SNL Transcripts: Bob Saget: 05/06/95: A Message From Tony Vallencourt

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 20: Episode 19

94s: Bob Saget / TLC

A Message From Tony Vallencourt

Tony Vallencourt…..Adam Sandler



Tony Vallencourt (V/O): And now a message from lifelong Boston resident andwicked huge Celtics fan, Tony Vallencourt.

[ INT. DMV OFFICE DESK – DAY ] [ TONY VALLENCOURT, a man in his late 20’s wearing a mullet and plaidshirt, sits at a desk holding a Budweiser. ]

Tony Vallencourt: Hey there! I’m Tony Vallencourt, speaking here from mysister’s desk at the DMV branch near Faneuil Hall in Boston. As you are nodoubt aware, the Celtics played their last game ever in the historicBoston Garden. Now the Garden is history and all I have left are a fewwicked awesome memories.

Like the time Tommy Gilbody and me were at the Lakers game in September1984. We were sitting in two of the famous Garden’s “obstructed view”seats, under the balcony and behind a wicked huge “po-st”. We could seeone basket and the lower half of the scoreboard, but not much else. Andthe 14 shots of pre-game Bacardi weren’t making things any clearer.

The temperature outside was 40 below zero and the Garden’s heating system,as usual, was “in the crapper”. To stay warm, my buddy and I beat theliving hell out of two older ladies who were cheering for the Lakers.”We’re wife and mothers of the other players”, they cried, as we laid intothem hardcore with a few pairs of numchucks. I swear to God, at one point,Robert Parrish – the Chief himself – looked up to me and screamed, “Heypsycho! You’re ruining the game! Get him out of the Garden!” The securityguards, always quick to heed the Chief’s instructions, tossed my arseright out onto Beacon Street.

As I laid on the concrete, I thought of one word — pisser. Then there wasthe time my buddy Kevin Sheehan got my playoff seats in Section 127, wherethe floor sinks down and all the rats live. They were there! They were thesize of dogs, pally! By halftime, I had been bitten by so many rodents, Iwas hallucinating. I was wicked-wicked-pisser!

For a while, I imagined I could actually see the court; which of course,was completely hidden behind a collapsed wall and a humungous fat guy! Wewere torn. Or how about the Celtics versus Sixers 1981? Our seats were infabled Section 268 — inside the boiler room. Down a step ladder andbehind yet another wicked huge post. What a game!

In the first quarter, Julius Irving had actually blocked one of LarryBird’s jump shots with his giant afro. So at halftime, my buddy Fitzy andI, snuck into the Sixers locker room and shaved Dr. J’s head bald. Pisser?I think so, pal.

On our way back to our seats, we spotted those same old ladies from theLakers game and shaved their heads too! Making the evening even morepisser! If such a thing is possible…

The Boston Garden. There’s so much I’ll miss. Like the time we stole MosesMalone’s size 35 sneaker and used it as a canoe on the Charles River. Orthe time we beat up that organ player for not knowing the song “FreezeFrame” by the great J. Geils Band.

So tonight people of Boston, drink an entire pony keg in honor of theGarden. And in the words of Larry Bird, “The McChicken sandwich is awicked pisser of a sandwich. And, Live, from New York, it’s SaturdayNight!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

David Duchovny: 05/13/95

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

May 13th, 1995

David Duchovny


Naomi Campbell

  • The Beastman of Studio 8-H

  • David Duchovny’s Monologue

  • You Think You’re Better Than Me?

  • Zagat’s

    Recurring Characters: Hank Gelfand, Beverly Gelfand.

  • Rod Stewart performs “Leave Virginia Alone”

  • Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

  • New England General Store

  • Ricki Lake

  • Rod Stewart performs “Maggie May”

  • Rock & Roll Real Estate Agent

  • The Polar Bear Sketch

  • Goodnights

    SNL Transcripts

  • The Beastman of Studio 8-H

    The Beastman of Studio 8-H

    …..David Duchovny
    …..Ellen Cleghorne
    …..Molly Shannon
    …..David Spade
    …..Kevin Nealon
    …..Adam Sandler
    …..Morwenna Banks
    …..Lorne Michaels
    …..Michael McKean
    …..Chris Elliot
    …..Chris Farley
    Beast Man…..Fred Wolf

    [ open on a spiraling overhead shot of the G.E. Building ] [ SUPER: “30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York City, 11:30 PM” ] [ dissolve to David Duchovny’s dressing room. Duchovny studies his lines, as Ellen Cleghorne enters ]

    Ellen Cleghorne: Heeeey! Good luck tonight, David!

    David Duchovny: Thanks, Ellen.

    Ellen Cleghorne: Hey, you know, it’s a really lucky thing that you’re hosting, you know it’s really great the you’re here. And, um, you know, I just love “The X-Files”.

    David Duchovny: Well, thanks.

    Ellen Cleghorne: It’s just that, you know, a lot of weird things have been going on here?

    David Duchovny: What do you mean, weird?

    Ellen Cleghorne: Um.. like.. ohhhh.. I don’t know. People vanishing, alien apparitions, Deion Sanders hosting. That kind of weird.

    David Duchovny: Uh, Ellen, I really should be getting ready for the show —

    [ a loud scream is heard offscreen ]

    David Duchovny: What was that?

    Ellen Cleghorne: Oh, come on!

    [ Ellen and Duchovny run out of his dressing room, and discover Molly Shannon in the hall ]

    David Duchovny: Molly! Molly, what happened?

    Molly Shannon: I don’t know..! I was just.. I was just grabbing a snack before the show, and, then all of a sudden, it was here..!

    David Duchovny: What? What was here?

    Molly Shannon: It was hairy.. oh God, it was horrible!

    David Duchovny: [ to Ellen ] Get her out of here, get her out of here.

    [ Ellen leads Molly down the hall ]

    David Spade: David. Check this out.

    David Duchovny: What have you got, Spade?

    [ they crouch on the floor over a huge footprint ]

    David Spade: Some sort of footprint.

    David Duchovny: That’s too big to be a human footprint. It must be some kind of animal. Get a plaster cast made of that.

    David Spade: Right, I’ll.. take it to my lab.

    [ Duchovny stands and passes Jay Mohr, Morwenna Banks and Adam Sandler leaning against the snack table ]

    David Duchovny: What about any of you? Any of you see anything?

    Adam Sandler: Uh-uh.

    Morwenna Banks: No.

    [ Kevin Nealon appears from another hallway ]

    Kevin Nealon: Psst! David! Over here!

    David Duchovny: What is it, Kevin?

    Kevin Nealon: David, I’ve been a cast member on this show for nine years, and I’ve seen a lot of strange things, and tonight’s my last show.

    David Duchovny: Kevin, does any of this have a point?

    Kevin Nealon: No. I just wanted to remind people tonight’s my last show.

    David Duchovny: Alright.

    Kevin Nealon: You know, maybe.. maybe people could throw me a party.

    David Duchovny: Kevin, I —

    Kevin Nealon: Just keep it simple. Maybe make it a surprise party, or something.

    David Duchovny: Hey, Kevin —

    Kevin Nealon: You ever hear of the Beast Man of Studio 8-H?

    David Duchovny: Beast Man? What Beast Man?

    Kevin Nealon: Well, some of the older guys on the crew tell this story about this horrible man-beast who lives in the studio, back behind all the sets.

    David Duchovny: You sure you’re not talking about the ghost of John Belushi?

    Kevin Nealon: No, he haunts the 17th floor.

    David Duchovny: What about the ghost of Joe Piscopo?

    Kevin Nealon: Joe Piscopo isn’t dead.

    David Duchovny: Oh, right, right, he’s alive..

    Kevin Nealon: Look, David, whatever happens – trust no one.

    David Duchovny: Well, Kevin, if I can’t trust anyone, how can I trust you?

    Kevin Nealon: Look, I gotta get ready for my surprise party. Be careful.

    [ Kevin exits down the hall ]

    David Duchovny: [ to himself ] I’m gonna go talk to Lorne.

    [ dissolve to the eerie presence of Lorne Michael’s office, dramatic music surrounds the atmosphere ] [ Duchovny enters ]

    David Duchovny: Lorne? Can I have a word with you?

    Lorne Michaels: Come in, David.

    David Duchovny: You set me up, didn’t you, Lorne? That’s why you wanted me to host the show. Nobody here’s even heard of “The X-Files”, but you want me to take car of your Beast Man problem. Well, I won’t do it! I won’t do your dirty work!

    [ Michael McKean creeps out from behind the shadows ]

    Michael McKean: Don’t be silly, Mr. Duchovny. You’ve wanted to host the show ever since you became an actor. Now oyu have your chance. So you’ll catch the Beast Man for us. And you’ll do our little sketches, and you’ll wear our silly costumes. Because it’s all a game, Mr. Duchovny. And, right now, you’re holding the losing hand. Isn’t that right, Lorne?

    Lorne Michaels: Yes, sir!

    [ Michael McKean chuckles as Duchovny exits Lorne’s office ]

    Michael McKean: Be seeing you again, Mr. Duchovny. [ extinguishes his cigarette on Lorne’s desk ] [ dissolve to Duchovny explaining his plan of action to Mark McKinney ]

    David Duchovny: Well, I put some fresh cookies out, so maybe the Beast Man will —

    [ a loud, girlish scream is heard offscreen ] [ Mark McKinney ducks for cover, as Duchovny runs toward the scream he assumes to be Molly Shannon ]

    David Duchovny: Molly! Molly, did you see it again?

    Molly Shannon: Oh. No, actually, that wasn’t me screaming. It was Chris.

    Chris Elliot: Yeah, it was.. me screaming. I’m sorry, my voice gets a little high when I get scared. Thank you very much, Molly!

    David Duchovny: That’s okay, Chris.

    Chris Elliot: Well.. I.. she..

    David Duchovny: What did you see?

    Chris Elliot: Well, it was the Beast Man. I was eating, and he just came by, he grabbed my food.. and he went off, and —

    [ something resembling the Beast Man casually walks down the far hall, causing Chris Elliot to scream like a little girl again ]

    Chris Elliot: Auuugghhhh!! There he is!!

    [ Duchovny runs down the hall ]

    David Duchovny: Beast Man! Beast Man, don’t be afraid! I won’t hurt you!

    [ Duchovny reaches the Beast Man, which turns out to be Chris Farley wearing a furry jacket ]

    David Duchovny: Chris!

    Chris Farley: Hey, David.. [ uncomfortable ]

    David Duchovny: You’re the Beast Man?

    Chris Farley: Um.. yeah.. sorry, I thought it was gonna be funny.. sorry.. [ slaps himself on the forehead ] Idiot! Stupid! Moron!

    David Duchovny: It’s alright, it’s alright. Just don’t do it again.

    Chris Farley: Okay, I’m sorry. Hey.. David. Um.. you know, the, um.. “X-Files” show? That is excellent!

    David Duchovny: [ pleased ] Oh, really, you watch it?

    Chris Farley: Um.. no. But.. [ can’t think of anything more to say ]

    David Duchovny: That’s alright, Chris. Come on.

    Chris Farley: Okay.

    [ they exit down as the hall, as the real Beast Man suddenly appears where they stood, creeps down to devour an armful of cookies while making Beast Man growls, then turns back the way he came ] [ dissolve back to Michael McKean sitting at Lorne Michaels’ desk watching a tiny TV screen. He picks up the tellephone. ]

    Michael McKean: Mr. Duchovny’s getting a little too close to the truth. He may have to be stopped. Proceed with Operation: “Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night.”

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: David Duchovny: 05/13/95: You Think You’re Better Than Me?

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 20: Episode 20

    94t: David Duchovny / Rod Stewart

    You Think You’re Better Than Me?

    Pete Toman…..Kevin Nealon
    Announcer…..Jay Mohr
    Danny Wilson…..Adam Sandler
    Eileen Gallagher…..Molly Shannon
    Ron Powell…..David Duchovny
    …..Naomi Campbell

    (Music Cue: “Tuning Up” by Ken Aldin)

    Announcer: And now it’s time for “You Think You’re Better Than Me?”, and here’s your host, former dock worker Pete Toman.

    Pete Toman: Hey! Welcome to “You Think You’re Better Than Me?”, the show for regular guys. Not uppity guys who think they’re better than us! Alright, our first contestant is Ron Powell. It says here, Ron, you enjoy making knives out of beer bottles and skidooing.

    Ron Powell: Yeah, so what?

    Pete Toman: Alright, our next contestant is currently between jobs and has a plate in her head. Welcome Eileen Gallagher. Alright, it says here , Eileen, you grew up without much money but went to school with a lot of rich people.

    Eileen Gallagher: Yeah, I hated all of them bastards. I hated ’em.

    Pete Toman: Alright, our third contestant is Danny Wilson. Danny, it says here you once punched a guy in the face just because he was seated in the first class section of an airplane.

    Danny Wilson: Yep.

    Pete Toman: It also says you can not read.

    Danny Wilson: Yep.

    Pete Toman: Alright, let’s start the game. Here’s our catregories: “Cut off by a Mercedes,” “People who have been on a boat,” “What’s wrong with Haggar Slacks?,” “Can’t get into the nightclub,” “College boys,” “That guy on that show,” “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” Ron, let’s start with you.

    Ron Powell: I’ll take “Cut off by a Mercedes” for 300, Pete.

    Pete Toman: Okay, You’re drivin down the highway, mindin’ your own business, and some guy with a pony tail drivin a…

    (Danny rings in)

    Danny Wilson: Pull up beside the guy, stick my ass out the window and scream “You think you’re better than me?”


    Pete Toman: Damn straight! Friggin’ fruitcake with a ponytail! That’s right, that’s right. Danny, you pick the category.

    Danny Wilson: Um, eh, ah, uh, the one on the right for 100.

    Pete Toman: Okay, “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” Here’s the question: You wake up on the beach, you’re waking on, your head hurts, you’re hungry, you see a restaurant, you walk in and right away some Chinese guy with an English accent points to a sign that says “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” What do you do?

    (Eileen rings in)

    Eileen Gallagher: Uh, put my shirt back on?


    Pete Toman: No.

    (Ron rings in)

    Pete Toman: Ron.

    Ron Powell: Stare the guy down until he realizes he’s a woman, go home, come back later that night, burn the place down.


    Pete Toman: You got it Ron! Alright, alright. Very nice, very nice. Pick another category.

    Ron Powell: I’ll take “That guy on that show” for 200 please.

    Pete Toman: Okey dokey, here’s the clue: You know that guy on that show who walks around all high and mighty acting like he knows so much? He needs a punch in the face…

    (Danny rings in)

    Pete Toman: Danny.

    Danny Wilson: Peter Jennings!

    Pete Toman: I hear ya, Danny! I hear ya! Alright, choose a category.

    Danny Wilson: Uhh, you pick it.

    Pete Toman: Alright, how about “Can’t get into that nightclub” for 400 dollars. Alright, let’s see: You’re standing outside a nightclub. The bouncer tells you he can’t let anymore people inside but 30 seconds later he lets five guys wearing makeup in. What do you do?

    (Eileen rings in)

    Pete Toman: Eileen.

    Eileen Gallagher: Take my shirt off?


    Pete Toman: No.

    Eileen Gallagher: Damn it!

    (Ron rings in)

    Pete Toman: Ron.

    Ron Powell: Stare the guy down until he asks you to come in, then say “No! Now I don’t wanna come in!”, come home, take a nap, come back at five in the morning, burn the place down.


    Pete Toman: That’s right Ron! You are right! Very nice, very nice. Jeez, we are out of time. Ron and Danny, you’re uh tied which means you’re going to our tiebreaker round. Eileen, you have 0 points, time for you to leave.

    Eileen Gallagher: Okay, you all think you’re better than me, dontcha? You think your CRAP don’t STINK? You’re garbage! You’re all garbage!

    (Eileen leaves)

    Pete Toman: Alright, settle down. The tiebreaker category is “box seats”, “box seats.” Here’s the question: You’re sitting in the upper deck and you spot an empty box seat and sit there. Five minutes later, an usher asks to see your ticket. Everyone is staring at you. What do you do?

    (think music, players write their answers)


    Pete Toman: All right, time’s up. Ron, let’s see what you got here. Okay, (reading from Ron’s placard) “Tell them you don’t have a ticket for that seat but you’re not going to move, Continue watching the game while they round up six or seven security guards to physically remove you, get dragged out screaming ‘You’re all gonna pay!’, come back later, realize you can’t burn the whole stadium down, follow a security guard home, burn his house down.”


    Pete Toman: That’s correct! All right! Nice playing Ronnie! Okay, how about you Danny?

    (Danny holds up his placard full of illegible scribbles)

    Pete Toman: Oh yeah, you don’t know how to write either.

    Danny Wilson: Yep.

    Pete Toman: All right. Ron, you’re our new champion! Let’s go to the bonus round!

    (Naomi Campbell walks in)

    Pete Toman: Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to supermodel Naomi Campbell. Nice to meet you Naomi. Okay Ron, you will win a brand new El Camino and a pair of Dingo Boots just like Joe Namath used to wear if you can talk to Naomi for 60 seconds without saying “You think you’re better than me?” Okay, you ready, Ron?

    Ron Powell: You bet

    Pete Toman: Okay start now.

    Ron Powell: So, Naomi, you want to do something after this show?

    Naomi Campbell: Maybe some other time.

    Ron Powell: What, have you got a boyfriend or something?

    Naomi Campbell: No, I don’t have time for boyfriends.

    Ron Powell: Who do you like better, Fuji or Tanaka?

    Naomi Campbell: I’m not into photos or wrestling.

    Ron Powell: What, you think you’re… You think you’re… tall?

    Naomi Campbell: Well, I guess so.

    Ron Powell: how much did that dress cost?

    Naomi Campbell: Actually, Versace gave it to me.

    Ron Powell: What, do you think you’re better than me?


    Pete Toman: Oh, sorry Ron! You messed up, you messed up, but you can try again next week on “You think you’re better than me?” Good night!

    (Music Cue: “Tuning Up”, title card, fade out)

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts



    …..David Duchovny
    …..Dave Wilson

    David Duchovny: Alright. I’d like to thank everyone. I’d like to thank Rod Stewart, Naomi Campbell. Happy Mother’s Day! I had a great time, we’ll see you next year!

    [ the cast wave their goodbyes and hug one another ] [ we cut to the control room, as Dave Wilson waves his own goodbye ]

    Dave Wilson: Tape roll! And.. take it.

    SNL Transcripts

    David Duchovny’s Monologue

    David Duchovny’s Monologue

    …..David Duchovny
    Interviewer V/O…..Kevin Nealon

    David Duchovny: Thank you. Thank you. It’s great — it’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. As you can probably guess, they’ve been trying to get me to host the show for years. Like when my hit movie, “Julia Has Two Lovers”, came out.

    [ woman in audience yells “Ow!” ]

    Thank — thank — thank you. They kept calling, and I figured, “Sure.” I’ll do the big “Julia Has Two Lovers” sketch that everyone’s waiting for, and then what? So I figured, let me get one more hit under my belt, then I’ll do the show. Sure enough – boom! – the next year, I’m starring in “Venice, Venice.”

    [ woman in audience yells “Whoo!” ]

    Thank you. Thank you. Perfect. So I’m ready to do the show, we’re trying to set a date. And then, wouldn’t you know it – guess who gets a call to star in “The Rapture”.

    [ woman in audience yells “Whoo!” ]

    Thank you. Hardly a movie you want to turn down. But one thing led to another, I do a movie, “Denial”, and of course, “New Year’s Day”. And here I am. [ a beat ] Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m also on “The X-Files”.

    [ audience cheers wildly ]

    But, that’s just to pay the rent until “New Year’s Day II” comes out.

    Anyway, I’m from New York, I grew up here, went to school here. And, as a gift, the folks here put together a little tape of some of the people from my old neighborhood. I’m pretty excited, because I haven’t seen it, so, could you roll the tape?

    [ dissolve to the filmed footage of people in Duchovny’s hometown ]

    Elderly woman: David Duchovny? Never heard of him.

    Eldermy Man: Duchovny? No. Doesn’t ring a bell.

    Man: Dave Duchovny? No.

    Interviewer V/O: You went to Collegiate High School with him.

    Man: Yeah, I went to that school, but the name doesn’t ring a bell.

    Interviewer V/O: Have you ever seen “The X-Files”?

    Man: Yeah, I love that show.

    Interviewer V/O: He’s on that show.

    Man: [ shrugs ] Uh.. guess I must have missed him. Sorry.

    Black Woman: You want to know about David Duchovny? Why? What’d he do? Shoot somebody? I knew he’d shoot somebody!

    Blonde: Did I know David Duchovny? Yeah, I know him, I used to go out with him. And, David, if you’re watching, there’s someone here I think you should meet.

    [ pulls a little boy forward ]

    Little Boy: Come home, Daddy!

    Old Woman: I just feel sorry for the person that he shot.

    Gay Man: Yeah, I know David, I used to go out with him. David, if you’re watching, there’s someone here who’d like to meetcha’.

    [ pulls a little boy forward ]

    Little Boy: Come home, Daddy!

    Alien Man: Of course, when we were in school, he never spoke to me, because he was one of the cool guys and I’m an alien. Then he gets this job on “The X-Files”, and suddenly it’s, like, “Hey, buddy, let’s hang out! Tell me what aliens are really like.” What a jerk!

    [ dissolve back to Duchovny in Studio 8-H ]

    David Duchovny: Oh, I miss those guys. They’re the best! Anyway, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Rod Stewart is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

    SNL Transcripts

    The Polar Bear Sketch

    The Polar Bear Sketch

    … Chris Farley
    … Tim Meadows
    … Jay Mohr
    … Adam Sandler
    … Norm MacDonald
    … David Duchovny

    [A sign reads: DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. We pull backto reveal a zoo setting. Chris Farley, Tim Meadows,Jay Mohr, Adam Sandler and Norm MacDonald enter andline up at a railing overlooking the polar bearpit.]

    Chris Farley: Aw, man! Isn’t the zoo thebest, man?

    Tim Meadows: I know, I can’t believe it was -how easy it was to get into the zoo. We just hoppedthe fence.

    [Cut to a brief shot of a polar bear down in the pitbefore returning to the five guys above.]

    Jay Mohr: Hey, look at this polar bear cage.Hey, you think I can swim the little moat both waysbefore the bear eats me?

    Adam Sandler: Five bucks says you can’t.

    Jay Mohr: All right. Read ’em and weep, myfriend!

    [Mohr jumps the railing into the polar bear pit. Hedisappears from view and we hear a loud splash as hehits the water below.]

    Norm MacDonald: “Read ’em and weep”? You say”Read ’em and weep” before you lay down your cards inpoker, not before you jump into a polar bear cage.

    Tim Meadows: Yeah, okay, Mr. Dictionary.

    Norm MacDonald: “Mr. Dictionary”? How doesknowing about poker make me “Mr. Dictionary”?

    Tim Meadows: Ah, no, I wasn’t talking to you.

    [Off screen, the polar bear roars and eats Mohr whoscreams horribly. After a moment, a large quantity ofMohr’s blood splashes up from the pit and soaksFarley, Meadows, MacDonald, and Sandler.]

    Chris Farley: [squinting] What happened?! Whathappened? Did the bear get him? I’m not wearing myglasses!

    Norm MacDonald: [casually] Yeah, the polar bearkilled Jay. [quickly, to Meadows] What do you mean youweren’t talking to me? You were looking right at me!Who were you calling “Mr. Dictionary”?

    Tim Meadows: Look, I’m gonna go in and haulJay’s body up, okay? I’ll let you guys argue amongstyourselves.

    Norm MacDonald: Noooo, us guys aren’t arguingamongst ourselves. I’m arguing with you.

    Tim Meadows: [starts climbing over the railing]Yeah, well what can I say? I mean, after all, you knoweverything, Mr. Dictionary!

    [Meadows hollers the last word of his line as he jumpsinto the pit and disappears with a splash.]

    Chris Farley: [laughs, to MacDonald] “Mr.Dictionary”! Oh, my God! He totally burned you,man! [roars with laughter] Oh, you better hopethat nickname doesn’t stick, Mr. Dictionary![laughs] Aww, man, you’re a book filled with wordmeanings! Oy, oy, oy!

    [The polar bear roars and eats a screaming Meadowswhose blood splashes up on Farley, MacDonald, andSandler.]

    Chris Farley: What happened? I’m not wearing myglasses. Did the bear get him again?

    Adam Sandler: Hey, would you put your damnglasses on? We shouldn’t have to tell you every timethe bear eats one of us.

    [Farley shakes his bloodied head, pulls out histhick-framed Matt Foley eyeglasses and puts them on.]

    Chris Farley: Oh, my God! That bear ripped offtheir heads like so much volleyball!

    Norm MacDonald: “Like so much volleyball”? Whoare you, the Mighty Thor? … Nobody talks like that.

    Chris Farley: [at a loss for words] Yeah – uh -I think – you’re a sack of crap like so much– Mr.Dictionary!

    [Farley laughs and Sandler joins in.]

    Adam Sandler: [to Farley] Ha ha ha, yeah! Allright, good one, man. High five me on that one!

    Chris Farley: Yeah, baby!

    [Instead of giving Farley a high five, Sandler smackshim in the face and knocks his glasses off.]

    Chris Farley: [in pain] Ohhhh!

    Adam Sandler: [laughs, recovers, to Farley] Allright, I gotta say I’m sick of you. And I’m sick ofthat polar bear. I’m going in.

    Norm MacDonald: Hey, hey, Adam, if you’re goinginto that cage, you know, be careful, ’cause, uh, thatbear is still in there.

    Adam Sandler: Oh, my lord. I swear to God,Norm, that was the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.Where would the bear be? Do you think I think that itgot wings and flew up to Canada — where everybodytalks like you and says “arse” instead of “ass”?You’re very stupid, Norm. But you know that.

    [Sandler climbs the railing and jumps into the pit.]

    Adam Sandler: Wheeeee!

    [Sandler disappears with a splash. Only Farley andMacDonald are left at the railing.]

    Norm MacDonald: Man, did you hear that? Hecalls me stupid. He just jumped into the polar bearcage, eh? Who do you think is stupider, the guy whojumps into a polar cage or the fella people like tocall “Mr. Dictionary”?

    [The polar bear roars and eats Sandler who yells “Oh,my God!” Sandler’s blood splashes up on Farley andMacDonald.]

    Norm MacDonald: Well, uh, Farley, did you ordid you not hear me tell him that, ah, there was abear still in that cage, eh?

    Chris Farley: Well, you know what, I wasn’treally listening that much ’cause, uh, I was tryin’ toremember who’s been killed. [counts on his fingers]All right, I know Adam Sandler.

    Norm MacDonald: Right.

    Chris Farley: And, before him, TimMeadows.

    Norm MacDonald: Yeah.

    Chris Farley: But, ah, who – who was the firstguy that went in there?

    Norm MacDonald: Are you serious? You forgotwhich of our buddies was killed first? It was – it wasJay Mohr, you arse!

    Chris Farley: Yeah, yeah, but, um … what -what’s Jay’s middle name? I forget.

    Norm MacDonald: You forget Jay’s middle name?It’s Gaylord!

    Chris Farley: I know you are! Ha ha! Aya ayaaya aya aya aya! You’re Gaylord! Get it? Gay – lord,Gaylord, Gaylord, Gaylord! [high-pitched giggle, thenlapses into a deranged Southern accent] And on thathighly successful burn, I’m goin’ into the polar bearcage and get myself some wallets so I can get somebeer money! Adios!

    [With an incomprehensible exclamation, Farley haulshimself over the railing and falls into the pit with asplash. MacDonald watches as the roaring polar beareats the screaming Farley. More blood flies up andsoaks MacDonald who is by now thoroughly drenched.]

    Norm MacDonald: Well … You know what? I’mgonna jump in there because, ah, I’m sure the bear isfull by now. … And then I’m gonna stick my fingerdown its throat and let it throw up at least one of mybuddies. If the buddy who comes up is too digestedalready, I’ll throw him back in. [stroking his chinthoughtfully] It’s the perfect plan.

    [MacDonald vaults the railing into the pit with asplash. The polar bear roars and eats the screamingMacDonald whose blood splashes up on the now emptyscene. Dissolve to host David Duchovny who stands infront of a curtain addressing the camera.]

    David Duchovny: Hi, I’m David Duchovny. Thepreceding segment was not a sketch. It was filmedentirely at the Central Park Zoo with hidden cameras.The participants involved had no idea they were beingfilmed. I ran this as a warning to other potentialSaturday Night Live hosts. These are the typeof people you deal with all week long. Thankyou.

    [Applause, dissolve to bumper with photo of squattinghost.]

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts

    Good Morning, Brooklyn!

    Good Morning, Brooklyn!

    Angela Toochie…..Courtney Cox
    James Barone…..Jay Mohr
    Anthony…..Michael McKean
    Angelo…..Adam Sandler
    Molly Fahey…..Molly Shannon
    Hot Dog Vendor…..Chris Farley

    James Barone: Hi, hello, and welcome to “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” I’m your host, James Barone. How ARE ya, Brooklyn?! Huh?!

    Angela Toochie: Good morning, Brooklyn! I’m Angela Toochie!

    James Barone: Oh, yeah, I forgot – that’s my co-host, Angeler!

    Angela Toochie: Yeah, don’t me any favors, alright? I can introduce myself!

    James Barone: See, Angeler’s a little ticked off, because I didn’t mention nothin’ about her gettin’ engaged. Yawn!

    Angela Toochie: Aw, don’t be an ass, James, alright! Let’s get started!

    James Barone: Shut up! First off, this morning, our friend Ant’ny’s gonna come out and tell us what the weather report is!

    Angela Toochie: Come on out, Ant’ny!

    [ Anthony appears at the weather map ]

    Anthony: Hey! How ya doin’, James? Hey! Congratulations, Angela, he’s a lucky bastard! Let’s have a look at that ring again, huh!

    Angela Toochie: Yeah! Could we get a close-up of that!

    James Barone: Oh, shut up!

    Angela Toochie: No, you shut up!

    James Barone: No, you shut up!

    Angela Toochie: No, you shut up!

    James Barone: No, you

    [ cut to few seconds of “Please Stand By” graphic ]

    James Barone: Okay.. okay, we’re back now. Now, we’re back. Alright, Ant’ny, now you were about to tell us what the weather report was like.

    Anthony: What, outside? Oh.. it ain’t good, James, it’s hot as a bastard!

    James Barone: A’ight. A’ight, Ant’ny, how ’bout tomorrow?

    Anthony: Uh, tomorrow’s also gonna be hotter than a bastard!

    Angela Toochie: All over the country?

    Anthony: No, no.. See, Angela – see, every part of the country’s got what they call their own weather system. Like, up in Canada, it’s cold as a bastard! Out in Seattle, it rains like bastard! Down in Texas, it’s muggy as a bastard! I gotta go.

    Angela Toochie: Ant’ny, where you going?

    Anthony: I’m done!

    Angela Toochie: Alright, fine! Then let’s bringout our old friend Angelo, with a new segment we got, called “Beatin’ of the Week”.

    James Barone: A’ight, here’s how it goes, Brooklyn. Angelo tells us who needs a beatin’ this week, you give him that beatin’, you win a awesome prize, alright! Angelo! Come on out, bro!

    [ Angelo storms into the set, still yelling at someone outside the studio ]

    Angelo: No, no, no – you suck my ass! [ sits next to James ] Morning there, James. Congratulations, Angela, lemme see that ring thing. [ Angela holds out her hand ] Oh, my God! Anthony told me that thing was bigger than a bastard!

    James Barone: Alright, enough with the ring, now, come on – Angelo, who’s gettin’ a beatin’ this week, and why?

    Angelo: I don’t know his name, but he works at a concession stand outside the aquarium. I think we got a picture of him.

    [ picture shows an obese hot dog vendor, posed like he’s staring into oncoming headlights ]

    James Barone: Oh, God!

    Angela Toochie: Look at that mutt!

    James Barone: Oh, now that guy needs a beatin’!

    Angela Toochie: Now, what did this fat bastard do to serve his beatin?!

    Angelo: I pull up to the aquarium, I’m in my brand-new Z-28 IROC, and this tub of lard goes up to me, “You know what IROC stands for?” I says, “No.” He says, “Italian Retard Out Cruisin'”.

    Angela Toochie: He said that?!

    Angelo: He said it to me!!

    James Barone: Oh, my God, that guy deserves a beatin’!

    Angela Toochie: Alright, Brooklyn, you keep your eye out for that hump! He’s your beatin’ of the week!

    James Barone: Alright, that’s right! First person to put this stugatz in the hospital wins free sausage and peppers, courtesy of.. Pollianella & Sons Little Red House of Sausage & Peppers. And we got a special thanks goin’ out to St. Rita’s Hospital on Livonia Ave. for donatin’ the room and the IV for this week’s Beatin’ of the Week!

    Angela Toochie: Alright, thanks, Angelo!

    James Barone: Alright, now it’s time to go down to the street for today’s Trivia Question, with our rovin’ reporter Molly Fahey.

    Angela Toochie: Talk to us, Molly!

    Molly Fahey: Hi, guys!

    James Barone: Hey, Molly, let me ask you something – I’ve been thinkin’, right? Fehey – that ain’t an Italian name, is it?

    Molly Fahey: Mmm.. no, but it’s Catholic.

    James Barone: A’ight, good enough. A’ight, Molly, do your stuff!

    Molly Fahey: A’ight. [ approaches Hot Dog Vendor ] Uh.. excuse me, sir..

    Hot Dog Vendor: Hi, how are ya?

    Molly Fahey: Good. I’m Molly Fahey, from “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” and today’s Trivia Question-

    James Barone: [ excited ] Oh, my God! Molly!

    Angela Toochie: That’s the fat bastard!!

    James Barone: Molly!! Oh, my god!!

    Angela Toochie: That’s him!!

    James Barone: Molly! Can you hear me?! That guy’s the Beatin’ of the Week!

    Molly Fahey: [ excited ] No kidding! What’s the prize?!

    Angela Toochie: Sausage and peppers at Pollianella’s!

    Hot Dog Vendor: Good morning, Brooklyn! [ laughs ] How are ya! Hey, ya got some kinda question to ask me, or what?

    Molly Fahey: Uh.. yeah, I do! [ gives Hot Dog Vendor the Beatin’ of the Week ] Bring on the sausage and peppers, James – I think I killed the fat bastard!

    James Barone: You did beootyful, Molly – beootyful!

    Angela Toochie: Yeah, congratulations! And, don’t worry, we’ll have that trivia question for ya’s tomorrow!

    Molly Fahey: Alright, thanks, youse guys!

    Angela and James: No! Fuggetaboutit!

    Angela Toochie: Alright, that’s all the time we got!

    James Barone: Join us tomorrow on “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” Mr. Meatball is stopping by, he’s gonna show us how to make Turkey Meatballs! And, by the way, Angela – okay, you win. I must say congratulations on your happiness.

    Angela Toochie: Ah, shut up!

    James Barone: You shut up!

    Angela Toochie: No, you shut up!

    [ cue up title card, fade to black ]

    SNL Transcripts