Mr. No-Depth Perception


Mr. No-Depth Perception

Mr. No-Depth Perception…..Kevin Nealon
Wife…..Victoria Jackson
Mike…..Phil Hartman
Anita…..Jan Hooks
Brenda…..Julia Sweeney
Date…..Chris Farley


[ open in the kitchen of a new house ]

Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ shouting needlessly ] Now that thefurniture’s here, this place is starting to feel more like a home!

Wife: Honey, you don’t have to yell, I’m only one foot away.

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh. Sorry. Hey, let me get this trayfor you.. [ grabs tray and walks to the dining room table ]

Wife: No! No, Jerry, let me do it..!

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Nonsense. [ holds tray in front of table, and lets it drop to the floor ]

Jingle:
“Is it far, far away, or just close by
It all looks the same, when seen from the eye
of the guy they call Mr. No-Depth Perception.
He can’t explain, why to his brain
it all looks like a two-dimensional plane.
He’s Mr. No-Depth Perception.”

Announcer: Tonight’s episode: “The Dinner Party”.

[ Mr. No-Depth Perception and a friend are watching golf on television as their wives prepare the dinner ]

Mike: Wow, he’s on the green!

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Yeah, but why’s he using his putter? He’s gotta be at least 200 yards from the hole!

[ the wives enter with the dinner ]

Wife: Dinner’s on, boys! Brenda called and said that she and her date were running late, so we should start without them.

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Okay, honey! Smells great!

Mike: You guys, this is a great location! Are you prettymuch moved in now?

Wife: Yeah, just about. We.. [ sees her husband trying to chew a roll that’s still 5 feet from his mouth, so she pushes it closer ] We have one more truckload that they have to deliver.

Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ sees Anita take out a cigarette ] Oh! Here, let me get that for you! [ takes out his lighter and holds it in front of his face instead of hers ]

Anita: Uh.. Jerry, you know what? I’ve got a lighter right here, I can do it myself, okay?

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, okay. I get it – one of those feminists! Alright!

Wife: So, Mike, Anita tells me you’ve got a new hobby?

Mike: That’s right! Skydiving.

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh? I’d like to try that sometime.

Wife: Uh.. no, Jerry! No skydiving.

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, come on, don’t be a worrywart! I bet it’s a lot of fun. [ tips over the champagne bottle; Mike quickly thrusts his glass beneath the bottle, the women repeat the procedure ] You know, just ground coming up at you, pulling that rip cord at just the right time! [ finished pouring champagne, he releases the bottle onto the table – of course it crashes to the floor ]

Anita: Um.. Jerry, would you pass me a roll, please?

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, sure. [ picks up a roll and flings it across the table ]

Wife: [ picks up the basket of rolls and hands it to Anita ] Here you go.

Anita: Oh, thanks. [ a car can be heard pulling up ] Hey, is that Brenda I hear pulling up?

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Probably. Let me check. [ gets up and walks to the window to see who it is, his head crashing through one of the panes ] Yeah, it looks like her.

[ Brenda and her date enter the front door ]

Brenda: Hi, everybody! This is my boyfriend, Gary.

Gary: Hi, everyone!

Wife: Hi! Sit down!

Brenda: Oh, this looks delicious!

Wife: Oh, wait, let me get another plate. [ retreats to the kitchen ]

Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ looks at Brenda and her date, then turns to “whisper” to Mike ] I can’t believe Brenda’s dating this loser! You know what she’s after, right?! I bet he’s got money, or something!

Mike: [ embarrassed ] Jerry..

Mr. No-Depth Perception: What? Oh, relax! He can’t hear me way down there! [ Gary fidgets in his seat ] That Brenda’s a real looker, huh? I bet she had a boob job! You know, we had a little thing going last summer, me and her! Nice! Nice! [ a truck beeps outside ] Whoops! That must be the moving truck. I’d better get out there. [ runs outside ]

Wife: [ returns to the party with a plate for Brenda ] Alrighty,here we go. Where’d Jerry go?

Anita: Oh, he said he’d be right back. Something about a movingtruck?

Wife: [ worried ] Oh, no..!

Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ heard from outside ] Alright, come on, back it in, plenty of room! Back it in, plenty of room!

[ suddenly, the truck crashes into the front room, as everyone screams ]

Jingle:
“He’s Mr. No-Depth Perception!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

It’s Pat!


It’s Pat!

Barber…..George Wendt
Pat…..Julia Sweeney


Jingle:
A lot of people say, “What’s that?” It’s Pat!
A lot of people ask, “Who’s he? Or she?”
A ma’am or a sir, accept him or her
or whatever it might be.
It’s time for androgyny.
Here comes Pat!

[ open on Pat sitting in a barber’s chair ]

Barber: So, uh.. what can we do for you today, huh?

Pat: I’m going to a party tonight, and I want to look my best![ laughs uncomfortably ]

Barber: Okay.. do you want to change your look a lot, or maybe just have, you know, a trim?

Pat: I’m in your hands! Work your magic! [ laughsuncomfortably ]

Barber: [ greatly confused by the sexless appearance of the character in front of him ] You know, I don’t usually ask this.. but why don’t you tell me what you’re going to wear tonight, and that might help me out.

Pat: It’s a formal event.

Barber: Ah.. So, I guess that means you’ll be wearing..?

Pat: Black. All black.

Barber: Okay.. fine.. I’ll just give you a trim, then..

Pat: Fine.

Barber: [ still not sure what to do ] Listen.. uh.. while I’mcutting your hair, would you like some magazines to read? Perhaps Sports Illustrated? [ Pat groans ] I have Glamour!

Pat: Oh, what about People?

Barber: [ hands the magazine to it ] Alright, here you go.. [ starts to trim Pat’s hair ] Okay.. will you be taking someone special to the party tonight?

Pat: Cary. And Frances and Robin, a group of us are going.
Barber: I see.. Well, then, of course, this would be a night out for the..?

Pat: Co-workers. [ laughs uncomfortably ]

Barber: Hmm.. You have a nice head of hair here.. No, no hairloss here at all, huh?

Pat: That’s good. Both my parents had a full head of hair.

Barber: Yeah… [ laughs ] You know, the baldness gene is recessive, and uh.. carried by the female. So, now, if you had a male child, would you be certain that it would never go bald? Or would you be frightened, depending on the heredity of your spouse, that it might?

Pat: Might what?

Barber: Go bald.!

Pat: I don’t know! I just want a haircut!

Barber: Alright.. Well, okay, that’ll do it, you’re all finished. I’m sorry I got carried away there. I thought I was on to something there.. But I think we’re just about done.. [ turns the chair around to face the mirror ]

Pat: Oh, I look fabulous! I look like a million bucks! Ifeel so sexy! [ laughs uncomfortably ]

Barber: Good, good.. Tell you what, why don’t I brush you off alittle bit?

Pat: Thank you very much! I’ll look very nice for my party tonight! [ laughs uncomfortably, as the Barber brushes hair off around the breast area ] Thank you, that’s good.. [ the Barber brushes hair away from the crotch area ] Hey! That

Barber: Sorry. These little hairs tend to hide out on you..

Pat: How much do I owe you?

Barber: Well.. uh.. gee.. the price chart is right over there..[ points to a sign on the wall that reads “Haircut & Style, Men: $15, Women: $17.50” ] Those would be your various prices, for either of your various haircuts..

Pat: Alright. [ takes out some money ] Here’s a twenty.

Barber: Twenty? Okay.. so, change back from your twenty.. you’dlike some change, of course.. some change..

Pat: Alright, I know what you’re doing.

Barber: You do?

Pat: Yes. And I don’t appreciate it. [ laughs uncomfortably ]

Barber: Listen, I’m sorry.. I’ve just never been in this situation before..

Pat: You’ve never been tipped before?! I doubt that! You’revery good – you can keep the change! [ laughs uncomfortably ]

Barber: Uh.. thank you!

Jingle:
It’s time for androgyny.
That’s just Pat!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: George Dave: 05/18/91: The Shindells



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 20


90t: George Wendt / Elvis Costello

The Shindells

Danny…..Dana Carvey
Dave…..George Wendt
Singer 1…..Chris Rock
Singer 2…..Tim Meadows
Singer 3…..Chris Farley

[Sign reads “Tonite Only: The Shindell’s”, as music plays to shoo-wop, men start singing]

Danny: You were the only one, who could make me cry

Singer 1: You were the first one to tell me goodbye

Dave: Now I sit here like a fool

Singer 2: Pretending that it’s cool

All: You left me for a low standard man

Danny: Baby oh baby, you broke my heart in two

Singer 3: Now I just site here and dream of you

Dave: Every tear drop I cry

Singer 2: Reminds me that you lied

All: When you left me for a low standard man

Danny: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Dave: [pauses to think out loud, not in tune] Baby you hurt me real bad when you told me you won’t be coming home no more.

All except Dave: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Dave: [still not in tune] I remember all the nights I cried alone, but did you hear the tear drop song?

All: Tear drop song

All except Dave: Shoo-wop

Dave: [not in tune] No mama you were too busy hangin out with that guy at Jody’s barbeque, you know who I’m talking about, uh Ted something…

All: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Dave: [not in tune] It started with an ‘A’, and I wanna say Amberson but I know that’s not it, uh Atkins?

All except Dave: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Dave: [not in tune] No, Atkinson… alright baby I’m drawing a blank, but he has this big overbite-

All except Dave: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Dave: [not in tune] Remember? Anyway you said you were just gonna go look at his car for 5 minutes. Two hours later you came back with your hair all messed up-

All except Dave: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Dave: [Not in tune] Your dress all backwards, I mean you played me like a fool.

Danny: [not in tune] Listen Dave, no offense but aren’t you really as much to blame-

Singers 1, 2, 3: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Danny: [quickly says ‘Shoo-wop shoo-wop’, realizing he missed it] I mean uh, forget it, forget it, forget it, sorry.

Dave: No no tell me, what were you gonna say?

Singers 1, 2, 3: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Danny: [quickly says ‘Shoo-wop shoo-wop’] Well this is really getting to be a pattern with you man. I mean you go out with these girls who treat you like dirt, you remember Francine?

Singers 1, 2, 3: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Singer 1: Oh Francine, now she was a total psycho- Shoo-wop

All: Total psychooooo-

Dave: Ok I admit it, I have dated some losers but what bugs me about Sherry and this Ted guy-

All except Dave: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Dave: Arkin! No that’s not it. What bugs me is Danny here who all the time, sneakin around on me, never says nothing.

Danny: Well I, I-

Dave: You made me look like a horses ass, you are some friend man!

Singer 3: Hey come on guys.

All except Singer 3: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Danny: Come on stay out of this you fat slob!

All except Singer 3: Fat slooooob

Singer 3: There’s no reason to bring my weight into this, you know I have a problem.

Danny: Your problem is you eat like a fat pig.

All except Singer 3: You fat slob

Singer 2: Come on guys, come on now, we’re talking about Dave’s problem with Sherry right?

Singer 3: Yeah and the guy with the overbite- shoo-wop

All: Ted Ackersooooon

Dave: Ackerson that’s it! [hits himself in the head; dialogue begins]

Singer 1: Hey she was with a bunch of guys, man.

Dave: Why didn’t you tell me you fat pig?

Singer 3: Hey you’re just as fat as me man! [dialogue ends]

All except Singer 3: Maybe faaaatter

Danny: Hey you know the point is everybody knew, man.

Singer 1: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

Hans…..Dana Carvey
Franz…..Kevin Nealon
Himself…..Steven Seagal


Announcer: Good evening, and welcome again to “PumpingUp With Hanz & Franz”, the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.

Together: Welcome! We’re back!

Hans: Alright. Once again, I am Hans…

Franz: And I am Franz. And we just want to…

Together: pump… [They clap]…you up!

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Alright, first of all, let’s clear something up. You know, many people have accused us of being involved with steroids.

Hans: Ja. They are right! But let me explain—to us, those steroids are something different!

Franz: Ja. They are the people who stop on the street and stare at our amazing pumpitude!

Hans: Hence, we call them Steroids!

Franz: Alright. Enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to…

Together: pump… [They clap]…you up!

Franz: You know, the big news this summer is, our cousin Arnold is coming out with a new blockbuster action movie. Doesn’t surprise us.

Hans: Ja. You know, Arnold is sure to beat out all the competition from these other second-rate action-movie stars!

Franz: ie, Sylvester Stallone, Rambo, Rocky…You know, all those guys!

Hans: That’s right, you know—Charles Bronson Pinchot, all of them! You know, it’s a laugh to even compare them to Arnold! Look at me, Franz; I am laughing!

Franz: Ja! So am I, Hans!

[They laugh on, oblivious to the presence of Steven Seagal who has just walked up behind them and simply stands there]

Hans: Ja, we are laughing—And what about this guy, Steven Seagal?

Franz: Ja! Hear me now and believe me later…Arnold could easily rip Steven Seagal’s skinny little arms off and use them as dental floss!

Hans: Ja, unwaxed! [They mime flossing their teeth, then suddenly notice Seagal for the first time] Mr. Seagal! I didn’t see you!

Steven Seagal: I couldn’t help overhearing what you guys were saying, you know…

Hans: Oh, you’re so quiet; how long were you back there? We were just talking…

Steven Seagal: Look, fellas—let’s not confuse the issue here. I don’t wanna compare myself to these other stars; they’re great and everything like that. But what I do is unique…You see, I follow—Zen.

Hans: Oh, we know Zen. First we lift a barbell…

Franz: …Zen we lift another…

Hans: …Zen another…

Franz: …Zen another…and Zen another…

Hans: …And Zen another…

Franz: …And Zen we are done.

Steven Seagal: Nah, I don’t think you guys understand what I’m talking about; maybe I could demonstrate. I’d like to hold my little finger out and let you guys push on it.

Franz: Ah—Well, before you make this rash decision, maybe you should see what you’re up against.

Hans: Ja. Take a look, Steven…

[Hans and Franz flex their muscles superiorly, although Seagal seems impressed]

Hans & Franz: [adlibs of “Now what do you think about that?”]

Steven Seagal: Looks to me like you guys are, like, really constipated; maybe you could drink some prune juice or something. I don’t know who taught you that stuff, but it looks kind of silly. You know what I’m saying?

Hans: All right, put it out…Go! [Seagal holds out the little finger on his right hand; Hans and Franz proceed to push on it but can’t budge it an inch] All right—Push, Franz!

Franz: I am pushing, Hans! But Steven’s baby finger is too strong!!

Hans: It’s a Super-Baby-Finger!! [They stop to catch their wind] I’m very impressed, Mr. Seagal; maybe we misjudged you.

Franz: Ja, maybe you’re not a girlie-man after all, Mr. Seagal.

Steven Seagal: Sure thing; anytime, fellas…Just try and remember the Zen of things, okay? Have a nice one.

Franz: Ah—certainly, Mr. Seagal. Good day. [Seagal departs]

Hans: You know, Franz, Steven’s pinkie has taught us a great lesson.

Franz: Ja, maybe there would be a better way to pummel a girlie-man than muscle against flab.

Hans: Fist against poop-filled diaper.

Franz: Are you thinking what I’m thinking…?

[Segue into the “Pumping Up” opening sequence, but with the life-size cutouts of Arnold Schwarzenegger replaced by those of Steven Seagal. Moreover, Hans and Franz both wear ponytails and black leather jackets;they also talk in Seagal-like monotones]

Together: Welcome. We’re back.

Hans: Once again, I’m Hans.

Franz: Ja, and I’m Franz.

Togeter: And we just want to pump… [They lightly bring the tips of their pinkies together]…you up.

[Segue back to the “Pumping Up” set as we know it, with the life-size Arnold Schwarzenegger cutouts]

Hans: …On second thought, I would hate to use just my pinkie and not the rest of these god-like muscles!

Franz: …Ja! Me too, exactly! Mind over matter is great, but let’s not forget muscle over matter!

[They flex some more, then…]

Together: Live from New York, it’s Saturday… [Theyclap]…Night!

Submitted by: Patrick Jackson

SNL Transcripts

Bill Swerski’s Super Fans

Bill Swerski’s Super Fans

Bob Swerski…..George Wendt
Carl Wollarski…..Robert Smigel
Todd O’Conner…..Chris Farley
Pat Arnold…..Mike Myers


Show opens at Ditka’s Restaurant, Chicago

Bob Swerski: Hello, and welcome to another edition of Bill Swerski’s Superfans. I’m Bob Swerski, sittin’ in for my brother Bill, who is still recovering from that dreadful heart attack. With me as always are the Superfans, Pat Arnold-

Pat Arnold: Hey Bob.

Bob Swerski: Carl Wollarski-

Carl Wollarski: Hey Bob.

Bob Swerski: And Todd O’Conner-

Todd O’Conner: How are ya’ Bob?

Bob Swerski: Real good. Real good. Once again, we’re comin’ to ya from Ditka’s Restaurant in the heart of Chicago, the city of the big shoulders, and home to a certain team, which come January will run roughshod over the competition in Super Bowl XXVI. A team that is known as…..Da Bears!

Superfans: (Lifting their beer mugs) Da Bears!

Todd O’Conner: Why are we so blessed?

Bob Swerski: Well, we’ll get to that later Todd, but first off, we’re gettin’ ready to enjoy today’s basketball game folks, in which the Detroit Pistons are gonna run into a certain team from a certain town known for it’s Polish Sausage, assumed to be the home of….Da Bulls!

Superfans: (Lifting their beer mugs again) Da Bulls!

Bob Swerski: Okay, some predictions from the sports fans on today’s game. Pat?

Pat Arnold: Bulls, one forty-nine to twenty-tree.

Bob Swerski: Carl?

Carl Wollarski: Bulls, one forty-nine to fifty-two.

Bob Swerski: Okay, some difference in opinion there between you guys. Todd?

Todd O’Conner: Bulls, four hundred and two to zip!

Bob Swerski: Okay! Real good!

Todd O’Conner: But, Michael Jordan will be held to under two-hundred points.

Bob Swerski: Todd, one-hundred points is the record.

Todd O’Conner: “Was”.

Superfans: Da Bulls!

Bob Swerski: As you know, basketball is a pleasant diversion, but let us get back to a more serious topic-

Pat Arnold: Da Bears!

Superfans: Da Bears!

Bob Swerski: Now when we were last privileged to observe Da Bears, they were playing the Giants in the Postseason. The final score of that game was thirty-one to three, and I shant say who won. Pat, what happened?

Pat Arnold: I think its pretty obvious Coach Ditka had his mind on more important things.

Carl Wollarski: There was a war on, my friend.

Todd O’Conner: Thats right, our boyssss were overseassss.

Pat Arnold: Yeah. Ditka was probably too busy helping Schwarzkopf.

Todd O’Conner: Yeah, like that Hail Mary. Tell me that didn’t have Ditka’s name ALL OVER IT!

Bob Swerski: Mmm..Hmm. Absolutley. Absolutley. (A waitress comes holding a tray of nachos and beers)

Waitress: Did you guys order the uhhh..nachos or the beers?

Superfans: Da beers!

Pat Arnold: You know gentlemen, I may not even watch the basketball game today.

Bob Swerski: Yeah?

Pat Arnold: I may turn my attention to the Indianapolis 500.

Bob Swerski: Well, at least the outcome of that is in question. Who do you gentlemen like in a race? Now the favorites are Rick Mears, A.J. Foyt, and Gary Bettenhousen.

Pat Arnold: I like Mears.

Carl Wollarski: Mears.

Todd O’Conner: MEARS!

Superfans: Rick Mears!

Bob Swerski: Now what if Da Bears were to enter the Indianapolis 500? Uhhh, what would you predict would be the outcome, huh?

Todd O’Conner: How would they compete?

Bob Swerski: Well, let’s say they rode together in a big bus.

Carl Wollarski: Is Ditka driving?

Bob Swerski: Of course.

Carl Wollarski: Then I like Da Bears!

Bob Swerski: Sure.

Todd O’Conner: Yeah, I gotta go with Da Bear Bus!

Superfans: Da Bear Bus!

Carl Wollarski: Bus full of Bears!

Pat Arnold: See, I don’t know, you know, I may still have to go with Mears, you know? But you guys figure it out.

Bob Swerski: That’s all right Pat. There are no easy questions in this life my friend. Except for one, that of couse being the triumphant party at next year’s Super Bowl.

Pat Arnold: I know of whom you speak.

Bob Swerski: Let’s just say that the winner shall be a certain team, from a certain Mid-western town, that starts with a “C”, ends with an “O”, and in the middle is “HICAG”. (The Superfans raise their beer mugs in agreement)

Todd O’Conner: (Reading a newspaper) Ya know, believe it or not Bob, according to the odds-makers, San Fransisco is favored to win the Super Bowl.

Bob Swerski: San Fransisco huh? Well, you know whO’s gonna be happy about that then. Da queers!

Superfans: Da queers!

Bob Swerski: Well, we’ll see ya’ next week. Now what if Da Bears had entered The Preakness?

Superfans: Da Bears!

Thanks to Justin Chilinski for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

The Dark Side with Nat X

The Dark Side with Nat X

Nat X…..Chris Rock
Andrew Dice Clay…..Steven Seagal
Sandman…..Chris Farley


Announcer: Live, from Compton, California—It’s “TheDark Side With Nat X”. The only show on TV written bya brother, produced by a brother, and strictly for thebrothers! Now, get ready for a man who’s so black,he’s worth his weight in oil—step back, ’cause herecomes Nat!

Nat X: Peace, brothers and sisters! I’m Nat X andwelcome to the Dark Side, the only 15-minute show onTV! Why only 15 minutes? Because if the man gave meanything less, it would be a commercial! I think weall know who the man is! I’m talking about the sameman who calls a white mouse a pet and feeds it cheese,and calls a black mouse a rat and tries to kill it!I’m talking about the same man who invented the gameof pool: a game in which the player uses a white balland a stick to knock a bunch of colored balls off atable and into a bunch of holes!

Alright, y’all. It’s about time for Viewer Mail!Sandman! Come on out here and read me a letter!

[Sandman the Clown enters and takes a seat]

Sandman: Tonight’s letter—“Dear Nat, you seem like avery tense man. What do you do to relax?”

Nat X: Well, I like to go bowling. There’s nothinglike taking that big black ball and knocking it intothose ten white pins with the red necks!

[Suddenly camera zooms in on Nat, with siren sound effects]

Oh, no! Here it come! There go the White-Man Cam! Getoutta here! Get outta here!!

[Graphic image of jail bars appear in front of Nat, ashe mimes being in prison]

That’s how you want me! But you’re not gonna get me!That’s what you wanna see! That’s what you wanna see!!The White-Man Cam! You know, I haven’t had that muchfun since Aunt Jemima took that rag off her head!

And now it’s time for the Top Five List! Why five?Because ten would make the man loose sleep! Tonight:The Top Five Reasons the L.A. Cops Beat Up Rodney King.

Reason #5: They hate paperwork.

Reason #4: They thought he was Mexican.

Reason #3: They were trying to impress Jodie Foster.

Reason #2: They were upset over the portrayal of whitepeople on “In Living Color.”

And the #1 Reason the L.A. Cops Beat up Rodney King:They just saw “New Jack City.”

And that’s the Top Five! Our first guest tonight isone of the most controversial comedians in thecountry. Please welcome Andrew Dice Clay!

[Dice enters set]

Dice: It’s a beautiful thang!

Nat X: Sit yo white ass down.

[Dice takes a seat]

Dice: How ya doin’ Nat. It’s great to be on your show here.

Nat X: Glad you could make it, Mister Dice! Iunderstand you got a lot of free time on your handssince “Adventures of Ford Fairlaine.”

Dice: What are you talkin’ about? “Ford Fairlaine” wasone of the greatest movies ever made! And I kick any[expletives deleted] you could name that didn’t makethat kinda money!

Nat X: [holds up a VHS copy] Well, I’m not sayin’ itwas a bomb, but last week the Ku Klux Klan tied one ofthese under my car!

Dice: It wasn’t my fault; it was the critics, ya know!They’re just a bunch of over-[more expletives deleted]

Nat X: So what’s next for you? You got a movie comin’out this summer? How about next summer?

Dice: Nah, but I’m amazin’ anyway!!

Nat X: Okay, Cracker Boy, I got a nursery rhyme foryou: “There once was a whitey named Dice, Who lookedlike Fonzie on steroids…blah blah blah blah, blah blahblah blah, my big black foot in yo ass!”

[Close music starts up]

Nat X: Wow! I guess our 15 minutes is up! Check us outnext week, with Stupid White People Tricks. Peace!

Submitted by: Patrick Jackson

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller


Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
Gen. Norman Schwartzkoff…..Chris Farley
…..Chris Rock


[ Music Over: “Go Your Own Way”, Fleetwood Mac ]

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with anchroperson Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell you?

President Bush reported that he shed ten pounds in the last three weeks, and hopes to lose another 165 pounds by November 1992.
[ show picture of Bush with Quayle ] [ over picture of Kissinger next to a U.S. map ]Henry Kissinger flipped out this week on “The CBS Morning News”, and began revealing the secret location of missile silos in the midwestern United States.

An additional 47 1/2 hours of President Nixon’s Watergate tapes will be made public this summer, said the National Archives this week. If the tapes do well, Nixon may be coming out with a new album in the Fall.

Dennis Miller: This week, General Norman Scwartzkoff got into some hot water, speaking to the West Point cadet corps. He called Pentagon insiders who criticized the Army “military fairies”, a phrase which offended some of the gay and lesbian community. Here to clarify his meaning, is General “Stormin'” Norman Schwartzkoff. Welcome, General!

Gen. Norman Schwartzkoff: Well, thank you, Dennis! Let me say right off that, when I used the term “fairy”, I was speaking colloquially. Where I grw up in New Jersey, the word “fairy” was often substituted for other terms. For instance, on my block, the Staten Island Ferry is called the Statan Island Gay Boy. And, of course, we all believed in the Tooth Faggot! Let’s not let this minor incident diminish the fact that our combined forces kicked some Iraqi butt! Hell, we got the damn thing on video cassette! Those Iraqis are lucky I had an army, ’cause if I didn’t, I would have been forced to go over there myself and personally beat the livin’ tar out of each and every individual who came within my parameter! [ stands ] And I’ll tell you one more thing: I want Holyfield! I want Holyfield! I showed you what these guns can do in the Middle East, now I’m gonna show what they can do in the ring! This summer, Atlantic City, the Taj Mahal: Holyfield/Schwartzkoff!! It’s the War on the Shore! I’m the Whale That Prevails! Vander, you’re going DOWN, Sir! In three! You will take your punishment! [ rips open shirt to reveal “Stormin’ Norman” t-shirt ]

Dennis Miller: General Norman Schwartzkoff, folks. You need one of those spit shields from the salad bar..

Spike Lee and Anthony Quinn posed at the Cannes Film Festival in the south of France this week, where they propsed plans to do a new film together, called “The Nike High Tops of the Fisherman”.

Dennis Miller: In the past few weeks, there’s been speculation that President Bush will drop Vice-President Dan Quayle from the Republican ticket, and replace him with Colin Powell, giving Mr. Powell the chance to become the country’s first black Vice-President. More on this story, from our “Saturday Night Live” news correspondent. Please welcome Chris Rock. Chris?

Chris Rock: Thank you, Dennis! Now, as you know, there’s a lot of talk about a black Vice-President, and I want to tell the world that it’s not gonna happen. As long as you live, you wil never see a black Vice-President. You know why? ‘Cause some black guy will just kill the President, that’s why. I would do it. If Colin Powell was Vice-President, I would kill the President, and tlel his mother about it, okay? What would happen? What would they do? What are they gonna do, put me in jail with a bunch of black guys who are gonna treat me like a hero for the rest of my life? I would be the biggest star in jail, man! Guys would be coming up to me, I’d be signing autographs: “97-KY, there you go!” Guys would be saying, “Hey, man, you the brother that shot Bush! And you told his mother about it, huh? Yo, I hope my children turn out to be just like you, man! You know, I was getting ready to rape you, until I realized who you were!” And even if they had a death penalty, what would would happen? I would just get pardoned by the black President! So, as you can see, Dennis, it would not be in George Bush’s best interests to place Colin Powell on the ticket. Thanks a lot, Dennis!

Dennis Miller: Chris Rock!

Superbowl champion New York Giant coach, Bill Parcells, is leaving his job as Head Coach of the team. Parcells told the press that he told the guys not to dump Gatorade on him again, they went ahead and did it, so he’s gone

Dennis Miller: Well, this is my last show.. I want to thank all the people I worked with, you couldn’t ask for a nicer group of people. And I want to thank all of you. It’s been my real privilege to work here, and I’ll msis it a lot. Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am out of here!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steven Seagal: 04/20/91: Nico Tenelli



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 18


90r: Steven Seagal / Michael Bolton

Nico Tenelli

Nico Tenelli…..Steven Seagal
Richmeister…..Rob Schneider
Police Chief…..Phil Hartman
Police Officer #1…..Julia Sweeney
Police Officer #2…..Chris Farley

[focus on a detective’s office]

Police Chief: Tenelli, I’ve had about all I can stand of your kind of police work. Improper searches, beatings, suspects, ever heard of a little thing called the Bill of Rights? Now I’ve got the ACLU up my behind and the DA has to throw out these indictments! [slams paper on desk]

Nico Tenelli: I caught these two guys with three kilos of cocaine, what do you think they were doing with it, making chalk for girls’ softball games?

Police Chief: Nico, as long as I’m running this department, everybody has civil rights, including drug dealers. And just to make sure you get the picture, Tenelli, I’m taking you off the streets. I want your badge and I want your gun. We’ll see how tough you are sitting behind a typewriter. [Tenelli hands over his badge] Is that clear? [Tenelli hands over his gun]

Nico Tenelli: Yeah, it’s clear. [leaves the office]

Police Officer #1: Welcome to the trenches, Nico. [hands him a paper]

Nico Tenelli: What you want me to do with this?

Police Officer #1: Make three copies, file one, send two to headquarters.

Nico Tenelli: Let me see your head… [strokes her hair and heads toward the door to the copy room]

Police Officer #2: Well, a little less action than you’re used to, huh Nico?

Nico Tenelli: Yeah. [shoves him to the ground and enters the copy room, where he begins to make copies]

Richmeister: Nico! Nico Tenelli, the Tenellimeister, all right! Detective Tenelli, makin’ copies, the Tenellinator!

Nico Tenelli: Hey Rich.

Richmeister: Tenellitola! The guy who breaks the rules, the rule breakster!

Nico Tenelli: Yeah, I’m just trying to make a couple copies, now let me…

Richmeister: Nico Nicopolis!

Nico Tenelli: Do me a favor, shut up, all right?

Richmeister: Nico, the lone wolf! El lobo solo!

Nico Tenelli: I’m not in the mood for this, you know?

Richmeister: All right, Nico. Not in the mood! Bad moon for the Niguana!

Nico Tenelli: Listen to me, I’m serious, I think you’d better shut up now, you know what I’m saying?

Richmeister: [singing in an operatic tone] Nickski!

Nico Tenelli: [walking Richmeister to copy machine] Come here, man, come here, I just want to show you what I’m thinking… [shoves Richmeister into copy machine, knocking it over]

Richmeister: Oh no, the Richmeister, thrown through the copy machine! Possible concussion for the Rich-Man! [Tenelli shoves him again] Nico, losing control! [Tenelli hangs Richmeister outside of the window by his ankles] All right!

Nico Tenelli: Now, listen to me…

Richmeister: Nico, got me by my ankles! The anklemeister!

Nico Tenelli: Listen to me carefully. I don’t want you to talk about anything to me anymore, I don’t want you to say my name anymore, you hear me?

Richmeister: Everything’s upside down! Topsy turvy world for the Rich-Man! [Tenelli brings Richmeister back into the copy room]

Nico Tenelli: I don’t want you to talk to me no more, you got it?

Richmeister: All right! Nico, coolest cop on the force, hangin’ out with the Rich-Man! Nico!

Submitted by: Johnny Lurg

SNL Transcripts

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