Don Pardo voiceover: Last week, NBC News emphasized the use of sanctions and urged restraint in the confrontation with Iraq. Here with an opposing viewpoint is Mr. Subliminal.
[dissolve to Mr. Subliminal sitting behind a desk]
Mr. Subliminal: What should the U.S. do about Saddam Hussein? Lobotomy. One strategy has been the congressional approved economic sanctions — waste of time — because obviously, nobody wants war. Republicans. According to President Bush…according to President Bush, nothing is more important than human lives. Oil. But I think to avoid war…I think in order to avoid war, we need to give Hussein a face-saving way to leave Kuwait. Body bag. And I have to say…[cheers and applause] in all honesty…I’ve got to say President Bush is showing a lot of patience. Pussyfooting. And now he’s finally…set a deadline for January 15th. Bunch of crap. And if Mr. Hussein…if Mr. Hussein promises to pull out — fat chance — we should give him a chance. You know, we got to take him at his word as we would anyone else. Milli Vanilli. And at least he’s…[cheers and applause] he’s agreed…he’s agreed to release all the hostages — big deal — and all in all, folks, I gotta say the important thing to remember is world peace. Nuke ’em. To maintain it, the – the – the U.S. may just have to make a sacrifice — Dan Quayle — and if there is a war…[cheers and applause] if there’s a war, it’s comforting to know that we’ll be getting help from our allies. Candyasses. And then we’d have to answer…we’d have to answer the question: What’s the best weapon to use to topple a power-hungry megalomaniac like Hussein? Marla Maples. And if you’re listening…if you’re listening, Mr. Hussein — pervert — I personally think that you should find something better to do with your time. 7-Eleven. And then maybe the rest of us…the rest of us can get back to enjoying our lives. Hot sex. So, in…in this joyous season of giving — receiving — I think it’s important to remember in the long run — Live from New York — everything will turn out okay. It’s Saturday night.
[dissolve to “Saturday Night Live” opening sequence]
Wife: [ entering house ] When I started back to work, there were not enough hours in the day. It seemed that life was divided between my job and my family. I was exhausted and run-down. So I asked my doctor hat to do, and he recommended this.. [ holds up package ] .. Balz-off.
Husband: Hi, honey! I got off work early, so I came straight home and fixed dinner. But don’t get up – just relax!
Wife: Non-prescription Balz-Off is safe, gentle to the stomach, and it works.
Husband: Here you go.
Wife: Why, thank you, honey!
Husband: Can I get you anything else?
Wife: [ as phone rings ] You can get the phone!
Husband: Sure, I’d love to. [ answers phone ]
Wife: Balz-off’s time-release formula last a full twenty-four hours. Two Balz-off tablets with breakfast, and he’s home all evening and glad to be there.
Husband: [ covers mouthpiece of phone ] It’s your mother.
Wife: I don’t want to talk to her.
Husband: She’s busy. Oh, no problem, I would love to take you to the florist.
Wife: It’s easy to use, and it’s effective. Here’s how Balz-off works: [ over silhoette of human male ] Hormonal signals build up here, in the freedom center. These signals are sent to the brain, where they cause pressure and confusion. Balz-Off effectively blocks these signals, eliminating problem behavior before it reaches the brain.
Husband: Dinner’s on the table.
Wife: Thanks. Hey.. isn’t tonight your poker night.
Husband: Yeah, but.. that’s just an excuse to drink beer, smoke big, smelly cigars and talk about women. I don’t think I need that.
Wife: Oh, honey, I’m so proud of you.
Announcer: New, prescription-strength Balz-Off. In regular, and new Italian strength.
Jack Handey V/O: He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, “Dust to dust,” some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, “I’ll be waiting for you in heaven – with a gun.”
Donna Pearl…..Victoria Jackson Frank Sinatra…..Phil Hartman Sammy Davis, Jr……Tim Meadows
Donna Pearl: Hi! i’m Donna Pearl. Moviegoers are flocking to see the re-release of the 1960 epic, “Spartacus”. This restored version includes a controversial nude bathing scene, originlaly cut because its homosexual overotnes were considered too racy for 60’s audiences. Soon, ticket-buyers will be able to view another restored classic from 1960 – “Ocean’s 11”, the Vegas heist film, starring Frank Sinatra’s Rat Pack. This new version includes this scene with a young Frank Sinatra, and a young Sammy Davis, Jr.
[ cut to video footage of Frank rubbing Sammy’s back as he lounges in ahot tub ]
Frank Sinatra: Is that too hard?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, man, it’s heaven.
Frank Sinatra: I don’t know.. sitting here with you now – I’ve got some kooky thoughts knocking around in my brain!
Sammy Davis, Jr.: What are you talking about, man?
Frank Sinatra: Your skin.. your skin is like.. what I’m trying to say is.. if you got out of this tub and put on a dress, I’d take you out for the biggest steak you’ve ever seen! So, do I belong in a rubber orom, or what?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, man. Some cats dig chicks, and some catsdig other cats. And if it’s alright with you, then it’s alright with the Man Upstairs.
Frank Sinatra: Hey. Stay in there much longer, and you’re gonnalook like a raisin!
[ Sammy laughs, as Frank wraps him in a towel and sneaks a peek at hislower half – scene zooms off ]
Donna Pearl: This has been Donna Pearl, with a “Hollywood Minute”!
Garth: Alright! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your host – Wayne Campbell!
Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, and it’s 10:30, it’s time to party! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.
Garth: Party on, Wayne!
Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay! Alright! It’s Spring, right? The time when a young man’s thoughts turn to those of fancy – ie. Chicks and babes! Alright! So now we’d like to do a salute to the Top Ten Babes Of All Time.
Wayne & Garth: [ on guitars ] “Wayne’s World! Top Ten! Babes Of All Time! Excellent!”
Wayne: Excellent! [ they take out the Top Ten Board ] The Number Ten Babe of All Time..
Garth: Can I pull it?
Wayne: That’s what she said! [ they laugh ] The Number Ten Babe of All Time is.. Julia Roberts.
Garth: What a babe!
Wayne: Good call! Major lippage! Okay.. Number Nine: Elle MacPherson. She’s a MacBabe!
Garth: Yeah! She’s a MacFox!
Wayne: [ raises crotch ] MacSchwing! Number Eight: Josephine Baker.
Garth: Remember: we said of all time.
Wayne: Okay.. you see, Josephine Baker was a babe in the twenties, who, although she was a victim of the prevailing racial morays of her native United States, become the toast of Paree, known primarily for her exotic Banana Dance.
Garth: It’s so obvious!
Wayne: Alright! Number Seven: Betty Rubble. From TV’s “THe Flinstones”.
Garth: Yeah! Even though she’s a cartoon, she’s still a fox!
Wayne: [ raises crotch ] Bamm! Bamm! Okay, Number Six: Farrah Fawcett. She redefined hairstyles for an entire generation of Mall Chicks.
Garth: Alright. Number Five: Irene Ryan – Granny, from TV’s “The Beverly Hillbillies”.
Wayne: Irene Ryan?
Wayne: Well.. I guess we put her there to sort of “clear the palette”, I suppose.
Wayne: Alright. Number Four: Hearther Locklear. Grrrrooowwwwlll!!
Garth: Yeah, double yowl! Major schmooch-schwing action!
Wayne: I’m sorry, I know it’s your Mom, but I’m afraid she’s a babe – [ rasues crotch ] Schwing! Sorry.
Garth: Well.. okay..
Wayne: Number Two: Kim Basinger.
Waybe & Garth: [ singing ] “I don’t want anybody else.. when I think about Kim Basinger I touch myself!”
Wayne: I honestly do! And, lastly, the Number One Babe Of All Time! A native of the Detroit area, you may know her as the Material Girl. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you.. Madonna!
Garth: She’s the Queen of Babelonia!
Wayne: And the beauty of it is, I’ve had her.
Garth: No way!
Garth: Yeah, in your dreams!
[ Wayne and Garth fall into a dream sequence, which lands them into Madonna’s “Justify MyLove” video ]
Garth: [ alone ] Whoa.. Wayne? Wayne, where are you? Wayne!
Wayne: I’m in here, Garth.. [ camera pans over to show Wayne sitting in bed with Madonna ]
Madonna: Hello, Garth. [ blows him a kiss ]
Garth: Oh, my God, it’s Madonna!I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy! Aaaggghhhh!!!
Wayne: Garth! Chil, chill, chill! Come on, take your ritalin! Garth.. we’re in Madonna’s bedroom. Whoa-oa!
Wayne & Garth: [ bowing before Madonna ] We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!Madonna: Okay, shut up! You’re both worthy. Wayne.. do you want to play “Truth Or Dare”?
Wayne: Truth or Dare with me? No way!
Wayne: No way!
Madonna: So.. Truth or Dare?
Madonna: Have you ever made love to women at the same time?
Wayne: Um.. yes?
Madonna: I believe you – not!
Wayne: I might make love to two women at once!
Madonna: Yeah, you might And monkeys might fly out of my butt!
Garth: Good one, Madonna!
Madonna: Thanks, Garth.
Wayne: Okay, okay, okay.. Truth or Dare?
Wayne: Okay. I dare you to make out with me.
Madonna: Okay, Wayne.
[ Madonna pulls Wayne in and starts to kiss him hard. He looks to see other women in the room baring themselves in his direction, then returns to kissing Madinna passionately. Wayne tremors nearby, as Wayne looks up again and notices a strange man in the hall. ]
Wayne: Isn’t that Prince?
Madonna: [ looks over to notice someone else nearby ] Wow.. look at the unit on that guy..
[ we see the guy gyrating, as a close-up reveals it to be Garth ] [ Madonna continues kissing Wayne, as Garth, now in his own clothes, is groped by the women from across the hall. Garth tries to return to reality. ]
Garth: [ jumps onto the bed ] Come on, man! Let’s go!
Wayne: No, Garth! Not yet! Not yet!
Garth: Wayne, it’s too late! Let’s go!
Wayne: No! Not yet! [ he finally gives in to Garth ] Farewell, Madonna!
Madonna: Call me any time, you guys..
Wayne: Good one!
Madonna: Party on, Wayne. Party on, Garth.
Wayne & Garth: Party on, Madonna!
[ the dream fades out ]
Garth: I love her..
Wayne: I love her more..
[ dream fades out, we’re back in Wayne’s basement ]
Wayne: It was all a dream.. [ notices Garth dressed in the “unit” costume ] ..or was it? Whoa-oa!
Garth: [ notices how he’s dressed ] Who-oa!
Wayne: That’s all the time we have this week! Until next time, party on!
Voice on Speaker…..Rob Schneider Dad…..George Wendt Mom…..Julia Sweeney First Son…..Chris Farley Grandma…..Jan Hooks Second Son…..David Spade
[ open on suburban family crowded in the family car at the Burger Barn drive-thru ]
Voice on Speaker: Welcome to Burger Barn, how may I help you?
Dad: Uh.. yeah. We would like five burgers, please.
Voice on Speaker: How do you want ’em? They come with mustard, ketchup, pickle and onion.
Dad: That’s what we want.
Mom: Oh, honey, could I get mine without onions, please?
Dad: Okay, alright. One without onions.
First Son: And extra pickles on mine?
Dad: And extra pickles.
Voice on Speaker: So, one with no onions and extra pickles?
Dad: No.. no. Three lal the way, one with no onions, one all the way with extra pickles.
Voice on Speaker: Alright.
Dad: And five Cokes.
Voice on Speaker: What size?
[ family starts talking all at once ]
Dad: MEDIUM!! Medium, please.
Grandma: I don’t want a Coke, I want a glass of water.
Dad: Okay, four medium Cokes, one glass of water.
Voice on Speaker: I can give you the water, but I’ll have to charge you for a Coke.
Dad: Alright. I’ll pay for it.
Voice on Speaker: How about fries?
Dad: Uh.. yeah! Make it five orders of fries.
Grandma: Uh, well, if he’s gonna charge you for a Coke anyway, I’ll just have a Coke..
Dad: Okay, okay.. make it five medium Cokes, and just forget the water.
Second Son: [ pointing ] Hey, Dad, look! If you order a Buster Burger, the fries come with it! And that’s cheaper than a regular hamburger and fries!
Dad: [ thinking ] Wait a minute.. wait a minute..
Voice on Speaker: Yes, sir?
Dad: Uh, yeah.. make it five Buster Burgers, three all the way, one without onions, one with onions and extra pickles, and that all comes with fries, right?
Voice on Speaker: Yes, sir. And with lettuce and tomatoes.
Dad: Good. Well, put it on all five.
Mom: Honey, if I’m getting lettuce and tomatoes, then I don’t want mustard.
Dad: Okay, hold on here, we have a change.. We want five Buster Burgers, two all the way, one all the way with extra pickles, one with ketchup, pickle, lettuce and tomatoes, and one with mustard, ketchup, pickle and onions..
Voice on Speaker: Okay.
Grandma: Excuse me. Excuse me, but I’m just thinking – if I’m having a cola, I can’t have red meat. Now, it’s just gonna be too much acid in my stomach. Can I get a piece of fish, or something?
Dad: Alright, alright.. cancel one of the all the way Buster Burgers, and give me a fish sandwich..
Grandma: Without fries.
Voice on Speaker: It comes with fries – no charge.
Dad: Oh. Well, wait a minute.. [ turns around ] Uh, who has the burger without lettuce?
Second Son: I do, I do, Dad!
Dad: Okay, bear with me one minute: give me three Buster Burgers, one all the way with extra pickles, one with ketchup, pickles, lettuce and tomatoes, one fish sandwich, and one regular burger with mustard, ketchup, pickle and tomatoes.. [ turns around ] And when the order gets here, you can have Grandma’s french fries.
Second Son: Cool!
Grandma: I can’t eat fried foods..
Mom: Well, Mother, the fish is fried!
Grandma: What?! Well, then, can I just get a couple slices of bread?
Voice on Speaker: What’s that?!
Dad: Uh.. can we cancel the fish, and get two pieces of bread, please?
Voice on Speaker: We don’t have bread. I can give you a bun.
Dad: Fine! Fine!
Voice on Speaker: But I’ll have to charge you for a fish sandwich.
Dad: Well.. hey, why don’t you charge me for a burger?! It’s cheaper!
Voice on Speaker: I thought the old lady wanted a fish sandwich?
Dad: Well.. she wants a burger now! You got that? [ silence ] Hello?
Voice on Speaker: I’m confused..
Dad: Okay.. Three Buster Burgers! One all the way. One all the way with extra pickles! One with ketchup, pickles, lettuce and tomatoes! One regular burger with mustard, onions, pickles and ketchup! One burger plain, with no meat..!
First Son: Dad! If Grandma doesn’t get her fish sandwich, then Doug doesn’t get any fries.
Dad: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!! Hold it! Hold it, hold it! Cancel the burger!
Voice on Speaker: Uh.. would you people, maybe, like to come in..? Take all the time you want, you know, maybe visit our salad bar..
Mom: [ excited ] Oh, a salad bar!
[ everyone in the car starts talking all at once ]
Dad: No! No! NOOOOOOO!!! Okay, starting OVER!! FIVE burgers with EVERYTHING!! FIVE medium COKES!! THE END!!
Voice on Speaker: Right. $11.65. Please drive around.
Mom: [ chipper ] Well, see, there you are! That was easy, wasn’t it?
Carsenio…..Dana Carvey Ed McMahon…..Phil Hartman …..George Wendt
Announcer: From NBC Studios, in Burbank, California, it’s time for “The Carsenio Show”, starring Carsenio. And now, let’s bang a gong and shake that groove thing for your party maestro! He-e-e-e-e-ere’s Carsenio!
[ the studio audience whoops and hollars as Carsenio takes the floor ]
Carsenio: This is, uh.. this is fun! This is wild stuff! Did you see this, Ed? [ raises his arm ] You just go “Whoop, whoop, whoop..!” [ audience mimics his actions ] ..and they go crazy! It’s just weird, wild stuff!
Ed McMahon: Ha ha ha! Yes!
Carsenio: Just “Whoop, whoop, whoop!” and that’s it. Alright,alright.. my name is Carsenio, and this is going to be a party!
Ed McMahon: Ha ha ha! You are correct, sir, yes!
Carsenio: Alright, now let me ask you folks something.. have youever noticed how white guys hold themselves down there? What isthat about? I mean, what are they holding down there, anyway? And have you ever noticed when white people dance? Is that wild?
Ed McMahon: Yes!
Carsenio: They simply have got No rhythm! Okay, okay..everybody chill.. Now, some of you may have heard rumors that I was sort of on my out. Well, I had a talk with the network, and let’s just say that this homeboy intends to be around for a while!
Ed McMahon: Not going anywhere, no sir!
[ studio audience “Whoop, whoop, whoops” ]
Carsenio: Alright, alright.. Now, we made a few changes, a fewlittle tweaks here and there.. [ holds up his index finger ] I had thisfinger elongated. When you’re around 29 years, you shouldn’tbe afraid to make a few little adjustments, you know, for the young people..
Ed McMahon: Young America, yes sir!
Carsenio: Ed? Ed, have you noticed? Look who’s hanging out in the doghouse tonight – my man, Tom Kite! He is kicking butt on the PGA tour! Alright, alright.. we’ve got some critical guests tonight. Doc? You wanna give me a bass groove over there? [ music plays, as Carsenio starts to groove ] Nice! That is sweet! Sweet stuff! Oh, that’s nice! Buddy Hackett is in my house! Right here! Joan Embery is in my house! Alright, we’ve got a hot one, so let’s get down to business!
[ cut to commercial ]
Announcer: Right after “Carsenio”, stay up for “Ed McMahon’s Party Machine”!
Ed McMahon: [ dancing ] Ha ha ha! Tonight: Bell Biv Devo! Ha ha ha!
Announcer: “Ed McMahon’s Party Machine”!
Ed McMahon: Yes!
[ cut back to “Carsenio” ]
Carsenio: Alright, alright.. that’s is nice. We are back! Boy,does that sound fine? That is my posse, Ed!
Ed McMahon: Yes!
Carsenio: Did you know that? It’s not called a band anymore, it’s called a “posse”! Weird, wild stuff!
Ed McMahon: That it is, sir, yes! Ha ha ha!
Carsenio: A posse. I did not know that! Now, some of you at home may not understand this lingo, which, earlier today, our staff compiled from the streets. Now, when I said my guests were in my house, what I meant was, in the “studio”.
Ed McMahon: Yes! Ha ha ha!
Carsenio: That is some weird, wild stuff! Now, according to this, an actual house is called a “crib”, but a baby crib is not necessarily called a crib. I did not know that.
Ed McMahon: Not a house, no sir!
Carsenio: No, not a house. It’s a little weird, a little skewed..
Ed McMahon: That is the straight stuff, oh Buckmaster!
Carsenio: Alright.. now, my first guest tonight, you all know. He plays Norm on the #1 show in America – “Cheers”. Let’s churn it up for Mr. George Wendt! [ Carsenio gives George the gangmember handshake and hug as he walks out ] Sit down, sit down! You are my main man! Are you my main man?
George Wendt: [ sitting ] Well, I guess so..
Ed McMahon: Main man, yes! Ha ha ha!
Carsenio: “Cheers”. That is a fresh, fly show. Now, tell me,George, I want to ask you this: how often do you do the Wild Thing?
George Wendt: Johnny, Johnny.. what are you doing here? Are youtrying to change your image? Why don’t you stick to what you do best?
Carsenio: Well, I like to think what I do best is the Wild Thing! [ audience whoops ] Is this dope? Is this dope stuff? Look at this! [ stretches across the cushions and strikes his legs through the air ]
George Wendt: [ pulls Johnny up ] Johnny, come on, now.. I’m concerned about you. A drastic personality change like this can really be very dangerous.
Carsenio: Dangerous? I did not know that? Did you know that, Ed?
Ed McMahon: [ solemn ] Yes.
George Wendt: You shouldn’t feel embarassed, this is rather common among people your age.
Ed McMahon: Secondary Latent Personality Displacement, O Great One, yes!
Carsenio: Well, this is some wild, wacky stuff! I did not knowthat. But what about these people.. [ indicates studio audience ] ..”Whoop, whoop, whoop..”?
George Wendt: Johnny, the truth is.. they’re morons.
Ed McMahon: Morons? Morons? I did not know that. Well, good night, everyone. I’ve got to wrap the show now. We’ll be back in 23 hours – you see how that works? There’s 24 hours, minus 1. Weird, wild stuff!
Jack Handey V/O: The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car – I forget what kind it was – and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.