SNL Transcripts: Mel Gibson: 04/01/89: Tales of Ribaldry



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16





88p: Mel Gibson / Living Colour

Tales of Ribaldry

Evelyn Quince…..Jon Lovitz
Woodsman…..Mel Gibson
Lady Cicily…..Nora Dunn

[ open on Evelyn Quince, dressed rather foppish and acting as excited as a small child ]

Evelyn Quince: Hellio.. and welcome to “Tales of Rrrribaldry”! I’m your host, Evelyn Quince. Tonight, I would like to share with you a naughty tale of a lusty woodsman and a wanton lady, and possibly a cuckolded husband! Oh, it’s high rrrribaldry at its best! And it’s about to start – let’s watch!

[ cut to the scene with Lady Cicily sitting in her room ]

Woodsman: [ enters ] Excuse me, Lady Cicily. I’ve finished chopping the wood, and if there won’t be anything else, I’d like to go back to my cabin and take a cold bath. You see, a vigorous wood chopping always makles me feel hot and sweaty and bit.. randy.

Lady Cicily: Please, Woodsman, come in. You see, my husband is in town and will be gone for several hours. I’m quite alone. There’s a few things you could.. do.. for me.

[ cut quickly to Evelyn Quince enjoying the scene ]

Evelyn Quince: Oh, my! Our little story is unfolding quite nicely! A handsome woodsman and a beautiful lady, with the husband conveniently in town. Perhaps at the haberdashery, being fitted for cuckold horns? [ make horns around his head ] Yes!

[ cut back to the scene with Lady Cicily and the Woodsman ]

Lady Cicily: Woodsman, could you open the window? It’s suddenly very hot in here, and I need a breeze.

Woodsman: Certainly, my lady. [ opens window, breeze tears his shirt open ] There you are, my lady.

Lady Cicily: Woodsman, you’ve ripped your shirt!

[ cut quickly to Evelyn Quince enjoying the scene ]

Evelyn Quince: Ohhh! My face is crimson! [ giggles ] It appears we are having a baudy fest tonight!

[ cut back to the scene with Lady Cicily and the Woodsman ]

Lady Cicily: Hmm.. narrow in the waist, broad in the shoulder.. much larger than my husband’s, you’ll never fit in any of his shirts.

Woodsman: Not to worry, my lady. I’ll just put on my coat. [ wraps it around him ]

Lady Cicily: Oh, Woodsman, would you mind helping me move that chest over there.

Woodsman: Certainly not, my lady.

Lady Cicily: It’s very heavy. I’ll help you out, but first I’ll change into something more.. appropriate.

[ Woodsman glances at the camera with a smirk on his face ] [ cut quickly to Evelyn Quince enjoying the scene ]

Evelyn Quince: Ooooohhhh..! Is he thinking what I’m thinking! Well, it might be naughty! Let’s find out!

[ cut back to the scene with Lady Cicily and the Woodsman ]

Lady Cicily: Woodsman, you can push the chest, and I’ll pull. [ as she pulls, her dress gets caught on the chest and is ripped off ] [ cut quickly to Evelyn Quince enjoying the scene ]

Evelyn Quince: Ooohh..! Oh, tonight’s tale is particularly naughty! Lusty, baudy, deliciously risque! I am ravished to say, bordering on an indecent, saucy, randy, suggestively off-color tale of rrrrribaldry! Isn’t it?

[ cut back to Woodsman covering Lady Cicily’s chest with a fur ]

Woodsman: I didn’t see a thing, my lady.

Lady Cicily: Thank you, Woodsman. Now, would you help me.. light the chandelier?

Woodsman: My lady, may I be so bold as to speak freely?

Lady Cicily: Why, yes.

Woodsman: I mean, I could help you fix things here all night. And, maybe, during the course of the evening, my pants might fall down. Or a mysterious draft might come through that window and blow your skirt up over your head, giving us brief, but titilating glimpses of one another. But what are we waiting for, eh? I’m a lusty woodsman, and you’re a wanton lady. Hey, let’s just do it, eh? Let’s just have hot, passionate sex.

Lady Cicily: Oh, I’d like nothing more!

[ they start to make out with one another ] [ cut quickly to Evelyn Quince no longer enjoying the scene ]

Evelyn Quince: Oh, I don’t like this! This is becoming less randy and more sexually explicit at every moment! Our once baudy tale is turning into a tawdry tale of pornography! I don’t like it!

[ cut to Woodsman and Lady Cicily still removing all their clothes ] [ cut back to Evelyn Quince annoyed at the scene ]

Evelyn Quince: No, no, no, no, we’ll have none of this! Yuo’ve gone too far! You’ve ruined it for me! [ faux cries ] Well, this tale is over, but you must admit it was a ribald tale, wasn’t it? Join me next week when a rakish yachtsman meets a lacivious lady, whose husband is conveniently plummenting in erotic Istanbul. I trust they’ll behave themselves. Until then, I’m Evelyn Quince. Goodbye everybody, goodbye!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Dolly Parton: 04/15/89



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 17


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 15th, 1989

Dolly Parton

Dolly Parton

None

Bob Van Ry
Conan O’Brien

Christine Zander

Andy Murphy
Exxon CleanupTranscript

Montage

Dolly Parton’s MonologueBio: Dolly Parton (1946-). Country singer-songwriter/actress; has 26 #1 singles and 42 top-ten country albums; films include: “9 to 5” (1980), “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas” (1982); television variety series: “Dolly!” (1976-77), “Dolly” (1987-88); has owned the Pigeon Forge, Tennessee theme park, Dollywood, since 1961.

Transcript

Lothar of the Hill PeopleRecurring Characters: Lothar, Tyler, Org.

Dolly Parton performs “Why’d You Come In Here Lookin’ Like That?”

Dolly’s Mountain StoriesTranscript

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Jeanne Dixon.

Planet of the Enormous HootersNote: This sketch was originally proposed for the 1976 episode hosted by Raquel Welch, but the buxom starlet vetoed the idea.

Transcript

SprocketsSummary: Dieter (Mike Myers) annoys actor Butch Patrick (Ben Stiller) during an interview.

Recurring Characters: Dieter.

Transcript

The Rusty BoneTranscript

Celebrity RestaurantRecurring Characters: Buddy Precisely, Jack Nicholson.

Transcript

Dolly Parton performs “White Limozeen”

Broadway Story, Part 2

Smilers

10 Beatles Classics You Kind Of Know The Words ToTranscript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Dolly Parton: 04/15/89: Ten Beatles Classics You Kind Of Know The Words To



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16





88q: Dolly Parton

Ten Beatles Classics You Kind Of Know The Words To

Singers…..Jan Hooks, Phil Hartman, Mike Myers, Kevin Nealon, Nora Dunn, Jon Lovitz

Announcer: J-Disc presents Ten Beatles Classics You Kind of Know the Words to.. sung by the Kind of Know the Words to Singers. How about this intemittently memorable hit:

[ SUPER: “Penny Lane” ]

Singers:
“Penny Lane, there is a da da da da da da da..
La da da da da.. da da da da da da da..
[ joyously ] — in the pouring rain!
Very strange!”

Announcer: And who could completely remember this classic:

[ SUPER: “A Day In The Life” ]

Singers:
“Woke up, got out of bed
Dragged a comb, across my head.
La da da da da da..
La da da da da da
I ran into a dream!
Ahhhhh ahhhh ahhhhh ahhhhh ahhhhh ahhhh..”

Announcer: And all your Beatles favorites!

[ SUPER: “Get Back” ]

Singers:
“Jojo was a man who thought he was a woman..
Da da da da da da.
Da da da da da — [ joyously ] In Tucson, Arizona!
Da da da da da da da…
Get back! Get back! Get back to where you once belonged.
Get back, Jojo!”

Announcer: J-Disc! Ten Beatles Classics You Kind of Know the Words to! Here’s how to order! Send to “J-Disc.. la la la la la la.. Grand Island.. la la la la la.. add 10 dollars.

Singers:
“La la la la la..
Let it be-e-e-e-e!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Dolly Parton: 04/15/89: The Rusty Bone



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16







88q: Dolly Parton

The Rusty Bone

Bob…..Dana Carvey
Larry…..Jon Lovitz
Angry Wife…..Nora Dunn
Sheba…..Victoria Jackson
Sparky…..Phil Hartman
Sexy Poodle…..Jan Hooks
Kevin…..Kein Nealon

Bob: Hey, Larry, there you are!

Larry: Hey, Bob! You made it! [ tail raises and wags ]

Bob: Oh, yeah! Good to see ya, boy! Good to see ya! [ pats Larry ] I almost didn’t make it.

Larry: Why.. what happened?

Bob: Well, I was chasing after a taxi, and then I almost got run over.

Larry: Ohhh.. [ tail droops, then jumps up again ] But you did make it!

Bob: [ tail wagging rapidly ] I made it, I made it, yeah!

[ cut to a pair of catwomen: Angry Wife seated at table as Sheba enters ]

Angry Wife: Sheba? I have something to say to you?

Sheba: Do I know you? What do you want?

Angry Wife: You know my husband – you’ve been sleeping with him!

[ their tails raise pointedly in anger, as they scowl at one another ] [ Sparky enters bar, tail drooping ]

Larry: Hey, Sparky!

Bob: Sparky! What’s the matter?

Sparky: Oh, my boss chewed me out again.. he said my report was bad.. he kept saying it was bad..! ..bad! [ tail droops betwene his legs ]

Bob: Really? We thought it was good! You’re good..! ..good!

Sparky: [ happy, tail raises ] Oh, you really think so? Oh, thanks! I feel a lot better!

[ sexy Poodle enters the bar, as the three Dogmen point, raise their legs, and their tails spring straight into the air ] [ Kevin, seated at table, stands up, his tail pointed straight over a candle. A spark from the candle sends his tail into flames as he howls. ] [ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Dolly Parton: 04/15/89: Exxon Cleanup



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16







88q: Dolly Parton

Exxon Cleanup

Employee #1…..Jon Lovitz
Employee #2…..Ben Stiller
Foreman…..Phil Hartman
Andy…..Dana Carvey
Terri…..Victoria Jackson
Employee #3…..Al Franken
Female Employee…..Nora Dunn
Captain Hazelwood…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on Teal Bay, Alaska, Exxon employees sitting amongst the rocks cleaning up debris from the oil tanker spill ]

Employee #1: Hey, that rock is not done yet.

Employee #2: Sure it is!

Employee #1: No, it’s not! It’s got oil on the bottom!

Employee #2: Nobody’s gonna look at the bottom of a rock!

Employee #1: [ disgusted ] I’m telling you..

Foreman: [ steps in ] Problem?

Employee #2: We don’t have to clean the bottoms, do we?

Foreman: Yes. The whole rock!

Employee #1: [ makes victory squeal ]

Employee #2: Look, Mr. Williamson, some of us were wondering, uh.. where do we put the otters?

Foreman: You know the procedure!

Employee #2: Yeah. But I kind of forget..

Foreman: [ talks into loudspeaker ] Alright, everybody, I’m going to go through this ONE more time! There are FOUR otter piles: oily, dead otters; clean, dead otters; oily, live otters; and clean, live otters!

Andy: [ running forward ] Mr. Willliamson! Mr. Williamson! I just cleaned another rock!

Foreman: That’s real good, Andy. Andy, you don’t have to tell me every time you clean a rock. Just put it on the clean rock pile.

Andy: Okay. [ moves along ]

Foreman: Terri!

Terri: [ enters scene ] Yes, Mr. Williamson?

Foreman: I think we’re gonna need a lot more towels.

Terri: Okay, just a couple rolls, right?

Foreman: No! Hundreds of rolls!

Terri: Oh. Just any old brand, right?

Foreman: No, I’m afraid we’ll need a brand name – Cornet, Viva, Brawny..

Terri: Plain or decorated?

Foreman: It doesn’t matter! [ pause ] Decorated, if you can get it..

Terri: Okay. [ moves along ]

Employee #3: Mr. Williamson? I’ve gotta knock off early. Uh.. would it be okay if I took these rocks home, and finished cleaning then there?

Foreman: I, uh..

Employee #3: I’ll bring ’em back tomorrow. Promise.

Foreman: Alright, alright. Just sign them out with Terry. [ picks up a shiny rock ] Oh, hey, hey! Here’s a clean rock! Who cleaned this rock?

Female Employee: Me, Sir!

Foreman: Well, this is great! How did you do this?

Female Employee: Well, I used a white vinegar pre-soap, I scrubbed with a high-grade steel wool, and I used a little Turtle Wax.

Foreman: Well, good job! I’m thinking about putting you on that big boulder over there!

Female Employee: You won’t regret it, Sir!

Foreman: Well, good. [ she runs off, as he looks down ] Alright! Who tracked oil through our clean patch?! Aw, come on, we worked so hard on that! Come on, who did it! [ everyone points to Captain Hazelwood ] Captain Hazelwood, you’re on pretty thin ice already!

Captain Hazelwood: Gosh, I’m sorry, Sir. I guess I did it again, huh! [ takes a swig from a flask of alcohol ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Dolly Parton: 04/15/89: Planet of the Enormous Hooters



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16





88q: Dolly Parton

Planet of the Enormous Hooters

Queen…..Nora Dunn
Courtier #1…..Jan Hooks
Courtier #2…..Victoria Jackson
Prisoner…..Dolly Parton

Announcer: On the outer reaches of our galaxy spins the planetEstrogena, where there evolved an advanced race of women: Planet ofthe Enormous Hooters.

Queen: Bring the deformed one to me!

Courtier #1: Queen Zarma, your Exalted Fullness. We have brought the prisoner.

Courtier #2: Look! Her breasts are so small. They look like melons!

[ everyone laughs ]

Prisoner: Oh, please don’t belittle me.

Queen: You are a disgrace to our planet. I hereby banish you to the planet Earth, where your undersize breasts will go unnoticed, and you may live your life in anonymity. Take her to the spaceship – she disgusts me!

Prisoner: No, no! Please reconsider! [ she’s pulled outside ]

Announcer: Tune in next week for Planet of the Enormous Hooters.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Dolly Parton: 04/15/89: Dolly Parton’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16



88q: Dolly Parton

Dolly Parton’s Monologue

…..Dolly Parton

Dolly Parton: Whoo, boy! Thank you so much! I think it’s only fair for you folks in the audience to know I had about twelve buses of folks shipped down from Dollywood, just so I could get a good reception, and I thankyou, I thank you, you did good! How do you like my outfit! You recognize it, don’t you? This is the NBC Peacock! That’s because Lorne Michaels told me to wear this, ’cause he wanted me to shake my tail feathers for ya! [ turns around and shakes her booty ] I’m gonna do it, too!

Oh, it really is great to be here in New York – I always have a good time here – but I have to be honest with you, though, I was a little nervous and a little worried about coming here. You know, it’s “Saturday Night Live” and all, and you here all kinds of things, but.. don’t you folks believe that for a minute! These folks have gone out of their way to make me feel like one of the family. You know it’s amazing to me how hard these people work.. [ camera zooms in on Dolly’s cleavage ] I mean, they have put this thing together in just one week! I mean, monday, they start coming up with ideas; and then Tuesday, they start to write ’em; and then Wednesday, why we’re rehearsing; and before you know it, it’s SAturday and it’s time to do the show! [ camera quickly zooms out before Dolly notices ]

But I’ve done a lot of television in Hollywood, and I’ve done a lot of TV in Nashville. But I have to honestly say, things are a lot different here in New York. Really. I mean, everything is just so artistic here. [ cameraman is seen hanging from a rope above the stage ] I mean, like for instance, this guy. I mean, in Hollywood, they would never even try a shot like that! But up here, the spirit is just, “Hang a guy up by the roof, and put a camera in his hands and see what it looks like!” [ hanging cameraman’s angle is shown, a direct bird’s-eye-view of Dolly’s cleavage ] It may not always work.. but, at least, you gotta give them credit for trying! God bless their little hearts, they’ve been good to me!

I tell you what, I think we’ve got a great show tonight! I brought my band, and I’m gonna be doing the singing tonight, so stick around, we’ll be right back! I’m glad to be here with you!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Dolly Parton: 04/15/89: Sprockets



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16







88q: Dolly Parton

Sprockets

Dieter…..Mike Myers
Butch Patrick…..Ben Stiller

Dieter: Velcome to “Sprockets”. I am your host, Dieter. This veek ve explore the latest phenomenon on German television. It is, of course, “The Munsters” – a brilliant satire of a post-nuclear American society. Monsters of an American dream turn to nightmare. It is pure Americanist culture, and I love it. Ve have with us in the studio tonight, the boy who played Eddie Munster, Butch Patrick. Please welcome Butch Patrick – Eddie Munster. [ Butch Patrick walks out, smoking a cigarette ] Hello, Eddie. “The Munsters” are very popular in Germany, and you have become a celebrity here. Are you surprised?

Butch Patrick: Oh, God.. well, I’ll tell you, Dieter – the show went off the air in ’66, so it has been a bit of a dry spell for me. And, when I heard the kids were starting to watch the show over here in Germany, I figured, well.. you gotta go with the heat. You know? I mean, as actors we’re nomads, so I got over here as quickly as possible.

Dieter: Eddie, it has been said of “The Munsters” that they are both crime and magic.

Butch Patrick: [ perplexed by the statement ] Yeah, well.. I think the real crime is that we were cancelled. I mean, we were getting ratings.. they’d never seen numbers like that, and then to just go and pull the plug out of nowhere – I think someone very high up got a little scared, or something, and uh..

Dieter: Vhat vas it like to vork with Fred Gwynne – Herman Munster?

Butch Patrick: A freak! An 8-foot freak! Actually, it’s a very funny story about Gwynne. You know, he had the flattop, the thing he wore on the show, right.. So one morning I walked into make-up..

Dieter: [ interrupting ] Your story has become tiresome. Eddie,Susan Sontex said of “The Munsters” that they lie at 24 frames per second. [ Eddie looks confused ] It is obvious that your so-called cousin Marilyn, who is an innocent surrounded by monsters, was a reference to another American icon – Marilyn Monroe.

Butch Patrick: Well, really, I don’t know about that stuff.. I mean.. I guess everyone had their thing on the show, you know.. uh.. Grandpa was a vampire; my mother was a vampire; my father was a Frankenstein; and I was.. uh.. I don’t know what the hell I was.

Dieter: I read somewhere that Marilyn left the show “under a cloud”.

Butch Patrick: [ laughing ] Under a cloud! She was under half the sound crew! I joke with her. If I was.. ooh.. ten years older at the time..

Dieter: To me, Eddie was an every vampire.

Butch Patrick: Oh, well, again.. vampire.. I’d like to stay away from that thing.. But, yeah, there was definitely something about Eddie that struck a chord, that went right to the heart of what it meant to be an 8-year-old – whatever the hell I was – growing up in America in the 1960’s.

Dieter: Can I touch your widow’s peak? It is most bizarre.

Butch Patrick: Uh.. okay..

Dieter: [ reaches in and touches Butch’s hair ] Textures interest me. Do you want to touch my monkey? [ indicates his monkey sitting on a pedestal ]

Butch Patrick: [ dumbfounded ] Touch your monkey? I..

Dieter: Touch it!

Butch Patrick: Uh.. really, no..

Dieter: Touch the monkey! I’d like you to touch it!

Butch Patrick: [ giving in ] Okay! Alright! [ stands up and walks over to the monkey ] Hey, monkey.. hey.. [ the monkey bites his finger ] Ouch! He bit me! Ow, I’m bleeding! Could I get a bandage, or something? Please? Agh!

Dieter: I would have liked to have seen you play Eddie completely covered in sores.

Butch Patrick: What?! Sores?

Dieter: Abrasions. Lesions.

Butch Patrick: What the hell is wrong with you? Huh?!

Dieter: Now is the time on “Sprockets” vhen ve dance. [ gets up and dances with fellow Germans ]

Butch Patrick: Hey, I’m getting out of here, alright? ‘Cause I’ve gotta get a bandage, or something.. you German creeps! [ walks off ]

Dieter: That’s it for this veek of “Sprockets”. My guest has been Eddie Munster, Butch Patrick. My name is Dieter. Auf weidersehen!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Dolly Parton: 04/15/89: Dolly’s Mountain Stories



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16







88q: Dolly Parton

Dolly’s Mountain Stories

…..Dolly Parton
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”

[ open on the main stage, Dolly Parton and the cast sitting on pillows around the floor ]

Dana Carvey: Tell us a mountain story, Dolly!

[ the cast cheers the suggestion ]

Dolly Parton: Really? Alright, now the first thing you have to know, now, is that I was born and raised in the Smokey Mountains in East Tennessee!

Kevin Nealon: Well, we knew that! [ laughs ]

Dolly Parton: Well, you might, Kevin, but maybe everybody out there don’t know that.

Jan Hooks: Oh, I think thye do, Dolly!

[ the rest of the cast agrees ]

Dolly Parton: Alright, well, that’s beside the point, but i’ll tell you a story. I grew up in a small house with my momma and my daddy and twelve kids. And we were out in the middle of nowhere and we didn’t have anything but each other. Of course, I’m not complaining.. but we didn’t make a whole lot of money, and didn’t have more than anything but our love and our music!

Victoria Jackson: Dolly, you mean you didn’t have any of the modern conveniences that we all take for granted?

Dolly Parton: That is absolutely right, Victoria! I mean, we didn’t have a washing machine or a gas stove, we didn’t even have a TV.

Dennis Miller: Well, what did you guys do for fun?

Dolly Parton: Oh, we made our own fun, Dennis! Why, we’d sing, and we’d play games.. and Momma would dream up stories for us, I mean stories that were a whole lot better than anything you could watch on television today!

Phil Hartman: [ smiling ] She must have been quite a woman!

Dolly Parton: Well, you don’t have to patronize me, Phil. [ Phil appears confused ] Anyway, she’d tell us stories that’d keep us going ’til bedtime!

Jon Lovitz: Like, what kind of stories?

Dolly Parton: Oh, just all kinds of stories.. she’d just make up scary stories, and funny stories, stories about the Old West..

Nora Dunn: Oh, those Western stories must have been great!

Dolly Parton: Oh, they were! My favorite ws about this white-haired man that had three sons, and he lived out on a big ranch in Nevada. [ the cast appears to be familiar with the story ] And the oldest son, see, he was real, real moody, and serious.. and the middle one, well, he was big and lovable.. and the youngest one – whoo! – he was so handsome and brave!

Victoria Jackson: He sounds really cute!

Dolly Parton: Oh, well, he was! Well, his name was Little Joe.. [ the cast now realizes she’s relating the story of the TV show “Bonanza ] and he had more girlfriends than you could shake a stick at! Lord, the times that family had with that tiny servant of theirs.. My Momma, she did, she had a big imagination, that’s for sure! Hey, but she loved to tell us police stories, that was some of my favorites, too!

Dennis Miller: She told you police stories?

Dolly Parton: Yeah.. well, she’d just talk a blue streak about these two detectives that would drive around L.A. in this blue Plymouth Valiant. One fella’s name, I think, was Friday, and he did everything by the book. I mean, he was straighter than a hog’s tail in a pork factory! See, my Momma had so many stories, and the funniest ones were about this silly, silly, crazy woman named Lucy! I man, she got into all kinds of crazy situations! There was this one time when her husband Ricky, he was this Cuban fella.. and he had an audition in Los Angeles, and they lost their script, Lucy did, so she had to sneak into the studio, and William Holden was there, and it was just the biggest mess!

Dana Carvey: So.. so, these were made up?

Dolly Parton: Right. Except for the ones about Friday. Momma said that they were based on some kind of truth, but that they always changed the names to protect the innocent.

Kevin Nealon: So, there were no televisions anywhere?

Dolly Parton: Well, of course not! I mean, why would we need onw? Family’s all you need! [ thinking ] Oh, yeah! I forgot to tell you, there was this Halloween special, that was Momma’s favorite! It was a spooky story about a witch, and she had these magical powers.. and she married this advertising agent, his name was Darren. See, Darren didn’t want anybody to know about his wife, so they lived out in the suburbs, and they had this real, real nosy neighbor..

Jon Lovitz: [ excited ] Oh! Ms. Crabbitz! [ quickly covers his mouth ]

Dolly Parton: Wow! That’s right, Jon! How’d you know that, are you from the hills?

Jon Lovitz: Uh, no.. I.. I..

Jan Hooks: Jon! Yes, of course, he’s from the hills.. aren’t you, Jon?

Jon Lovitz: Yes.. I’m from Arkansas..

Dolly Parton: Well, I never knew that! That is something! Well, you learn something new everyday! Well, listen, I hope that you enjoyed the stories, and thank you for listening.. but I gotta go get ready for the next thing..

[ a stagehand directs Dolly offstage, as the cast ponders what they’ve just sat through ]

Nora Dunn: That poor, poor woman..

Kevin Nealon: Yeah. Thinking that stuff was original!

Dana Carvey: Boy, can you imagine missing out on all those hours and hours of television!

Dennis Miller: Yeah, and then having to hear about it secondhand. I mean, it’s so sad..

Phil Hartman: Is it really? No, I mean, think about it. While we had all that fed to us, she got to use her imagination.

Jan Hooks: Yeah.. we’re all kind of constrained to the limits of what we saw. but not Dolly!

Phil Hartman: Who knows what her Darren looks like? Her Hoss? Her Friday? Her Larry Tate!

Kevin Nealon: Maybe her Col. Klink had a thick head of hair!

Jon Lovitz: Maybe her Lassie was a dachschund?

Victoria Jackson: You know what? Maybe we should all stop watching TV..

Phil Hartman: [ laughs ] That’s ridiculous! It’s just something that happened to Dolly.

[ they get up to leave the stage, laughing to themselves ]

Dennis Miller: Miss out on TV, what are you talking about!

Phil Hartman: [ left alone ] See you, everyone.. and keep watching the show!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Dolly Parton: 04/15/89: Celebrity Restaurant



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16







88q: Dolly Parton

Celebrity Restaurant

Nobody…..Mike Myers
Buddy Precisely…..Dana Carvey
Jack Nicholson…..Phil Hartman
Tracy Ullman…..Jan Hooks
Gary Sermans…..Ben Stiller
…..Dolly Parton
Gary Sermans…..Ben Stiller
Fireman…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on interior, fancy Hollywood restaurant, Buddy Precisely standing at the pedestal reviewing his guest list ]

Nobody: [ approaching with supermodel-level date ] Hi.

Buddy Precisely: Yeees?

Nobody: Carlisle, party of two.

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh?

Nobody: I have a reservation.

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh?

Nobody: For 7:30?

Buddy Precisely: Ohhhhhhmmmmm, no! [ waves his hand towards the bar ] Wait at the barm wait at the bar, wait at the bar..

Nobody: Hey, hey, I have a reservation, I’m not waiting at the bar!

Buddy Precisely: [ signals bouncer and waves his hand towards the door ] Then take them outside, take them outside, take them outside.. [ Bouncer pulls the Nobody and his date outside ] Goodbye. Don’t be alarmed, don’t be alarmed, everybody, pay no attention, he doesn’t matter, he’s not a star! [ walks up to the dining entrance ] Look at the stars! The stars over here in the dining room – look! Right there, right now! Corbin Bernsen‘s eating a biscuit, look at him! [ waiting crowd “Oohs” ] What an amazing..! [ Jack Nicholson enters ] Well, Jack Nicholson, everybody! Jack Nicholson! You huge, mammoth, incredible, monstrous star, what can I do for you!Jack Nicholson: I’ll tell you what you can do for me. You can take your fingers off of my jacket.

Buddy Precisely: [ laughs ] Oh, what a funster! I’ll come by your table later for a cocktail, Jack!

Jack Nicholson: I’d rather stick needles in my eye!

Buddy Precisely: I love it when you kid me! Claudine, take this wonderful megastar to his table, and sit him right next to.. Nick Nolte!

Tracy Ullman: [ bounces into the room ] Bud-dy, Bud-dy!

Buddy Precisely: Tracy Ullman, everybody! Tracy Ullman! [ hugs her ] Look at you! Welcome you Golden Globe-winning star! How’s your highly-acclaimed serie?

Tracy Ullman: It’s in the basement, Buddy! It is! I can get a walk, but I can’t get ratings! [ laughs ]

Buddy Precisely: And you can’t get a table here! [ pushes her away ] Take it outside, take it outside, take it outside.. [ Bouncer removes her ] I love you, Tracy, you’re the Moe Howard of England, take it outside!

Gary Sermans: [ enters ] Hello. I’m Gary Sermans, I have a reservation?

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh? And where might I have heard that name?

Gary Sermans: Well, I’m an actor and a writer, you probably haven’t heard of me – yet.

Buddy Precisely: A total unknown? An anbsolute nobody? Wait at the bar, wait at the bar..

Gary Sermans: Well, wait a minute! I have a script in development!

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhhh? What studio?

Gary Sermans: Paramount!

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhh! And what did you do before that?

Gary Sermans: I was Dick Clark’s poolboy!

Buddy Precisely: Claudine! Seat this very important young man immediately! Ladies and gentlemen, Dick Clark’s poolboy! [ shows him inside the dining area ] Wonderful! [ Dolly Parton enters ] Oh, my goodness! The lovely Doly Parton! Look at you, what can I do for you, you big, huge, wonderful star!

Dolly Parton: Oh, nothing! I’m just here to meet a couple of friends of mine for dinner, and I’m just a little early!

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh.. who are we meeting?

Dolly Parton: Oh, just some friends that I worked with on my television show.

Buddy Precisely: Ohh, yes.. your ill-fated television show. You must feel just awful!

Dolly Parton: Oh, well.. I just believe: if it works, it works, and if it don’t, the Lord takes care of you anyway!

Buddy Precisely: Yes, he does. Even after such an enormous failure!

Dolly Parton: Oh, no more than “Rhinestone”.

Buddy Precisely: Oh, yes, “Rhinestone”, the movie that nearly killed Sylvester Stallone’s entire career!

Dolly Parton: Ohhhh.. we’re still friends, he calls me every now and then..

Buddy Precisely: [ interested ] Uh-huh? What other huge stars call you?

Dolly Parton: Oh, listen, Buddy, I don’t want to take up your time. How about if I just take a seat at the bar?

Buddy Precisely: No one waits at the bar until I tell them, Dolly. [ pause ] Wait at the bar, wait at the bar.. [ Dolly waits at the bar, as an Asian man enters ] Oh! Khangas Moore! You wonderfully, taslented, versatile little star, you! As they say in Thailand, “Mi casa, su casa!” Your table is right here, through the kitchen, with fellow Oscar winners Marlee Matlin and Linda Hunt! Go right in, you big, important star, you! [ shoves him into the kitchen ] Ladies and gentlemen, Charlton Heston is eating a trout in the dining room! [ Rob Lowe enters ] Oh, goodness! Rob Lowe! [ waves hand toward the door ] Take it outside, take it outside, take it outside.. don’t you ever sing in public again!

Dolly Parton: [ comes forward ] Excuse me, Buddy?

Buddy Precisely: Yes, Dolly?

Dolly Parton: Buddy, I don’t mean to interrupt you, but there seems to be something awful coming out of your kitchen!

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh?

Dolly Parton: Well, I don’t want to panic anybody, but back where we come from, we call it a fire!

Buddy Precisely: You incredibly, observant star! How observant of you!

[ Firemen rush in ]

Fireman: Where’s the manager?! Where’s the manager?!

Buddy Precisely: Excuse me! I believe I’m talking to my good friend, Dolly Parton! [ the firefighters are excited ] Go right in, Dolly, you wonderful, grand star! I love you when you’re here! [ lets Dolly into the dining area, then turns to the firemen ] Now, what do you want?

Fireman: We’re the Beverly Hills Fire Department.

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhhh? And where might I have seen your work?

Fireman: Well.. we put a fire out in the stock room at Bejean’s.

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh?

Fireman: Yeah.. a two-alarm fire.

Buddy Precisely: Two-alarm? Not one-alarm, two-alarm?

Fireman: Two-alarm.

Buddy Precisely: Not a three-alarm? [ waves his hands towards the bar ] Wait at the bar, wait at the bar.. Ramone, the smoke, please, take it outside, take it outside..

[ Bouncer helps Buddy fan the smoke outside, as the sketch fades out ]

SNL Transcripts