SNL Transcripts: Andrew Dice Clay: 05/12/90: Dad, What’s Sex?

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 19

Search Now: In Association with

89s: Andrew Dice Clay / Spanic Boys, Julee Cruise

Dad, What’s Sex?

Dad…..Andrew Dice Clay
Timmy…..Mike Myers
Martin Stokely…..Phil Hartman

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: NBC is proud to present an Afterschool Special, with Andrew Dice Clay:

[ dissolve to secodn title card ]

“Dad, What’s Sex?”

[ dissolve to exterior, suburban house, as Dad waters the lawn, holding the hose and nozzle in an abrupt phallic manner ] [ Timmy runs into scene and starts up the front steps ]

Timmy: Hi, Dad.

Dad: Hey, Timmy. Hey! Hold on. What’s that long look in your face, huh?

Timmy: Oh, it’s nothing, Dad.

Dad: [ puts the hose away ] Hey, come on. Come down here, you can talk to your old man. Siddown. [ they both sit on the steps ] What’s the matter?

Timmy: Dad. What’s sex?

Dad: [ a beat ] Well, what brings that up?

Timmy: Well. The other kids at school were laugihng and giggling about it, like it was dirty. What is it?

Dad: Well, let me tell ya’ something, Timmy – I don’t know why those kids are laughing. Because there’s nothin’ dirty about — there’s nothin’ more beautiful, more wholesome.. or more natural.. than poontang.

Timmy: Really?

Dad: Absolutely. You see.. Mother Nature has given Man a thing we – we refer to as the dong. He gave me one, and.. He gave you one.

Timmy: Uh-huh?

Dad: And, to women, he gave something.. called the honeypot.

Timmy: But, why?

Dad: Well, it’s because when a man and woman love each other very much, they wanna show it. And the way they do that is by.. strappin’ it on. You know what I mean?

Timmy: [ confused ] I think so. Is that like what Scruffy does to my leg?

Dad: Yeah. Only, not as often.

Timmy: I don’t think I’m ever gonna have sex.

Dad: Oh, I think one day you’ll really be wanting some poontang.

Timmy: Well.. how will I know when I’m ready?

Dad: Oh, you’ll know. Pretty son, you’ll be gettin’ some pubes. Next thing you know, you’ll pop a boinger or two, you know? And you’ll be thinkin’ about givin’ someone that nice baloney pony. You know what I’m sayin’?

Timmy: [ shakes his head, smiling ] No way!

Dad: Hey, look, look, look – Timmy, Timmy – come on, you’re my kid. Right? Don’t feel pressured into poontang. When you’re ready for poontang.. poontang will be ready for you.

Timmy: It will?

Dad: Oh, yeah. And, remember – you have to act responsibly with a chick, you know what I’m sayin’? You don’t want to knock her up. You don’t want to give her your real name. Your real address. Your real phone number. And always wear a raincoat on the fireman, if you know what I’m sayin’. Has this helped you at all?

Timmy: Yeah! Thanks, Dad!

Dad: That’s my boy. Anything else you wanna know?

Timmy: Well, I did have one more question.

Dad: [ motions his arms for the question to come pouring out ] Shoot.

Timmy: [ smiles ] Do you think the Mets have a chance this year? [ laughs ]

Dad: That’s my boy! Go do your homework.

Timmy: Okay!

[ Timmy runs into the house, as Dad retrieves his hose and begins to abruptly water the lawn again ] [ title card overlays ]

Announcer: And now, in response to “Dad, What’s Sex?”, is Martin Stokely of Planned Parenthood.

[ dissolve to Martin Stokely standing at center of screen ]

Martin Stokely: Well, we at Planned Parenthood agree, more or less, with the message of Mr. Clay’s Afterschool Special, we take exception to the use of certain words or phrases. For instance, we object to the word.. dong. We feel that a more appropriate word is.. talleywhacker. Also, instead of honeypot.. possibly, a better phrase would have been.. the vertical smile. Or.. the silk igloo. And, is poontang really the proper way to describe.. nookie? We don’t think so. However, we do appreciate the fact that the word boinger was used correctly. Thank you, NBC.

[ screen is overlapped with a page wipe, to reveal the Cheers ‘N’ Jeers page of TV Guide ] [ dissolve to close-up of a Cheers article on “Saturday Night Live”, with the summary: ]

Announcer: “Cheers to Saturday Night Live for a skit in which a father thoughtfully explains sex to his son. Although we didn’t see the skit, we feel… wait a minute! We were tricked! ‘Jeers’ to Saturday Night Live! ‘Jeers’!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andrew Dice Clay: 05/12/90: It’s A Wonderful Dice

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 19

Search Now: In Association with

89s: Andrew Dice Clay / Spanic Boys, Julee Cruise

It’s A Wonderful Dice

…..Andrew Dice Clay
Mephistoles…..Jon LovitzFrank Zappa…..Dana Carvey

[ open on title card, “The Pat Stevens Show” ]

Announcer V/O: “The Pat Stevens Show” will not be seen tnight, so that we may bring you the following special presentation.

[ dissolve to New York Times printing press in action, as the front page spins into view with the headline: “Andrew Dice Clay To Host S.N.L.” ] [ the front page for The Wall Street Journal spins over the first paper, with its own headline: “Nora Dunn & Sinead o’Connor Refuse To Perform” ] [ the front page for Daily News spins over the other two papers, with its headline: “Massive Public Protests Planned” ] [ finally, the front page for The New York Post spins over all the papers, with its headline: “The Diceman Disappears!” ] [ dissolve to Andrew Dice Clay standing at the top of a snow-covered bridge, crying to himself ]

Andrew Dice Clay: Why’s this happening to me? all this fuss over one stinkin’ show! I never meant to hurt nobody! [ sobs ] Look at me! I’m cryin, like a – like a chick! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] That’s it! There’s no point in going on any more, the Diceman’s checkin’ out! [ throws one leg over the railing ]

Voice: I wouldn’t do that, if I were you!

[ Andrew Dice Clay looks around for the source of the mysterious voice, as Mephistopheles materializes into view, lughing maniacally ]

Andrew Dice Clay: W-what are you supposed to be?

Mephistopheles: I’m the Devil, Mr. Clay. Your guardian devil!

Andrew Dice Clay: Hey, get outta my face, alright? [ the Devil laughs ] Can’t you see I wish I had never been born?

Mephistopheles: You’ve got your wish, Diceman. You’ve never been born.

Andrew Dice Clay: [ observes his unchanged surroundings ] Oh, yeah? I don’t feel no different.

Mephistopheles: Well, you are. And so is the world. You don’t know it, but your absence has had far-reaching effects. Follow me. [ laughs maniacally without stopping, as the camera pans out ]

Andrew Dice Clay: Just go! Go! GO!!

[ together, they exit stage left ] [ dissolve to point-of-view camera movement throuh the snowy streets of New York City, filled with vagrants and homeless people moving about ]

Andrew Dice Clay V/O: Let me ask you something – where are we going?

Mephistoles V/O: You’ll see.

Andrew Dice Clay V/O: Man. Look at all those homesless people. Did I have any affect on their lives?

Mephistopheles V/O: No! [ to himself ] Idiot.

[ dissolve to an upward shot of 30 Rockefeller Plaza ] [ dissolve to Andrew Dice Clay and Mephistoles in bluish tint, standing among the audience in Studio 8-H as a mustachioed man stands at Home Base delivering a monologue ]

Mephistopheles: Here we are.

Andrew Dice Clay: Where?

Mephistopheles: Studio 8-H. Home of “Saturday Night Live.” This is the show you were supposed to host! But, because you were never born Frank Zappa was booked instead!

Andrew Dice Clay: Oh, my God!

Mephistopheles: Tell me about it. [ they begin walking toward Home Base ] Zappa went on an anti-censorship rant.. for about seventy minutes!

Frank Zappa: — the Thought Police in Washington watching us on their telescreens! Big Brother Bush and his Assistant Reich Marshall Tipper will indubitably prevail! And freedom of speech will go the way of 8-track tapes! [ his lips continue to move, but his voice is silent ]

Mephistopheles: The ratings plummeted. And led to the immediate cancellation of the show.

Andrew Dice Clay: That’s horrible!

Mephistopheles: That’s not the worst of it. [ leads Andrew Dice Clay to the musical guest’s stage ] Behold!

[ Mephistopheles points to an amp lying on top of a pair of women’s legs ]

Andrew Dice Clay: What is that?

Mephistopheles: That.. is Nora Dunn. [ the audience hoots and hollars, as Mephistopheles cackles maniacally ] Because you were never born, she was here that night, and was accidentaly crushed by Sinead O’Connor’s amplifier. [ audience cheers ]

Andrew Dice Clay: That’s awful!

Mephistopheles: O’Connor felt so terrible.. she never sang again.

Andrew Dice Clay: Hey, that’s too bad – she was a cute bald chuick. [ takes a drag from his cigarette ] so, what else? What else? Did anything else happen because I didn’t live?

Mephistopheles: [ thinking ] Yes! Because your fans had their evening free, they were able to graduate high school. [ cackles ]

Andrew Dice Clay: That’s bad, I’m tellin’ ya’. What a waste! But, tell me, Devil – what happened to my film? “The Adventures of Ford Fairlane”, which opens on — [ squints at cue card ] What does that say? [ reads ] “Opens on July 6th, 1990.”

Mephistopheles: It did open. It was a smash hit. It launched the career of the most brilliant comedic actor of his generation – Jon lovitz! [ laughs with glee ]

Andrew Dice Clay: Jon Lovitz?!

Mephistopheles: Yeah.

Andrew Dice Clay: You mean, that Liar guy?!

Mephistopheles: [ frowns ] It wasn’t his only character!

Andrew Dice Clay: Hey, look – I can’t allow that to happen. You know what I mean? Take me back, Devil! I want to live! I want to live! OH!! I want to live! [ takes a big drag from his cigarette ]

Mephistopheles: Very well, Diceman. I grant you your wish.

[ camera zooms on Mephistopheles ]

Mephistopheles: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiight!!!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andrew Dice Clay: 05/12/90: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 19

Search Now: In Association with

89s: Andrew Dice Clay / Spanic Boys, Julee Cruise


…..Andrew Dice Clay

Andrew Dice Clay: I’d like to thank The Spanic Boys! Julee Cruise! The cast of “Saturday Night Live”! Did ya’ have a great time?! [ audience cheers and screams ] Alright! And I want to say “Happy Mother’s Day!” to my mother, and every other mother out there! Take care! [ pulls his jacket collar up ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andrew Dice Clay: 05/12/90: Andrew Dice Clay’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 19

Search Now: In Association with

89s: Andrew Dice Clay / Spanic Boys, Julee Cruise

Andrew Dice Clay’s Monologue

…..Andrew Dice Clay

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Andrew Dice Clay!

Andrew Dice Clay: [ enters, taking more drags from his cigarette ] Alright!! [ takes another big drag from his cigarette ] HOW ARE YA’?!! It’s about all I can say tonight, you know what I’m sayin’?! [ audience laughs ] HOW ARE YA’?!! [ audience cheers, as he drags on his cigarette ] Alright, so I see we’re buggin’ a few people, aughh!! [ drags from his cigarette ]

Now.. I know a lot of you people might recognize this jacket. [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] The only other time I ever wore this jacket was on my.. one appearance on M-TV last year. [ audience cheers ] But don’t worry – I won’t curse! I mean that. I don’t need it no more. You know what I mean? I got enough PR this week. And I think the only thing I can do to top it is to take my penis and wrap it around the microphone stand! [ takes another drag from his cigarette ]


But I ain’t gonna do that! I don’t believe in that, I never did! [ audience awwws ] Know what I mean? [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] But I know, you know, they made me out to be a bad guy. sometimes I feel like Al Pacino in “Scarface.” You know what I’m sayin’? You know the scene I’m talkin’ about – he’s at the dinner table, and he’s sittin’ there like.. “That’s right! Look at me, you piece of gint! I’m the bad guy, right!” Wrong!! THAT’S why I’m here! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] And we got a good-looking crowd, and we got some good-looking chicks here in the audience. [ glances at a chick in the audience ] How are ya’, honey? Nice to have ya’. [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] You live alone? OH!

Let’s see – I am gonna keep it clean, ’cause I have other talents, other than a foul mouth, even though I know how to make it rhyme so beautiful. [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] You know what I mean? I mean, even comin’ down here tonight – you know, situations happen that aren’t that dirty. It’s like, I’m walkin’ down to the studio today, right? And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this mugger comes out of an alley with a knife. Right? Adn he goes, “Hey! Give me your wallet!” I’m going, “Whoa-ho, whoa! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] What kind of an attitude is that? That’s how you ask me for something?” I go, “Number One: I don’t carry a wallet. I never did, I don’t believe in them, you know what I mean? [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] But I carry a gun. Now, give me your wallet!” [ takes another drag on his cigarette, as the audience laughs ] So, then we’re walkin’ down here together. [ takes another drag on his cigarette ]

You see, I get along with people. I-I do a lot of great things. I just bought this fish tank. You know what I mean? I don’t like fish; I like the tanks! So, I, uh – so I put my dog in it! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] Hey, I got a lot of clean jokes! I just forget ’em all the time. [ audience laughs ] You know what I’m sayin’? That’s what I’m sayin’! I don’t know! [ glances into the audience ] But, look – he’s thinkin’ about that. [ to the man ] Think about it for fifteen minutes. Take an hour. Back! Get it?! Hour BACK!! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] I’ll call you back in an hour, I’m BACK!! [ makes a moaning and groaning noise as he takes another drag on his cigarette ] You’re laughin’ and you don’t even know what you’re laughin’ about! It’s ’cause I’m funny, stu-peed! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] I don’t have to tell jokes – I could just keep sayin’, “I’ll call you in an hour – I’M BACK!! Get it?!” And you’d keep laughing! You know why? You’re a moron! [ takes another drag from his cigarette ]

But, no – you’re living with this girl now? Things are good?

[ cut to guy in the audience ]

Guy in Audience: Yeah.

Andrew Dice Clay: Yeah? Married?

[ Guy in audience shakes his head yes ]

Andrew Dice Clay: You’re gettin’ married? [ chuckles ] No, it don’t make – so you won’t have any money in a few years. You know what I mean? But the wedding’s beautiful, you know? [ takes another drag from his cigarette ] I like that part in the wedding where you take the garter belt off, and everybody’s lookin’ like you never seen her skin, and they’re goin’, “Whoo-hoo-hoooo!” Right? [ winks lasciviously ] Yeah, sure, right? [ takes another drag on his cigarette ] She’s pure as silk – that’s why they wear the white dress, you know? They’re in the white dress, and – like – like, they’re pure! Right? Like there isn’t a guy sittin’ in the back of the chapel goin’, “White dress? I had this bitch when she was fifteen!

[ the guy in the audience laughs again ]

Alright. Well, we’re gonna give you a great show tonight. You’re gonna have a great time, and I’m gonna be unbelievable like always! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andrew Dice Clay: 05/12/90: Kevin Nealon’s Personal Protest

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 19

89s: Andrew Dice Clay / Spanic Boys, Julee Cruise

Kevin Nealon’s Personal Protest

…..Kevin Nealon

Kevin Nealon: Hi, I’m Kevin Nealon. Earlier you heard from my fellow cast member, Jan Hooks about her objection to Andrew Dice Clay hosting tonight’s show. Well her form of protest, walking through sketches is uh, certainly valid. I’ve chosen a different means of expressing my outrage. Tonight, I am refusing to appear in all but three sketches. I feel that by doing only three sketches, and really scoring in those three, I would make more of a statement than by appearing in 6 or 7 sketches in small supporting roles. Now I know this stance may not be “popular”, but as a comedian, I’ve never particularly cared about popularity. I just want you to like me. I’m Kevin Nealon.

Submitted by: Ellis Mitchell

SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 05/19/90

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 20

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


May 19th, 1990

Candice Bergen

The Notting Hillbillies


Tom Davis

Andy Murphy

Conan O’Brien

Rob Schneider

David Spade
A Special Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George Bush (Dana Carvey) promises “No more new taxes.”

Recurring Characters: President George Bush.



Candice Bergen’s MonologueSummary: Candice Bergen hosts her fiftth show in style, with a full Las Vegas flair.


Toonces the Cat Who Could Drive A CarSummary: Toonces feels envious when his arch-enemy Spunky turns out to be a better driver than he is.

Recurring Characters: Toonces the Cat, Lyle Clark, Brenda Clark.


Single Men In Their Thirties And Early Forties

The Tonight ShowSummary: Johnny Carson’s (Dana Carvey) interview with a 92-year old woman (Jan Hooks) goes nowhere.

Recurring Characters: Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon, Jay Leno.

The Notting Hillbillies perform “Railroad Worksong”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Wayne’s WorldSummary: Wayne (Mike Myers) fantasizes about a summer romance with Garth’s (Dana Carvey) mom (Candice Bergen).

Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.


The Notting Hillbillies perform “Love You Too Much”

Once Upon A Time

She Does It All


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 05/19/90: A Special Message From The President Of The United States

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 20

Search Now: In Association with

89t: Candice Bergen / The Notting Hillbillies

A Special Message From The President Of The United States

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey

President George Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, in the past, when I’ve spoken to you from this office here, the news has always been good. Not bad – good! The Berlin Wall, the collapse of Communism, that Noriega thing over there – good, good, good! [ laughs ] It’s no wonder I’m up around that 80% approval area.

But now, tonight, the news I have to bring to you – not good. It’s kind of bad! Maybe after you hear it, my approval rating will slip down to 75%! [ laughs ] A little joke there for ya! Now, during my campaign for President, certain things were said. Things like “Read my lips.. no.. new.. taxes.” Now, when I said it, I meant it. I meant all three words. I meant “No”; I meant “New”; I meant “Taxes”. I meant ’em all! But situations change.. Spring becomes Summer; summer days become cloudy up there; sincere growth projections prove overly optimistic. Expenditures have continued to grow.. [ tilts his hand ] Up here.. right there, those little expenditures, right in that area. Revenues remain flat.. [ places other hand below first hand ] ..right down here. See this gap here? That’s what I wanna talk about, this budget deficit. The most frightening thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Right here! [ hands are positioned so as to appear to be holding an invisible box ] Doesn’t go away. You can move it.. [ moves his hands all around, maintaining same shape ] Still the same size – flip it, turn it, throw it up, do anything you want.. [ moves his hands all over, keeping the shape intact ] ..don’t think I haven’t tried – still there! You can move it – move it in and out, results are always the same.

We’ve got that debt thing happening – we need cash. Sort of boggles my mind, but don’t fear. I’ve got a plan. I’ve got a good plan. Gonna tell ta right now. Not avoiding it. Gonna come at ya with it, ready to tell you. Let the telling begin. Gonna come out with it! Here it comes! gonna tell ya – not afraid! Read my lips: I’m.. I’m gonna.. I’m gonna ra.. I’m gonna ra-ra.. I’m gonna ra-raise.. I’m gonna raise.. [ hyperventilates ] I’m gonna rai.. [ stutters ] t-t-t-t.. t-t-t-tax-es.. There! I said it, loud and clear.

Now, you might ask me, who’s the money gonna come from? Could tax the poor; haven’t got the money – wouldn’t work! The rich – tax ’em all you want, they’re slippery suckers! The incorporate meal deductions – they’ll laugh at ya! Don’t want to be laughed at by a tax lawyer down there, doing that laughter thing he does. That leaves us with the beautiful middle class – dependable, always there, family people. Don’t know about keeping receipts, don’t have a lot of paper laying around. Solid people. Don’t think we don’t love you, you little taxpayers! [ laughs ] Now, of course, the Democrats are gonna urge a big tax increase – 8, 10, 12% – nah.. ga.. do it! I’m talking 3, 4% tops – no more than 5 – that’s it! So read my lips: No.. huge.. new.. taxes.

So, to sum up: Berlin Wall down; Communism collapsing; Noriega behind bars; gap! [ holds shape with hands again ] Dan Quayle still gaining acceptance; no huge new taxes. That’s right – “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Ni-i-i-i-i-ight!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Rob Lowe: 03/17/90: Alexander’s Fur World

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 15

Search Now: In Association with

89o: Rob Lowe / The Pogues

Alexander’s Fur World

Alexander…..Jon Lovitz

Alexander: Hello! I’m Alexander Johnson, of Alexander’s Fur World. And we’re havin our year-end, better-off-dead sale. Furs, furs, furs! Choose from hundreds of full-length minks. Every one of these animals was raised in the lap of luxury, and, I’m sorry to say, committed suicide due to personal problems..

[ SUPER: “Depressed Minks” ]

And that’s not all! We have a fabulous collection of evil, murdering, vicious coyotes – every one a confirmed sheep and bunny killer convicted by a jury of environmentalists, and executed under humane conditions. Believe me, they’re better off dead.

Also, review our selection of reatarded beavers..

[ SUPER: “Retarded Beavers” ]

These poor animals were unable to cope with the complex demands of beaver society, and had to be put out of their misery. We have road possums, rabid foxes, and a limited number of filthy, destructive raccoons we found dead by the side of the road..

[ SUPER: “Flattened Raccoons” ]

So come with a clear conscience, and remember: they’re animals, for crying out loud! That’s what they’re there for!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 04/21/90

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 18

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


April 21st, 1990

Alec Baldwin

The B-52’s


Tom Davis

Rob Schneider

David Spade

Conan O’Brien
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George Bush (Dana Carvey) licks his glaucoma drops.

Recurring Characters: President George Bush.



Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: Handsome actor Alec Baldwin overextends his desire to “charm” the audience with his dashing good looks.

Also Hosted: 90n, 92m, 93m, 94h, 95k, 96n, 98i, 00p, 01r, 03f, 05h, 06e.


GreenhillySummary: Groundskeeper Mr. Cherrywood (Alec Baldwin) delights in kissing everyone at the Greenhilly country club.


The Environmentally Conscious One

The Greto Garbo I KnewSummary: James O’Brien (Alec Baldwin) recalls the eccentric nature of Greta Garbo’s (Jan Hooks) desire to be alone.


Only in New York

The B-52’s perform “Cosmic Thing”

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Kevin Nealon delivers the news from Ten Feet Away. A. Whitney Brown delivers a Big Picture commentary on Earth Day.


The Nude Talk ShowNote: The schedule board in the background lists two shows that were sketches on other episodes of “SNL” – “Dukakis After Dark” and “The Insane Idiot.”

Recurring Characters: Al Goldstein.

The DinerSummary: Sexual tensions run high when a brash waitress (Jan Hooks) takes the order of a drifting cowboy (Alec Baldwin).


The B-52’s perform “Channel Z”

Middle-Aged ManRecurring Characters: Middle-Aged Man.


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Rob Lowe: 03/17/90: The Arsenio Beckman Show

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 15

Search Now: In Association with

89o: Rob Lowe / The Pogues

The Arsenio Beckman Show

Arsenio Beckman…..Rob Lowe
Linda Blair…..Victoria Jackson

Announcer: It’s time for “The Arsenio Beckman Show”, starring Arsenio Beckman. Tonight, Arsenio’s guest are: from “The Exorcist”, actress Linda Blair; and hot vinyl recording artist, Kool Ice Kold Soda. And now, let’s bang a gong, come on everybody, shake that groove thing for your party maestro, Arsenio-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o Beckman!

[ Arsenio steps out to his overly excited crowd, performing a series of weird chants to hype the audience up ]

Arsenio Beckman: I tell ya, man.. this is better than doin’ the Wild Thing! [ audience screams excitedly ] That’s my gang over there! That’s my gang over there! Man.. you know.. there is some wild stuff goin’ on out there! [ audience screams ] Did you hear what happened.. on the news today? [ audience screams ] I mean.. yeah.. yeah.. that was crazy, the news. You know what else? How about the way.. how about the way people dance, you know? [ Arsenio and his audience demonstrate the funny way people dance ] These people know what I’m talking about! Oh, that’s right! Coem on, give it up! Stand up! Give it up! [ the audience stands up and chants with Arsenio ] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! People at home are saying.. [ tenses up ] ..”What the hell is this?!” Did you see what was on the front page of the “Enquirer” today? [ audience says “No” ] Susan, can we put that thing.. that thing. Can we put it up there?

[ show headline: “Human Toothpick To Marry” – audience screams ]

Now.. we’ve got a most wonderful show. A sexy, sexy lady.. Linda Blair! [ audience screams ] And some guys that I know.. I’ve been talking to them backstage – and I know you know who they are, because I’ve been talkin’ to them backstage – let’s give it up for Kool Ice Kold Soda! [ audience screams ] Okay! We’ve got a good one go-in’, so let’s.. get.. row-in’! [ Arsenio takes his seat at his chair next to the sofa ]

Before I get started, I gotta take care of some business now. I am not trying in any way to take anything away from Arsenio Hall. You know? I mean, Arsenio – man – he’s the best! I mean, he set the standard.. he.. uh.. he showed the way! But I can’t be Arsenio Hall – I can only be Arsenio Beckman! And, besides, I’ve got my own party goin’! [ audience screams ] Okay! Okay! We’re gonna bring her out now! Won’t you please, please.. I’m gettin’ a little excited here! [ audience screams ] But not that little! [ laughs with his screaming audience, the lies sideways across his chair, eliciting more screams from the bouncing audience ] Okay, okay! She’s a sexy, sexy lady! Let’s clean it out for Linda Blair! [ Linda struts across the stage and sits on the sofa across from Arsenio ] Ah, yes, yes, yes, oh yes, Linda! Linda Blair, yes, oh yes! [ touches her knee ] You did a movie – “The Exoricst”. Great film, great motion picture! Now, what.. what was it like to be possessed?

Linda Blair: I don’t know. Why don’t you possess me, and find out?

[ audience screams and jumps in the aisle ]

Arsenio Beckman: [ blushing ] Oh, man! No, no, no, no.. I like your outfit, but I gotta say one thing – it doesn’t look too comfortable there!

[ audience screams, starts tossing one another in the air ]

Linda Blair: I’d probably be more comfortable on the floor. [ sits on the floor, audience screams ]

Arsenio Beckman: Well, then, that’s just fine. I’ll just lay like this, how’s this? [ lays on floor next to her with legs in the air, audience screams ] Now, I heard.. somewhere.. somebody was saying something about you doin’ a film with somebody or somethin’.. what’s that all about?

Linda Blair: Well, I just did a film, that’s coming out, called “Revenge of the Nerds IV”.

Arsenio Beckman: Yeah, yeah.. nerds.. yeah.. ‘Cause that’s what I’ve been talking about is, you know, nerds, and the way people dance, you know? Some people, you know, they dance like this.. [ demonstrates a nerdy dance, as the audience screams and joins in ]

Announcer: Don’t leave your seat, we’ll be right back with more Arsenio-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o Beckman!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts