Amazing Time Savers

Amazing Time Savers

Janet Miles…..Heather Locklear
Richard Hayden…..Mike Myers
Caller #1…..Julia Sweeney
Caller #2…..
Caller #3…..Rob Schneider
Caller #4…..Adam Sandler

[ open on the set of the “Amazing Time Savers” infomercial, telephone operators and a bulb-packed map of the United States behind Janet and the product counter ]

Janet Miles: Hello, and welcome to “Amazing Time Savers”, your home shopping connection. I’m Janet Miles. As always, operators are standing by to take your calls. And you will certainly want to call my guest on today’s show. He brings with him an extraordinary, time-saving invention. But I’m gonna let him tell you all about it. Please welcome, Richard Hayden!

[ Richard comes out laughing excitedly, and stands beside his product ]

Richard Hayden: Thanks, Janet! Thanks for having me on this show. Now, Janet, do you like pasta?

Janet Miles: [ addressing her audience more than Richard ] I love pasta! But the problem is, I never have the time to make it.

Richard Hayden: Really? If I told you that you could have a good-tasting pasta meal, prepared in less than five minutes.. what would you say?

Janet Miles: I’d say you’re a few bricks shy of a load!

[ Janet and Richard laugh at her joke ]

Richard Hayden: Well, Janet, I’m not! [ laughs ] And you know what? I’m going to demonstrate my pasta-maker for you and your audience. Do you think your audience would like that?

[ the audience claps ]

Janet Miles: This I have to see! Now, this is a complicated process. Right, Richard?

Richard Hayden: No. My pasta-maker is easy to operate, because the directions are easy to follow.

Janet Miles: Well, we’ve heard that before: you buy an appliance with easy-to-follow directions, and you get it home, and you need a Ph.D to figure it out. Usually, this “easy direction” stuff is a big lie.. like the Holocaust! [ the phones ring wild, and the bulbs light up on the map ] Now, are your directions really easy to follow? Or is it just another Holocaust-type scam?

Richard Hayden: [ dumbfounded by Janet’s statements ] Uh.. they’re, uh.. they’re, uh.. easy to follow.. they, uh.. involve, uh.. three easy steps..

Janet Miles: Well, does the audience want to see these three easy steps to good-tasting pasta?

[ the audience relunctantly claps ]

Richard Hayden: O..kay.. Well, you just pour in the flour.. [ pours in the flour ] ..the egg and water mix.. [ pours in the egg and water ] ..and that’s it. Hit the button, and look. Here comes the pasta [ pasta starts coming out of the machine ].

Janet Miles: [ excited ] So incredible! And so fast! Well, let’s take some phone calls! I’m sure people want to find out more about this amazing machine! Caller, you’re on “Timesavers”!

Caller #1: [ shaken ] Are you insane?! Did you just say that the Holocaust was a lie?!

Janet Miles: Listen.. there is no way of ever knowing if the Holocaust actually happened. But we do know this is an amazing pasta-maker. Next caller. You’re on “Timesaver”!

Caller #2: This is unbelieveable..

Janet Miles: Isn’t it! That pasta came out in less that three minutes!

Caller #2: No! I mean, how when I first tuned in to the show, I told my husband how I thought you had crazy eyes.. then, like, a minute later, you said that thing about the Holocaust.. I was right. You are completely insane!

Janet Miles: [ chipper ] And so are you, if you don’t order this amazing pasta-maker! Thanks for your call! [ turning to Richard ] Well, Richard, this pasta-maker is truly amazing! And it’s made here in America, isn’t it?

Richard Hayden: Yes.. It’s.. it’s an American appliance that makes Italian food.

Janet Miles: [ amazed ] That’s great! Because, if you’re like me, you’re tired of buying from the Jap! [ more phones ring ] Everywhere you turn, it’s a Jap product. They’re taking over! At least with Pearl Harbor, we knew we were getting attacked.. but with this invasion of Nip products, it’s even sneakier, you know?

Richard Hayden: wanting badly to sneak out of the studio ] Uh.. yeah.. Well, it’s made here in the U.S.A., Janet.. And do you know what’s the best part? The price!

Janet Miles: Okay, here comes the catch.. this has to cost a lot of money. Your invention makes good-tasting pasta in under four minutes. It’s durable and so simple to use, even a Puerto Rican can figure it out! [ all the phones start ringing at once ] And it makes enough for a family of six. Now, this must cost at least $200. Am I right?

Richard Hayden: [ totally embarrassed ] Yeah.. uh.. I mean no. It’s much less.. it’s $39.95.. [ waving his hands in protest ] But I just want to say..

Janet Miles: I know. Let’s take some more calls and sell some pasta-makers! Caller, you’re on “Time Savers”!

Caller #3: [ speaks in Spanish ]

Janet Miles: Who, whoa, whoa! Pepe! Pepe! Slow down! We’ll have to find a Spanish-speaking operator to take your order. Next caller, you’re on “Timesavers”!

Caller #4: [ outraged ] Listen to me, you crazy bitch! I’m gonna find out where you live, and you will pay!!

Janet Miles: Me pay? Why don’t you pay, for one of these pasta-makers? [ addressing her audience ] You simply cannot go wrong at $39.95. Call now, because you couldn’t buy it cheaper off a drunken Indian! [ the phones go crazy, and Richard ducks for safety below the counter ] The orders are pouring in, and we’ll see you, next time on “Amazing Time Savers”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

So Long, Farewell

93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

So Long, Farewell

…..Phil Hartman
Kristy…..David Spade
Lucy…..Adam Sandler
Tori Spelling…..Melanie Hutsell
Ike Turner…..Tim Meadows
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Jay Mohr
…..Sarah Silverman
…..Norm MacDonald
Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Zoraida…..Ellen Cleghorne
Richmeister…..Rob Schneider
Pat…..Julia Sweeney
…..Michael McKean
Matt Foley…..Chris Farley

[ open on Phil Hartman stading alone on a darkened Home Base ]

Phil Hartman: Ladies and gentlemen, as we close out our 19th season, let’s say goodbye to the “Saturday Night Live” family singers.

[ the remaining cast members and featured players enter Home Base, each dressed as one of their prominent recurring characters – except for Kevin Nealon, Jay Mohr, Sarah Silverman and Norm MacDonald, who appear as themselves ] [ singing ]

“So long, farewell!
Auf wiedersehen, goodnight!”

Lucy & Kristy:
“We sell you jeans
Like, even if they’re too tight!”

[ Lucy and Kristy lock hands and dance away from Home Base giggling ]

“So long, farewell!
We must be stealing.”

Tori Spelling: Watch “90210”.

Ike Turner: “I’m sorry, Kevin Nealon.”

[ Ike and Tori hug Kevin, as they dance away from Home Base ]

“So long, farewell!
We’d like to give you more.”

Jay Mohr, Sarah Silverman, Norm MacDonald:
“We’re not on a lot
So we’d better try and score.”

[ Sarah Silverman hops on Jay Mohr’s back, as they and Norm MacDonald dance away from Home Base ]

“So long, goodbye
It’s time to say farewell.”

Linda Richman:
“I feel verklempt
So talk among yourselves.”

[ Linda Richman dances away from Home Base ]

“So long, farewell!
We have to bid adieu.”

“What makes you think
That I won’t cut you?”

[ Zoraida flaps hwer skirt and dances away from Home Base ]

“So long, farewell!
To say goodbye is sad.”

Richmeister & Pat:
“We skipped this year
And that’s why it was bad.”

[ Richmeister & Pat dance away from Home Base ]

“So long, farewell!
We’ll wake up bright and early.”

Michael McKean: [ dressed as Lenny ]“I don’t have a character yet
But I was on ‘Laverne & Shirley’.”

[ Michael McKean dances away from Home Base ]

Matt Foley: [ alone at Home Base, tired and beat ]“So long.. farewell!
Hey, what am I, chopped liver?
I need.. to sleep..
In a van.. down by the.. river.”

[ Matt slowly and defeatedly takes his seat on the apron of the stage, half-asleep, as Phil Hartman sits down and wraps his arm around Matt ]

Phil Hartman: [ to audience ] You know.. I can’t imagine a more dignifed way.. to end my eight years on this program.
[ singing ]“Good-bye.. good-bye..

[ spotlight centers on Phil and Matt, as camera zooms out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts