Category: 1988

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

The Five Beatles

Albert Goldman…..Phil Hartman
John Lennon…..Matthew Broderick
Paul McCartney…..Dana Carvey
George Harrison…..Dennis Miller
Ringo Starr…..Jon Lovitz
Elvis…..Kevin Nealon
Roadie……Tom Davis

[ open on a series of press publications regarding Albert Goldman’s biography of John Lennon – cut to Goldman speaking to the press ]

Albert Goldman: And I’m telling you, it’s all true.

Reporters: Mr. Goldman! Mr. Goldman!

First Reporter: What about the allegations that you lied?

Second Reporter: Many sources say you misquoted them.

Third Reporter: It almost seems like you had a personal grudge against John Lennon.

Albert Goldman: [ sarcastically ] Oh, alright.. I lied, print it. Albert Goldman is a liar! [ seriously ] I had to do it! Don’t you understand! After what they did to me?

Reporters: What? Did what to you?

Albert Goldman: [ reminiscing ] It all started 25 years ago, back in Liverpool. [ screen ripples, prompting a flashback, but returns to normal ] It was a long time ago.. [ screen ripples again, but still goes nowhere ] Oh, concentrate harder, for goodness sake!

[ screen finally goes into a flashback, fading to black-and-white, outside a nightclub, with superimposed title: “The Cavern, Liverpool, 1963.” Cut to inside the Cavern, where a young audience waits for the Beatles to arrive on stage. ]

Announcer: And now, ladies and gentleman, it’s time for our next act. Please give them a big Cavern welcome: John, Paul, George, Albert Goldman and Ringo, the five Beatles!

[ The Beatles enter onto the stage amidst enthusiastic screams from onlookers ]

Paul McCartney: [ giving the cue ] One two three four! [ band breaks into a rendition of “I Saw Her Standing There,” and the crowd goes wild ] [ singing ]

“She was just seventeen, and you know what I mean,
And the way she looked was way beyond compare,
I’d never danced with another, ooh!
When I saw her standing there.”

[ after the verse, Goldman breaks into a trombone solo, which brings a silence to the room. The music dallies off and Goldman is left hanging on an out-of-tune note. Screams suddenly return with the next verse ]

Paul McCartney: “Well we danced through the night,
and we held each other tight,
And before too long, I fell in love with her,
I’ll never dance with another, ooh!
When I saw her standing there,
When I saw her standing there.”

[ band ends on another note by Goldman, and again the audience turns silent, after which the Beatles leave the stage unenthusiastically ]

Announcer: The five Beatles! John, Paul, George, Albert Goldman and Ringo!

[ cut to backstage – Albert Goldman still looks the same as in the present, and speaks in a distinct American accent ]

Albert Goldman: [ irritated ] Where were you guys on that cue? I mean, come on, please, meet me halfway!

John Lennon: Sorry, Albert.

Albert Goldman: Actions, not words, fellas, comprende? Eh, Ringo? Alright, I gotta go grab some stuff. Nobody touch my horn! [ puts the horn aside and exits ]

Paul McCartney: I think we’ve got to talk about Albert.

George Harrison: Yeah, he’s a real problem.

Paul McCartney: Yeah, John.

John Lennon: Now fellas, fellas.. come on, fellas, he’s a nice guy.

Paul McCartney: Come on, John, don’t be daft. He’s a real drag!

George Harrison: Yeah, he just doesn’t fit in somehow.

John Lennon: Look fellas, we’re the only friends he’s got; we should show him some compassion. Besides his parents were nice enough to buy these amplifiers for us. Least we could do is be supportive.

Paul McCartney: Ringo, what’s your opinion?

Ringo Starr: [ uptight ] Oh listen, I don’t know.. whatever you fellas think. I mean, I’m just happy to be here.

John Lennon: No really, Ringo, tell us what you think.

Ringo Starr: [ hesitating ] Well.. alright then. Well, I think there are several points to consider. For one thing, we must remember this is a business first, and two, if people in the band are unhappy, it will affect the performance, and three, this is a crucial stage in our development, and I think..

Paul McCartney: Alright, alright, Ringo! I think that’s enough!

Ringo Starr: Well, whatever you guys think. I’m just happy to be here.

John Lennon: I just don’t see why you fellas don’t like him. I mean, he’s never had a nasty word for anyone.

[ a Roadie appears at the doorway ]

Roadie: Hello lads, you’ve got a visitor!

[ Elvis enters ]

Elvis: Hello everybody!

Beatles: Elvis!

Paul McCartney: Elvis, we’re your biggest fans!

John Lennon: What are you doing here, Elvis?

Elvis: I was doin’ two movies across the street and I heard your music, and it set my feet a-tappin’! Thought I’d come over to do some investigatin’!

Ringo Starr: Well, did you like it?

Elvis: You bet! Except for one thing – you gotta lose that fat, bald, unattractive guy who plays the horn.

John Lennon: But he’s a good friend!

Elvis: Listen, Lennon, you gotta remember – it’s a business first.

Ringo Starr: That’s what I said.

Paul McCartney: Quiet, Ringo! Elvis is talking!

Elvis: You gotta lose him. So now which one of yous here’s the leader?

Paul McCartney: I’m the leader.

Elvis: Well then, you’re gonna have to tell him.

Paul McCartney: [ retracting ] Oh, the “leeeeader“! Oh, well.. John’s the “leeeeader“!

George Harrison: It has to be done, John. It’s up to you.

John Lennon: [ pauses, then sighs ] Alright, I’ll do it. [ other Beatles get up to leave ]

Paul McCartney: Good for you, John!

George Harrison: Good luck, John!

Paul McCartney: Good luck, John.

Ringo Starr: [ presents a drum to John ] Here, John, take this. It’s me lucky drum. [ John accepts and puts it aside ]

Elvis: Here he comes. I’ll be right back here in case you need me. [ he goes into a hidden corner, off-camera, as Goldman returns ]

Albert Goldman: [ impatiently ] Well, now.. where is everybody? We have another set in five minutes! I told everyone to be here to rehearse “She Loves You, Wah Wah Wah.”

John Lennon: Actually, Albert, there’s no reason to rehearse.

Albert Goldman: [ surprised ] Oh really, Mr. Layabout? Did you hear the same set that I heard? Audience not liking, Beatles dying!

John Lennon: I hate to say this, Albert, but.. you’re out of the group.

Albert Goldman: [ crestfallen ] What?

John Lennon: Please don’t be upset, it’s hard enough as it is.

Albert Goldman: I just don’t get it. Is it because I’m bald and fat?

John Lennon: No.

Albert Goldman: Then why? Whose idea was this?

John Lennon: Everybody’s. Paul, George, Ringo, me..

Elvis: [ coming out of hiding ] And me.

Albert Goldman: [ does a double take in disbelief ] Elvis?!

Elvis: That’s right, son. You got no talent, you look bad. Get out of the business.

Albert Goldman: Well, you’ve got some nerve!

Elvis: And another thing – you oughtta watch your weight. Clean up your act, stay away from that junk food. Remembe – you are what you eat.

John Lennon: Sorry, Albert.

Albert Goldman: [ angry ] You think it’s so easy, don’t you? “Sorry, Albert, no hard feelings!” Well, I’ve got news for you, Mr. Presley, and you, too, Mr. Lennon! I’ll get my revenge! Maybe not soon.. maybe not for some time, because I’m a little scared of you. But some day, I’ll be back! [ shouts hysterically ] I’ll be back! [ storms out of the room ] I’ll be back! [ an echoing, sinister laugh is heard after he leaves. Elvis and John look on ]

Elvis: There goes the grace of God.

John Lennon: It’s a real shame.

Elvis: Come on, let’s go get some health food. [ he and John exit out the doorway ] [ screen fades out of the flashback, back to Goldman and the press ]

Albert Goldman: Well, that’s my story.

Reporter: So what ever happened to Elvis?

Albert Goldman: Oh, well, he became a big.. [a sullen look suddenly appears on his face as he realizes the reporter’s intention ] Who asked that question?! [ Reporters laugh hysterically ] I’ll get you!!!

[ fade to black ]

Submitted by: Rob Holtman

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

Cooking With Monkey

Don Winston…..Dana Carvey
Chef Antoine…..Jon Lovitz
Patron #1…..Jan Hooks
Patron #2…..Victoria Jackson
Patron #3…..Dennis Miller

[ Fade in to a kitchen as title card is shown ]

Don Winston: Good afternoon, and welcome once again to “Cooking With Monkey.” I’m your host, Don Winston. Tonight we’ll be making Monkey Casserole Mexicali, a spicy monkey dish from south of the border. [ takes a pot out of the oven ] All right. Mm-mm. [ sets it on the cutting board and lifts the lid ] Huh? The chiles just really wake up the monkey. Heh heh.Now, before we get started, I was at the zoo today, and I noticed something. Maybe you’ve noticed this too. They always put the snack bar right next to the monkey house. It’s true. And you know why, don’t you? It’s because you go in there, you see those monkeys and you get hungry. You walk outside, and there’s the snack bar. Pretty smart I guess, huh? Anyway, just something I noticed.And now, let’s get to our mailbag. [ picks up a letter ] This letter is from Jennifer Carson of Stockton, Texas, and she writes, “Dear Don, recently I served your recipe for Orange Monkey Flambé to my neighbors, but when I wheeled the flaming monkey out into the dining room, I was greeted with stares instead of the applause I was expecting. Did I not follow the recipe correctly?” Probably you followed the recipe, but guests can be intimidated by the sight of a flaming monkey. It’s a little too fancy for a get-to-know-you dinner. A better choice would have been something like … uh, Monkey Loaf with three bean salad, or even just Monkey Pot Pie.Okay, let’s get back to our recipe for Monkey Casserole Mexicali. Mm-mm! The first thing, of course, is good monkey meat. [ displays it in a bowl ] Now, it’s important to use a young monkey. [ holds up a photograph ] This is the monkey we’re preparing today. His name was Pepe and he was less than a year old. I had a little of him this morning and he was so good I couldn’t help but pick at him all day. [ chuckles ] You know what I’m talking about.The second thing you want with monkey meat is freshness. In fact, I had a chance recently to talk about this with the famous French chef Antoine at Monkey House on East 48th Street here in Manhattan. Can we roll that tape, please?[ the tape begins with an outdoor shot of NYC at night ]

Don Winston V/O: The French Monkey House is just an elegant spot for fine monkey dining.

[ fade to Antoine talking to Don ]

Chef Antoine: I cannot emphasize enough how important is ze monkey freshness.

Don Winston: So you wouldn’t use, say, a frozen monkey? [ Antoine scowls, and Don nods. Don notices a monkey habitat behind them ] Hey, um – what, what is this over here, chef?

Chef Antoine: Oh, well, to ensure the freshness, we have ze live monkeys here in ze restaurant, and ze patrons can pick out the monkey they desire, of course, and we have the monkeys in a glass cage, to keep the stink from coming out.

Waiter: Your order, madame?

Patron #1: Oh, I don’t know, [ points ] I think I’ll take that frisky one, the one swinging around up there? [ to husband ] Is that good? [ husband nods, waiter takes another order ]

Waiter: Madame?

Patron #2: I’ll take that one that was riding the tricycle.

[ the waiter nods, walks to patron #3 ]

Patron #3: And I would like the little one that’s clinging to the bigger one.

Waiter: Oui, monsieur.

Don Winston: Chef Antoine, let me ask you a question: what about people who say it’s wrong to eat monkey? … With a rosé? (wine)

Chef Antoine: Rosé? Pphhht! Ha ha ha ha ha! [ Don laughs along with him ] [ fade to another outdoor shot of NYC at night ]

Don Winston V/O: As we bid adieu to the French Monkey House, we say … goodbye … to the French Monkey House.

[ back to Don in the kitchen ]

Don Winston: Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today. You know, I’m sorry I didn’t get to show you how to prepare Monkey Casserole Mexicali, but once again, here’s how it looks when it’s done. [ lifts the lid off the pot ] Mmmm! Pepe es muy bueno!Now if you’d like a copy of this recipe, plus one of my patented monkey de-boners, please sent $4.98 to [ the address is displayed ] Cooking With Monkey, Top of the Empire State Building, New York, New York. And join us next week, when our recipe will be Monkey in a Blanket. Mm-mm. I’m Don Winston. Bye now.

[ Title card displayed again. Fade to SNL Band ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

Matthew Broderick’s Monologue

…..Matthew Broderick

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen — Matthew Broderick!

[ Matthew takes center stage as the audience applauds ]

Matthew Broderick: Thanks! Thanks! Thank you very much. Thanks a lot. It’s great to be here. It’s great to be here. I can’t believe I’m finally hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I should tell you, I’m pretty nervous, um, this is my first time doing live television, and it’s a little scary.

[ turns to camera B ]

There are several rules for doing a monologue on a show like this.

[ text appears above him: “TIPS FOR THE MONOLOGUE”, followed by bullet points ]

The first rule is to project vulnerability. You pretend you’re nervous, and it helps get the audience on your side. Also, it’s good to remind them that this is a live show and that anything can happen.

[ turns back to camera A ]

This is a live show, and anything can happen … [ touches forehead ] especially when you’re working with a group like this, because after spending a week with these people, I can tell you, this group is crazy.

[ turns to camera B ]

Rule number two: Always say “This group is crazy”. It reinforces the element of danger, and it flatters the writers, makes them feel like they haven’t lost their edge.

[ turns to camera A ]

Boy, let me tell you, live TV is the scariest thing in the world. I mean, if you mess up something on live TV, that’s it. You don’t get to do it three or four times like you get to do in the movies.

[ turns to camera B ]

Rule number three: Always work in a mention of your movie.

[ turns to camera A ]

Speaking of movies, I just completed one. It’s called “Torch Song Trilogy” and it’s opening December 14. [ applause ] I’m feeling — I’m feeling better now and uh, I’m all relaxed and well-rehearsed, and my hands are clean.

[ turns to camera B ]

Rule number four: Employees must wash their hands.

[ turns to camera A ]

So — it’s gonna be a great show. We have the Sugarcubes here, so stick around! We’ll be right back!

[ applause ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

Nude Beach

Bob…..Dana Carvey
Doug…..Matthew Broderick
Jack…..Kevin Nealon
Ted…..Dennis Miller
Bill…..Jon Lovitz
Woman #1…..Victoria Jackson
Woman #2…..Nora Dunn

[ a couple of guys walk around a nude beach ]

Bob: Is this great or what?

Doug: I feel a little self-conscious, Bob. I mean, I’ve never been to a nude beach before.

Bob: Aw, listen, Doug, you don’t have to worry about that here. The people at this club, they’re not hung up about that kind of thing. That’s what’s great about it, everyone’s just here to relax.

Doug: Really?

Bob: Yeah, yeah. Believe me, in a few minutes, you’ll forget all about it. C’mon, I’ll introduce you to some of the guys.

Doug: Okay…thanks, Bob.

Bob: Hey guys!

Jack: Hey, Bob! Hey, your penis looks great today.

Bob: Thanks, Jack. Yours too.

Ted: Hey, Bob.

Bob: Hey, Ted. How’s your penis?

Ted: Not bad.

Bob: Good. Hey, I’d like you guys to meet Doug.

Jack: Hey, Doug.

Doug: Hey, guys.

Jack: Hey, pretty small penis there, Doug.

Doug: Huh?

Ted: Yeah. You could pick a lock with that penis.

Jack: Hey, that’s okay. There’s plenty of guys around here with small penises. Bill’s got one. Hey, Bill – come on over here and show him your penis! Bill, this is Doug.

Bill: Hey, Doug.

Doug: Hey, Bill.

Bill: So I guess you have a pretty small penis.

Doug: Yeah, I guess so.

Bill: Well, that’s okay. I hear it really doesn’t matter to women.

Doug: Yeah, I read that.

Jack: Okay you two, enough small penis talk.

Ted: Hey, guys, wanna see my pictures from Barbados?

All: Yeah, sure.

Ted: Okay. That’s me with some friends on a catamaran.

Jack: Penis looks great.

Ted: Thanks. Here’s me, playing tennis with my father.

Bob: Hey, you’ve really got your dad’s penis.

Ted: Yeah. By the way, Jack, what have you done with your penis? It looks super!

Jack: Oh, I go to this place on Long Island. They do great work.

Ted: Wow. You got the address?

Jack: Sure.

Ted: Great. I’ll write it on my penis so I won’t forget.

Bill: So, Doug, where are you from?

Doug: Montpelier, Vermont.

Jack: Oooh…cold up there. Must be tough on the penis.

Bob: Bill, you’re from Denver, right?

Bill: Yeah…

Ted: Good penis town.

Woman #1: Hey, everybody!

Jack: Hey girls!

Woman #2: Hey, who’s the new guy with the penis?

Bob: Oh, that’s Doug.

Woman #1: Hey Doug.

Doug: Hi.

Woman #2: Hey, pretty small penis.

Doug: Yeah.

Woman #1: That’s okay.

Doug: Hey, thanks.

Woman #2: Hey, Dave just made a great sand penis sculpture. You should come and see it before the tide comes in.

Woman #1: Yeah, it’s got testicles and everything!

Ted: Great. We’ll check it out.

Bill: See, Doug, you had nothing to worry about.

Doug: Yeah, I guess not.

Jack: Hey, who wants to sing the club anthem?

All: Yeah!

Bob: Okay, I’ll start:

“I once had a penis sing to me
His Penis Penis song
And when that Penis Penis sang
Here was the Penis’s song
He’d sing me…”

All:
“Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis, penis song.
Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis all day long.
Penis, penis, penis, penis…”

[ Jack steps forward ]

Jack: Hi, I’m Kevin Nealon. What you just saw was an attempt to make an important point – that wherever you go, no matter how you look on the outside, we’re all pretty much the same. You know, when the Standards Department was dissolved here at NBC, we welcomed it as an opportunity to deal with issues like these in a frank way. And to be honest, we’re a little disheartened by the snickering we heard during this presentation. It kind of makes us wonder if there’s room for serious discussion of these subjects on television. So to those of you who missed the point – grow up. Really.

All:
“Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis all day long..”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

Hollywood Salute

Andrea Shell…..Jan Hooks
Jackie Jarvis…..Jon Lovitz
General Custer…..Phil Hartman
Little Hawk…..Matthew Broderick
Sergeant…..Dennis Miller

[ Opening: the title logo appears over some 1940s “behind the scenes” footage ]

Andrea Shell: Hello, I’m Andrea Shell. Welcome to “Hollywood Salute”. In the early 1950s, enormous power was shifted from the studio moguls, to the movie stars who had acquired a solid public following. One of them was Jackie Jarvis, the unequivocal master of the gangster film.

[ A slideshow is shown of posters of his films ]

Andrea Shell V/O: “Public Menace” … “The Face in the Post Office” … “Ask My Machine Gun” … and “Bullets Be Not Few”.

[ Back to the main set ]

Andrea Shell: The success of these films, and others, allowed Jackie Jarvis to break away from this gangster image, and explore new film genres. He did his first in a box office hit in 1952, “Crazy Horse: Tough Guy of the Plains”. Enjoy.

[ The clip is shown. Although this is the Civil War, the whole thing plays out like a 30s/40s gangster movie, with suspenseful music and everything. ]

[ General Custer’s headquarters, day. A knock at the door. ]

General Custer: Come in!

[ Sergeant enters ]

Sergeant: General Custer?

General Custer: Yeah, what’s cookin’?

Sergeant: Guess who just breezed into the fort?

General Custer: Can’t imagine!

Sergeant: Crazy Horse.

General Custer: You’re kidding.

Sergeant: He’s right outside.

General Custer: Well well well. All right, Sergeant, send him in and uh, stick around.

Sergeant: Check. [ opens the door ] Come in!

[ Crazy Horse enters, over a dramatic sting ]

General Custer: Hello, Chief!

Crazy Horse: Hello, General!

General Custer: Call me George.

Crazy Horse: Call me Crazy.

General Custer: Have a seat.

Crazy Horse: Don’t mind if I do.

[ they both sit down ]

General Custer: To what do I owe the honor?

Crazy Horse: No point beatin’ around the bush! You got my kid locked up!

General Custer: Ah yes, Little Hawk. We picked him up on a drunk and disorderly outside of Jim Bridge’s Trading Post! Seems he can’t hold his firewater, Crazy!

Crazy Horse: Standard rap for a D&D is three days! [ they both stand up ] You’ve had him in this joint for a WEEK! AND I WANT HIM BACK!!

General Custer: EASY, CRAZY, EASY! You’ll get your boy back, but first I want you to answer a few questions! Capisce?

Crazy Horse: Capisce! [ sits down ] What kinda questions?

General Custer: [ walks over to a map, points to a spot ] My scouts tell me that several tribes of hostiles have congregated on the lower east side of the Little Bighorn!

Crazy Horse: Yeah, so? Some of the fellas got together for a little huntin’ and fishin’! So what?

General Custer: That don’t add up, Crazy! Since when are the Oglala pals-y with the Cheyenne and the Arapaho?

Crazy Horse: Just a little huntin’ and fishin’! That’s all!

General Custer: I ain’t buyin’ it.

Crazy Horse: [ stands up ] YOU CALLIN’ ME A LIAR??

General Custer: JUST ANSWER MY QUESTION!!

Crazy Horse: YOU’LL GET YOUR ANSWERS, YELLOW HAIR, WHEN YOU GIVE ME MY KID!

General Custer: [ to Sergeant ] All right, go get him.

[ Sergeant exits, Crazy Horse sits down laughing ]

Crazy Horse: [ rests his feet up on the table ] You know, George, you wide-eyes really slay me. You call me a liar … yet your tongue’s so forked, I could tie it in a bow behind your back! [ guffaws ]

General Custer: [ sits down ] Spare me the wisecracks, Crazy … [ Crazy continues laughing ] … HEY! What’s shapin’ up on the lower east side? Crazy Horse: All right, I’ll level with ya. Some of the boys are pretty bent out of shape about that Fort Laramie treaty. One minute you promise sovereignty over the promise — the sacred lands. And the next minute we got A THOUSAND MINERS BREATHIN’ DOWN OUR NECKS! General Custer: Nobody knew gold would be discovered in the Black Hills.

Crazy Horse: WHAT THE HELL DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? [ hits the desk ] A TREATY’S A TREATY!

[ Harmonica music swells up ]

General Custer: [ stands up ] … I’m sorry. I guess that makes us pretty much look like a bunch of hypocrites, doesn’t it?

Crazy Horse: [ stands up, walks over to him ] You know, I, I can’t figure you white devils. These plains used to be a nice place to live. And you clowns come along and it’s all massacres, railroads and subdivisions! Georgie! What gives?

[ Dramatic sting. Sergeant enters with Little Hawk ]

Crazy Horse: You all right??

Little Hawk: Sure, Pop. Ain’t built a stockade that can hold me, or a white woman who can resist me!

[ Crazy Horse laughs, pats him on the shoulder ]

General Custer: YOU ARROGANT, HEATHEN PUNK! WHY I OUGHTA …

Little Hawk: You oughta, but you won’t.

General Custer: Won’t I?

Little Hawk: Not if you’re smart, you won’t.

General Custer: Just watch me!

Little Hawk: Try it, blue coat! [ whips out a pocket knife ] I’ll have your wig on a lodge pole before you can say ouch.

General Custer: [ aims a pistol at Little Hawk ] You better call him off, Crazy ..

Crazy Horse: Oh, now look!

General Custer: YOU LOOK! I’ll put a new pair of nostrils on his forehead, I swear it!

Crazy Horse: OH YEAH? THEN YOU’LL HAVE TO TAKE A PIECE OF ME, BLONDIE!

General Custer: HAVE IT YOUR WAY!

Little Hawk: Let me at him, Pop!

General Custer: Why, for two cents I’d —

Crazy Horse: Yeah? What would you do for a nickel?

General Custer: [ marks a line on the ground with his foot ] Just cross that line!

Crazy Horse: It don’t look like one of yours! It don’t got a FENCE on it! Ha!

Little Hawk: Good one!

Crazy Horse: Thanks!

General Custer: All right, you two, get outta here while the gettin’s good! [ two sergeants enter ] Escort these two gentlemen to the gate!

Little Hawk: Take it easy, boys … we was just leavin’.

Crazy Horse: Yeah. Come on. [ leaves, then turns around ] Oh, Georgie? Feel free to drop by the Little Bighorn any time for some … huntin’ and fishin’!

Little Hawk: Yeah! Just a little huntin’ and fishin’! [ he and Crazy Horse laugh ]

Crazy Horse: Come on. [ they exit with the sergeants ] HI-ya-ya-ya, HI-ya-ya-ya …

[ Back to Andrea on the main set ]

Andrea Shell: Crazy Horse was followed by even greater Jackie Jarvis successes: “Mugs from Mars”, “Samson vs. the Feds”, and “Bombo Behind Bars”. This is Andrea Shell from “Hollywood Salute”, wishing you good night.

[ Applause, fade out ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

The Thumper Family

Dwayne Thumper…..Matthew Broderick
Mrs. Thumper…..Jan Hooks
Principal…..Jon Lovitz
Landscaper…..Kevin Nealon
Carla Thumper…..Victoria Jackson
Mr. Thumper….. Phil Hartman

[ Photograph of a white house with title card: “The Thumper Family” ]

Don Pardo V/O: Well, it’s time to look in on the Thumpers, that Bible-beating family down the street dedicated to spreading the good word of eternal hellfire and damnation. Let’s look in and see what they’re up to today.

[ The principal and a policeman escort Dwayne Thumper through the doorway ]

Dwayne Thumper: [ holding up the Bible ] YOU WHORE MONGERING SERVANT OF SATAN! YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOR OPPOSING THE WILL OF GOD!

Mrs. Thumper: [ enters, holding a Bible of her own ] What’s all the ruckus?

Principal: Mrs. Thumper, you’re going to have to do something about your son Dwayne! He was on the campus preaching again today! Now as principal of the school, I will not put up —

Mrs. Thumper: [ takes Dwayne by her side and raises her voice ] OH, YOU EVIL SATANIC PRINCIPAL LEADER OF THE WICKED EVIL SCHOOL! YOUR EVIL PRESENCE DESECRATES OUR HOME! LEAVE THIS PLACE AS GOD HAS COMMANDED YOU, OR ROT IN HELL FOREVER MORE!

Principal: [ to cop ] We’re gonna have to get an injunction. [ the cop nods ]

Dwayne Thumper: YOU INJUNCT WITH HELL, YOU EVIL FORNICATORS!

Principal: Okay, okay! [ to cop ] Come on, Larry, I’ll buy you a donut.

[ they both exit the front door ]

Mrs. Thumper: So how was your day at school today, son?

Dwayne Thumper: Fine.

Mrs. Thumper: Did you make the football team like you wanted?

Dwayne Thumper: No. [ sits down ] The evil coach made a pact with Satan to keep me off the team! And I damned him and the entire team to eternal Hell!

Mrs. Thumper: Well, good for you, son.

Landscaper: [ enters holding a tree branch ] Mrs. Thumper? Mrs. Thumper, I cleaned out your gutters and I cleaned your, uh, repaired your drain pipe.

Mrs. Thumper: Oh! That evil, sinful gutter has been a CURSE upon this house!

Landscaper: [ displays the branch ] No, this was the problem, this was stuck right in it.

Mrs. Thumper: Oh, that evil branch was put here by the Antichrist — hold my hand, son — [ grabs Dwayne’s hand, and they bow their heads ] May that branch of Satan BURN IN HELL!

Landscaper: I’ll just put this out in the dumpster. [ exits ]

Carla Thumper: [ enters holding a Pat Boone album and her own Bible ] Dwayne! You used my record player again! And I condemn you to Hell for your evil trickery!

Dwayne Thumper: [ stands up, raises his Bible and his voice ] GOD HAS COMMANDED ME TO USE YOUR RECORD PLAYER, AND I REBUKE YOUR DAMNATION!

Carla Thumper: YOU CANNOT REBUKE MY DAMNATION BECAUSE YOUR REBUKE IS UNHOLY UNTO THE EYES OF THE LORRRRD-UH!

Dwayne Thumper: IT IS NOT!

Carla Thumper: IS TOO!

Mrs. Thumper: [ in full preacher mode ] DAMN YOU EVIL CHILDREN OF SATAN! MAY THAT EVIL RECORD PLAYER BE CONSUMED BY ALL THE FIRES OF HELL!

[ Mr. Thumper comes home from work, also with his own Bible, and hangs his helmet on the coat rack ]

Dwayne Thumper: Dad! Condemn Carla to Hell!

Carla Thumper: Condemn Dwayne to Hell!

Mr. Thumper: [ shoves the Bible in their faces ] I WILL CONDEMN YOU BOTH TO HELL IF YOU DO NOT CEASE THIS EVIL BICKERING, WHICH AFFECTS ME EVERY NIGHT AS I WALK THROUGH THAT DAMN DOOR!!

[ He sits down; Mrs. Thumper sits by his side. ]

Mrs. Thumper: What’s wrong, dear? Evil day at the office?

Mr. Thumper: MY EVIL BOSS IS A LIAR AND A FORNICATOR! ALSO HE PUT ME BACK ON THE JACKHAMMER AGAIN!

Mrs. Thumper: Oh, DAMN him! DAMN HIM TO HELL!

Mr. Thumper: IT IS HIS EVIL PLAN THAT THE JACKHAMMER WILL DROWN OUT THE WORD OF GOD AS IT COMES THROUGH ME! [ Mrs. Thumper sobs ] WOE UNTO HIM AND TO ALL WHO DWELL IN THE MOBILE HOME OFFICE OF THE EVIL CONSTRUCTION SITE!!

Dwayne Thumper: [ stands up ] DADDY, I WILL PRAY THAT THE MIGHTY ARM OF THE LORD WILL SMITE HIM AND DELIVER HIM TO THE BOTTOMLESS PIT OF OBLIVION!

Carla Thumper: [ stands up ] I will too, Daddy!

Mr. Thumper: Thanks, kitten. [ The phone rings ]

Dwayne Thumper: I’ll get it. [ answers the phone ] Hello? No. Yes. … YOU EVIL FORNICATING SON OF SATAN! I CONDEMN YOU TO BE CAST DOWN FOREVER AND — hello? [ hangs up ]

Mrs. Thumper: Who was it?

Dwayne Thumper: Wrong number.

Mr. Thumper: Look, it has been a trying day for us all who spread the word of the Lord. Maybe we should go as a family to the movies.

Mrs. Thumper: Oh! Honey, that’d be fun!

Dwayne Thumper: “Die Hard” is playing at the Orpheum.

Mrs. Thumper: Oh, well what about “Gorillas in the Mist”?

Carla Thumper: Can we go to “The Last Temptation of Christ” again, please?

Mr. Thumper: YES!

Mrs. Thumper: Hallelujah!

[ they all get up and get ready to leave ]

Mr. Thumper: That is my favorite movie!

[ They go behind the couch to retrieve their bullhorns and picket signs which read “THERE WAS NO LAST TEMPTATION FOR CHRIST” and “LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION”, then exit the front door ]

Mrs. Thumper: I agree. PAGAN IDOLATERS OF ALL —

Mr. Thumper: [ through bullhorn ] EVIL SCORSESE, SON OF SATAN, HOLLYWOOD SERPENT!

[ back to opening title card ]

Don Pardo V/O: Join us next week for another episode of The Thumper Family.

[ fade to SNL band ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

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