Courtney Cox: Thank you! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I’m having a fantastic year, with my new show “Friends”. And, uh.. you know, everywhere I go, people are always asking me, “Are you guys really friends?” and, the truth is, uh.. not really. We all have slept together, but.. you know. Sometimes in just twos, and, you know, usually threes and fours, but..
Anyway, tonight’s a really special night for me. Ten years ago, someone gave me my first break by putting me in a music video! And.. that person just happens to be here tonight. Come on!
[ band breaks in with “Dancing From The Dark”, as Bruce Springsteen rises from the audience ]
Bruce Springsteen: [ singing a bit mumbly ]“I get up in the evening and I ain’t got nothing to say I come home in the morning I go to bed feeling the same way I ain’t nothing but tired Man I’m just tired and bored with myself Hey there baby, I could use just a little help
You can’t start a fire You can’t start a fire without a spark This gun’s for hire even if we’re just dancing in the dark..”
Courtney Cox: Anyway, that’s great! Thank you! We’ve got a great show tonight..
[ Springsteen continues to sing ]
Courtney Cox: Thank you.. There’s something happening somewhere..
[ Springsteen continues to sing ]
Courtney Cox: Bruce Springsteen, ladies and gentlemen!
[ Springsteen continues to sing ]
Courtney Cox: Okay, anyway, thank you, folks, we’ve got a great show..
[ Springsteen relentlessly continues to sing, hogging Cox’s limelight ]
Courtney Cox: We’ve got a great show tonight – Dave Matthews Band is here, and we’ll be right back! Stick around!
Bill Blake…..Michael McKean Wendy…..Molly Shannon Edie…..Courteney Cox Charles…..Jay Mohr
[ shot in black-and-white, styled as film noir ]
[ open in the office of Bill Blake, Editor in Chief of New York Poetry Gazette ]
Bill Blake: [ on the phone ] Yeah, yeah, McCleaf, I know you’ve been under a lot of pressure lately! But this stuff’s just plain second-rate! I mean, come on! [ reads ] “The scent of her hair is of rain on the dust of her shoulders”? Not only is patently opaque, it’s not even iambic pentameter! Take another pass, and, this time, block that metaphor! [ hangs up ]
[ knock at the door ]
Bill Blake: Yeah? [ Wendy rushes in, nearly stumbling ] What rough beast sloshes toward my desk!
Wendy: It’s me, Wendy.
Bill Blake: Right. That was irony.
Wendy: What was?
Bill Blake: Uh.. skip it, sister. What have you got?
Wendy: Okay. Your attorney called – said he doesn’t think we can run the Wallace Stevens poem unless he’s dead.
Bill Blake: Unless my attorney’s dead?
Wendy: Unless Stevens is dead.
Bill Blake: Ah. Call Research, have ’em, uh..
Wendy: I did!
Bill Blake: Uh-huh? You did? He’s alive?
Wendy: Well, aren’t you happy for him?
Bill Blake: Ah, a shudder of joy runs up the trunk. What else you got?
Wendy: Uh.. W.H. Arden called, he still hasn’t been paid for the piece we ran in February.
Bill Blake: Tell him if God wanted poets to be rich –
Wendy: He’d be running a poetry magazine?
Bill Blake: Now, that’s irony! What else?
Wendy: Uh.. Edie Skipwell called, she’s on her way over to see you.
Bill Blake: [ alarmed ] What?! Why didn’t you say so! When’s she coming?
Wendy: Uh, she said in about five minutes..
Bill Blake: When’d she say that?
Together: ..About five minutes ago!
Bill Blake: [ shakes fist ] Why, I oughtta..
[ Edie enters ]
Edie: Well, well, well.. if it isn’t the late Billy Blake. Hi ya, tiger. Still burning bright?
Bill Blake: Uh.. Edie, Wendy. Wendy, scram!
[ Wendy exits ]
Edie: He’s murder on the secretaries, honey.
Bill Blake: Uh, not always.
Edie: Oh, yeah? There was a girl from Nantucket.
Bill Blake: Ah, she worked out okay. [ chuckles ] So, what are you doing here? Looking for a job, I bet.
Edie: [ laughs ] That’s rich.
Bill Blake: Yeah.. Sure, laugh thy girlish laughter, then a moment later weep thy girlish tears.
Edie: Ah, fat chance. I’m married now – the woman is perfected.
Bill Blake: Well, a little early in the day for Sylvia Plath, isn’t it?
Edie: Hubby likes Sylvia Plath.
Bill Blake: How is hubby, still insane?
Edie: As Robert Burton said, “All poets are mad.”
Bill Blake: And as Richard Burton said, “Honey, you’re putting on a little weight!” [ laughs ]
Edie: Oh. I’m ready with you sweetie, and completely untrue.
Bill Blake: Uh-huh.
[ Charles rushes in ]
Charles: Oh, gee, I’m sorry, Mr. Blake! I was looking for Wendy!
Edie: Ah, a little sweet on the girl, eh?
Charles: Ah, my heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains my sense, if that’s what you mean.
Bill Blake: Tell you what you do, Charles – take a cold shower. The hind that would be mated with the lion must die of love.
Charles: I hope not. [ exits office ]
Bill Blake: [ laughs ]
Edie: The same old bubbling touch with the hired help, eh, Billy?
Bill Blake: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. so what are you doing here if you’re not looking for your old job back?
Edie: Well, I got a hot tip, I thought I’d pass it along.
Bill Blake: Talk to me like the rain, and let me listen, toots!
Edie: Okay. Well, a pal of hubby’s, auctioneer by trade, washed up on the shore of our place this weekend, with a manuscript of unpublished Ezra Pound.
Bill Blake: Get out!!
Edie: Truth, like a bastard, comes into the world.
Bill Blake: Yeah, yeah.. Milton. Go on!
Edie: Well, if you’d like to talk to the guy, I can set it up.
Bill Blake: Baby, you’re the greatest!
Bill Blake: Gleason.
[ phone rings ]
Edie: Hadn’t you better get that?
Bill Blake: [ answers ] Blake here. Yeah.. oh, my God, it’s e.e. cummings.. e? e? e.e.? Yeah, okay, go ahead. Buffalo Bill’s defunct.. used to write a water-smooth, silver standing..
Edie: Nothing in this world becomes you more like in leaving it. [ gets up to leave ]
Bill Blake: Yeah, yeah, I’ll call you back. [ hangs up ] Edie? Edie, don’t go. Don’t you know how I feel about you, kid? This love should grow vaster than empires.
Edie: And more slow. No dice, Billy. At my back, I always here Time’s winged chariot hurrying near.
Bill Blake: Well, you can’t blame a guy for trying.
[ Edie exits; Wendy quickly runs back in ]
Wendy: Mr. Blake? Uh, you got a call from some guy..
Bill Blake: Wendy, come here.
Bill Blake: Give me those glasses.. [ removes her glasses ] Charles!
Charles: Yes, Mr. Blake?
Bill Blake: Charles, Wendy. Wendy, Charles. [ they stare intently at one other, as Bill exits his office ] I’ll give them a week!
Jack Handey V/O: When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
[ CELTICS TITLE CARD – A MESSAGE FROM TONY VALLENCOURT. ]
Tony Vallencourt (V/O): And now a message from lifelong Boston resident andwicked huge Celtics fan, Tony Vallencourt.
[ INT. DMV OFFICE DESK – DAY ]
[ TONY VALLENCOURT, a man in his late 20’s wearing a mullet and plaidshirt, sits at a desk holding a Budweiser. ]
Tony Vallencourt: Hey there! I’m Tony Vallencourt, speaking here from mysister’s desk at the DMV branch near Faneuil Hall in Boston. As you are nodoubt aware, the Celtics played their last game ever in the historicBoston Garden. Now the Garden is history and all I have left are a fewwicked awesome memories.
Like the time Tommy Gilbody and me were at the Lakers game in September1984. We were sitting in two of the famous Garden’s “obstructed view”seats, under the balcony and behind a wicked huge “po-st”. We could seeone basket and the lower half of the scoreboard, but not much else. Andthe 14 shots of pre-game Bacardi weren’t making things any clearer.
The temperature outside was 40 below zero and the Garden’s heating system,as usual, was “in the crapper”. To stay warm, my buddy and I beat theliving hell out of two older ladies who were cheering for the Lakers.”We’re wife and mothers of the other players”, they cried, as we laid intothem hardcore with a few pairs of numchucks. I swear to God, at one point,Robert Parrish – the Chief himself – looked up to me and screamed, “Heypsycho! You’re ruining the game! Get him out of the Garden!” The securityguards, always quick to heed the Chief’s instructions, tossed my arseright out onto Beacon Street.
As I laid on the concrete, I thought of one word — pisser. Then there wasthe time my buddy Kevin Sheehan got my playoff seats in Section 127, wherethe floor sinks down and all the rats live. They were there! They were thesize of dogs, pally! By halftime, I had been bitten by so many rodents, Iwas hallucinating. I was wicked-wicked-pisser!
For a while, I imagined I could actually see the court; which of course,was completely hidden behind a collapsed wall and a humungous fat guy! Wewere torn. Or how about the Celtics versus Sixers 1981? Our seats were infabled Section 268 — inside the boiler room. Down a step ladder andbehind yet another wicked huge post. What a game!
In the first quarter, Julius Irving had actually blocked one of LarryBird’s jump shots with his giant afro. So at halftime, my buddy Fitzy andI, snuck into the Sixers locker room and shaved Dr. J’s head bald. Pisser?I think so, pal.
On our way back to our seats, we spotted those same old ladies from theLakers game and shaved their heads too! Making the evening even morepisser! If such a thing is possible…
The Boston Garden. There’s so much I’ll miss. Like the time we stole MosesMalone’s size 35 sneaker and used it as a canoe on the Charles River. Orthe time we beat up that organ player for not knowing the song “FreezeFrame” by the great J. Geils Band.
So tonight people of Boston, drink an entire pony keg in honor of theGarden. And in the words of Larry Bird, “The McChicken sandwich is awicked pisser of a sandwich. And, Live, from New York, it’s SaturdayNight!”
[ open on a spiraling overhead shot of the G.E. Building ]
[ SUPER: “30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York City, 11:30 PM” ]
[ dissolve to David Duchovny’s dressing room. Duchovny studies his lines, as Ellen Cleghorne enters ]
Ellen Cleghorne: Heeeey! Good luck tonight, David!
David Duchovny: Thanks, Ellen.
Ellen Cleghorne: Hey, you know, it’s a really lucky thing that you’re hosting, you know it’s really great the you’re here. And, um, you know, I just love “The X-Files”.
David Duchovny: Well, thanks.
Ellen Cleghorne: It’s just that, you know, a lot of weird things have been going on here?
David Duchovny: What do you mean, weird?
Ellen Cleghorne: Um.. like.. ohhhh.. I don’t know. People vanishing, alien apparitions, Deion Sanders hosting. That kind of weird.
David Duchovny: Uh, Ellen, I really should be getting ready for the show —
[ a loud scream is heard offscreen ]
David Duchovny: What was that?
Ellen Cleghorne: Oh, come on!
[ Ellen and Duchovny run out of his dressing room, and discover Molly Shannon in the hall ]
David Duchovny: Molly! Molly, what happened?
Molly Shannon: I don’t know..! I was just.. I was just grabbing a snack before the show, and, then all of a sudden, it was here..!
David Duchovny: What? What was here?
Molly Shannon: It was hairy.. oh God, it was horrible!
David Duchovny: [ to Ellen ] Get her out of here, get her out of here.
[ Ellen leads Molly down the hall ]
David Spade: David. Check this out.
David Duchovny: What have you got, Spade?
[ they crouch on the floor over a huge footprint ]
David Spade: Some sort of footprint.
David Duchovny: That’s too big to be a human footprint. It must be some kind of animal. Get a plaster cast made of that.
David Spade: Right, I’ll.. take it to my lab.
[ Duchovny stands and passes Jay Mohr, Morwenna Banks and Adam Sandler leaning against the snack table ]
David Duchovny: What about any of you? Any of you see anything?
Adam Sandler: Uh-uh.
Morwenna Banks: No.
[ Kevin Nealon appears from another hallway ]
Kevin Nealon: Psst! David! Over here!
David Duchovny: What is it, Kevin?
Kevin Nealon: David, I’ve been a cast member on this show for nine years, and I’ve seen a lot of strange things, and tonight’s my last show.
David Duchovny: Kevin, does any of this have a point?
Kevin Nealon: No. I just wanted to remind people tonight’s my last show.
David Duchovny: Alright.
Kevin Nealon: You know, maybe.. maybe people could throw me a party.
David Duchovny: Kevin, I —
Kevin Nealon: Just keep it simple. Maybe make it a surprise party, or something.
David Duchovny: Hey, Kevin —
Kevin Nealon: You ever hear of the Beast Man of Studio 8-H?
David Duchovny: Beast Man? What Beast Man?
Kevin Nealon: Well, some of the older guys on the crew tell this story about this horrible man-beast who lives in the studio, back behind all the sets.
David Duchovny: You sure you’re not talking about the ghost of John Belushi?
Kevin Nealon: No, he haunts the 17th floor.
David Duchovny: What about the ghost of Joe Piscopo?
Kevin Nealon: Joe Piscopo isn’t dead.
David Duchovny: Oh, right, right, he’s alive..
Kevin Nealon: Look, David, whatever happens – trust no one.
David Duchovny: Well, Kevin, if I can’t trust anyone, how can I trust you?
Kevin Nealon: Look, I gotta get ready for my surprise party. Be careful.
[ Kevin exits down the hall ]
David Duchovny: [ to himself ] I’m gonna go talk to Lorne.
[ dissolve to the eerie presence of Lorne Michael’s office, dramatic music surrounds the atmosphere ]
[ Duchovny enters ]
David Duchovny: Lorne? Can I have a word with you?
Lorne Michaels: Come in, David.
David Duchovny: You set me up, didn’t you, Lorne? That’s why you wanted me to host the show. Nobody here’s even heard of “The X-Files”, but you want me to take car of your Beast Man problem. Well, I won’t do it! I won’t do your dirty work!
[ Michael McKean creeps out from behind the shadows ]
Michael McKean: Don’t be silly, Mr. Duchovny. You’ve wanted to host the show ever since you became an actor. Now oyu have your chance. So you’ll catch the Beast Man for us. And you’ll do our little sketches, and you’ll wear our silly costumes. Because it’s all a game, Mr. Duchovny. And, right now, you’re holding the losing hand. Isn’t that right, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: Yes, sir!
[ Michael McKean chuckles as Duchovny exits Lorne’s office ]
Michael McKean: Be seeing you again, Mr. Duchovny. [ extinguishes his cigarette on Lorne’s desk ]
[ dissolve to Duchovny explaining his plan of action to Mark McKinney ]
David Duchovny: Well, I put some fresh cookies out, so maybe the Beast Man will —
[ a loud, girlish scream is heard offscreen ]
[ Mark McKinney ducks for cover, as Duchovny runs toward the scream he assumes to be Molly Shannon ]
David Duchovny: Molly! Molly, did you see it again?
Molly Shannon: Oh. No, actually, that wasn’t me screaming. It was Chris.
Chris Elliot: Yeah, it was.. me screaming. I’m sorry, my voice gets a little high when I get scared. Thank you very much, Molly!
David Duchovny: That’s okay, Chris.
Chris Elliot: Well.. I.. she..
David Duchovny: What did you see?
Chris Elliot: Well, it was the Beast Man. I was eating, and he just came by, he grabbed my food.. and he went off, and —
[ something resembling the Beast Man casually walks down the far hall, causing Chris Elliot to scream like a little girl again ]
Chris Elliot: Auuugghhhh!! There he is!!
[ Duchovny runs down the hall ]
David Duchovny: Beast Man! Beast Man, don’t be afraid! I won’t hurt you!
[ Duchovny reaches the Beast Man, which turns out to be Chris Farley wearing a furry jacket ]
David Duchovny: Chris!
Chris Farley: Hey, David.. [ uncomfortable ]
David Duchovny: You’re the Beast Man?
Chris Farley: Um.. yeah.. sorry, I thought it was gonna be funny.. sorry.. [ slaps himself on the forehead ] Idiot! Stupid! Moron!
David Duchovny: It’s alright, it’s alright. Just don’t do it again.
Chris Farley: Okay, I’m sorry. Hey.. David. Um.. you know, the, um.. “X-Files” show? That is excellent!
David Duchovny: [ pleased ] Oh, really, you watch it?
Chris Farley: Um.. no. But.. [ can’t think of anything more to say ]
David Duchovny: That’s alright, Chris. Come on.
Chris Farley: Okay.
[ they exit down as the hall, as the real Beast Man suddenly appears where they stood, creeps down to devour an armful of cookies while making Beast Man growls, then turns back the way he came ]
[ dissolve back to Michael McKean sitting at Lorne Michaels’ desk watching a tiny TV screen. He picks up the tellephone. ]
Michael McKean: Mr. Duchovny’s getting a little too close to the truth. He may have to be stopped. Proceed with Operation: “Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night.”
Pete Toman…..Kevin Nealon Announcer…..Jay Mohr Danny Wilson…..Adam Sandler Eileen Gallagher…..Molly Shannon Ron Powell…..David Duchovny …..Naomi Campbell
(Music Cue: “Tuning Up” by Ken Aldin)
Announcer: And now it’s time for “You Think You’re Better Than Me?”, and here’s your host, former dock worker Pete Toman.
Pete Toman: Hey! Welcome to “You Think You’re Better Than Me?”, the show for regular guys. Not uppity guys who think they’re better than us! Alright, our first contestant is Ron Powell. It says here, Ron, you enjoy making knives out of beer bottles and skidooing.
Ron Powell: Yeah, so what?
Pete Toman: Alright, our next contestant is currently between jobs and has a plate in her head. Welcome Eileen Gallagher. Alright, it says here , Eileen, you grew up without much money but went to school with a lot of rich people.
Eileen Gallagher: Yeah, I hated all of them bastards. I hated ’em.
Pete Toman: Alright, our third contestant is Danny Wilson. Danny, it says here you once punched a guy in the face just because he was seated in the first class section of an airplane.
Danny Wilson: Yep.
Pete Toman: It also says you can not read.
Danny Wilson: Yep.
Pete Toman: Alright, let’s start the game. Here’s our catregories: “Cut off by a Mercedes,” “People who have been on a boat,” “What’s wrong with Haggar Slacks?,” “Can’t get into the nightclub,” “College boys,” “That guy on that show,” “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” Ron, let’s start with you.
Ron Powell: I’ll take “Cut off by a Mercedes” for 300, Pete.
Pete Toman: Okay, You’re drivin down the highway, mindin’ your own business, and some guy with a pony tail drivin a
(Danny rings in)
Danny Wilson: Pull up beside the guy, stick my ass out the window and scream “You think you’re better than me?”
Pete Toman: Damn straight! Friggin’ fruitcake with a ponytail! That’s right, that’s right. Danny, you pick the category.
Danny Wilson: Um, eh, ah, uh, the one on the right for 100.
Pete Toman: Okay, “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” Here’s the question: You wake up on the beach, you’re waking on, your head hurts, you’re hungry, you see a restaurant, you walk in and right away some Chinese guy with an English accent points to a sign that says “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” What do you do?
(Eileen rings in)
Eileen Gallagher: Uh, put my shirt back on?
Pete Toman: No.
(Ron rings in)
Pete Toman: Ron.
Ron Powell: Stare the guy down until he realizes he’s a woman, go home, come back later that night, burn the place down.
Pete Toman: You got it Ron! Alright, alright. Very nice, very nice. Pick another category.
Ron Powell: I’ll take “That guy on that show” for 200 please.
Pete Toman: Okey dokey, here’s the clue: You know that guy on that show who walks around all high and mighty acting like he knows so much? He needs a punch in the face…
(Danny rings in)
Pete Toman: Danny.
Danny Wilson: Peter Jennings!
Pete Toman: I hear ya, Danny! I hear ya! Alright, choose a category.
Danny Wilson: Uhh, you pick it.
Pete Toman: Alright, how about “Can’t get into that nightclub” for 400 dollars. Alright, let’s see: You’re standing outside a nightclub. The bouncer tells you he can’t let anymore people inside but 30 seconds later he lets five guys wearing makeup in. What do you do?
(Eileen rings in)
Pete Toman: Eileen.
Eileen Gallagher: Take my shirt off?
Pete Toman: No.
Eileen Gallagher: Damn it!
(Ron rings in)
Pete Toman: Ron.
Ron Powell: Stare the guy down until he asks you to come in, then say “No! Now I don’t wanna come in!”, come home, take a nap, come back at five in the morning, burn the place down.
Pete Toman: That’s right Ron! You are right! Very nice, very nice. Jeez, we are out of time. Ron and Danny, you’re uh tied which means you’re going to our tiebreaker round. Eileen, you have 0 points, time for you to leave.
Eileen Gallagher: Okay, you all think you’re better than me, dontcha? You think your CRAP don’t STINK? You’re garbage! You’re all garbage!
Pete Toman: Alright, settle down. The tiebreaker category is “box seats”, “box seats.” Here’s the question: You’re sitting in the upper deck and you spot an empty box seat and sit there. Five minutes later, an usher asks to see your ticket. Everyone is staring at you. What do you do?
(think music, players write their answers)
Pete Toman: All right, time’s up. Ron, let’s see what you got here. Okay, (reading from Ron’s placard) “Tell them you don’t have a ticket for that seat but you’re not going to move, Continue watching the game while they round up six or seven security guards to physically remove you, get dragged out screaming ‘You’re all gonna pay!’, come back later, realize you can’t burn the whole stadium down, follow a security guard home, burn his house down.”
Pete Toman: That’s correct! All right! Nice playing Ronnie! Okay, how about you Danny?
(Danny holds up his placard full of illegible scribbles)
Pete Toman: Oh yeah, you don’t know how to write either.
Danny Wilson: Yep.
Pete Toman: All right. Ron, you’re our new champion! Let’s go to the bonus round!
(Naomi Campbell walks in)
Pete Toman: Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to supermodel Naomi Campbell. Nice to meet you Naomi. Okay Ron, you will win a brand new El Camino and a pair of Dingo Boots just like Joe Namath used to wear if you can talk to Naomi for 60 seconds without saying “You think you’re better than me?” Okay, you ready, Ron?
Ron Powell: You bet
Pete Toman: Okay start now.
Ron Powell: So, Naomi, you want to do something after this show?
Naomi Campbell: Maybe some other time.
Ron Powell: What, have you got a boyfriend or something?
Naomi Campbell: No, I don’t have time for boyfriends.
Ron Powell: Who do you like better, Fuji or Tanaka?
Naomi Campbell: I’m not into photos or wrestling.
Ron Powell: What, you think you’re… You think you’re… tall?
Naomi Campbell: Well, I guess so.
Ron Powell: how much did that dress cost?
Naomi Campbell: Actually, Versace gave it to me.
Ron Powell: What, do you think you’re better than me?
Pete Toman: Oh, sorry Ron! You messed up, you messed up, but you can try again next week on “You think you’re better than me?” Good night!