A Message From Iraq

A Message From Iraq

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
Moderator…..Phil Hartman
Tadir Havadabadi…..Tom Davis
Jan Hooks…..Malid Haziz Amani
Amad Havim Adabadi…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on still image of Saddam Hussein, over Iraqi chant music ]

Announcer: You are watching Iraqi State Television. The following is an unedited address by the President of the United States, George Bush.

[ dissolve to President Bush in the Oval Office ]

President George Bush: Good evening. Now, first of all, I’d like to thank the Iraqi government, for giving me this second opportunity to talk to the Iraqi people. You know, when I last spoke to you a few weeks back, apparently I failed to convey just how seriously the United States views the illegal seizure of Kuwait down there. My mistake, I believe, was in using the vague, euphemistic code words of international diplomacy. So, tonight I’m gonna speak to you in the kind of language that every Arab, every Iraqi, can understand.

You see, your leader – the godless liar, Saddam Hussein – is nothing more than a hyena in the skin of a lion. He thinks to frighten us, like sheep, with his loud braying – nah gah do it! America’s no sheep waiting to be seized by a hyena! Rather, it’s a great scorpion! Which deals a deadly sting to those who would crush it! Stinging! Stinging! Stinging!

You know, I’ve been in cose consultation with Speaker Foley, Senator Dole and Mitchell over there, in that place where they are down there! And, like me, they agree: the American people are not afraid of war. They don’t fear death. But, rather, welcome death as a glorious martyrdom The reward of those who die in battle for the one true God, Jesus Christ! And your leader, the hyena, Saddma Hussein, thinks he can climb into the pit with the American cobra, and charm it with the music of his lies. But remember, Mr. Hussein: the venom of the American cobra spits far and true! Not spittin’ yet – wouldn’t be prudent! But, rest assured, that cobra will strike! [ hisses ]

As the prophet has written: [ speaks in Iraqi ] “Your children shall wander aimlessly. There reason shall desert them, and they shall not know where there fathers’ bones are buried.”

You know, this summer I was up in Kennenbunkport, Maine – relaxing, in that relaxation mode – while our armies, our great armies, lay poised on the brink of a great war. My wife, Bar, turned to me, and what she said speaks for Americans everywhere. “Jackals”, said Bar. “Jackals will slake their thirst on the blood of Iraqi soldiers, and their entrails shall stink in the sun and be food for hogs!”

So, to sum up: Hussein, lion’s clothing – really a hyena; America, both a scorpion and a cobra [ hisses ]; jackals, slaking their thirst, entrails stinking, food for hogs. Good night!

[ dissolve to moderated Ieaqi forum ]

Moderator: You have been listening to an address by the President of the United States. Here, with an analysis, are: Tadir Havadabadi.. Malid Haziz.. and Amad Havim Adabadi. Tadir, how do you think Bush did?

Tadir Havadabadi: I was impressed. This was a new George Bush. A mad man I think we can deal with.

Moderator: Malid?

Malid Haziz: Well, after his first speech, Bush desperately needed a hit. Tonight, I think he got a home run. I do. I do.

Moderator: Amad?

Amad Havim Adabadi: I was especially struck by the part about our children not knowing where are bones are buried. I’ve got several grandchildren, I want them to know where my bones are buried!

Moderator: This has been Iraqi State TV’s special coverage of an address by the President of the United States. Later tonight, “Kojak”. This week, Kojak is cortnered by members of the mob. But, first: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

Kyle MacLachlan’s Monologue

Kyle MacLachlan’s Monologue

…..Kyle MacLachlan

Kyle MacLachlan: Thank you very much. Nice to be here, and its an honor to be hosting the opening show of “Saturday Night Live”. Well, one of the reasons any actor wants to host this show is in order to show another side of his talent and personality. And in my case since most of you probably know me from the eccentric character I played on “Blue Velvet” and uh.. of course, Agent Cooper from “Twin Peaks”. I.. uh.. was especially anxious for you to see what I’m like as a person. So this may seem a little unusual – I don’t know if they’ve done this before – but I thought I’d open up the floor to any questions you might have about me. So? [ Woman in Audience raises her hand ] Yeah?

Woman in Audience: Yeah, um.. where you from?

Kyle MacLachlan: Yakuma, Washington. [ First Man in Audience raises his hand ] Yeah?

First Man in Audience: Is your name pronounced Mac – clock – land?

Kyle MacLachlan: Its Mac – loc – land, close. Its Scottish. [ Second Male in Audience raises his hand ] Yeah.

Second Man in Audience: Uh, yeah.. this isn’t so much a question about you – but I’m a big “Twin Peaks” fan, and I was kind of wondering: are we going to find out this year who killed Laura Palmer?

Kyle MacLachlan: Yeah, its.. uh.. it’s Shelly the waitress, and uh.. they’re going to reveal that in the last episode, so.. [ looks around casually ] Any more questions, or..? Okay. Look, we’ve got a great show tonight. Sinead O’Conner is here.

Director’s Voice: Oh, Kyle. [ Kyle looks around ] Kyle?

Kyle MacLachlan: Yeah?

Director’s Voice: Kyle, could you come to the control room for amoment? There’s a phone call for you.

Kyle MacLachlan: Yeah.. okay. Um.. excuse me.

[ Kyle walks off stage to the left, past television cameras and the camera crew, then walks up a hallway into the control room ]

Operator: [ holding telephone for Kyle ] It’s David Lynch.

Kyle MacLachlan: Oh, alright. [ takes phone ] David! Hey, are you watching?

Voice of David Lynch: Well, there’s nothing else good on.

Kyle MacLachlan: Well, what do you think?

Voice of David Lynch: [ barks unintelligible slur of words ]

Kyle MacLachlan: Well, he asked me. What am I supposed to do, lie?

Voice of David Lynch: How long have you been in this business?!

Kyle MacLachlan: Look, I’ve been in the business for six years, David. You know that.

Voice of David Lynch: [ more unintelligible barking of slur words ] [ screen dissolves temporarily to a black and white photo of David Lynch, titled “Voice of David Lynch.” ]

Voice of David Lynch: ..back to Yakuma, Washington!!

Kyle MacLachlan: Well, what good would it be to tell.. it’s Shelly, David. I mean the episode’s been shot. It’s Shelly, okay. I mean, they’re going to find out eventually.

Voice of David Lynch: I KNOW THAT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!DON’T TELL ANYMORE! [ barks unintelligible orders ]

Kyle MacLachlan: Yes. Okay. Yes, sir.. Yes, yes sir. Okay, Iunderstand. Okay, I’ll try..

Voice of David Lynch: DO IT! GET OUT OF HERE!

Kyle MacLachlan: [ hangs up phone quietly ] Thanks. [ returns to center stage, nervously wrings his hands and faces the audience ] Uh.. uh.. excuse me, I.. uh.. I want to say one thing. Earlier, when I made the joke about Shelly the waitress killing Laura Palmer, I.. I just wanted to make sure that you all knew that it was a joke. And, uh.. I mean, obviously I wouldn’t come out here and.. and tell you that, uh.. uh.. that it was real and, uh.. and ruin my chances of being in the second season. I mean, only a real idiot who never wanted to work in Hollywood, who deserves a real big spanking, would.. uh.. would do such a stupid thing like that. So, anyway, we’ve got a great show, so stick around. We’ll be right back.

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts