SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 05/19/90: Wayne’s World

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 20

Search Now: In Association with

89t: Candice Bergen / The Notting Hillbillies

Wayne’s World

Wayne…..Mike Myers
Garth…..Dana Carvey
Hillary Algar…..Candice Bergen

Garth: Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your excellent host – Wayne Campbell!

Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, it’s time to party! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay! Before I bring out our first guest – Garth and I go see movies, right? And from time to time, we review them. So, right now, we’d like to present another installment of.. “Wayne & Garth’s Movie World!”

“Movie World!
Party time!
Party time!


Wayne: Okay! Let’s go to the movies!

Garth: Alright!

Wayne: Alright! The first movie is “Pretty woman”, with that totally excellent babe Julia Roberts! Grrrrrrrrowwwwllll!! I thought it was excellent – she’s magically delicious!

Garth: I agree! I thought she was excellent! She’s such a babe, it hurts – owwww..

Wayne: You’re right, Garth! You know, they should introduce stern legislation to curb such dangerous levels of babacity! Alright, the next movie. “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, starring.. some turtles. Didn’t see it. Garth?

Garth: No, I didn’t see it. You know, you just can’t get in, there’s too many turtleheads!

Wayne: Good call! good call! Okay, the next movie. “The Hunt For Red October”, starring Sean Connery. Garth?

Garth: I really liked it, it was scary.

Wayne: I rather liked it – not!

Garth: Seriously?

Wayne: Okay, to be fair, you know, I really couldn’t pay attention, because I was sitting beside this guy – this mental case. He kept sniffing his fingers the whole time.

Garth: No way!

Wayne: Way!

Garth: Gross!

Wayne: Telling! Okay! The last movie is.. “Opportunity Knocks”, starring Dana Carvey. I thought it was funny. Garth?

Garth: Sucked!

Wayne: Okay! Extreme Close-Up!

[ camera zooms in individually on Wayne and Garth’s faces, as they scream maniacally ]

Wayne: Okay!

Garth: Excellent close-up!

Wayne: Alright!

Garth: Good close-up!

Wayne: Okay! Last week, as you know, was Mother’s Day, right? So, in keeping with that spirit, let’s bring out our first guest, alright? You all know her as Garth’s mom – please welcome Mrs. Hillary Algar, Garth’s mom!

“Wayne’s World!Wayne’s World!Party time!Excellent!Owww!!”

[ Garth’s mom comes down the stairs and takes a seat next to Garth on the couch ]

Wayne: [ extremely smitten ] Welcome to “Wayne’s World”, Mrs. Algar!

Hillary Algar: Well.. thanks, Wayne! Hi, Garth.

Garth: [ shy ] Hi, Mom!

Wayne: Mrs. Algar, I just have to say it – for a mom, you’re a fox!

Hillary Algar: Oh, thank you, Wayne!

Wayne: No, I’m serious! I’m serious. You’re such a fox.. you should be on the FOX Network!

Hillary Algar: Really.. you’re embarrasing me!

Wayne: In France, you would be known as “La Renard” – The Fox! In England, you would be hunted by the aristocracy with only your cunning to protect you!

Garth: Hey, Wayne, that’s my mom you’re talking about!

Wayne: I’m sorry, Garth – sorry – but you got a babe for a mom! You’re such a lucky duck!

Garth: [ meekly ] She’s just my mom.

Wayne: Alright, Mrs. Algar – you’re married to Beev, right?

Hillary Algar: That’s right.

Wayne: [ to the point ] Why?

Hillary Algar: Because I love him.

Wayne: Okay, but.. I mean, here’s a picture of you.. [ holds up a stunning photo of Mrs. Algar ] Grrroowwlll!! Alright? And, here’s a picture of Beev. [ holds up a nerdy photo of Garth’s dad, Beev ] Contrast and compare. The man’s a dweeb! How can a dweeb like him be married to a fox like you?

Garth: Just shut up! Just shut up, Wayne! That’s my dad you’re talking about!!

Wayne: Alright! Take a pill! Geesh! Don’t have a harry about it!

Hillary Algar: Listen, Wayne, don’t call my husband a dweeb, you gimp! [ slaps Wayne ]

Wayne: [ pleased ] The fox came to fight! Alright, you’re right, okay.. Beev’s a nice man. I just got carried away.

Hillary Algar: Well, let’s talk about something else, okay?

Wayne: Alright. The summer’s coming up.

Hillary Algar: Perfect. What are you doing this summer?

Wayne: Well.. I’m gonna join the pool.. and then, later on, I’m gonna do Outward Bound. Garth?

Garth: [ taken by surprise ] Um.. my-my-my dad and I, we’re gonna go to, um.. computer camp, for a month..

Wayne: A whole month?

Garth: Yeah.

Wayne: Just you and your dad?

Garth: Yeah.

Wayne: And your mom’s not going?

Garth: No-o-o-o!

Wayne: Really?

[ Wayne frantically waves his hands, falling into a fantasy sequence ] [ Wayne’s fantasy sequence becomes reminiscent of “Summer of ’42”, as he enters the Algar summer cabin carrying large bags of groceries, with Hillary by his side ]

Wayne: Where would you like me to put these groceries, Mrs. Algar?

Hillary Algar: Oh.. on the table is fine, and.. please.. call me Hillary. I’ll get my purse.

Wayne: Sure, Hillary!

[ Wayne puts the groceries down ]

Hillary Algar: Look, Wayne, I.. can’t thank you enough for carrying those heavy shopping bags all the way from the store. Why.. what with Beev and Garth away at computer camp.. I could really use a man around here.

[ ]

Wayne: Well.. you know.. if you ever need anything, just call me. Okay?

Hillary Algar: Wayne, those bags are so heavy, and that store so far away.. please let me give you some money.

Wayne: [ manly ] I wouldn’t dream of it, Hillary.

Hillary Algar: Well.. at least stay and have a cup of coffee. You are old enough to drink a cup of coffee, aren’t you, Wayne?

Wayne: Shyeah!

Hillary Algar: I was just checking.

Wayne: [ dramatic pause ] I’m old enough.

Hillary Algar: How do you like your coffee?

Wayne: I like my coffee like I like my women.

Hillary Algar: Really? How’s that?

Wayne: Milk and two sugars.

Hillary Algar: What does that mean?

Wayne: I don’t know.

Hillary Algar: You’re sweet. [ grabs a letter from the mail, and begins to read it ]

Garth Voiceover: “Dear Mom. Beev and I are having so much fun, we’re staying an extra month. Love, Garth!”
,br>[ Hillary begins to weep ]

Wayne: Hillary? What’s wrong?

Hillary Algar: It’s just that it’s.. been so hard these past weeks with.. Beev and Garth away at computer camp. I feel so very alone!

[ Hillary falls into Wayne’s arms, as the familiar “Theme From Summer of ’42” pots up ]

Hillary Algar: Dance with me, Wayne.

Wayne: O-kay..

[ Hillary and Wayne begin to dance in a circle around the kitchen, with Hillary’s head on Wayne’s shoulder; each time Wayne slowly turns to face the camera, he gives an assured thumbs-up ] [ suddenly, Garth waves his arms and falls into Wayne’s fantasy sequence ]

Wayne: Garth! What are you doing here?! This is my dream sequence!

Garth: [ points gun at Wayne ] That’s my mom, you pig!

Wayne: Garth! No!

Garth: [ shoots gun at Wayne ] Kaboo-oo-oommmm!!

Wayne: [ screaming as he faux dies ] Blood, blood, blood! Sinew! Entrails! Blood, blood, blood, blood!

[ Wayne falls out of his fantasy sequence, back into his basement show set ]

Garth: Wake up, Wayne! Wake up! Wake up, Wayne!

Wayne: Garth, don’t be mad at me!!

Garth: For what?!

Wayne: [ sees that he’s back safe in the basement ] Oh, good! It was all a dream! [ notices that the grocery bags from his fantasy are on the floor by the couch ] Or was it?! Who-o-o-o-o-oa-oa-aahhh!! That’s all the time we have this week! Hillary, I love you!

Hillary Algar: I love you, too, Wayne.

Wayne: [ surprised ] Really?

Hillary Algar: Fished in!

Garth: Alright! Good one, Mom! Excellent!

Wayne: Give me a tetnus, I just got a major fox bite! Okay! Until then – party on, Garth!

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: Alright! “Wayne’s World!

[ title up, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 04/21/90: The Greta Garbo I Knew

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 18

Search Now: In Association with

89r: Alec Baldwin / The B-52’s

The Greta Garbo I Knew

James O’Brien…..Alec Baldwin
Greta Garbo…..Jan Hooks
Delivery Boy…..Rob Schneider

[ open on black and white photograph of Greta Garbo ]

James O’Brien V/O: This is Greta Garbo as the public remembered her – the luminous legend of the screen. But I remember a different Garbo – the reclusive woman for whom I, James O’Brien, worked in 1983. Garbo was intensely protected of her privacy, and maintaining it was always a challenge. I remember my first day..

[ dissolve to Greta Garbo’s reclusive home ]

James O’Brien: [ enters sunroom ] Miss Garbo?

Greta Garbo: [ looks up from behind dark shades ] Are you.. alone?

James O’Brien: Yes.

Greta Garbo: Very well.

James O’Brien: I have flowers here for you. From another anonymous fan.

Greta Garbo: [ sighs ] Put them in another room. I want to be.. alone.

James O’Brien: Yes, Miss Garbo.

Greta Garbo: Let me see them. [ takes the flowers ] Ohh.. they’re so beautiful. Put each flower in a separate vase, so that they are.. alone.

James O’Brien: Yes, Miss Garbo. Are you ready for your lunch?

Greta Garbo: Yes. I’ll have a single baked potato.. wrapped in its own foil.

James O’Brien: Would you like the potato with butter?

Greta Garbo: No, no, no, no.. alone.

James O’Brien: Yes, Miss Garbo, I’ll prepare that for you.

Greta Garbo: You may.. leave me.. alone.. now.

James O’Brien: Yes, ma’am. Goodbye.

Greta Garbo: So long.. [ phone rings, she panics ] Oh, no.. uh.. telephone! Telephone! Telephone! Telephone! [ James rushes in ] Please.. please.. please..

James O’Brien: [ answers phone ] Hello, Miss Garbo’s residence! Miss Garbo? Uhhh…

Greta Garbo: [ waves her arms frantically ]

James O’Brien: She’s not here at this time! Who’s calling, please? Mr. Zeckindorf, from the RKO days..

Greta Garbo: [ waves her arms frantically ]

James O’Brien: Uh.. yeah. She’s, uh..

Greta Garbo: [ rubs her head ]

James O’Brien: ..rubbing herself..

Greta Garbo: [ spins, while contuning to rub her head ]

James O’Brien: ..rubbing her hair.. uh.. no.. what?

Greta Garbo: [ mimes pulling something ]

James O’Brien: Uh.. uh.. you’ll call back?

Greta Garbo: [ waves her arms frantically ]

James O’Brien: No, no, no.. she’ll call you! You’re at a payphone? Oh! Uh.. when will she be back? Uh.. uh..

Greta Garbo: [ holds out her hand, five fingers held up ]

James O’Brien: Five minutes! Hours! Days! Weeks! Months! Years! Uh, no, no, no! Five weeks! She’ll be back in five weeks! Where is she? Uhh.. uhh..

Greta Garbo: [ holds out her arms and mimics and airplane ]

James O’Brien: She’s flying! She’s flying to, uh.. to, uh..

Greta Garbo: [ rocks back and forth ]

James O’Brien: She’s surfing! No, she’s doing the hula.. she’s in Hawaii! She’s in Hawaii! You’re in Hawaii?! Oh! Well! She’s, uh.. she’s, uh..

Greta Garbo: [ touches leaves on an indoor plant ]

James O’Brien: Houseplant.. tree.. leaves.. leaving! She’s leaving Hawaii! To, uh.. to, uh..

Greta Garbo: [ stretches arms out, raises out ]

James O’Brien: To see! To see, uh.. uh..

Greta Garbo: [ drops on all fours ]

James O’Brien: A horse! A dog! A cat! A mouse! Uh.. uh.. An ant! She’s going to visit her aunt! Her aunt who lives in, uh.. lives in, uh.. uh..

Greta Garbo: [ mimes a shell game ]

James O’Brien: Shell game.. dealer.. cards.. cards.. Montel Carlo.. Monte Carlo! She’s in Monte Carlo! She’s visiting her aunt in Monte Carlo! Okay! Bye! [ hangs up phone ] Wow! That was something! I really thought he had us there, being in Hawaii! We pulled it off!

Greta Garbo: You idiot! Now.. I want you to sit down over here. It should not be so difficult. We are going to go over it one more time, okay? Now.. what is it.. that I want?

James O’Brien: To be alone.

Greta Garbo: And?

James O’Brien: To be alone.

Announcer: Next week, on “The Garbo I Knew”.

[ James is trying to keep a Delivery Boy from entering the house, as Garbo hides behind the door ]

James O’Brien: No, really! you can just leave the bags there, I’ll bring them in!

Delivery Boy: Sir, this one’s ripped, you’d better let me bring it in.

James O’Brien: No, no, no, no! You really can’t! The floor.. it was, uh.. it was just waxed!

[ Garbo sneaks away from the door ]

Delivery Boy: No problem..

James O’Brien: No, no, no, please, really..

Delivery Boy: The meat leaked!

James O’Brien: Well, I’ll get some paper towels and clean it up myself!

Delivery Boy: I got a lot of deliveries to make.

James O’Brien: [ gives in ] Alright..

Delivery Boy: [ brings the bags in, puts them on a table, then exits ]

James O’Brien: Thank you.

[ James looks up ablive and discovers Garbo hanging from a chandelier ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

15th Anniversary Special: 09/24/89

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

September 24th, 1989



Father Guido Sarducci

Kevin Nealon

Victoria Jackson

Dan Aykroyd

Steve Martin

Robin Williams

Tom Hanks

Billy Crystal

Sam Kinison

Joan Cusack

Mary Tyler Moore

Jon Lovitz

Lorne Michaels

Chevy Chase

Jane Curtin

Joe Piscopo

Garrett Morris

Susan St. James

Christopher Guest

Martin Short

O.J. Simpson

Steve Martin

Buck Henry

Charlton Heston

Jane Curtin

Laraine Newman

Dennis Miller

Jan Hooks

Mary Tyler Moore

Eddie Murphy’s Entourage

Dan Aykroyd

Jim Belushi

Robin Williams

Bruce Willis

  • Chevy Falls

    Kevin Nealon and Victoria Jackson gawk at the night’s celebrity guests.

    Chevy Chase insists he’s not too old to do the opening fall.

  • Tom Hanks’ Monologue

    Hanks outlines obligatory comments for the monologue.

  • 1975-1980 Highlights

    Clips include: Wolverines, Jaws II, Fred Garvin, Mr. Bill and The Nerds.

  • SNL Moment I

    Susan St. James was first host to marry an SNL producer.

  • Hey, You!

    (Repeat) See: 12/10/77.

  • Jerry Hall

    Jerry Hall introduces Prince.

  • Prince performs “Electric Chair”

  • Hey, You!

    (Repeat) See: 12/10/77.

  • Guest/Short

    Christopher Guest makes fun of Martin Short while introducing clips.

  • 1980-1985 Highlights

    Clips include: The Whiners, Velvet Jones, Fernando’s Hideaway and Mr. Robinson.

  • SNL Moment II

    O.J. Simpson acknowledges Walter Payton’s Superbowl loss.

  • Super Bass-o-Matic ’76

    (Repeat) See: 04/24/76.

  • Steve Martin

    Steve Martin is too excited to introduce clip highlights.

  • 1985-1989 Highlights

    Clips include: Pathlogical Liar, Hans & Franz, Sprockets and Hercules.

  • Charlton Heston

    Charlton Heston reads a letter from an offended SNL viewer.

  • First Citiwide Change Bank I

    (Repeat) See: 10/08/88.

  • Billy Crystal

    Billy Crystal does stand-up about feeling old.

  • Musical Guest Highlights

    highlights of 14 years’ worth of musical guests.

  • Gilda Radner Tribute

    Jane Curtin and Laraine Newman introduce clips of Gilda’s performances.

  • Gilda Radner Highlights

    Clips include: Emily Litella, Baba Wawa, Judy Miller and La Dolce Gilda.

  • Dennis Miller

    Dennis Miller talks about SNL’s political sketches.

  • Political Highlights

    Clips include: Debate ’76, Carter Call-In and Jesse Jackson’s Monologue.

  • SNL Moment III

    Jan Hooks wins the award for most whores portrayed in one SNL episode.

  • Mary Tyler Moore

    Mary Tyler Moore talks about SNL’s tasteless sketches.

  • Tasteless Sketch Highlights

    Clips include: The Widettes, Nude Beach, and Lord & Lady Douchebag.

  • John Belushi Tribute

    Dan Aykroyd and Jim Belushi introduce clips of John’s performances.

  • John Belushi Highlights

    Clips include: Samurai Deli, Godfather Therapy and Little Chocolate Donuts.

  • Robin Williams

    Robin Williams stalls for time by roasting audience members.

  • Compulsion

    (Repeat) See: 11/14/87.

  • “Play Misty For Me”

    (Repeat) See: 01/10/76.

  • Paul Simon Worries

    (Repeat) See: 11/20/76.

  • Paul Simon performs “Still Crazy After All These Years”

  • Bruce Willis

    Bruce Willis reminds cast and crew to be ready for him in the morning.

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 04/21/90: Greenhilly

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 15: Episode 18

    Search Now: In Association with

    89r: Alec Baldwin / The B-52’s


    Mr. Cherrywood…..Alec Baldwin
    Julie…..Jan Hooks
    Madam…..Nora Dunn
    Maid…..Victoria Jackson
    Harry……Phil Hartman

    [ Julie and Mr. Cherrywood enter Greenhilly after playing a game of tennis ]

    Julie: Oh, that was great fun, Mr. Cherrywood! We must do it again sometime!

    Mr. Cherrywood: If your ideaof great fun is chasing a fuzzy little ball over God’s creation, then I pity you!

    Julie: [ laughs ] You know, Mr. Cherrywood, I don’t think you’re half as cranky as you would have ne believe. [ laughs, then notices a bird in the room ] Oh! A bird has flown in! What do we do!

    Mr. Cherrywood: We must try to scare it out the door!

    Julie: Oh, alright..

    Mr. Cherrywood: Here he comes! Here he comes!

    [ they swat their racquets at the bird, causing him to dash back outdoors; they quickly close the doors, laugh the incident off, then slowly gaze into one another’s eyes and fall into a passionate kiss ]

    Julie: [ fights herself off Mr. Cherrywood’s lips ] I must go. [ runs off ]

    Mr. Cherrywood: But, Julie? JUlie!

    Maid: [ enters room ] Your tea, Mr. Cherrywood. Where would you like it?

    Mr. Cherrywood: Oh, over there is fine. Just put it anywhere..

    Maid: [ drops the tray to the floor ] Oh, no! I’m so clumsy! Why did I do that!

    Mr. Cherrywood: [ bends down to help ] Oh, don’t worry.. it’s nothing! Here, let me help you..

    Maid: Oh, no, you musn’t! It’s my fault, not..

    [ their eyes meet, and they fall into a passionate embrace until interrupted ]

    Madam: Well.. isn’t this a pretty sight.

    Maid: Oh, Madam.. oh.. I was.. just bringing the gentleman his tea, and I tripped.. and he was just being kind to me..

    Madam: I can see that. You may go now.

    Maid: Yes, Ma’am.. [ stumbles out of room ]

    Madam: Mr. Cherrywood, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave Greenhilly.

    Mr. Cherrywood: Leave Greenhilly? But why?

    Madam: You’re having a very disruptive effect on everyone in the household.

    Mr. Cherrywood: What are you talking about?

    Madam: Why, even now there’s lipstick all over your face. hold still..

    Mr. Cherrywood: Oh, now, don’t bother..

    [ she wipes the lipstick off of his face, but also falls prey to his charms, ending in a passionate kiss with him ]

    Harry: [ enters, angry ] Just as I thought!

    Madam: Harry!! It’s not what it seems!

    Harry: Prepare to defend yourself, Mr. Cherrywood! If that’s your real name

    Madam: [ runs off ] Oh, help! Someone, please help!

    [ the two men exchange punches; Mr. Cherrywood strongholds Harry, who gives up his struggle, looks into Mr. Cherrywood’s eyes and locks himself in a passionate embrace, then quickly breaks free ]

    Harry: Well.. I’ll be gonig now.. [ walks out ]

    Mr. Cherrywood: But, Harry! Harry! [ spies a dog clawing at the window ] Why, where did you come from? You’re a happy little doggie, aren’t you? Let’s just find out who you belong to. [ tugs dog’s collar, as their eyes fixate on one anothers, and they, too, fall into a passionate embrace ] [ dissolve to title; fade to black ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 04/21/90: Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 15: Episode 18

    Search Now: In Association with

    89r: Alec Baldwin / The B-52’s

    Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

    …..Alec Baldwin
    …..Victoria Jackson

    Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Alec Baldwin!

    Alec Baldwin: Thank you very much! It’s great to be here in New York City hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Now, before we get started, I should explain: this is the part of the show I was the most concerned about. You see, most of my recent work has been in films. In the movies, the moment where the audience first sees you is very important. You’ve got to make them respond to you right away. But I wasn’t sure how to do that on live TV, so I asked some of the cast for advice, and they said, “Don’t worry about telling jokes. This is just like the movies. Charm them. Win them over. Get them on your side.” Now that is something I think I know how to do.

    [ bends head down, looks up slowly ]

    Hi. there!

    [ turns head to left side, smiles ]

    Well, hello there!

    [ turns back to audience, then turns around slowly and pulls off sunlgasses ]

    We meet again!

    [ camera pans slowly up his legs, revealing Alec with cowboy hat pushed below his eyes; he lifts his hat ]


    [ Alec peeks out from behind a curtain ]

    Guess who?

    Victoria Jackson: Uh.. Alec?

    Alec Baldwin: Hello, Victoria.

    Victoria Jackson: I think you’ve charmed them enough.

    Alec Baldwin: Do you think so? I think it’s working. You can feel it!

    Victoria Jackson: Yeah.. Maybe we should move on now.

    Alec Baldwin: Let me just try a couple more, okay? The B-52’s are here. [ Victoria tugs Alec ] We’ve got a great show, we’ll be right back!

    [ Victoria pulls Alec away from the stage ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 04/21/90: Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 15: Episode 18

    Search Now: In Association with

    89r: Alec Baldwin / The B-52’s

    Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

    … Dennis Miller
    … Kevin Nealon
    … A. Whitney Brown

    Music Intro: Led Zeppelin’s “The Immigration Song”

    Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, withanchorperson Dennis Miller!

    [Extended enthusiastic applause. Dennis waits for itto end and, when it doesn’t, takes a sip of water froma cup.]

    Dennis Miller: Good evening and what can I tellya?

    Dan Quayle will be the first sitting vice president toserve as Grand Marshal of the Indianapolis 500 on May26th. A Quayle spokesman said that the vice presidentplans to spend the interim month and a half memorizingthe phrase “Gentlemen, start your engines!”

    President Bush and National Security Advisor BrentScowcroft braved the wind and rain on a Hamilton,Bermuda golf course last week. [Dennis glances at theaccompanying photo in which the thin, elderlyScowcroft appears shrunken, wrinkled and wizenedstanding next to Bush] Kind of instills confidence ina nation to know that their chief security advisorcuts such a dashing figure, huh? … Looks like thelittle bald guy on Benny Hill tryin’ to hold in awhiz. …

    President Bush this week denied rumors that thenation’s railroad system is in shambles. To prove hispoint, he took a group of students from Washington toChicago by handcar. [Video clip shows Bush flying akite with schoolchildren but the video is looped tomake it appear that Bush is pumping his hands up anddown as if pumping a railroad handcar] [Photo of circus clown and child with egg on WhiteHouse lawn] Here’s a shot from last Monday’s Easteregg hunt at the White House. The event was picketed byright-to-life groups who feel the egg should not betrifled with.

    Spokesman for the Lithuanian government responded thisweek to Soviet’s cutting eighty percent of theirheating oil supplies by saying, “Go ahead, cut off ourheating oil. It’s almost summer, you pinhead! …Yeah, next winter, why don’t you cut off our bathingsuit supplies?” … President Bush warned SovietPremier Gorbachev that if he continues the economiccutbacks in Lithuania, he would get an even strongerwarning. … A spokesman for the Soviet news agencyTass said the president was only bluffing.

    In Prague, Czechoslovakia yesterday, Parliamentapproved a new name for the Central European nation.It’ll be called the Czech and Slovak FederatedRepublic. It was the second name change in a month.The first one, roundly rejected, was The Pat SajakShow.

    [Photo of a Nikita Khrushchev look-alike] FormerSoviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev turned up this weekat a demonstration in Soviet Moldavia. Khrushchev, whodied in 1971, explained his reappearance by saying,”Well, Communism failed and hell froze over.”

    Dennis Miller: And now, once again, it’s timefor a new feature on Weekend Update, “News from TenFeet Away.” We go now to correspondent KevinNealon.

    [Cut to Kevin Nealon standing in the audience ten feetaway, wearing a trench coat and speaking into acordless microphone. Dennis, sitting at the WeekendUpdate desk, is visible in the background. SUPER: LIVE/ KEVIN NEALON / TEN FEET AWAY]

    Kevin Nealon: Dennis, once again, I’m standinghere, ten feet away from you and the Weekend Updatedesk. … And, once again, there are some lights andtelevision equipment here as if there’s a show beingperformed. … And there seems to be a crowd gathered.[cheers and applause] Apparently, a rambunctious crowdand – and they’re here to watch something. It – it’san almost eerie similarity to the last time I reportedto you from ten feet away, Dennis. …

    Dennis Miller: And what’s the mood over therethis time, Kevin?

    Kevin Nealon: Well, once again, the mood is,uh, uh, festive. [cheers and applause] It’s a mood ofanticipation, uh, I would say mostly anticipation,Dennis. The people here seem to be waiting forsomething. … Almost as if they’re ready to beentertained and yet — they’re not being entertained…. Not in any way, shape or form. … And now, from afair portion of the audience, I’m sensing a glint ofrecognition, mixed with absolute disbelief. As ifthey’re watching something that they had seen beforeand that they never in their wildest imaginationthought they would ever have to sit through again. …[cheers, Kevin clears his throat] And now, I’m – I’mseeing some faces, uh, looking in my direction,Dennis, and I’m sensing a feeling of pity. … Pityand tolerance, almost as if they’re watching someonewho does not appear on the show very often. … [crowdsays: “Awwwwwww!”] Someone who is being allowed tomake a token appearance, being thrown a bone, if youwill. Pure pity, Dennis. Pure pity. … And now I cantell the mood is shifting again, Dennis. … This timeto – to boredom. … Boredom and indifference. Afeeling of “That’s his problem, we came here to beentertained. Why don’t they get on with the realshow?” All this just ten feet away, Dennis. And now,within my field of vision, I see a man with a headset.He’s giving me a slashing “cut” gesture with his hand.Uh, almost as if he’s being directed to cut short aroutine, if you will, that is not working and shouldbe stopped. … Uh, a routine that was put on withoutanyone’s authorization or approval. Now, that same manis throwing his headset down, Dennis, almost as if hecan’t get through to someone who is very stupid orself-absorbed. … He seems to be very irate. I can’tgive you a full report as I’m only ten feet away. Oh,but, now he’s coming a little closer– Yes, he doesappear to be a little – a little ex– [A hammer swingsinto view conking Kevin on the head, he falls to thestudio floor and sprawls there unconscious, cheers andapplause as we cut back to Dennis at the desk]

    Dennis Miller: I sense the report isover.

    New York won the title of Number One Crime Capital inthe United States this week. Detroit, after demandinga recount, will finally be giving their concessionspeech later this week. … Statistics in the BigApple show that there is at least one stick-up everysix minutes. For those of you visiting the big city,do not fear — if you fail to get mugged within thesix minute time period, you’ll get your pizzafree.

    [Photo of President Bush with two people in largeEaster bunny costumes, a male and a female] PresidentBush met with Arizona senator Bruce Babbitt and hiswife this week.

    And the new movie Ernest Goes to Jail grossed fifteenmillion dollars in its first two weeks. Fifteenmillion dollars. [An old song by the Doors plays withJim Morrison singing: “This is the end, beautifulfriend…” as the lighting turns dark red and Dennisgrows grim and peers into the camera shaking his headsadly:] The horror … the horror … [“This is theend…” Song ends, lights come up and Dennis returnsto normal] [Photo of students at a school dance] The SupremeCourt this week refused to overrule a decision by aMissouri court that prohibited dancing in the city ofPurdy, Missouri, saying it was up to the city to ruleon it. And, additionally, the Supreme Court made itillegal in Purdy to make this overly cool dancingface. [Closer shot of the same photo with one studentgrimacing horribly] [Photo of baseball umpire calling prostrate ballplayer out at home plate – it looks as if the umpirejust punched out the player] Umpire Mark Johnsonknocked out Milwaukee Brewer Rob Deer in the thirdinning of last night’s game. The umpire’s manager DonKing said that he will fight Don Mattingly sometimelater this summer.

    [Photo of singer-actress-activist Eartha Kitt] And,tomorrow, of course, is Eartha Day and … I couldn’tbe more excited. I – I’ve always been such a fan ofthis special lady’s work. …

    Dennis Miller: And now, a humble man whobreathes the very air of truth and insight, A. WhitneyBrown with the Big Picture. Welcome, Whitney. [cheersand applause for Whitney who shakes hands withDennis]

    A. Whitney Brown: Thank you, Dennis. Nice to behere. Thank you. Well, friends, tomorrow everybodywill be out planting trees to save the planet. Ofcourse, we’ll cut them all down again at Christmas but… it’s the thought that counts. Earth Day began in1970, right after we went to the moon. Why did we goto the moon? No one knows. … Maybe JFK wanted toimpress one of his secretaries. … Or maybe he justwanted to make Khrushchev look bad. Anyway, it was adream that he had and LBJ made it come true — on someland a friend of his owned in Houston. … It was anamazing feat. In fact, it was the greatest leap oflife since the amphibians hit the beach in thePaleozoic Era. But, you know, our egotism was revealedwith those eleven cruel words: “[That’s] one smallstep for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Like therest of the ecosystem didn’t even exist! No mention ofthe trees that made the oxygen that fired the rockets!No “thank you” to the cretaceous mollusks that laiddown the continents one stinking shell at a time –without a government contract, I might add. … Youknow, if I were another link of the food chain, I’dhave taken it as a deliberate snub. He could have atleast thrown a bone to the invertebrates who backed usup when we were a bunch of nobodies. … Actually, Idon’t think Neil Armstrong even wrote it himself. Itsounds more like Neil Diamond. … But, in the BigPicture, besides arrogance, the greatest threat to theenvironment is ignorance. For example, there aretwenty-five million illiterates in this country alone.Every day, vast numbers of them give directions atservice stations. … [cheers and applause] …wasting millions of gallons of gasoline. Thousandsmore of them defrost refrigerators with sharp objects…. Thereby releasing chloroflourocarbons into theatmosphere. Which is all the more reason to planttrees. Because they give us two most crucial elementsfor our survival: oxygen and books. And that, myfriends, is the Big Picture. [cheers and applause]

    Dennis Miller: Whitney Brown.

    By the way, numerous Earth Day celebrations areplanned for all over the world tomorrow — or is ittoday? [chuckles] You know, I’m so bad with EarthDays. Anyway– … In the event of rain, they willall be moved inside the core of the planet.

    And, in an effort to strengthen Deborah Norville’simage, the Today Show flew her to Nicaragua yesterdayto interview the incoming president Violeta Chamorro.Norville met with Mrs. Chamorro at the palace inManagua at 7:15 this evening and, as we understand it,as of 8 p.m., Deborah Norville is the new president ofNicaragua.

    [Photo of broadcast journalist Diane Sawyer and DonaldTrump’s mistress Marla Maples – the two blonde womenare near look-alikes so Dennis sings a parody of “ThePatty Duke Show” theme song:]Where Diane adores the minuet
    The Ballet Russe and crêpes suzette
    Hey, Marla loves the rock and roll
    Billionaire makes her lose control
    What a crazy pair

    The U.S.– [cheers and applause for Dennis’singing]

    The U.S. census was declared a failure by Democratsthis week after only sixty-five percent of allhouseholds chose to respond to the questionnaire. Butwhat’s the point of a census if they already have acomplete list of all U.S. residents to mail the censusto?

    You know, you might think the Ninja Turtles would bethe hottest toy item on the market right now but notso! It’s gotta be this new one — the New Kids on theChopping Block doll set. [Dennis pulls out a New Kidson the Block doll with its head in a guillotine -cheers and applause] Let’s see how it works. I’m notsure which one this is. I – I think it’s Michelangelo.But here’s how it works. [guillotine blade refuses tofall] Okay. … [Dennis puts the doll away and laughs]Replacement heads are sold separately.

    You know, the French government has declared war ontobacco, approving a law banning all cigaretteadvertising and announcing a fifteen percent increasein the price of tobacco products beginning next yearin France. You know, I was in Paris last year and thenicest thing anybody did to me was blow smoke in myface.

    [Photo of actor Richard Gere] Recent publicity for themovie Pretty Woman reveals that Richard Gere is now aBuddhist and also dating model Cindy Crawford. [Photoof model Cindy Crawford with her famous beauty mark]Gere said he converted to Buddhism about the same timehe met Cindy. [Photo of Buddhist artwork with the samebeauty mark]

    Guess what, folks? That’s the news and I – am…

    [Cheers and applause drown out Dennis final words aswe pull back and fade out.]

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Andrew Dice Clay: 05/12/90

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 15: Episode 19

    This free script provided by]]>

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:


    May 12th, 1990

    Andrew Dice Clay

    Spanic Boys

    Julee Cruise


    Rob Schneider
    It’s A Wonderful DiceSummary: Depressed by the negative publicity surrounding his upcoming hosting gig, Andrew “Dice” Clay wishes he had never been born, prompting Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) to show him what “Saturday Night Live” would be like without him.

    Recurring Characters: Mephistopheles, Frank Zappa.


    MontageNote: Nora Dunn is credited even though she willingly doesn’t appear in tonight’s episode.

    Andrew Dice Clay’s MonologueSummary: Andrew Dice Clay performs stand-up that employs his repository of “clean” jokes.


    Diceman Employment Agency

    TV Guide JeersRecurring Characters: Adolph Hitler.

    Cooking With the Anal-Rententive ChefSummary: Anal-retentive Gene (Phil Hartman) is joined in the kitchen by his mother (Jan Hooks).

    Recurring Characters: Anal-Retentive Gene.

    Spanic Boys perform “Keep On Walking”

    Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Annoying Man, Michael J. Fox.

    Dad, What’s Sex?Summary: Andrew Dice Clay stars in an Afterschol Special, in which he thoughtfully teaches his son (Mike Myers) about sex with the help of his own vernacular.


    WPLISummary: Tony Trailer.

    Jan Hooks’ Personal Protest

    Cool Mite

    Julee Cruise performs “Falling”

    Ridiculous BullSummary: Jake LaMotta (Andrew Dice Man) tells his brother Joey (Jon Lovitz) to smash large household appliances over his head.


    Kevin Nealon’s Personal ProtestSummary: Kevin Nealon protests Andrew Dice Clay’s hosting by only appearing in a small handful of sketches.



    SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

    SNL Transcripts: Andrew Dice Clay: 05/12/90: Ridiculous Bull

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 15: Episode 19

    Search Now: In Association with

    89s: Andrew Dice Clay / Spanic Boys, Julee Cruise

    Ridiculous Bull

    Jake La Motta…..Andrew Dice Clay
    Joey La Motta…..Jon Lovitz

    Announcer: And now, from the makers of “Raging Bull”, another episode of “Ridiculous Bull.”

    [ open on black-and-white setting: Jake La Matta sitting at the kitchen table with his back to the camera. Joey La Matta is standing. ]

    Jake La Motta: Joey. You make a good sandwich, Joey.

    Joey La Motta: [ pleased ] Thanks, Jake. [ steps over to the kitchen sink ]

    Jake La Motta: You make a good sandwich. Hey, Joey! You can clean up later. Come sit down, Joey. Come sit down, we got twenty minutes before the ball game. [ Joey sits ] You look really good, Joey, you know?

    Joey La Motta: Thanks, Jake!

    Jake La Motta: You know, Joey, can I ask you a favor?

    Joey La Motta: Yeah, sure.

    Jake La Motta: If I asked you a favor, you would do it, wouldn’t you?

    Joey La Motta: Yeah, sure, whattaya want?

    Jake La Motta: Alright, do me a favor, Joey. Hit me in the face.

    Joey La Motta: What?

    Jake La Motta: Hit me in the face, Joey.

    Joey La Motta: Come on, let’s go to the game.

    Jake La Motta: Joey, hit me in the face. I’m your older brother, I’m askin’ you to do something.

    Joey La Motta: Oh, come on, Jake! What’s it gonna prove?!

    Jake La Motta: What’s it gonna prove? Two things: I’m nuts, and you got a lifelong thing about gettin’ me down! Now hit me in the face!

    Joey La Motta: [ whining ] But I don’t wanna hit you in the face!

    Jake La Motta: Joey, hit me —

    [ Joey reaches across the table and punches Jake in the face ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder!

    [ Joey punches harder ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder!

    [ Joey punches harder ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder!

    [ Joey punches harder ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder!

    [ Joey punches harder ]

    Jake La Motta: You see, Joey? I’m still standin’!

    Joey La Motta: Alright, let’s go to the game —

    Jake La Motta: You see that, Joey? Alright, Joey, do me a favor, alright?

    Joey La Motta: What?

    Jake La Motta: Break the plate over my head, Joey. [ Joey looks more surprised than before ] Do me a favor, break the plate over my head.

    Joey La Motta: Oh, come on!

    Jake La Motta: Hit me with the plate! I’m askin’ ya, I’m your brother, Joey —

    Joey La Motta: But — [ he stands ]

    Jake La Motta: Hit me, Joey. Hit me with the plate!

    [ Joey smashes a plate over Jake’s head ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder, Joey!

    [ Joey smashes another plate over Jake’s head ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder!

    [ Joey smashes another plate over Jake’s head ]

    Jake La Motta: Pick up the glass, Joey!

    [ Joey smashes a glass over Jake’s head ]

    Jake La Motta: Pick up the glass!

    [ Joey smashes another glass over Jake’s head ]

    Jake La Motta: Pick up the glass, Joey!

    [ Joey smashes another glass over Jake’s head ]

    Jake La Motta: You see, Joey? [ he stands, as Joey hits one last glass across his head for good measure ] You see? I’m still standin’, Joey! [ walks away from Joey ]

    Joey La Motta: Yeah, okay.

    Jake La Motta: I’m still standin’, Joey! Do me a favor, Joey.

    Joey La Motta: What? [ more anxious than ever to leave for the game ]

    Jake La Motta: Pick up the bat, Joey.

    Joey La Motta: Wh-what?!

    Jake La Motta: Pick it up, Joey!

    Joey La Motta: [ picks up the bat ] You’re crazy!

    Jake La Motta: I’m crazy, huh?

    Joey La Motta: Come on, Jake!

    Jake La Motta: I’m crazy, right? Hit me with the bat!

    Joey La Motta: I don’t want to hit with the bat!! [ he his Jake with the bat anyway ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder!

    [ Joey hits Jake harder with the bat ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder!

    [ Joey hits Jake harder with the bat ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder!

    [ Joey hits Jake harder with the bat ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder!

    [ Joey hits Jake harder with the bat ]

    Jake La Motta: You see, Joey? Look at me, Joey, I’m still standin’! You’re never gonna get me down, Joey! You ain’t never gonna get me down, Joey!

    Joey La Motta: Come on!

    Jake La Motta: Joey, you’re my brother, right?

    Joey La Motta: Yeah.

    Jake La Motta: You want to do me a favor? Pick up the bowling ball, Joey.

    Joey La Motta: [ frustrated ] It’s ridiculous!

    Jake La Motta: Hit me with the bowling ball, Joey.

    Joey La Motta: But — come on, let’s go to the game!

    Jake La Motta: Pick it up or I’ll kill ya’, Joey! I’m tellin’ ya, you’re gonna make me snap, Joey! Hit me with the bowling ball!

    Joey La Motta: But, Jake, I really don’t — [ smashes the bowling ball on Jake’s head ]

    Jake La Motta: Smash my skull in, Joey!

    [ Joey smashes the bowling ball on Jake’s head ]

    Jake La Motta: Smash my skull in with the bowling ball!

    [ Joey smashes the bowling ball on Jake’s head ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder!

    [ Joey smashes the bowling ball harder on Jake’s head ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder!

    [ Joey smashes the bowling ball harder on Jake’s head ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder!

    [ Joey smashes the bowling ball harder on Jake’s head ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder!

    [ Joey smashes the bowling ball harder on Jake’s head ]

    Jake La Motta: You see, Joey! Look at me, Joey! I’m still standin’, huh?

    Joey La Motta: Can we go to the game now —

    Jake La Motta: Joey, pick up the sledgehammer, Joey!

    Joey La Motta: Oh, come on!

    Jake La Motta: Pick up the sledgehammer, Joey! I’m goin’ crazy, Joey!

    Joey La Motta: [ picks up the sledgehammer ] Jake, what’s it gonna prove?!

    Jake La Motta: Smash my skull in with the sledgehammer, Joey! I’m tellin’ ya – smash my skull in!

    Joey La Motta: I ain’t gonna do it!

    Jake La Motta: Smash — You ain’t gonna do it?

    Joey La Motta: I ain’t gonna do it!

    Jake La Motta: You ain’t gonna do it?

    Joey La Motta: I ain’t gonna do it!

    Jake La Motta: I’m your older brother, I’m tellin’ ya’ – smash my head in, Joey!

    [ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder!

    [ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder!

    [ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder!

    [ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder!

    [ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder!

    [ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder!

    [ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder!

    [ Joey swings the sledgehammer at Jake, hitting only his nose ]

    Jake La Motta: You see, that, Joey! You can’t even hit me no more! [ backs up a step ] [ Joey swings the sledgehammer at Jake, barely grazing his chest ]

    Jake La Motta: You missed me, Joey, you see what I’m sayin’!

    [ Jake smugly turns his back on Joey, who promptly takes the opportunity to smash the sledgehammer across the back of his head ]

    Jake La Motta: You see what I’m — heeyy, heeyy, Joey! Ohh, you’re crazy, now, huh?

    [ Joey swings the sledgehammer menacingly ]

    Jake La Motta: Joey, pick up the microwave, Joey!

    Joey La Motta: [ confused, puts down the sledgehammer ] Pick up the what?

    Jake La Motta: Pick up the microwave, I ask of you!

    Joey La Motta: Microwave?! It’s —

    Jake La Motta: Pick up the —

    Joey La Motta: [ exasperated ] It’s 1948!!

    Jake La Motta: I know it is, but we got a microwave! Pick it up, Joey!

    [ Joey relunctantly crosses over to the kitchen counter and picks up an anachronistically-challenged microwave ]

    Jake La Motta: [ hovers over of Joey ] Pick up the microwave.

    Joey La Motta: [ points the microwave at Jake ] Hey. You got a spot on your shirt.

    Jake La Motta: I got a spot on my shirt?

    Joey La Motta: Yeah.

    Jake La Motta: I got a spot on my shirt?

    Joey La Motta: Yeah, that’s right.

    [ as Jake looks down, Joey busts the microwave over Jake’s head. It takes two strikes, but Jake’s head passes right through the micrwoave, which crumbles around him ]

    Jake La Motta: You see, Joey!

    Joey La Motta: Jake!

    Jake La Motta: Look at me, Joey! I’m still standin’, Joey! [ Joey pushes the microwave remnants off Jake’s shoulders ] I’m still standin’, Joey, huh!

    Joey La Motta: I gotta go!

    Jake La Motta: You think you’re gonna get — you wanna go? You wanna go? You wanna do me a favor? Pick up the refridgerator, Joey.

    Joey La Motta: Aw, come on!

    Jake La Motta: Smash my skull in with the refridgerator, Joey!

    Joey La Motta: I’ll get a hernia!

    Jake La Motta: I’m your brother! I’m tellin’ ya’, Joey, I’m your brother!

    Joey La Motta: You’re nuts!

    Jake La Motta: Hit me with the refridgerator!

    [ Joey struggles to lift the heavy refridgerator ]

    Jake La Motta: Look at ya’! Look at ya’! look at you! [ Joey begins to raise the refridgerator off the ground ] Smash my head in with the refridgerator!

    Joey La Motta: I’m gonna kill you!!

    Jake La Motta: Go ahead! hit me with the refridgerator!

    [ Joey taps the side of the refridgerator across Jake’s head, as pots and pans fall from the top ]

    Jake La Motta: Come on, Joey!

    [ Joey taps the side of the refridgerator across Jake’s head again ]

    Jake La Motta: Harder! Harder!

    [ the refridgerator now splits open, and Jake passes right through it ]

    Jake La Motta: You see that, Joey! Look at me, Joey! Look at me! See! See, I’m still —

    Joey La Motta: Your cuts are openin’!

    Jake La Motta: My cuts — I love you, Joey! Get over here, you’re my brother! [ he hugs Joey ] Alright, you wanna go to the ball game? Huh?

    Joey La Motta: Yeah.

    Jake La Motta: You wanna go to the ball game?

    Joey La Motta: Can we go?

    Jake La Motta: Huh? You wanna go to the ball game?

    Joey La Motta: Let’s go.

    Jake La Motta: Alright.

    Joey La Motta: Don’t forget to shut the window!

    Jake La Motta: Alright.

    [ Jake turns to face the window, then stops and stares at it for an extended moment ]

    Joey La Motta: Are you comin’?

    Jake La Motta: Joey. Come here a minute.

    Joey La Motta: [ steps forward ] What do you want, Jake?

    Jake La Motta: You’re my brother, right?

    Joey La Motta: Yes.

    Jake La Motta: You do me a favor?

    Joey La Motta: Sure.

    Jake La Motta: Throw me out the window, Joey?

    Joey La Motta: [ exasperated ] What? What’s it gonna prove?!

    Jake La Motta: Two things: I’m nuts, and you got a lifelong thing about gettin’ me down. Now, t’row me out the window!

    Joey La Motta: But we’re on the first floor!

    Jake La Motta: We’re on the first floor, huh? [ wraps his arm around Joey ] Let’s go to the roof, Joey.You’re crazy!

    [ they exit the kitchen ] [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Andrew Dice Clay: 05/12/90: Dad, What’s Sex?

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 15: Episode 19

    Search Now: In Association with

    89s: Andrew Dice Clay / Spanic Boys, Julee Cruise

    Dad, What’s Sex?

    Dad…..Andrew Dice Clay
    Timmy…..Mike Myers
    Martin Stokely…..Phil Hartman

    [ open on title card ]

    Announcer: NBC is proud to present an Afterschool Special, with Andrew Dice Clay:

    [ dissolve to secodn title card ]

    “Dad, What’s Sex?”

    [ dissolve to exterior, suburban house, as Dad waters the lawn, holding the hose and nozzle in an abrupt phallic manner ] [ Timmy runs into scene and starts up the front steps ]

    Timmy: Hi, Dad.

    Dad: Hey, Timmy. Hey! Hold on. What’s that long look in your face, huh?

    Timmy: Oh, it’s nothing, Dad.

    Dad: [ puts the hose away ] Hey, come on. Come down here, you can talk to your old man. Siddown. [ they both sit on the steps ] What’s the matter?

    Timmy: Dad. What’s sex?

    Dad: [ a beat ] Well, what brings that up?

    Timmy: Well. The other kids at school were laugihng and giggling about it, like it was dirty. What is it?

    Dad: Well, let me tell ya’ something, Timmy – I don’t know why those kids are laughing. Because there’s nothin’ dirty about — there’s nothin’ more beautiful, more wholesome.. or more natural.. than poontang.

    Timmy: Really?

    Dad: Absolutely. You see.. Mother Nature has given Man a thing we – we refer to as the dong. He gave me one, and.. He gave you one.

    Timmy: Uh-huh?

    Dad: And, to women, he gave something.. called the honeypot.

    Timmy: But, why?

    Dad: Well, it’s because when a man and woman love each other very much, they wanna show it. And the way they do that is by.. strappin’ it on. You know what I mean?

    Timmy: [ confused ] I think so. Is that like what Scruffy does to my leg?

    Dad: Yeah. Only, not as often.

    Timmy: I don’t think I’m ever gonna have sex.

    Dad: Oh, I think one day you’ll really be wanting some poontang.

    Timmy: Well.. how will I know when I’m ready?

    Dad: Oh, you’ll know. Pretty son, you’ll be gettin’ some pubes. Next thing you know, you’ll pop a boinger or two, you know? And you’ll be thinkin’ about givin’ someone that nice baloney pony. You know what I’m sayin’?

    Timmy: [ shakes his head, smiling ] No way!

    Dad: Hey, look, look, look – Timmy, Timmy – come on, you’re my kid. Right? Don’t feel pressured into poontang. When you’re ready for poontang.. poontang will be ready for you.

    Timmy: It will?

    Dad: Oh, yeah. And, remember – you have to act responsibly with a chick, you know what I’m sayin’? You don’t want to knock her up. You don’t want to give her your real name. Your real address. Your real phone number. And always wear a raincoat on the fireman, if you know what I’m sayin’. Has this helped you at all?

    Timmy: Yeah! Thanks, Dad!

    Dad: That’s my boy. Anything else you wanna know?

    Timmy: Well, I did have one more question.

    Dad: [ motions his arms for the question to come pouring out ] Shoot.

    Timmy: [ smiles ] Do you think the Mets have a chance this year? [ laughs ]

    Dad: That’s my boy! Go do your homework.

    Timmy: Okay!

    [ Timmy runs into the house, as Dad retrieves his hose and begins to abruptly water the lawn again ] [ title card overlays ]

    Announcer: And now, in response to “Dad, What’s Sex?”, is Martin Stokely of Planned Parenthood.

    [ dissolve to Martin Stokely standing at center of screen ]

    Martin Stokely: Well, we at Planned Parenthood agree, more or less, with the message of Mr. Clay’s Afterschool Special, we take exception to the use of certain words or phrases. For instance, we object to the word.. dong. We feel that a more appropriate word is.. talleywhacker. Also, instead of honeypot.. possibly, a better phrase would have been.. the vertical smile. Or.. the silk igloo. And, is poontang really the proper way to describe.. nookie? We don’t think so. However, we do appreciate the fact that the word boinger was used correctly. Thank you, NBC.

    [ screen is overlapped with a page wipe, to reveal the Cheers ‘N’ Jeers page of TV Guide ] [ dissolve to close-up of a Cheers article on “Saturday Night Live”, with the summary: ]

    Announcer: “Cheers to Saturday Night Live for a skit in which a father thoughtfully explains sex to his son. Although we didn’t see the skit, we feel… wait a minute! We were tricked! ‘Jeers’ to Saturday Night Live! ‘Jeers’!”

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Andrew Dice Clay: 05/12/90: It’s A Wonderful Dice

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 15: Episode 19

    Search Now: In Association with

    89s: Andrew Dice Clay / Spanic Boys, Julee Cruise

    It’s A Wonderful Dice

    …..Andrew Dice Clay
    Mephistoles…..Jon LovitzFrank Zappa…..Dana Carvey

    [ open on title card, “The Pat Stevens Show” ]

    Announcer V/O: “The Pat Stevens Show” will not be seen tnight, so that we may bring you the following special presentation.

    [ dissolve to New York Times printing press in action, as the front page spins into view with the headline: “Andrew Dice Clay To Host S.N.L.” ] [ the front page for The Wall Street Journal spins over the first paper, with its own headline: “Nora Dunn & Sinead o’Connor Refuse To Perform” ] [ the front page for Daily News spins over the other two papers, with its headline: “Massive Public Protests Planned” ] [ finally, the front page for The New York Post spins over all the papers, with its headline: “The Diceman Disappears!” ] [ dissolve to Andrew Dice Clay standing at the top of a snow-covered bridge, crying to himself ]

    Andrew Dice Clay: Why’s this happening to me? all this fuss over one stinkin’ show! I never meant to hurt nobody! [ sobs ] Look at me! I’m cryin, like a – like a chick! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] That’s it! There’s no point in going on any more, the Diceman’s checkin’ out! [ throws one leg over the railing ]

    Voice: I wouldn’t do that, if I were you!

    [ Andrew Dice Clay looks around for the source of the mysterious voice, as Mephistopheles materializes into view, lughing maniacally ]

    Andrew Dice Clay: W-what are you supposed to be?

    Mephistopheles: I’m the Devil, Mr. Clay. Your guardian devil!

    Andrew Dice Clay: Hey, get outta my face, alright? [ the Devil laughs ] Can’t you see I wish I had never been born?

    Mephistopheles: You’ve got your wish, Diceman. You’ve never been born.

    Andrew Dice Clay: [ observes his unchanged surroundings ] Oh, yeah? I don’t feel no different.

    Mephistopheles: Well, you are. And so is the world. You don’t know it, but your absence has had far-reaching effects. Follow me. [ laughs maniacally without stopping, as the camera pans out ]

    Andrew Dice Clay: Just go! Go! GO!!

    [ together, they exit stage left ] [ dissolve to point-of-view camera movement throuh the snowy streets of New York City, filled with vagrants and homeless people moving about ]

    Andrew Dice Clay V/O: Let me ask you something – where are we going?

    Mephistoles V/O: You’ll see.

    Andrew Dice Clay V/O: Man. Look at all those homesless people. Did I have any affect on their lives?

    Mephistopheles V/O: No! [ to himself ] Idiot.

    [ dissolve to an upward shot of 30 Rockefeller Plaza ] [ dissolve to Andrew Dice Clay and Mephistoles in bluish tint, standing among the audience in Studio 8-H as a mustachioed man stands at Home Base delivering a monologue ]

    Mephistopheles: Here we are.

    Andrew Dice Clay: Where?

    Mephistopheles: Studio 8-H. Home of “Saturday Night Live.” This is the show you were supposed to host! But, because you were never born Frank Zappa was booked instead!

    Andrew Dice Clay: Oh, my God!

    Mephistopheles: Tell me about it. [ they begin walking toward Home Base ] Zappa went on an anti-censorship rant.. for about seventy minutes!

    Frank Zappa: — the Thought Police in Washington watching us on their telescreens! Big Brother Bush and his Assistant Reich Marshall Tipper will indubitably prevail! And freedom of speech will go the way of 8-track tapes! [ his lips continue to move, but his voice is silent ]

    Mephistopheles: The ratings plummeted. And led to the immediate cancellation of the show.

    Andrew Dice Clay: That’s horrible!

    Mephistopheles: That’s not the worst of it. [ leads Andrew Dice Clay to the musical guest’s stage ] Behold!

    [ Mephistopheles points to an amp lying on top of a pair of women’s legs ]

    Andrew Dice Clay: What is that?

    Mephistopheles: That.. is Nora Dunn. [ the audience hoots and hollars, as Mephistopheles cackles maniacally ] Because you were never born, she was here that night, and was accidentaly crushed by Sinead O’Connor’s amplifier. [ audience cheers ]

    Andrew Dice Clay: That’s awful!

    Mephistopheles: O’Connor felt so terrible.. she never sang again.

    Andrew Dice Clay: Hey, that’s too bad – she was a cute bald chuick. [ takes a drag from his cigarette ] so, what else? What else? Did anything else happen because I didn’t live?

    Mephistopheles: [ thinking ] Yes! Because your fans had their evening free, they were able to graduate high school. [ cackles ]

    Andrew Dice Clay: That’s bad, I’m tellin’ ya’. What a waste! But, tell me, Devil – what happened to my film? “The Adventures of Ford Fairlane”, which opens on — [ squints at cue card ] What does that say? [ reads ] “Opens on July 6th, 1990.”

    Mephistopheles: It did open. It was a smash hit. It launched the career of the most brilliant comedic actor of his generation – Jon lovitz! [ laughs with glee ]

    Andrew Dice Clay: Jon Lovitz?!

    Mephistopheles: Yeah.

    Andrew Dice Clay: You mean, that Liar guy?!

    Mephistopheles: [ frowns ] It wasn’t his only character!

    Andrew Dice Clay: Hey, look – I can’t allow that to happen. You know what I mean? Take me back, Devil! I want to live! I want to live! OH!! I want to live! [ takes a big drag from his cigarette ]

    Mephistopheles: Very well, Diceman. I grant you your wish.

    [ camera zooms on Mephistopheles ]

    Mephistopheles: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiight!!!”

    SNL Transcripts