Good Morning, Brooklyn!
Angela Toochie…..Courtney Cox
James Barone…..Jay Mohr
Molly Fahey…..Molly Shannon
Hot Dog Vendor…..Chris Farley
James Barone: Hi, hello, and welcome to “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” I’m your host, James Barone. How ARE ya, Brooklyn?! Huh?!
Angela Toochie: Good morning, Brooklyn! I’m Angela Toochie!
James Barone: Oh, yeah, I forgot – that’s my co-host, Angeler!
Angela Toochie: Yeah, don’t me any favors, alright? I can introduce myself!
James Barone: See, Angeler’s a little ticked off, because I didn’t mention nothin’ about her gettin’ engaged. Yawn!
Angela Toochie: Aw, don’t be an ass, James, alright! Let’s get started!
James Barone: Shut up! First off, this morning, our friend Ant’ny’s gonna come out and tell us what the weather report is!
Angela Toochie: Come on out, Ant’ny![ Anthony appears at the weather map ]
Anthony: Hey! How ya doin’, James? Hey! Congratulations, Angela, he’s a lucky bastard! Let’s have a look at that ring again, huh!
Angela Toochie: Yeah! Could we get a close-up of that!
James Barone: Oh, shut up!
Angela Toochie: No, you shut up!
James Barone: No, you shut up!
Angela Toochie: No, you shut up!
James Barone: No, you–[ cut to few seconds of “Please Stand By” graphic ]
James Barone: Okay.. okay, we’re back now. Now, we’re back. Alright, Ant’ny, now you were about to tell us what the weather report was like.
Anthony: What, outside? Oh.. it ain’t good, James, it’s hot as a bastard!
James Barone: A’ight. A’ight, Ant’ny, how ’bout tomorrow?
Anthony: Uh, tomorrow’s also gonna be hotter than a bastard!
Angela Toochie: All over the country?
Anthony: No, no.. See, Angela – see, every part of the country’s got what they call their own weather system. Like, up in Canada, it’s cold as a bastard! Out in Seattle, it rains like bastard! Down in Texas, it’s muggy as a bastard! I gotta go.
Angela Toochie: Ant’ny, where you going?
Anthony: I’m done!
Angela Toochie: Alright, fine! Then let’s bringout our old friend Angelo, with a new segment we got, called “Beatin’ of the Week”.
James Barone: A’ight, here’s how it goes, Brooklyn. Angelo tells us who needs a beatin’ this week, you give him that beatin’, you win a awesome prize, alright! Angelo! Come on out, bro![ Angelo storms into the set, still yelling at someone outside the studio ]
Angelo: No, no, no – you suck my ass! [ sits next to James ] Morning there, James. Congratulations, Angela, lemme see that ring thing. [ Angela holds out her hand ] Oh, my God! Anthony told me that thing was bigger than a bastard!
James Barone: Alright, enough with the ring, now, come on – Angelo, who’s gettin’ a beatin’ this week, and why?
Angelo: I don’t know his name, but he works at a concession stand outside the aquarium. I think we got a picture of him.[ picture shows an obese hot dog vendor, posed like he’s staring into oncoming headlights ]
James Barone: Oh, God!
Angela Toochie: Look at that mutt!
James Barone: Oh, now that guy needs a beatin’!
Angela Toochie: Now, what did this fat bastard do to serve his beatin?!
Angelo: I pull up to the aquarium, I’m in my brand-new Z-28 IROC, and this tub of lard goes up to me, “You know what IROC stands for?” I says, “No.” He says, “Italian Retard Out Cruisin'”.
Angela Toochie: He said that?!
Angelo: He said it to me!!
James Barone: Oh, my God, that guy deserves a beatin’!
Angela Toochie: Alright, Brooklyn, you keep your eye out for that hump! He’s your beatin’ of the week!
James Barone: Alright, that’s right! First person to put this stugatz in the hospital wins free sausage and peppers, courtesy of.. Pollianella & Sons Little Red House of Sausage & Peppers. And we got a special thanks goin’ out to St. Rita’s Hospital on Livonia Ave. for donatin’ the room and the IV for this week’s Beatin’ of the Week!
Angela Toochie: Alright, thanks, Angelo!
James Barone: Alright, now it’s time to go down to the street for today’s Trivia Question, with our rovin’ reporter Molly Fahey.
Angela Toochie: Talk to us, Molly!
Molly Fahey: Hi, guys!
James Barone: Hey, Molly, let me ask you something – I’ve been thinkin’, right? Fehey – that ain’t an Italian name, is it?
Molly Fahey: Mmm.. no, but it’s Catholic.
James Barone: A’ight, good enough. A’ight, Molly, do your stuff!
Molly Fahey: A’ight. [ approaches Hot Dog Vendor ] Uh.. excuse me, sir..
Hot Dog Vendor: Hi, how are ya?
Molly Fahey: Good. I’m Molly Fahey, from “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” and today’s Trivia Question-
James Barone: [ excited ] Oh, my God! Molly!
Angela Toochie: That’s the fat bastard!!
James Barone: Molly!! Oh, my god!!
Angela Toochie: That’s him!!
James Barone: Molly! Can you hear me?! That guy’s the Beatin’ of the Week!
Molly Fahey: [ excited ] No kidding! What’s the prize?!
Angela Toochie: Sausage and peppers at Pollianella’s!
Hot Dog Vendor: Good morning, Brooklyn! [ laughs ] How are ya! Hey, ya got some kinda question to ask me, or what?
Molly Fahey: Uh.. yeah, I do! [ gives Hot Dog Vendor the Beatin’ of the Week ] Bring on the sausage and peppers, James – I think I killed the fat bastard!
James Barone: You did beootyful, Molly – beootyful!
Angela Toochie: Yeah, congratulations! And, don’t worry, we’ll have that trivia question for ya’s tomorrow!
Molly Fahey: Alright, thanks, youse guys!
Angela and James: No! Fuggetaboutit!
Angela Toochie: Alright, that’s all the time we got!
James Barone: Join us tomorrow on “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” Mr. Meatball is stopping by, he’s gonna show us how to make Turkey Meatballs! And, by the way, Angela – okay, you win. I must say congratulations on your happiness.
Angela Toochie: Ah, shut up!
James Barone: You shut up!
Angela Toochie: No, you shut up![ cue up title card, fade to black ]