SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 04/21/90: The Greta Garbo I Knew



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 18




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89r: Alec Baldwin / The B-52’s

The Greta Garbo I Knew

James O’Brien…..Alec Baldwin
Greta Garbo…..Jan Hooks
Delivery Boy…..Rob Schneider

[ open on black and white photograph of Greta Garbo ]

James O’Brien V/O: This is Greta Garbo as the public remembered her – the luminous legend of the screen. But I remember a different Garbo – the reclusive woman for whom I, James O’Brien, worked in 1983. Garbo was intensely protected of her privacy, and maintaining it was always a challenge. I remember my first day..

[ dissolve to Greta Garbo’s reclusive home ]

James O’Brien: [ enters sunroom ] Miss Garbo?

Greta Garbo: [ looks up from behind dark shades ] Are you.. alone?

James O’Brien: Yes.

Greta Garbo: Very well.

James O’Brien: I have flowers here for you. From another anonymous fan.

Greta Garbo: [ sighs ] Put them in another room. I want to be.. alone.

James O’Brien: Yes, Miss Garbo.

Greta Garbo: Let me see them. [ takes the flowers ] Ohh.. they’re so beautiful. Put each flower in a separate vase, so that they are.. alone.

James O’Brien: Yes, Miss Garbo. Are you ready for your lunch?

Greta Garbo: Yes. I’ll have a single baked potato.. wrapped in its own foil.

James O’Brien: Would you like the potato with butter?

Greta Garbo: No, no, no, no.. alone.

James O’Brien: Yes, Miss Garbo, I’ll prepare that for you.

Greta Garbo: You may.. leave me.. alone.. now.

James O’Brien: Yes, ma’am. Goodbye.

Greta Garbo: So long.. [ phone rings, she panics ] Oh, no.. uh.. telephone! Telephone! Telephone! Telephone! [ James rushes in ] Please.. please.. please..

James O’Brien: [ answers phone ] Hello, Miss Garbo’s residence! Miss Garbo? Uhhh…

Greta Garbo: [ waves her arms frantically ]

James O’Brien: She’s not here at this time! Who’s calling, please? Mr. Zeckindorf, from the RKO days..

Greta Garbo: [ waves her arms frantically ]

James O’Brien: Uh.. yeah. She’s, uh..

Greta Garbo: [ rubs her head ]

James O’Brien: ..rubbing herself..

Greta Garbo: [ spins, while contuning to rub her head ]

James O’Brien: ..rubbing her hair.. uh.. no.. what?

Greta Garbo: [ mimes pulling something ]

James O’Brien: Uh.. uh.. you’ll call back?

Greta Garbo: [ waves her arms frantically ]

James O’Brien: No, no, no.. she’ll call you! You’re at a payphone? Oh! Uh.. when will she be back? Uh.. uh..

Greta Garbo: [ holds out her hand, five fingers held up ]

James O’Brien: Five minutes! Hours! Days! Weeks! Months! Years! Uh, no, no, no! Five weeks! She’ll be back in five weeks! Where is she? Uhh.. uhh..

Greta Garbo: [ holds out her arms and mimics and airplane ]

James O’Brien: She’s flying! She’s flying to, uh.. to, uh..

Greta Garbo: [ rocks back and forth ]

James O’Brien: She’s surfing! No, she’s doing the hula.. she’s in Hawaii! She’s in Hawaii! You’re in Hawaii?! Oh! Well! She’s, uh.. she’s, uh..

Greta Garbo: [ touches leaves on an indoor plant ]

James O’Brien: Houseplant.. tree.. leaves.. leaving! She’s leaving Hawaii! To, uh.. to, uh..

Greta Garbo: [ stretches arms out, raises out ]

James O’Brien: To see! To see, uh.. uh..

Greta Garbo: [ drops on all fours ]

James O’Brien: A horse! A dog! A cat! A mouse! Uh.. uh.. An ant! She’s going to visit her aunt! Her aunt who lives in, uh.. lives in, uh.. uh..

Greta Garbo: [ mimes a shell game ]

James O’Brien: Shell game.. dealer.. cards.. cards.. Montel Carlo.. Monte Carlo! She’s in Monte Carlo! She’s visiting her aunt in Monte Carlo! Okay! Bye! [ hangs up phone ] Wow! That was something! I really thought he had us there, being in Hawaii! We pulled it off!

Greta Garbo: You idiot! Now.. I want you to sit down over here. It should not be so difficult. We are going to go over it one more time, okay? Now.. what is it.. that I want?

James O’Brien: To be alone.

Greta Garbo: And?

James O’Brien: To be alone.

Announcer: Next week, on “The Garbo I Knew”.

[ James is trying to keep a Delivery Boy from entering the house, as Garbo hides behind the door ]

James O’Brien: No, really! you can just leave the bags there, I’ll bring them in!

Delivery Boy: Sir, this one’s ripped, you’d better let me bring it in.

James O’Brien: No, no, no, no! You really can’t! The floor.. it was, uh.. it was just waxed!

[ Garbo sneaks away from the door ]

Delivery Boy: No problem..

James O’Brien: No, no, no, please, really..

Delivery Boy: The meat leaked!

James O’Brien: Well, I’ll get some paper towels and clean it up myself!

Delivery Boy: I got a lot of deliveries to make.

James O’Brien: [ gives in ] Alright..

Delivery Boy: [ brings the bags in, puts them on a table, then exits ]

James O’Brien: Thank you.

[ James looks up ablive and discovers Garbo hanging from a chandelier ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

15th Anniversary Special: 09/24/89


Air Date:

Hosts:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

September 24th, 1989

None

Prince

Father Guido Sarducci

Kevin Nealon

Victoria Jackson

Dan Aykroyd

Steve Martin

Robin Williams

Tom Hanks

Billy Crystal

Sam Kinison

Joan Cusack

Mary Tyler Moore

Jon Lovitz

Lorne Michaels

Chevy Chase

Jane Curtin

Joe Piscopo

Garrett Morris

Susan St. James

Christopher Guest

Martin Short

O.J. Simpson

Steve Martin

Buck Henry

Charlton Heston

Jane Curtin

Laraine Newman

Dennis Miller

Jan Hooks

Mary Tyler Moore

Eddie Murphy’s Entourage

Dan Aykroyd

Jim Belushi

Robin Williams

Bruce Willis

  • Chevy Falls

    Kevin Nealon and Victoria Jackson gawk at the night’s celebrity guests.

    Chevy Chase insists he’s not too old to do the opening fall.

  • Tom Hanks’ Monologue

    Hanks outlines obligatory comments for the monologue.

  • 1975-1980 Highlights

    Clips include: Wolverines, Jaws II, Fred Garvin, Mr. Bill and The Nerds.

  • SNL Moment I

    Susan St. James was first host to marry an SNL producer.

  • Hey, You!

    (Repeat) See: 12/10/77.

  • Jerry Hall

    Jerry Hall introduces Prince.

  • Prince performs “Electric Chair”

  • Hey, You!

    (Repeat) See: 12/10/77.

  • Guest/Short

    Christopher Guest makes fun of Martin Short while introducing clips.

  • 1980-1985 Highlights

    Clips include: The Whiners, Velvet Jones, Fernando’s Hideaway and Mr. Robinson.

  • SNL Moment II

    O.J. Simpson acknowledges Walter Payton’s Superbowl loss.

  • Super Bass-o-Matic ’76

    (Repeat) See: 04/24/76.

  • Steve Martin

    Steve Martin is too excited to introduce clip highlights.

  • 1985-1989 Highlights

    Clips include: Pathlogical Liar, Hans & Franz, Sprockets and Hercules.

  • Charlton Heston

    Charlton Heston reads a letter from an offended SNL viewer.

  • First Citiwide Change Bank I

    (Repeat) See: 10/08/88.

  • Billy Crystal

    Billy Crystal does stand-up about feeling old.

  • Musical Guest Highlights

    highlights of 14 years’ worth of musical guests.

  • Gilda Radner Tribute

    Jane Curtin and Laraine Newman introduce clips of Gilda’s performances.

  • Gilda Radner Highlights

    Clips include: Emily Litella, Baba Wawa, Judy Miller and La Dolce Gilda.

  • Dennis Miller

    Dennis Miller talks about SNL’s political sketches.

  • Political Highlights

    Clips include: Debate ’76, Carter Call-In and Jesse Jackson’s Monologue.

  • SNL Moment III

    Jan Hooks wins the award for most whores portrayed in one SNL episode.

  • Mary Tyler Moore

    Mary Tyler Moore talks about SNL’s tasteless sketches.

  • Tasteless Sketch Highlights

    Clips include: The Widettes, Nude Beach, and Lord & Lady Douchebag.

  • John Belushi Tribute

    Dan Aykroyd and Jim Belushi introduce clips of John’s performances.

  • John Belushi Highlights

    Clips include: Samurai Deli, Godfather Therapy and Little Chocolate Donuts.

  • Robin Williams

    Robin Williams stalls for time by roasting audience members.

  • Compulsion

    (Repeat) See: 11/14/87.

  • “Play Misty For Me”

    (Repeat) See: 01/10/76.

  • Paul Simon Worries

    (Repeat) See: 11/20/76.

  • Paul Simon performs “Still Crazy After All These Years”

  • Bruce Willis

    Bruce Willis reminds cast and crew to be ready for him in the morning.

    SNL Transcripts