High Stakes Japanese Game Show – Revised and translated

This is a heavily revised version of the one currently posted; it addresses omissions/transcription errors, but more importantly translates the Japanese where possible.

Note: As the actors are not fluent Japanese speakers, sometimes names are a bit off and pronunciation makes it next to impossible to determine the precise meaning.

Narrator: And now, from Tokyo, it’s “Quiz Kings”! Here’s your host, Nakadai Toshiro-san!
Nakdai: Okay, hi! Hello, everyone. It certainly is hot outside, isn’t it? Kotara-san, Kotara-san… You’re looking as lovely as always.
Kotara: Toshiro-san… Oh, you. I swear!
Nakadai: All right. Well, let’s move on to Takashi Akira-san. You’ve won [6 million yen] already. That’s incredible.
Akira: [I’ve never seen anyone win so much!]
Nakadai: Okay, okay. Let’s introduce the challengers. Nakida Sanshira-san. Hello!
(Blows her a kiss)
Sanshira: As always, [unintelligible].
Nakadai: And finally, from “Mil-wau-kee, Wis-con-sin” … Rarry Tenperuton-san. Greetings, yes!
Templeton: (Confused) I-I’m sorry. I don’t speak Japanese.
Nakadai: Rarry-san, yes! A brief introduction, please.
Templeton: I-I don’t understand. There’s been a little mistake. Uh…
Nakadai: (Unintelligible, followed by laughter)
Templeton: (Laughing politely) You see, my wife Mary and I are here on vacation. It’s a lovely country, everyone’s been great. Anyhoo, the concierge at the hotel said, “Do you wanna go to a game show?” Well-
Nakadai: Wonderful, just wonderful! Okay, let’s begin. Question No. 1…
Templeton: See, I thought she meant see a game show, not BE on a game show! Big mistake. BIG mistake!
Nakadai: Thank you.
Kotara: Not at all.
Nakadai: Thank you. Thank you! Thank you.
Kotara: Yes.
Nakadai: Question No. 1: How many keys does a piano have: 70 (nanajuu), 100 (hyaku), or 88 (hachijuuhachi)? Akira-san!
Akira: 70?
(Buzzer sounds)
Nakadai: Aah, no, that’s wrong. That’s wrong. Sanshira-san!
Sanshira: 100?
(Buzzer sounds)
Nakadai: Yeah, that’s wrong again. Rarry-san?
Templeton: Me? I don’t know. I-I’m sorry… Does anybody here speak English? Do you guys speak English? I…
Nakadai: Rarry-san: 70 (nanajuu), 100 (hyaku), or 88 (hachijuuhachi)?
Templeton: Can I pass? You know what, I pass! Uh…
Nakadai: Nanajuu, hyaku, or hachijuuhachi?
Templeton: Hachi… juuhachi? I…
(Larry wins Y50,000; Audience cheers)
Nakadai: Correct, correct! That’s correct!
Nakadai: Correct. Rarry-san, [congratulations, that’s right].
Templeton: (Pleased and surprised) Really?! All right, well… Kanuka! Kanuka! (Nonsense Japanese)
Nakadai: Thank you, thank you. Second question. [Oh, this time, you have to write.] Does Kagemusha give you the willies, or does Godzilla? Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.
Templeton: I-I’m sorry – “Cage Moosh”?
Nakadai: Does Kagemusha gives you the willies, or does Godzilla?
Templeton: Oh! (Writes his answer)
(Timer goes off)
Nakadai: [That’s time!] Akira-san!
Akira: Kagemusha?
Nakadai: Aah, that’s no good That’s wrong. Kotara-san?
(His answer being wrong, Akira takes a knife and napkin provided by the co-host, and…)
Akira: Not at all. (Probably meant to mean “My apologies.”)
(Akira slices his right pinky off)
Templeton: (Distraught] OH MY GOD! DO YOU SEE THAT?!
(Nakadai laughs, says something unintelligible)
Nakadai: Sanshira-san!
Sanshira: Kagemusha?
(Buzzer sounds)
Nakadai: No, no good. No good at all. Not good.
(Sanshira complies with game show rules and slices her pinky off as well)
Sanshira: Hya!
Templeton: GOOD LORD! What in the name of all that’s sacred?!
Nakadai: Okay, okay! Rarry-san? (Reaches for written answer)
Templeton: (Pulls answer away, shaking) You know what? I shouldn’t be here.
Nakadai: Rarry-san…
Rarry: Call the concierge!
Nakadai: Rarry-san… Rarry-san!
Templeton: Call the concierge!
Nakadai Rarry! Rarry-san! (Grabs answer and pulls it from Larry)
Templeton: “Docky-docky” something!
(Nakadai reads the answer, looking as if he’s going to break into laughter)
Nakadai: “Godzilla”?
Templeton: I-I didn’t…
Nakadai: Godzilla? Godzilla. You think it’s Godzilla… You’re correct!
(Buzzer sounds; Templeton is correct and has just won Y200,000)
Nakadai: You’re correct! That’s correct. Rarry-san, you’ve certainly won a lot. That’s 20,000 yen!
Templeton: Really? Well, that was great. Thank you very much, I guess!
Nakadai: Let’s move on to [unintelligible]!
(Audience repeats)
Templeton: Two thousand d… yen?! How much is that in dollars?
(Cheering as Larry is led to the Bonus Round, which consists of him being bound in chains and an electrical device attached via jumper cables to his crotch)
Templeton: Hey, excuse me, I won. What the heck are you doing here? Hey, just a second… Just a second here!
(Nakadai laughs as he pulls out a new set of question cards)
Nakadai: [Unintelligible] You know?
Templeton: MOTHER OF MERCY, I DON’T SPEAK JAPANESE!
Nakadai: Now for the next question.
Templeton: MARY, CALL THE AMERICAN EMBASSY!
Nakadai: When it comes to children’s nursery songs, who is always sure to be sitting?
(PS: Answer = The child, on the parent’s lap)
Templeton: I DON’T KNOW!
(Nakadai prepares to pull electrical switch)
Templeton: NO, WAIT! Wait, wait, wait! I… I know it, I know it. Um… uh, Kwa… ki… sur-… pi… ni… ku?
Nakadai: What? “Kwakisurpiniku”?
Templeton: (Confident)Yes! Kwakisurpiniku!
Emcee: Judges! What do you say?
(Surly-looking judges shake heads no)
Templeton: (Desperate) Kwakisurpiniku! Kwakisurpiniku!
(Gong sounds)
Nakadai: No, that’s wrong. Too bad. No good. The answer was, “Kwa-ki-sur-pi-PI-ku.”
(Nonsensical)
(Nakadai pulls the switch, shocking Larry)
Templeton: No! AAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!
Nakadai: Well, that’s all we have time for.
(Rest of dialogue is drowned out as Nakadai, Kotara, and the other two contestants dance the show out)

Index of /94

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Good Morning, Brooklyn!


Good Morning, Brooklyn!

Angela Toochie…..Courtney Cox
James Barone…..Jay Mohr
Anthony…..Michael McKean
Angelo…..Adam Sandler
Molly Fahey…..Molly Shannon
Hot Dog Vendor…..Chris Farley


James Barone: Hi, hello, and welcome to “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” I’m your host, James Barone. How ARE ya, Brooklyn?! Huh?!

Angela Toochie: Good morning, Brooklyn! I’m Angela Toochie!

James Barone: Oh, yeah, I forgot – that’s my co-host, Angeler!

Angela Toochie: Yeah, don’t me any favors, alright? I can introduce myself!

James Barone: See, Angeler’s a little ticked off, because I didn’t mention nothin’ about her gettin’ engaged. Yawn!

Angela Toochie: Aw, don’t be an ass, James, alright! Let’s get started!

James Barone: Shut up! First off, this morning, our friend Ant’ny’s gonna come out and tell us what the weather report is!

Angela Toochie: Come on out, Ant’ny!

[ Anthony appears at the weather map ]

Anthony: Hey! How ya doin’, James? Hey! Congratulations, Angela, he’s a lucky bastard! Let’s have a look at that ring again, huh!

Angela Toochie: Yeah! Could we get a close-up of that!

James Barone: Oh, shut up!

Angela Toochie: No, you shut up!

James Barone: No, you shut up!

Angela Toochie: No, you shut up!

James Barone: No, you

[ cut to few seconds of “Please Stand By” graphic ]

James Barone: Okay.. okay, we’re back now. Now, we’re back. Alright, Ant’ny, now you were about to tell us what the weather report was like.

Anthony: What, outside? Oh.. it ain’t good, James, it’s hot as a bastard!

James Barone: A’ight. A’ight, Ant’ny, how ’bout tomorrow?

Anthony: Uh, tomorrow’s also gonna be hotter than a bastard!

Angela Toochie: All over the country?

Anthony: No, no.. See, Angela – see, every part of the country’s got what they call their own weather system. Like, up in Canada, it’s cold as a bastard! Out in Seattle, it rains like bastard! Down in Texas, it’s muggy as a bastard! I gotta go.

Angela Toochie: Ant’ny, where you going?

Anthony: I’m done!

Angela Toochie: Alright, fine! Then let’s bringout our old friend Angelo, with a new segment we got, called “Beatin’ of the Week”.

James Barone: A’ight, here’s how it goes, Brooklyn. Angelo tells us who needs a beatin’ this week, you give him that beatin’, you win a awesome prize, alright! Angelo! Come on out, bro!

[ Angelo storms into the set, still yelling at someone outside the studio ]

Angelo: No, no, no – you suck my ass! [ sits next to James ] Morning there, James. Congratulations, Angela, lemme see that ring thing. [ Angela holds out her hand ] Oh, my God! Anthony told me that thing was bigger than a bastard!

James Barone: Alright, enough with the ring, now, come on – Angelo, who’s gettin’ a beatin’ this week, and why?

Angelo: I don’t know his name, but he works at a concession stand outside the aquarium. I think we got a picture of him.

[ picture shows an obese hot dog vendor, posed like he’s staring into oncoming headlights ]

James Barone: Oh, God!

Angela Toochie: Look at that mutt!

James Barone: Oh, now that guy needs a beatin’!

Angela Toochie: Now, what did this fat bastard do to serve his beatin?!

Angelo: I pull up to the aquarium, I’m in my brand-new Z-28 IROC, and this tub of lard goes up to me, “You know what IROC stands for?” I says, “No.” He says, “Italian Retard Out Cruisin'”.

Angela Toochie: He said that?!

Angelo: He said it to me!!

James Barone: Oh, my God, that guy deserves a beatin’!

Angela Toochie: Alright, Brooklyn, you keep your eye out for that hump! He’s your beatin’ of the week!

James Barone: Alright, that’s right! First person to put this stugatz in the hospital wins free sausage and peppers, courtesy of.. Pollianella & Sons Little Red House of Sausage & Peppers. And we got a special thanks goin’ out to St. Rita’s Hospital on Livonia Ave. for donatin’ the room and the IV for this week’s Beatin’ of the Week!

Angela Toochie: Alright, thanks, Angelo!

James Barone: Alright, now it’s time to go down to the street for today’s Trivia Question, with our rovin’ reporter Molly Fahey.

Angela Toochie: Talk to us, Molly!

Molly Fahey: Hi, guys!

James Barone: Hey, Molly, let me ask you something – I’ve been thinkin’, right? Fehey – that ain’t an Italian name, is it?

Molly Fahey: Mmm.. no, but it’s Catholic.

James Barone: A’ight, good enough. A’ight, Molly, do your stuff!

Molly Fahey: A’ight. [ approaches Hot Dog Vendor ] Uh.. excuse me, sir..

Hot Dog Vendor: Hi, how are ya?

Molly Fahey: Good. I’m Molly Fahey, from “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” and today’s Trivia Question-

James Barone: [ excited ] Oh, my God! Molly!

Angela Toochie: That’s the fat bastard!!

James Barone: Molly!! Oh, my god!!

Angela Toochie: That’s him!!

James Barone: Molly! Can you hear me?! That guy’s the Beatin’ of the Week!

Molly Fahey: [ excited ] No kidding! What’s the prize?!

Angela Toochie: Sausage and peppers at Pollianella’s!

Hot Dog Vendor: Good morning, Brooklyn! [ laughs ] How are ya! Hey, ya got some kinda question to ask me, or what?

Molly Fahey: Uh.. yeah, I do! [ gives Hot Dog Vendor the Beatin’ of the Week ] Bring on the sausage and peppers, James – I think I killed the fat bastard!

James Barone: You did beootyful, Molly – beootyful!

Angela Toochie: Yeah, congratulations! And, don’t worry, we’ll have that trivia question for ya’s tomorrow!

Molly Fahey: Alright, thanks, youse guys!

Angela and James: No! Fuggetaboutit!

Angela Toochie: Alright, that’s all the time we got!

James Barone: Join us tomorrow on “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” Mr. Meatball is stopping by, he’s gonna show us how to make Turkey Meatballs! And, by the way, Angela – okay, you win. I must say congratulations on your happiness.

Angela Toochie: Ah, shut up!

James Barone: You shut up!

Angela Toochie: No, you shut up!

[ cue up title card, fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Gapardy


Gapardy

Debbie Luciano…..Courtney Cox
Lucy…..Adam Sandler
Kristy…..David Spade
Cindy…..Chris Farley


Announcer: And now, it’s time for “Gapardy”. With your host, the former Gap Girl, and now manager of Urban Outfitters in Shreveport, Louisiana, Debbie Luciano!

Debbie Luciano: Hi, and welcome to “Gapardy” – the show that’s a lot like “Jeopardy”, except all our contestants work at.. The Gap. Now, before we start, let’s meet our players.

Lucy: My name’s Lucy Brawn, I work at the Gap store 214. I’m from Sunnyvale, California, my favorite band is Green Day! Yeah!!

Debbie Luciano: Okay, that sounds good. By the way – nice facial hair, you look like Tom Selleck.

Lucy: [ offended laughter ] Yeah, well.. you.. look like his friend who.. used to be in the helicopter..

Debbie Luciano: That’s a good comeback. Why don’t you have another Slim Jim? Alright, so who do we have here?

Kristy: My name is Kristy Anderson, and I’m from Tempe, Arizona, and I work at Gap store 214 with Lucy, and my favorite band is Pearl Jam! Rock on!

Debbie Luciano: Yeah! What do you guys sell over there at store 214, acid-washed jeans and stuff?

Kristy: Uh.. easy, cheesie. I think you’re confusing us with Merry-Go-Round. [ laughs ] By the way, Debbie, nice fake blue contacts.

Debbie Luciano: Oh, I hate to break it to ya, but they’re real!

Kristy: Fake.

Debbie Luciano: Real!

Kristy: Fake!

Debbie Luciano: Real!

Kristy: Hazel!

Debbie Luciano: Blue!

Kristy: Hazel!

Debbie Luciano: Try Sapphire, alright? Alright, our third contestant-

Kristy: Hazel!

Debbie Luciano: Sapphire!! Alright, keep it down, Slim-Jim. Alright, now it says here that your name is “Cindy Crawford”?

Cindy: Uh.. yeah.. well, not the Cindy Crawford.

Kristy: Oh, really? Are you sure?

Cindy: Shut up, Kristy!

Debbie Luciano: Alright, now, Cindy, you also work at the Gap?

Kristy: She used to, but she defected.

Cindy: Uhhh.. it is true – I omce worked at the.. Ca-rap! But, uh.. I now work at Jitters – it’s a coffee shop – and they call it Jitters, ’cause that’s what you do after you drink there! [ laughs at herself ]

Kristy: Really? Do you also have dinner at a place called Get Sweaty? ‘Cause that’s what you do after you eat! [ laughs back ]

Cindy: You are!

Kristy: [ confused ] What?

Lucy: [ weeping ] You guys, could you stop fighting, it’s scaring me..!

Debbie Luciano: Hey, can we shut up for a minute, alright?! This isn’t “Family Feud”! alright, let’s hear our categories – they are: “Whatever”, “Would You?”, “Famous Skanks”, “Cinch It”, “History of Scrunchies”, “I’m Just Telling You What I Heard”, and “Native Americans”. Alright, now, remember, you’re playing for an all-expense paid weekend in Monte Blanc for Spring Break. Alright, you’re ready, Lucy? you start.

Lucy: I’ll take “I’m Just Telling You What I Heard” for $100.

Debbie Luciano: “Is Rwanda a country, a talk show, or a nightclub in L.A.?”

Lucy: A nightclub. I know that, because my friend got hit by a can there and lost her shoe.

Debbie Luciano: I’m sorry, that’s incorrect – it’s a country.

Lucy: I’m just telling you what I heard!

Debbie Luciano: Alright, Kristy, your turn.

Kristy: Hmm.. I guess I’ll take “Whatever” for $100.

Debbie Luciano: Okay. “Your last boyfriend, Dan, said you were ‘A carpenter’s dream – flat as a board and easy to nail.'”

Kristy: What..ever!

Debbie Luciano: Ooh, I’m sorry, that’s very close. It’s “Whatever!

Kristy: [ mocking ] Whatever!

Debbie Luciano: Exactly. Okay, Miss Crawford, your turn. No scores yet.

Cindy: Hmm.. I’ll take..

Lucy: A big piece of cake – for free! [ laughs ]

Cindy: As I was saying.. I’ll take.. um.. “Native Americans” for $400. That’s right! That’s what I said!

Debbie Luciano: Okay. “In 1838, the Cherokee tribe set up its capitol in this Oklahoma village.”

Cindy: Oh, uh.. uh.. Germany. No, wait – Rwanda..

Debbie Luciano: Nope. Anyone else? Lucy?

Lucy: Please.

Debbie Luciano: Kristy?

Kristy: [ chuckles ] Not quite, Termite.

Debbie Luciano: Alright, the answer is Tahlequah. Yes – Tahlequah. Well, then, Lucy, it’s back to you – come on, you pick a category.

Lucy: It’s about time. “Famous Skanks” for $100.

Debbie Luciano: Okay. “Pamela Anderson is best known for-

[ buzzer ]

Debbie Luciano: Okay, we’re out of time, and the score is.. zero, zero, zero. Oh, that’s a first. Alright, how can we settle this, judges? Okay, we’ll do Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Kristy: Rock! Paper!

Lucy: Scissors!

Kristy: A-ha!

Lucy: Good, I win – scissors beats rock!

Kristy: No, it doesn’t, dummy!

Lucy: Oh, yeah..

Together: Rock! Paper! Scissors!

Cindy: [laughs ] Rock crushes paper!

Kristy: No, it doesn’t, dummy!

Cindy: It.. uh.. oh.. yeah..

Kristy: Yayyyy!!!

Debbie Luciano: Okay, Kristy, I guess you win! so let’s go to the Bonus Round, and pick one category!

Kristy: Okay! I will take.. “Would You?”

Debbie Luciano: Okay. Get ready, you’ve got forty seconds to answer as many questions as possible, and here we go! “Would You.. Matt Dillon?”

Kristy: Of course!

Debbie Luciano: “Would You.. Tom Arnold?”

Kristy: Ick, no way.

Debbie Luciano: “Snoop Doggy Dogg”.

Kristy: [ hesitant ] Yes.

Debbie Luciano: “Scott Baio”.

Kristy: [ quickly ] I did.

Lucy & Cindy: Oh, my God! Yuck!

Kristy: What! He was really nice.. I-I-I met him that summer, when he was signing posters, at the mall! Uh, he took me to dinner, he bought me a big bottle of Chateau Brion – it was, like, $100!

Cindy: More like 100 doll-hairs!

Kristy: What?

Cindy: Grow up!

Kristy: You are!

Cindy: Scuzzy!

Kristy: Me? No, uh.. slut!

Cindy: Idiot!

Kristy: Period-face!

Cindy: Gross!

Debbie Luciano: Hey, you got a nice mouth – that was quite a jump from Idiot to Period-face.

Kristy: Yeah, well.. sorry, I was mad.

Lucy: [ weeping ] You guys.. could you stop fighting.. My parents used to fight.. and then my stepfather tried to make out with me..!

[ horn sounds ]

Debbie Luciano: Alright, that’s about all the time we have for our show. Thank you very much, and join us next week for “Gapardy”!

SNL Transcripts

Matt Foley, Bilingual Motivational Speaker


Matt Foley, Bilingual Motivational Speaker

Raoul de la Garza y Baca…..Michael McKean
Spanish Boy…..Jay Mohr
Spanish Girl…..Morwenna Banks
Matt Foley…..Chris Farley


[ open on exterior, ranch house in Mexico ]

[ SUPER: “Villa of wealthy landowner, Raoul de la Garza y Baca, Venezuela” ]

[ dissolve to interior, living room ]

Raoul de la Garza y Baca: Children! I am at the end of my patience with you!

Spanish Girl: Oh, be quiet, old man, no one cares what you think any more.

Raoul de la Garza y Baca: Silence! I am your father, and I demand your respect! Since I am unable to get through to you, I have decided to take strong measures! I have sent for the United States, to enlist the services of what is known as a Motivational Speaker! Perhaps he can succeed where I have failed. He’s been in the basement all morning chewing on cocoa leaves! Please give your undivided attention to Senor Matt Foley!

[ Matt Foley runs out from the basement into living room, grabbing at his pants to keep them from falling ]

Matt Foley: Hola ninos! Me llamo Matt Foley! Y yo soy un motivational speaker! Yo tengo treceta y cinco años, yo [messes up: yoy] soy tres divorciano, y yo vivo en “VAN” CERCA DE UN RIO.

Raoul de la Garza y Baca: Senor Foley, if you will excuse me – both my children and myself speak excellent English.

Matt Foley: Padre, dame un favor, y callate su grande YAPPER![Turns to children] Muchachos, yo comprendo que ustedes beben Tequila, (Whoo! [making hand motions]) fumen marijuana, y bailan el flamenco! [Dances]. Pronto, ustedes flamenco en un “VAN” CERCA DE UN RIO!

Spanish Boy: Senor Foley, where’d you study Spanish, Taco Bell? [ laughs ]

Matt Foley: Muy comico! Dios freakin’ mio! Es un regular PaulRodriguez? [Turns to Raul] Mis ojos not too good, es Paul Rodriguez? Huh? Es Paul Rodriguez? Huh?

Raoul de la Garza y Baca: Senor Foley, with respect, I think you are simply confusing my children.

Matt Foley: [Softly] Dad, kindly shut your damn FLAN HOLE!!! [Turns to children] Now, kids, in my next part of my talk, I’m gonna be laying some heavy concepts on ya. So from here on out, I’m gonna dispense with the Español and continue with the English. ‘Cause my Spanish a’int so good since I gave up DRUGS! [Laughs]

Spanish Girl: Good idea.

Matt Foley: Alrighty, now, you get bull fights down here, am I right, young fellow?

Spanish Boy: Si.

Matt Foley: Then, get up here! Let’s do a little role-playing! [Boy stands up, Matt Foley takes off jacket] Now, I’m the bull, see? And I represent the troubles and temptations facing a yound fella like yourself! And you’re the matador, armed with only a positive mental attitude, and the goings-on gets going on. [Steps back] Here I come, a snortin’ and a fussin’! Here I come, here I come![Snorts like a bull, charges at Spanish Boy, crashing into plants and vases] Alright,youngster, you want to play hardball? Let’s go at it!! [charges at Spanish Boy, but crashes into more plants ] Here I come! [ crashes into the coffee table ] I wanna show you what Americana is all about!! [charges, but crashes through the wall]. Whoopsie daisy! Well, “vivo de Nueva York, ES SABADO NOCHE!”

SNL Transcripts

Melanie Babysits


Melanie Babysits

Mrs. Henderson…..Molly Shannon
Dr. Henderson…..Chris Elliot
Melanie…..Mark McKinney


[ open on the Hendersons entering their living room after a night out together ]

Mrs. Henderson: Did you notice – at the restaurant – how much weight Martha had gained?

Dr. Henderson: Yeah.. yeah.. she.. gained a lot of weight..

Mrs. Henderson: I mean, I thought I was bad, you know?

Dr. Henderson: [ feigning content ] Well, uh.. more of you to love?

Mrs. Henderson: Ohhhh, you! So.. sweet.. [ attempts to initiate intimacy ]

Dr. Henderson: [ fends her off ] Alright.. okay.. that’s fine.. okay.. yes.. fine..

[ Melanie enters from kitchen ]

Melanie: Hi, Dr. Henderson! Hi, Mrs. Henderson!

[ cue sax solo, as Dr. Henderson’s viewpoint scopes out Melanie from bottom to top ]

Melanie: So, did you have a good time?

Dr. Henderson: [ excited ] Yes! Yes, we did have a good time, a very good time!

Mrs. Henderson: Melanie, I’m gonna call you a cab right away. How were the kids, did you have a problem?

Melanie: Uh, no. Emily is so adorable! And, I gotta tell you something, Jason did the cutest thing – he didn’t want to go to bed, so he started pretending he was a puppy, and I had to chase him up and down the stairs until he got tired!

Dr. Henderson: [ interested ] Oh! Up and down those stairs, right there?

Melanie: Yeah! On all fours!

Dr. Henderson: [ chuckles with delight ] On all fours!

Melanie: Just like a dog!

Dr. Henderson: Ah, just like a dog?

Melanie: Yeah!

Dr. Henderson: Honey, I’m gonna go ahead and drive Melanie home, okay?

Melanie: I-I-I can take a cab..

Dr. Henderson: Oh, no, don’t be silly – it’s cold outside! I’ll drive you home, it’s no problem!

Mrs. Henderson: Oh.. well, okay, Tom. But as long as you promise to hurry home, ’cause, remember, you still owe me that “special” birthday present, eh? [ expresses excitement ]

Dr. Henderson: Ah.. okay.. no, I can’t wait for that.. Uh, Melanie, are you all done?

Melanie: Yeah! I got my homework books right here. I was doing my math – yuck!

Dr. Henderson: Oh, math! That’s funny, Melanie, you know, I hated math, too.

Melanie: Really?

Dr. Henderson: Yes, I did.

Melanie: Were you bad at it?

Dr. Henderson: I couldn’t get a hand on it, isn’t that something? I just thought you were gonna like that one..

[ they exit through the front door ]

Mrs. Henderson: [ yelling after them ] Bye-bye, Melanie! I’ll call your mom and let her know you’re on your way home! Alright, hurry home, Tom! [ laughs ]

[ dissolve to Dr. Henderson driving Melanie home, upbeat tempo music surrounding them ]

Dr. Henderson: So.. Melanie.. all in all, I wouldn’t say it’s a “happy” marriage..

Melanie: Oh, God.. poor Dr. Henderson..

Dr. Henderson: Well, uh.. that’s very sweet of you, Melanie. You see, uh.. my wife is.. older that I am.. she’s 45.

Melanie: Oh, my God, that’s so gross and old!

Dr. Henderson: You’re right, it is.. gross and, and old.. But, enough about me. Let me hear a little something about yourself.

Melanie: About me?

Dr. Henderson: Sure.

Melanie: Okay.. um.. um.. in school, um.. I like to run, I mean I’m on the running team, the track and field team – God, I keep forgetting that name!

Dr. Henderson: [ chuckles heartily ]

Melanie: Anyway.. so, I like to run, and they say I have a lot of energy.

Dr. Henderson: Well, uh.. you look like you’re in good shape.

Melanie: Yeah. Do you wanna see my legs?

Dr. Henderson: [ hesitant ] Well.. no, I don’t..

Melanie: No, it’s okay – I’ve got good legs!

Dr. Henderson: Well, alright, I will! [ feels Melanie’s legs, falling into trance-like state ] Oh, yes, yes! Those are runner’s legs.. those are nice.. nice, firm.. runner’s legs..

Melanie: Yeah! Well, anyway, I like track in school. I mean, I guess I like school, except they make us wear this stupid uniform!

Dr. Henderson: No, I wouldn’t call it stupid..

Melanie: Oh, yeah, it’s really stupid. I mean, it’s, like, every day we have to wear, like, the same tie, and the same blouse, and the same kilt, and the same tights. I mean, the only time we’re allowed to take it off is, like, when we’re in the shower!

[ Dr. Henderson loses control of the car, and stops on the side of the road ]

Melanie: Why are we stopping?

Dr. Henderson: You know what? I-I-I gotta rest the carburator in this car.. you know what I’m also gonna do? I’m gonna turn off the.. heat and the lights.. just to save the battery.

Melanie: But.. but won’t we get cold?

Dr. Henderson: Well, uh.. we would get cold, if we didn’t take advantange of our, um.. body heat.

Melanie: Oh! you mean, like in the Arctic?

Dr. Henderson: That’s right, Melanie.. just like in the Arctic.

Melanie: Yeah! We’re studying that next semester!

Dr. Henderson: Yeah, well, that’ll be a hell of a thing.. Look, uh.. if you’re, uh.. thirsty, would you like some refreshments? There’s something in the glove compartment there..

Melanie: [ opens glove compartment ] Oh, my God! Is that Zima!

Dr. Henderson: That is Zima.

Melanie: Wow! Once, I almost got to have some at my Aunt’s wedding, but my Uncle took it away!

Dr. Henderson: Ohh.. well, why don’t you have one now?

Melanie: No, I shouldn’t..

Dr. Henderson: No, go on – I dare ya!

Melanie: Ohh.. okay! I can’t resist a dare!

Dr. Henderson: Sure, you can’t. You know, the funny thing about Zima is.. it tastes like candy, but you’ve gotta drink it down really fast!

Melanie: Really fast?

Dr. Henderson: Yeah, you’ve kind of just.. boom!

Melanie: Okay! [ swigs bottle back and downs the Zima ]

Dr. Henderson: And.. she’s off and running! Okay! Alright! and.. it’s gonna be Melanie by an edge, she’s coming down the finish line! Annnnd there she is, she wins the gold – that’s Melanie!

Melanie: [ burps ] Wow! You’re right, it does taste like candy!

Dr. Henderson: Yeah.. it does, doesn’t it? [ grabs to undo Melanie’s blouse ]

Melanie: Uh.. Dr. Henderson? What are you doing?

Dr. Henderson: I’m examining you – I’m a doctor!

Melanie: Yeah, but.. aren’t you, like, a foot doctor?

Dr. Henderson: Yes, I am, but, uh.. I was, uh.. upgraded.

Melanie: Oh! Congratulations!

Dr. Henderson: Well, thank you.

Melanie: Um.. can I have another Zima?

Dr. Henderson: Oh, can you have another Zima? Okay, sure!

Melanie: Don’t ever dare me – I told ya!

Dr. Henderson: [ chuckles ] Melanie, I’ve got another dare for ya.

Melanie: [ curious ] Oh, really? What?

Dr. Henderson: [ whispers in Melanie’s ear ]

Melanie: Yeah?!

Dr. Henderson: [ laughs ] There’s more! Come here, come here.. [ whispers further ]

Melanie: Okay!

Dr. Henderson: Alright! Let me just ask you something – Melanie, you are 18, aren’t you?

Melanie: Uh.. [ thinking ] ..yeah.. yeah..

Dr. Henderson: Yeah. Okay, that’s what I thought. And, you know that seat reclines?

Melanie: Okay! [ drops seat into reclining position ]

Dr. Henderson: Okay, there we go! [ moves in to pounce upon Melanie ]

[ cut to footage of Dr. Henderson being locked in jail, as he clutches desperately to the prison bars ]

Dr. Henderson: I’d do it again! I swear to the Lord above – given the chance, I would do it again!! Do you HEAR me, society??! I’d do it AGAIIINNN!! And again! And again! And again!

[ cut to faraway shot of prison exterior ]

Voice of Dr. Henderson: And again! And again!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Courtney Cox’s Monologue


Courtney Cox’s Monologue

…..Courtney Cox
Bruce Springsteen…..Adam Sandler


Courtney Cox: Thank you! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I’m having a fantastic year, with my new show “Friends”. And, uh.. you know, everywhere I go, people are always asking me, “Are you guys really friends?” and, the truth is, uh.. not really. We all have slept together, but.. you know. Sometimes in just twos, and, you know, usually threes and fours, but..

Anyway, tonight’s a really special night for me. Ten years ago, someone gave me my first break by putting me in a music video! And.. that person just happens to be here tonight. Come on!

[ band breaks in with “Dancing From The Dark”, as Bruce Springsteen rises from the audience ]

Bruce Springsteen: [ singing a bit mumbly ]
“I get up in the evening
and I ain’t got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain’t nothing but tired
Man I’m just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby, I could use just a little help

You can’t start a fire
You can’t start a fire without a spark
This gun’s for hire
even if we’re just dancing in the dark..”

Courtney Cox: Anyway, that’s great! Thank you! We’ve got a great show tonight..

[ Springsteen continues to sing ]

Courtney Cox: Thank you.. There’s something happening somewhere..

[ Springsteen continues to sing ]

Courtney Cox: Bruce Springsteen, ladies and gentlemen!

[ Springsteen continues to sing ]

Courtney Cox: Okay, anyway, thank you, folks, we’ve got a great show..

[ Springsteen relentlessly continues to sing, hogging Cox’s limelight ]

Courtney Cox: We’ve got a great show tonight – Dave Matthews Band is here, and we’ll be right back! Stick around!

SNL Transcripts

His Muse Friday


His Muse Friday

Bill Blake…..Michael McKean
Wendy…..Molly Shannon
Edie…..Courteney Cox
Charles…..Jay Mohr


[ shot in black-and-white, styled as film noir ]

[ open in the office of Bill Blake, Editor in Chief of New York Poetry Gazette ]

Bill Blake: [ on the phone ] Yeah, yeah, McCleaf, I know you’ve been under a lot of pressure lately! But this stuff’s just plain second-rate! I mean, come on! [ reads ] “The scent of her hair is of rain on the dust of her shoulders”? Not only is patently opaque, it’s not even iambic pentameter! Take another pass, and, this time, block that metaphor! [ hangs up ]

[ knock at the door ]

Bill Blake: Yeah? [ Wendy rushes in, nearly stumbling ] What rough beast sloshes toward my desk!

Wendy: It’s me, Wendy.

Bill Blake: Right. That was irony.

Wendy: What was?

Bill Blake: Uh.. skip it, sister. What have you got?

Wendy: Okay. Your attorney called – said he doesn’t think we can run the Wallace Stevens poem unless he’s dead.

Bill Blake: Unless my attorney’s dead?

Wendy: Unless Stevens is dead.

Bill Blake: Ah. Call Research, have ’em, uh..

Wendy: I did!

Bill Blake: Uh-huh? You did? He’s alive?

Wendy: Well, aren’t you happy for him?

Bill Blake: Ah, a shudder of joy runs up the trunk. What else you got?

Wendy: Uh.. W.H. Arden called, he still hasn’t been paid for the piece we ran in February.

Bill Blake: Tell him if God wanted poets to be rich –

Wendy: He’d be running a poetry magazine?

Bill Blake: Now, that’s irony! What else?

Wendy: Uh.. Edie Skipwell called, she’s on her way over to see you.

Bill Blake: [ alarmed ] What?! Why didn’t you say so! When’s she coming?

Wendy: Uh, she said in about five minutes..

Bill Blake: When’d she say that?

Together: ..About five minutes ago!

Bill Blake: [ shakes fist ] Why, I oughtta..

[ Edie enters ]

Edie: Well, well, well.. if it isn’t the late Billy Blake. Hi ya, tiger. Still burning bright?

Bill Blake: Uh.. Edie, Wendy. Wendy, scram!

[ Wendy exits ]

Edie: He’s murder on the secretaries, honey.

Bill Blake: Uh, not always.

Edie: Oh, yeah? There was a girl from Nantucket.

Bill Blake: Ah, she worked out okay. [ chuckles ] So, what are you doing here? Looking for a job, I bet.

Edie: [ laughs ] That’s rich.

Bill Blake: Yeah.. Sure, laugh thy girlish laughter, then a moment later weep thy girlish tears.

Edie: Ah, fat chance. I’m married now – the woman is perfected.

Bill Blake: Well, a little early in the day for Sylvia Plath, isn’t it?

Edie: Hubby likes Sylvia Plath.

Bill Blake: How is hubby, still insane?

Edie: As Robert Burton said, “All poets are mad.”

Bill Blake: And as Richard Burton said, “Honey, you’re putting on a little weight!” [ laughs ]

Edie: Oh. I’m ready with you sweetie, and completely untrue.

Bill Blake: Uh-huh.

[ Charles rushes in ]

Charles: Oh, gee, I’m sorry, Mr. Blake! I was looking for Wendy!

Edie: Ah, a little sweet on the girl, eh?

Charles: Ah, my heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains my sense, if that’s what you mean.

Bill Blake: Tell you what you do, Charles – take a cold shower. The hind that would be mated with the lion must die of love.

Charles: I hope not. [ exits office ]

Bill Blake: [ laughs ]

Edie: The same old bubbling touch with the hired help, eh, Billy?

Bill Blake: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. so what are you doing here if you’re not looking for your old job back?

Edie: Well, I got a hot tip, I thought I’d pass it along.

Bill Blake: Talk to me like the rain, and let me listen, toots!

Edie: Okay. Well, a pal of hubby’s, auctioneer by trade, washed up on the shore of our place this weekend, with a manuscript of unpublished Ezra Pound.

Bill Blake: Get out!!

Edie: Truth, like a bastard, comes into the world.

Bill Blake: Yeah, yeah.. Milton. Go on!

Edie: Well, if you’d like to talk to the guy, I can set it up.

Bill Blake: Baby, you’re the greatest!

Edie: Dickinson?

Bill Blake: Gleason.

[ phone rings ]

Edie: Hadn’t you better get that?

Bill Blake: [ answers ] Blake here. Yeah.. oh, my God, it’s e.e. cummings.. e? e? e.e.? Yeah, okay, go ahead. Buffalo Bill’s defunct.. used to write a water-smooth, silver standing..

Edie: Nothing in this world becomes you more like in leaving it. [ gets up to leave ]

Bill Blake: Yeah, yeah, I’ll call you back. [ hangs up ] Edie? Edie, don’t go. Don’t you know how I feel about you, kid? This love should grow vaster than empires.

Edie: And more slow. No dice, Billy. At my back, I always here Time’s winged chariot hurrying near.

Bill Blake: Well, you can’t blame a guy for trying.

[ Edie exits; Wendy quickly runs back in ]

Wendy: Mr. Blake? Uh, you got a call from some guy..

Bill Blake: Wendy, come here.

Wendy: What?

Bill Blake: Give me those glasses.. [ removes her glasses ] Charles!

Charles: Yes, Mr. Blake?

Bill Blake: Charles, Wendy. Wendy, Charles. [ they stare intently at one other, as Bill exits his office ] I’ll give them a week!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Bob Saget: 05/06/95


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

May 6th, 1995

Bob Saget

TLC

None

TLC, “Red Light Special”

  • A Message From Tony Vallencourt

    Summary: Celtics fan Tony Vallencourt (Adam Sandler) recalls his favorite memories of watching the Celtics play at Boston Garden.

    Recurring Characters: Tony Vallencourt.

  • Bob Saget’s Monologue

  • Amazin’ Laser

    (Repeat) See: 01/21/95.

  • Fast

  • America’s Funniest Hate Videos

  • Fashion Designer

  • TLC performs “Creep”

  • Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

  • Where In The World Is San Diego, California?

  • Boyz II Men

  • Karl’s Video Store

    Recurring Characters: Karl.

  • Deep Thoughts

    Skull In Woods.

  • TLC performs “Red Light Special”

  • Daily Affirmation

    Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

  • Pacemaker

  • Deep Thoughts

    Teaching Vampire Children.

    SNL Transcripts