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Gapardy


Gapardy

Debbie Luciano…..Courtney Cox
Lucy…..Adam Sandler
Kristy…..David Spade
Cindy…..Chris Farley


Announcer: And now, it’s time for “Gapardy”. With your host, the former Gap Girl, and now manager of Urban Outfitters in Shreveport, Louisiana, Debbie Luciano!

Debbie Luciano: Hi, and welcome to “Gapardy” – the show that’s a lot like “Jeopardy”, except all our contestants work at.. The Gap. Now, before we start, let’s meet our players.

Lucy: My name’s Lucy Brawn, I work at the Gap store 214. I’m from Sunnyvale, California, my favorite band is Green Day! Yeah!!

Debbie Luciano: Okay, that sounds good. By the way – nice facial hair, you look like Tom Selleck.

Lucy: [ offended laughter ] Yeah, well.. you.. look like his friend who.. used to be in the helicopter..

Debbie Luciano: That’s a good comeback. Why don’t you have another Slim Jim? Alright, so who do we have here?

Kristy: My name is Kristy Anderson, and I’m from Tempe, Arizona, and I work at Gap store 214 with Lucy, and my favorite band is Pearl Jam! Rock on!

Debbie Luciano: Yeah! What do you guys sell over there at store 214, acid-washed jeans and stuff?

Kristy: Uh.. easy, cheesie. I think you’re confusing us with Merry-Go-Round. [ laughs ] By the way, Debbie, nice fake blue contacts.

Debbie Luciano: Oh, I hate to break it to ya, but they’re real!

Kristy: Fake.

Debbie Luciano: Real!

Kristy: Fake!

Debbie Luciano: Real!

Kristy: Hazel!

Debbie Luciano: Blue!

Kristy: Hazel!

Debbie Luciano: Try Sapphire, alright? Alright, our third contestant-

Kristy: Hazel!

Debbie Luciano: Sapphire!! Alright, keep it down, Slim-Jim. Alright, now it says here that your name is “Cindy Crawford”?

Cindy: Uh.. yeah.. well, not the Cindy Crawford.

Kristy: Oh, really? Are you sure?

Cindy: Shut up, Kristy!

Debbie Luciano: Alright, now, Cindy, you also work at the Gap?

Kristy: She used to, but she defected.

Cindy: Uhhh.. it is true – I omce worked at the.. Ca-rap! But, uh.. I now work at Jitters – it’s a coffee shop – and they call it Jitters, ’cause that’s what you do after you drink there! [ laughs at herself ]

Kristy: Really? Do you also have dinner at a place called Get Sweaty? ‘Cause that’s what you do after you eat! [ laughs back ]

Cindy: You are!

Kristy: [ confused ] What?

Lucy: [ weeping ] You guys, could you stop fighting, it’s scaring me..!

Debbie Luciano: Hey, can we shut up for a minute, alright?! This isn’t “Family Feud”! alright, let’s hear our categories – they are: “Whatever”, “Would You?”, “Famous Skanks”, “Cinch It”, “History of Scrunchies”, “I’m Just Telling You What I Heard”, and “Native Americans”. Alright, now, remember, you’re playing for an all-expense paid weekend in Monte Blanc for Spring Break. Alright, you’re ready, Lucy? you start.

Lucy: I’ll take “I’m Just Telling You What I Heard” for $100.

Debbie Luciano: “Is Rwanda a country, a talk show, or a nightclub in L.A.?”

Lucy: A nightclub. I know that, because my friend got hit by a can there and lost her shoe.

Debbie Luciano: I’m sorry, that’s incorrect – it’s a country.

Lucy: I’m just telling you what I heard!

Debbie Luciano: Alright, Kristy, your turn.

Kristy: Hmm.. I guess I’ll take “Whatever” for $100.

Debbie Luciano: Okay. “Your last boyfriend, Dan, said you were ‘A carpenter’s dream – flat as a board and easy to nail.'”

Kristy: What..ever!

Debbie Luciano: Ooh, I’m sorry, that’s very close. It’s “Whatever!

Kristy: [ mocking ] Whatever!

Debbie Luciano: Exactly. Okay, Miss Crawford, your turn. No scores yet.

Cindy: Hmm.. I’ll take..

Lucy: A big piece of cake – for free! [ laughs ]

Cindy: As I was saying.. I’ll take.. um.. “Native Americans” for $400. That’s right! That’s what I said!

Debbie Luciano: Okay. “In 1838, the Cherokee tribe set up its capitol in this Oklahoma village.”

Cindy: Oh, uh.. uh.. Germany. No, wait – Rwanda..

Debbie Luciano: Nope. Anyone else? Lucy?

Lucy: Please.

Debbie Luciano: Kristy?

Kristy: [ chuckles ] Not quite, Termite.

Debbie Luciano: Alright, the answer is Tahlequah. Yes – Tahlequah. Well, then, Lucy, it’s back to you – come on, you pick a category.

Lucy: It’s about time. “Famous Skanks” for $100.

Debbie Luciano: Okay. “Pamela Anderson is best known for-

[ buzzer ]

Debbie Luciano: Okay, we’re out of time, and the score is.. zero, zero, zero. Oh, that’s a first. Alright, how can we settle this, judges? Okay, we’ll do Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Kristy: Rock! Paper!

Lucy: Scissors!

Kristy: A-ha!

Lucy: Good, I win – scissors beats rock!

Kristy: No, it doesn’t, dummy!

Lucy: Oh, yeah..

Together: Rock! Paper! Scissors!

Cindy: [laughs ] Rock crushes paper!

Kristy: No, it doesn’t, dummy!

Cindy: It.. uh.. oh.. yeah..

Kristy: Yayyyy!!!

Debbie Luciano: Okay, Kristy, I guess you win! so let’s go to the Bonus Round, and pick one category!

Kristy: Okay! I will take.. “Would You?”

Debbie Luciano: Okay. Get ready, you’ve got forty seconds to answer as many questions as possible, and here we go! “Would You.. Matt Dillon?”

Kristy: Of course!

Debbie Luciano: “Would You.. Tom Arnold?”

Kristy: Ick, no way.

Debbie Luciano: “Snoop Doggy Dogg”.

Kristy: [ hesitant ] Yes.

Debbie Luciano: “Scott Baio”.

Kristy: [ quickly ] I did.

Lucy & Cindy: Oh, my God! Yuck!

Kristy: What! He was really nice.. I-I-I met him that summer, when he was signing posters, at the mall! Uh, he took me to dinner, he bought me a big bottle of Chateau Brion – it was, like, $100!

Cindy: More like 100 doll-hairs!

Kristy: What?

Cindy: Grow up!

Kristy: You are!

Cindy: Scuzzy!

Kristy: Me? No, uh.. slut!

Cindy: Idiot!

Kristy: Period-face!

Cindy: Gross!

Debbie Luciano: Hey, you got a nice mouth – that was quite a jump from Idiot to Period-face.

Kristy: Yeah, well.. sorry, I was mad.

Lucy: [ weeping ] You guys.. could you stop fighting.. My parents used to fight.. and then my stepfather tried to make out with me..!

[ horn sounds ]

Debbie Luciano: Alright, that’s about all the time we have for our show. Thank you very much, and join us next week for “Gapardy”!

SNL Transcripts