Saturday Night Live: 1988-1989

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: 1988-1989

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  • Dana Carvey
  • Nora Dunn
  • Phil Hartman
  • Jan Hooks
  • Victoria Jackson
  • Jon Lovitz
  • Dennis Miller
  • Kevin Nealon
  • Featuring:

  • A. Whitney Brown
  • Al Franken
  • Mike Myers (first: 01/21/89)
  • Ben Stiller (first: 03/25/89)
  • Episodes

  • 10/08/88: Tom Hanks / Keith Richards
  • 10/15/88: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes
  • 10/22/88: John Larroquette / Randy Newman & Mark Knopfler
  • 11/05/88: Matthew Modine / Edie Brickell & New Bohemians
  • 11/12/88: Demi Moore / Johnny Clegg & Savuka
  • 11/19/88: John Lithgow / Tracy Chapman
  • 12/03/88: Danny DeVito / The Bangles
  • 12/10/88: Kevin Kline / Bobby McFerrin
  • 12/17/88: Melanie Griffith / Little Feat
  • 01/21/89: John Malkovich / Anita Baker
  • 01/28/89: Tony Danza / John Hiatt
  • 02/11/89: Ted Danson / Luther Vandross
  • 02/18/89: Leslie Nielsen / Cowboy Junkies
  • 02/25/89: Glenn Close / Gipsy Kings
  • 03/25/89: Mary Tyler Moore / Elvis Costello
  • 04/01/89: Mel Gibson / Living Colour
  • 04/15/89: Dolly Parton
  • 04/22/89: Geena Davis / John Mellencamp
  • 05/13/89: Wayne Gretzky / Fine Young Cannibals
  • 05/20/89: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
  • SummaryDuring the 1978 season, the original cast of “Saturday Night Live” performed some of their all-time funniest sketches on the show. Now, ten years later, Lorne Michaels’ second cast performs some of their all-time funniest sketches on the show. From the bold singing of “The Penis Song” on a nude beach, to the excellent Wayne’s World shwingfest, or simple premises such as Mel Gibson playing a much-adorned gynecologist, and the Bush-Dukakis debate, “SNL” proved it could still pull some of the funniest jokes to date.

    Despite the laughs and good times, everyone at “Saturday Night Live”, and the world over, was saddened by the death of original cast member Gilda Radner on the day of the season finale, hosted by Steve Martin, perhaps the saddest one of all.

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Matthew Broderick: 10/15/88: Hollywood Salute

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 14: Episode 2

    88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

    Hollywood Salute

    Andrea Shell…..Jan Hooks
    Jackie Jarvis…..Jon Lovitz
    General Custer…..Phil Hartman
    Little Hawk…..Matthew Broderick
    Sergeant…..Dennis Miller

    [ Opening: the title logo appears over some 1940s “behind the scenes” footage ]

    Andrea Shell: Hello, I’m Andrea Shell. Welcome to “Hollywood Salute”. In the early 1950s, enormous power was shifted from the studio moguls, to the movie stars who had acquired a solid public following. One of them was Jackie Jarvis, the unequivocal master of the gangster film.

    [ A slideshow is shown of posters of his films ]

    Andrea Shell V/O: “Public Menace” … “The Face in the Post Office” … “Ask My Machine Gun” … and “Bullets Be Not Few”.

    [ Back to the main set ]

    Andrea Shell: The success of these films, and others, allowed Jackie Jarvis to break away from this gangster image, and explore new film genres. He did his first in a box office hit in 1952, “Crazy Horse: Tough Guy of the Plains”. Enjoy.

    [ The clip is shown. Although this is the Civil War, the whole thing plays out like a 30s/40s gangster movie, with suspenseful music and everything. ]

    [ General Custer’s headquarters, day. A knock at the door. ]

    General Custer: Come in!

    [ Sergeant enters ]

    Sergeant: General Custer?

    General Custer: Yeah, what’s cookin’?

    Sergeant: Guess who just breezed into the fort?

    General Custer: Can’t imagine!

    Sergeant: Crazy Horse.

    General Custer: You’re kidding.

    Sergeant: He’s right outside.

    General Custer: Well well well. All right, Sergeant, send him in and uh, stick around.

    Sergeant: Check. [ opens the door ] Come in!

    [ Crazy Horse enters, over a dramatic sting ]

    General Custer: Hello, Chief!

    Crazy Horse: Hello, General!

    General Custer: Call me George.

    Crazy Horse: Call me Crazy.

    General Custer: Have a seat.

    Crazy Horse: Don’t mind if I do.

    [ they both sit down ]

    General Custer: To what do I owe the honor?

    Crazy Horse: No point beatin’ around the bush! You got my kid locked up!

    General Custer: Ah yes, Little Hawk. We picked him up on a drunk and disorderly outside of Jim Bridge’s Trading Post! Seems he can’t hold his firewater, Crazy!

    Crazy Horse: Standard rap for a D&D is three days! [ they both stand up ] You’ve had him in this joint for a WEEK! AND I WANT HIM BACK!!

    General Custer: EASY, CRAZY, EASY! You’ll get your boy back, but first I want you to answer a few questions! Capisce?

    Crazy Horse: Capisce! [ sits down ] What kinda questions?

    General Custer: [ walks over to a map, points to a spot ] My scouts tell me that several tribes of hostiles have congregated on the lower east side of the Little Bighorn!

    Crazy Horse: Yeah, so? Some of the fellas got together for a little huntin’ and fishin’! So what?

    General Custer: That don’t add up, Crazy! Since when are the Oglala pals-y with the Cheyenne and the Arapaho?

    Crazy Horse: Just a little huntin’ and fishin’! That’s all!

    General Custer: I ain’t buyin’ it.

    Crazy Horse: [ stands up ] YOU CALLIN’ ME A LIAR??

    General Custer: JUST ANSWER MY QUESTION!!


    General Custer: [ to Sergeant ] All right, go get him.

    [ Sergeant exits, Crazy Horse sits down laughing ]

    Crazy Horse: [ rests his feet up on the table ] You know, George, you wide-eyes really slay me. You call me a liar … yet your tongue’s so forked, I could tie it in a bow behind your back! [ guffaws ]

    General Custer: [ sits down ] Spare me the wisecracks, Crazy … [ Crazy continues laughing ] … HEY! What’s shapin’ up on the lower east side? Crazy Horse: All right, I’ll level with ya. Some of the boys are pretty bent out of shape about that Fort Laramie treaty. One minute you promise sovereignty over the promise — the sacred lands. And the next minute we got A THOUSAND MINERS BREATHIN’ DOWN OUR NECKS! General Custer: Nobody knew gold would be discovered in the Black Hills.


    [ Harmonica music swells up ]

    General Custer: [ stands up ] … I’m sorry. I guess that makes us pretty much look like a bunch of hypocrites, doesn’t it?

    Crazy Horse: [ stands up, walks over to him ] You know, I, I can’t figure you white devils. These plains used to be a nice place to live. And you clowns come along and it’s all massacres, railroads and subdivisions! Georgie! What gives?

    [ Dramatic sting. Sergeant enters with Little Hawk ]

    Crazy Horse: You all right??

    Little Hawk: Sure, Pop. Ain’t built a stockade that can hold me, or a white woman who can resist me!

    [ Crazy Horse laughs, pats him on the shoulder ]


    Little Hawk: You oughta, but you won’t.

    General Custer: Won’t I?

    Little Hawk: Not if you’re smart, you won’t.

    General Custer: Just watch me!

    Little Hawk: Try it, blue coat! [ whips out a pocket knife ] I’ll have your wig on a lodge pole before you can say ouch.

    General Custer: [ aims a pistol at Little Hawk ] You better call him off, Crazy ..

    Crazy Horse: Oh, now look!

    General Custer: YOU LOOK! I’ll put a new pair of nostrils on his forehead, I swear it!


    General Custer: HAVE IT YOUR WAY!

    Little Hawk: Let me at him, Pop!

    General Custer: Why, for two cents I’d —

    Crazy Horse: Yeah? What would you do for a nickel?

    General Custer: [ marks a line on the ground with his foot ] Just cross that line!

    Crazy Horse: It don’t look like one of yours! It don’t got a FENCE on it! Ha!

    Little Hawk: Good one!

    Crazy Horse: Thanks!

    General Custer: All right, you two, get outta here while the gettin’s good! [ two sergeants enter ] Escort these two gentlemen to the gate!

    Little Hawk: Take it easy, boys … we was just leavin’.

    Crazy Horse: Yeah. Come on. [ leaves, then turns around ] Oh, Georgie? Feel free to drop by the Little Bighorn any time for some … huntin’ and fishin’!

    Little Hawk: Yeah! Just a little huntin’ and fishin’! [ he and Crazy Horse laugh ]

    Crazy Horse: Come on. [ they exit with the sergeants ] HI-ya-ya-ya, HI-ya-ya-ya …

    [ Back to Andrea on the main set ]

    Andrea Shell: Crazy Horse was followed by even greater Jackie Jarvis successes: “Mugs from Mars”, “Samson vs. the Feds”, and “Bombo Behind Bars”. This is Andrea Shell from “Hollywood Salute”, wishing you good night.

    [ Applause, fade out ]

    Submitted by: G. Gomez

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