Melrose Place


93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

Melrose Place

Wayne Campbell…..Mike Myers
Amanda…..Heather Locklear
Jake…..Chris Farley
Jo…..Julia Sweeney
Billy…..Adam Sandler
Allison…..Melanie Hutsell
Jane…..David Spade
Matt…..Jay Mohr
Sydney…..Sarah Silverman
Michael…..Rob Schneider


[open on suburban home with title: “Aurora, Illinois”] [fade to interior, with Wayne Campbell watching television on couch] [“Melrose Place” theme song plays]

Wayne: All right, okay, man, “Melrose Place.” Bonus, man. I am totally, totally addicted to this show. It’s a babe-fest, man. Heather Lockler [growls], she’s the leader of the Bod Squad, man. Oh, Amanda, sweet Amanda. [yawns] She’s the woman of my dreams. [lies down on couch] Of my dreams. Of my…diddly-dum, diddly-dum, diddly-dum…[waves his fingers in front of his face to indicate the start of a dream sequence] [distorted dissolve to Wayne yelling as he falls against a hypno-swirl with changing colors] [distorted dissolve to Wayne waking up in a bed, still waving his fingers in front of his face]

Wayne: Diddly-dum, diddly-dum, diddly-dum. Oh, where am I? What the… [shot widens and he sees a blond head next to him] Oh, thank God, Garth. Garth! Wake up, come on man, it’s me, Wayne, wake up, come on Garth.

Amanda: [pulls covers off her head] Good morning, Wayne.

Wayne: [makes cartoonish sound of surprise] Schwing! [raises pelvis off bed] I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy! [makes fawning arm gesture]

Amanda: Cut the crap, tiger. Last night was okay, but don’t let it get to your head, Wayne. I’m an important advertising executive with an agency to run. And I have to get to work. [gets out of bed to reveal that she is already dressed in a mustard colored business suit] You better go before my boyfriend, Jake, finds you. [opens door]

Wayne: Jake? Jake? [walks out of door and into “Melrose Place” courtyard] I’m in “Melrose Place!” Cool, all right. The number one show for young adults, ages eighteen to thirty four. A tough little demographic to crack. Excellent, excellent, all right.

Jake: [coming down stairs] What are you doing in Amanda’s apartment?

Wayne: Hi Jake. Jake, I’m, ah, I’m the new handyman.

Jake: What do you mean?

Wayne: You know, I’m unclogging her pipes.

Jake: What are you getting at?

Wayne: I’ve been having sexual intercourse with Amanda, repeatedly in different positions for many, many hours.

Jake: What are you trying to say?

Wayne: That you’re a complete idiot.

Jake: Look, Amanda would never sleep with anyone except me.

Wayne: Sha, right. Okay. Hey, Chet, I watch the show all the time, you know, I mean, here’s a quarter, buy a clue. [flips a quarter to Jake, which Jake catches] All right, here you go. Yeah right.

[Jake exits stage right]

Amanda: [comes through door, now wearing a grey business suit] So, Wayne, I see you’ve met Jake. Oh, damn, I forgot my car keys. I’ll be right back. [goes back into apartment]

Wayne: Okay, hurry up though, eh? Wow, what a nice place. I wonder how much they pay in rent and stuff. Hey! [approaches Jo in the courtyard] It’s Jo, the hardened New York photographer who has seen it all.

Jo: Wayne, you’re new around here, so I’ll save you some heartache. I’m from New York, so I know how tough life can be. Amanda’s no good. She’s a mean, conniving bitch who will chew you up and spit you out. Stay away from her, Wayne.

Wayne: Okay, well, let me just say that I hear what you’re saying and I appreciate your concern, all right? Your thoughts are very well organized, presented clearly and concisely. But bear with me. Are you mental? It’s Heather Locklear! She’d give a dog a bone! Hello?

Jo: This would never happen in New York. [exits stage right] [shot widens to show Billy and Allison sitting at a table]

Wayne: Oh! All right. Look who it is, man. It’s Billy and Allison, America’s most uninteresting couple.

Billy: Allison, I love you. When you’re not here, I miss you.

Allison: Billy, I love you. But I’m in advertising, and I have to go to work to the advertising agency. [stands and exits stage right]

Billy: Allison, come back. I miss you.

Wayne: Hold on, hold on. [sits down next to Billy] [fake sneezes] Ah-ah-ah-whipped! Ah-ah-ah-no-balls! Sorry, man, I seem to be allergic to emasculation. Oh, and by the way, Billy, close your mouth. You’re catching flies there, chief. [puts his hand under Billy’s chin and closes his mouth for him]

Billy: I better go after Allison. I miss her. [stands and exits stage right]

Wayne: All right. All right. Okay.

[Amanda comes through door, now wearing a canary yellow business suit]

Wayne: Hey, um, did you just change outfits?

Amanda: Huh?

Wayne: Nothing.

Amanda: Listen, you bastard. I have a very important meeting down at D&D. But maybe we can get away this weekend. Oh, damn! I forgot my portfolio that contains advertising documents. Which I need, because I’m a very important advertising executive. [goes back into apartment]

Wayne: Okay. Hurry back, all right? [hears somebody crying and follows the sound to find Jane sitting in a lounge chair, weeping into a magazine] What’s wrong, Jane?

Jane: I have the worst part on the show.

Wayne: Well, yeah. Next to Matt, the token gay guy.

Matt: [enters stage left] That’s me! Gotta go. [exits stage right]

Wayne: Okay. [waves]

Sydney: [enters stage left] Oh, boo-hoo, Jane, poor baby.

Michael: [enters stage right] Shut up, Sydney! Hey lighten up, Janie.

Wayne: Hey, it’s Michael, the no-good doctor, and Sydney, the psycho hose-beast. She may be a babe, but it’s major vagina dentata action. And I’m not talking about The Police’s unreleased fourth album.

Jane: Stay away from her, Wayne.

Sydney: Shut up. You’re my sister, not my mother. [attacks Jane]

Wayne: All right, catfight. Go at it, man! Excellent! Saucer of milk, table two. Ding-ding-ding! Rawr! All right, tear each other’s clothes off! Come on, tear it off! [to Michael] So, let me get this straight, man. You’re, like, this doctor, right? Who is married to this blonde, who had an affair with a redhead–the blonde’s sister–plus it was Hump Olympics with some chick down at the hospital?

Michael: That’s right, Wayne.

Wayne: Good work, my friend. This is cool.

[Amanda comes through door, now wearing a salmon business suit]

Wayne: Hey, Amanda, weren’t you just wearing a different color?

Amanda: Huh?

Wayne: Nothing.

Amanda: Listen, Wayne, I’m getting a little fed up with you, you bastard. You can’t just come waltzing into “Melrose Place” and take over my life, you bastard. I am an executive. An advertising executive. I have a job. A very important job. An advertising job, you bastard.

Wayne: Okay, but let me just say–

Amanda: Shut up, Wayne! [throws Wayne down on the table and kisses him]

Wayne: Excellent. All right. Okay.

Amanda: [waves her fingers in front of Wayne’s face] Diddly-dum, diddly-dum, diddly-dum.

Wayne: What? No, no-no! No diddly-dum! Amanda, I want to stay in “Melrose Place!” Come on, I’m not ready to go! Come on, no diddly-dum!

[dissolve to Wayne waking up on the couch]

Wayne: [waving his fingers in front of his face] Diddly-dum, diddly-dum… I guess it was all a dream. [peeks under his blanket] Or was it? [flings off the blanket to reveal that he is wearing the salmon business suit] Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! [fade to black]

Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Heather Locklear’s Monologue


Heather Locklear’s Monologue

…..Heather Locklear
…..Phil Hartman
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Melanie Hutsell
…..Jay Leno
…..Chris Farley
Canteen Boy…..Adam Sandler


Heather Locklear: Well, this is an honor to be hosting the last show of the season, and it’s great to be here, away from the fairy tale world of “Melrose Place.”

[ Phil Hartman appears in the shadows offstage ]

Phil Hartman: Heather.

Heather Locklear: [ deterred ] What is it, Phil?

Phil Hartman: May I talk to you for a moment.

Heather Locklear: Sure! [ to the audience ] Excuse me a second. [ steps offstage ] This better be good, Phil!

Phil Hartman: Heather, I missed you last night. I thought you were coming over?

Heather Locklear: Well, you thought wrong.

Phil Hartman: [ outraged ] You were with Nealon, weren’t you!

Heather Locklear: [ annoyed ] How dare you! And what if I was? It’s none of your business! Excuse me! [ walks away ] [ Kevin Nealon appears in the shadows on the other side of the stage ]

Kevin Nealon: Heather. Over here.

Heather Locklear: [ hugs Kevin ] Kevin, thank God!

Kevin Nealon: What’s wrong?

Heather Locklear: Just hold me, please hold me! [ curls up in Kevin’s arms ] It’s Phil. He knows everything about us!

Kevin Nealon: [ alarmed ] How?!

Heather Locklear: You tell me.

Kevin Nealon: [ sighs ] I’m gonna kill him! Right after “Update”, I’m gonna kill him!

Heather Locklear: Oh, just be careful.

Kevin Nealon: Oh, I will. [ walks away ] [ Melanie Hutsell enters ]

Melanie Hutsell: Heather! Come here! Oh, I’m so glad I saw you!

Heather Locklear: Oh, well! Melanie, you were just terrific on rehearsals today!

Melanie Hutsell: [ touched ] Really? Oh, that means a lot to me!

Heather Locklear: [ laughs, then slaps Melanie’s face ] Don’t let it happen again!

Melanie Hutsell: [ surprised ] What!

Heather Locklear: You heard me! This is my show, just stay out of my way!

Melanie Hutsell: But, Heather, I thought that we were –

Heather Locklear: Don’t cross me, Melanie! Because when I’m done with you, all you’ll be left with is that proverbial wish – that you’d never been born! [ storms away ]

Melanie Hutsell: Oh, I hate her! I hate her! I HATE HER!! And, you know? Somebody needs to take care of that bitch!

[ Heather enters a backstage area, where she is stopped by Jay Leno ]

Jay Leno: Heather!

Heather Locklear: [ disgusted ] Not here, you idiot! How dare you! I thought I told you never to talk to me in public! Someone could have seen us!

Jay Leno: I’m sorry, but I thought you might want to see.. [ whips out manila envelope ] ..these!

Heather Locklear: Well, I don’t get it. What are these?

Jay Leno: Funny headlines! From newspapers from all over the country!

Heather Locklear: [ opens up envelope and laughs ] This is great! [ reads ] “Dead Man Drives Car”? I don’t believe that!

Jay Leno: It’s real, I swear! This are real, actual headlines!

Heather Locklear: If you are lying about this, Jay, I will destroy you and “The Tonight Show”! [ throws envelope at Jay and storms away ]

Jay Leno: [ shaken ] Fair enough..

[ Heather continues to walk backstage, where she runs into Chris Farley ]

Heather Locklear: Hello, Chris! Oh, you’re a sight for sore eyes, lover!

Chris Farley: [ turns around dramatically ] I told you! I have nothing left to say to you!

Heather Locklear: Look, Chris. I know we’ve had our troubles –

Chris Farley: Your trouble, Heather! And I don’t want anything to do with you!

Heather Locklear: Chris.. I don’t know exactly how to tell you this, but.. I’m pregnant.

Chris Farley: Is it even mine?

Heather Locklear: I saw the ultrasound, Chris. Trust me – it’s yours.

Chris Farley: Well, Heather, I don’t care any more!

Heather Locklear: Come back here! Don’t you turn your back on me! Don’t you dare turn your back on me!

Chris Farley: Shut.. up.. Heather! And go do your monologue! [ exits ]

Heather Locklear: Oh, I’ll do the monologue, Chris! And then I’ll finish you, and Leno, and all the rest of them! [ walks forward and pauses in front of Canteen Boy ] Isn’t that right, Canteen Boy?

Canteen Boy: [ meekly ] Uh.. yeah, Heather.. whatever floats your boat..

Heather Locklear: [ kisses Canteen boy on the lips, then exits ] [ Melanie and Phil step forward again ]

Melanie Hutsell: Gosh, she’s really sad!

Phil Hartman: Yeah.. it’s a sickness!

Canteen Boy: I think you’re sick.

Phil Hartman: What?!

Canteen Boy: Nothing.

[ cut back to Heather on Home Base ]

Heather Locklear: Sorry about that! It took a little longer than I thought. Anyway, I have had a fantastic week, everyone here has been so terrific, it’s been great destroying them! Anyway, we’ve got a great show. Janet Jackson is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Andy Rooney


93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

Andy Rooney

Ed Bradley … Tim Meadows
Andy Rooney … Norm MacDonald


[Bumper for CBS’ TV newsmagazine “60 Minutes”: aticking stopwatch. Dissolve to correspondent EdBradley addressing the camera.]

Ed Bradley: As the old refrain goes, “Peoplewho need people are the luckiest people in the world.”And then – there’s Andy Rooney.

[Dissolve to elderly, graying weekly commentator AndyRooney who sits at the desk in his office, with hisjacket off and shirtsleeves rolled-up, addressing thecamera in his irritatingly snide, cadencedvoice.]

Andy Rooney: People are everywhere nowadays. Itseems like you can’t go anywhere without bumping intosome people. People follow you when you’re shopping.They ask you for directions. And, sometimes, they askyou what time it is. People never know what time itis. They have to ask you.

There are over four billion people in the world.That’s a lot of people. And I suppose most people likeeach other all right. But I don’t. Idon’t like people and I never have. Iguess that makes me bad.

Advertisers are always using people to help sell theirproducts. [holds a box of Kellogg’s Corn Flakescereal] Here’s something called corn flakes. It’s gota picture of some people on the box. I guess we’resupposed to think, “Well, these people likecorn flakes. I guess I will, too.” [sets box aside]But I don’t think that. I don’t like people. And Idon’t like pictures of people either.

There’s even a magazine now about people. [holds up acopy of People Magazine with a photo of ClintEastwood on the cover] It’s called “PeopleMagazine.” This issue has a picture of somefellow’s head on the cover. I’ll bet that’s a goodarticle. [sets magazine aside]

Here’s a box of letters from different people. [dumpsa large box of envelopes on the desktop] Seems there’snothing people enjoy more than writing me letters.[picks envelopes from the pile and holds them up tothe camera, one at a time] Here’s one from -Washington. This one’s from – Ohio. Here’s one from -North Dakota.

Here’s one from – Paris, Texas. Now, I don’t knowwhere Paris, Texas is – but I do knowthis — I’m getting pretty tired of cities inTexas naming themselves after cities in France.

Here’s one from Chicago. This one’s from Iowa. Here’sone from Iowa, too. Here’s one from Montana. Thisone’s from someplace called “Kansas City.” Here’s onefrom Montana. Here’s one from Arizona. This one’s fromLas Vegas. Here’s one from Virginia – and here’sanother one – from West Virginia. This one’sfrom Indiana. I don’t know where this one’sfrom – but it’s yellow and has a big stamp on it. Thisone’s from Colorado. Here’s one from Michigan.

I receive about one hundred of these letters everysingle day. I never open them. I don’t likeopening them. I set fire to them.

Then, I pour water on the box of burning letters toput it out the fire. Then, I take the whole mess and Idump it out of my window on the people below. Peopledon’t like that much. But I like doing it to them. Isuppose that makes me bad.

[Dissolve back to Ed Bradley, addressing thecamera.]

Ed Bradley: We’ll be back next week withanother edition of “60 Minutes.”

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Amazing Time Savers


Amazing Time Savers

Janet Miles…..Heather Locklear
Richard Hayden…..Mike Myers
Caller #1…..Julia Sweeney
Caller #2…..
Caller #3…..Rob Schneider
Caller #4…..Adam Sandler


[ open on the set of the “Amazing Time Savers” infomercial, telephone operators and a bulb-packed map of the United States behind Janet and the product counter ]

Janet Miles: Hello, and welcome to “Amazing Time Savers”, your home shopping connection. I’m Janet Miles. As always, operators are standing by to take your calls. And you will certainly want to call my guest on today’s show. He brings with him an extraordinary, time-saving invention. But I’m gonna let him tell you all about it. Please welcome, Richard Hayden!

[ Richard comes out laughing excitedly, and stands beside his product ]

Richard Hayden: Thanks, Janet! Thanks for having me on this show. Now, Janet, do you like pasta?

Janet Miles: [ addressing her audience more than Richard ] I love pasta! But the problem is, I never have the time to make it.

Richard Hayden: Really? If I told you that you could have a good-tasting pasta meal, prepared in less than five minutes.. what would you say?

Janet Miles: I’d say you’re a few bricks shy of a load!

[ Janet and Richard laugh at her joke ]

Richard Hayden: Well, Janet, I’m not! [ laughs ] And you know what? I’m going to demonstrate my pasta-maker for you and your audience. Do you think your audience would like that?

[ the audience claps ]

Janet Miles: This I have to see! Now, this is a complicated process. Right, Richard?

Richard Hayden: No. My pasta-maker is easy to operate, because the directions are easy to follow.

Janet Miles: Well, we’ve heard that before: you buy an appliance with easy-to-follow directions, and you get it home, and you need a Ph.D to figure it out. Usually, this “easy direction” stuff is a big lie.. like the Holocaust! [ the phones ring wild, and the bulbs light up on the map ] Now, are your directions really easy to follow? Or is it just another Holocaust-type scam?

Richard Hayden: [ dumbfounded by Janet’s statements ] Uh.. they’re, uh.. they’re, uh.. easy to follow.. they, uh.. involve, uh.. three easy steps..

Janet Miles: Well, does the audience want to see these three easy steps to good-tasting pasta?

[ the audience relunctantly claps ]

Richard Hayden: O..kay.. Well, you just pour in the flour.. [ pours in the flour ] ..the egg and water mix.. [ pours in the egg and water ] ..and that’s it. Hit the button, and look. Here comes the pasta [ pasta starts coming out of the machine ].

Janet Miles: [ excited ] So incredible! And so fast! Well, let’s take some phone calls! I’m sure people want to find out more about this amazing machine! Caller, you’re on “Timesavers”!

Caller #1: [ shaken ] Are you insane?! Did you just say that the Holocaust was a lie?!

Janet Miles: Listen.. there is no way of ever knowing if the Holocaust actually happened. But we do know this is an amazing pasta-maker. Next caller. You’re on “Timesaver”!

Caller #2: This is unbelieveable..

Janet Miles: Isn’t it! That pasta came out in less that three minutes!

Caller #2: No! I mean, how when I first tuned in to the show, I told my husband how I thought you had crazy eyes.. then, like, a minute later, you said that thing about the Holocaust.. I was right. You are completely insane!

Janet Miles: [ chipper ] And so are you, if you don’t order this amazing pasta-maker! Thanks for your call! [ turning to Richard ] Well, Richard, this pasta-maker is truly amazing! And it’s made here in America, isn’t it?

Richard Hayden: Yes.. It’s.. it’s an American appliance that makes Italian food.

Janet Miles: [ amazed ] That’s great! Because, if you’re like me, you’re tired of buying from the Jap! [ more phones ring ] Everywhere you turn, it’s a Jap product. They’re taking over! At least with Pearl Harbor, we knew we were getting attacked.. but with this invasion of Nip products, it’s even sneakier, you know?

Richard Hayden: wanting badly to sneak out of the studio ] Uh.. yeah.. Well, it’s made here in the U.S.A., Janet.. And do you know what’s the best part? The price!

Janet Miles: Okay, here comes the catch.. this has to cost a lot of money. Your invention makes good-tasting pasta in under four minutes. It’s durable and so simple to use, even a Puerto Rican can figure it out! [ all the phones start ringing at once ] And it makes enough for a family of six. Now, this must cost at least $200. Am I right?

Richard Hayden: [ totally embarrassed ] Yeah.. uh.. I mean no. It’s much less.. it’s $39.95.. [ waving his hands in protest ] But I just want to say..

Janet Miles: I know. Let’s take some more calls and sell some pasta-makers! Caller, you’re on “Time Savers”!

Caller #3: [ speaks in Spanish ]

Janet Miles: Who, whoa, whoa! Pepe! Pepe! Slow down! We’ll have to find a Spanish-speaking operator to take your order. Next caller, you’re on “Timesavers”!

Caller #4: [ outraged ] Listen to me, you crazy bitch! I’m gonna find out where you live, and you will pay!!

Janet Miles: Me pay? Why don’t you pay, for one of these pasta-makers? [ addressing her audience ] You simply cannot go wrong at $39.95. Call now, because you couldn’t buy it cheaper off a drunken Indian! [ the phones go crazy, and Richard ducks for safety below the counter ] The orders are pouring in, and we’ll see you, next time on “Amazing Time Savers”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

So Long, Farewell


93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

So Long, Farewell

…..Phil Hartman
Kristy…..David Spade
Lucy…..Adam Sandler
Tori Spelling…..Melanie Hutsell
Ike Turner…..Tim Meadows
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Jay Mohr
…..Sarah Silverman
…..Norm MacDonald
Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Zoraida…..Ellen Cleghorne
Richmeister…..Rob Schneider
Pat…..Julia Sweeney
…..Michael McKean
Matt Foley…..Chris Farley


[ open on Phil Hartman stading alone on a darkened Home Base ]

Phil Hartman: Ladies and gentlemen, as we close out our 19th season, let’s say goodbye to the “Saturday Night Live” family singers.

[ the remaining cast members and featured players enter Home Base, each dressed as one of their prominent recurring characters – except for Kevin Nealon, Jay Mohr, Sarah Silverman and Norm MacDonald, who appear as themselves ] [ singing ]

All:
“So long, farewell!
Auf wiedersehen, goodnight!”

Lucy & Kristy:
“We sell you jeans
Like, even if they’re too tight!”

[ Lucy and Kristy lock hands and dance away from Home Base giggling ]

All:
“So long, farewell!
We must be stealing.”

Tori Spelling: Watch “90210”.

Ike Turner: “I’m sorry, Kevin Nealon.”

[ Ike and Tori hug Kevin, as they dance away from Home Base ]

All:
“So long, farewell!
We’d like to give you more.”

Jay Mohr, Sarah Silverman, Norm MacDonald:
“We’re not on a lot
So we’d better try and score.”

[ Sarah Silverman hops on Jay Mohr’s back, as they and Norm MacDonald dance away from Home Base ]

All:
“So long, goodbye
It’s time to say farewell.”

Linda Richman:
“I feel verklempt
So talk among yourselves.”

[ Linda Richman dances away from Home Base ]

All:
“So long, farewell!
We have to bid adieu.”

Zoraida:
“What makes you think
That I won’t cut you?”

[ Zoraida flaps hwer skirt and dances away from Home Base ]

All:
“So long, farewell!
To say goodbye is sad.”

Richmeister & Pat:
“We skipped this year
And that’s why it was bad.”

[ Richmeister & Pat dance away from Home Base ]

All:
“So long, farewell!
We’ll wake up bright and early.”

Michael McKean: [ dressed as Lenny ]“I don’t have a character yet
But I was on ‘Laverne & Shirley’.”

[ Michael McKean dances away from Home Base ]

Matt Foley: [ alone at Home Base, tired and beat ]“So long.. farewell!
Hey, what am I, chopped liver?
I need.. to sleep..
In a van.. down by the.. river.”

[ Matt slowly and defeatedly takes his seat on the apron of the stage, half-asleep, as Phil Hartman sits down and wraps his arm around Matt ]

Phil Hartman: [ to audience ] You know.. I can’t imagine a more dignifed way.. to end my eight years on this program.
[ singing ]“Good-bye.. good-bye..
Good-byeeeeeeee!”

[ spotlight centers on Phil and Matt, as camera zooms out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon


93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

… Kevin Nealon
… Norm MacDonald
… Adam Sandler
Captain Jim … Tim Meadows


[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with KevinNealon!

[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheersand applause. Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon.Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin gets comfortable inhis seat as his image continues to rotate on thescreen beside him. Dissolve to a closer view of Kevinat the desk.]

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m KevinNealon.

Convicted serial killer John Wayne Gacy was executedthis week. Afterwards, he and thirty-two other deadclowns were all piled into a tiny little hearse….

Well, yesterday, President Clinton nominated CircuitAppeals Court Judge Stephen Breyer to the U.S. SupremeCourt. Asked about his plans after being passed over,a disappointed Bruce Babbitt said he’ll immediatelystop paying his servants Social Security benefits….

A publicist says exclusive pictures of Michael Fay’scaned buttocks could be worth half a million dollars…. Half a million dollars. Man, this kid is sittingon a gold mine. … Yeah.

In medical news, it’s been reported that a cardiacarrest victim was recently revived with the aid of acommon toilet plunger. So, apparently, Bill Clinton’shealth care plan CAN work. …

In other medical news, scientists have discovered thata man can be frozen in a state of suspended animationfor up to five years without losing his job at thepost office. … [some applause]

Kevin Nealon: Well, Whitewater continues todominate the headlines and is the subject of tonight’sHomophobic Perspective. Here is Update correspondentand homophobic guy, Norm Macdonald. Norm? [cheers andapplause for a clean-cut Norm in a brown suit andtie]

Norm Macdonald: Thank you, Kevin. Thank you.Uh, first of all, let me say I have nothing againsthomosexuals. I think homosexuals are no better orworse than any of the rest of us. I just happen to beafraid of them. It’s no big deal.

Now, I’m here to talk tonight about this so-calledWhitewater scandal. Unless you’ve been living in acave for the past year, I’m sure you’re familiar withevery tedious and confusing detail. Does the mediareally believe that the American people CARE aboutsome land deal that took place over fifteen years–?Hey, Kevin, could you give me a little roomhere?

Kevin Nealon: What?

Norm Macdonald: I’m tryin’ to do thisWhitewater thing, you know, you’re kindaclose.

Kevin Nealon: You’re sitting exactly where allthe Update correspondents sit, Norm.

Norm Macdonald: Oh, is that right, huh? Well,that works out good for you then, doesn’t it? …Wonder who came up with THAT policy, huh? [continues]Anyways, my point is that I think it’s about time themedia began giving the same kind of coverage to issueslike health care that– [suddenly, to Kevin] Did youjust move closer to me?!

Kevin Nealon: What? No. I’m–

Norm Macdonald: It looks like you’recloser!

Kevin Nealon: No, Norm. I’m in precisely thesame place. Now, just get on with youreditorial.

Norm Macdonald: Hey, maybe we should just sharea chair. Is that better for you? We could sit in thesame chair? Maybe that’d be best. Save on chairs! Thatcould be your new policy! … Man. [continues]Anyways, the media, I have always felt, should notshape public sentiment but, rather, reflect it. And Ithink that, in the case of Whitewater, the public issaying loudly and clear– [suddenly, to Kevin] Can Ihelp you?!

Kevin Nealon: What? …

Norm Macdonald: Is there something I can helpyou with?

Kevin Nealon: No. Look, Norm, okay, I’ve hadabout enough of this, all right? So why don’t you justdo me a favor and finish your editorial?Please.

Norm Macdonald: All right, hey, maybe you coulddo me a favor, too. How would that be? Maybe youcould, uh, gaze lovingly into somebody else’s eyes forfive seconds? Would that be all right? … [continues]Anyways, the, uh, media has always served an importantrole in this society and that has been the role ofwatchdog. But who, I ask you, who is watchingthe watchdog? I mean, we – we all know who’s watchin’my crotch, right? It’s … buddy boy over here. [jerksa thumb at Kevin] But, uh … No president has everundergone the intense scrutiny that Bill Clinton has.I wonder how well any of us would fare if our liveswere placed under the magnifying glass– [suddenly, toKevin] I thought you were married orsomething!

Kevin Nealon: I am married! But, look,Norm, I’ve had – I’ve had it. Obviously, you’reimplying something about my sexuality and I – I – I -Why don’t you just come right out and say it?

Norm Macdonald: No, I’m not implyin’ anything.I’m talkin’ about Whitewater. I’m not implyin’anything. Why don’t you just go over some of your fakenews and I’ll finish up here?

Kevin Nealon: No, no, no, I don’t – don’t thinkso, pal. Just say what you have to say to my face. Bea man.

Norm Macdonald: I am a man. I’m a man. Iam a man. I am a man. I’m just sayin’ that, uh… you’re kinda that way, right? I mean, there’snothin’ wrong with it but you’re, you know, youprefer your own gender, that’s all. You –partake of the love that dare not speak itsname, right? … That’s all right. That’s noproblem. I mean, you find the idea of being with awoman abhorrent to your very core. That’s okay.You know, you’re homosexual, right? You’re gay. Imean, you’re – you’re – you’re a gay man,right?

Kevin Nealon: No.

Norm Macdonald: [amused] No? Methinks thou dothprotest too much. …

Kevin Nealon: Look, why don’t you justleave?

Norm Macdonald: Fine with me!

Kevin Nealon: Norm Macdonald,everybody.

[Cheers and applause as Kevin shakes his head sadlyand watches Norm roll off.]

Kevin Nealon: Well, the annular eclipse of thesun is over. You may once again stare directly at thesun. …

New York Governor Mario Cuomo was left speechless at aconference when a businesswoman proclaimed that shewas imagining him naked. The woman then shocked Cuomofurther by filing sexual harassment charges….

[Photo of Hillary Clinton wearing a hat and make-upthat makes her look uncannily like Jack Nicholson inthe film “Batman”] And the Joker is back at it againin Gotham. … [applause] [Logo of the American Automobile Association] Well,the triple-A of New York celebrated its ninety-secondanniversary this week. As a surprise, they called inall their tow truck drivers for a big party. Thedrivers said they’d be there right away, then showedup three hours later. …

Startling new evidence suggests the Girl from Ipanemawas actually short and pale and old and homely….

In other news, according to the FBI, the overall crimerate in the United States dropped by three percentlast year. Experts attribute the drop to an extendedEuropean tour – [photo of smiling rap artist] – byTupac Shakur. …

Spike Lee’s “Crooklyn” opened yesterday. Reviews wereso positive, Lee announced plans for a sequel — “TheCronx.” …

This just in. Fabio has officially entered hisfourteenth minute of fame. … Congratulations, Fabio.[applause] [Kevin glances at side by side photos of “HawaiiFive-O” actor Jack Lord and singer-songwriter JamesTaylor] Lord and Taylor. …

Kevin Nealon: And now, with a song for thesummer, is Weekend Update correspondent Adam Sandler.Adam?

[Big cheers and applause as we pan over to a smilingAdam Sandler in cap, T-shirt and flannel shirt,holding his acoustic guitar.]

Adam Sandler: How ya doin’? Thank you. Allright. Well, uh, thank you. Um, summer, for me growin’up, always meant one thing — fallin’ in love. And,uh, as we all know, love doesn’t always work out. Butwhat keeps us goin’ is the hope that someday it will.Here’s a little song about that.

[plays guitar and croons along wordlessly beforesinging the song in his usual high-pitchedvoice]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Summer of ’68, we’d walk on the beach and watch thesea gulls fly.
Sunlight in her hair, her eyes were bluer than thesummer sky.
She’d hold me in her arms and tell me everything wouldbe all right.

But why’d she have to be my mother? …
Why’d she have to be married to my dad? …
Why’d she have to be my mother?
We could have been so much more
But she said it was best if we were just friends….
Oh Summer Love!

Summer of ’71 — my second love — we met on the fieldbehind the school.
We used to play all the day in the sun, no one evermade me feel that cool.
I’ll never forget the way she looked in those silkyshorts that day.

But why’d she have to be my gym teacher? …
Why’d she have to be fifty-one years old? …
Why’d she have to be my gym teacher?
I said I wanted to play flag football with her forever
But she told me I should see the school psychologist….
Oh Summer Love!

In 1981, I fell for Princess Di.
In ’82, it was a lady rabbi.
In ’83, it was the drummer from Air Supply.
HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME – HE TOLD ME ALIE!!!!!!!!!!!!
[spoken, deep voice] Summer Love!

[high-pitched crooning]Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

[Brief cut to the audience where Pedro’s partnerCaptain Jim sits and, with two thumbs up, sings to thecamera:]

Captain Jim: [sings, deep voice] SummerLove! …

[Back to Sandler at the WU desk:]

Adam Sandler: [sings]Summer of ’94 is comin’ fast and I don’t want to spendit alone.
I’ve made some mistakes when I was young, but I’mgonna put them behind me and pick up the phone.
And call the woman who I should have been goin’ outwith all along.

I’m gonna go out with my mother. …
I know what I said before but I think I can talk herinto it now. …
I’m gonna go out with my mother!
I’ll take her on a date to Burger King and this timeI’ll pay. …
Oh, Summer Love!!!!

[song ends, spoken] Have a good summer,everybody!

[Huge cheers and applause. Sandler waves.]

Kevin Nealon: Adam Sandler, ladies andgentlemen.

Adam Sandler: Thank you.

Kevin Nealon: Good stuff, good stuff.

Adam Sandler: Thank you.

[Sandler rolls off, the crowd stillapplauding.]

Kevin Nealon: [after the crowd quiets] Hismother is pretty hot. …

On the reproductive front, researchers say the numberone cause of pregnancy is sex. … Interesting,interesting. The number two cause is sex ten minuteslater. …

According to a study by the National Academy ofSciences, queen bees are born with the ability to giveaccurate directions. However, male worker bees refuseto ask for them. … [loud cheers from a few womenplus some applause]

[Photo of people holding large cardboard boxes thatenclose their heads] The country’s first singles barfor really ugly people opened this week. …

And, finally, the state of Minnesota has banned thenew beer called “Crazy Horse Malt Liquor” because itsname offends native Americans. The Brooklyn-basedbusiness says this will have no impact on their newline of flavored Manishevitz called “Jew Brew.”…

I’m Kevin Nealon. Have a good summer. That’s news tome.

[Music. Cheers. Applause. Pull back. Fadeout.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Coffee Talk

Coffee Talk

Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Lila Klein…..Heather Locklear


Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk I’m your host Linda Richman. On this show we talk about coffee, New York, dawters, dawgs you know no big whoop just Coffee Talk. With me today celebrating her 54th birthday is my dear friend and landlady is Lila Klein. Happy Birthday Lila.

Lila Klein: Some birthday. I’m going through menopause my zorch is on fire.

Linda Richman: Interesting story. Lila and I grew up without a posh a pitin and now look at her. She’s a big real estate mucky muck.

Lila Klein: What can I say? I married well, went to school for my P.H.D. and came out with my M.R.S.

Linda Richman: That is some ring.

Lila Klein: It’s a canbarely.

Linda Richman: What’s a canbarely?

Lila Klein: I can barely lift it.

Linda Richman: Start.

Lila Klein: By the way Linda you lost some weight. Ypu’re too skinny, kind of oyskedot. You look like that Calvin Klein model. What’s her name? Peat Moss?

Linda Richman: Kate Moss. And I wish. I would love to be anorexic for 3 months just until I reach my goalweight. Okay the big news is that Barbra Streisand opened in Washington, and guess who’s got a ticket for when she comes to New York?

Lila Klein: I’m dying. I’m dying.

Linda Richman: Don’t die. I don’t want to have to clean it up.

Lila Klein: Anyway how did you get it?

Linda Richman: My sister’s husband Sid went to the same bungalow colony in the Catskills with the nephew of the guys who’s neighbor is Barbra’s booking agent’s father. It was a piece of cake.

Lila Klein: I’d do anything to see Barbra on stage, but that’s okay. I’ll just sit here in the corner in the dark and eat wet cigarettes like a dawg.

Linda Richman: Lila, here is the other ticket. Happy Birthday.

Lila Klein: You didn’t. I have to call my dawter(walks off set)

Linda Richman: I understand call your dawter. She’s beautiful say hello. I can’t believe she left, but she’s going to call her dawter, and now I’m a little verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. The Morman Tabernackle Choir was neither Morman nor Tabernackle, nor a Choir Discuss! There I feel better. Okay let’s go to the phones the number is 555-4444. Give us a call we’ll talk you know no big whoop. Hello?

Caller #1: Hello my name is Tina Weena. and I was willing to spend…

Linda Richman: Wait, your name is Tina Weena?

Caller #1: Yeah Tina Weena. I use it to my advantage.

Linda Richman: I knew someone who’s first name was Nancy and her last name was Schiance. Nancy and Schiance. Hand to god. What parents do to children. I’ts a shanda na happa fech pooh pooh pooh fuh la tappa de prechs Nisch kia fecs midla capesta dech a scounchea grabiyuhnk goya fuz mirsco cyanahea provitzu a poonum. I’m not finished! Ye canahafa ofa yompkins se yenvon shumpkha de hamenschef will do a mitzvah from a miyah a zurfa and EIA SCHIENGEL! Hello you’re on Coffee Talk.

Caller #2: Hi Linda, I wanted to see Barbra, but I wouldn’t pay $350. for a ticket.

Linda Richman: Excuse me let me ask you a question would you pay $1 a day to hear Barbra sing?

Caller #2: Of course.

Linda Richman: Well that comes to $365 leaving you to get a baby sitter and dinner. It’s a bargoon. To take your negative comments elsewhere you nasty pig! We have time for one last call. Hello?

Caller #3: Linda, what’s that show called taped from Jersey? Is it Tuesday Morning.

Linda Richman: No it’s Live from New York it’s SATURDAY NIGHT!

(scene fades as the show begins)

Thanks to Bob for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service


The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service

Mr. O’Malley…..Chris Farley
Herlihy Boy…..Adam Sandler
…..Emilio Estevez


Announcer: If you’re thinking of going away this summer, why not let the Herlihy Boy take care of your grandmother? Out of an estimated 5 grandmother sitting services in the world, the Herlihy Boy is by far the best.

[ dissolve to disheveled-looking Herlihy Boy staring menacingly intothe camera ]

Herlihy Boy: Hello. Let me drive your grandmother to the store. Please? Let me drive her to the store. She can’t drive a car. She wants to go to the store. Why not let me drive her there?

Mr. O’Malley: Let the boy drive your grandmother to the store!! That’s all!! [ almost cries ]

Herlihy Boy: Hello. How’ve you been? Oh, that’s nice. Let me comb your grandmother’s hair. Please let me comb her hair? Her hair gets so knotty and messy. A good combing could fix that. And I could give her that combing. I’ll make her look real proper like. Please? Let me comb her hair.

Mr. O’Malley: [ pleading loudly ] Let the boy comb your grandma’s hair! Hair is in the dear woman’s eye, she can’t see her grandchildren! Let him comb it back! Dear Lord..!

Herlihy Boy: Hello. How’s thing? Oh, yeah, you did? That’s great! Let me give your grandmother a abth. Please? You know she needs a bath. Why not let me give her one? I swear, I’ll keep my eyes closed. I’ll just scrub her back with a big sponge. I won’t scrub her front. That’s a promise. Unless she asks me to. Please, let me give your grandmother a bath.

Mr. O’Malley: [ outraged ] Sweet jumping MARY AND JOSEPH!! Let the boy give the old lady a BATH!! You knowq she’d give HERSELF a bath if she could!! But she CAN’T!! So let the boy DOP IT!! You think she LIKES smelling that way?!! For GOD’S SAKES, have some COMPASSION!! Good.. Lord..!

Herlihy Boy: Hello. That’s a nice shirt you’re wearing. Let me shave your grandmother’s beard. Please? You can see all those granny hairs coming out of there. You know that’s not right. Come on. She didn’t live 83 years to end up with a beard. Please. Let me shave it off.

Mr. O’Malley: [ more outraged ] For the LOVE of GOD!!Let the boy — [ stops mid-pose, turns to Herlihy Boy ] I just gotta say one thing before I go on.

Herlihy Boy: Yeah?

Mr. O’Malley: If you shave the woman’s beard off, it’s just gonna grow back in two weeks’ time. Doubly as thick. Whereas, if you wax the beard, you got at least three, four months before the next sprouting! Might be something to think about!

Herlihy Boy: Okay. Wax, wax.

Mr. O’Malley: That’s using your head, son. [ returns to his stance ] Let the boy WAX your grandmother’s BEARD!! Is that beard doing anybody any good at all?!! Dear Lord!! All it’s doing is making everybody SICK!! GET RID OF IT!!!

[ Emilio Estevez steps forward ]

Emilio Estevez: Hello. I’m Emilio Estevez. Look, the beard’s gotta go. I haven’t even seen your grandmother, but I’ve got a visual going on in my head, and I swear to God I’m about to yak! So, lose the beard. Seriously.

Mr. O’Malley: This Emilio kid makes a good point. Everybody’s stomach is queasy just thinking about the old woman’s beard! While we’re standing here yapping about it, the beard continues to grow! So, just let the boy wax it! Edn of story! [ rambles incoherently ]

Herlihy Boy: Let me marry your grandmother. Please. I’ll make a good husband. Come on. I’ve already seen her naked in the tub. So why not let me marry her? That’ll make me your grandfather. I’ll pull a quarter out of your ear and give you butterscotch candy. Please? This is your grandpa talking. Let me marry your grandmother.

Mr. O’Malley: Let the boy marry your grandma! Who cares what people think?! Age difference, schmage difference!! Lordy bagordy! Just let love take its course! And give this marriage your blessing!! Is anybody listening?!!

Herlihy Boy: I’m not gonna beg. My grandmother-sitting track record speaks for itself. I’m confident you’ll make the right decision.

[ Mr. O’Malley and Emilio Estevez reaches over to give the Herlihy Boy a hearty hug ]

Announer: The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service. He loves your grandmother because he is your grandmother. I don’t know what that means.

SNL Transcripts

Eych!


Eych!

Cat Owner…..Ellen Cleghorne


Cat Owner: Fluffy? [ places cat bowl with food next to Fluffy, who ignores it ] What’s wrong, Fluffy?

Fluffy: [ mouth opens wide ] Eych!

Cat Owner: Fluffy? Are you okay?

Fluffy: [ mouth opens wide a second time ] Eych!

Cat Owner: Poor Fluffy..

Fluffy: [ mouth opens wide again once again ] Eych!

[ the Cat Owner figures out what’s wrong and grabs some Eych! Hairball Remover ]

Announcer: Eych! It’s the only hairball remover that cats ask for.. by name.

[ three hairbell-clogged cats sing the Eych! jingle with the accompaniment of a bouncing ball ]

Cats: Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych!

Announcer: Eych! Hasn’t your cat already asked for it?

Fluffy: [ finally coughs up a hairball ] Eych!

Announcer: Brought to you by Hyko, the makers of.. [ a diapered monkeys screams “IEEEE!” ] ..the diapers for monkeys.

SNL Transcripts