Mr. Subliminal 12/8/90

[fade up to graphic that reads “EDITORIAL REPLY”]

Don Pardo voiceover: Last week, NBC News emphasized the use of sanctions and urged restraint in the confrontation with Iraq. Here with an opposing viewpoint is Mr. Subliminal.

[dissolve to Mr. Subliminal sitting behind a desk]

Mr. Subliminal: What should the U.S. do about Saddam Hussein? Lobotomy. One strategy has been the congressional approved economic sanctions — waste of time — because obviously, nobody wants war. Republicans. According to President Bush…according to President Bush, nothing is more important than human lives. Oil. But I think to avoid war…I think in order to avoid war, we need to give Hussein a face-saving way to leave Kuwait. Body bag. And I have to say…[cheers and applause] in all honesty…I’ve got to say President Bush is showing a lot of patience. Pussyfooting. And now he’s finally…set a deadline for January 15th. Bunch of crap. And if Mr. Hussein…if Mr. Hussein promises to pull out — fat chance — we should give him a chance. You know, we got to take him at his word as we would anyone else. Milli Vanilli. And at least he’s…[cheers and applause] he’s agreed…he’s agreed to release all the hostages — big deal — and all in all, folks, I gotta say the important thing to remember is world peace. Nuke ’em. To maintain it, the – the – the U.S. may just have to make a sacrifice — Dan Quayle — and if there is a war…[cheers and applause] if there’s a war, it’s comforting to know that we’ll be getting help from our allies. Candyasses. And then we’d have to answer…we’d have to answer the question: What’s the best weapon to use to topple a power-hungry megalomaniac like Hussein? Marla Maples. And if you’re listening…if you’re listening, Mr. Hussein — pervert — I personally think that you should find something better to do with your time. 7-Eleven. And then maybe the rest of us…the rest of us can get back to enjoying our lives. Hot sex. So, in…in this joyous season of giving — receiving — I think it’s important to remember in the long run — Live from New York — everything will turn out okay. It’s Saturday night.

[dissolve to “Saturday Night Live” opening sequence]

Balz-Off


Balz-Off

Wife…..Jan Hooks
Husband…..Kevin Nealon


Wife: [ entering house ] When I started back to work, there were not enough hours in the day. It seemed that life was divided between my job and my family. I was exhausted and run-down. So I asked my doctor hat to do, and he recommended this.. [ holds up package ] .. Balz-off.

Husband: Hi, honey! I got off work early, so I came straight home and fixed dinner. But don’t get up – just relax!

Wife: Non-prescription Balz-Off is safe, gentle to the stomach, and it works.

Husband: Here you go.

Wife: Why, thank you, honey!

Husband: Can I get you anything else?

Wife: [ as phone rings ] You can get the phone!

Husband: Sure, I’d love to. [ answers phone ]

Wife: Balz-off’s time-release formula last a full twenty-four hours. Two Balz-off tablets with breakfast, and he’s home all evening and glad to be there.

Husband: [ covers mouthpiece of phone ] It’s your mother.

Wife: I don’t want to talk to her.

Husband: She’s busy. Oh, no problem, I would love to take you to the florist.

Wife: It’s easy to use, and it’s effective. Here’s how Balz-off works: [ over silhoette of human male ] Hormonal signals build up here, in the freedom center. These signals are sent to the brain, where they cause pressure and confusion. Balz-Off effectively blocks these signals, eliminating problem behavior before it reaches the brain.

Husband: Dinner’s on the table.

Wife: Thanks. Hey.. isn’t tonight your poker night.

Husband: Yeah, but.. that’s just an excuse to drink beer, smoke big, smelly cigars and talk about women. I don’t think I need that.

Wife: Oh, honey, I’m so proud of you.

Announcer: New, prescription-strength Balz-Off. In regular, and new Italian strength.

SNL Transcripts