Don Pardo voiceover: Last week, NBC News emphasized the use of sanctions and urged restraint in the confrontation with Iraq. Here with an opposing viewpoint is Mr. Subliminal.
[dissolve to Mr. Subliminal sitting behind a desk]
Mr. Subliminal: What should the U.S. do about Saddam Hussein? Lobotomy. One strategy has been the congressional approved economic sanctions — waste of time — because obviously, nobody wants war. Republicans. According to President Bush…according to President Bush, nothing is more important than human lives. Oil. But I think to avoid war…I think in order to avoid war, we need to give Hussein a face-saving way to leave Kuwait. Body bag. And I have to say…[cheers and applause] in all honesty…I’ve got to say President Bush is showing a lot of patience. Pussyfooting. And now he’s finally…set a deadline for January 15th. Bunch of crap. And if Mr. Hussein…if Mr. Hussein promises to pull out — fat chance — we should give him a chance. You know, we got to take him at his word as we would anyone else. Milli Vanilli. And at least he’s…[cheers and applause] he’s agreed…he’s agreed to release all the hostages — big deal — and all in all, folks, I gotta say the important thing to remember is world peace. Nuke ’em. To maintain it, the – the – the U.S. may just have to make a sacrifice — Dan Quayle — and if there is a war…[cheers and applause] if there’s a war, it’s comforting to know that we’ll be getting help from our allies. Candyasses. And then we’d have to answer…we’d have to answer the question: What’s the best weapon to use to topple a power-hungry megalomaniac like Hussein? Marla Maples. And if you’re listening…if you’re listening, Mr. Hussein — pervert — I personally think that you should find something better to do with your time. 7-Eleven. And then maybe the rest of us…the rest of us can get back to enjoying our lives. Hot sex. So, in…in this joyous season of giving — receiving — I think it’s important to remember in the long run — Live from New York — everything will turn out okay. It’s Saturday night.
[dissolve to “Saturday Night Live” opening sequence]
Voice on Speaker…..Rob Schneider Dad…..George Wendt Mom…..Julia Sweeney First Son…..Chris Farley Grandma…..Jan Hooks Second Son…..David Spade
[ open on suburban family crowded in the family car at the Burger Barn drive-thru ]
Voice on Speaker: Welcome to Burger Barn, how may I help you?
Dad: Uh.. yeah. We would like five burgers, please.
Voice on Speaker: How do you want ’em? They come with mustard, ketchup, pickle and onion.
Dad: That’s what we want.
Mom: Oh, honey, could I get mine without onions, please?
Dad: Okay, alright. One without onions.
First Son: And extra pickles on mine?
Dad: And extra pickles.
Voice on Speaker: So, one with no onions and extra pickles?
Dad: No.. no. Three lal the way, one with no onions, one all the way with extra pickles.
Voice on Speaker: Alright.
Dad: And five Cokes.
Voice on Speaker: What size?
[ family starts talking all at once ]
Dad: MEDIUM!! Medium, please.
Grandma: I don’t want a Coke, I want a glass of water.
Dad: Okay, four medium Cokes, one glass of water.
Voice on Speaker: I can give you the water, but I’ll have to charge you for a Coke.
Dad: Alright. I’ll pay for it.
Voice on Speaker: How about fries?
Dad: Uh.. yeah! Make it five orders of fries.
Grandma: Uh, well, if he’s gonna charge you for a Coke anyway, I’ll just have a Coke..
Dad: Okay, okay.. make it five medium Cokes, and just forget the water.
Second Son: [ pointing ] Hey, Dad, look! If you order a Buster Burger, the fries come with it! And that’s cheaper than a regular hamburger and fries!
Dad: [ thinking ] Wait a minute.. wait a minute..
Voice on Speaker: Yes, sir?
Dad: Uh, yeah.. make it five Buster Burgers, three all the way, one without onions, one with onions and extra pickles, and that all comes with fries, right?
Voice on Speaker: Yes, sir. And with lettuce and tomatoes.
Dad: Good. Well, put it on all five.
Mom: Honey, if I’m getting lettuce and tomatoes, then I don’t want mustard.
Dad: Okay, hold on here, we have a change.. We want five Buster Burgers, two all the way, one all the way with extra pickles, one with ketchup, pickle, lettuce and tomatoes, and one with mustard, ketchup, pickle and onions..
Voice on Speaker: Okay.
Grandma: Excuse me. Excuse me, but I’m just thinking – if I’m having a cola, I can’t have red meat. Now, it’s just gonna be too much acid in my stomach. Can I get a piece of fish, or something?
Dad: Alright, alright.. cancel one of the all the way Buster Burgers, and give me a fish sandwich..
Grandma: Without fries.
Voice on Speaker: It comes with fries – no charge.
Dad: Oh. Well, wait a minute.. [ turns around ] Uh, who has the burger without lettuce?
Second Son: I do, I do, Dad!
Dad: Okay, bear with me one minute: give me three Buster Burgers, one all the way with extra pickles, one with ketchup, pickles, lettuce and tomatoes, one fish sandwich, and one regular burger with mustard, ketchup, pickle and tomatoes.. [ turns around ] And when the order gets here, you can have Grandma’s french fries.
Second Son: Cool!
Grandma: I can’t eat fried foods..
Mom: Well, Mother, the fish is fried!
Grandma: What?! Well, then, can I just get a couple slices of bread?
Voice on Speaker: What’s that?!
Dad: Uh.. can we cancel the fish, and get two pieces of bread, please?
Voice on Speaker: We don’t have bread. I can give you a bun.
Dad: Fine! Fine!
Voice on Speaker: But I’ll have to charge you for a fish sandwich.
Dad: Well.. hey, why don’t you charge me for a burger?! It’s cheaper!
Voice on Speaker: I thought the old lady wanted a fish sandwich?
Dad: Well.. she wants a burger now! You got that? [ silence ] Hello?
Voice on Speaker: I’m confused..
Dad: Okay.. Three Buster Burgers! One all the way. One all the way with extra pickles! One with ketchup, pickles, lettuce and tomatoes! One regular burger with mustard, onions, pickles and ketchup! One burger plain, with no meat..!
First Son: Dad! If Grandma doesn’t get her fish sandwich, then Doug doesn’t get any fries.
Dad: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!! Hold it! Hold it, hold it! Cancel the burger!
Voice on Speaker: Uh.. would you people, maybe, like to come in..? Take all the time you want, you know, maybe visit our salad bar..
Mom: [ excited ] Oh, a salad bar!
[ everyone in the car starts talking all at once ]
Dad: No! No! NOOOOOOO!!! Okay, starting OVER!! FIVE burgers with EVERYTHING!! FIVE medium COKES!! THE END!!
Voice on Speaker: Right. $11.65. Please drive around.
Mom: [ chipper ] Well, see, there you are! That was easy, wasn’t it?
Carsenio…..Dana Carvey Ed McMahon…..Phil Hartman …..George Wendt
Announcer: From NBC Studios, in Burbank, California, it’s time for “The Carsenio Show”, starring Carsenio. And now, let’s bang a gong and shake that groove thing for your party maestro! He-e-e-e-e-ere’s Carsenio!
[ the studio audience whoops and hollars as Carsenio takes the floor ]
Carsenio: This is, uh.. this is fun! This is wild stuff! Did you see this, Ed? [ raises his arm ] You just go “Whoop, whoop, whoop..!” [ audience mimics his actions ] ..and they go crazy! It’s just weird, wild stuff!
Ed McMahon: Ha ha ha! Yes!
Carsenio: Just “Whoop, whoop, whoop!” and that’s it. Alright,alright.. my name is Carsenio, and this is going to be a party!
Ed McMahon: Ha ha ha! You are correct, sir, yes!
Carsenio: Alright, now let me ask you folks something.. have youever noticed how white guys hold themselves down there? What isthat about? I mean, what are they holding down there, anyway? And have you ever noticed when white people dance? Is that wild?
Ed McMahon: Yes!
Carsenio: They simply have got No rhythm! Okay, okay..everybody chill.. Now, some of you may have heard rumors that I was sort of on my out. Well, I had a talk with the network, and let’s just say that this homeboy intends to be around for a while!
Ed McMahon: Not going anywhere, no sir!
[ studio audience “Whoop, whoop, whoops” ]
Carsenio: Alright, alright.. Now, we made a few changes, a fewlittle tweaks here and there.. [ holds up his index finger ] I had thisfinger elongated. When you’re around 29 years, you shouldn’tbe afraid to make a few little adjustments, you know, for the young people..
Ed McMahon: Young America, yes sir!
Carsenio: Ed? Ed, have you noticed? Look who’s hanging out in the doghouse tonight – my man, Tom Kite! He is kicking butt on the PGA tour! Alright, alright.. we’ve got some critical guests tonight. Doc? You wanna give me a bass groove over there? [ music plays, as Carsenio starts to groove ] Nice! That is sweet! Sweet stuff! Oh, that’s nice! Buddy Hackett is in my house! Right here! Joan Embery is in my house! Alright, we’ve got a hot one, so let’s get down to business!
[ cut to commercial ]
Announcer: Right after “Carsenio”, stay up for “Ed McMahon’s Party Machine”!
Ed McMahon: [ dancing ] Ha ha ha! Tonight: Bell Biv Devo! Ha ha ha!
Announcer: “Ed McMahon’s Party Machine”!
Ed McMahon: Yes!
[ cut back to “Carsenio” ]
Carsenio: Alright, alright.. that’s is nice. We are back! Boy,does that sound fine? That is my posse, Ed!
Ed McMahon: Yes!
Carsenio: Did you know that? It’s not called a band anymore, it’s called a “posse”! Weird, wild stuff!
Ed McMahon: That it is, sir, yes! Ha ha ha!
Carsenio: A posse. I did not know that! Now, some of you at home may not understand this lingo, which, earlier today, our staff compiled from the streets. Now, when I said my guests were in my house, what I meant was, in the “studio”.
Ed McMahon: Yes! Ha ha ha!
Carsenio: That is some weird, wild stuff! Now, according to this, an actual house is called a “crib”, but a baby crib is not necessarily called a crib. I did not know that.
Ed McMahon: Not a house, no sir!
Carsenio: No, not a house. It’s a little weird, a little skewed..
Ed McMahon: That is the straight stuff, oh Buckmaster!
Carsenio: Alright.. now, my first guest tonight, you all know. He plays Norm on the #1 show in America – “Cheers”. Let’s churn it up for Mr. George Wendt! [ Carsenio gives George the gangmember handshake and hug as he walks out ] Sit down, sit down! You are my main man! Are you my main man?
George Wendt: [ sitting ] Well, I guess so..
Ed McMahon: Main man, yes! Ha ha ha!
Carsenio: “Cheers”. That is a fresh, fly show. Now, tell me,George, I want to ask you this: how often do you do the Wild Thing?
George Wendt: Johnny, Johnny.. what are you doing here? Are youtrying to change your image? Why don’t you stick to what you do best?
Carsenio: Well, I like to think what I do best is the Wild Thing! [ audience whoops ] Is this dope? Is this dope stuff? Look at this! [ stretches across the cushions and strikes his legs through the air ]
George Wendt: [ pulls Johnny up ] Johnny, come on, now.. I’m concerned about you. A drastic personality change like this can really be very dangerous.
Carsenio: Dangerous? I did not know that? Did you know that, Ed?
Ed McMahon: [ solemn ] Yes.
George Wendt: You shouldn’t feel embarassed, this is rather common among people your age.
Ed McMahon: Secondary Latent Personality Displacement, O Great One, yes!
Carsenio: Well, this is some wild, wacky stuff! I did not knowthat. But what about these people.. [ indicates studio audience ] ..”Whoop, whoop, whoop..”?
George Wendt: Johnny, the truth is.. they’re morons.
Ed McMahon: Morons? Morons? I did not know that. Well, good night, everyone. I’ve got to wrap the show now. We’ll be back in 23 hours – you see how that works? There’s 24 hours, minus 1. Weird, wild stuff!
Jack Handey V/O: The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car – I forget what kind it was – and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
Mr. No-Depth Perception…..Kevin Nealon Wife…..Victoria Jackson Mike…..Phil Hartman Anita…..Jan Hooks Brenda…..Julia Sweeney Date…..Chris Farley
[ open in the kitchen of a new house ]
Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ shouting needlessly ] Now that thefurniture’s here, this place is starting to feel more like a home!
Wife: Honey, you don’t have to yell, I’m only one foot away.
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh. Sorry. Hey, let me get this trayfor you.. [ grabs tray and walks to the dining room table ]
Wife: No! No, Jerry, let me do it..!
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Nonsense. [ holds tray in front of table, and lets it drop to the floor ]
Jingle: “Is it far, far away, or just close by It all looks the same, when seen from the eye of the guy they call Mr. No-Depth Perception. He can’t explain, why to his brain it all looks like a two-dimensional plane. He’s Mr. No-Depth Perception.”
Announcer: Tonight’s episode: “The Dinner Party”.
[ Mr. No-Depth Perception and a friend are watching golf on television as their wives prepare the dinner ]
Mike: Wow, he’s on the green!
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Yeah, but why’s he using his putter? He’s gotta be at least 200 yards from the hole!
[ the wives enter with the dinner ]
Wife: Dinner’s on, boys! Brenda called and said that she and her date were running late, so we should start without them.
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Okay, honey! Smells great!
Mike: You guys, this is a great location! Are you prettymuch moved in now?
Wife: Yeah, just about. We.. [ sees her husband trying to chew a roll that’s still 5 feet from his mouth, so she pushes it closer ] We have one more truckload that they have to deliver.
Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ sees Anita take out a cigarette ] Oh! Here, let me get that for you! [ takes out his lighter and holds it in front of his face instead of hers ]
Anita: Uh.. Jerry, you know what? I’ve got a lighter right here, I can do it myself, okay?
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, okay. I get it – one of those feminists! Alright!
Wife: So, Mike, Anita tells me you’ve got a new hobby?
Mike: That’s right! Skydiving.
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh? I’d like to try that sometime.
Wife: Uh.. no, Jerry! No skydiving.
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, come on, don’t be a worrywart! I bet it’s a lot of fun. [ tips over the champagne bottle; Mike quickly thrusts his glass beneath the bottle, the women repeat the procedure ] You know, just ground coming up at you, pulling that rip cord at just the right time! [ finished pouring champagne, he releases the bottle onto the table – of course it crashes to the floor ]
Anita: Um.. Jerry, would you pass me a roll, please?
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, sure. [ picks up a roll and flings it across the table ]
Wife: [ picks up the basket of rolls and hands it to Anita ] Here you go.
Anita: Oh, thanks. [ a car can be heard pulling up ] Hey, is that Brenda I hear pulling up?
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Probably. Let me check. [ gets up and walks to the window to see who it is, his head crashing through one of the panes ] Yeah, it looks like her.
[ Brenda and her date enter the front door ]
Brenda: Hi, everybody! This is my boyfriend, Gary.
Gary: Hi, everyone!
Wife: Hi! Sit down!
Brenda: Oh, this looks delicious!
Wife: Oh, wait, let me get another plate. [ retreats to the kitchen ]
Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ looks at Brenda and her date, then turns to “whisper” to Mike ] I can’t believe Brenda’s dating this loser! You know what she’s after, right?! I bet he’s got money, or something!
Mike: [ embarrassed ] Jerry..
Mr. No-Depth Perception: What? Oh, relax! He can’t hear me way down there! [ Gary fidgets in his seat ] That Brenda’s a real looker, huh? I bet she had a boob job! You know, we had a little thing going last summer, me and her! Nice! Nice! [ a truck beeps outside ] Whoops! That must be the moving truck. I’d better get out there. [ runs outside ]
Wife: [ returns to the party with a plate for Brenda ] Alrighty,here we go. Where’d Jerry go?
Anita: Oh, he said he’d be right back. Something about a movingtruck?
Wife: [ worried ] Oh, no..!
Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ heard from outside ] Alright, come on, back it in, plenty of room! Back it in, plenty of room!
[ suddenly, the truck crashes into the front room, as everyone screams ]
Jingle: A lot of people say, “What’s that?” It’s Pat! A lot of people ask, “Who’s he? Or she?” A ma’am or a sir, accept him or her or whatever it might be. It’s time for androgyny. Here comes Pat!
[ open on Pat sitting in a barber’s chair ]
Barber: So, uh.. what can we do for you today, huh?
Pat: I’m going to a party tonight, and I want to look my best![ laughs uncomfortably ]
Barber: Okay.. do you want to change your look a lot, or maybe just have, you know, a trim?
Pat: I’m in your hands! Work your magic! [ laughsuncomfortably ]
Barber: [ greatly confused by the sexless appearance of the character in front of him ] You know, I don’t usually ask this.. but why don’t you tell me what you’re going to wear tonight, and that might help me out.
Pat: It’s a formal event.
Barber: Ah.. So, I guess that means you’ll be wearing..?
Pat: Black. All black.
Barber: Okay.. fine.. I’ll just give you a trim, then..
Barber: [ still not sure what to do ] Listen.. uh.. while I’mcutting your hair, would you like some magazines to read? Perhaps Sports Illustrated? [ Pat groans ] I have Glamour!
Pat: Oh, what about People?
Barber: [ hands the magazine to it ] Alright, here you go.. [ starts to trim Pat’s hair ] Okay.. will you be taking someone special to the party tonight?
Pat: Cary. And Frances and Robin, a group of us are going. Barber: I see.. Well, then, of course, this would be a night out for the..?
Pat: Co-workers. [ laughs uncomfortably ]
Barber: Hmm.. You have a nice head of hair here.. No, no hairloss here at all, huh?
Pat: That’s good. Both my parents had a full head of hair.
Barber: Yeah… [ laughs ] You know, the baldness gene is recessive, and uh.. carried by the female. So, now, if you had a male child, would you be certain that it would never go bald? Or would you be frightened, depending on the heredity of your spouse, that it might?
Pat: Might what?
Barber: Go bald.!
Pat: I don’t know! I just want a haircut!
Barber: Alright.. Well, okay, that’ll do it, you’re all finished. I’m sorry I got carried away there. I thought I was on to something there.. But I think we’re just about done.. [ turns the chair around to face the mirror ]
Pat: Oh, I look fabulous! I look like a million bucks! Ifeel so sexy! [ laughs uncomfortably ]
Barber: Good, good.. Tell you what, why don’t I brush you off alittle bit?
Pat: Thank you very much! I’ll look very nice for my party tonight! [ laughs uncomfortably, as the Barber brushes hair off around the breast area ] Thank you, that’s good.. [ the Barber brushes hair away from the crotch area ] Hey! That
Barber: Sorry. These little hairs tend to hide out on you..
Pat: How much do I owe you?
Barber: Well.. uh.. gee.. the price chart is right over there..[ points to a sign on the wall that reads “Haircut & Style, Men: $15, Women: $17.50” ] Those would be your various prices, for either of your various haircuts..
Pat: Alright. [ takes out some money ] Here’s a twenty.
Barber: Twenty? Okay.. so, change back from your twenty.. you’dlike some change, of course.. some change..
Pat: Alright, I know what you’re doing.
Barber: You do?
Pat: Yes. And I don’t appreciate it. [ laughs uncomfortably ]
Barber: Listen, I’m sorry.. I’ve just never been in this situation before..
Pat: You’ve never been tipped before?! I doubt that! You’revery good – you can keep the change! [ laughs uncomfortably ]