Don Pardo voiceover: Last week, NBC News emphasized the use of sanctions and urged restraint in the confrontation with Iraq. Here with an opposing viewpoint is Mr. Subliminal.
[dissolve to Mr. Subliminal sitting behind a desk]
Mr. Subliminal: What should the U.S. do about Saddam Hussein? Lobotomy. One strategy has been the congressional approved economic sanctions — waste of time — because obviously, nobody wants war. Republicans. According to President Bush…according to President Bush, nothing is more important than human lives. Oil. But I think to avoid war…I think in order to avoid war, we need to give Hussein a face-saving way to leave Kuwait. Body bag. And I have to say…[cheers and applause] in all honesty…I’ve got to say President Bush is showing a lot of patience. Pussyfooting. And now he’s finally…set a deadline for January 15th. Bunch of crap. And if Mr. Hussein…if Mr. Hussein promises to pull out — fat chance — we should give him a chance. You know, we got to take him at his word as we would anyone else. Milli Vanilli. And at least he’s…[cheers and applause] he’s agreed…he’s agreed to release all the hostages — big deal — and all in all, folks, I gotta say the important thing to remember is world peace. Nuke ’em. To maintain it, the – the – the U.S. may just have to make a sacrifice — Dan Quayle — and if there is a war…[cheers and applause] if there’s a war, it’s comforting to know that we’ll be getting help from our allies. Candyasses. And then we’d have to answer…we’d have to answer the question: What’s the best weapon to use to topple a power-hungry megalomaniac like Hussein? Marla Maples. And if you’re listening…if you’re listening, Mr. Hussein — pervert — I personally think that you should find something better to do with your time. 7-Eleven. And then maybe the rest of us…the rest of us can get back to enjoying our lives. Hot sex. So, in…in this joyous season of giving — receiving — I think it’s important to remember in the long run — Live from New York — everything will turn out okay. It’s Saturday night.
[dissolve to “Saturday Night Live” opening sequence]
Announcer: Good evening, and welcome again to “PumpingUp With Hanz & Franz”, the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.
Together: Welcome! We’re back!
Hans: Alright. Once again, I am Hans…
Franz: And I am Franz. And we just want to…
Together: pump… [They clap]…you up!
Franz: Alright, first of all, lets clear something up. You know, many people have accused us of being involved with steroids.
Hans: Ja. They are right! But let me explainto us, those steroids are something different!
Franz: Ja. They are the people who stop on the street and stare at our amazing pumpitude!
Hans: Hence, we call them Steroids!
Franz: Alright. Enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to…
Together: pump… [They clap]…you up!
Franz: You know, the big news this summer is, our cousin Arnold is coming out with a new blockbuster action movie. Doesnt surprise us.
Hans: Ja. You know, Arnold is sure to beat out all the competition from these other second-rate action-movie stars!
Franz: ie, Sylvester Stallone, Rambo, Rocky You know, all those guys!
Hans: That’s right, you knowCharles Bronson Pinchot, all of them! You know, its a laugh to even compare them to Arnold! Look at me, Franz; I am laughing!
Franz: Ja! So am I, Hans!
[They laugh on, oblivious to the presence of Steven Seagal who has just walked up behind them and simply stands there]
Hans: Ja, we are laughingAnd what about this guy, Steven Seagal?
Franz: Ja! Hear me now and believe me later Arnold could easily rip Steven Seagals skinny little arms off and use them as dental floss!
Hans: Ja, unwaxed! [They mime flossing their teeth, then suddenly notice Seagal for the first time] Mr. Seagal! I didnt see you!
Steven Seagal: I couldnt help overhearing what you guys were saying, you know
Hans: Oh, youre so quiet; how long were you back there? We were just talking
Steven Seagal: Look, fellaslets not confuse the issue here. I dont wanna compare myself to these other stars; theyre great and everything like that. But what I do is unique You see, I followZen.
Hans: Oh, we know Zen. First we lift a barbell
Franz: Zen we lift another
Hans: Zen another
Franz: Zen another and Zen another
Hans: …And Zen another
Franz: And Zen we are done.
Steven Seagal: Nah, I dont think you guys understand what Im talking about; maybe I could demonstrate. Id like to hold my little finger out and let you guys push on it.
Franz: AhWell, before you make this rash decision, maybe you should see what youre up against.
Hans: Ja. Take a look, Steven
[Hans and Franz flex their muscles superiorly, although Seagal seems impressed]
Hans & Franz: [adlibs of Now what do you think about that?]
Steven Seagal: Looks to me like you guys are, like, really constipated; maybe you could drink some prune juice or something. I dont know who taught you that stuff, but it looks kind of silly. You know what Im saying?
Hans: All right, put it out Go! [Seagal holds out the little finger on his right hand; Hans and Franz proceed to push on it but cant budge it an inch] All rightPush, Franz!
Franz: I am pushing, Hans! But Stevens baby finger is too strong!!
Hans: Its a Super-Baby-Finger!! [They stop to catch their wind] Im very impressed, Mr. Seagal; maybe we misjudged you.
Franz: Ja, maybe youre not a girlie-man after all, Mr. Seagal.
Steven Seagal: Sure thing; anytime, fellas Just try and remember the Zen of things, okay? Have a nice one.
Franz: Ahcertainly, Mr. Seagal. Good day. [Seagal departs]
Hans: You know, Franz, Stevens pinkie has taught us a great lesson.
Franz: Ja, maybe there would be a better way to pummel a girlie-man than muscle against flab.
Hans: Fist against poop-filled diaper.
Franz: Are you thinking what Im thinking ?
[Segue into the Pumping Up opening sequence, but with the life-size cutouts of Arnold Schwarzenegger replaced by those of Steven Seagal. Moreover, Hans and Franz both wear ponytails and black leather jackets;they also talk in Seagal-like monotones]
Together: Welcome. Were back.
Hans: Once again, Im Hans.
Franz: Ja, and Im Franz.
Togeter: And we just want to pump [They lightly bring the tips of their pinkies together] you up.
[Segue back to the Pumping Up set as we know it, with the life-size Arnold Schwarzenegger cutouts]
Hans: On second thought, I would hate to use just my pinkie and not the rest of these god-like muscles!
Franz: Ja! Me too, exactly! Mind over matter is great, but lets not forget muscle over matter!
[They flex some more, then ]
Together: Live from New York, its Saturday [Theyclap] Night!
Nat X…..Chris Rock Andrew Dice Clay…..Steven Seagal Sandman…..Chris Farley
Announcer: Live, from Compton, CaliforniaIt’s “TheDark Side With Nat X”. The only show on TV written bya brother, produced by a brother, and strictly for thebrothers! Now, get ready for a man whos so black,hes worth his weight in oilstep back, ’cause herecomes Nat!
Nat X: Peace, brothers and sisters! Im Nat X andwelcome to the Dark Side, the only 15-minute show onTV! Why only 15 minutes? Because if the man gave meanything less, it would be a commercial! I think weall know who the man is! Im talking about the sameman who calls a white mouse a pet and feeds it cheese,and calls a black mouse a rat and tries to kill it!Im talking about the same man who invented the gameof pool: a game in which the player uses a white balland a stick to knock a bunch of colored balls off atable and into a bunch of holes!
Alright, y’all. It’s about time for Viewer Mail!Sandman! Come on out here and read me a letter!
[Sandman the Clown enters and takes a seat]
Sandman: Tonights letterDear Nat, you seem like avery tense man. What do you do to relax?
Nat X: Well, I like to go bowling. Theres nothinglike taking that big black ball and knocking it intothose ten white pins with the red necks!
[Suddenly camera zooms in on Nat, with siren sound effects]
Oh, no! Here it come! There go the White-Man Cam! Getoutta here! Get outta here!!
[Graphic image of jail bars appear in front of Nat, ashe mimes being in prison]
Thats how you want me! But youre not gonna get me!Thats what you wanna see! Thats what you wanna see!!The White-Man Cam! You know, I haven’t had that muchfun since Aunt Jemima took that rag off her head!
And now its time for the Top Five List! Why five?Because ten would make the man loose sleep! Tonight:The Top Five Reasons the L.A. Cops Beat Up Rodney King.
Reason #5: They hate paperwork.
Reason #4: They thought he was Mexican.
Reason #3: They were trying to impress Jodie Foster.
Reason #2: They were upset over the portrayal of whitepeople on In Living Color.
And the #1 Reason the L.A. Cops Beat up Rodney King:They just saw New Jack City.
And that’s the Top Five! Our first guest tonight isone of the most controversial comedians in thecountry. Please welcome Andrew Dice Clay!
[Dice enters set]
Dice: Its a beautiful thang!
Nat X: Sit yo white ass down.
[Dice takes a seat]
Dice: How ya doin Nat. Its great to be on your show here.
Nat X: Glad you could make it, Mister Dice! Iunderstand you got a lot of free time on your handssince Adventures of Ford Fairlaine.
Dice: What are you talkin about? Ford Fairlaine wasone of the greatest movies ever made! And I kick any[expletives deleted] you could name that didnt makethat kinda money!
Nat X: [holds up a VHS copy] Well, Im not sayin itwas a bomb, but last week the Ku Klux Klan tied one ofthese under my car!
Dice: It wasnt my fault; it was the critics, ya know!Theyre just a bunch of over-[more expletives deleted]
Nat X: So whats next for you? You got a movie cominout this summer? How about next summer?
Dice: Nah, but Im amazin anyway!!
Nat X: Okay, Cracker Boy, I got a nursery rhyme foryou: There once was a whitey named Dice, Who lookedlike Fonzie on steroids blah blah blah blah, blah blahblah blah, my big black foot in yo ass!
[Close music starts up]
Nat X: Wow! I guess our 15 minutes is up! Check us outnext week, with Stupid White People Tricks. Peace!
Police Chief: Tenelli, Ive had about all I can stand of your kind of police work. Improper searches, beatings, suspects, ever heard of a little thing called the Bill of Rights? Now Ive got the ACLU up my behind and the DA has to throw out these indictments! [slams paper on desk]
Nico Tenelli: I caught these two guys with three kilos of cocaine, what do you think they were doing with it, making chalk for girls softball games?
Police Chief: Nico, as long as Im running this department, everybody has civil rights, including drug dealers. And just to make sure you get the picture, Tenelli, Im taking you off the streets. I want your badge and I want your gun. Well see how tough you are sitting behind a typewriter. [Tenelli hands over his badge] Is that clear? [Tenelli hands over his gun]
Nico Tenelli: Yeah, its clear. [leaves the office]
Police Officer #1: Welcome to the trenches, Nico. [hands him a paper]
Nico Tenelli: What you want me to do with this?
Police Officer #1: Make three copies, file one, send two to headquarters.
Nico Tenelli: Let me see your head [strokes her hair and heads toward the door to the copy room]
Police Officer #2: Well, a little less action than youre used to, huh Nico?
Nico Tenelli: Yeah. [shoves him to the ground and enters the copy room, where he begins to make copies]
Richmeister: Nico! Nico Tenelli, the Tenellimeister, all right! Detective Tenelli, makin copies, the Tenellinator!
Nico Tenelli: Hey Rich.
Richmeister: Tenellitola! The guy who breaks the rules, the rule breakster!
Nico Tenelli: Yeah, Im just trying to make a couple copies, now let me
Richmeister: Nico Nicopolis!
Nico Tenelli: Do me a favor, shut up, all right?
Richmeister: Nico, the lone wolf! El lobo solo!
Nico Tenelli: Im not in the mood for this, you know?
Richmeister: All right, Nico. Not in the mood! Bad moon for the Niguana!
Nico Tenelli: Listen to me, Im serious, I think youd better shut up now, you know what Im saying?
Richmeister: [singing in an operatic tone] Nickski!
Nico Tenelli: [walking Richmeister to copy machine] Come here, man, come here, I just want to show you what Im thinking [shoves Richmeister into copy machine, knocking it over]
Richmeister: Oh no, the Richmeister, thrown through the copy machine! Possible concussion for the Rich-Man! [Tenelli shoves him again] Nico, losing control! [Tenelli hangs Richmeister outside of the window by his ankles] All right!
Nico Tenelli: Now, listen to me
Richmeister: Nico, got me by my ankles! The anklemeister!
Nico Tenelli: Listen to me carefully. I dont want you to talk about anything to me anymore, I dont want you to say my name anymore, you hear me?
Richmeister: Everythings upside down! Topsy turvy world for the Rich-Man! [Tenelli brings Richmeister back into the copy room]
Nico Tenelli: I dont want you to talk to me no more, you got it?
Richmeister: All right! Nico, coolest cop on the force, hangin out with the Rich-Man! Nico!
Wife: [ entering house ] When I started back to work, there were not enough hours in the day. It seemed that life was divided between my job and my family. I was exhausted and run-down. So I asked my doctor hat to do, and he recommended this.. [ holds up package ] .. Balz-off.
Husband: Hi, honey! I got off work early, so I came straight home and fixed dinner. But don’t get up – just relax!
Wife: Non-prescription Balz-Off is safe, gentle to the stomach, and it works.
Husband: Here you go.
Wife: Why, thank you, honey!
Husband: Can I get you anything else?
Wife: [ as phone rings ] You can get the phone!
Husband: Sure, I’d love to. [ answers phone ]
Wife: Balz-off’s time-release formula last a full twenty-four hours. Two Balz-off tablets with breakfast, and he’s home all evening and glad to be there.
Husband: [ covers mouthpiece of phone ] It’s your mother.
Wife: I don’t want to talk to her.
Husband: She’s busy. Oh, no problem, I would love to take you to the florist.
Wife: It’s easy to use, and it’s effective. Here’s how Balz-off works: [ over silhoette of human male ] Hormonal signals build up here, in the freedom center. These signals are sent to the brain, where they cause pressure and confusion. Balz-Off effectively blocks these signals, eliminating problem behavior before it reaches the brain.
Husband: Dinner’s on the table.
Wife: Thanks. Hey.. isn’t tonight your poker night.
Husband: Yeah, but.. that’s just an excuse to drink beer, smoke big, smelly cigars and talk about women. I don’t think I need that.
Wife: Oh, honey, I’m so proud of you.
Announcer: New, prescription-strength Balz-Off. In regular, and new Italian strength.
Jack Handey V/O: He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, “Dust to dust,” some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, “I’ll be waiting for you in heaven – with a gun.”
Donna Pearl…..Victoria Jackson Frank Sinatra…..Phil Hartman Sammy Davis, Jr……Tim Meadows
Donna Pearl: Hi! i’m Donna Pearl. Moviegoers are flocking to see the re-release of the 1960 epic, “Spartacus”. This restored version includes a controversial nude bathing scene, originlaly cut because its homosexual overotnes were considered too racy for 60’s audiences. Soon, ticket-buyers will be able to view another restored classic from 1960 – “Ocean’s 11”, the Vegas heist film, starring Frank Sinatra’s Rat Pack. This new version includes this scene with a young Frank Sinatra, and a young Sammy Davis, Jr.
[ cut to video footage of Frank rubbing Sammy’s back as he lounges in ahot tub ]
Frank Sinatra: Is that too hard?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, man, it’s heaven.
Frank Sinatra: I don’t know.. sitting here with you now – I’ve got some kooky thoughts knocking around in my brain!
Sammy Davis, Jr.: What are you talking about, man?
Frank Sinatra: Your skin.. your skin is like.. what I’m trying to say is.. if you got out of this tub and put on a dress, I’d take you out for the biggest steak you’ve ever seen! So, do I belong in a rubber orom, or what?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, man. Some cats dig chicks, and some catsdig other cats. And if it’s alright with you, then it’s alright with the Man Upstairs.
Frank Sinatra: Hey. Stay in there much longer, and you’re gonnalook like a raisin!
[ Sammy laughs, as Frank wraps him in a towel and sneaks a peek at hislower half – scene zooms off ]
Donna Pearl: This has been Donna Pearl, with a “Hollywood Minute”!