Burger Barn

Burger Barn

Voice on Speaker…..Rob Schneider
Dad…..George Wendt
Mom…..Julia Sweeney
First Son…..Chris Farley
Grandma…..Jan Hooks
Second Son…..David Spade

[ open on suburban family crowded in the family car at the Burger Barn drive-thru ]

Voice on Speaker: Welcome to Burger Barn, how may I help you?

Dad: Uh.. yeah. We would like five burgers, please.

Voice on Speaker: How do you want ’em? They come with mustard, ketchup, pickle and onion.

Dad: That’s what we want.

Mom: Oh, honey, could I get mine without onions, please?

Dad: Okay, alright. One without onions.

First Son: And extra pickles on mine?

Dad: And extra pickles.

Voice on Speaker: So, one with no onions and extra pickles?

Dad: No.. no. Three lal the way, one with no onions, one all the way with extra pickles.

Voice on Speaker: Alright.

Dad: And five Cokes.

Voice on Speaker: What size?

[ family starts talking all at once ]

Dad: MEDIUM!! Medium, please.

Grandma: I don’t want a Coke, I want a glass of water.

Dad: Okay, four medium Cokes, one glass of water.

Voice on Speaker: I can give you the water, but I’ll have to charge you for a Coke.

Dad: Alright. I’ll pay for it.

Voice on Speaker: How about fries?

Dad: Uh.. yeah! Make it five orders of fries.

Grandma: Uh, well, if he’s gonna charge you for a Coke anyway, I’ll just have a Coke..

Dad: Okay, okay.. make it five medium Cokes, and just forget the water.

Second Son: [ pointing ] Hey, Dad, look! If you order a Buster Burger, the fries come with it! And that’s cheaper than a regular hamburger and fries!

Dad: [ thinking ] Wait a minute.. wait a minute..

Voice on Speaker: Yes, sir?

Dad: Uh, yeah.. make it five Buster Burgers, three all the way, one without onions, one with onions and extra pickles, and that all comes with fries, right?

Voice on Speaker: Yes, sir. And with lettuce and tomatoes.

Dad: Good. Well, put it on all five.

Mom: Honey, if I’m getting lettuce and tomatoes, then I don’t want mustard.

Dad: Okay, hold on here, we have a change.. We want five Buster Burgers, two all the way, one all the way with extra pickles, one with ketchup, pickle, lettuce and tomatoes, and one with mustard, ketchup, pickle and onions..

Voice on Speaker: Okay.

Grandma: Excuse me. Excuse me, but I’m just thinking – if I’m having a cola, I can’t have red meat. Now, it’s just gonna be too much acid in my stomach. Can I get a piece of fish, or something?

Dad: Alright, alright.. cancel one of the all the way Buster Burgers, and give me a fish sandwich..

Grandma: Without fries.

Voice on Speaker: It comes with fries – no charge.

Dad: Oh. Well, wait a minute.. [ turns around ] Uh, who has the burger without lettuce?

Second Son: I do, I do, Dad!

Dad: Okay, bear with me one minute: give me three Buster Burgers, one all the way with extra pickles, one with ketchup, pickles, lettuce and tomatoes, one fish sandwich, and one regular burger with mustard, ketchup, pickle and tomatoes.. [ turns around ] And when the order gets here, you can have Grandma’s french fries.

Second Son: Cool!

Dad: Okay!

Grandma: I can’t eat fried foods..

Mom: Well, Mother, the fish is fried!

Grandma: What?! Well, then, can I just get a couple slices of bread?

Voice on Speaker: What’s that?!

Dad: Uh.. can we cancel the fish, and get two pieces of bread, please?

Voice on Speaker: We don’t have bread. I can give you a bun.

Dad: Fine! Fine!

Voice on Speaker: But I’ll have to charge you for a fish sandwich.

Dad: Well.. hey, why don’t you charge me for a burger?! It’s cheaper!

Voice on Speaker: I thought the old lady wanted a fish sandwich?

Dad: Well.. she wants a burger now! You got that? [ silence ] Hello?

Voice on Speaker: I’m confused..

Dad: Okay.. Three Buster Burgers! One all the way. One all the way with extra pickles! One with ketchup, pickles, lettuce and tomatoes! One regular burger with mustard, onions, pickles and ketchup! One burger plain, with no meat..!

First Son: Dad! If Grandma doesn’t get her fish sandwich, then Doug doesn’t get any fries.

Dad: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!! Hold it! Hold it, hold it! Cancel the burger!

Voice on Speaker: Uh.. would you people, maybe, like to come in..? Take all the time you want, you know, maybe visit our salad bar..

Mom: [ excited ] Oh, a salad bar!

[ everyone in the car starts talking all at once ]

Dad: No! No! NOOOOOOO!!! Okay, starting OVER!! FIVE burgers with EVERYTHING!! FIVE medium COKES!! THE END!!

Voice on Speaker: Right. $11.65. Please drive around.

Mom: [ chipper ] Well, see, there you are! That was easy, wasn’t it?

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts



Carsenio…..Dana Carvey
Ed McMahon…..Phil Hartman
…..George Wendt

Announcer: From NBC Studios, in Burbank, California, it’s time for “The Carsenio Show”, starring Carsenio. And now, let’s bang a gong and shake that groove thing for your party maestro! He-e-e-e-e-ere’s Carsenio!

[ the studio audience whoops and hollars as Carsenio takes the floor ]

Carsenio: This is, uh.. this is fun! This is wild stuff! Did you see this, Ed? [ raises his arm ] You just go “Whoop, whoop, whoop..!” [ audience mimics his actions ] ..and they go crazy! It’s just weird, wild stuff!

Ed McMahon: Ha ha ha! Yes!

Carsenio: Just “Whoop, whoop, whoop!” and that’s it. Alright,alright.. my name is Carsenio, and this is going to be a party!

Ed McMahon: Ha ha ha! You are correct, sir, yes!

Carsenio: Alright, now let me ask you folks something.. have youever noticed how white guys hold themselves down there? What isthat about? I mean, what are they holding down there, anyway? And have you ever noticed when white people dance? Is that wild?

Ed McMahon: Yes!

Carsenio: They simply have got No rhythm! Okay, okay..everybody chill.. Now, some of you may have heard rumors that I was sort of on my out. Well, I had a talk with the network, and let’s just say that this homeboy intends to be around for a while!

Ed McMahon: Not going anywhere, no sir!

[ studio audience “Whoop, whoop, whoops” ]

Carsenio: Alright, alright.. Now, we made a few changes, a fewlittle tweaks here and there.. [ holds up his index finger ] I had thisfinger elongated. When you’re around 29 years, you shouldn’tbe afraid to make a few little adjustments, you know, for the young people..

Ed McMahon: Young America, yes sir!

Carsenio: Ed? Ed, have you noticed? Look who’s hanging out in the doghouse tonight – my man, Tom Kite! He is kicking butt on the PGA tour! Alright, alright.. we’ve got some critical guests tonight. Doc? You wanna give me a bass groove over there? [ music plays, as Carsenio starts to groove ] Nice! That is sweet! Sweet stuff! Oh, that’s nice! Buddy Hackett is in my house! Right here! Joan Embery is in my house! Alright, we’ve got a hot one, so let’s get down to business!

[ cut to commercial ]

Announcer: Right after “Carsenio”, stay up for “Ed McMahon’s Party Machine”!

Ed McMahon: [ dancing ] Ha ha ha! Tonight: Bell Biv Devo! Ha ha ha!

Announcer: “Ed McMahon’s Party Machine”!

Ed McMahon: Yes!

[ cut back to “Carsenio” ]

Carsenio: Alright, alright.. that’s is nice. We are back! Boy,does that sound fine? That is my posse, Ed!

Ed McMahon: Yes!

Carsenio: Did you know that? It’s not called a band anymore, it’s called a “posse”! Weird, wild stuff!

Ed McMahon: That it is, sir, yes! Ha ha ha!

Carsenio: A posse. I did not know that! Now, some of you at home may not understand this lingo, which, earlier today, our staff compiled from the streets. Now, when I said my guests were in my house, what I meant was, in the “studio”.

Ed McMahon: Yes! Ha ha ha!

Carsenio: That is some weird, wild stuff! Now, according to this, an actual house is called a “crib”, but a baby crib is not necessarily called a crib. I did not know that.

Ed McMahon: Not a house, no sir!

Carsenio: No, not a house. It’s a little weird, a little skewed..

Ed McMahon: That is the straight stuff, oh Buckmaster!

Carsenio: Alright.. now, my first guest tonight, you all know. He plays Norm on the #1 show in America – “Cheers”. Let’s churn it up for Mr. George Wendt! [ Carsenio gives George the gangmember handshake and hug as he walks out ] Sit down, sit down! You are my main man! Are you my main man?

George Wendt: [ sitting ] Well, I guess so..

Ed McMahon: Main man, yes! Ha ha ha!

Carsenio: “Cheers”. That is a fresh, fly show. Now, tell me,George, I want to ask you this: how often do you do the Wild Thing?

George Wendt: Johnny, Johnny.. what are you doing here? Are youtrying to change your image? Why don’t you stick to what you do best?

Carsenio: Well, I like to think what I do best is the Wild Thing! [ audience whoops ] Is this dope? Is this dope stuff? Look at this! [ stretches across the cushions and strikes his legs through the air ]

George Wendt: [ pulls Johnny up ] Johnny, come on, now.. I’m concerned about you. A drastic personality change like this can really be very dangerous.

Carsenio: Dangerous? I did not know that? Did you know that, Ed?

Ed McMahon: [ solemn ] Yes.

George Wendt: You shouldn’t feel embarassed, this is rather common among people your age.

Ed McMahon: Secondary Latent Personality Displacement, O Great One, yes!

Carsenio: Well, this is some wild, wacky stuff! I did not knowthat. But what about these people.. [ indicates studio audience ] ..”Whoop, whoop, whoop..”?

George Wendt: Johnny, the truth is.. they’re morons.

Ed McMahon: Morons? Morons? I did not know that. Well, good night, everyone. I’ve got to wrap the show now. We’ll be back in 23 hours – you see how that works? There’s 24 hours, minus 1. Weird, wild stuff!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts