Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 16
Tales of Ribaldry
Evelyn Quince…..Jon Lovitz
Lady Cicily…..Nora Dunn
[ open on Evelyn Quince, dressed rather foppish and acting as excited as a small child ]
Evelyn Quince: Hellio.. and welcome to “Tales of Rrrribaldry”! I’m your host, Evelyn Quince. Tonight, I would like to share with you a naughty tale of a lusty woodsman and a wanton lady, and possibly a cuckolded husband! Oh, it’s high rrrribaldry at its best! And it’s about to start – let’s watch![ cut to the scene with Lady Cicily sitting in her room ]
Woodsman: [ enters ] Excuse me, Lady Cicily. I’ve finished chopping the wood, and if there won’t be anything else, I’d like to go back to my cabin and take a cold bath. You see, a vigorous wood chopping always makles me feel hot and sweaty and bit.. randy.
Lady Cicily: Please, Woodsman, come in. You see, my husband is in town and will be gone for several hours. I’m quite alone. There’s a few things you could.. do.. for me.[ cut quickly to Evelyn Quince enjoying the scene ]
Evelyn Quince: Oh, my! Our little story is unfolding quite nicely! A handsome woodsman and a beautiful lady, with the husband conveniently in town. Perhaps at the haberdashery, being fitted for cuckold horns? [ make horns around his head ] Yes![ cut back to the scene with Lady Cicily and the Woodsman ]
Lady Cicily: Woodsman, could you open the window? It’s suddenly very hot in here, and I need a breeze.
Woodsman: Certainly, my lady. [ opens window, breeze tears his shirt open ] There you are, my lady.
Lady Cicily: Woodsman, you’ve ripped your shirt![ cut quickly to Evelyn Quince enjoying the scene ]
Evelyn Quince: Ohhh! My face is crimson! [ giggles ] It appears we are having a baudy fest tonight![ cut back to the scene with Lady Cicily and the Woodsman ]
Lady Cicily: Hmm.. narrow in the waist, broad in the shoulder.. much larger than my husband’s, you’ll never fit in any of his shirts.
Woodsman: Not to worry, my lady. I’ll just put on my coat. [ wraps it around him ]
Lady Cicily: Oh, Woodsman, would you mind helping me move that chest over there.
Woodsman: Certainly not, my lady.
Lady Cicily: It’s very heavy. I’ll help you out, but first I’ll change into something more.. appropriate.[ Woodsman glances at the camera with a smirk on his face ] [ cut quickly to Evelyn Quince enjoying the scene ]
Evelyn Quince: Ooooohhhh..! Is he thinking what I’m thinking! Well, it might be naughty! Let’s find out![ cut back to the scene with Lady Cicily and the Woodsman ]
Lady Cicily: Woodsman, you can push the chest, and I’ll pull. [ as she pulls, her dress gets caught on the chest and is ripped off ] [ cut quickly to Evelyn Quince enjoying the scene ]
Evelyn Quince: Ooohh..! Oh, tonight’s tale is particularly naughty! Lusty, baudy, deliciously risque! I am ravished to say, bordering on an indecent, saucy, randy, suggestively off-color tale of rrrrribaldry! Isn’t it?[ cut back to Woodsman covering Lady Cicily’s chest with a fur ]
Woodsman: I didn’t see a thing, my lady.
Lady Cicily: Thank you, Woodsman. Now, would you help me.. light the chandelier?
Woodsman: My lady, may I be so bold as to speak freely?
Lady Cicily: Why, yes.
Woodsman: I mean, I could help you fix things here all night. And, maybe, during the course of the evening, my pants might fall down. Or a mysterious draft might come through that window and blow your skirt up over your head, giving us brief, but titilating glimpses of one another. But what are we waiting for, eh? I’m a lusty woodsman, and you’re a wanton lady. Hey, let’s just do it, eh? Let’s just have hot, passionate sex.
Lady Cicily: Oh, I’d like nothing more![ they start to make out with one another ] [ cut quickly to Evelyn Quince no longer enjoying the scene ]
Evelyn Quince: Oh, I don’t like this! This is becoming less randy and more sexually explicit at every moment! Our once baudy tale is turning into a tawdry tale of pornography! I don’t like it![ cut to Woodsman and Lady Cicily still removing all their clothes ] [ cut back to Evelyn Quince annoyed at the scene ]
Evelyn Quince: No, no, no, no, we’ll have none of this! Yuo’ve gone too far! You’ve ruined it for me! [ faux cries ] Well, this tale is over, but you must admit it was a ribald tale, wasn’t it? Join me next week when a rakish yachtsman meets a lacivious lady, whose husband is conveniently plummenting in erotic Istanbul. I trust they’ll behave themselves. Until then, I’m Evelyn Quince. Goodbye everybody, goodbye!