Category: 1990

Wayne’s World

Wayne…..Mike Myers
Garth…..Dana Carvey
…..Madonna

Garth: Alright! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your host – Wayne Campbell!

Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, and it’s 10:30, it’s time to party! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay! Alright! It’s Spring, right? The time when a young man’s thoughts turn to those of fancy – ie. Chicks and babes! Alright! So now we’d like to do a salute to the Top Ten Babes Of All Time.

Wayne & Garth: [ on guitars ] “Wayne’s World! Top Ten! Babes Of All Time! Excellent!”

Wayne: Excellent! [ they take out the Top Ten Board ] The Number Ten Babe of All Time..

Garth: Can I pull it?

Wayne: That’s what she said! [ they laugh ] The Number Ten Babe of All Time is.. Julia Roberts.

Garth: What a babe!

Wayne: Good call! Major lippage! Okay.. Number Nine: Elle MacPherson. She’s a MacBabe!

Garth: Yeah! She’s a MacFox!

Wayne: [ raises crotch ] MacSchwing! Number Eight: Josephine Baker.

Garth: Remember: we said of all time.

Wayne: Okay.. you see, Josephine Baker was a babe in the twenties, who, although she was a victim of the prevailing racial morays of her native United States, become the toast of Paree, known primarily for her exotic Banana Dance.

Garth: It’s so obvious!

Wayne: Alright! Number Seven: Betty Rubble. From TV’s “THe Flinstones”.

Garth: Yeah! Even though she’s a cartoon, she’s still a fox!

Wayne: [ raises crotch ] Bamm! Bamm! Okay, Number Six: Farrah Fawcett. She redefined hairstyles for an entire generation of Mall Chicks.

Garth: Alright. Number Five: Irene Ryan – Granny, from TV’s “The Beverly Hillbillies”.

Wayne: Irene Ryan?

Garth: Yeah.

Wayne: Well.. I guess we put her there to sort of “clear the palette”, I suppose.

Garth: Okay.

Wayne: Alright. Number Four: Hearther Locklear. Grrrrooowwwwlll!!

Garth: Yeah, double yowl! Major schmooch-schwing action!

Wayne: Okay. Number Three: Garth’s Mom!

Garth: [ stunned ] Hey, Wayne, that’s my Mom! That’s gross!

Wayne: I’m sorry, I know it’s your Mom, but I’m afraid she’s a babe – [ rasues crotch ] Schwing! Sorry.

Garth: Well.. okay..

Wayne: Number Two: Kim Basinger.

Waybe & Garth: [ singing ] “I don’t want anybody else.. when I think about Kim Basinger I touch myself!”

Garth: Alright!

Wayne: I honestly do! And, lastly, the Number One Babe Of All Time! A native of the Detroit area, you may know her as the Material Girl. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you.. Madonna!

Garth: She’s the Queen of Babelonia!

Wayne: And the beauty of it is, I’ve had her.

Garth: No way!

Wayne: Way!

Garth: Yeah, in your dreams!

[ Wayne and Garth fall into a dream sequence, which lands them into Madonna’s “Justify MyLove” video ]

Garth: [ alone ] Whoa.. Wayne? Wayne, where are you? Wayne!

Wayne: I’m in here, Garth.. [ camera pans over to show Wayne sitting in bed with Madonna ]

Madonna: Hello, Garth. [ blows him a kiss ]

Garth: Oh, my God, it’s Madonna! I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy! Aaaggghhhh!!!

Wayne: Garth! Chil, chill, chill! Come on, take your ritalin! Garth.. we’re in Madonna’s bedroom. Whoa-oa!

Garth: Whoa-oa!

Wayne & Garth: [ bowing before Madonna ] We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!Madonna: Okay, shut up! You’re both worthy. Wayne.. do you want to play “Truth Or Dare”?

Wayne: Truth or Dare with me? No way!

Madonna: Way!

Wayne: No way!

Madonna: Way!

Wayne: Excellent!

Madonna: So.. Truth or Dare?

Wayne: Truth.

Madonna: Have you ever made love to women at the same time?

Wayne: Um.. yes?

Madonna: I believe you – not!

Wayne: I might make love to two women at once!

Madonna: Yeah, you might And monkeys might fly out of my butt!

Garth: Good one, Madonna!

Madonna: Thanks, Garth.

Wayne: Okay, okay, okay.. Truth or Dare?

Madonna: Dare.

Wayne: Okay. I dare you to make out with me.

Madonna: Okay, Wayne.

Wayne: Excellent!

[ Madonna pulls Wayne in and starts to kiss him hard. He looks to see other women in the room baring themselves in his direction, then returns to kissing Madinna passionately. Wayne tremors nearby, as Wayne looks up again and notices a strange man in the hall. ]

Wayne: Isn’t that Prince?

Madonna: [ looks over to notice someone else nearby ] Wow.. look at the unit on that guy..

[ we see the guy gyrating, as a close-up reveals it to be Garth ] [ Madonna continues kissing Wayne, as Garth, now in his own clothes, is groped by the women from across the hall. Garth tries to return to reality. ]

Garth: [ jumps onto the bed ] Come on, man! Let’s go!

Wayne: No, Garth! Not yet! Not yet!

Garth: Wayne, it’s too late! Let’s go!

Wayne: No! Not yet! [ he finally gives in to Garth ] Farewell, Madonna!

Madonna: Call me any time, you guys..

Wayne: Really?

Madonna: Not!

Wayne: Good one!

Madonna: Party on, Wayne. Party on, Garth.

Wayne & Garth: Party on, Madonna!

[ the dream fades out ]

Garth: I love her..

Wayne: I love her more..

[ dream fades out, we’re back in Wayne’s basement ]

Wayne: It was all a dream.. [ notices Garth dressed in the “unit” costume ] ..or was it? Whoa-oa!

Garth: [ notices how he’s dressed ] Who-oa!

Wayne: That’s all the time we have this week! Until next time, party on!

[ title up, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 18th, 1991

George Wendt

Elvis Costello

None

Elvis Costello, “So Like Candy”

Dennis Miller’s Last Show

George Wendt’s Monologue

Lil’ General Fireworks

Mr. No-Depth Perception

Bill Swerski’s Super Fans

Recurring Characters: Bob Swerski, Carl Wollarski, Pat Arnold, Todd O’Conner.

Middle-Aged Man

Recurring Characters: Middle-Aged Man.

Elvis Costello “The Other Side of Summer”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Carsenio

Recurring Characters: Johnny Carson, Ed MacMahon.

Burger Barn

The Shindells

It’s Pat

Recurring Characters: Pat.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Memories of family outings.

I’m Chillin’

Recurring Characters: Onski, B-Fats.

Elvis Costello performs “So Like Candy”

The Sunrise Show

SNL Transcripts

Burger Barn

Voice on Speaker…..Rob Schneider
Dad…..George Wendt
Mom…..Julia Sweeney
First Son…..Chris Farley
Grandma…..Jan Hooks
Second Son…..David Spade

[ open on suburban family crowded in the family car at the Burger Barn drive-thru ]

Voice on Speaker: Welcome to Burger Barn, how may I help you?

Dad: Uh.. yeah. We would like five burgers, please.

Voice on Speaker: How do you want ’em? They come with mustard, ketchup, pickle and onion.

Dad: That’s what we want.

Mom: Oh, honey, could I get mine without onions, please?

Dad: Okay, alright. One without onions.

First Son: And extra pickles on mine?

Dad: And extra pickles.

Voice on Speaker: So, one with no onions and extra pickles?

Dad: No.. no. Three lal the way, one with no onions, one all the way with extra pickles.

Voice on Speaker: Alright.

Dad: And five Cokes.

Voice on Speaker: What size?

[ family starts talking all at once ]

Dad: MEDIUM!! Medium, please.

Grandma: I don’t want a Coke, I want a glass of water.

Dad: Okay, four medium Cokes, one glass of water.

Voice on Speaker: I can give you the water, but I’ll have to charge you for a Coke.

Dad: Alright. I’ll pay for it.

Voice on Speaker: How about fries?

Dad: Uh.. yeah! Make it five orders of fries.

Grandma: Uh, well, if he’s gonna charge you for a Coke anyway, I’ll just have a Coke..

Dad: Okay, okay.. make it five medium Cokes, and just forget the water.

Second Son: [ pointing ] Hey, Dad, look! If you order a Buster Burger, the fries come with it! And that’s cheaper than a regular hamburger and fries!

Dad: [ thinking ] Wait a minute.. wait a minute..

Voice on Speaker: Yes, sir?

Dad: Uh, yeah.. make it five Buster Burgers, three all the way, one without onions, one with onions and extra pickles, and that all comes with fries, right?

Voice on Speaker: Yes, sir. And with lettuce and tomatoes.

Dad: Good. Well, put it on all five.

Mom: Honey, if I’m getting lettuce and tomatoes, then I don’t want mustard.

Dad: Okay, hold on here, we have a change.. We want five Buster Burgers, two all the way, one all the way with extra pickles, one with ketchup, pickle, lettuce and tomatoes, and one with mustard, ketchup, pickle and onions..

Voice on Speaker: Okay.

Grandma: Excuse me. Excuse me, but I’m just thinking – if I’m having a cola, I can’t have red meat. Now, it’s just gonna be too much acid in my stomach. Can I get a piece of fish, or something?

Dad: Alright, alright.. cancel one of the all the way Buster Burgers, and give me a fish sandwich..

Grandma: Without fries.

Voice on Speaker: It comes with fries – no charge.

Dad: Oh. Well, wait a minute.. [ turns around ] Uh, who has the burger without lettuce?

Second Son: I do, I do, Dad!

Dad: Okay, bear with me one minute: give me three Buster Burgers, one all the way with extra pickles, one with ketchup, pickles, lettuce and tomatoes, one fish sandwich, and one regular burger with mustard, ketchup, pickle and tomatoes.. [ turns around ] And when the order gets here, you can have Grandma’s french fries.

Second Son: Cool!

Dad: Okay!

Grandma: I can’t eat fried foods..

Mom: Well, Mother, the fish is fried!

Grandma: What?! Well, then, can I just get a couple slices of bread?

Voice on Speaker: What’s that?!

Dad: Uh.. can we cancel the fish, and get two pieces of bread, please?

Voice on Speaker: We don’t have bread. I can give you a bun.

Dad: Fine! Fine!

Voice on Speaker: But I’ll have to charge you for a fish sandwich.

Dad: Well.. hey, why don’t you charge me for a burger?! It’s cheaper!

Voice on Speaker: I thought the old lady wanted a fish sandwich?

Dad: Well.. she wants a burger now! You got that? [ silence ] Hello?

Voice on Speaker: I’m confused..

Dad: Okay.. Three Buster Burgers! One all the way. One all the way with extra pickles! One with ketchup, pickles, lettuce and tomatoes! One regular burger with mustard, onions, pickles and ketchup! One burger plain, with no meat..!

First Son: Dad! If Grandma doesn’t get her fish sandwich, then Doug doesn’t get any fries.

Dad: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!! Hold it! Hold it, hold it! Cancel the burger!

Voice on Speaker: Uh.. would you people, maybe, like to come in..? Take all the time you want, you know, maybe visit our salad bar..

Mom: [ excited ] Oh, a salad bar!

[ everyone in the car starts talking all at once ]

Dad: No! No! NOOOOOOO!!! Okay, starting OVER!! FIVE burgers with EVERYTHING!! FIVE medium COKES!! THE END!!

Voice on Speaker: Right. $11.65. Please drive around.

Mom: [ chipper ] Well, see, there you are! That was easy, wasn’t it?

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Carsenio

Carsenio…..Dana Carvey
Ed McMahon…..Phil Hartman
…..George Wendt

Announcer: From NBC Studios, in Burbank, California, it’s time for “The Carsenio Show”, starring Carsenio. And now, let’s bang a gong and shake that groove thing for your party maestro! He-e-e-e-e-ere’s Carsenio!

[ the studio audience whoops and hollars as Carsenio takes the floor ]

Carsenio: This is, uh.. this is fun! This is wild stuff! Did you see this, Ed? [ raises his arm ] You just go “Whoop, whoop, whoop..!” [ audience mimics his actions ] ..and they go crazy! It’s just weird, wild stuff!

Ed McMahon: Ha ha ha! Yes!

Carsenio: Just “Whoop, whoop, whoop!” and that’s it. Alright,alright.. my name is Carsenio, and this is going to be a party!

Ed McMahon: Ha ha ha! You are correct, sir, yes!

Carsenio: Alright, now let me ask you folks something.. have youever noticed how white guys hold themselves down there? What isthat about? I mean, what are they holding down there, anyway? And have you ever noticed when white people dance? Is that wild?

Ed McMahon: Yes!

Carsenio: They simply have got No rhythm! Okay, okay..everybody chill.. Now, some of you may have heard rumors that I was sort of on my out. Well, I had a talk with the network, and let’s just say that this homeboy intends to be around for a while!

Ed McMahon: Not going anywhere, no sir!

[ studio audience “Whoop, whoop, whoops” ]

Carsenio: Alright, alright.. Now, we made a few changes, a fewlittle tweaks here and there.. [ holds up his index finger ] I had thisfinger elongated. When you’re around 29 years, you shouldn’tbe afraid to make a few little adjustments, you know, for the young people..

Ed McMahon: Young America, yes sir!

Carsenio: Ed? Ed, have you noticed? Look who’s hanging out in the doghouse tonight – my man, Tom Kite! He is kicking butt on the PGA tour! Alright, alright.. we’ve got some critical guests tonight. Doc? You wanna give me a bass groove over there? [ music plays, as Carsenio starts to groove ] Nice! That is sweet! Sweet stuff! Oh, that’s nice! Buddy Hackett is in my house! Right here! Joan Embery is in my house! Alright, we’ve got a hot one, so let’s get down to business!

[ cut to commercial ]

Announcer: Right after “Carsenio”, stay up for “Ed McMahon’s Party Machine”!

Ed McMahon: [ dancing ] Ha ha ha! Tonight: Bell Biv Devo! Ha ha ha!

Announcer: “Ed McMahon’s Party Machine”!

Ed McMahon: Yes!

[ cut back to “Carsenio” ]

Carsenio: Alright, alright.. that’s is nice. We are back! Boy,does that sound fine? That is my posse, Ed!

Ed McMahon: Yes!

Carsenio: Did you know that? It’s not called a band anymore, it’s called a “posse”! Weird, wild stuff!

Ed McMahon: That it is, sir, yes! Ha ha ha!

Carsenio: A posse. I did not know that! Now, some of you at home may not understand this lingo, which, earlier today, our staff compiled from the streets. Now, when I said my guests were in my house, what I meant was, in the “studio”.

Ed McMahon: Yes! Ha ha ha!

Carsenio: That is some weird, wild stuff! Now, according to this, an actual house is called a “crib”, but a baby crib is not necessarily called a crib. I did not know that.

Ed McMahon: Not a house, no sir!

Carsenio: No, not a house. It’s a little weird, a little skewed..

Ed McMahon: That is the straight stuff, oh Buckmaster!

Carsenio: Alright.. now, my first guest tonight, you all know. He plays Norm on the #1 show in America – “Cheers”. Let’s churn it up for Mr. George Wendt! [ Carsenio gives George the gangmember handshake and hug as he walks out ] Sit down, sit down! You are my main man! Are you my main man?

George Wendt: [ sitting ] Well, I guess so..

Ed McMahon: Main man, yes! Ha ha ha!

Carsenio: “Cheers”. That is a fresh, fly show. Now, tell me,George, I want to ask you this: how often do you do the Wild Thing?

George Wendt: Johnny, Johnny.. what are you doing here? Are youtrying to change your image? Why don’t you stick to what you do best?

Carsenio: Well, I like to think what I do best is the Wild Thing! [ audience whoops ] Is this dope? Is this dope stuff? Look at this! [ stretches across the cushions and strikes his legs through the air ]

George Wendt: [ pulls Johnny up ] Johnny, come on, now.. I’m concerned about you. A drastic personality change like this can really be very dangerous.

Carsenio: Dangerous? I did not know that? Did you know that, Ed?

Ed McMahon: [ solemn ] Yes.

George Wendt: You shouldn’t feel embarassed, this is rather common among people your age.

Ed McMahon: Secondary Latent Personality Displacement, O Great One, yes!

Carsenio: Well, this is some wild, wacky stuff! I did not knowthat. But what about these people.. [ indicates studio audience ] ..”Whoop, whoop, whoop..”?

George Wendt: Johnny, the truth is.. they’re morons.

Ed McMahon: Morons? Morons? I did not know that. Well, good night, everyone. I’ve got to wrap the show now. We’ll be back in 23 hours – you see how that works? There’s 24 hours, minus 1. Weird, wild stuff!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.
I remember we’d all pile into the car – I forget what kind it was – and drive and drive.
I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there.
The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played.
I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.”
We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home.
I guess some things never leave you.

SNL Transcripts

Dennis Miller’s Last Show

…..Dennis Miller
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on Lorne Michaels pouring a cup of coffee backstage, as Dennis Miller walks up ]

Dennis Miller: Well, Lorne.. it’s been a great six years, but.. it’s time for me to move on.

Lorne Michaels: Is this really your last show?

Dennis Miller: That’s right.

Lorne Michaels: You’re really leaving us, Dennis?

Dennis Miller: Yes. This is it.

Lorne Michaels: Are you sure?

Dennis Miller: Yes, sir.

Lorne Michaels: You’re not going to come back every week to hang out on the set like Lovitz, are you?

Dennis Miller: No. No, I’m really going.

Lorne Michaels: Because that would be pathetic. I mean, the man has no life.

Dennis Miller: This is definitely my last show.

Lorne Michaels: I mean, thank God every now and then he gets a movie..

Dennis Miller: Yeah. Well, I’m serious. This is it for me.

Lorne Michaels: Well.. okay. Is there anything special you’d like to do for your last show?

Dennis Miller: Really?

Lorne Michaels: Anything, Dennis, you name it.

Dennis Miller: Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

Lorne Michaels: Well, there’s the camera. Be my guest.

Dennis Miller: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

[ the show doesn’t start ]

Lorne Michaels: [ pats Dennis’ back ] That was great. Uh, well.. we’re gonna miss you, Dennis.

Dennis Miller: Yeah, I’m gonna miss you, too, Lorne. [ they shake hands ]

Lorne Michaels: Well, time to start the show. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Mr. No-Depth Perception

Mr. No-Depth Perception…..Kevin Nealon
Wife…..Victoria Jackson
Mike…..Phil Hartman
Anita…..Jan Hooks
Brenda…..Julia Sweeney
Date…..Chris Farley

[ open in the kitchen of a new house ]

Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ shouting needlessly ] Now that thefurniture’s here, this place is starting to feel more like a home!

Wife: Honey, you don’t have to yell, I’m only one foot away.

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh. Sorry. Hey, let me get this trayfor you.. [ grabs tray and walks to the dining room table ]

Wife: No! No, Jerry, let me do it..!

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Nonsense. [ holds tray in front of table, and lets it drop to the floor ]

Jingle:
“Is it far, far away, or just close by
It all looks the same, when seen from the eye
of the guy they call Mr. No-Depth Perception.
He can’t explain, why to his brain
it all looks like a two-dimensional plane.
He’s Mr. No-Depth Perception.”

Announcer: Tonight’s episode: “The Dinner Party”.

[ Mr. No-Depth Perception and a friend are watching golf on television as their wives prepare the dinner ]

Mike: Wow, he’s on the green!

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Yeah, but why’s he using his putter? He’s gotta be at least 200 yards from the hole!

[ the wives enter with the dinner ]

Wife: Dinner’s on, boys! Brenda called and said that she and her date were running late, so we should start without them.

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Okay, honey! Smells great!

Mike: You guys, this is a great location! Are you prettymuch moved in now?

Wife: Yeah, just about. We.. [ sees her husband trying to chew a roll that’s still 5 feet from his mouth, so she pushes it closer ] We have one more truckload that they have to deliver.

Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ sees Anita take out a cigarette ] Oh! Here, let me get that for you! [ takes out his lighter and holds it in front of his face instead of hers ]

Anita: Uh.. Jerry, you know what? I’ve got a lighter right here, I can do it myself, okay?

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, okay. I get it – one of those feminists! Alright!

Wife: So, Mike, Anita tells me you’ve got a new hobby?

Mike: That’s right! Skydiving.

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh? I’d like to try that sometime.

Wife: Uh.. no, Jerry! No skydiving.

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, come on, don’t be a worrywart! I bet it’s a lot of fun. [ tips over the champagne bottle; Mike quickly thrusts his glass beneath the bottle, the women repeat the procedure ] You know, just ground coming up at you, pulling that rip cord at just the right time! [ finished pouring champagne, he releases the bottle onto the table – of course it crashes to the floor ]

Anita: Um.. Jerry, would you pass me a roll, please?

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, sure. [ picks up a roll and flings it across the table ]

Wife: [ picks up the basket of rolls and hands it to Anita ] Here you go.

Anita: Oh, thanks. [ a car can be heard pulling up ] Hey, is that Brenda I hear pulling up?

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Probably. Let me check. [ gets up and walks to the window to see who it is, his head crashing through one of the panes ] Yeah, it looks like her.

[ Brenda and her date enter the front door ]

Brenda: Hi, everybody! This is my boyfriend, Gary.

Gary: Hi, everyone!

Wife: Hi! Sit down!

Brenda: Oh, this looks delicious!

Wife: Oh, wait, let me get another plate. [ retreats to the kitchen ]

Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ looks at Brenda and her date, then turns to “whisper” to Mike ] I can’t believe Brenda’s dating this loser! You know what she’s after, right?! I bet he’s got money, or something!

Mike: [ embarrassed ] Jerry..

Mr. No-Depth Perception: What? Oh, relax! He can’t hear me way down there! [ Gary fidgets in his seat ] That Brenda’s a real looker, huh? I bet she had a boob job! You know, we had a little thing going last summer, me and her! Nice! Nice! [ a truck beeps outside ] Whoops! That must be the moving truck. I’d better get out there. [ runs outside ]

Wife: [ returns to the party with a plate for Brenda ] Alrighty,here we go. Where’d Jerry go?

Anita: Oh, he said he’d be right back. Something about a movingtruck?

Wife: [ worried ] Oh, no..!

Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ heard from outside ] Alright, come on, back it in, plenty of room! Back it in, plenty of room!

[ suddenly, the truck crashes into the front room, as everyone screams ]

Jingle:
“He’s Mr. No-Depth Perception!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

It’s Pat!

Barber…..George Wendt
Pat…..Julia Sweeney

Jingle:
A lot of people say, “What’s that?” It’s Pat!
A lot of people ask, “Who’s he? Or she?”
A ma’am or a sir, accept him or her
or whatever it might be.
It’s time for androgyny.
Here comes Pat!

[ open on Pat sitting in a barber’s chair ]

Barber: So, uh.. what can we do for you today, huh?

Pat: I’m going to a party tonight, and I want to look my best![ laughs uncomfortably ]

Barber: Okay.. do you want to change your look a lot, or maybe just have, you know, a trim?

Pat: I’m in your hands! Work your magic! [ laughsuncomfortably ]

Barber: [ greatly confused by the sexless appearance of the character in front of him ] You know, I don’t usually ask this.. but why don’t you tell me what you’re going to wear tonight, and that might help me out.

Pat: It’s a formal event.

Barber: Ah.. So, I guess that means you’ll be wearing..?

Pat: Black. All black.

Barber: Okay.. fine.. I’ll just give you a trim, then..

Pat: Fine.

Barber: [ still not sure what to do ] Listen.. uh.. while I’mcutting your hair, would you like some magazines to read? Perhaps Sports Illustrated? [ Pat groans ] I have Glamour!

Pat: Oh, what about People?

Barber: [ hands the magazine to it ] Alright, here you go.. [ starts to trim Pat’s hair ] Okay.. will you be taking someone special to the party tonight?

Pat: Cary. And Frances and Robin, a group of us are going.
Barber: I see.. Well, then, of course, this would be a night out for the..?

Pat: Co-workers. [ laughs uncomfortably ]

Barber: Hmm.. You have a nice head of hair here.. No, no hairloss here at all, huh?

Pat: That’s good. Both my parents had a full head of hair.

Barber: Yeah… [ laughs ] You know, the baldness gene is recessive, and uh.. carried by the female. So, now, if you had a male child, would you be certain that it would never go bald? Or would you be frightened, depending on the heredity of your spouse, that it might?

Pat: Might what?

Barber: Go bald.!

Pat: I don’t know! I just want a haircut!

Barber: Alright.. Well, okay, that’ll do it, you’re all finished. I’m sorry I got carried away there. I thought I was on to something there.. But I think we’re just about done.. [ turns the chair around to face the mirror ]

Pat: Oh, I look fabulous! I look like a million bucks! Ifeel so sexy! [ laughs uncomfortably ]

Barber: Good, good.. Tell you what, why don’t I brush you off alittle bit?

Pat: Thank you very much! I’ll look very nice for my party tonight! [ laughs uncomfortably, as the Barber brushes hair off around the breast area ] Thank you, that’s good.. [ the Barber brushes hair away from the crotch area ] Hey! That

Barber: Sorry. These little hairs tend to hide out on you..

Pat: How much do I owe you?

Barber: Well.. uh.. gee.. the price chart is right over there..[ points to a sign on the wall that reads “Haircut & Style, Men: $15, Women: $17.50” ] Those would be your various prices, for either of your various haircuts..

Pat: Alright. [ takes out some money ] Here’s a twenty.

Barber: Twenty? Okay.. so, change back from your twenty.. you’dlike some change, of course.. some change..

Pat: Alright, I know what you’re doing.

Barber: You do?

Pat: Yes. And I don’t appreciate it. [ laughs uncomfortably ]

Barber: Listen, I’m sorry.. I’ve just never been in this situation before..

Pat: You’ve never been tipped before?! I doubt that! You’revery good – you can keep the change! [ laughs uncomfortably ]

Barber: Uh.. thank you!

Jingle:
It’s time for androgyny.
That’s just Pat!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 20

90t: George Wendt / Elvis Costello

The Shindells

Danny…..Dana Carvey
Dave…..George Wendt
Singer 1…..Chris Rock
Singer 2…..Tim Meadows
Singer 3…..Chris Farley

[Sign reads “Tonite Only: The Shindell’s”, as music plays to shoo-wop, men start singing]

Danny: You were the only one, who could make me cry

Singer 1: You were the first one to tell me goodbye

Dave: Now I sit here like a fool

Singer 2: Pretending that it’s cool

All: You left me for a low standard man

Danny: Baby oh baby, you broke my heart in two

Singer 3: Now I just site here and dream of you

Dave: Every tear drop I cry

Singer 2: Reminds me that you lied

All: When you left me for a low standard man

Danny: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Dave: [pauses to think out loud, not in tune] Baby you hurt me real bad when you told me you won’t be coming home no more.

All except Dave: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Dave: [still not in tune] I remember all the nights I cried alone, but did you hear the tear drop song?

All: Tear drop song

All except Dave: Shoo-wop

Dave: [not in tune] No mama you were too busy hangin out with that guy at Jody’s barbeque, you know who I’m talking about, uh Ted something…

All: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Dave: [not in tune] It started with an ‘A’, and I wanna say Amberson but I know that’s not it, uh Atkins?

All except Dave: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Dave: [not in tune] No, Atkinson… alright baby I’m drawing a blank, but he has this big overbite-

All except Dave: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Dave: [not in tune] Remember? Anyway you said you were just gonna go look at his car for 5 minutes. Two hours later you came back with your hair all messed up-

All except Dave: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Dave: [Not in tune] Your dress all backwards, I mean you played me like a fool.

Danny: [not in tune] Listen Dave, no offense but aren’t you really as much to blame-

Singers 1, 2, 3: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Danny: [quickly says ‘Shoo-wop shoo-wop’, realizing he missed it] I mean uh, forget it, forget it, forget it, sorry.

Dave: No no tell me, what were you gonna say?

Singers 1, 2, 3: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Danny: [quickly says ‘Shoo-wop shoo-wop’] Well this is really getting to be a pattern with you man. I mean you go out with these girls who treat you like dirt, you remember Francine?

Singers 1, 2, 3: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Singer 1: Oh Francine, now she was a total psycho- Shoo-wop

All: Total psychooooo-

Dave: Ok I admit it, I have dated some losers but what bugs me about Sherry and this Ted guy-

All except Dave: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Dave: Arkin! No that’s not it. What bugs me is Danny here who all the time, sneakin around on me, never says nothing.

Danny: Well I, I-

Dave: You made me look like a horses ass, you are some friend man!

Singer 3: Hey come on guys.

All except Singer 3: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Danny: Come on stay out of this you fat slob!

All except Singer 3: Fat slooooob

Singer 3: There’s no reason to bring my weight into this, you know I have a problem.

Danny: Your problem is you eat like a fat pig.

All except Singer 3: You fat slob

Singer 2: Come on guys, come on now, we’re talking about Dave’s problem with Sherry right?

Singer 3: Yeah and the guy with the overbite- shoo-wop

All: Ted Ackersooooon

Dave: Ackerson that’s it! [hits himself in the head; dialogue begins]

Singer 1: Hey she was with a bunch of guys, man.

Dave: Why didn’t you tell me you fat pig?

Singer 3: Hey you’re just as fat as me man! [dialogue ends]

All except Singer 3: Maybe faaaatter

Danny: Hey you know the point is everybody knew, man.

Singer 1: Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

Bill Swerski’s Super Fans

Bob Swerski…..George Wendt
Carl Wollarski…..Robert Smigel
Todd O’Conner…..Chris Farley
Pat Arnold…..Mike Myers

Show opens at Ditka’s Restaurant, Chicago

Bob Swerski: Hello, and welcome to another edition of Bill Swerski’s Superfans. I’m Bob Swerski, sittin’ in for my brother Bill, who is still recovering from that dreadful heart attack. With me as always are the Superfans, Pat Arnold-

Pat Arnold: Hey Bob.

Bob Swerski: Carl Wollarski-

Carl Wollarski: Hey Bob.

Bob Swerski: And Todd O’Conner-

Todd O’Conner: How are ya’ Bob?

Bob Swerski: Real good. Real good. Once again, we’re comin’ to ya from Ditka’s Restaurant in the heart of Chicago, the city of the big shoulders, and home to a certain team, which come January will run roughshod over the competition in Super Bowl XXVI. A team that is known as…..Da Bears!

Superfans: (Lifting their beer mugs) Da Bears!

Todd O’Conner: Why are we so blessed?

Bob Swerski: Well, we’ll get to that later Todd, but first off, we’re gettin’ ready to enjoy today’s basketball game folks, in which the Detroit Pistons are gonna run into a certain team from a certain town known for it’s Polish Sausage, assumed to be the home of….Da Bulls!

Superfans: (Lifting their beer mugs again) Da Bulls!

Bob Swerski: Okay, some predictions from the sports fans on today’s game. Pat?

Pat Arnold: Bulls, one forty-nine to twenty-tree.

Bob Swerski: Carl?

Carl Wollarski: Bulls, one forty-nine to fifty-two.

Bob Swerski: Okay, some difference in opinion there between you guys. Todd?

Todd O’Conner: Bulls, four hundred and two to zip!

Bob Swerski: Okay! Real good!

Todd O’Conner: But, Michael Jordan will be held to under two-hundred points.

Bob Swerski: Todd, one-hundred points is the record.

Todd O’Conner: “Was”.

Superfans: Da Bulls!

Bob Swerski: As you know, basketball is a pleasant diversion, but let us get back to a more serious topic-

Pat Arnold: Da Bears!

Superfans: Da Bears!

Bob Swerski: Now when we were last privileged to observe Da Bears, they were playing the Giants in the Postseason. The final score of that game was thirty-one to three, and I shant say who won. Pat, what happened?

Pat Arnold: I think its pretty obvious Coach Ditka had his mind on more important things.

Carl Wollarski: There was a war on, my friend.

Todd O’Conner: Thats right, our boyssss were overseassss.

Pat Arnold: Yeah. Ditka was probably too busy helping Schwarzkopf.

Todd O’Conner: Yeah, like that Hail Mary. Tell me that didn’t have Ditka’s name ALL OVER IT!

Bob Swerski: Mmm..Hmm. Absolutley. Absolutley. (A waitress comes holding a tray of nachos and beers)

Waitress: Did you guys order the uhhh..nachos or the beers?

Superfans: Da beers!

Pat Arnold: You know gentlemen, I may not even watch the basketball game today.

Bob Swerski: Yeah?

Pat Arnold: I may turn my attention to the Indianapolis 500.

Bob Swerski: Well, at least the outcome of that is in question. Who do you gentlemen like in a race? Now the favorites are Rick Mears, A.J. Foyt, and Gary Bettenhousen.

Pat Arnold: I like Mears.

Carl Wollarski: Mears.

Todd O’Conner: MEARS!

Superfans: Rick Mears!

Bob Swerski: Now what if Da Bears were to enter the Indianapolis 500? Uhhh, what would you predict would be the outcome, huh?

Todd O’Conner: How would they compete?

Bob Swerski: Well, let’s say they rode together in a big bus.

Carl Wollarski: Is Ditka driving?

Bob Swerski: Of course.

Carl Wollarski: Then I like Da Bears!

Bob Swerski: Sure.

Todd O’Conner: Yeah, I gotta go with Da Bear Bus!

Superfans: Da Bear Bus!

Carl Wollarski: Bus full of Bears!

Pat Arnold: See, I don’t know, you know, I may still have to go with Mears, you know? But you guys figure it out.

Bob Swerski: That’s all right Pat. There are no easy questions in this life my friend. Except for one, that of couse being the triumphant party at next year’s Super Bowl.

Pat Arnold: I know of whom you speak.

Bob Swerski: Let’s just say that the winner shall be a certain team, from a certain Mid-western town, that starts with a “C”, ends with an “O”, and in the middle is “HICAG”. (The Superfans raise their beer mugs in agreement)

Todd O’Conner: (Reading a newspaper) Ya know, believe it or not Bob, according to the odds-makers, San Fransisco is favored to win the Super Bowl.

Bob Swerski: San Fransisco huh? Well, you know whO’s gonna be happy about that then. Da queers!

Superfans: Da queers!

Bob Swerski: Well, we’ll see ya’ next week. Now what if Da Bears had entered The Preakness?

Superfans: Da Bears!

Thanks to Justin Chilinski for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts