Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey


Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey


Jack Handey V/O:
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.
He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her.
But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.
Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, “Dust to dust,”
some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them.
At his hanging, he told the others,
“I’ll be waiting for you in heaven – with a gun.”

SNL Transcripts

Hollywood Minute


Hollywood Minute

Donna Pearl…..Victoria Jackson
Frank Sinatra…..Phil Hartman
Sammy Davis, Jr……Tim Meadows


Donna Pearl: Hi! i’m Donna Pearl. Moviegoers are flocking to see the re-release of the 1960 epic, “Spartacus”. This restored version includes a controversial nude bathing scene, originlaly cut because its homosexual overotnes were considered too racy for 60’s audiences. Soon, ticket-buyers will be able to view another restored classic from 1960 – “Ocean’s 11”, the Vegas heist film, starring Frank Sinatra’s Rat Pack. This new version includes this scene with a young Frank Sinatra, and a young Sammy Davis, Jr.

[ cut to video footage of Frank rubbing Sammy’s back as he lounges in ahot tub ]

Frank Sinatra: Is that too hard?

Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, man, it’s heaven.

Frank Sinatra: I don’t know.. sitting here with you now – I’ve got some kooky thoughts knocking around in my brain!

Sammy Davis, Jr.: What are you talking about, man?

Frank Sinatra: Your skin.. your skin is like.. what I’m trying to say is.. if you got out of this tub and put on a dress, I’d take you out for the biggest steak you’ve ever seen! So, do I belong in a rubber orom, or what?

Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, man. Some cats dig chicks, and some catsdig other cats. And if it’s alright with you, then it’s alright with the Man Upstairs.

Frank Sinatra: Hey. Stay in there much longer, and you’re gonnalook like a raisin!

[ Sammy laughs, as Frank wraps him in a towel and sneaks a peek at hislower half – scene zooms off ]

Donna Pearl: This has been Donna Pearl, with a “Hollywood Minute”!

SNL Transcripts