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!
Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!”

Kitten:
“I know why hockey is rockin’
Ice melts, and no one can play!
So we clean up the rinks
and put the ice in our drinks
and say, ‘Mona laki hui ani hey!'”

Chad:
“I say hockey!
Waikiki Hockey
Our way!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 20th, 1989

Steve Martin

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

None

Lorne Michaels
Timothy Busfield

Paulina Porizkova

Don Pardo

Cheryl Hardwick
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George Bush (Dana Carvey) outlines the accomplishments he’s made after his first 100 days in office.

Recurring Characters: George Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: A misty-eyed Steve Martin commemorates Gilda Radner’s death by presenting a clip of a sketch they performed together eleven years earlier.

First Hosted: 76e.

Transcript

Dancing In The DarkNote: Repeat from: 77r.

Pumping Up With Hans & FranzSummary: Hans (Dana Carvey) and Franz (Kevin Nealon) unveil Joseph Wilhelm Zieglefreud, the world’s most perfectly pumped-up man (Steve Martin).

Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz.

Transcript

Tammy Wynette Sings the ClassicsSummary: Tammy Wynette (Jan Hooks) sings various classical songs in the tune of “Stand By Your Man”.

Recurring Characters: Tammy Wynette.

Transcript

Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A CarSummary: Brenda Clark (Victoria Jackson) and her husband (Steve Martin) discover that their pet cat has an odd skill.

Recurring Characters: Brenda Clark, Toonces.

Transcript

Ode to a Loved OneSummary: Steve Martin expresses his feelings for his woman with a poem.

Transcript

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform “Running Down A Dream”First Performed: 79d.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

The New ConeheadsSummary: Lorne Michaels brings the Coneheads back so Beldar (Phil Hartman) and his family can tackle the real issues of the 1980’s.

Bio Timothy Busfield (1957-). Actor; television credits include: “thirtysomething” (1987-91), “The West Wing” (1999-2006), and “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” (2006-07)..

Get To Know Me!Summary: You too can find great success in life just by getting to know Jon Lovitz.

Bio Paulina Porizkova (1965-). Supermodel; co-starred with Tom Selleck in “My Alibi” (1989); married to Cars frontman, Ric Ocasek, since 1989.

Transcript

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform “Free Fallin'”

SprocketsSummary: Dieter’s (Mike Myers) lover, Heike (Nora Dunn) reviews a clown performance.

Recurring Characters: Dieter.

Steve’s Good & Bad SidesSummary: Camera angles dictate Steve Martin’s good and bad photographic sides.

Transcript

Smokers Cable NetworkSummary: News anchors (Phil Hartman, Jan Hooks) smoke and inform.

Have A Bitchin’ SummerSummary: Tonto (Jon Lovitz), Tarzan (Kevin Nealon), and Frankenstein (Phil Hartman) say goodbye for the summer.

Recurring Characters: Tonto, Tarzan, Frankenstein.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89: A Message From the President of the United States



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20



88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

A Message From the President of the United States

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey

Announcer: Now, from the White House, the President of the United States.

President George Bush: Good evening. I want to thank the networks for granting me this time to talk about inflation – halfway around the world. I’m talking about China, where a wind is blowing – excuse me.. excuse me.. – a breeze. Can’t call it a wind – not enough in-for-ma-tion. A breeze of democracy in China. You know, Bar and I spent some time in China, and one thing about the Chinese people.. well.. they’re good! Good people!

China – gonna become democratized or not, can’t tell ya, not enough in-for-ma-tion. Not gonna be drawn into that at this junc-ture. Why? Because I’ve got responsibilities. President. 119 days in the White House – still lots to do, lots of work done. Repainting, floors sanded – you betcha! Polyurethane, defective wiring replaced.. Dan Quayle still gaining acceptance. Bush Family dog’s happy. Yes sir, good story on it, cover of Life Magazine.. Bar there, right on that cover. President’s dog, gotta be a happy life, you know?

Crime in the streets of America. Thugs and punks ruining our neighborhoods – it’s bad! It’s bad! There are those who say I should go out on those streets, see the problem firsthand. Not gonna do it! Not going up to Harlem alone, late at night – wouldn’t be prudent! You know, the Coast Guard down there, doing what they do, guarding the coast – the entire coast guarded.

Once again, that breeze of democracy, blowing around like it does, going around and around, swirling out there, going, ready to cross that ocean, out over there to Panama. That’s right – Panama – and that thug, Mr. Noriega. I know all about General Manuel Noriega. Knew the man when I was down there, as part of that Reagan-Bush team. Never talked to him, never met him. No, sir. Just watched him from a distance – spied on him. Always behind him, lurking around behind some shrubery, crouching down. Never met the man face-to-face, you know? Never part of any drugs-for-weapons deal! Wouldn’t be prudent!

So, to sum up: breeze, White House, China, Bar and the dog – good! Thugs, crime, acid rain – bad! Noriega – don’t know him.

Now, they’re trying to drag me into that “Live, from New York” thing, that old deal they got every week down there. Not gonna do it. Not gonna go out there and say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiight!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89: Steve’s Good & Bad Sides



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20



88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Steve’s Good & Bad Sides

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Hi. Have you noticed how.. good I’ve looked tonight? Well, it’s no accident I have simply discovered that I have a good side and a bad side – most leading men do. Don’t believe me? Watch.

[ turns head to stage right, cocked upward ] Beautiful.. [ turns head at an angle ] ..interesting looking.. [ stares straight into camera ] ..quite plain.. [ turns head to stage left ] ..hideous.

Once again, now, that’s.. [ turns head to stage right, cocked upward ] Beautiful.. [ turns head at an angle ] ..interesting looking.. [ stares straight into camera ] ..quite plain.. [ turns head to stage left ] ..hideous.

Let me personify that for you.

[ turns head to stage left ] Mel Brooks.. [ stares straight into camera ] ..Mel Blanc.. [ turns head to angle at stage right ] ..Mel Torme.. [ turns head to stage right, cocked upward ] ..Mel Gibson.

As the show continues, you’ll notice how the cameraman never ever shows my bad side. Enjoy.

[ starts to exit stage left facing that direction, then catches himself, turns to face stage right and exits stage walking backwards ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts