Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is,
don’t run with wooden stakes.
Category: 1994
SNL Transcripts: Bob Saget: 05/06/95: A Message From Tony Vallencourt
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 19
A Message From Tony Vallencourt
Tony Vallencourt…..Adam Sandler
FADE IN:
[ CELTICS TITLE CARD – A MESSAGE FROM TONY VALLENCOURT. ]
Tony Vallencourt (V/O): And now a message from lifelong Boston resident andwicked huge Celtics fan, Tony Vallencourt.
[ INT. DMV OFFICE DESK – DAY ]
[ TONY VALLENCOURT, a man in his late 20’s wearing a mullet and plaidshirt, sits at a desk holding a Budweiser. ]
Tony Vallencourt: Hey there! I’m Tony Vallencourt, speaking here from mysister’s desk at the DMV branch near Faneuil Hall in Boston. As you are nodoubt aware, the Celtics played their last game ever in the historicBoston Garden. Now the Garden is history and all I have left are a fewwicked awesome memories.
Like the time Tommy Gilbody and me were at the Lakers game in September1984. We were sitting in two of the famous Garden’s “obstructed view”seats, under the balcony and behind a wicked huge “po-st”. We could seeone basket and the lower half of the scoreboard, but not much else. Andthe 14 shots of pre-game Bacardi weren’t making things any clearer.
The temperature outside was 40 below zero and the Garden’s heating system,as usual, was “in the crapper”. To stay warm, my buddy and I beat theliving hell out of two older ladies who were cheering for the Lakers.”We’re wife and mothers of the other players”, they cried, as we laid intothem hardcore with a few pairs of numchucks. I swear to God, at one point,Robert Parrish – the Chief himself – looked up to me and screamed, “Heypsycho! You’re ruining the game! Get him out of the Garden!” The securityguards, always quick to heed the Chief’s instructions, tossed my arseright out onto Beacon Street.
As I laid on the concrete, I thought of one word — pisser. Then there wasthe time my buddy Kevin Sheehan got my playoff seats in Section 127, wherethe floor sinks down and all the rats live. They were there! They were thesize of dogs, pally! By halftime, I had been bitten by so many rodents, Iwas hallucinating. I was wicked-wicked-pisser!
For a while, I imagined I could actually see the court; which of course,was completely hidden behind a collapsed wall and a humungous fat guy! Wewere torn. Or how about the Celtics versus Sixers 1981? Our seats were infabled Section 268 — inside the boiler room. Down a step ladder andbehind yet another wicked huge post. What a game!
In the first quarter, Julius Irving had actually blocked one of LarryBird’s jump shots with his giant afro. So at halftime, my buddy Fitzy andI, snuck into the Sixers locker room and shaved Dr. J’s head bald. Pisser?I think so, pal.
On our way back to our seats, we spotted those same old ladies from theLakers game and shaved their heads too! Making the evening even morepisser! If such a thing is possible…
The Boston Garden. There’s so much I’ll miss. Like the time we stole MosesMalone’s size 35 sneaker and used it as a canoe on the Charles River. Orthe time we beat up that organ player for not knowing the song “FreezeFrame” by the great J. Geils Band.
So tonight people of Boston, drink an entire pony keg in honor of theGarden. And in the words of Larry Bird, “The McChicken sandwich is awicked pisser of a sandwich. And, Live, from New York, it’s SaturdayNight!”
Submitted by: Cody Downs
David Duchovny: 05/13/95
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
May 13th, 1995
David Duchovny
Seal
Naomi Campbell
Recurring Characters: Hank Gelfand, Beverly Gelfand.
The Beastman of Studio 8-H
The Beastman of Studio 8-H
…..David Duchovny
…..Ellen Cleghorne
…..Molly Shannon
…..David Spade
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Adam Sandler
…..Morwenna Banks
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Michael McKean
…..Chris Elliot
…..Chris Farley
Beast Man…..Fred Wolf
[ open on a spiraling overhead shot of the G.E. Building ]
[ SUPER: “30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York City, 11:30 PM” ]
[ dissolve to David Duchovny’s dressing room. Duchovny studies his lines, as Ellen Cleghorne enters ]
Ellen Cleghorne: Heeeey! Good luck tonight, David!
David Duchovny: Thanks, Ellen.
Ellen Cleghorne: Hey, you know, it’s a really lucky thing that you’re hosting, you know it’s really great the you’re here. And, um, you know, I just love “The X-Files”.
David Duchovny: Well, thanks.
Ellen Cleghorne: It’s just that, you know, a lot of weird things have been going on here?
David Duchovny: What do you mean, weird?
Ellen Cleghorne: Um.. like.. ohhhh.. I don’t know. People vanishing, alien apparitions, Deion Sanders hosting. That kind of weird.
David Duchovny: Uh, Ellen, I really should be getting ready for the show —
[ a loud scream is heard offscreen ]
David Duchovny: What was that?
Ellen Cleghorne: Oh, come on!
[ Ellen and Duchovny run out of his dressing room, and discover Molly Shannon in the hall ]
David Duchovny: Molly! Molly, what happened?
Molly Shannon: I don’t know..! I was just.. I was just grabbing a snack before the show, and, then all of a sudden, it was here..!
David Duchovny: What? What was here?
Molly Shannon: It was hairy.. oh God, it was horrible!
David Duchovny: [ to Ellen ] Get her out of here, get her out of here.
[ Ellen leads Molly down the hall ]
David Spade: David. Check this out.
David Duchovny: What have you got, Spade?
[ they crouch on the floor over a huge footprint ]
David Spade: Some sort of footprint.
David Duchovny: That’s too big to be a human footprint. It must be some kind of animal. Get a plaster cast made of that.
David Spade: Right, I’ll.. take it to my lab.
[ Duchovny stands and passes Jay Mohr, Morwenna Banks and Adam Sandler leaning against the snack table ]
David Duchovny: What about any of you? Any of you see anything?
Adam Sandler: Uh-uh.
Morwenna Banks: No.
[ Kevin Nealon appears from another hallway ]
Kevin Nealon: Psst! David! Over here!
David Duchovny: What is it, Kevin?
Kevin Nealon: David, I’ve been a cast member on this show for nine years, and I’ve seen a lot of strange things, and tonight’s my last show.
David Duchovny: Kevin, does any of this have a point?
Kevin Nealon: No. I just wanted to remind people tonight’s my last show.
David Duchovny: Alright.
Kevin Nealon: You know, maybe.. maybe people could throw me a party.
David Duchovny: Kevin, I —
Kevin Nealon: Just keep it simple. Maybe make it a surprise party, or something.
David Duchovny: Hey, Kevin —
Kevin Nealon: You ever hear of the Beast Man of Studio 8-H?
David Duchovny: Beast Man? What Beast Man?
Kevin Nealon: Well, some of the older guys on the crew tell this story about this horrible man-beast who lives in the studio, back behind all the sets.
David Duchovny: You sure you’re not talking about the ghost of John Belushi?
Kevin Nealon: No, he haunts the 17th floor.
David Duchovny: What about the ghost of Joe Piscopo?
Kevin Nealon: Joe Piscopo isn’t dead.
David Duchovny: Oh, right, right, he’s alive..
Kevin Nealon: Look, David, whatever happens – trust no one.
David Duchovny: Well, Kevin, if I can’t trust anyone, how can I trust you?
Kevin Nealon: Look, I gotta get ready for my surprise party. Be careful.
[ Kevin exits down the hall ]
David Duchovny: [ to himself ] I’m gonna go talk to Lorne.
[ dissolve to the eerie presence of Lorne Michael’s office, dramatic music surrounds the atmosphere ]
[ Duchovny enters ]
David Duchovny: Lorne? Can I have a word with you?
Lorne Michaels: Come in, David.
David Duchovny: You set me up, didn’t you, Lorne? That’s why you wanted me to host the show. Nobody here’s even heard of “The X-Files”, but you want me to take car of your Beast Man problem. Well, I won’t do it! I won’t do your dirty work!
[ Michael McKean creeps out from behind the shadows ]
Michael McKean: Don’t be silly, Mr. Duchovny. You’ve wanted to host the show ever since you became an actor. Now oyu have your chance. So you’ll catch the Beast Man for us. And you’ll do our little sketches, and you’ll wear our silly costumes. Because it’s all a game, Mr. Duchovny. And, right now, you’re holding the losing hand. Isn’t that right, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: Yes, sir!
[ Michael McKean chuckles as Duchovny exits Lorne’s office ]
Michael McKean: Be seeing you again, Mr. Duchovny. [ extinguishes his cigarette on Lorne’s desk ]
[ dissolve to Duchovny explaining his plan of action to Mark McKinney ]
David Duchovny: Well, I put some fresh cookies out, so maybe the Beast Man will —
[ a loud, girlish scream is heard offscreen ]
[ Mark McKinney ducks for cover, as Duchovny runs toward the scream he assumes to be Molly Shannon ]
David Duchovny: Molly! Molly, did you see it again?
Molly Shannon: Oh. No, actually, that wasn’t me screaming. It was Chris.
Chris Elliot: Yeah, it was.. me screaming. I’m sorry, my voice gets a little high when I get scared. Thank you very much, Molly!
David Duchovny: That’s okay, Chris.
Chris Elliot: Well.. I.. she..
David Duchovny: What did you see?
Chris Elliot: Well, it was the Beast Man. I was eating, and he just came by, he grabbed my food.. and he went off, and —
[ something resembling the Beast Man casually walks down the far hall, causing Chris Elliot to scream like a little girl again ]
Chris Elliot: Auuugghhhh!! There he is!!
[ Duchovny runs down the hall ]
David Duchovny: Beast Man! Beast Man, don’t be afraid! I won’t hurt you!
[ Duchovny reaches the Beast Man, which turns out to be Chris Farley wearing a furry jacket ]
David Duchovny: Chris!
Chris Farley: Hey, David.. [ uncomfortable ]
David Duchovny: You’re the Beast Man?
Chris Farley: Um.. yeah.. sorry, I thought it was gonna be funny.. sorry.. [ slaps himself on the forehead ] Idiot! Stupid! Moron!
David Duchovny: It’s alright, it’s alright. Just don’t do it again.
Chris Farley: Okay, I’m sorry. Hey.. David. Um.. you know, the, um.. “X-Files” show? That is excellent!
David Duchovny: [ pleased ] Oh, really, you watch it?
Chris Farley: Um.. no. But.. [ can’t think of anything more to say ]
David Duchovny: That’s alright, Chris. Come on.
Chris Farley: Okay.
[ they exit down as the hall, as the real Beast Man suddenly appears where they stood, creeps down to devour an armful of cookies while making Beast Man growls, then turns back the way he came ]
[ dissolve back to Michael McKean sitting at Lorne Michaels’ desk watching a tiny TV screen. He picks up the tellephone. ]
Michael McKean: Mr. Duchovny’s getting a little too close to the truth. He may have to be stopped. Proceed with Operation: “Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night.”
SNL Transcripts: David Duchovny: 05/13/95: You Think You’re Better Than Me?
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 20
94t: David Duchovny / Rod Stewart
You Think You’re Better Than Me?
Pete Toman…..Kevin Nealon
Announcer…..Jay Mohr
Danny Wilson…..Adam Sandler
Eileen Gallagher…..Molly Shannon
Ron Powell…..David Duchovny
…..Naomi Campbell
(Music Cue: “Tuning Up” by Ken Aldin)
Announcer: And now it’s time for “You Think You’re Better Than Me?”, and here’s your host, former dock worker Pete Toman.
Pete Toman: Hey! Welcome to “You Think You’re Better Than Me?”, the show for regular guys. Not uppity guys who think they’re better than us! Alright, our first contestant is Ron Powell. It says here, Ron, you enjoy making knives out of beer bottles and skidooing.
Ron Powell: Yeah, so what?
Pete Toman: Alright, our next contestant is currently between jobs and has a plate in her head. Welcome Eileen Gallagher. Alright, it says here , Eileen, you grew up without much money but went to school with a lot of rich people.
Eileen Gallagher: Yeah, I hated all of them bastards. I hated ’em.
Pete Toman: Alright, our third contestant is Danny Wilson. Danny, it says here you once punched a guy in the face just because he was seated in the first class section of an airplane.
Danny Wilson: Yep.
Pete Toman: It also says you can not read.
Danny Wilson: Yep.
Pete Toman: Alright, let’s start the game. Here’s our catregories: “Cut off by a Mercedes,” “People who have been on a boat,” “What’s wrong with Haggar Slacks?,” “Can’t get into the nightclub,” “College boys,” “That guy on that show,” “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” Ron, let’s start with you.
Ron Powell: I’ll take “Cut off by a Mercedes” for 300, Pete.
Pete Toman: Okay, You’re drivin down the highway, mindin’ your own business, and some guy with a pony tail drivin a
(Danny rings in)
Danny Wilson: Pull up beside the guy, stick my ass out the window and scream “You think you’re better than me?”
(bell)
Pete Toman: Damn straight! Friggin’ fruitcake with a ponytail! That’s right, that’s right. Danny, you pick the category.
Danny Wilson: Um, eh, ah, uh, the one on the right for 100.
Pete Toman: Okay, “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” Here’s the question: You wake up on the beach, you’re waking on, your head hurts, you’re hungry, you see a restaurant, you walk in and right away some Chinese guy with an English accent points to a sign that says “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” What do you do?
(Eileen rings in)
Eileen Gallagher: Uh, put my shirt back on?
(buzzer)
Pete Toman: No.
(Ron rings in)
Pete Toman: Ron.
Ron Powell: Stare the guy down until he realizes he’s a woman, go home, come back later that night, burn the place down.
(bell)
Pete Toman: You got it Ron! Alright, alright. Very nice, very nice. Pick another category.
Ron Powell: I’ll take “That guy on that show” for 200 please.
Pete Toman: Okey dokey, here’s the clue: You know that guy on that show who walks around all high and mighty acting like he knows so much? He needs a punch in the face…
(Danny rings in)
Pete Toman: Danny.
Danny Wilson: Peter Jennings!
Pete Toman: I hear ya, Danny! I hear ya! Alright, choose a category.
Danny Wilson: Uhh, you pick it.
Pete Toman: Alright, how about “Can’t get into that nightclub” for 400 dollars. Alright, let’s see: You’re standing outside a nightclub. The bouncer tells you he can’t let anymore people inside but 30 seconds later he lets five guys wearing makeup in. What do you do?
(Eileen rings in)
Pete Toman: Eileen.
Eileen Gallagher: Take my shirt off?
(buzzer)
Pete Toman: No.
Eileen Gallagher: Damn it!
(Ron rings in)
Pete Toman: Ron.
Ron Powell: Stare the guy down until he asks you to come in, then say “No! Now I don’t wanna come in!”, come home, take a nap, come back at five in the morning, burn the place down.
(bell)
Pete Toman: That’s right Ron! You are right! Very nice, very nice. Jeez, we are out of time. Ron and Danny, you’re uh tied which means you’re going to our tiebreaker round. Eileen, you have 0 points, time for you to leave.
Eileen Gallagher: Okay, you all think you’re better than me, dontcha? You think your CRAP don’t STINK? You’re garbage! You’re all garbage!
(Eileen leaves)
Pete Toman: Alright, settle down. The tiebreaker category is “box seats”, “box seats.” Here’s the question: You’re sitting in the upper deck and you spot an empty box seat and sit there. Five minutes later, an usher asks to see your ticket. Everyone is staring at you. What do you do?
(think music, players write their answers)
(buzzer)
Pete Toman: All right, time’s up. Ron, let’s see what you got here. Okay, (reading from Ron’s placard) “Tell them you don’t have a ticket for that seat but you’re not going to move, Continue watching the game while they round up six or seven security guards to physically remove you, get dragged out screaming ‘You’re all gonna pay!’, come back later, realize you can’t burn the whole stadium down, follow a security guard home, burn his house down.”
(bell)
Pete Toman: That’s correct! All right! Nice playing Ronnie! Okay, how about you Danny?
(Danny holds up his placard full of illegible scribbles)
Pete Toman: Oh yeah, you don’t know how to write either.
Danny Wilson: Yep.
Pete Toman: All right. Ron, you’re our new champion! Let’s go to the bonus round!
(Naomi Campbell walks in)
Pete Toman: Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to supermodel Naomi Campbell. Nice to meet you Naomi. Okay Ron, you will win a brand new El Camino and a pair of Dingo Boots just like Joe Namath used to wear if you can talk to Naomi for 60 seconds without saying “You think you’re better than me?” Okay, you ready, Ron?
Ron Powell: You bet
Pete Toman: Okay start now.
Ron Powell: So, Naomi, you want to do something after this show?
Naomi Campbell: Maybe some other time.
Ron Powell: What, have you got a boyfriend or something?
Naomi Campbell: No, I don’t have time for boyfriends.
Ron Powell: Who do you like better, Fuji or Tanaka?
Naomi Campbell: I’m not into photos or wrestling.
Ron Powell: What, you think you’re… You think you’re… tall?
Naomi Campbell: Well, I guess so.
Ron Powell: how much did that dress cost?
Naomi Campbell: Actually, Versace gave it to me.
Ron Powell: What, do you think you’re better than me?
(buzzer)
Pete Toman: Oh, sorry Ron! You messed up, you messed up, but you can try again next week on “You think you’re better than me?” Good night!
(Music Cue: “Tuning Up”, title card, fade out)
Submitted Anonymously
Goodnights
Goodnights
…..David Duchovny
…..Dave Wilson
David Duchovny: Alright. I’d like to thank everyone. I’d like to thank Rod Stewart, Naomi Campbell. Happy Mother’s Day! I had a great time, we’ll see you next year!
[ the cast wave their goodbyes and hug one another ]
[ we cut to the control room, as Dave Wilson waves his own goodbye ]
Dave Wilson: Tape roll! And.. take it.
David Duchovny’s Monologue
David Duchovny’s Monologue
…..David Duchovny
Interviewer V/O…..Kevin Nealon
David Duchovny: Thank you. Thank you. It’s great — it’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. As you can probably guess, they’ve been trying to get me to host the show for years. Like when my hit movie, “Julia Has Two Lovers”, came out.
[ woman in audience yells “Ow!” ]
Thank — thank — thank you. They kept calling, and I figured, “Sure.” I’ll do the big “Julia Has Two Lovers” sketch that everyone’s waiting for, and then what? So I figured, let me get one more hit under my belt, then I’ll do the show. Sure enough – boom! – the next year, I’m starring in “Venice, Venice.”
[ woman in audience yells “Whoo!” ]
Thank you. Thank you. Perfect. So I’m ready to do the show, we’re trying to set a date. And then, wouldn’t you know it – guess who gets a call to star in “The Rapture”.
[ woman in audience yells “Whoo!” ]
Thank you. Hardly a movie you want to turn down. But one thing led to another, I do a movie, “Denial”, and of course, “New Year’s Day”. And here I am. [ a beat ] Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m also on “The X-Files”.
[ audience cheers wildly ]
But, that’s just to pay the rent until “New Year’s Day II” comes out.
Anyway, I’m from New York, I grew up here, went to school here. And, as a gift, the folks here put together a little tape of some of the people from my old neighborhood. I’m pretty excited, because I haven’t seen it, so, could you roll the tape?
[ dissolve to the filmed footage of people in Duchovny’s hometown ]
Elderly woman: David Duchovny? Never heard of him.
Eldermy Man: Duchovny? No. Doesn’t ring a bell.
Man: Dave Duchovny? No.
Interviewer V/O: You went to Collegiate High School with him.
Man: Yeah, I went to that school, but the name doesn’t ring a bell.
Interviewer V/O: Have you ever seen “The X-Files”?
Man: Yeah, I love that show.
Interviewer V/O: He’s on that show.
Man: [ shrugs ] Uh.. guess I must have missed him. Sorry.
Black Woman: You want to know about David Duchovny? Why? What’d he do? Shoot somebody? I knew he’d shoot somebody!
Blonde: Did I know David Duchovny? Yeah, I know him, I used to go out with him. And, David, if you’re watching, there’s someone here I think you should meet.
[ pulls a little boy forward ]
Little Boy: Come home, Daddy!
Old Woman: I just feel sorry for the person that he shot.
Gay Man: Yeah, I know David, I used to go out with him. David, if you’re watching, there’s someone here who’d like to meetcha’.
[ pulls a little boy forward ]
Little Boy: Come home, Daddy!
Alien Man: Of course, when we were in school, he never spoke to me, because he was one of the cool guys and I’m an alien. Then he gets this job on “The X-Files”, and suddenly it’s, like, “Hey, buddy, let’s hang out! Tell me what aliens are really like.” What a jerk!
[ dissolve back to Duchovny in Studio 8-H ]
David Duchovny: Oh, I miss those guys. They’re the best! Anyway, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Rod Stewart is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!
The Polar Bear Sketch
The Polar Bear Sketch
… Chris Farley
… Tim Meadows
… Jay Mohr
… Adam Sandler
… Norm MacDonald
… David Duchovny
[A sign reads: DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. We pull backto reveal a zoo setting. Chris Farley, Tim Meadows,Jay Mohr, Adam Sandler and Norm MacDonald enter andline up at a railing overlooking the polar bearpit.]
Chris Farley: Aw, man! Isn’t the zoo thebest, man?
Tim Meadows: I know, I can’t believe it was -how easy it was to get into the zoo. We just hoppedthe fence.
[Cut to a brief shot of a polar bear down in the pitbefore returning to the five guys above.]
Jay Mohr: Hey, look at this polar bear cage.Hey, you think I can swim the little moat both waysbefore the bear eats me?
Adam Sandler: Five bucks says you can’t.
Jay Mohr: All right. Read ’em and weep, myfriend!
[Mohr jumps the railing into the polar bear pit. Hedisappears from view and we hear a loud splash as hehits the water below.]
Norm MacDonald: “Read ’em and weep”? You say”Read ’em and weep” before you lay down your cards inpoker, not before you jump into a polar bear cage.
Tim Meadows: Yeah, okay, Mr. Dictionary.
Norm MacDonald: “Mr. Dictionary”? How doesknowing about poker make me “Mr. Dictionary”?
Tim Meadows: Ah, no, I wasn’t talking to you.
[Off screen, the polar bear roars and eats Mohr whoscreams horribly. After a moment, a large quantity ofMohr’s blood splashes up from the pit and soaksFarley, Meadows, MacDonald, and Sandler.]
Chris Farley: [squinting] What happened?! Whathappened? Did the bear get him? I’m not wearing myglasses!
Norm MacDonald: [casually] Yeah, the polar bearkilled Jay. [quickly, to Meadows] What do you mean youweren’t talking to me? You were looking right at me!Who were you calling “Mr. Dictionary”?
Tim Meadows: Look, I’m gonna go in and haulJay’s body up, okay? I’ll let you guys argue amongstyourselves.
Norm MacDonald: Noooo, us guys aren’t arguingamongst ourselves. I’m arguing with you.
Tim Meadows: [starts climbing over the railing]Yeah, well what can I say? I mean, after all, you knoweverything, Mr. Dictionary!
[Meadows hollers the last word of his line as he jumpsinto the pit and disappears with a splash.]
Chris Farley: [laughs, to MacDonald] “Mr.Dictionary”! Oh, my God! He totally burned you,man! [roars with laughter] Oh, you better hopethat nickname doesn’t stick, Mr. Dictionary![laughs] Aww, man, you’re a book filled with wordmeanings! Oy, oy, oy!
[The polar bear roars and eats a screaming Meadowswhose blood splashes up on Farley, MacDonald, andSandler.]
Chris Farley: What happened? I’m not wearing myglasses. Did the bear get him again?
Adam Sandler: Hey, would you put your damnglasses on? We shouldn’t have to tell you every timethe bear eats one of us.
[Farley shakes his bloodied head, pulls out histhick-framed Matt Foley eyeglasses and puts them on.]
Chris Farley: Oh, my God! That bear ripped offtheir heads like so much volleyball!
Norm MacDonald: “Like so much volleyball”? Whoare you, the Mighty Thor? … Nobody talks like that.
Chris Farley: [at a loss for words] Yeah – uh -I think – you’re a sack of crap like so much– Mr.Dictionary!
[Farley laughs and Sandler joins in.]
Adam Sandler: [to Farley] Ha ha ha, yeah! Allright, good one, man. High five me on that one!
Chris Farley: Yeah, baby!
[Instead of giving Farley a high five, Sandler smackshim in the face and knocks his glasses off.]
Chris Farley: [in pain] Ohhhh!
Adam Sandler: [laughs, recovers, to Farley] Allright, I gotta say I’m sick of you. And I’m sick ofthat polar bear. I’m going in.
Norm MacDonald: Hey, hey, Adam, if you’re goinginto that cage, you know, be careful, ’cause, uh, thatbear is still in there.
Adam Sandler: Oh, my lord. I swear to God,Norm, that was the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.Where would the bear be? Do you think I think that itgot wings and flew up to Canada — where everybodytalks like you and says “arse” instead of “ass”?You’re very stupid, Norm. But you know that.
[Sandler climbs the railing and jumps into the pit.]
Adam Sandler: Wheeeee!
[Sandler disappears with a splash. Only Farley andMacDonald are left at the railing.]
Norm MacDonald: Man, did you hear that? Hecalls me stupid. He just jumped into the polar bearcage, eh? Who do you think is stupider, the guy whojumps into a polar cage or the fella people like tocall “Mr. Dictionary”?
[The polar bear roars and eats Sandler who yells “Oh,my God!” Sandler’s blood splashes up on Farley andMacDonald.]
Norm MacDonald: Well, uh, Farley, did you ordid you not hear me tell him that, ah, there was abear still in that cage, eh?
Chris Farley: Well, you know what, I wasn’treally listening that much ’cause, uh, I was tryin’ toremember who’s been killed. [counts on his fingers]All right, I know Adam Sandler.
Norm MacDonald: Right.
Chris Farley: And, before him, TimMeadows.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah.
Chris Farley: But, ah, who – who was the firstguy that went in there?
Norm MacDonald: Are you serious? You forgotwhich of our buddies was killed first? It was – it wasJay Mohr, you arse!
Chris Farley: Yeah, yeah, but, um … what -what’s Jay’s middle name? I forget.
Norm MacDonald: You forget Jay’s middle name?It’s Gaylord!
Chris Farley: I know you are! Ha ha! Aya ayaaya aya aya aya! You’re Gaylord! Get it? Gay – lord,Gaylord, Gaylord, Gaylord! [high-pitched giggle, thenlapses into a deranged Southern accent] And on thathighly successful burn, I’m goin’ into the polar bearcage and get myself some wallets so I can get somebeer money! Adios!
[With an incomprehensible exclamation, Farley haulshimself over the railing and falls into the pit with asplash. MacDonald watches as the roaring polar beareats the screaming Farley. More blood flies up andsoaks MacDonald who is by now thoroughly drenched.]
Norm MacDonald: Well … You know what? I’mgonna jump in there because, ah, I’m sure the bear isfull by now. … And then I’m gonna stick my fingerdown its throat and let it throw up at least one of mybuddies. If the buddy who comes up is too digestedalready, I’ll throw him back in. [stroking his chinthoughtfully] It’s the perfect plan.
[MacDonald vaults the railing into the pit with asplash. The polar bear roars and eats the screamingMacDonald whose blood splashes up on the now emptyscene. Dissolve to host David Duchovny who stands infront of a curtain addressing the camera.]
David Duchovny: Hi, I’m David Duchovny. Thepreceding segment was not a sketch. It was filmedentirely at the Central Park Zoo with hidden cameras.The participants involved had no idea they were beingfilmed. I ran this as a warning to other potentialSaturday Night Live hosts. These are the typeof people you deal with all week long. Thankyou.
[Applause, dissolve to bumper with photo of squattinghost.]
Submitted Anonymously
Rock & Roll Real Estate Agent
Rock & Roll Real Estate Agent
Agent…..Molly Shannon
Tom…..David Duchovny
Wife…..Morwenna Banks
Richard…..Jay Mohr
[ open on real estate office, Agent speaking on the phone ]
Agent: So, once again, congratulations! I now you’re going to be very happy in your new home. Well, that’s what we do here at Horizon Realty – we make dreams come true. Alrighty, bye bye!
Tom: Hi.
Agent: Hi.
Tom: We’re new in the neighborhood, and we’re looking for a three-bedroom.
Wife: You know, maybe something with a split-level.
Agent: Very good. Richard can help you. Richard?
[ we see Richard sitting at his desk, he looks like an old rocker ]
Agent: These folks are interested in a three-bedroom.
Richard: Well, alriiiiight!! [ jumps out of his chair, his real estate clothes mixed fashionably with tight, leather pants ] Nice ta MEETCHA!! How ya doin’ out there toniiiiiiight! Wow!
Tom: Fine.. thanks.
Richard: Well, alriiiiiight!! Let me go get my book! I’ve got some gorgeous three-bedrooms in the area! Woooooooooooooowww-ow!
Wife: Honey, do we know him?
Tom: He does seem very familiar.
Agent: Oh, Richard used to be the lead singer of Sidewinder before they broke up.
Wife: Sidewinder?
Agent: Yeah. Remember they had that hit “Lick It”?
Richard: Yeah, that’s riiight!
[ singing ]
Lick it!
Kick it!
Rock it, knock it down, downm down!
Owww!
[ back to business ]
I got a great split-level in, uh, Oakdale Heights. A bit of a fixer-upper, but it’s a steal.
Wife: Uh, no, you see.. we need to move right in, because Tom’s been transferred from St. Louis, and —
Richard: St. Louis rocks big-time! Am I riiiiiight?!
Tom: Yeah.
Richard: I can’t heeeeeeear yoooooooouuu!!
Tom: Yes, St. Louis rocks!
Richard: Alright, now I’ve got osmething you might like in Sherwood Hills. That’s a good school district, daddy – community pool, little league, and you’re only ten minutes from downtown. Woooooooowwww!!
Agent: Uh, Richard? Richard! The Ericksons are on line 3!
Richard: Uh, excuse me, I gotta take this. [ sits at his desk and picks up his phone ] Wooooooooowwwwww!! This is Richard. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, tell the bank you want a fixed rate at 7.35%. Alriiiiiight?!! Owwwwwwwww!!!
Tom: Uh, my wife has asthma, so we’re looking for something with central ir.
Richard: Oh, I hear you, St. Louis! You want it nice and cooooool, so you can cuddle up and get warm with your lady!
Tom: Well, yeah. And, she has asthma.
Richard: Alriiiiight! Central air ROCKS!! Is that what you want, St. Louis!
Tom: Yeah, that’d be nice.
Richard: Well, then that’s.. what you’re gonna get! Wooooowwww!! Alriiiiiight!! Good night! We love you! [ jumps on top of the file cabinet and back to the floor ] Come on! Wooooooowww!! Yeah!! [ exits to back room ]
[ Agent claps, and encourages the couple to do the same as she holds up a cigarette lighter for an encore ]
Richard: Whoooooo!! Alright! I knew you wouldn’t let me down, St. Louis! You want to ROCK all night! And that’s good. Now.. [ puts on a pair of reading glasses ] I got just the house you might be looking for. Come on. How’s this sound. [ opens his book ] I got central air, three-bedroom, two-and-a-half bath, at $179,900, with an assumable mortage. Yooooooowwww!!!
Wife: Well, that sounds fabulous, doesn’t it, honey?
Tom: Yes, yes! When can we see it?
Richard: I can’t heeeeeear you!
Tom: When can we see it?
Richard: [ removes his glasses ] I can’t heeeeeear yoooooooouuuu!!
Wife: Uh, look, seriously, we’d like to see the house.
Richard: I’m serious, too. I’m deaf as a doornail. Fiftenn years in front of speakers, baby!
Wife: God, I’m so sorry. [ picks up her voice ] When can we see it!
Richard: Well, if you’re ready to ROCK! I’m ready to roll! Wooooooowww!! Let’s take my car, it’s the Volvo Wagon! [ dancing ] You’re gonna looooove this plaaaaaace!! Whoooooo!! Come on, come on, come on! Let’s go!
[ he leads the couple out of the door ]
Richard: [ to Agent ] I’ll be back in an hour.
[ zoom in, as they exit, to a plaque on the wall next to the door, which reads: “Broker of the Month – Richard Bruce” ]
[ fade ]
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
… Laura Kightlinger
Adam West … Michael McKean
Robin … David Duchovny
… Adam Sandler
[Norm MacDonald sits at the WU desk, removing thepaper clip from his well-organized sheaf of papers.Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Hi, I’m Norm Macdonald, thankyou. Thanks. Thank you. [clears throat] I’m NormMacDonald and this is the news:
It is now believed that in the months before theOklahoma bombing, suspect Timothy McVeigh may havesold drugs. Boy, is he in trouble now! Huh?With that–? …
A deadly outbreak of the Ebola virus is said to beresponsible for more than one hundred deaths in Africa– and a couple of really bad movies here in theUnited States. …
[Photo of O. J. Simpson standing in courtroom with hisarms outstretched] Well, in a questionable move by thedefense team, this week, O. J. Simpson demonstratedhow to stab two people at the same time. … [cheersand applause]
A Labor Department study shows that the number oftemporary workers rose to two million in 1994. Andthat study doesn’t even include, the mosttemporary of the temporarily unemployed — KatoKaelin. … [shakes his head dismissively at the joke,chuckles]
Norm MacDonald: Now, we’d like to talk to LauraKightlinger and find out what she’ll be doing over thesummer break. [applause]
Laura Kightlinger: Well, thank you.
Norm MacDonald: Laura.
Laura Kightlinger: Hi. Thank you. Thanks,Norm.
Well, you know, June is coming up so everyone,everyone I know will be either getting marriedor giving birth which means I’ll be spending yetanother summer ripping up baby pictures and weddinginvitations. … And, you know, I sometimes wonder,you know, should I just force myself to go to theseweddings? Or should I turn on a pitching machine andlet the balls hit my face? … Hmm. I don’t know, itjust seems like most of my friends from high schoolhave long since tied the knot and I’m getting older,so maybe I should think about hanging my self….
And since most of my married friends have babies, I’vejust lost all hope for a normal conversation with themon the phone. [glumly, into an imaginary phone] Uh,hi, Karen. Karen? [as a hyper, excited mother] “Hi,Laura! Wait! Joshua wants to say hello to you! Say,hi, Josh! Say, hi! Say, hi! Say, hi! Josh, say, hi!”[as her glum self] Hi, Josh. Listen, uh, I’ve justtaken a handful of pills. … Can you get your motherback on the phone?” [as hyper, excited mother] “Didyou hear him?! He said, “Hi!”
I don’t know, I just– I guess I’m just not convincedthat getting married and having babies is the answer.And I know that there are happy marriages butit’s because of some freak alignment of souls. And Ihave a friend who experienced such an alignment. Shewas the girl in grade school who went blind fromsitting too close to the TV and she married the guy ingrade school who made a face and it stayed that way…. In fact, I just got a picture of their lovelytoddler who broke his neck from leaning back in achair. …
You know, all right, now – now maybe they are atruly happy family — but families are neverwhat they appear to be. You know, I was in the parkand I saw a father playing catch with his two youngsons — and then his wife came over, swore at him,slapped the kids, and threw their ball away. And thatjust hit me so hard — because my mom never didanything with us.
Norm MacDonald: Hey, Laura, I, er–
Laura Kightlinger: Yeah?
Norm MacDonald: I bet this has some kind ofhappy ending, huh?
Laura Kightlinger: No. No, Norm. Itdoesn’t.
Norm MacDonald: Oh.
Laura Kightlinger: But, you know? Despite mytone, I do believe in love. To me, therewould be nothing more gratifying than justlying next to someone that I’ve been with for years ina safe, sterile environment and allowing that personto do – [chuckles] whatever it is he does -into a laundered towel. … And, if I can have that,then maybe–
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, maybe what?
Laura Kightlinger: Well, maybe marriage is inmy future.
Norm MacDonald: [unenthusiastic] We-e-ell, Icertainly – envy the lucky guy that winds up with youthere, Laura. …
Laura Kightlinger: You do, Norm?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah.
Laura Kightlinger: Aww, thanks.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, that’s all right. Allright. [polite applause] Laura Kightlinger,everybody.
Well, Gary Busey left the hospital this week afteroverdosing on cocaine last Friday. Doctors say Buseyis okay and he should be back in the hospitalin no time. …
Well, crime is down nearly twenty per cent in New YorkCity with only three hundred and eighty-four murdersso far this year. Only three hundred andeighty-four? You know, if you ask me, that’s stillthree hundred and seven too many. … [mumbles] That’swhat I think.
The Walt Disney Company has announced plans to build athree hundred million dollar hotel and entertainmentcomplex in New York’s Times Square. Constructionbegins next spring on their first attraction —Crack Whores of the Caribbean! …[applause]
Norm MacDonald: Well, the summer movie seasonis just around the corner and one of the biggestreleases this year is the new Batman Forever.Here, now, with his review, is the original Batman,Mr. Adam West. Adam? [applause for the bespectacledold actor with the hopelessly square, deadpandelivery]
Adam West: Thank you, thank you. Thank you,Norm. Hail, good citizens of Gotham. With Bat-maniasweeping the nation, what better way to celebrate,than with my new book, “Back to the Batcave” — avirtual cornucopia of beloved bat-stories. [to Norm]For example, old friend, did you know … that theydon’t let me wear the mask any more. They’vethreatened to sue me if I appeared in public as the -Caped Crusader.
Norm MacDonald: [uninterested in bat-trivia]Ahh, that’s great, Adam. Hey – hey, how about that newBatman Forever movie, eh?
Adam West: Here’s an interesting – bat-fact,old chum: Cesar Romero played the Joker, but, youknow, he never shaved his mustache. Ha ha! [soberly]He’s dead now.
Norm MacDonald: [couldn’t care less] That’sgreat. Hey! What about Val Kilmer? You know, the newBatman?
Adam West: I wanted to play – Uncle Batman. He- he would be an older, distinguished gentleman –much like yourself, Commissioner Gordon. … And hewould help Batman fight crime! Ha! … Didn’t happen.
Norm MacDonald: Look, ah —
Adam West: Didn’t happen.
Norm MacDonald: Adam, are you gonna talk aboutthe new Batman movie here?
Adam West: Excuse me, Commissioner Gordon, I -I have to go. [abruptly exits]
Norm MacDonald: Adam West, ladies andgentlemen. Adam West. [polite applause] All right,well, in Russia this week, Boris Yeltsin, ah–
[Suddenly, Adam West returns, wearing Batman’s capeand cowl.]
Adam West as Batman: Evildoers, beware!
Norm MacDonald: [unnerved] Ohh, my God!
Adam West as Batman: It is I, Batman!
Norm MacDonald: Ohh, hey, ah – ah,Batman … Hey what – what happened to AdamWest, wasn’t he–?
Adam West as Batman: You mean – millionaireBruce Wayne? Why, he’s at a board meeting at WayneIndustries.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, right, hey, Adam, ah,seriously, you know, you’re not supposed to be wearingthat mask and cape in public. You know, somebody’sprobably watchin’–
Adam West as Batman: Let them sue me, Norm! Ifyou persist in calling me “Adam,” I – I’ll be forcedto use the bat-ray on you! [grabs at his pants, makingNorm nervous]
Norm MacDonald: [uncomfortable] Ohh, ah…
Adam West as Batman: [reassuring Norm] It’shere on my belt, don’t worry!
Norm MacDonald: [chuckles] No, no, no. Really.They’ll – they’ll sue you.
Adam West as Batman: [completely loses it] Isay let them, Norm! Then we’ll see who the true Batmanis! I’m Batman! Val Kilmer isn’t fit to wear mybat-tights. Do you hear me, Val? Do you hear me?!?!Aaagggggghhhhhh!
[Wearing mask and colorful costume, Batman’s youthfulsidekick, Robin the Boy Wonder, runs in and puts hishands on Adam West’s shoulders.]
Robin: Holy Not-Taking-Your-Medication, Batman!…
Adam West as Batman: Robin? Robin? Is that you,my ward? Help me!
Robin: Yes, Adam.
Adam West as Batman: I don’t know where I am.
Robin: I’ve come to take you home.
Adam West as Batman: Where – where is “home”?
Robin: The bat cave!
Adam West as Batman: [terrified] No! No! I’mafraid of bats! No!
Robin: [reassuring] I’ll take care of you.
Adam West as Batman: [calms down a little]Thank you, old chum!
[Batman and Robin exit.]
Norm MacDonald: Adam West again, ladies andgentlemen. [applause] And – the other guy, Burt Ward,was with him.
The American Academy of Pediatrics has released anupdated list of unsafe baby products. Topping the listthis year, is the really, really, really, really highchair. …
Well, last Friday in Washington D. C., the city’selementary school students pledged to stay drug freeas a gift to their moms on Mother’s Day. Meanwhile, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry … got his mom a great big boxof chocolates. …
Norm MacDonald: And now, here with a Mother’sDay message, Weekend Update’s own, and my hero, AdamSandler! [cheers and applause]
Adam Sandler: Thank you. Thank you! Thank you,thank you. Thank you, thank you. When we, uh, think ofMother’s Day, we always think of flowers and candy andtakin’ mom to dinner — you know, nice things. Buttonight I thought we should pay a little respect tosome moms who don’t have it so easy. Single moms. Thisyear there are over eight million single mothers outthere in this country alone. Eight million women whohave to act as both mother and father. One special daya year just isn’t enough for these brave, braveladies. Call me a feminist but, if you’re lookin’ forheroes, I’d say these women have Jordan and Gretzkybeat by a long shot. [spontaneous applause]
But, you know, what – what’s weird is, no one takesthe time to take care of them, make them feelspecial. Not just as mothers, but as women.Beautiful, beautiful women. So, I’d just like to sayto all you single moms out there, when you’re feelin’discouraged — like it’s all just too much for onegirl to take — little Adam’s here to make everythingall right. … That’s right, mama … I’m gonna make -I’m gonna make yo’ every fantasy come true. [sultrymusic begins; lights slowly dim; Sandler intones aspoken monologue over the music, as if on an early’70s soul hit:]
Dat man who walked out on you had to be crazy,baby,
What with your body lookin’ so right.
But you don’t have to be lonely tonight.
You know, mama, I hear you like to give your kids icecream.
Well, I like to eat ice cream, too.
But I hate eatin’ it out of a bowl.
Maybe you wanna tell little Adam where to that eat icecream off of.
Norm MacDonald: Whoa! Geez!
Adam Sandler: What?
Norm MacDonald: Adam, this is gettin’ a littleinappropriate here. …
Adam Sandler: Wait, Norm. I’m gettin’ to thegood part. …
[light changes to a smoky blue; a spotlit Sandlersings]
Turn out the lights, single mama!
Mother’s Day is he-ere!
Put away those diapers, pretty darlin’!
Take off that girdle and brassiere! …
The kids are fast asleep, pretty mama!
Time for the adults to get naughty!
You look so hot in that terry cloth robe!
Let it fall to the ground – oh, Lordy!
[Trio of soul singers enter, dressed in black, andstand behind Sandler, singing.]
Adam Sandler: ‘Cause I’m your SingleMother’s Day present, baby!
Singers: Ooh, baby!
Adam Sandler: And I can go all nightlong!
Singers: Ahhh, go all nightlong!
Adam Sandler and Singers: Not once, nottwice —
Adam Sandler: But three times, baby!
And I’ll sing you my Turkey Song!
Singers: Ooooh waahhhh! Turkey lurkeydoo!
Adam Sandler: I’ll do it foryou!
Singers: Turkey lurkey dee!
Adam Sandler: Take a big bite out ofme!
Singers: Turkey lurkey dactic!
Adam Sandler: I’ll make sure to wear aprophylactic!
Singers: Turkey lurkey lie!
Adam Sandler: Sammy Davis, Junior, only had- one – eye!
Singers: Doo, doo, one eye!
[Song ends to huge cheers and applause]
Adam Sandler: [shouts] Happy Mother’s Day![waves to camera, shakes hands with singers]
Norm MacDonald: Adam Sandler, everybody! That’sit, folks. See ya next year!
[Music. Norm manfully shakes hands with Sandler whowaves again. Norm nods and waves acknowledgment to thesingers as he removes the microphone from his necktie.Fade.]
Submitted Anonymously