SNL Transcripts: Matthew Broderick: 10/15/88: Matthew Broderick’s Monologue




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2





88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

Matthew Broderick’s Monologue

…..Matthew Broderick

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen — Matthew Broderick!

[ Matthew takes center stage as the audience applauds ]

Matthew Broderick: Thanks! Thanks! Thank you very much. Thanks a lot. It’s great to be here. It’s great to be here. I can’t believe I’m finally hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I should tell you, I’m pretty nervous, um, this is my first time doing live television, and it’s a little scary.

[ turns to camera B ]

There are several rules for doing a monologue on a show like this.

[ text appears above him: “TIPS FOR THE MONOLOGUE”, followed by bullet points ]

The first rule is to project vulnerability. You pretend you’re nervous, and it helps get the audience on your side. Also, it’s good to remind them that this is a live show and that anything can happen.

[ turns back to camera A ]

This is a live show, and anything can happen … [ touches forehead ] especially when you’re working with a group like this, because after spending a week with these people, I can tell you, this group is crazy.

[ turns to camera B ]

Rule number two: Always say “This group is crazy”. It reinforces the element of danger, and it flatters the writers, makes them feel like they haven’t lost their edge.

[ turns to camera A ]

Boy, let me tell you, live TV is the scariest thing in the world. I mean, if you mess up something on live TV, that’s it. You don’t get to do it three or four times like you get to do in the movies.

[ turns to camera B ]

Rule number three: Always work in a mention of your movie.

[ turns to camera A ]

Speaking of movies, I just completed one. It’s called “Torch Song Trilogy” and it’s opening December 14. [ applause ] I’m feeling — I’m feeling better now and uh, I’m all relaxed and well-rehearsed, and my hands are clean.

[ turns to camera B ]

Rule number four: Employees must wash their hands.

[ turns to camera A ]

So — it’s gonna be a great show. We have the Sugarcubes here, so stick around! We’ll be right back!

[ applause ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

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SNL Transcripts: Matthew Broderick: 10/15/88: Nude Beach



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2



88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

Nude Beach

Bob…..Dana Carvey
Doug…..Matthew Broderick
Jack…..Kevin Nealon
Ted…..Dennis Miller
Bill…..Jon Lovitz
Woman #1…..Victoria Jackson
Woman #2…..Nora Dunn

[ a couple of guys walk around a nude beach ]

Bob: Is this great or what?

Doug: I feel a little self-conscious, Bob. I mean, I’ve never been to a nude beach before.

Bob: Aw, listen, Doug, you don’t have to worry about that here. The people at this club, they’re not hung up about that kind of thing. That’s what’s great about it, everyone’s just here to relax.

Doug: Really?

Bob: Yeah, yeah. Believe me, in a few minutes, you’ll forget all about it. C’mon, I’ll introduce you to some of the guys.

Doug: Okay…thanks, Bob.

Bob: Hey guys!

Jack: Hey, Bob! Hey, your penis looks great today.

Bob: Thanks, Jack. Yours too.

Ted: Hey, Bob.

Bob: Hey, Ted. How’s your penis?

Ted: Not bad.

Bob: Good. Hey, I’d like you guys to meet Doug.

Jack: Hey, Doug.

Doug: Hey, guys.

Jack: Hey, pretty small penis there, Doug.

Doug: Huh?

Ted: Yeah. You could pick a lock with that penis.

Jack: Hey, that’s okay. There’s plenty of guys around here with small penises. Bill’s got one. Hey, Bill – come on over here and show him your penis! Bill, this is Doug.

Bill: Hey, Doug.

Doug: Hey, Bill.

Bill: So I guess you have a pretty small penis.

Doug: Yeah, I guess so.

Bill: Well, that’s okay. I hear it really doesn’t matter to women.

Doug: Yeah, I read that.

Jack: Okay you two, enough small penis talk.

Ted: Hey, guys, wanna see my pictures from Barbados?

All: Yeah, sure.

Ted: Okay. That’s me with some friends on a catamaran.

Jack: Penis looks great.

Ted: Thanks. Here’s me, playing tennis with my father.

Bob: Hey, you’ve really got your dad’s penis.

Ted: Yeah. By the way, Jack, what have you done with your penis? It looks super!

Jack: Oh, I go to this place on Long Island. They do great work.

Ted: Wow. You got the address?

Jack: Sure.

Ted: Great. I’ll write it on my penis so I won’t forget.

Bill: So, Doug, where are you from?

Doug: Montpelier, Vermont.

Jack: Oooh…cold up there. Must be tough on the penis.

Bob: Bill, you’re from Denver, right?

Bill: Yeah…

Ted: Good penis town.

Woman #1: Hey, everybody!

Jack: Hey girls!

Woman #2: Hey, who’s the new guy with the penis?

Bob: Oh, that’s Doug.

Woman #1: Hey Doug.

Doug: Hi.

Woman #2: Hey, pretty small penis.

Doug: Yeah.

Woman #1: That’s okay.

Doug: Hey, thanks.

Woman #2: Hey, Dave just made a great sand penis sculpture. You should come and see it before the tide comes in.

Woman #1: Yeah, it’s got testicles and everything!

Ted: Great. We’ll check it out.

Bill: See, Doug, you had nothing to worry about.

Doug: Yeah, I guess not.

Jack: Hey, who wants to sing the club anthem?

All: Yeah!

Bob: Okay, I’ll start:

“I once had a penis sing to me
His Penis Penis song
And when that Penis Penis sang
Here was the Penis’s song
He’d sing me…”

All:
“Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis, penis song.
Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis all day long.
Penis, penis, penis, penis…”

[ Jack steps forward ]

Jack: Hi, I’m Kevin Nealon. What you just saw was an attempt to make an important point – that wherever you go, no matter how you look on the outside, we’re all pretty much the same. You know, when the Standards Department was dissolved here at NBC, we welcomed it as an opportunity to deal with issues like these in a frank way. And to be honest, we’re a little disheartened by the snickering we heard during this presentation. It kind of makes us wonder if there’s room for serious discussion of these subjects on television. So to those of you who missed the point – grow up. Really.

All:
“Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis all day long..”

SNL Transcripts