Category: 1993

93r: Emilio Estevez / Pearl Jam

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

… Kevin Nealon
Operaman … Adam Sandler

[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with KevinNealon!

[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheersand applause. Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon.Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin sits and fusseswith his papers as his image continues to rotate onthe screen beside him. Dissolve to a closer view ofKevin at the desk.]

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon.Now, our top story:

This week, seven top tobacco company CEOs testifiedbefore a congressional health committee. Theexecutives said they believe nicotine is NOTaddictive. They also testified that asbestos is a goodsource of fiber. …

The president of the American Tobacco Company saidcigarettes were no more dangerous than Twinkies. Helater clarified his statement, saying what he meantwas that Twinkies have a longer shelf life than mostcigarette smokers. …

In a related story, this week marked the 64thanniversary of the Twinkie. To commemorate theoccasion, Hostess proudly displayed the very firstTwinkie which is expected to reach its expiration datesometime next year. …

Yesterday, Bill and Hillary Clinton paid fourteenthousand six hundred dollars in back taxes, plus theinterest on an unreported 1980 sixty-five hundreddollar investment profit. Using a familiarexplanation, the president said he profited but hedidn’t invest. … [hardly anyone laughs] Ah.

A movement was started this week in support of theMenendez brothers under which money would be raised tohelp get the brothers out of prison and send them onan all-expense-paid trip to Singapore. …

Kevin Nealon: Weekend Update would like tooffer this editorial opinion right now. [superimposedtext reads: Subliminal Editorial] In Singapore, publicflogging by law is one hundred years old. DickClark. And, frankly … I was stunned to thinkthere was any place on Earth where a teenage boy couldbe stripped and paddled across his bare buttocks.Neverland Ranch. Admittedly … some convictedfelons deserve to be beaten. Leona Helmsley.But some say justice must be satisfied. But who getssatisfaction out of having people tied up and whipped?Rick James. Others say … this acts as adeterrent but no one can predict the future.Hillary Clinton. Yes, the boy admitted to spraypainting cars but he’s only eighteen and young peopleoften do stupid and impulsive things they laterregret. Shannen Doherty. I happen to think …that everyone’s entitled to one mistake. EuroDisney. And I’m not saying there aren’t … thosewho I’d love to see get a good flogging. Urkel.It’s just that … I’m afraid we’ve become soinsensitive that we’ve learned to accept the idea of aman’s beating in public. Pee Wee Herman. Let’shave some compassion … [cheers and applause]Remember– No, I’m just saying, you gotta– Remember,justice should be tempered with mercy. These wordsfrom a wise man — Bazooka Joe — should be ourwatchword. … And hopefully, before long, this boycan go on with his life and his story will beyesterday’s news and long forgotten. DebbieGibson. Thank you. … [cheers and applause]

In other news, several brands of discount crayons,recalled last week due to high levels of lead, will beput back on the market and sold as pencils….

And, in Hollywood, actor Dudley Moore and longtimegirlfriend Nicole Rothschild tied the knot today, justa few weeks after he was accused of beating her. It ishis fourth marriage and her first beating. …

Kevin Nealon: And now here with a look at somecurrent events is Weekend Update correspondentOperaman. Operaman?

[Cheers and applause for the tuxedo-wearing,long-haired, handkerchief-wielding opera singer. Hesings his entire commentary in a hybrid of English andmock Italian, set to opera and opera-like melodies.Just like at the opera, a superimposed text clarifiesthe singer’s words.]

Operaman: [sings, to piano accompaniment]
Grazia, Kevin, grazia.

[image of Bill and Hillary Clinton]
Bill and Hillary make dinero
On the cattle
Vince Foster murdered right
Before he tattle …
Shame on you-ah
Por Whitewater
Una more mistako

Leprechaun Lick-ah your daughter …

[image of building in Singapore]
Operaman vacacione
In Singapore
Spray paint grafitti
Now mi buttcheeks are sore …

[image of 1040 income tax form]
Dat time of year-a
Tax time es here-a …
Mucho lira
Disappearra …
No deductions
Don’t get discourgi
I found out you can
Write off 976-ORGY …
Yahoo!

[image of former basketball player “Magic”Johnson]
Senore Johnson!
El coache!
Teacho shooto
Teacho bounco
Justa promise
[image of Johnson wearing broadcast announcer’sheadset]
No more announco …

[image of magician David Copperfield and model ClaudiaSchiffer]
Copperfield!
Coppa-feelo! …
Operaman no comprendo
Il dorko has hot girlfriendo …
If she like-ah magic
Mi take-ah classoh
En two weeks
Pull a rabbit out of my ass-oh …

[Cheers and applause as Operaman pulls a stuffed bunnyfrom his pants, tosses it away. Image of musical guestPearl Jam — instead of another aria, Operaman’s nextitem is an operatic parody of Pearl Jam’s song”Evenflow”]

Eeyo zama dama dingy dong
Operaman’s a big Pearl Jam fan-o
[image of Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder]
Whoa deeyo zaya moya ding doo
Eddie Vedder’s even better
Looking in person-o
Eeyo zama dama ding dong
I wish he didn’t have a girlfriend-o
Oh, no-a!
Eeyo I’m not saying I’m gay I’m just saying therecomes a time in every man’s life when he questions hisown sexuality!…
Oh no!

[cheers and applause]

I like-a to sing for you!
Dat’s-a-no lie!
Operaman, Bye Bye

[Huge cheers and applause. Operaman is pelted withroses.]

Kevin Nealon: Operaman, ladies andgentlemen!

[Kevin wipes tears from his eyes, rises and claps,saying “Bravo! Bravo!” etc. Operaman smells roses,waves, saying “Oh, yes!” “Thank you!” and “Grazi!”Kevin sits. Operaman exits.]

Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Operaman.Queer. That was great. …

Albany, New York has proposed a bill to change all its”dead end” street signs to the more genteel “cul desac.” In a related action, New York City will changeits “dead end” street signs to “Nice going. Nowyou gotta turn around, you stupid bastard.”…

Well, Mattell announced this week they’ll beintroducing a new Nancy Kerrigan doll. They said aTonya Harding doll is also in the works. Well,actually, it’s not a doll, it’s an action figure….

Actor Timothy Dalton has decided to quit playingSecret Service agent James Bond in the movies. Theannouncement reportedly left producers shaken, notstirred. … With Dalton stepping down, the search forthe new James Bond is on. Leading contenders includePierce Brosnan, Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell… or federal judge Jose Cabranes who would be thefirst Hispanic James Bond. …

New evidence this week was found. Scientists areexpected to use it to replace the old evidence….

The NASA launching of the world’s most sophisticatedstate-of-the-art weather satellite has been delayedthis week because of bad weather. [few laughs] More onthat story as it develops.

In art, the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam hasdiscovered nineteen previously unknown works by theDutch artist that he apparently printed over — orpainted over. The works were found by X-raying thecanvases and reflect a simpler, earlier technique andstyle of painting. [image of comic strip charactersNancy and Sluggo] …

Taking a look now at the national picture– [Kevinturns to glance at a map of the United States] Yeah,there it is. …

Female condoms went on sale here this week in theUnited States. The female condom is said to preventpregnancy by fitting snugly over a woman’s wine glass…. [applause]

And, in Miami, Madonna is suing a strip club owner fornaming his nightspot “Club Madonna.” The club ownerhas filed a countersuit claiming “Club Madonna” is notthe name of his club but simply a suggestion. …[applause]

And now our final story. Doctors say the cure forbaldness may be held in a prostate drug. The onlyknown side effect? A hairy ass. …

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

[Cheers and applause. Music. Kevin pretends to betaking notes with a pencil on top of the Update deskas we pull back and fade away.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 7th, 1994

John Goodman

The Pretenders

Jan Hooks

New York Governor’s Debate

Howard Stern (Michael McKean) and company make a mockery of gubernatorial
debate against Mario Cuomo (Phil Hartman).

Recurring Characters: Mario Cuomo, Howard Stern, Robin Quivers.

John Goodman’s Monologue

Goodman ‘fesses up to his mother about the naughty things he did as a child.

Majestic Caribbean Cruise Line

(Repeat) See: 04/09/93.

Captain Jim & Pedro

Dad (John Goodman) meets with the formerly shipwrecked Captain Jim (Tim Meadows)
and Pedro (Adam Sandler) before letting them date his daughters (Melanie Hutsell,
Sarah Silverman).

Recurring Characters: Captain Jim, Pedro.

NRA’s American Sportsman Today

Ron Wood (Mike Myers) and sportsmen mercilessly kill wild animals.

Recurring Characters: Ron Wood, Rush Limbaugh, Charlton Heston.

The Pretenders perform “Night In My Veins”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

David Spade comments on rock bands that don’t play their well-known hits at concerts.

Real Stories Of The Arkansas Highway Patrol

Arkansas state troopers help pick up girls for Governor Clinton (Phil Hartman).

“Cops” features domestic disturbance call to Arkansas governor’s mansion.

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.

Theatre Stories

Kenneth Rees Evans (Mike Myers) spaces out while interviewing his guests.

Recurring Characters: Kenneth Rees Evans, Christopher Walken.

Ninja Pep Talk

Ninjas try to retool their attack strategy after a failed evening.

Philadelphia Action Figures

(Repeat) See: 02/05/94.

Michael Bolton: In His Own Words

Michael Bolton (Kevin Nealon) presents more plagerized hits on new album.

The Pretenders perform “I’ll Stand By You”

Flintstones Names

Goodman converts famous names into their “Flintstones” format.

Psychotic Cab Ride

Cab driver (Rob Schneider) scares couple (John Goodman, Julia Sweeney)
with trivia about killer drivers.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

Michael Bolton: In His Own Words

Michael Bolton…..Kevin Nealon
Nat King Cole…..Tim Meadows

[open on Michael Bolton sitting on stool on a stage]

Announcer: Candlelight Records is proud to present…

Michael Bolton: [to the tune of “My Girl”]
“I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day.
Oh, when it’s cold outside
I’ve got the month of May..”

Announcer: The master of romantic songwriting…

Michael Bolton:
“I’ll.. bet.. you’ll.. say
What could make me feel this way?”

Announcer: Michael Bolton sings…

Michael Bolton:
“My girlfriend
My girlfriend
I’m talking about my girlfriend
My girlfriend.”

[dissolve to CD cover with image of Michael Bolton: “In His Own Words–The Original Songs of Michael Bolton”, and title below CD cover: “20 Original Michael Bolton Songs”]

Announcer: “In His Own Words–The Original Songs of Michael Bolton,” twenty original Michael Bolton songs, not just performed by Michael Bolton, but written by Michael Bolton himself, with no help from anyone else. Songs so unique and personal, they could only have been written by Michael Bolton.

[dissolve to Michael Bolton on stage with title: “Respectt,” and smaller title below: “Copywright 1994 Michael Bolton”]

Michael Bolton: [to the tune of “Respect”]
“R-E-S-P-E-C-T-T
Find out what it means to me me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T-T
Find out what it means to me
Respect-t, just a little bit
Respect-t..”

Announcer: Including, “I Heard it Through the Bushes.”

[title: “I Heard it Through the Bushes,” and smaller title below: “Copywright 1994 Michael Bolton”]

Michael Bolton: [to the tune of “I Heard it Through the Grapevine”]
“You should have told me yourself
That you found somebody else
Instead I heard it through the bushes.”

Announcer: And much, much more. All with that unique Michael Bolton songwriting touch that says, “This song was written by Michael Bolton.”

[title: “E-F-G,” and smaller title below: “Copywright 1994 Michael Bolton”]

Michael Bolton: [to the tune of “A-B-C”]
“E-F-G
Oh, it’s easy as 1-2-3
Oh baby, come dance with me
E-F-G
1-2-3
Baby, you and me.”

Announcer: And Michael’s classic duet with his father, Nat King Cole.

[title: “Inforgettable,” and smaller title below: “Copywright 1994 Michael Bolton”]

[black-and-white inset of Nat King Cole appears]

Michael Bolton and Nat King Cole: [to the tune of “Unforgettable”]
“Inforgettable
In every way
Inforgettable
That’s what they say.”

[dissolve to previous CD cover]

Announcer: Act now, and you’ll get the Michael Bolton album that changed music as we know it: [CD cover appears, with psychedelic band, covering previous cover] “Sgt. Michael Bolton’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.” Call 1-600-BOLTON-WROTE-IT8. [title with phone number] Operators are standing by. Every minute you waste, Michael is writing new songs. He can’t stop.

[dissolve to Michael Bolton sitting with a keyboard]

Michael Bolton: I’m Michael Bolton. I can prove I wrote every one of these songs. How? Because I never listened to any other music in my life, and I hope you won’t either. [winks] [picks out “Happy Birthday” on keyboard and nods approvingly]

[title and voice over by announcer: “All proceeds go to the Michael Bolton Defense Fund”]

Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

Psychotic Cab Ride

Man…..John Goodman
Cabdriver…..Rob Schneider
Woman…..Julia Sweeney
Officer…..Michael McKean

[ open on exterior footage of New York City streets – Night ]

[ couple enter cab ]

Man: 86th and Broadway, please.

Cabdriver: Alright.

[ meter starts running ]

Cabdriver: You guys like movie trivia.

Man: Uh.. sure. [ his wife giggles ]

Cabdriver: Okay. We all know Richard Harris starred in the movie “Camelot”, but who starred in the original Broadway production?

Woman: That’s easy – Richard Burton.

Cabdriver: Uh-huh. And how did he die?

Woman: I don’t know.

Cabdriver: Run down by a cabbie!

Man: [ surprised ] Really?

Cabdriver: Alright. What movie, and who said it: “Round up the usual suspects.”

Man: Uh.. “Casablanca”, and.. Claude Rains.

Cabdriver: That’s right. And how did he die in real life?

Man: I don’t know.

Cabdriver: Slain by a cabdriver! [ a beat ] Here’s a good one: what two Olympic champions play Tarzan in the movies? I’ll give you a hint – they were both cut in half by an insaner cabdriver.

Man: [ starting to get worried ] You know, I-I-I think we’re gonna get out here.

Cabdriver: No, no, we’re not there yet! Hey, you guys actors?

Couple: NO!!

Cabdriver: It’s too bad. I’d have you sign my book. [ a beat ] Okay. Here’s one: What was the North American location for the filming of “The Ten Commandments”, and what was the occupation of the man who buried seven bodies there?

Man: [ uncomfortable ] W-we really don’t know..

Cabdriver: [ laughing ] You’re gonna kick yourselves when I tell ya! The location was Niagrara Falls, and the psychotic killer burying the bodies was a cabdriver! So, you guys heading to a party tonight?

Man: We’re gonna see my friend’s band play at a club.

Cabdriver: You like music, huh? Here’s some music trivia: An original back-up singer for The Shirelles, suffocated in the trunk of what vehicle? What vehicle?

Woman: [ hesitant ] ..A taxi..?

Cabdriver: Bingo!

Man: We’re here! You can let us out now —

Cabdriver: I can’t let you out now – we’re on a roll. Let’s go around the block. Alright, this is a toughie: “Hair”. She starred in the Broadway musical and the movie. She also escaped from a deranged cabbie’s taxi after he tried to kill her with carbon monoxide fumes. She crawled six blocks to a phone, where she called the police. What was her name?

Man: I’m not sure, but you’re really gonna have to let us out.

Cabdriver: I’ll give you a clue – I’m the one who tried to kill her!

Woman: [ scared ] We don’t know! Just please let us out!

Cabdriver: [ chuckles ] Bonnie Franklin! [ stops cab ] Alright, here we are – 86th and Broadway.

Man: We’re nowhere near 86th and Broadway.

Cabdriver: Okay, have fun now.

Man: Okay.

Cabdriver: Alright..

[ Man attempts to pay the cabdriver’s fare ]

[ waves his hand ] Ah, this one’s on me. My pleasure! It was nice chatting with you guys! You guys are real trivia experts!

[ dissolve to exterior, police precinct ]

[ dissolve to interior, couple filing report with Officer ]

Officer: He didn’t tell you anything else?

Woman: No..

Officer: Where the bodies were buried, or anything like that?

Woman: No..

Officer: Alright, I just got one more question: Who played the original Timmy on “Lassie”.. and from what precinct was the police officer who fileted him and cooked him in his own juices?

[ close-up of Officer’s face, as he turns to the camera with a sinister smile ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

New York Governor’s Debate

Glenda Bach…..Melanie Hutsell
Gov. Mario Cuomo…..Phil Hartman
Robin Quivers…..Ellen Cleghorne
Howard Stern…..Michael McKean
Voice of Stern Supporter #1…..Jay Mohr
Voice of Stern Supporter #2…..Chris Farley
Reporter…..Sarah Silverman
Gary Dell’Abate…..Adam Sandler

Announcer: Live from the Empire State Civic Center in Albany: the 1994 New York Gubernatorial Debate. Sponsored by the League of Women Voters. Here is this eveing’s moderator, Chapter President Glenda Bach.

Glenda Bach: Thank you. We have with us, tonight, the two major candidates for the office of Governor. It is my great pleasure to introduce the Incumbent: Gov. Mario Cuomo.

[ Mario Cuomo very seriously steps up to his podium ]

Glenda Bach: And now, the Libertarian candidate, making his first run for public office..

[ Robin Quivers suddenly appears over Glenda’s shoulder ]

Robin Quivers: That’s alright, I’ll take it from here. Hi, I’m Robin Quivers! Ladies and gentlemen, the King of All Media, Creator of Fart-Man, and the next governor of New York – Howard Stern!

[ Howard Stern enters the arena, holding out his arms to receive the riotous applause from his loyal fans and supporters, then steps behind his podium ]

Howard Stern: Alright, very good! Thank you, Robin! Thank you all for turning up – nice turnout!

[ Mario Cuomo sighs ]

Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern..

Howard Stern: Yeah, it’s Howard, honey – what is it?

Glenda Bach: It’s customary to begin with the opening remarks from the Imcumbent.

Howard Stern: For him? Yeah, alright. JUst, uh.. just make it snappy, huh? I’m a busy man!

[ Robin laughs sycophantly at Howard’s comments ]

Glenda Bach: Fine. Governor Cuomo?

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Thank you, Brenda. My decision.. to run a third time as Governor of the state of New York.. was prompted by my convictions-

[ Howard Stern begins to laugh rudely at Cuomo’s use of the word “convictions” in a sentence; Robin joins in laughing along with Howard ]

Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern, I’ll have to ask you to wait your turn?

Howard Stern: Yeah, I know, but, listen – I heard him talking about “convictions”, I gotta laugh! I mean, if the guy had any convictions, ah.. you know, he’d be putting murderers in the gas chamber! Where they belong!

[ Robin can’t help but to laugh, as though on command ]

Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern!

Howard Stern: Just stuff them all in there at once, make their parents watch!

Robin Quivers: [ laughing like crazy ] Oh, Howard..!

Howard Stern: Come on, it’s all in my book!

Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern, please! This is the Governor’s time!

Howard Stern: Alright, don’t get your panties in a bunch! Let’s let him talk.

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Thank you. ..The conviction.. that our work is only half-done.. Now, we’ve made great strides economically.. socially..

Voice of Stern Supporter #1: We love you, Howard!!!

Voice of Stern Supporter #2: Stern rules!!! Woooooo!!

Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ annoyed ] ..and politically.. to bring this great state.. back into the high.. position of prominence that it-

[ Howard Stern interrupts with a belch, as Robin laughs ]

Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ tries to continue ] ..The high position of-

Howard Stern: I don’t know what is wrong with my stomach!

Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ still trying ] ..The high position of prominence that we once–

Robin Quivers: Well, what did you eat today?

Howard Stern: The same thing I eat every day: a broiled chicken breast – no skin – and a baked potato.

Robin Quivers: Oh, wow! Did you have any coffee?

Howard Stern: I don’t drink coffee!

Robin Quivers: [ laughing ] Well, then I don’t know!

Howard Stern: I don’t know, either!

Glenda Bach: Governor Cuomo, the time allotted for your opening remarks is up.

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Well, Glenda, that’s not fair. I’ve been interrupted continuously by Mr. Stern from the very beginning – now, you know that!

Howard Stern: Ah, don’t be such a crybaby! Let me show you how it’s done! Hello, I’m Howard Stern, I’m the Libertarian candidate. I’m here to touch on three things! One: bring back the death penalty, so we can get rid of some of this human garbage that we got wandering around the streets! Uh, Two: do something about these freakin’ potholes I gotta drive over on my way to work! And Three, something I feel very, very strongly about: The new Strawberry-Kiwi Cocktail from Snapple! [ holds up a bottle ] Really. This stuff is so good, I-I-I can’t even describe how good it is! Here, take a slug, Mario! [ Cuomo holds his hand up in resistence ] Come on, taste it, it’s good, you’ll like it, it’s delicious, go ahead!

Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ takes a sip, seeming to find it refreshing ] It’s very good.

Howard Stern: Alright, so you’re not a complete jerk!

[ Robin laughs like a hyena ]

Glenda Bach: That completes our opening remarks. We will now take questions from the audience. [ looks to the sea of reporters ] You have a question.

[ an attractive female reporter stands ]

Reporter: Yes, I do. Phyllis Comfort, Newsday. What would you propose..

Howard Stern: [ excited ] Oh, man! You are hot! You got a hot little body on you, you know that? Turn around, let me see you from the back, honey!

Reporter: Actually, I’m here to ask a question.

Howard Stern: Well, if I get the right answer, will you take your top off? [ laughs ]

Reporter: The Teachers’ Pension has been frozen at its current rate since 1990. As governor, what action would you recommend in this matter?

Howard Stern: I, uh..

[ Howard’s producer, Gary Dell’Abate, steps up to Howard’s podium ]

Gary Dell’Abate: How-howard..?

Howard Stern: Yeah, what is it, Fafa Fooie?

Gary Dell’Abate: Howard.. the car’s here to take you to Hartford. Um.. you’re doing a funeral for the WXRM morning man you destroyed.

Howard Stern: Alright, alright, very good. Uh, thanks, everybody, for turning out, I gotta go! Listen, I got a couple of plugs, a couple of plugs here! Uh.. you can catch Jackie The Joke-Man at The Comedy Pouch, in Newark, this Friday and Saturday.. don’t forget to order my new video – 1-600-52-HOWARD.. and, uh.. oh yeah, one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

Flintstones Names

…..John Goodman

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: The following is a public service announcement from the producers of “The Flintstones”.

[ dissolve to John Goodman dressed as Fred Flintstone on rock set ]

John Goodman: Hello. I’m John Goodman. Those of you familiar with “The Flintstones” have probably noticed that the characters often have names involving stones and rocks, such as Fred Flintstone, Barney Rubble, and even Mr. Slate. Obviously, this can be quite disconcerting to viewers here in the 20th Century. So I’m here tonight to uexplain the key to understanding Flintonstones names. You know, it’s actually quite simple. You see.. you just take a name, add the word “stone” or “rock” to it, and.. [ snaps finger ] presto! You’re a citizen of Bedrock!

[ holds up rock slab with “Roseanne Arnold” on it ] For example, my good friend Roseanne Arnold, in the Flintstones world, would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Roseanne Arnstone. Understand?

[ holds up rock slab with “Eric Johnson” on it ] While, if your name were Eric Johnson, you would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Eric Rockson.

[ holds up rock slab with “Lewis Bowen” on it ] And Lewis Bowen would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Louis Boulder. You get it! It’s that simple!

[ holds up rock slab with “Sharon Stone” on it ] Now, if Sharon Stone lived in Bedrock, her name would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Sharon Miller.

[ holds up rock slab with “Stone Phillips” on it ] While newsman Stone Phillips would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Jason Phillips.

[ holds up rock slab with “Rocky Marciano” on it ] Rocky Marciano, if he were still alive, would be known as.. [ flips slab over ] ..Rocky Johnson.

[ holds up rock slab with “Chris Farley” on it ] And our own Chris Farley would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Chris Rock.

[ holds up rock slab with “Tony Curtis” on it ] Actor Tony Curtis, in the world of The Flintstones, would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Bernie Schwartz.

[ holds up rock slab with “Oliver Stone” on it ] And, finally, Oliver Stone would be known as.. [ flips slab over ] ..Rock McStoneyrock.

[ holds up rock slab with “The Rolling Stones” on it ] Now.. The Rolling Stones would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..The Who.

[ holds up rock slab with “Rocky” on it ] The movie “Rocky” would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..”Rocky 2″.

[ holds up rock slab with “Rocky 2” on it ] “Rocky 2” would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..”Rocky 3″.

[ holds up rock slab with “Rocky 3” on it ] And “Rocky 3” would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..The Rocky Horror Picture Rock”.

[ holds up rock slab with “Hamburger” on it ] A hamburger would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..a brontosaurus burger.

[ holds up rock slab with “Brontosaurus” on it ] While a brontosaurus would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..a triceratops.

[ holds up rock slab with “Triceratops” on it ] A triceratops would be.. [ flips slab over to reveal a drawing of a triceratops with passengers ] ..a city bus, and people would ride on its back!

I hope this clears things up. [ holds up rock slab with “John Goodman” on it ] I’m John Goodman, or you can call me by my Flintstones name.. [ flips slab over ] ..John D. Rockefeller.

Thank you.

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: This has been a public service announcement. But you can call it “a stone service rock.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

Goodnights

…..John Goodman

John Goodman: Thanks for coming, you’ve been a great audience! Thank The Pretenders! Good night, everybody, and Happy Mother’s Day!

SNL Transcripts

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

John Goodman’s Monologue

…..John Goodman

John Goodman: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the fifth time! Now, as you know, tomorrow’s Mother’s Day. So, if you don’t mind.. I’d like to deliver a special message to my mother.

Mom? Growing up, you always taught me that honesty was the best policy. So now, for Mother’s Day, I’ve decided to give you the gift of truth.

Do you remember that blue vase with the hand-painted buttercups on it? Aaannndd you never figured out what happened to it? Well, I was playing Catch in the house, and I broke it. Phew! Okay, that wasn’t so bad! Let’s keep going!

Mom? You know how, in second grade, when I told you I lost my report card? Well, I threw it out because I failed Spelling.

And.. do you remember the time you left me in the parking lot, locked in the car with the windows all rolled up? I’m the one who broke the side window. It was just so hot in there. I couldn’t breathe! Also, I changed all the stations on the radio.

Oh! And you know that tiem you made me go to school for a week wearing a dress, because you’d wished you’d had a girl? Well, I have to confess, I only wore it for the first two days. The other days, I changed at a gas station. Not into pants or anything, but another dress; one that was more flattering.

And, Mom? Remember how you kept Grandma locked in the basement, because she was.. bad? Well, I used to sneak her food. I’m sorry.

And, one last thing. That time you took me for that long drive in the middle of the night, then.. dumped me on the side of the highway, and.. as you drove away, you screamed, “See ya, see ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!” Well, the truth is, I didn’t walk home; I hitched. And I know you told me never to hitch. Sorry.

Phew! Well, there you go, Mom! I hope you have it in that great big heart of yours to firgive me. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom, I love you.

Now, it’s gonna be a great show! The Pretenders are here, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

Ninja Pep Talk

Ninja Mike…..Mike Myers
Ninja Rob…..Rob Schneider
Ninja Dave…..David Spade
Ninja Leader…..John Goodman
Elder Ninja…..Phil Hartman
Ninja Throwing Star Enthusiast…..Michael McKean
Ninja Steve…..Tim Meadows
Punctured Ninja…..Adam Sandler
Nervous Ninja…..Chris Farley

[ open on stock footage of ninjas getting their asses kicked out on the streets]

[ dissolve to the beaten ninjas limping into their hideout, trying to figure out what went wrong ]

Ninja Mike: Ow..! That.. was humiliating!

Ninja Rob: Hey – thanks for backing me up out there!

Ninja Mike: Excuse me – but what am I supposed to do when this guy’s falling down on top of me!

Ninja Dave: Like that was my idea! That guy picked me up and threw me! I think I jammed my thumb..

Ninja Rob: [ mocking ] Oh.. I think I jammed my thumb..!

[ Ninja Leader quiets the rowdy group down ]

Ninja Leader: Okay, guys, pointing fingers won’t solve anything. Now, if we want to get out of this rut.. we have to learn from these little disasters. Now, before the fight, how did we all agree we should attack the guy?

Group: All together!

Ninja Leader: And how did we attack?

Group: One at a time..

Ninja Leader: That’s right. Now, what else went wrong?

Elder Ninja: Uh.. something I know I do all the time – when the guy’s back is turned, I try to sneak up behind him.

Ninja Rob: What’s wrong with that? That makes sense!

Elder Ninja: Well.. nine times out of ten, when I’m right behind him, he gives me one of these – whack!

[ the group groans in agreement ]

Nervous Ninja: Another thing that never seems to work is.. yelling when you run up to him.

Ninja Throwing Star Enthusiast: Even a really fierce yell? [ screams primally ]

Ninja Leader: Does not work. Just lets ’em know yo’re coming.

Ninja Rob: I stopped yelling years ago. Steve? I’ve got a pointer for you: when I’m running at the guy, at full speed, don’t you run from the opposite direction. He’s just gonna step aside, and we’re gonna run into each other and bump heads! Again!

Ninja Steve: I hear that!

Ninja Leader: That must have happened five or six times today. And the thing you may not realize, Steve, is that after you’re unconcious, he’s picking you up and using you as a club to hit the rest of us!

Ninja Steve: [ fascinated ] Really?!

Ninja Leader: Oh, yeah! And you nearly broke my jaw with the back of that head of yours! [ chuckles ] Anyway, let’s put tonight behind us.. and focus on the future. Any new ideas?

Elder Ninja: Well, you know, I’ve been thinking that maybe these uniforms aren’t helping us, you know? There’s no way to surprise a guy in these things, they just scream ninja!

Ninja Mike: Yeah, yeah! What if we wore something more nondescript, like, uhh.. mailman outfits!

Ninja Leader: [ shaking head ] I don’t know.. I-I think if a guy sees a dozen mailmen coming after him, he’s gonna know something’s up.

Ninja Rob: We could carry letters! And packages!

Ninja Mike: Uh, yeah – addressed to who?

Ninja Rob: It doesn’t matter! Occupant! Whatever!

[ the group breaks into a spirit of dissention ]

Ninja Leader: Okay.. okay.. okay..! Let’s not get bogged down! Any other ideas?

[ an excited ninja stands, holding a throwing star ]

Ninja Throwing Star Enthusiast: Well, I’ll tell you, I’m gonna say it again. I think we are really underestimating these throwing stars. You know, I had a couple of near hits tonight. I think if we made room in the budget to buy more throwing stars.. it’s really gonna help us out.

[ a ninja stands to reveal that he’s been stabbed repeatedly by misguided throwing stars ]

Punctured Ninja: Uh.. I think, uh.. before we get any more throwing stars, uh.. you should try to concentrate on accuracy.

Ninja Leader: Uh, you want some ice or something for that?

Punctured Ninja: No, thanks.. I’m trying not to, uh.. think about it..

[ a nervous ninja stands ]

Nervous Ninja: Well, I got an idea.. If, um.. what if.. we all wore, like, spikes on our stomachs.. so.. that.. when a guy goes to kick you.. he’ll, uh.. he’ll get, like, spikes in his foot!

Ninja Leader: [ thinking ] You know.. that’s the first really intelligent thing anyone’s said today! Now, does someone have a pen? We should write that down. [ no one in the group can find a pen ] Alright, never mind.. now, you know what we should do right now? Go out, as a group, find someone, and beat him up! It doesn’t have to be anyone special! Just.. the first guy we see down in the lobby! We’re really gonna pull it together, and beat him up as a team! It’ll be a real confidence builder! Now, are you with me?!

Nervous Ninja: Let’s get on it!! Let’s do it this time!!

[ now psyched, the ninjas exit the hideout, ready for some action ]

[ dissolve to stock footage of the ninjas exiting an elevator, and attacking the first person they see. One by one, this stranger attacks and beats up every member of the ninja team. ]

Voiceover: [ over scrolling SUPER ] “The plucky ninjas never gave up. Over the years, they fought many more battles, never actually winning but often coming very close. Perhaps most important, the lessons they learned, and the friendships they formed as ninjas, lasted the rest of their lives.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

“Real Stories of the Arkansas Highway Patrol”

Terry Gamble…..John Goodman
State Trooper Glenn McRae…..Michael McKean
Gov. Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Dispatcher’s Voice…..Ellen Cleghorne
State Trooper Warren Christopher…..Rob Schneider
Officer #1…..Kevin Nealon
Officer #2…..Jay Mohr
Hillary Clinton…..Jan Hooks

Announcer: Tonight, ride with the state troopers of Arkansas on.. “Real Stories of the Arkansas Highway Patrol”.

[ dissolve to Terry Gamble standing in the center of police precinct ]

Terry Gamble: Welcome to “Real Stories of the Arkansas Highway Patrol”. I’m Terry Gamble. As always, the events you see tonight are as they actually happened, videotaped in the field. In our first segment, we follow Arkansas State Trooper Glenn MacRae, as he pulls over a 1988 Mustang. At the wheel – a 25-year old co-ed from the University of Arkansas, with an okay face but a killer body.

[ dissolve to the scene ]

State Trooper Glenn McRae: Good evening, ma’am!

Female Motorist: Hello, Officer.

State Trooper Glenn McRae: May I see your license and registraton, please? [ Woman hands over the items; McRae looks at them with much disappointment ] Do you have a picture of yourself wearing a swimsuit or an exerise leotard?

Female Motorist: No.. I don’t think so..

State Trooper Glenn McRae: Step out of the car, please! [ Woman steps out of her car ] Ma’am, I’m gonna ask you to walk up and down alongside the vehicle several times. Please, right now. [ Woman walks up and down alongside her car ] Alright, that’s fine. Please arch your back! [ Woman arches her back stiffly ] That’s better. [ holds up pencil ‘Alright, ma’am, I’m gonna drop this pencil on the ground. Facing away from the patrol car behind us, I would like you to, uh.. bend over at the waist and pick it up. Do you understand?

Female Motorist: Yes.

[ Woman bends over to pick up pencil; McRae turns to face his patrol car, as the camera zooms in to finally receive Governor Clinton sitting in the back seat, thumbs up, with a huge, mischievious grin on his face ]

State Trooper Glenn McRae: Alright, ma’am, everything seems to check out fine. Would you be interested in going back to the patrol car, and performing a sex act on the governor?

Female Motorist: Uh.. sure! I guess so!

[ dissolve to still photo of State Trooper Glenn McRae, with SUPER over photo ]

Announcer: Trooper Glenn MacRae was awarded a Citation for Valour, from the Governor of Arkansas himself. To this day, no other state trooper has received so high an honor.

[ dissolve back to Terry Gamble at the police precinct ]

Terry Gamble: Every trooper who’s served on the Arkansas Highway Patrol dreads that certain phone, usually coming late at night. It’s probably the hardest and most gut-wrenching part of his job. In our final segment, a state trooper gets that call.

[ dissolve to the scene, state trooper in his patrol car ]

Dispatcher’s Voice: I’ve got Mrs. Clinton on the line. I’m gonna patch you through.

[ phone rings ]

State Trooper Warren Christopher: [ picks up ] Hello..? Yes, ma’am..! He’s not at the mansion? [ Clinton’s worried head rises away from the sexual act he’s performing in the back seat ] You’re sure..? Well, then, I’ll bet you anything he’s working late.. at the office.. Well, you know, those phones are so screwed up there.. You’ll call, and it’ll ring, and ring, and you’ll think there’s nobody there.. when, in fact, they are there.. working..! Because they-they can’t hear the-the phone.. ringing.. Yeah, but they, uh.. they can’t hear it.. ringing. Can you excuse me for one second..? [ whispering to the governor ] She’s not buying it! [ Clinton shrugs ] Anyway.. I’m sure that’s where he is.. at the office.. Oh, you’re at the office? [ pulls out his gun and fires it to feign injury ] Ow! Ow, I’ve been shot! Mrs. Clinton, I’ve been shot! Ow!

[ Clinton gives state trooper the thumbs-up for a job well done ]

[ dissolve to still photo of State Trooper Warren Christopher, with SUPER over photo ]

Announcer: Trooper Warren Christopher left the Highway Patrol in 1993. He is now Secretary of State.

[ dissolve back to Terry Gamble at the police precinct ]

Announcer: That’s all for tonight’s edition of “Real Stories Of The Arkansas Highway Patrol”. Let’s see what’s coming up later tonight, on “COPS”.

[ dissolve to “COPS” title card ]

Announcer: Tonight: “COPS” takes you to the streets of Little Rock, Arkansas.

[ dissolve to Officer #1 driving patrol car ]

Officer #1: 10-4. Right now, we got a domestic disturbance call. This is about the third call we’ve had this month at the same address. We gotta check ’em all out.

[ two officers approach the back door of Governor’s Mansion ]

Officer #1: [ knocks on door ] Governor Clinton? We got some complaints about a domestic disturbance?

Bill Clinton: There’s nothing wrong! Beat it!

Officer #1: You can open up the door now or not, sir, but we’re coming in.

[ door is opened ]

Officer #1: [ sighs ] Alright, sir, you wanna tell us what happened here?

Bill Clinton: Nothing.

Officer #1: Nothing! It doesn’t look like nothing to me! She beat you up pretty good, didn’t she?

Bill Clinton: No one beat me up.

Officer #1: No one beat you up, huh? Hmm. Then, what happened, then?

Bill Clinton: [ hesitant ] Fell down.

Officer #1: You fell down? Well, that’s not what it sounded like to the neighbors. They said they heard quite a brawl going on oer here!

Bill Clinton: I don’t know.

Officer #1: You don’t know? You don’t know. Where’s your wife, sir?

Bill Clinton: I don’t know.

Officer #1: You don’t know much, do you, sir?

Bill Clinton: I don’t know..

[ Second Officer puts his ear against closet door ]

Officer #2: Bobby, it sounds like there’s somebody in here..

Bill Clinton: [ defensive ] Nobody’s in there! That’s just a closet!

Officer #2: [ knocking on closet door ] Mrs. Clinton, could you come out here, please?

[ the sound of a pot hitting the floor ]

Officer #2: Mrs. Clinton, we know you’re in there!

[ the closet door slowly opens, as a mussed Hillary Clinton teeters out, clutching a bottle of whiskey ]

Officer #1: Well, ma’am! you did quite a number on him, didn’t you?

Hillary Clinton: I guess so.

Officer #1: You guess so? Huh! I guess so, too! You been drinking tonight, ma’am?

Hillary Clinton: A l’il bit.

Officer #1: Now, ma’am, when’s this gonna stop? [ Hillary looks away ] Look at me! Look at me when I’m talking to you, don’t look away! When’s this gonna stop?

Hillary Clinton: I don’t know.

Officer #1: You don’t know? Well, I’ll tell you something – this is the fifth or sixth time we’ve come down here this month, and we’re getting a ltitle tired of it. [ turns to Bill ] Do you wanna press charges for assault?

Bill Clinton: Nah, that’s okay..

Officer #1: Well, I can tell you, sir, you know.. unless you press charges, we can’t do nothing about it. Now.. she’s gonna keep on doing this. And, one of these days, sir, she’s gonna kill you.

Bill Clinton: [ smirks ] But.. she loves me.

Officer #1: Well, she sure do got a funny way of showing it!

Bill Clinton: I guess.

Officer #1: You guess.

[ dissolve back to Officer #1 driving patrol car ]

Boy, I tell ya – doing this job, you see things like that that just.. break your heart. That is so pitiful. That is just sad. Well.. there’s nothing we can do, I guess.

[ dissolve to “COPS” title card ]

Announcer: Tonight. On “COPS”.

SNL Transcripts