Sprockets


Sprockets

Dieter…..Mike Myers
Karl-Heinz Shelkar…..Kyle McLachlan


Announcer: Sprockets…Sprockets…West German Television Presents: Sprockets….Mit your host: Dieter.

Dieter: Welcome to Sprockets. Welcome to Sprockets. I am your host, Dieter. First of all I would like to welcome our new affiliates in East Germany who are carrying Sprockets for the first time: LODR – Leipzig Auyste-Deutsch Runfunk. And FKMS – Funzine Karl-Marx-Stadt. Welcome to the Sprockets family. This veek we have a special feature on Sprockets. It is called “Germany’s Most Disturbing Home Videos”.

[Video Overlay: An old man recites: “Germany’s Most Disturbing Home Videos. Ahhhhhhhhh!”]

Dieter: And now I’d like to introduce the man who compiles all the videos for Germany’s Most Disturbing Home Videos. You may know him as the vacky neighbor from Munich TV’s hit comedy “Who Are You to Accuse Me?” Please welcome Karl-Heinz Shelkar. [Karl Heinz enters studio] Welcome to Sprockets Karl-Heinz.

Karl-Heinz: Danka Dieter.

Dieter: Karl Heinz, you are beautiful and angular…and if you were a gas, you’d be inert. How do you go about compiling all of these videos?

Karl-Heinz: Vell Dieter, all of our videos are sent in by ordinary Germans, like you and me. People with video cameras who happen to record the everyday occurrences of the grotesque and the profane.

Dieter: I am so full of anticipation that my genitals have sucked up into my body cavity. Before we begin… before we begin, would you like to touch my Monkey?

Karl-Heinz: I would be honored.

Dieter: Touch him! Love him! Liebe mein affe-mienke! [Karl-Heinz shakes hands with Dieter’s monkey, sitting on a pedestal] Now I am as happy a little girl. Let us see the first video.

[ Videos are shown as described by Karl-Heinz in the next several dialogs ]

Karl-Heinz: The first video was sent in by Colin Hartmen from Dueseldorf. Here is a fat man in a diaper cavorting about in a lawn shprinkler. I guess this proves that old Bavarian saying that a fat man and a shprinkler are soon together.

Dieter: Brilliant. Truly disturbing.

Karl-Heinz: The next disturbing video was sent in by Napoleon Shultz of Breman. In it was see a man distributing leaflets. Another man comes over and read one. Watch what he does. He has kicked the man in the testicles! Look – the pain was so intense he has to vomit.

Dieter: His agony was gorgeous. I need to be slapped.

Karl-Heinz: The next video was sent in by Geurgud Gardner from Baden-baden. Here they have come across the body of a tramp, which in itself is not so disturbing. Until it is turned over to reveal…. ANTS! ANTS! ANTS!

Dieter: Now that’s an ant farm of a different color.

Karl-Heinz: Now this next video was submitted by Wolfie and Kristan Sana from Muenster. It takes places at the Glycofin Gallery in Hanover. Two people…

Dieter: Your setup has become tiresome. Play it! A man and a voman view an installation. Watch what happens. His trousers have fallen down!

Dieter: And now we must vote.

Karl-Heinz: The winner will receive 10,000 marks and a 1990 Chevrolet Geo.

Dieter: Geo. Stylish, sporty, economical. That’s Geo.

Karl-Heinz: Will you vote for Number 1: Fat man in diaper? Number 2: Kicked in the Testicles? Number 3: Ant Face? Or number 4: Trouser gallery?

Dieter: Make your selection.

[Audience votes electronically]

Karl-Heinz: The most disturbing video…is: Trouser Gallery. [The subjects of the Trouser Gallery Video, sitting in the audience are handed an oversized check and car keys]

Dieter: Now’s the time on Sprockets when we dance. [Dieter and Karl-Heinz get up and dance; fellow Germans join them] That’s all the time we have on Sprockets. My guest has been Karl Heinz Shelkar. My name is Dieter…Auf Wiedersehen!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Winston-McCauley Funeral Home


Winston-McCauley Funeral Home

Winston-McCauley Spokesperson…..Phil Hartman


Spokesperson: Care, compassion, dedication. These are the things we can promise you at Winston-McCauley Funeral Home. And there’s one other thing we can promise: that we will not have sex with any dead body. How can we guarantee this level of service? First, we rigorously test our applicants for aptitude and intelligence.. and also to make sure they don’t have the urge to have sex with dead bodies. And, if any of our employees fails to live up to our standards, he can be suspended, without pay, for up to six months. And, if that’s not enough, you have my personal assurance that if you can prove that your loved one was the victim of post-mortem sex, I will discount your bill with us for a full $1,000. That’s the Winston-McCauley Guarantee.

Announcer: Care. Compassion. Dedication. And absolutely No Sex. Winston-McCauley Funeral Home.

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live: 1990-1991


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: 1990-1991


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

Starring:

  • Dana Carvey
  • Phil Hartman
  • Jan Hooks
  • Victoria Jackson
  • Dennis Miller
  • Mike Myers
  • Kevin Nealon
  • Featuring:

  • A. Whitney Brown
  • Chris Farley
  • Al Franken
  • Tim Meadows (first: 02/09/91)
  • Chris Rock
  • Adam Sandler (first: 02/09/91)
  • Rob Schneider
  • David Spade
  • Julia Sweeney
  • Episodes

  • 09/29/90: Kyle McLachlan / Sinead O’Connor
  • 10/06/90: Susan Lucci / Hothouse Flowers
  • 10/20/90: George Steinbrenner / The Time
  • 10/27/90: Patrick Swayze / Mariah Carey
  • 11/10/90: Jimmy Smits / World Party
  • 11/17/90: Dennis Hopper / Paul Simon
  • 12/01/90: John Goodman / Faith No More
  • 12/08/90: Tom Hanks / Edie Brickell & New Bohemians
  • 12/15/90: Dennis Quaid / The Neville Brothers
  • 01/12/91: Joe Mantegna / Vanilla Ice
  • 01/19/91: Sting
  • 02/09/91: Kevin Bacon / INXS
  • 02/16/91: Roseanne Barr / Deee-Lite with Bootsy Collins & The Rubber Band
  • 02/23/91: Alec Baldwin / Whitney Houston
  • 03/16/91: Michael J. Fox / Black Crowes
  • 03/23/91: Jeremy Irons / Fishbone
  • 04/13/91: Catherine O’Hara / R.E.M.
  • 04/20/91: Steven Seagal / Michael Bolton
  • 05/11/91: Delta Burke / Chris Isaak
  • 05/18/91: George Wendt / Elvis Costello
  • SummaryWhy take chances?

    Producer Lorne Michaels had played the game before – cast members perform on “Saturday Night Live” for a few seasons, then leave the show to pursue careers in Hollywood or other walks of entertainment. Chevy Chase left in 1976; Aykroyd and Belushi left in 1979; even Eddie Murphy (though not under Lorne’s reign) left in 1984.

    It had been five full seasons since Lorne Michaels returned to “Saturday Night Live”, and there was danger of his current cast following the dreams of his original cast – in fact, Jon Lovitz and Nora Dunn didn’t return this season, so it was time for Lorne to think about discovering new talent for the show. Instead of finding himself stuck at the last minute, Lorne decided to overpopulate the cast, as a precaution. Along with the returning familiar faces of Dana Carvey, Phil Hartman, Jan Hooks, Victoria Jackson, Dennis Miller, Mike Myers and Kevin Nealon, Lorne brought in new talent Chris Farley and Chris Rock, as well as aspiring performers below them such as David Spade, Adam Sandler, Tim Meadows, Rob Schneider and Julia Sweeney. If any of the remaining longtime veterans left the show, there would be plenty of performers available to take their places.

    The end result? A comedy explosion, exposing “Saturday Night Live” to some of its wildest, funniest and most unforgettable moments ever.

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Kyle McLachlan: 09/29/90


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    September 29th, 1990

    Kyle McLachlan

    Sinead O’Connor

    None

    Sinead O’Connor, “Three Babies”

  • A Message From Iraq

    Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

  • Kyle McLachlan’s Monologue

  • Bad Idea Jeans

  • Sprockets

    Recurring Characters: Dieter.

  • Twin Peaks

  • Sinead O’Connor performs “Three Babies”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • Luther Campbell

  • All Things Scottish

    Recurring Characters: Stuart Rankin.

  • Sinead O’Connor performs “The Last Day Of Our Acquaintance”

  • Frank Sinatra & George Michael

    Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, George Michael.

  • Lonesome Cowboys II

    SNL Transcripts

  • Bad Idea Jeans

    Bad Idea Jeans

    Guy #1…..Kevin Nealon

    [ open on group of guys sitting on a bench on a basketball court, laughing ]

    Guy #1: Hey, we’ve got our apartment. We ripped up the floors, pipes, wiring, and having everything completely redone.

    Guy #2: You’re renting, right?

    Guy #1: Yeah.

    [ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]

    Guy #3: Well, he’s an ex free-base addict, and he’s trying to turn around, and he needs a place to stay for a couple of months.

    [ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]

    Guy #1: [ tosses bottle to Guy #2 ] Head’s up!

    Guy #4: Now that I have kids, I feel a lot better having a gun in the house.

    [ image on screen: BAD IDEA ] [ close-up of the jeans they’re wearing, the label reads: BAD IDEA JEANS ]

    Guy #3: I thought about it, and even though it’s over, I’m going to tell my wife about the affair.

    [ image on screen: BAD IDEA ] [ more shots of BAD IDEA jeans ]

    Guy #5: I don’t know the guy, but I’ve got two kidneys and he needs one, so I figured..

    [ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]

    Guy #2: Normally I wear protection, but then I thought, “When am I gonna make it back to Haiti?”

    [ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]

    Announcer: Bad Idea Jeans.

    [ shows a group of tough looking basketball players on the court ]

    Guy #1: Hey, you guys ready? Let’s bet these guys! A hundred bucks.. make that two hundred! Two hundred bucks!

    [ fade to image on screen: BAD IDEA JEANS ] [ fade out ]

    Thanks to Tony DuMont for this transcript.

    http://www.specialcabledeals.com/comcast-triple-play-deals-.html

    A Message From Iraq


    A Message From Iraq

    President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
    Moderator…..Phil Hartman
    Tadir Havadabadi…..Tom Davis
    Jan Hooks…..Malid Haziz Amani
    Amad Havim Adabadi…..Kevin Nealon


    [ open on still image of Saddam Hussein, over Iraqi chant music ]

    Announcer: You are watching Iraqi State Television. The following is an unedited address by the President of the United States, George Bush.

    [ dissolve to President Bush in the Oval Office ]

    President George Bush: Good evening. Now, first of all, I’d like to thank the Iraqi government, for giving me this second opportunity to talk to the Iraqi people. You know, when I last spoke to you a few weeks back, apparently I failed to convey just how seriously the United States views the illegal seizure of Kuwait down there. My mistake, I believe, was in using the vague, euphemistic code words of international diplomacy. So, tonight I’m gonna speak to you in the kind of language that every Arab, every Iraqi, can understand.

    You see, your leader – the godless liar, Saddam Hussein – is nothing more than a hyena in the skin of a lion. He thinks to frighten us, like sheep, with his loud braying – nah gah do it! America’s no sheep waiting to be seized by a hyena! Rather, it’s a great scorpion! Which deals a deadly sting to those who would crush it! Stinging! Stinging! Stinging!

    You know, I’ve been in cose consultation with Speaker Foley, Senator Dole and Mitchell over there, in that place where they are down there! And, like me, they agree: the American people are not afraid of war. They don’t fear death. But, rather, welcome death as a glorious martyrdom The reward of those who die in battle for the one true God, Jesus Christ! And your leader, the hyena, Saddma Hussein, thinks he can climb into the pit with the American cobra, and charm it with the music of his lies. But remember, Mr. Hussein: the venom of the American cobra spits far and true! Not spittin’ yet – wouldn’t be prudent! But, rest assured, that cobra will strike! [ hisses ]

    As the prophet has written: [ speaks in Iraqi ] “Your children shall wander aimlessly. There reason shall desert them, and they shall not know where there fathers’ bones are buried.”

    You know, this summer I was up in Kennenbunkport, Maine – relaxing, in that relaxation mode – while our armies, our great armies, lay poised on the brink of a great war. My wife, Bar, turned to me, and what she said speaks for Americans everywhere. “Jackals”, said Bar. “Jackals will slake their thirst on the blood of Iraqi soldiers, and their entrails shall stink in the sun and be food for hogs!”

    So, to sum up: Hussein, lion’s clothing – really a hyena; America, both a scorpion and a cobra [ hisses ]; jackals, slaking their thirst, entrails stinking, food for hogs. Good night!

    [ dissolve to moderated Ieaqi forum ]

    Moderator: You have been listening to an address by the President of the United States. Here, with an analysis, are: Tadir Havadabadi.. Malid Haziz.. and Amad Havim Adabadi. Tadir, how do you think Bush did?

    Tadir Havadabadi: I was impressed. This was a new George Bush. A mad man I think we can deal with.

    Moderator: Malid?

    Malid Haziz: Well, after his first speech, Bush desperately needed a hit. Tonight, I think he got a home run. I do. I do.

    Moderator: Amad?

    Amad Havim Adabadi: I was especially struck by the part about our children not knowing where are bones are buried. I’ve got several grandchildren, I want them to know where my bones are buried!

    Moderator: This has been Iraqi State TV’s special coverage of an address by the President of the United States. Later tonight, “Kojak”. This week, Kojak is cortnered by members of the mob. But, first: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

    SNL Transcripts

    Kyle MacLachlan’s Monologue


    Kyle MacLachlan’s Monologue

    …..Kyle MacLachlan


    Kyle MacLachlan: Thank you very much. Nice to be here, and its an honor to be hosting the opening show of “Saturday Night Live”. Well, one of the reasons any actor wants to host this show is in order to show another side of his talent and personality. And in my case since most of you probably know me from the eccentric character I played on “Blue Velvet” and uh.. of course, Agent Cooper from “Twin Peaks”. I.. uh.. was especially anxious for you to see what I’m like as a person. So this may seem a little unusual – I don’t know if they’ve done this before – but I thought I’d open up the floor to any questions you might have about me. So? [ Woman in Audience raises her hand ] Yeah?

    Woman in Audience: Yeah, um.. where you from?

    Kyle MacLachlan: Yakuma, Washington. [ First Man in Audience raises his hand ] Yeah?

    First Man in Audience: Is your name pronounced Mac – clock – land?

    Kyle MacLachlan: Its Mac – loc – land, close. Its Scottish. [ Second Male in Audience raises his hand ] Yeah.

    Second Man in Audience: Uh, yeah.. this isn’t so much a question about you – but I’m a big “Twin Peaks” fan, and I was kind of wondering: are we going to find out this year who killed Laura Palmer?

    Kyle MacLachlan: Yeah, its.. uh.. it’s Shelly the waitress, and uh.. they’re going to reveal that in the last episode, so.. [ looks around casually ] Any more questions, or..? Okay. Look, we’ve got a great show tonight. Sinead O’Conner is here.

    Director’s Voice: Oh, Kyle. [ Kyle looks around ] Kyle?

    Kyle MacLachlan: Yeah?

    Director’s Voice: Kyle, could you come to the control room for amoment? There’s a phone call for you.

    Kyle MacLachlan: Yeah.. okay. Um.. excuse me.

    [ Kyle walks off stage to the left, past television cameras and the camera crew, then walks up a hallway into the control room ]

    Operator: [ holding telephone for Kyle ] It’s David Lynch.

    Kyle MacLachlan: Oh, alright. [ takes phone ] David! Hey, are you watching?

    Voice of David Lynch: Well, there’s nothing else good on.

    Kyle MacLachlan: Well, what do you think?

    Voice of David Lynch: [ barks unintelligible slur of words ]

    Kyle MacLachlan: Well, he asked me. What am I supposed to do, lie?

    Voice of David Lynch: How long have you been in this business?!

    Kyle MacLachlan: Look, I’ve been in the business for six years, David. You know that.

    Voice of David Lynch: [ more unintelligible barking of slur words ] [ screen dissolves temporarily to a black and white photo of David Lynch, titled “Voice of David Lynch.” ]

    Voice of David Lynch: ..back to Yakuma, Washington!!

    Kyle MacLachlan: Well, what good would it be to tell.. it’s Shelly, David. I mean the episode’s been shot. It’s Shelly, okay. I mean, they’re going to find out eventually.

    Voice of David Lynch: I KNOW THAT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!DON’T TELL ANYMORE! [ barks unintelligible orders ]

    Kyle MacLachlan: Yes. Okay. Yes, sir.. Yes, yes sir. Okay, Iunderstand. Okay, I’ll try..

    Voice of David Lynch: DO IT! GET OUT OF HERE!

    Kyle MacLachlan: [ hangs up phone quietly ] Thanks. [ returns to center stage, nervously wrings his hands and faces the audience ] Uh.. uh.. excuse me, I.. uh.. I want to say one thing. Earlier, when I made the joke about Shelly the waitress killing Laura Palmer, I.. I just wanted to make sure that you all knew that it was a joke. And, uh.. I mean, obviously I wouldn’t come out here and.. and tell you that, uh.. uh.. that it was real and, uh.. and ruin my chances of being in the second season. I mean, only a real idiot who never wanted to work in Hollywood, who deserves a real big spanking, would.. uh.. would do such a stupid thing like that. So, anyway, we’ve got a great show, so stick around. We’ll be right back.

    [ zoom out to fade ]

    SNL Transcripts