Melrose Place


93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

Melrose Place

Wayne Campbell…..Mike Myers
Amanda…..Heather Locklear
Jake…..Chris Farley
Jo…..Julia Sweeney
Billy…..Adam Sandler
Allison…..Melanie Hutsell
Jane…..David Spade
Matt…..Jay Mohr
Sydney…..Sarah Silverman
Michael…..Rob Schneider


[open on suburban home with title: “Aurora, Illinois”] [fade to interior, with Wayne Campbell watching television on couch] [“Melrose Place” theme song plays]

Wayne: All right, okay, man, “Melrose Place.” Bonus, man. I am totally, totally addicted to this show. It’s a babe-fest, man. Heather Lockler [growls], she’s the leader of the Bod Squad, man. Oh, Amanda, sweet Amanda. [yawns] She’s the woman of my dreams. [lies down on couch] Of my dreams. Of my…diddly-dum, diddly-dum, diddly-dum…[waves his fingers in front of his face to indicate the start of a dream sequence] [distorted dissolve to Wayne yelling as he falls against a hypno-swirl with changing colors] [distorted dissolve to Wayne waking up in a bed, still waving his fingers in front of his face]

Wayne: Diddly-dum, diddly-dum, diddly-dum. Oh, where am I? What the… [shot widens and he sees a blond head next to him] Oh, thank God, Garth. Garth! Wake up, come on man, it’s me, Wayne, wake up, come on Garth.

Amanda: [pulls covers off her head] Good morning, Wayne.

Wayne: [makes cartoonish sound of surprise] Schwing! [raises pelvis off bed] I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy! [makes fawning arm gesture]

Amanda: Cut the crap, tiger. Last night was okay, but don’t let it get to your head, Wayne. I’m an important advertising executive with an agency to run. And I have to get to work. [gets out of bed to reveal that she is already dressed in a mustard colored business suit] You better go before my boyfriend, Jake, finds you. [opens door]

Wayne: Jake? Jake? [walks out of door and into “Melrose Place” courtyard] I’m in “Melrose Place!” Cool, all right. The number one show for young adults, ages eighteen to thirty four. A tough little demographic to crack. Excellent, excellent, all right.

Jake: [coming down stairs] What are you doing in Amanda’s apartment?

Wayne: Hi Jake. Jake, I’m, ah, I’m the new handyman.

Jake: What do you mean?

Wayne: You know, I’m unclogging her pipes.

Jake: What are you getting at?

Wayne: I’ve been having sexual intercourse with Amanda, repeatedly in different positions for many, many hours.

Jake: What are you trying to say?

Wayne: That you’re a complete idiot.

Jake: Look, Amanda would never sleep with anyone except me.

Wayne: Sha, right. Okay. Hey, Chet, I watch the show all the time, you know, I mean, here’s a quarter, buy a clue. [flips a quarter to Jake, which Jake catches] All right, here you go. Yeah right.

[Jake exits stage right]

Amanda: [comes through door, now wearing a grey business suit] So, Wayne, I see you’ve met Jake. Oh, damn, I forgot my car keys. I’ll be right back. [goes back into apartment]

Wayne: Okay, hurry up though, eh? Wow, what a nice place. I wonder how much they pay in rent and stuff. Hey! [approaches Jo in the courtyard] It’s Jo, the hardened New York photographer who has seen it all.

Jo: Wayne, you’re new around here, so I’ll save you some heartache. I’m from New York, so I know how tough life can be. Amanda’s no good. She’s a mean, conniving bitch who will chew you up and spit you out. Stay away from her, Wayne.

Wayne: Okay, well, let me just say that I hear what you’re saying and I appreciate your concern, all right? Your thoughts are very well organized, presented clearly and concisely. But bear with me. Are you mental? It’s Heather Locklear! She’d give a dog a bone! Hello?

Jo: This would never happen in New York. [exits stage right] [shot widens to show Billy and Allison sitting at a table]

Wayne: Oh! All right. Look who it is, man. It’s Billy and Allison, America’s most uninteresting couple.

Billy: Allison, I love you. When you’re not here, I miss you.

Allison: Billy, I love you. But I’m in advertising, and I have to go to work to the advertising agency. [stands and exits stage right]

Billy: Allison, come back. I miss you.

Wayne: Hold on, hold on. [sits down next to Billy] [fake sneezes] Ah-ah-ah-whipped! Ah-ah-ah-no-balls! Sorry, man, I seem to be allergic to emasculation. Oh, and by the way, Billy, close your mouth. You’re catching flies there, chief. [puts his hand under Billy’s chin and closes his mouth for him]

Billy: I better go after Allison. I miss her. [stands and exits stage right]

Wayne: All right. All right. Okay.

[Amanda comes through door, now wearing a canary yellow business suit]

Wayne: Hey, um, did you just change outfits?

Amanda: Huh?

Wayne: Nothing.

Amanda: Listen, you bastard. I have a very important meeting down at D&D. But maybe we can get away this weekend. Oh, damn! I forgot my portfolio that contains advertising documents. Which I need, because I’m a very important advertising executive. [goes back into apartment]

Wayne: Okay. Hurry back, all right? [hears somebody crying and follows the sound to find Jane sitting in a lounge chair, weeping into a magazine] What’s wrong, Jane?

Jane: I have the worst part on the show.

Wayne: Well, yeah. Next to Matt, the token gay guy.

Matt: [enters stage left] That’s me! Gotta go. [exits stage right]

Wayne: Okay. [waves]

Sydney: [enters stage left] Oh, boo-hoo, Jane, poor baby.

Michael: [enters stage right] Shut up, Sydney! Hey lighten up, Janie.

Wayne: Hey, it’s Michael, the no-good doctor, and Sydney, the psycho hose-beast. She may be a babe, but it’s major vagina dentata action. And I’m not talking about The Police’s unreleased fourth album.

Jane: Stay away from her, Wayne.

Sydney: Shut up. You’re my sister, not my mother. [attacks Jane]

Wayne: All right, catfight. Go at it, man! Excellent! Saucer of milk, table two. Ding-ding-ding! Rawr! All right, tear each other’s clothes off! Come on, tear it off! [to Michael] So, let me get this straight, man. You’re, like, this doctor, right? Who is married to this blonde, who had an affair with a redhead–the blonde’s sister–plus it was Hump Olympics with some chick down at the hospital?

Michael: That’s right, Wayne.

Wayne: Good work, my friend. This is cool.

[Amanda comes through door, now wearing a salmon business suit]

Wayne: Hey, Amanda, weren’t you just wearing a different color?

Amanda: Huh?

Wayne: Nothing.

Amanda: Listen, Wayne, I’m getting a little fed up with you, you bastard. You can’t just come waltzing into “Melrose Place” and take over my life, you bastard. I am an executive. An advertising executive. I have a job. A very important job. An advertising job, you bastard.

Wayne: Okay, but let me just say–

Amanda: Shut up, Wayne! [throws Wayne down on the table and kisses him]

Wayne: Excellent. All right. Okay.

Amanda: [waves her fingers in front of Wayne’s face] Diddly-dum, diddly-dum, diddly-dum.

Wayne: What? No, no-no! No diddly-dum! Amanda, I want to stay in “Melrose Place!” Come on, I’m not ready to go! Come on, no diddly-dum!

[dissolve to Wayne waking up on the couch]

Wayne: [waving his fingers in front of his face] Diddly-dum, diddly-dum… I guess it was all a dream. [peeks under his blanket] Or was it? [flings off the blanket to reveal that he is wearing the salmon business suit] Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! [fade to black]

Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Heather Locklear’s Monologue


Heather Locklear’s Monologue

…..Heather Locklear
…..Phil Hartman
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Melanie Hutsell
…..Jay Leno
…..Chris Farley
Canteen Boy…..Adam Sandler


Heather Locklear: Well, this is an honor to be hosting the last show of the season, and it’s great to be here, away from the fairy tale world of “Melrose Place.”

[ Phil Hartman appears in the shadows offstage ]

Phil Hartman: Heather.

Heather Locklear: [ deterred ] What is it, Phil?

Phil Hartman: May I talk to you for a moment.

Heather Locklear: Sure! [ to the audience ] Excuse me a second. [ steps offstage ] This better be good, Phil!

Phil Hartman: Heather, I missed you last night. I thought you were coming over?

Heather Locklear: Well, you thought wrong.

Phil Hartman: [ outraged ] You were with Nealon, weren’t you!

Heather Locklear: [ annoyed ] How dare you! And what if I was? It’s none of your business! Excuse me! [ walks away ] [ Kevin Nealon appears in the shadows on the other side of the stage ]

Kevin Nealon: Heather. Over here.

Heather Locklear: [ hugs Kevin ] Kevin, thank God!

Kevin Nealon: What’s wrong?

Heather Locklear: Just hold me, please hold me! [ curls up in Kevin’s arms ] It’s Phil. He knows everything about us!

Kevin Nealon: [ alarmed ] How?!

Heather Locklear: You tell me.

Kevin Nealon: [ sighs ] I’m gonna kill him! Right after “Update”, I’m gonna kill him!

Heather Locklear: Oh, just be careful.

Kevin Nealon: Oh, I will. [ walks away ] [ Melanie Hutsell enters ]

Melanie Hutsell: Heather! Come here! Oh, I’m so glad I saw you!

Heather Locklear: Oh, well! Melanie, you were just terrific on rehearsals today!

Melanie Hutsell: [ touched ] Really? Oh, that means a lot to me!

Heather Locklear: [ laughs, then slaps Melanie’s face ] Don’t let it happen again!

Melanie Hutsell: [ surprised ] What!

Heather Locklear: You heard me! This is my show, just stay out of my way!

Melanie Hutsell: But, Heather, I thought that we were –

Heather Locklear: Don’t cross me, Melanie! Because when I’m done with you, all you’ll be left with is that proverbial wish – that you’d never been born! [ storms away ]

Melanie Hutsell: Oh, I hate her! I hate her! I HATE HER!! And, you know? Somebody needs to take care of that bitch!

[ Heather enters a backstage area, where she is stopped by Jay Leno ]

Jay Leno: Heather!

Heather Locklear: [ disgusted ] Not here, you idiot! How dare you! I thought I told you never to talk to me in public! Someone could have seen us!

Jay Leno: I’m sorry, but I thought you might want to see.. [ whips out manila envelope ] ..these!

Heather Locklear: Well, I don’t get it. What are these?

Jay Leno: Funny headlines! From newspapers from all over the country!

Heather Locklear: [ opens up envelope and laughs ] This is great! [ reads ] “Dead Man Drives Car”? I don’t believe that!

Jay Leno: It’s real, I swear! This are real, actual headlines!

Heather Locklear: If you are lying about this, Jay, I will destroy you and “The Tonight Show”! [ throws envelope at Jay and storms away ]

Jay Leno: [ shaken ] Fair enough..

[ Heather continues to walk backstage, where she runs into Chris Farley ]

Heather Locklear: Hello, Chris! Oh, you’re a sight for sore eyes, lover!

Chris Farley: [ turns around dramatically ] I told you! I have nothing left to say to you!

Heather Locklear: Look, Chris. I know we’ve had our troubles –

Chris Farley: Your trouble, Heather! And I don’t want anything to do with you!

Heather Locklear: Chris.. I don’t know exactly how to tell you this, but.. I’m pregnant.

Chris Farley: Is it even mine?

Heather Locklear: I saw the ultrasound, Chris. Trust me – it’s yours.

Chris Farley: Well, Heather, I don’t care any more!

Heather Locklear: Come back here! Don’t you turn your back on me! Don’t you dare turn your back on me!

Chris Farley: Shut.. up.. Heather! And go do your monologue! [ exits ]

Heather Locklear: Oh, I’ll do the monologue, Chris! And then I’ll finish you, and Leno, and all the rest of them! [ walks forward and pauses in front of Canteen Boy ] Isn’t that right, Canteen Boy?

Canteen Boy: [ meekly ] Uh.. yeah, Heather.. whatever floats your boat..

Heather Locklear: [ kisses Canteen boy on the lips, then exits ] [ Melanie and Phil step forward again ]

Melanie Hutsell: Gosh, she’s really sad!

Phil Hartman: Yeah.. it’s a sickness!

Canteen Boy: I think you’re sick.

Phil Hartman: What?!

Canteen Boy: Nothing.

[ cut back to Heather on Home Base ]

Heather Locklear: Sorry about that! It took a little longer than I thought. Anyway, I have had a fantastic week, everyone here has been so terrific, it’s been great destroying them! Anyway, we’ve got a great show. Janet Jackson is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Andy Rooney


93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

Andy Rooney

Ed Bradley … Tim Meadows
Andy Rooney … Norm MacDonald


[Bumper for CBS’ TV newsmagazine “60 Minutes”: aticking stopwatch. Dissolve to correspondent EdBradley addressing the camera.]

Ed Bradley: As the old refrain goes, “Peoplewho need people are the luckiest people in the world.”And then – there’s Andy Rooney.

[Dissolve to elderly, graying weekly commentator AndyRooney who sits at the desk in his office, with hisjacket off and shirtsleeves rolled-up, addressing thecamera in his irritatingly snide, cadencedvoice.]

Andy Rooney: People are everywhere nowadays. Itseems like you can’t go anywhere without bumping intosome people. People follow you when you’re shopping.They ask you for directions. And, sometimes, they askyou what time it is. People never know what time itis. They have to ask you.

There are over four billion people in the world.That’s a lot of people. And I suppose most people likeeach other all right. But I don’t. Idon’t like people and I never have. Iguess that makes me bad.

Advertisers are always using people to help sell theirproducts. [holds a box of Kellogg’s Corn Flakescereal] Here’s something called corn flakes. It’s gota picture of some people on the box. I guess we’resupposed to think, “Well, these people likecorn flakes. I guess I will, too.” [sets box aside]But I don’t think that. I don’t like people. And Idon’t like pictures of people either.

There’s even a magazine now about people. [holds up acopy of People Magazine with a photo of ClintEastwood on the cover] It’s called “PeopleMagazine.” This issue has a picture of somefellow’s head on the cover. I’ll bet that’s a goodarticle. [sets magazine aside]

Here’s a box of letters from different people. [dumpsa large box of envelopes on the desktop] Seems there’snothing people enjoy more than writing me letters.[picks envelopes from the pile and holds them up tothe camera, one at a time] Here’s one from -Washington. This one’s from – Ohio. Here’s one from -North Dakota.

Here’s one from – Paris, Texas. Now, I don’t knowwhere Paris, Texas is – but I do knowthis — I’m getting pretty tired of cities inTexas naming themselves after cities in France.

Here’s one from Chicago. This one’s from Iowa. Here’sone from Iowa, too. Here’s one from Montana. Thisone’s from someplace called “Kansas City.” Here’s onefrom Montana. Here’s one from Arizona. This one’s fromLas Vegas. Here’s one from Virginia – and here’sanother one – from West Virginia. This one’sfrom Indiana. I don’t know where this one’sfrom – but it’s yellow and has a big stamp on it. Thisone’s from Colorado. Here’s one from Michigan.

I receive about one hundred of these letters everysingle day. I never open them. I don’t likeopening them. I set fire to them.

Then, I pour water on the box of burning letters toput it out the fire. Then, I take the whole mess and Idump it out of my window on the people below. Peopledon’t like that much. But I like doing it to them. Isuppose that makes me bad.

[Dissolve back to Ed Bradley, addressing thecamera.]

Ed Bradley: We’ll be back next week withanother edition of “60 Minutes.”

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Amazing Time Savers


Amazing Time Savers

Janet Miles…..Heather Locklear
Richard Hayden…..Mike Myers
Caller #1…..Julia Sweeney
Caller #2…..
Caller #3…..Rob Schneider
Caller #4…..Adam Sandler


[ open on the set of the “Amazing Time Savers” infomercial, telephone operators and a bulb-packed map of the United States behind Janet and the product counter ]

Janet Miles: Hello, and welcome to “Amazing Time Savers”, your home shopping connection. I’m Janet Miles. As always, operators are standing by to take your calls. And you will certainly want to call my guest on today’s show. He brings with him an extraordinary, time-saving invention. But I’m gonna let him tell you all about it. Please welcome, Richard Hayden!

[ Richard comes out laughing excitedly, and stands beside his product ]

Richard Hayden: Thanks, Janet! Thanks for having me on this show. Now, Janet, do you like pasta?

Janet Miles: [ addressing her audience more than Richard ] I love pasta! But the problem is, I never have the time to make it.

Richard Hayden: Really? If I told you that you could have a good-tasting pasta meal, prepared in less than five minutes.. what would you say?

Janet Miles: I’d say you’re a few bricks shy of a load!

[ Janet and Richard laugh at her joke ]

Richard Hayden: Well, Janet, I’m not! [ laughs ] And you know what? I’m going to demonstrate my pasta-maker for you and your audience. Do you think your audience would like that?

[ the audience claps ]

Janet Miles: This I have to see! Now, this is a complicated process. Right, Richard?

Richard Hayden: No. My pasta-maker is easy to operate, because the directions are easy to follow.

Janet Miles: Well, we’ve heard that before: you buy an appliance with easy-to-follow directions, and you get it home, and you need a Ph.D to figure it out. Usually, this “easy direction” stuff is a big lie.. like the Holocaust! [ the phones ring wild, and the bulbs light up on the map ] Now, are your directions really easy to follow? Or is it just another Holocaust-type scam?

Richard Hayden: [ dumbfounded by Janet’s statements ] Uh.. they’re, uh.. they’re, uh.. easy to follow.. they, uh.. involve, uh.. three easy steps..

Janet Miles: Well, does the audience want to see these three easy steps to good-tasting pasta?

[ the audience relunctantly claps ]

Richard Hayden: O..kay.. Well, you just pour in the flour.. [ pours in the flour ] ..the egg and water mix.. [ pours in the egg and water ] ..and that’s it. Hit the button, and look. Here comes the pasta [ pasta starts coming out of the machine ].

Janet Miles: [ excited ] So incredible! And so fast! Well, let’s take some phone calls! I’m sure people want to find out more about this amazing machine! Caller, you’re on “Timesavers”!

Caller #1: [ shaken ] Are you insane?! Did you just say that the Holocaust was a lie?!

Janet Miles: Listen.. there is no way of ever knowing if the Holocaust actually happened. But we do know this is an amazing pasta-maker. Next caller. You’re on “Timesaver”!

Caller #2: This is unbelieveable..

Janet Miles: Isn’t it! That pasta came out in less that three minutes!

Caller #2: No! I mean, how when I first tuned in to the show, I told my husband how I thought you had crazy eyes.. then, like, a minute later, you said that thing about the Holocaust.. I was right. You are completely insane!

Janet Miles: [ chipper ] And so are you, if you don’t order this amazing pasta-maker! Thanks for your call! [ turning to Richard ] Well, Richard, this pasta-maker is truly amazing! And it’s made here in America, isn’t it?

Richard Hayden: Yes.. It’s.. it’s an American appliance that makes Italian food.

Janet Miles: [ amazed ] That’s great! Because, if you’re like me, you’re tired of buying from the Jap! [ more phones ring ] Everywhere you turn, it’s a Jap product. They’re taking over! At least with Pearl Harbor, we knew we were getting attacked.. but with this invasion of Nip products, it’s even sneakier, you know?

Richard Hayden: wanting badly to sneak out of the studio ] Uh.. yeah.. Well, it’s made here in the U.S.A., Janet.. And do you know what’s the best part? The price!

Janet Miles: Okay, here comes the catch.. this has to cost a lot of money. Your invention makes good-tasting pasta in under four minutes. It’s durable and so simple to use, even a Puerto Rican can figure it out! [ all the phones start ringing at once ] And it makes enough for a family of six. Now, this must cost at least $200. Am I right?

Richard Hayden: [ totally embarrassed ] Yeah.. uh.. I mean no. It’s much less.. it’s $39.95.. [ waving his hands in protest ] But I just want to say..

Janet Miles: I know. Let’s take some more calls and sell some pasta-makers! Caller, you’re on “Time Savers”!

Caller #3: [ speaks in Spanish ]

Janet Miles: Who, whoa, whoa! Pepe! Pepe! Slow down! We’ll have to find a Spanish-speaking operator to take your order. Next caller, you’re on “Timesavers”!

Caller #4: [ outraged ] Listen to me, you crazy bitch! I’m gonna find out where you live, and you will pay!!

Janet Miles: Me pay? Why don’t you pay, for one of these pasta-makers? [ addressing her audience ] You simply cannot go wrong at $39.95. Call now, because you couldn’t buy it cheaper off a drunken Indian! [ the phones go crazy, and Richard ducks for safety below the counter ] The orders are pouring in, and we’ll see you, next time on “Amazing Time Savers”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

So Long, Farewell


93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

So Long, Farewell

…..Phil Hartman
Kristy…..David Spade
Lucy…..Adam Sandler
Tori Spelling…..Melanie Hutsell
Ike Turner…..Tim Meadows
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Jay Mohr
…..Sarah Silverman
…..Norm MacDonald
Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Zoraida…..Ellen Cleghorne
Richmeister…..Rob Schneider
Pat…..Julia Sweeney
…..Michael McKean
Matt Foley…..Chris Farley


[ open on Phil Hartman stading alone on a darkened Home Base ]

Phil Hartman: Ladies and gentlemen, as we close out our 19th season, let’s say goodbye to the “Saturday Night Live” family singers.

[ the remaining cast members and featured players enter Home Base, each dressed as one of their prominent recurring characters – except for Kevin Nealon, Jay Mohr, Sarah Silverman and Norm MacDonald, who appear as themselves ] [ singing ]

All:
“So long, farewell!
Auf wiedersehen, goodnight!”

Lucy & Kristy:
“We sell you jeans
Like, even if they’re too tight!”

[ Lucy and Kristy lock hands and dance away from Home Base giggling ]

All:
“So long, farewell!
We must be stealing.”

Tori Spelling: Watch “90210”.

Ike Turner: “I’m sorry, Kevin Nealon.”

[ Ike and Tori hug Kevin, as they dance away from Home Base ]

All:
“So long, farewell!
We’d like to give you more.”

Jay Mohr, Sarah Silverman, Norm MacDonald:
“We’re not on a lot
So we’d better try and score.”

[ Sarah Silverman hops on Jay Mohr’s back, as they and Norm MacDonald dance away from Home Base ]

All:
“So long, goodbye
It’s time to say farewell.”

Linda Richman:
“I feel verklempt
So talk among yourselves.”

[ Linda Richman dances away from Home Base ]

All:
“So long, farewell!
We have to bid adieu.”

Zoraida:
“What makes you think
That I won’t cut you?”

[ Zoraida flaps hwer skirt and dances away from Home Base ]

All:
“So long, farewell!
To say goodbye is sad.”

Richmeister & Pat:
“We skipped this year
And that’s why it was bad.”

[ Richmeister & Pat dance away from Home Base ]

All:
“So long, farewell!
We’ll wake up bright and early.”

Michael McKean: [ dressed as Lenny ]“I don’t have a character yet
But I was on ‘Laverne & Shirley’.”

[ Michael McKean dances away from Home Base ]

Matt Foley: [ alone at Home Base, tired and beat ]“So long.. farewell!
Hey, what am I, chopped liver?
I need.. to sleep..
In a van.. down by the.. river.”

[ Matt slowly and defeatedly takes his seat on the apron of the stage, half-asleep, as Phil Hartman sits down and wraps his arm around Matt ]

Phil Hartman: [ to audience ] You know.. I can’t imagine a more dignifed way.. to end my eight years on this program.
[ singing ]“Good-bye.. good-bye..
Good-byeeeeeeee!”

[ spotlight centers on Phil and Matt, as camera zooms out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon


93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

… Kevin Nealon
… Norm MacDonald
… Adam Sandler
Captain Jim … Tim Meadows


[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with KevinNealon!

[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheersand applause. Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon.Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin gets comfortable inhis seat as his image continues to rotate on thescreen beside him. Dissolve to a closer view of Kevinat the desk.]

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m KevinNealon.

Convicted serial killer John Wayne Gacy was executedthis week. Afterwards, he and thirty-two other deadclowns were all piled into a tiny little hearse….

Well, yesterday, President Clinton nominated CircuitAppeals Court Judge Stephen Breyer to the U.S. SupremeCourt. Asked about his plans after being passed over,a disappointed Bruce Babbitt said he’ll immediatelystop paying his servants Social Security benefits….

A publicist says exclusive pictures of Michael Fay’scaned buttocks could be worth half a million dollars…. Half a million dollars. Man, this kid is sittingon a gold mine. … Yeah.

In medical news, it’s been reported that a cardiacarrest victim was recently revived with the aid of acommon toilet plunger. So, apparently, Bill Clinton’shealth care plan CAN work. …

In other medical news, scientists have discovered thata man can be frozen in a state of suspended animationfor up to five years without losing his job at thepost office. … [some applause]

Kevin Nealon: Well, Whitewater continues todominate the headlines and is the subject of tonight’sHomophobic Perspective. Here is Update correspondentand homophobic guy, Norm Macdonald. Norm? [cheers andapplause for a clean-cut Norm in a brown suit andtie]

Norm Macdonald: Thank you, Kevin. Thank you.Uh, first of all, let me say I have nothing againsthomosexuals. I think homosexuals are no better orworse than any of the rest of us. I just happen to beafraid of them. It’s no big deal.

Now, I’m here to talk tonight about this so-calledWhitewater scandal. Unless you’ve been living in acave for the past year, I’m sure you’re familiar withevery tedious and confusing detail. Does the mediareally believe that the American people CARE aboutsome land deal that took place over fifteen years–?Hey, Kevin, could you give me a little roomhere?

Kevin Nealon: What?

Norm Macdonald: I’m tryin’ to do thisWhitewater thing, you know, you’re kindaclose.

Kevin Nealon: You’re sitting exactly where allthe Update correspondents sit, Norm.

Norm Macdonald: Oh, is that right, huh? Well,that works out good for you then, doesn’t it? …Wonder who came up with THAT policy, huh? [continues]Anyways, my point is that I think it’s about time themedia began giving the same kind of coverage to issueslike health care that– [suddenly, to Kevin] Did youjust move closer to me?!

Kevin Nealon: What? No. I’m–

Norm Macdonald: It looks like you’recloser!

Kevin Nealon: No, Norm. I’m in precisely thesame place. Now, just get on with youreditorial.

Norm Macdonald: Hey, maybe we should just sharea chair. Is that better for you? We could sit in thesame chair? Maybe that’d be best. Save on chairs! Thatcould be your new policy! … Man. [continues]Anyways, the media, I have always felt, should notshape public sentiment but, rather, reflect it. And Ithink that, in the case of Whitewater, the public issaying loudly and clear– [suddenly, to Kevin] Can Ihelp you?!

Kevin Nealon: What? …

Norm Macdonald: Is there something I can helpyou with?

Kevin Nealon: No. Look, Norm, okay, I’ve hadabout enough of this, all right? So why don’t you justdo me a favor and finish your editorial?Please.

Norm Macdonald: All right, hey, maybe you coulddo me a favor, too. How would that be? Maybe youcould, uh, gaze lovingly into somebody else’s eyes forfive seconds? Would that be all right? … [continues]Anyways, the, uh, media has always served an importantrole in this society and that has been the role ofwatchdog. But who, I ask you, who is watchingthe watchdog? I mean, we – we all know who’s watchin’my crotch, right? It’s … buddy boy over here. [jerksa thumb at Kevin] But, uh … No president has everundergone the intense scrutiny that Bill Clinton has.I wonder how well any of us would fare if our liveswere placed under the magnifying glass– [suddenly, toKevin] I thought you were married orsomething!

Kevin Nealon: I am married! But, look,Norm, I’ve had – I’ve had it. Obviously, you’reimplying something about my sexuality and I – I – I -Why don’t you just come right out and say it?

Norm Macdonald: No, I’m not implyin’ anything.I’m talkin’ about Whitewater. I’m not implyin’anything. Why don’t you just go over some of your fakenews and I’ll finish up here?

Kevin Nealon: No, no, no, I don’t – don’t thinkso, pal. Just say what you have to say to my face. Bea man.

Norm Macdonald: I am a man. I’m a man. Iam a man. I am a man. I’m just sayin’ that, uh… you’re kinda that way, right? I mean, there’snothin’ wrong with it but you’re, you know, youprefer your own gender, that’s all. You –partake of the love that dare not speak itsname, right? … That’s all right. That’s noproblem. I mean, you find the idea of being with awoman abhorrent to your very core. That’s okay.You know, you’re homosexual, right? You’re gay. Imean, you’re – you’re – you’re a gay man,right?

Kevin Nealon: No.

Norm Macdonald: [amused] No? Methinks thou dothprotest too much. …

Kevin Nealon: Look, why don’t you justleave?

Norm Macdonald: Fine with me!

Kevin Nealon: Norm Macdonald,everybody.

[Cheers and applause as Kevin shakes his head sadlyand watches Norm roll off.]

Kevin Nealon: Well, the annular eclipse of thesun is over. You may once again stare directly at thesun. …

New York Governor Mario Cuomo was left speechless at aconference when a businesswoman proclaimed that shewas imagining him naked. The woman then shocked Cuomofurther by filing sexual harassment charges….

[Photo of Hillary Clinton wearing a hat and make-upthat makes her look uncannily like Jack Nicholson inthe film “Batman”] And the Joker is back at it againin Gotham. … [applause] [Logo of the American Automobile Association] Well,the triple-A of New York celebrated its ninety-secondanniversary this week. As a surprise, they called inall their tow truck drivers for a big party. Thedrivers said they’d be there right away, then showedup three hours later. …

Startling new evidence suggests the Girl from Ipanemawas actually short and pale and old and homely….

In other news, according to the FBI, the overall crimerate in the United States dropped by three percentlast year. Experts attribute the drop to an extendedEuropean tour – [photo of smiling rap artist] – byTupac Shakur. …

Spike Lee’s “Crooklyn” opened yesterday. Reviews wereso positive, Lee announced plans for a sequel — “TheCronx.” …

This just in. Fabio has officially entered hisfourteenth minute of fame. … Congratulations, Fabio.[applause] [Kevin glances at side by side photos of “HawaiiFive-O” actor Jack Lord and singer-songwriter JamesTaylor] Lord and Taylor. …

Kevin Nealon: And now, with a song for thesummer, is Weekend Update correspondent Adam Sandler.Adam?

[Big cheers and applause as we pan over to a smilingAdam Sandler in cap, T-shirt and flannel shirt,holding his acoustic guitar.]

Adam Sandler: How ya doin’? Thank you. Allright. Well, uh, thank you. Um, summer, for me growin’up, always meant one thing — fallin’ in love. And,uh, as we all know, love doesn’t always work out. Butwhat keeps us goin’ is the hope that someday it will.Here’s a little song about that.

[plays guitar and croons along wordlessly beforesinging the song in his usual high-pitchedvoice]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Summer of ’68, we’d walk on the beach and watch thesea gulls fly.
Sunlight in her hair, her eyes were bluer than thesummer sky.
She’d hold me in her arms and tell me everything wouldbe all right.

But why’d she have to be my mother? …
Why’d she have to be married to my dad? …
Why’d she have to be my mother?
We could have been so much more
But she said it was best if we were just friends….
Oh Summer Love!

Summer of ’71 — my second love — we met on the fieldbehind the school.
We used to play all the day in the sun, no one evermade me feel that cool.
I’ll never forget the way she looked in those silkyshorts that day.

But why’d she have to be my gym teacher? …
Why’d she have to be fifty-one years old? …
Why’d she have to be my gym teacher?
I said I wanted to play flag football with her forever
But she told me I should see the school psychologist….
Oh Summer Love!

In 1981, I fell for Princess Di.
In ’82, it was a lady rabbi.
In ’83, it was the drummer from Air Supply.
HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME – HE TOLD ME ALIE!!!!!!!!!!!!
[spoken, deep voice] Summer Love!

[high-pitched crooning]Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

[Brief cut to the audience where Pedro’s partnerCaptain Jim sits and, with two thumbs up, sings to thecamera:]

Captain Jim: [sings, deep voice] SummerLove! …

[Back to Sandler at the WU desk:]

Adam Sandler: [sings]Summer of ’94 is comin’ fast and I don’t want to spendit alone.
I’ve made some mistakes when I was young, but I’mgonna put them behind me and pick up the phone.
And call the woman who I should have been goin’ outwith all along.

I’m gonna go out with my mother. …
I know what I said before but I think I can talk herinto it now. …
I’m gonna go out with my mother!
I’ll take her on a date to Burger King and this timeI’ll pay. …
Oh, Summer Love!!!!

[song ends, spoken] Have a good summer,everybody!

[Huge cheers and applause. Sandler waves.]

Kevin Nealon: Adam Sandler, ladies andgentlemen.

Adam Sandler: Thank you.

Kevin Nealon: Good stuff, good stuff.

Adam Sandler: Thank you.

[Sandler rolls off, the crowd stillapplauding.]

Kevin Nealon: [after the crowd quiets] Hismother is pretty hot. …

On the reproductive front, researchers say the numberone cause of pregnancy is sex. … Interesting,interesting. The number two cause is sex ten minuteslater. …

According to a study by the National Academy ofSciences, queen bees are born with the ability to giveaccurate directions. However, male worker bees refuseto ask for them. … [loud cheers from a few womenplus some applause]

[Photo of people holding large cardboard boxes thatenclose their heads] The country’s first singles barfor really ugly people opened this week. …

And, finally, the state of Minnesota has banned thenew beer called “Crazy Horse Malt Liquor” because itsname offends native Americans. The Brooklyn-basedbusiness says this will have no impact on their newline of flavored Manishevitz called “Jew Brew.”…

I’m Kevin Nealon. Have a good summer. That’s news tome.

[Music. Cheers. Applause. Pull back. Fadeout.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

“Real Stories of the Arkansas Highway Patrol”


93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

“Real Stories of the Arkansas Highway Patrol”

Terry Gamble…..John Goodman
State Trooper Glenn McRae…..Michael McKean
Gov. Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Dispatcher’s Voice…..Ellen Cleghorne
State Trooper Warren Christopher…..Rob Schneider
Officer #1…..Kevin Nealon
Officer #2…..Jay Mohr
Hillary Clinton…..Jan Hooks


Announcer: Tonight, ride with the state troopers of Arkansas on.. “Real Stories of the Arkansas Highway Patrol”.

[ dissolve to Terry Gamble standing in the center of police precinct ]

Terry Gamble: Welcome to “Real Stories of the Arkansas Highway Patrol”. I’m Terry Gamble. As always, the events you see tonight are as they actually happened, videotaped in the field. In our first segment, we follow Arkansas State Trooper Glenn MacRae, as he pulls over a 1988 Mustang. At the wheel – a 25-year old co-ed from the University of Arkansas, with an okay face but a killer body.

[ dissolve to the scene ]

State Trooper Glenn McRae: Good evening, ma’am!

Female Motorist: Hello, Officer.

State Trooper Glenn McRae: May I see your license and registraton, please? [ Woman hands over the items; McRae looks at them with much disappointment ] Do you have a picture of yourself wearing a swimsuit or an exerise leotard?

Female Motorist: No.. I don’t think so..

State Trooper Glenn McRae: Step out of the car, please! [ Woman steps out of her car ] Ma’am, I’m gonna ask you to walk up and down alongside the vehicle several times. Please, right now. [ Woman walks up and down alongside her car ] Alright, that’s fine. Please arch your back! [ Woman arches her back stiffly ] That’s better. [ holds up pencil ‘Alright, ma’am, I’m gonna drop this pencil on the ground. Facing away from the patrol car behind us, I would like you to, uh.. bend over at the waist and pick it up. Do you understand?

Female Motorist: Yes.

[ Woman bends over to pick up pencil; McRae turns to face his patrol car, as the camera zooms in to finally receive Governor Clinton sitting in the back seat, thumbs up, with a huge, mischievious grin on his face ]

State Trooper Glenn McRae: Alright, ma’am, everything seems to check out fine. Would you be interested in going back to the patrol car, and performing a sex act on the governor?

Female Motorist: Uh.. sure! I guess so!

[ dissolve to still photo of State Trooper Glenn McRae, with SUPER over photo ]

Announcer: Trooper Glenn MacRae was awarded a Citation for Valour, from the Governor of Arkansas himself. To this day, no other state trooper has received so high an honor.

[ dissolve back to Terry Gamble at the police precinct ]

Terry Gamble: Every trooper who’s served on the Arkansas Highway Patrol dreads that certain phone, usually coming late at night. It’s probably the hardest and most gut-wrenching part of his job. In our final segment, a state trooper gets that call.

[ dissolve to the scene, state trooper in his patrol car ]

Dispatcher’s Voice: I’ve got Mrs. Clinton on the line. I’m gonna patch you through.

[ phone rings ]

State Trooper Warren Christopher: [ picks up ] Hello..? Yes, ma’am..! He’s not at the mansion? [ Clinton’s worried head rises away from the sexual act he’s performing in the back seat ] You’re sure..? Well, then, I’ll bet you anything he’s working late.. at the office.. Well, you know, those phones are so screwed up there.. You’ll call, and it’ll ring, and ring, and you’ll think there’s nobody there.. when, in fact, they are there.. working..! Because they-they can’t hear the-the phone.. ringing.. Yeah, but they, uh.. they can’t hear it.. ringing. Can you excuse me for one second..? [ whispering to the governor ] She’s not buying it! [ Clinton shrugs ] Anyway.. I’m sure that’s where he is.. at the office.. Oh, you’re at the office? [ pulls out his gun and fires it to feign injury ] Ow! Ow, I’ve been shot! Mrs. Clinton, I’ve been shot! Ow!

[ Clinton gives state trooper the thumbs-up for a job well done ] [ dissolve to still photo of State Trooper Warren Christopher, with SUPER over photo ]

Announcer: Trooper Warren Christopher left the Highway Patrol in 1993. He is now Secretary of State.

[ dissolve back to Terry Gamble at the police precinct ]

Announcer: That’s all for tonight’s edition of “Real Stories Of The Arkansas Highway Patrol”. Let’s see what’s coming up later tonight, on “COPS”.

[ dissolve to “COPS” title card ]

Announcer: Tonight: “COPS” takes you to the streets of Little Rock, Arkansas.

[ dissolve to Officer #1 driving patrol car ]

Officer #1: 10-4. Right now, we got a domestic disturbance call. This is about the third call we’ve had this month at the same address. We gotta check ’em all out.

[ two officers approach the back door of Governor’s Mansion ]

Officer #1: [ knocks on door ] Governor Clinton? We got some complaints about a domestic disturbance?

Bill Clinton: There’s nothing wrong! Beat it!

Officer #1: You can open up the door now or not, sir, but we’re coming in.

[ door is opened ]

Officer #1: [ sighs ] Alright, sir, you wanna tell us what happened here?

Bill Clinton: Nothing.

Officer #1: Nothing! It doesn’t look like nothing to me! She beat you up pretty good, didn’t she?

Bill Clinton: No one beat me up.

Officer #1: No one beat you up, huh? Hmm. Then, what happened, then?

Bill Clinton: [ hesitant ] Fell down.

Officer #1: You fell down? Well, that’s not what it sounded like to the neighbors. They said they heard quite a brawl going on oer here!

Bill Clinton: I don’t know.

Officer #1: You don’t know? You don’t know. Where’s your wife, sir?

Bill Clinton: I don’t know.

Officer #1: You don’t know much, do you, sir?

Bill Clinton: I don’t know..

[ Second Officer puts his ear against closet door ]

Officer #2: Bobby, it sounds like there’s somebody in here..

Bill Clinton: [ defensive ] Nobody’s in there! That’s just a closet!

Officer #2: [ knocking on closet door ] Mrs. Clinton, could you come out here, please?

[ the sound of a pot hitting the floor ]

Officer #2: Mrs. Clinton, we know you’re in there!

[ the closet door slowly opens, as a mussed Hillary Clinton teeters out, clutching a bottle of whiskey ]

Officer #1: Well, ma’am! you did quite a number on him, didn’t you?

Hillary Clinton: I guess so.

Officer #1: You guess so? Huh! I guess so, too! You been drinking tonight, ma’am?

Hillary Clinton: A l’il bit.

Officer #1: Now, ma’am, when’s this gonna stop? [ Hillary looks away ] Look at me! Look at me when I’m talking to you, don’t look away! When’s this gonna stop?

Hillary Clinton: I don’t know.

Officer #1: You don’t know? Well, I’ll tell you something – this is the fifth or sixth time we’ve come down here this month, and we’re getting a ltitle tired of it. [ turns to Bill ] Do you wanna press charges for assault?

Bill Clinton: Nah, that’s okay..

Officer #1: Well, I can tell you, sir, you know.. unless you press charges, we can’t do nothing about it. Now.. she’s gonna keep on doing this. And, one of these days, sir, she’s gonna kill you.

Bill Clinton: [ smirks ] But.. she loves me.

Officer #1: Well, she sure do got a funny way of showing it!

Bill Clinton: I guess.

Officer #1: You guess.

[ dissolve back to Officer #1 driving patrol car ]

Boy, I tell ya – doing this job, you see things like that that just.. break your heart. That is so pitiful. That is just sad. Well.. there’s nothing we can do, I guess.

[ dissolve to “COPS” title card ]

Announcer: Tonight. On “COPS”.

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon


93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
…..David Spade


Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon.

Well, Nelson Mandela was elected President of South Africa this week. Mr. Mandela broke a long-stading political pattern: he went to jail before becoming a politician.

[ show picture of Paula Jones ]And, in Washington this week, President Clinton desperately tried to get Whitewater back in the news.

After a medical examination following his caning, it was first thought that Michael Fay received an “extra” lash. But it just turned out to be his crack.

The U.S. House of Representatives narrowly passed a ban on assault weapons Thursday, after strong enough opposition was expressed by the National Rifle Association, as well as the United States Postal Workers Union.

And, in Europe, the 31-mile Chunnel opened up this week under the English Channel, connecting England and France. The tunnel houses a high-speed passenger train that experts estimate will allow some 7 million French people a year to get even farther away from EuroDisney.

For the grand opening, Queen Elizabeth and French President Mitterand got together and inaugurated the new Eurostar train. And, here in New York, a queen named Frenchie got drunk and urinated on the D Train.

Princess Diana threatened lawsuits this week against any British publication that prints topless photos of her taken on vacation in Spain last week. If published, it would be the first time in two years Prince Charles had seen her naked.

Kevin Nealon: And now, with a commentary, our new Music Correspondent David Spade. David?

David Spade: Aw, thank you! Thanks. People, there’s an epidemic going around the music industry that needs to be stopped. No, I’m not talking about chlamydia. But, good guess. No, I’m talking about spending hard-earned money to go see your favorite band in concert, and they have the nerve to not sing their biggest hits. It happens more often than you’d think, and I feel I must speak up.

For instance, six months ago I went to see Bob Segar. Now, after two-and-a-half hours, Mr. Segar walked off the stage without singing “Night Moves”. That was pure balls, ladies and gentlemen. It made me want to throw, like, a rock at, like, his head.

But it gets worse. I saw Men Without Hats. No “Safety Dance”. Pure balls. 100% nuts.

Even Barney doesn’t sing “I Love You, You Love Me” live. True story: I was in the mosh pit thinking, “Hmm.. if that’s not pure nads, I don’t know what is.”

On second thought, I do know what it is! When I was 22, I saw Big Country in concert, and, guess what? They didn’t even sing “Big Country”! Why else are you on the planet? It’s the name of your band, hard to forget! Huh? Yeah! What? Uh-huh!

Sometimes these old rockers – like The Stones or Rod Stewart – will throw you a medley crumb. I get five bars of “Brown Sugar” and “Tumblin’ Dice”, to make room for every song off the new album. By the way, when you’re at a show and the band says, “Here’s something from our new album, why don’t they just say, “Everyone, get up and go to the bathroom.”

And, any band that still includes a bass solo in their show – pure balls.

And, while we’re on the subject of testicles, remember when John Oates left Hall & Oates? This was the same kind of thinking that had Fisher Stevens break up with Michelle Pfeiffer so he could get prettier girls. By the way, I went to see Oates in concert. He opened up for the three-headed lobster boy at the circus. It was a good show. He did a “Maneater/Kiss On Your List” medley together, it wasn’t bad.

So, in closing, Kevin, in closing, I’m going to see Laura Branigan tomorrow night at Madison Square Garden, and, uh.. I have some advice for her: open and close with “Gloria”. Do it a couple times in between, alright? Thank you very much!

Kevin Nealon: David Spade, ladies and gentlemen.

Some disappointing news: a recent study reveals that eating a medium-sized bag of theater popcorn is equivalent to eating six Big Macs. A medium-sized bag of popcorn with butter flavoring is equivalent to eating eight Big Macs. A medium-sized bag of popcorm topped with butter and six Big Macs, is like eating fourteeen Big Macs.

New medical studies report that skin cancer cases have doubled in the past twnety years. They cite excessive suntanning as the main cause, and say the best way to cut harmful ultraviolet rays is with a thick cloud of cigarette smoke.

In other medical news, for the first time in North America, testing will begin on the RU-486 morning-after pill for women. If successful, testing will begin on the RU-487 pill for men. The pill prevents the man from waking up the next morning, running out the door saying, “I’ll call you. Really!”

Well, this Sunday night’s “60 Minutes” will mark the 500th commentary by Andy Rooney. Rooney will celebrate by complaining about clips from the previous 499 shows.

May 27th will mark the final broadcast of “The Arsenio Hall Show”. Hall will devote his full time to other interests – including movies, recording, and getting some stanky on his hang-down.

The Kentucky Derby was run earlier today, and the winner was Go For Gin, at 9 to 1. The long shot Quinella, paid $20,000 for a $2 bet, and the only ticket holder was Hillary Clinton.

Well, the Rolling Stones announced a new tour this week. Fans will be able to recognize their tour bus as the one doing 40 in the fast lane with its blinker on.

In an annual poll of radio stations, Paul McCartney’s “Yesterday” is still the most played radio song of all time. Over 6 milion times since 1965. And, amazingly enough, the #2 song is “Play That Funky Music, White Boy”.

In our final story, in observance of Mother’s Day, for the second year in a row, an NCI survey has named Kathie Lee Gifford the Nation’s Best Mother. But, after 23 years, the Baddest Mother is still Shaft. Happy Mother’s Day, Shaft!

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Heather Locklear: 05/14/94


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

May 14th, 1994

Heather Locklear

Janet Jackson

Jay Leno

Janet Jackson, “Any Time, Any Place”

  • Coffee Talk

    Recurring Characters: Linda Richman.

  • Heather Locklear’s Monologue

    Recurring Characters: Canteen Boy.

  • Eych!

    The hairball remover cats ask for by name.

  • Melrose Place

    Wayne (Mike Myers) fantasizes he’s slept with Amanda (Locklear) in Melrose Place.

    Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell.

  • Hot Button

    Recurring Characters: Clarence Thomas, Ted Kennedy.

  • Janet Jackson performs “Throb”

  • Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

    Homophobic Norm MacDonald thinks Kevin Nealon is making a pass at him.

    Adam Sandler sings about his forbidden summer loves.

    Recurring Characters: Captain Jim.

  • The Flirt

    Man (Kevin Nealon) and woman (Locklear) one-up each other with silent flirts.

  • Andy Rooney

    Andy Rooney (Norm MacDonald) shows off envelopes sent in by viewers.

  • Amazing Time Savers

    Aamzing pasta maker is distracted by host’s (Locklear) racist remarks.

  • L’Homme d’Orgasme

    Orgasm Guy’s (Rob Schneider) French cousin is just like him.

    Recurring Characters: Orgasm Guy.

  • Janet Jackson performs “Any Time, Any Place”

  • So Long, Farewell

    SNL’s recurring characters sing goodbye for the summer.

    Recurring Characters: Lucy, Kristy, Tori Spelling, Ike Turner, Linda Richman, Zoraida, Richmeister, Pat, Matt Foley.

  • Goodnights

    SNL Transcripts