Hillary Algar…..Candice Bergen
Garth: Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your excellent host – Wayne Campbell!
Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, it’s time to party! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.
Garth: Party on, Wayne!
Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay! Before I bring out our first guest – Garth and I go see movies, right? And from time to time, we review them. So, right now, we’d like to present another installment of.. “Wayne & Garth’s Movie World!”
Wayne: Okay! Let’s go to the movies!
Wayne: Alright! The first movie is “Pretty woman”, with that totally excellent babe Julia Roberts! Grrrrrrrrowwwwllll!! I thought it was excellent – she’s magically delicious!
Garth: I agree! I thought she was excellent! She’s such a babe, it hurts – owwww..
Wayne: You’re right, Garth! You know, they should introduce stern legislation to curb such dangerous levels of babacity! Alright, the next movie. “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, starring.. some turtles. Didn’t see it. Garth?
Garth: No, I didn’t see it. You know, you just can’t get in, there’s too many turtleheads!
Wayne: Good call! good call! Okay, the next movie. “The Hunt For Red October”, starring Sean Connery. Garth?
Garth: I really liked it, it was scary.
Wayne: I rather liked it – not!
Wayne: Okay, to be fair, you know, I really couldn’t pay attention, because I was sitting beside this guy – this mental case. He kept sniffing his fingers the whole time.
Garth: No way!
Wayne: Telling! Okay! The last movie is.. “Opportunity Knocks”, starring Dana Carvey. I thought it was funny. Garth?
Wayne: Okay! Extreme Close-Up![ camera zooms in individually on Wayne and Garth’s faces, as they scream maniacally ]
Garth: Excellent close-up!
Garth: Good close-up!
Wayne: Okay! Last week, as you know, was Mother’s Day, right? So, in keeping with that spirit, let’s bring out our first guest, alright? You all know her as Garth’s mom – please welcome Mrs. Hillary Algar, Garth’s mom!
“Wayne’s World!Wayne’s World!Party time!Excellent!Owww!!”
Wayne: [ extremely smitten ] Welcome to “Wayne’s World”, Mrs. Algar!
Hillary Algar: Well.. thanks, Wayne! Hi, Garth.
Garth: [ shy ] Hi, Mom!
Wayne: Mrs. Algar, I just have to say it – for a mom, you’re a fox!
Hillary Algar: Oh, thank you, Wayne!
Wayne: No, I’m serious! I’m serious. You’re such a fox.. you should be on the FOX Network!
Hillary Algar: Really.. you’re embarrasing me!
Wayne: In France, you would be known as “La Renard” – The Fox! In England, you would be hunted by the aristocracy with only your cunning to protect you!
Garth: Hey, Wayne, that’s my mom you’re talking about!
Wayne: I’m sorry, Garth – sorry – but you got a babe for a mom! You’re such a lucky duck!
Garth: [ meekly ] She’s just my mom.
Wayne: Alright, Mrs. Algar – you’re married to Beev, right?
Hillary Algar: That’s right.
Wayne: [ to the point ] Why?
Hillary Algar: Because I love him.
Wayne: Okay, but.. I mean, here’s a picture of you.. [ holds up a stunning photo of Mrs. Algar ] Grrroowwlll!! Alright? And, here’s a picture of Beev. [ holds up a nerdy photo of Garth’s dad, Beev ] Contrast and compare. The man’s a dweeb! How can a dweeb like him be married to a fox like you?
Garth: Just shut up! Just shut up, Wayne! That’s my dad you’re talking about!!
Wayne: Alright! Take a pill! Geesh! Don’t have a harry about it!
Hillary Algar: Listen, Wayne, don’t call my husband a dweeb, you gimp! [ slaps Wayne ]
Wayne: [ pleased ] The fox came to fight! Alright, you’re right, okay.. Beev’s a nice man. I just got carried away.
Hillary Algar: Well, let’s talk about something else, okay?
Wayne: Alright. The summer’s coming up.
Hillary Algar: Perfect. What are you doing this summer?
Wayne: Well.. I’m gonna join the pool.. and then, later on, I’m gonna do Outward Bound. Garth?
Garth: [ taken by surprise ] Um.. my-my-my dad and I, we’re gonna go to, um.. computer camp, for a month..
Wayne: A whole month?
Wayne: Just you and your dad?
Wayne: And your mom’s not going?
Wayne: Really?[ Wayne frantically waves his hands, falling into a fantasy sequence ] [ Wayne’s fantasy sequence becomes reminiscent of “Summer of ’42”, as he enters the Algar summer cabin carrying large bags of groceries, with Hillary by his side ]
Wayne: Where would you like me to put these groceries, Mrs. Algar?
Hillary Algar: Oh.. on the table is fine, and.. please.. call me Hillary. I’ll get my purse.
Wayne: Sure, Hillary![ Wayne puts the groceries down ]
Hillary Algar: Look, Wayne, I.. can’t thank you enough for carrying those heavy shopping bags all the way from the store. Why.. what with Beev and Garth away at computer camp.. I could really use a man around here.[ ]
Wayne: Well.. you know.. if you ever need anything, just call me. Okay?
Hillary Algar: Wayne, those bags are so heavy, and that store so far away.. please let me give you some money.
Wayne: [ manly ] I wouldn’t dream of it, Hillary.
Hillary Algar: Well.. at least stay and have a cup of coffee. You are old enough to drink a cup of coffee, aren’t you, Wayne?
Hillary Algar: I was just checking.
Wayne: [ dramatic pause ] I’m old enough.
Hillary Algar: How do you like your coffee?
Wayne: I like my coffee like I like my women.
Hillary Algar: Really? How’s that?
Wayne: Milk and two sugars.
Hillary Algar: What does that mean?
Wayne: I don’t know.
Hillary Algar: You’re sweet. [ grabs a letter from the mail, and begins to read it ]
Garth Voiceover: “Dear Mom. Beev and I are having so much fun, we’re staying an extra month. Love, Garth!”
,br>[ Hillary begins to weep ]
Wayne: Hillary? What’s wrong?
Hillary Algar: It’s just that it’s.. been so hard these past weeks with.. Beev and Garth away at computer camp. I feel so very alone![ Hillary falls into Wayne’s arms, as the familiar “Theme From Summer of ’42” pots up ]
Hillary Algar: Dance with me, Wayne.
Wayne: O-kay..[ Hillary and Wayne begin to dance in a circle around the kitchen, with Hillary’s head on Wayne’s shoulder; each time Wayne slowly turns to face the camera, he gives an assured thumbs-up ] [ suddenly, Garth waves his arms and falls into Wayne’s fantasy sequence ]
Wayne: Garth! What are you doing here?! This is my dream sequence!
Garth: [ points gun at Wayne ] That’s my mom, you pig!
Wayne: Garth! No!
Garth: [ shoots gun at Wayne ] Kaboo-oo-oommmm!!
Wayne: [ screaming as he faux dies ] Blood, blood, blood! Sinew! Entrails! Blood, blood, blood, blood![ Wayne falls out of his fantasy sequence, back into his basement show set ]
Garth: Wake up, Wayne! Wake up! Wake up, Wayne!
Wayne: Garth, don’t be mad at me!!
Garth: For what?!
Wayne: [ sees that he’s back safe in the basement ] Oh, good! It was all a dream! [ notices that the grocery bags from his fantasy are on the floor by the couch ] Or was it?! Who-o-o-o-o-oa-oa-aahhh!! That’s all the time we have this week! Hillary, I love you!
Hillary Algar: I love you, too, Wayne.
Wayne: [ surprised ] Really?
Hillary Algar: Fished in!
Garth: Alright! Good one, Mom! Excellent!
Wayne: Give me a tetnus, I just got a major fox bite! Okay! Until then – party on, Garth!
Garth: Party on, Wayne!
Wayne: Alright! “Wayne’s World![ title up, to fade ]