Coffee Talk

Coffee Talk

Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Barbra Streisand…..John Travolta


Announcer: Welcome to Coffee Talk with your host Linda Richman.

Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk. I’m your host Linda Richman. On this show we talk about coffee, New York, daughters, dogs. Normally, it’s no big whoop. But today there’s big news. Barbra, Barbra, Barbra! (holds up three things) Her CD, her video, and her article in Vanity Fair. So in honor of that, with me today, hand to God, strike me if I’m wrong. Barbra Streisand!

Barbra Streisand: You look gorgeous Linda.

Linda Richman: Now, if you don’t believe me. Let’s get a close up of this (camera closes in on drivers license) It’s her driver’s license. Barbra Streisand Six-foot, one-inch weight: 185 lbs.

Barbra Streisand: That’s right. I had my name legally changed, I had a little plastic surgery, and that was it.

Linda Richman: I want plastic surgery. I would love to have my neck lypoed. I’m starting to get a chicken neck. A woman my age should not look like poultry. Frank Purdue called for my number. Colonel Sanders put me on his speed dial.

Barbra Streisand: I think you look like buttah.

Linda Richman: Barbra here has her own one woman show and don’t tell mama it’s called “Color Me Barbra.”

Barbra Streisand: Yes, and I’m trying to wear the same sailor’s suit that I wore in my TV special in 1964 called “Color Me Barbra.” It sets a type of homage to myself.

Linda Richman: That’s a beautiful thing. I, however, am wearing the same top I wore to have a sebaceous cyst removed from my forehead. P.S.: Long story short. How long have you been impersonating Barbra?

Barbra Streisand: I don’t impersonate her. I am her.

Linda Richman: Okay dokey, I can play that game. So what did you think of Barbra’s – I mean your – article in Vanity Fair? You looked to die for.

Barbra Streisand: Thanks, thanks. People seem to love it. But I think people that don’t need people are the luckiest people in the world.

Linda Richman: You know it made me so happy to read in the article that you were finally able to tell your mother “I love you.” There I go, I’m all verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. Ralph Fiennes’ name is neither spelled Rayph nor Fines. Discuss! There I feel better. Let’s go to the phones, the number is 555-4444. Give us a call we’ll talk no big whoop. Hello?

Caller #1: Hello Barbra, what are you going to do for your next movie?

Barbra Streisand: Well, I want to do a movie on the differences between men and women. I want to be the kind of strong woman who can say to a man: “How dare you, you as a man, speak to me, me as a woman! I think you’re full of crap!”

Linda Richman: That’s a hard piece. Let me ask you something. Do you still have a pee-pee or do you tuck it?

Barbra Streisand: Well, why don’t you come down and check for yourself by coming to Don’t Tell Mama’s Thursday through Sunday. I’m on after the Larry Stort Show.

Linda Richman: Sure, I’ll be there. Our number is 555-4444 give us a call. Hello?

Caller #2: Yeah, Barbra, I think you’re the greatest superstar there ever was. It’s disgusting when they print bad things about you.

Barbra Streisand: Thank you, I feel.. I feel your love. But I think they’re jealous. I do. I mean there’s only one of me and let them walk a mile in my shoe.

Linda Richman: You should forgive me, but anyone who says anything bad about you should stick their head in the ground and act like an onion Sta staligize ziebe zieble sie koppen dradt (yiddish)

Barbra Streisand: From your mouth to God’s ears.

Linda Richman: A bunch of mitz a metz a sebuzu provitzu a sessu a rockmunhez aun a scheinelmeidel..

(scene fades)

Thanks to Robert Wilczak for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live: 1994-1995


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: 1994-1995


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

Starring:

  • Morwenna Banks (first: 04/08/95)
  • Ellen Cleghorne
  • Chris Elliot
  • Chris Farley
  • Janene Garofalo (final: 02/25/95)
  • Norm MacDonald
  • Michael McKean
  • Mark McKinney (first: 01/14/95)
  • Tim Meadows
  • Mike Myers (final: 01/21/95)
  • Kevin Nealon
  • Adam Sandler
  • David Spade
  • Featuring:

  • Al Franken
  • Laura Kightlinger
  • Jay Mohr
  • Molly Shannon (first: 02/25/95)
  • Episodes

  • 09/24/94: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton
  • 10/01/94: Marisa Tomei / Bonnie Raitt
  • 10/15/94: John Travolta / Seal
  • 10/22/94: Dana Carvey / Edie Brickell & Paul Simon
  • 11/12/94: Sarah Jessica Parker / R.E.M.
  • 11/19/94: John Turturro / Tom Petty
  • 12/03/94: Roseanne / Green Day
  • 12/10/94: Alec Baldwin / Beastie Boys
  • 12/17/94: George Foreman / Hole
  • 01/14/95: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson
  • 01/21/95: David Hyde Pierce / Live
  • 02/11/95: Bob Newhart / Des’ree
  • 02/18/95: Deion Sanders / Bon Jovi
  • 02/25/95: George Clooney / The Cranberries
  • 03/18/95: Paul Reiser / Annie Lennox
  • 03/25/95: John Goodman / The Tragically Hip
  • 04/08/95: Damon Wayans / Dionne Farris
  • 04/15/95: Courteney Cox / Dave Matthews Band
  • 05/06/95: Bob Saget / TLC
  • 05/13/95: David Duchovny / Rod Stewart
  • SummaryWhen Phil Hartman left “Saturday Night Live” at the end of the previous season, it was in good spirits, though he did compare his departure to getting off of a “sinking ship.” His statement was far from incorrect, for “SNL” reached its unfunniest moments since the doomed 1980 season. But whereas 1980 was filled with unknown performers who were unwelcomed by the original cast’s audience, 1994 was filled with well-known “SNL” veterans who were sailing on weak material. Even newcomers like Chris Elliot, Janene Garafalo, Mark McKinney, and Laura Kightlinger couldn’t do anything to save the show this season.

    Among the season’s foul-ups: Garofalo quit the show in a state of fury over the sudden lack of on-air professionalism surrounding her; long-time featured player Al Franken became furious when his Stuart Smalley movie didn’t get good reviews at the box office; and Chris Farley, Adam Sandler and David Spade weighed down nearly every sketch with bad performances.

    One true highlight of the season took place when up-and-coming castmember Norm MacDonald took over the long-running “Weekend Update” segment with his take on the “fake news”, premiering with his all-time favorite celebrity, O.J. Simpson. Cameo appearances were made by former President George Bush, as well as the notorious Joey Buttafuaco. And, after sixteen years of being asked, John Travolta finally hosted the show, taking the opportunity to parody every important production he’s ever starred in.

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/94



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 20: Episode 1


    This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>



    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:


    September 24th, 1994

    Steve Martin

    Eric Clapton

    Brian Austin Green

    Roger Clemens

    Bobby Bonilla

    Jack McDowell
    Clinton AuditionsSummary: Chris Farley, David Spade, Chis Elliot, Adam Sandler and Tim Meadows resort to standard shtick in their auditions for the President Bill Clinton impression after Phil Hartman leaves “SNL.”

    Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

    Transcript

    Montage

    Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: After his joke about the many soups at the supermarket, Steve Martin steps outside of himself to examine what went wrong.

    Also Hosted: 76e, 76n, 77a, 77i, 77r, 78d, 79a, 79s, 86f, 87a, 88t, 91i, 05l.

    Transcript

    H.H.T. Home Headache TestSummary: Take a simple test to find out if you really have a headache.

    Transcript

    Court TVSummary: Scattered highlights of the O.J. Simpson (Tim Meadows) trial.

    Recurring Characters: Terry Moran, O.J. Simpson.

    Transcript

    Steve Martin’s All-Natural Penis Beauty CreamSummary: The formula Steve Martin uses to keep his penis shiny and beautiful.

    Recurring Characters: Terry Moran, O.J. Simpson.

    Transcript

    Total Bastard Airlines IISummary: Transferred to new flight, Steward (David Spade) is still a jerk.

    Recurring Characters: Steward.

    Eric Clapton performs “I’m Tore Down”

    Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Laura Kightlinger relates some recent life lessons she’s learned. Rock critic Gil Graham (Adam Sandler) disccuses recent concerts he attended.

    Recurring Characters: Gil Graham.

    Transcript

    The Ron Wood ShowSummary: Mumbling Ron Wood (Mike Myers) covers little ground in interviews.

    Recurring Characters: Ron Wood, Whoopi Goldberg.

    Buck DanielsSummary: Country singer (Michael McKean) puts the life of Buck Daniels (Steve Martin) into song.

    Transcript

    Nut-Rific Ad CampaignSummary: Poor lyric choice gives candy bar jingle a negative flavor.

    Recurring Characters: Gil Graham.

    Transcript

    Eric Clapton performs “Five Long Years”

    Super Sports ToursSummary: Striking baseball players will make appearances on an exciting cruise.

    Transcript

    BabiesSummary: Parents (Chris Farley, Janene Garafalo) compare babies with other couple.

    Transcript

    GoodnightsTranscript

    SNL Transcripts

    http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

    SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/94: Baby Competition



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 20: Episode 1


    94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

    Baby Competition

    Tom…..Chris Farley
    Doris…..Laura Kightlinger
    Steve…..Steve Martin
    Janene…..Janene Garafalo

    [ open on two couples entering front room after looking at the baby in the baby’s room ]

    Tom: Yooooou.. have such a beautiful baby!

    Janene: Really, really beautiful!

    Steve: Well, thank you!

    Doris: Aw, that’s so nice!

    Janene: It’s incredibly beautiful!

    Doris: Oh..

    Tom: Really beautiful.

    Janene: Much more beautiful than our baby. Don’t you think, honey?

    Tom: Ohhhh, yeah… a hundred times more beautiful than our baby.

    Steve: What are you talking about! You have a beautiful baby, too!

    Doris: You.. have an adorable baby.

    Janene: Thank you for saying that.. but I know that our baby’s just.. not as beautiful as yours.

    Tom: I blame myself.

    Janene: Honey! Honey, don’t. I’m the one who wanted to have the baby in the first place.

    Steve: Will you two knock it off? There’s nothing wrong with your baby’s looks! Now, what do you want to drink?

    Janene: Scotch, neat.

    Tom: Nothing for me, thanks. I’m driving, and.. drinking and driving is bad.

    Janene: Nowww.. will your baby sleep right through the night?

    Doris: [ with great elation ] Y-yeah! We’ve been pretty lucky!

    Janene: [ breaking into tears and hysterics ] Our baby’s- What is wrong with our baby?!

    Tom: God.. we have an ugly baby who doesn’t sleep through the night! I blame myself!

    Janene: Well, how many times does your baby get up during the night?

    Doris: Once.. maybe twice..

    Tom: [ shaking his head ] I blame myself..

    Steve: A lot of babies do that, that’s very common!

    Janene: Oh, really? Common? As in: average, middle-grove.. not special like your baby?

    Steve: I never said that!

    Tom: Does your baby have any teeth?

    Doris: Tom, don’t..

    Tom: Doris, I need to know.. does your baby have any teeth?

    Doris: [ hesitant ] Yes.

    Janene: [ crying ] Our baby’s a toothless freak!

    Tom: I blame myself..

    Doris: You guys have gotta stop being so hard on yourselves!

    Steve: Yeah! Every baby develops at a different pace!

    Janene: Oh, that’s so easy for you to say, because you’re winning, aren’t you?!

    Doris: [ in disbelief ] Winning?!

    Tom: I blame myself.

    Steve: This isn’t a competition!

    Janene: Oh. ..Said the winner!

    Tom: [ slams his drink on the coffee table ] Maybe us losers should go home to our ugly baby that doesn’t have any teeth!

    Janene: Yeah! It’s probably waking up around now, anyway!

    Doris: [ outraged ] Oh, come on! Don’t be like that!

    Janene: Like what? Sore losers?

    Doris: I didn’t say that..

    Janene: You implied it.

    Tom: Your baby’s better than our baby! Is that what you wanted to hear?! YOUR BABY’S BETTER THAN OUR BABY!!!

    Janene: Okay.. okay.. now, look, you see? Are you happy now? Are you happy? You’ve gotten what you wanted! Can we go home now, please?!

    Tom: I blame myself..

    [ they exit ]

    Steve: Let ’em go, honey, it’s okay, it’s okay..

    Doris: Wow! I didn’t know they were gonna be like that!

    Steve: That’s okay.. we’ll meet another couple with a baby.

    Doris: [ chuckles ] Not with a baby that ugly!

    Steve: Yeah! Our baby did look great next to that thing they call a baby!

    Doris: Amen!

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/94: Buck Daniels



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 20: Episode 1


    94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

    Buck Daniels

    Country Singer…..Michael McKean
    Buck Daniels…..Steve Martin
    Tammy Lee…..Janeane Garofalo
    Whores…..Ellen Cleghorne, Laura Kightlinger
    Jackie Mason…..Adam Sandler

    Country Singer: I wrote a song about a man, a dreamer… who achieved it all but lost it. Man’s name was Buck Daniels. This is his song.

    [ starts playing guitar and singing ]

    “The boy was born on a Texas highway
    In the back of a pickup truck.
    Proud papa lifts his son to the sky
    And says “Boy, your name is Buck.”

    The boy grows up in a Kansas shack,
    Learns how to play guitar.
    At night he dreams his Nashville dreams
    Someday I’ll be a star.

    Oh Buck Daniels, the plans he made.
    Oh Buck Daniels the price he paid.
    The boy was a hit at the honkey tonks,
    Becoming what he wanted to be.

    One summer day he got a record contract
    Took a jet plane to Kansas City.
    The boy meets a girl in a greasy spoon,
    Who says her name is Tammy Lee.
    He treated her like the Queen of Spain,
    And respected her virginity.

    Oh Buck Daniels, his passion delayed.
    Oh Buck Daniels, the price he paid.

    The boy’s got a single climbin’ the charts
    Starts getting a little bit cocky
    Doesn’t call home much anymore.
    Things with Tammy Lee get rocky.
    Boy’s first album hits number one.
    Gets an endorsement deal with Coors.
    He tells Tammy Lee to hit the road,
    Takes up with a couple of whores.

    Oh Buck Daniels, the mistakes he made.Oh Buck Daniels, the price he paid.

    The second single doesn’t do so good
    And the crowd starts headin’ out.
    Tammy Lee won’t take his calls.
    One of the whores punches him in the mouth
    The end of the line for this poor boy
    And the death of the dream he was chasin’.
    Came one night when he was caught
    In bed with comedian Jackie Mason.”

    Jackie Mason: I suppose this doesn’t look too good. But I came here for a sandwich. He told me there was a sandwich in the bed. I get in the bed and there was no sandwich. And a pff, and a pff, and a pfft.

    Guitarist: [ singing ]“Oh Buck Daniels, the plans he made.
    Oh Buck Daniels, the trail he laid.
    Oh Buck Daniels, he drank some Raid.
    Oh Buck Daniels, the price he paid.
    The price he… paid

    [ audience applauding ]

    Country Singer: Thank you.

    Submitted by: Ellis Mitchell

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/94: Clinton Auditions



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 20: Episode 1











    94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

    Clinton Auditions

    President Bill Clinton…..Chris Farley
    President Bill Clinton…..David Spade
    President Bill Clinton…..Chris Elliot
    President Bill Clinton…..Adam Sandler
    President Bill Clinton…..Tim Meadows

    [ open on exterior, White House ]

    Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.

    [ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Chris Farley dressed like President Bill Clinton ]

    President Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I’m President Bill Clinton. Over the last several weeks, as the crisis in Haiti has consumed my attention, many of you might have noticed I’ve put on a few extra pounds. That’s right, I’ve got a little bit of a weight problem! You see, ol’ Bill has what doctors call a glandular disorder! Well, what in the Sam Hill.. are we gonna DO ABOUT IT?!! I’ll TELL you what we’re gonna DO!! We’re gonna JOG!! We’re gonna do some SIT-UPS!! We’re gonna lift some weights!! We’re gonna do JUMPING JACKS and CARTWHEELS!!

    [ Farley cartwheels across the Oval Office set, crashing into part of the set ]

    Director’s Voice: Thank you, Chris.

    Chris Farley: [ back on his feet ] Was that good, Davy?

    Director’s Voice: Very good.

    Chris Farley: Was that all right?

    Director’s Voice: Yes. Uh.. great energy, Chris. Next!

    [ David Spade enters set, also dressed like Clinton ]

    David Spade: Good job, Chris. Go towel off.

    Director’s Voice: Are you ready, David?

    David Spade: Yeah. Sure. Let’s try it!

    [ cut to exterior, White House ]

    Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.

    [ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, David Spade dressed like President Bill Clinton ]

    President Bill Clinton: Okay, fellow Americans. Bill Clinton here. You want to know how I solved the Haiti crisis? Listen up. First, I called Jimmy Carter. [ mimes dialing phone ] Beep-boop-bop-boop-beep-bop-beep! “Jimmy. Bill. Sick of being a loser, one-term president everyone feels sorry for? [ snidely ] Uh-then get down to Haiti! It’s called doing something useful – look into it.”

    Director’s Voice: Okay, thank you, David.

    David Spade: Uh..okay, I have one more. Uh.. the Prime Minister of Japan and I saw the movie “Wyatt Earp”; he said, “They should call it ‘Wyatt So Long?'”

    Director’s Voice: Thanks!

    [ cut to exterior, White House ]

    Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.

    [ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Chris Elliot dressed like President Bill Clinton ] [ audience applauds wildly at the sight of Chris Elliot ]

    Chris Elliot: Uh.. Hal, before we begin-

    Director’s Voice: Uh.. it’s Davey.

    Chris Elliot: Oh.. sorry, I’m new here. Uh.. Before we begin, I’d like to, uh.. let everyone know where I’m coming from with, uh.. this Bill Clinton. Um.. after studying Bill Clinton for quite some time now, I’ve discovered that there’s an astonishing similarity between our 43rd President and that other famous curmudgeon: the lat,e beloved W.C. Fields. So, with that in mind, I present.. my Bill Clinton!

    [ Chris turns around to prepare his impression ]

    Director’s Voice: Uh, you’ve got about twenty seconds left, Chris.

    Chris Elliot: [ back to camera, waves Director’s warning off ] Ungh! Ungh!

    [ Chris turns around to do his impression ]

    President Bill Clinton: Ah, yeeeesss! Ah, yes! My little chickadee! Ah, yes..

    Director’s Voice: Uh.. ten seconds, Chris. Ten seconds.

    President Bill Clinton: Ah, yes, Chelsea. Gwt away from me, kid, you’re bothering me! Where’s my drinks?

    Director’s Voice: Uh.. thank you, Chris.

    Chris Elliot: Um, Hal, I’m just having one other thought here.. um.. Lou Costello! [ breaks into character ] “I’m a baaaad boy!” Something.. something like that. Use it, don’t use it.. it’s no skin off my nose!

    [ cut to exterior, White House ]

    Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.

    [ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Adam Sandler dressed like President Bill Clinton holding a guitar ] [ audience applauds wildly at the sight of Adam Sandler ]

    President Bill Clinton: Hi. Hi, there, I’m Bill Clinton.. and I’m the President. You know, back when I was a little kid in Arkansas, I never thought I could be elected President, because of my thick Arkansas accent. But, uh.. I became President anyway, so I wrote a little song about it!

    [ singing ]

    “Love to be the President..
    Love to be the President.

    I’m the President, I think I’m so greatDid you know grizzly bears like to hibenrate?
    I like McDonald’s, and Chelsea likes eggs
    Did you ever notice Hillary’s got big legs?

    The White House has so many antiques.
    I would sneak girls in there, but the floorboards squeak.
    Got caught!

    Pres-pres-presi-presi-presi-di-doo!”

    Director’s Voice: Uh.. okay, Adam, thank you..

    President Bill Clinton: “Babies like it when you say, ‘Goo-goo-goo!'”

    Director’s Voice: Uh.. next!

    Adam Sandler: Uh, wait! I can also do his walk!

    [ Sandler performs a comic walk ] [ cut to exterior, White House ]

    Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.

    [ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Tim Meadows dressed like a black President Bill Clinton ]

    Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.

    President Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I feel your pain. Hillary and I were talking- [ breaks character ] I’m not gonna get this, am I?

    Director’s Voice: No!

    Tim Meadows: Well, uh.. can I at least start the show?

    Director’s Voice: Okay.

    Tim Meadows: Great! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/94: Goodnights



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 20: Episode 1



    94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

    Goodnights

    …..Steve Martin

    Steve Martin: I think we all had a great time here, on the first show of the 20th Anniversary season of “Saturday Night Live”. I’d like to thank Eric.. [ shakes Eric Clapton’s hand ] Brian.. [ shakes Brian Austin Green’s hand ] Everybody! Thanks a lot! Tune in every week! All our baseball stars are there! See you next week! Thanks a lot for stopping by!

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/94: hht Home Headache Test



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 20: Episode 1





    94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

    hht Home Headache Test

    Wife…..Janene Garafalo
    Husband…..Kevin Nealon
    Spokesman…..Michael McKean

    [ open on couple standing before the camera ]

    Wife: I’ve got this pain in my forehead that goes all the way to the base of my neck! It feels like I have a headache – but now can I be sure.

    Husband: I feel fine. But what if I have a really bad headache – and don’t know it?

    [ cut to Spokesman ]

    Spokesman: When you’re wondering if you have a headache, you want an answer, and you want it fast! That’s why Leland-Meyers has developed.. HHt – the first At-Home Headache Test available in the United States. To use the home headache test, simply draw a moderate amount of blood. Place it in the centerfuge. Put a drop on the tester strip. And wait two hours. If the spot turns blue, you have a headache. If the spot turns green, you don’t. If the spot turns purple, results are inconclusive; try again, with a larger blood sample. Convenient.. safe, if properly performed.. and up to 80% accurate.

    [ cut to Wife clutching her head in pain ]

    Wife: Oh, God.. I’m in agony..!

    Husband: [ holding results strip ] Honey, you don’t have a headache.

    Wife: Oh, thank God!

    Husband: [ looks at second strip ] Neither do I!

    [ they giggle happily ]

    Spokesman: The Home Headache Test. From Leland-Meyers Because, what’s worse – having a bad headache? Or not knowing you have a headache?

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/94: Steve Martin’s Monologue



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 20: Episode 1





    94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

    Steve Martin’s Monologue

    …..Steve Martin
    …..Lorne Michaels

    Steve Martin: Thank you, thank you! I am so excited to be hosting the first show of the 20th season of “Saturday Night Live”! [ audience applauds ] When Lorne called me, I told him I was so flattered that you asked me.. I mean, there’s so many people you could have asked – Tom Hanks, what an exciting summer he’s had.. or Jim Carrey, the new and exciting comedy star. And Lorne said, “Well.. they passed.”

    But it’s great to be here back live in front of people. I mean, I love doing movies, because.. well, the movies are very important to our lives. I can still remember sitting in a darkenedmovie theater with my arm around 17-year old Mary Jo Rasmussin, trying to get to first base. I can even remember the name of the movie: “The Lion King”.

    But.. this is what I really love – standing up live in front of people. So, I wrote a little comedy monologue, and, uh.. I hope you like it! So, here it goes.

    [ clears throat ] Have you ever been shopping? Well, uh.. the other day, ah.. I was in the supermarket, and I’m pushing the.. cart down the aisle.. [ laughs ] ..and you know how tough that can be! With those.. crazy carts! And I turn the corner, and I’m in the aisle.. with the soups! Well! There’s so many different varieties of soup, you know, I really can’t make up my mind! Because it’s, like, a whole area.. of.. soup! [ laughs ] [ Steve freezes in place, as his inner self emerges to evaluate the situation ]

    Steve’s Inner Self: Oh.. boy, oh boy.. this supermarket bit is dying! How can it be so bad? I mean.. when did I come up with this supermarket bit? [ thinking ] Hmm..?

    [ dissolve to footage of Steve pushing a cart at the supermarket, with his two bodyguards in tow. He stops in the soup aisle, and loads his cart with soup. Close-up on Steve’s face as a realization hits him. ]

    Steve Martin: I’ve got my monologue!

    [ cut to Steve discussing the idea with SNL’s writing staff ]

    Steve Martin: ..And I’m at the checkout stand.. and I’ve got a cart.. filled.. with soup! Because I couldn’t decide on which kind! And the cashier’s looking at me, you know, like I’m crazy!

    [ SNL’s writers laugh politely ]

    Steve Martin: Doesn’t that sound funny!

    [ cut to Steve explaining the set-up to an NBC Page ]

    Steve Martin: ..Me in a supermarket, and I’m trying to buy some soup. But there’s so many different varieties, you know? I don’t know which one to buy! So I’m loading up the cart – does that sound funny to you?

    NBC Page: [ politely ] That sounds.. very funny..!

    [ cut to Steve explaining the monologue to Lorne Michaels ]

    Steve Martin: So, first I talk about, you know, it’s an aisle completely filled with soup! Big laugh.

    Lorne Michaels: Ri-ight.

    Steve Martin: Then I do.. the names of the soups. You know – laugh, laugh, laugh, applause.

    Lorne Michaels: Right.

    Steve Martin: Now, here’s my question. Which is funnier – chicken with rice.. or gumbo.

    Lorne Michaels: [ thinking ] Gumbo.

    Steve Martin: Chicken gumbo.. or just plain gumbo?

    Lorne Michaels: Just plain gumbo.

    Steve Martin: [ pleased ] Yeahhh.. [ laughs ] Yea-ha-ha-yeahhh!

    [ dissolve back to Steve performing his bad monologue in front of the audience ]

    Steve Martin: ..And.. gumbo! [ continues ] So, now, I’m back at the cashier.. and she’s looking at me like I’m nuts! You know! So much soup!

    [ Steve freezes in place again, as his inner self once again emerges to evaluate the situation ]

    Steve’s Inner Self: Oh, my God! I told him not to do this bit! Now he’s going to be depressed all week. I know how it is.. he’s going to be moping around the house, and then he’s going to get out tapes of his old films, and we’re going to have to look at them, over and over and over! “Oh, I was good in “The Jerk”, wasn’t I?” Oh, yeah, you were really good in thatfourteen YEARS ago!! And then he’s gonna go on and on and on about the summer movies, you know? “I was this close to getting that part in “True Lies” – this close! But, noooo! They don’t think of me that way! No, they don’t think of me as an “action” star! No! They have to go cast Jamie Lee Curtis!

    Well.. stick around, we have a great show. Eric Clapton is here.. Idiot is here! We’ll be right back.

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/94: Nut-rific



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 20: Episode 1





    94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

    Nut-rific

    Dan Sinaki…..Kevin Nealon
    Bruce Riley…..Chris Elliot
    Lead Jingler…..Michael McKean
    Back-up Jinglers…..Ellen Cleghorne, Jay Mohr, Janene Garafalo
    Warner…..Mike Myers
    Executive #1…..Steve Martin
    Executive #2…..Chris Farley
    Executive #3…..Laura Kightlinger
    Jingle Writer…..Tim Meadows

    [ open on Nut-rific board meeting ]

    Dan Sinaki: Well.. as everyone knows, the Nut-rific candy bar has one key selling point. And that, of course, is.. nuts!

    [ everyone shares a hearty laugh at the joke ]

    Bruce Riley: Exactly! And we’re talking major nuts! When people think Nut-rific.. they have to think “That’s the candy bar with more nuts.” Remember that, as you listen to your new Nut-rific theme.

    [ everyone looks toward the Jingle singers standing against the wall ]

    Lead Jingler: 1, 2, 3, 4..

    Back-up Jinglers:
    “Nut-rific!
    Nut-rific.. Nut-rific, Nut-rific!”

    Lead Jingler: It’s nut-very good!

    [ jingle ends ]

    Dan Sinaki: Yes! Very nice! Very nice.

    Bruce Riley: Wonderful! Now, we’re going to do the song all the way through the commercial, pretty much just like that, but with kind of a doo-wop cha-cha-cha!

    Dan Sinaki: That’s right! That’s right – and we’ll film it at a high school, with all these giant, dancing nuts. You know?

    Warner: Excuse me?

    Bruce Riley: Yes.

    Warner: I’m sorry, but, uh.. why does the jingle say that our candy bar is bad?

    Dan Sinaki: [ confused ] Come again?

    Executive #1: You seem to be saying that Nut-rific doesn’t taste good.

    Bruce Riley: Ah.. and who exactly is saying that?

    Executive #1: Well.. you are. The jingle says “Nut-rific is not very good.”

    Bruce Riley: Wha..? Oh!

    [ Bruce and Dan laugh at the comic misunderstanding ]

    Dan Sinaki: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No, no, no! No! No. It’s.. nut-very good. It’s.. nut..-very good.

    [ they continue to laugh ]

    Bruce Riley: It’s like it’s.. nut-tastic! Or, or.. nut-licious! But this is “It’s nut-very good.

    Executive #1: But won’t our customers misinterpret that?

    [ silence in the room, as everyone considers this newfound information ]

    Executive #2: I mean.. they’ll think, “Nut-rific is bad? Well.. I don’t want to eat that, I’ll have this candy bar over here..

    Bruce Riley: Okay, look, I see, uh.. that there’s a problem here, so, uh.. why don’t we call this to a halt here, and we’ll reconvene in about a week’s time. Uh.. at which point, we’ll have rewritten the jingle, so as to make it, uh.. very clear that, uh.. Nut-rific is indeed a very good candy bar. Agreed? Good.

    [ dissolve to exterior view of office building, with SUPER: “One Week Later”; dissolve to interior meeting room ]

    Warner: Well, alright. Let’s bring out Bruce and Dan.

    [ Bruce and Dan re-enter the conference room ]

    Bruce Riley: Okay, thank you, uh.. folks, with your suggestions in mind, I think we’ve worked out the little kinks in our jingle here. So.. without any further ado, your new and improved Nut-rific theme!

    [ everyone looks toward the Jingle singers standing against the wall ]

    Lead Jingler: 1, 2, 3, 4..

    Back-up Jinglers:
    “Nut-rific!
    Nut-rific.. Nut-rific, Nut-rific!”

    Lead Jingler: It does nut taste good!

    [ jingle ends ] [ Dan and Bruce applaud their newest efforts ]

    Dan Sinaki: Okay! Comments?

    Executive #1: Yeah. Well, that’s even worse than before!

    Bruce Riley: [ thinking ] Uhhh.. no. Better! You mean it’s better that before?

    Executive #1: No! Worse before! It sounds like “It does not taste good!”

    Warner: Exactly.

    Bruce Riley: [ sighs heavily ] O-kay.. uhhhh, look. I have been writing commercial jingles for quite some time now.. There are those who would suggest I’m rather good at that job! Hence, the 1992 Mercury Sabre parked outside!

    Dan Sinaki: [ trying to calm Bruce down ] Alright, alright, alright..

    Bruce Riley: I have made some money in this business..!

    Dan Sinaki: Let me set the scene. Alright? Please. [ setting up the scene ] It’s Prom Night.. at the All-Nut high school. And all the nut kids, they’re trading high fives, they’re saying, “It does nut taste good!” “It does nut taste good!”

    Lead Jingler: “It does nut taste good.”

    Back-up Jinglers:
    “Nut-rific!
    Nut-rific.. Nut-rific, Nut-rific!”

    Warner: Okay! Okay! Thank you. But.. Nut-rific tastes very good.

    Executive #1: You’re telling people that it doesn’t!

    Bruce Riley: Okay, I think I’ve heard enough – these people do not want to sell candy bars..

    Dan Sinaki: Bruce, Bruce.. wait! Will you excuse us?

    Bruce Riley: I cannot work with these morons!

    Dan Sinaki: Bruce, calm down.. [ pulls Bruce off to the side ]

    Bruce Riley: [ screaming ] I will NOT calm down!! If they want to write their OWN jingle, then I’d like to see them TRY!!

    Back-up Jinglers:
    “Nut-rific!
    Nut-rific.. Nut-rific, Nut-rific!”

    Dan Sinaki: Uh.. Bruce and I talked about it, and.. we’re gonna have another crack at this.

    Bruce Riley: [ sarcastic ] Yeah.. we’re just gonna go back and fix what ain’t broke!

    Dan Sinaki: [ laughing ] Maybe the third time will be the charm!

    [ dissolve to exterior view of office building, with SUPER: “One Week Later”; dissolve to interior meeting room ]

    Dan Sinaki: Without further ado.. your new, new.. Nut-rific theme.

    [ everyone looks toward the Jingle singers standing against the wall ]

    Back-up Jinglers:
    “Outragrous
    Nut-tastic!More nuts, more nu-uts!

    Lead Jingler: It’s just got more nuts!

    [ jingle ends ]

    Executive #2: [ pleased ] Yes!

    Warner: Thank you very much! That’s exactly what we’ve been talking about!

    Dan Sinaki: Whoa, whoa, whoa.. I-I’m sorry, this is a little embarrassing, but that-that.. that was something we were working on for the Creedmore Psychiatric Institute.

    Bruce Riley: Yes. You, uh.. you weren’t supposed to hear that one..

    Dan Sinaki: No, no.. This is your jingle..

    [ everyone looks toward the Jingle singers standing against the wall ]

    Lead Jingler: 1, 2, 3, 4..

    Back-up Jinglers:
    “Nut-rific!
    Nut-rific.. Nut-rific, Nut-rific!”

    Lead Jingler: It’s not something you’d want to put in your mouth!

    [ jingle ends ]

    Executive #1: Okay, that’s it, we’ve heard enough! I mean, this isn’t working out here!

    Bruce Riley: Oh, well that’s just great!

    Dan Sinaki: Hey, listen, we have met you more than halfway!

    Bruce Riley: Need I remind you it was not our idea to rewrite the jingle in the first place!

    Executive #1: Enough!! Out! Out! Out!

    [ dissolve to exterior view of office building, with SUPER: “One Week Later”; dissolve to interior meeting room ]

    Jingle Writer: So, once again, on behalf of our entire agency, I apologize for Bruce and Dans’ incompetence. And, from now on, I’ll be handling your campaign personally. and I think you’re gonna love what I’ve done with the Nut-rific theme.

    [ everyone looks toward the Jingle singers standing against the wall ]

    Lead Jingler: 1, 2, 3, 4..

    Back-up Jinglers:
    “Nut-rific!
    Nut-rific.. Nut-rific, Nut-rific!”

    Lead Jingler: The candy that’s made by Nutzis!

    Jinglers: Nut-rific!!

    [ jingle ends ] [ the executives are quiet for a moment, then begin to nod their heads and clap their approval for the new jingle.. as the scene zooms out to fade ]

    SNL Transcripts