Barney…..Chris Farley
Adrian…..Patrick Swayze

Male Judge #1: This is impossible! Can’t we just hire them both?

Male Judge #2: No. We’ve been through this. We’ve only got the budget for one dancer!

Female Judge: Yeah, but they’re both so great.. I can’t decide between them..

Male Judge #2: Well, that’s our job. That’s what Chippendales pays us for.

Male Judge #1: Yeah, but these guys have been through hell! Five hours of auditions, three callbacks..

Male Judge #2: Well, look.. if you want to give up your salary so Chippendales can hire both these guys – that’s fine with me.

Male Judge #1: Okay, okay..

Male Judge #2: [ to offscreen ] Marcy? Bring ’em in?

Male Judge #1: This is the part of the job that I hate.

[ Adrian, a well-built dancer, walks in, followed by Barney, a flabby dancer ]

Male Judge #2: Adrian. Barney. [ sighs ] Listen, before we start, I just want to say once again that either of you would make a wonderful addition to the Chippendale family. I know you’ve been put through a long, long addition, and I know it’s been hard.. But I think that in itself is a testament to how good both of you are, and just how difficult our choice is. I wish I could just flip a coin and be done with it.. but we can’t. We’re Chippendales. Marcy? Music?

[ Loverboy’s “Working For The Weekend” blasts the stage, as Adrian andBarney begin their final audition. Adrian strikes many sexy moves which show off his fantastically fit body; all of Barney’s sext moves accentuate the fact that he has a big belly hanging over his belt. ]

Male Judge #2: Thank you. Adrian, Barney, if you could just give us a minute, we’ll make our decision.

[ Adrian and Barney exit to the back room ]

Adrian: Oh, Adrian, you were great out there, man! I know it’s gonna be you

Barney: Oh, Barney, what are you talking about? You got it, and you know it!

Adrian: Whatever happens, you’re the best!

Marcy; [ peeks in ] They’re ready for you, guys.

[ Barney and Adrian shake hands and walk back out ]

Male Judge #2: Adrian? Barney? We’ve made our decision. But before we tell you, I just want to tell you again how truly difficult it was for us to make our choice, and to thank you for your patience throughout this long, arduous audition. [ pause ] We’re gonna go with Adrian.

Barney: I knew it, man! [ shakes Adrian’s hand ]

Adrian: [ starts to weep ] I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just neverwanted anything so much in my life, and now that I’ve got it, I’m having a hard time dealing with it!

Male Judge #2: Well, that’s okay, Adrian, we understand. [ pause ] Barney, we all agreed that your dancing was great.. your presentation was very sexy. I guess, in the end, we just thought Adrian’s body was much, much better than yours. You see, it’s just that, at Chippendales, our dancers have traditionally had that lean, muscular, healthy physique – like Adrian’s – whereas yours is.. well, fat and flabby. [ Barney starts to vamp ] No, Barney. No, no, no. Barney, we’ve made our decision.

Adrian: Excuse me, can I make a point? [ wraps his arm aroundBarney ] I just want to say that this guy is one hell of a dancer, you know? I mean, he’s got some of the sexiest moves I’ve ever seen! And if you’re really serious about going with me, it can only be because his body’s so bad!

Barney: Thanks, man.

Adrian: I mean, on straight dancing, in presentation, ain’t no way I’m better than him!

Male Judge #2: Amen. Amen. You see, Barney, we considered thepossibility that our heavier female customers might actually prefer aheavier, heavier man that they could identify with.. but then we decided..

Adrian’s Thoughts: [ as Male Judge #2 drines off ] Even as I stood there listening to them explain why they’d chosen me, I still couldn’t believe it! Ever since I could remember, I had dreamed about becoming a Chippendales dancer, and now I was one! I never saw Barney again.. but I would never forget how, for one moment, he brought out the best in me. That was the time of my life.

[ Music Bed: “Time of My Life”, by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes, over a photo of Adrian striking a sexy Chippendale pose to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Super Feud

Super Feud

Announcer…..Don Pardo
Jorge Montenero…..Patrick Swayze
Raul Valendez…..Dana Carvey

[“singing” over continuous music-bed of Latin folk song “Guantanamera”]

Announcer: When two of South America’s biggest singing stars have a feud, you’re the winner. Now you can enjoy the rivalry that Latin Americans have known about for years. Together on one album, Jorge Montenero…

“One ton of fan mail
That’s what I get, I get one ton of fan mail
One ton of fan mail
I get one ton of fan mail.”

Announcer: …And his arch-rival, Raul Valendez.

“Two tons of fan mail
That’s what I get, I get two tons of fan mail
Two tons of fan mail
I get two tons of fan mail.”

Announcer: All the songs in the greatest rivalry in the history of South American singing-star rivalries.

Jorge: “Four tons of fan mail
That’s right you heard me, I get four tons of fan mail
I have it weighed each morning
On the truck scale.”

Announcer: You’ll get…

“Number-one song for nine months (in Paraguay)
I had the number-one song for nine months
You turn on the radio
And it was all you would ever hear.”

Announcer: And…

“He had an eye job
I tell you, he had an eye job
I know a doctor
Who swears he had an eye job.”

Announcer: Plus…

“He stuffs his trousers
I’m telling you quite plainly, he stuffs his trousers
With a plastic penis
It fell out in Lima.”

Announcer: With…

“That never happened,
I tell you man, the man is a liar
I filed a lawsuit
For 100,000,000 pesos.”

Announcer: Plus…

Raul:”It fell out his pant-leg
I know for sure, it fell out his pant-leg
We have same drummer
He told me the story.”

Announcer: Send check or money order for $12.95 to Super Feud, Camino De Las Estrellas, Miami, FL.

“Last in commercial
Please note my song was last in commercial, heh heh heh!
That should tell you something
They put me last in commercial.”

Announcer: Order now.

Submitted by: Brian + Alan.

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live: 1990-1991

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 16: 1990-1991

This free script provided by]]>


  • Dana Carvey
  • Phil Hartman
  • Jan Hooks
  • Victoria Jackson
  • Dennis Miller
  • Mike Myers
  • Kevin Nealon
  • Featuring:

  • A. Whitney Brown
  • Chris Farley
  • Al Franken
  • Tim Meadows (first: 02/09/91)
  • Chris Rock
  • Adam Sandler (first: 02/09/91)
  • Rob Schneider
  • David Spade
  • Julia Sweeney
  • Episodes

  • 09/29/90: Kyle McLachlan / Sinead O’Connor
  • 10/06/90: Susan Lucci / Hothouse Flowers
  • 10/20/90: George Steinbrenner / The Time
  • 10/27/90: Patrick Swayze / Mariah Carey
  • 11/10/90: Jimmy Smits / World Party
  • 11/17/90: Dennis Hopper / Paul Simon
  • 12/01/90: John Goodman / Faith No More
  • 12/08/90: Tom Hanks / Edie Brickell & New Bohemians
  • 12/15/90: Dennis Quaid / The Neville Brothers
  • 01/12/91: Joe Mantegna / Vanilla Ice
  • 01/19/91: Sting
  • 02/09/91: Kevin Bacon / INXS
  • 02/16/91: Roseanne Barr / Deee-Lite with Bootsy Collins & The Rubber Band
  • 02/23/91: Alec Baldwin / Whitney Houston
  • 03/16/91: Michael J. Fox / Black Crowes
  • 03/23/91: Jeremy Irons / Fishbone
  • 04/13/91: Catherine O’Hara / R.E.M.
  • 04/20/91: Steven Seagal / Michael Bolton
  • 05/11/91: Delta Burke / Chris Isaak
  • 05/18/91: George Wendt / Elvis Costello
  • SummaryWhy take chances?

    Producer Lorne Michaels had played the game before – cast members perform on “Saturday Night Live” for a few seasons, then leave the show to pursue careers in Hollywood or other walks of entertainment. Chevy Chase left in 1976; Aykroyd and Belushi left in 1979; even Eddie Murphy (though not under Lorne’s reign) left in 1984.

    It had been five full seasons since Lorne Michaels returned to “Saturday Night Live”, and there was danger of his current cast following the dreams of his original cast – in fact, Jon Lovitz and Nora Dunn didn’t return this season, so it was time for Lorne to think about discovering new talent for the show. Instead of finding himself stuck at the last minute, Lorne decided to overpopulate the cast, as a precaution. Along with the returning familiar faces of Dana Carvey, Phil Hartman, Jan Hooks, Victoria Jackson, Dennis Miller, Mike Myers and Kevin Nealon, Lorne brought in new talent Chris Farley and Chris Rock, as well as aspiring performers below them such as David Spade, Adam Sandler, Tim Meadows, Rob Schneider and Julia Sweeney. If any of the remaining longtime veterans left the show, there would be plenty of performers available to take their places.

    The end result? A comedy explosion, exposing “Saturday Night Live” to some of its wildest, funniest and most unforgettable moments ever.

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Kyle McLachlan: 09/29/90

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    September 29th, 1990

    Kyle McLachlan

    Sinead O’Connor


    Sinead O’Connor, “Three Babies”

  • A Message From Iraq

    Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

  • Kyle McLachlan’s Monologue

  • Bad Idea Jeans

  • Sprockets

    Recurring Characters: Dieter.

  • Twin Peaks

  • Sinead O’Connor performs “Three Babies”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • Luther Campbell

  • All Things Scottish

    Recurring Characters: Stuart Rankin.

  • Sinead O’Connor performs “The Last Day Of Our Acquaintance”

  • Frank Sinatra & George Michael

    Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, George Michael.

  • Lonesome Cowboys II

    SNL Transcripts

  • Bad Idea Jeans

    Bad Idea Jeans

    Guy #1…..Kevin Nealon

    [ open on group of guys sitting on a bench on a basketball court, laughing ]

    Guy #1: Hey, we’ve got our apartment. We ripped up the floors, pipes, wiring, and having everything completely redone.

    Guy #2: You’re renting, right?

    Guy #1: Yeah.

    [ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]

    Guy #3: Well, he’s an ex free-base addict, and he’s trying to turn around, and he needs a place to stay for a couple of months.

    [ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]

    Guy #1: [ tosses bottle to Guy #2 ] Head’s up!

    Guy #4: Now that I have kids, I feel a lot better having a gun in the house.

    [ image on screen: BAD IDEA ] [ close-up of the jeans they’re wearing, the label reads: BAD IDEA JEANS ]

    Guy #3: I thought about it, and even though it’s over, I’m going to tell my wife about the affair.

    [ image on screen: BAD IDEA ] [ more shots of BAD IDEA jeans ]

    Guy #5: I don’t know the guy, but I’ve got two kidneys and he needs one, so I figured..

    [ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]

    Guy #2: Normally I wear protection, but then I thought, “When am I gonna make it back to Haiti?”

    [ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]

    Announcer: Bad Idea Jeans.

    [ shows a group of tough looking basketball players on the court ]

    Guy #1: Hey, you guys ready? Let’s bet these guys! A hundred bucks.. make that two hundred! Two hundred bucks!

    [ fade to image on screen: BAD IDEA JEANS ] [ fade out ]

    Thanks to Tony DuMont for this transcript.

    A Message From Iraq

    A Message From Iraq

    President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
    Moderator…..Phil Hartman
    Tadir Havadabadi…..Tom Davis
    Jan Hooks…..Malid Haziz Amani
    Amad Havim Adabadi…..Kevin Nealon

    [ open on still image of Saddam Hussein, over Iraqi chant music ]

    Announcer: You are watching Iraqi State Television. The following is an unedited address by the President of the United States, George Bush.

    [ dissolve to President Bush in the Oval Office ]

    President George Bush: Good evening. Now, first of all, I’d like to thank the Iraqi government, for giving me this second opportunity to talk to the Iraqi people. You know, when I last spoke to you a few weeks back, apparently I failed to convey just how seriously the United States views the illegal seizure of Kuwait down there. My mistake, I believe, was in using the vague, euphemistic code words of international diplomacy. So, tonight I’m gonna speak to you in the kind of language that every Arab, every Iraqi, can understand.

    You see, your leader – the godless liar, Saddam Hussein – is nothing more than a hyena in the skin of a lion. He thinks to frighten us, like sheep, with his loud braying – nah gah do it! America’s no sheep waiting to be seized by a hyena! Rather, it’s a great scorpion! Which deals a deadly sting to those who would crush it! Stinging! Stinging! Stinging!

    You know, I’ve been in cose consultation with Speaker Foley, Senator Dole and Mitchell over there, in that place where they are down there! And, like me, they agree: the American people are not afraid of war. They don’t fear death. But, rather, welcome death as a glorious martyrdom The reward of those who die in battle for the one true God, Jesus Christ! And your leader, the hyena, Saddma Hussein, thinks he can climb into the pit with the American cobra, and charm it with the music of his lies. But remember, Mr. Hussein: the venom of the American cobra spits far and true! Not spittin’ yet – wouldn’t be prudent! But, rest assured, that cobra will strike! [ hisses ]

    As the prophet has written: [ speaks in Iraqi ] “Your children shall wander aimlessly. There reason shall desert them, and they shall not know where there fathers’ bones are buried.”

    You know, this summer I was up in Kennenbunkport, Maine – relaxing, in that relaxation mode – while our armies, our great armies, lay poised on the brink of a great war. My wife, Bar, turned to me, and what she said speaks for Americans everywhere. “Jackals”, said Bar. “Jackals will slake their thirst on the blood of Iraqi soldiers, and their entrails shall stink in the sun and be food for hogs!”

    So, to sum up: Hussein, lion’s clothing – really a hyena; America, both a scorpion and a cobra [ hisses ]; jackals, slaking their thirst, entrails stinking, food for hogs. Good night!

    [ dissolve to moderated Ieaqi forum ]

    Moderator: You have been listening to an address by the President of the United States. Here, with an analysis, are: Tadir Havadabadi.. Malid Haziz.. and Amad Havim Adabadi. Tadir, how do you think Bush did?

    Tadir Havadabadi: I was impressed. This was a new George Bush. A mad man I think we can deal with.

    Moderator: Malid?

    Malid Haziz: Well, after his first speech, Bush desperately needed a hit. Tonight, I think he got a home run. I do. I do.

    Moderator: Amad?

    Amad Havim Adabadi: I was especially struck by the part about our children not knowing where are bones are buried. I’ve got several grandchildren, I want them to know where my bones are buried!

    Moderator: This has been Iraqi State TV’s special coverage of an address by the President of the United States. Later tonight, “Kojak”. This week, Kojak is cortnered by members of the mob. But, first: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

    SNL Transcripts

    Kyle MacLachlan’s Monologue

    Kyle MacLachlan’s Monologue

    …..Kyle MacLachlan

    Kyle MacLachlan: Thank you very much. Nice to be here, and its an honor to be hosting the opening show of “Saturday Night Live”. Well, one of the reasons any actor wants to host this show is in order to show another side of his talent and personality. And in my case since most of you probably know me from the eccentric character I played on “Blue Velvet” and uh.. of course, Agent Cooper from “Twin Peaks”. I.. uh.. was especially anxious for you to see what I’m like as a person. So this may seem a little unusual – I don’t know if they’ve done this before – but I thought I’d open up the floor to any questions you might have about me. So? [ Woman in Audience raises her hand ] Yeah?

    Woman in Audience: Yeah, um.. where you from?

    Kyle MacLachlan: Yakuma, Washington. [ First Man in Audience raises his hand ] Yeah?

    First Man in Audience: Is your name pronounced Mac – clock – land?

    Kyle MacLachlan: Its Mac – loc – land, close. Its Scottish. [ Second Male in Audience raises his hand ] Yeah.

    Second Man in Audience: Uh, yeah.. this isn’t so much a question about you – but I’m a big “Twin Peaks” fan, and I was kind of wondering: are we going to find out this year who killed Laura Palmer?

    Kyle MacLachlan: Yeah, its.. uh.. it’s Shelly the waitress, and uh.. they’re going to reveal that in the last episode, so.. [ looks around casually ] Any more questions, or..? Okay. Look, we’ve got a great show tonight. Sinead O’Conner is here.

    Director’s Voice: Oh, Kyle. [ Kyle looks around ] Kyle?

    Kyle MacLachlan: Yeah?

    Director’s Voice: Kyle, could you come to the control room for amoment? There’s a phone call for you.

    Kyle MacLachlan: Yeah.. okay. Um.. excuse me.

    [ Kyle walks off stage to the left, past television cameras and the camera crew, then walks up a hallway into the control room ]

    Operator: [ holding telephone for Kyle ] It’s David Lynch.

    Kyle MacLachlan: Oh, alright. [ takes phone ] David! Hey, are you watching?

    Voice of David Lynch: Well, there’s nothing else good on.

    Kyle MacLachlan: Well, what do you think?

    Voice of David Lynch: [ barks unintelligible slur of words ]

    Kyle MacLachlan: Well, he asked me. What am I supposed to do, lie?

    Voice of David Lynch: How long have you been in this business?!

    Kyle MacLachlan: Look, I’ve been in the business for six years, David. You know that.

    Voice of David Lynch: [ more unintelligible barking of slur words ] [ screen dissolves temporarily to a black and white photo of David Lynch, titled “Voice of David Lynch.” ]

    Voice of David Lynch: ..back to Yakuma, Washington!!

    Kyle MacLachlan: Well, what good would it be to tell.. it’s Shelly, David. I mean the episode’s been shot. It’s Shelly, okay. I mean, they’re going to find out eventually.

    Voice of David Lynch: I KNOW THAT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!DON’T TELL ANYMORE! [ barks unintelligible orders ]

    Kyle MacLachlan: Yes. Okay. Yes, sir.. Yes, yes sir. Okay, Iunderstand. Okay, I’ll try..

    Voice of David Lynch: DO IT! GET OUT OF HERE!

    Kyle MacLachlan: [ hangs up phone quietly ] Thanks. [ returns to center stage, nervously wrings his hands and faces the audience ] Uh.. uh.. excuse me, I.. uh.. I want to say one thing. Earlier, when I made the joke about Shelly the waitress killing Laura Palmer, I.. I just wanted to make sure that you all knew that it was a joke. And, uh.. I mean, obviously I wouldn’t come out here and.. and tell you that, uh.. uh.. that it was real and, uh.. and ruin my chances of being in the second season. I mean, only a real idiot who never wanted to work in Hollywood, who deserves a real big spanking, would.. uh.. would do such a stupid thing like that. So, anyway, we’ve got a great show, so stick around. We’ll be right back.

    [ zoom out to fade ]

    SNL Transcripts