Kevin Nealon: Hi, I’m Kevin Nealon. Earlier you heard from my fellow cast member, Jan Hooks about her objection to Andrew Dice Clay hosting tonight’s show. Well her form of protest, walking through sketches is uh, certainly valid. I’ve chosen a different means of expressing my outrage. Tonight, I am refusing to appear in all but three sketches. I feel that by doing only three sketches, and really scoring in those three, I would make more of a statement than by appearing in 6 or 7 sketches in small supporting roles. Now I know this stance may not be “popular”, but as a comedian, I’ve never particularly cared about popularity. I just want you to like me. I’m Kevin Nealon.
A Special Message From The President Of The United States
President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
President George Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, in the past, when I’ve spoken to you from this office here, the news has always been good. Not bad – good! The Berlin Wall, the collapse of Communism, that Noriega thing over there – good, good, good! [ laughs ] It’s no wonder I’m up around that 80% approval area.
But now, tonight, the news I have to bring to you – not good. It’s kind of bad! Maybe after you hear it, my approval rating will slip down to 75%! [ laughs ] A little joke there for ya! Now, during my campaign for President, certain things were said. Things like “Read my lips.. no.. new.. taxes.” Now, when I said it, I meant it. I meant all three words. I meant “No”; I meant “New”; I meant “Taxes”. I meant ’em all! But situations change.. Spring becomes Summer; summer days become cloudy up there; sincere growth projections prove overly optimistic. Expenditures have continued to grow.. [ tilts his hand ] Up here.. right there, those little expenditures, right in that area. Revenues remain flat.. [ places other hand below first hand ] ..right down here. See this gap here? That’s what I wanna talk about, this budget deficit. The most frightening thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Right here! [ hands are positioned so as to appear to be holding an invisible box ] Doesn’t go away. You can move it.. [ moves his hands all around, maintaining same shape ] Still the same size – flip it, turn it, throw it up, do anything you want.. [ moves his hands all over, keeping the shape intact ] ..don’t think I haven’t tried – still there! You can move it – move it in and out, results are always the same.
We’ve got that debt thing happening – we need cash. Sort of boggles my mind, but don’t fear. I’ve got a plan. I’ve got a good plan. Gonna tell ta right now. Not avoiding it. Gonna come at ya with it, ready to tell you. Let the telling begin. Gonna come out with it! Here it comes! gonna tell ya – not afraid! Read my lips: I’m.. I’m gonna.. I’m gonna ra.. I’m gonna ra-ra.. I’m gonna ra-raise.. I’m gonna raise.. [ hyperventilates ] I’m gonna rai.. [ stutters ] t-t-t-t.. t-t-t-tax-es.. There! I said it, loud and clear.
Now, you might ask me, who’s the money gonna come from? Could tax the poor; haven’t got the money – wouldn’t work! The rich – tax ’em all you want, they’re slippery suckers! The incorporate meal deductions – they’ll laugh at ya! Don’t want to be laughed at by a tax lawyer down there, doing that laughter thing he does. That leaves us with the beautiful middle class – dependable, always there, family people. Don’t know about keeping receipts, don’t have a lot of paper laying around. Solid people. Don’t think we don’t love you, you little taxpayers! [ laughs ] Now, of course, the Democrats are gonna urge a big tax increase – 8, 10, 12% – nah.. ga.. do it! I’m talking 3, 4% tops – no more than 5 – that’s it! So read my lips: No.. huge.. new.. taxes.
So, to sum up: Berlin Wall down; Communism collapsing; Noriega behind bars; gap! [ holds shape with hands again ] Dan Quayle still gaining acceptance; no huge new taxes. That’s right – “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Ni-i-i-i-i-ight!
Candice Bergen: Thank you very much! Thank you. You know, the first time I hosted “Saturday Night Live” was fifteen years ago, in November of 1975. Since then, I’ve always looked forward to hosting because this was the first show that allowed me to do comedy. Of course, now I have my own show, “Murphy Brown”. So, I really don’t need this show any more. Then, why am I here? Well, last Fall, they asked me to appear on the 15th Anniversary special. I sent them a nice note and said I would love to, but was really busy with my show, “Murphy Brown”. Which, at the time, was going into its second season, now a third. And I said, “Let’s do something later, maybe at the end of the season.” Who would have thought they would remember? So, here I am. And tonight, I want to do something very special for you. Because when I host, I host.
[ music plays ]
Male Chorus: [ singing ]“Candy! Ooh, Candy! Candy!”
Candice Bergen: [ singing ]“Just let me make one thing clear This will be one hot night. So let me do my thing here Inside a hot spotlight.
Everything will be dandyIf you leave it to CandyHey, worldI’m hosting!
Male Chorus: [ singing ]“She’s.. got.. some.. Help from the boys She’s got the band near And if we make too much noise Just tell them Candy’s here! ‘Cause she’s out of her cloister The world is her oyster.”
Male Chorus: [ singing ]“She’s the Easter parade A one-woman Thanksgiving Day! She lights up the sky Like the Fourth of July”
Candice Bergen: [ singing ]“I’m hosting, dammit! Get out of my way!”
[ music break ]
Male Chorus: [ singing ]“So bring her champagne We’re gonna pop the cork. ‘Cause Candy got on a plane And came back here to New York. She’s not here for the money She just ame to be funny And she’ll do what it takes to get laughs!”
Candice Bergen: [ singing ]“Going out of my head over you Going out of my head just for you Out of my head Day and night, night and day and night Wrong or right I’m hosting!”
Male Chorus: [ singing ]“Candy! Candy! Candy!”
Candice Bergen: I’m hosting!
We have a great show. Notting Hillbillies are here, and we’ll be right back!
Lyle Clarke…..Dana Carvey Brenda Clarke…..Victoria Jackson Spunky’s Owner…..Candice Bergen
Jingle: “Toonces the Driving Cat The Cat who could drive a car. He drives around all over the town Toonces the Driving Cat!”
Announcer: “Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car.” Tonight: “Toonces’ Arch Enemy – Spunky”.
[ dissolve to interior, living room, as Toonces and his owners, Lyle and Brenda Clarke, watch home videos with Spunky and his owner ]
Spunky’s Owner: These are really nice home videos.
Lyle Clarke: Thanks!
Brenda Clarke: Oh, look! Here we are at the Grand Canyon!
Lyle Clarke: Oh, yeah.. Toonces was driving that day!
[ footage shows Toonces driving the car over the edge of the Grand Canyon ]
Spunky’s Owner: The Grand Canyon is really deep!
Lyle Clarke: Yeah! Yeah, tell us about it.
Brenda Clarke: Yeah.
Lyle Clarke: Hmm.
Brenda Clarke: Oh! Here we are at Carmel!
Lyle Clarke: Mmm. Yeah.
Brenda Clarke: Oh, that’s Toonces coming to pick us up.
[ footage shows Toonces driving the car over a cliff ]
Lyle Clarke: [ chuckles ]
Spunky’s Owner: Carmel is so pretty, isn’t it?
Lyle Clarke: It sure is. Oh! Now, here we are at Niagra Falls!
[ footage shows Toonces driving the car over the falls ]
Lyle Clarke: What a view we had that day – thanks to Toonces!
Spunky’s Owner: Ohh..
[ footage shows Toonces as a kitten driving a toy car around in the driveway ]
Lyle Clarke: Oh, how did this get in here? That was Toonces when he was a kitten!
Brenda Clarke: Oh! He liked to drive even then!
Lyle Clarke: Oh, there he goes!
[ Kitten Toonces drives over a wall ]
Lyle Clarke: Awww.. Well.. that’s all. I sure hope you enjoyed it.
Spunky’s Owner: I sure did! And I have an an-nunce-ment!
Brenda Clarke: What is it?
Spunky’s Owner: I know that your cat Toonces can drive.
Lyle Clarke: Well, yes.. just not very well.
Spunky’s Owner: Well, my cat Spunky just finished Driving School!
Lyle Clarke: Really?
Brenda Clarke: Wow!
Spunky’s Owner: Yep! Here’s his report card.
Lyle Clarke: [ examining it ] Wow! Look at those grades!
Spunky’s Owner: He got a A+ in Driving, an A+ in Conduct, an A+ in Attendance, an A+ in Punctuality.. and an extra A+ for helping clean erasers after class!
Brenda Clarke: It sounds like he’s a good driver!
Lyle Clarke: And how!
Spunky’s Owner: Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s have Spunky take us for a drive!
The Clarkes: Yeah!!
Spunky’s Owner: We’ll go home and get ready!
Brenda Clarke: Okay!
Lyle Clarke: Bye-bye!
Brenda Clarke: Bye, Spunky!
Lyle Clarke: Bye, Spunky!
[ Spunky and his owner exit the Clarke household ]
Toonces: [ growls menacingly ]
[ dissolve to interior, Spunky’s house; Spunky is in the bathroom getting himself ready ]
Spunky’s Owner: Spunky? Are you getting ready?
Spunky: [ meows ]
Spunky’s Owner: Don’t forget to wear your nice tie!
Spunky: [ meows ]
[ camera focuses on Spunky’s reflection in the mirror, where, suddenly, Toonces appears from behind, and covers Spunky’s face with a rag of chloroform ]
[ dissolve to the drive, later that afternoon, with what appears to be Spunky driving the car for his owner and the Clarkes ]
Spunky’s Owner: What a lovely day for a drive.
Lyle Clarke: It certainly is.
Brenda Clarke: Yeah. and Spunky is driving so well!
Spunky’s Owner: Yes! Did you see, back at that turn, how he used his signal, and put out his paw?
Brenda Clarke: Yeah, I noticed that!
Lyle Clarke: But he.. he seems to be driving worse now..
[ “Spunky” begins to swerve the car along the road ]
Brenda Clarke: He’s getting wreckless!
Spunky’s Owner: [ worried ] Spunky, what’s wrong?
Lyle Clarke: Hey! Hey, wait a minute! Something’s wrong here..
[ Lyle reaches over the seat to pull off Toonces’ fake Spunky mask ]
Everyone: It’s Toonces!!
Spunky’s Owner: But where’s Spunky?
[ quick cut to show Spunky tied and gagged in his bathroom back at home ]
[ quick cut back to Toonces driving everyone in the car ]
Everyone: Look out, Toonces!! Look out!!
[ once again, the car topples over a cliff ]
Jingle: “He drives around all over the town Toonces the Driving Cat!”
Garth: Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your excellent host – Wayne Campbell!
Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, it’s time to party! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.
Garth: Party on, Wayne!
Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay! Before I bring out our first guest – Garth and I go see movies, right? And from time to time, we review them. So, right now, we’d like to present another installment of.. “Wayne & Garth’s Movie World!”
Together: “Movie World! Party time! Party time! Excellent!”
Wayne: Okay! Let’s go to the movies!
Wayne: Alright! The first movie is “Pretty woman”, with that totally excellent babe Julia Roberts! Grrrrrrrrowwwwllll!! I thought it was excellent – she’s magically delicious!
Garth: I agree! I thought she was excellent! She’s such a babe, it hurts – owwww..
Wayne: You’re right, Garth! You know, they should introduce stern legislation to curb such dangerous levels of babacity! Alright, the next movie. “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, starring.. some turtles. Didn’t see it. Garth?
Garth: No, I didn’t see it. You know, you just can’t get in, there’s too many turtleheads!
Wayne: Good call! good call! Okay, the next movie. “The Hunt For Red October”, starring Sean Connery. Garth?
Garth: I really liked it, it was scary.
Wayne: I rather liked it – not!
Wayne: Okay, to be fair, you know, I really couldn’t pay attention, because I was sitting beside this guy – this mental case. He kept sniffing his fingers the whole time.
Garth: No way!
Wayne: Telling! Okay! The last movie is.. “Opportunity Knocks”, starring Dana Carvey. I thought it was funny. Garth?
Wayne: Okay! Extreme Close-Up!
[ camera zooms in individually on Wayne and Garth’s faces, as they scream maniacally ]
Garth: Excellent close-up!
Garth: Good close-up!
Wayne: Okay! Last week, as you know, was Mother’s Day, right? So, in keeping with that spirit, let’s bring out our first guest, alright? You all know her as Garth’s mom – please welcome Mrs. Hillary Algar, Garth’s mom!
Wayne: Mrs. Algar, I just have to say it – for a mom, you’re a fox!
Hillary Algar: Oh, thank you, Wayne!
Wayne: No, I’m serious! I’m serious. You’re such a fox.. you should be on the FOX Network!
Hillary Algar: Really.. you’re embarrasing me!
Wayne: In France, you would be known as “La Renard” – The Fox! In England, you would be hunted by the aristocracy with only your cunning to protect you!
Garth: Hey, Wayne, that’s my mom you’re talking about!
Wayne: I’m sorry, Garth – sorry – but you got a babe for a mom! You’re such a lucky duck!
Garth: [ meekly ] She’s just my mom.
Wayne: Alright, Mrs. Algar – you’re married to Beev, right?
Hillary Algar: That’s right.
Wayne: [ to the point ] Why?
Hillary Algar: Because I love him.
Wayne: Okay, but.. I mean, here’s a picture of you.. [ holds up a stunning photo of Mrs. Algar ] Grrroowwlll!! Alright? And, here’s a picture of Beev. [ holds up a nerdy photo of Garth’s dad, Beev ] Contrast and compare. The man’s a dweeb! How can a dweeb like him be married to a fox like you?
Garth: Just shut up! Just shut up, Wayne! That’s my dad you’re talking about!!
Wayne: Alright! Take a pill! Geesh! Don’t have a harry about it!
Hillary Algar: Listen, Wayne, don’t call my husband a dweeb, you gimp! [ slaps Wayne ]
Wayne: [ pleased ] The fox came to fight! Alright, you’re right, okay.. Beev’s a nice man. I just got carried away.
Hillary Algar: Well, let’s talk about something else, okay?
Wayne: Alright. The summer’s coming up.
Hillary Algar: Perfect. What are you doing this summer?
Wayne: Well.. I’m gonna join the pool.. and then, later on, I’m gonna do Outward Bound. Garth?
Garth: [ taken by surprise ] Um.. my-my-my dad and I, we’re gonna go to, um.. computer camp, for a month..
Wayne: A whole month?
Wayne: Just you and your dad?
Wayne: And your mom’s not going?
[ Wayne frantically waves his hands, falling into a fantasy sequence ]
[ Wayne’s fantasy sequence becomes reminiscent of “Summer of ’42”, as he enters the Algar summer cabin carrying large bags of groceries, with Hillary by his side ]
Wayne: Where would you like me to put these groceries, Mrs. Algar?
Hillary Algar: Oh.. on the table is fine, and.. please.. call me Hillary. I’ll get my purse.
Wayne: Sure, Hillary!
[ Wayne puts the groceries down ]
Hillary Algar: Look, Wayne, I.. can’t thank you enough for carrying those heavy shopping bags all the way from the store. Why.. what with Beev and Garth away at computer camp.. I could really use a man around here.
Wayne: Well.. you know.. if you ever need anything, just call me. Okay?
Hillary Algar: Wayne, those bags are so heavy, and that store so far away.. please let me give you some money.
Wayne: [ manly ] I wouldn’t dream of it, Hillary.
Hillary Algar: Well.. at least stay and have a cup of coffee. You are old enough to drink a cup of coffee, aren’t you, Wayne?
Hillary Algar: I was just checking.
Wayne: [ dramatic pause ] I’m old enough.
Hillary Algar: How do you like your coffee?
Wayne: I like my coffee like I like my women.
Hillary Algar: Really? How’s that?
Wayne: Milk and two sugars.
Hillary Algar: What does that mean?
Wayne: I don’t know.
Hillary Algar: You’re sweet. [ grabs a letter from the mail, and begins to read it ]
Garth Voiceover: “Dear Mom. Beev and I are having so much fun, we’re staying an extra month. Love, Garth!” ,br>[ Hillary begins to weep ]
Wayne: Hillary? What’s wrong?
Hillary Algar: It’s just that it’s.. been so hard these past weeks with.. Beev and Garth away at computer camp. I feel so very alone!
[ Hillary falls into Wayne’s arms, as the familiar “Theme From Summer of ’42” pots up ]
Hillary Algar: Dance with me, Wayne.
[ Hillary and Wayne begin to dance in a circle around the kitchen, with Hillary’s head on Wayne’s shoulder; each time Wayne slowly turns to face the camera, he gives an assured thumbs-up ]
[ suddenly, Garth waves his arms and falls into Wayne’s fantasy sequence ]
Wayne: Garth! What are you doing here?! This is my dream sequence!
Garth: [ points gun at Wayne ] That’s my mom, you pig!
Wayne: Garth! No!
Garth: [ shoots gun at Wayne ] Kaboo-oo-oommmm!!
Wayne: [ screaming as he faux dies ] Blood, blood, blood! Sinew! Entrails! Blood, blood, blood, blood!
[ Wayne falls out of his fantasy sequence, back into his basement show set ]
Garth: Wake up, Wayne! Wake up! Wake up, Wayne!
Wayne: Garth, don’t be mad at me!!
Garth: For what?!
Wayne: [ sees that he’s back safe in the basement ] Oh, good! It was all a dream! [ notices that the grocery bags from his fantasy are on the floor by the couch ] Or was it?! Who-o-o-o-o-oa-oa-aahhh!! That’s all the time we have this week! Hillary, I love you!
Hillary Algar: I love you, too, Wayne.
Wayne: [ surprised ] Really?
Hillary Algar: Fished in!
Garth: Alright! Good one, Mom! Excellent!
Wayne: Give me a tetnus, I just got a major fox bite! Okay! Until then – party on, Garth!
Bob Odenkirk Sex Tape WorriesSummary: As President George Bush (Dana Carvey) addresses the nation with the promise of not gloating, Rob Lowe worries that the audience will hate him because of the sex tape.
Alexander: Hello! I’m Alexander Johnson, of Alexander’s Fur World. And we’re havin our year-end, better-off-dead sale. Furs, furs, furs! Choose from hundreds of full-length minks. Every one of these animals was raised in the lap of luxury, and, I’m sorry to say, committed suicide due to personal problems..
[ SUPER: “Depressed Minks” ]
And that’s not all! We have a fabulous collection of evil, murdering, vicious coyotes – every one a confirmed sheep and bunny killer convicted by a jury of environmentalists, and executed under humane conditions. Believe me, they’re better off dead.
Also, review our selection of reatarded beavers..
[ SUPER: “Retarded Beavers” ]
These poor animals were unable to cope with the complex demands of beaver society, and had to be put out of their misery. We have road possums, rabid foxes, and a limited number of filthy, destructive raccoons we found dead by the side of the road..
[ SUPER: “Flattened Raccoons” ]
So come with a clear conscience, and remember: they’re animals, for crying out loud! That’s what they’re there for!
Arsenio Beckman…..Rob Lowe Linda Blair…..Victoria Jackson
Announcer: It’s time for “The Arsenio Beckman Show”, starring Arsenio Beckman. Tonight, Arsenio’s guest are: from “The Exorcist”, actress Linda Blair; and hot vinyl recording artist, Kool Ice Kold Soda. And now, let’s bang a gong, come on everybody, shake that groove thing for your party maestro, Arsenio-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o Beckman!
[ Arsenio steps out to his overly excited crowd, performing a series of weird chants to hype the audience up ]
Arsenio Beckman: I tell ya, man.. this is better than doin’ the Wild Thing! [ audience screams excitedly ] That’s my gang over there! That’s my gang over there! Man.. you know.. there is some wild stuff goin’ on out there! [ audience screams ] Did you hear what happened.. on the news today? [ audience screams ] I mean.. yeah.. yeah.. that was crazy, the news. You know what else? How about the way.. how about the way people dance, you know? [ Arsenio and his audience demonstrate the funny way people dance ] These people know what I’m talking about! Oh, that’s right! Coem on, give it up! Stand up! Give it up! [ the audience stands up and chants with Arsenio ] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! People at home are saying.. [ tenses up ] ..”What the hell is this?!” Did you see what was on the front page of the “Enquirer” today? [ audience says “No” ] Susan, can we put that thing.. that thing. Can we put it up there?
[ show headline: “Human Toothpick To Marry” – audience screams ]
Now.. we’ve got a most wonderful show. A sexy, sexy lady.. Linda Blair! [ audience screams ] And some guys that I know.. I’ve been talking to them backstage – and I know you know who they are, because I’ve been talkin’ to them backstage – let’s give it up for Kool Ice Kold Soda! [ audience screams ] Okay! We’ve got a good one go-in’, so let’s.. get.. row-in’! [ Arsenio takes his seat at his chair next to the sofa ]
Before I get started, I gotta take care of some business now. I am not trying in any way to take anything away from Arsenio Hall. You know? I mean, Arsenio – man – he’s the best! I mean, he set the standard.. he.. uh.. he showed the way! But I can’t be Arsenio Hall – I can only be Arsenio Beckman! And, besides, I’ve got my own party goin’! [ audience screams ] Okay! Okay! We’re gonna bring her out now! Won’t you please, please.. I’m gettin’ a little excited here! [ audience screams ] But not that little! [ laughs with his screaming audience, the lies sideways across his chair, eliciting more screams from the bouncing audience ] Okay, okay! She’s a sexy, sexy lady! Let’s clean it out for Linda Blair! [ Linda struts across the stage and sits on the sofa across from Arsenio ] Ah, yes, yes, yes, oh yes, Linda! Linda Blair, yes, oh yes! [ touches her knee ] You did a movie – “The Exoricst”. Great film, great motion picture! Now, what.. what was it like to be possessed?
Linda Blair: I don’t know. Why don’t you possess me, and find out?
[ audience screams and jumps in the aisle ]
Arsenio Beckman: [ blushing ] Oh, man! No, no, no, no.. I like your outfit, but I gotta say one thing – it doesn’t look too comfortable there!
[ audience screams, starts tossing one another in the air ]
Linda Blair: I’d probably be more comfortable on the floor. [ sits on the floor, audience screams ]
Arsenio Beckman: Well, then, that’s just fine. I’ll just lay like this, how’s this? [ lays on floor next to her with legs in the air, audience screams ] Now, I heard.. somewhere.. somebody was saying something about you doin’ a film with somebody or somethin’.. what’s that all about?
Linda Blair: Well, I just did a film, that’s coming out, called “Revenge of the Nerds IV”.
Arsenio Beckman: Yeah, yeah.. nerds.. yeah.. ‘Cause that’s what I’ve been talking about is, you know, nerds, and the way people dance, you know? Some people, you know, they dance like this.. [ demonstrates a nerdy dance, as the audience screams and joins in ]
Announcer: Don’t leave your seat, we’ll be right back with more Arsenio-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o Beckman!