Good Morning, Brooklyn!


Good Morning, Brooklyn!

Angela Toochie…..Courtney Cox
James Barone…..Jay Mohr
Anthony…..Michael McKean
Angelo…..Adam Sandler
Molly Fahey…..Molly Shannon
Hot Dog Vendor…..Chris Farley


James Barone: Hi, hello, and welcome to “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” I’m your host, James Barone. How ARE ya, Brooklyn?! Huh?!

Angela Toochie: Good morning, Brooklyn! I’m Angela Toochie!

James Barone: Oh, yeah, I forgot – that’s my co-host, Angeler!

Angela Toochie: Yeah, don’t me any favors, alright? I can introduce myself!

James Barone: See, Angeler’s a little ticked off, because I didn’t mention nothin’ about her gettin’ engaged. Yawn!

Angela Toochie: Aw, don’t be an ass, James, alright! Let’s get started!

James Barone: Shut up! First off, this morning, our friend Ant’ny’s gonna come out and tell us what the weather report is!

Angela Toochie: Come on out, Ant’ny!

[ Anthony appears at the weather map ]

Anthony: Hey! How ya doin’, James? Hey! Congratulations, Angela, he’s a lucky bastard! Let’s have a look at that ring again, huh!

Angela Toochie: Yeah! Could we get a close-up of that!

James Barone: Oh, shut up!

Angela Toochie: No, you shut up!

James Barone: No, you shut up!

Angela Toochie: No, you shut up!

James Barone: No, you

[ cut to few seconds of “Please Stand By” graphic ]

James Barone: Okay.. okay, we’re back now. Now, we’re back. Alright, Ant’ny, now you were about to tell us what the weather report was like.

Anthony: What, outside? Oh.. it ain’t good, James, it’s hot as a bastard!

James Barone: A’ight. A’ight, Ant’ny, how ’bout tomorrow?

Anthony: Uh, tomorrow’s also gonna be hotter than a bastard!

Angela Toochie: All over the country?

Anthony: No, no.. See, Angela – see, every part of the country’s got what they call their own weather system. Like, up in Canada, it’s cold as a bastard! Out in Seattle, it rains like bastard! Down in Texas, it’s muggy as a bastard! I gotta go.

Angela Toochie: Ant’ny, where you going?

Anthony: I’m done!

Angela Toochie: Alright, fine! Then let’s bringout our old friend Angelo, with a new segment we got, called “Beatin’ of the Week”.

James Barone: A’ight, here’s how it goes, Brooklyn. Angelo tells us who needs a beatin’ this week, you give him that beatin’, you win a awesome prize, alright! Angelo! Come on out, bro!

[ Angelo storms into the set, still yelling at someone outside the studio ]

Angelo: No, no, no – you suck my ass! [ sits next to James ] Morning there, James. Congratulations, Angela, lemme see that ring thing. [ Angela holds out her hand ] Oh, my God! Anthony told me that thing was bigger than a bastard!

James Barone: Alright, enough with the ring, now, come on – Angelo, who’s gettin’ a beatin’ this week, and why?

Angelo: I don’t know his name, but he works at a concession stand outside the aquarium. I think we got a picture of him.

[ picture shows an obese hot dog vendor, posed like he’s staring into oncoming headlights ]

James Barone: Oh, God!

Angela Toochie: Look at that mutt!

James Barone: Oh, now that guy needs a beatin’!

Angela Toochie: Now, what did this fat bastard do to serve his beatin?!

Angelo: I pull up to the aquarium, I’m in my brand-new Z-28 IROC, and this tub of lard goes up to me, “You know what IROC stands for?” I says, “No.” He says, “Italian Retard Out Cruisin'”.

Angela Toochie: He said that?!

Angelo: He said it to me!!

James Barone: Oh, my God, that guy deserves a beatin’!

Angela Toochie: Alright, Brooklyn, you keep your eye out for that hump! He’s your beatin’ of the week!

James Barone: Alright, that’s right! First person to put this stugatz in the hospital wins free sausage and peppers, courtesy of.. Pollianella & Sons Little Red House of Sausage & Peppers. And we got a special thanks goin’ out to St. Rita’s Hospital on Livonia Ave. for donatin’ the room and the IV for this week’s Beatin’ of the Week!

Angela Toochie: Alright, thanks, Angelo!

James Barone: Alright, now it’s time to go down to the street for today’s Trivia Question, with our rovin’ reporter Molly Fahey.

Angela Toochie: Talk to us, Molly!

Molly Fahey: Hi, guys!

James Barone: Hey, Molly, let me ask you something – I’ve been thinkin’, right? Fehey – that ain’t an Italian name, is it?

Molly Fahey: Mmm.. no, but it’s Catholic.

James Barone: A’ight, good enough. A’ight, Molly, do your stuff!

Molly Fahey: A’ight. [ approaches Hot Dog Vendor ] Uh.. excuse me, sir..

Hot Dog Vendor: Hi, how are ya?

Molly Fahey: Good. I’m Molly Fahey, from “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” and today’s Trivia Question-

James Barone: [ excited ] Oh, my God! Molly!

Angela Toochie: That’s the fat bastard!!

James Barone: Molly!! Oh, my god!!

Angela Toochie: That’s him!!

James Barone: Molly! Can you hear me?! That guy’s the Beatin’ of the Week!

Molly Fahey: [ excited ] No kidding! What’s the prize?!

Angela Toochie: Sausage and peppers at Pollianella’s!

Hot Dog Vendor: Good morning, Brooklyn! [ laughs ] How are ya! Hey, ya got some kinda question to ask me, or what?

Molly Fahey: Uh.. yeah, I do! [ gives Hot Dog Vendor the Beatin’ of the Week ] Bring on the sausage and peppers, James – I think I killed the fat bastard!

James Barone: You did beootyful, Molly – beootyful!

Angela Toochie: Yeah, congratulations! And, don’t worry, we’ll have that trivia question for ya’s tomorrow!

Molly Fahey: Alright, thanks, youse guys!

Angela and James: No! Fuggetaboutit!

Angela Toochie: Alright, that’s all the time we got!

James Barone: Join us tomorrow on “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” Mr. Meatball is stopping by, he’s gonna show us how to make Turkey Meatballs! And, by the way, Angela – okay, you win. I must say congratulations on your happiness.

Angela Toochie: Ah, shut up!

James Barone: You shut up!

Angela Toochie: No, you shut up!

[ cue up title card, fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Rock & Roll Real Estate Agent


Rock & Roll Real Estate Agent

Agent…..Molly Shannon
Tom…..David Duchovny
Wife…..Morwenna Banks
Richard…..Jay Mohr


[ open on real estate office, Agent speaking on the phone ]

Agent: So, once again, congratulations! I now you’re going to be very happy in your new home. Well, that’s what we do here at Horizon Realty – we make dreams come true. Alrighty, bye bye!

Tom: Hi.

Agent: Hi.

Tom: We’re new in the neighborhood, and we’re looking for a three-bedroom.

Wife: You know, maybe something with a split-level.

Agent: Very good. Richard can help you. Richard?

[ we see Richard sitting at his desk, he looks like an old rocker ]

Agent: These folks are interested in a three-bedroom.

Richard: Well, alriiiiight!! [ jumps out of his chair, his real estate clothes mixed fashionably with tight, leather pants ] Nice ta MEETCHA!! How ya doin’ out there toniiiiiiight! Wow!

Tom: Fine.. thanks.

Richard: Well, alriiiiiight!! Let me go get my book! I’ve got some gorgeous three-bedrooms in the area! Woooooooooooooowww-ow!

Wife: Honey, do we know him?

Tom: He does seem very familiar.

Agent: Oh, Richard used to be the lead singer of Sidewinder before they broke up.

Wife: Sidewinder?

Agent: Yeah. Remember they had that hit “Lick It”?

Richard: Yeah, that’s riiight!
[ singing ]Lick it!
Kick it!
Rock it, knock it down, downm down!

Owww!

[ back to business ]

I got a great split-level in, uh, Oakdale Heights. A bit of a fixer-upper, but it’s a steal.

Wife: Uh, no, you see.. we need to move right in, because Tom’s been transferred from St. Louis, and —

Richard: St. Louis rocks big-time! Am I riiiiiight?!

Tom: Yeah.

Richard: I can’t heeeeeeear yoooooooouuu!!

Tom: Yes, St. Louis rocks!

Richard: Alright, now I’ve got osmething you might like in Sherwood Hills. That’s a good school district, daddy – community pool, little league, and you’re only ten minutes from downtown. Woooooooowwww!!

Agent: Uh, Richard? Richard! The Ericksons are on line 3!

Richard: Uh, excuse me, I gotta take this. [ sits at his desk and picks up his phone ] Wooooooooowwwwww!! This is Richard. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, tell the bank you want a fixed rate at 7.35%. Alriiiiiight?!! Owwwwwwwww!!!

Tom: Uh, my wife has asthma, so we’re looking for something with central ir.

Richard: Oh, I hear you, St. Louis! You want it nice and cooooool, so you can cuddle up and get warm with your lady!

Tom: Well, yeah. And, she has asthma.

Richard: Alriiiiight! Central air ROCKS!! Is that what you want, St. Louis!

Tom: Yeah, that’d be nice.

Richard: Well, then that’s.. what you’re gonna get! Wooooowwww!! Alriiiiiight!! Good night! We love you! [ jumps on top of the file cabinet and back to the floor ] Come on! Wooooooowww!! Yeah!! [ exits to back room ] [ Agent claps, and encourages the couple to do the same as she holds up a cigarette lighter for an encore ]

Richard: Whoooooo!! Alright! I knew you wouldn’t let me down, St. Louis! You want to ROCK all night! And that’s good. Now.. [ puts on a pair of reading glasses ] I got just the house you might be looking for. Come on. How’s this sound. [ opens his book ] I got central air, three-bedroom, two-and-a-half bath, at $179,900, with an assumable mortage. Yooooooowwww!!!

Wife: Well, that sounds fabulous, doesn’t it, honey?

Tom: Yes, yes! When can we see it?

Richard: I can’t heeeeeear you!

Tom: When can we see it?

Richard: [ removes his glasses ] I can’t heeeeeear yoooooooouuuu!!

Wife: Uh, look, seriously, we’d like to see the house.

Richard: I’m serious, too. I’m deaf as a doornail. Fiftenn years in front of speakers, baby!

Wife: God, I’m so sorry. [ picks up her voice ] When can we see it!

Richard: Well, if you’re ready to ROCK! I’m ready to roll! Wooooooowww!! Let’s take my car, it’s the Volvo Wagon! [ dancing ] You’re gonna looooove this plaaaaaace!! Whoooooo!! Come on, come on, come on! Let’s go!

[ he leads the couple out of the door ]

Richard: [ to Agent ] I’ll be back in an hour.

[ zoom in, as they exit, to a plaque on the wall next to the door, which reads: “Broker of the Month – Richard Bruce” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts