SNL Transcripts: Matthew Broderick: 10/15/88: Cooking With Monkey

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

Cooking With Monkey

Don Winston…..Dana Carvey
Chef Antoine…..Jon Lovitz
Patron #1…..Jan Hooks
Patron #2…..Victoria Jackson
Patron #3…..Dennis Miller

[ Fade in to a kitchen as title card is shown ]

Don Winston: Good afternoon, and welcome once again to “Cooking With Monkey.” I’m your host, Don Winston. Tonight we’ll be making Monkey Casserole Mexicali, a spicy monkey dish from south of the border. [ takes a pot out of the oven ] All right. Mm-mm. [ sets it on the cutting board and lifts the lid ] Huh? The chiles just really wake up the monkey. Heh heh.Now, before we get started, I was at the zoo today, and I noticed something. Maybe you’ve noticed this too. They always put the snack bar right next to the monkey house. It’s true. And you know why, don’t you? It’s because you go in there, you see those monkeys and you get hungry. You walk outside, and there’s the snack bar. Pretty smart I guess, huh? Anyway, just something I noticed.And now, let’s get to our mailbag. [ picks up a letter ] This letter is from Jennifer Carson of Stockton, Texas, and she writes, “Dear Don, recently I served your recipe for Orange Monkey Flambé to my neighbors, but when I wheeled the flaming monkey out into the dining room, I was greeted with stares instead of the applause I was expecting. Did I not follow the recipe correctly?” Probably you followed the recipe, but guests can be intimidated by the sight of a flaming monkey. It’s a little too fancy for a get-to-know-you dinner. A better choice would have been something like … uh, Monkey Loaf with three bean salad, or even just Monkey Pot Pie.Okay, let’s get back to our recipe for Monkey Casserole Mexicali. Mm-mm! The first thing, of course, is good monkey meat. [ displays it in a bowl ] Now, it’s important to use a young monkey. [ holds up a photograph ] This is the monkey we’re preparing today. His name was Pepe and he was less than a year old. I had a little of him this morning and he was so good I couldn’t help but pick at him all day. [ chuckles ] You know what I’m talking about.The second thing you want with monkey meat is freshness. In fact, I had a chance recently to talk about this with the famous French chef Antoine at Monkey House on East 48th Street here in Manhattan. Can we roll that tape, please?[ the tape begins with an outdoor shot of NYC at night ]

Don Winston V/O: The French Monkey House is just an elegant spot for fine monkey dining.

[ fade to Antoine talking to Don ]

Chef Antoine: I cannot emphasize enough how important is ze monkey freshness.

Don Winston: So you wouldn’t use, say, a frozen monkey? [ Antoine scowls, and Don nods. Don notices a monkey habitat behind them ] Hey, um – what, what is this over here, chef?

Chef Antoine: Oh, well, to ensure the freshness, we have ze live monkeys here in ze restaurant, and ze patrons can pick out the monkey they desire, of course, and we have the monkeys in a glass cage, to keep the stink from coming out.

Waiter: Your order, madame?

Patron #1: Oh, I don’t know, [ points ] I think I’ll take that frisky one, the one swinging around up there? [ to husband ] Is that good? [ husband nods, waiter takes another order ]

Waiter: Madame?

Patron #2: I’ll take that one that was riding the tricycle.

[ the waiter nods, walks to patron #3 ]

Patron #3: And I would like the little one that’s clinging to the bigger one.

Waiter: Oui, monsieur.

Don Winston: Chef Antoine, let me ask you a question: what about people who say it’s wrong to eat monkey? … With a rosé? (wine)

Chef Antoine: Rosé? Pphhht! Ha ha ha ha ha! [ Don laughs along with him ] [ fade to another outdoor shot of NYC at night ]

Don Winston V/O: As we bid adieu to the French Monkey House, we say … goodbye … to the French Monkey House.

[ back to Don in the kitchen ]

Don Winston: Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today. You know, I’m sorry I didn’t get to show you how to prepare Monkey Casserole Mexicali, but once again, here’s how it looks when it’s done. [ lifts the lid off the pot ] Mmmm! Pepe es muy bueno!Now if you’d like a copy of this recipe, plus one of my patented monkey de-boners, please sent $4.98 to [ the address is displayed ] Cooking With Monkey, Top of the Empire State Building, New York, New York. And join us next week, when our recipe will be Monkey in a Blanket. Mm-mm. I’m Don Winston. Bye now.

[ Title card displayed again. Fade to SNL Band ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

SNL Transcripts: Matthew Broderick: 10/15/88: Matthew Broderick’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

Matthew Broderick’s Monologue

…..Matthew Broderick

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen — Matthew Broderick!

[ Matthew takes center stage as the audience applauds ]

Matthew Broderick: Thanks! Thanks! Thank you very much. Thanks a lot. It’s great to be here. It’s great to be here. I can’t believe I’m finally hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I should tell you, I’m pretty nervous, um, this is my first time doing live television, and it’s a little scary.

[ turns to camera B ]

There are several rules for doing a monologue on a show like this.

[ text appears above him: “TIPS FOR THE MONOLOGUE”, followed by bullet points ]

The first rule is to project vulnerability. You pretend you’re nervous, and it helps get the audience on your side. Also, it’s good to remind them that this is a live show and that anything can happen.

[ turns back to camera A ]

This is a live show, and anything can happen … [ touches forehead ] especially when you’re working with a group like this, because after spending a week with these people, I can tell you, this group is crazy.

[ turns to camera B ]

Rule number two: Always say “This group is crazy”. It reinforces the element of danger, and it flatters the writers, makes them feel like they haven’t lost their edge.

[ turns to camera A ]

Boy, let me tell you, live TV is the scariest thing in the world. I mean, if you mess up something on live TV, that’s it. You don’t get to do it three or four times like you get to do in the movies.

[ turns to camera B ]

Rule number three: Always work in a mention of your movie.

[ turns to camera A ]

Speaking of movies, I just completed one. It’s called “Torch Song Trilogy” and it’s opening December 14. [ applause ] I’m feeling — I’m feeling better now and uh, I’m all relaxed and well-rehearsed, and my hands are clean.

[ turns to camera B ]

Rule number four: Employees must wash their hands.

[ turns to camera A ]

So — it’s gonna be a great show. We have the Sugarcubes here, so stick around! We’ll be right back!

[ applause ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

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