SNL Transcripts: Andrew Dice Clay: 05/12/90



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 19


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 12th, 1990

Andrew Dice Clay

Spanic Boys

Julee Cruise

None

Rob Schneider
It’s A Wonderful DiceSummary: Depressed by the negative publicity surrounding his upcoming hosting gig, Andrew “Dice” Clay wishes he had never been born, prompting Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) to show him what “Saturday Night Live” would be like without him.

Recurring Characters: Mephistopheles, Frank Zappa.

Transcript

MontageNote: Nora Dunn is credited even though she willingly doesn’t appear in tonight’s episode.

Andrew Dice Clay’s MonologueSummary: Andrew Dice Clay performs stand-up that employs his repository of “clean” jokes.

Transcript

Diceman Employment Agency

TV Guide JeersRecurring Characters: Adolph Hitler.

Cooking With the Anal-Rententive ChefSummary: Anal-retentive Gene (Phil Hartman) is joined in the kitchen by his mother (Jan Hooks).

Recurring Characters: Anal-Retentive Gene.

Spanic Boys perform “Keep On Walking”

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Annoying Man, Michael J. Fox.

Dad, What’s Sex?Summary: Andrew Dice Clay stars in an Afterschol Special, in which he thoughtfully teaches his son (Mike Myers) about sex with the help of his own vernacular.

Transcript

WPLISummary: Tony Trailer.

Jan Hooks’ Personal Protest

Cool Mite

Julee Cruise performs “Falling”

Ridiculous BullSummary: Jake LaMotta (Andrew Dice Man) tells his brother Joey (Jon Lovitz) to smash large household appliances over his head.

Transcript

Kevin Nealon’s Personal ProtestSummary: Kevin Nealon protests Andrew Dice Clay’s hosting by only appearing in a small handful of sketches.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Andrew Dice Clay: 05/12/90: Ridiculous Bull



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 19




Search Now: In Association with Amazon.com


89s: Andrew Dice Clay / Spanic Boys, Julee Cruise

Ridiculous Bull

Jake La Motta…..Andrew Dice Clay
Joey La Motta…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: And now, from the makers of “Raging Bull”, another episode of “Ridiculous Bull.”

[ open on black-and-white setting: Jake La Matta sitting at the kitchen table with his back to the camera. Joey La Matta is standing. ]

Jake La Motta: Joey. You make a good sandwich, Joey.

Joey La Motta: [ pleased ] Thanks, Jake. [ steps over to the kitchen sink ]

Jake La Motta: You make a good sandwich. Hey, Joey! You can clean up later. Come sit down, Joey. Come sit down, we got twenty minutes before the ball game. [ Joey sits ] You look really good, Joey, you know?

Joey La Motta: Thanks, Jake!

Jake La Motta: You know, Joey, can I ask you a favor?

Joey La Motta: Yeah, sure.

Jake La Motta: If I asked you a favor, you would do it, wouldn’t you?

Joey La Motta: Yeah, sure, whattaya want?

Jake La Motta: Alright, do me a favor, Joey. Hit me in the face.

Joey La Motta: What?

Jake La Motta: Hit me in the face, Joey.

Joey La Motta: Come on, let’s go to the game.

Jake La Motta: Joey, hit me in the face. I’m your older brother, I’m askin’ you to do something.

Joey La Motta: Oh, come on, Jake! What’s it gonna prove?!

Jake La Motta: What’s it gonna prove? Two things: I’m nuts, and you got a lifelong thing about gettin’ me down! Now hit me in the face!

Joey La Motta: [ whining ] But I don’t wanna hit you in the face!

Jake La Motta: Joey, hit me —

[ Joey reaches across the table and punches Jake in the face ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey punches harder ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey punches harder ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey punches harder ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey punches harder ]

Jake La Motta: You see, Joey? I’m still standin’!

Joey La Motta: Alright, let’s go to the game —

Jake La Motta: You see that, Joey? Alright, Joey, do me a favor, alright?

Joey La Motta: What?

Jake La Motta: Break the plate over my head, Joey. [ Joey looks more surprised than before ] Do me a favor, break the plate over my head.

Joey La Motta: Oh, come on!

Jake La Motta: Hit me with the plate! I’m askin’ ya, I’m your brother, Joey —

Joey La Motta: But — [ he stands ]

Jake La Motta: Hit me, Joey. Hit me with the plate!

[ Joey smashes a plate over Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder, Joey!

[ Joey smashes another plate over Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey smashes another plate over Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Pick up the glass, Joey!

[ Joey smashes a glass over Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Pick up the glass!

[ Joey smashes another glass over Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Pick up the glass, Joey!

[ Joey smashes another glass over Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: You see, Joey? [ he stands, as Joey hits one last glass across his head for good measure ] You see? I’m still standin’, Joey! [ walks away from Joey ]

Joey La Motta: Yeah, okay.

Jake La Motta: I’m still standin’, Joey! Do me a favor, Joey.

Joey La Motta: What? [ more anxious than ever to leave for the game ]

Jake La Motta: Pick up the bat, Joey.

Joey La Motta: Wh-what?!

Jake La Motta: Pick it up, Joey!

Joey La Motta: [ picks up the bat ] You’re crazy!

Jake La Motta: I’m crazy, huh?

Joey La Motta: Come on, Jake!

Jake La Motta: I’m crazy, right? Hit me with the bat!

Joey La Motta: I don’t want to hit with the bat!! [ he his Jake with the bat anyway ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey hits Jake harder with the bat ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey hits Jake harder with the bat ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey hits Jake harder with the bat ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey hits Jake harder with the bat ]

Jake La Motta: You see, Joey? Look at me, Joey, I’m still standin’! You’re never gonna get me down, Joey! You ain’t never gonna get me down, Joey!

Joey La Motta: Come on!

Jake La Motta: Joey, you’re my brother, right?

Joey La Motta: Yeah.

Jake La Motta: You want to do me a favor? Pick up the bowling ball, Joey.

Joey La Motta: [ frustrated ] It’s ridiculous!

Jake La Motta: Hit me with the bowling ball, Joey.

Joey La Motta: But — come on, let’s go to the game!

Jake La Motta: Pick it up or I’ll kill ya’, Joey! I’m tellin’ ya, you’re gonna make me snap, Joey! Hit me with the bowling ball!

Joey La Motta: But, Jake, I really don’t — [ smashes the bowling ball on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Smash my skull in, Joey!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Smash my skull in with the bowling ball!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball harder on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball harder on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball harder on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball harder on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: You see, Joey! Look at me, Joey! I’m still standin’, huh?

Joey La Motta: Can we go to the game now —

Jake La Motta: Joey, pick up the sledgehammer, Joey!

Joey La Motta: Oh, come on!

Jake La Motta: Pick up the sledgehammer, Joey! I’m goin’ crazy, Joey!

Joey La Motta: [ picks up the sledgehammer ] Jake, what’s it gonna prove?!

Jake La Motta: Smash my skull in with the sledgehammer, Joey! I’m tellin’ ya – smash my skull in!

Joey La Motta: I ain’t gonna do it!

Jake La Motta: Smash — You ain’t gonna do it?

Joey La Motta: I ain’t gonna do it!

Jake La Motta: You ain’t gonna do it?

Joey La Motta: I ain’t gonna do it!

Jake La Motta: I’m your older brother, I’m tellin’ ya’ – smash my head in, Joey!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer at Jake, hitting only his nose ]

Jake La Motta: You see, that, Joey! You can’t even hit me no more! [ backs up a step ] [ Joey swings the sledgehammer at Jake, barely grazing his chest ]

Jake La Motta: You missed me, Joey, you see what I’m sayin’!

[ Jake smugly turns his back on Joey, who promptly takes the opportunity to smash the sledgehammer across the back of his head ]

Jake La Motta: You see what I’m — heeyy, heeyy, Joey! Ohh, you’re crazy, now, huh?

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer menacingly ]

Jake La Motta: Joey, pick up the microwave, Joey!

Joey La Motta: [ confused, puts down the sledgehammer ] Pick up the what?

Jake La Motta: Pick up the microwave, I ask of you!

Joey La Motta: Microwave?! It’s —

Jake La Motta: Pick up the —

Joey La Motta: [ exasperated ] It’s 1948!!

Jake La Motta: I know it is, but we got a microwave! Pick it up, Joey!

[ Joey relunctantly crosses over to the kitchen counter and picks up an anachronistically-challenged microwave ]

Jake La Motta: [ hovers over of Joey ] Pick up the microwave.

Joey La Motta: [ points the microwave at Jake ] Hey. You got a spot on your shirt.

Jake La Motta: I got a spot on my shirt?

Joey La Motta: Yeah.

Jake La Motta: I got a spot on my shirt?

Joey La Motta: Yeah, that’s right.

[ as Jake looks down, Joey busts the microwave over Jake’s head. It takes two strikes, but Jake’s head passes right through the micrwoave, which crumbles around him ]

Jake La Motta: You see, Joey!

Joey La Motta: Jake!

Jake La Motta: Look at me, Joey! I’m still standin’, Joey! [ Joey pushes the microwave remnants off Jake’s shoulders ] I’m still standin’, Joey, huh!

Joey La Motta: I gotta go!

Jake La Motta: You think you’re gonna get — you wanna go? You wanna go? You wanna do me a favor? Pick up the refridgerator, Joey.

Joey La Motta: Aw, come on!

Jake La Motta: Smash my skull in with the refridgerator, Joey!

Joey La Motta: I’ll get a hernia!

Jake La Motta: I’m your brother! I’m tellin’ ya’, Joey, I’m your brother!

Joey La Motta: You’re nuts!

Jake La Motta: Hit me with the refridgerator!

[ Joey struggles to lift the heavy refridgerator ]

Jake La Motta: Look at ya’! Look at ya’! look at you! [ Joey begins to raise the refridgerator off the ground ] Smash my head in with the refridgerator!

Joey La Motta: I’m gonna kill you!!

Jake La Motta: Go ahead! hit me with the refridgerator!

[ Joey taps the side of the refridgerator across Jake’s head, as pots and pans fall from the top ]

Jake La Motta: Come on, Joey!

[ Joey taps the side of the refridgerator across Jake’s head again ]

Jake La Motta: Harder! Harder!

[ the refridgerator now splits open, and Jake passes right through it ]

Jake La Motta: You see that, Joey! Look at me, Joey! Look at me! See! See, I’m still —

Joey La Motta: Your cuts are openin’!

Jake La Motta: My cuts — I love you, Joey! Get over here, you’re my brother! [ he hugs Joey ] Alright, you wanna go to the ball game? Huh?

Joey La Motta: Yeah.

Jake La Motta: You wanna go to the ball game?

Joey La Motta: Can we go?

Jake La Motta: Huh? You wanna go to the ball game?

Joey La Motta: Let’s go.

Jake La Motta: Alright.

Joey La Motta: Don’t forget to shut the window!

Jake La Motta: Alright.

[ Jake turns to face the window, then stops and stares at it for an extended moment ]

Joey La Motta: Are you comin’?

Jake La Motta: Joey. Come here a minute.

Joey La Motta: [ steps forward ] What do you want, Jake?

Jake La Motta: You’re my brother, right?

Joey La Motta: Yes.

Jake La Motta: You do me a favor?

Joey La Motta: Sure.

Jake La Motta: Throw me out the window, Joey?

Joey La Motta: [ exasperated ] What? What’s it gonna prove?!

Jake La Motta: Two things: I’m nuts, and you got a lifelong thing about gettin’ me down. Now, t’row me out the window!

Joey La Motta: But we’re on the first floor!

Jake La Motta: We’re on the first floor, huh? [ wraps his arm around Joey ] Let’s go to the roof, Joey.You’re crazy!

[ they exit the kitchen ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andrew Dice Clay: 05/12/90: Dad, What’s Sex?



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 19








Search Now: In Association with Amazon.com


89s: Andrew Dice Clay / Spanic Boys, Julee Cruise

Dad, What’s Sex?

Dad…..Andrew Dice Clay
Timmy…..Mike Myers
Martin Stokely…..Phil Hartman

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: NBC is proud to present an Afterschool Special, with Andrew Dice Clay:

[ dissolve to secodn title card ]

“Dad, What’s Sex?”

[ dissolve to exterior, suburban house, as Dad waters the lawn, holding the hose and nozzle in an abrupt phallic manner ] [ Timmy runs into scene and starts up the front steps ]

Timmy: Hi, Dad.

Dad: Hey, Timmy. Hey! Hold on. What’s that long look in your face, huh?

Timmy: Oh, it’s nothing, Dad.

Dad: [ puts the hose away ] Hey, come on. Come down here, you can talk to your old man. Siddown. [ they both sit on the steps ] What’s the matter?

Timmy: Dad. What’s sex?

Dad: [ a beat ] Well, what brings that up?

Timmy: Well. The other kids at school were laugihng and giggling about it, like it was dirty. What is it?

Dad: Well, let me tell ya’ something, Timmy – I don’t know why those kids are laughing. Because there’s nothin’ dirty about — there’s nothin’ more beautiful, more wholesome.. or more natural.. than poontang.

Timmy: Really?

Dad: Absolutely. You see.. Mother Nature has given Man a thing we – we refer to as the dong. He gave me one, and.. He gave you one.

Timmy: Uh-huh?

Dad: And, to women, he gave something.. called the honeypot.

Timmy: But, why?

Dad: Well, it’s because when a man and woman love each other very much, they wanna show it. And the way they do that is by.. strappin’ it on. You know what I mean?

Timmy: [ confused ] I think so. Is that like what Scruffy does to my leg?

Dad: Yeah. Only, not as often.

Timmy: I don’t think I’m ever gonna have sex.

Dad: Oh, I think one day you’ll really be wanting some poontang.

Timmy: Well.. how will I know when I’m ready?

Dad: Oh, you’ll know. Pretty son, you’ll be gettin’ some pubes. Next thing you know, you’ll pop a boinger or two, you know? And you’ll be thinkin’ about givin’ someone that nice baloney pony. You know what I’m sayin’?

Timmy: [ shakes his head, smiling ] No way!

Dad: Hey, look, look, look – Timmy, Timmy – come on, you’re my kid. Right? Don’t feel pressured into poontang. When you’re ready for poontang.. poontang will be ready for you.

Timmy: It will?

Dad: Oh, yeah. And, remember – you have to act responsibly with a chick, you know what I’m sayin’? You don’t want to knock her up. You don’t want to give her your real name. Your real address. Your real phone number. And always wear a raincoat on the fireman, if you know what I’m sayin’. Has this helped you at all?

Timmy: Yeah! Thanks, Dad!

Dad: That’s my boy. Anything else you wanna know?

Timmy: Well, I did have one more question.

Dad: [ motions his arms for the question to come pouring out ] Shoot.

Timmy: [ smiles ] Do you think the Mets have a chance this year? [ laughs ]

Dad: That’s my boy! Go do your homework.

Timmy: Okay!

[ Timmy runs into the house, as Dad retrieves his hose and begins to abruptly water the lawn again ] [ title card overlays ]

Announcer: And now, in response to “Dad, What’s Sex?”, is Martin Stokely of Planned Parenthood.

[ dissolve to Martin Stokely standing at center of screen ]

Martin Stokely: Well, we at Planned Parenthood agree, more or less, with the message of Mr. Clay’s Afterschool Special, we take exception to the use of certain words or phrases. For instance, we object to the word.. dong. We feel that a more appropriate word is.. talleywhacker. Also, instead of honeypot.. possibly, a better phrase would have been.. the vertical smile. Or.. the silk igloo. And, is poontang really the proper way to describe.. nookie? We don’t think so. However, we do appreciate the fact that the word boinger was used correctly. Thank you, NBC.

[ screen is overlapped with a page wipe, to reveal the Cheers ‘N’ Jeers page of TV Guide ] [ dissolve to close-up of a Cheers article on “Saturday Night Live”, with the summary: ]

Announcer: “Cheers to Saturday Night Live for a skit in which a father thoughtfully explains sex to his son. Although we didn’t see the skit, we feel… wait a minute! We were tricked! ‘Jeers’ to Saturday Night Live! ‘Jeers’!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andrew Dice Clay: 05/12/90: It’s A Wonderful Dice



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 19






Search Now: In Association with Amazon.com


89s: Andrew Dice Clay / Spanic Boys, Julee Cruise

It’s A Wonderful Dice

…..Andrew Dice Clay
Mephistoles…..Jon LovitzFrank Zappa…..Dana Carvey

[ open on title card, “The Pat Stevens Show” ]

Announcer V/O: “The Pat Stevens Show” will not be seen tnight, so that we may bring you the following special presentation.

[ dissolve to New York Times printing press in action, as the front page spins into view with the headline: “Andrew Dice Clay To Host S.N.L.” ] [ the front page for The Wall Street Journal spins over the first paper, with its own headline: “Nora Dunn & Sinead o’Connor Refuse To Perform” ] [ the front page for Daily News spins over the other two papers, with its headline: “Massive Public Protests Planned” ] [ finally, the front page for The New York Post spins over all the papers, with its headline: “The Diceman Disappears!” ] [ dissolve to Andrew Dice Clay standing at the top of a snow-covered bridge, crying to himself ]

Andrew Dice Clay: Why’s this happening to me? all this fuss over one stinkin’ show! I never meant to hurt nobody! [ sobs ] Look at me! I’m cryin, like a – like a chick! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] That’s it! There’s no point in going on any more, the Diceman’s checkin’ out! [ throws one leg over the railing ]

Voice: I wouldn’t do that, if I were you!

[ Andrew Dice Clay looks around for the source of the mysterious voice, as Mephistopheles materializes into view, lughing maniacally ]

Andrew Dice Clay: W-what are you supposed to be?

Mephistopheles: I’m the Devil, Mr. Clay. Your guardian devil!

Andrew Dice Clay: Hey, get outta my face, alright? [ the Devil laughs ] Can’t you see I wish I had never been born?

Mephistopheles: You’ve got your wish, Diceman. You’ve never been born.

Andrew Dice Clay: [ observes his unchanged surroundings ] Oh, yeah? I don’t feel no different.

Mephistopheles: Well, you are. And so is the world. You don’t know it, but your absence has had far-reaching effects. Follow me. [ laughs maniacally without stopping, as the camera pans out ]

Andrew Dice Clay: Just go! Go! GO!!

[ together, they exit stage left ] [ dissolve to point-of-view camera movement throuh the snowy streets of New York City, filled with vagrants and homeless people moving about ]

Andrew Dice Clay V/O: Let me ask you something – where are we going?

Mephistoles V/O: You’ll see.

Andrew Dice Clay V/O: Man. Look at all those homesless people. Did I have any affect on their lives?

Mephistopheles V/O: No! [ to himself ] Idiot.

[ dissolve to an upward shot of 30 Rockefeller Plaza ] [ dissolve to Andrew Dice Clay and Mephistoles in bluish tint, standing among the audience in Studio 8-H as a mustachioed man stands at Home Base delivering a monologue ]

Mephistopheles: Here we are.

Andrew Dice Clay: Where?

Mephistopheles: Studio 8-H. Home of “Saturday Night Live.” This is the show you were supposed to host! But, because you were never born Frank Zappa was booked instead!

Andrew Dice Clay: Oh, my God!

Mephistopheles: Tell me about it. [ they begin walking toward Home Base ] Zappa went on an anti-censorship rant.. for about seventy minutes!

Frank Zappa: — the Thought Police in Washington watching us on their telescreens! Big Brother Bush and his Assistant Reich Marshall Tipper will indubitably prevail! And freedom of speech will go the way of 8-track tapes! [ his lips continue to move, but his voice is silent ]

Mephistopheles: The ratings plummeted. And led to the immediate cancellation of the show.

Andrew Dice Clay: That’s horrible!

Mephistopheles: That’s not the worst of it. [ leads Andrew Dice Clay to the musical guest’s stage ] Behold!

[ Mephistopheles points to an amp lying on top of a pair of women’s legs ]

Andrew Dice Clay: What is that?

Mephistopheles: That.. is Nora Dunn. [ the audience hoots and hollars, as Mephistopheles cackles maniacally ] Because you were never born, she was here that night, and was accidentaly crushed by Sinead O’Connor’s amplifier. [ audience cheers ]

Andrew Dice Clay: That’s awful!

Mephistopheles: O’Connor felt so terrible.. she never sang again.

Andrew Dice Clay: Hey, that’s too bad – she was a cute bald chuick. [ takes a drag from his cigarette ] so, what else? What else? Did anything else happen because I didn’t live?

Mephistopheles: [ thinking ] Yes! Because your fans had their evening free, they were able to graduate high school. [ cackles ]

Andrew Dice Clay: That’s bad, I’m tellin’ ya’. What a waste! But, tell me, Devil – what happened to my film? “The Adventures of Ford Fairlane”, which opens on — [ squints at cue card ] What does that say? [ reads ] “Opens on July 6th, 1990.”

Mephistopheles: It did open. It was a smash hit. It launched the career of the most brilliant comedic actor of his generation – Jon lovitz! [ laughs with glee ]

Andrew Dice Clay: Jon Lovitz?!

Mephistopheles: Yeah.

Andrew Dice Clay: You mean, that Liar guy?!

Mephistopheles: [ frowns ] It wasn’t his only character!

Andrew Dice Clay: Hey, look – I can’t allow that to happen. You know what I mean? Take me back, Devil! I want to live! I want to live! OH!! I want to live! [ takes a big drag from his cigarette ]

Mephistopheles: Very well, Diceman. I grant you your wish.

[ camera zooms on Mephistopheles ]

Mephistopheles: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiight!!!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andrew Dice Clay: 05/12/90: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 19




Search Now: In Association with Amazon.com


89s: Andrew Dice Clay / Spanic Boys, Julee Cruise

Goodnights

…..Andrew Dice Clay

Andrew Dice Clay: I’d like to thank The Spanic Boys! Julee Cruise! The cast of “Saturday Night Live”! Did ya’ have a great time?! [ audience cheers and screams ] Alright! And I want to say “Happy Mother’s Day!” to my mother, and every other mother out there! Take care! [ pulls his jacket collar up ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andrew Dice Clay: 05/12/90: Andrew Dice Clay’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 19




Search Now: In Association with Amazon.com


89s: Andrew Dice Clay / Spanic Boys, Julee Cruise

Andrew Dice Clay’s Monologue

…..Andrew Dice Clay

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Andrew Dice Clay!

Andrew Dice Clay: [ enters, taking more drags from his cigarette ] Alright!! [ takes another big drag from his cigarette ] HOW ARE YA’?!! It’s about all I can say tonight, you know what I’m sayin’?! [ audience laughs ] HOW ARE YA’?!! [ audience cheers, as he drags on his cigarette ] Alright, so I see we’re buggin’ a few people, aughh!! [ drags from his cigarette ]

Now.. I know a lot of you people might recognize this jacket. [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] The only other time I ever wore this jacket was on my.. one appearance on M-TV last year. [ audience cheers ] But don’t worry – I won’t curse! I mean that. I don’t need it no more. You know what I mean? I got enough PR this week. And I think the only thing I can do to top it is to take my penis and wrap it around the microphone stand! [ takes another drag from his cigarette ]

Yeah!

But I ain’t gonna do that! I don’t believe in that, I never did! [ audience awwws ] Know what I mean? [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] But I know, you know, they made me out to be a bad guy. sometimes I feel like Al Pacino in “Scarface.” You know what I’m sayin’? You know the scene I’m talkin’ about – he’s at the dinner table, and he’s sittin’ there like.. “That’s right! Look at me, you piece of gint! I’m the bad guy, right!” Wrong!! THAT’S why I’m here! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] And we got a good-looking crowd, and we got some good-looking chicks here in the audience. [ glances at a chick in the audience ] How are ya’, honey? Nice to have ya’. [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] You live alone? OH!

Let’s see – I am gonna keep it clean, ’cause I have other talents, other than a foul mouth, even though I know how to make it rhyme so beautiful. [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] You know what I mean? I mean, even comin’ down here tonight – you know, situations happen that aren’t that dirty. It’s like, I’m walkin’ down to the studio today, right? And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this mugger comes out of an alley with a knife. Right? Adn he goes, “Hey! Give me your wallet!” I’m going, “Whoa-ho, whoa! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] What kind of an attitude is that? That’s how you ask me for something?” I go, “Number One: I don’t carry a wallet. I never did, I don’t believe in them, you know what I mean? [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] But I carry a gun. Now, give me your wallet!” [ takes another drag on his cigarette, as the audience laughs ] So, then we’re walkin’ down here together. [ takes another drag on his cigarette ]

You see, I get along with people. I-I do a lot of great things. I just bought this fish tank. You know what I mean? I don’t like fish; I like the tanks! So, I, uh – so I put my dog in it! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] Hey, I got a lot of clean jokes! I just forget ’em all the time. [ audience laughs ] You know what I’m sayin’? That’s what I’m sayin’! I don’t know! [ glances into the audience ] But, look – he’s thinkin’ about that. [ to the man ] Think about it for fifteen minutes. Take an hour. Back! Get it?! Hour BACK!! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] I’ll call you back in an hour, I’m BACK!! [ makes a moaning and groaning noise as he takes another drag on his cigarette ] You’re laughin’ and you don’t even know what you’re laughin’ about! It’s ’cause I’m funny, stu-peed! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] I don’t have to tell jokes – I could just keep sayin’, “I’ll call you in an hour – I’M BACK!! Get it?!” And you’d keep laughing! You know why? You’re a moron! [ takes another drag from his cigarette ]

But, no – you’re living with this girl now? Things are good?

[ cut to guy in the audience ]

Guy in Audience: Yeah.

Andrew Dice Clay: Yeah? Married?

[ Guy in audience shakes his head yes ]

Andrew Dice Clay: You’re gettin’ married? [ chuckles ] No, it don’t make – so you won’t have any money in a few years. You know what I mean? But the wedding’s beautiful, you know? [ takes another drag from his cigarette ] I like that part in the wedding where you take the garter belt off, and everybody’s lookin’ like you never seen her skin, and they’re goin’, “Whoo-hoo-hoooo!” Right? [ winks lasciviously ] Yeah, sure, right? [ takes another drag on his cigarette ] She’s pure as silk – that’s why they wear the white dress, you know? They’re in the white dress, and – like – like, they’re pure! Right? Like there isn’t a guy sittin’ in the back of the chapel goin’, “White dress? I had this bitch when she was fifteen!

[ the guy in the audience laughs again ]

Alright. Well, we’re gonna give you a great show tonight. You’re gonna have a great time, and I’m gonna be unbelievable like always! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andrew Dice Clay: 05/12/90: Kevin Nealon’s Personal Protest



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 19


89s: Andrew Dice Clay / Spanic Boys, Julee Cruise

Kevin Nealon’s Personal Protest

…..Kevin Nealon

Kevin Nealon: Hi, I’m Kevin Nealon. Earlier you heard from my fellow cast member, Jan Hooks about her objection to Andrew Dice Clay hosting tonight’s show. Well her form of protest, walking through sketches is uh, certainly valid. I’ve chosen a different means of expressing my outrage. Tonight, I am refusing to appear in all but three sketches. I feel that by doing only three sketches, and really scoring in those three, I would make more of a statement than by appearing in 6 or 7 sketches in small supporting roles. Now I know this stance may not be “popular”, but as a comedian, I’ve never particularly cared about popularity. I just want you to like me. I’m Kevin Nealon.

Submitted by: Ellis Mitchell

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 05/19/90



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 20


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>






Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 19th, 1990

Candice Bergen

The Notting Hillbillies

None

Tom Davis

Andy Murphy

Conan O’Brien

Rob Schneider

David Spade
A Special Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George Bush (Dana Carvey) promises “No more new taxes.”

Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Candice Bergen’s MonologueSummary: Candice Bergen hosts her fiftth show in style, with a full Las Vegas flair.

Transcript

Toonces the Cat Who Could Drive A CarSummary: Toonces feels envious when his arch-enemy Spunky turns out to be a better driver than he is.

Recurring Characters: Toonces the Cat, Lyle Clark, Brenda Clark.

Transcript

Single Men In Their Thirties And Early Forties

The Tonight ShowSummary: Johnny Carson’s (Dana Carvey) interview with a 92-year old woman (Jan Hooks) goes nowhere.

Recurring Characters: Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon, Jay Leno.

The Notting Hillbillies perform “Railroad Worksong”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Wayne’s WorldSummary: Wayne (Mike Myers) fantasizes about a summer romance with Garth’s (Dana Carvey) mom (Candice Bergen).

Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.

Transcript

The Notting Hillbillies perform “Love You Too Much”

Once Upon A Time

She Does It All

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 05/19/90: A Special Message From The President Of The United States



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 20




Search Now: In Association with Amazon.com


89t: Candice Bergen / The Notting Hillbillies

A Special Message From The President Of The United States

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey

President George Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, in the past, when I’ve spoken to you from this office here, the news has always been good. Not bad – good! The Berlin Wall, the collapse of Communism, that Noriega thing over there – good, good, good! [ laughs ] It’s no wonder I’m up around that 80% approval area.

But now, tonight, the news I have to bring to you – not good. It’s kind of bad! Maybe after you hear it, my approval rating will slip down to 75%! [ laughs ] A little joke there for ya! Now, during my campaign for President, certain things were said. Things like “Read my lips.. no.. new.. taxes.” Now, when I said it, I meant it. I meant all three words. I meant “No”; I meant “New”; I meant “Taxes”. I meant ’em all! But situations change.. Spring becomes Summer; summer days become cloudy up there; sincere growth projections prove overly optimistic. Expenditures have continued to grow.. [ tilts his hand ] Up here.. right there, those little expenditures, right in that area. Revenues remain flat.. [ places other hand below first hand ] ..right down here. See this gap here? That’s what I wanna talk about, this budget deficit. The most frightening thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Right here! [ hands are positioned so as to appear to be holding an invisible box ] Doesn’t go away. You can move it.. [ moves his hands all around, maintaining same shape ] Still the same size – flip it, turn it, throw it up, do anything you want.. [ moves his hands all over, keeping the shape intact ] ..don’t think I haven’t tried – still there! You can move it – move it in and out, results are always the same.

We’ve got that debt thing happening – we need cash. Sort of boggles my mind, but don’t fear. I’ve got a plan. I’ve got a good plan. Gonna tell ta right now. Not avoiding it. Gonna come at ya with it, ready to tell you. Let the telling begin. Gonna come out with it! Here it comes! gonna tell ya – not afraid! Read my lips: I’m.. I’m gonna.. I’m gonna ra.. I’m gonna ra-ra.. I’m gonna ra-raise.. I’m gonna raise.. [ hyperventilates ] I’m gonna rai.. [ stutters ] t-t-t-t.. t-t-t-tax-es.. There! I said it, loud and clear.

Now, you might ask me, who’s the money gonna come from? Could tax the poor; haven’t got the money – wouldn’t work! The rich – tax ’em all you want, they’re slippery suckers! The incorporate meal deductions – they’ll laugh at ya! Don’t want to be laughed at by a tax lawyer down there, doing that laughter thing he does. That leaves us with the beautiful middle class – dependable, always there, family people. Don’t know about keeping receipts, don’t have a lot of paper laying around. Solid people. Don’t think we don’t love you, you little taxpayers! [ laughs ] Now, of course, the Democrats are gonna urge a big tax increase – 8, 10, 12% – nah.. ga.. do it! I’m talking 3, 4% tops – no more than 5 – that’s it! So read my lips: No.. huge.. new.. taxes.

So, to sum up: Berlin Wall down; Communism collapsing; Noriega behind bars; gap! [ holds shape with hands again ] Dan Quayle still gaining acceptance; no huge new taxes. That’s right – “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Ni-i-i-i-i-ight!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 05/19/90: Candice Bergen’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 20




Search Now: In Association with Amazon.com


89t: Candice Bergen / The Notting Hillbillies

Candice Bergen’s Monologue

…..Candice Bergen

Candice Bergen: Thank you very much! Thank you. You know, the first time I hosted “Saturday Night Live” was fifteen years ago, in November of 1975. Since then, I’ve always looked forward to hosting because this was the first show that allowed me to do comedy. Of course, now I have my own show, “Murphy Brown”. So, I really don’t need this show any more. Then, why am I here? Well, last Fall, they asked me to appear on the 15th Anniversary special. I sent them a nice note and said I would love to, but was really busy with my show, “Murphy Brown”. Which, at the time, was going into its second season, now a third. And I said, “Let’s do something later, maybe at the end of the season.” Who would have thought they would remember? So, here I am. And tonight, I want to do something very special for you. Because when I host, I host.

[ music plays ]

Male Chorus: [ singing ]“Candy!
Ooh, Candy!
Candy!”

Candice Bergen: [ singing ]“Just let me make one thing clear
This will be one hot night.
So let me do my thing here
Inside a hot spotlight.

Everything will be dandyIf you leave it to CandyHey, worldI’m hosting!

Male Chorus: [ singing ]“She’s.. got.. some..
Help from the boys
She’s got the band near
And if we make too much noise
Just tell them Candy’s here!
‘Cause she’s out of her cloister
The world is her oyster.”

Candice Bergen: [ singing ]“Look out!
I’m hosting!”

Male Chorus: [ singing ]“She’s the Easter parade
A one-woman Thanksgiving Day!
She lights up the sky
Like the Fourth of July”

Candice Bergen: [ singing ]“I’m hosting, dammit!
Get out of my way!”

[ music break ]

Male Chorus: [ singing ]“So bring her champagne
We’re gonna pop the cork.
‘Cause Candy got on a plane
And came back here to New York.
She’s not here for the money
She just ame to be funny
And she’ll do what it takes to get laughs!”

Candice Bergen: [ singing ]“Going out of my head over you
Going out of my head just for you
Out of my head
Day and night, night and day and night
Wrong or right
I’m hosting!”

Male Chorus: [ singing ]“Candy!
Candy!
Candy!”

Candice Bergen: I’m hosting!

We have a great show. Notting Hillbillies are here, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts