Index of /91

Index of /91[ICO]NameLast modifiedSizeDescription


[DIR]Parent Directory  – [DIR]pics/12-Jun-2007 21:43 – [   ]91c.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 82 [   ]local_40444.xml16-Oct-2006 07:45 198 [TXT]style.css27-Nov-2001 00:00 529 [IMG]line.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 726 [IMG]space2.gif12-Nov-2001 00:00 808 [IMG]space.gif12-Nov-2001 00:00 827 [   ]91hdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.1K[   ]91ideep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.1K[   ]91mdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91cdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91gdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91edeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91pdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91cdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91ldeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91gdeep3.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91edeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91cdeep3.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91pdeep3.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91fdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91jgoodnights.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 1.2K[   ]91odeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91gdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.3K[   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6.6K[   ]91asmalley.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.7K[   ]91dmclaughlin.phtml06-Jul-2007 07:18 6.7K[   ]91ftoonces.phtml26-Jul-2007 11:30 6.8K[   ]91itonight.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.0K[   ]91dyoung.phtml06-Jul-2007 07:18 7.0K[   ]91bwrong.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.3K[   ]91lpartridge.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.3K[   ]91tpregnant.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.6K[   ]91eupdate.phtml31-May-2007 19:44 7.8K[   ]91ncoffeetalk.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.8K[   ]91iupdate.phtml25-Oct-2007 07:29 7.8K[   ]91hreceptionist.phtml31-Oct-2007 06:05 7.9K[   ]91jlate.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.9K[   ]91ccantore.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.9K[   ]91cthomas.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.9K[   ]91dhans.phtml25-Oct-2007 05:44 7.9K[   ]91rhandsomeman.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.0K[   ]91ppregnant.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.0K[   ]91dwings.phtml06-Jul-2007 07:18 8.1K[   ]91kquizmasters.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.3K[   ]91gsuperfans.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.5K[   ]91gupdate.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.5K[   ]91rlennywise.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.7K[   ]91qsexgames.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.7K[   ]91hupdate.phtml31-Oct-2007 05:41 8.8K[   ]91escottish.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.0K[   ]91dupdate.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.1K[   ]91nupdate.phtml28-Oct-2007 08:45 9.3K[   ]91sbelvedere.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.3K[   ]91eass.phtml31-May-2007 20:01 9.4K[   ]1991.phtml12-Dec-2007 13:15 9.5K[   ]91rmakeyouthink.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.5K[   ]91edebate.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.7K[   ]91tgannon.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.8K[   ]91dfamilyfeud.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K[   ]91tupdate.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K[   ]91rstandup.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K[   ]91r.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K[   ]91s.phtml05-Jul-2007 13:43 12K[   ]91lupdate.phtml05-Jul-2007 08:34 12K[   ]91ttonight.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K[   ]91tbeach.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K[   ]91t.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K[   ]91ssabra.phtml02-Dec-2007 06:57 14K[   ]91q.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 15K[IMG]1991intro50q.jpg28-Mar-2006 07:00 17K[IMG]1991intro41.jpg06-Feb-2007 10:07 18K[IMG]1991intro45q.jpg28-Mar-2006 07:00 18K


Index of /91

Index of /91[ICO]NameLast modifiedSizeDescription


[DIR]Parent Directory  – [   ]91a.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 3.3K[   ]91aschmitts.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.5K[   ]91asmalley.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.7K[   ]91asuperfans.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.3K[   ]91aupdate.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.0K[   ]91b.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 2.9K[   ]91bearthies.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.6K[   ]91bmono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.6K[   ]91bnovelty.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.6K[   ]91bwrong.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.3K[   ]91c.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 82 [   ]91ccantore.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.9K[   ]91ccoffeetalk.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.4K[   ]91cdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91cdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91cdeep3.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91cmono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.8K[   ]91cthomas.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.9K[   ]91d.phtml25-Oct-2007 05:44 3.4K[   ]91dcoldcock.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.0K[   ]91dfamilyfeud.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K[   ]91dhans.phtml25-Oct-2007 05:44 7.9K[   ]91dmclaughlin.phtml06-Jul-2007 07:18 6.7K[   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4.7K[   ]91tdeep1.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.5K[   ]91tgannon.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.8K[   ]91tgoodnights.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.5K[   ]91tmono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.8K[   ]91tpregnant.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.6K[   ]91tsprockets.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.7K[   ]91ttonight.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K[   ]91tupdate.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K[   ]1991.phtml12-Dec-2007 13:15 9.5K[IMG]1991intro1.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 1.9K[IMG]1991intro2.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 2.4K[IMG]1991intro3.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 5.5K[IMG]1991intro4.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 6.2K[IMG]1991intro5.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 2.8K[IMG]1991intro6.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 6.6K[IMG]1991intro7.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 6.2K[IMG]1991intro41.jpg06-Feb-2007 10:07 18K[IMG]1991intro45q.jpg28-Mar-2006 07:00 18K[IMG]1991intro50q.jpg28-Mar-2006 07:00 17K[IMG]bg.jpg22-Apr-2002 00:00 1.7K[IMG]line.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 726 [   ]local_40444.xml16-Oct-2006 07:45 198 [DIR]pics/12-Jun-2007 21:43 – [IMG]space.gif12-Nov-2001 00:00 827 [IMG]space2.gif12-Nov-2001 00:00 808 [TXT]style.css27-Nov-2001 00:00 529


Index of /91/pics

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[DIR]Parent Directory  – [IMG]91ahost.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 4.6K[IMG]91amusic.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 6.3K[IMG]91aschmitts1.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 6.1K[IMG]91asmalley.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 5.5K[IMG]91aupdate1.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 5.1K[IMG]91aupdate2.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 4.5K[IMG]91aupdate3.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 5.4K[IMG]91bearthies.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 8.7K[IMG]91bhost.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 5.1K[IMG]91bmono.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 6.5K[IMG]91bmusic.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 6.6K[IMG]91bnovelty1.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 7.1K[IMG]91bnovelty2.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 5.6K[IMG]91bwrong.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 8.0K[IMG]91ccantore1.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 6.2K[IMG]91ccantore2.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 6.8K[IMG]91ccantore3.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 6.3K[IMG]91ccantore4.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 7.1K[IMG]91chost.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 4.9K[IMG]91cmono.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 7.2K[IMG]91cmusic.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 6.0K[IMG]91cthomas1.jpg11-Jun-2007 19:24 16K[IMG]91cthomas2.jpg23-Apr-2002 00:00 6.4K[IMG]91cthomas3.jpg11-Jun-2007 19:25 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SNL Transcripts: Woody Harrelson: 05/16/92: The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20













91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson…..Dana Carvey
Ed MacMahon…..Phil Hartman
Jay Leno…..Kevin Nealon
Arsenio Hall…..Chris Rock
Dennis Miller…..Dana Carvey
David Brenner…..Adam Sandler
Joan Embrey…..Julia Sweeney

[ open on The Tonight Show set, final show with Johnny and Ed decked out in tuxedos ]

Johnny Carson: Yes! [ audience applauds wildly ] Anyway.. anyway.. let’s, uh.. that’s very nice. That band is terrific! Anyway, we are back! and, um.. Ed, you know, I just realized th-th-that’s the last time I’ll be saying “We are back! It feels, uh.. it feels a little weird!

Ed MacMahon: [ as expected ] YES!!

Johnny Carson: Now, uh.. for those of you who are just joining us, this is our final show, and Ed is drunk!

Ed MacMahon: Ha ha..! Yooooou arrre correct, SIR!! YEEEESSS!! Ha ha..!

Johnny Carson: He was holed up in his office for an hour before the show, and this is, uh.. sort of what happened. I guess everyone has their own way, a sort of.. dealing with changes.

Ed MacMahon: Ha ha..! Feeling NO pain, sir! Ha ha..! Totally BLITZED, O Great One! YES!! Ha ha..!

Johnny Carson: Anyway.. this has been a fun week. Clint Eastwod visited us, Qieen Elizabeth, Dom DeLuise was here. But tonight: it’s just me and Ed, uh.. we’re sort of sitting back, taking stock of the past 30 years.

Ed MacMahon: [ feeling groggier with each passing second ] That we are.. O Out-of-Focus One! Ha ha ha-ha..!

Johnny Carson: I’m right here, Ed. For those of you who don’t know – when alcohol enters your bloodstream, it can sort of, uh.. tend to blur your vision.. and that was.. what Ed was referring to.

Ed MacMahon: Ha ha..! [ a quick beat ] YES!! Ha ha.. ha..

Johnny Carson: Anyway, alright.. well, we’re winding down and, Ed, you know, we’ve had a lot of fun tonight, and, uh-

Ed MacMahon: [ suddenly ] NO!!

Johnny Carson: [ confused ] No?

Ed MacMahon: ..I just wanted to see what it would be like to disagree with you once..

Johnny Carson: I see.. Are you finished?

Ed MacMahon: [ not missing a beat ] YES!! Ha ha ha..!

Johnny Carson: Alright, well.. all week long, we’ve been, uh.. carrying some taped greetings from some friends of the show.. and tonight we’ve got some from the other, uh.. late night personalities. So just.. you in the studio, watch your monitors.

[ dissolve to the taped greetings, the first one featuring Jay Leno ]

Jay Leno: He-hey, Johnny.. hey listen, we’re all gonna miss you.. I mean.. it’s terrible.. [ shifts to deep-voice mode ] I mean, it’s great for me! But, you know.. [ ] I mean, it’s a terrible thing that you’re not gonna be on.. I mean, i-it’s great that.. I-I’m the one who, you know.. [ shifts to back to deep-voice mode ] If someone had to be the one! [ ] But, still, it’s just really-

[ dissolve to Arsenio Hall speaking in a whisper ]

Arsenio Hall: You.. you’re the one man. You’re the man! There will never.. be.. a-nother. You. Are. The man! You.

[ dissolve to Dennis Miller twiching ]

Dennis Miller: Johnny, babe! I can’t even put this into words, huh? I mrean.. this is your gig, man! Compared to you, we’re all like that second Darren or that.. that blonde that took Barbarino’s place on “Kotter”! I mean, what was that all about, huh?! You’re the king, babe! I mean, I’m not trying to be obsquetious here, but you’re a class man! I don’t even make a visceral play! I’m hovering around the whole “Newton’s Apple”/”This Old House” slot – I’m not even Vila, for crying out loud! I’m the new guy with the whole Bob Balaban/Austin Pendleton! I’m not getting anything, Johnny! Buck..

[ dissolve back to Johnny and Ed ]

Johnny Carson: Well, that.. that was weird, wild stuff! I guess they’re big fans of mine. I did not know that! Anyway.. we are here, and these are our final two minutes here together, Ed, and um.. I’ve gotta say, it feels a little.. bittersweet.

Ed MacMahon: [ solemn ] Yes, sir.. [ sniffs a teardrop ]

Johnny Carson: I mean, we’ve, uh.. we’ve been together since, what, the 50’s? And, uh.. you know, I’m getting a little choked up just talking about it.

Ed MacMahon: Emotions running high.. yes..

Johnny Carson: It is wild stuff. I-I wanted to take these last two minutes, Ed, to say some things I never really had the chance to, uh-

[ Doc Severinson Orchestra suddenly plays David Brenner onto the stage ]

Johnny Carson: I, uhhh.. David Brenner is here. David Brenner, everybody..

[ audience applauds Brenner’s entrance, as he sits next to Ed on the couch ]

David Brenner: [ mumbling ] Oh, my God.. this is some night, huh!

Johnny Carson: Yeah. David Brenner. Yes. Well, uh.. i-i-it’s nice to see you, but I just have two minutes to go, and I, uh-

David Brenner: Oh, no, no.. I know! Look, I just had to ocme one more time! I mean, this is my 236th appearance! It’s pretty amazing, huh!

Johnny Carson: Well, look, uh.. David.. I-I just had a few things I want to say to Ed before I go.

David Brenner: Yeah, sure! Just look, I’m just here! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: Alright. Uh.. Ed, I want to say that, uh.. you know that time we moved the show from New York to L.A.?

Ed MacMahon: Yes.

David Brenner: [ remembering ] Oh, yeah yeah! I remember that! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: Anyway.. there were rumors I was gonna replace you?

Ed MacMahon: Yes.

David Brenner: [ remembering ] Oh, yes! Yes! That’s right! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: Well, I-I just wanted to say, Ed.. that it was, um.. not-

Joan Embrey: Hi, Johnny!

[ Doc Severinson Orchestra suddenly plays Joan Embrey onto the stage, with a cockatoo on her shoulder ]

Johnny Carson: Joan Embrey.

[ audience applauds Joan’s entrance, as she stands next to Johnny at the desk ]

Joan Embrey: I just had to come on one more time! You remember Irving the Cockatoo?

Johnny Carson: Yep.. yep..

Joan Embrey: He was your favorite!

Johnny Carson: Yeah, well.. look, um.. alright, just-just have a seat.. I-I’m talking to Ed right now, Joan, as a matter of fact.. [ Joan’s stagehands bring in a tiger cub, which she displays to everyone on the set ] Oh, I see you’ve brought a.. a whole kit and kaboodle here..

Joan Embrey: Oh yeah, I have a tiger cub here.. how about this?

David Brenner: Adorable!

[ Joan takes her seat on the couch next to Ed and Brenner ]

Joan Embrey: Hi, Ed! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: That’s right. Well, it’s been 30 years, and I just have one minute to go. Ed, I want you to know, I-I never reconsidered, um..

[ tiger cub growls ]

Johnny Carson: ..replacing you, and I, um..

[ tiger cub growls ]

Johnny Carson: I mean, you and I are like steaks and A-1 Sauce!

[ tiger cub growls ]

Johnny Carson: We’re like, uh.. Dolly Parton and- Joan, could you.. is there any way you could kinda..?

Joan Embrey: Um.. that’s Irving. I’m just afraid he’s upsetting the tiger cub.. oh boy, here we go.. oh, God..

[ suddenly, the tiger cub jumps into Brenner’s lap and begins to take a ferocious piss ]

Johnny Carson: Oh, boy.. That is.. that is just.. that’s, uh.. Anyway, Ed.. uh, can we just-

[ the tiger cub chews furiously on David Brenner ]

David Brenner: Aaagghhhh!!! Get him off me!! Get him off me!!

Ed MacMahon: Say “Uncle”, tiger!

[ Ed pounces on the tiger cub, propelling the two of them over Johnny’s desk ]

Johnny Carson: [ stunned ] I did not think our last show would end this way..

Ed MacMahon: [ screaming as he pounds on the tiger cub ] Not the way we intended-

Johnny Carson: Well, if.. if you’re just tuned in, Ed is, uh.. Ed? I guess it’s a good thing you’re drunk!

Ed MacMahon: [ pokes his head up from behind the desk ] Too drunk to be scaaared Yes, sir!

Johnny Carson: Well! Before we go, I’ve got one more thing to say..! And I hope I’m not saying it for the last time – and that is, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiiiiiiggghhtt!!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Woody Harrelson: 05/16/92: Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

]]>

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20







91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
Todd O’Conner…..Chris Farley
Pat Arnold…..Mike Myers
Carl Wollarski…..Rob Smigel
Operaman…..Adam Sandler

Kevin Nealon: Good evening! I’m Kevin Nealon, and I’m a son of an Irish bishop.

Well, President Bush Thursday unveiled Bush League, his new line of clothing for dorky white guys.

The future ex-president later wowed the assembled crowd by reeling in an 8 1/2-pound northern spotted owl.

Ross Perot filed a financial disclosure statement on Friday, putting his personal fortune at $3.3 billion – or $800 million more than previously estimated. As a result, yesterday Perot was awarded an honorary doctorate of money degree at Oklahoma State University.

Jerry Brown went whitewater rafting with two members of rival L.A. gangs. And next week, the gang members promise to let Brown come along on a drive-by shooting.

And the results of last week’s Phillipine presidential election, which included candidate Imelda Marcos, may be contested. Some observers complained that the use of old shoe boxes as ballot boxes.. may not be very good.

Scientists in Rotterdam are reportedly working around the clock.

The “Where’s Waldo?” books have become so popular that the publishers are adding new additions. Last week, they came out with “Where’s Georgie?” and next week, they’re coming out with a double edition: “Where’s Ronnie & Gorby?”

Many people are confused by the civil ethics of a war in Yugoslavia, putting the Serbs against the Croats.. and also involving the people of Bosnia, Herze-go-vona.. -gor-vona.. or -govina .. Well, it doesn’t matter. Basically, there’s no oil, so don’t worry about it!

Well, the ballots have been tabulated, the results are in – the winner of Yugoslavia’s 1992 Funny Face Competition goes to: Yugoslav Federal Army General Blagoje Adhiz.

Well, the NBA Play-Offs are heating up. Tomorrow, the Bulls and the Knicks will play Game 7 of their Conference Semi-Final. Here with a persoective are Chicago radio personalities The Superfans.

[ Superfans appear on the monitor behind Kevin ]

Todd O’Conner: Thanks, Kevin! Well, the two teams are tied, 3-3, and it’s, uh.. it’s been an exciting series, and I’m sure a lot of New York fans will be, uh.. ready to, uh.. go to Chicago for the big game tomorrow.

Carl Wollarski: That’s right! They’re gonna be flying there, and that’s why, right now, we’d like to offer those New York fans a few tips on how to handle the long painful flight back home.

Pat Arnold: That’s right! ‘Cause two hours can seem like an eternity when your hopes have been dashed by.. Da Bulls!

Superfans: Da Bulls!!

Pat Arnold: Now, try to get your mind off the humiliation with an in-flight movie. Or, better yet, have an alcoholic beverage of your choice.

Todd O’Conner: But remember, New Yorkers, smoking crack is not legal on planes. Keep those pipes in your pockets ’til you land.

Kevin Nealon: Well, that’s great, guys.. but I think a lot of people believe the Knicks are gonna win.

Pat Arnold: Yeah, well, it’s very sad.. very cruel the Bulls have toyed with Knicks fans.

Carl Wollarski: Very sad. Please, Kevin, there’s no comparison. I mean, take the coaches. [ holds up picture of Pat Riley ] Now, here’s the Knicks coach – Pat Riley. Armani suit, has his hair slicked back – looks nice, right? Huh?

Todd O’Conner: Yeahhh. I wonder where he got that from? [ holds up similar picture of Mike Ditka ]

Carl Wollarski: My goodness!

Todd O’Conner: Whoa, what have we here? How could he-

Carl Wollarski: Where have we seen that sharp hairstyle before?

Kevin Nealon: Okay, we get the idea, guys..

Superfans: Alright, alright, alright..

Todd O’Conner: Alright, alright, Kevin.. What about the names of the teams? We know what a Bull is – what the hell’s a Knick?

Pat Arnold: How about: it’s what a New York man gets when he shaves his leg before going into a Greenwich Village bar!

[ the Superfan enjoy their joke ]

Kevin Nealon: Alright. So, your pick?

Todd o’Conner: Bulls, 240 to 87.

Carl Wollarski: That’s right.

Kevin Nealon: Alright, I see. The Superfans, everyone!

Well, a study has revealed that secondhand smoke is unhealthy, but usually cheaper.

In addition: 2 + 2 = 4.

Well, Murphy Brown will finally be giving birth on the show’s season finale this Monday night. CBS assures squeamish viewers the show will be much more pleasant to watch than last year’s birthing episode of “Jake & The Fatman”.

And “Lethal Weapon 3” opened around the country yesterday, and plans are already under way for the next dequel, “Lethal Weapon 4”, which will star Detroit suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian.

Besides “Lethal Weapon 3” this summer, several other sequels ill hit the theaters: “Alien 3”, “Batman Returns”, “JFK Part 2”, “The Really, Really Last Temptation of Christ”, and “Honey, I Slept With The Kids”.

Variety posters of the “Batman” sequels can be seen at just about every bus stop in town. The marketing ply by Warner will probably reduce ticket sales, since, if you drive by all the bus stops fast enough, it’s just like seeing the movie.

Update statistic: 4 out of 5 dentists.. leaves 1 dentist.

In a related story, McDonald’s is warning customers that a toy car found in Happy Meals could cause choking. Also, officials have warned that Big Macs are the main cuase of death in cows. They think it has something to do with the patty meat.. or the meat patty.. whichever one you get.

And now, with a look back at some of the events of the week, is Operaman. Operaman?

Operaman: Ohh.. hey gracias, Kevin gracia!

[ singing ] [ picture of Ross Perot ]“Billionairo Ross Perot
Mi confuso
Es Frank Perdue? Oh?”

[ picture of President George Bush with eyes closed ]“Ssh ssh, el Doze-oh
Sshhhhh, el-Doze-oh.
[ jump to picture of Los Angeles burning ]“El inferno!Violencia!
Armageddon!”

[ jump back to picture of President George Bush with eyes closed ]“Sshhhhh, el Doze-oh!
No disturba Presidente”

[ picture of Daryl Gates ]“La chiefa policia
No dispatcha gendarme
Morono, no respondo
No excuse bagga doucha!”

[ picture of Messier ]“Messier!
El choke-oh!
Il Cupo de Stanley
Arrividerci!”

[ picture of Johnny Carson ]“Carnac finale
Termino bella notte
Carnac adio!
El beginno
El Chin-oh
Jay Leno
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!”

[ picture of SNL logo ]“Saturdia Noche Vive
Endo seasone
Operaman
Bye-Byyyyyyyyyyyyeeee!”

Kevin Nealon: Operaman, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you, Operaman.

The acting head of the National Endowment of the Arts has declared there’s a difference between “nude” and “naked”. Also revealed were differences between “disrobed”, “unclad” and “bare-assed”.

Weekend Update has also learned there’s a difference between “endowment” and “endowed”.

The inventor of the margarita has died. We here at Weekend Update feel that not enough time has passed for us to make jokes about this sad story. However, enough time has passed since the Earl Sandwich, the inventor of the sandwich died.. so we’d like to say he was buried in a coffin with a toothpick through it.

Irish bishop Eamonn Casey admitted last week that he has an illegitimate son living in the U.S. NBC is planning a situation comedy about Casey, modeled after “Major Dad”, and entitled “Father Dad”.

Kevin Nealon: If you would like a written transcript of this news broadcast, learn to write really fast. I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 05/09/92: Sabra Price Is Right



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 19














91s: Tom Hanks / Bruce Springsteen

Sabra Price Is Right

Uri Shurinson (Host)…..Tom Hanks
Harvey (Announcer)…..Rob Smigel
Contestant #1…..Siobhan Fallon
Contestant #2…..Chris Farley
Contestant #3…..Kevin Nealon
Stagehand #1…..Adam Sandler
Stagehand #2…..Rob Schneider
Contestant #4 (Jennifer Hughes)…..Julia Sweeney
Contestant #5 (Kevin Stubbs)…..Chris Rock
Contestant #6 (Eric Stegman)…..Mike Myers
Contestant #7 (Kalid Abdul Adiz)…..Dana Carvey

[Shot: Sabra Price Is Right game show set]

Harvey: Live from 47th Street between Broadway and 6th Avenue-you can’t miss it!-it’s SABRA PRICE IS RIGHT! Alright so let’s go with the game then. Here is the host, URI SHURINSON!

[Uri enters set]

Uri: Alright-alright-alright! Good-good-good! Yes-yes, welcome-welcome to Sabra Price Is Right! I am Uri! Okay so we show you beautiful merchandise; and you people, you guess price. So okay let’s look at first merchandise!

[Shot: cheap-looking clock-radio]

Harvey: Alright is Summit clock-radio! Clock-radio from Summit! Is good!

Uri: Okay-okay now who can tell me the correct price for the clock-radio? [To Contestant #1] You!

Contestant #1: I’ll guess $25.

Uri: What-what-what-what!? What you mean!? What you mean $25!?

Contestant #1: I don’t know-

Uri: Is a Summit clock-radio! Is great merchandise!

Contestant #1: Okay-$35?

Uri: Oh, $35! I don’t believe this! Alright-alright someone else! [Moves on to Contestant #2] You-you-you!

Contestant #2: I don’t know.$40?

Uri: $40 for a clock-radio!!??

Contestant #2: Uh, it doesn’t seem like-er-what’s it worth, really?

Uri: What is it worth!? Over $200! I sell it for less, you see!

Contestant #2: Okay, $75.

Uri: Oh! This is an insult, an insult! [moves on to Contestant #3] Okay, you! You!

Contestant #3: So it’s worth more than $75?

Uri: Yes-yes! At least $150!

Contestant #3: How about $80?

Uri: Alright-alright-alright $80. Is good, is good. [Takes Contestant #3 by the arm and drags him onstage.] Okay congratulations. [They are joined by two Stagehands, who bring on the clock-radio.] Nice clock-radio; and you give a check to my wife backstage.

Contestant #3: No, no, no-what check? I don’t want to buy it!

Uri: What do you mean? You asked for a deal!

Contestant #3: No, no, no. This is a game show-!

[Uri and the Stagehands chatter in Hebrew, while Contestant #3 is escorted backstage.]

Uri: Okay Harvey we need a new contestant!

Harvey: Okay so Jennifer Hughes, come on let’s go!

[Jennifer Hughes, AKA Contestant #4, emerges from the audience and takes what was Contestant #3’s mark.]

Uri: Alright; come-on-come-on-come-on; go-go-go-go-go-go; alright-alright; so-so, welcome-welcome!

Contestant #4: Hi, I’m a teacher from Northport-!

Uri: [cutting her off] No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no; please, this we do not care about. Just look at the item and guess price, alright?

Harvey: Is satellite dish from Pinnacle!

[Shot: worn-out and rusted V-aerial]

Uri: Pinnacle satellite dish, beautiful, for TV! Who is guessing, huh? Who, you? Let’s go, let’s go!

Contestant #1: I don’t think that looks like a satellite dish.

Uri: What-what-what you don’t think?! Huh?!

Contestant #1: Don’t they rotate?

Uri: Oh so now I have to explain how a satellite works?? Now come-on-come-on this is thousands of dollars! I don’t have time! [moves on to Contestant #2] You-you-you!

Contestant #2: Well, thousands?

Uri: Yes-yes of course!

Contestant #2: It’s just.. I never heard of the company Pinnacle.

Uri: So? Pinnacle is good company! Inside is same as Toshiba! TOSHIBA GUTS! Is same thing!

Contestant #2: Will it help me get channels?

Uri: It won’t hurt you getting channels. It won’t hurt-this is Pinnacle! Why should it? Now-now come on, come on! So make a bid, come on!

Contestant #2: Okay, $200.

Uri: No-no this is an insult; I quit this game show.

Contestant #2: $220?

Uri: Alright, price is right; very good, very good. [Taking Contestant #2’s arm, Uri herds him onto the stage, where both Stagehands rejoin them.] Come on, come on; get up here; let’s go, let’s go. Nice satellite dish; and you give a check to my wife backstage.

Contestant #2: But I don’t want to buy it!

Uri: It’s already wrapped!

Stagehand #2: It’s already on the truck!

Contestant #2: Yeah, well, I don’t want to buy it!

Stagehand #1: It’s wrapped and on the truck!

Uri: Look-look-look-look-look, you just go backstage and give a check to my wife okay? Alright Harvey next person!

[Contestant #2 continues to protest as both Stagehands, jabbering in Hebrew, escort him backstage.]

Harvey: Okay so Kevin Stubbs, come down let’s go!

[Kevin Stubbs, AKA Contestant #5, emerges from the audience and takes what was Contestant #2’s mark. Uri gazes at Contestant #5 suspiciously, while summoning Stagehand #1. Stagehand #1 comes over to stand at Uri’s side.]

Uri: [to Stagehand #1, indicating Contestant #5] Watch him. [Stagehand #1 just stands there looking at Contestant #5] Well? Go-go-go now! Go now! [Stagehand #1 moves back from Uri’s side and goes over to stand near Contestant #5.] Okay let’s see next beautiful item!

[Stagehand #1 stands right by Contestant #5, just staring right at him.]

Contestant #5: What are you looking at?

Stagehand #1: Nothing; I’m just standing here that’s all.

Uri: Come on come on, alright item please!

[Shot: rotary phone; the cord for its receiver has been ripped out]

Harvey: Is cordless telephone! No more cord for telephone!

Uri: [to Contestant #4] So you are very, very pretty so let’s go out.

Contestant #4: Oh, uh.I-I’m really here more to-

Uri: What, you don’t want to go out? Come on let’s go! We’ll go Disco!

[Both Stagehands walk up and begin adlibbing “Let’s go disco! We’ll goDisco!”]

Contestant #5: Uh, I got a guess-!

Contestant #1: My buzzer’s not working.

Uri: What-what-what you mean your buzzer? What happened, what happened to your buzzer? What happened, you broke buzzer? Okay, now you pay for.

Contestant #1: Pay for it!?

Uri: Yes-yes! You-Broke-You-Buy, it’s the rule!

Contestant #1: What am I going to do with a buzzer from a game show!!??

Uri: [demonstrating for her] Well why did you push so hard!? You push so hard!! Why did you push so hard!? You don’t have to push so hard!! You just tap; see, you just tap; see, you tap. But you, you push; you break it, you break it! [Pulls her onstage by the arm] Okay come on; you go give a check to my wife backstage. That’s a brand new buzzer!

Contestant #1: I thought this was supposed to be The Price Is Right!!

Uri: Is SABRA Price Is Right! Is same thing!

Contestant #1: What happened to Bob Barker!?

Uri: I am same person!! [Turns her around and sends her backstage]Alright-alright-alright new contestant Harvey!

Harvey: Alright so Eric Stegman! Come down let’s go!

[Contestant #6, AKA Eric Stegman, emerges from the audience and takes what was Contestant #1’s mark; he is carrying a cheap-looking CD player. A look of recognition crosses Uri’s face.]

Uri: Now you look familiar.

Contestant #6: Yeah well, uh, I’m really just here to return something.

Uri: What-what-what you mean? What-what-what return!?

Contestant #6: Well, uh-I “won” this CD player. [shows it to Uri].

Uri: Yes-yes, beautiful, yes!

Contestant #6: Yeah, well it cost $500. Now I checked around, okay, and it retails at $216.

Uri: Oh, we are not retailers.

Contestant #6: Yeah, okay, yeah.and it doesn’t work. Also, you said it had Sony guts.

Uri: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no. What I said was, is like Sony guts. That was what I said.

Contestant #6: No, sorry; no, no, no.

Uri: Well what is your point!? When did you drop it?

Contestant #6: No, no.I didn’t drop it, okay? It’s not even a CD player. It’s a child’s bank!

Uri: Well this is what I told you, that it’s a display model. Yes!

Contestant #6: No, no, no, no, no, no; you didn’t tell me; no, no, no, no, no, no.!

Uri: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no, I did.Look-No, I did-I remember what I told you. I told you it was a child’s bank, not real CD!

Contestant #6: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, sorry!

Uri: I remember distinctly! Look-look-look-look, you are here to play the game. Harvey next item please!

[Shot: cheap-looking toaster-oven]

Harvey: Microwave from GE! Is General Electric! Very good!

Uri: [to Contestant #4] So when are we going to disco? Hm?

Contestant #4: Oh-uh, we-we’re not going.

[Uri is joined by both Stagehands, who stand behind and to the side ofContestant #4.]

Uri: What do you mean? To disco!

Stagehand #1: Disco!

Uri: Good!

Stagehand #1: Good!

Uri: Disco!

Stagehand #2: Disco!

Uri: Good!

Stagehand #2: Good!

Uri: Disco!

Harvey: Disco!

Uri: Good!

Harvey: Good!

Uri: Disco!

Both Stagehands: Disco!

Uri: Good!

Both Stagehands: Good!

[They continue chanting and disco-dancing for several more seconds.]

Uri: Alright, alright; alright, alright-Microwave, very expensive! Who is guessing?

Contestant #5: Hey, uh, what happened to the cordless phone?

Uri: Alright look-look-look just take it okay? Just take it, take it; you win, you win. [He shoves the phone into Contestant #5’s hands.] Yes okay go-go-go-go; out! [He rushes him from the buzzer toward Stagehand #1, who catches the Contestant by the shoulders.] Goodbye-goodbye-goodbye-goodbye!

Contestant #5: [to Stagehand #1] you don’t have to touch me! [He is led off by the Stagehand.]

Uri: Alright Harvey next person!

Harvey: Kalid Abdul Adiz!

[Contestant #7, AKA Kalid Abdul Adiz, emerges from the audience and takes what was Contestant #5’s mark; Uri wonders how an Arab got on his show.]

Contestant #7: Alright!

Uri: What-what is this!? How can you get to play!!??

Contestant #7: I am in audience!

Uri: Alright okay look-Microwave?

Contestant #7: $20?

Uri: What you mean, $20!? This is microwave! You are crazy!! This is General Electric microwave!!

Contestant #7: No it is not! Impossible!

Uri: Oh I don’t believe this! I don’t want to play. [Both he and Contestant #7 throw their hands up in disgust.]

Contestant #7: I don’t want to play!

Uri: I don’t want to play!!

Contestant #7: I don’t want to play!!!

Uri: Alright so let’s disco! [He starts dancing.] Disco-disco! Good-good! Disco-disco good-good! [He is joined by Contestant #7, and by both Stagehands.]

Harvey: This has been Sabra Price Is Right! See you next time!Disco-disco-good-good!

[Uri, the Stagehands and Contestant #7 continue disco-dancing on the set.]

Submitted by: Patrick Jackson

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 05/09/92: Showcase Playhouse Theater



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 19


91s: Tom Hanks / Bruce Springsteen

Showcase Playhouse Theater

Narrator…..Phil Hartman
Toby…..Mike Myers
Janet…..Julia Sweeney

Narrator: Good evening and welcome to Showcase Playhouse Theater. Tonight we’re pleased to present ‘They Wanted To Fly’, a 3 acts play by Cameron Hormel. We’d like to welcome our new sponsor, ‘Nice ass, baby’ panties. When you hear ‘nice ass’, chances are it’s ‘nice ass, baby’. And now Act 1 of ‘They Wanted To Fly’.

[pleasant music, comes to scene with Myers and Sweeney]

Janet: What are you thinking about?

Toby: Oh you wouldn’t understand, you’re just a girl.

Janet: I’m also you best friend.

Toby: I was thinkin, I wish I could fly.

Janet: You do? So do I!

Toby: Really?

Janet: More than anything.

Toby: Maybe if we both push hard enough, we really can fly.

[music, fades away to Narrator]

Narrator: That concludes act 1. Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologize most sincerely as apparently there is no such product as ‘Nice ass, baby’ panties. I have been a victim of a hoax. In act 2 of ‘They wanted to fly’, Toby and Janet have grown into teenagers. Their friendship has blossomed into sexual awareness, but 1 thing has remained the same: their desire to fly. [music, jumps to scene]

Janet: Boy when you stand up here and wave your arms, it almost feels like you’re flying.

Toby: It does doesn’t it? [laughs]

Janet: That was fun.

Toby: Janet, do you think that maybe somehow we really could fly?

Janet: You mean just lift off the ground up into the sky?

Toby: Yea that’s exactly what I mean.

[music, fades away]

Narrator: I would like to apologize to the good people at ‘nice ass, baby’ pantyhose. Their product is very real and I’m sure an excellent value. In the 3rd and final act of ‘They wanted to fly’, many years have passed. Toby and Janet and gone their different ways, but they agree to meet once more at their favorite spot.

[music, fades away]

Toby: [in wheelchair] Hello Janet.

Janet: Hello Toby.

Toby: I guess you hear about this.

Janet: You tried to fly didn’t you?

Toby: They called it attempted suicide.

Janet: Toby, remember when we used to wish we could fly? Maybe we really can.

Toby: Don’t make fun damn it! I’m stuck in this wheelchair.

Janet: Well maybe that doesn’t matter. Maybe nothing matters except that if we want it bad enough, we can fly off together into the sky.

Toby: Wouldn’t that be something?

[music, fades away]

Narrator: [as he is pulling off his fake moustache] Well that concludes Cameron Hormels’ ‘They Wanted To Fly’. Join us next time for Mr. Hormels’ latest play, ‘They wanted to get totally nude’. Goodnight.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts