Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 1
Husbands And Wives
Woody Allen…..Dana Carvey
Soon-Yi Previn…..Rob Schneider
Mia Farrow…..Jan Hooks
Alan Dershowitz…..Kevin Nealon
Tony Roberts…..Adam Sandler
Frank Sinatra…..Phil Hartman
[ open on exterior, movie theater playing “Husbands And Wives”. Wood Allen exits, nervous, neurotic ]
Woody Allen: That was humiliating! I gotta get out of here, I mean, I’m getting nauseous just thinking about it! I don’t even know where Soon-Yi is, I mean.. [ Soon-Yi exits theater ] Oh, there you are!
Fan: Hey! Great movie!
Woody Allen: Yeah.. sure.. great movie, sure..
Fan: Boy, you sure are a sleazebag!
Woody Allen: Yeah. Okay. Well, that does it. Can we go now, or should I just move in with Salmen Rushdie?
Soon-Yi Previn: I think you’re paranoid, Woody. It’s an important work, everybody loved it.
Woody Allen: Yeah. Yeah. Of course, she takes one college film course, suddenly she’s Susan Sondheim.
Soon-Yi Previn: So, I’m just a joke to you?! Like that girl in the movie?
Woody Allen: Wh-wh-what are you saying? No. You’re a.. beautiful, intelligent woman! You.. you’ve changed my life in meaningful wa-ays. I mean.. didn’t you read the Time interview? I raved about you!
Soon-Yi Previn: I’m just trying to help!
Woody Allen: I know, I’m just a.. I’m just a little.. a little uptight.
Soon-Yi Previn: [ looks off-camera ] Oh, no.
Woody Allen: What? What, now?
Soon-Yi Previn: Look who’s in line.[ camera pans over to show Mia Farrow with Alan Dershowitz ]
Woody Allen: Oh, no.. what is she doing in town? I mean, I thought she’d be over in Bosnia.. cruising orphanages.
Soon-Yi Previn: They’re coming this way.
Woody Allen: [ panicking ] Oh, great! I never should have seen this movie on the west side!
Mia Farrow: Hi, Woody. Hi, Soon-Yi.
Woody Allen: Boy, uh.. this is.. this is awkward..
Mia Farrow: Yeah. You know Alan Dershowitz, huh?
Alan Dershowitz: Uh, yes. We’ve met.
Woody Allen: Great.. great.. so, what, are you double-dating Claus van Bulow now?
Mia Farrow: Woody, come on, don’t make a scene! He’s good with the kids!
Woody Allen: Oh, yeah. Oh, really? Well, what do they all do, go in the den and play Character Assassination?
Mia Farrow: Oh, you know, why can’t you let me have a life? I-I-I..
Woody Allen: What?!
Mia Farrow: I’m finally getting out again..
Woody Allen: No, that’s cra-zy!
Mia Farrow: You’re attacking me..
Woody Allen: No! I’m not attacking you! You’re a beautiful, intelligent woman! I’m.. I’m actually getting turned on by you!
Mia Farrow: Oh, no..
Woody Allen: I’ve never seen this side of you before.. it’s very sexy..
Mia Farrow: No, come on, you get turned on by the silliest things..
Woody Allen: [ looking about ] I don’t.. I don’t believe this..
Mia Farrow: What?
Woody Allen: It’s.. it’s Tony Roberts. This is very awkward! I mean, I haven’t used him in a movie since “Hannah”.. Is he coming over here?
Mia Farrow: Yeah. Say “Hi.”[ Tony Roberts walks up ]
Tony Roberts: Hey, Woody.
Woody Allen: Hi. You know Mia.. Soon-Yi..
Tony Roberts: Yeah. Look, uh.. is there something I’ve done?
Woody Allen: What? No-o-o-o..!
Tony Roberts: Are you pissed off at me?
Woody Allen: No, are you cra-zy..?
Tony Roberts: I mean, I did that Afterschool Special – I tried to get your permission.
Woody Allen: No.. no..
Tony Roberts: I-I thought we were good together.
Woody Allen: You’re a wonderful, terrific, intelligent sidekick!
Tony Roberts: I mean, summer stock’s great, but I gotta pay the bills.
Woody Allen: No, I’ll-I’ll-I’ll use you again, I promise!
Tony Roberts: Max – call me. [ exits ]
Woody Allen: I’ll call you.
Mia Farrow: Woody, listen.. you handled that very well.. you did!
Alan Dershowitz: Mia, are we going in now?
Woody Allen: Yeah, what, does she own you?
Mia Farrow: Why are you doing this?!
Alan Dershowitz: Mia!
Woody Allen: I’m turned on! The heart doesn’t know from logic![ Frank Sinatra enters scene ]
Frank Sinatra: Forget it, Woodcock!
Mia Farrow: Frank!
Frank Sinatra: I let you fly the coop once, Mia, baby! now I’m clipping your wings! I can’t bear to watch you play Musical Jews!
Woody Allen: Yeah, this is crazy! You could be her father!
Frank Sinatra: Look – we’re all weak, baby! Sometimes a guy’s gotta trade up for a new set of wheels! But you made one mistake – you gotta keep your mitts off the kinder! Believe me, I thought about it myself a few times. But I took my business to the john! When you’re a one-man band, nobody gets hurt!
Mia Farrow: What are you talking about? Listen, you’re not making any sense!
Frank Sinatra: Look, cut me some slack, baby. I’m 80 years old! I’m happy if I remember the first line to “Summer Wind”. I think it’s.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“