SNL Transcripts: Andrew Dice Clay: 05/12/90: Ridiculous Bull



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 19




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89s: Andrew Dice Clay / Spanic Boys, Julee Cruise

Ridiculous Bull

Jake La Motta…..Andrew Dice Clay
Joey La Motta…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: And now, from the makers of “Raging Bull”, another episode of “Ridiculous Bull.”

[ open on black-and-white setting: Jake La Matta sitting at the kitchen table with his back to the camera. Joey La Matta is standing. ]

Jake La Motta: Joey. You make a good sandwich, Joey.

Joey La Motta: [ pleased ] Thanks, Jake. [ steps over to the kitchen sink ]

Jake La Motta: You make a good sandwich. Hey, Joey! You can clean up later. Come sit down, Joey. Come sit down, we got twenty minutes before the ball game. [ Joey sits ] You look really good, Joey, you know?

Joey La Motta: Thanks, Jake!

Jake La Motta: You know, Joey, can I ask you a favor?

Joey La Motta: Yeah, sure.

Jake La Motta: If I asked you a favor, you would do it, wouldn’t you?

Joey La Motta: Yeah, sure, whattaya want?

Jake La Motta: Alright, do me a favor, Joey. Hit me in the face.

Joey La Motta: What?

Jake La Motta: Hit me in the face, Joey.

Joey La Motta: Come on, let’s go to the game.

Jake La Motta: Joey, hit me in the face. I’m your older brother, I’m askin’ you to do something.

Joey La Motta: Oh, come on, Jake! What’s it gonna prove?!

Jake La Motta: What’s it gonna prove? Two things: I’m nuts, and you got a lifelong thing about gettin’ me down! Now hit me in the face!

Joey La Motta: [ whining ] But I don’t wanna hit you in the face!

Jake La Motta: Joey, hit me —

[ Joey reaches across the table and punches Jake in the face ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey punches harder ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey punches harder ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey punches harder ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey punches harder ]

Jake La Motta: You see, Joey? I’m still standin’!

Joey La Motta: Alright, let’s go to the game —

Jake La Motta: You see that, Joey? Alright, Joey, do me a favor, alright?

Joey La Motta: What?

Jake La Motta: Break the plate over my head, Joey. [ Joey looks more surprised than before ] Do me a favor, break the plate over my head.

Joey La Motta: Oh, come on!

Jake La Motta: Hit me with the plate! I’m askin’ ya, I’m your brother, Joey —

Joey La Motta: But — [ he stands ]

Jake La Motta: Hit me, Joey. Hit me with the plate!

[ Joey smashes a plate over Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder, Joey!

[ Joey smashes another plate over Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey smashes another plate over Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Pick up the glass, Joey!

[ Joey smashes a glass over Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Pick up the glass!

[ Joey smashes another glass over Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Pick up the glass, Joey!

[ Joey smashes another glass over Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: You see, Joey? [ he stands, as Joey hits one last glass across his head for good measure ] You see? I’m still standin’, Joey! [ walks away from Joey ]

Joey La Motta: Yeah, okay.

Jake La Motta: I’m still standin’, Joey! Do me a favor, Joey.

Joey La Motta: What? [ more anxious than ever to leave for the game ]

Jake La Motta: Pick up the bat, Joey.

Joey La Motta: Wh-what?!

Jake La Motta: Pick it up, Joey!

Joey La Motta: [ picks up the bat ] You’re crazy!

Jake La Motta: I’m crazy, huh?

Joey La Motta: Come on, Jake!

Jake La Motta: I’m crazy, right? Hit me with the bat!

Joey La Motta: I don’t want to hit with the bat!! [ he his Jake with the bat anyway ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey hits Jake harder with the bat ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey hits Jake harder with the bat ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey hits Jake harder with the bat ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey hits Jake harder with the bat ]

Jake La Motta: You see, Joey? Look at me, Joey, I’m still standin’! You’re never gonna get me down, Joey! You ain’t never gonna get me down, Joey!

Joey La Motta: Come on!

Jake La Motta: Joey, you’re my brother, right?

Joey La Motta: Yeah.

Jake La Motta: You want to do me a favor? Pick up the bowling ball, Joey.

Joey La Motta: [ frustrated ] It’s ridiculous!

Jake La Motta: Hit me with the bowling ball, Joey.

Joey La Motta: But — come on, let’s go to the game!

Jake La Motta: Pick it up or I’ll kill ya’, Joey! I’m tellin’ ya, you’re gonna make me snap, Joey! Hit me with the bowling ball!

Joey La Motta: But, Jake, I really don’t — [ smashes the bowling ball on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Smash my skull in, Joey!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Smash my skull in with the bowling ball!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball harder on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball harder on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball harder on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball harder on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: You see, Joey! Look at me, Joey! I’m still standin’, huh?

Joey La Motta: Can we go to the game now —

Jake La Motta: Joey, pick up the sledgehammer, Joey!

Joey La Motta: Oh, come on!

Jake La Motta: Pick up the sledgehammer, Joey! I’m goin’ crazy, Joey!

Joey La Motta: [ picks up the sledgehammer ] Jake, what’s it gonna prove?!

Jake La Motta: Smash my skull in with the sledgehammer, Joey! I’m tellin’ ya – smash my skull in!

Joey La Motta: I ain’t gonna do it!

Jake La Motta: Smash — You ain’t gonna do it?

Joey La Motta: I ain’t gonna do it!

Jake La Motta: You ain’t gonna do it?

Joey La Motta: I ain’t gonna do it!

Jake La Motta: I’m your older brother, I’m tellin’ ya’ – smash my head in, Joey!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer at Jake, hitting only his nose ]

Jake La Motta: You see, that, Joey! You can’t even hit me no more! [ backs up a step ] [ Joey swings the sledgehammer at Jake, barely grazing his chest ]

Jake La Motta: You missed me, Joey, you see what I’m sayin’!

[ Jake smugly turns his back on Joey, who promptly takes the opportunity to smash the sledgehammer across the back of his head ]

Jake La Motta: You see what I’m — heeyy, heeyy, Joey! Ohh, you’re crazy, now, huh?

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer menacingly ]

Jake La Motta: Joey, pick up the microwave, Joey!

Joey La Motta: [ confused, puts down the sledgehammer ] Pick up the what?

Jake La Motta: Pick up the microwave, I ask of you!

Joey La Motta: Microwave?! It’s —

Jake La Motta: Pick up the —

Joey La Motta: [ exasperated ] It’s 1948!!

Jake La Motta: I know it is, but we got a microwave! Pick it up, Joey!

[ Joey relunctantly crosses over to the kitchen counter and picks up an anachronistically-challenged microwave ]

Jake La Motta: [ hovers over of Joey ] Pick up the microwave.

Joey La Motta: [ points the microwave at Jake ] Hey. You got a spot on your shirt.

Jake La Motta: I got a spot on my shirt?

Joey La Motta: Yeah.

Jake La Motta: I got a spot on my shirt?

Joey La Motta: Yeah, that’s right.

[ as Jake looks down, Joey busts the microwave over Jake’s head. It takes two strikes, but Jake’s head passes right through the micrwoave, which crumbles around him ]

Jake La Motta: You see, Joey!

Joey La Motta: Jake!

Jake La Motta: Look at me, Joey! I’m still standin’, Joey! [ Joey pushes the microwave remnants off Jake’s shoulders ] I’m still standin’, Joey, huh!

Joey La Motta: I gotta go!

Jake La Motta: You think you’re gonna get — you wanna go? You wanna go? You wanna do me a favor? Pick up the refridgerator, Joey.

Joey La Motta: Aw, come on!

Jake La Motta: Smash my skull in with the refridgerator, Joey!

Joey La Motta: I’ll get a hernia!

Jake La Motta: I’m your brother! I’m tellin’ ya’, Joey, I’m your brother!

Joey La Motta: You’re nuts!

Jake La Motta: Hit me with the refridgerator!

[ Joey struggles to lift the heavy refridgerator ]

Jake La Motta: Look at ya’! Look at ya’! look at you! [ Joey begins to raise the refridgerator off the ground ] Smash my head in with the refridgerator!

Joey La Motta: I’m gonna kill you!!

Jake La Motta: Go ahead! hit me with the refridgerator!

[ Joey taps the side of the refridgerator across Jake’s head, as pots and pans fall from the top ]

Jake La Motta: Come on, Joey!

[ Joey taps the side of the refridgerator across Jake’s head again ]

Jake La Motta: Harder! Harder!

[ the refridgerator now splits open, and Jake passes right through it ]

Jake La Motta: You see that, Joey! Look at me, Joey! Look at me! See! See, I’m still —

Joey La Motta: Your cuts are openin’!

Jake La Motta: My cuts — I love you, Joey! Get over here, you’re my brother! [ he hugs Joey ] Alright, you wanna go to the ball game? Huh?

Joey La Motta: Yeah.

Jake La Motta: You wanna go to the ball game?

Joey La Motta: Can we go?

Jake La Motta: Huh? You wanna go to the ball game?

Joey La Motta: Let’s go.

Jake La Motta: Alright.

Joey La Motta: Don’t forget to shut the window!

Jake La Motta: Alright.

[ Jake turns to face the window, then stops and stares at it for an extended moment ]

Joey La Motta: Are you comin’?

Jake La Motta: Joey. Come here a minute.

Joey La Motta: [ steps forward ] What do you want, Jake?

Jake La Motta: You’re my brother, right?

Joey La Motta: Yes.

Jake La Motta: You do me a favor?

Joey La Motta: Sure.

Jake La Motta: Throw me out the window, Joey?

Joey La Motta: [ exasperated ] What? What’s it gonna prove?!

Jake La Motta: Two things: I’m nuts, and you got a lifelong thing about gettin’ me down. Now, t’row me out the window!

Joey La Motta: But we’re on the first floor!

Jake La Motta: We’re on the first floor, huh? [ wraps his arm around Joey ] Let’s go to the roof, Joey.You’re crazy!

[ they exit the kitchen ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andrew Dice Clay: 05/12/90: Dad, What’s Sex?



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 19








Search Now: In Association with Amazon.com


89s: Andrew Dice Clay / Spanic Boys, Julee Cruise

Dad, What’s Sex?

Dad…..Andrew Dice Clay
Timmy…..Mike Myers
Martin Stokely…..Phil Hartman

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: NBC is proud to present an Afterschool Special, with Andrew Dice Clay:

[ dissolve to secodn title card ]

“Dad, What’s Sex?”

[ dissolve to exterior, suburban house, as Dad waters the lawn, holding the hose and nozzle in an abrupt phallic manner ] [ Timmy runs into scene and starts up the front steps ]

Timmy: Hi, Dad.

Dad: Hey, Timmy. Hey! Hold on. What’s that long look in your face, huh?

Timmy: Oh, it’s nothing, Dad.

Dad: [ puts the hose away ] Hey, come on. Come down here, you can talk to your old man. Siddown. [ they both sit on the steps ] What’s the matter?

Timmy: Dad. What’s sex?

Dad: [ a beat ] Well, what brings that up?

Timmy: Well. The other kids at school were laugihng and giggling about it, like it was dirty. What is it?

Dad: Well, let me tell ya’ something, Timmy – I don’t know why those kids are laughing. Because there’s nothin’ dirty about — there’s nothin’ more beautiful, more wholesome.. or more natural.. than poontang.

Timmy: Really?

Dad: Absolutely. You see.. Mother Nature has given Man a thing we – we refer to as the dong. He gave me one, and.. He gave you one.

Timmy: Uh-huh?

Dad: And, to women, he gave something.. called the honeypot.

Timmy: But, why?

Dad: Well, it’s because when a man and woman love each other very much, they wanna show it. And the way they do that is by.. strappin’ it on. You know what I mean?

Timmy: [ confused ] I think so. Is that like what Scruffy does to my leg?

Dad: Yeah. Only, not as often.

Timmy: I don’t think I’m ever gonna have sex.

Dad: Oh, I think one day you’ll really be wanting some poontang.

Timmy: Well.. how will I know when I’m ready?

Dad: Oh, you’ll know. Pretty son, you’ll be gettin’ some pubes. Next thing you know, you’ll pop a boinger or two, you know? And you’ll be thinkin’ about givin’ someone that nice baloney pony. You know what I’m sayin’?

Timmy: [ shakes his head, smiling ] No way!

Dad: Hey, look, look, look – Timmy, Timmy – come on, you’re my kid. Right? Don’t feel pressured into poontang. When you’re ready for poontang.. poontang will be ready for you.

Timmy: It will?

Dad: Oh, yeah. And, remember – you have to act responsibly with a chick, you know what I’m sayin’? You don’t want to knock her up. You don’t want to give her your real name. Your real address. Your real phone number. And always wear a raincoat on the fireman, if you know what I’m sayin’. Has this helped you at all?

Timmy: Yeah! Thanks, Dad!

Dad: That’s my boy. Anything else you wanna know?

Timmy: Well, I did have one more question.

Dad: [ motions his arms for the question to come pouring out ] Shoot.

Timmy: [ smiles ] Do you think the Mets have a chance this year? [ laughs ]

Dad: That’s my boy! Go do your homework.

Timmy: Okay!

[ Timmy runs into the house, as Dad retrieves his hose and begins to abruptly water the lawn again ] [ title card overlays ]

Announcer: And now, in response to “Dad, What’s Sex?”, is Martin Stokely of Planned Parenthood.

[ dissolve to Martin Stokely standing at center of screen ]

Martin Stokely: Well, we at Planned Parenthood agree, more or less, with the message of Mr. Clay’s Afterschool Special, we take exception to the use of certain words or phrases. For instance, we object to the word.. dong. We feel that a more appropriate word is.. talleywhacker. Also, instead of honeypot.. possibly, a better phrase would have been.. the vertical smile. Or.. the silk igloo. And, is poontang really the proper way to describe.. nookie? We don’t think so. However, we do appreciate the fact that the word boinger was used correctly. Thank you, NBC.

[ screen is overlapped with a page wipe, to reveal the Cheers ‘N’ Jeers page of TV Guide ] [ dissolve to close-up of a Cheers article on “Saturday Night Live”, with the summary: ]

Announcer: “Cheers to Saturday Night Live for a skit in which a father thoughtfully explains sex to his son. Although we didn’t see the skit, we feel… wait a minute! We were tricked! ‘Jeers’ to Saturday Night Live! ‘Jeers’!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts