Coffee Talk

Coffee Talk

Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Lila Klein…..Heather Locklear


Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk I’m your host Linda Richman. On this show we talk about coffee, New York, dawters, dawgs you know no big whoop just Coffee Talk. With me today celebrating her 54th birthday is my dear friend and landlady is Lila Klein. Happy Birthday Lila.

Lila Klein: Some birthday. I’m going through menopause my zorch is on fire.

Linda Richman: Interesting story. Lila and I grew up without a posh a pitin and now look at her. She’s a big real estate mucky muck.

Lila Klein: What can I say? I married well, went to school for my P.H.D. and came out with my M.R.S.

Linda Richman: That is some ring.

Lila Klein: It’s a canbarely.

Linda Richman: What’s a canbarely?

Lila Klein: I can barely lift it.

Linda Richman: Start.

Lila Klein: By the way Linda you lost some weight. Ypu’re too skinny, kind of oyskedot. You look like that Calvin Klein model. What’s her name? Peat Moss?

Linda Richman: Kate Moss. And I wish. I would love to be anorexic for 3 months just until I reach my goalweight. Okay the big news is that Barbra Streisand opened in Washington, and guess who’s got a ticket for when she comes to New York?

Lila Klein: I’m dying. I’m dying.

Linda Richman: Don’t die. I don’t want to have to clean it up.

Lila Klein: Anyway how did you get it?

Linda Richman: My sister’s husband Sid went to the same bungalow colony in the Catskills with the nephew of the guys who’s neighbor is Barbra’s booking agent’s father. It was a piece of cake.

Lila Klein: I’d do anything to see Barbra on stage, but that’s okay. I’ll just sit here in the corner in the dark and eat wet cigarettes like a dawg.

Linda Richman: Lila, here is the other ticket. Happy Birthday.

Lila Klein: You didn’t. I have to call my dawter(walks off set)

Linda Richman: I understand call your dawter. She’s beautiful say hello. I can’t believe she left, but she’s going to call her dawter, and now I’m a little verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. The Morman Tabernackle Choir was neither Morman nor Tabernackle, nor a Choir Discuss! There I feel better. Okay let’s go to the phones the number is 555-4444. Give us a call we’ll talk you know no big whoop. Hello?

Caller #1: Hello my name is Tina Weena. and I was willing to spend…

Linda Richman: Wait, your name is Tina Weena?

Caller #1: Yeah Tina Weena. I use it to my advantage.

Linda Richman: I knew someone who’s first name was Nancy and her last name was Schiance. Nancy and Schiance. Hand to god. What parents do to children. I’ts a shanda na happa fech pooh pooh pooh fuh la tappa de prechs Nisch kia fecs midla capesta dech a scounchea grabiyuhnk goya fuz mirsco cyanahea provitzu a poonum. I’m not finished! Ye canahafa ofa yompkins se yenvon shumpkha de hamenschef will do a mitzvah from a miyah a zurfa and EIA SCHIENGEL! Hello you’re on Coffee Talk.

Caller #2: Hi Linda, I wanted to see Barbra, but I wouldn’t pay $350. for a ticket.

Linda Richman: Excuse me let me ask you a question would you pay $1 a day to hear Barbra sing?

Caller #2: Of course.

Linda Richman: Well that comes to $365 leaving you to get a baby sitter and dinner. It’s a bargoon. To take your negative comments elsewhere you nasty pig! We have time for one last call. Hello?

Caller #3: Linda, what’s that show called taped from Jersey? Is it Tuesday Morning.

Linda Richman: No it’s Live from New York it’s SATURDAY NIGHT!

(scene fades as the show begins)

Thanks to Bob for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service


The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service

Mr. O’Malley…..Chris Farley
Herlihy Boy…..Adam Sandler
…..Emilio Estevez


Announcer: If you’re thinking of going away this summer, why not let the Herlihy Boy take care of your grandmother? Out of an estimated 5 grandmother sitting services in the world, the Herlihy Boy is by far the best.

[ dissolve to disheveled-looking Herlihy Boy staring menacingly intothe camera ]

Herlihy Boy: Hello. Let me drive your grandmother to the store. Please? Let me drive her to the store. She can’t drive a car. She wants to go to the store. Why not let me drive her there?

Mr. O’Malley: Let the boy drive your grandmother to the store!! That’s all!! [ almost cries ]

Herlihy Boy: Hello. How’ve you been? Oh, that’s nice. Let me comb your grandmother’s hair. Please let me comb her hair? Her hair gets so knotty and messy. A good combing could fix that. And I could give her that combing. I’ll make her look real proper like. Please? Let me comb her hair.

Mr. O’Malley: [ pleading loudly ] Let the boy comb your grandma’s hair! Hair is in the dear woman’s eye, she can’t see her grandchildren! Let him comb it back! Dear Lord..!

Herlihy Boy: Hello. How’s thing? Oh, yeah, you did? That’s great! Let me give your grandmother a abth. Please? You know she needs a bath. Why not let me give her one? I swear, I’ll keep my eyes closed. I’ll just scrub her back with a big sponge. I won’t scrub her front. That’s a promise. Unless she asks me to. Please, let me give your grandmother a bath.

Mr. O’Malley: [ outraged ] Sweet jumping MARY AND JOSEPH!! Let the boy give the old lady a BATH!! You knowq she’d give HERSELF a bath if she could!! But she CAN’T!! So let the boy DOP IT!! You think she LIKES smelling that way?!! For GOD’S SAKES, have some COMPASSION!! Good.. Lord..!

Herlihy Boy: Hello. That’s a nice shirt you’re wearing. Let me shave your grandmother’s beard. Please? You can see all those granny hairs coming out of there. You know that’s not right. Come on. She didn’t live 83 years to end up with a beard. Please. Let me shave it off.

Mr. O’Malley: [ more outraged ] For the LOVE of GOD!!Let the boy — [ stops mid-pose, turns to Herlihy Boy ] I just gotta say one thing before I go on.

Herlihy Boy: Yeah?

Mr. O’Malley: If you shave the woman’s beard off, it’s just gonna grow back in two weeks’ time. Doubly as thick. Whereas, if you wax the beard, you got at least three, four months before the next sprouting! Might be something to think about!

Herlihy Boy: Okay. Wax, wax.

Mr. O’Malley: That’s using your head, son. [ returns to his stance ] Let the boy WAX your grandmother’s BEARD!! Is that beard doing anybody any good at all?!! Dear Lord!! All it’s doing is making everybody SICK!! GET RID OF IT!!!

[ Emilio Estevez steps forward ]

Emilio Estevez: Hello. I’m Emilio Estevez. Look, the beard’s gotta go. I haven’t even seen your grandmother, but I’ve got a visual going on in my head, and I swear to God I’m about to yak! So, lose the beard. Seriously.

Mr. O’Malley: This Emilio kid makes a good point. Everybody’s stomach is queasy just thinking about the old woman’s beard! While we’re standing here yapping about it, the beard continues to grow! So, just let the boy wax it! Edn of story! [ rambles incoherently ]

Herlihy Boy: Let me marry your grandmother. Please. I’ll make a good husband. Come on. I’ve already seen her naked in the tub. So why not let me marry her? That’ll make me your grandfather. I’ll pull a quarter out of your ear and give you butterscotch candy. Please? This is your grandpa talking. Let me marry your grandmother.

Mr. O’Malley: Let the boy marry your grandma! Who cares what people think?! Age difference, schmage difference!! Lordy bagordy! Just let love take its course! And give this marriage your blessing!! Is anybody listening?!!

Herlihy Boy: I’m not gonna beg. My grandmother-sitting track record speaks for itself. I’m confident you’ll make the right decision.

[ Mr. O’Malley and Emilio Estevez reaches over to give the Herlihy Boy a hearty hug ]

Announer: The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service. He loves your grandmother because he is your grandmother. I don’t know what that means.

SNL Transcripts

Eych!


Eych!

Cat Owner…..Ellen Cleghorne


Cat Owner: Fluffy? [ places cat bowl with food next to Fluffy, who ignores it ] What’s wrong, Fluffy?

Fluffy: [ mouth opens wide ] Eych!

Cat Owner: Fluffy? Are you okay?

Fluffy: [ mouth opens wide a second time ] Eych!

Cat Owner: Poor Fluffy..

Fluffy: [ mouth opens wide again once again ] Eych!

[ the Cat Owner figures out what’s wrong and grabs some Eych! Hairball Remover ]

Announcer: Eych! It’s the only hairball remover that cats ask for.. by name.

[ three hairbell-clogged cats sing the Eych! jingle with the accompaniment of a bouncing ball ]

Cats: Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych!

Announcer: Eych! Hasn’t your cat already asked for it?

Fluffy: [ finally coughs up a hairball ] Eych!

Announcer: Brought to you by Hyko, the makers of.. [ a diapered monkeys screams “IEEEE!” ] ..the diapers for monkeys.

SNL Transcripts

Emilio Estevez’s Monologue


Emilio Estevez’s Monologue

…..Emilio Estevez


Emilio Estevez: Thank you. Thanks a lot. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! It’s been a great week, I’ve got a new movie out – “The Mighty Ducks 2”!

[ audience applauds ]

Thank you very much. You know, a lot of people still remember me from my earlier work. Uh, I hate to use the term, and as much as I’ve tried to forget it – I used to be a member of the Brat Pack.

[ audience cheers wildly ]

Do you remember “The Breakast Club”, “St. Elmo’s Fire”? Teen angst, blah blah blah blah blah! Well, a lot of people always ask me what happened to the Brat Pack, so I figured I’d catch you up.

Now, of course, everyone knows what happened to Rob Lowe in the last few years. That’s right, he was in “Wayne’s World”. But did you know that Ally Sheedy had 17 kids, each with a different husband? She lives in San Diego now.

And Molly Ringwold, or, should I say, Mr. Marvin Ringwold? That’s right, Molly had a sex-change operation. But she — he — still has the loveliest red hair.

And, uh.. let’s see, who else, uh.. Judd Nelson! He disappeared six years ago. We’re not sure what happened to him.

Uh.. Anthony Michael Hall. In jail.

Andrew McCarthy. Also jail.

And Demi Moore. She married some guy – in jail.

Anyway, we’ve got a great show. Pearl Jam’s here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

The Flirt


The Flirt

Man in Bar…..Kevin Nealon
Beautiful Woman…..Heather Locklear
Guy next to Woman…..Chris Farley
Guy next to Man…..Norm MacDonald


[ open on interior, Wilson’s Bar ] [ At the counter, Man in Bar sips his drink, then notices a Beautiful Woman smiling at him from the other side of the counter. She winks at him and makes a funny face; he winks back and makes a funny face of his own. ] [ She holds up he drink and takes a sip; likewise, he holds up his drink and takes a sip, suave as ever. ] [ She presses her finger to her lips, then points it at him; he puckers up, touches his lips, and holds his finger out. ] [Intrigued, she pulls her nose high with her finger and snorts like a pig; engaged in the flirting action, he does the same. ] [ Impressed that he followed up on that one, the Beautiful Woman grabs a pitcher of beer and chugs it down, as most of the beer spills across her chest, then she spits some of the beer out of her mouth; likeing what he sees, the Man in Bar also grabs a pitcher, chugs it down and chokes on the excess. ] [ Still enjoying herself, the Beautiful Woman takes out a sketchpad and produces a drawing of the Man in Bar; he takes out his sketchpad, and also draws a picture of himself. ] [ Testing to see how far he’ll go, she grabs the collar of the Guy next to her and kisses him on the lips, then looks across the bar for the reaction; challenged, the Man in Bar looks around, then grabs the Guy next to him and kisses him on the lips. ]Guy next to Man: [ breaking free ] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

[ The Beautiful Woman unhooks her bra, then pulls pulls it out of her dress and dangles it for the Man in Bar to see; unable to copy that, he grabs the Guy next to him again and gives him another kiss on the lips. ] [ Thinking of a way to top herself, the Beatiful Woman takes out a bottle labeled “POISON” and takes a sip; determined not to lose pace, the Man in Bar takes out a bottle labeled “POISON” as well, and takes a sip. ] [ The Beautiful Woman peels the label off of her bottle, to reveal a second label – “WATER”; worried, the Man in Bar cautiously peels the label off of his bottle, to reveal the label “REALLY BAD POISON”. When he sees it, he doubles over the bar and dies. ] [ The Beautiful Woman walks over to the Man’s body, pulls out his wallet, then walks away. ]

SNL Transcripts

Poker Billy


Poker Billy

Spaniard…..Rob Schneider
Black Guy…..Tim Meadows
Dapper Gentleman…..Mike Myers
Dealer…..Phil Hartman
Poker Billy…..Emilio Estevez
Guitarist…..Michael McKean
Bartender…..Chris Farley
Drunk…..Adam Sandler


[ open on exterior scene from the Old West ] [ dissolve to interior, saloon, cowboys sitting at a table playing poker ]

Spaniard: I fold!

Black Guy: I’m out.

Dapper Gentleman: Too rich for my blood!

Dealer: Okay, Billy, it’s down to you and me. Whattaya got?

Poker Billy: Take a look at these. [ lays his cards on the table ]

Spaniard: Carumba! Full house! Aces over jacks!

Dealer: [ lays his cards on the table ] Pair of sevens.

Poker Billy: [ outraged ] Pair of sevens?! Nobody’s that lucky! [ stands and overturns the table ] You cheatin’ bastard! [ pulls out his guns and points them at ?? ]

Dealer: Uh.. no one’s cheatin’, Billy. Full house beats a pair of sevens. You won the hand!

Poker Billy: Really?

Dealer: Yes.

Poker Billy: That would make me the winner?

Everyone: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Poker Billy: [ lowers his guns ] Oh, good.

[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]“Poker Billy was a gambler
Poker was his game.
He never figured out the rules
But he loved it just the same.
Now, sometimes Bill got lucky
As morons often do.
But luck don’t make a difference
When you havn’t got a clue.”

[ pan back to the card game, table now back on its legs ]

Dealer: [ dealing cards ] Okay, how many?

Black GuyI’ll take two.

Dapper Gentleman: Uh.. one for me, please.

Spaniard: Three, por favor.

Dealer: [ to Poker Billy ] How many cards you want?

Poker Billy: Uh.. I’ll take, uh.. eight!

[ Spaniard throws his cards in the air ]

Poker Billy: Nine.. no, eight!

Dealer: Well, I-I can’t do that, Billy. not in Five Card Draw. I could give you three, how’s that?

Poker Billy: You holdin’ out on me? I said eight!

Dapper Gentleman: Uh, listen, Billy.. in Five Card Draw, you-you can’t have eight cards. It’s sort of a Five Card Draw tradition, you see.

Poker Billy: Oh.. I get it. You two are in this together. You cheatin’ bastards! [ stands and overturns the table ]

Dapper Gentleman: What an ignoramus!

[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]“Now, ignoramus is a word
That’s often overused.
But in the case of Poker Billy
I think you’d be excused.”

Bartender: “Special classes –“

Guitarist: “– Didn’t help him!”

Bartender: “Special teachers –“

Guitarist: “– Wouldn’t stay.”

Bartender: “Special doctors –“

Guitarist:
“– Shook their heads
and Billy’s parents ran away.”

[ pan back to the card game, table back on its legs again ]

Dealer: [ paying Billy off ] Fifty, sixty, seventy. All there. Okay. This time, let’s try to play a very simple game. It’s called One.. Card.. Stud. Now, here’s how it works – I’m gonna deal one card to each player, face up. Whoever’s card is the high-est nu-mer-i-cal-ly.. wins the chip. [ holds a chip up ] One of these things. Okay, everyone? [ everyone murmurs their agreement ] Billy?

Poker Billy: Uh, uh.. I’ll pick it up as we go along.

Dealer: Great. [ shuffles the cards ]

Poker Billy: What the hell are you doin’? You’re mixin’ up all the cards!

Dealer: Yes, it’s called shuffling. I do it before every game.

Poker Billy: Yeah? Well, this time, you got caught!

Spaniard: Here we go!

Poker Billy: You cheatin’ bastard! [ stands and overturns the table ] [ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Bartender: [ singing ]“I’d like to emphasize a point
we’re making it this song.
Even though it’s very clear
We’ve gone on way too long.
Say he’s stupid.”

Guitarist: “Now, you got it!”

Bartender: “Not a genius.”

Guitarist: “Not at all!”

Bartender: “Lobotomy.”

Guitarist: “I wouldn’t doubt it!”

Drunk: “I think his brain is very small – yahoo!”

[ pan back to Poker Billy, talking with Jenny ]

Poker Billy: Jenny?

Jenny: Mmm-hmm?

Poker Billy: Who do you like better, me or Texas Jim?

Jenny: Why, Billy, you’re my ace of spades, and Texas Jim’s just a thre of clubs! [ giggles ]

Poker Billy: What exactly are you sayin’?

Jenny: Well, Billy, you’re my royal flush, and he’s just a pair of deuces. [ giggles ]

Poker Billy: I still don’t get it, Jenny, help me out here.

Jenny: Bily, listen carefully: I love you with all my heart! You could say I’m your Queen of Hearts! Get it!

Poker Billy: You cheatin’ bastard! [ reaches over to overturn the table ] [ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Guitarist: “He’s very stupid.”

Bartender: “Very stupid!”

Guitarist: “Not too bright!”

Bartender: “Very stupid!”

Guitarist: “Stupid, stupid!”

Together:
“Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!
He’s the stupidest guy who ever played the gaaaaame!!”

[ Poker Billy ambles over ]

Poker Billy: Come back soon, Poker Billy!

Guitarist: That’s you, Billy.

Poker Billy: Oh, yeah.. right.

[ pan out and fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights


93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

Goodnights

…..Heather Locklear


Heather Locklear: Thanks to Janet Jackson.. Jay Leno.. everybody here. It’s been a great show, a great week. Good night!

[ camera focuses momentarily on Phil Hartman on the right corner of the stage, as cast members take their turn hugging him goodbye ]

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon


93r: Emilio Estevez / Pearl Jam

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

… Kevin Nealon
Operaman … Adam Sandler


[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with KevinNealon!

[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheersand applause. Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon.Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin sits and fusseswith his papers as his image continues to rotate onthe screen beside him. Dissolve to a closer view ofKevin at the desk.]

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon.Now, our top story:

This week, seven top tobacco company CEOs testifiedbefore a congressional health committee. Theexecutives said they believe nicotine is NOTaddictive. They also testified that asbestos is a goodsource of fiber. …

The president of the American Tobacco Company saidcigarettes were no more dangerous than Twinkies. Helater clarified his statement, saying what he meantwas that Twinkies have a longer shelf life than mostcigarette smokers. …

In a related story, this week marked the 64thanniversary of the Twinkie. To commemorate theoccasion, Hostess proudly displayed the very firstTwinkie which is expected to reach its expiration datesometime next year. …

Yesterday, Bill and Hillary Clinton paid fourteenthousand six hundred dollars in back taxes, plus theinterest on an unreported 1980 sixty-five hundreddollar investment profit. Using a familiarexplanation, the president said he profited but hedidn’t invest. … [hardly anyone laughs] Ah.

A movement was started this week in support of theMenendez brothers under which money would be raised tohelp get the brothers out of prison and send them onan all-expense-paid trip to Singapore. …

Kevin Nealon: Weekend Update would like tooffer this editorial opinion right now. [superimposedtext reads: Subliminal Editorial] In Singapore, publicflogging by law is one hundred years old. DickClark. And, frankly … I was stunned to thinkthere was any place on Earth where a teenage boy couldbe stripped and paddled across his bare buttocks.Neverland Ranch. Admittedly … some convictedfelons deserve to be beaten. Leona Helmsley.But some say justice must be satisfied. But who getssatisfaction out of having people tied up and whipped?Rick James. Others say … this acts as adeterrent but no one can predict the future.Hillary Clinton. Yes, the boy admitted to spraypainting cars but he’s only eighteen and young peopleoften do stupid and impulsive things they laterregret. Shannen Doherty. I happen to think …that everyone’s entitled to one mistake. EuroDisney. And I’m not saying there aren’t … thosewho I’d love to see get a good flogging. Urkel.It’s just that … I’m afraid we’ve become soinsensitive that we’ve learned to accept the idea of aman’s beating in public. Pee Wee Herman. Let’shave some compassion … [cheers and applause]Remember– No, I’m just saying, you gotta– Remember,justice should be tempered with mercy. These wordsfrom a wise man — Bazooka Joe — should be ourwatchword. … And hopefully, before long, this boycan go on with his life and his story will beyesterday’s news and long forgotten. DebbieGibson. Thank you. … [cheers and applause]

In other news, several brands of discount crayons,recalled last week due to high levels of lead, will beput back on the market and sold as pencils….

And, in Hollywood, actor Dudley Moore and longtimegirlfriend Nicole Rothschild tied the knot today, justa few weeks after he was accused of beating her. It ishis fourth marriage and her first beating. …

Kevin Nealon: And now here with a look at somecurrent events is Weekend Update correspondentOperaman. Operaman?

[Cheers and applause for the tuxedo-wearing,long-haired, handkerchief-wielding opera singer. Hesings his entire commentary in a hybrid of English andmock Italian, set to opera and opera-like melodies.Just like at the opera, a superimposed text clarifiesthe singer’s words.]

Operaman: [sings, to piano accompaniment]Grazia, Kevin, grazia.

[image of Bill and Hillary Clinton]
Bill and Hillary make dinero
On the cattle
Vince Foster murdered right
Before he tattle …
Shame on you-ah
Por Whitewater
Una more mistako

Leprechaun Lick-ah your daughter

[image of building in Singapore]Operaman vacacione
In Singapore
Spray paint grafitti
Now mi buttcheeks are sore …

[image of 1040 income tax form]Dat time of year-a
Tax time es here-a …
Mucho lira
Disappearra …
No deductions
Don’t get discourgi
I found out you can
Write off 976-ORGY …

Yahoo!

[image of former basketball player “Magic”Johnson]Senore Johnson!
El coache!
Teacho shooto
Teacho bounco
Justa promise
[image of Johnson wearing broadcast announcer’sheadset]No more announco …

[image of magician David Copperfield and model ClaudiaSchiffer]Copperfield!
Coppa-feelo! …
Operaman no comprendo
Il dorko has hot girlfriendo …
If she like-ah magic
Mi take-ah classoh
En two weeks
Pull a rabbit out of my ass-oh …

[Cheers and applause as Operaman pulls a stuffed bunnyfrom his pants, tosses it away. Image of musical guestPearl Jam — instead of another aria, Operaman’s nextitem is an operatic parody of Pearl Jam’s song”Evenflow”]

Eeyo zama dama dingy dong
Operaman’s a big Pearl Jam fan-o
[image of Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder]Whoa deeyo zaya moya ding doo
Eddie Vedder’s even better
Looking in person-o
Eeyo zama dama ding dong
I wish he didn’t have a girlfriend-o
Oh, no-a!
Eeyo I’m not saying I’m gay I’m just saying therecomes a time in every man’s life when he questions hisown sexuality!…
Oh no!

[cheers and applause]

I like-a to sing for you!
Dat’s-a-no lie!
Operaman, Bye Bye

[Huge cheers and applause. Operaman is pelted withroses.]

Kevin Nealon: Operaman, ladies andgentlemen!

[Kevin wipes tears from his eyes, rises and claps,saying “Bravo! Bravo!” etc. Operaman smells roses,waves, saying “Oh, yes!” “Thank you!” and “Grazi!”Kevin sits. Operaman exits.]

Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Operaman.Queer. That was great. …

Albany, New York has proposed a bill to change all its”dead end” street signs to the more genteel “cul desac.” In a related action, New York City will changeits “dead end” street signs to “Nice going. Nowyou gotta turn around, you stupid bastard.”…

Well, Mattell announced this week they’ll beintroducing a new Nancy Kerrigan doll. They said aTonya Harding doll is also in the works. Well,actually, it’s not a doll, it’s an action figure….

Actor Timothy Dalton has decided to quit playingSecret Service agent James Bond in the movies. Theannouncement reportedly left producers shaken, notstirred. … With Dalton stepping down, the search forthe new James Bond is on. Leading contenders includePierce Brosnan, Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell… or federal judge Jose Cabranes who would be thefirst Hispanic James Bond. …

New evidence this week was found. Scientists areexpected to use it to replace the old evidence….

The NASA launching of the world’s most sophisticatedstate-of-the-art weather satellite has been delayedthis week because of bad weather. [few laughs] More onthat story as it develops.

In art, the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam hasdiscovered nineteen previously unknown works by theDutch artist that he apparently printed over — orpainted over. The works were found by X-raying thecanvases and reflect a simpler, earlier technique andstyle of painting. [image of comic strip charactersNancy and Sluggo] …

Taking a look now at the national picture– [Kevinturns to glance at a map of the United States] Yeah,there it is. …

Female condoms went on sale here this week in theUnited States. The female condom is said to preventpregnancy by fitting snugly over a woman’s wine glass…. [applause]

And, in Miami, Madonna is suing a strip club owner fornaming his nightspot “Club Madonna.” The club ownerhas filed a countersuit claiming “Club Madonna” is notthe name of his club but simply a suggestion. …[applause]

And now our final story. Doctors say the cure forbaldness may be held in a prostate drug. The onlyknown side effect? A hairy ass. …

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

[Cheers and applause. Music. Kevin pretends to betaking notes with a pencil on top of the Update deskas we pull back and fade away.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 05/07/93


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

May 7th, 1994

John Goodman

The Pretenders

Jan Hooks

  • New York Governor’s Debate

    Howard Stern (Michael McKean) and company make a mockery of gubernatorial
    debate against Mario Cuomo (Phil Hartman).

    Recurring Characters: Mario Cuomo, Howard Stern, Robin Quivers.

  • John Goodman’s Monologue

    Goodman ‘fesses up to his mother about the naughty things he did as a child.

  • Majestic Caribbean Cruise Line

    (Repeat) See: 04/09/93.

  • Captain Jim & Pedro

    Dad (John Goodman) meets with the formerly shipwrecked Captain Jim (Tim Meadows)
    and Pedro (Adam Sandler) before letting them date his daughters (Melanie Hutsell,
    Sarah Silverman).

    Recurring Characters: Captain Jim, Pedro.

  • NRA’s American Sportsman Today

    Ron Wood (Mike Myers) and sportsmen mercilessly kill wild animals.

    Recurring Characters: Ron Wood, Rush Limbaugh, Charlton Heston.

  • The Pretenders perform “Night In My Veins”
  • Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

    David Spade comments on rock bands that don’t play their well-known hits at concerts.

  • Real Stories Of The Arkansas Highway Patrol

    Arkansas state troopers help pick up girls for Governor Clinton (Phil Hartman).

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    SNL Transcripts

  • Michael Bolton: In His Own Words


    93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

    Michael Bolton: In His Own Words

    Michael Bolton…..Kevin Nealon
    Nat King Cole…..Tim Meadows


    [open on Michael Bolton sitting on stool on a stage]

    Announcer: Candlelight Records is proud to present…

    Michael Bolton: [to the tune of “My Girl”]“I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day.
    Oh, when it’s cold outside
    I’ve got the month of May..”

    Announcer: The master of romantic songwriting…

    Michael Bolton:
    “I’ll.. bet.. you’ll.. say
    What could make me feel this way?”

    Announcer: Michael Bolton sings…

    Michael Bolton:
    “My girlfriend
    My girlfriend
    I’m talking about my girlfriend
    My girlfriend.”

    [dissolve to CD cover with image of Michael Bolton: “In His Own Words–The Original Songs of Michael Bolton”, and title below CD cover: “20 Original Michael Bolton Songs”]

    Announcer: “In His Own Words–The Original Songs of Michael Bolton,” twenty original Michael Bolton songs, not just performed by Michael Bolton, but written by Michael Bolton himself, with no help from anyone else. Songs so unique and personal, they could only have been written by Michael Bolton.

    [dissolve to Michael Bolton on stage with title: “Respectt,” and smaller title below: “Copywright 1994 Michael Bolton”]

    Michael Bolton: [to the tune of “Respect”]“R-E-S-P-E-C-T-T
    Find out what it means to me me
    R-E-S-P-E-C-T-T
    Find out what it means to me
    Respect-t, just a little bit
    Respect-t..”

    Announcer: Including, “I Heard it Through the Bushes.”

    [title: “I Heard it Through the Bushes,” and smaller title below: “Copywright 1994 Michael Bolton”]

    Michael Bolton: [to the tune of “I Heard it Through the Grapevine”]“You should have told me yourself
    That you found somebody else
    Instead I heard it through the bushes.”

    Announcer: And much, much more. All with that unique Michael Bolton songwriting touch that says, “This song was written by Michael Bolton.”

    [title: “E-F-G,” and smaller title below: “Copywright 1994 Michael Bolton”]

    Michael Bolton: [to the tune of “A-B-C”]“E-F-G
    Oh, it’s easy as 1-2-3
    Oh baby, come dance with me
    E-F-G
    1-2-3
    Baby, you and me.”

    Announcer: And Michael’s classic duet with his father, Nat King Cole.

    [title: “Inforgettable,” and smaller title below: “Copywright 1994 Michael Bolton”] [black-and-white inset of Nat King Cole appears]

    Michael Bolton and Nat King Cole: [to the tune of “Unforgettable”]“Inforgettable
    In every way
    Inforgettable
    That’s what they say.”

    [dissolve to previous CD cover]

    Announcer: Act now, and you’ll get the Michael Bolton album that changed music as we know it: [CD cover appears, with psychedelic band, covering previous cover] “Sgt. Michael Bolton’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.” Call 1-600-BOLTON-WROTE-IT8. [title with phone number] Operators are standing by. Every minute you waste, Michael is writing new songs. He can’t stop.

    [dissolve to Michael Bolton sitting with a keyboard]

    Michael Bolton: I’m Michael Bolton. I can prove I wrote every one of these songs. How? Because I never listened to any other music in my life, and I hope you won’t either. [winks] [picks out “Happy Birthday” on keyboard and nods approvingly] [title and voice over by announcer: “All proceeds go to the Michael Bolton Defense Fund”]

    Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!

    SNL Transcripts