SNL Transcripts: Woody Harrelson: 05/16/92: The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 17: Episode 20

91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson…..Dana Carvey
Ed MacMahon…..Phil Hartman
Jay Leno…..Kevin Nealon
Arsenio Hall…..Chris Rock
Dennis Miller…..Dana Carvey
David Brenner…..Adam Sandler
Joan Embrey…..Julia Sweeney

[ open on The Tonight Show set, final show with Johnny and Ed decked out in tuxedos ]

Johnny Carson: Yes! [ audience applauds wildly ] Anyway.. anyway.. let’s, uh.. that’s very nice. That band is terrific! Anyway, we are back! and, um.. Ed, you know, I just realized th-th-that’s the last time I’ll be saying “We are back! It feels, uh.. it feels a little weird!

Ed MacMahon: [ as expected ] YES!!

Johnny Carson: Now, uh.. for those of you who are just joining us, this is our final show, and Ed is drunk!

Ed MacMahon: Ha ha..! Yooooou arrre correct, SIR!! YEEEESSS!! Ha ha..!

Johnny Carson: He was holed up in his office for an hour before the show, and this is, uh.. sort of what happened. I guess everyone has their own way, a sort of.. dealing with changes.

Ed MacMahon: Ha ha..! Feeling NO pain, sir! Ha ha..! Totally BLITZED, O Great One! YES!! Ha ha..!

Johnny Carson: Anyway.. this has been a fun week. Clint Eastwod visited us, Qieen Elizabeth, Dom DeLuise was here. But tonight: it’s just me and Ed, uh.. we’re sort of sitting back, taking stock of the past 30 years.

Ed MacMahon: [ feeling groggier with each passing second ] That we are.. O Out-of-Focus One! Ha ha ha-ha..!

Johnny Carson: I’m right here, Ed. For those of you who don’t know – when alcohol enters your bloodstream, it can sort of, uh.. tend to blur your vision.. and that was.. what Ed was referring to.

Ed MacMahon: Ha ha..! [ a quick beat ] YES!! Ha ha.. ha..

Johnny Carson: Anyway, alright.. well, we’re winding down and, Ed, you know, we’ve had a lot of fun tonight, and, uh-

Ed MacMahon: [ suddenly ] NO!!

Johnny Carson: [ confused ] No?

Ed MacMahon: ..I just wanted to see what it would be like to disagree with you once..

Johnny Carson: I see.. Are you finished?

Ed MacMahon: [ not missing a beat ] YES!! Ha ha ha..!

Johnny Carson: Alright, well.. all week long, we’ve been, uh.. carrying some taped greetings from some friends of the show.. and tonight we’ve got some from the other, uh.. late night personalities. So just.. you in the studio, watch your monitors.

[ dissolve to the taped greetings, the first one featuring Jay Leno ]

Jay Leno: He-hey, Johnny.. hey listen, we’re all gonna miss you.. I mean.. it’s terrible.. [ shifts to deep-voice mode ] I mean, it’s great for me! But, you know.. [ ] I mean, it’s a terrible thing that you’re not gonna be on.. I mean, i-it’s great that.. I-I’m the one who, you know.. [ shifts to back to deep-voice mode ] If someone had to be the one! [ ] But, still, it’s just really-

[ dissolve to Arsenio Hall speaking in a whisper ]

Arsenio Hall: You.. you’re the one man. You’re the man! There will never.. be.. a-nother. You. Are. The man! You.

[ dissolve to Dennis Miller twiching ]

Dennis Miller: Johnny, babe! I can’t even put this into words, huh? I mrean.. this is your gig, man! Compared to you, we’re all like that second Darren or that.. that blonde that took Barbarino’s place on “Kotter”! I mean, what was that all about, huh?! You’re the king, babe! I mean, I’m not trying to be obsquetious here, but you’re a class man! I don’t even make a visceral play! I’m hovering around the whole “Newton’s Apple”/”This Old House” slot – I’m not even Vila, for crying out loud! I’m the new guy with the whole Bob Balaban/Austin Pendleton! I’m not getting anything, Johnny! Buck..

[ dissolve back to Johnny and Ed ]

Johnny Carson: Well, that.. that was weird, wild stuff! I guess they’re big fans of mine. I did not know that! Anyway.. we are here, and these are our final two minutes here together, Ed, and um.. I’ve gotta say, it feels a little.. bittersweet.

Ed MacMahon: [ solemn ] Yes, sir.. [ sniffs a teardrop ]

Johnny Carson: I mean, we’ve, uh.. we’ve been together since, what, the 50’s? And, uh.. you know, I’m getting a little choked up just talking about it.

Ed MacMahon: Emotions running high.. yes..

Johnny Carson: It is wild stuff. I-I wanted to take these last two minutes, Ed, to say some things I never really had the chance to, uh-

[ Doc Severinson Orchestra suddenly plays David Brenner onto the stage ]

Johnny Carson: I, uhhh.. David Brenner is here. David Brenner, everybody..

[ audience applauds Brenner’s entrance, as he sits next to Ed on the couch ]

David Brenner: [ mumbling ] Oh, my God.. this is some night, huh!

Johnny Carson: Yeah. David Brenner. Yes. Well, uh.. i-i-it’s nice to see you, but I just have two minutes to go, and I, uh-

David Brenner: Oh, no, no.. I know! Look, I just had to ocme one more time! I mean, this is my 236th appearance! It’s pretty amazing, huh!

Johnny Carson: Well, look, uh.. David.. I-I just had a few things I want to say to Ed before I go.

David Brenner: Yeah, sure! Just look, I’m just here! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: Alright. Uh.. Ed, I want to say that, uh.. you know that time we moved the show from New York to L.A.?

Ed MacMahon: Yes.

David Brenner: [ remembering ] Oh, yeah yeah! I remember that! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: Anyway.. there were rumors I was gonna replace you?

Ed MacMahon: Yes.

David Brenner: [ remembering ] Oh, yes! Yes! That’s right! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: Well, I-I just wanted to say, Ed.. that it was, um.. not-

Joan Embrey: Hi, Johnny!

[ Doc Severinson Orchestra suddenly plays Joan Embrey onto the stage, with a cockatoo on her shoulder ]

Johnny Carson: Joan Embrey.

[ audience applauds Joan’s entrance, as she stands next to Johnny at the desk ]

Joan Embrey: I just had to come on one more time! You remember Irving the Cockatoo?

Johnny Carson: Yep.. yep..

Joan Embrey: He was your favorite!

Johnny Carson: Yeah, well.. look, um.. alright, just-just have a seat.. I-I’m talking to Ed right now, Joan, as a matter of fact.. [ Joan’s stagehands bring in a tiger cub, which she displays to everyone on the set ] Oh, I see you’ve brought a.. a whole kit and kaboodle here..

Joan Embrey: Oh yeah, I have a tiger cub here.. how about this?

David Brenner: Adorable!

[ Joan takes her seat on the couch next to Ed and Brenner ]

Joan Embrey: Hi, Ed! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: That’s right. Well, it’s been 30 years, and I just have one minute to go. Ed, I want you to know, I-I never reconsidered, um..

[ tiger cub growls ]

Johnny Carson: ..replacing you, and I, um..

[ tiger cub growls ]

Johnny Carson: I mean, you and I are like steaks and A-1 Sauce!

[ tiger cub growls ]

Johnny Carson: We’re like, uh.. Dolly Parton and- Joan, could you.. is there any way you could kinda..?

Joan Embrey: Um.. that’s Irving. I’m just afraid he’s upsetting the tiger cub.. oh boy, here we go.. oh, God..

[ suddenly, the tiger cub jumps into Brenner’s lap and begins to take a ferocious piss ]

Johnny Carson: Oh, boy.. That is.. that is just.. that’s, uh.. Anyway, Ed.. uh, can we just-

[ the tiger cub chews furiously on David Brenner ]

David Brenner: Aaagghhhh!!! Get him off me!! Get him off me!!

Ed MacMahon: Say “Uncle”, tiger!

[ Ed pounces on the tiger cub, propelling the two of them over Johnny’s desk ]

Johnny Carson: [ stunned ] I did not think our last show would end this way..

Ed MacMahon: [ screaming as he pounds on the tiger cub ] Not the way we intended-

Johnny Carson: Well, if.. if you’re just tuned in, Ed is, uh.. Ed? I guess it’s a good thing you’re drunk!

Ed MacMahon: [ pokes his head up from behind the desk ] Too drunk to be scaaared Yes, sir!

Johnny Carson: Well! Before we go, I’ve got one more thing to say..! And I hope I’m not saying it for the last time – and that is, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiiiiiiggghhtt!!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Woody Harrelson: 05/16/92: Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 17: Episode 20

91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
Todd O’Conner…..Chris Farley
Pat Arnold…..Mike Myers
Carl Wollarski…..Rob Smigel
Operaman…..Adam Sandler

Kevin Nealon: Good evening! I’m Kevin Nealon, and I’m a son of an Irish bishop.

Well, President Bush Thursday unveiled Bush League, his new line of clothing for dorky white guys.

The future ex-president later wowed the assembled crowd by reeling in an 8 1/2-pound northern spotted owl.

Ross Perot filed a financial disclosure statement on Friday, putting his personal fortune at $3.3 billion – or $800 million more than previously estimated. As a result, yesterday Perot was awarded an honorary doctorate of money degree at Oklahoma State University.

Jerry Brown went whitewater rafting with two members of rival L.A. gangs. And next week, the gang members promise to let Brown come along on a drive-by shooting.

And the results of last week’s Phillipine presidential election, which included candidate Imelda Marcos, may be contested. Some observers complained that the use of old shoe boxes as ballot boxes.. may not be very good.

Scientists in Rotterdam are reportedly working around the clock.

The “Where’s Waldo?” books have become so popular that the publishers are adding new additions. Last week, they came out with “Where’s Georgie?” and next week, they’re coming out with a double edition: “Where’s Ronnie & Gorby?”

Many people are confused by the civil ethics of a war in Yugoslavia, putting the Serbs against the Croats.. and also involving the people of Bosnia, Herze-go-vona.. -gor-vona.. or -govina .. Well, it doesn’t matter. Basically, there’s no oil, so don’t worry about it!

Well, the ballots have been tabulated, the results are in – the winner of Yugoslavia’s 1992 Funny Face Competition goes to: Yugoslav Federal Army General Blagoje Adhiz.

Well, the NBA Play-Offs are heating up. Tomorrow, the Bulls and the Knicks will play Game 7 of their Conference Semi-Final. Here with a persoective are Chicago radio personalities The Superfans.

[ Superfans appear on the monitor behind Kevin ]

Todd O’Conner: Thanks, Kevin! Well, the two teams are tied, 3-3, and it’s, uh.. it’s been an exciting series, and I’m sure a lot of New York fans will be, uh.. ready to, uh.. go to Chicago for the big game tomorrow.

Carl Wollarski: That’s right! They’re gonna be flying there, and that’s why, right now, we’d like to offer those New York fans a few tips on how to handle the long painful flight back home.

Pat Arnold: That’s right! ‘Cause two hours can seem like an eternity when your hopes have been dashed by.. Da Bulls!

Superfans: Da Bulls!!

Pat Arnold: Now, try to get your mind off the humiliation with an in-flight movie. Or, better yet, have an alcoholic beverage of your choice.

Todd O’Conner: But remember, New Yorkers, smoking crack is not legal on planes. Keep those pipes in your pockets ’til you land.

Kevin Nealon: Well, that’s great, guys.. but I think a lot of people believe the Knicks are gonna win.

Pat Arnold: Yeah, well, it’s very sad.. very cruel the Bulls have toyed with Knicks fans.

Carl Wollarski: Very sad. Please, Kevin, there’s no comparison. I mean, take the coaches. [ holds up picture of Pat Riley ] Now, here’s the Knicks coach – Pat Riley. Armani suit, has his hair slicked back – looks nice, right? Huh?

Todd O’Conner: Yeahhh. I wonder where he got that from? [ holds up similar picture of Mike Ditka ]

Carl Wollarski: My goodness!

Todd O’Conner: Whoa, what have we here? How could he-

Carl Wollarski: Where have we seen that sharp hairstyle before?

Kevin Nealon: Okay, we get the idea, guys..

Superfans: Alright, alright, alright..

Todd O’Conner: Alright, alright, Kevin.. What about the names of the teams? We know what a Bull is – what the hell’s a Knick?

Pat Arnold: How about: it’s what a New York man gets when he shaves his leg before going into a Greenwich Village bar!

[ the Superfan enjoy their joke ]

Kevin Nealon: Alright. So, your pick?

Todd o’Conner: Bulls, 240 to 87.

Carl Wollarski: That’s right.

Kevin Nealon: Alright, I see. The Superfans, everyone!

Well, a study has revealed that secondhand smoke is unhealthy, but usually cheaper.

In addition: 2 + 2 = 4.

Well, Murphy Brown will finally be giving birth on the show’s season finale this Monday night. CBS assures squeamish viewers the show will be much more pleasant to watch than last year’s birthing episode of “Jake & The Fatman”.

And “Lethal Weapon 3” opened around the country yesterday, and plans are already under way for the next dequel, “Lethal Weapon 4”, which will star Detroit suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian.

Besides “Lethal Weapon 3” this summer, several other sequels ill hit the theaters: “Alien 3”, “Batman Returns”, “JFK Part 2”, “The Really, Really Last Temptation of Christ”, and “Honey, I Slept With The Kids”.

Variety posters of the “Batman” sequels can be seen at just about every bus stop in town. The marketing ply by Warner will probably reduce ticket sales, since, if you drive by all the bus stops fast enough, it’s just like seeing the movie.

Update statistic: 4 out of 5 dentists.. leaves 1 dentist.

In a related story, McDonald’s is warning customers that a toy car found in Happy Meals could cause choking. Also, officials have warned that Big Macs are the main cuase of death in cows. They think it has something to do with the patty meat.. or the meat patty.. whichever one you get.

And now, with a look back at some of the events of the week, is Operaman. Operaman?

Operaman: Ohh.. hey gracias, Kevin gracia!

[ singing ] [ picture of Ross Perot ]“Billionairo Ross Perot
Mi confuso
Es Frank Perdue? Oh?”

[ picture of President George Bush with eyes closed ]“Ssh ssh, el Doze-oh
Sshhhhh, el-Doze-oh.
[ jump to picture of Los Angeles burning ]“El inferno!Violencia!

[ jump back to picture of President George Bush with eyes closed ]“Sshhhhh, el Doze-oh!
No disturba Presidente”

[ picture of Daryl Gates ]“La chiefa policia
No dispatcha gendarme
Morono, no respondo
No excuse bagga doucha!”

[ picture of Messier ]“Messier!
El choke-oh!
Il Cupo de Stanley

[ picture of Johnny Carson ]“Carnac finale
Termino bella notte
Carnac adio!
El beginno
El Chin-oh
Jay Leno
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!”

[ picture of SNL logo ]“Saturdia Noche Vive
Endo seasone

Kevin Nealon: Operaman, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you, Operaman.

The acting head of the National Endowment of the Arts has declared there’s a difference between “nude” and “naked”. Also revealed were differences between “disrobed”, “unclad” and “bare-assed”.

Weekend Update has also learned there’s a difference between “endowment” and “endowed”.

The inventor of the margarita has died. We here at Weekend Update feel that not enough time has passed for us to make jokes about this sad story. However, enough time has passed since the Earl Sandwich, the inventor of the sandwich died.. so we’d like to say he was buried in a coffin with a toothpick through it.

Irish bishop Eamonn Casey admitted last week that he has an illegitimate son living in the U.S. NBC is planning a situation comedy about Casey, modeled after “Major Dad”, and entitled “Father Dad”.

Kevin Nealon: If you would like a written transcript of this news broadcast, learn to write really fast. I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts