Announcer: Welcome to Coffee Talk with your host Linda Richman.
Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk I’m your host Linda Richman. On this show we talk about coffee, New York, dawters, dawgs you know no big whoop just Coffee Talk. As you know Paul Baldwin is the usual host who developed shpilkes in his geneckteckessoink. He recovered, was doing fine schmack as can be when P.S Long story short the shpilkes came back. Gagen i Schgagen he’s back at square one. Who knew? Anyway he’s in Boca recovering nicely thanks god pooh pooh pooh. Okay now it’s Mother’s Day, and my dawter Robin did not show up. She’s getting married and this year she’s visiting his mother. So now I’m sitting here Elaine Viastahin alone like a dawg. Thanks alot and out with the garbage they take vows and you’re batting zero (sings). I had a dream. I dreamed it for you Robin. Now I’m getting a little verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. The radical reconstruction of the south after the Civil War was neither radical nor a reconstruction. Discuss! There I feel better. Alright let’s go to the phones. Our topic today is Mother’s Day. Our number is 555-4444 give us a call we’ll talk no big whoop. Hello?
Caller #1: Hi Linda. Happy Mother’s Day. It’s me Stacey.
Linda Richman: Stacey. She’s Robin’s best friend since she was three years old who happens to live in a gorgeous rent controlled doorman building at the park. I would die for that apartment.
Caller #1: Listen, I feel bad about Robin not being there but you should just be glad she’s not eloping.
Linda Richman: Oye. Eloping! A shanda na happa. Nebechh!
Caller #1: Exactly.
Linda Richman: You know, Stacey had a beautiful wedding. She had both a rabbi and a priest. She’s half espicopalian, and half Jewish. I call her a pissyjew. She has legs to die for. They’re like buttah. The left one is salted, and the right one is courtesy of Land O Lakes.
Caller #1: Thanks Linda I got to go.
Linda Richman: Love ya ladel lunch. Don’t go changing just to please me. Okay our number is 555-4444. Hello you’re on Coffee Talk.
Caller #2: Hi Linda. I love this Mother’s Day. I just wanted to say I’m a big Woody Allen fan and it must be tough for Sun Yi.
Linda Richman: First her natural mother gives her walking papers and Mia. Doesn’t she look so skinny? She looks oskyeada. Eat, what some rubalook will kill you? I don’t know I’m verklempt again.
Caller #2: Me too.
Linda Richman: Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you yes another topic. Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s new deal was neither new nor a deal. Discuss! There, I’m better. Okay let’s take one last call. Hello?
Caller #3: Hello Linda. This is your mother. I’m alone Elaine Viastahein alone like a dawg. You think on Mother’s Day you would come visit me.
Linda Richman: If I wanted to travel, I wouldn’t take a guilt trip. Mommala, did you get my card?
Caller #3: Yes it’s beautiful. Did you get my card?
Linda Richman: Yes I did. It’s abeautiful thing. It says Live from New York it’s Saturday Night!
[ open on a family’s front living room, everyone seated on opposite couches ]
Dad: Brian? Stacy? Your mother, Ellen, and I are so glad you decided to join us for this Family Communication session.
Stacy: So, what’s up? You guys getting divorced, or something?
Mom: No. We just wanted the family to talk as a group.
Brian: Okay. Well, let’s get it started.
Mom: Okay. Well, Stacy, Brian.. your father, Ted, and I are a little bit concerned. Cecilia, the cleaning lady, was in the family room, and she found a bag of pot.
Stacy: [ anxious ] She didn’t smoke it, did she?
Mom: No! She didn’t smoke it.
Dad: Now, we’re not here to “come down on you” I mean, that’s not what we’re about, okay?
Mom: We’re just concerned that pot could lead to other things.
Dad: Crack. Ice. Boom. Pow.
Mom: Well, we know you don’t want to hear this from us.
Dad: Sure! I mean we’re your parents! Who wants to hear this stuff from their parents, huh?
Mom: Your father and I came up with a brilliant idea to give you kids some direction – a motivational speaker.
Dad: Yeah. One of those guys who speaks to big groups at high schools and churches.
Stacy: You mean, to come to the house?
[ the kids get up to leave ]
Dad: Hey, come on, you guys. This set me back a few bucks. Okay, his name is Matt Foley. Now, he’s been down in the basement drinking coffee for about the last four hours, and he should be all ready to go. I’ll call him up. [ opens the basement door ] Matt, we’re ready for you! [ turns to the kids ] His speech is called “Go For It!” Now, he’s used to big groups, so make him feel like there’s a crowd here. [ calls down the basement again ] Matt! Come on up, buddy!
Matt Foley: [ runs up the stairs, bouncing back and forth as he talks ] Alright, how’s everybody? Good! Good! Good! Now, as your father probably told you, my name is Matt Foley, and I am a Motivational Speaker! Now, let’s get started by me giving you a little bit of a scenario of what my life is all about! First off, I am 35 years old.. I am divorced.. and I live in a van down by the river! Now, you kids are probably saying to yourself, “Now, I’m gonna go out, and I’m gonna get the world by the tail, and wrap it around and put it in my pocket!!” Well, I’m here to tell you that you’re probably gonna find out, as you go out there, that you’re not gonna amount to Jack Squat!!” You’re gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese, and living in a van down by the river! Now, young man, what do you want to do with your life?
Brian: [ nervous ] I.. actually, Matt.. I kinda wanna be a writer..
Matt Foley: We-e-e-elll.. la-de-freakin’-da! We’ve got ourselves a writer here! [ jumps across the room ] Hey, Dad, I can’t see real good.. [ lifts his glasses off and on his face ] ..is that Bill Shakespeare over there?
Dad: Well, actually, Matt.. Ellen and I have encouraged Brian in his writing.
Matt Foley: Dad, I wish you could just shut your big yapper! [ stumbles back across the room ] Now, I wonder.. Brian, from what I’ve heard, you’re using your paper, not for writing, but for rolling doobies!! You’re gonna be doing a lot of doobie-rolling when you’re living in a van down by the river! [ turns to Stacy ] Young lady, what do you want to do with your life?!
Stacy: [ sarcastic ] I want to live in a van down by the river.
Matt Foley: Well, you’ll have plenty of time to live in a van down by the river when you’re.. [ tries to be clever ] ..living in a van down by the river! Now, you kids are probably asking yourself, “Hey, Matt, how can we get back on the right track?!” Well, as I see it, there is only one solution! And that is for me to get my gear, move it on into here, ’cause I’m gonna bunk with you, buddy! We’re gonna be buddies! We’re gonna be pals! [ picks Brian up ] We’re gonna wrassle around! [ puts Brian down ] Ol’ Matt’s gonna be your shadow! [ motions] Here’s Matt, here’s you! There’s Matt, there’s you! [ trips and falls flat on the coffee table, sending it crashing to the floor ] Whoops-a-daisy! [ stands up ] We’re gonna have to clean that up later! Me and my buddies! My pals! My amigos! I’m gonna go get my gear! [ heads for the door ]
Brian: [ runs after Matt ] Wait, Matt! You don’t have to go!
Stacy: [ runs behind Brian ] Yeah, you don’t have to do that! We’ll never smoke pot again!
Dad: Uh, Matt, thanks for all you’ve done!
Matt Foley: I don’t give a rat’s behind, ’cause I’m moving in! I’m sick and tired of living in a van down by the river! [ as Matt steps outside to grab his gear, Dad quickly locks the front door ]
Voice on Intercom…..Julia Sweeney President Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman Hillary Clinton…..Jan Hooks Senator Bob Dole…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on exterior White House, fade to interior Oval Office, PresidentBill Clinton seated at desk ]
Voice on Intercom: [ buzzing in ] Mr. President? The First-Ladyis here to see you.
President Bill Clinton: [ unenthused ] Oh, great.. send her in.[ Hillary enters ] Hillary, great.. thanks for coming.
Hillary Clinton: I’m really busy. Is this really important?
President Bill Clinton: Well, kind of. A lot of people have beenasking about the Health Care Reform package.
Hillary Clinton: Well, what about it?
President Bill Clinton: Well, they want to know what it’s going toinclude, and when it’s going to be made public.
Hillary Clinton: Well, at this point, Bill, I honestly haven’t thefaintest idea.
President Bill Clinton: Right. Well, do you think you’re gonna haveit ready by Fall?
Hillary Clinton: Truthfully? No, I don’t think so.
President Bill Clinton: Well, is there anything definite you can tellme about it?
Hillary Clinton: Well, we know it’s going to require a huge taxincrease.
President Bill Clinton: Uh-huh.. I figured that. Anything else?
Hillary Clinton: Free needles for addicts.
President Bill Clinton: Uh-huh..
Hillary Clinton: You will not be able to choose your owndoctor – now that we know.
President Bill Clinton: Is that about it?
Hillary Clinton: So far, yeah.
President Bill Clinton: Oh, boy..
[ the Intercom buzzes in ]
Voice on Intercom: Mr. President? Senator Dole is here, he says it’simportant.
President Bill Clinton: Fine, fine.. send him in. [ Hillary showsdiscomfort ] Now, Hillary, we need Bob Dole. Now, let’s put onthe charm..
Hillary Clinton: I remember what to do. Have faith in me.Please.
Senator Bob Dole: [ enters Oval Office ] Hillary. Mr. President.
President Bill Clinton: Bob, have a seat..
Hillary Clinton: It’s good to see you!
President Bill Clinton: What can I do for you?
Senator Bob Dole: Well, Bill, I thought, perhaps, it would be best,if we could talk in private. It would be appreciated.
Hillary Clinton: This is private.
Senator Bob Dole: Now, I would hope the leader of the opposition -the President – could..
Hillary Clinton: I happen to be the co-President of theUnited States. Now, anything you have to say to my husband, you may alsosay to me. Okay?
Senator Bob Dole: Alright, Hillary, if that’s the way you want it. I’mgonna be frank with you. Bill, if you think you can send legislation up tothe Hill, and the Republican leader is just going to roll over and play dead -you can think again! That’s like playing handball with a monkey – we’re notgoing to get in the court!
President Bill Clinton: Well, Bob, we’re anxious to workwith you.
Senator Bob Dole: Well, you’re not going to get anywhere by sending up a bill that has $3.50 of tax increases for every $1 of spending cuts.That’s not going to wash – you know it, I know it, the American people knowit!
Hillary Clinton: I don’t know where you get these figures, Bob.Honestly! [ laughs ]
Senator Bob Dole: Hillary, why don’t you give it a rest? Noone elected you to a damn thing! Now, last year you made fun of womenwho bake cookies. Well, let me tell you something – my wife, Elizabeth Dole,the best Secretary of Transportation this country ever had, she ran the busof this country for four years, and it ran on time! She’d come home everynight, and she still had time to bake me a batch of cookies! So, why don’tyou run along and whip up a batch of chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, macaroon,marshmallow treats, or whatever you make, and keep your nose out of thingsyou know nothing about!
President Bill Clinton: Bob, there’s no reason to get personal.Please.
Hillary Clinton: Yeah! That would be so unlike you,Bob!
Senator Bob Dole: [ angry ] Alright, Hillary, one more word out ofyou, and you’re gonna be a stain on that back wall!
Hillary Clinton: Ooh! Ooh, big man! Threatenin a woman! That’s afair fight, Bob!
Senator Bob Dole: Sure, it’s fair! I’m a man, alright.. a one-armedman, a man who lost his arm in service to his country! And you’re a goodwoman with two good working arms, and that’s a fair fight. You know it, Iknow it, the American people know it!
Hillary Clinton: Alright. You’re on! Come on! [ slaps Bob’s arm ]
Senator Bob Dole: Oh? You want to go, do you? [ starts hittingHillary ]
b>President Bill Clinton: Come on, you two! Come on!
Senator Bob Dole: Now, you stay out of this, Bill. I’m doingsomething you should have done a long time ago!
President Bill Clinton: This isn’t gonna solve anything..
Senator Bob Dole: [ striking Hillary with his one good arm ] How’sthat Health Reform Plan coming along?
Hillary Clinton: [ caught off guard ] Well.. it’s difficult to say..
Senator Bob Dole: I thought so! You don’t have a clue,do you?!
President Bill Clinton: Can’t we just get along..? Please.
[ Hillary grabs Bob’s good arm and twists it behind his back ]
Hillary Clinton: How’s that feel, Bob?! How’s that feel?!
Senator Bob Dole: Real brave, Hillary! Beating a one-armed man.That takes a lot of guts.
President Bill Clinton: This is not the way to solve anything..
Hillary Clinton: [ twisting Bob’s arm more ] Say it!
Senator Bob Dole: [ defeated ] Live, from New York, it’s SaturdayNight.
Morey Frugen…..Tom Schiller Harley McDougall…..Chris Farley Pedro Huerrero…..Rob Schneider
(Camera fades in on prison conference room)
Morey Frugen: Hello, Im Morey Frugen. On the night of June 9, 1992, Harley McDougall was convicted of robbing and shooting Pedro Huerrero, a Spanish immigrant. In this room, the victim of the crime will meet the perpetrator face to face.
(SUPER: CRIMINAL ENCOUNTER)
(SUPER: SAN QUENTIN)
Do you remember taking his money?
(SUPER: HARLEY McDOUGALL, CRIMINAL)
Harley McDougall: Yeah.
Morey Frugen: Do you remember shooting his leg?
Harley McDougall: Yeah.
Morey Frugen: So you do admit to robbing and shooting him?
Harley McDougall: No not in that order.
(Camera cuts to Pedro Huerrero)
(SUPER: PEDRO HUERRERO, VICTIM)
Pedro Huerrero: I came to America to be a professional dancer. Now my leg I never dance again.
Harley McDougall: Theres a lot of reasons I did it. Drugs, no job, I grew up an orphan I had a lot of laundry to do that night.
Pedro Huerrero: Im sure he have reason for why he hurt me.
Harley McDougall: I had a bad migraine the cable was out
Pedro Huerrero: I try to forgive you know, but sometimes I wish bad things.
Harley McDougall: My parents abused me they were always fighting
Morey Frugen: You said you were an orphan!
Harley McDougall: Okay, thats another reason
Pedro Huerrero: I would stick an iron bar through this head in one ear, out the other ear and I would turn each end around like a propeller, until his skull popped off like a champagne cork! Pop!
(SUPER: THE ENCOUNTER)
Morey Frugen: Harley, why dont you start?
Harley McDougall: Hi.
Pedro Huerrero: Hello.
Harley McDougall: How are you?
Pedro Huerrero: Im handicapped and yourself?
Harley McDougall: Look, if I could take if back, what happened, I would!
Pedro Huerrero: Take back I just want my leg! Now I never dance again.
Harley McDougall: Dance?
Pedro Huerrero: It was my dream.
Morey Frugen: Would you like to apologize?
Harley McDougall: Apologize? No. But I would like to —
(Harley puts out his hand)
Pedro Huerrero: Never!
Harley McDougall: — dance!
(Harley and Pedro grab each others hand)
(If I Didnt Care plays)
Music: If I Didnt Care more than words can say if I didnt care
Morey Frugen: These men can dance, but what about the thousands more that have no rhythm? Tune in next week, Im Morey Frugen.
(If I Didnt Care continues to play)
(A script of what happened after the encounter scrolls up the screens)
Script: Following this encounter, Pedro stabbed Harley when he refused to merengue and is serving five years in San Quentin. Now known as Sugar and Spice, the duo has since won the Wardens Cup three times in the Annual Prison Dance-Off.
Jack Handey V/O: The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he’s completely draped in it. Then he’ll stand up and go, “Hey, I’m Vine Man.”