Announcer: Candelabra Music is proud to present Miss Tammy Wynette in the album of her career – Tammy Wynette Sings The Classics!
Tammy Wynette: [ singing variant of “Moonlight Sonata” ] “Stand by your man Stand by your man Oh-ho-oh Stand.. by.. your.. man!”
Announcer: Yes, the rich voice of country music’s greatest singer, bringing the treasure of music into your home or trailer!
Tammy Wynette: [ singing variant of “Tchaikovsky’s Concerto #1 In B Flat Minor (Stand By Your Man)” ] “Stand by your man by.. your man Stand by your man by.. your man Stand by your man by.. your man Stand by your man Stand by your man Oh, stand by your man, girl.”
Tammy Wynette: [ singing variant of “Mozart’s Piano Sonata In C (Stand By Your Man) ] “Stand by your ma-a-an Stand by your ma-a-an Sta-a-and.. by-iy-iy.. you-ou-our.. ma-a-an”
Tammy Wynette: [ singing variant of “Beetoven’s Fifth Symphony First Movement (Stand By Your Man)” ] “Stand by your man! Stand by your man! Stand by your man, stand by your man, stand by your man! Stand by your man, stand by your man, stand by your man! Stand by your man! Stand by your man!”
Announcer: Just imagine, fifty of the world’s most beloved musical selections, pushed through the mose of the queen of country music!
Tammy Wynette: [ singing ] “Stand by-y-y.. stand by your man! Stand by your man, stand by your man..”
Announcer: Order now, and you’ll also receive – free – this second album: Boots Randolph’s Yakkity Bartok!
Tammy Wynette: Stand by.. here’s how to order.
Announcer: Send $19.95, check or money order, to Classical Tammy, Route 4, Chagrin Falls, Ohio. Or call 1-800-YOUR-MAN. Operators are standing by.
Tammy Wynette: [ singing ] “Stand by, stand by, stand by, stand by your.. man! Whoo!”
Evelyn Quince…..Jon Lovitz Woodsman…..Mel Gibson Lady Cicily…..Nora Dunn
[ open on Evelyn Quince, dressed rather foppish and acting as excited as a small child ]
Evelyn Quince: Hellio.. and welcome to “Tales of Rrrribaldry”! I’m your host, Evelyn Quince. Tonight, I would like to share with you a naughty tale of a lusty woodsman and a wanton lady, and possibly a cuckolded husband! Oh, it’s high rrrribaldry at its best! And it’s about to start – let’s watch!
[ cut to the scene with Lady Cicily sitting in her room ]
Woodsman: [ enters ] Excuse me, Lady Cicily. I’ve finished chopping the wood, and if there won’t be anything else, I’d like to go back to my cabin and take a cold bath. You see, a vigorous wood chopping always makles me feel hot and sweaty and bit.. randy.
Lady Cicily: Please, Woodsman, come in. You see, my husband is in town and will be gone for several hours. I’m quite alone. There’s a few things you could.. do.. for me.
[ cut quickly to Evelyn Quince enjoying the scene ]
Evelyn Quince: Oh, my! Our little story is unfolding quite nicely! A handsome woodsman and a beautiful lady, with the husband conveniently in town. Perhaps at the haberdashery, being fitted for cuckold horns? [ make horns around his head ] Yes!
[ cut back to the scene with Lady Cicily and the Woodsman ]
Lady Cicily: Woodsman, could you open the window? It’s suddenly very hot in here, and I need a breeze.
Woodsman: Certainly, my lady. [ opens window, breeze tears his shirt open ] There you are, my lady.
Lady Cicily: Woodsman, you’ve ripped your shirt!
[ cut quickly to Evelyn Quince enjoying the scene ]
Evelyn Quince: Ohhh! My face is crimson! [ giggles ] It appears we are having a baudy fest tonight!
[ cut back to the scene with Lady Cicily and the Woodsman ]
Lady Cicily: Hmm.. narrow in the waist, broad in the shoulder.. much larger than my husband’s, you’ll never fit in any of his shirts.
Woodsman: Not to worry, my lady. I’ll just put on my coat. [ wraps it around him ]
Lady Cicily: Oh, Woodsman, would you mind helping me move that chest over there.
Woodsman: Certainly not, my lady.
Lady Cicily: It’s very heavy. I’ll help you out, but first I’ll change into something more.. appropriate.
[ Woodsman glances at the camera with a smirk on his face ]
[ cut quickly to Evelyn Quince enjoying the scene ]
Evelyn Quince: Ooooohhhh..! Is he thinking what I’m thinking! Well, it might be naughty! Let’s find out!
[ cut back to the scene with Lady Cicily and the Woodsman ]
Lady Cicily: Woodsman, you can push the chest, and I’ll pull. [ as she pulls, her dress gets caught on the chest and is ripped off ]
[ cut quickly to Evelyn Quince enjoying the scene ]
Evelyn Quince: Ooohh..! Oh, tonight’s tale is particularly naughty! Lusty, baudy, deliciously risque! I am ravished to say, bordering on an indecent, saucy, randy, suggestively off-color tale of rrrrribaldry! Isn’t it?
[ cut back to Woodsman covering Lady Cicily’s chest with a fur ]
Woodsman: I didn’t see a thing, my lady.
Lady Cicily: Thank you, Woodsman. Now, would you help me.. light the chandelier?
Woodsman: My lady, may I be so bold as to speak freely?
Lady Cicily: Why, yes.
Woodsman: I mean, I could help you fix things here all night. And, maybe, during the course of the evening, my pants might fall down. Or a mysterious draft might come through that window and blow your skirt up over your head, giving us brief, but titilating glimpses of one another. But what are we waiting for, eh? I’m a lusty woodsman, and you’re a wanton lady. Hey, let’s just do it, eh? Let’s just have hot, passionate sex.
Lady Cicily: Oh, I’d like nothing more!
[ they start to make out with one another ]
[ cut quickly to Evelyn Quince no longer enjoying the scene ]
Evelyn Quince: Oh, I don’t like this! This is becoming less randy and more sexually explicit at every moment! Our once baudy tale is turning into a tawdry tale of pornography! I don’t like it!
[ cut to Woodsman and Lady Cicily still removing all their clothes ]
[ cut back to Evelyn Quince annoyed at the scene ]
Evelyn Quince: No, no, no, no, we’ll have none of this! Yuo’ve gone too far! You’ve ruined it for me! [ faux cries ] Well, this tale is over, but you must admit it was a ribald tale, wasn’t it? Join me next week when a rakish yachtsman meets a lacivious lady, whose husband is conveniently plummenting in erotic Istanbul. I trust they’ll behave themselves. Until then, I’m Evelyn Quince. Goodbye everybody, goodbye!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 14: Episode 17 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
April 15th, 1989 Dolly Parton Dolly Parton None Bob Van Ry Conan O’Brien Christine Zander Andy Murphy Exxon CleanupTranscript
Montage
Dolly Parton’s MonologueBio: Dolly Parton (1946-). Country singer-songwriter/actress; has 26 #1 singles and 42 top-ten country albums; films include: “9 to 5” (1980), “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas” (1982); television variety series: “Dolly!” (1976-77), “Dolly” (1987-88); has owned the Pigeon Forge, Tennessee theme park, Dollywood, since 1961. Transcript
Lothar of the Hill PeopleRecurring Characters: Lothar, Tyler, Org.
Dolly Parton performs “Why’d You Come In Here Lookin’ Like That?”
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Jeanne Dixon.
Planet of the Enormous HootersNote: This sketch was originally proposed for the 1976 episode hosted by Raquel Welch, but the buxom starlet vetoed the idea. Transcript
SprocketsSummary: Dieter (Mike Myers) annoys actor Butch Patrick (Ben Stiller) during an interview. Recurring Characters: Dieter. Transcript
Ten Beatles Classics You Kind Of Know The Words To
Singers…..Jan Hooks, Phil Hartman, Mike Myers, Kevin Nealon, Nora Dunn, Jon Lovitz
Announcer: J-Disc presents Ten Beatles Classics You Kind of Know the Words to.. sung by the Kind of Know the Words to Singers. How about this intemittently memorable hit:
[ SUPER: “Penny Lane” ]
Singers: “Penny Lane, there is a da da da da da da da.. La da da da da.. da da da da da da da.. [ joyously ] — in the pouring rain! Very strange!”
Announcer: And who could completely remember this classic:
[ SUPER: “A Day In The Life” ]
Singers: “Woke up, got out of bed Dragged a comb, across my head. La da da da da da.. La da da da da da I ran into a dream! Ahhhhh ahhhh ahhhhh ahhhhh ahhhhh ahhhh..”
Announcer: And all your Beatles favorites!
[ SUPER: “Get Back” ]
Singers: “Jojo was a man who thought he was a woman.. Da da da da da da. Da da da da da — [ joyously ] In Tucson, Arizona! Da da da da da da da… Get back! Get back! Get back to where you once belonged. Get back, Jojo!”
Announcer: J-Disc! Ten Beatles Classics You Kind of Know the Words to! Here’s how to order! Send to “J-Disc.. la la la la la la.. Grand Island.. la la la la la.. add 10 dollars.
[ open on Teal Bay, Alaska, Exxon employees sitting amongst the rocks cleaning up debris from the oil tanker spill ]
Employee #1: Hey, that rock is not done yet.
Employee #2: Sure it is!
Employee #1: No, it’s not! It’s got oil on the bottom!
Employee #2: Nobody’s gonna look at the bottom of a rock!
Employee #1: [ disgusted ] I’m telling you..
Foreman: [ steps in ] Problem?
Employee #2: We don’t have to clean the bottoms, do we?
Foreman: Yes. The whole rock!
Employee #1: [ makes victory squeal ]
Employee #2: Look, Mr. Williamson, some of us were wondering, uh.. where do we put the otters?
Foreman: You know the procedure!
Employee #2: Yeah. But I kind of forget..
Foreman: [ talks into loudspeaker ] Alright, everybody, I’m going to go through this ONE more time! There are FOUR otter piles: oily, dead otters; clean, dead otters; oily, live otters; and clean, live otters!
Andy: [ running forward ] Mr. Willliamson! Mr. Williamson! I just cleaned another rock!
Foreman: That’s real good, Andy. Andy, you don’t have to tell me every time you clean a rock. Just put it on the clean rock pile.
Andy: Okay. [ moves along ]
Foreman: Terri!
Terri: [ enters scene ] Yes, Mr. Williamson?
Foreman: I think we’re gonna need a lot more towels.
Terri: Okay, just a couple rolls, right?
Foreman: No! Hundreds of rolls!
Terri: Oh. Just any old brand, right?
Foreman: No, I’m afraid we’ll need a brand name – Cornet, Viva, Brawny..
Terri: Plain or decorated?
Foreman: It doesn’t matter! [ pause ] Decorated, if you can get it..
Terri: Okay. [ moves along ]
Employee #3: Mr. Williamson? I’ve gotta knock off early. Uh.. would it be okay if I took these rocks home, and finished cleaning then there?
Foreman: I, uh..
Employee #3: I’ll bring ’em back tomorrow. Promise.
Foreman: Alright, alright. Just sign them out with Terry. [ picks up a shiny rock ] Oh, hey, hey! Here’s a clean rock! Who cleaned this rock?
Female Employee: Me, Sir!
Foreman: Well, this is great! How did you do this?
Female Employee: Well, I used a white vinegar pre-soap, I scrubbed with a high-grade steel wool, and I used a little Turtle Wax.
Foreman: Well, good job! I’m thinking about putting you on that big boulder over there!
Female Employee: You won’t regret it, Sir!
Foreman: Well, good. [ she runs off, as he looks down ] Alright! Who tracked oil through our clean patch?! Aw, come on, we worked so hard on that! Come on, who did it! [ everyone points to Captain Hazelwood ] Captain Hazelwood, you’re on pretty thin ice already!
Captain Hazelwood: Gosh, I’m sorry, Sir. I guess I did it again, huh! [ takes a swig from a flask of alcohol ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Queen…..Nora Dunn Courtier #1…..Jan Hooks Courtier #2…..Victoria Jackson Prisoner…..Dolly Parton
Announcer: On the outer reaches of our galaxy spins the planetEstrogena, where there evolved an advanced race of women: Planet ofthe Enormous Hooters.
Queen: Bring the deformed one to me!
Courtier #1: Queen Zarma, your Exalted Fullness. We have brought the prisoner.
Courtier #2: Look! Her breasts are so small. They look like melons!
[ everyone laughs ]
Prisoner: Oh, please don’t belittle me.
Queen: You are a disgrace to our planet. I hereby banish you to the planet Earth, where your undersize breasts will go unnoticed, and you may live your life in anonymity. Take her to the spaceship – she disgusts me!
Prisoner: No, no! Please reconsider! [ she’s pulled outside ]
Announcer: Tune in next week for Planet of the Enormous Hooters.
Dolly Parton: Whoo, boy! Thank you so much! I think it’s only fair for you folks in the audience to know I had about twelve buses of folks shipped down from Dollywood, just so I could get a good reception, and I thankyou, I thank you, you did good! How do you like my outfit! You recognize it, don’t you? This is the NBC Peacock! That’s because Lorne Michaels told me to wear this, ’cause he wanted me to shake my tail feathers for ya! [ turns around and shakes her booty ] I’m gonna do it, too!
Oh, it really is great to be here in New York – I always have a good time here – but I have to be honest with you, though, I was a little nervous and a little worried about coming here. You know, it’s “Saturday Night Live” and all, and you here all kinds of things, but.. don’t you folks believe that for a minute! These folks have gone out of their way to make me feel like one of the family. You know it’s amazing to me how hard these people work.. [ camera zooms in on Dolly’s cleavage ] I mean, they have put this thing together in just one week! I mean, monday, they start coming up with ideas; and then Tuesday, they start to write ’em; and then Wednesday, why we’re rehearsing; and before you know it, it’s SAturday and it’s time to do the show! [ camera quickly zooms out before Dolly notices ]
But I’ve done a lot of television in Hollywood, and I’ve done a lot of TV in Nashville. But I have to honestly say, things are a lot different here in New York. Really. I mean, everything is just so artistic here. [ cameraman is seen hanging from a rope above the stage ] I mean, like for instance, this guy. I mean, in Hollywood, they would never even try a shot like that! But up here, the spirit is just, “Hang a guy up by the roof, and put a camera in his hands and see what it looks like!” [ hanging cameraman’s angle is shown, a direct bird’s-eye-view of Dolly’s cleavage ] It may not always work.. but, at least, you gotta give them credit for trying! God bless their little hearts, they’ve been good to me!
I tell you what, I think we’ve got a great show tonight! I brought my band, and I’m gonna be doing the singing tonight, so stick around, we’ll be right back! I’m glad to be here with you!
Dieter: Velcome to “Sprockets”. I am your host, Dieter. This veek ve explore the latest phenomenon on German television. It is, of course, “The Munsters” – a brilliant satire of a post-nuclear American society. Monsters of an American dream turn to nightmare. It is pure Americanist culture, and I love it. Ve have with us in the studio tonight, the boy who played Eddie Munster, Butch Patrick. Please welcome Butch Patrick – Eddie Munster. [ Butch Patrick walks out, smoking a cigarette ] Hello, Eddie. “The Munsters” are very popular in Germany, and you have become a celebrity here. Are you surprised?
Butch Patrick: Oh, God.. well, I’ll tell you, Dieter – the show went off the air in ’66, so it has been a bit of a dry spell for me. And, when I heard the kids were starting to watch the show over here in Germany, I figured, well.. you gotta go with the heat. You know? I mean, as actors we’re nomads, so I got over here as quickly as possible.
Dieter: Eddie, it has been said of “The Munsters” that they are both crime and magic.
Butch Patrick: [ perplexed by the statement ] Yeah, well.. I think the real crime is that we were cancelled. I mean, we were getting ratings.. they’d never seen numbers like that, and then to just go and pull the plug out of nowhere – I think someone very high up got a little scared, or something, and uh..
Dieter: Vhat vas it like to vork with Fred Gwynne – Herman Munster?
Butch Patrick: A freak! An 8-foot freak! Actually, it’s a very funny story about Gwynne. You know, he had the flattop, the thing he wore on the show, right.. So one morning I walked into make-up..
Dieter: [ interrupting ] Your story has become tiresome. Eddie,Susan Sontex said of “The Munsters” that they lie at 24 frames per second. [ Eddie looks confused ] It is obvious that your so-called cousin Marilyn, who is an innocent surrounded by monsters, was a reference to another American icon – Marilyn Monroe.
Butch Patrick: Well, really, I don’t know about that stuff.. I mean.. I guess everyone had their thing on the show, you know.. uh.. Grandpa was a vampire; my mother was a vampire; my father was a Frankenstein; and I was.. uh.. I don’t know what the hell I was.
Dieter: I read somewhere that Marilyn left the show “under a cloud”.
Butch Patrick: [ laughing ] Under a cloud! She was under half the sound crew! I joke with her. If I was.. ooh.. ten years older at the time..
Dieter: To me, Eddie was an every vampire.
Butch Patrick: Oh, well, again.. vampire.. I’d like to stay away from that thing.. But, yeah, there was definitely something about Eddie that struck a chord, that went right to the heart of what it meant to be an 8-year-old – whatever the hell I was – growing up in America in the 1960’s.
Dieter: Can I touch your widow’s peak? It is most bizarre.
Butch Patrick: Uh.. okay..
Dieter: [ reaches in and touches Butch’s hair ] Textures interest me. Do you want to touch my monkey? [ indicates his monkey sitting on a pedestal ]
Butch Patrick: [ dumbfounded ] Touch your monkey? I..
Dieter: Touch it!
Butch Patrick: Uh.. really, no..
Dieter: Touch the monkey! I’d like you to touch it!
Butch Patrick: [ giving in ] Okay! Alright! [ stands up and walks over to the monkey ] Hey, monkey.. hey.. [ the monkey bites his finger ] Ouch! He bit me! Ow, I’m bleeding! Could I get a bandage, or something? Please? Agh!
Dieter: I would have liked to have seen you play Eddie completely covered in sores.
Butch Patrick: What?! Sores?
Dieter: Abrasions. Lesions.
Butch Patrick: What the hell is wrong with you? Huh?!
Dieter: Now is the time on “Sprockets” vhen ve dance. [ gets up and dances with fellow Germans ]
Butch Patrick: Hey, I’m getting out of here, alright? ‘Cause I’ve gotta get a bandage, or something.. you German creeps! [ walks off ]
Dieter: That’s it for this veek of “Sprockets”. My guest has been Eddie Munster, Butch Patrick. My name is Dieter. Auf weidersehen!
Air Date:
