SNL Transcripts: Nicolas Cage: 09/26/92: Husbands And Wives/title>

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Husbands And Wives

Woody Allen…..Dana Carvey
Soon-Yi Previn…..Rob Schneider
Fan…..Chris Farley
Mia Farrow…..Jan Hooks
Alan Dershowitz…..Kevin Nealon
Tony Roberts…..Adam Sandler
Frank Sinatra…..Phil Hartman

[ open on exterior, movie theater playing “Husbands And Wives”. Wood Allen exits, nervous, neurotic ]

Woody Allen: That was humiliating! I gotta get out of here, I mean, I’m getting nauseous just thinking about it! I don’t even know where Soon-Yi is, I mean.. [ Soon-Yi exits theater ] Oh, there you are!

Fan: Hey! Great movie!

Woody Allen: Yeah.. sure.. great movie, sure..

Fan: Boy, you sure are a sleazebag!

Woody Allen: Yeah. Okay. Well, that does it. Can we go now, or should I just move in with Salmen Rushdie?

Soon-Yi Previn: I think you’re paranoid, Woody. It’s an important work, everybody loved it.

Woody Allen: Yeah. Yeah. Of course, she takes one college film course, suddenly she’s Susan Sondheim.

Soon-Yi Previn: So, I’m just a joke to you?! Like that girl in the movie?

Woody Allen: Wh-wh-what are you saying? No. You’re a.. beautiful, intelligent woman! You.. you’ve changed my life in meaningful wa-ays. I mean.. didn’t you read the Time interview? I raved about you!

Soon-Yi Previn: I’m just trying to help!

Woody Allen: I know, I’m just a.. I’m just a little.. a little uptight.

Soon-Yi Previn: [ looks off-camera ] Oh, no.

Woody Allen: What? What, now?

Soon-Yi Previn: Look who’s in line.

[ camera pans over to show Mia Farrow with Alan Dershowitz ]

Woody Allen: Oh, no.. what is she doing in town? I mean, I thought she’d be over in Bosnia.. cruising orphanages.

Soon-Yi Previn: They’re coming this way.

Woody Allen: [ panicking ] Oh, great! I never should have seen this movie on the west side!

Mia Farrow: Hi, Woody. Hi, Soon-Yi.

Woody Allen: Boy, uh.. this is.. this is awkward..

Mia Farrow: Yeah. You know Alan Dershowitz, huh?

Alan Dershowitz: Uh, yes. We’ve met.

Woody Allen: Great.. great.. so, what, are you double-dating Claus van Bulow now?

Mia Farrow: Woody, come on, don’t make a scene! He’s good with the kids!

Woody Allen: Oh, yeah. Oh, really? Well, what do they all do, go in the den and play Character Assassination?

Mia Farrow: Oh, you know, why can’t you let me have a life? I-I-I..

Woody Allen: What?!

Mia Farrow: I’m finally getting out again..

Woody Allen: No, that’s cra-zy!

Mia Farrow: You’re attacking me..

Woody Allen: No! I’m not attacking you! You’re a beautiful, intelligent woman! I’m.. I’m actually getting turned on by you!

Mia Farrow: Oh, no..

Woody Allen: I’ve never seen this side of you before.. it’s very sexy..

Mia Farrow: No, come on, you get turned on by the silliest things..

Woody Allen: [ looking about ] I don’t.. I don’t believe this..

Mia Farrow: What?

Woody Allen: It’s.. it’s Tony Roberts. This is very awkward! I mean, I haven’t used him in a movie since “Hannah”.. Is he coming over here?

Mia Farrow: Yeah. Say “Hi.”

[ Tony Roberts walks up ]

Tony Roberts: Hey, Woody.

Woody Allen: Hi. You know Mia.. Soon-Yi..

Tony Roberts: Yeah. Look, uh.. is there something I’ve done?

Woody Allen: What? No-o-o-o..!

Tony Roberts: Are you pissed off at me?

Woody Allen: No, are you cra-zy..?

Tony Roberts: I mean, I did that Afterschool Special – I tried to get your permission.

Woody Allen: No.. no..

Tony Roberts: I-I thought we were good together.

Woody Allen: You’re a wonderful, terrific, intelligent sidekick!

Tony Roberts: I mean, summer stock’s great, but I gotta pay the bills.

Woody Allen: No, I’ll-I’ll-I’ll use you again, I promise!

Tony Roberts: Max – call me. [ exits ]

Woody Allen: I’ll call you.

Mia Farrow: Woody, listen.. you handled that very well.. you did!

Alan Dershowitz: Mia, are we going in now?

Woody Allen: Yeah, what, does she own you?

Mia Farrow: Why are you doing this?!

Alan Dershowitz: Mia!

Woody Allen: I’m turned on! The heart doesn’t know from logic!

[ Frank Sinatra enters scene ]

Frank Sinatra: Forget it, Woodcock!

Mia Farrow: Frank!

Frank Sinatra: I let you fly the coop once, Mia, baby! now I’m clipping your wings! I can’t bear to watch you play Musical Jews!

Woody Allen: Yeah, this is crazy! You could be her father!

Frank Sinatra: Look – we’re all weak, baby! Sometimes a guy’s gotta trade up for a new set of wheels! But you made one mistake – you gotta keep your mitts off the kinder! Believe me, I thought about it myself a few times. But I took my business to the john! When you’re a one-man band, nobody gets hurt!

Mia Farrow: What are you talking about? Listen, you’re not making any sense!

Frank Sinatra: Look, cut me some slack, baby. I’m 80 years old! I’m happy if I remember the first line to “Summer Wind”. I think it’s.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

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