…..David Duchovny
…..Dave Wilson

David Duchovny: Alright. I’d like to thank everyone. I’d like to thank Rod Stewart, Naomi Campbell. Happy Mother’s Day! I had a great time, we’ll see you next year!

[ the cast wave their goodbyes and hug one another ] [ we cut to the control room, as Dave Wilson waves his own goodbye ]

Dave Wilson: Tape roll! And.. take it.

SNL Transcripts

David Duchovny’s Monologue

David Duchovny’s Monologue

…..David Duchovny
Interviewer V/O…..Kevin Nealon

David Duchovny: Thank you. Thank you. It’s great — it’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. As you can probably guess, they’ve been trying to get me to host the show for years. Like when my hit movie, “Julia Has Two Lovers”, came out.

[ woman in audience yells “Ow!” ]

Thank — thank — thank you. They kept calling, and I figured, “Sure.” I’ll do the big “Julia Has Two Lovers” sketch that everyone’s waiting for, and then what? So I figured, let me get one more hit under my belt, then I’ll do the show. Sure enough – boom! – the next year, I’m starring in “Venice, Venice.”

[ woman in audience yells “Whoo!” ]

Thank you. Thank you. Perfect. So I’m ready to do the show, we’re trying to set a date. And then, wouldn’t you know it – guess who gets a call to star in “The Rapture”.

[ woman in audience yells “Whoo!” ]

Thank you. Hardly a movie you want to turn down. But one thing led to another, I do a movie, “Denial”, and of course, “New Year’s Day”. And here I am. [ a beat ] Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m also on “The X-Files”.

[ audience cheers wildly ]

But, that’s just to pay the rent until “New Year’s Day II” comes out.

Anyway, I’m from New York, I grew up here, went to school here. And, as a gift, the folks here put together a little tape of some of the people from my old neighborhood. I’m pretty excited, because I haven’t seen it, so, could you roll the tape?

[ dissolve to the filmed footage of people in Duchovny’s hometown ]

Elderly woman: David Duchovny? Never heard of him.

Eldermy Man: Duchovny? No. Doesn’t ring a bell.

Man: Dave Duchovny? No.

Interviewer V/O: You went to Collegiate High School with him.

Man: Yeah, I went to that school, but the name doesn’t ring a bell.

Interviewer V/O: Have you ever seen “The X-Files”?

Man: Yeah, I love that show.

Interviewer V/O: He’s on that show.

Man: [ shrugs ] Uh.. guess I must have missed him. Sorry.

Black Woman: You want to know about David Duchovny? Why? What’d he do? Shoot somebody? I knew he’d shoot somebody!

Blonde: Did I know David Duchovny? Yeah, I know him, I used to go out with him. And, David, if you’re watching, there’s someone here I think you should meet.

[ pulls a little boy forward ]

Little Boy: Come home, Daddy!

Old Woman: I just feel sorry for the person that he shot.

Gay Man: Yeah, I know David, I used to go out with him. David, if you’re watching, there’s someone here who’d like to meetcha’.

[ pulls a little boy forward ]

Little Boy: Come home, Daddy!

Alien Man: Of course, when we were in school, he never spoke to me, because he was one of the cool guys and I’m an alien. Then he gets this job on “The X-Files”, and suddenly it’s, like, “Hey, buddy, let’s hang out! Tell me what aliens are really like.” What a jerk!

[ dissolve back to Duchovny in Studio 8-H ]

David Duchovny: Oh, I miss those guys. They’re the best! Anyway, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Rod Stewart is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

The Polar Bear Sketch

The Polar Bear Sketch

… Chris Farley
… Tim Meadows
… Jay Mohr
… Adam Sandler
… Norm MacDonald
… David Duchovny

[A sign reads: DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. We pull backto reveal a zoo setting. Chris Farley, Tim Meadows,Jay Mohr, Adam Sandler and Norm MacDonald enter andline up at a railing overlooking the polar bearpit.]

Chris Farley: Aw, man! Isn’t the zoo thebest, man?

Tim Meadows: I know, I can’t believe it was -how easy it was to get into the zoo. We just hoppedthe fence.

[Cut to a brief shot of a polar bear down in the pitbefore returning to the five guys above.]

Jay Mohr: Hey, look at this polar bear cage.Hey, you think I can swim the little moat both waysbefore the bear eats me?

Adam Sandler: Five bucks says you can’t.

Jay Mohr: All right. Read ’em and weep, myfriend!

[Mohr jumps the railing into the polar bear pit. Hedisappears from view and we hear a loud splash as hehits the water below.]

Norm MacDonald: “Read ’em and weep”? You say”Read ’em and weep” before you lay down your cards inpoker, not before you jump into a polar bear cage.

Tim Meadows: Yeah, okay, Mr. Dictionary.

Norm MacDonald: “Mr. Dictionary”? How doesknowing about poker make me “Mr. Dictionary”?

Tim Meadows: Ah, no, I wasn’t talking to you.

[Off screen, the polar bear roars and eats Mohr whoscreams horribly. After a moment, a large quantity ofMohr’s blood splashes up from the pit and soaksFarley, Meadows, MacDonald, and Sandler.]

Chris Farley: [squinting] What happened?! Whathappened? Did the bear get him? I’m not wearing myglasses!

Norm MacDonald: [casually] Yeah, the polar bearkilled Jay. [quickly, to Meadows] What do you mean youweren’t talking to me? You were looking right at me!Who were you calling “Mr. Dictionary”?

Tim Meadows: Look, I’m gonna go in and haulJay’s body up, okay? I’ll let you guys argue amongstyourselves.

Norm MacDonald: Noooo, us guys aren’t arguingamongst ourselves. I’m arguing with you.

Tim Meadows: [starts climbing over the railing]Yeah, well what can I say? I mean, after all, you knoweverything, Mr. Dictionary!

[Meadows hollers the last word of his line as he jumpsinto the pit and disappears with a splash.]

Chris Farley: [laughs, to MacDonald] “Mr.Dictionary”! Oh, my God! He totally burned you,man! [roars with laughter] Oh, you better hopethat nickname doesn’t stick, Mr. Dictionary![laughs] Aww, man, you’re a book filled with wordmeanings! Oy, oy, oy!

[The polar bear roars and eats a screaming Meadowswhose blood splashes up on Farley, MacDonald, andSandler.]

Chris Farley: What happened? I’m not wearing myglasses. Did the bear get him again?

Adam Sandler: Hey, would you put your damnglasses on? We shouldn’t have to tell you every timethe bear eats one of us.

[Farley shakes his bloodied head, pulls out histhick-framed Matt Foley eyeglasses and puts them on.]

Chris Farley: Oh, my God! That bear ripped offtheir heads like so much volleyball!

Norm MacDonald: “Like so much volleyball”? Whoare you, the Mighty Thor? … Nobody talks like that.

Chris Farley: [at a loss for words] Yeah – uh -I think – you’re a sack of crap like so much– Mr.Dictionary!

[Farley laughs and Sandler joins in.]

Adam Sandler: [to Farley] Ha ha ha, yeah! Allright, good one, man. High five me on that one!

Chris Farley: Yeah, baby!

[Instead of giving Farley a high five, Sandler smackshim in the face and knocks his glasses off.]

Chris Farley: [in pain] Ohhhh!

Adam Sandler: [laughs, recovers, to Farley] Allright, I gotta say I’m sick of you. And I’m sick ofthat polar bear. I’m going in.

Norm MacDonald: Hey, hey, Adam, if you’re goinginto that cage, you know, be careful, ’cause, uh, thatbear is still in there.

Adam Sandler: Oh, my lord. I swear to God,Norm, that was the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.Where would the bear be? Do you think I think that itgot wings and flew up to Canada — where everybodytalks like you and says “arse” instead of “ass”?You’re very stupid, Norm. But you know that.

[Sandler climbs the railing and jumps into the pit.]

Adam Sandler: Wheeeee!

[Sandler disappears with a splash. Only Farley andMacDonald are left at the railing.]

Norm MacDonald: Man, did you hear that? Hecalls me stupid. He just jumped into the polar bearcage, eh? Who do you think is stupider, the guy whojumps into a polar cage or the fella people like tocall “Mr. Dictionary”?

[The polar bear roars and eats Sandler who yells “Oh,my God!” Sandler’s blood splashes up on Farley andMacDonald.]

Norm MacDonald: Well, uh, Farley, did you ordid you not hear me tell him that, ah, there was abear still in that cage, eh?

Chris Farley: Well, you know what, I wasn’treally listening that much ’cause, uh, I was tryin’ toremember who’s been killed. [counts on his fingers]All right, I know Adam Sandler.

Norm MacDonald: Right.

Chris Farley: And, before him, TimMeadows.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah.

Chris Farley: But, ah, who – who was the firstguy that went in there?

Norm MacDonald: Are you serious? You forgotwhich of our buddies was killed first? It was – it wasJay Mohr, you arse!

Chris Farley: Yeah, yeah, but, um … what -what’s Jay’s middle name? I forget.

Norm MacDonald: You forget Jay’s middle name?It’s Gaylord!

Chris Farley: I know you are! Ha ha! Aya ayaaya aya aya aya! You’re Gaylord! Get it? Gay – lord,Gaylord, Gaylord, Gaylord! [high-pitched giggle, thenlapses into a deranged Southern accent] And on thathighly successful burn, I’m goin’ into the polar bearcage and get myself some wallets so I can get somebeer money! Adios!

[With an incomprehensible exclamation, Farley haulshimself over the railing and falls into the pit with asplash. MacDonald watches as the roaring polar beareats the screaming Farley. More blood flies up andsoaks MacDonald who is by now thoroughly drenched.]

Norm MacDonald: Well … You know what? I’mgonna jump in there because, ah, I’m sure the bear isfull by now. … And then I’m gonna stick my fingerdown its throat and let it throw up at least one of mybuddies. If the buddy who comes up is too digestedalready, I’ll throw him back in. [stroking his chinthoughtfully] It’s the perfect plan.

[MacDonald vaults the railing into the pit with asplash. The polar bear roars and eats the screamingMacDonald whose blood splashes up on the now emptyscene. Dissolve to host David Duchovny who stands infront of a curtain addressing the camera.]

David Duchovny: Hi, I’m David Duchovny. Thepreceding segment was not a sketch. It was filmedentirely at the Central Park Zoo with hidden cameras.The participants involved had no idea they were beingfilmed. I ran this as a warning to other potentialSaturday Night Live hosts. These are the typeof people you deal with all week long. Thankyou.

[Applause, dissolve to bumper with photo of squattinghost.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Good Morning, Brooklyn!

Good Morning, Brooklyn!

Angela Toochie…..Courtney Cox
James Barone…..Jay Mohr
Anthony…..Michael McKean
Angelo…..Adam Sandler
Molly Fahey…..Molly Shannon
Hot Dog Vendor…..Chris Farley

James Barone: Hi, hello, and welcome to “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” I’m your host, James Barone. How ARE ya, Brooklyn?! Huh?!

Angela Toochie: Good morning, Brooklyn! I’m Angela Toochie!

James Barone: Oh, yeah, I forgot – that’s my co-host, Angeler!

Angela Toochie: Yeah, don’t me any favors, alright? I can introduce myself!

James Barone: See, Angeler’s a little ticked off, because I didn’t mention nothin’ about her gettin’ engaged. Yawn!

Angela Toochie: Aw, don’t be an ass, James, alright! Let’s get started!

James Barone: Shut up! First off, this morning, our friend Ant’ny’s gonna come out and tell us what the weather report is!

Angela Toochie: Come on out, Ant’ny!

[ Anthony appears at the weather map ]

Anthony: Hey! How ya doin’, James? Hey! Congratulations, Angela, he’s a lucky bastard! Let’s have a look at that ring again, huh!

Angela Toochie: Yeah! Could we get a close-up of that!

James Barone: Oh, shut up!

Angela Toochie: No, you shut up!

James Barone: No, you shut up!

Angela Toochie: No, you shut up!

James Barone: No, you

[ cut to few seconds of “Please Stand By” graphic ]

James Barone: Okay.. okay, we’re back now. Now, we’re back. Alright, Ant’ny, now you were about to tell us what the weather report was like.

Anthony: What, outside? Oh.. it ain’t good, James, it’s hot as a bastard!

James Barone: A’ight. A’ight, Ant’ny, how ’bout tomorrow?

Anthony: Uh, tomorrow’s also gonna be hotter than a bastard!

Angela Toochie: All over the country?

Anthony: No, no.. See, Angela – see, every part of the country’s got what they call their own weather system. Like, up in Canada, it’s cold as a bastard! Out in Seattle, it rains like bastard! Down in Texas, it’s muggy as a bastard! I gotta go.

Angela Toochie: Ant’ny, where you going?

Anthony: I’m done!

Angela Toochie: Alright, fine! Then let’s bringout our old friend Angelo, with a new segment we got, called “Beatin’ of the Week”.

James Barone: A’ight, here’s how it goes, Brooklyn. Angelo tells us who needs a beatin’ this week, you give him that beatin’, you win a awesome prize, alright! Angelo! Come on out, bro!

[ Angelo storms into the set, still yelling at someone outside the studio ]

Angelo: No, no, no – you suck my ass! [ sits next to James ] Morning there, James. Congratulations, Angela, lemme see that ring thing. [ Angela holds out her hand ] Oh, my God! Anthony told me that thing was bigger than a bastard!

James Barone: Alright, enough with the ring, now, come on – Angelo, who’s gettin’ a beatin’ this week, and why?

Angelo: I don’t know his name, but he works at a concession stand outside the aquarium. I think we got a picture of him.

[ picture shows an obese hot dog vendor, posed like he’s staring into oncoming headlights ]

James Barone: Oh, God!

Angela Toochie: Look at that mutt!

James Barone: Oh, now that guy needs a beatin’!

Angela Toochie: Now, what did this fat bastard do to serve his beatin?!

Angelo: I pull up to the aquarium, I’m in my brand-new Z-28 IROC, and this tub of lard goes up to me, “You know what IROC stands for?” I says, “No.” He says, “Italian Retard Out Cruisin'”.

Angela Toochie: He said that?!

Angelo: He said it to me!!

James Barone: Oh, my God, that guy deserves a beatin’!

Angela Toochie: Alright, Brooklyn, you keep your eye out for that hump! He’s your beatin’ of the week!

James Barone: Alright, that’s right! First person to put this stugatz in the hospital wins free sausage and peppers, courtesy of.. Pollianella & Sons Little Red House of Sausage & Peppers. And we got a special thanks goin’ out to St. Rita’s Hospital on Livonia Ave. for donatin’ the room and the IV for this week’s Beatin’ of the Week!

Angela Toochie: Alright, thanks, Angelo!

James Barone: Alright, now it’s time to go down to the street for today’s Trivia Question, with our rovin’ reporter Molly Fahey.

Angela Toochie: Talk to us, Molly!

Molly Fahey: Hi, guys!

James Barone: Hey, Molly, let me ask you something – I’ve been thinkin’, right? Fehey – that ain’t an Italian name, is it?

Molly Fahey: Mmm.. no, but it’s Catholic.

James Barone: A’ight, good enough. A’ight, Molly, do your stuff!

Molly Fahey: A’ight. [ approaches Hot Dog Vendor ] Uh.. excuse me, sir..

Hot Dog Vendor: Hi, how are ya?

Molly Fahey: Good. I’m Molly Fahey, from “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” and today’s Trivia Question-

James Barone: [ excited ] Oh, my God! Molly!

Angela Toochie: That’s the fat bastard!!

James Barone: Molly!! Oh, my god!!

Angela Toochie: That’s him!!

James Barone: Molly! Can you hear me?! That guy’s the Beatin’ of the Week!

Molly Fahey: [ excited ] No kidding! What’s the prize?!

Angela Toochie: Sausage and peppers at Pollianella’s!

Hot Dog Vendor: Good morning, Brooklyn! [ laughs ] How are ya! Hey, ya got some kinda question to ask me, or what?

Molly Fahey: Uh.. yeah, I do! [ gives Hot Dog Vendor the Beatin’ of the Week ] Bring on the sausage and peppers, James – I think I killed the fat bastard!

James Barone: You did beootyful, Molly – beootyful!

Angela Toochie: Yeah, congratulations! And, don’t worry, we’ll have that trivia question for ya’s tomorrow!

Molly Fahey: Alright, thanks, youse guys!

Angela and James: No! Fuggetaboutit!

Angela Toochie: Alright, that’s all the time we got!

James Barone: Join us tomorrow on “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” Mr. Meatball is stopping by, he’s gonna show us how to make Turkey Meatballs! And, by the way, Angela – okay, you win. I must say congratulations on your happiness.

Angela Toochie: Ah, shut up!

James Barone: You shut up!

Angela Toochie: No, you shut up!

[ cue up title card, fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Rock & Roll Real Estate Agent

Rock & Roll Real Estate Agent

Agent…..Molly Shannon
Tom…..David Duchovny
Wife…..Morwenna Banks
Richard…..Jay Mohr

[ open on real estate office, Agent speaking on the phone ]

Agent: So, once again, congratulations! I now you’re going to be very happy in your new home. Well, that’s what we do here at Horizon Realty – we make dreams come true. Alrighty, bye bye!

Tom: Hi.

Agent: Hi.

Tom: We’re new in the neighborhood, and we’re looking for a three-bedroom.

Wife: You know, maybe something with a split-level.

Agent: Very good. Richard can help you. Richard?

[ we see Richard sitting at his desk, he looks like an old rocker ]

Agent: These folks are interested in a three-bedroom.

Richard: Well, alriiiiight!! [ jumps out of his chair, his real estate clothes mixed fashionably with tight, leather pants ] Nice ta MEETCHA!! How ya doin’ out there toniiiiiiight! Wow!

Tom: Fine.. thanks.

Richard: Well, alriiiiiight!! Let me go get my book! I’ve got some gorgeous three-bedrooms in the area! Woooooooooooooowww-ow!

Wife: Honey, do we know him?

Tom: He does seem very familiar.

Agent: Oh, Richard used to be the lead singer of Sidewinder before they broke up.

Wife: Sidewinder?

Agent: Yeah. Remember they had that hit “Lick It”?

Richard: Yeah, that’s riiight!
[ singing ]Lick it!
Kick it!
Rock it, knock it down, downm down!


[ back to business ]

I got a great split-level in, uh, Oakdale Heights. A bit of a fixer-upper, but it’s a steal.

Wife: Uh, no, you see.. we need to move right in, because Tom’s been transferred from St. Louis, and —

Richard: St. Louis rocks big-time! Am I riiiiiight?!

Tom: Yeah.

Richard: I can’t heeeeeeear yoooooooouuu!!

Tom: Yes, St. Louis rocks!

Richard: Alright, now I’ve got osmething you might like in Sherwood Hills. That’s a good school district, daddy – community pool, little league, and you’re only ten minutes from downtown. Woooooooowwww!!

Agent: Uh, Richard? Richard! The Ericksons are on line 3!

Richard: Uh, excuse me, I gotta take this. [ sits at his desk and picks up his phone ] Wooooooooowwwwww!! This is Richard. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, tell the bank you want a fixed rate at 7.35%. Alriiiiiight?!! Owwwwwwwww!!!

Tom: Uh, my wife has asthma, so we’re looking for something with central ir.

Richard: Oh, I hear you, St. Louis! You want it nice and cooooool, so you can cuddle up and get warm with your lady!

Tom: Well, yeah. And, she has asthma.

Richard: Alriiiiight! Central air ROCKS!! Is that what you want, St. Louis!

Tom: Yeah, that’d be nice.

Richard: Well, then that’s.. what you’re gonna get! Wooooowwww!! Alriiiiiight!! Good night! We love you! [ jumps on top of the file cabinet and back to the floor ] Come on! Wooooooowww!! Yeah!! [ exits to back room ] [ Agent claps, and encourages the couple to do the same as she holds up a cigarette lighter for an encore ]

Richard: Whoooooo!! Alright! I knew you wouldn’t let me down, St. Louis! You want to ROCK all night! And that’s good. Now.. [ puts on a pair of reading glasses ] I got just the house you might be looking for. Come on. How’s this sound. [ opens his book ] I got central air, three-bedroom, two-and-a-half bath, at $179,900, with an assumable mortage. Yooooooowwww!!!

Wife: Well, that sounds fabulous, doesn’t it, honey?

Tom: Yes, yes! When can we see it?

Richard: I can’t heeeeeear you!

Tom: When can we see it?

Richard: [ removes his glasses ] I can’t heeeeeear yoooooooouuuu!!

Wife: Uh, look, seriously, we’d like to see the house.

Richard: I’m serious, too. I’m deaf as a doornail. Fiftenn years in front of speakers, baby!

Wife: God, I’m so sorry. [ picks up her voice ] When can we see it!

Richard: Well, if you’re ready to ROCK! I’m ready to roll! Wooooooowww!! Let’s take my car, it’s the Volvo Wagon! [ dancing ] You’re gonna looooove this plaaaaaace!! Whoooooo!! Come on, come on, come on! Let’s go!

[ he leads the couple out of the door ]

Richard: [ to Agent ] I’ll be back in an hour.

[ zoom in, as they exit, to a plaque on the wall next to the door, which reads: “Broker of the Month – Richard Bruce” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts



Debbie Luciano…..Courtney Cox
Lucy…..Adam Sandler
Kristy…..David Spade
Cindy…..Chris Farley

Announcer: And now, it’s time for “Gapardy”. With your host, the former Gap Girl, and now manager of Urban Outfitters in Shreveport, Louisiana, Debbie Luciano!

Debbie Luciano: Hi, and welcome to “Gapardy” – the show that’s a lot like “Jeopardy”, except all our contestants work at.. The Gap. Now, before we start, let’s meet our players.

Lucy: My name’s Lucy Brawn, I work at the Gap store 214. I’m from Sunnyvale, California, my favorite band is Green Day! Yeah!!

Debbie Luciano: Okay, that sounds good. By the way – nice facial hair, you look like Tom Selleck.

Lucy: [ offended laughter ] Yeah, well.. you.. look like his friend who.. used to be in the helicopter..

Debbie Luciano: That’s a good comeback. Why don’t you have another Slim Jim? Alright, so who do we have here?

Kristy: My name is Kristy Anderson, and I’m from Tempe, Arizona, and I work at Gap store 214 with Lucy, and my favorite band is Pearl Jam! Rock on!

Debbie Luciano: Yeah! What do you guys sell over there at store 214, acid-washed jeans and stuff?

Kristy: Uh.. easy, cheesie. I think you’re confusing us with Merry-Go-Round. [ laughs ] By the way, Debbie, nice fake blue contacts.

Debbie Luciano: Oh, I hate to break it to ya, but they’re real!

Kristy: Fake.

Debbie Luciano: Real!

Kristy: Fake!

Debbie Luciano: Real!

Kristy: Hazel!

Debbie Luciano: Blue!

Kristy: Hazel!

Debbie Luciano: Try Sapphire, alright? Alright, our third contestant-

Kristy: Hazel!

Debbie Luciano: Sapphire!! Alright, keep it down, Slim-Jim. Alright, now it says here that your name is “Cindy Crawford”?

Cindy: Uh.. yeah.. well, not the Cindy Crawford.

Kristy: Oh, really? Are you sure?

Cindy: Shut up, Kristy!

Debbie Luciano: Alright, now, Cindy, you also work at the Gap?

Kristy: She used to, but she defected.

Cindy: Uhhh.. it is true – I omce worked at the.. Ca-rap! But, uh.. I now work at Jitters – it’s a coffee shop – and they call it Jitters, ’cause that’s what you do after you drink there! [ laughs at herself ]

Kristy: Really? Do you also have dinner at a place called Get Sweaty? ‘Cause that’s what you do after you eat! [ laughs back ]

Cindy: You are!

Kristy: [ confused ] What?

Lucy: [ weeping ] You guys, could you stop fighting, it’s scaring me..!

Debbie Luciano: Hey, can we shut up for a minute, alright?! This isn’t “Family Feud”! alright, let’s hear our categories – they are: “Whatever”, “Would You?”, “Famous Skanks”, “Cinch It”, “History of Scrunchies”, “I’m Just Telling You What I Heard”, and “Native Americans”. Alright, now, remember, you’re playing for an all-expense paid weekend in Monte Blanc for Spring Break. Alright, you’re ready, Lucy? you start.

Lucy: I’ll take “I’m Just Telling You What I Heard” for $100.

Debbie Luciano: “Is Rwanda a country, a talk show, or a nightclub in L.A.?”

Lucy: A nightclub. I know that, because my friend got hit by a can there and lost her shoe.

Debbie Luciano: I’m sorry, that’s incorrect – it’s a country.

Lucy: I’m just telling you what I heard!

Debbie Luciano: Alright, Kristy, your turn.

Kristy: Hmm.. I guess I’ll take “Whatever” for $100.

Debbie Luciano: Okay. “Your last boyfriend, Dan, said you were ‘A carpenter’s dream – flat as a board and easy to nail.'”

Kristy: What..ever!

Debbie Luciano: Ooh, I’m sorry, that’s very close. It’s “Whatever!

Kristy: [ mocking ] Whatever!

Debbie Luciano: Exactly. Okay, Miss Crawford, your turn. No scores yet.

Cindy: Hmm.. I’ll take..

Lucy: A big piece of cake – for free! [ laughs ]

Cindy: As I was saying.. I’ll take.. um.. “Native Americans” for $400. That’s right! That’s what I said!

Debbie Luciano: Okay. “In 1838, the Cherokee tribe set up its capitol in this Oklahoma village.”

Cindy: Oh, uh.. uh.. Germany. No, wait – Rwanda..

Debbie Luciano: Nope. Anyone else? Lucy?

Lucy: Please.

Debbie Luciano: Kristy?

Kristy: [ chuckles ] Not quite, Termite.

Debbie Luciano: Alright, the answer is Tahlequah. Yes – Tahlequah. Well, then, Lucy, it’s back to you – come on, you pick a category.

Lucy: It’s about time. “Famous Skanks” for $100.

Debbie Luciano: Okay. “Pamela Anderson is best known for-

[ buzzer ]

Debbie Luciano: Okay, we’re out of time, and the score is.. zero, zero, zero. Oh, that’s a first. Alright, how can we settle this, judges? Okay, we’ll do Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Kristy: Rock! Paper!

Lucy: Scissors!

Kristy: A-ha!

Lucy: Good, I win – scissors beats rock!

Kristy: No, it doesn’t, dummy!

Lucy: Oh, yeah..

Together: Rock! Paper! Scissors!

Cindy: [laughs ] Rock crushes paper!

Kristy: No, it doesn’t, dummy!

Cindy: It.. uh.. oh.. yeah..

Kristy: Yayyyy!!!

Debbie Luciano: Okay, Kristy, I guess you win! so let’s go to the Bonus Round, and pick one category!

Kristy: Okay! I will take.. “Would You?”

Debbie Luciano: Okay. Get ready, you’ve got forty seconds to answer as many questions as possible, and here we go! “Would You.. Matt Dillon?”

Kristy: Of course!

Debbie Luciano: “Would You.. Tom Arnold?”

Kristy: Ick, no way.

Debbie Luciano: “Snoop Doggy Dogg”.

Kristy: [ hesitant ] Yes.

Debbie Luciano: “Scott Baio”.

Kristy: [ quickly ] I did.

Lucy & Cindy: Oh, my God! Yuck!

Kristy: What! He was really nice.. I-I-I met him that summer, when he was signing posters, at the mall! Uh, he took me to dinner, he bought me a big bottle of Chateau Brion – it was, like, $100!

Cindy: More like 100 doll-hairs!

Kristy: What?

Cindy: Grow up!

Kristy: You are!

Cindy: Scuzzy!

Kristy: Me? No, uh.. slut!

Cindy: Idiot!

Kristy: Period-face!

Cindy: Gross!

Debbie Luciano: Hey, you got a nice mouth – that was quite a jump from Idiot to Period-face.

Kristy: Yeah, well.. sorry, I was mad.

Lucy: [ weeping ] You guys.. could you stop fighting.. My parents used to fight.. and then my stepfather tried to make out with me..!

[ horn sounds ]

Debbie Luciano: Alright, that’s about all the time we have for our show. Thank you very much, and join us next week for “Gapardy”!

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
… Laura Kightlinger
Adam West … Michael McKean
Robin … David Duchovny
… Adam Sandler

[Norm MacDonald sits at the WU desk, removing thepaper clip from his well-organized sheaf of papers.Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Hi, I’m Norm Macdonald, thankyou. Thanks. Thank you. [clears throat] I’m NormMacDonald and this is the news:

It is now believed that in the months before theOklahoma bombing, suspect Timothy McVeigh may havesold drugs. Boy, is he in trouble now! Huh?With that–? …

A deadly outbreak of the Ebola virus is said to beresponsible for more than one hundred deaths in Africa– and a couple of really bad movies here in theUnited States. …

[Photo of O. J. Simpson standing in courtroom with hisarms outstretched] Well, in a questionable move by thedefense team, this week, O. J. Simpson demonstratedhow to stab two people at the same time. … [cheersand applause]

A Labor Department study shows that the number oftemporary workers rose to two million in 1994. Andthat study doesn’t even include, the mosttemporary of the temporarily unemployed — KatoKaelin. … [shakes his head dismissively at the joke,chuckles]

Norm MacDonald: Now, we’d like to talk to LauraKightlinger and find out what she’ll be doing over thesummer break. [applause]

Laura Kightlinger: Well, thank you.

Norm MacDonald: Laura.

Laura Kightlinger: Hi. Thank you. Thanks,Norm.

Well, you know, June is coming up so everyone,everyone I know will be either getting marriedor giving birth which means I’ll be spending yetanother summer ripping up baby pictures and weddinginvitations. … And, you know, I sometimes wonder,you know, should I just force myself to go to theseweddings? Or should I turn on a pitching machine andlet the balls hit my face? … Hmm. I don’t know, itjust seems like most of my friends from high schoolhave long since tied the knot and I’m getting older,so maybe I should think about hanging my self….

And since most of my married friends have babies, I’vejust lost all hope for a normal conversation with themon the phone. [glumly, into an imaginary phone] Uh,hi, Karen. Karen? [as a hyper, excited mother] “Hi,Laura! Wait! Joshua wants to say hello to you! Say,hi, Josh! Say, hi! Say, hi! Say, hi! Josh, say, hi!”[as her glum self] Hi, Josh. Listen, uh, I’ve justtaken a handful of pills. … Can you get your motherback on the phone?” [as hyper, excited mother] “Didyou hear him?! He said, “Hi!”

I don’t know, I just– I guess I’m just not convincedthat getting married and having babies is the answer.And I know that there are happy marriages butit’s because of some freak alignment of souls. And Ihave a friend who experienced such an alignment. Shewas the girl in grade school who went blind fromsitting too close to the TV and she married the guy ingrade school who made a face and it stayed that way…. In fact, I just got a picture of their lovelytoddler who broke his neck from leaning back in achair. …

You know, all right, now – now maybe they are atruly happy family — but families are neverwhat they appear to be. You know, I was in the parkand I saw a father playing catch with his two youngsons — and then his wife came over, swore at him,slapped the kids, and threw their ball away. And thatjust hit me so hard — because my mom never didanything with us.

Norm MacDonald: Hey, Laura, I, er–

Laura Kightlinger: Yeah?

Norm MacDonald: I bet this has some kind ofhappy ending, huh?

Laura Kightlinger: No. No, Norm. Itdoesn’t.

Norm MacDonald: Oh.

Laura Kightlinger: But, you know? Despite mytone, I do believe in love. To me, therewould be nothing more gratifying than justlying next to someone that I’ve been with for years ina safe, sterile environment and allowing that personto do – [chuckles] whatever it is he does -into a laundered towel. … And, if I can have that,then maybe–

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, maybe what?

Laura Kightlinger: Well, maybe marriage is inmy future.

Norm MacDonald: [unenthusiastic] We-e-ell, Icertainly – envy the lucky guy that winds up with youthere, Laura. …

Laura Kightlinger: You do, Norm?

Norm MacDonald: Yeah.

Laura Kightlinger: Aww, thanks.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, that’s all right. Allright. [polite applause] Laura Kightlinger,everybody.

Well, Gary Busey left the hospital this week afteroverdosing on cocaine last Friday. Doctors say Buseyis okay and he should be back in the hospitalin no time. …

Well, crime is down nearly twenty per cent in New YorkCity with only three hundred and eighty-four murdersso far this year. Only three hundred andeighty-four? You know, if you ask me, that’s stillthree hundred and seven too many. … [mumbles] That’swhat I think.

The Walt Disney Company has announced plans to build athree hundred million dollar hotel and entertainmentcomplex in New York’s Times Square. Constructionbegins next spring on their first attraction —Crack Whores of the Caribbean! …[applause]

Norm MacDonald: Well, the summer movie seasonis just around the corner and one of the biggestreleases this year is the new Batman Forever.Here, now, with his review, is the original Batman,Mr. Adam West. Adam? [applause for the bespectacledold actor with the hopelessly square, deadpandelivery]

Adam West: Thank you, thank you. Thank you,Norm. Hail, good citizens of Gotham. With Bat-maniasweeping the nation, what better way to celebrate,than with my new book, “Back to the Batcave” — avirtual cornucopia of beloved bat-stories. [to Norm]For example, old friend, did you know … that theydon’t let me wear the mask any more. They’vethreatened to sue me if I appeared in public as the -Caped Crusader.

Norm MacDonald: [uninterested in bat-trivia]Ahh, that’s great, Adam. Hey – hey, how about that newBatman Forever movie, eh?

Adam West: Here’s an interesting – bat-fact,old chum: Cesar Romero played the Joker, but, youknow, he never shaved his mustache. Ha ha! [soberly]He’s dead now.

Norm MacDonald: [couldn’t care less] That’sgreat. Hey! What about Val Kilmer? You know, the newBatman?

Adam West: I wanted to play – Uncle Batman. He- he would be an older, distinguished gentleman –much like yourself, Commissioner Gordon. … And hewould help Batman fight crime! Ha! … Didn’t happen.

Norm MacDonald: Look, ah —

Adam West: Didn’t happen.

Norm MacDonald: Adam, are you gonna talk aboutthe new Batman movie here?

Adam West: Excuse me, Commissioner Gordon, I -I have to go. [abruptly exits]

Norm MacDonald: Adam West, ladies andgentlemen. Adam West. [polite applause] All right,well, in Russia this week, Boris Yeltsin, ah–

[Suddenly, Adam West returns, wearing Batman’s capeand cowl.]

Adam West as Batman: Evildoers, beware!

Norm MacDonald: [unnerved] Ohh, my God!

Adam West as Batman: It is I, Batman!

Norm MacDonald: Ohh, hey, ah – ah,Batman … Hey what – what happened to AdamWest, wasn’t he–?

Adam West as Batman: You mean – millionaireBruce Wayne? Why, he’s at a board meeting at WayneIndustries.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, right, hey, Adam, ah,seriously, you know, you’re not supposed to be wearingthat mask and cape in public. You know, somebody’sprobably watchin’–

Adam West as Batman: Let them sue me, Norm! Ifyou persist in calling me “Adam,” I – I’ll be forcedto use the bat-ray on you! [grabs at his pants, makingNorm nervous]

Norm MacDonald: [uncomfortable] Ohh, ah…

Adam West as Batman: [reassuring Norm] It’shere on my belt, don’t worry!

Norm MacDonald: [chuckles] No, no, no. Really.They’ll – they’ll sue you.

Adam West as Batman: [completely loses it] Isay let them, Norm! Then we’ll see who the true Batmanis! I’m Batman! Val Kilmer isn’t fit to wear mybat-tights. Do you hear me, Val? Do you hear me?!?!Aaagggggghhhhhh!

[Wearing mask and colorful costume, Batman’s youthfulsidekick, Robin the Boy Wonder, runs in and puts hishands on Adam West’s shoulders.]

Robin: Holy Not-Taking-Your-Medication, Batman!…

Adam West as Batman: Robin? Robin? Is that you,my ward? Help me!

Robin: Yes, Adam.

Adam West as Batman: I don’t know where I am.

Robin: I’ve come to take you home.

Adam West as Batman: Where – where is “home”?

Robin: The bat cave!

Adam West as Batman: [terrified] No! No! I’mafraid of bats! No!

Robin: [reassuring] I’ll take care of you.

Adam West as Batman: [calms down a little]Thank you, old chum!

[Batman and Robin exit.]

Norm MacDonald: Adam West again, ladies andgentlemen. [applause] And – the other guy, Burt Ward,was with him.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has released anupdated list of unsafe baby products. Topping the listthis year, is the really, really, really, really highchair. …

Well, last Friday in Washington D. C., the city’selementary school students pledged to stay drug freeas a gift to their moms on Mother’s Day. Meanwhile, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry … got his mom a great big boxof chocolates. …

Norm MacDonald: And now, here with a Mother’sDay message, Weekend Update’s own, and my hero, AdamSandler! [cheers and applause]

Adam Sandler: Thank you. Thank you! Thank you,thank you. Thank you, thank you. When we, uh, think ofMother’s Day, we always think of flowers and candy andtakin’ mom to dinner — you know, nice things. Buttonight I thought we should pay a little respect tosome moms who don’t have it so easy. Single moms. Thisyear there are over eight million single mothers outthere in this country alone. Eight million women whohave to act as both mother and father. One special daya year just isn’t enough for these brave, braveladies. Call me a feminist but, if you’re lookin’ forheroes, I’d say these women have Jordan and Gretzkybeat by a long shot. [spontaneous applause]

But, you know, what – what’s weird is, no one takesthe time to take care of them, make them feelspecial. Not just as mothers, but as women.Beautiful, beautiful women. So, I’d just like to sayto all you single moms out there, when you’re feelin’discouraged — like it’s all just too much for onegirl to take — little Adam’s here to make everythingall right. … That’s right, mama … I’m gonna make -I’m gonna make yo’ every fantasy come true. [sultrymusic begins; lights slowly dim; Sandler intones aspoken monologue over the music, as if on an early’70s soul hit:]

Dat man who walked out on you had to be crazy,baby,
What with your body lookin’ so right.
But you don’t have to be lonely tonight.
You know, mama, I hear you like to give your kids icecream.
Well, I like to eat ice cream, too.
But I hate eatin’ it out of a bowl.
Maybe you wanna tell little Adam where to that eat icecream off of.

Norm MacDonald: Whoa! Geez!

Adam Sandler: What?

Norm MacDonald: Adam, this is gettin’ a littleinappropriate here. …

Adam Sandler: Wait, Norm. I’m gettin’ to thegood part. …
[light changes to a smoky blue; a spotlit Sandlersings]Turn out the lights, single mama!
Mother’s Day is he-ere!
Put away those diapers, pretty darlin’!
Take off that girdle and brassiere! …
The kids are fast asleep, pretty mama!
Time for the adults to get naughty!
You look so hot in that terry cloth robe!
Let it fall to the ground – oh, Lordy!

[Trio of soul singers enter, dressed in black, andstand behind Sandler, singing.]

Adam Sandler: ‘Cause I’m your SingleMother’s Day present, baby!

Singers: Ooh, baby!

Adam Sandler: And I can go all nightlong!

Singers: Ahhh, go all nightlong!

Adam Sandler and Singers: Not once, nottwice —

Adam Sandler: But three times, baby!
And I’ll sing you my Turkey Song!

Singers: Ooooh waahhhh! Turkey lurkeydoo!

Adam Sandler: I’ll do it foryou!

Singers: Turkey lurkey dee!

Adam Sandler: Take a big bite out ofme!

Singers: Turkey lurkey dactic!

Adam Sandler: I’ll make sure to wear aprophylactic!

Singers: Turkey lurkey lie!

Adam Sandler: Sammy Davis, Junior, only had- one – eye!

Singers: Doo, doo, one eye!

[Song ends to huge cheers and applause]

Adam Sandler: [shouts] Happy Mother’s Day![waves to camera, shakes hands with singers]

Norm MacDonald: Adam Sandler, everybody! That’sit, folks. See ya next year!

[Music. Norm manfully shakes hands with Sandler whowaves again. Norm nods and waves acknowledgment to thesingers as he removes the microphone from his necktie.Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Matt Foley, Bilingual Motivational Speaker

Matt Foley, Bilingual Motivational Speaker

Raoul de la Garza y Baca…..Michael McKean
Spanish Boy…..Jay Mohr
Spanish Girl…..Morwenna Banks
Matt Foley…..Chris Farley

[ open on exterior, ranch house in Mexico ] [ SUPER: “Villa of wealthy landowner, Raoul de la Garza y Baca, Venezuela” ] [ dissolve to interior, living room ]

Raoul de la Garza y Baca: Children! I am at the end of my patience with you!

Spanish Girl: Oh, be quiet, old man, no one cares what you think any more.

Raoul de la Garza y Baca: Silence! I am your father, and I demand your respect! Since I am unable to get through to you, I have decided to take strong measures! I have sent for the United States, to enlist the services of what is known as a Motivational Speaker! Perhaps he can succeed where I have failed. He’s been in the basement all morning chewing on cocoa leaves! Please give your undivided attention to Senor Matt Foley!

[ Matt Foley runs out from the basement into living room, grabbing at his pants to keep them from falling ]

Matt Foley: Hola ninos! Me llamo Matt Foley! Y yo soy un motivational speaker! Yo tengo treceta y cinco años, yo [messes up: yoy] soy tres divorciano, y yo vivo en “VAN” CERCA DE UN RIO.

Raoul de la Garza y Baca: Senor Foley, if you will excuse me – both my children and myself speak excellent English.

Matt Foley: Padre, dame un favor, y callate su grande YAPPER![Turns to children] Muchachos, yo comprendo que ustedes beben Tequila, (Whoo! [making hand motions]) fumen marijuana, y bailan el flamenco! [Dances]. Pronto, ustedes flamenco en un “VAN” CERCA DE UN RIO!

Spanish Boy: Senor Foley, where’d you study Spanish, Taco Bell? [ laughs ]

Matt Foley: Muy comico! Dios freakin’ mio! Es un regular PaulRodriguez? [Turns to Raul] Mis ojos not too good, es Paul Rodriguez? Huh? Es Paul Rodriguez? Huh?

Raoul de la Garza y Baca: Senor Foley, with respect, I think you are simply confusing my children.

Matt Foley: [Softly] Dad, kindly shut your damn FLAN HOLE!!! [Turns to children] Now, kids, in my next part of my talk, I’m gonna be laying some heavy concepts on ya. So from here on out, I’m gonna dispense with the Español and continue with the English. ‘Cause my Spanish a’int so good since I gave up DRUGS! [Laughs]

Spanish Girl: Good idea.

Matt Foley: Alrighty, now, you get bull fights down here, am I right, young fellow?

Spanish Boy: Si.

Matt Foley: Then, get up here! Let’s do a little role-playing! [Boy stands up, Matt Foley takes off jacket] Now, I’m the bull, see? And I represent the troubles and temptations facing a yound fella like yourself! And you’re the matador, armed with only a positive mental attitude, and the goings-on gets going on. [Steps back] Here I come, a snortin’ and a fussin’! Here I come, here I come![Snorts like a bull, charges at Spanish Boy, crashing into plants and vases] Alright,youngster, you want to play hardball? Let’s go at it!! [charges at Spanish Boy, but crashes into more plants ] Here I come! [ crashes into the coffee table ] I wanna show you what Americana is all about!! [charges, but crashes through the wall]. Whoopsie daisy! Well, “vivo de Nueva York, ES SABADO NOCHE!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: David Duchovny: 05/13/95: Zagat’s

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 20: Episode 20

94t: David Duchovny / Rod Stewart


Hank Gelfand…..Adam Sandler
Beverly Gelfand…..Chris Farley
Pauline…..David Duchovny

[Open in on a graphic showing a restaurant dinette set with “ZAGAT’S” written at the top in bold white letters]

Announcer V/O: “Zagat’s, with your hosts, Hank and Beverly Gelfand.

[The graphic adds the hosts’ names before fading away. The camera now shows Hank and Beverly Gelfand sitting in their living room.]

Beverly: Hello, and welcome to Zagat’s. I’m Bev Gelfand, and this is my husband Hank.

Hank: (aggravated) What do you want?

Beverly: Hank and I are celebrating our 35th wedding anniversary tonight, and we’re very excited, Hank and I.

Hank: No!

Beverly: We’re going out to dinner for the occasion, but we can’t decide where to go. Do you know where you want to go, Hank?

Hank: Go away!

Beverly: Well, maybe we can all find a place in our Zagat’s New York Restaurant Guide! (Beverly grabs a Zagat’s guide from under the table) Let’s take a look together! ( She gives a smile to the audience, and then to a barely interested Hank)

Hank: Dear God, here we go.

[Beverly fingers through the book]

Beverly: Oh, here’s one, It’s called “Patty’s Place” on 12th Street, there’s an art decor interior, and an international cuisine. That sounds like a lot of fun! (She gives a giant smile)

Hank: My father said, “Get married.” He should rot in his grave!

[Beverly fingers through the book again]

Beverly: How about “Mario’s Restaurant”? (reads) “Mini-Pizzas and delish desserts make this Italian eatery a must! Ravioli? Holy Cannoli!” (She smiles once again, Hank shakes his head dissaprovingly)

Hank: Day and night she talks, each word more useless than the next.

Beverly: (still reading) “The City Steakhouse serves the best beef in town, their sensual setting will set the mood for any romantic rendez-vous” Oh, hear that Hank?

[Beverly rubs Hank’s leg while giving another giant smile, Adam Sandler starts cracking up]

Hank: Give me cancer now, God!

Beverly: (reading) “Find southern fare at Charlie’s, there’s fried chicken and first-rate sevice, so come on down y’all, y’hear?”

[Hank grabs the book and rips it up, then there’s a moment of silence.]

Beverly: Hank and I have decided to spend a nice quiet evening at home, isn’t that right, Hank?

Hank: The book is gone,but the mouth goes on!

Beverly: Since we’re staying at home, maybe we can watch some television. Let’s find a show to watch in our…TV Guide! (picks up a TV Guide)

Hank: Just when I thought I was out, she drags me back in!

Beverly: Oh, here’s one, “Murder She Wrote”, Jessica investigates a suspicious Hollywood murder and exposes the real killer. Oh, I just love her, she’s so smart! (She gives another big smile)

Hank: See if there’s a program about shutting the hell up!

[Beverly gives a quick glare at the camera]

Pauline (V/O): Surprise!

[Pauline walks in, she has a present in her hand]

Beverly: Heavens to Betsy!

Pauline: Hi Beverly!, Hi Hank!

Beverly: Heavens to Betsy, it’s my sister, Pauline! What in heavens are you doing here?

Pauline: Well, I knew that you and Hank would be celebrating your 35th wedding anniversary, knock wood (knocks hand on Hank’s head) So I thought that I’d stop by with a present! (Gives present to Beverlywhile Pauline sits down next to Hank)

Beverly: Oh,you shouldn’t have, isn’t that nice, Hank? Look how pretty it is!

Hank: Please let it be a gun!

[Beverly opens up the present revealing another Zagat’s Guide, much to Hank’s dismay.]

Beverly: Oh, perfect! Look, Hank, Pauline bought us Zagat’s Restaurant Guide. We used to have one but um…Hank misplaced it.

[Beverly gives a taunting look at Hank.]

Pauline: Wait til’ you see sis, they’ve got the greatest restaurants in there!

Hank: I’m in the middle of a moron sandwich!

[Pauline takes the guide and begins reading it.]

Pauline: Oh, here, look (reads) “The Oyster Club, for the best clam chowder in town, all aboard for fine fish cuisine!” Mmm!

Beverly: (imitating a boat) Hoot Hoot! Yummy! Oh, let me take a look.

[Beverly takes the book and flips through it.]

Beverly: (reading) Oh, look, “The Cajun Club for catfish and gumbo galore. Mardi Gras every night, you’ll dance with delight” (laughs) That rhymes! That rhymes, doesn’t it, Hank? (tickles Hank) C’mere!

Hank: I’ve got stupid in stereo! (Beverly stops tickling him,Hank takes out some pills from the side of his chair) Sleeping pills, my only friend.

[Pauline takes the book while Hank pours the whole bottle of pills down his throat]

Pauline: Oh, here, my turn. (reads) “Care for chinese food? Try Uncle Chang’s, they’ve got the best egg rolls in town and don’t forget the dumplings!

Beverly: Don’t worry, I never do!

[Hank falls onto the table, knocked out from his sedatives. Beverly moves into Hank’s chair and takes the book from Pauline]

Beverly: Oh, here’s a place, let’s see, (reads) Oh, “Sullivan’s, for Irish food and fun, the fish and chips are fabulous, don’t just fill up on the soda bread!”

[The camera shows the graphic from the beginning]

Announcer (V/O): This has been Zagat’s with your hosts, Hank and Beverly Gelfand.

Submitted by: Nathan Jorgensen

SNL Transcripts

Melanie Babysits

Melanie Babysits

Mrs. Henderson…..Molly Shannon
Dr. Henderson…..Chris Elliot
Melanie…..Mark McKinney

[ open on the Hendersons entering their living room after a night out together ]

Mrs. Henderson: Did you notice – at the restaurant – how much weight Martha had gained?

Dr. Henderson: Yeah.. yeah.. she.. gained a lot of weight..

Mrs. Henderson: I mean, I thought I was bad, you know?

Dr. Henderson: [ feigning content ] Well, uh.. more of you to love?

Mrs. Henderson: Ohhhh, you! So.. sweet.. [ attempts to initiate intimacy ]

Dr. Henderson: [ fends her off ] Alright.. okay.. that’s fine.. okay.. yes.. fine..

[ Melanie enters from kitchen ]

Melanie: Hi, Dr. Henderson! Hi, Mrs. Henderson!

[ cue sax solo, as Dr. Henderson’s viewpoint scopes out Melanie from bottom to top ]

Melanie: So, did you have a good time?

Dr. Henderson: [ excited ] Yes! Yes, we did have a good time, a very good time!

Mrs. Henderson: Melanie, I’m gonna call you a cab right away. How were the kids, did you have a problem?

Melanie: Uh, no. Emily is so adorable! And, I gotta tell you something, Jason did the cutest thing – he didn’t want to go to bed, so he started pretending he was a puppy, and I had to chase him up and down the stairs until he got tired!

Dr. Henderson: [ interested ] Oh! Up and down those stairs, right there?

Melanie: Yeah! On all fours!

Dr. Henderson: [ chuckles with delight ] On all fours!

Melanie: Just like a dog!

Dr. Henderson: Ah, just like a dog?

Melanie: Yeah!

Dr. Henderson: Honey, I’m gonna go ahead and drive Melanie home, okay?

Melanie: I-I-I can take a cab..

Dr. Henderson: Oh, no, don’t be silly – it’s cold outside! I’ll drive you home, it’s no problem!

Mrs. Henderson: Oh.. well, okay, Tom. But as long as you promise to hurry home, ’cause, remember, you still owe me that “special” birthday present, eh? [ expresses excitement ]

Dr. Henderson: Ah.. okay.. no, I can’t wait for that.. Uh, Melanie, are you all done?

Melanie: Yeah! I got my homework books right here. I was doing my math – yuck!

Dr. Henderson: Oh, math! That’s funny, Melanie, you know, I hated math, too.

Melanie: Really?

Dr. Henderson: Yes, I did.

Melanie: Were you bad at it?

Dr. Henderson: I couldn’t get a hand on it, isn’t that something? I just thought you were gonna like that one..

[ they exit through the front door ]

Mrs. Henderson: [ yelling after them ] Bye-bye, Melanie! I’ll call your mom and let her know you’re on your way home! Alright, hurry home, Tom! [ laughs ] [ dissolve to Dr. Henderson driving Melanie home, upbeat tempo music surrounding them ]

Dr. Henderson: So.. Melanie.. all in all, I wouldn’t say it’s a “happy” marriage..

Melanie: Oh, God.. poor Dr. Henderson..

Dr. Henderson: Well, uh.. that’s very sweet of you, Melanie. You see, uh.. my wife is.. older that I am.. she’s 45.

Melanie: Oh, my God, that’s so gross and old!

Dr. Henderson: You’re right, it is.. gross and, and old.. But, enough about me. Let me hear a little something about yourself.

Melanie: About me?

Dr. Henderson: Sure.

Melanie: Okay.. um.. um.. in school, um.. I like to run, I mean I’m on the running team, the track and field team – God, I keep forgetting that name!

Dr. Henderson: [ chuckles heartily ]

Melanie: Anyway.. so, I like to run, and they say I have a lot of energy.

Dr. Henderson: Well, uh.. you look like you’re in good shape.

Melanie: Yeah. Do you wanna see my legs?

Dr. Henderson: [ hesitant ] Well.. no, I don’t..

Melanie: No, it’s okay – I’ve got good legs!

Dr. Henderson: Well, alright, I will! [ feels Melanie’s legs, falling into trance-like state ] Oh, yes, yes! Those are runner’s legs.. those are nice.. nice, firm.. runner’s legs..

Melanie: Yeah! Well, anyway, I like track in school. I mean, I guess I like school, except they make us wear this stupid uniform!

Dr. Henderson: No, I wouldn’t call it stupid..

Melanie: Oh, yeah, it’s really stupid. I mean, it’s, like, every day we have to wear, like, the same tie, and the same blouse, and the same kilt, and the same tights. I mean, the only time we’re allowed to take it off is, like, when we’re in the shower!

[ Dr. Henderson loses control of the car, and stops on the side of the road ]

Melanie: Why are we stopping?

Dr. Henderson: You know what? I-I-I gotta rest the carburator in this car.. you know what I’m also gonna do? I’m gonna turn off the.. heat and the lights.. just to save the battery.

Melanie: But.. but won’t we get cold?

Dr. Henderson: Well, uh.. we would get cold, if we didn’t take advantange of our, um.. body heat.

Melanie: Oh! you mean, like in the Arctic?

Dr. Henderson: That’s right, Melanie.. just like in the Arctic.

Melanie: Yeah! We’re studying that next semester!

Dr. Henderson: Yeah, well, that’ll be a hell of a thing.. Look, uh.. if you’re, uh.. thirsty, would you like some refreshments? There’s something in the glove compartment there..

Melanie: [ opens glove compartment ] Oh, my God! Is that Zima!

Dr. Henderson: That is Zima.

Melanie: Wow! Once, I almost got to have some at my Aunt’s wedding, but my Uncle took it away!

Dr. Henderson: Ohh.. well, why don’t you have one now?

Melanie: No, I shouldn’t..

Dr. Henderson: No, go on – I dare ya!

Melanie: Ohh.. okay! I can’t resist a dare!

Dr. Henderson: Sure, you can’t. You know, the funny thing about Zima is.. it tastes like candy, but you’ve gotta drink it down really fast!

Melanie: Really fast?

Dr. Henderson: Yeah, you’ve kind of just.. boom!

Melanie: Okay! [ swigs bottle back and downs the Zima ]

Dr. Henderson: And.. she’s off and running! Okay! Alright! and.. it’s gonna be Melanie by an edge, she’s coming down the finish line! Annnnd there she is, she wins the gold – that’s Melanie!

Melanie: [ burps ] Wow! You’re right, it does taste like candy!

Dr. Henderson: Yeah.. it does, doesn’t it? [ grabs to undo Melanie’s blouse ]

Melanie: Uh.. Dr. Henderson? What are you doing?

Dr. Henderson: I’m examining you – I’m a doctor!

Melanie: Yeah, but.. aren’t you, like, a foot doctor?

Dr. Henderson: Yes, I am, but, uh.. I was, uh.. upgraded.

Melanie: Oh! Congratulations!

Dr. Henderson: Well, thank you.

Melanie: Um.. can I have another Zima?

Dr. Henderson: Oh, can you have another Zima? Okay, sure!

Melanie: Don’t ever dare me – I told ya!

Dr. Henderson: [ chuckles ] Melanie, I’ve got another dare for ya.

Melanie: [ curious ] Oh, really? What?

Dr. Henderson: [ whispers in Melanie’s ear ]

Melanie: Yeah?!

Dr. Henderson: [ laughs ] There’s more! Come here, come here.. [ whispers further ]

Melanie: Okay!

Dr. Henderson: Alright! Let me just ask you something – Melanie, you are 18, aren’t you?

Melanie: Uh.. [ thinking ] ..yeah.. yeah..

Dr. Henderson: Yeah. Okay, that’s what I thought. And, you know that seat reclines?

Melanie: Okay! [ drops seat into reclining position ]

Dr. Henderson: Okay, there we go! [ moves in to pounce upon Melanie ] [ cut to footage of Dr. Henderson being locked in jail, as he clutches desperately to the prison bars ]

Dr. Henderson: I’d do it again! I swear to the Lord above – given the chance, I would do it again!! Do you HEAR me, society??! I’d do it AGAIIINNN!! And again! And again! And again!

[ cut to faraway shot of prison exterior ]

Voice of Dr. Henderson: And again! And again!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts