SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 05/19/90: Candice Bergen’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 20

Search Now: In Association with

89t: Candice Bergen / The Notting Hillbillies

Candice Bergen’s Monologue

…..Candice Bergen

Candice Bergen: Thank you very much! Thank you. You know, the first time I hosted “Saturday Night Live” was fifteen years ago, in November of 1975. Since then, I’ve always looked forward to hosting because this was the first show that allowed me to do comedy. Of course, now I have my own show, “Murphy Brown”. So, I really don’t need this show any more. Then, why am I here? Well, last Fall, they asked me to appear on the 15th Anniversary special. I sent them a nice note and said I would love to, but was really busy with my show, “Murphy Brown”. Which, at the time, was going into its second season, now a third. And I said, “Let’s do something later, maybe at the end of the season.” Who would have thought they would remember? So, here I am. And tonight, I want to do something very special for you. Because when I host, I host.

[ music plays ]

Male Chorus: [ singing ]“Candy!
Ooh, Candy!

Candice Bergen: [ singing ]“Just let me make one thing clear
This will be one hot night.
So let me do my thing here
Inside a hot spotlight.

Everything will be dandyIf you leave it to CandyHey, worldI’m hosting!

Male Chorus: [ singing ]“She’s.. got.. some..
Help from the boys
She’s got the band near
And if we make too much noise
Just tell them Candy’s here!
‘Cause she’s out of her cloister
The world is her oyster.”

Candice Bergen: [ singing ]“Look out!
I’m hosting!”

Male Chorus: [ singing ]“She’s the Easter parade
A one-woman Thanksgiving Day!
She lights up the sky
Like the Fourth of July”

Candice Bergen: [ singing ]“I’m hosting, dammit!
Get out of my way!”

[ music break ]

Male Chorus: [ singing ]“So bring her champagne
We’re gonna pop the cork.
‘Cause Candy got on a plane
And came back here to New York.
She’s not here for the money
She just ame to be funny
And she’ll do what it takes to get laughs!”

Candice Bergen: [ singing ]“Going out of my head over you
Going out of my head just for you
Out of my head
Day and night, night and day and night
Wrong or right
I’m hosting!”

Male Chorus: [ singing ]“Candy!

Candice Bergen: I’m hosting!

We have a great show. Notting Hillbillies are here, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 05/19/90: Toonces the Cat Who Could Drive A Car

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 20

Search Now: In Association with

89t: Candice Bergen / The Notting Hillbillies

Toonces the Cat Who Could Drive A Car

Lyle Clarke…..Dana Carvey
Brenda Clarke…..Victoria Jackson
Spunky’s Owner…..Candice Bergen

“Toonces the Driving Cat
The Cat who could drive a car.
He drives around
all over the town
Toonces the Driving Cat!”

Announcer: “Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car.” Tonight: “Toonces’ Arch Enemy – Spunky”.

[ dissolve to interior, living room, as Toonces and his owners, Lyle and Brenda Clarke, watch home videos with Spunky and his owner ]

Spunky’s Owner: These are really nice home videos.

Lyle Clarke: Thanks!

Brenda Clarke: Oh, look! Here we are at the Grand Canyon!

Lyle Clarke: Oh, yeah.. Toonces was driving that day!

[ footage shows Toonces driving the car over the edge of the Grand Canyon ]

Spunky’s Owner: The Grand Canyon is really deep!

Lyle Clarke: Yeah! Yeah, tell us about it.

Brenda Clarke: Yeah.

Lyle Clarke: Hmm.

Brenda Clarke: Oh! Here we are at Carmel!

Lyle Clarke: Mmm. Yeah.

Brenda Clarke: Oh, that’s Toonces coming to pick us up.

[ footage shows Toonces driving the car over a cliff ]

Lyle Clarke: [ chuckles ]

Spunky’s Owner: Carmel is so pretty, isn’t it?

Lyle Clarke: It sure is. Oh! Now, here we are at Niagra Falls!

[ footage shows Toonces driving the car over the falls ]

Lyle Clarke: What a view we had that day – thanks to Toonces!

Spunky’s Owner: Ohh..

[ footage shows Toonces as a kitten driving a toy car around in the driveway ]

Lyle Clarke: Oh, how did this get in here? That was Toonces when he was a kitten!

Brenda Clarke: Oh! He liked to drive even then!

Lyle Clarke: Oh, there he goes!

[ Kitten Toonces drives over a wall ]

Lyle Clarke: Awww.. Well.. that’s all. I sure hope you enjoyed it.

Spunky’s Owner: I sure did! And I have an an-nunce-ment!

Brenda Clarke: What is it?

Spunky’s Owner: I know that your cat Toonces can drive.

Lyle Clarke: Well, yes.. just not very well.

Spunky’s Owner: Well, my cat Spunky just finished Driving School!

Lyle Clarke: Really?

Brenda Clarke: Wow!

Spunky’s Owner: Yep! Here’s his report card.

Lyle Clarke: [ examining it ] Wow! Look at those grades!

Spunky’s Owner: He got a A+ in Driving, an A+ in Conduct, an A+ in Attendance, an A+ in Punctuality.. and an extra A+ for helping clean erasers after class!

Brenda Clarke: It sounds like he’s a good driver!

Lyle Clarke: And how!

Spunky’s Owner: Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s have Spunky take us for a drive!

The Clarkes: Yeah!!

Spunky’s Owner: We’ll go home and get ready!

Brenda Clarke: Okay!

Lyle Clarke: Bye-bye!

Brenda Clarke: Bye, Spunky!

Lyle Clarke: Bye, Spunky!

[ Spunky and his owner exit the Clarke household ]

Toonces: [ growls menacingly ] [ dissolve to interior, Spunky’s house; Spunky is in the bathroom getting himself ready ]

Spunky’s Owner: Spunky? Are you getting ready?

Spunky: [ meows ]

Spunky’s Owner: Don’t forget to wear your nice tie!

Spunky: [ meows ] [ camera focuses on Spunky’s reflection in the mirror, where, suddenly, Toonces appears from behind, and covers Spunky’s face with a rag of chloroform ] [ dissolve to the drive, later that afternoon, with what appears to be Spunky driving the car for his owner and the Clarkes ]

Spunky’s Owner: What a lovely day for a drive.

Lyle Clarke: It certainly is.

Brenda Clarke: Yeah. and Spunky is driving so well!

Spunky’s Owner: Yes! Did you see, back at that turn, how he used his signal, and put out his paw?

Brenda Clarke: Yeah, I noticed that!

Lyle Clarke: But he.. he seems to be driving worse now..

[ “Spunky” begins to swerve the car along the road ]

Everyone: Uh-oh..

Brenda Clarke: He’s getting wreckless!

Spunky’s Owner: [ worried ] Spunky, what’s wrong?

Lyle Clarke: Hey! Hey, wait a minute! Something’s wrong here..

[ Lyle reaches over the seat to pull off Toonces’ fake Spunky mask ]

Everyone: It’s Toonces!!

Spunky’s Owner: But where’s Spunky?

[ quick cut to show Spunky tied and gagged in his bathroom back at home ] [ quick cut back to Toonces driving everyone in the car ]

Everyone: Look out, Toonces!! Look out!!

[ once again, the car topples over a cliff ]

“He drives around
all over the town
Toonces the Driving Cat!”

SNL Transcripts